That Touch of Mink (1962) Script

Well, Miss Timberlake, back again for a little of the taxpayers' money, hmm?

So did you work last week? No.

Are you available for work? Yes.

Did you turn down any jobs? No.

Are you busy tonight? Yes.

If, in our opinion, the applicant hasn't exercised proper diligence in seeking employment, we can withhold payment of cheques.

Perhaps tomorrow night?

There's a wonderful little diner round the corner from where I live and after dinner we could, uh, well...

...perhaps... Go up to your apartment?

Well, I, uh... If you want me to go up to your apartment come out and ask. That way I can think about it and make a decision.

Would you like to stop off at my place?

May I have my cheque? Oh. Of course.

Well?

I would enjoy going out with you, Mr Beasley, If I didn't find you so personally distasteful.

You're a sneaky, crude, offensive man.

That's just how I feel.

I'm sure there are hundreds of girls who admire those qualities.

I circled the entire area, sir.

There's no sign of her. Darn. Thank you, Collins.

Hit and run's a dangerous sport, Mr Shayne, even for the privileged class.

Even if this victim survives, what can she do? Sue you?

With your money, you can run down half the girls in New York and still be solvent.

We hit a puddle, splashed the girl.

Would you have me stop, tie up the traffic, crawl through the rain and beg forgiveness?

A decent gesture like that would never occur to you.

So I'll set up a foundation for waterlogged girls.

Isn't it a little early for cocktails?

I'm perfectly aware of what I'm doing.

I have an analyst. Dr Gruber. I know.

A distinguished analyst. I know exactly what started me drinking at this hour.

What? Dr Gruber, he's a lush.

Seven years of treating you could do it.

Yeah. Look out.

He's a brilliant man. Brilliant. Brilliant.

He put his finger right on my problem - my lack of integrity.

You were a humble but respected professor of economics at Princeton.

Students sat at my feet absorbing my wisdom.

The lvy League Socrates.

Then you came along dangling $50,000 a year under my nose and, to my everlasting shame, I sold out.

And every year you further humiliate me by raising my salary.

Inexcusable. Like rubbing salt in the wounds.

And at Christmas you gave me stock in the company.

Why are you trying to destroy me? Just my natural hostility.

Excuse me. Benson's attorneys say he still won't sell.

Roger, you researched that company. What's it worth?

General Electronics? Six million.

Offer six and a quarter, tell him it's top dollar.

Yes, sir.

Roger, if that deal goes through, you're in for a bonus.

Bonus?

Haven't you any conscience? What?

Just when I'm reaching a point where I'll have the courage to go back to Princeton.

Would it help if I fired you? No!

Dr Gruber said this would be the worst time for that.

Why? I owe him quite a bit of money.

He's brilliant!

Wait a minute. Yes?

'Mrs Haskell and Mrs Farnum are here.' I'll see them in a moment.

There she is! Who?

That girl I splashed. Where?

Just went into the automat. Roger, go and apologise for me.

She's a blonde in a raincoat with a leather collar.

This is in case I damaged her clothes.

I'm a highly paid executive, not a messenger boy.

OK, I'll go.

You hired me as your financial adviser.

Wouldn't send Bernard Baruch out to pay off a girl for you.

Oh, yes, you would.

Connie?

Connie! Yoo-hoo!

Where are you? In the cucumbers.

Hi.

That's the first smiling face today. I only get hungry ones.

What'll it be? Chicken pie or turkey leg?

Chicken.

How'd it go today? Any luck?

All bad. Some idiot splashed me with his car, practically ruined my dress.

You should see me. He never even stopped.

Then I had to face Beasley. What a parlay!

How is the playboy of the 8th Avenue unemployment office?

He asked me to his apartment. I told him what I thought of him.

Au gratin or baked potato? Baked.

He's not worth the trouble. Does a snake know he's a snake?

He crawls on his stomach and thinks he's a king.

Right. You know, you're a philosopher.

When a girl of my age still isn't married, you either philosophise or get arrested.

Carrots or peas? Carrots.

Cathy, your problem is how to keep your honour AND your job.

Men see you and suddenly their wives just don't understand them.

I've never done anything to encourage them.

You don't have to, nature did it for you.

Jell-o? Yeah.

Now, there are just so many jobs for girls who can operate computing machines.

The next job you get, you'll listen to me.

You don't comb your hair, no make-up, wear military heels, you remind them of their wives.

They figure this they can get at home so they leave you alone.

Have some cake, it might make your skin break out. See you later, honey.

OK. Hey, I have an interview after lunch so I'll call you when it's over. Good.

Good luck. Thanks.

Mr Miller.

Miss Emerson.

Are you familiar with company policy on giving away free food?

No, sir. Are we for it or against it?

That will cost you one dollar and twelve cents.

However, I might be willing to overlook the incident if you, uh, introduce me to your friend.

How is Mrs Miller? She doesn't understand me.

I could've made book on that answer.

Excuse me, were you struck by a car this morning?

What? Splattered by a limousine?

Oh. Yes, I certainly was.

The gentleman who owns the car has offices across the street.

He saw you from his window and sent me to convey his regrets.

I should think a gentleman would apologise himself.

Well, Mr Shayne's a very busy man. Oh, really?

Is that why he didn't stop? That's leaving the scene of an accident.

If there was any damage done...

My raincoat was practically ruined. And look at this dress.

I've been authorised to compensate you for any damage done.

Well, you just tell Mr... Shayne.

...Shayne, that money does not buy good manners.

I wish I could tell him that myself.

Do you? Really? I certainly do.

You're right!

How would you feel? Here I am, he practically runs me down and then drives right away!

And doesn't have the decency to apologise himself.

Furthermore I have a job interview and have to go like this.

He doesn't care. Ohhh.

You know what I'd like to do? Throw the money in his face?

Exactly!

I'd like to throw that money right in his face.

Would you? Yes, I would.

I've waited seven years for this moment.

You come with me.

Say, Connie, there's a man dragging Cathy out.

Gee. They don't even give her a chance to eat.

She's gonna spend the rest of her life saying, "I'm not that kind of a girl."

I'm only afraid that some day, before she can finish saying it, she will be.

There you are.

The Manhattan Home for Young Women thanks you for your generous donation and for permitting us to use your name in our fundraising drive. Well, it's a worthy cause.

There's a great need to provide an atmosphere of care and understanding during this critical period.

You'd be shocked that the rate of unwed mothers...

Charlotte, we don't call them unwed mothers.

...that the rate of unfortunate girls has tripled in five years.

It's a deplorable situation. Yes, yes.

There's one consolation, Mrs Farnum - for every unwed mother, there's an unwed father.

I never thought of it that way.

Well, thank you again, Mr Shayne.

Goodbye, Mr Shayne. Goodbye.

Wasn't it sweet of him to contribute so generously?

Mr Shayne doesn't deny he's responsible for what happened to me?

No. The least he could've done was come to see me himself instead of sending someone over with money.

Some men have no sense of moral obligation.

Same thing happened to my friend Connie. He never even told her his name.

No. Have a seat.

I'll tell him you're here.

My dear, when the time comes, call this number.

Psst! Miss Timberlake.

No wonder he donated so generously. Guilt feelings.

Now, Evelyn, we must be realistic.

When a man donates $200,000, he's entitled to use the facilities.

He's in there, he'll be right out. Don't forget what you're gonna say - reckless driving, leaving the scene of an accident, bad manners, then the money in the face!

There are few other things I'd do if I weren't a lady.

This is no time to think of sex. Now, go!

Mr Shayne, Miss Timberlake.

Miss Timberlake?

Go get him. Miss Timberlake has something to say.

Yes?

I- I'd like to apologise uh, for getting in your way this morning.

It was entirely my fault. I was practically jaywalking.

You had a perfect right to be on the curb. I was leaning over.

I'm sorry I couldn't stop. My driver circled the block but when we got back you'd gone.

Leaving the scene of an accident. Oh.

I don't know why I left. I must have gotten panicky.

Him, not you!

Roger, don't you have a letter to get off to Princeton?

I should've come down to the restaurant to apologise but I had some people here.

Knowing how busy you are, I'm surprised you found time to send anyone.

If I've damaged anything in any way...

Oh, not really.

Water's good for raincoats, and there's just a few spots on my dress.

I'll be glad to pay for a new dress. No, thank you.

I was going on an interview, it wasn't important.

You can't go on an interview like that. Come with me.

'Yes, Mr Shayne? ' Send up the valet.

You can have your things back in 20 minutes. You can change in there.

There's a bathroom on your right and in that closet there's a topcoat you can wear.

Well, go on, do as I tell you.

That's right.

Connie, it's for you. Oh. Thanks.

Hello? Cathy?

Where'd you go? Across the street in Mr Shayne's office.

What about your lunch? Once I get my dress back.

What floor are you on? Millie, get the cleaver!

Honey, we'll be right over.

Connie, I'm all right. He sent my dress out to have it cleaned.

See you later.

Sent it out to have it cleaned?

I have heard of sneaky ways to undress a girl but...

Isn't that the man who took Cathy out of here?

Let me see.

That's the one.

The tractor division should show an increase in earnings.

Fine. Now we're back to General Electronics.

Still no breakthrough.

Come in.

Ooh, I'm sorry. Wait a minute, whoa.

Come on in. Mr Shayne, I thought you were alone.

Um, it didn't come back yet and I have an appointment.

All right, I'll check on it.

Wait a minute. Gentlemen, this is Miss Timberlake.

How do you do? Come on in.

Oh, I didn't want to interrupt. You're not interrupting.

Miss Timberlake, we need to know why a man won't sell a company when we've offered him more than it's worth. Go ahead.

Well, we've tried everyone.

We talked to Benson's lawyers, his directors and his executive assistant.

Now, who else is there to talk to?

There, you see.

Have you talked to Mr Benson? Have you talked to Mr Benson?

Well... no.

No, they haven't talked to Mr Benson.

Well, the same thing happened to my Aunt Rachel.

Um, this man she knows in the next town kept sending her letters proposing to her, and she just kept turning him down.

Now, she wanted to get married but she felt that he should've asked in person.

There, you see, gentlemen.

Perhaps Mr Benson is eager to become a bride but has never been asked.

How would your Aunt Rachel have felt about a phone call?

Oh, no. She wouldn't say yes till he came to the house.

They have eight children now.

Well, that couldn't have happened over the phone.

Miss Timberlake, how would you like to go for a ride with me? Come on.

What are you doing in Baltimore?

I'm here with Mr Shayne. We...

Well, of course I've got my clothes on.

Connie, we flew here in his private plane.

Gosh, you should see it, it's completely furnished. Even has a bar.

Honey, this time you've run into a shrewd one.

Once he gets you up there, you can't argue.

It's hit the silk or else.

Connie, he's here to buy a company and he brought me along as a good luck charm.

I'll call you back. Bye.

What happened? Well, Aunt Rachel said yes.

Good. And I owe it all to you.

Miss Timberlake, I'm glad I almost ran you down this morning.

I am too.

Let's go and toast that puddle that brought us together.

Do you care for Italian food? Oh, I love it.

Good, I know a little place, if you like fettucine?

Er, yes. This is the only place to have it.

Hello? 'Hi.'

Cathy? Where are you?

In Philadelphia. 'What are you doing there? '

It's the only place to have fettucine.

I should've thought of that. I thought he took you there to buy you the Liberty Bell.

Get off that merry-go-round. He's just another Beasley with a flying bedroom.

Oh, Connie, he's not like anyone. You've never met a man like this.

That's the problem, neither have you.

I have so much to tell you when I get back. 'If you get back.'

We're leaving, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Well, did you get your roommate? Yes. She said to be sure and say hello.

You'll have to pay the piper for dinner by sitting through a report I'm due to deliver.

I don't mind.

How do you feel about untapped natural resources of underdeveloped countries?

I think they ought to be tapped.

Hmm. You've condensed a 40-minute speech into one sentence.

The wealth of a nation is in the wellbeing of its people, both spiritually and materialistically.

It's not a question of lowering our standards but of helping others to raise theirs.

If all people everywhere could be content and their living standards even and compatible with ours, there would be no envy in the world and, therefore, less provocation of war.

When you encourage and help people to develop their own natural resources, you do more than put bread in their mouths, you put dignity in their hearts.

Even the Russians are applauding.

Isn't he magnificent? Yeah.

His car nearly ran me down this morning. Ooh!

Yeah. What a delightful way to go.

Now we've discussed the world's natural resources, let's explore some of our own.

Miss Timberlake, New York's a wonderful city, what would you like to do with it?

I don't know. I've never been offered a city before.

That doesn't speak well for the boys back home.

It's really not their fault. "Miss Timberlake, I offer you Upper Sandusky."

You see? It doesn't have the same ring.

What is a pretty girl offered in Upper Sandusky?

Baseball.

I went to a lot of baseball games.

A friend of mine has a box behind the third base dugout.

Oh, that's nice. Cougars won the pennant in '58.

If you like baseball we've got a local team.

Oh, the Yankees. Oh.

The Cougars they are not but they try hard.

Strike!

Strike? Hey, ump! Shake your head, your eyeballs are stuck!

It was a ball! It was that far from the plate.

Little lady, will you let me umpire this game? You've been on my back all night.

Mickey, you saw that pitch. It was a ball. It looked like it.

You're out of the game, Mantle.

What? Roger, how'd that pitch look?

It could've missed the corner. You're out, Maris.

Yogi. It's a perfect strike, the ump was right.

I don't like sarcasm, Berra. You're out of the game too!

You can't do that!

Lady...

Where's the manager? I think he's hiding.

Oh! Ooh...

I didn't mean to get all those men thrown out.

It proved they could win without their starting line-up.

I always get that way at ball games. I lose control.

Well, it's over now, we won.

I know just the place where you could calm down.

Where? My apartment.

It's not ready for a housewarming but how do you like it?

It's beautiful up here. I might put in some walls over there.

And perhaps a ceiling, just to give it that traditional touch.

That would be nice.

The, er, the living room will be there, and the bedroom there.

I think the bedroom should be there.

Wherever you say.

And I love fireplaces.

There'll be one in every room. And bookcases, I like books everywhere.

And good reading lamps. That's the idea.

Plenty of paintings. Mmm. And a built-in oven.

And a sunken bathtub. Oh, I love taking sunken baths.

You'd always find me in it.

I didn't mean it that way, I...

I know you didn't. But let's not abandon the idea.

Cathy...

I've got to go to Bermuda for a few days.

How would you like to join me there?

Then we could go on to Paris.

Have you ever been to Paris? No.

That's the best way to see it, for the first time.

I know a restaurant in Paris where you can get some marvellous French food.

Then we'll go to Monte Carlo, where I can get a friend to take us for a cruise around the Greek islands.

That's the only way to see them - slowly, by boat.

They're like fine paintings - you mustn't rush up to them.

We'll continue around the world, get back, and this building will be finished.

If you don't like this apartment you can have one of the others.

May I ask one question? Go on.

Did you just ask me to marry you?

No.

Oh. I didn't mean to mislead you.

Oh, you didn't.

You're very honest and I admire you for that.

Then you're not offended. No.

Well, then what is it?

I'm a little frightened of you.

Oh, I know many people who can't stand me.

I can stand you all right.

Now, Cathy, if this presents a problem...

You know, Mr Shayne, I feel I can trust you.

What would you advise me to do?

Oh, please, I'm hardly in a position to give advice.

But I respect your opinion.

That's like asking a man to testify against himself.

Cathy, you have rare qualities. You're direct, sincere, uncomplicated, the type of woman who brings out the worst in a man - his conscience.

Oh, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.

It's rather disturbing.

See, a man's conscience is generally in direct opposition to his best interests.

And, in your best interests, I'd better disqualify myself.

So this has to be your decision.

There's only one decision.

Get a lawyer, blackmail him, get a potful of money and go to Bermuda without him.

You're condemning him without even knowing him. You really are.

You should've heard him speak to the United Nations.

Khrushchev spoke there too! Would I let you go to Bermuda with him?

Connie, how can you compare them?

All I know is this, he did not try to lure me to Bermuda or anywhere else.

He was completely honest, a perfect gentleman.

A man meets you and in the same day asks you to live with him?

I met a guy with a diamond stick pin and a waxed moustache and even he waited until the second date.

If he's a perfect gentleman, waxed moustache is Albert Schweitzer.

OK, answer me this - why didn't he try to influence me when I asked for his advice?

Because that's the way he operates.

Some guys ride the subways pinching girls, he works out of a limousine.

But a pincher is a pincher.

Connie, I don't wanna hear another word against him.

OK, if that's the way you feel about it.

I tried.

What's this?

Some woman in Mr Shayne's office gave it to me.

Boy, has this guy got an organisation.

He even has a medical plan for his victims!

Not another word.


Connie.

Connie. Hmm? Huh?

What?

I think I'm in love.

Try to get some sleep, honey, you'll feel better in the morning.

Connie?

Mmm? You sleeping?

It's four o'clock.

Why would I be sleeping?

I've made a decision.

I'm not gonna go with him.

It's for the best.

Connie? Mmm?

When he calls, how do I tell him no without hurting his feelings?

Call this number, you'll get some good suggestions.

I wonder what shade of hair I ought to wear this week.

I didn't do too well as a blonde.

Raven. That wasn't bad.

I got whistled at by a bird.

Grey. Maybe they'll feel sorry for me.

Look, if you don't know how to tell him, when he calls I'll talk to him.

I'll talk to him.

But I just want to say it in a way that he won't think it any personal reflection on him.

You're worried about him?

Oh, boy, men really have this game beat.

For 2,000 years we have had their children, washed their clothes, cooked their meals and cleaned their houses.

What do they give us in return? The right to smoke in public.

We sold out for a cigarette.

And you don't even smoke.

Good morning, good morning!

It's a great day out. You're very happy, Roger.

Check that with Dr Gruber, it might be serious.

I had a wonderful night's rest. I've solved the trouble I have sleeping.

Just before you go to bed, put three tranquillisers in a jigger of brandy.

You still can't sleep but you're so relaxed you don't care.

Fancy that. People who sleep don't know what they're missing.

Here's your chance to analyse the Harrington report.

'Yes, Mr Shayne? ' Did you call Miss Timberlake yet?

'No, sir.' Cancel it.

Miss Timberlake? Yeah, the young lady from the automat.

What happened with her? Nothing.

I've been wrestling with my conscience all morning.

And I lost. That's an upset.

Her mother's a teacher, father's a druggist, brother's an eagle scout and she sang in the church choir.

To take her to Bermuda is a desecration of everything the Minutemen fought for.

You asked her to go away with you? Yes.

But you're not gonna take her. No.

What a terrible thing to do to me.

To you? I've built this image of a man, cold, ruthless, predatory, now you go do a decent thing like this to destroy that image.

You've set me back years in my analysis.

Oh, I'm ashamed of myself.

Well, Roger, if I've done anything human, I'll make it up to you.

Would it help if I fired every employee over 60?

No.

Hey, wait a minute, take the wrapper off. It's better that way.

11:30. He said he'd call first thing in the morning.

Well, now you don't have to worry about not hurting his feelings.

At least he should give me the courtesy of hurting his feelings.

A man picks you up off the street, takes you to his office, makes you take your clothes off and propositions you.

What can you expect from a man like that? Respect.

Respect. On that note of logic, I'll go to work.

He should've had the decency to call and get my answer.

Well, I'm not paying for you just to sit there. Do something! Ring!

Hello?

Yes, I'll talk to her. Hello, Cathy.

Weren't you supposed to call this morning?

I'm sorry, I didn't think I should under the circumstances.

What circumstances?

Cathy, I came to a decision.

I thought I was supposed to make this decision.

Yes, but considering the situation.

What situation?

Well, I'm sure Upper Sandusky is a delightful town but it hardly prepares a girl for this kind of situation.

I can see you don't know the girls in Upper Sandusky.

They're always prepared. I'm sure they are.

We're not unsophisticated rustics.

I'm not attacking you culturally. I'm sure you have fine libraries and museums.

We also have a home for girls.

We may not be as large as New York but we're just as progressive.

Last year we had a scandal at the country club...

I'm sure it's a zippy little community. Things are hoppin' up there!

I apologise. I should have called you and given you the opportunity of saying no.

You certainly should have. And I respect that decision.

What decision? Not to go.

I hate to disappoint you, Mr Shayne, but the answer is yes!

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure!

Unless you're thinking of backing... No.

I just suddenly see Upper Sandusky in a new light.

Will I be hearing from you? As soon as I make the arrangements.

Thank you. Thank you for calling.

Well, you heard. I tried to talk her out of it.

No, I brought her to throw money in your face. I delivered the sparrow to the hawk.

The sparrow's flying south. She'll need clothes so make the arrangements.

No. I will not dress the victim for sacrifice.

Bergdorf Goodman have a new line of sacrificial evening gowns.

I have waited years to tell you what you can do with your job, your salary, bonuses and fringe benefits.

Yes, Roger? I've waited this long.

And I can wait a little longer. Good. Wait over there, do it quietly.

So he insulted Upper Sandusky, this is no way to get even.

You're carrying civic pride too far.

OK, if your mind's made up, fine.

Send postcards.

Well, he did it.

Rasputin talked her into it.

Connie, look.


Miss Timberlake? Yes.

They're waiting for you at Bergdorf Goodman.

Who are you? Leonard. I'm assigned as coordinator.

Oh? What do you coordinate?

You.


Thank you very much.

Oh, Connie, please stop crying.

I'm only going around the world.

I know.

Oh, Cathy, you look so beautiful.

Just like a bride.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, Connie, I'm all right, really I am.

What can happen to me?

Oh, Connie, please, stop.

Connie.

Please?

I'm all right now.

Oh, Cathy, have a good trip.

Oh, I will. I'll write to you as soon as I get to Bermuda.

Oh, Cathy, you look lovely in that coat.

You mother would be so proud of you...

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Bye. Bye.

Enjoy yourself.

I think.

When she said she'd throw that money in his face she became a symbol of hope.

Look at her.

It's like watching Joan of Arc on her way to the fire.

'Good morning, welcome aboard flight 603.

'This is your pilot, Captain Miller. Your copilot is Captain Saunders.

'We will be cruising at 31,000 feet at an average speed of 500 miles an hour.

'We hope you will have a pleasant trip.'

Are you comfortable, Miss Timberlake? Yes, thank you.

Is this the off season for Bermuda. No, we're booked solid.

Mr Shayne bought every seat.

Oh! It's all right.


Cathy, you're too much. Here, let me take this.

Mr Shayne, everything was so expensive.

I told Leonard not to spend so much but he insisted.

Who's Leonard? He works for you.

Oh, he does? He coordinated me.

You know, he sort of put me together.

Well, no reflection on Leonard but he merely put a frame on a Renoir.


Here's your key, Mr Shayne.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Come along.

Stand there.

Don't move, don't go away.

Nowhere else in the world can you see beaches with pink sand.

Pirate ships used to anchor in that cove.

Only pirates from the best families, naturally. The others couldn't afford it.

There's the kitchen in case you get hungry in the night.

Oh, no. Once I get in bed I'm through.

I sleep like a rock.

I wish I had that faculty. Takes me hours to get to sleep.

Have you tried hot milk and butter?

No, I'm not that anxious to sleep.

I want you to look at something.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

No.

It means so much more when you can share it with someone.

How long will it take you to get ready?

For what? A swim.

Shall we go to the pool? Can you swim?

Oh, swim! That I can do.

If you'd like to change, I'll wait on the balcony.

No. A gentleman always allows the lady to undress first.


'She knows.'


'They know.'


'Everybody knows! '

I want to thank you for a wonderful day.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Will I see you tomorrow?

I imagine so.

Good. Good night.

I think I'm registered here.

Oh.


Is there anything you'd like?

How about a late movie?

All the theatres are closed.

We can watch one on television. There is no television.

What do people do here at night?

I mean, um, for entertainment.

I mean, um... to... pass the time.

They make up games, Cathy.

Simple, fun games.

Come over here.

Sit down.

Cathy, this is a very special place to me.

I've never brought a girl here before.

You're not sorry you came, are you?

What are you doing?

I'm kissing you. Do you mind?

Not if you don't.

Well, relax. I'll keep you informed of my every move.

You have a beautiful back.

My mother always made me sit up straight.

I'm grateful to your mother.

And such attractive shoulders.

Swimming was compulsory at high school.

I'm grateful to the public school system.

There's so much to be grateful for.

And so little time to be grateful.


Oh, I just remembered - I forgot my toothbrush. I'd better go back for it.

I always carry a spare.

But it takes me months to break in a new one.

The Hindus use twigs, they break them off the trees. We'll try that.

I'm going for a short walk. I'll go with you!

Stay here. Make yourself comfortable.

Philip! There's something you should know about me.

I have an uncle who's a socialist.

I respect you for telling me but what we have transcends all politics.


Hi. Hello.

Er, my name's Harry Clark.

Philip Shayne.

I just got married this afternoon.

Congratulations. How do you like married life?

I don't know yet.

I, er, came out for a smoke.

I thought I'd give Marie-Anne some time to, er...

Well, what is a decent interval for a fella to stay away?

How long have you been out here?

Two hours. That's as decent as you can get.

Marie-Anne's kinda shy.

I mean, psychologically, I want her to feel secure.

Harry?

She sounds secure.

Well, awfully nice to have met you. G- Good night.

Oh, good evening.

Good evening.

Do we know each other? I'm Dr Richardson, the hotel physician.

Oh. I wouldn't go in just yet.

What happened? The lady called to ask if we'd any sedatives and she sounded agitated so I came up.

Is she all right? Nothing serious, just a case of nerves.

May I ask a personal question, Mr Shayne?

Sure, go ahead. Is that Mrs Shayne in there?

Er... no.

That's strange, this reaction is more common amongst married women.

Is he back yet? Yes.

Don't let him come in! I don't want him to see me like this.

I won't.

All of a sudden I started breaking out.

I always get rashes when I'm nervous.

The ointment will take care of that.

Here, take this.

And get some sleep. I'll stop by in the morning.

Thank you. Oh, Doctor! Don't tell him about the rash.

Tell him I had a stroke or something. I'll be discreet.

Oh!

How is she? Fine. Needs a good night's rest.

Uninterrupted.

Naturally.

Had a case in 207 last week, honeymoon couple.

Lovely girl, barricaded herself in the bathroom.

Claimed her husband was making advances toward her.

The man should be horsewhipped. They're just not prepared.

We give them one semester of home economics and expect Madame DuBarry.

Mr Shayne?

Yes, Cathy?

Mr Shayne, I'm sorry. You couldn't help it.

But I don't want to ruin your evening. You go out without me.

It wouldn't be the same.

Don't worry. We'll go back to New York in the morning.

I know you've gone to great expense.

Plane, hotels, meals, tips...

If you add it all up, I'll be glad to pay half of it.

We'll figure it out in the morning.

Now, you get a good night's sleep, I'll be on the couch.

If you wake up and need anything, just call me.

I won't wake up. Once I get in bed, I'm through.

Yes, I know.

Will you be all right on the couch? Fine!

If you have trouble falling asleep, don't forget the hot milk and butter.

This may be the night for it.

Good night. Good night.

Oh, Mr Shayne! Yes, Cathy?

I just want you to know that, sick as I am, this has been the most wonderful day of my life.

I'll never forget it.

Neither will I.


Having trouble, too, huh?

Well...

Before you give them the mink coat they all talk a big game.

Now the lady gets headaches, she prefers to be alone.

What did you do? I belted her.

How about you?

Right across the chops.

We got a lot in common. We could pass for brothers.

Deal the cards.

Watch it, I cheat. So do I.

And in view of its growth potential, I strongly recommend purchase of said stock.

Send a copy to Mr Shayne, Victoria Hotel, Bermuda.

Yes, sir. Just a moment, Miss Jones.

I've been very curious about something for years.

Would you let your hair down? What?

Let your hair down.

Now take your glasses off.

Strange, always seems to work in the movies.

Miss Jones, do you see what I see? Where?

It's a miracle. Joan of Arc put out the fire.

Things went pretty badly? Pretty badly.

It was a disaster? That's what I like about you, no matter what calamity befalls others, you can still laugh about it.

It's a victory for the little people. How often does the sparrow down the hawk?

The baron of the boudoir shot down over Bermuda.

It had to happen sooner or later. I knew she was no ordinary woman.

She proved that all right. Something about her, purity, innocence, honour.

All virtues that drive a man to drink. What a lift this is for me.

There'll be dancing in Dr Gruber's office today.

Excuse me, sir. Miss Timberlake asked me to return these things to you.

Thank you, Collins.

Why do that? Why didn't she just keep them?

It upsets you, doesn't it?

The puppet master ran across a puppet who won't perform and then cuts all his strings.

She's become a symbol of hope to all of us who sold out for that touch of mink.

Roger!

You give us good salaries, paid vacations, insurance, you take away our problems and act like you've done us a favour.

Well, you haven't and some day there'll be an uprising and the masses will regain the misery they're entitled to.

Neurotics of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your psychiatrist.

Roger, I flew 800 miles to a tropical paradise to drink hot milk and butter.

I spent half the night playing gin rummy with a bookie. Not a memorable evening.

If you don't leave now, I'll raise your salary.

You're sadistic enough to do that.

If Miss Timberlake is your hope, you get together with her.

You, she and Dr Gruber will make a lovely couple.

You go back home for a few days and see your family, you'll feel better.

I don't want to feel better. I don't deserve it.

I was afraid of him. I thought I wasn't good enough for him.

Afraid I'd disappoint him.

So? You weren't asking for a letter of recommendation.

The minute he bolted that door I got panicky.

Of course. You're alone in a hotel room with a strange man, what would the average girl do?

Forget about the average girl, somebody as sensitive as you are is bound to get nervous.

Nervous? I broke out in a rash.

I know, I know.

I had exactly the same experience once.

This fellow and I stopped off at a roadside inn - never forget it.

Started shaking like a leaf, broke out in boils.

He was so sick I had to drive him home. It happens to everybody.

He was so understanding about it.

He didn't even get upset.

He just smiled.

It was so awful!

If only he'd got mad or yelled or hit me.

Men are so inconsiderate. And all that money he spent on me, he can't even deduct it, it's humiliating.

What is?

I'm not even important enough to be a tax loss.

Good morning, Roger. Morning, Doctor.

It's good to be home.

How are things in the investment world? Any good tips?

A new stock issue, Consolidated Wire. It's a great buy if you get in fast.

I still haven't heard from my mother, not that it bothers me but it has been two days.

I know what's wrong, she's in a snit. I forgot Grandpa's birthday.

She has a real problem with her father.

Let her analyst worry about that.

Doc, an exciting thing happened, I think I'm about to make a breakthrough.

I made a great discovery, Philip Shayne is just a man!

It took a woman to prove it.

There's this girl, let's call her... Cathy Timberlake...

Walter? Dr Gruber. What's Consolidated Wire?

12 and a half.

Buy me... 500 shares.

Yes, I got it from the usual source.

The way she stood up to him was inspiring.

I kept thinking what would I have done if I were in her shoes.

Unemployed, no money.

This very wealthy man sees me walking down the street, he's terribly attracted to me.

Had me brought up to his office, I have to admit he's quite charming.

After the usual preliminaries - dinner and dancing - he invites me to Bermuda. Just like that?

This is a forceful man, accustomed to getting his own way.

Uh-huh.

Get given a complete wardrobe, including a mink coat, flown to Bermuda, taken to the best suite, this man offers everything.

Excitement, comfort, security.

Believe me, Doc, it's not easy to turn down an offer like that.

No, it's not.

Roger, something quite urgent has come up.

Would you mind cutting the session short? No.

I want to see you in the morning. We should examine this new development.

Exciting, isn't it? Yes, that's... quite a breakthrough you've made.

Walter, Dr Gruber. Cancel that order for Consolidated Wire.

My informant has developed instabilities which make his judgement questionable.

Tell me when you're coming back and I'll meet you.

I will. Better hurry, you'll be late for work. I know. Have a good trip. Bye.

Bye.

Cathy! How did you miss the bus? You were on it.

I've changed my mind.

We can still catch it. I've got to go back there.

You are the husband, four children and a cottage type, this isn't you.

You got lucky once, it may not be a rash this time.

I can't let him think of me as I was last night. I want him to remember me as a woman.

It's important to me, I've got to prove to him I'm a woman.

There are easier ways to prove it.

Send him your birth certificate.

Mr Shayne, a long-distance phone call. It came through from your office.

Who is it? Do you know? No, sir.

All right. Thank you, Mario.

Hello? Philip, this is Cathy.

'Guess where I am.'

Disneyland?

Bermuda. At the hotel.

What are you doing there?

Waiting for you.

I already have plans for the evening. I have a few things to catch up on.

You could be here in two hours.

And I have a board meeting early tomorrow.

Is that what you'd rather see first thing in the morning?

That is something to think about.

And it's all just two hours away.

Er, just a minute.

Isabella, I have a hypothetical question to ask you.

Darling, what would you do if the situation were reversed?

Grazie.

I'm on my way.

Sorry to keep you this late but just one more letter.

To the Dean of Economics Department, Princeton University.

Dear Arnold, after an absence of six years I'm happy to announce I will soon be returning to the academic world.

It is my intention to fill the void created by my leaving...

Oh, Collins. Yes, sir?

Taking everything back? Oh, no, the airport.

Mr Shayne is flying to Bermuda. He's meeting Miss Timberlake.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Jones. We'll finish in the morning.

Good night. Good night.

Dr Gruber? Roger. I hate to bother you but something's come up.

Remember what I told you this morning? 'Yes.'

It's happening again. 'A trip to Bermuda? '

Yes, tonight.

You don't scare me.


Good evening, Mr Shayne. Good evening.

Cathy.

Cathy?

Cathy.

Cathy!

Hi!

See... no rash.

Well, that's something.

Cathy. Cathy...

Cathy! Did you drink this whole bottle?

Beats hot milk and butter.

Oh, for...

Come on, girl. Come on.

Come on, let's sit up.

There's a good girl. Sit up. That's right.

Are you glad you came here? Delighted. Come on.

I bet you never expected to hear from me again.

Oh, I had a premonition.

Can you stand up? Yeah!

Good.

I'm a real woman, huh? Yeah, irresistible.

Now, try to walk.

That's the idea.

There you are, that's right.

Do you like the way I walk?

You're poetry in motion.

I learned when I was a baby. Uh-huh.

I been walking for years. Oh.

Oh, dear.

Have you been drinking? Not yet.

Right, come on.

There. Now, just stand there, don't move.

Are you nervous?

Petrified.

Now, take a breath of fresh air. Come on, take a deep breath.

Is that good? Fine... Oop!

Now, just stand there. That's right.

I'll call down and get some coffee.

Room service, please. Hurry.

Hello, this is Philip Shayne. Send up some hot coffee right away.

As much as you can carry.

I need a chaser for a fifth of Scotch. Yes, I...

Don't move! Lie there.

Oh, dear.

I fell out of Mr Shayne's suite. See that I'm returned.

Luckily, the canopy broke her fall. Nothing but a sprained wrist.

Where's Mr Shayne? Wandered off. Seems to be in shock.

Can't say I blame him, the girl's hysterical one evening and plunges off his balcony the next.

Their relationship does leave something to be desired.

Hi. Hi.

I thought you left this morning. I did. Flew back.

How's the little lady?

Got another headache. How's yours?

Got loaded. Fell off the balcony.

I'm glad I book horses. Who can handicap women?

Can't win. Why do we keep betting on them?

It's like Adam said about Eve - "It's better than apples."

Isn't it? Yeah.

Deal the cards.

Thank you. Miss Jones, look!

The hawk has crashed again.

Call Dr Gruber. Cancel my appointment. Tell him things worked out well in Bermuda.

You can't just sit there for the rest of your life staring out the window.

Catherine, darling, look. I've baked you a kugel. Eat.

You need strength to suffer.

Believe me, no man is worth it.

You'll see, you'll get a job, work for 20 years and then you'll get a pension, who needs him?

Well, say something.

I just wanna die.

Did you hear that? She wants to die. Maybe it'll make her feel better.

No, no. Don't call one.

We better wait. I had a traumatic experience driving in the rain the other day.

Anything serious? No, just left me a little puddle-shy.

Let me ask you a question.

If you saw a stray kitten, helpless but very appealing, and every time you tried to pet it you got scratched, would you avoid it?

Naturally. Yet you can't leave it to starve, you've got a moral obligation to help it survive.

What does this kitten do? Works a computing machine.

We own American Credit Card, they use those machines.

Arrange for a job but keep my name out of it.

How do we contact this kitten? With extreme caution.

Don't worry, you go to work. I'll check and see that she's all right.

Boy, if I ever run across him again.

Excuse me, could you tell me... With pleasure.

What's wrong? It's him.

You...!

What happened?

Don't ask, get Herman.

Herman. Herman!

Herman, come here.

Get him!

What happened?

I was knocked down two flights of stairs and attacked by a dog.

This has been the most satisfying day of my life.

What started it?

When the cab crashed and the women started hitting me, I found out.

They had nothing against me, they thought they were hitting you.

Before I go to the hospital I wanted you to see what people think of you.

And you deserved everything I got.

I wonder what I've done.

The whole world's on credit and I'm going with a man who won't get married till he can pay for it in cash.

I told him people charge everything - hotels, department stores.

Some places won't even take money.

One of these days they'll even charge funerals - die now, pay later.

Stanley's cousin's in town. We could make it a foursome tonight.

Thanks, but I have to start billing the New England area tomorrow.

I need to memorise these code numbers.

Well, that'll be more interesting than Stanley's cousin.

See you in the morning. Night.

How do you like working here, Miss Timberlake?

Fine, thank you. I just hope I do well.

And if you don't, who's going to fire you? My friend works in personnel.

When the call came from Mr Shayne's office to hire you it was like panicsville.

Have you ever seen a herd of vice presidents stampede?

Mr Shayne recommended me for this job?

Recommended? Honey, you are in for a labour-management relationship Walter Reuther never dreamed of.

If you sneeze, they tear out the air conditioning system.

Well, that's life.

I'm glad one of us girls made it.

You don't have to feel sorry for me, Mr Shayne.

I'll get my own job. I don't need your help.

If I never work again, at least I've done it on my own.

I'm not like these machines where you push a button and it does what you want it to do.

Push all you want, you're not gonna push my buttons.

I'm not a robot, I'm people.

And I quit!


Telephone, Mr Shayne. Thank you, Mario.

Hello?

She did what to the machines?

I'll be right there.

This is how I found it when the night watchman called me.

It's awful. Buffalo gone. Hartford, Connecticut almost wiped out.

31,000 accounts.

This man had breakfast at a Howard Johnson drive-in, he's being billed for $128,000.

Hm, it's that second cup of coffee that gets you.

It'll take weeks to straighten out.

Do the best you can.

It's sabotage! She's an undercover agent for the Diners Club.

No. No, I'm the one who placed this atom bomb here.

I should have dropped her over the desert.

I've no one to blame but myself.

I felt sorry for this helpless kitten. Helpless? She ought to be declared a disaster area.

She's not the run-of-the-mill girl, is she? No. Even Darwin never figured on her.

The Four Horsemen now have a riding companion.

There's War, Famine, Death, Pestilence and Miss Timberlake.

Sir, this special delivery letter just came for you.

Thank you.

It's from her. Open it.

I should put it in a tub of water. Go on, open it.

Calm down, I'm opening it.

"Dear sir, "Enclosed is an itemised statement of all expenses incurred by you on my behalf.

"This includes plane fare, hotel, meals, tips and doctor's bills, "which comes to a total of $729.40.

"It is only an estimate. If your figure differs, please let me know.

"Enclosed is money order covering first payment."

Three dollars? That's integrity.

"You will receive a money order for a similar amount each week

"until the entire obligation is discharged.

"With best wishes for your continued success, Cathy Timberlake."

What a future, three dollars a week for life.

I think it's touching. She has character. She's a menace.

Roger, I'm a man who leads an orderly life, you know that.

I close doors and tighten bottle tops.

Miss Timberlake is a bottle wandering around with a loose top.

She can't hold a job, she destroys everything she touches.

She should get married. Only a husband is equipped for such a beating.

That's it. Roger, you have plenty of friends, find her a husband.

A simple, dull, unimaginative man who will smile tolerantly when he learns she's misplaced the children.

Return it, mark it address unknown.

Dr Gruber? Roger. I hope I'm not interrupting.

Not at all. I received your message. Things worked out well in Bermuda?

There's been a fantastic development! He's mentioned marriage.

And how do you feel about this?

Naturally, I'm delighted. He just left me and I tell you this is the real thing.

I see.

Roger, I'll be away for a while.

I think I'd better go back to Vienna for a refresher course.

He doesn't love me, he just feels sorry for me.

Doesn't love you? He compared you to the plague.

What else could it be? He wants me to marry another man.

I drew up a list of 20 eligible bachelors and turned he them all down. Why?

This one had a low hairline and this one graduated from Purdue.

He even turned him down. Rock Hudson?

He said you'd have to live in California.

When he talks about a simple, dull, unimaginative husband, he means himself.

He didn't say he was in love.

It's like having a baby, the man is always the last one to know.

And how do we awaken him? Not with a kiss but with a sledgehammer.

But I'm going away with Beasley. It has to be a Beasley.

If he's as repulsive as you say. Worse.

How about running away with you? No, he'd admire your choice.

It has to be someone inferior.

To shatter Philip's ego you have go off with the lowest human you can find.

That's Beasley. He's so low when they bury him they'll have to dig up.

Mr Beasley, please. We're doing this for Philip, it's for his own good, and yours too.

He's a very nice man and I'm the last one to admit it.

Even if it worked, it wouldn't be honest. I'd be tricking him.

It's a terrible way to get a man. Let's re-examine...

Stop pressing her.

You have now arrived at the crossroads that every woman eventually arrives at, you can either be an honest old maid or a happy liar.

'Hello? ' Hello.

This is Catherine Timberlake.

Well, hello there.

Come on.

I've been thinking about you.

'I wonder if I could, er, reconsider your invitation, Everett.'

I'm not one to hold grudges.

Tonight?

We could have a TV dinner at my apartment.

Asbury Park.

Er, I've heard of this charming place in, er Asbury Park.

It's, er...

Al's Motel.

That's a long drive. What time do you have to be home?

Oh... it all depends.

On what?

Oh... Everett.

I'll borrow my brother-in-law's car. Pick me up at five.

And I'll be waiting... Everett.

Ooh! He's like a snake. When he smiles, he rattles.

He'll pick you up at five and at one minute past five I'll drop the bombshell on Mr Shayne's lap.

What if he doesn't follow us? We're dealing with a monumental ego.

You'll never get halfway to Asbury Park.

My brother-in-law's car is being repaired but he let me have this.

On the way back we have to make a delivery for him in Hoboken.


You've got to follow her. Why?

She's going away with another man. She's lost her confidence with you.

OK, send her a box of confidence.

Don't you realise what will happen?

Nothing will happen, I speak as a veteran of two Bermuda campaigns.

But she's in love with you.

She has a fine way of showing it. She's afraid of you.

What does that mean? She's not afraid of him.

She doesn't care what he thinks. That's how it happens.

Get my clothes.

Get me a hairbrush, a comb, get me everything.

Where's my driver? He went out to eat, sir.

Who sent him to eat? You did.

Cab!

Asbury Park. Al's Motel.

This girl I've gotta see.

Go on, hurry.

Who is this man? He's a clerk at the unemployment office.

How naive can she be?

What does she think he's taking her there for? An aptitude test?

Haven't you ever seen a man dress before? Give me my shirt.

Al's Motel! Sounds like a place where you bring your own light bulbs.

Why would she do that? He's a man and she's a woman.

That's the most dangerous combination to turn loose in a motel.

Please, keep your eye on the road.

When I called for the reservation I talked to the proprietor.

He said we could use the burner in his kitchen to heat up the TV dinners.

We're having haddock.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, yes. That'd be fine. Let's stop for one.

No need to. I thought of everything.

Muscatel. For my lady's pleasure.

There's some paper cups in the glove compartment.

Would you mind stopping at the service station for a minute?

Oh, of course.

Can't you go any faster? This cab's got 300,000 miles on her.

Would you ask your grandmother to run the high hurdles?

Why am I chasing her? I should be grateful to the man.

Freud had a theory about that.

If he'd ever met this girl, he'd have opened a delicatessen.

Yes.

Freud's Famous Frankfurters.

Would you mind pulling into that station?

Sure.


That convertible ahead, catch up to it. I'm doing 70 now.

I'll burn out a bearing.

Maybe they'll stop off for dinner.

When a girl's taken to a place called Al's Motel, she better not count on dinner.


Amazing.

I told you she wouldn't make it. She's gone.

We'll see that she gets a decent burial. Roger, give him a cheque.

First phone for another cab. He'll be right back.

Do you know Asbury Park? Yeah.

A place called Al's Motel? Yeah.

50 bucks if you get me there.

Well, it's a little out of my way.

Here.

Hop in the back. Right. In the...? Oh.


Oh!

But there's the motel, we'll be in in a few minutes.

You register and I'll meet you inside.

OK. But when you get back to New York, you ought to have a checkup.

This is it. Thank you.

A man spends an entire lifetime trying to lead a civilised, dignified, orderly existence and then he meets a girl, five days later he's running round New York in a bath towel, riding in a truck filled with dead chickens, tracking her down to this beaverboard Taj Mahal.

And poets call it love. No wonder they starve.

Oh, the nuts you pick up on the road.

Hi. How do you do?

Did a couple just register here? A blonde about so high?

Yeah! About ten minutes ago. Mr and Mrs Smith.

That's them. Are you a friend of the happy couple?

I gave the bride away.

They're in the bridal suite. I'll ring them. No. Let me surprise them.

Oh. All right, where is she?

Who? Mrs Smith.

She's in there, changing. Into what?

Now just a moment.

What she ever saw in you...

Come out of there! What right have you got?

Every right. I least I took her to a hotel, not a rabbit hutch.

She went to a hotel with you? She collects hotel keys.

Are you coming out?

Congratulations, my friend. You've got a great little girl there.

Who was that man?

You librarians live it up pretty good.

He didn't follow me and Beasley's checking in. What shall I do?

Don't fall apart, keep your head.

Remember your girl scout training.

We never covered a situation like this.

Stall for time. Go to the ladies' room.

I already hit every gas station between Newark and Asbury Park.

Oh, what made me think it would work?

Why should he follow me? He doesn't love me.

Oh, Connie, if only he'd show up. I'd fall on the ground and kiss his feet...

Oh, Mr Shayne.

What a pleasant surprise.

Erm, are you stopping at the same motel we are?

Don't press your luck. Kiss his feet!

Did you drive up with anyone?

Yes, a plucked chicken.

Oh. Maybe the four of us can get together later for a drink.

Oh, honey. You're blowing the whole thing.

Hang up the phone. I will not.

Hang up that phone.

This is no time to argue. Get married first, then fight.

Hello?

My lover's waiting for me.

After we're married, I'll invite him over.

We can't get married, I have problems. We'll work on them.

I'm unstable. What kind of mother would I make?

If you fail, we can breed poodles.

I also lie. And I can't stand Beasley. It was a trap to get you to follow me.

And don't forget the rashes.

Put your hands in.

Hey!

Hey, come back! I've already paid for the room!

Did a couple just check in? Blonde woman about this high?

Yeah. Number 9.

But what was I to think when...

You believe I never cared for another man till you walked into the library?

Of course! I won't be long.

All right, where is she?

You're even more repulsive than she said. No wonder she begged me to come.

It's me, Roger.

Hello?

Mother! You were right about women.

Yes, Momma. I'll wait outside.

Come and get me.

Nothing serious, just another rash. Quite common on honeymoons.

I would recommend an uninterrupted night's sleep.

Naturally.

Cathy!

Yes, darling? I'm so sorry.

You couldn't help it.

But it never happened before.

You've never been in this situation before - married.

Hmm, that could be it.

I just had a horrible thought. What?

You break out when we're not married, I do when we are, we may never get together.

If that's what you think, you don't know the girls in Upper Sandusky.

Roger, take care of the baby, will you? I want to take a picture of Cathy.

Come along, dear.

Dr Gruber!

Roger.

How was Vienna? I just got back.

I've been meaning to call you.

What happened with that friend of yours?

The wedding was last July.

How did it work out?