The Animal (2001) Script

--our five-day forecast. Next up, the tree girl from Elkerton.

After living in a tree for a year,...

...Rianna "Hummingbird" Holmes comes down.

Unlike Julia Hill, Holmes' forest was leveled... though she saved a giant redwood tree.

How are you?

I wanna thank everyone who sent food and letters of support.

And the mentally handicapped child who sent me these poems.

She read my poems.

Thank you.


Come on in the house!

Morning, Mrs. De La Rosa. Dimples got out again.

I let him out.

You have a good day now.

I am a warrior.

I am a warrior.

On your left!

Well, boys and girls...

...this is the most important room in the station.

The police evidence room.

It's where I work. Are you a policeman?

Evidence file clerks work closely with real policemen.

So you're not a real policeman.

As soon as I pass the obstacle course, I'll be a real policeman.

Yeah, okay, pal.

Evidence is arranged by case number.

We're almost as tall as you.

This field trip sucks.

I might have candy somewhere.

Look, everyone. Marijuana. You're not allowed to touch that.

That's police evidence.

Are you going to arrest us? You're not a real cop.

Guys, that's really ....

I got him!


What is going on in here?

Let me see that.

Thanks, sarge.

Right there. You're missing an " R."



...who wants a ride with a real police officer?

Marvin, what happened to you? Kids.

How did kids embarrass you like that?

I'm gonna do it this time, Dad.

I'll be a real policeman, like you were.

I'll make you so proud of me.

I'm not gonna be a loser anymore.

Give me that!

Stretch it! It won't go any further.

Back up. Let me try. Come on, Marvin!

Maybe this year you won't pee your pants.

Good one, sarge.

Don't worry. Nobody else remembers.

Listen up.

You have four minutes to complete...

...the endurance portion of your examination.

I have personally designed this course... simulate actual conditions one might encounter... the field.

Good luck.

Take a good look at that ass. You'll follow it all day.

Ready! Set!

Go, Marvin, go! Go, Marvin, go!

Go, go, Marvin! You go!

Marvin, take her!

Kiss it!

Oh, okay.

How does this simulate the field?

Come on now, Marvin! You go!

Marvin, you okay?

At least you didn't pee your pants.

Maybe we should wait until everyone leaves.

Pop quiz. Pop quiz. Who's this?

That's four times in a row.


Thank you.

You see that shit? She poured my beer first.

So? So?

It's because I'm black.

Maybe she's just being nice.

Now we're getting to it. What?

What y'all call nice, I call reverse racism.

Be overly nice to the black man.

Make up for his ancestors being taken...

...crammed by the hundreds into leaky boats like human tuna fish...

...and if they didn't die, they'd go into show biz to make a living.

Now she's going to pour my beer first?

That won't make up for 400 years of injustice. Not today.

I wish I was black.

I'd have my onion rings by now.

I got to go take a whizzer.

Oh, jeez. I'm sorry. No, I'm--

I didn't know anybody was in here.

There's a line in the ladies' room ....


You're Rianna " Hummingbird" Holmes.

I think it's great what you did, saving that tree.

Even though they leveled all the other trees.

Glad to see you're doing your part.

I'm sorry. I'm wasting trees.

They should get one of those...

...blowjobby things.

I mean, hand jobbys. I mean, hand blowers.

I wrote you a poem.

Working out and a protein diet is not enough.

You need a high-potency, high-mineral, mega-amino...

...bodybuilding supplement.

Nothing legally will give you that, except Badger Milk.

A badger can lift 20 times its body weight. Can you do that?

Our potent supplement is made up of 25% real badger milk.

If you call now, you'll get... two cartons of Badger Milk for the price of one.

Check out the pecs on Yolanda. That is pure badger milk.

Could you cover for me a minute? No problem.

Everyone else is down at the softball game.

There's a softball game today?

Freeze, puke! Put down that VCR! Put it down!

Oh, you bought it, did you?

Oh, you have a receipt, do you?

My mistake.

I'm new on the force.

Police department. Tam's Restaurant. I'm being robbed.

That's terrible. I go there all the time.

You have the best orange bean cake. Thank you.

The chili peppers give it a kick. They're shooting at me!

Hold on. I'll get some help.

Officers needed. I got a 2-11 robbery in progress.


Officers needed. Hello!

Can you sit tight till I reach somebody?

Got a 2-11 in progress. I'm in pursuit. Hello?

2-11 in progress.

That wasn't so bad.

Thanks. Not at all.

Dimples, you okay?

The Badger Milk girl. She seems nice.

Now, that's good badger milk.

Fatty. I gotta go.

Where the hell have you been?

Last night I got a call.

2-11. Robbery in progress, Tam's Restaurant.

It was over a week ago.

You've been missing for 8 days.

What? I covered for you.

I said you're an unreliable drunk who disappears for days.

So I think you're okay.

Thanks a lot. Are you all right?

Do you want a doctor?

No, I ....

I feel great.

On your left.

Sure, pass the old guy! Big man!

How's it going?


Eat shit.

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Come on, boy! Come on!

Oh, easy...


Slow down.

Show me how you do that.

I wish I knew.

I'm Marvin. I'm Rianna.

I know. I met you in the men's room.

Oh, yeah. The fart guy.

So, are all these dogs yours?

I volunteer at a pet shelter.

That's great. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I'm with different animals and...

...this time, I have a roof over my head.

Something wrong?

No. Nothing's wrong. Why?

Nice catch. Thank you.

Come by the shelter. You could play Frisbee with the dogs.

I'd like that.


I'm sorry.

I gotta talk to you.

You smoke?

I don't. it's illegal in airports.

I want to show you how bad it's gotten. Watch.

See? Nobody says anything because I'm black.

Bend the rules for the black guy. Let him smoke because he's black.

Because old blues musicians never got royalties...

...and played one-night gigs to pay for whores... I can smoke anywhere I want to.

Something weird happened to me.

Something weird happened to me too. I'm supervisor.

That's great. ls it? I've been here 16 days.

That Filipino's been here 5 years.

Know why I'm supervisor? Because you're black?

No. Because that bitch is dumb.

Excuse me, sir. I'm in a hurry.

Not until I check you with my wand. Arms out.

I ordered the stuff and I think it's working.

Physically, there's--

That's odd.

You smell that?

It's this way. What is?

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

What, are you crazy? Let go of my leg.

Get off me!

He's got drugs. Check him.

What are you saying? This guy's clean.

You see? You can go.

No, wait.

I hope he's on our flight.

I don't know whose that is.

It's pure heroin.

You're good. What's your name?


Marvin Mange.

You'll be hearing from us.

Chief Wilson, what happened at the airport?

The drugs were found by the newest member on our force:

Marvin Mange.

Here to take you through the arrest is Sergeant Doug Sisk.

Thank you, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...the suspect flew in from Columbia--

I have a question for Officer Mange.

Can you smell things in people's butts?

I guess so.

And things not in people's butts?

Like things in people's pants pockets or wallets?

Officer Mange.

I'm from the Free Press. What's up my butt?

Sir, I'd rather not.

Come on. What's up there?

Car keys.

He's good. Over here!

No more questions. What about me?

Over here, Officer Mange, please.

Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a minute?

I don't wanna guess what's up your butt.

No, it's not that.

You see, I released you... see if you could function normally in society...

...but now you attract attention. I just can't take the chance.

What do you mean? I found you.

I put you back together.

Don't you remember the animals?


How do you explain your sense of smell...

...your ability to run fast, or jump 10 feet in the air?

It's the badger milk. I ordered it from TV.

I need you to come with me.

You're crazy.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Sorry about the dart.

You'll find everything you need here. Water, food...

...a place to work out.

Where am I?

You were born here. Sort of.

When I found you, you were nearly dead...

...and the only way to save you was my procedure:

Radical trans-species-ectomy. What's that mean?

I put animal parts in you.

You put wild animals inside me?

I wish. I don't have that kind of money.

The animals I used...

...were abandoned by a circus or from the private zoo of a pop star.

There's Mr. Giggles.

He really misses the pop star.

I'm not allowed to say who.

Your life is here with me now.

Look, doc...

...I appreciate you saving me.

Thank you. I think.

But what you did with the animals is working for me.

I'll just go on with my life.

Your human side may not be able to control it.

I have to go.

I have to try it.

I'm sorry. I can't allow that.



Listen up, shit stains.

I don't know how you worked that trick out of the guy's ass.

I don't.

But I'm watching you.

The fact of the matter is, you're not a full-fledged cop yet.

You're not. Okay?

And until you pass your 30-day probation, you belong to me.

I'll throw you out so quick, your head will spin.

All the best.

Don't be ashamed, son.

I've eaten out of the garbage before.


This baby's nailed down tight. Not going anywhere.

One minute, okay?

I'll be back.

He was trying to get out.

You'll want to get a cover for this.

Yeah, maybe. Come on back. I'll show you the animals.

This is Molly. She's a young turkey vulture.

Hey, baby.

Her parents were killed by a hunter, and it's hard to get her to eat.

I'm worried she won't make it.

She just misses her mom, that's all.

She doesn't eat whole worms.

That was really amazing.

So? What do you think?

It's all right. He's nice.

There are a lot of animals in here.

Yeah, I know. It's a little crowded.

I don't have the heart to turn any away.

But it's cool. We're like one big happy family.

This is Henry, the orangutan. He's very affectionate.

He really likes people, but not other monkeys.

We have a lot of exotic birds.

Macaws and... friend Cosmo's a parrot.

You are a good boy.

Parrots are one of the smartest animals.

Really? You want food?

They have the intelligence of a 5-year-old child.

A 5-year-old?

People think parrots just mimic...

...but they have thoughts of their own.

Some have a vocabulary of up to 200 words.

Cosmo has about 150 words.

That's incredible. I didn't know any of that.

Hi, there.

I get along better with animals than people.

Animals are simple, honest. Know what I mean?

I guess I like people better.

With animals, I feel like I'm one of them.

Easy, boy.

Do you ever feel that way?

It's crazy.


Calm down. What's the matter with you guys?

Let me ask a serious question.

Do you ever have trouble with control?


First you have to admit there's a problem.

You have to say, " I am a porn addict."

Not that kind of control.

I've been having these...

...animal urges. Me too.

I got a video on the mating rituals of the hippo.

He was trying to take my meat.

Hey, doc. Dr. Wilder.

Hey, doc!

There you go. Tummy's all gone now.

How's my boy? I knew you'd come home.

I'm not coming home.

Stop it! You're not helping.

Sorry. Look, doc...

...this control thing's a lot harder than I thought.

Hold on.

This might help. Here. Here.

I woke up in a butcher shop. I have no idea how I got there.

Oh, I see.

The other day, I ate out of a garbage can.

I bit someone, and then...

...I made love to a mailbox.

Your subconscious is reverting to a primal state.

That's why I wanted you to stay here.

I was so sad when you left. I thought we could be buddies.

I even gave you a name.


I already have a name.

Oh, Snowball already has a name.

Who's a good boy, then?

I'm a good boy.

I'm a-- This is serious!

I'm turning into an animal here!

All right.

Four turkeys, a dozen lamb shanks, two salmon, my pet rabbit ....

Oh, Charlie. One ham hock.


You didn't want the biscuit because you satisfied your hunger.

Now that I have your attention, listen.

You must anticipate your instincts...

...satisfy your animal urges before they take over.

Hunger is your biggest challenge. There's also your sex drive.

If you like, I could help you with that.

That's all right.

I'm good.

Okay. No.

I gotta go.

There are a few things bothering me here.

I don't know how you got to the butcher shop break-in...

...but let me guarantee you this.

You better not try to show me up with any of your super-cop bullshit.

Not at all, sir.

You got one week of probation left.

And I'm gonna be all over you.

Say hello to your new partner.

What's all that shit?

Supplies. I want to be prepared for anything.

Of course you do.

Hey, pigs.

Get the hell out of here. it's our neighbourhood.

You're just a regular badass.

When did you notice it was missing? This morning, about 5:30.

I parked the tractor right here.

Now it's gone.

Is that your goat? Yeah, that's Nellie.

She's in heat, huh? Yeah.

That's why I got her separated from the other animals. They can't resist.

Makes sense.

Makes a lot of sense. Mange, shut up.

These tracks are still fresh? They are.

Where were your farm hands during the crime?

I'm gonna check out something over here.

How's it going?

My name's Marvin.

You got it going on.

Have you noticed anything abnormal in the area?

All right now, Marvin.

Control, Marvin.


Oh, sweetie. Yes. You make me laugh.

So soft.

I'll find those men who--

Oh, my.

Watch this, Mange.

The professor is in.

Take out your pen and take notes.

Hey, guys.


I should give you a ticket for being too darn cute.

Tell you what.

I'll settle for taking you out Saturday night.

Maybe another time.

I already have a date.

With Marvin.

Right, Marvin?


I forgot. I'm picking her up at...


Dinner and a...walk.

I'll see you then.

A walk. I know. We'll walk to the women's store...

...for a blouse to go with the metre maid outfit...'ll wear for your new job!

Get in the car!

This is the mayor's annual charity event.

Keep a low profile. Got it?

Got it. How are my teeth?

Great. Good.

That's far enough, shit stains. Don't go near the mayor or his guests.

I'll be a good boy.

And for God's sake, keep your shirt on.

I'd like to thank everyone for the success of this fundraiser.

The fire department will love their new equipment.

Outstanding, Mr. Mayor.

Hi, Daddy. Hi, sweetheart.

Where are you off to?

Keep an eye on him. Yes, sir.

That is one handsome little fella you got.

Bacon-wrapped shrimp?

Thank you.

I am so sorry, Mr. Mayor.

Are you that drug-sniffing cop? Yes, sir.

It's a fur ball.

This officer's on probation. He obviously failed.

He's off the force as of now.

Do you hear that?

You all right?

You scared your old man.


...this is one fine cop here.

Yes, it is.

Hey, listen up! A toast.

The newest cop on the force, baby!

To Mange!

Go, Aqua Man.

Nice job. Outstanding.

You're all right, man. Right there.

You really heard that kid drowning?

Yeah. All right.

Then what am I saying now?

You were born with one testicle.

You keep that shit to yourself.

I'm worried about my date with the tree girl.

I don't know if it'll work. Is she a man?

You met in the men's room. No--

I have to tell you guys something.

I got into a terrible car crash.

Some scientist put me together with animal parts.

Now I can't control my sexual urges.

If you don't want to hang out because I'm black, tell me.


I hope you like vegetarian.

I love it.

Look at her.

And look at the disaster she's with. They make it so easy for us.

Thanks for helping me with Sisk. No, it was no problem.

I wasn't sure if you meant it. Of course I did.

So, how are the animals doing over at the shelter?

I feel bad about the lack of space, so I've brought some animals home.

Maybe I'm crazy. I don't think so.

I think you're pretty amazing.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

There's something about you I can't figure it out.

How is your grilled eggplant?

Nice, huh? Yes, it's lovely. Thank you.

You are the lovely one.

The bathroom? Next to the bar.

Thank you. Excuse me for a second.

Do you smell that?

It's kind of musty.

Asparagus, next table.

Oh, you have a little ....

I'll get it.

That's either the nicest thing that's happened...

...or the grossest.

Will you excuse me? Of course.


I ordered us some sorbet. Great.

Will you excuse me again, please?


There you go.

Oh, thank you.

That's such a beautiful necklace you have.


Did you get that in Italy?

Yes, in Florence. I am from Firenze.

Piazza della Signoria?

My family lives there.

Stay with them. I'll give you my number.

Call me.

I'm gonna have a smoke.

What happened to that waiter? He was done with his shift.

Thanks for the walk. Thanks for dinner. It was great.

So, can I invite you in?

It's a perfect evening, I'd hate to ruin it by attacking you.

Well, that's honest.

So I guess this is good night.

Good night.

Tomorrow we're releasing Molly, the turkey vulture.

You should come by.

I wouldn't miss it.

Okay. Good night.

I've never seen anything like it.

There was blood, guts everywhere.

There was nothing left of that cow.

It even ate most of the hooves.

I'm telling you, chief, there's some kind of a beast out there.

All the other cows are too afraid to eat or shit.

And they ain't got nothing else.

I'll have an officer drive you home.

And all I want you to do is just take care of your cows.


I'll put on a puppet show. Maybe that'll calm them down.

Can I see you in my office for a minute?

That was Bob Harris. A couple of his cows got torn up.

Looks to me like one of those satanic rituals.

Do you worship the Dark Lord?

No, sir.

Help yourself.

Bob saw a man running away from the scene.

We made a composite...

...from his description.

Do you recall...

...where you were last night between midnight and 5 AM?

I was sleeping, sir.

Do you have anyone who can corroborate that?

No, sir.

Can you explain why that drawing...

...looks like you, Marvin?

I'm gonna ask you to go on paid leave...

...until we figure this thing out.

I'm also going to have to ask you to teach me how you do that.

Sorry, Dad.

Ls that a beaver dam?

What's happening to you?

Look, you have to go.

You can trust me.

Only an animal would do that.

There must be another explanation.

I know you and you wouldn't hurt anyone or anything.

It's getting late.

You can't stay here much longer.

I'm not going anywhere.

You're not dangerous.

I'll stay here tonight to prove it to you.

It's not safe.

At night...

...I lose control.

What are you doing?

I have no idea.

Knock it off.

If you're going to stay here... least tie me up. What?

Oh, no.

I want you to tie me up.

So that I won't hurt anybody.

My handcuffs.

You looked so uncomfortable.

When did you take them off?

I don't remember.

You wore them for a while, and...

...then I wore them for a while.

You are an animal.

I am?


Marvin, go.

This is Wilson! Last night, a hunter was attacked!

Mange! We know about the barn!

You got to get out!

Marvin, get out! The freak show's over.


Super-cop Marvin Mange turned fugitive.

He assaulted a bird hunter...

...and attacked two cows.

The suspect is dangerous...

...and Chief Wilson assembled a task force of his finest officers.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...our suspect is not human.

He's at home in the bush.

Shoot to kill.

Any questions?

I got a question. When do we light our torches?

When it gets dark. Ah, I see.

Another question.

Suppose, hypothetically, a guy had already lit his torch.

I mean, it'd be cool if he could just keep it lit, huh?

Excellent. Excellent.

If there's no more questions-- I got another one!

If one part of the mob gets separated from another part... there a place to get together? A secret place?

They could reunite, and we'd be a big mob again.

Stay with the mob.

Stay with the mob.

I got another question.

Doesn't this guy deserve a fair trial?

You, back of the mob.

What? This is my spot. I came early.

Okay, out of the mob!

Ah, this mob blows.

Let's go.

Come on, come on!

What are you doing here? Picking apples?

With a dart gun?

I made a terrible mistake...

...and now I must correct it.

There's something else out here. isn't there?

It was the same experimental procedure as yours.

I don't understand what went wrong.

We have to catch it before it's too late.

Until then...

...we are all in danger.

This is why black people don't camp.

I could have something crawl up my ass at home.

I have to eat.

Start carrying Power Bars, because this is bullshit.

Sorry, Miles.

I have to eat.

Oh, my God. You scared me.

You shouldn't be out here.

There's a crazy man-beast in the woods.

Go! Go! You're the only one that can stop it now.

On your left! On your left!

I love berries.

Are you done yet?

You're mine! You like that?

Come on, baby! Mange!

What?! What?!

Oh, no.

Come on. I got you.

Reach for it.

Why did you save me?

Like I told you...

...I'm not an animal.

I can't take that chance.


The hunter wanted my turkey vulture. I had to scare him.

I guess we have the same doctor.

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

So that's why you have six nipples.

The damn tree girl is the beast.

Two beasts kissing. That's hot.

There it is!

Kill the beast!

Take your dirty claws off her!

It's time to die, man-beast!

You can do it! Cut his freaking balls off!

I'm not a beast!

I'm not a beast!

Then who is the beast?

Kill the beast!

All right! All right!

It's me!

I was not expecting that. Were you?

I am the beast.

I ate the cow, and I mauled the hunter.

So do what you got to do.


...we can let it go this time.

Yeah, it's no big deal. What?

I won't be part of a mob to kill a black guy.

Move it out, people. it's over.

Come on.

These pantyhose are killing me.

Come on. All of you.

Let the beast go free because he's black.

Can't kill the black beast. That's racist.

Way to go, buddy.

What is the matter with you people?!

Come on, guys! Time for dinner!

I wonder who they'll take after.

I got a feeling they'll take after their dad.

It could fall out.

Thank you dearly for this most prestigious award.

Winning this Nobel Prize... validates a lifetime of hard work.

But I really owe it all to one special person.

And that person... is my fiancee, Yolanda.

It's the Badger Milk girl.

I guess there is someone for everybody.

Even if you make them out of animal parts.

You think so?

What? What?