That '70s Show S8E19 Script

Sheer Heart Attack (2006)

Wow, that was great.

I'm glad we stretched beforehand.

And I have to say, I was terrific.

You know, I've never said this before, Tracy, but you're the best lover I ever had.

You know, I've never said this before, Nicole, but you're the best lover I ever had.

I never said this before, Susan.

You're the best lover I ever had.

My name's Lucy!

The one time people understand me, I get the name wrong.

Jackie, I'd offer you a third sandwich, but you cleaned me out of meat and condiments.

And Cheez Whiz.

Well, now we're going to have to use the artificial stuff.

I don't know what's wrong with me, okay?

I want a guy I can't have. I can't stop stuffing my face.

I am a thin girl with fat-girl problems.

All right. If Fez and Jackie get together, it's official.

She becomes Point Place's sluttiest slut.

Well, I think it's nice you want to be with Fez.

He has turned into a fine young man.

And you never know with foreigners. They can go either way.

Come on, Jackie, I know what'll cheer you up.

Let's go down to the mall and make fun of all the people coming out of the Big & Tall store.

Donna, if you need something from the Big & Tall, just say so.

Well, Kitty, cardiologist says I don't have to take my heart pills anymore.

Well, that is wonderful news.

Oh, and you know what this means?

We can bring back fried-cheese Fridays!

It's not good news, Kitty.

I just bought a four-month supply of heart pills I don't need now.

That's 200 bucks down the crapper.

Why don't you just sell them?

You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation.

I saw one time on an after-school special.

Well, you can't sell drugs.

It's illegal, and it should be.

Because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses.

I will be in the bath.

You know, man, you can sell those pills.

No, I can't.

Yes, you can. You just have to find the right market.

Well, who the hell is going to want a bunch of heart pills?

Anybody here take procardiacs?

The doctor is in.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing

j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin!

It is torture knowing Fez is with all these different women.

All I hear from his bedroom is, "Oh Fez, you're so hot!"

Then he comes out of his room and goes off to his date.

Yeah. If the walls of Fez's bedroom could talk...

Well, we probably wouldn't be able to understand them, either.

No, if the walls in Fez's bedroom could talk, they'd yell, "Quit humping your Victoria Principal poster!"

Oh. Hey, Fez.

Where's your skank of the day?

I worked a double yesterday.

So I'm taking the day off.

In fact, I'm taking a break from the ladies altogether.

I knew it, he's gay.

I just won 20 bucks from Mrs. Forman.

No, I'm done sowing my wild oats.

Mostly because my oats can't take it anymore.

These tight jeans make my ass look great, but you pay the price up front.

So wait. Fez, um, what, no more one-night stands?

Nope. I just didn't find those meaningless flings satisfying.

I think I might be a one-woman guy.

Do you hear that, Jackie?

Fez is a one-woman guy.

Yeah. Surprising, but true.

Now if you'll excuse me, these jeans are splitting me in half.

Congratulations, Jackie, he's all yours.

It's like you won the lottery.

Well, you know, like a really crappy lottery.

Pretty cool, huh?

Fifty bucks for 15 minutes' work.

That was on a slow day.

Imagine what we could make if we set up shop on Betty Grable movie night.

Steven, we're not setting up shop anywhere.

All I want to do is get my money back.

Just like after I bought Eric that baseball mitt.

Dumb ass used it as a hat!

Fine. We'll just get your money back.

Now, where is the rest of the stash?

It's in the medicine cabinet.

And don't start calling the heart medicine "the stash."

It makes it sound like we're...

What's going on?

Oh, just having a little man-to-man talk.

About what?

Well...

Steven's getting a little older, and he just had some questions.

Oh, please. He was married to a stripper.

If anything, he should be giving you advice.

See what you made me do?

Now I'm lying to Kitty about selling drugs.

That's it. I'm throwing those pills away.

I can't spend my retirement as a lying dope peddler.

No, man, you're not a dope peddler.

You are a champion of the people!

Now, where does Kitty keep those little plastic baggies?

So, Fez, I hear you've been with a different woman every night.

I just hope you're doing the gentlemanly thing.

Thank-you cards never go out of style.

Actually, Miss Kitty, I'm hanging up my leather pants.

Yes. I'm ready to be with the one woman I should've been with all along.

Fez, I've told you a thousand times, Mr. Forman and I are very happy together.

I'm just kidding.

So, is this woman someone I know?

Yes.

And I know for a fact that she likes me.

Oh.

Oh!

Fez, I am so happy for you.

New love is exciting.

I remember the first time I tried Peppermint Schnapps.

But I want to be the one to tell her, so, um...

So please don't tell anyone we had this conversation.

I already forgot about it.

What?

We just had it. Pay attention.

No, Fez, I can keep a secret.

For instance, I never told anyone that I once caught Red wearing my nightgown to keep his legs warm.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. You didn't hear that.

Yes, I did. I was right here.

No, I'm just saying, your secret's safe with me.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Forman. What's up?

Fez is crazy about you!

Wait. What? Really? Yeah.

Now, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I hate when they drag things out on soap operas.

Nothing happens Monday through Thursday.

We all know Marlena's the killer.

Let's just sell these things and go home.

I don't want to be known as the pill guy.

Relax, you're not the pill guy.

Hey, it's the pill guy.

Smitty, keep it down.

Red, can you get me any diet pills?

My wife's having trouble getting into the house.

Through the garage.

You think your wife is big?

My wife just took a job at the movie theater.

As the screen.

Hey, guys.

Did you come here to tell jokes or do business?

The way I see it, you guys got a condition, we got the product.

So quit yanking my crank, and let's do this, huh?

So is there someplace that we could talk a little more private?

Certainly.

Step into my office.

Okay, this is what I've been thinking.

You give us the rest of the pills, and we give you two cases of beer, plus a couple of passes to our Friday night Bingo marathon and Medicare seminar.

What kind of deal is that?

I come down here, sit in the sauna with you half-naked, and this is what you offer me?

Come on, Red, let's hit the nursing homes.

Whoa, whoa, settle down, kid.

We're all friends here. Let's work something out before we say things we don't mean and someone winds up dead.

Just kidding. Let's order a pizza.

I just want to get this over with.

So, Steven, shut up.

Cal, I'm gonna sell you those pills at cost.

And, Smitty, for the last time, close your damn legs.

I can't believe Fez likes me.

I mean, you guys, this is everything I ever dreamed of.

Having said that, I'm really glad my racist father isn't here to see us together.

Oh, good. You're all here.

I have some big news to tell you.

Unless it's that you're gay, I don't want to hear it.

Shut up, Bjorn Borg.

Well, Fez? What is it?

Well, I finally figured out the one woman for me.

As a matter of fact, she is here right now.

Oh, my God.

Hi, guys!

Caroline! Caroline!

I haven't seen you since you tried to kill us.

I just couldn't believe it when Fez called.

It was so nice to hear a familiar voice.

Oh, you mean coming from outside your head?

Okay, the old me would've ripped out your eyeballs and hung them from my rear-view mirror like dice.

But the new me just smiles and slaps the anger away.

How sexy is that?

Uh, Fez, you said you were a one-woman guy.

Caroline's got, like, eight personalities.

You'll go to bed with her one night, and wake up the next morning with, like, an 82-year-old Portuguese fisherman.

Hey, Caroline accepts me for who I am, so I'm gonna accept her for who they are.

Fez, the last time you dated Caroline, she chased you around the room with a corkscrew.

It's called foreplay, jerk.

Yeah, nothing spices up the bedroom like a crazy woman who might suffocate you in your sleep with a pillow.

Donna, we were role-playing.

She was a sexy nurse and I was the guy she was trying to kill.

Red, do you need anything from the supermarket?

Yeah.

Graham Crackers that don't taste like cardboard.

I fought in two wars.

I deserve name-brand cookies.

Well, those are name-brand.

Look at the box, there's the Kubler Dwarves.

I can't believe we're out of plastic baggies already.

I swear I just bought a box.

Well, maybe you misplaced them.

You know, you're always losing things.

Like aluminum foil.

Remember that time you lost the aluminum foil?

I sure do.

Hello?

Hello?

Is anybody there?

That's the third hang-up today.

Oh, and this afternoon, someone called and asked me if I had "the stuff."

Wait a second.

I saw a 60 Minutes piece on this the other day.

Missing baggies, mysterious phone calls. I know what's going on.

Kitty, I can explain. Steven's selling drugs.

Yes, he is.

Wow.

She's really putting away that pizza.

The last time I saw her this upset was when Reverend Brown told her that ugly people go to heaven, too.

So, Jackie, can I get a slice of that?

No!

Okay. I was only asking because it's mine.

Jackie, look.

Fez and Caroline are never going to last.

Hi, guys.

Well, that was just bad timing.

Why are you wearing a wedding dress?

Oh, my God.

Did Fez propose to you?

Not yet, but he will.

And I wanted to show him what I look like.

Oh, but you know, I was hoping he'd be here, 'cause I gotta get this back to the store before they realize I climbed out the dressing room window.

Don't worry. I'm sure they'll just knock off 10% and put it on the rack marked "Previously worn by psychos."

You have a sharp tongue.

It would taste great in a salad.

I can't believe Fez chose that whack job over me.

Jackie, the only reason Fez chose Caroline over you is because he has no idea that you like him.

Yeah? Well, whose fault's that, Donna?

Yours.

Oh, well, thank you for kicking me while I'm down.

You know, Jackie, if you worked as hard at getting Fez as you are at polishing off my pizza, you'd be pushing a little bilingual baby through the park right now.

Steven, how could you?

Just a product of my environment.

Wait, what are you talking about?

We know you've been selling drugs out of the house.

This is the worst thing you have ever done.

You have turned my living room into East St. Louis.

So, please, just admit what you're doing.

It'll be better for everybody.

I'm not admitting to anything.

Although if I were selling drugs, it's probably 'cause I don't have a new 19-inch TV to keep me off the streets.

What?

Steven, we do not reward this kind of behavior.

Right, Red?

Right.

A 13-inch TV should do the trick.

Why are you even discussing this?

If ever there were a time for your foot to be ankle-deep in someone's bottom, it's now!

Red, those pills sold like hotcakes.

We came by to give you your cut.

This is not a good time, guys.

Red Forman, have you been selling your heart medication?

Yeah. They've done wonders for me in the bedroom.

I'm asleep before my wife comes in.

I can't believe this.

I could take care of your problem here, Red.

No questions asked.

I'm kidding. We should all have dinner sometime.

Yeah, well, thanks for coming by, guys. Sure.

Red?

Look, I know what I did was wrong.

But don't you even want to know what I was going to do with the money? I don't care.

I was going to take you on a vacation to the Wisconsin Dells.

Oh, my God, I feel like a Kennedy!

Oh, and the Dells are three counties away.

We're going to have to take the Interstate.

Well, that worked out pretty good.

You're going to the Dells, I'm getting a new TV.

Yeah.

And you're going to love watching that new show called Blow It Out Your Ass.

Hey, uh, Fez, we need to talk.

Okay, fine.

I used your deodorant because I wanted to see if it was strong enough for a man.

By the way, it wasn't.

Fez, you see, when I heard you were ready to be with one woman, I got really excited.

But that's because I thought you were talking about someone else.

Who?

Fez!

Um, I can explain.

Go ahead.

Um, her tongue was in my mouth and then you walked in.

You cheating bastard.

Oh...

Why do you make me do this to you?

Not in the face!

Ow! Okay, the face! The face!

So, how are you feeling?

Not so good.

My face is freezing.

I'm really sorry this happened, but you're actually lucky that she's gone.

Jackie, what was that kiss all about?

Okay, Fez, it's something that I've wanted to do for a really long time.

And I was wondering, you know, hoping that maybe you and I could be together.

You want to be with me?

Yeah.

I mean, Fez, my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.

Oh. So you want me because you're lonely?

Great, so that makes me what, your last resort?

No. Fez, you're wrong. It's not...

You know what, Jackie? Forget it.

You've already been with Kelso and Hyde.

I don't want to be your sloppy thirds.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

I ran across some more of those heart pills.

Well, actually, we have all we need.

Oh. Really?

Sure would be a shame if you ran out just when you needed them.

Like, say you're driving your car, and all of a sudden, you find out your brake lines have been cut.

Who would do that?

I don't know. Maybe a guy who knows a guy.

But hey, if you guys don't need them, you don't need them.

Drive safe. I'll take 20 pills.

That's what I like to hear.

You did the right thing.