That '70s Show S8E6 Script

Long Away (2005)

Oh, Steven, there you are.

I almost didn't recognize you without a disgusting stripper attached to your lips.

Huh? Well, I recognized you right away.

Since you walked in here alone, with no job and no boyfriend.

Oh, this sounds like fun.

Someone say something mean about me.

I don't think so, Fez.

Oh, come on, you never let me play.

Fine. You're stupid and you're fat.

That was completely uncalled for.

What is Donna doing out with Randy?

When I called her earlier today to see if she wanted to do something, she said she was staying in all day.

I mean, I was gonna blow her off at the last minute, but still.

Yeah. And yesterday when I went to spy on her from her closet, she was already out with Randy.

That guy is really cutting into my peep-time.

Do you think something is going on between Donna and Randy?

Steven, what do you think?

I have a definite opinion on this.

I don't care.

You just don't like to gossip.

Which is good, because you should hear what people say about you.

Well, if you guys are gonna act like a bunch of immature babies, go ahead.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna drive my car through some really big puddles and splash some old people.

Hey. Hi.

Where have you two been?

We went and saw Rocky II. It was awesome.

This chubby guy in the audience got all inspired and then punched out an usher.

Donna, does Eric know you took another man to the movies?

Actually, I invited her. I won tickets from a radio station.

My cousin's a DJ.

So I just called him up and told him the phrase that pays.

My mom has a picture of you and your sister in the bathtub.

But, why I wonder, did you invite Donna instead of any of us?

Is it because she is beautiful, blonde and curvy?

Actually, you know what, that's a good choice.

Fries up for Donna and Randy.

That's us.

Look at them! They're sharing fries!

I know. And did you see how fast Randy changed the subject when you mentioned Eric?

Yeah, something is definitely up.

The needle on the Hanky-Panky meter is all the way up to Panky!

You know what? I think Donna is cheating on Eric.

Oh, my God, I think you're right.

That is awful.

I can just picture that hot-blooded seductress giving it away in a sweaty moment of lust.

Oh, why do I do that to myself?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

Kitty! I just got a letter from the Point Place Veterans Association.

Our reunion is coming up.

It is so nice to have a place where everyone applauds after you say how many people you shot.

And this year is gonna be special.

You remember Larry Simmens?

The fellow who won the Bronze Star on D-Day?

Yep. The bastard finally died.

Struck by lightning.

The sucker could dodge a bullet but Mother Nature got him right in the ass.

Well, I hope someone shouted, "Fire in the hole."

And now that he's gone, I'll be the most decorated soldier there.

Which means the added respect of my peers plus enough free booze to fill Mike Kaleigh's fake leg.

You know, whenever you soldier buddies get together you have cocktails.

I should have been in the army.

Hey, look! I finally got invited to the Point Place veterans' reunion. What?

They don't invite National Guardsmen.

They didn't. But I wrote a bunch of angry letters until they changed their policy.

Well, that's just great, Bob.

Maybe if you'd written a bunch of angry letters to Hitler we could've avoided a war in the first place.

I don't think that would have worked.

That Hitler seemed like a real cranky bear.

Oh, Red, the vets needed someone to hire a photographer.

So I signed you up to find one.

Why would you do that?

Because I felt like I wasn't contributing.

You should hire Leo to be your photographer.

He's like a pro. Shot all my fake IDs.

I'm not taking a hippie down to the Veterans Hall.

They wouldn't put up with it.

The bathrooms have Jane Fonda urinal targets.

You know, Leo took some pretty great pictures of Bob and Midge when they renewed their vows.

He even got a rare one of Red smiling.

I sent it to the museum.

Well, if you wanna ask him, he's down in the basement.

What's Leo doing in my basement?

I don't know.

But, just to be safe, why don't you give it about 15 minutes before you come down?

So, Leo, Steven tells me that you're a photographer.

How much do you charge?

Not much, man. I try to pay for everything with cash.

Okay, never mind.

Come on, Red, he's really good and he works cheap.

Leo, tell him what your fee is.

A hundred bucks.

How about $75?

$50 and that's my final offer.

And if you bargain with him when you get there, you'll probably wind up making 10 bucks.

$15.

Okay, fine, you're hired.

But this is a big night for me.

So I want you to clean up and look nice.

These men are veterans. They deserve your respect.

Hey, I'm cool with veterans, man.

Anybody that can put a cast on a dog is okay by me.

Hey, if you guys see Donna, can you tell her I'm down at The Hub?

Okay, did you guys have plans?

Yeah, we were gonna hang out at her house, but I get a little uncomfortable with Bob there.

You know, most people wear underwear when they wear a robe.

Did you hear that? "Hang out."

They are going to have sex.

How does hang out mean have sex?

I can make a sexual innuendo out of anything.

Try me.

Stove.

Well, I'd like to cook something on her stove.

See? Anything!

Oh, my God, Fez, I feel really bad for Eric.

When Michael was cheating on me, I was devastated.

But eventually I learned that the saying is true.

It's better to have loved and lost than to be butt-ugly.

Oh, hey, Miss Kitty.

Hi. Okay.

We need some advice.

There is this guy whose girlfriend is cheating on him.

What do you think we should do?

Well, Red and I once had a friend named Bill Anderson and everyone thought his wife was cheating on him.

So one night, we were over there and I happened to see her purse and it happened to be open and I happened to riffle through it and I found out it was true.

So you told Bill?

No, no, no, no.

I do not like to get involved in other people's business.

But I wish I had.

Because it might have saved their marriage and I'd still be getting their Christmas cards.

Antlers on a dog, that is so precious.

Fez, I know what we need to do.

Yeah, me, too. But where are we going to find a dog with antlers?

No, Fez. We need to write Eric a letter telling him what is going on between Donna and Randy.

Yeah, then Eric is gonna come home, kick Randy's ass and then whisk Donna off to someplace sexy.

Like the garage.

What?

How is the garage sexy?

Well, I'd like to park my car in her garage.

Leo? This is an important event.

I thought I told you to clean up.

I did, man. My apartment is spotless.

You're supposed to wear a military uniform to these things.

That's why I rented this baby.

Just be ready with that camera, Leo.

And keep it pointed nice and low.

I want a lot of close-ups of all those patriotic men kissing my ass.

Hey there, soldiers.

Holy cow! Look who it is!

As you were, men.

It's Leonard.

Leonard? Who the hell is Leonard?

Hey, I'm Leonard.

Hey!

Hi there!

Hey, how do you guys know him?

We drove a supply truck together during World War II.

Leo? You're a veteran?

How come you never told me?

Well, there is a lot of things you don't know about me, man.

For instance, I'm a veteran.

It's been two weeks since we send Eric our letter.

Shouldn't he be home by now?

Well, it takes about a week to get a letter to Africa, then there is three days of Eric twitching and fidgeting.

Oh, then there is a two day hippo-ride to the airport.

So, yeah, he should be home by now.

When is Samantha coming back anyway?

Oh, she's gotta stay in Vegas for another week 'cause there's a doctors convention.

Which proves my theory that no one gets tired of seeing naked ladies.

Hey, Donna, I'm glad you're here.

Have you heard from Eric? You know, your supposed boyfriend?

Actually I haven't heard from Eric in a while.

Really?

Hey, look, Fez, it says right here some moron got punched in the arm for sticking his nose where it didn't belong.

When?

Now.

So, Donna.

I don't know, is there any relationship news you'd like to share with us?

Look, I really don't want to talk about it.

Oh! So that means, there is something to talk about?

Yeah. Spill it, girl!

Will you just drop it?

No. Not until you tell us when Eric is coming home.

What? He is not coming home.

Eric broke up with me.

Yes!

Is not what you say when you hear that news.

Did you two have something to do with Forman and Donna breaking up?

Are you suggesting...

Yeah, yes, we did.

But we never...

Actually we did that, too.

But you can also blame...

Actually there is no one else to blame.

Look, Steven, all we did was write a letter to Eric telling him that Donna was cheating on him with Randy.

What, my magic 8-ball said it was a good idea and that thing is right like, what, one out of six times which is pretty good for a ball.

If you two were puppies, I'd smack you in the nose with a magazine.

In fact...

You two idiots need to tell Donna what you did.

Are you kidding?

No, no, no, no. She'll stomp on us with her giant feet.

I do not want the last words I hear to be Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum!

Yeah. It's gonna get ugly. That's why I'm gonna come with you.

To protect us? No, to watch.

I can't believe that Leo is a veteran.

I don't know whether to like him a little more or like myself a little less.

Red, this was supposed to be your special night.

We should be the ones over there getting free drinks.

We?

I spent all my money on this costume.

So, Leo, what exactly did you do in the war?

I mean, besides just drive a supply truck.

Just drive a supply truck? Leo, did you tell them what you did?

No. It's embarrassing.

You gotta tell them.

All right. I peed on Jane Fonda.

Leo here drove his truck right into a German tank formation and rescued an entire platoon.

Really?

Didn't you get a medal for that?

Yeah. I forget what it was called, but it was shaped like a purple heart.

Damn, Leo.

I'm impressed.

From one veteran to another, I'd like to buy you a drink.

Actually I'd like to buy you a drink.

I'll take a drink.

Sorry. This round is for men who fought for Uncle Sam.

Not spent the war hiding in their Uncle Sam's house.

Hey, man, even if he didn't see action, he still deserves a drink.

All right, fine.

Bartender, one Shirley Temple!

Hey, Donna, sorry to interrupt, but Nancy Drew and Nancy-boy here have something they'd like to tell you.

That's where Fez comes in. Take it away, Fez.

You sneaky little midget.

Okay. Donna...

We are the reason why Eric broke up with you.

We wrote him a letter saying that you were cheating with Mr. Fancy Hair.

What? Oh, come on, how does he even do that?

Let me clear a couple of things up.

Donna and I are just friends and I blow dry this hair upside down.

Why would you even think that I was cheating with Randy?

Oh, they have it on the strongest authority.

A fluid-filled plastic novelty ball from Parker Brothers.

Look, the reason that we've been hanging out so much lately is because Randy was the only one I could talk to about how Eric broke up with me.

Three weeks ago.

Three weeks ago? That means...

That he broke up with you before we sent the letter.

Fez, it's not our fault!

Oh, Eric just doesn't like Donna anymore. Oh, happy day!

Why didn't you tell us?

Because I knew that if I told you guys, Fez would only hit on me,

Jackie would hurt my feelings trying to be nice and you would just shrug and go...

How can you say that? Tell me I'm wrong.

Nah.

And it's not like I went looking for Randy. I mean...

I was taking the garbage out one day.

He was playing hoops and he said, "Hey, how is it going?"

So I took the basketball, I threw it through a window and burst into tears.

I think that's when he knew that something was wrong.

I'm very astute.

And he's been really great. He listened, he brought me stuff.

Ice cream, Kleenex and bubble bath.

It's the universal break-up kit.

I read about it in Vogue.

I have five sisters.

Fine, I don't have any sisters. I read Vogue!

Donna, this must have been really hard on you.

Yeah. I can't believe Eric and Donna are through.

I always thought they'd live happily ever after, like Romeo and Juliet.

Have you ever read Romeo and Juliet?

I didn't have to finish it. It is so obvious what happens.

I'm sorry. I should have never accused you for cheating on Eric.

Yeah. And Randy, I owe you an apology.

Not just for the letter, but for letting the air out of your tires.

That's okay, man. We're even.

We are? What did you do to me?

This!

I heard that makes you pee yourself.

That's ridiculous!

This isn't over!

I'm so surprised you were in the army, Leo.

I just can't picture you shining your shoes.

Can't really picture you finding your shoes.

Yeah, well, I fought for my country and I have the scars to prove it.

Hey, me, too. Look at that.

Guadalcanal, 1942.

I took some shrapnel, spent a month in the hospital.

That's how I met Bob Hope.

Bastard made me laugh even though I had two busted ribs.

Dumb ass comedian.

Check this out.

I don't see anything.

Yeah, it's more of an emotional scar.

Leo, I don't understand how you could go from decorated war hero to hippie degenerate.

Well, it all started the day I got back to the States.

My buddy and I were saying goodbye.

What are you gonna do now that the war is over, Leonard?

First I'm going back home to work in my dad's pharmacy for a bit and then it's off to medical school.

See you, pal.

And then these jazz musicians pulled up in a car.

Hey, soldier. Do you need a ride?

No, it smells kind of funny in there.

Don't worry, kid. You'll get used to it.

And that's the last thing I remember until you poured me this cup of coffee.

Yep.

Hey, man. Hi.

Brought you something to cheer you up.

A picture of Eric.

And a lighter.

Thanks. I'll burn it later.

I don't really know what to say.

You wanna tell me what happened?

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't really that big of a surprise.

Eric said that ever since he left for Africa, he felt like our lives were drifting apart.

So he decided, for the both of us, that we should move on.

So, I guess we moved on.

You all right? Yeah. I will be.

Eventually.

Well, if you need anything, you know where I'll be.

Thanks, Hyde.

And if you need anything from me, you know where I'll be.

Thanks, Fez.

Dear Eric. It turns out Donna was not doing it with Randy after all.

I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

But I learned my lesson. And it won't happen again.

It was so nice having you over, Leo. You have a safe trip home.

And don't worry. I remember where I live.

Eric, I have horrible news. Your mom and Leo are having an affair!