That '70s Show S8E9 Script

Who Needs You (2006)

No, I get the top drawer.

I've always had the top drawer and this conversation is over.

Don't you walk away from me.

I'll walk wherever I want!

Oh, look, I'm going to walk on the couch.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna drink the rest of your last beer.

I win. I put out a cigarette in there.


What is going on with you and your stripper wife?

You guys are fighting like cats and whores.

Yep. The honeymoon is over.

You know, once the thrill of being married to a stripper is gone, you're just left with a wife who's always got change for a five.

You guys, the radio station asked me to host an on-air fundraiser for the Children's Library.

A year ago, I was doing the Farm Report and now it's gonna be Hot Donna all day long.

That's right. I'm gonna be referring to myself in the third person from now on.

Wait. You're not doing the Farm Report anymore?

Well, how am I supposed to know if my corns are going to grow?

And I told my boss that I'm not getting off the air until I've raised 500 bucks.

Which'll be easy, because my fans do anything I say.

Like, there was this one time where I told everybody to get up and dance when I played Tear The Roof Off The Sucker.

There was almost a riot at the prison.

Yeah. Thanks a lot, Donna. My dad had to hide under his bunk.

Hyde, thanks for letting us broadcast from Grooves.

We couldn't do it at the Children's Library, because the last time I was there, this 10-year-old boy got a peek down my shirt and his mom had to read him What's Happening to My Body? Three years earlier than she planned.

And, well, now I'm not welcome back.

Wait a second, you guys are doing this at my store?

Where was I when this was decided?

At work. We just didn't want to wake you.

I cleared all your crap off the bed. Why the hell did you do that?

Because we're gonna use it to make up.

Unless you want to make up in the shower.

Honeymoon's back on.

Oh. It's you.


During business hours you may address me by my official title, "Landlord."

I'll also respond to "Lord Fenton."

Ooh, or on Sundays, "The Good Lord."


Fenton, I am in no mood to talk to you.

Oh, well, then just listen.

I did a little shuffle-y-doo with the parking assignments.

Your new space is Z.

Z? Z's the last spot.

It's dangerous to walk from there at night.

I'm a single man.

Well, maybe you should put some effort into your appearance.

Maybe you should put some effort into minding your own business!

Maybe you should shut up! Maybe you should go to hell!

I'll go to hell when you shut up!

Damn. I really should have turned in the direction of my door.

Excuse me. Of course.

Hey Fezzie! How's the salon?

Horrible. An old lady and a Marine came in at the same time.

I got confused.

And, well, Mrs. Riley was not happy when I shaved her head.

Yeah, I know. I had a tough day too.

General Hospital is pre-empted by some stupid hostage crisis.

Did you drink my last grape soda?


I left the empty bottle in the fridge, so you'd know to buy more.

But I'd been looking forward to this grape soda all day.

I even made up a song. j& I'm looking forward to that grape soda, yeah j&

Jackie, I took you in when you had nowhere to go, but you've been a total mooch.

You have no job, you pay no rent.

You need to shape up or put out.

Uh, Fez, it's shape up or ship out.

Then what the hell is in it for me?

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing

j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j& Hello, Wisconsin! j&

You know I hate it when you read the paper while I'm sitting right here next to you!

Yeah. That's why I'm doing it, honey-bunch.

Why don't you read your horoscope?

I bet it says, "You won't be getting any!"

Oh, here is my horoscope. "You'll find yourself living with a bitch!"

You know why they're fighting?

Because they're packed into Steven's tiny room like sardines.

And that's no way to be.

Unless you are a sardine and then you've got bigger problems.

I think I see where you're going with this, Kitty.

You kick them out and I'll change the locks.

No. They should move into Laurie's old room. It's just sitting there.

Kitty, "It's just sitting there" is a reason to shoot a deer, not a reason to move two kids in next door.

Oh, you're just upset because you don't want people seeing you in your big, green, fuzzy slippers.

Those are my Green Bay Packers slippers.

And they looked a lot sharper in the catalog.

Okay, Hot Donna fans.

I'm here at Grooves Records raising money for the Children's Library.

And I am not getting off the air until my jug is full.

We have our first donation. Sir, how much did you give us?

Uh, 68 cents.

All right. And how did you come into that kind of cash?

I bought something that cost 32 cents.

Terrific. Hey, here's a fun fact.

Money is covered in germs and human waste, so give it to me.

Hop in your cars, your trucks, your speed wagons and come on down to Grooves.

Speaking of speed wagons, here is a new song from The Cars.

Hey, after this song, do you think I can do one of my characters?

I do a really great British boy trapped in an elevator.

Please, sir, I'm stuck in the lift and I 'ave to use the loo.

Okay, it's been two hours and I'm nowhere near my goal.

Um, I understand that some of my fans can't make it here because, well, you're in prison.

But for those of you who aren't, rob a bank or something.

Just kidding.

WFPP in no way endorses the robbing of banks.

I think what you're doing here is great, man.

Thanks, Leo.

Yeah, we haven't had a trash can here in ages.

Oh, yeah, Fenton? Well, if I could do that to myself, I wouldn't be standing here arguing with you!

Wow! This place is spotless.

I can see my reflection. Why, hello, Robert Redford.

Well, Fez, I realized what you said was true.

That I needed to help out. So I cleaned.

I guess all the years of watching my maid scrub the floor really paid off.

Well, thank you, Jackie. You deserve a big night out.

I'm taking you to The Muppet Movie.

No thanks, Fez.

I'm actually running the bath and I'm going to spend all night soaking in the tub.

Okay, well, then let's do that then.


Fine. But I'm still going to the movies.

I think Miss Piggy and Kermit are finally going to do it.

Why the hell did you turn the TV on?

To drown out your snoring!

I was snoring to drown out your talking!


I can't put up with those two fighting anymore.

It's like living with a couple of Italians.

Oh, yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room, and now we can't sleep.

Who could have seen this coming?

Hot Donna here. Heading into my 12th hour on the air.

Our top news story, I've raised $38 and my ass is asleep.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Where the hell are all my fans?"

Yeah, I know you're home listening.

I've signed enough of your bellies to know you're not out on dates!

You know what? Just forget it.

I'll find my own change, you cheap bastards!

Donna, what are you doing? I'm looking for change, man. Back off.

Whoa, I wouldn't stick your hand in there.

Sometimes when Leo doesn't finish his lunch, he puts it in his pockets.

He eats a lot of ravioli.

Hey, are you stealing my raviolis?

Okay, listen up, you tightwads.

I can't go home till I've raised 500 bucks.

So this is how it's gonna work.

Donate a quarter, I'll take a picture with you.

Drop in a dollar, I'll sign your butt.

Anybody who donates 50 bucks, I'll take off my clothes and show you stuff!

Hmm. I never made that sound before.

Jackie! What? What's going on?

You flooded the apartment!


Oh, I must have fallen asleep with the tub running.

Oh, I bet all the hot water's gone.

It soaked into the carpet and into the floor.

Well, who lives downstairs?

Oh. It's you.

What do you want?

Um, we're just here to borrow some sugar, neighbor.

I don't have any.

You don't eat sugar and keep this figure.

Then we'll go. Because everything here looks ship-shape.

Good night then.

This is terrible.

Your apartment is ruined. Water is still pouring into mine.

I'm gonna have to walk around in a big, rubber suit.

If it still fits!

Fenton, I know it looks bad, but according to the commercial, one roll of Bounty should take care of everything.

You're going to pay for the carpet, the floor, and my damaged ceiling.

How am I supposed to find that kind of money?

Well, you always seem to find money for those tacky, tight pants you wear.

You wish your pants were tight.

You wish your pants were loose.

Toothpick-legs! Sausage-thighs!

Get out!

You. Pack your bags.

Fez! That's a great idea!

Let's go to Bermuda while this place dries out.

You pushed it too far. I want you out.

Wait, what? Fez, where am I supposed to go?

Oh, how about this? Why don't you go down to I-Don't-Care Street, make a left on Get-Out-Of-My-Life Boulevard, and take the express bus to downtown Suck-It?

Samantha, Red and I both felt we needed to talk to you.

Steven, Kitty is making me talk to you.

We're worried that you two aren't communicating the way a couple should.

We're sick of you screaming at each other like a couple of dumbasses.

Red, what happens between me and Sam is kind of private.

I'll tell you anything.

Hyde and I are like an open book.

Oh, Red and I share everything too, except bars of soap. It's unsanitary.

Well, I gotta tell Kitty something.

You two going to stop fighting?

You see the thing is...

Fighting gets Hyde and me all worked up and...

After we fight, we... Well, you know.

We get naked and have hot, crazy sex.

Good God, I didn't need to hear about that!

Holy Toledo, tell me more about that!

So you're saying...

You put up with the fighting to spice up your S-E-X?


You two are naughty.

You two are idiots.

Fenton, I'm so glad I caught you.

Look, this whole mess is my fault and not Fez's.

I'm the one who ran the bath. I flooded the place.

I ruined your creepy night of classical music and Indian food.

Well, you also ruined this. My beautiful pig-suede jacket.

From China? Mmm.

Oh, it's beautiful.

And versatile.

You can wear it as a jacket or a sport coat or you can wrap it around your waist when you're having a big-butt day.

Fenton, please let me make this up to you.

I know a great place we can get an even better jacket.

It may not be suede and it may not be from China, but I am neither of those things and I'm a better person for it.

Well, it better be good stuff.

Cheap leather makes me rashy in all the wrong places.

What are the right places?

I've said too much.

Hello, Donna.

Santa Claus?

Am I having a dream?

No, Donna. This is really happening.

What are you doing here?

Well, I've come to fill your jug with change, so that you can help build that library for all the good little boys and girls.

Wow. Thanks, Santa.

And to think everyone said you weren't real.

Who? I'll kill those little bastards!

I... I mean... Who?


Don't kill them, Santa! Please don't kill them!

Donna, calm down. It's me, Randy.

I brought change.

My nana, God rest that sweet woman's soul, gave me this bank when I was just a boy.

She didn't have much, but every time she came over she told me to close my eyes and she'd drop a silver dollar in here.

I want you to have it.

Oh, my God, Randy, you are so awesome.

Pennies? Thanks a lot, Nana!

I guess all your real money must have gone to Jack Daniel's and slot machines, you lying old hag!

Randy, don't worry about it.

I mean, at least you tried.

Yeah, well, I'd like to do what I can to help.

Because I care about the Children's Library.

You hear that, Point Place?

Randy Pearson loves little boys.

Okay, well, Steven and Samantha are moving back downstairs because they're not gonna stop fighting.

And you know why?

Yes, unfortunately, I do.

What kind of a person has to argue in order to... You know.

Well, what's wrong with it if it spices up their lovemaking?

Jeez, Kitty, is that what we're doing? We're just saying it now?

Well, you never want to talk about anything.

And you always do.

I can't get any peace unless I leave the room.

And even then, I have to run the lawnmower in the garage in order to not hear your constant yammering.

Red Forman! Speechless, huh?

Well, it's about damn time.

I thought we were trying this...


Jackie... Oh! Jackie, I had such a great time with you.

I got a new jacket, a manicure, crepes.

I didn't know a woman could be so into that stuff.

I know. Fenton, I had such a great time with you too.

Well! If it isn't Jackie.

There's only one person I hate more than Jackie, and that is Fenton.

And Fenton, there's only one person I hate more than you.

Queen Elizabeth.

Who does she think she is? Queen of England?

Well, don't worry, Fez, 'cause I'm leaving tonight.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

You're leaving? Yeah, she's leaving.

She destroyed my apartment. She's costing me a fortune.

Jackie I... I can't let you go. I mean, you have the other half of my "best friends forever" heart charm!

Well, Fenton, I'd love to stay.

But as all good friendships require, you're going to have to do something for me.

Forgive Fez and not charge him for any of the damages.

Well, Jackie, you're putting me in quite a bind.

And not in a good way.

Unfortunately, I don't respond to threats, so...

Okay. See you. Don't go!

Fine. He's off the hook.


Fez? Come on, what do you say? Can I still be your roommate?


But if she's staying, I want a better parking space.

You can have S. A!

S! S! B! C!

Why don't you park on the roof and pay me $3,000?

Is S still available?

Apparently in my delirium last night, I said a few things on the air that I shouldn't have said.

So I need to apologize to the following groups of people.

The Irish.

People who make their living from boats.

Any religion that values the Old Testament.

Glass blowers.

Cross-country skiers. It's not just walking.

Um... Quakers.

I don't know what you are, but I love your oatmeal.