That '70s Show S8E20 Script

Leaving Home Ain't Easy (2006)

Fez.

I didn't say anything when you started spying on Donna.

I kept my mouth shut when you hid in the dirty towel bin to peep on the cheerleaders, but if you're getting your jollies listening to people go potty, I'm calling a doctor.

Shh.

I'm trying to hear if Jackie's okay.

She's been in the bathroom for hours, crying.

Oh, my God. You had sex with her.

No, she told me she wanted to be my girlfriend and I turned her down.

What? Why? Because she didn't mean it.

She never wanted me before.

And now that she's desperate, suddenly I'm the guy for her.

But as soon as she's happy, she'll dump me.

So I told her to get lost and now she's in tears.

Well, what kind of crying is it?

Is it like "My life is over" kind of crying or hysterical sobbing like the time Kelso sat on his nads?

No, it's bad. I tried everything to get her out. I yelled, "Fire!"

I made monkey-noises and said, "Wow, that's a gigantic monkey."

But no luck.

She must be a complete wreck. Oh, hey, guys!

Oh. She's perfectly fine. So you definitely didn't have sex with her.

Jackie, you're okay? Oh, no. No, I'm not okay.

I just decided being sad is a waste of time.

Yeah, see a more productive use of my time is revenge.

So get ready.

Because I am going to rain doom down on your stupid foreign head!

That didn't seem so bad, Fez. I wouldn't worry about it.

You wouldn't? No.

That's because I'm safe.

You should be friggin' terrified.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street

j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey, hey!

Just got back from Florida. Want to see my tan lines?

Oh, for gosh sakes, Bob.

Joke's on you. I don't got no tan lines. Whoo-hoo!

You were in Florida?

Yeah, I was gone for three weeks. You didn't notice?

I just figured my migraine medicine was working.

Boy, it was beautiful down there.

The ocean, the sunshine, and Disneyworld is a great place to pick up single moms.

In fact, I like Florida so much, I'm selling the house and I'm moving there.

You're selling your house? What if someone annoying moves in?

I bought a condo. And get ready for this, I'm gonna open a bait shop.

What a great idea.

That way, when the hundreds of other bait shops down there run out of stock, there you'll be.

So you think I'm stupid because I want to open a bait shop?

No, of course not.

I think you want to open a bait shop because you're stupid.

Well, I didn't come in here to be ridiculed.

Then you shouldn't have worn that shirt.

Red, you need to go over there and apologize to Bob.

He came here all excited about his idea and you just made him feel bad about himself.

Yeah, he never saw it coming.

So did you get Jackie back for flushing your toothbrush down the toilet?

No. Only four out of five dentists recommend brushing so I just go to the other guy.

How about for microwaving your hand lotion?

No, the heat feels nice on my...

...hands.

Well, what are you gonna do to her for ripping all the buttons off your shirt?

Thank her. I look fabulous!

Man, what is wrong with you?

She tore your shirt for easy access.

When Jackie gets angry, she goes straight for the nipple.

Hyde, I turned her down. She has every right to be angry.

But the worst of it is over, so I'm gonna let bygones be bygones.

Fez, let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Jackie.

She destroyed everything in her path because she was Satan's child.

The end.

Ah, I see your point.

Wait, what's your point?

My point is, she's evil, man. You gotta get back at her.

You gotta fight fire with fire.

Now you're suggesting I set her on fire? What has happened to you?

I'm just saying every time Jackie hurts you, you gotta hurt her worse.

I don't know, that sounds like a senseless cycle of violence.

Yeah. That's the best and funniest kind.

Look, this whole thing will blow over once I talk to her about everything.

Holy crap!

My car! Jackie ruined my car!

And you don't have insurance.

Good one, Jackie.

And look what she wrote on the side. Fez, has a tiny...

I do not!

It's perfectly normal, based on all the other ones I've seen.

I only look for comparison.

If Jackie wants war, I'll give her war.

Whatever you say, tiny.

If it's so small, why would I name it Big John?

Dad, I don't want to move to Florida. Sure you do.

No, I don't!

Come on, who doesn't want to move to Florida?

Me!

Oh. Well, geez, you should have said that before I put the house on the market.

You put the house on the market?

Relax, honey, I can always take it off.

You can? No, it sold this morning.

Well, look who it is. Come over to insult me again?

I don't know, maybe take another cheap shot at my outfit?

Okay. There is nothing wrong with your outfits.

Red thinks they're tacky but I've explained to him that you're just Italian.

Anyway, Red has something he'd like to say to you. Go ahead.

Bob, I'm sorry that I said that your idea is stupid.

And? And...

The next time you have a stupid idea, I'll just keep my mouth shut.

You know what, Red?

I really don't give a damn what you think.

All these years I'd have to put up with you cutting me down, calling me dumb ass. Well, guess what? You're the dumb ass!

You're nothing but a cranky who thinks his don't stink, so you can blow it out your ass!

What? What, you want to hit me? Go ahead, you bald.

Yeah, go ahead, do it! I'm not afraid of you.

In fact, I'll kick your bony ass right now!

Bob, you've got some nerve!

Good for you!

It's about time you stuck up for yourself and acted like a man.

I'm sorry, Red, it just slipped out!

I'm so sorry, Fez. I was just outside and I read that you have a tiny...

Shut it!

Fez, you gotta do something, man.

Because Jackie's just getting started.

When she gets mad, she is like a revenge machine.

She will destroy you because she can.

Get out, man! I gotta get out! I gotta get out!

Huh, flashback.

Vandalizing your car, man? That's disturbed.

I mean that car is the only thing that defines you as a man.

You know, because you have such a tiny...

Enough!

I gotta get back at her. Oh, I know! I'll break her TV.

Ah, but then I'll just miss Gilligan.

If you're gonna retaliate, you need to hit Jackie where it hurts.

Ah, like in the face?

No! What does Jackie love the most?

Herself. All she cares about is her looks.

You're exactly right. I'm gonna buy some bleach and some razor blades and after I do my laundry and shave, I'll think of what to do to Jackie.

You guys are never going to believe this.

My dad is moving to Florida.

Florida is nice. My mom spent three years down there.

Supposed to be five, but she got time off for good behavior.

I've got no place to live. What am I gonna do?

Why don't you move in with me?

Donna? Randy asked you a question.

And I for one am giddy with anticipation to hear the answer.

I just meant, we're dating and I've got the room and if you got homesick I could walk around naked with my robe open like your Dad.

I don't know, I mean I never really thought about moving in.

I mean, we hardly...

Well, I do need a place to live.

But you don't want me invading.

Well, we do watch the same shows.

What the hell, sure.

Then, "What the hell, sure," it is!

Jackie's about to get out of the bathroom.

Wait until you see what I did to her.

Fez, if this is the Ex-Lax prank, I'd rather hear about it then see it.

No, it's better.

And she's turning the shower off.

She's getting out.

Looks at herself in the mirror and...

Fez!

Ho, ho, ho, Green Jackie!

Fez, you completely ruined my hair! You destroyed my car!

I had every right to destroy your car, you turned me down!

You turned me down like a million times and I never did anything!

Actually, I remember a lot of crying.

Yes, I cried. Because I have feelings.

Unlike you, Jackie.

Oh!

I have feelings. And they told me to buy a bottle of spray paint and tell the whole world that you have a tiny...

It's normal sized!

Well, you know what? I'm glad I turned you down.

Because, you're a mean, bitter girl.

And now you're ugly on the outside like you are ugly in the inside.

Holy crap, man, cover your nipples!

I can't believe that's what you really think of me.

Well, it is.

Okay, fine. I'll just go pack up my things and get out of your life.

Damn, man, that was harsh.

Yeah. It must have been my Jamaican Fire.

So, you're from Jamaica?

No, Jamaican Fire. It's my new cologne.

See, these blue buildings are condos and the green ones, those are cabanas.

What's that yellow building?

Oh, that's Cheez Whiz. I was reading in bed.

Wow. This design is great.

You know the way these condos are laid out, you could spend your entire life and never have to interact with your idiot neighbors.

Oh, and look at the street names.

Orange Grove Avenue, Grapefruit Lane, Pineapple Road, it's like living in a fruit salad!

Anyway, I couldn't help but notice, they got 200 brand-new beachfront homes, each with a dock, but no bait shop within five miles.

You can fish of your own pier? Uh-huh.

That means you don't have to get your lines tangled up with some dumb ass who doesn't know what they're doing.

You're the one who invited me.

Ah, you guys should move down there, too.

Red! Red, you could run the bait shop with me.

Ah, I don't think so, Bob.

Kitty and I aren't ready to leave Point Place.

Okay, then. While I'm sitting pretty there on Orange Grove Avenue, you guys can enjoy the drive past Slaughterhouse Way.

Well, that's not fair, Bob.

It's only named that because that way leads to the slaughterhouse.

I think you're really gonna like living here.

So let's take the tour shall we?

This area over here with the underpants is the laundry annexe.

Oh, over here is the gym. Membership included.

And through that door is the bathroom/library, although currently all we have to read is a Sports Illustrated and a bottle of Prell.

You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just weird, you know.

Moving in with someone. But great. Weird, but great.

You know, like midgets.

There's nothing to worry about.

Oh, and the closet's really full, but you can just hang anything you want on the drum kit.

I was gonna use it, but you know... Impulse buy.

Seriously, you okay with this?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine.

Then here you go, I made you a key.

Put your name on the mailbox. So I guess we are officially living together.

Uh-huh.

Nice. Hey, there he is.

Donna, this is Pickles. Pickles, meet Donna.

She's your new mommy.

Hi, Mommy.

Yeah, um, I gotta go.

Chick magnet, my ass.

Wow, man. The stuff you said to Jackie...

So mean and hurtful.

I only wish I'd said it myself.

Well, I'm glad she's gone.

I've never felt so happy about anything in my life.

What did I do?

Jackie was in love with me and I let her go.

And now all I have is an empty apartment and the scent of her perfume on my boxers where I sprayed it.

Don't worry, man. You're doing the right thing.

I know you want to run after her, but as your friend, I'm not gonna let you.

Jackie, I'm coming!

Huh, he called my bluff.

That Bob and his crazy ideas. We can never move to Florida.

Well, it's easy for him to do. But we have real ties here.

I'm three piggy stamps away from a free ham at the supermarket.

And I've got responsibilities. Spring's coming up.

Who's gonna poison the new batch of squirrels?

Let's move to Florida.

You really want to?

Do you? If you do.

I do. Me, too.

Then let's do it. Oh-ho-ho, Red!

I am so excited. There is so much to do in Florida, it'll be such an adventure!

No, I just wanna go down there and kind of sit around till we die.

Donna, come on. Just tell me why you left.

I don't know, it all hit me at once. I just, like, needed some air.

Well, if Pickles saying, "Hi, Mommy" freaked you out, I'll let you in on a little secret. That was actually me.

No, it's just this whole Florida thing's like really freaking me out.

When you asked me to move in, it seemed like the right thing to do but, when I got there I started to realize that I'm just doing it

'cause I'm too afraid to start my life.

I used to have, like, plans.

What'd you wanna do?

Go to college.

I got accepted at Madison last year so...

I don't know, I think it's time I finally go.

That's cool. It's only a few hours away, we can totally make that work.

No, you don't understand.

This...

This just isn't what I want.

Oh.

So that's it for us?

I'm really sorry.

Me, too.

Kind of sucks.

Hey, Donna. Check out my new Speedo for Florida.

Dad, why can't you just buy a regular bathing suit?

No, those make me look silly.

Jackie, there you are. What do you want, Fez?

I ran all the way here to find you.

My car is in the shop.

And you'll be glad to hear that they are changing the word tiny to large.

Look, I don't care about any of this. Jackie, wait!

Look, I didn't mean all those horrible things I said.

You're not ugly, you're beautiful.

Even if you dumped me after a week, it'd be the best week of my life.

I just want to be with you.

Fez, you really, really hurt me.

And I thought you were the one person who would never speak to me like that.

You know, you're not the guy I thought you were and I don't think I could ever be with you.

But, Jackie... No. Goodbye, Fez.

Oh, Mr. Forman, thank God you're here.

I just had my heart broken and I really need someone to talk to.

Bob, for the last time, you can't call our bait shop "Jail Bait."

Fine! How about "Hookers"?

You know, because you put the bait on the hook.

No.

Okay, you got something better?

"Red and Bob's Bait Shop."

I like it. It's simple, to the point and I think it will fit on a Speedo.

Bob, you put my name on your crotch, I'll kill you.