The Art of Being Straight (2008) Script

MAN ON TV: Welcome back to the show, everybody!

[ Applause ]

We got a good show for you tonight, everybody.

Our top story tonight...

The president has signed into bill a new law about vegetable oil...?

[ Laughter ]

That's really gay.

[ Knocking on door ]

[ TV show continues ]

[ Knocking on door ]

Someone at the door.

[ Refrigerator door slams, bottles clanking ]

You done left the lady. We're on a break.

You moved 3,000 miles away. I'd say your break is broken.

So, you keeping in touch with anyone from school?

JON: Yeah, actually. Do you remember Maddy?


She... She called me. I guess... I guess she's out here.

She wants to go out, so...

You are going to love it out here, Jon.

The women. Yeah.

ANDY: You got the couch till you can find a place.

Salut. Salut.

♫ Sister, roommate I'm going away for the weekend ♫

♫ Do me a favor, just lock the door when you're leaving ♫

♫ Now, I trust you more than anyone I've ever known ♫

♫ These past few weeks I've erased all my friends ♫

♫ So I'm waiting back at home ♫

♫ So don't look inside my chest ♫

♫ Though I know we've talked, exchanged our secrets ♫

♫ There are some words only meant for the wastepaper basket ♫

♫ And no one else ♫

♫ When there's no privacy, there's no wonder ♫

♫ Do you wonder what I mean? ♫

♫ I shut the shades I'll do you your favor ♫

♫ I lock the door and I can feel the hair standing up... ♫ Tabula Advertising.

Uh, Paul? Just one moment.


[ Pen clicking ]

[ Inhales ]

[ Exhales ]

So, you're an East Coaster.

Uh, New York, originally, but I went to school in Boston.

I'll level with you.

It's not very creative.

Basically what they're looking for is someone to be an administrative assistant and work their way up.

I can do that.

So, Boston. Very cool. You, um...

You go out a lot in Boston?

Sure, yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

Like, uh... Like clubs?

Uh, bars, mostly.

Like regular bars?

Regular bars.

[ Pen clicks ]

When can you start?

[ Indistinct conversation ]

All right, all right.

[ Laughs ]

I would have remembered that because that was the same night as run-a-block walk.

What's that?

Oh, um, by the way...

That's Andy's theory that when you're drunk, you don't know what's going on, so you can literally run a block and then walk a block, and it gets you home faster.

[ Laughs ]

I'm going to go ahead and say you're a donkey douche.

What are you guys talking about?

Uh, Matt here seems to think that this kid that works at the pool hall is a homo.

Bryan, if you like guys, that means you're gay.

Matt, he didn't say anything like that.

Then what'd he say?

He didn't say anything, you dumpy bastard.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

It tends to work better when it's not being broken.

Oh, I see.

I couldn't seem to, uh, get it to, uh...

That's when I had it...

Paul. Jon.

We'll grab lunch.

[ Indistinct conversations, rock music playing ]

Jon! Jon! Oh, God.

Hi! Mwah!

Hi. How are you?

This is Anna. Hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you.


[ Singing ]

So, I'm going to quit that soul sucker of a fucker job tomorrow.

You've been saying that for months, Maddy.

So, what is it you do, Jon?

I, uh... I work at an ad agency.

Oh. Yeah, so...

How do you like it so far?

Uh, this executive asked me to lunch.

So, it's, uh... It's, uh, good so far.


Yeah? Yeah.

How are your women, Jon?

My women? Mm-hmm.

Jon always had an unsteady few in rotation back in college.

Is that right? It's not right. That is not true.

That is not... No?

That is not truthful. Don't bullshit.

What girl in our entire dorm did you not try and screw, including me?

[ Chuckles ]

So, where are you staying, anyway?

Uh, Andy's.

Oh, God.

It's been fine, really, really.

It's just... I'm just saving up for a place, so...


So, uh...

How do you two know each other?

[ Chuckles ]

You didn't know?

You didn't think we were going to, like...

Ok... No, I knew.

[ Laughs ]

I totally knew. That's cute.

[ Laugh ]

[ Indistinct conversation ]

ANDY: All right, here we go. Check.

ANDY: Come on, man. Look at me.

I'm looking at you.



Get it.



What are you doing?

Ohh! Ohh!

There it is, baby.


That's what we do. We hug in L.A.

MATT: He's crazy! Ohhhh!

[ Laughs ]

MATT: That was awesome. That was awesome.


MATT: Cue it up, Andy.

BRYAN: Here we go.

MATT: Live it up, baby.

Oh! Whoa!

Matt, look, you think that anybody with a naturally jolly disposition is gay.

And... No. You're wrong.

Another round, boys?

BRYAN: Oh, no, we're all right. Thanks.


Hey, nice pints.

MATT: Nice ass.

You could fucking bounce a nickel off that shit, right into the jukebox.

I'd bang the snot out of her. You should.

You should go up, and you should get her number right now.

I'll give you 20 bucks if you go get...

Uh, you... you don't know Jon.

I know Jon won't get it and... You don't think I would?

No, I don't think...

I think he's got Sugar Tits in the bag, personally.

MATT: You don't think he's going to pussy out?

I think you should just give me the 20 bucks now, look, alright?

Okay. Just write out a check.

We'll get back to Andy's.

Move over, bitch.

Did you get her number?

Yes? Oh, did I... No, he did not.

Aah! No!

You owe me 20 bucks right now.

He's a freakin' Don Juan Casanova or some shit.

Where did you get this guy?

Oh, that's my boy.


Oh, come on!

You... I hate you.

I hate you! Are you going to write me a check?

Hi. Aaron.

I just moved in next door.

Oh, you took the dead guy's place.

What are you, an actor?

You here to fill someone else's wet dream of waiting tables for 10 years just to blow your 15-minute load on a bit part.

Actually, I'm a history teacher.

[ Sighs heavily ]

Of course. I'm sorry. Bad day.

It's okay. Maddy.

Nice to meet you, Maddy.

Uh, no dead guy, by the way, just some bitchy old lady with a farting dog.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, um, you don't happen to know anywhere around here I could get some...


Yeah, uh, just next door they usually have some.

Bye. Nice to meet you.

PAUL: So, what's your angle? JON: My angle?

PAUL: What do you do for fun?

JON: I'm into photography.

I have a friend, um, downtown who runs a, uh, gallery.

Oh, I guess if I sort of just accidentally gave you some of my photographs, it probably wouldn't...

Who's your favorite? Uh, photographer?


Uh, I like Capa.

Robert Capa? Yeah.

Oh, he's great. I went to a, uh... to an exhibit of his a few months ago at the Getty.

Really? I've, uh... I've never been.

Then I'll have to take you.

Are you okay?

I was just, uh... just wondering where the... the food is.

It's almost 2:00. So, we should probably, um...



[ Chuckles ]

Do you like girls?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah. Yes.

[ Chuckles ]

Some were wondering in the office.

I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.

[ Clears throat ] No, no, it... it doesn't.

So, are you straight? Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]


I'd really like to see your photographs.

I might be seeing that friend of mine in the next few weeks.

All right.




[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Rock music playing ]

[ Knocking on door ]

The landlord.

[ Laughs ]

I like your place.

Thanks, Aaron. I like your place, too.

[ Chuckles ]

You haven't seen it yet.


You have to say that at some point.

[ Exhales ]

Hey, so, what's with the bike? What do you mean?

I don't know. I always see you with it.

It's kind of like a hipster requirement, isn't it?

It's a... It's a bike.

And you're a hipster.

[ Inhales ]

[ Chuckles ]

I'm not a hipster. Oh, no?


And I'm not the one smoking pot on my couch and reading "Sarte."

Neither am I.

I'm smoking pot and reading "Sartre."

[ Laughs ]

Sartre? Sar... Sartre?

Am I pronouncing it wrong? I think so, yeah.

I've always heard, uh... I've always heard "Sarte."



You know, you're not like a lot of the, um... other girls that I've met out here so far.

You seem like you have a better sense of who you are than a lot of the people I've run into.

It's, uh...

You seem, uh, content. That's what I mean.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm not.

Why not?

Because I hate my job, and the people that I work with are a cult of bloodsucking vampires.

Ohh. What do you do?

I work at an art gallery.


Hey, can I ask you a personal question?


How come you're wearing eyeliner?

Eyeliner? I'm not wearing eyeliner.

Are you gay? Am I gay?

Well, you seem a little gay.

Well, I can see your nipples through your shirt.

There's the eyeliner thing and the sort of just... I don't know.

No, I'm not gay.


Are you gay?

I have a girlfriend.

Really? What's her name?


[ Door opens ]



How'd you get in here?

You gave me a key, remember?

Look, I didn't ask for four. I only want one.

Yeah, just one.

Yeah. Is that the price listed?


And that includes delivery?

Yeah, you can reach me here.


Thank you.

[ Exhales ]

So, when am I going to get to see your photographs?

Uh, soon, very soon.

Mm. Good.

I'm seeing that friend of mine soon.

How about this weekend?

I... I have plans.

Right. You have plans.

[ Cell phone ringing ]

This is Jon.

Hey, this is Paul.

Paul, hi. How are you? How are you doing?

Good. Just picked up some wine, relaxing.

What are you up to?

Uh, what am I up to? I'm out with... I'm out with some friends.

Why don't you stop by on your way home?

[ Clears throat ]

Stop... Uh, stop by?

Yeah, I mean, you can show me your photographs, have a glass.

Come on. Bring them over.

Bring them over?

I'll be up, packing. I leave for Vancouver tomorrow.

So this might be the only chance I'll have to look at them for a while.


[ Exhales ]

PAUL: Yeah?

Yeah, it's, uh... It's Jon.

Hold on. I'll buzz you in.

[ Door buzzing ]

[ Sighs ]

Uh, yeah?

Yeah, it's... It's Jon. I missed the buzzer.

[ Door buzzing ]

♫ I will run ♫ Make yourself comfortable.

Uh, this is... This is a really nice place.

It's okay.

PAUL: Did you fall asleep in the middle of this?

That was, um... That was an accident, actually.

[ Sips ]

Um, you know, she was swinging, and I was taking the picture, and then...

I didn't get the exposure that I wanted...

Have you shown these anywhere?

Like... like a gallery? Yes, like a gallery.

Uh, no, I mean, it's always just sort of been like a hobby, so...

[ Sips ]

[ Exhales ]

Is that... Is that Hawaii? Oh, no. Puerto Rico.

Who's that...? Who's that in the... in the picture?

Oh, that's... that's Kevin, just a good friend of mine.

I went to, uh... to Puerto Rico with my family once.

You have brothers, sisters? Mm-hmm.

Have you told them?

[ Chuckles ]

Told them what?

You're gay.

[ Laughs ]

I'm not gay.


I know. I knew that you were...

You know, I'm trying to think of who else I know in the art world with a gallery that deals with photography...

I mean, at least someone that will take a good look at your work.

Most of my friends, they just show paintings, fine art, stuff like that.

Uh, you don't have to think a...

I mean, it's fine. No, no, no, it's obvious.

You got talent. Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

I just find it hard to believe you never kissed a guy or anything.

[ Chuckles ]


Well, you just seem like someone... someone who'd be willing to try anything once.

I was... There was once. There was...

I was drunk once in high school.


[ Inhales ]


I mean, we didn't sleep together or anything like that.

We just fooled around, so...

[ Chuckles ]

We were... We were drunk.

And you're not gay.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm not gay.

But you fool around with boys.


[ Chuckles ]

Um... boy, single, one.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sips ]

[ Chuckles ]

I notice you do that.

Do what?

That, when you're nervous.

What? This? No.

[ Laughs ]

I'm not nervous. It's fine.


Quite the collection you've got here.

I love this... I love this movie. This is really...

This one? Yeah.

I remember that... that... Do you remember that scene...

Which one?

With the... when they go to the pool hall, and they bet them 100 bucks, uh, that they're going to, um...

I can't do this.


[ Exhales heavily ]

I really can't do this.

You just looked so beautiful right there, I had to kiss you.

[ Exhales ]

I just... I just don't want to... I don't want to...

I don't want to jeopardize anything. So...

I won't tell anyone about this, about what just happened.

Why would I, Jon?

I mean, I have just as much to lose, if not more.

I just... I just don't... I don't think this is a...

This isn't a good idea, so...

I'm sorry.

And I'm... I... I'm sorry if I offended you.

No, it's, uh... I... I could have stopped you, so...

Why didn't you?

[ Breathing heavily ]

PAUL: Do you want to move to the bed?

Hey, honey.

ANDY: What's up? Nothing.

What do you mean, "nothing"? I can tell.


The little dimple thing right there, in the side of your mouth when you're lying.

No, I don't. What?

Oh, my God, I can totally see it.

You're totally lying about something. What are you doing?

ANDY: Nothing.

Jon. Ow.

Do not listen to your friend. He is a crazy person.

But, seriously, did you... somebody?

[ Laughs ]

I don't know what you're talking about.


[ Sighs ]


Which one's the male and the female?

I don't know. Oh. That one. That's the male.

[ Water running ]

[ Light moaning ]

PAUL: Stay.

I want to fuck you again in the morning.

[ Laughs ]

I have to... I have to go. My roommate's...

He's going to be wondering.


PAUL: This was really your first time?

Don't tell me you're regretting it already.

JON: I have to go.

[ Sighs ]

You're adorable.

Look, Anna, I'm not sure about tonight, okay?

I'm sorry.

Baby, can we talk about this later? I got to go.

No cell phone in the gallery. I've told you that before.

I know. I'm sorry.

I just had to make a quick call, and there was nobody here.

So I... Here, fax that.


Fax that.


He's right, you know.

You're not supposed to be on your cell phone.

Thank you. I know that.

[ Sighs heavily ]

JON: Yeah, Mom, everything's great, yeah.

No, I haven't talked to Dad, no.

No, I will. Yeah. Okay, I love you, too.

Okay. Bye.


[ Exhales ]

I met a girl today.

I was at the supermarket buying mangoes, and there was this chick like right there buying mangoes.

So, we're standing in the supermarket center checkout line, and I did this little half-turn, and then I say, "Screw it."

And I look directly at her, and I say, "Hey."

I mean, anyways, I wish I could just pick up a bottle of wine, invite her back to my place.

I mean, it's more about the fantasy and not the actual reality of it, but I just... still!

I miss the old days, man, when we used to go out.

I did something last night, Andy.

I knew it. What'd you do?

I can't tell you, man.

But I... I definitely did something big.

[ Laughs ]

Dude, you can't say you did something big and not tell me about it.

She's really getting to you, huh?

The girl back home that you're on a break with?

You slept with that chick from the pool hall.

And what, are you feeling guilty about it?

You weren't in love. You left her, remember?

Yeah, you're probably right.

You know, Bela and I were talking about you the other night, and I was telling her that, out of anyone I know, I think you're going to make it

'cause you always know exactly what you want and who you are.

Thanks, Andy. I appreciate that.

Don't worry, man. You're on the right path.

And trust me... Sex is the best medicine.


WOMAN: So, uh...


Admit it. Admit what?

You're a player. No, I'm not.

Uh, yeah, you are. I can spot you boys a mile away.

You better be careful with me. I've had my heart broken a lot lately.

Can I ask you a personal question?

WOMAN: Okay.

Do you like magic? Um, yeah.

All right, good. I'm going to show you a card trick.


If it's 52-card pickup, I will smack you.

It's not 52-card pickup, but it's close.

No, I'm just kidding. All right, ready?

Pick a card.

I want... Just not that one, please.

I want that one.

Okay, fine, you can have that one.

All right, you got your card?


Okay, great. Don't show it to me.

I'm not.

I almost saw it. Put it back in.

There you go. All right.

Now shuffle.

Can you shuffle? Of course.

All right, let's see it.


Oh, wonderful, you're done shuffling.

All right, ready?

All right.

[ Clears throat ]


Top card. The top one?

Top one. Okay.

Is that your card?

Wait! How did you do that?!

It's magic.

Okay, then do it again.

It's a one-time show.

Wow. You really are a player.

I'm not a player. I'm just... I'm just a lowly... magician.

[ Light moaning ]

[ Chuckles ]

You're not going to call. You're thinking of somebody else.

I bet you say that to all your girls.

Oh, yeah?

I don't often do this.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, I bet that's what you say to all your guys.

Want to move to the bed? Yeah.

Where's the bed?

[ Laughs ]

That way.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Moans ]

[ Exhales ]

You're so hot.

You are.


[ Exhales ]

[ Moaning ]

WOMAN: Pleasure looks good on you.

Um... Bob Marley? Basquiat...

Come on.

It's my feeble attempt at a hip art reference.

Oh, no, I can... I see it.

What are you supposed to be?

I'm a history teacher.

Good costume.

Happy Halloween. Yeah.

Um, where are you coming from?

Ugh. We went to this Halloween party, sort of.

It was really just a bunch of lesbians with fake mustaches.

'"We"? Uh, me and Anna.

Uh, care to join me?

No fake mustaches. I promise.

Is that whiskey?

Andy! Andy!

You got a freaking "A" on your freaking chest, man!

I know, man. It's "A" for "Andy"!

Hey, you know what it reminds me of? "The Scarlet Letter."

[ Laughter ]

Dude, it's "The Scarlet Letter."

[ Laughter ]


Oh, shit.

[ Laughs ]



What's up, man?

Yeah, boy!

You are way too sober right now. You know that?

You got to take it off.

Oh, my God.


We are sports fans, and the "R" and the "O" are meeting us at the party.

I see that. I definitely see that.

"Go, Rays!" Rays! Rays! Rays! Rays!

Guys, shut the fuck up.

[ Laughter ]

I got to be up early, man.

Oh, my God, I have to get up so early.

Oh, shit!

[ Laughter ]

Well, what am I going to be?

Go, Rays!

What's up, man?

Danini the wienie!

Bela wants her dildo back.

Hey, man, everything you say tonight's got to be said with an exclamation.

That's funny. That's really funny.

And if you start waxing drunk about that chick, I swear...

Don't worry about me, pal. I got laid again last night.

That's my boy!

I take back what I said.

What's that?

I don't like your place.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, thanks, Basquiat. I appreciate that.

You just need... need some art on the walls or something.

Well, perhaps you could do some of your graffiti there.

[ Glasses clink ]

You got a...

What? What?

A dreadlock. Oh.

[ Laughs ]

Um, Velvet or Coltrane?

Is that a record player?


Oh, nothing... hipster.

No, quiet's fine.

Thanks for the drink.

How's Anna?

She's good.

Yeah? Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

She wants to get serious.

What's that mean?

She thinks that we should live together.

[ Laughs ]


And you don't?

I... I don't know, man.

I was engaged.

You were not.

Yeah. Um, about six months ago.

Trust me, we had all the art on the walls you could imagine.

She, uh, helped run this gallery in Connecticut.

Something went wrong.

She was just the first to do something about it.

Mm, so she left you.

It wasn't meant to be.

You really believe in all that stuff?

Sure, why not?

I got to go.

You need Coltrane?

I don't need Coltrane. I need sleep.


You don't look anything like Basquiat, by the way.

[ Door closes ]

[ Electronic music playing ]

I'm holding it straight.

Listen to me, seriously. Okay, so...

Make sure I'm in it. Class of 2008.

Remember this for the rest of our lives, seriously.

Yeah, yeah, no, no. Are you ready? Are you serious?

Get in, seriously. Okay.

Here we go. Smile.

There it is.

[ Music continues ]

♫ Got to know what type of person you're dealing with ♫

♫ Got to know if he's a hippie or he's a pawn ♫

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Where are you going? I'm going home.

I told you... I'm tired.

I was just talking.

And I'm just tired, Andy!



Go, Rays, asshole. Go, Rays.

What happened to you?

What do you mean?

Why...? Why do you have...? What...?

Why are you a pirate right now?

It happened.

Yeah, what...? What are you guys?

What is th...? What is this?

I'm just excited to see you right now, that's all.



I'm just getting in the way of your good time tonight.

Yeah, you are.


[ Laughter ]

Reinforcements, Jon. Thank you.

I got you. Thank you.

Don't worry about it.

Come on.

Can I ask you a question?

You can ask me anything you want.

But you can't get offended.

Why would I get offended? I would never get offended.

Are you gay?

[ Chuckles ]

No. What?

Secrets, secrets don't build houses, okay?


Hey, Jon, introduce us to your friends, man.

We're just going to go and get some refills.

Wait, wait, you can get your fill right here.

What, man?

What did she say, man?


[ Laughs ]

Hey, where'd the girls go?

Come on, freckle dick. Come on.


[ Imitating Astro ] Which way did he go, George?

I'm going left. I'm going.


Suck my balls, princess.

[ Laughs ]

[ Humming conga tune ]

It's all right, man, let's go.

[ Laughs ]

Come on, Andy. Give me the ball, sucker.


Oh, shit!

Come on, colon cowboy. Come on.

[ Laughs ]


Get that crap out of here.

Did you see that?

Did you see that?


What the hell? Are you serious right now?!



Get off!

Hey, hey, hey, it's all right. It's all right.

You okay? It's all right.

What happened?

[ Breathing heavily ]

You okay? You sure? Hey, you sure?

[ Siren wailing on TV ]

MAN ON TV: The money. Where is the money?

Bela's not calling me back.


I'm thinking of calling that girl from the party.



[ Sighs ]

Night, Jon.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

I know what's going on.


I... I can't be sure if it's you or not, but...

...the ass copies.


The ass copies... copying your ass.

Someone's been doing it, and you're always by the machine.

Rand, I...

Look, I'm not necessarily accusing you.

I'm just saying that the machine will break down with all that weight on it.

I... I really have no idea what you...

[ Laughs ]

I was going to say, man.

I was like... No, but... but, seriously...

[ Clears throat ]

I took a call from the New York office this morning, and apparently they didn't get the package I asked you to send.

But I... I confirmed this morning that the package was...

I confirmed this morning that it was confirmed.

I... Excuse me.

I confirmed that it was delivered at 9:00 a.m. this morning.

Yeah, they received it, but it's not the package that I asked you to send, okay?

Half the presentation materials were missing, not to mention the cover letter.

[ Knocking on door ]


Uh, Rand?

Um, line 1. Okay.

[ Exhales ]

Look, I get it. Mistakes happen, okay?

I see my barbed wire tattoo in the mirror every morning.

People are talking, okay? You're falling off, buddy.

I'm just saying, stay on target.

Be that confident, big-blue-eyed Jon that I hired, all right?

All right?


All right. Thanks.

This is Rand.


♫ Box us in our bedroom ♫

♫ With no way to get out ♫

♫ It forces us to idolize ♫

♫ Only what we're dreaming about ♫ Street name? Yeah.


Your porn name's Lacey Tatum?

[ Laughs ]


It's hot, right?

Sounds good.

[ Laughs ]

Where you off to?


What's up, man?

Don't cheat, you fagamuffin.

I'm not fucking cheating. Don't suck.

Don't cheat, fagamuffin.

Matt, shut up.

What's your problem? Nothing, man, just shut up for once.

♫ A time we didn't bargain for ♫

[ Knocking on door ]

♫ Partially foresaw the future ♫

♫ They took us down by the cars ♫ I don't want you calling when you're drunk.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm not drunk.

♫ Drop down from above when we all get dirty ♫

♫ They'll take away our bodies ♫

♫ Then they'll take away our sight ♫

♫ This machine wasn't built by people ♫

♫ But it'll run off all our strife ♫

♫ We give it power ♫

♫ We give it power ♫

♫ We're the only one ♫

[ Breathing heavily ]

You look bored.

Are you done?

What if we went on a date?


What if we went out on a date?

[ Chuckles ]

No, I'm serious.

I love this... you coming over.

I'd just like to take you out.

I don't think so.


Because... Because I don't... I don't think so. I don't know.

We can have dinner, talk, just have a nice conversation.

I can't go on a date with you.

Why not?

Because... Because there's a lot of reasons why not.

Tell me one.

You're twice my age.

What does age have anything to do with it?

If I was going to...

If I was going to go on date with someone like you, I would...

What do you mean, someone like me?

What are you afraid of?

[ Laughs ]

Okay, I have to go.

Of course you do.

You don't want to raise any suspicions.

You don't want any of your friends wondering what you might be doing, finding out their friend is a fag.

Fuck you, Paul.

[ Gasps ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Retching ]

[ Sobs ]

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Urinating ]

[ Toilet flushes ]

[ Exhales heavily ]

It's good to see you.

Yeah, I'm glad you called.

Do you remember that time, like, the first week freshman year, we got busted getting high in your dorm room?

Yeah. Yeah?

Remember that little bitch R.A., that little, like, mini troll, fucking... I don't know her name.

What...? Do you remember?

Vanessa, I think. Vanessa, was it?

She had a big crush on you.

She did have a crush on me.

Knocking on the door. "I smell something funny in here."

So, I'm going to quit my job this week.

Oh, yeah?


What are you going to do?

I don't know. Join the circus.

How's Anna?

I'm over it.

Over what?

The whole relationship thing. You know?

You want to spark it?

No, I'm good, thanks.

Man up, dude. There's no cops around here.

I slept with a guy.

You did what?

My boss.


Last week.

So... Were you...?

Was I what?

Were you giving or taking?

Don't ask that. Come on, it's legit.

No, it's not. Oh, come on.

You know what? Fine.

[ Exhales ]

Top or bottom?

Come on, just tell me, please.

Shut up. You were a bottom, right?

Shut up. You were a bottom.

You were the cutest little bottom! I can picture it!


[ Exhales ]

Well, did you like it?

I don't know.

You don't know?

A little.

I liked the attention, I guess.

So, you think you're gay?

I like girls. I s...slept with a girl last week.

What girl?

Some girl. Ugh.

That's so fucking typical. What?

You go out, you sleep with this girl so you can get this guy out of your head.

[ Exhales ]

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

Why is it so hard for you to admit that, like, you might be gay?

Because I'm not gay. 'Cause I don't even have the...

I don't have the urge to fall in love with a man or...

I don't even have the urge to kiss a man.

What, you just want to fuck him?

Like, okay, I say you go around for, like, a week and tell people that you're gay and just see what happens.

That's ridiculous.

Why not?

Are you going to do it again?

[ Chuckles ]

You totally loved it. Oh, my God.

Maybe I am gay.

Please don't say that like it's a disease.

I just...

There's days when I know that I'm straight. I know it.

And then... And then there's days when...

Maybe what you can get from a woman, like, emotionally, you just can't get from a guy.

[ Chuckles ]

You're fucking stoned.

Yeah, well, I am stoned 'cause I'm smoking this joint by myself.

Well, if you need anything...

[ Car door opens ]

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Laughter ]

WOMAN: Stop it.

WOMAN: No, get off of me. Please.

Why, which one do you prefer? Like, just tell me.

No. Just tell me.

Hey. AARON: That's all...


Um, Michelle, this is my neighbor, Maddy.

Maddy, Michelle.

Oh, Basquiat girl!

In the flesh.

[ Chuckles ]

Um, what are you doing out here?

I was waiting for you, obviously.

The chicken is burned, and dinner is ruined.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm just kidding. I know.

Uh, have a good night.

Nice to meet you, Missy.

Yeah, it's Maddy.

[ Laughs ]

I can't believe you would say that! AARON: Why? It's like...

You're not listening to me, David.

What I'm trying to say is that the client ask for something, and we gave him what he wanted.

We delivered.

Paul, the ad looks like shit.

It sends the wrong message to buyers.

We're going to end up losing both clients.

Jon, come here for a second.

You're going to ask him?

If he likes it.

You're banking a half-million-dollar deal for a gay-targeted ad on a fucking straight kid.

Jon, does this make you want to buy jeans?

Um... no, not really.

DAVlD: Thank you.

You're right.

What was I thinking asking him?

[ Knocking on door ]

Maddy. Hey.


What's up? Are you okay?


Do you have a condom?

[ Chuckles ]

I'm a lesbian.

[ Chuckle ]

What is it?



[ Sobs ]

I'm sorry.

It was a fantasy, you know?

I'm sorry.

I really did think about it a lot... like, a lot, a lot, a lot, like all the fucking time.


I know.

All right.

You got a couch.

I got a couch.

It's an ugly couch.

See, this one really represents, you know, a rebirth, of sorts.

And yet there's so much depth in it.


Let me get back to you.

I saw you out there on your cell phone.


[ Gasping ]

[ Coughs ]

I want out.



All right.

All right.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

We were just talking about being gay this whole time.

Do you mean, "ls the party gay?" like it's lame or gay like it's homosexual?

No, I meant as in homosexual. Yeah.

Yeah, like if there was a really sexy girl, and she was like, "I want to barf on you while I'm masturbating,"

I'd be like, "Really? Okay." Like, "That turns you on? Okay."

Like, I'll... I'll... I've never done that.

[ Laughter ]

You have dated a lot of gay guys?

So, a guy being gay wouldn't... wouldn't stop you?

There would always come a point, and I'd be like, "Are you gay?"

And they'd say, "No." I'd take their word.

♫ But don't look inside my chest ♫

♫ Oh, I know we've talked, exchanged our secrets ♫

[ Cell phone buzzing ]

♫ There are some memories meant for the wastepaper basket ♫ You're not going to answer that?

Uh, no, it's... it's okay.

So, how do you know Maddy?

Uh, school. We went to school together.

Is this guy bothering you?

We're just talking.


Oh la la.


Hey. Hey.

How you doing, man?

What the hell are you doing out here?


Are you just mad because all the girls in there are lesbos?

[ Chuckles ]

It's okay, 'cause all the boys are lesbos, too.

So you're in luck.

Congratulations, by the way. Thank you.


[ Giggles ]

How's the job coming, hmm?

Uh, it's fine.

Good as it can be when you're fucking your boss?

[ Imitates moaning ]

No, wait, it was more like this, right?

[ Imitates moaning, laughs ]

I'm sorry. That's inappropriate. Let's go dance.

I'm not much of a dancer.

I know, but just come and dance anyway.

[ Laughs ]

I really... I'm not a good dancer.

I know you're a terrible dancer, but please!

I just quit my job, and I want you to dance with me, please!

All right, that's all I want. Okay, let's do it. One dance.

One dance turns into two dances, turns into 75 dances.

Just let me get my shoes. Fuck your shoes!

So, how do you know Maddy?

S...she went down on me in Barcelona.

No, I just work next to her at the gallery.

Oh, I see.

What do you...?

[ Clears throat ]

What do you do?

What do I do, or what do I want to do?

Uh, both, I guess.

I want to write novels.

Do you...? Are you working on something now or...?

[ Exhales ]

"God's Pussy Smells Like Flowers."

It's the title... "God's Pussy Smells Like Flowers."

Oh, okay, yeah, it's a... That's a good title.

But during the day, I... I, uh...

I work as a freelance web producer for advertising agencies.

I work in advertising, actually.

Really? What agency? Uh, Tabula Advertising.

Yeah, I know Tabula. Really?

Does, uh...? Does Paul Mendez still work there?

[ Chuckles ]

You know Paul?

Yeah, he took me out to lunch once at a place on Vine...

Debussy's or... Debussy's?


Small world.

[ Door opens ]

PAUL: Do you find it hard to find clothes that fit you properly?

Yeah, well, you know, it's not like I'm huge, but sometimes they're little loose in the... in the midrange.

Because this looks... this looks pretty good.

You think so? It fits nice.

Well, thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

I appreciate it, man.

Not so bad. I like... I like this.

[ Laughing ]

What's up, dude?

[ Exhales ]

What's up?

[ Laughs ]

I slept with a guy.


I slept with a guy.



Two weeks ago.



I don't know why.

Th...that's, uh, surprising.

I know.

Um, are you gay?

No, I... I don't know.

Did you enjoy it?


I just can't picture you doing it.

Don't picture me doing it.

[ Chuckles ]

You're taking this better than I thought.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I knew something was going on.


MADDY: Go back.

ANNA: I can't go back any further.

MADDY: Just move back a little bit, please.

That'd give me a better angle. No...

Just move... Just move to the right.

No, here, look. Put it down right here.

Yeah, that's a great place for a fucking table.

I'm going to go back for the rest.

Yeah, no more patio furniture, please, huh?

Just little stuff.

Look at all this shit.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clears throat ]

[ Exhales ]

Smoke me, Jon.

[ Coughs ]

This is good stuff.

[ Chuckles ]

I know.

So, how's your new job?


[ Exhales ]


It was bloodsucking, I guess, same shit.

I'm thinking of, uh, going back to school.

That's dumb. Why? For what?


Well, um, you make any other decisions recently?

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Is that it?



[ Chuckles ]


How can you be stoned? I was gone for, like, two minutes.

I'm not stoned. Yeah, you are.

I am not stoned!


You're stoned! Ugh, get off my back, woman!

You're a little stoner!

[ Laughter ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Laughter ]

I like that one.

I could screw that one in the shower.



That is awesome.

[ Laughs ]

I just said "no joke."


I'll laugh, like, in a few hours from now.

Awesome. That is awesome.

I bet you did.

Did you actually?

Crazy eyes sells it. With her lazy eye.

Yeah, like you should start being a stand-up comedian.

I do.

I feel like you would be good. I... I... I second that.

♫ Craze that sweeps the nation is consimile ♫

♫ My new parents, my brothers and sisters are within 10 feet of me ♫

♫ And modern education gave me a new family ♫

♫ All conveniently within the ages of 18 and 23 ♫

♫ And so pick your friends ♫

♫ Don't let a place pick all your friends ♫

♫ And pick your friends ♫

♫ Don't let a place pick all your friends ♫

♫ And don't let a place pick on your friends ♫

♫ The city screams: ♫

♫ "Here's your street name Yeah, you better settle down" ♫

♫ Your neighbor yells about the condos ♫

♫ You wish he'd just shut his mouth ♫

♫ The boss said, "This kid's lazy, and I just don't want him around" ♫

♫ The cop swears you'll go nowhere ♫

♫ Just take your copied junk downtown ♫

♫ And so pick your friends ♫

♫ Don't let a place pick all your friends ♫

♫ And pick your friends ♫

♫ Don't let a place pick all your friends ♫

♫ And don't let a place pick on your friends ♫