That '70s Show S8E17 Script

Crazy Little Thing Called Love (2006)

Steven, why is there lingerie behind my canned goods?

Oh, sorry, that's Sam's.

Before we split up, our love life got a little boring so we decided to branch out and try some new locations.

By the way, this is a good, sturdy table.

Oh, Steven!

Good morning.

Hi, Red. You're up early.

You're retired. You should be sleeping in.

Yeah, well, I was awoken by the pleasant sound of birds chirping outside my window.

And now that I don't have to work, I finally have time to poison them.

I feed those birds bread every day.

Good. That'll make it easier.

Red, I don't think you have embraced retirement yet.

What you need to do is get yourself a robe, go sit out on the porch, then shake your fists and yell stuff like, "Dagnabit! Why I ought to..."

I have to say, I looked forward to retirement as much as I looked forward to playing catch with my son.

And both of them have left me bitterly disappointed.

Well, you know, we could take a trip.

When Amy O'Brian's husband retired, they went to see the nutcracker museum in Rhode Island.

We don't have to go anywhere that fancy, but there is that cave in West Virginia I've been wanting to see.

That's a good idea, Red. You and Kitty you should travel.

You know, see the world.

I saw the world when I was in the Navy. It shot at me.

I don't know. West Virginia is supposed to be pretty nice.

It is the Ohio of the Atlantic states.

Well, if you need something to do, you can always come down to help me at the record store.

There's a light switch that keeps shocking people.

Although on the upside, the jolts seem to be making Leo remember stuff.

Yeah, sure, I'll help you out. It'll be good to get out of the house.

If I have to listen to Phil Donahue, tell one more housewife that it isn't her fault that her life is messed up, I'm going to drive to Chicago and hit him in the head with a hammer.

Okay, Donna, I have something to admit to you but it's really embarrassing.

You read a book for pleasure?

Um...

I like Fez.

Wow.

Well, I guess the only thing I have to say is I freaking knew it!

Donna! Look, I know I made up that stupid list to figure out who my perfect match should be, and you were right.

It's Fez.

This is one of the biggest things I've ever heard you say.

I know, I know. I can't believe I like him.

No, you admitted I was right.

Okay, are you sure you like Fez?

I mean, think about all the things you've said about him over the years.

He's a bad... Poor... Sweaty... Stinky... Crazy...

Sick... Ridiculous... Foreign... Spazoid... Weirdo.

Okay, all right, Donna. You busted me.

I like a bad, poor, sweaty, stinky, crazy, ridiculous, sick, foreign, spazoid weirdo.

Hey, luscious ladies.

Hey, Fez.

Hey, Fez. What's up?

Well, I made up a new way to play Candyland where I will eat the appropriate candy for each square I land on.

So, Jackie, get ready to come home to a candy-covered, pantsless roommate.

Wait. Why do you have to take your pants off to play?

You don't know me at all!

There he goes, Jackie.

Your candy-covered, pantsless Prince Charming.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Fez, now that I'm spending so much time here, maybe you should get a waterbed.

That way we won't keep Jackie up with all the squeaking.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I'm a squeaker.

Oh, Donna, I like a squeaker.

Well, what am I going to do?

Okay, look.

A few years ago, I went to see a therapist.

Loser!

My parents were going through their divorce and it helped.

Not everyone who goes to a therapist is a loser.

Okay, wait. So, you're saying this therapist actually helped you?

Yeah.

Well, he must be pretty good if he convinced you you're not a loser...

Wow, man. Impressive.

Yeah. Mr. Forman is really good at fixing stuff.

No, six across. "Impressive."

No, wait, that's more than three letters.

There you go.

Oh, nice job, Red.

Only problem is now I can see how dirty everything is.

I got to do something about that.

There you go.

All right, man, thanks. Guess I'll see you later.

Actually I thought I'd fix that wobbly chair before I left.

Take a hike, cop-head.

Hey, quiet!

Oh, sorry, it's quilt.

Sorry.

I'm just saying I can't believe I'm in a therapist's office.

I mean, there is no way I'll be able to talk for a whole hour.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hammond.

You're right.

I am pretty and I am special.

And I am in the wrong office.

Wow, that was a tough hour.

Come on in, girls.

Have a seat, huh. Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Helen.

Fine! I'll heat up my own dinner.

God knows you haven't heated up anything in our home in months.

But have a great time, huh.

So. Donna, nice to see you again.

How are your folks?

Oh, you know, still crazy.

You're telling me, they paid for my watch.

And you must be Jackie.

Yeah. Oh, but before you think there is anything wrong with me, you see, I'm only here because I like this boy and I don't want to like him, so...

You know, if you could just write a prescription for that, I'll be on my way.

Do you see how messed up she is?

Still eating your cuticles?

No.

Jackie, first tell me about some of the other men that you had feelings for.

Okay. Well, there's Michael, who cheated on me.

And then there's Steven, who would rather vandalize a car than commit to a relationship.

And now there's Fez, who's been after me for years and is really very sweet, but I never paid any attention to him 'cause, you know, he's foreign.

Wow. He seems like a fine man.

Or at least he is now.

Before you get your sadistic female claws into him and make him forget that he is even a man at all.

Okay, well, none of this matters anyway because, of course, now that I like Fez, he has a girlfriend.

Have you ever considered that you only like unavailable men?

I mean, the others were emotionally unavailable.

But you weren't interested in Fez until he was taken.

Wow.

So I don't really like Fez, I just think I like him 'cause he has a girlfriend?

Do you see how messed up she is, Doctor?

I mean she's got some real issues.

I notice you dyed your hair.

What are you running away from?

I just want people to like me!

Jackie, just remember that whoever you end up with, the key to any relationship is good communication.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Helen!

I told you I'd move it as soon as Al can help me.

Well, I wish you had more upper body strength!

No, you are!

No, you are!

Go to hell, you cow!

So...

Yes.

Good communication.

That's the key.

Why is the closed sign on the door?

Oh, Red put that up.

He said I could either have a closed sign on the door, or an open sign on my ass.

I should never have asked him to come down, man.

He is bad for business.

You think that's bad for business?

I've been stealing money for months.

Red?

Red!

Hey, man, why are you working so hard?

You should be enjoying your retirement, you know.

Yeah, there's still plenty to do here.

The hinge on that office door is busted, the window needs caulking and that back room is such a mess, you got a bunch of weeds growing in there.

Look, man, why don't you just call it a day, you know?

You're retired, it's 2:00.

Hey, it's almost dinner time.

Are you kicking me out?

No. You know...

Yeah.

Look, why... Why don't you just go home.

I don't believe this!

He seemed mad.

Good thing you never have to see him again.

Uh-oh!

Fez! Great news!

I have an opportunity to do something that is going to make me incredibly happy.

Oh, that is wonderful! I'm going to become a nun!

You selfish whore!

Listen, I join the convent next week.

So, I'm sorry.

But, if it makes you feel any better, you're the last man to ever touch me.

Unless, I meet someone in Italy before I take my vows.

See you.

Hey, Fez. What's going on?

Hilary broke up with me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's all right.

I got to go find Hyde!

I am pretty.

I am special.

My casserole is not too oniony.

Hey.

Oh, Steven. I need to talk to you.

How could you kick Red out of your store?

I wasn't expecting him home so early and he walked in on me taking a bath without any bubbles.

There goes the mystery!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman, he was in the way.

In the way?

When your parents left you and we took you in, did we say you were in the way?

No! We fed you and loved you and we let you into our Sears family portrait.

Look, I asked him to fix one little switch.

The next thing I know, he is pounding and swearing and sweating.

It's like watching Fez eat a cake.

Well, you need to find a way to make Red feel useful.

And you know what else you need to find?

A beige cardigan, because that's what we're wearing in this year's picture.

And I don't want to hear about how it's not cool.

I just want you to put the damn thing on, smile and say freaking cheese.

Jackie, what is it about me that makes every woman leave?

I'm going to die alone with nothing but a room full of candy and pornography to keep me company.

Although, as I say that, it sounds okay.

Oh, okay. Look, Fez, you're not... You're not going to die alone.

Yes, I am. I'm a foreign weirdo.

No, no. You have fascinating stories about faraway lands.

I scare women away with my clinginess.

But when someone needs you, you're always there.

People can barely understand a word I say.

Well, yes, but that's a good thing, because sometimes you say really stupid things.

Uh, okay, look, Fez, you're a great guy, okay.

You're funny and you're cute.

And any girl would be lucky to have you.

Oh, Jackie, you're so sweet.

Why can't I find a woman like you who likes me?

I got to go!

Well, if I watch some TV, I'll feel better.

And now, Masterpiece Theater presents A Lonely Foreigner.

Hyde, I don't get it.

We're going to destroy Mr. Forman's house and that's supposed to make him feel better?

Yeah.

Then he can fix everything and feel really useful.

Red will be happier than the time he chased off those deadheads camping in the park.

Well, you can't camp there, man.

Some bald guy chases you off.

I just ripped this right off the furnace.

I busted that TV.

I totally destroyed the washing machine, man.

Oh, hey, Red.

I'm glad you're here, man. Things are just falling apart down here.

It's freezing in my room and the TV is broken and this thing just popped right out of the washing machine.

Jeez, I'm gone for one day and the whole house goes to hell.

Yeah. It's a good thing you're here, though, so you can fix everything.

You know what?

I'll get to this stuff later.

Later?

Yeah, I was thinking about what you said this afternoon at the record store.

You're right. I do deserve to slow down and enjoy my retirement.

So, right now, I'm going fishing.

Yeah, but it's, like, 10 degrees in my room!

Can I at least call a repairman?

Sure. But you're paying for it.

I'm on a fixed income.

I'm retired.

This is bad.

We destroyed everything.

On the bright side, I don't live here.

What am I going to do, man? I can't watch TV, I can't sleep in my room.

I guess I can drag my bed out here.

Hyde, man, wait till you see what I did to your bed!

Okay, Donna, I don't know what to do.

I thought I only liked Fez because he was unavailable.

But now he's available and I still like him.

I mean, I almost kissed him!

On the mouth!

He eats couscous with that thing!

Okay, before I tell you what to do, let me just get one thing straight.

You really like Fez?

Fez is the one you like?

Yes.

So you want to go out on dates with Fez?

And make out with Fez?

Yes! Okay.

Its Christmas morning, you get up and your gift is Fez!

Donna! Sorry.

All right, well, look, I mean, if you really like him, you're going to have to tell him.

I know. You're right. You're right.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. So, uh, I hear you like Fez.

What? How did you hear that?

Since we weren't trapped in a soundproof lead box, we were able to hear your delicate voice from across the street.

All right. Okay, I know you guys probably think I'm crazy and I'm going from guy to guy.

But Fez has always been there for me and he makes me feel good about myself.

So, go ahead, go, go make fun of me.

No, man. That's cool. You know, Fez is a good guy.

I think if he'd make you happy, that's what you should do.

Wow. Steven, thanks.

And if it doesn't work out, I hear Bob's available.

And if that's no good, here comes the garbage man!

Oh, and hey, there's a garden gnome across the street you haven't done.

Hey, Fez, okay, we need to talk.

Yes, yes, we do. I thought about what you said and you were right.

I was? Yes.

Yes. Hilary did me a big favor by leaving.

Yes! Yeah, okay, I think so, too.

And what I realized is I shouldn't be tied down to one woman!

Wait. What? Yes!

I should be spreading my seed all across the land.

So, America, get ready, 'cause Fez is coming out in action and no woman is safe!

Except you. Nightie night!

Don't get me started on my home life.

My wife and I haven't slept together for months.

But it's not all good news.

Oh, well, looks like our hour is almost up.

But it seems like you could use a drink.

Pour one for yourself.

Oh, no. I never touch the stuff!

Oh, what the hell, doctor's orders!