The Absent Minded Professor (1961) Script

Energy takes on many forms.

Example, what do we know of acoustical energy?

It was discovered by a famous scientist, right? Wrong.

We must give full credit to an Italian tenor who, one night, was singing an aria in a Milano pizza parlor.

You all know the story, how he hit a high note, and the sound waves shattered a wine glass on the other side of the room.

Watch me, and I will show you acoustical energy at work.

Proud are we of mighty Medfield Alma mater dear All your sons and daughters hail to thee Medfield College of Technology And while we hold your banner high Rah, rah We shout your praises to the sky Rah, rah For proud are we of mighty Medfield Loyally we cheer Medfield, Medfield Rah, rah, rah Our Alma mater dear


Your next assignment will be, uh...

Oh, I forgot.

There'll be no assignment. See you next week.

Here we are. The beginning of the end.

Point of no return. The last mile.

Now, Shelby.

All right.

"Of all sad words of tongue and pen, "the saddest are these, 'It might have been'."

Shelby, you promised. Now, stop.

Did I promise to stop loving you?

Just open the door, and let me out.

Suppose he doesn't show up this time. He will.

Oh, Reverend. How nice to see you.

You must be getting awfully tired of my wedding.

Third time's the charm, they say.

But I am glad that this time you brought the bridegroom with you.

At last we meet, Professor Brainard.

Uh, no. This is Professor Ashton. He's romance languages.

Professor Brainard is physical chemistry.

Oh, dear me. I seem to have made a mistake.

Not you, sir. It's Miss Carlisle's mistake.

In fact, I've just been trying to talk her out of this hideous blunder.

Shelby, you are speaking of the man I love.

Love, darling, is a bouquet of fragrant hyacinths, not a beaker of heavy hydrogen.

Am I right, sir? I merely perform the service.

I don't take sides.

Betsy! Well, well. Here comes the bride.

Reverend. Good evening, Professor.

And Professor Ashton, all the way from Rutland University.

Aren't you on the wrong campus, Professor?

Miss Carlisle was kind enough to invite me.

Yes, yes, I remember. Seems there was talk that you, too, were a contender for Betsy's hand.

Well, Rutland can't win them all, eh, Professor?

Oh, it was so sweet of you to go to all this trouble.

And for the third time too.

Well, you know the old saying, third time's the charm.

That's exactly what I just said.

Well, I'm sick and tired of having a spinster for a secretary. That's all.

I better go upstairs and change. The guests will be coming soon.

The bridegroom too, I hope.

Don't worry. I've alerted his housekeeper.

She'll see that he gets here.

The ring is in Your right side pocket


Professor Brainard!

Square root of E minus C, alpha G

No. No, don't stop.

Don't stop. Keep going.

Keep going. Please don't stop.

Not again. Professor!

Bum-bum-ba-bum Time for you to get dressed!

Just five more minutes, Mrs. Chatsworth.

Just five more minutes.

Merciful heavens, what are you doing?

I'm trying to solve the secrets of the universe, Mrs. Chatsworth, and failing...

Failing miserably.

Yes, well, you're stopping right now. Do you know what time it is?

You've been working here all afternoon.

Mrs. Chatsworth, I've been working for three long months.

Pardon me.

I've been working on something important...

Very important.

More important, I suppose, than getting married?


Oh! Oh!

Mrs. Chatsworth, I don't know what I'd ever do without you.

Oh, go on! You're getting a wonderful girl.

If you ask me, she's too good for you.

Thanks, Mrs. Chatsworth. I love you too.

Don't you worry about a thing.

I'll be in the first thing in the morning to feed the dog.

Oh, what's the matter with me? Is anything wrong?

What a lunkhead I am. Instead of minus, it should be plus.

So, the molecular configuration of A... almost the same as that of B.

Therefore, if I just don't worry about A throwing off a little free hydrogen, it could stand a few degrees more centigrade.

Any child knows that.

Yes, but remember, I promised that dear, sweet girl I'd have you there on time.

Yes, Mrs. Chatsworth. And Professor, may I say, "Happy honeymoon." You certainly may, Mrs. Chatsworth.

And the same to you.

Miscalculation's been staring me in the face for weeks.

Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.

Right, Charlie?

All right, Charlie, cross your fingers.

Now. Good.

Good. Very good.

That's good.





Now we're cooking, Charlie!

We may be in business yet.

It's just awful. Poor darling.

What ails the man? Missing his own wedding three times?

Well, he might still show up.

You know the old saying, third time's the charm.

I say three strikes, and you're out!

Thank you all for coming. I... I'll return your presents in the morning.

I hope you can get your money back.

I'm sorry, after all the trouble you've gone to.

I'll be at the office at the usual time in the morning.

Now, my dear... I want to go on as if nothing has happened.

Shelby, I don't seem to have an escort.

Would you mind waiting? I'm yours to command.

Oh, Betsy.

Oh, hello, Charlie.

Go back to bed now.

Let's go back to sleep, hmm?


What happened?

What happened?

Well, that's the end of that.

Get away, Charlie. Get away, Charlie. Get away, Charlie.

I'm not sure what we've got here, Charlie.

But if we've got what I think we've got, we've got something.

There's one way to find out.


Yes. Yes, Charlie. We've got it.

You see what's happening? It's not going lower and lower.

It's going higher and higher.

You know what that means, Charlie?

It means just one thing, it's generating its own energy.

You know what that means, Charlie?

It means we've discovered a new kind of energy.

A new kind of energy, Charlie.

It's a breakthrough. A breakthrough, Charlie.

Discovered substance X.

In appearance, subscribes to classical requirements...

Of metastable compound, but whose behavior is distinctly nonclassical.

Hypothesis, the application of external force triggers a molecular change, liberating energy of a type previously unknown.

Well, Charlie, I suppose you think these are just rubber balls, or maybe a flying rubber ball?

But do you know what this really is?

Of course you don't. How could you? We've just discovered it.

We've got to give it a name, Charlie.

Let's see... Flying rubber.

Flying rubber. Flubber?

All right.

Substance X...

We dub thee... Flubber!

Well, if our flubber's going to be of any use to anyone, we've got to control it, right?

So, we take an ordinary radioactive isotope.

Now, a sliding shutter to let just the right amount of gamma rays through to bombard the flubber.

Now, we put it under here, so that we can bombard the flubber with gamma rays to trigger the molecular change, which is certainly more scientific than kicking it or bouncing it around the room.

All right. Here we go.

Eureka! It works!

Perfect control.

Now we ease off on the gamma rays.

And back to Earth.

Light as a daisy.

Just as I thought.

Just as I thought, Charlie.

Weight makes absolutely no difference.

Just shoot up a few extra gamma rays.

Isn't that wonderful, Charlie?

Professor! Are you still here, Mrs. Chatsworth?

What are you doing? What about the wedding?

Oh, I can still make it, Mrs. Chatsworth. It's only five minutes to 8:00.

Yes, five minutes to 8:00 in the morning.

In the morning?

No! No, I didn't do it again.

I, I gotta go see Betsy and tell her what happened.

I, I know what you're thinking, Mrs. Chatsworth.

But don't you worry. Everything's gonna be all right.

When I tell Betsy what I've got, she's gonna be the happiest girl in the world.

Mrs. Chatsworth, don't you tell a soul, but I've discovered flubber.

That poor, poor girl.

My dear, are you sure it was wise to come in today?

Oh, I'm perfectly all right.

Mr. Alonzo Hawk, President of the Auld Lang Syne loan company, et cetera, et cetera.

My dear Mr. Hawk, during the past few days, I have been disturbed by rumors that you plan to take possession of our campus and construct a housing tract thereon.

Oh, surely, he wouldn't. Not even Mr. Hawk.

Let's hope not, my dear, but the situation requires delicate handling.

But he's an alumnus!

My dear girl, our esteemed alumnus made an extremely large loan to the college.

That loan is overdue, and Mr. Hawk has us...

If you forgive a pertinent expression, over a barrel.

However, my dear Mr. Hawk, I am quite confident that I can, uh, demonstrate how an extension of your loan would be in the best interest to all of us.

I should like to suggest a meeting at the earliest opportunity that would be convenient to you.

Naturally, I shall make myself available...

Psst! However...

Don't be angry. I'm sorry I missed the wedding again.

Look, I couldn't help it.

Don't be angry.

Go. Get out of here.

I don't want to see you.

I was working in the laboratory and an explosion...

The whole thing blew up. Boom.

Go. Get out of here.

I do not wanna see you.

I hit my head and fell on the floor.

I, I was knocked out. Knocked out.

Go. Get out.

The most wonderful thing happened. Wait till you hear.

Look. Flubber.

I shall make myself available at any time you should care to name.

Fuh-lubber. Flubber.

No. Uh, make that, of the most supreme importance.

Flubber. It's called fuh-lubber.

Fuh-lubber. Flubber.

Flubber. Flubber.

Flubber. Watch.

Oh, uh, good morning, sir.

I'd like to speak to Miss Carlisle, if I may. It's quite important.

Betsy, I...

Sir, I just want to tell her I'm sorry I missed the wedding.

Betsy, I have the most wonderful thing to tell you.

The most wonderful thing you can tell me is good-bye.

In which I heartily concur. This way, please.

Oh, now, just a minute, President Daggett.

If you'd just give me a chance to explain to her, I'm sure she'd forgive me for everything.

Anything you would have to say will be entirely superfluous.

Kindly take your ball and go.


Why, Mr. Hawk, what a pleasant surprise.

I want a word with you, Daggett.

Splendid! I, too, have been wanting to have a chat about our little loan.

That'll be all, Professor Brainard. Brainard.

Is this the one you call "Neddie the nut"?

That's right, Pop, and I wish you wouldn't make a federal case out...

Do you know this man flunked my boy?

No, Mr. Hawk.

Mr. Hawk, I welcome this opportunity.

Sometimes if the teacher and the parent of the backward student can get together... "Backward"?

May I remind you, sir, that it was Hawk brains that founded this town?

Hawk brains that built it? And you have the gall to say that my boy, who proudly bears the name of Hawk, is backward?

Pop, I'd just as soon forget the whole thing.

Will you shut up when I'm talking?

I wish I could show you his examination paper, Mr. Hawk.

Not only did he miss every answer, he even misspelled the name of the college.

Professor, do you mind?

I'd like to discuss the matter alone with Mr. Hawk.

Well, this means my boy can't play in the big game tonight against Rutland, doesn't it?

Where's your school spirit, flunking your star player?

I don't think this is the kind of a place a man would wanna lend a half a million dollars to.

Mr. Hawk, we happen to have principles here at Medfield.

I offered to help Biff, give him a make-up exam, but he couldn't be bothered.

All right, so he's ineligible.

And none of your vague promises about lending the school money is going to change that.

Mr. Hawk has already loaned the money. The school is very grateful.

Professor, I rejoice in your sense of ethics.

But do you mind terribly if I speak for myself?

Mr. Hawk... Hold it!

I came here to have my say, and I've said it.

But, Mr. Hawk, a moment of your time.

I'd like to discuss our loan. Oh, you'd like to discuss our loan?

Well, I have an office downtown for that!

And you might bring along some of those high-flown principles of yours...

And see how much they're worth in cold cash!

Come on, Biffer!

Get me the file on wealthy alumni, the one marked "Double-A emergency."

We have some letters to write! Yes, sir.

Betsy, you've got to let me explain what happened.

Then you'll understand why I missed the wedding.

Please, listen to me, Betsy.

All right, go ahead. I'd like that.

For once, I would really like to understand.

Well, darling, like most things that seem complicated, it was actually quite simple.

You see, all along, I was thinking in terms of magnetic energy, when what I was after all the time was repulsive energy.

Silly, but you know how you get carried away with an idea.

Yes, I know.

Now, if it hadn't been for this lucky explosion, I might never have found it.

See, the application of external thermal energy to two previously incompatible metastable compounds brought about fusion at high temperature, combustion, the release of explosive gases and an accompanying residue.

And do you know what that residue was, Betsy?



Flubber. Well, it's been thrilling.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

You know, Betsy, never in my wildest dreams did I hope to find a metastable compound whose molecular configuration is such that the delivery of minute particles of energy to its surface would trigger a change in the configuration.

You see, this change in molecular configuration liberates enormous quantities of energy.

But they act only in a direction opposite that of the force which triggered the molecular change.

That's why we call it "Repulsive energy."

That's the way I feel about it.

Strangely enough, Betsy, the total effect is transient.

And upon the shutting off of the externally applied energy, the elemental particles return to a state of pseudo-equilibrium.

Isn't that wonderful? Yes.

And now that I clearly understand what happened to my wedding, will you excuse me, please?

President Daggett and I have some very important work to do, such as, I hope, saving the college.

But Betsy, don't you see? This can save the college.

It could be worth millions. Do me a personal favor?

Go bounce your ball somewhere else.

Well, we'll talk it out tonight, Betsy. I'll pick you up for the game.

Well, I guess we shook them up a little, huh?

Nobody's gonna push us around. You're kidding, aren't you, Pop?

I mean, about closing down the college and turning the grounds into a housing tract?

Son, I'm gonna teach you some of the facts of life.

The small college, like the small country store and the little drug store, they're all in the same boat. Well, they're sinking.

Today is the day of the supermarkets, the super colleges.

The little man is gonna get squashed.

But you graduated from Medfield. It's your college.

All right, so what do you want?

Some total stranger to close it down?

Or some loyal, friendly alumnus to take care of things?

But isn't there something you could do?

I mean, give 'em some more time on the loan or something?

Now, look, son, I'm sentimental about Medfield just like you, but it's like shooting a horse that has a broken leg.

I want to do it to put it out of its misery.

Now, if I happen to make a few extra bucks on the side, well, that's just something you're going to have to learn to accept.

Yes, sir.

Oh, about the game tonight.

Has the word gotten around that you're not playing?

Not that I know of. Not yet.

Say, Lenny, see what the point spread is on the Medfield Rutland game tonight, will you?

How much you wanna go for?

Oh, whatever the traffic will bear. 8,000 or 10,000 bucks.

Pop, you're not betting on Medfield?

Without me on the team, we'll get murdered.

Who said I'm betting on Medfield?

You're not betting against us?

Now, son, we have access to some very valuable information about that game tonight.

There's an old saying, "It's an ill wind that doesn't blow a few extra bucks into the coffers

"of the Auld Lang Syne loan company."

Get the point?

Now, Charlie, when we pull down the spark lever, this shutter opens and releases the gamma rays.

And up goes the flubber, and up goes the car.

Then, we pull down on the gas lever, and this shutter opens and the car goes forward.

Now, when we press on the brake pedal, this shutter opens and the gamma rays bring the car to a stop.

Or, if we open the shutter a little farther, the car goes in reverse.

Now, Charlie, suppose we get a little tired of just going straight ahead.

So, we turn the wheel to the right, and we bank to the right.

Turn the wheel to the left, and we bank to the left.

Well, that's about it, Charlie.

The important thing is that nobody finds out about this, except Betsy, of course.

Now, just so people don't ask too many questions, we'll put this under the hood so it'll sound like a regular old Model T.

That ought to do it, eh, Charlie?

Now all they'll say is, "Well, Professor. Ha, ha.

"See you finally got that old collector's item of yours in running order."

All right, Charlie, we're all set.

All clear, Charlie.

Now, I'll get your safety belt.

Now this side. Good dog.

Now, sound on.

Lights on.

And gas lever down.

Hang on to your hat, Charlie.

Ah, it handles beautifully, Charlie.

We don't need these up here, do we?

There, that's better, huh?

Now. Now, watch this, Charlie.

Not bad, eh, Charlie?

Let's open her up and see what she'll really do.


Well, look what we've got down there.

Look out, girls. Here we come.

Look out, Charlie!

I'll have to watch where I'm going, huh? Yeah.

Charlie, I've got an idea.

Why don't we fly over and drop in on that certain someone, huh?

That lovely, adorable Betsy of mine Oh, won't she be happy Sweet Betsy of mine When we take her flyin' That Betsy of mine She'll hug me and tell me She's not really sore That lovely, adorable Betsy of mine

Can you imagine what she'll say when she sees this, Charlie?

Was there something you wanted?

Yes. I'd like to speak to Miss Carlisle, if you don't mind.

I'm afraid I do, old man.

Miss Carlisle and I are just leaving for the game. Ready, dear?

Yes, Shelby. Betsy, before you go...

Excuse us, please.

Betsy, please come over here with me, if you don't mind.

I have the most wonderful thing to show you.

Ned, I am trying not to be angry. Now, please, don't make a scene.

I'm not making... Yes, old man.

Haven't you caused Miss Carlisle enough embarrassment?

Come on, Betsy. Now look, you stay out of this!

Betsy, it's a surprise. It's a sort of wedding present.

Just what every girl dreams about.

It's not the car, Betsy. It's what's inside the car.

And I can't show it to you with him around. Now, would you excuse us?

Betsy! Betsy, wait!

Betsy, you know what I was telling you about this morning in the office?

I mean, about my discovery?

I want to show you what I've done with it. It's terrific.

All I want you to do is take one ride around the block with me.

Just one little ride, Betsy.

Hey, how'd it go?

Was a cinch. All the loot's down, but I had to give 'em six to one.

Cheap at the price. Get back on the phone.

See if you can find any more of that kind of money.

I'm afraid it isn't Medfield's night.

My dear, victory isn't everything.

"To love the game beyond the prize, "to honor, while you strike him down, the foe that comes with fearless eyes."

Excuse me. Ah, Professor.

Pardon me, please.

Late as usual, I see.

Come on, Medfield!

Sure hate to see you betting against our own team.

Betting? Why, this isn't betting. This is like making it in the cellar.

Oh, if Biff Hawk were only playing tonight.

Ah, yes, yes. I heard he was ineligible.

Now, I wonder who could've flunked your star player?

We're much more realistic about things like that at Rutland.

So I hear.

I understand you pay your basketball players more than you do your English teachers.

That's ridiculous! I get twice as much as...

I really don't care to discuss it.

Our poor boys. They try so hard.

Yes. I feel sorry for people who don't know when they're beaten.

Don't you, Professor?

Now, Shelby, please don't start anything.

Why doesn't he go down and sit in the Rutland section where he belongs?

I'm sorry.

It's not fair. Our team can't even reach the ball.


Yes, poor little chaps. I'd say they need some kind of a lift.

Why don't they try elevator heels?

Very funny.

Elevator heels.

Pardon me. Pardon me, please.

There's more than one way to skin a cat, Charlie.

She won't ride in my car with me. Okay.

She won't listen to me. Okay.

So, we're gonna surprise her, Charlie.

More than that, we're gonna flubbergast her.

Boys, what can I say?

I'm proud of you.

They're murdering us, but I'm proud of you.

Remember, you're like sons to me, all of you.

How do you think I feel?

Do you think it's easy, sitting on that bench watching you guys out there gettin' your ears pinned back?

Well, let me tell you this.

I've coached a lot of teams in my day, but I've never seen a harder fighting bunch than you boys right here.

You got heart. I mean, real heart.

Coach, do we really have to go back out there?

Look, I know how you feel, son.

But remember this, a team that won't be beaten...

Well, Professor!

Oh, hello, Coach. Something the matter?

Or maybe something on your conscience?

No, no, no. I just dropped by to see if there was anything I could do.

Oh, I am sorry that I had to flunk Biff Hawk, if that's what you mean.

Well, it's a little late for apologies, don't you think?

One minute, Coach.

Okay. All right, boys, get ready.

Starting lineup same as the first half.

Fellas, it's too bad Biff didn't keep his grades up, but that's one of those things.

Just remember, one man doesn't make a team.

And I tell you, you can go out in this second half and beat Rutland.

You can win this game.

Oh, sure, we can. Yes, you can!

Because I know something about you that you don't know.

They're twice as big as we are, but that doesn't make any difference now.

No difference at all. They could be 10 feet tall, and we could still beat them.

Yes, we could!

You can beat Rutland if you go out there and give it all the drive and the bounce you've got.

Remember that word, bounce. Bounce.

And when you bounce, remember this, no matter how much you put into it, you're going to get twice as much out of it.

Now, get out there, fellas, and hop to it.

Come on, Rutland. Mow them down!

Say, what's goin' on out there?

What got into them? I don't know!

Maybe it was that pep talk Professor Brainard gave them.

Well, what did he say? I wish I could remember!

Go, Medfield! Go!

Will you listen to me?

I tell you, there's something fishy going on out there!

All right, what? You tell me!

Well, how do I know! Something!

Well, what am I supposed to do?

There's nothing in the rule book that says one team can't jump higher than the other.

Now get back to your bench.

Gosh, Pop, look at 'em go! Look it!

I'm looking!

Come on, Medfield! Come on, team!

Come on, Medfield!

Come on, team! Oh, look at 'em go. Aren't they terrific?

Sorry, Pop, I forgot. Come on, team!

Hey, chief, what do you know?

Lenny just laid off another five Gs against Medfield.

Against Medfield? Thank you so much. You meathead!

Don't you know what's going on out there?

Shoot, Humphrey! Shoot!

Go, go!

We did it! Sure, we did it.

The reason I did it, Betsy, is because you wouldn't listen to me.

What do you mean you did it?

Well, you saw the way the boys played tonight.

The only reason they could play like that is because of my discovery.

You see, I took their shoes...

Surely, you're not taking credit for Medfield winning tonight?

Well, in a way, yes. Now, I've heard everything.

To watch those boys out there tonight, fighting, playing their hearts out to win, and now to hear you standing here taking the bows for it.

Well, I didn't mean it that way exactly.

Pretty small, Brainard. That's all I can say.

Pretty small.

Well... Come on, let's go.

No, Betsy! Betsy, wait a minute. Let me...

Shelby, please give me time to think.

Of course, darling.

You can give me your answer tomorrow night after the dance.

And I think I know what it'll be.

Good night, my love.

Good night, Shelby.

You've probably always thought of me as a kindly levelheaded professor, haven't you, Charlie?

Well, now you see what a woman can do to you.

I'm a desperate man, Charlie, and desperate men do desperate things.

Lights off, sound off and up we go.

Officer! Officer!

Officer, help me! It's after me! Help me!

I do hope that you will excuse my appearance, but I was just having a cup of boiling hot coffee.

But it's after me! What's after you?

I don't know. Some kind of a thing!

A thing? Can you describe it?

No, I didn't see it. But it flies!

And it, and it, and it made a noise.

Like, uh, "Aaoogah, ahoogah."

And then it banged down on the top of my car, "Voom! Voom! Voom!"

And when I looked, there wasn't anything there.

Ohh! That kind of a thing.

Well, suppose you blow into this little thing, and we'll see if we can't find out where it came from, all right?

Well, do something. It's probably lurking up there in the dark right now, ready to spring! Go on!

Don't, don't worry. We won't let it get you.

Now, come on, blow, okay?

This is outrageous. You're behaving like savages!

I happen to be Professor Ashton, head of the English department at Rutland college, and a very important person there.

Well, now, in that case, this ought to be easy for an English teacher.

Can you say, "Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers"?

Have you gone mad?

Or, perhaps you'd prefer, "Round the rugged rock, the ragged rascal ran."

I'll say no such idiotic thing.

We are not being very cooperative, now, are we?

Come on. Blow into this. We'd appreciate it very much.

I'll do no such thing. I'll... I'll...


Having a little trouble, Officer Hanson?

No, just the usual.

We always have a few 502s after the Rutland game.

Uh-huh. I didn't know they were such bad losers.

Brainard! Tell these idiots...

Well, Professor, I see you finally got the old Model T in working order.

Yeah. Yeah, it took a little fixing, but, ah, here she is.

Say, sounds like you could use a little valve job in there.

Oh, you know Model Ts.

Sometimes you could swear they could run without valves.

Or even without a motor. That's right. So long, Officer.

So long, Professor.

Brainard! Tell them who I am!

Now, you told us who you are.

Suppose we all go confide in the sergeant, hmm?

You know, you boys are a big comfort to me.

I take a bath for 15,000 bucks, and you two can't find out what happened.

Maybe they slipped them some new kind of vitamin pill.

If we could grab one of the boys, we could give him a saliva test.

Oh, forget it, would you?

Hi, Pop.

Well, did you find out anything?

I sure did. What?

It was Neddie the Nut.

The professor? Well, what did he do?

He was in the locker room between halves...

And then?

He gave the boys a pep talk. What else?

That's all. He just talked to them.

Talked to them? Is that the...

Will you give me that? Is that the big news you had for me?

Well, is it? That's about the size of it, Pop.

Oh, well, three cheers for you, sonny.

That's an Earth-shattering bit of information you got there.

Biff! Come here! Come here!

You see anything?

Just Neddie the Nut flying his old Model T.

Say that again.

Neddie the Nut flying his old Model... T.

Yeah! And that's the genius you were callin' a nut.

Oh, yeah, in class he's been beatin' our ears about some new kind of energy.

Says he's lookin' for a breakthrough. Some kinda jazz like that.


Have you any idea what that kind of jazz is worth?

Someone to see you, Professor.

Oh, I can't see anybody now, Mrs. Chatsworth. What does he want?

Your kind indulgence, Professor.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive this hotblooded businessman?

Uh, hotblooded businessman who plans to tear down Medfield College?

What do you want, Mr. Hawk?

Wonderful things. Wonderful things for all of us.

Visualize, if you will, a whole new Medfield College.

Ten new buildings, 10 stories high.

One building devoted entirely to science.

Two, if you will? Three?

How does it sound? It sounds great.

But, uh, just where is all this money coming from, Mr. Hawk?

From a certain revolutionary discovery.

What's so revolutionary about an old Tin Lizzie?

Nothing, unless, of course, it happens to fly.

Fly? Like I happened to see it do last night.

Oh. You saw it, huh?


Prof, I gotta hand it to you. You sure know...

Hold it. Hold it.

Now, why don't we trust each other, Professor?

After all, you're a man of science, head in the clouds.

I'm a down-to-Earth, dollar-and-cents man.

That's right. My pop always says he can smell a buck 10 miles...

I'll do the talking, son!

That's a good boy.

There's a million angles to this. The government! The space age!

What they wouldn't give to get their sticky hands on this little tin.

That's where I come in.

When I get through talking with them, they'll come crawling to us on their knees with bags of money, barrels of money!

Mr. Hawk, let me get this straight.

You want me to turn my discovery over to you so you can blackmail our government?

All right then, look at it this way.

Medfield College can grow and prosper, or it can wither and die on the vine.

That's entirely up to you.

I see.

Mr. Hawk, I want to thank you for dropping by.

You've made up my mind for me. Now you're talking.

I'm going to call the President.

Daggett? He don't cut any ice.

The President of the United States.

Is that enough ice for you?

Now, see here. Let's not go flying off in all directions.

Just one direction, Mr. Hawk. Out!

Don't get me wrong. I heartily endorse our government.

Oh, I'm sure you do. I approve of our government.

All right. You're lowering the boom on poor old Medfield College, but don't you try to come back afterwards.

The iron door is shut!

Well, there goes the ball game.

He'll telephone Washington, and by tomorrow, this place will be swarming with sharpies.

Supposing you did get the professor's discovery?

Did you mean what you said about not closing down Medfield?

If they get a hold of that flying jalopy before I do, there's millions right down the drain.

Because if you did, I've got an idea.

Quiet, son. I'm tryin' to think. Switch cars on him.

That idiot Brainard! If he could have...

What did you say, son?

Switch cars on him. There are other Model Ts around.

Yeah. There are, aren't there, Biffer?

There's a fellow in Appleton that's... Hold it. I'm way ahead of ya.

Lenny, take the Appleton turnoff.

Hey, you know something?

You're all right, son.

Of course, you got a little of your mother in you, but actually, well, you're just me all over again.

Yes, sir. You're all right.

I can assure you, sir, the President is keenly interested in any development which might have to do with our national welfare.

But may I inquire as to the nature of your discovery?


Yes, that does sound significant.

Now, if I only knew which branch of the government might best be served by your discovery.

Why, any branch. You name it. Transportation, industry, agriculture.

Agriculture. Good.

Oh, don't cut me off.

Agriculture department. Sam Wheeler speaking.


Mmm-hmm, I see.

Just how do you figure this can help the farmer?

I don't want to help the farmer. I want to help everybody.

Don't you understand?

Well, now, what possibilities do you think this might have as a fertilizer?


Don't any of you people down there understand how vital this thing is?

It's not only agricultural, it's industry, it's national defense.

Oh, national defense. National defense.

Before we go any further, I just want you to know that I am proud of the new spirit of cooperation between the Army, the Navy and the Air Force.

Even the newspaper columnists are talking about it.

There never was any real difference between us.

Of course not.

Just a lot of newspaper guff in the first place.

Excuse me, sir. There's a Professor Brainard on the phone from Medfield.

Brainard? I don't know any Professor Brainard.

Tell him to write me a letter.

He might have some connection with Congressman Brainard.

On the Appropriations Committee.

Congressman Brainard swings a lot of lead.

He's always been friendly to us.

Oh, very well.

Hello. Well, how are you, Professor?

What can we do for you?

Oh, you have, eh? Why, that's amazing.

It's sort of antigravity.

Well, well.

And you think it's a breakthrough?

Looks like you fellas don't need all that appropriation money after all.

I got a fella right here said he cracked the antigravity problem right in his own garage.

Ridiculous. Another crackpot.

The Army's been doing antigravity research for years.

Hasn't come up with anything significant yet.

Oh, yes, Professor. I'm listening.

Yes, Professor. Yes. Yes, I realize it's urgent.

So many things are these days.

Oh? You want to come down here to Washington?

Well, now, I don't know about that, Professor.

We'd love to see you, of course.

Alert my pilot to stand by.

Yes, but we are all busy as bird dogs around here.

I tell you what, Professor.

Why don't you write us a nice short letter?

Tell us all about it.

Right, and keep up the good work, Professor.

Call us any time. Or better still, we'll call you.



They won't listen. Betsy won't listen.

That crook, Hawk, is the only one that'll believe me.

Professor? Come in, Mrs. Chatsworth.

There you are. All sponged and pressed for the dance tonight.

Oh, thank you, but I won't be going to the dance.

Oh, no. You're not letting that dear, sweet girl go with someone else?

That dear, sweet girl has kicked me out of her life.

Well, what are you gonna do about it? Stay home and talk to the dog?

Mrs. Chatsworth, don't you turn against me too.

Professor, may I say something?

I'd rather you wouldn't, Mrs. Chatsworth. Not just now.

All right. Do as you please.

Go on with your head in the clouds and your nose poked places that it doesn't belong.

Go ahead, like I said. Unlock the secrets of the universe.

But remember this, the universe is millions and millions and millions of years old.

It can wait a little, but girls can't wait.

Mrs. Chatsworth, I've told you I'm not going...

One day, a girl simply says to herself, "That's enough. I'll just marry the next man that comes along."

And she does.

Mrs. Chatsworth...

If I were in your shoes, I'd stop that smashing or mashing the atom, or whatever it is you're doing out there, and I'd go to that dance.

Why? Betsy won't even look at me.

Don't they have those numbers where you walk up to the dancers and tap 'em on the shoulders?

Yes. I suppose. Well, then.

You walk up to Shelby, tap him on the shoulder, then when he turns around... I'll punch him in the nose.


No, that wouldn't be civilized.

Well, for goodness' sake.

Grab the girl in your arms, hold her tight and dance her off into the night.

Show him up.

Show up Shelby Ashton, the ballroom beast?

He's the best dancer around here.

I dance like a sleepwalking chimpanzee.

Well, even a chimpanzee will fight for its mate.

I told you he'd turn up here tonight.

And sink the Army Sink the Army gray Taxi!

You boys get right in. I'm the only taxi. I'm pulling right out.

Where to?

Professor Brainard's... House.

What are you doing?

Even a chimpanzee fights for its mate.


Let me go. People are looking.

Good. Let's not disappoint them.

The professor must have given himself a pep talk.

Watch. Maybe you can learn something.

Go, prof. Go!

We ought to do this more often.

Will you let... Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh.

Oh, Ned!

He flies through the air with the greatest of ease The daring young man on the flying trapeze...

I wonder what's going on inside.

Let's go in and see what's buzzing. Enough fun for one night.

He flies through the air with the greatest of ease...

On second thought, maybe the fun's just beginning.

I beg your pardon. Are you the gentlemen from Washington?

We are. Are you looking for a Professor...

Brainard? Oh, I'm afraid that's not me.

There's your man.

The daring young man on the flying trapeze...

The man on the flying trapeze Oh He flies through the air with the greatest of ease It certainly is a surprise, your coming all the way from Washington to see me.

Here we are. Get right in, gentlemen.

Get right in the car, please. Admiral, General.

Now, of course, gentlemen, I realize that military technology has progressed far beyond the Model T, right?

Of course. I want you to understand I'm using it as a security measure.

What better place to hide my discovery than in a Model T?

And I want you to keep in mind also, gentlemen, that this is only a primitive application of my discovery.

Now, we use this spark lever here to levitate, the gas lever to move forward, and the brake pedal to stop or to go in reverse.

Absolute control at all times, as you will see.

All right, gentlemen, get a good, tight grip on your emotions, and prepare for takeoff.

A cool head, a steady hand, and up we go!

Well, if at first you don't succeed...

Then what?

You try again.

Well, surely you gentlemen understand this sort of thing.

I imagine the first time you tried to launch a rocket, it didn't...

Go up.

It's probably just a short in the control mechanism.

I'm sorry about this little delay, gentlemen.

We'll have the show in the air in a minute.

This is some kind of a joke. I'm sorry, gentlemen.

I tell you, gentlemen, somebody is just playing a practical joke.

I'm not laughing.

Just a minute, gentlemen. Please.

Gentlemen, wait. Please.

Nice going. That was rich about the squirrel.

A real Hawk touch.

Kind of a mean trick to play on the professor.

Well, now, son, we're doing him a favor. You'll see.

Well, I think we've cleared the air on one important point.

What's that?

With what's happened, I'm sure there's no longer any doubt about you and Ned Brainard.

No. None whatsoever.

As the Bard says, "That he is mad, 'tis true, "'tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true."

Oh, shut up.

Well, if that's what she thinks of Shakespeare.


If you've come out here to gloat, Betsy, I can do without that.

Oh, I'm not gloating. But I know what you're thinking.

That I'm a fraud, that I'm really losing my marbles.

Are you sure you're all right?

Betsy, I solemnly swear to you I have flown this car.

Oh, don't, darling.

I'll take you home. You get a good night's rest.

Betsy, how can I...

Wait a minute. Why didn't I think to show this to them?

I got so upset when the car wouldn't fly. Here.

Take this. Now, hold it out.

Now, drop it.

Flubber! That's how I was able to bounce around in there.

That's how we won the basketball game.

This is what makes the car fly.

Are you sure you actually made that car fly?

This very car.

No. No, I take that back.

Well did you or didn't you?

This isn't my car, Betsy. My car had a radio in it.

Somebody switched cars on me.

Hawk! Hawk?

Alonzo Hawk. He saw me flying the car last night, and he came to me to make a deal, and I turned him down.

He stole my car. Are you sure?

Will you stop saying that, Betsy? Of course I'm sure.

Please believe me.

Now, we've got to get that car back. In the hands of a man like Hawk...

Ned, I believe you.

Now, if we can only figure out some way to...

You what?

I believe you.

You do? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Betsy.

Well, I'm glad to see you came around to my way of thinking, Professor.

I'm with you one 100%, Mr. Hawk.

Yes, I know, but we were discussing the Model T. What's with these shoes?

Flubber, Mr. Hawk.

When you wear these flubberized shoes, you'll have a spring in your step.

You'll walk with your head above the crowd.

You'll live life to the fullest.

And when the time comes, as the poet says, to shuffle off this mortal coil, you won't shuffle, Mr. Hawk.

You'll go out with a hop, a skip, a jump and a song in your heart.

I still don't get it. What about the Model T?

Oh, Mr. Hawk. Surely you can see the point.

Why, shoes are 10 times more valuable than a flying car.

How come? Well, figure it out.

Only 8% of the world's population buy cars.

Practically everybody buys shoes!

You know, she's right. Sure she's right.

Now take it easy, Mr. Hawk. Huh?

I'll show you how the flubber works. Hmm?

Now, just tap your heel on the floor.

You see? Yeah.

Well, I don't know if I can hold my balance.

Well, it just takes a little getting used to, Mr. Hawk.

Why, Ned's crazy about his. Aren't you, dear?

Oh yes, I certainly am.

I can't tell you the lift I have gotten from them.

Now, just jump up and down, Mr. Hawk.

Up and down? Uh-huh.

There we go!

Mr. Hawk, I think that's high enough for right now.

Hold him down. That's fantastic.

Hold him down. Hold him down, Betsy.

There we are. Now, wasn't that wonderful, Mr. Hawk?

Wonderful. Why did you stop me? We want to talk to you.

You see, we know that you're interested in more than just money.

Surely, you are. I am? What?

Humanity, Mr. Hawk. You can save lives with these shoes.

Of course you can.

Now, suppose, just suppose, there's a fire, a raging fire.

The stairs are a blazing inferno, the smoke is billowing under the door.

We're trapped! Help! Help! Help!

The flames are creeping closer and closer.

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't stand it any longer.

Geronimo! My boy!

Nothing to it, Mr. Hawk.

Why, that's amazing! Okay, your turn, Mr. Hawk.

Oh, well, now. Just a minute.

Oh, it's fun, Mr. Hawk!

Go ahead.

You'll land light as a thistle, Mr. Hawk. I promise you.

Well, I don't know. Well, let me put it this way.

I certainly wouldn't want to have a partner who doesn't have faith in his own product.

Oh, you better do it. He's very fussy about things like that.

Well, nobody's ever been able to call me a coward.

Oh, I should say not, Mr. Hawk.

Come on down, Mr. Hawk. One, two...

Well, I've changed my mind. Three!

Whee! Hey, look!

Look! I'm doing it!

Sure you are, Mr. Hawk.

Put a little more spring into it.

See how simple it is? Flex your knees.

That's right. Look at Mr. Hawk, dear.

Isn't he doing well? This is marvelous!

Brainard, we've got something here.

Sure we have, Mr. Hawk.

Okay, I'm sold. Now, how do I stop?

What did he say, dear? I can't quite catch it.

I can't either. I said tell me how to stop.

You can tell me something, Mr. Hawk. What have you done with my car?

You tricked me! That's right, Mr. Hawk.

Now, where is it? Where did you hide it?

In my warehouse.

In his warehouse! Thanks, Mr. Hawk.

Hey! How do I stop? Happy landing, Mr. Hawk.

Wait! Don't go!

Professor Brainard, come back! Don't leave me!

Wait! Don't go! Uh, Biff!

Biff, where are you? It's your father calling.

Huh? Biff! Son, wake up!

Get outta bed! Help your father!

Hey! That's pretty neat, Pop. How do you do that?

Well, don't just lie there, you nitwit!

Get somebody! Get the fire department!

Okay. All right. Don't blow a gasket. Stop me! Help!

I don't get it.

Why we gotta sit around watchin' that crummy car?

'Cause Hawk says so, that's why.

You figure he knows what he's doing?

Old fish eye didn't pile up all that loot by being stupid, ya know what I mean?

Here I go.

No. I gotta go up higher.

There we are.

Looks like a lot of people got behind in their payments.

Dear, sweet Mr. Hawk.


Lenny? Yeah, what?

You hear noises?

Like what kind of noises?

Sorta like a...

A harp?

Now, let's see.

Oh, no, no, no, now, Betsy. Put it down, down.

Down. Easy. Easy.


No. You better take my shoe off.

I, I can't get the knot undone.

Oh! My nail. Shh-shh.

Maybe I can help you.

There it goes again.

You remember feisty McKenna?

Only with him, it wasn't harp noises. He kept hearing bird calls.

Easy, easy, easy.

Now, easy.


Well... Ooh!

Mr. Hawk! This is the fire chief speaking!

We'll have everything under control in just a moment.

And, Mr. Hawk? Try to relax.

Relax? How can I relax, you fathead!

All the same, Mary Lou, I wish you'd come over.

Pop's putting on a great show.

Oh, hold it. They're bringing in a net!

Make way. Come on.

Come down sitting. Not feet first!

The net didn't work so well, Mary Lou.

I told you we needed a new one.

You told me? What do you think I've been telling the town council?

How am I supposed to buy a new net without an appropriation?

Well, don't get hot. I only mentioned it.

Well, you just keep the kinks out of the fire hose.

That's all I want from you!

I'm the chief.

Sure! Come on over, Millie!

You should see it! Everybody's getting into the act.

Don't worry, Mr. Hawk. We'll take care of ya.

No, don't do it! No!

Ow! Personally, I'm a dry fly man, myself.

Royal coachman.

Oh, take it easy. I got him.

Biff, help me! Do something before they kill me.

I know, Coach. I know you're right in the middle of spring practice, but it's a matter of life and death.

That ain't no bird call.

Well, look who's here. It's the professor.

Wasn't too smart breakin' in like that, Professor.

Well, I, I didn't exactly break in.

Of course, as you can see, I'm trying to break out.

Careful, boys.


What happened, boys? You missed me.

Here. Here I am.

Now, take it easy, boys. Take it easy.

Don't crowd me. I don't want to have to get tough with you again.

They're all fresh hot doggies!

They're a foot long! Hot doggies! Get your hot doggies!

Right this way. Here you are, folks. Hot dogs.

And you were the lady that called the police?

Certainly. I was getting ready to take a bath, and I saw this face flashing past the window.

Well, how did I know the poor man was in trouble?

Hey! Stand back!

Well, sir, I calculate he gains about 18 inches to bounce.

And your opinion is?

About 7:00 tonight, he's going to be in serious trouble.

Gosh! My father never does anything like that.

For a parent, he's way out.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

This way, fellas!

Son, what are you going to do to me?

One, two...

Biff, I'm your father! Please!


Pop! Are you all right, Pop?

And why wouldn't I be?

The warehouse!

Oh, no. Once more, and we'd have had it open.

Come on. You're not going to give up this easily, are you?

Come on. It's just a little old bump on the head.

Here. That's it. Come on. What would Mr. Hawk say?

Come on. Let's get on our feet. On with the fight. Come on.

Here. Try this. Oh. Thank you, dear.

That did it. Better get back in the car, Betsy.

All right. Come on, you cut-rate gorillas.

Aim high this time. Got ya.

Okay, Mr. Jumping Jack.


Corners beautifully, doesn't it?

Ned, look.

Here they come.

Come on, you guys. Get in the car! Hurry up!

To think I always thought of you as a nice, easygoing college professor.

Betsy? Hmm?

No. This is hardly the time or the place to say what I was going to say.

Oh, never mind. Go ahead. Say it.


Well, what do you know? They want to play rough.

Here. Gimme that thing. You can't do that, Pop!

We gotta show this nut we mean business.

Well, looky there.

A police car. Well, well, well.

Well, they've been asking for it. Asking for what?

The Shelby stomp.

It's Brainard.

Faster, son! I've got it down to the floor now.

Hold it! All right. All right, you birds.

Get your hands up on the top of that car.

Now, see here, Officer. This is ridiculous.

Do you realize who I am?

Yeah. You're the guy who had this hot pistol in his mitt.

I am Alonzo P. Hawk, President of the Auld Lang Syne finance company.

Isn't it a small world?

Why, of course I remember you.

Well, now, that's better.


You're the outfit that repossessed my electric icebox last year.

Well, Officer Hanson, sorry to interrupt, but can you tell me the shortest way to Washington, DC?

Sure, Professor. Down the block to the intersection.

Left, Highway 9.

No, no. I mean as the crow flies. Oh! That way. Due east.


Officer, stop that man!

He's flying off with millions of dollars that rightfully belong to me!

Mr. Hawk. Surely you're not accusing dear old Professor...

Sir, I have an unknown approaching Washington prohibited zone.

Heading, 068, angels, 1.5.

Speed, 45 knots. Forty-five knots. Are you sure?

Yes, sir.

Hello, Bird Form. This is Flag Down. Scramble the five-minute birds.

Attention. Attention.

Scramble Bird Dog flight. Scramble Bird Dog flight.

Vector 270. Vector 270.

Locate to angels 1.5. Angels 1.5.

It's so lovely and peaceful up here, as though we were the only two people in the world.

Well, aren't we?



Did you see what I saw? I hope not.

Let's run that again. Roger.

Here they come again!

Let's get out of here!

Hello, Flag Down. This is Bird Dog leader.

I have a visual on that bogey.

Well, speak up. What is it?

I don't think you're going to like this, sir.

What's the matter with you? Give me that bogey report.

It's a Model T, sir.

A what? A Model T touring car.

Only it's flying!

Bird Dog leader, I suggest for your own sake that you take another look.

Well, I can't, sir. It's gone into a cloud...

And it won't come out.

What's the procedure, sir?

I think I'll let the colonel handle this one.

Yes, Flag Down?

Well, go on, Captain. Go on.

A flying what?

Cut the clowning, Flag Down. The CO's here.

What's going on, Colonel? Nothing, sir.

What do you mean, "Nothing"?

It's Flag Down, sir. Just a little question of procedure.

Give me that.

What's all this about procedure? Don't you know your job, man?

Don't interrupt me.

It might interest you to know the general's staff has worked out exact procedure for every possible situation.

There's nothing could happen that...

A flying what?

Looks like they've gone. Good.

Can we get out of here now? This is ruining my hair set.

Darling, you never looked more beautiful.

Gentlemen, it's quite simple, really.

Obviously, a Model T cannot fly.

Therefore, it must be something disguised as a Model T.

I am declaring a condition yellow. Let's move, Colonel.

How lovely it is.

It makes you feel proud, doesn't it?

Washington's a great city.

There's something there for everyone.

Look at all those people down there.

I think they're staring at us. I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

I can't hear what they're yelling, can you?

Hi, down there!

Oh, Ned! Look out!

Kind of hits you between the eyes, doesn't it?

Look! There's Grant's Tomb.

I, uh, think Grant's Tomb is in New York, dear.

I believe that's the Jefferson Memorial.

Oh, you mean Monticello.

Betsy, I think there's a touring map in the side pocket.

Will you see if you can find the Pentagon building?

It has five sides and a big parking lot.

I doubt if it's on here, dear.

This map is from the year 1917!

Oh, there's the Capitol. Won't that do?

The Capitol.

Gosh, Betsy, when you think of all the history that was made there.

Now, don't forget. You're making history right now.

Oh, you think so? I hope they don't make a fuss over me.

We interrupt this program to bring you an emergency bulletin.

This is the commanding officer, sector air defense, speaking on all commercial and military wavelengths.

Attention, an unidentified flying object is over the city.

I don't see anything. Do you? No!

Nothing up here but us.

Every defensive missile in the area... Us! trained on the flying object.

If it does not identify itself, it will be shot down immediately.

They wouldn't dare! Oh, yes. They'd, they'd dare.

This is your last warning.

Identify yourself, or we will open fire.

Ready at Fort Meade? Missile battery's locked on target, sir.

Repeat. Are you listening, unidentified flying object?

We are waiting for your response.

I am responding! I'm Professor Brainard!

At the count of 10, we open fire.

Don't bother to count, General. I'm an American.

Two... See? My credit cards.

Three, four, Wait, General! You're not gonna stand for that, are you?

Five... Yes.

Six, seven...

Sir, Fort Meade reports he's gone behind the Capitol dome.

Eight... Sir, Congress is in session.

If you fire, we might lose every senator and congressman.


And they've just put a new front on the building.

Hold your fire.

Well, why try to pass the buck to me?

Just because it looks like a...


Well, I don't care if it is a Model T.

Shoot it down! Right. Right.

And if you happen to see a Stutz Bearcat or a Pope Toledo flying over the Capitol, shoot them down too.

As a personal favor, won't you please identify yourself?

Professor, this is the admiral speaking.

Proceed directly to Anacostia Naval Air Station...

This is your old friend General Singer.

Now, you fly right over to Bolling Air Force Base...

This is the Army.

Report to Fort Myer. Anacostia naval air station.

Now, hear this!


They had their chance. I'm not gonna fool around any longer.

Ned, what are you doing? We're going to land on that big patch of green lawn.

Oh, Ned. Not there, please! Why not?

My hair, it's a mess, and I haven't a thing to wear.

Anybody home?


This way, Professor. Please. Explain what the President said.

Professor, what did the President have to say?


The President, devoted as always, to the advance of science, has embraced the discovery of flubber with tremendous enthusiasm.

Uh, Professor, what branch of the armed services will be given control of your new discovery?

Well... All will share alike.

In our opinion, flubber will only cement the great, traditional ties of inter-service cooperation.

Professor, with this great breakthrough in science, do you feel you still have other worlds to conquer?

I do.

Just so there's no doubt about it, would you mind repeating that?

I do.

With pleasure, and a deep sense of accomplishment, I now pronounce you man and wife.


Brickabracker, soda cracker, sis-boom-bah!

Married, married, rah-rah-rah!

Good-bye, Betsy. Good luck!