That '70s Show S8E5 Script

Stone Cold Crazy (2005)

Oh, no, don't get up, I'm just right here anyway.

I'll help you, Mrs. Forman.

Oh, no, don't you worry, Samantha.

It's just a little unbalanced because our appropriate-sized clothes are on one side and your little teeny tiny stripper clothes are on the other.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so grumpy.

I got a manicure yesterday and Red still hasn't said a darn word.

You know, if you really want him to notice you, you should get drunk and do some donuts on his lawn.

Mrs. Forman, you should change your hair.

When I went blond, Eric went nuts.

And then Fez went nuts and then I started wearing a lot of hats.

No, I can't change my hair. Red loves it. It's my trademark.

It'd be like telling Fonzie not to say, "Hey!"

Mrs. Forman, a great way to get a man's attention is to show him how smart you are.

But a faster way is to take your clothes off.

I can help you work on some moves. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, no, I don't need to see that.

It'd be like watching my mom strip.

Which, unfortunately, I saw at Take Your Son to Work Day.

No, you know what, I'll just, um...

I'll just spray on some of my special occasion perfume.

It's very expensive, but you put a little water in there, you can really make it last.

Hey, Sam. Can I ask you something?

Um, I wanted to send Eric some, you know, like, sexy pictures.

Sure, I have some 8x10s in my car.

Of me.

Anyway, um, would you mind taking them?

I'd love to! I have a great pair of thigh-high boots you can use.

Oh, I don't think we're the same size.

Oh, you're not gonna wear them, silly. You're gonna lick them!

Oh, hi, Jackie. "Hang in there, baby."

And the kitten is hanging. Funny.

So, what the hell are you doing in my apartment?

Oh, well, since Michael moved to Chicago, he let me have his room.

We're gonna be roommates!

Roommates? Hot diggity!

Think of the wacky adventures we will have.

j& We're gonna take the plunge now j& We're gonna dive right in now j& We're gonna have it all

j& We don't believe in maybe j& "Can't" is a word we'll never know j& Sometimes we'll have our struggles j& But, oh, baby, oh j& We're gonna take our chance now j& Fly by the seat of our pants now j& When we're divided, we fall j& And we're really gonna have it all

j& And we're really gonna have it all j&

Fez, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Catchy tune, though.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, Jackie, I'm off to work.

Wait, but we're roomies!

What am I supposed to do while you are gone?

Listen, when I get home, it's you and me, we'll do whatever you want.

Oh! The Wizard of Oz is on TV tonight! We can watch it and make fun of Kansas!

It's a date! I love those little munchkins.

I wish I could represent the Lollipop Guild.

Boy, there'd be some changes!

I can't believe I let you take naked pictures of me.

I don't really get that one with the G.I. Joe between your boobs, but, hey, you know Eric better than me!

Hi, sweetie. Oh, a letter for Eric. Want me to mail it for you?

No, no, no, I got it.

But I love going to the post office!

I have these funny things I say when the line is moving slow, like, "Hey, where did I park my dinosaur?"

Um, okay. But you know it's illegal to tamper with mail, right?

Yeah, but it's not illegal to complain about a slow-moving line!

Hey, can we speed it up? My pet snail is getting away!

That's good stuff, Dad.

Have a brownie, Red.

Something smells terrific.

You noticed.

Sure did!

You put peanut butter in the brownies!


Okay, stripping is all about the art of seduction.

So the first thing you wanna do is set the mood. Like with music, or candles.

Oh, oh. All I have are those trick candles, the ones you can't blow out.

They make Red furious, it's very funny.

I always start my routine by slowly removing my gloves.

I have gloves!

Feel sexy already!

You know what? Let's skip ahead.

Look your husband in the eye and go step, dip, hair, flip.

You try it!

Okay. Step, dip, hair, flip.

That's great.

For our next lesson, I'll teach you how to pick up money using everything but your hands.

Hey, Kitty! Taking Donna's letter for Eric over to the post office.

Got anything to eat? I mean mail. Oh, you know what?

Why don't you leave this with me? I have to add some things.

Like today's Marmaduke, it's a stitch!


Have a brownie, Bob.

That's what I was waiting for! Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Marmaduke, when will you ever learn?


Oh, my!

G.I. Joe?

Mrs. Forman, the washer is acting up again!

Um, okay, okay! Coming!

Where's those damn car keys?

Good Lord!

Steven, you could have fixed that!

Well, I'm off to work. So if you need me, I'll be at the Hub.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, please, no!

All right, Kitty, Kitty, don't panic. You know what to do.

Holy crap, it's Caroline!

Who is Caroline?

She went out with Fez.

But he broke up with her 'cause she's crazy.

Which is ironic, because that's probably why she went out with him in the first place.

Guys, I can't let her see me. Hide me.

Where should we hide you, Fez?


Well played, you son of a bitch. Hi!

Hi! Caroline, you look good.

Not quite so nuts.

Yeah, I'm doing much better thanks to my therapist.

And my meds. And some good old-fashioned...


But there is one thing about me that hasn't changed.

Is it that you can still spin your head all the way around?


It's that I still have a thirst for hot chocolate, you know what I mean.

I do. I still have a thirst for crazy, medicated white women.

So, uh, maybe I could come over tonight?

I mean, if there are no other women in your life, 'cause I couldn't handle that.

No, the only other women in Fez's life are in his head.

But you must know about that. You got a cast of thousands up there.

Shut up!

So, you just invited me over for some brownies in the middle of the day?


Oh, and I opened your mail and I saw your nudie pictures. Would you like some milk?


Oh, my God!

Your father gave me the letter, I just wanted to add some things.

Well, did you mail the pictures?

No, but I will as soon as I find them.


Well, don't worry, I'm sure nobody else saw them.

Hey, Kitty, have you seen the car keys? Oh, Donna.

Oh, my God, you, too?

I was looking for the damn car keys!

This drawer is for car keys and magnets, that's it.

Well, where are they now?


Holy hell!

I know, man. Where's Marmaduke?


Hey, Donna.

What is so funny?

Guess I'm just a happy guy.

Hey, it's the naked lady from the newspaper!

Okay, here it comes.

Uh, I have just one question for you.

Does my wife know you were licking her boots?

Donna, I'm writing a letter to the newspaper about your photo essay. Here's what I have so far.


Okay, just tell me where the pictures are.

Hey, not to worry. I hid them in a Barry White album.

Great. Where's that?

You'll have to ask the guy who bought it. Duh.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Fez! And Barry White.

Hey, Fez. It is almost Wizard of Oz time.

And I did my hair like Dorothy, but since there are no foreigners in Oz, I created a new character for you.

The butler.

Oh. Bad news, racist Dorothy.

Something has come up. Some unexpected doing it.

You remember Caroline?

What, with the crazy nut-job who said she was gonna scratch my eyes out?

Yes. Sweet girl.

Look, she is coming over tonight and she gets very jealous of other women so you're gonna have to leave.

Where am I supposed to go?

I don't know, just click your heels three times and get the hell out.

Fez, I am not gonna leave my own apartment.

Okay. You know, you're right. I'm being unreasonable.

Just go into your room and don't come out until morning.

And eat quiet foods only. Yogurt, marshmallows, maybe cotton candy.

But save me some, because I just love it.

I can't believe this, I mean, we made a plan to watch The Wizard of Oz.

Yes, and then I was offered sex, so, ding dong, the plan is dead!

Oh, crap, did we blow a fuse again?

Kitty? What are you doing?

Making your day, sailor.

And step, dip, hair, flip.

Kitty, watch the candles! Oh, my God. Your hair is on fire!

What? Am I out?

Wow. This is really nice.

Oh, it's been so long since I've sat and talked to a man and been able to move my own arms freely.

Whose mascara is that? Fez, is there another woman here?

What? No, no! It's... It's mine.

Yeah, lashes like this don't come naturally, baby.

Um, why don't you go to the kitchen and, um, open us a bottle of wine?

Well, my doctor says I'm not supposed to drink while I take my meds, but what he doesn't know is I didn't take my meds.

What are you doing?

Well, I have to go to the bathroom.

Well, you should have thought of that before I locked you in your room!

Fez, where is the corkscrew?

Um, it's under the sink, my dear!

Look, you are supposed to stay in your room! I even gave you quiet foods!

Yeah, okay, the yogurt you gave me expired two months ago and it's smells like vomit and peach.


Yes, baby?

I can't find... Where did you get that yogurt?

Oh, I keep yogurt all over my apartment. I love it.


Yum. That's the stuff.

So, did you find that corkscrew, honey pie?

Not yet.

Fez, I'm not like you. I don't know how to entertain myself in the dark.

Oh, here it is!

I want to watch The Wizard of Oz!

Okay, a scarecrow gets a brain, a lion gets some courage and the robot gets a heart.

You know, when I was in the kitchen, I wanted to carve our initials into my arm.

But that's what the old crazy me would have done.

So I carved them into your countertop instead.

Well, look who's all better.

Please, Leo, you have to remember who you sold that record to.

Think. Who have you seen today?

Well, I remember a guy with scraggly hair and a beard.

And he was brushing his teeth.

That was you in a mirror.

And then there's this other guy with big lips and another guy with long hair.

And another guy with a thumbtack in his head.

That would be the Aerosmith poster.

You know, I have been trapped in this vortex before.

There is a way we can jog his memory.

It was Fez, man!

Okay, Red.

You're not gonna be happy.

My stylist said there wasn't enough left up there to salvage my old hairdo, so, I'm sorry, but...

Wow! Look at you!

Do you like it?

Hubba hubba!

Really? I've been trying so hard to get you to notice me and all I had to do was set my hair on fire.

How would you like to go upstairs and let me see it in the dark?

Or we could leave the lights on.

Well, that was a nice appetizer, but I believe the main course will be served in the bedroom.

Yes. I am going to brush my teeth.

Yogurt breath. Oh.

Why don't you go in and put on some Barry White?

Where are they, you pervert?

Donna, you have to leave!

I'm not going anywhere without my pictures!

Shh! What pictures?

The naked ones of me, the ones in the Barry White record you bought.

Ah, crap.

What the hell are these?

And what is she doing here?

Will you give me those?

Fez, I thought you said you lived alone!

I do! She's just visiting! I swear!

There's no one else that lives here.

Screw this! You know what? I'm not gonna sit locked up in my room with stale marshmallows. I live here, too!

Well, that's incredibly bad timing.

Two women?

Okay. Caroline, I have to be honest with you.

Juanita and Maria Jose are my maids.

Well, then! They can clean up all of your blood!

Okay, here's how you make fruit salad.

First, let me squeeze those melons.

Oh, aren't they nice and firm?

Yes. Now grab my banana.

Oh, it's huge!

All right, you perverts, stop it right now.

Another fruit salad?

Why can't they ever be having sex?