That '70s Show S8E18 Script

We Will Rock You (2006)

Fez, guess what I just got. The new Village People album!

How many songs can they write about where men go to massage each other?

The Navy. These boys never let me down!

Disco sucks, man. It's painful to listen to.

It makes me wanna shoot myself.

It's the musical equivalent of Jackie.

Wow. Look at these guys.

Their music is so bad they need to wear disguises just so people don't beat the crap out of them.

Oh, I heard how in Chicago they made a huge bonfire out of disco records.

Also, they cover their hotdogs in pastrami.

It's freaking awesome.

Man, we should have our own bonfire.

I'm sick of corporations selling crap to kids that dumbs them down and makes them act stupid.

Hey. I can sell beer at the bonfire!

I've got tons of old disco records we can burn.

What? I was young! And what do you expect?

You see the hair.

You guys are awful. Disco has been great to me.

Without disco, if I rub my crotch on a girl, it's illegal.

With disco, it's a bar mitzvah.

See, disco has given Fez and I some of our best times together.

Oh, like remember the night when we beat Johnny and Melina at that dance-off?

Oh, we kicked their gold-lame asses!

You know what? I heard Johnny's working at a car wash.

Yeah! Uh-huh. We did that to him.

Jackie, be nice.

Car wash. He's poor!

You see that? See? We got a trophy and the satisfaction of knowing we ruined two people's lives.

So you can have your little bonfire, but we're not going.

Yeah, I'm going to Weight Watchers to pick up women.

The thin ones are great, but they have low self-esteem.

That way, you get a hot chick for fat girls prices.

Wait, Fez. Hey, maybe we should go.

You know, and defend the music that we love. As a team.

Sure, what the hell. Weight Watcher meetings will always be there.

God bless The Dairy State.

We never run out of fat girls.

Pretty clever there, Jackie.

Using a disco bonfire as a way to cozy up next to the guy you secretly love.

Yeah, you know, it kind of reminds me of a song. j& Jackie loves the foreign boy Hola, taco j&

Look, I am not gonna sit back and let Fez try to pick up other women, much less fat chicks.

I mean, maybe if we go together, he'll see that we're perfect for each other.

So, we're coming.

Fine. But if you get in the way of me setting things on fire, you're getting set on fire.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Red, I invited the new neighbors over for coffee and cookies.

That way I can bad-mouth the rest of the block before they do it to me.

Kitty, I don't wanna meet new neighbors.

I had to wait 12 years for the old ones to croak.

Always wanted to talk and say, "Hello!"

Dumb asses.

Oh, okay, they're here. Now, be nice.

I haven't met the wife yet, but the husband, Josh, was very sweet.

He's a car salesman, and he told me he'd give me a great deal on a LeBaron, just because he likes me.

Although he's gonna have to ask his supervisor first.

Hello, Josh!

Hi, Kitty. Good to see you again.

This is Jeff.

Hi, Jeff. Where's your wife?

You're looking at her.

The only lady in my life is my little Pomeranian, Tina Louise.

Who is going to the pound if she doesn't stop humping my cowboy boots.

We are not having this conversation here.

Okay, well, I'm confused.

So, you two live together, but I only saw the movers bringing in one bed.

Oh!

Well!

Congratulations!

Look, Red, the new neighbors are here, and they're a couple of fellows.

Wait a second. You guys live together?

Yep.

Without any wives or girlfriends?

Yep.

You know what I call guys like you? Oh, dear.

Lucky bastards!

Well, the bonfire looks pretty sturdy.

Remember, if the flames get too high, we saw the foreign kid playing with the matches.

Hey. Who was that girl you were talking to?

Oh, Lisa Conner. A girl I dated a couple of years ago when I was a camp counselor.

Oh, I never knew you were a camp counselor.

It didn't last too long. Apparently, going on a canoe trip with six kids and coming back with five is a big no-no.

Hey, man. How much for a beer?

One dollar. Awesome. There you go.

Now, if you want it in a cup, that's an extra three bucks.

Oh! And, there's a two-dollar pouring charge.

You want six bucks for a beer?

You can always go to the other place.

There is no other place.

What do you know?

Looks like I got what you'd call a monopoly.

You have change for a ten?

Nope.

There he is, Officer!

Here's the guy who is responsible for this illegal gathering of dirty and ugly people.

These two tell me you organized an illegal bonfire.

You two narced on me?

What?

You stand there and accuse me of narcing?

No, sir! No! I did not narc!

What's "narc"?

Calling the cops.

Oh, yes, we narced.

That's right, Steven, because Fez and I both feel that burning disco records is wrong.

Just like burning books, but worse, because disco tells a story.

Wait, this is a disco-burning bonfire?

That's fantastic! Disco sucks!

Well, what do you know? A degenerate and a cop having a beer together.

It's a disco-sucking miracle.

You know, I'm taking an astronomy class in college right now.

See those three stars in a row right there? Mmm-hmm.

That's Virgo.

That's an airplane.

I do not go to a good school.

Oh, my God! Randy? Linda?

Oh, my God! Missy is here, too! Is she?

Oh, my God! I'll go get her!

Who was that?

Linda.

I dated her. Oh.

And her sister, Missy.

Not together, there was a summer in between them.

Summer was their cousin.

Wow. I'm dating a man-slut.

Look, I'm sure you've dated a lot of people, too.

I mean, if we took all the people I've dated and all the people you've dated and put them in a room together...

We'd have a room full of girls, and Eric.

What do you guys have against disco?

It's the only thing white people can dance to.

Hey, Jackie.

I was thinking of a way to get back at you for calling the cops on me, and then it hit me. You're only here to get with Fez.

So I figured, why not find the skankiest, sluttiest, drunkest chick here, give her three more beers, and introduce her to Fez?

Oh, you wouldn't!

Oh, I already did. You didn't!

I just said I did. You wouldn't dare.

I did! Turn around and look!

Enjoy your evening.

Fez!

What are you doing?

It's fantastic.

Every time I say, "Disco sucks,"

Kelly sticks her tongue down my throat.

Watch. Disco sucks!

It's like a magic trick!

Wait. Fez! You're supposed to be here with me!

Besides, don't you know about rocker chicks?

They all have syphilis.

Do you have syphilis?

I don't think so.

That's good enough for me, baby.

Oh, what a game!

That quarterback is 11 for 12 with no interceptions.

He is hot!

Ridiculously hot.

Oh? Another cookie?

What?

Nothing. I just thought we were trying to slim down for the Bahamas.

Well, excuse me, Mr. Two Scoops of Sherbet.

You know, you guys don't need wives.

You bicker like an old married couple.

Red, I need to talk to you in the kitchen.

Kitty, I'm watching the game. Red.

Oh, fine. You know, I wish there was a bar we could go to where there'd be no women, just guys.

I know a few.

I am having it.

Okay, Kitty, what is it?

Okay, it's about the neighbors.

There's something you should know.

Touchdown! Oh!

Damn it! See what you made me miss?

Kitty, I think those guys are gay!

Red, you can't hide from Jeff and Josh all night!

Not all night. Just till they eat all the cookies and decide to skip home.

Red Forman! So our neighbors are gay. So what?

At least they'll keep the place nice, and our property values will go up.

What am I supposed to say to them now?

You've been talking to them the whole game, you knew what to say then.

Well, that was before I saw them kissing in my living room.

Didn't bother you last night when you saw Abbott kiss Costello.

Well, that was different. They had to do that to fool the landlord.

Hey, Red. Can I borrow some socks? No.

Bob, we're having a crisis here.

The new neighbors are gay!

They're gay?

Oh, great! Now they're gonna be all over me.

What the hell are you talking about?

I can't explain it. Men find me attractive.

Yeah. Everybody wants a piece of the Pinci.

Well, Red, you can't let them sit in there all night.

What if they rearrange my furniture?

Fine, I'll talk to them.

Okay, but handle it gracefully.

Well, of course I will. Give me a little credit.

Good night, guys!

I have to go throw up again.

Okay. Hurry back!

Hey, Fez.

Village People! What are you doing here?

We came to put a stop to your disco bonfire.

Plus my mom lives in Kenosha, so, you know, two birds with one stone.

Can you keep a secret? I love disco.

Yeah, I'm just pretending to hate it so I can get with girls.

You guys know how that is, right, guys?

So, let's talk about Jackie.

You two came here together to defend disco, and you abandoned her to make out with some skank you're never gonna see again.

And?

And? It's wrong!

What do we have to do, spell it out for you? Because we can, with carefully choreographed arm movements.

Yeah, you're right. I totally let Jackie down.

You are one wise Indian.

Actually, I'm Puerto Rican. This is just a gig.

Okay, I'm done vomiting.

Wanna finish making out?

I would love to, but I can't, for two reasons.

One, I have somewhere to be.

And two, you have some spaghetti right here.

So it turns out Randy has dated every girl here.

I can literally throw a rock and hit a girl he's dated.

In fact, earlier I did. She's gonna need stitches.

Oh, I remember that girl. I sold her a Band-Aid for eight bucks.

Where did you find a Band-Aid?

I pulled it off some guy who was passed out.

Donna! Donna, look what I found. This is Sarah, a girl I've never dated, who I don't wanna date, and who doesn't want to date me.

Right, Sarah? That's right!

Although you are kind of cute.

Goodbye, Sarah. Would you like to go out sometime?

Go away, Sarah. Okay, but call me.

Oh, man, the keg's tapped. Looks like everyone took a turn.

Just like with Randy.

All right. It's time to light this bonfire.

Rockers of Point Place, it is time for fire!

No! Steven, no! You can't burn these records.

You're right, Jackie, I can't, because I'm too drunk.

Randy? Come burn these records. Stop!

Fez? You came back. Jackie, I need to tell you something, something about you and me. Really?

Yes. This whole time, I was off making out with that girl, and all of a sudden it felt wrong.

It did? Yes. I shouldn't have been with her.

I should have been with you.

Oh, my God. Fez, I've wanted to hear that for so long.

I feel the same way. And I realized something, and I want everyone to know it!

Jackie Burkhart and I are in love with disco!

Wait. What?

Yeah, and I will not stand by and let you set fire to these musical booty-shaking masterpieces.

That's unfortunate.

So, you did pretty well tonight.

Yep. And I learned a valuable lesson about art versus commerce.

The lesson is, I'm rich.

Good for you, man.

But I'm gonna have to write you a little ticket for disturbing the peace, and that's gonna cost you about...

How much you got there?

208 bucks. 208 bucks.

Fine.

Officer Ron?

You don't wanna buy your badge back?

Oh, and your car?

This whole night has been a nightmare.

You know, I thought Fez was gonna tell me he loved me, but no, he was just trying to be a good friend.

Ugh! What a jerk.

Jackie, everybody could use another friend.

Well, except Randy.

What are you looking at, bitch?

Avon calling!

Josh! Jeff! You're back!

Look, Red, Josh and Jeff are back.

Hey, men.

Red, we just wanted to come by to thank you.

Thank me? Yeah. It's not that easy for two guys like us to just move into a new neighborhood and make friends.

But you welcomed us into your home with open arms.

Well, sure! You're a couple of decent guys.

Not before he's had his coffee.

Like you're a ray of sunshine!

Anyway, you've been great.

The last place we lived, we had to tell people we were brothers.

Who would ever believe that the two of us could be brothers?

Anyway, we wanted to give you this, you know, to say thanks.

What is it?

Fruit cake.

Well, that's clever. It's a dessert and an ice-breaker.

Well, what do you say we all sit down and watch the Packers kick the crap out of the Vikings, huh?

Well, we like the Vikings.

What did you say?

You're Viking fans?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Get out of my house!

Red, come on, it's not our fault. We're from Minnesota.

We were born this way!

Out! Out, sickos!

Well, thanks a lot, Red.

Now I'll never know what rug ties this room together.

Thank you. Next please.

Hi, guys!

I love it! That's exactly what we need!

Leather guy, you're out. Chicken, you're in.

Hallelujah!

j& It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. j& It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. j& They have everything for you men to enjoy j& You can hang out with all the boys j& It's fun to stay at the... j&