That '70s Show S8E15 Script

Keep Yourself Alive (2006)

Well, that was some county fair.

And they really went all out with the musical entertainment.

I mean, The Beach Girls were fabulous.

I've never seen The Beach Boys but I cannot imagine they are any better.

The only thing worse than listening to those Beach Whales was watching Steven throw up after spending all day in the beer garden.

I had a good reason to throw up. I was drunk.

Oh, I wish I could say I've been drunk the whole time I went out with you.

Oh, yeah, it's a good thing you're not a drinker.

You'd have a hard time operating that heavy machinery. Your mouth!

Well, I had a great time.

I have an invisible dog on a leash, a goldfish in the bag and a giant stuffed panda.

Of course, I got some stupid stuff, too.

You know, Fez, you should be thanking Randy.

You were so amazing winning all that stuff.

With your hair flowing and your muscles rippling.

You were like a Greek god of knocking things over.

All hail Ballus Knockoverus!

I'm still drunk.

So how did you get so good at popping balloons with darts?

Well, when my parents divorced, I found comfort in a community of non-judgmental carnival workers.

I taught them to read, and in exchange they taught me how to play their games of chance.

Really? Nah, I got a dartboard.

Well, you won every game in the place.

Donna, it must be nice to finally have a boyfriend who can swing that sledgehammer and get that little black thing past, "Seriously, hit it."

Now, you shush. Eric always did very well at the fair.

Every time he went to that one booth, he walked away with a stuffed animal.

That was the gift shop.

Well, Mrs. Forman, you won a prize, too.

I can't believe you let that guy guess your weight.

And I can't believe that the woman who almost married my son has already moved on to the next customer because she's as loose as an old gym sock.

Horrus Maximus!

And that weight-guesser never had a chance once I took off my shoes, my belt, my engagement ring, spit out my gum and took all the Kleenex out of my pockets.

Oh, Fez, honey, you never gave me back my ring.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, so sparkly.

And lost forever.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

It's gone! My engagement ring is gone!

You! You lost it!

We let you into our country, we give you minimum-wage jobs, we teach you how to use a knife and a fork and this is how you thank us?

Kitty, I hate to see you so upset when there is such an easy solution.

Let's just get you home, I'll make you a martini, then when you calm down, I'll make you a margarita.

Wait, what about us?

Oh, you're going to stay here and look for the ring.

And if it rains, just do like the Indians did. Die.

Okay. Well, the ring must have rolled down the hill, which means that it's been probably eaten by a squirrel.

We need to find this squirrel, feed it laxatives,

and wait for the show to begin.

God, we're stuck out here? That's a bummer.

I've been waiting to get you home ever since you threw that ping-pong ball into the floating teacup.

Maybe we can sneak off. You know, the woods can be pretty romantic.

That is, unless you run into a serial killer.

Or a witch who lives in a house made of candy.

Hey, you guys, you know, I was thinking that maybe we'd find the ring faster if we split up into teams.

Say, Donna, that's a great idea! But who, may I ask, would go with whom?

I get Donna.

Well, that way, if we run into a bear, I could just climb you.

No, I was thinking I would go with Randy and you would go with Hyde.

No, no, no, I'm not teaming up with Steven.

That would be like Cher teaming up with a really smelly drunk.

Whoa! Did you guys hear that?

The wild call of the brown-haired pygmy bitch.

I didn't hear anything. There it is again!

Hey, this is what it's all about.

The outdoors, just us guys talking man-to-man.

You know, Jackie is so annoying. I didn't realize when we were going out.

Sometimes you got to marry a stripper to get things into perspective.

Anyway, this is good. The outdoors, just us guys, talking man-to-man. It's what it's all about.

Yeah, hey, can I team up with Donna?

What? No, it's all about the guys!

Ah, man, I can't get between you and Donna, 'cause love, that's what it's all about. And jugs.

Especially jugs.

Then love. But mostly jugs. You know what I mean, man?

Silence. That's what it's all about.

Oh, this is just awful.

Fine. I'll add more gin. No.

Red, the ring. And you know, this is all your fault.

If you hadn't driven like a madman over a pothole, I wouldn't be drinking to calm my nerves, I would just be drinking.

Hey, I am not the one who gave his engagement ring to the foreign kid.

You're lucky he is not wearing it through his nose!

Oh, this is just the worst thing ever.

Kitty, it's just a ring! I am talking about the drink!

Hey, there. I was just putting out the trash and heard you two having a little spat, so I figured you'd probably want me to come and take a side.

Okay, well, my engagement ring is lost and Red doesn't even give a damn.

And I don't understand it because even if he doesn't care about the sentimental value, it still cost $1,000.

1,000 bucks? So you finally replaced the old cheap one, huh?

What? Bob...

Oh, jeez.

You blew it now, Red.

The old cheap one? What is he talking about, Red?

Kitty, I love you.

How much did my ring really cost?

Right around $1,000.

How much exactly?

$65.

$65? My hairdo costs more than that!

It does? Where the hell are you getting...

Which is beside the point, because you look lovely!

And you know what else looks lovely?

The view from the couch.

Which is where your cheap, lying butt will be sleeping tonight.

She's right about that couch. Got a great view of the TV from there.

Steven is such a jerk. You know, I can't believe I almost married a guy who can belch the alphabet all the way to "W."

You know, he never finishes anything.

Well, Randy is perfect.

That lady at the fair who did the caricatures?

She refused to draw him 'cause she couldn't find a flaw.

Oh, please. That lady had no talent.

Did you see how big she drew my mouth?

Hey. Hey.

Any luck finding that ring? No.

But we did find a broken high heel, some old stockings, and an empty pack of Marlboros.

Yeah. So it looks like Steven's mom has been here, too.

You don't know my mom. She smokes Luckys.

Well, maybe it's time we shake up the search parties a little bit.

Tell you what, I'll flip a coin. Heads me and Donna, tails me and Jackie.

It's heads, Donna, come on.

Wait, no, no! I can't go with Steven. He's a disgusting pig.

Yeah. She's a stuck-up princess who only cares about looks and money.

Oh, don't try to sweet-talk me.

Okay, look, we're not going to find this stupid ring anyway, so let's just get out of here.

Where's Fez?

Well, Goldie,

it seems that we're lost in a dark, cold, lonely cave.

You look scared, too.

Your eyes are bugging out of your head.

But I'm glad you're here.

'Cause at least I can have a conversation with a fish.

Otherwise I'd be losing my mind.

Fez?

Where is he? Oh, don't worry.

He survived his trip over here in a banana crate, he'll be fine in the woods.

Actually, I'm kind of worried about him.

It's dark, it's cold, there's no pornography anywhere.

What was that?

That was a wild Canadian boar.

They feed on likeable girls.

You're safe.

You know, being out here like this, without any TV or magazines, you know, makes me realize how people 500 years ago must have felt.

Incredibly bored.

By the way, Donna, if you're ever lost in the outdoors, just find the North Star.

Its gentle twinkling will comfort you as you slowly die.

Oh. Ew!

What, now we have to cross a disgusting river?

Jackie, it's just a creek.

Okay, fine. Why don't you take your shoe off, we'll all get in and row ourselves across.

Allow me, milady. Thank you.

Wait, how am I supposed to get across?

Come across like you always do. Real bitchy.

Oh. Okay, you know what?

Even when we were dating, you never did the gentlemanly thing.

All right, fine, give me your hand.

No, I am not touching that hand.

You have been burping in that hand all day.

Come on, you've touched grosser things than this.

You went out with Kelso for four years.

Oh.

Okay, you know what, I'll just get myself across.

Well, that couldn't have worked out any better.

Well, Goldie, if my internal clock is correct, we've been here either an hour, or a month.

Man, I'm terribly thirsty.

Hope you don't mind, I'm going to drink a little bit of your water.

You peed in there.

Well, I made Bob go and get the kids.

Maybe they'll find the ring, maybe not, either way, I got rid of Bob.

I can't believe you lied to me about that ring.

Listen, Kitty.

When I got back from Korea, I wanted to buy you the nicest engagement ring ever.

But I wasn't making much money.

And when I realized how long I would have to save to get that ring, I just knew I couldn't wait that long to ask you to marry me.

Well, that's true. I had other offers.

Jimmy Callahan used to call me "sweet knees" and he was absolutely right.

So, I bought the best that I could afford and I was going to tell you that we'd get a better ring when we had the money.

But then it all went wrong.

You loved the ring, you said it must've cost $1,000 and you were so excited.

I just couldn't let you down.

Red.

But I'll tell you what.

If the kids don't find the old one, I'll get you another ring.

The kind that you deserve for putting up with me all these years.

Well, I don't want you to sell the house.

Hey, Donna, you know when you see a flock of ducks flying in a "V" formation, one side looks longer than the other, you know why that is?

No? More ducks.

Hey, we lost Jackie and Hyde.

Finally we're alone.

Donna!

That was magical. Yeah. I hope I didn't get pregnant.

Donna!

Hey, you guys missed it! Jackie just fell in the creek.

Will you shut up? I can get pneumonia and die.

This keeps getting funnier.

All right, we still need to find Fez, so why don't the girls stay here, Hyde and I go look for him?

I have a better idea. Let's get some meatball subs

and go to a strip club.

Come on, buddy, let's go find Fez.

Maybe Fez has a meatball sub!

Okay, I have been holding this in for, like, three hours and I can't do it anymore.

Yeah, I know. You like Randy, you're jealous of my hair. Blah, blah, blah.

No, I drank too much, and now I have to, like, go, so be my lookout.

You know, if this were a mall, you'd be in a bathroom right now.

Of course, you wouldn't be in a mall, 'cause you might accidentally put on some new clothes.

Hey, man, this looks familiar. I think we just made a complete circle.

Whoa! Oh, my God!

No, I'd remember this!

I win again!

I know you're just a fish, but come on, at least try!

Fez, is that you?

Goldie, you can use pronouns?

No, Fez, it's me, Bob.

Bob! You found us! Hallelujah!

Yep, just followed the trail of candy corn you left.

What? I didn't leave a... Oh, damn it! There was a hole.

All that candy corn wasted.

No, I ate them.

Bob, they were on the ground!

Well, I would have done the same.

Donna, you don't have to be embarrassed, man. It's over.

Nobody cares.

In fact, hey, let's all sing a little campfire song, all right? I'll start. j& Tinkle, tinkle, little star Donna wees behind a bush j&

I just couldn't hold it anymore.

Why did I get the 48-ounce commemorative cup?

Why didn't I go in the 48-ounce commemorative cup?

I'm not sure that relieving yourself in a cup would've made this any less humiliating.

You know, this... This is why I hate the woods.

Everything's a bathroom. God, it's just like Delaware.

Oh, that reminds me of an old Delawarean folk song. j& Donna squatted in a bush Pee-pee, doo-doo j& Donna squatted in a bush Pee-pee all day long

j& Oh, when the saints j& Oh, when the saints j& Go marching in j& Go marching in j& Oh, when the saints go marching in Dad? j& Oh, Lord, I want to be in that number j& When the saints go marching in j& Oh, when the saints... j&

My dad and Fez are skipping through the woods.

And I peed on a bush.

I really should've gone to college.

Come on, Jackie, I'll help you across the creek.

Would you just leave me alone? Want to fall in again?

Fine.

Steven!

Man, I hope I remember this in the morning.

Yeah, it's too bad the kids never found your ring.

But on the up side... Pork Doodles!

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh, it's my ring!

It was in the car the whole time!

That's great. It's like I always say, sometimes you find things.

Kitty! Red!

I just ordered you a new ring.

The diamond is almost a karat, the band is white gold, the jeweler said it was the nicest one he had.

Oh.

Well, that sounds beautiful.

I know it won't have all the sentimental value of the old one, but...

...but that ring is gone forever.

Goldie, it's not right to keep you in a tiny bag like this.

A goldfish belongs in the wild.

It's never easy to say goodbye. Especially to a fish.

'Cause I'm not sure where your ears are.

Here you go.

Swim, Goldie! Swim!

Fly, Goldie! Fly!