That '70s Show S8E7 Script

Fun It (2005)

What the hell is going on here?

Well, these guys were supposed to go on a three-hour tour, but now they're shipwrecked.

And the sexual tension between Gilligan and the Skipper is reaching a breaking point.

This show's stupid.

Why don't they just kill the fat one for food?

I'm not talking about Gilligan.

I'm talking about the new guy sitting in my chair.

Fez, the chairs are first come, first served.

We decided that in the Great Chair Negotiation of '78.

Although, that doesn't apply to me.

Due to the If You Sit in My Chair, I'll Kick You in the Nad's amendment.

Here, you can have it, I don't mind.

You'll live another day.

Fez, why do you pick on Randy?

Based on his hair and his looks, I think he is a really good person.

I just don't like people who aren't from here, that's all.

You know I was thinking we could get out of here anyway.

Maybe go somewhere, have some fun?

Why are you trying to ruin our Saturday?

Come on, let's go down to Fatso Burger, and get some burgers and fries.

Teenagers love burgers and fries!

Nah, no thanks.

What if I said I'm buying?

Randy, on behalf of all of us, I would just like to say...

I can smell the oniony thanks all the way over here.

Listen, Randy, just because I ate three hamburgers, doesn't mean I like you.

It just means I have no self-control.

Look at that disgusting clown.

It's totally freaking me out.

You're scared of Fatso?

But he's the friendly neighborhood clown, who gives grade D beef to all the boys and girls.

Look, I just don't like the way his eyes follow me around.

It's the same reason I hate art.

What have I told you kids? What have I told you?

Don't pee on the bathroom key?

One ketchup bottle per table. One ketchup per table!

Why do you say everything twice?

Shut up. Shut up!

I hate that guy. He acts like he owns the place.

Well, he does own the place.

Well, he acts like it.

Hey, he's just a small businessman trying to make ends meet.

Let's ruin him.

I've got it! Let's throw a bunch of pickles at his window!

Then, he'll become a prisoner of his own pickle-prison.

Or we could steal Fatso the Clown.

Steal Fatso the Clown, all right, man!

Yeah, Randy!

No, boo, Randy! Yeah, Fez!

Pickle attack, let's do it!

Where did it go?

Okay, I have a better idea.

Let's steal that clown!

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

We're stealing a clown.

God, being bad is so exciting!

My palms are sweaty.

When I was with Eric, the only times my palms were sweaty, was when I was holding his sweaty palms.

Well I don't want anything to do with that red-nosed freak.

Why are you so afraid of clowns?

It was my seventh birthday party, this clown asked me if I wanted to smell his pretty flower.

And when I did, it squirted water all over my face.

And then he offered me his handkerchief, when I pulled it out of his pocket, it just kept coming, coming, coming.

And that's why you hate clowns?

No, later I walked in on him, making out with my mom.

Pie-throwing bastard!

Okay, wire cutters, a crescent wrench and a bolt cutter.

What about an ax?

Do we need an ax?

No, I think we're good.

But if we decide to go on a killing rampage at a sleep-away camp, I'll call you.

Okay, smart guy, I've thought of something you haven't.

We need a getaway-car.

See, your plan is unravelling.

I thought we could take that station wagon right there.

Damn, your plan has re-ravelled.

But wait, Red has the keys! Aha!

Your plan is unravelling again.

We don't need the keys! I'll hotwire that son of a bitch!

What's the big deal? I'll just ask Red if I can borrow the car.

While you're at it, why don't you ask Red if your ass can borrow his foot?

No, I think I'll just ask for the car.

I'll ask Red. I have a lot of experience with him.

He loves me because I used to have sex with his daughter.

Okay, Randy, watch and learn.

Hey, Red, reading the paper, that good old paper?

Get out. Okay, the plan is off.

Hey, Mr. Forman, I thought maybe you could lend us the Vista Cruiser?

Well, that's interesting, Kitty.

I don't see anything in here about hell freezing over.

It's just, I wanted to build a wheelchair ramp for my grandmother, and I wanted to buy some lumber.

Come on, Red!

Just picture his poor old grandmother, going down the stairs in a wheelchair, bouncing all over the place.

Oh, I don't mean to laugh.

Red, she needs his help.

Oh, fine.

But fill up the tank, bring it back by tomorrow, and do something with that hair. Jeez!

A wheelchair ramp? What a load of crap.

Fez, my grandmother is in a wheelchair. She had polio.

Well, everything works out perfect for you.

I can't believe I'm an accessory to a crime.

We could get caught, I could get arrested!

I could go to a girl-prison, this freaking rocks!

I remember my first crime. Grand theft tricycle.

I did three days in the crib for that job.

There is a car coming! Scatter!

Oh, no! I didn't scatter!

What's cooking, Fatso?

Welcome to Fatso Burger.

I'll have a big Fatso combo with extra secret sauce.

Would you like apple pie with that?

Sure!

And the extra large soda for 10 cents more?

Okay.

Oh, and onion rings are free with all that.

I'll take them.

So let me read that back.

One big Fatso combo with extra sauce, an apple pie, extra large soda and one onion rings.

You got it.

Sorry, we're closed.

What? Then why did you take my order?

Thank you, please drive away.

But I'm hungry!

Then go get a pizza!

I had pizza for lunch!

Well, whose fault is that?

Go to hell, Fatso!

See you there, lard ass!

That was awesome!

Bob just got into a fight with a ceramic clown!

Believe it or not, it wasn't the first time.

Okay, Fatso, you're coming with us.

And if you try to fight back, well, that'll scare the living crap out of us.

Okay, you guys, after this, we should steal a car!

No! A kid!

Donna, that's kidnapping.

Okay fine, a dog! Just something alive!

Now don't drink too much, Fatso, you've got to drive your 30 friends home, later, in your tiny car.

You guys, stealing this clown was an immature act of revenge and vandalism.

Ooh! Let's draw boobs on him!

So you guys...

What the hell is that doing here?

We stole Fatso the Clown!

And now we're gonna...

What do we do with a stolen clown?

This is what we do with a stolen clown.

Actually, this is what we do without a stolen clown.

It always comes back to this.

Thanks for bringing me here, you guys!

So, Fatso, now that you're free, is there anything we can do for you?

Yeah, find me a really trashy clown-hooker with nice, long legs and a pair of double-D...

Yeah, I found this in the garage.

Oh, Randy, you think you are so funny.

That was funny.

Look at that freaky-ass clown.

It's just staring at me, he doesn't even blink.

It's because he likes you. He loves you.

He wants to marry you and then kill you!

You guys, something terrible happened.

Fatso the Clown was stolen!

What? But he was a Wisconsin landmark.

He's been sitting on that bun since I was a little girl!

I feel so guilty. I was the last one to talk to him.

We had an awful fight.

What are you crying about?

It was a speaker with a face on it.

Oh, he was more than that!

He was a part of our history.

I got a lot of warm memories about that place, too.

I knocked up Midgy in the parking lot.

Don't you remember, Red?

When we were dating, we used to go to Fatso Burger every Friday night, and just dream about our future.

I thought we were just eating burgers.

Women are always doing something else!

That's true.

Midgy was drinking a shake when I knocked her up.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Paper again, Fatso? I win.

Okay, let me try.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Yeah! We both did paper!

Congratulations, Fez. You tied a ceramic clown.

You guys, I got to turn on the TV.

Donna, no one is in the mood for one of your muscle-building shows.

No, my dad is on the news.

The whole town is pissed about Fatso being stolen.

I'll always remember where I was when I heard the news that Fatso was stolen.

I was reading the paper in the can.

It was the same way with Kennedy.

Whoever stole this, you didn't just steal a clown, you stole a little piece of Point Place.

And you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I have a message for you from this man, who is too choked up to speak.

We will find you!

We will find you!

Well, kids, it looks like you're really in some deep...

You're not funny.

Why is he so damn funny?

I knew we shouldn't have stolen that clown.

If we wanted to get back at that Fatso Burger guy, we should have just done what my dad would have done.

Hire the Sagito brothers to torch the place.

This is big, the whole town is upset.

Even my grandmother rolled down there to show her support.

What the hell are we gonna do?

This is simple, it's just so freaking simple!

All we need to do is get rid of the body.

We need a hacksaw, a bunch of garbage bags and bathtub filled with acid.

Yeah, guys, this is serious.

You know what the penalty for stealing a clown is?

The cops line you up, and shoot you with one of those guns that has a flag that says "Bang."

I've been wanting to say that all day.

What in the world?

Okay, Red, before you kill us one by one, let me just say this, it was his idea.

Nice going.

I hate that ugly thing. It's always smiling when nothing is funny.

Yeah, so, you're not angry?

What makes you think I'd be angry?

Um, every other experience we've ever had with you?

Well, I think it's hilarious.

But Kitty is very upset.

Apparently, this thing is some kind of symbol of our love.

Help me toss it in the dumpster.

Oh, I'm not touching that thing.

Wait, I don't have a grip!

What is going on down there?

Hide the clown!

I don't want it. Don't give it to me!

Oh, my God! It's looking at me!

Quick, put it in here.

What on Earth was all that yelling?

Oh, nothing, we were just watching The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

And someone came really near the bubble with a pair of scissors.

Well, did you kids hear that some vandals stole Fatso the Clown?

Uh, no, this is the first we're hearing it.

Well, I am just so upset about this that I need to make some comfort food.

So, oh, I came down here to get peas for a casserole.

No!

What?

Aren't fresh peas better?

Well, don't be silly.

Frozen peas are fine.

It's not a holiday.

Okay, let's see, peas, breadcrumbs, oh, I forgot the corn.

I can't believe you dismembered Fatso!

What is the matter with you kids?

This clown means something to people.

Look how upset Red is!

Yes, upset!

All of you dumb-ass.

Mrs. Forman, I can explain.

There is nothing to do in this town.

I am so disappointed in you.

Especially after everything I have done for you.

I've opened my home, I have cooked you meals, I've loved you like you're my own children.

She did that for all of you?

Man, you guys are a bunch of jerks.

Now, here's what you're going to do.

You're gonna glue poor Fatso back together, and you are gonna take him back to his burger.

Right, Red?

Yes.

Because if you don't... Furious!

Foots in asses!

Holy hell, did you see that?

I've never seen Red so angry!

I can't believe we're taking the clown back.

You know what we should have done?

Smashed it into powder, mixed it into Fatso burgers, and force-fed it to that redundant old fart who owns the place.

Now that's sick!

Oh, my God, Fez, there is a cop following us.

Where?

Don't look, he's pulling up next to us.

Hurry, cover that clown with your body.

Make it look like you're making out with it!

No. I don't want to!

Kiss it, man, we can't get caught now.

Hey, someone put their old gum in his mouth!

I did that!

There is no cop and you kissed a clown!

I can't believe I got to third base with a clown.

Fez, there is nothing below his waist.

I got a hold of something.

I used to think criminals were stupid for returning to the scene of the crime.

But I get it now. It's all about the rush!

You know, now that I've seen Fatso make out with Fez, he's not so scary anymore.

See, you're just a clown.

A clown who wants to kill you!

So there it is.

The clown's back, everyone is happy, none of us went to jail.

What a waste of time.

Well, Randy, it looks like I've saved the day.

Fatso is back on his bun.

So all the bolts are nice and tight?

Yes, of course. I used a catchy little jingle, righty loosey, lefty tighty.

That clown ain't going nowhere.

Shotgun!

I'm keeping the nose!

Ketchup?