That '70s Show S8E3 Script

You're My Best Friend (2005)

I still can't believe our little Hyde went off and married a Las Vegas stripper.

Yeah. Now we have to get him a present.

What says, "Congratulations on your wedding, I want to nail your wife"?

Oh, we should get him one of those big electric knives!

Those suckers will cut right through your hand.

Can I help you?

Leo, it's me, Randy. I got hired last week? We drove in together?

Oh, yeah, Frankie!

Randy!

No, it's Leo.

Hey, Sam, this is Randy.

Randy, this is my wife Samantha.

Wife? I didn't know you were married.

Yep, they said it wouldn't last, but we're going on six days now.

Hey, we've got to throw you a killer bachelor party!

No, absolutely not.

If I want to spend money on a stripper, I'll take Samantha shopping.

Hey, I hope you guys are comfortable getting turned on in front of each other.

Yeah, okay. I don't mind, I guess.

Great! 'Cause we are throwing Hyde a bachelor party!

Bachelor party? That is awesome!

Okay, the first guy that throws up has to pay for everything!

No, wait, that's always me.

Uh, okay, the second guy... Ah, that's me, too.

Awesome! I'm paying!

All right, Fez, you, find a place, Kelso you buy the beer, and Leo, you're in charge of the adult entertainment.

Okay, man. But I haven't stripped since I was at Chippendales.

You were not at Chippendales.

Oh, right. I stripped in Bloomingdale's.

I used to be really kinda out of it.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin!

Ah.

Bad news, Kelso, we can't have the bachelor party at our place.

Our landlord said he'll evict us if we have any more crazy parties.

How was I supposed to know that racoon had rabies?

Why don't we have the party here?

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

I just have one question. Who the hell are you?

I'm Randy, I work at Hyde's record store.

Go to college part-time. Manage bands.

If you name a city, I can tell you the time zone.

Boise. Mountain.

Impressive.

Okay, Kelso, you'll be in charge of getting rid of the Forman's.

That'll be easy.

Without starting a fire.

Why don't you just handcuff me and throw me in a well, Donna!

Uh, okay, Mrs. Forman is a woman, which means that she used to be a chick.

So therefore, I will just play on her insecurities.

Kelso, I really doubt you can pull that off.

Sure, I can, Mr. You're-Never-Gonna-Lose- Those-Love-Handles.

I stand corrected.

Okay, now, the best thing about a bachelor party is tricking the guy into thinking something bad is gonna happen and then taking him someplace great!

I thought the best thing was making women who normally hate you pretend to like you because you have a dollar.

What a wonderful tradition.

So what we need is a crazy way to get Hyde here without him expecting anything.

Wait a minute, I'm a cop!

Yeah! Me and Fez will be in the El Camino with Hyde, you pull us over, arrest us and bring us to the party in a police car!

No! I left my gun at the playground!

Hey, Donna! Sorry I'm late.

I didn't want to come over till all my other options for tonight fell through.

Good to see you, too, Jackie.

I just figured since the guys are throwing a party for Hyde that we should have our own girls' night.

Well, as long as it isn't a pity party.

Because I am completely over Steven.

God, I can't wait till we can sit around and trash that skanky stripper he married.

Donna, why does all the food in the kitchen have a "Property of Bob" sticker on it?

Oh, hi, Jackie!

I can't believe you invited the whore!

Who are you calling a whore?

Well, I only see one whore here.

Girls' night. Yeah!

Hi there, Miss Kitty!

Oh, hi, boys!

Hey. So, Saturday night, you and that husband of yours got any big plans?

Well we sure do.

First he's taking me on The Love Boat and then he is taking me to Fantasy Island.

Ze plane, ze plane!

I love that guy, he is so little.

So you're staying home again. Sounds to me like your marriage is dead.

What? Our marriage is fine.

Oh, please!

Red's got you working harder than a hot dog salesman at a fat guy convention.

You know, when was the last time that Red took you out for a night on the town?

Well, a couple of weeks ago he took me to the movies and then when it was over he came back and he picked me up.

Mrs. Forman, Red needs to take you out tonight.

On a real date, that lasts at least, what, three, three-and-a-half hours?

You know what? You're right.

Kitty! What's for supper?

Well, that's up to the chef at Frenchies.

We're going out tonight and I'm getting the most expensive thing on the menu.

The six-dollar steak?

Kitty, we're in a recession!

Boy, Red, that woman is testy.

Stay out of it, chubby.

I'm retaining water!

Fez, I'm sick of driving you around just because your belly has got the rumblies!

Hey, there is Kelso's cop car.

Let the party begin.

What?

Step on it, grandma!

What are you doing, man? Get off my foot!

This is unbelievable!

Ah, man, just what we needed, getting pulled over by a cop.

Yeah, this is gonna ruin the whole evening.

License and registration.

Surprise, Hyde! Who the hell is that?

Get out of the car, sir.

Uh, Fez.

I know you said all us white people look the same, but that is not Kelso.

Oh, I know what is going on here.

If Kelso pulls us over, then Hyde will be suspicious.

So he sent another cop to make the joke more realistic.

Oh, Kelso, you beautiful genius.

Nice job, Fez, you just got me a ticket.

Ah, starting off slow with a ticket, huh? Nice touch!

I'll take that.

Fez, what are you doing?

Sir, give me back that ticket before you...

Before what? It starts to snow?

Okay, that's it!

What are you gonna do, piggie? Throw us in jail?

He threw us in jail.

Fez, I don't know why you are smiling, but I promise you won't be when I sell your ass for a pack of cigarettes!

First of all, this ass is worth at least a carton.

And second of all, welcome to your bachelor party!

A bachelor party has beers and topless ladies.

This place has iron bars and a bum wearing no pants sitting on my jacket.

That is not a cushion!

Fez, I don't think this is part of the bachelor party.

They fingerprinted us!

Well I don't know. Maybe that's how the strippers know what to charge.

You know, at the end of the night, they count the fingerprints on their boobies and they know who owes what.

Dude! You are scarily optimistic!

Something clearly got messed up!

Trust me, this is all part of Kelso's plan.

I guarantee you he is on his way over here right now.

You know, the thing about being a cop is, we may look like normal people, I mean, I don't, obviously, but we have to go through rigorous training to be able to withstand any kind of mental, physical, or emotional pain.

Ah, brain freeze!

Make it stop! Make it stop!

Donna, how could you invite the stripper here?

This is supposed to be girls' night, not girls, girls, girls night.

Samantha, you'll have to excuse Jackie.

She has a speech impediment that makes everything sound bitchy.

It's okay, Donna.

This isn't the first time I've had to deal with an angry ex-girlfriend.

Or wife. Or mother. One time it was some guy's boyfriend.

That was just weird.

So, um, tell me, what are you gonna do with all your stripper money, huh?

Buy back your self esteem?

Actually, I bought a Trans-Am.

Ooh, a slut-car!

Okay, stop! Jackie, you and Samantha are gonna have to learn to how to get along.

Mostly because I don't like being the cream filling in your Oreo of bitchiness.

Oh, so what, all of a sudden your happiness is more important than mine?

You are so selfish!

No, it's just that unlike you, I don't think Samantha is the worst piece of trash to ever walk the earth.

You traitor!

Jackie! Come on!

So, what color is your Trans-Am?

Powder blue. That's freakin' awesome!

See now, wasn't it great to get out for a change?

We had a good meal, nice conversation and look, we stayed out past 9:00!

It's like New Year's Eve!

How about that dopey waiter that flambeed his tie?

Yeah, those French bastards should stick to what they're good at.

Baking bread and losing wars!

Surprise! Surprise!

What the hell?

Happy bachelor party, Steven!

Who is this?

That's my wife!

Well, she can watch, but that's extra.

I can't believe you guys got me thrown in jail.

It feels so fake, like I didn't earn it.

Guys, I'm starting to think this might not be part of the whole bachelor party plan.

Unless she is a stripper.

You know what? She might be.

Why don't you tell her to shake it?

You know, it's so nice to finally have someone on my side!

Hey, baby, why don't you rip off that phony uniform and start shaking your moneymaker?

Are you talking to me?

That's right, momma!

First of all, I'm not your momma.

And if you ever talk to me like that again, I will pull your skinny ass through these bars and find 50 new ways to use my nightstick!

I don't know if she's a stripper, but she sure knows how to turn a boy on.

Kelso! Where the hell have you been?

There was an emergency at the ice cream stand.

They hired a new girl and she's super cute.

Yeah, guys, so I'm loving spending my bachelor party in jail.

What are you guys gonna do for my birthday?

Set me on fire, push me off a cliff?

I'll take care of this.

Ah, listen, Sergeant, ah, I think there was, like, a big misunderstanding.

See, I was supposed to arrest these guys on trumped-up charges and then take 'em to a bachelor party in the police car and then we were gonna watch some strippers dance and get drunk.

But I was totally gonna be back by the end of my shift.

Isn't that hilarious?

That lady has no sense of humor.

I want all of you people out of my house, now!

Hey, we're not going anywhere until we get our money.

I got an unemployed husband to feed.

Leo, pay these women.

I don't have any money, man.

All I have is a ticket for the 1964 World's Fair.

One more year, I can't wait!

Well, I'm all out of money since big spender, here, had to get the salad bar.

Well, for heaven's sake, Red.

I'll just write the girls a check and the boys can pay us back later.

Fine. It's $100.

Well, clearly I am in the wrong profession.

Does Jackie do this a lot?

Just run off and lock herself in her room when she gets mad at you?

Huh. Not always.

Sometimes she just tells people I'm four months pregnant.

How can you be friends with her?

Well... See the thing about Jackie, is...

See, it's like...

Um...

Okay, look, here's the thing.

Jackie and I have been through a lot together.

And, well, she's my best friend.

Did you mean that Donna? Am I really your best friend?

Yeah, of course!

Hah! Stuff that up your G-string and smoke it.

Well, you might have stolen my boyfriend, but you're not gonna steal Donna.

So get out, stripper.

You get out!

Well, you get out times two!

You get out times infinity!

You get out times 10.

Okay, you both made some really good points.

But now I think we should sit down and talk like intelligent adults.

My Trans-Am is gonna be orange with wings and wheels made of fire. And when you slam on the brakes, a parachute shoots out of the back with my picture on it and I'm flippin' you off!

Donna, this party was such a good idea. You know what I love?

Watching this airhead stripper wasting away her last remaining brain cells.

You know what I love? Your old boyfriend!

Wait, I just realized something. I think I hate you!

That's so lucky, because I hate you, too!

But, I'm gonna put up with you for Donna's sake.

'Cause she doesn't have very many friends!

That's not true, Jackie. I have a ton of friends.

There's...

Oh, there's that one girl who... No!

Listen, Hyde, I'm sorry about this mess, man.

But you can't get married and not expect your buds to throw you a party.

I mean, your life is over, we gotta celebrate!

Yeah. Where were you guys gonna take me, anyway?

The Forman's.

Huh. Where I live.

Yeah, I can see why you needed an elaborate plan to get me there.

All right, since Officer Kelso is responsible for this, the rest of you are free to go.

It's not your fault your friend is a complete moron.

Well, that's true. You can't choose your friends.

Don't worry, Kelso, we're your buddies, we're not gonna leave you.

Well, I hope he gets out soon.

We only have those strippers for another half hour!

I'll see you in hell!

Let the fiesta of flesh begin!

I know!

How dare you invite strippers into my home.

The whole place smells like strawberries and baby oil.

You idiots tricked me and Kitty into going out and having a good time.

Do you know how furious that makes me?

Sir, if I could just explain.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Randy and I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

We tried to do something nice for our friend and things got really out of hand, but I apologize for any disrespect that we may have shown you.

Well, Randy, I'm impressed that something so articulate could come out of such a dumb ass!

And, you! You owe me $100!

Fine. But you better put on one hell of a show.

Why is it all in $1 bills?

Because that's how you pay strippers.

I was in the war, for God's sake!

You guys are not gonna believe this. I was fired!

I'm off the force.

Man, if only I had said I didn't want a bachelor party maybe none of this would have happened.

Oh, well.

Oh, it was humiliating.

They took my badge and they took my gun and then when I went to say goodbye to the police dog, I accidentally shot him.

There is only one thing that would cheer me up tonight.

A strip club?

You freaky little mind reader!

Let's go, I'll drive. We'll take my cop car.

Wait, you didn't have to turn that in?

They didn't even ask!

All right guys, sit back and enjoy the show.

Uh, Leo, when does the show start?

This is the show, man.

Where's the stripper?

What do we need a stripper for? We got a giant cake!