The Babymoon (2017) Script

Have you guys seen the new Kate Winslet movie?

It's great. You should check it out.

Apparently I'm told I look just like her.

And hopefully my acting career will take off just like hers.

That is not gonna help.

She wants your autograph signed with her pencil skirt.

It's okay, she'll get the hint.

I'll get you guys some sugar.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

What? The little guy?

What, the waitress?

She's only doing that because she thinks I'm gonna call my agent and tell him I found the next Jennifer Lawrence on my flight to Cartegentina.

Oh, oh, oops, I'm so sorry, sir.

Is everything okay?

Um, no, can we get a ginger ale, please?

No, it's fine. I don't need one.

Oh, is the little one creating a fuss?

How far along are you, sugar?

Way too far to put a stop to it.

I think this trend of having a Babymoon is just absolutely fabulous.

Well, it's the last vacation you're going to have for the next 20 years of child-rearing responsibility.

My acting coach in fort worth, Texas, who reads a lot of Stella Adler...

Thank you for your advice, but we can do without the down-home wisdom.

I simply asked for a drink, so if you could go get that, bring it unopened, please, okay? Mm-hmm.

And if you could please stop touching me, that would be great.

Thank you. Right away, sir.


You are such a dick.

Yeah, but I'm your dick, honey.

Hey, you like? Like our country?

You like the country?

We go one way and now we go a better way.

Watch out there. The little puppies.

I know.

They're totally gonna cross the street.

Why's it at...

Mmm, I don't think he has any plans is the problem here.

That was almost as long as that flight.

Sir. Si.


Buy a map, please.

Thank you very much, señora. Thank you.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Yes.

Homer Simpson. In your mind, maybe, but in my computer, no would.

Which, it does not exist.

Just give the passports. It's okay. It's okay, I got it.

It's okay, it's our celebrity cover name.

I... I just wanna get back to the room.


Thank you very much Mr. William Trah-say...

Mickey Vann? Mickey Vann? Yep.

Mickey Vann? I get it.

- Don't get VH1. Um, just ensure that we're on the first or second floor.

I just get really dizzy.

I have you in the premier bungalow.

Is that first, third, you know, second, maybe?

Technically speaking, it's on the third floor, but you feel like you're on...

The floor that you are on.

It'll be okay, baby. Do you have a um...

A Baño? Yes.

There is some, please.

To your left, then make a right.

And then make a right.

If you get lost, just say Baño, por favor.

Just say Baño. Baño, por... fine.

Yes, you look very nice, so they will sense that you mean "por favor," even if you don't say it.

Left, right, left. De nada.

Hasta Lu ego.

So, I couldn't notice that she has a...

Baby? Is yours?

Si. Okay, muy bien. Felicidades!

At least I'm not done yet.

Yes. No.

Best zip line for family.

Honey. You should love it.

I cannot do a zip line.

Why? It's not safe.

Cartegentina's best rock climbing.


You know what, it's okay, baby. You know what we'll do?

We'll get dressed, we'll go in.

We'll go to the booze cruise, we'll get our dance on.

Hmm? Shaka, Shaka, Shaka.

Sounds like fun for you.

Oh, right, you get motion sickness. Yeah.

It's okay, we'll just... We'll get changed, we'll go lie by the pool.

Yeah, thanks.

Ooh'. Not bad for a third world country, huh?

This room is way over our budget.

Oh, honey, you've gotta see these aboriginals with their fancy masks.

Is it Mardi Gras over here?

Uh, no, those are gas masks.

Yeah, people are preparing for the political demonstrations against our not-very-effective government.

That was not on the trip Advisor review.

Oh-oh, yeah, fight the man, huh?

Poof. Yeah, you gotta explode that one.

Oh, okay.

Um, check with the concierge.

He will make sure that you see all of the beauty of the island without any of its, you know, ugliness.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Did I... if I did something to displease you I didn't...

Please check out Ricco's bistro.

Chef Ricco's ceviche was rated number four in gourmet international magazine. He's very good.

Okay. Gracias.

What's ceviche?

It's raw fish. I can't eat it.

Hi, yes, can you please send someone a little more qualified to send the rest of our baggage? Thanks.

A little bit harsh.

She was already coming onto you.

Hanna, honey, that's a little bit paranoid.

Do not call me that.



I'm sorry.

Honey, see this?

This window?

This is a separate country. Yes.

They have their own cultures and customs, hmm?

But this is our time and we can do whatever we want.

And if you want a little bit of this, you know what I'm saying, sugar? Mm-mmm.



What color do you think for the pool, honey?

Come here. It's okay.

I don't wanna make you do something you don't wanna do.


Oh! Okay, yeah, this is happening.

Okay, we're goin' for it.

No, it's okay, honey, it's okay.

We're okay.

We're okay.

It's safer that way. I bet.

What about your jewelry?

Not worth it.

I like your designs.

I thought I was getting away from the jackals.

Looks like I brought you right to the den.

Okay, hold on. Let me just get my footing.

Oh! It's okay, honey.

I don't want you to fall back. Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Yup.

We're just making a scene.

No, I'm not. Don't worry.

Whale has beached.

Do you mind?

Ceviche rude.



Asshole, yes.

Do you know who that is?

Who, what?

That's Fabrice Mancini. I should know him from...

Do you know “friends," “two and a half men, “" Seinfeld“?

Yeah, of course. Okay, he had nothing to do with those, but he always had a knack for getting his lower grade sitcoms to air right after them.

Made a fortune. That's great.

Well, maybe he'll recognize you and you'll feel right at home.

Uh! What are you doing?

Is he looking? No.

I'm gonna go to the pool.

Do you want help? Nope, I got it.

I'm good, thanks.

You look great, honey.

Mi Amore.

At least you'll be pretty like your father.

I like that. Do that next time.

Oh, okay.

Just make sure that you send it out...

What the hell is going on here?

Honey, I'm... I... I...

Hanna, honey, it's just the receipt.

It's for a couple of drinks.

I can't drink.

No, baby, it's not for you. It's for Fabrice.

Huh? It's a classy move, right?

Sending over drinks and he has to at least thank me.

Gives me an opening.

There it is.

Hey, sir, this gentleman down there sent these for you.

Uh! Bastards.

Hey, kid, what's your name?

Diago. Diago.

How would you like to make this many pesos?

I'm gonna go back to the room. Hey, great idea, honey.

Rest up for dinner, we're here to relax.

I need you to go over to those girls and tell them that you saw someone famous.

Okay. Okay?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, um, maybe, uh, maybe "famous" is too pretentious.

Really cool. Really cool, okay.

Wait, wait, wait, um, "in awe-inspiring way."

What does this mean?

Like, uh, wow, wow.

Wow. Wow, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Wow. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Hola, señora.

Oh, shit.

I am so sorry.

The Jewel is fine.

More importantly, miss, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

That jewelry is absolutely beautiful.

May I ask who the designer is?

Uh, it's me, actually.

Absolute ly breathtaking. Thank you.

I have a small line in a boutique in Los Angeles.

I will pay for any damage there is to that bracelet.

Not necessary.

I'm the buyer for this store.

We have many hotel chains at all the top resorts across the world and I would like to talk to you about your line.

No. Yes.

Wait, really?

Unless you're not interested.

Excuse me. Can I help you?

Yeah! You, you... I saw you over there you look like a boxer.

I'm a golden Glover. No kidding.

Yes, sir. Golden gloves.

Trace Mcevans!

Dio mio.

May I please have your autograph?

Uh, yeah, certainly. You know, hey, happens all the time, you know?

Especially in the larger entertainment markets.

I mean, glad to see that my 1.2 million view er base is growing internationally.

Here you go, kid.

First famous autograph, hmm?

Actually, I got Bono's autograph last month.

He was here for a benefit concert.

Are you as famous as bono?

That's a good question.

I, uh, I, too, am in a famous band.

Wait, like a band like U2?

Well, no, we only had the one album, but our sous, "hard rock from the heart," was number one for five weeks, three of them consecutive.

Stop the show!

Yes, I know who you are. You're famous for... what?

Uh, you know, I did a little bit of TV hosting, I was in a band.

He's famous for cheating.

Somebody can be famous for this?

You heard him. Every week a million people would tune in to watch his shitty reality show.

Uh! You should have seen it.

They take this d-list celebrity couple, they stick him in the house, fill it with morally dubious cable TV floozies, while his girlfriend watches everything happening on a monitor.

Uh! It was brutal.

Ooh! And the best part, be modest...

Let me guess, he cheated?

With every single one of them.


Class act.

What was your nickname? What did they call you?

You were the prince of penis, or, um, royal dickhead what did they... something. What did they call you?

Yeah, that was a... that was a tough time in my life, and, you know, before I settled down and, as you know, it's TV and there's no actual...

I mean, it's... It's for a show, you know.

The producers they changed the name of the show.

It was actually supposed to be "lifestyle of a rocker," and you know, they made me do some things that I didn't really, you know, wanna do.

What did they call you?

King of... - king of infidelity! That's it.

Not even a good nickname, really. It doesn't roll.

If it was me, my show, "sultan of shlong."

Right? A little mysterious, a little Turkish sounding.

Not even a good nickname.

Looks like he didn't want your autograph after all, king of assholes.

That's a good one, too.

That really is. Think of the t-shirts.

Beautiful view you guys got up here.

Señora Mcevans! Uh!

Como Va shlong?


Is everything to your liking?

Shlong... yes! Everything's fine.

Please, allow me to escort you to your room.

Gracias. De nada.

Wish I could say more than "gracias."

That's very good, your pronunciation.

Constructed in the 1930s, just above the ruins, if you can look out there, the ancient ruins of the Cueva De amor, which is in English, "cave of love."

And is built where the indigenous villagers would go for romantic trysts.

I, myself, went for a romantic tryst, and I'm still trysting today.

With my wife. Oh, okay.

And now, unfortunately, it's just a rebel stronghold.

Rebels? Is that dangerous?

The people, they would come from all over to work, but the current government put a stop to what they call foreign invaders, and they said, "a la Hui, Hui, Hui," you know?

Mm-hmm, yeah, we have people like that in America, too, but we tricked them all into living in Arizona.

Brilliant, señora. May your little one share your optimism and make the world a better place.

And here we are, your room.

Whoo! Yes! Baby, I'm in there!

We are back in business.

So, your pandering went well, I suppose?

Oh, babe, he was such a fan of my work. That's great.

Yes! This is such a huge opportunity for us, huh?

Us? Baby, don't do that, this is too good.

I already said "great."

Baby, I have a meeting with Fabrice.

If I can impress this guy, huh?

He can put me on his new TV show. A musical.

Right after the new "glee" spinoff. It can't fail.

Do you know what that means? Love scenes with someone not as cool as Jane lynch?

No, this means like not... not chasing after my own celebrity hot spots and tipping off my own paparazzi.

I mean, a real acting job.

Baby, consistent work.

You know? Paying better than any reality gig.

Huh? You know what I mean?

I'm meeting with Fabrice tonight, okay?

I'm gonna... uh, white... white tank, shorts?

Pink collar, Navy slacks.

Hey, baby, why don't you... Why don't you like make yourself a tea, just relax, you know, have a nap and then, and then we'll go like at night and we'll just have a nice stroll on the beach.

You know, a nap sounds perfect.

Great. Mm-mmm!


Uh, hey! Where'd the ladies go, huh?

They clock out on me when the sun goes down.

But, I'm here to pick up the night shift.

Yeah, well, I mean, they seem to be a little distracted.

We're not all as lucky as you are, you little cock blocker.

Cute. I like the shirt.

Very David Cassidy.

Yeah, my... my wife picked it out.

I got us a table.


I hope this will be comfortable enough for you.

The hotel has the best restaurant in the city.

All I wanna do is work hard, make a shit ton of money, clock out at 5:00, go home, be with my family.

Oh, is that all? That's it.

That's it? Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That sounds like the position someone earns after 20 years at the grindstone.

Those are long hours.

That's the one thing my stay-at-home, bored ex-wives never understood.

All that time at work is required to get where you wanna go and they just think... they never got it.

I mean, listen, I think that if you're both sound as a couple and you, um, you know, you're both successful, that you avoid making those kinds of mistakes.

Well, excuse me, who are you to judge me?

You... you, no, I'm talking to you.

You're a literal fame whore.

You were on a show and your talent was banging chicks that you didn't know...

To get more famous. And you're judging me?

You're no better than these girls at the bar.

And you, you're actually... You know what? You're worse.

You're the worst kind because you expect all the attention, yet you do nothing for it.

And you're judging me. That's awesome.

I... I... Uh, I can't tell if...

Are you serious?

I can't tell if you're kidding or if...

No, this is not my kidding face.

Fabrice, I'm really...

I think you got the wrong impression here.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, well, here's the impression that I have and you tell me if I'm right or wrong.

My impression is that you crashed my dinner so that you could tell me, in some long-winded self-grandizing way!, how wonderful you would be on my new TV musical.

Am I close?

I'm not... I'm not gonna lie. That that would be a dream.

Yeah, as in fairies and elves and Santa having sex with the Easter bunny.

It would be a dream. You, in my musical.

I mean... Although, you know what?

You came here like a man to talk to me, tell me your credits. How many musicals have you performed in?

Go ahead, tick them off.

Um... well, I, I...

Do you have any actual acting experience?

Something where you haven't been on camera just playing this shitty version of the person that you are?

Tell me about your line of jewelry.

Um, I do mainly rings, um, bangles, necklaces.

I... I meant the inspiration for your jewelry.

Boredom and desperation?

Had I such a woman with obvious artistic talent, I would not let her suffer one excruciating moment of boredom.

Stop it.

I'm very serious about carrying your line.

Well, that's why I'm here, to see how interested you are in my jewelry.

Vast ly.

This is why you'll never be anything but a joke.

You have no substance.

You can't just want something to happen and wish upon a star and expect it to happen. That's not how it works.

You want a career, you want success?

Yes. Well, then work for it!

You think I went into show business hoping to do a series of successful second-rate television shows with horrible laugh tracks?

No! I would give my left nut to do a prestige drama with Morgan Freeman, but it's not knocking on my door.

They don't just give those shows away, do they?

No? No.

So, what did I do? I kept working.

I kept working and working and hopefully one day, someday it all comes together.

But I... This is not about you.

And I don't wanna be this guy.

I don't wanna be the asshole that has to tell you the truth, that none of your idiot friends in show business have the balls to tell you. Sure.

But, you know, I'm me. You know what I'm saying?

That's just who I am.

I didn't get to where I am by sugarcoating bowel movements, especially with people I'm in business with.

Now, you wanna be realistic? Okay.

Now the next time one of these opportunities comes up, you think about this, maybe you wanna do some high profile porn?

When one of these is and pregnant reality star girls turns is, you give me a call.

I know a guy, and we will make some money together.

Thank you for your time, Fabrice.



Anyway, that was basically the end of it and we never saw each other again and all the better for it because I didn't like her anyway. That's good, then.

Excuse me, can you bring two desserts?

All for me, but put them in front of her.

Thank you.

How did you know my favorite?

Well, look, you don't want anything to happen to your thighs.

So, I'll do it with mine, yeah?


I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.

Or maybe you gave me the wrong idea.

This... this meal has nothing to do with jewelry, does it?

Everything has everything to do with jewelry.

I suppose I have not been completely clear with you.

I noticed you were with a man who some of the hotel staff says is well known, and a big part of marketing is celebrity placement.

If I could get some photos of him with some of our pieces, I can almost guarantee that we can carry your line in this location for a season, see how it goes.

That is a lovely offer.

And this is a lovely dinner.


At least I don't follow around real talent like some sort of TV afterbirth.

- Oh, that's what I should have said. Waiter?

I'm just gonna have to excuse myself.

Hanna, are you okay?

You know what? You too can jerk each other off.

My arms are tired.

I'll just say I'm not opposed to the idea.

Are you upsetting my wife?

That was not my intention.

Mister... Homer Simpson.


Marge never mentioned she was married.

Sir, will you be paying? Yes.

Although I'm not sure what for.

Hanna? Honey? What's going on?

Done. Can't do this anymore, trace.

You're clearly not ready to have a child.

Honey, I've been doing so well lately.


I'm not.

But Hanna, you kept the child. I Thought you wanted to make this work.

I kept the baby because the known at the doctor's office were playing movie "Juno" on a loop.

You know what? I'm sitting there, and it occurs to me that I have options here.

I can have this baby, but I don't have to...

I mean, I can do it... I can do it without...

Without me?


I can't believe that you would even say that, or think that.

It's not always about you, trace.

I haven't felt like myself in months.

Exactly'. Don't take this hormone imbalance out on me'.!

Do not patronize me like that. It's not the hormones.

Okay. It's you.

Okay. I don't like how I feel around you.

Okay. This isn't me.

This isn't me. This isn't who I am.

I'm not this negative person.

I can't control how you feel.

You know what, you do. And I don't need that in my life.

I never needed anyone in my life, and I can do this alone.

Like your mother?

Do you think that she was happy raising you on her own?

She found her happiness.

Maybe... maybe it took her three husbands, but so what?

So what. Don't talk about my mother.

Okay? My mother's freakin' awesome.


You want me gone? Fine.

You don't need to get upset.

Your grandmother's an amazing woman.


Oh, hey, from the hotel.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

After the missus called they thought I did something unseemly and fire me. No.

It's okay. Oh.

I... I'm... I'm sorry.

She's not herself right now.

She's, you know, she's pregnant.

She's got these hormones and...

Oh, she's not herself. I'm sorry.

Maybe she's showing you who she really is.

Yeah, maybe.

Let me show you what you've been missing cooped up in that hotel room.

Hmm? I, Uh.

I... I... I... I probably shouldn't.

As is I, I've never given a big-time celebrity our special VIP tour.

I wouldn't call it big-time celebrity.

I think so.

Are you...

Señora Mcevans, is everything okay?

Murder is illegal in this country, right?

Claro Que Si.

Yes. Okay, when the police ask, you never saw me leave my room.

I saw nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Who are we gonna kill?

Where can I buy a bat.

You guys have baseball here, right? Uh, no, señora.

Uh, señora.

It is very dangerous for you out here alone.

Then come with me.

We're gonna catch that son of a bitch in the act and take him for every penny that one damn song pays him.


I will help you.

You're cutting off the circulation in your hands.

Do you mind? I'm just...

Thanks. Mm-hmm.


Ah, whoo, can't do that.

I can't... Do what?

Ah, ha-ha. I, uh, I... I... I love my wife.

And, um, If I don't consider her in all parts of my life, I'm..., I'm-—, she's gone.

And, um, yeah, and... and this is, uh...

This is all kinds of inconsiderate to her, so...

I don't think she sees you the way that I see you.

When I look at you, I see an a-list celebrity.

Whoo. Yeah, well, you know, sadly the rest of the world doesn't see me that way.

They all think I'm a complete failure.

Failure? Yeah.

But, you know, maybe that, that's what good couples do.

They, uh, they, they're honest about their failures.

You know, they're...

They don't sugarcoat their bowel movements, and, um, I shouldn't even, not even, uh, be here.

Yeah. You are here.

Yeah, and, I, uh, I... I should go.

I know that it's... it's a... It's a thrill, right, to be around a big-time celebrity.

But, uh, you got a lot going for you, kid.

You're... you're... you're... Well, you are whip-smart, and you got, you know, hypnotic eyes and... Yeah?

Intoxicating skin and... and you just...

I can't, I can't, uh...

Whoo! Can't do it.

And, and I'm, I'm really sorry about all this.

Me, too. What?

You think we should just keep heading this way?

Yes, Si. Cueva Del amor is this way.

Uh, many people go there to, um, they can go there to hug.

Yep. Got it.

Oh, look.

Got you now, you cheating son of a...

Okay, okay. Ahh.

Is this like part of the hotel or...

No, no, no, no.

Don't try to take him to the site now.

Hey, hey, no, no, no Policia.

Listen, I'll give you dinero, yeah?

Dinero and no Policia. Don't go to the police.

Okay. Yeah?

Dinero, huh? And no police.

You think I'm afraid of the police? No, no, no, no.

The police are afraid of me.


Oh, okay, yeah, hey. But we can stop at an ATM, and I'll give you lots of money.

ATM. We gonna take you to more than one little ATM visit.

Someone is going to pay big money for you.

Why? Hey, I'm a nobody.

You think...

You're, you're a no...

You act like a big somebody at the hotel.

You talk to everybody like, like you're a big shot.

Yeah, yeah, I'm American.

Almost, pretty boy.

Never without a clue, huh?


What have you gotten yourself into this time?

We must follow.

They'll keep moving him and marching him around the jungle.

If we lose them, we'll never be able to find him.

What do you mean, never be able to find them?

Follow me. But...

But they have jeeps, vehicles.

They have to go around with him...

But we can go through it.

See, all we have to do is stay close enough to see where they go. Uh, yeah, I don't know Spanish very well, but that says, that... that's red, that's not good. It's fine.

Just step very softly. Hah, yeah.

I haven't been able to do that for two months.

There has to be another way down.

So just take me to a car and we'll... We'll go to the police.

Look, I'll see if we can get any signal here.

This way or we'll lose them.

Hold on. Maybe I'm...

Oh, sh... Dammit.

That's okay, I wasn't getting any signal anyway.

Come on. You can do it.

Yeah, I can't do it.

I'm... I can't do it. I'm really sorry.

Come on. I can see their headlights disappear.

Okay, okay, I can do this.

Can't you see? Go faster.

Come on!

Okay, it's all you, Hanna. It's all you.

Dammit. Dammit, I can't do this.

This is, no, no Pellegrino.

No Pellegrino.

Oh! You just need a hand.

Let's get some help.

What is this place?

Used to be a sugar mill.

It's safer if we stay here until sunrise.

Oh. What is that?

Oh, it's okay.

It's just a three-toed tree sloth.

It's not dangerous.


Oh, he's just so cute.

He likes you.

He is just a drivers license away from replacing my husband.

Please, please, please, please.


Who would've thought sitting on a pile of rocks could be this comfortable?

This is much better.

Very dangerous in the open jungle.

Drunk hombres, big cats, little mean cats.

Okay, so where do we go from here?

We have to find the sheriff.

Why don't we just go to the police station or office or something?

Well, it doesn't really work like that.

Um, he's either one of two places:

At the bar or at home sleeping.

Well, that's inspiring.

Oh, it's sort of his way of protesting the crap laws they make him enforce.

Uh, he's a very smart guy.

Okay, so where is this bar?

We should get some people to take us.

All right, let's not waste any time.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wrong people.

It's okay, just go.

I'm giving her a tour.

Mmm. All right? Let us through...

And I'll give you two cases of beer.

That's the price for locals.

But for her...

For the gringa...

It's more for her.

Much more.

Don't make me tell your boss, okay?

We all know what happens when something happens to a gringo, hmm?

Police, army, journalists.

Journalists? Diablo.


You know what I think?

I think you're trying to steal from her and keep it to yourself.

Ooh, you sneaky shit.

You don't think I see through you?

Hey. Look, we're just trying to get back to the hotel.


Good day, señorita.

Trust me.

Dale, Dale, Dale!

You know what you're doing on this?

I think so.

Oh my...


H ey, look out.

What are they doing? Okay.

Look, I'm pregnant here, come on!

Oh, my god!

Oh. Hey!


Seriously. Don't touch me.


What the hell are they doing?


We have these... No, no, no, no.

Okay. Pretty boy.

I don't have pretty boy feelings right now.


What? Told ya.

Totally chickened out.

Oh, no.

I go the other way.

Hold on tight, I'm gonna give you some room.


You want to come and die?

Come on!

Where are we? You're safe here.

That is the toughest man I've seen in my whole life.

He's the sheriff.

And he's my dad.

Wait, what?

Okay, h ey, guys?

I'd be happy to go along with an on-camera appearance, yeah?

I mean, just... if you can guarantee my wife's safety.

And hey, you know, if you guys wanna go for fierce, right? You should probably move that... light and you just move it over there and you...

You get all... couple shadows coming through.



Ow! Watch it!

Por favor. She's fine.

Can you see my eyes?

Uh-huh. People tell me I have good eyes.

God, help us. Huh?

This is our leader. What did you say?

Nada. The eyes... Okay?

It's not easy to strike fear into the hardened western world.

For breakfast they watch a Tsunami footage.

War coverage.

And food network, Gordon Ramsey on TV.

Yeah, yeah. We have to, but they think he's funny, he's terrifying. It's a good location, let's go, action.

Action. Okay, okay.

For decades our people have endured the abuse of the upper class.

Okay, cut. Cut, cut.

Que Paso?

What is that sound?

Que pasa now?

Dio mio, por favor.

Why are you crying in the middle of my valuable time?


It was an accident, I'm so sorry.

I've been wanting to go, I would do anything to protect...

Okay, it's...

You're fine. Tell him you're fine.

Okay? Please. I'm fine.

Look. It's okay. Okay?

We have to move.

Time for one more and then we have to move, okay?

Okay. You go.

Do you have any emotional issues before I start my...

I have some abandonment issues with my father.

But I'm okay right now.


Okay, it's a little too much, okay? Let's go. A...


Okay. For decades...

Our people have endured...

The abuse...

Of the upper class, okay?

You come to us looking like Brad Pitt?

We send him back looking like Oliver twist!

We are a people.

You don't tell me to...

I'm... I'm in the middle of my live time, okay?

Stick to the script! We are not network, okay?

We are human network...

Human beings!

Thank you, I don't need your corrections right now, okay?

I took two years of English. That is perf...

Two years of English. No, you're doing okay.

You're doing good. You're correcting me again.

No, it looks great. Start again! Start again.

If you could please... Look at the camera, okay?

Look intimidating.


I'm so stressed.

And so then she told me to take her to the cave of love and then, I saw Yesenia.


Sounds like we have a kidnapping on our hands.

Yeah, well, I think you have to not wanna be there for it to be a kidnapping, no?

Well, Yesenia works with the leader of a very, very dangerous group of rebels, who have been taking high-value marks for lucrative ransom trades.

Serves him right.

All due respect, señora.

It does not sound like you want my help.

I don't know what to no, I mean, do they... Do they want money?

'Cause we don't have much, just... just enough from one song royalty to live comfortably and I mean all the reality money went to keeping up appearances and this... really fun vacation.

Well, they...

They will demand it from anyone they think can pay.

Well, so they're not gonna hurt him, right?

Oh, no. No.

They're gonna hurt him very much.

If... if he cannot get the money, if he slows them down too much, they will have to...

So that the government troops will not catch them.

So what can we do?

There's nothing we can do.

We have to wait for their offer.

No, you don't understand. This is trace.

He doesn't even know how to dress himself.

Look, your son said that... that maybe if we stay on their trail that there's a good chance that we could find them.

Yeah, we got to get the bad guys.

It's... it's...

It sounds like trying to, to catch a chicken with garden wire.

It is difficult to do.

Look, I know that I can...

I can do this on my own, okay?


I'd really rather not have his father cut up into a million pieces all over the Amazon.

Fine. Okay.

Make sure that the fort is locked down tight, and get all calls to me on the radio.

We've have endured the abuse for way too long.

You take our roses, you take our bananas...

You have oil spills... Yes, the senator will be at the bush family art gallery, opening on the 18th. Okay, thank you so much, we'll see you there.

Shannon. Oh, great. Yes, thank you so much.

The senator will absolutely be at the Koch brothers family picnic.

Shannon. Yes, we are so looking forward to it, okay.

Shannon. Shannon!

We will see you there, thank you so much.

Shannon! Mm?

Why do I care about this again?

Uh, because it was on the web and a link was also sent directly to you from a server in Cartegentina. So what?

Yes, I'm Cartegentinean, but that does not make me a senator there.

No, I know.

They also have, um, trace Mcevans as a hostage.

So that's exciting. You could sign right here.

It's for the elephants.

Should I know who that is?

I mean, it sounds familiar, but...

Is he important?

You would have to define "important."

So every two seconds an elephant is brutally murdered.

Look, Shannon. I am an important person, my friends are important people.

There goes one.

Maybe Bieber knows him.

I'm going to tweet him a PM, yes.

All right, we'll just let these elephants die.

Como esta? Okay, um...

You ready, big boy?

Let's go.

Go down. All the way down.

Vamos, vamos, vamos.

Down here? Yes, down there.

Wh... what about my wife?

She should be fine.

Likely reaching out to the embassy, who have the video from our U.S. government contacts.

Play your cards right, and these could be a real publicity boost.

Oh! Hey!


Because you can help unload the Jeep.

And we know this jungle like the back of our hand.

Trust me, there are things out there that will do ten times worse what we can.

The rules here are easy.

We're gonna travel randomly through the jungle to the north.

You run, you're dead.

You slow us down, you're dead.

You get us caught by the government?

Dead for sure.

Hey, um... what is the situation where I get to see my future ex-wife and estranged child during visitation hours?

You keep up, shut up and your people pay on time, you're gonna be okay.

It's like I said, I'm giving you the special V.I.P. Tour, where you are responsible for your own life.

You break the rules, you are responsible for your own death.

Oh, keep up.

I... I don't know the first thing about jungle survival...

Cartegentina jungle survival tip number one.

Shelter. Ham mock.

While it's still light, set it up, head heights, with about three meters between two trees.

Staying off the ground will keep you from getting bitten by most dangerous things, hmm?

Hey, you really know what you're doing, huh?

Yo, why aren't you running this joint?

Big guy's crying again?

Okay? He's fine.

He's a trained killer.

He's gonna have a baby.

That man is gonna be a father.

Wow, we're going really slow.

Sometimes you need to go slow to be able to see through.

To see through.


To see through.

So, we are... we are up in this section and I'm right about that, correct?

It's easier for me to like, figure out, you know, like, some sort of plan, like, a route or...

Oh, we're, we're picking them up?

And we're stopping.

So? Donde esta tu Madre?

No um.

Oh, yeah, let's put that down.

Let's put that down.

Okay. Yeah...

It's dangerous.

It's like a toy to them.


This is a jacket.



Is something wrong with this hammock?


Hand loop, over under. Siberian knot!

Let's kill him.

No, we're not gonna kill him.

He... what did I just say?

He is worth a lot of money.

Please don't get impulsive.

Please don't get impulsive, remember what happened last time?

We're not gonna do that again.

"Hand loop, over under.

Siberian loop each side.

I'm the queen of the jungle."

Please calm down, that's not fair, you always...

That's not fair? What are you talking about?

Always it goes back to that. Keep your voice down.

Okay, I will handle your boyfriend.

Would you calm down?

Get it together, seriously. I'm sick of it.

Good Siberian knot.

Yeah, you know, I just did the old...

Hand loop over under and...

What's next?

At your rate of exertion, you're gonna need some water soon.

Thank god.

My tongue is like a salty cotton ball.

Uh, do us all a favor and don't drink the river water.

There are worms that will grow in your body, crawl out through your skin.

Pretty bad for your movie star complexion, no?

What am I supposed to do?

No Patience?

This is also typical American?

No. I'm an exceptional screw up.

Survival tip number two, water.

You got the source right, but if there's bacteria in the water, what must you do?

Boil it. Yeah.

After you start the fire, boil the water, let it cool, then you can drink.

You know, this has to be some sort of like, Geneva violation, just to... you know...

Welcome to life outside the bubble.

Yeah, well, I was very happy with life inside the bubble, thank you very much.

Were you?


From the recording studio to the white house, Justin Bieberton gets political.

Let's have a look.

Uh, whatever dude. It's like um...

I don't know, they're just like...

So out of touch, you know?

Maybe we just need a like, changing of the guard or somethin' in today's politics?

I don't know why my daughter loves him so much.

Okay. Anyways, so Justin shared a tweet from senator Ray Lopez.

Hey, biebs.

You know this fool trace Mcevans?

Kid got biebs up with some bad guys in south America, biebs face.

Who taught him how to text?

I mean, let's be honest. If I was vice president, we'd get some stuff done around here, right?

We'd make it way better for all the ladies out there.

You feel me, girl.

You got senator Lopez... Hey, nobody calls me biebs!

Except you, girl. All right guys, come on.

That's enough, that's enough.

So Justin continued to share on his social media.

"Look, this guy is sending me tweets instead of doing anything to help this old rocker dude.

What else isn't he doing?

# seriouspolitical

# youfeelmegirl."

Great question, though. What is our senator doing?


You wanna play like that, biebs?

All right.

You now have one less follower.

70 million minus one.


One big one.

No one messes with Ray Lopez.

Oh, god.

What have I done?

Hey, Shannon!


Okay. So, now we can get back to business here.


Okay, so I'll just stay here...

While my husband's in the jungle.



Nothing quite quenches your thirst like a nice hot cup of water, you know?

Little bit of grit.

We are far from the worst kidnappers in this country.

One group forgot to feed their captive.

He starved to death halfway.

That's why we allow our new guests on a special tour to take control over their own survival.

Yes, but the problem is, is that you've never met somebody as completely self-destructive as I am.

Shit, forget surviving in the jungle, I can barely survive in a WestSide condo, eating frozen gluten-free pizza and drinking grass-fed milk, okay?

Which I forget to buy most of the time.

All right? Without someone to literally buy it for me, I would die.

What business do I have bringing a child into this world?

I'm not even a fully functional human being.

Problemas de jente blanca.

You're not going to find much sympathy here.

Problemas de gringos.

First world problems, ah?

What is gluten-free?


Juan, that's enough.

What? It... it...

Did everyone go to the farmer's market without me and my... It's in the trees.


Am I this unthreatening?

Am I... am I this unthreatening to you guys that you just... you don't care that I have a knife?


Yes, Juan.

He's quick.

Ah, Yesenia.

Yes, Juan. Not so quick.

Go get my fruit.

Not so quick.

Hola. Hola... again.

Okay, great. So we're all back in the car.

All right, so I got... I've had some time to think about a little plan of action here.

And I think I've come up with something so...

If we can just calculate the miles per hour that they are ostensibly traveling, then we can come up with a radius here.

We have a plan and so it's just...


No, no, no, no!

Seriously, come on.

Look. I was under the impression that you were trying to help me.

I will help you on my terms, okay?

In my way.

You are not the only person in the planet.

Okay, but it just seems like maybe if we come up with some sort of plan here, like, that involved actually looking for my husband, rather than picking up small children on the side of the street, then maybe we'll actually find him!

Have belief.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Comprende? Si.

Well, other than the kidnapping, how do you like my country?

Are you serious?

When this is all over, you should come back.

Yeah? Oh, we will. I'm sure.

We have the beautiful beaches, we'll book our next trip, we have... Right? Right away.

Every last rebel that gets in the way, one to the head. Yes, sir.

We'll retrieve the hostage, no matter what it takes, sir.

Yes, yes. Get the guy.


On the DL. Sir?

Just do it, but on the... On the down low.

That is exactly what we do, sir.

Well-documented. Somalia...


Bin laden.


Not that anyone should be proud of taking a human life, sir.

No. And those are...

Classified operations.

That's what I'm talking about.

DL... on the dirty.

Yes, sir. Okay, homie.

Keep me posted on Skype.

Yo. Bring it in.

What are we doing here?

I thought if we waited too long, and he'd get too far ahead and...


What's wrong with him?

Um, I'm not a doctor.

They have been trying various drugs, but technically speaking, they say that she has a virus caused by the devil.

The devil?

Uh, yes. Belief is something very powerful in this country, señora.

No, no.


Señora, no. No. The devil germs.

It's okay.

♪ Bah, bah, little sheep

♪ have you any wool

♪ yes, ma'am, yes ma'am

♪ three needles full

♪ one to mend a jumper

♪ and one to mend a frock

♪ and one for the little girl with holes in her socks

♪ Bah, bah, little sheep

♪ are you positive this is a virus?

Si, señora, Si, señora

♪ Ella habla waited and no puede comer... much

♪ and when she eats, she vomits it all out

♪ and she's very weak, and of this there is no doubt

♪ crazy, but has anyone tried not feeding her wheat?

♪ I know a gluten allergy sounds like something

♪ you can only get in Los Angeles

♪ but I saw trace go through this with celiac's disease

♪ which prevents him from digesting

♪ normal nutrients and causes a violently upset stomach

♪ and acting out irrationally

♪ Bah, bah, black sheep

♪ have you any wool?

Si señora, Si señora

There's no way that guy could catch me.

Gringo! Ooh.

Fruit aqui. Is.

Don't make me sad, don't make me sad!


You go past those rocks and I shoot you.

These? I'll shoot you!

I don't wanna make you sad.

I like you happy.

Happy man child.

Happy! Si.

This guy's a bloody marksman.

Oh! Don't do this.

Hey, guy, I like nature documentaries!

I told you, gringo!

Gringo, what did you do?

I've killed.

We're eating well tonight, boys.

I got jungle blood on my hands.

I'm one of you guys now.

You're celiac's.


Some kind of poisonous alligator species or something?

No, no.

You just alerted them to our location.

The police?

No, I didn't use a gun, I used a knife.

Not the police. Worse.



Christian, no one gives a shit about our greenpeas to fund the fungus farm.

They don't want the truth out there we could feed the world.

What is that?

Are those spider monkeys humping across species again?

No, like a whole alligator just went off the grid.

Vitals escalated and then bang, like, gone.



Poachers of the jungle!

The authorities are on their way.

Oh, pinche greenpeas!


Papa, we got to put them in... gracias, Diago. Enough to even feed them!

Not even cornbread. Yes, we... we will catch the bad guys.

Like the lowest of the lowest bread.

Anything? Uh, we shall see.

I told you that belief is very important in my country.

You show them that you have kindness in your heart, and for that they would like to help you.

See, in the jungle, it is better to have 100 eyes, than just four.

So that's what you were doing with all this driving around?

Finding ways to help people to rally them?

Yes, when I was young, I thought that I could do it by myself.

I was the toughest, because I was, and because I could.

But in the jungle, no, no, no, no, no.

You need the people, lowest??

That is the only way to do it here.

Unlike you Americanos, we believe that we still need each other.

Not true.

I mean, I design jewelry, but I don't make each piece myself, and I didn't create Etsy.

I don't deliver to each person's doorstep, but, I mean, we all need other people no matter how independent we think we are.

Independent, yeah.

The independence you speak of, yeah, it sounds more like isolation.

We all need the people in the village of our heart.

The people in the village of your heart, that's a nice way of seeing it.

Cartegentina is a tough life.

We are the best at nice. Wait and see.

The tracker says they're right here.

That's them!

We got these bitches.

Attention, poachers.

Authorities are en route.

Oh, that was record timing.


We are representatives of greenpeas.

We mean you no harm.

Back's empty .

So is the bottom.

And I'm not seeing any sign of the gator.

Where is the gator, sir?

I don't know, maybe the swamp, you can find it in a swamp.

You already turn him into a handbag, huh? Huh, you piece of shit?

There have to be more of you. Where are they?

Where are your amigos?

I'm just here all by myself.

Can you pop the hood? Pop the hood!

So help me, we will lay in front of this car so fast.

You're gonna see how greenpeas does it.

You're about to get swamp, son.

I'll go. Okay, right here.

Wait, what if he goes into reverse?

Do you think you were gonna reverse, bitch? Ha!


We think of everything!


This was a good idea.

Who thought of this?

A good leader can recognize a good idea.

Yesenia? Yes, Juan.

This your idea.

It was a good one.


Let's go, guys.

We carry it around the rocks to the other side of the river.

Was that so hard?

Fearless leader, huh?

Maybe my ideas are not so bad?

Okay, okay, you're a good insurgent member.

Thank you.

Now, what do you think about my plan b for the gringo now, huh?

Uh, your call.

It just makes sense.

Poor gringo baby.

I know, baby grande.


Yeah? Gringo baby daddy here.

Concerned about his future.

You know, we are not here to hurt you.

That's great news. How do we keep it that way?

Ransoms can take months before they get to us.

Whoa, months?

The money doesn't go to us. Money goes to the revolution.

La revolucion! Revolution?

As a compromise to get you back to your family, we want to take you to see some of the evidence.

Mass graves, chemical weapons, illegal trafficking, real first world shit.

No kidding. Congratulations.

That's pretty good for such a tiny country.

These are some of the atrocities our government is guilty of.

We want you to go back to the American people on television and tell them about us.

Getting on TV to say something important, that's, like, even harder than what I do.

If you can promise this, we will take you north to the border and free you to our neighboring country's embassy in just a few days.


I can try.

No, I need you to swear it.

Okay, I swear.

Yesenia? Yes, Juan?

That sounds like a weak promise.

Cartegentina jungle survival tip number three, never break a promise.

I swear to show the atrocities.

Okay, okay. Yesenia?

Yes, Juan?

I don't know about this idea anymore.


Let it be, please.

Let's... We're gonna play it out play out. What is play out?

Just go... What is play out?

Are you with me?

No. No?

I'm not with you. Are you serious?

I'm not with you. Surprise, surprise.

Okay, vamanos! Back in the boat.

Number, number, back, back.

Go a little slower then?? Faster.

Then??, faster, slower.

So, guys, are you going to give me a ticket or something?

A ticket? For the nefarious murder of a caiman number?

Who's the cold-blooded one now?

Heh, heh, nice.

Get it, cold-blooded?

Stop, don't move.

Watch it man! Those are very endangered arrow carrier trees.

If you're trying to shoot him, here.

What? Girls can't shoot where you're from?

Boom! Who's the tranq queen? Don't move, don't.

She's a good shot with a tranquilizer.

Yeah, well I meant to miss him so he'd lead us back to his camp.

Looking for this gentleman, have you seen him?

You're looking for Ryan seacrest?

Is that a yes or a no?

We haven't really seen humans, in a while.

You know, especially tall, sexy, handsome ones.

So yeah, no, we haven't seen him.

Well if you do, there's a significant reward for anyone helping to obtain the subject.

As in money?

For like, whatever we want?

Typically that's how it works.

We don't give out gift cards.

What about you? What do you give out?

Do you want your phone?

Nice to meet you.


You should have listened to me.

You, I told you to paddle faster.

You, I said slower. Pero we me we.

I told you to look out for that branch.

Hey, you okay?

Si, mama.

I'll just take a nap.

Oh, no, nope, nope. Sit up, okay.

You could have run away.

You're a good mama.

Yeah, I don't know how to be much more than a good looking guy, but I did take an extensive first aid class when I found out Hannah was pregnant and it suggests you stay active and alert when you get a concussion.

There you go. Mama, you make the best spaghetti.

Oh, geez.

My god, you guys are making me lose my shit.

Bueno, bueno, bueno. Tell your Madre I I say hello.

Did they find him?

I think the jungle may have found him.

That's him?

One gringo marching with a group of armed rebels?

Yes, I would say that is him.

Who the heck is that?

That could be trouble.

And there's no way to get around the mountain before they do.

Well, I mean, is there another way down?

Come, come, come.

Follow where the yellow crested blackbirds are flying away from.

Got it.

Come on, guys, we've all made mistakes.

I mean, I've made mistakes.

My wife, she wants to divorce me.

You've gotta do something to make it better.

Like move ahead and make amends, right?

You sound exactly like our current government.

Saying all these things, excuses, promises that don't mean anything because you're not giving us the one thing we need to make us happy.

No more political murders?

Oh please, the country has those.

I'm talking about choice.

You know, you can't control her to do exactly what you want her to do.

Control her? Please, it's not like I'm holding a gun to her head and being a dictator.

Yeah, Presidente apendejo definitely said that.

You know, your head, you're so far into the future.

Worrying, worrying about your place inside that...

You've never been present enough for her to be heard.

Oh, she just can't ignore... Let alone make a decision on her own.

The wicked barbarity of the past. But that's the point.

Give her the choice in the present.

And then, I don't know, maybe support her?

At least she made the choice.

And usually, however... however begrudgingly, we have to rationalize and, you know, even if the situation is clearly worse.

Clearly, worse.

At least we are happier to have had the freedom to make the choice.

Isn't that what we're fighting for here?

Isn't it?

It's not about promises for the future, it's about working hard in the present to make the future that we want.

That's worth all this.

All this, come se dice... shit!

Exact o .

I guess that's the first step.


No, just...

Even I am afraid of this one.

I don't know who maintains it anymore.

Dammit, what kind of Babymoon is this?

I mean, all I wanted was one of those nice relaxing couples' beach massages with those cute little... Those stones, those hot stones, and then those cup things that leave those really horrible marks on your back.

Is that too much to ask for?

Your call.


Like this is gonna save my life.

I can't do this. Let's just call for back up.


Hey papa, did we get those guys?

No, no, not yet.


Wow, he sure loves justice.

Yes. His mother was killed in criminal violence.

As proud as I am of the man he's becoming, as tough as I am, the loss of a parent is a sadness that I cannot replace.


Oy, Diago?


We need to move to the other side of the mountain.

Let's do this.

Oh, my god!


They found us.

Into the jungle!

Spread out! You, stay here.

Who is it?

This could jeopardize the entire movement.

Señora, kill the gringo.


Trace. Han na, stay back.

Stay back. I brought help.

Baby. You brought the government?

Yes, you're surrounded. Let him go.

Don't do this. Hey, hey we had a promise, remember?

Rule number three, you never break that.

They're going to take you away, trace.

No one will know what happened here.

Maybe like this, someone will come and investigate.

You're right, you're right.

Okay, this can be solved with my death, or... or it can be solved with your choice.

Remember your choice?

Yeah, you've got a choice right now, you can choose.

You don't, I will.

Whoa. All of you.

Hey, hey. All of you.

Juan! Yesenia.

Juan Yesenia.

Juan Yesenia.

All the guns are pointed at me!

Okay, okay.

Told you, son, we know every leaf of this jungle.

So we got it, right?

- The reward money for finding him? Don't have him yet.

They don't call me the tranq queen because of my raging barbiturates problem.

Hey! Hey!

Yesenia, just run.


Help! My wife has been shot!

Dammit! I never miss.

I meant to shoot her in the chest.

Que? Whoa!

Have a bowl of quinoa and chill out, dude.

It's just a tranquilizer.

It's a 100% organic tranquilizer. You're good.

Whoa, I'm dizzy, but I'm okay. I'm okay.

Embrace it, all right? You'll have a really nice nap.

You'll be a awake in, like, two days?

Two days, tops.

No, these are not for humans.

At her body weight and condition, the lowered heart rate can kill them both.

Both? He's okay.

They usually don't kill.

Most people.

She's pregnant.

Oh, come on!

Yes, sir, we have visual. Extraction is imminent.

Hey! Hey!

Trace, that is a U.S. special forces MH6.

They're not going to help. They're orders are going to be to take you across the border to the consulate.

That may be too much time for her.

Hey, listen, listen, the best thing to do is to get her to the village down the road to stabilize her.

I know exactly where the doctor is.

Okay, okay, Hanna, baby.

Honey, did you hear that? Hi.

Hey. Hey baby. Hi.

What do you want to do?

You've got the choice, okay?

I'll stay with them.

Stay with them? Okay, you stay with them.

We'll stay, we'll stay.

Uh, actually there's a reward, so we're gonna have to...

No, they're right. If you stay with us they're going to hunt us down.

Go with them. Go with them.

Okay, I'll go, okay?

Hanna, honey, you're going to be okay.

Okay. You're gonna be okay by yourself.

You're always okay by yourself.

But I need... The village... people.

Okay, baby, I know what you mean.

I'll be your macho man, okay?

All right, okay, everybody, everybody hide. All right?

Thank you.

Hey, trace, rule number three.




Am I dead?

No, you'll be fantastic.

Both of you.


He's not going to be some sort of adrenaline junkie now, is he?

Good joke. Strong.

You see, señora, never be afraid to believe in good people.

America will be happy to see you.


President back home, I've set up a press conference at the embassy.

Great, Shannon, I'm going to want you to get every media outlet we can get to be there at this press conference.

Congratulations. Oh, thank you.

You know, see, I've been polling kind of cold, lately.

And this is the.. Senator Lopez. Fantastic.

You're looking good. Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Kind of cold and this is going to be that one moment I need to push us toward the vice presidency slot next year.

Great. I'm on it. I'm on it. I know you are.

Maybe you can pay me one day.

Any word from trace?

Uh, he made it to the consulate.

It will take him some time to clear it all up with the see, but go, get some rest.

Tomorrow I will come and take you to the airport back to him.

Well, this has been quite an adventure.

Thank you.

See, señora Mcevans.

- Hi. Hi.

Just so you know, I said nothing to the police.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I have a little surprise for you, right this way.

She's not picking up.

Get through this.

Make a little speech.

I'll fly you back in country myself.

Okay. Has someone already styled you?

The hair, the tattered clothes, you look fantastic.

Uh, thanks?

So, let's get to the see gritty and review what you're going to say to the press.

Okay, well, I was supposed to tell the world about the government atrocities, but I never got a chance to see them.

Well, we'll just embellish the fear you felt during the abduction.

We want some real drama before we get to the part when you shake hands with the congressman and then, boom'.!

State your confidence in the current political regime.

I don't think that I'm in a position to talk about these issues much less issue a statement of support for the current government.

Trace, the whole world is focused on you right now.

I don't have to tell you how rare that is or how important your words will be.

You're gonna be great.

Please accept a complimentary couples' SPA treatment.

Wow, I'm not saying that I don't need this, but why?

I believe a guest of ours requested it as an apology for a dinner gone wrong.

Oh, yeah. That was really nice of him, but it's just me.

Even more of a reason, girlfriend.

Okay. Enjoy.

Thank you.

Is there anyone else you want to call while we're waiting?

No, I don't know anyone's numbers.

The only reason I know my wife's number is because she made me memorize it.

You know, I just got kidnapped.

Uh, yeah, actually. I've got... thanks.

I know, people have asked me, "am I running? Am I going?"

I can't really answer that today because that's not why we're here.

We are not here for Ray Lopez, possible vice presidential candidate.

That's not why we are here.

The world brings its full attention to Cartegentina.

And as a Cartegentinan-American, I am proud to bridge the gap between our two administrations, and here on U.S. embassy soil please welcome home my fellow countryman, William trace Mcevans.

Where did this guy go?

Hello, everyone, hello.

I am producer Fabrice Mancini.

Perhaps some of you...

Evidently not, I'm gonna be the spokesman for trace Mcevans today .

Trace is taking some time privately to prepare himself to meet the public and discuss his incredible ordeal.

I'm also here this morning to announce a very special new project that we're working on together.

I have arranged a V.I.P. Tour with the Cartegentian rebels.

They will take my documentary film crew further into the jungle than any crew, any crew, has ever gone before.

And we will hear for the first time, from the rebels themselves.

And as it turns out, every once in a while there are some things that are worth fighting for.

Any questions?

Is everything okay?

It's beautiful.

It's just not perfect.


No ma'am, I'm just taking over.


Took you long enough.

Why am I not surprised?

I certainly wasn't going to let you experience this all by yourself.

If you allow me to join you, of course.

What, for the massage, or the pushing another human being out of my body?


Thank you for making this perfect.

Best vacation I've ever had, I'd say.

So much so, that we decided to make it a tradition and come back for number two.

Yeah, why not every year.

Very French.

My gosh, sounds like you might not have stayed together if you hadn't gotten away.

Getting away really gave us some perspective.

It's true.

That's how that Oscar-nominated documentary got made, right?

Oh yeah, did for that old government what BLACKFISH did for sea world.

And it gave Fabrice Mancini his first film of credibility.

Oh, papa's getting a call.

Hi. Come on, trace. Hook a brother up.

Get me some good press.

You're my press secretary.

On vacation.

I got you out of the goddamn jungle. Remember that, okay?

All right. Trace, I was just kidding.

Okay? Kidding, kidding. Come on, man.

Okay, I'll do my best.

I have to go now and spend time with my family.

Oh, that boy!

Okay. Bye.

What does he want?

To be Mardi Gras grand Marshall?

Pretty close, actually.

These old folks make up the craziest stories.

Madame senator.

For your visit.

Madame senator.

Enough with the senator stuff, I'm just ahead in the polls in what looks to be a fair election, so a good first start.

Hi, papa.

One bit of business beforehand, congressman Lopez, he wants to stand next to you at the swearing in ceremony.

The guy, he's a bit of a ham, but he likes the publicity, what do you think?

Only on the grounds that he support my initiatives and I get a kiss from that baby inside.


Baby grande, you look good. Thank you.

Madame senator? Yes, deputy Juan?

This is the cutest baby I have ever seen.

Madame senator? Yes, Juan?

This is still the cutest baby I have ever seen.

Si, yo se.

Hey, have fun with your adventures, guys.


♪ We are the army of lovers

♪ we pledge allegiance to Venus chia seed smoothies, I make a good one if you want to come back after you're done with all this gun stuff.

Long trip, sailor.

So is that a no or a...?

King of the holes.

Good one, baby.

You know what, I'm going to make you my head of development, because I've got something developing right now.

♪ Sometimes you lose the battle I mean what kind of Babymoon is this?

This is not what they have in those "sunset" magazines with the big island men that rub coconut oil all over your back and is that too much to ask for?

Is it?


Forget surviving in the jungle. I can barely survive in a WestSide condo eating... eating like that.

You bring us Brad Pitt? We send you back Harry Potter.

We want retribution. We want fair wages.

We want equality.

We want Hillary Clinton. Why did I say that?

No, but you don't want to be on the first floor because the children make noise and they throw stones at the windows.

If you're on the third floor you will not hear the stones on the windows because they can't throw that high.

Massage chair or mass... Because I think in the...

There's a SPA package. Yes.

Masseuse coming to the room. There was an asterisk.

And if you go the bottom of the page it says "please sit in the massage chair before you come to a masseuse because you will receive more benefit if you are pre-massaged."

♪ Let it out

♪ let the night