That '70s Show S8E16 Script

My Fairy King (2006)

Hey, Fez.

Hey, girl holding Fez's hand who I've never seen before in my life.

Everyone, meet Hilary. My girlfriend. Hi, guys.

Is she really your girlfriend, Fez?

Or did you just find her wandering from the scene of an accident and tell her she's your girlfriend?

No, this one's legit. See, no scratches.

Um, a little privacy, please?

You want privacy?

You spy on me and Randy all the time. Donna, I like to watch.

I don't like being watched. That's just creepy.

No, creepy is when you open the closet door and throw a shoe at me and tell me to get out of the way so you can get a better view of Donna.

Hey. Um, I'm looking for Samantha. Who are you?

I'm her husband.

Sam!

Larry? Samantha.

Uh, this guy just said he is your husband which is a little off-putting because I'm your husband.

I can explain this.

You're both my husband.

Wow, Hyde. I bet when you married a stripper this wasn't the kind of threesome you expected.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street

j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

So when you and I got married, you were already married to another guy?

Sort of.

Sort of? There is no "sort of" in marriage.

When you say, "I do," you mean, "I do want to marry you," not, "I do already have another husband!"

Hey, everybody, Hyde's part of a boy-harem!

Look, Hyde, Larry was a regular at the club and one day he asked me to marry him.

He said he'd rent me an apartment and buy me a Camaro, what was I supposed to say?

How about, "No, you creepy 80-year-old loser"?

Hey, nobody talks to Larry Lennet like that.

Shut up, Larry. I'm sorry, dear.

Then I met you and I fell in love.

I figured we'd just leave town and I'd never see him again.

Luckily for me, you kept using my credit card, which expires in a month. I got you a new one in the car.

So, if she was married to him before she married you, then you guys aren't even legally married, which means this is freaking hilarious!

Red, I just heard some bad news, I ran over to tell you.

Bob, you live next door, why are you panting?

I was going against the wind.

They're opening a Muffler Master right here in Point Place!

What? Aw, jeez.

My shop is barely scraping by as it is.

Muffler Master isn't going to drive you out of town.

They're a big chain.

They're always throwing their weight around, crushing anything smaller than themselves.

They're like Bob at a Cub Scout pancake breakfast.

Well, they are just a faceless corporation.

You have something they don't. A friendly smiling face behind the counter.

When did you hire a new guy?

This town needs to know that there is a friendly neighborhood muffler man they can go to.

So you should have a sale.

No, a sale-a-bration!

I'll make muffins. You can give one away with each muffler.

Just don't sell more than 12 mufflers because Jody Adelman still has my other tin.

See you later, alligator. After a while, you big baboon.

Unbelievable. God, Fez has Hilary, you have Randy, now Steven's wife has two husbands.

Why am I alone and all you stupid, less attractive people are happy?

Ugly people need love, too.

Just like bitches.

Okay, I need a boyfriend.

But I don't want to end up with someone as stupid as Michael or someone as wrong for me as Steven.

I know. I'm gonna write up a list.

Write down everything I want in a man and then find the guy who matches up!

I did that once. But with candy.

Okay. What do I want in a guy?

Ah, Olympic gold medalist,

someone who doesn't talk to the help.

Oh, doesn't look like Eric.

Jackie, if you're serious about this list, maybe you should pick qualities that are a little more realistic?

Ah, you're right. Yeah, you're right.

No fatties, no baldies.

What are you still doing here?

I thought you'd be halfway to Vegas by now with your husband.

You're my husband.

No. I'm the guy you married 'cause you were bored.

Next time, try tennis, you lunatic.

Hey. That's our wife you're talking about.

Shut up, Larry. I'm sorry.

Hyde, for what it's worth, I don't love Larry.

I love you. Oh. Great.

You love me more than you love your grandfather.

Well, I'll have you know I won't be going without a fight.

Shut up, Larry! Without a fight it is.

Oh, Red, I am sorry business is so slow.

I blame myself. I used margarine instead of butter in the muffins.

I ruined us to save 8 cents!

Red, I told you, you should listen to me.

I'm not renting a promotional monkey.

No. No, Red, you should've turned this place into an adult bookstore.

Those places are packed 24 hours a day.

Sometimes you can't even get to the good stuff.

Oh, oh, Red, a customer. Okay, now, you show him that you have the personal touch that Muffler Master doesn't.

And if that doesn't work, tell him you have a fake leg.

There is an orderly at the hospital who has a fake leg and he just gets whatever he wants.

Can I help you? Yeah, I need a muffler.

And I appreciate your business.

I mean, sure, Muffler Master can give you half off, but here at Forman and Son, you get personalized home-town service with a smile.

Half off? What am I doing here?

Hey, what about my damn service with a smile?

I have a fake leg!

Okay, okay, stop everything!

I've finished my "perfect man" list!

And all the pieces of my life are falling into place.

Oh, would you just shush and listen? Okay, first, he has to be a gentleman.

Just like my Fezzie. He's always opening doors for me.

Well, that way, I can walk in behind her and the view is better.

Okay, my ideal guy has a great sense of humor.

Oh, that's like Fez, too!

Just this morning, he told me the funniest knock-knock joke.

I'd tell it, but I don't want to get us off-track with 10 minutes of uproarious laughter.

Okay, and third, he has to be interested in women's shoes.

Oh, Fez, that's like last night when you put on my heels...

Anywho...

Okay.

Okay, well, I'll let you guys hash this out on your own.

Baby, some stories are just for us.

Jackie, have you realized who fits every single thing on your list?

Yeah! Elton John!

And I think he's single, 'cause you never see him out with a girl.

No, I'm talking about Fez.

What? Hey, you wrote the list and the list don't lie. And your ideal man is Fez!

Oh... That is almost as ridiculous as you looking in the mirror and thinking this outfit works.

Oh, yeah?

At least I can see over the bathroom counter to look in the mirror.

Oh, hey, you know what? I found a perfect dress for you that'll fit you.

Ah, you're gonna have to borrow it from the Statue of Liberty.

Okay, truce. I didn't mean to upset you. Let's just stop and call it even.

Okay, fine.

You like Fez, you like Fez.

Today was a total disaster.

I didn't sell one muffler and I drove a dozen customers into the hands of my competition.

If I were a younger, more flexible man, I'd shove my foot up my own ass.

You think you got problems? I've got a husband-in-law.

Okay, well, this should cheer the two of you up.

My secret seven-layer casserole.

The secret is layers three and six are bourbon.

I can't go back out on the job market. It's a young man's game.

Plus I hate everybody.

Well, maybe you should think about retiring.

You're always saying how you'd love more time to drive around town and yell at men who wear sandals.

I can't afford to retire. That's it.

I'm not waiting for those bastards to put me out of business.

I'm going down to the Muffler Masters offices and give them a piece of my mind.

What if they tell you to go take a flying leap?

Well, then, I'll throw a garbage can through their window.

So basically, Jackie's list says the perfect man for her is Fez, but she's in massive denial.

Jackie, it's not healthy to be in denial.

Once my uncle came to terms with his crush on Burt Reynolds, a whole new world opened up for him.

Okay, look, just because Fez matches up with a few things on my list doesn't mean he is the perfect match for me.

I mean, we are complete opposites. It's like I'm Beauty and he is the Beast.

Um, Jackie, at the end of the story, Beauty and the Beast get together.

Oh, would you shut up, you reader?

Look, there are plenty of other things on this list. For instance, my perfect guy compliments me, buys me presents and comes when I call.

And none of that describes Fez.

Did you call me?

What? No, I... Wow, Jackie, you look fantastic today.

Oh, which reminds me, I got you a present.

Enjoy it. Bye, guys!

Whoa, that was weird.

So have you decided what you are gonna do about Sam?

I don't know, man.

I mean, on one hand, she kept a massive secret from me, and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

On the other hand, I'm just a small-town burn-out with two stints in juvie.

Who am I to judge?

Well, all I know is, she makes you happy.

And the only other time I've seen such a big smile on your face was when you got Fez and Kelso to smash their heads together when you threw a peanut on the floor.

It's a tough decision, man. I'm gonna let the ball decide.

If I make the shot, I stay with Sam. If I miss, I say goodbye.

Huh. God's funny.

Kitty, I just got back from the Muffler Master offices in Kenosha.

Oh, I hate Kenosha. They think they're so much better than us just because they've got a town pool.

Yeah. Well, I told them, no matter how many mom-and-pop stores they put out of business, they'd better not even think about opening a store near mine or they'll get a fight from me like they've never seen!

That's my man! What did they say?

They're putting a store across the street.

Oh, Red, I'm sorry.

Ah, don't be. I scared the heck out of them.

They even offered me a little money for my shop.

Well, I hope you told them to get lost.

Course I did. Then they offered me more money.

And you told them to stuff it.

Damn right. And then they offered me a lot of money.

Go to hell, Muffler Master. Actually, I accepted it.

Thank you, Muffler Master!

Oh.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Yeah, me neither.

But you know, I've been thinking about what you said, about retiring.

And I think that, with this check, we can just about do it.

If it's okay with you.

Oh, Red. You don't have to ask my permission for anything.

You have fought in two wars, you have worked your whole life.

You deserve to cash in.

Well, I couldn't have done it without my best gal!

Well, speaking of things you can't do without your best gal...

Hmm.

How'd you like to go celebrate?

I was thinking the same thing!

Oh! You meant...

Well, sure, we can get a steak later!

Doesn't it bother you that Muffler Master is going to turn your shop into a parking lot?

As long as that check clears, I don't care if they turn it into a Communist recreation center.

Anyway, what happened to you and Sam?

Oh, well. We finally got some time alone, we talked, I told her I thought it'd be a mistake if we stayed together, she agreed and we hugged.

Then she jumped back on the main stage and finished out her act.

Well, you two kids lasted longer than I expected.

I thought she was gonna knock you out and steal your wallet on the first night.

Hey. Hey.

Thought you'd be halfway to Vegas by now.

Hyde, I'm really sorry how things worked out.

Yeah, me, too.

But I like to think if our paths ever cross again that I'd be able to give you $20 and you'd be able to dance for me and it wouldn't be awkward.

I'd like that.

Bye. See ya.

You all right? Yeah.

Let me tell you something, son. I dodged a lot of bullets in Korea, but not one as crazy and blonde as the one that you just side-stepped.

It's weird, man.

I never imagined myself divorced from a Vegas stripper with a second husband at this age.

I never imagined myself retired at this age.

But all I know is, when life finally gives you a break from the crap storm, the best thing that you can do is to crack open a beer with a friend.

To retirement. To divorce.

You know, Red, retirement is gonna be great.

Sleeping in every day, watching TV, doing nothing.

I'd be happy to show you how it's done.

Beauty!

Beast! I like your haircut.

Oh, thank you for noticing.

Yeah, I had them take off a little extra off the wrists.

So what brings you up to the forest of no return?

Oh, see, I wrote up this list of who my perfect match should be, and everyone thinks it's you.

I mean, isn't that crazy? You're a beast!

That's true, I'm disgusting.

Yeah! Oh, yeah, you actually have a little piece of elf right here.

Did I get it?

No, no, here, come here. Ah.

Uh-uh!

Okay. Well, I'll see you later, Beast.

Beast! You're totally hot!

Holy crap! I'm going to save a fortune on razors!

Why, you're not a beast at all! You're a handsome prince.

The list was right. You are the one for me.

Then come and get the royal treatment, baby!

Jackie? Jackie! Are you okay?

You were moaning in your sleep, and while I find it enjoyable, I thought I should wake you up.

I'm fine. No, I'm fine, it's just, um...

Fez? Get back in here, you beast!

Oh, coming, my Beauty!

Hi, honey, how was your day? Great, great.

I scared an entire village and I tore down all the trees in the forest.

What's for dinner?

I made you a special dish. Macaroni and children?

Italian! My favorite!

I do smell good. Hey, save me a piece of me!