That '70s Show S8E2 Script

Somebody to Love (2005)

Oh, my God, what did I do?

You married a Las Vegas stripper.

Congratulations.

With Eric gone, you're the town dumb ass.

Steven, how could you get married and not remember?

It's not like forgetting where you left your keys, or where you parked your car, or...

Your 10th anniversary.

I don't know what happened.

I mean, Samantha and I hung out for three weeks, and then one night we got really drunk, and I remember waking up with a killer hangover thinking I better get out of Vegas before I do something stupid.

So close!

Here are some pictures of our wedding.

We found this beautiful little chapel called Weddings and Waffles.

Wow, that must have been some wedding.

It's not too often that you see the bride jump out of her own cake.

Oh, man, it's starting to come back to me.

I remember seeing a cross and an altar.

But I thought I was having that Exorcist dream again.

Where's the stripper?

There she is! There's a stripper in the kitchen!

Am I yelling? I can't help it!

Oh, Hyde, you married a stripper! I love you so much, man!

You must be Kelso. I'm Samantha Hyde.

Oh, my God, you took my name?

Oh, Steven, you look like you're about to throw up.

Here, use Eric's "whoopsie" basin.

Aim for the Snoopy.

I gotta get out of here. I'm gonna go to the record store.

Whoa, Hyde, you're, like, freaking out, man.

You married a stripper! You're living every guy's dream!

Well, not my dream, my dream's always the same.

A monkey gives me the finger and flaps his lips at me and takes off with my clothes.

Trust me, you don't wanna live that dream.

What's the store doing closed in the middle of the day?

Maybe it's Rosh Hashanah.

Hey, dudes, pull up a pillow.

Leo, what the hell did you do with my record store?

Record store?

You know, now that you mention it, this place would make an awesome record store.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street

j& The same old thing

j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

I left you in charge and you turned my store into a hippie den for your stoner friends?

That's not true, man. I don't know any of these people.

Leo, I am not in the mood for this today.

Just get these people out of here, all right? I'll be in my office.

Leo, there's an orgy in my office!

I can't tell the boys from the girls, it's hair everywhere!

Man. This is no way to spend Rosh Hashanah.

I can't believe Hyde.

I mean, he completely broke Jackie's heart. Who just goes and marries a stripper?

What are you, dense?

Anybody who can, that's who.

Okay, get dressed. We're going out. But it doesn't really matter what you wear, because everyone's gonna be looking at me.

But don't wear that.

Whoa, Jackie. After everything you've been through with Hyde, you come here and insult me?

You're all better!

Well, I am not gonna sit around moping.

I'm gonna do what every woman does when they hit rock bottom.

You're going to have sex with me?

No.

I'm going to go out and meet some boys, and crush their hearts one by one.

You know, Donna, Eric is in Africa. You must be close to hitting rock bottom.

Not really.

How long does a boy have to wait before one of you floozies hits rock bottom?

Oh, Samantha. You're painting your toes in the kitchen.

That's funny because I was just making meatloaf in the bathroom.

Sorry. Hyde told me how much he likes painted toes.

He told me some other things he liked, but I said, "Hey, I'm a stripper, not a contortionist."

Well, isn't that just more than a mother wants to hear.

Okay, so, I'm curious.

What is your act like? Do you sing?

No, I just dance.

Oh. Well, when I was younger, I took tap. Do you do tap?

No. But funny you should mention it, I strip to Taps.

You mean the song they play when an army man dies?

Yeah. It's my tribute to our armed forces.

I wave the American flag, and then, for the big finish, I give a salute, and then I smack my fanny.

Sorry, I...

No, I'm sorry. This thing has a mind of its own.

Red, I'm not sure how I feel about having a stripper stay in our home.

It's... What's the word? An abomination!

I don't think Steven even knew what he was doing when he married her.

It sounds like he was as schnockered as you were on St. Patrick's Day.

Okay, well, that green punch sneaks right up on you.

I think Steven has made a huge mistake.

But what are we gonna do? Kick Sam out?

Oh, we will do no such thing.

You will.

Oh, fine. But the next time you hit a deer, you're the one putting it out of its misery with a tire iron.

Well, well, another day in the life of a Point Place police officer.

I just confiscated a whole box of lighters, paraphernalia and illegal substances.

Nice work, Officer.

Ah, we're hooked up for two months.

So, what do we do now?

Man, I think I'm gonna have to fire Leo. He almost put me out of business.

I just wish there was a good way to do it.

This is definitely gooder.

"Gooder?"

Yeah, that's a word.

Leo, I left you in charge of the store and you let me down, man.

So, I'm sorry to have to say...

You're fired, man!

I think the word you're looking for is "fried," man.

And I am.

No, no, man, I mean you're fired!

That's even funnier, man.

And I totally deserve it.

Yeah, and you're under arrest, too.

What?

No, I'm just kidding. These handcuffs don't even work. Look.

Wait, these are the ones that do work.

Hey, I saw this "Help Wanted" sign outside. Are you still looking?

Uh...

Leo, were you trying to hire somebody?

No. Yesterday, I was having a hard time opening up a jar of pickles, so I put the "Help Wanted" sign up.

You're too late, man, I found something else to eat.

Why do they make the lid so tight? It's just pickles!

So you're not hiring?

That's a bummer. 'Cause I gotta say, if this is your idea of a staff meeting, I'd work my butt off!

What the hell, man, I'm in a giving mood right now.

You can have the job and do all the work that Leo wasn't doing.

And, Leo, I can't fire you, man. You're too awesome.

New guy, you're hired. Leo, you're not fired. Jobs for everyone!

Well, that was hard, but it had to be done.

Whoa, Jackie, that is quite an outfit.

Does it come with a pimp?

Donna, this is my man-catcher dress.

It's scientifically designed to make men want me while at the same time knowing they could never really have me.

Oh, everyone loves a tease.

Oh, he's cute and smiling.

I'm gonna go make him wish he was dead.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, I'm available.

But not to you! Ha! Burn!

Oh, my God, that was so much fun. I wanna do another one.

Actually, I just wanted to know your hot blond friend's name.

Oh, I don't have a hot blond friend.

I'm just here with Fez and Donna.

Donna? Thanks. Wait, wait. What? You like Donna?

She reads books for fun!

Hi, I'm Mark.

Wow, you have one of the prettiest smiles I've ever seen.

Oh, thank you.

Well, the secret is to brush with baking soda.

Actually, I was talking to Donna. Wow, you are just gorgeous.

Really? Yeah.

You know, Donna means "lady" in Italian and belladonna means "fine lady" and you... You are definitely one fine lady.

What's Italian for "keep going"?

Wanna play a little pool?

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't. I have a boyfriend.

He's in Africa.

Well, he is just missing out on how beautiful you look.

Italian.

Can you believe that?

Ah, don't worry. You still got me.

Hi, I'm Kim. Dance with me.

So long, lame-o!

Hey, Samantha, you should have seen your dopey husband today.

He was supposed to fire Leo, but then he wussed out and hired a new guy, too.

It's like the time I went to break up with this chick, and I ended up doing it with her and her mom.

I understand why you couldn't fire anyone.

On the outside you're rough and cynical, but underneath it all, you're just a sweet, curly-haired boy who likes to be tickled.

Really?

Kelso, if you try to tickle me, I swear to God, I'll rip off your arm and tickle the bloody hole with your own hand.

You'll figure out what to do, honey, you have great instincts.

You have a great butt, too, but that's a whole other thing.

She is awesome.

Hey, Sam, let me ask you a question about being a stripper.

Can I see your boobs?

Oh, Samantha. You're here.

Did Red talk to you, by any chance?

Mr. Forman? No. Why?

Oh. Well, um...

What's that? Be right there, Eric!

Then my psychiatrist said the reason I always want sex is because I never got approval from my parents, so I'm trying to find it somewhere else.

Do you think he's right?

Dear God, I hope so.

Who does that guy think he is, rejecting me like that?

I am the hottest girl here. Right, Fez?

Hey, you! Mark, is it? Yeah.

I don't know where you're from, but I'll have you know, I am the catch of Point Place.

That's true. That's how she signed my yearbook.

Hey, come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart!

I am adorable, I am engaging, and I'm damn likeable!

And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you.

'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.

Jackie!

What the hell's a "boobs out"?

Okay, your turn.

Ah, Samantha, there you are. Good.

Hi, Mr. Forman. I was just unpacking.

Aren't these cute?

I mean, you can't tell like this.

You have to picture them like this.

Plus they hold dollar bills in place better than anything I own.

I'm going upstairs to find you a wallet!

Hey, Randy, come here. I gotta talk to you.

Yeah, sure, but check this out first. See these guys over there?

They think Leo is an Allman Brother.

Why would they think that? I told them!

Whoa, Leo is an Allman Brother?

No, man. We were overstocked with Allman Brothers albums.

So I figured meeting one of the guys from the band would put people in a buying mood.

And it totally worked!

And Leo's up for this?

Oh, he has no idea what's going on.

I mean, at all. He's really out of it.

You know, now that you mention it, if we give him a hat and some sunglasses, we could probably use him to move some ZZ Top.

Yeah. Your friend here might be pretty enough to pass off as Cher.

Yeah.

That's not a bad idea, Andy Gibb.

So what did you want to talk to me about?

Oh.

Well, I guess I just wanted to congratulate you on your new job here at the record store.

I name you senior vice president in charge of scams.

All right, man!

Man, I can't fire Leo. He's like a father to me.

Well, like a friend.

Well, he's like a guy who's always got a lighter.

Whoa. So if you're not gonna fire Randy, and you're not gonna fire Leo, I got a question.

Can I see your wife's boobs?

Hey, guys, guess what?

One of the Allman Brothers is here.

This new guy Randy is awesome. Today he was looking over the records, and he figured out it would be easier to find things if we just alphabetized them.

Hey, do you know what you were doing just now?

No, what?

Telling your wife about your day. Pretty cool, huh?

Didn't suck.

Oh, good. You're both here.

We want to talk to you about your marriage.

Steven, I've come to think of you as a son, and so I want to give you some honest, heartfelt advice.

Get your head out of your ass.

You two barely know each other.

Not to mention the fact that I saw a TV movie where someone like you moved in and killed the whole family.

Steven, honey, if this isn't what you want, you should say so now.

Yeah, you should.

Hyde, if you don't want me here, I'll pack up my things and leave tonight.

No, man, it's cool.

Okay, then.

Oh, she's staying.

Well, I guess I'll go set an extra place at the table for stripper...

Supper!

You're never gonna believe this. I drove here this way.

Jackie, will you please come out? I don't even think anyone saw you.

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry about my friend, she's a little prudish.

And not as free with her body as I hope you will be.

Ready to go, baby?

Hey, buddy, the only guy she is leaving with is me.

Unless you just wanna do it in the bathroom, then we can leave separately.

Fez, there's something I need to tell you.

Mark and I are married.

What?

Yeah, we come here every weekend, watch each other hit on strangers.

It makes for some ultra hot action when we get back home.

Wait, yeah, Eric and I tried that once. I got three phone numbers and he got the high score on Space Invaders.

Wait, you do this every weekend? You shower some poor loser with affection and then toss him aside when you're done?

Yeah.

See you next weekend.

Well, I gotta say, Sam is pretty cool.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yesterday for no reason at all, she grabbed a beer out of the fridge and just, like, gave it to me.

I mean, what's that all about?

Maybe that's what husbands and wives do for each other?

Craziest damn thing I ever saw.

Uh, Steven, I just wanna let you know that we're through.

If you're gonna go off and marry someone you don't even know, then we can't be together anymore.

Okay. Well, I guess you always have Kelso to fall back on.

Or Fez.

Hey, what? Did I hear my name?

Are Jackie and I going to do it? Can somebody tell me what's going on?

Steven, I have been so stupid for so long.

I tried to force Michael to marry me, I tried to force you to marry me.

And last night, I threw myself at some unavailable creep I didn't even like.

Well, now you've hit a new low.

Throwing yourself at some guy on Rosh Hashanah.

So you know what? I am done making an ass of myself for you.

Or any other guys.

In fact, I'm done with guys completely.

Hear that, Hyde?

We screwed her up so bad she's switching to chicks!

How awesome are we!

So I was thinking about you all week, and how cute and flustered you looked when I kissed you.

I really liked that.

Yes, me, too.

You know what, this is too creepy. Even for me.

Enjoy your sick lives together.

No, sorry about that, I don't even know what that was about.

Where were we?