The Bachelor Weekend (2013) Script

Jesus Christ.

You are my sunshine My only sunshine You make me happy when skies are grey You'll never know, dear, how much I love you Please don't take my sunshine away The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping I dreamt I held you in my arms And when I woke, dear, I was mistaken And I hung my head and I cried You are my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are grey You'll never know, dear, how much I love you Please don't take my sunshine away


Oh, my God. Why is it so cold?

Get in here.

Oh, warmth.

Clementina. Oh, go on. Answer it.

No. Don't tell me it's not working out already.

Beep. But she's lovely, Davin.

You've only been seeing her two months.

Two months and a week on top of that, so that's nine weeks.

What was it this time?

Her left eye... Oh, God.

This is serious... becomes slightly lazy when she laughs.

And that's it? That is a valid reason.

What about the last girl, Clare?

Gummy Anna? Purple, purple gums. Yeah.

That's right. Hey, how are you doing?

Mm-hm. It's me, Anna.

And, er, remember the Galway girl, um, how were her gums?

Her gums are actually fine, but what was wrong with her was her endless humming. But not songs. No songs.

Just endless, mindless, tuneless humming.

Reading, driving, walking.

These things are signs.

No, they're not. They're normal, human characteristics.

You are going to end up on your own, alone forever.

Don't you want to find someone to love?

Jesus, Fionan, who are you, my fucking mother?

When I find someone, I'll let you know.

Okay.

How's the wedding plans going? Do you really want to know?

Yeah. I'd like to talk about it.

Still a bit stressed?

Each detail leads to the next detail and each decision is as important as the last. It's exhausting.

You're a strange, strange man. I know.

Oh. I shouldn't be showing you this, but if I can't show my best man, who can I show? What is that?

She looks beautiful. I am marrying this woman.

Mm.

Congratulations, buddy.

I haven't shown her yet, so it's a surprise.

Please don't give the game away. No, absolutely. I tell you what.

I'm pressed for time, 'cause we've got to go through the name cards and the menu fonts. Here it is.

Did... Did you make this? I'm a theatre set designer.

Okay, that is an enormous relief.

So what do you think, Linda? What I think?

Wow, Fionan. Actually, it's Fion-awwwn.

Oh, I'm sorry. Fion-awn.

One more time, Linda. Fion-awwwn. Fion-awn.

Fion-awwwn.

Fion-awn. Fion-awn. Fion-awwwn.

Awwwn. Awn.

Awn. Fion-awn. Fion-awwwn.

Fion-awwwn. Thank you.

So sorry I'm late, guys. Hi.

Work is mental. Hi! Don't worry.

Hey! Aw!

Linda, what is it? No, no, no. Fion-awwwn.

Surprise. No.

Yes. Look.

This is us.

This is where we enter. The speeches take place over there.

I don't know what to say. It's so cute.

Oh. It's the florist.

Oh, do you want me to...?

No, I'll... Hello?

Look at this, Linda. It's so intricate.

Isn't it?

Also a little mad. I know.

He is certainly not your average groom-to-be, not your usual guy.

In what way? Most guys don't give a shit about details. Usually they just nod and smile and scrub up for the day. Very few of them make a doll's house.

Oh, it's a diorama. Yeah, that's the word.

And he is so metro. Metro?

Metrose... politan. Metropolitan.

Usually, the only plans men care about are the ones they make for their stag weekend.

No, Fionan's not going on a stag. That makes sense.

That was the florist, Linda, saying the bouquets do not have to be ranunculus. Oh.

Did you have a conversation about ranunculus?

I um...

Ranunculus.

I'm worried about Linda. Oh?

Are you listening to me? I have problems with Linda.

We should fire her. What?

We are a month from the wedding.

A wedding that's going to look like it took place in McDonald's.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Our wedding day is about me and you, not about... place-card fonts, or... thematic coherence.

The theme is us.

We've got to focus on why we're marrying each other.

Focus on the why.

I'm so sorry.

I'm going nuts trying to make sure it's the best day in your life because... I already know it's going to be the best day in mine.

You don't have to try and make it perfect.

It'll already be the happiest day of my life.

But for me, the section of the book concerning Levin and agrarian reform engages the heart just as much, because we stand rooted to the earth for far longer than we ever are... in love.

So we'll leave that there.

Thanks, folks. Hi.

Hello. So I was just passing through.

Passing through? Okay.

Okay. I need you to organise a stag for Fionan.

Fionan is not a stag guy.

That is why I need you to organise a stag for Fionan.

Why do you want that? He's too caught up in all of the...

The wedding.

Okay, yes. Yes. Yes.

Have you any ideas what we could do or...?

You go walking and hiking and like scaling mountains and stuff.

Yeah, I've still got the compass you gave me.

Oh, you still have that?

It's a great compass. Yeah.

Okay, well, I will float that.

Thank you, Davin. You know, it is Fionan, so don't get your hopes up. I am marrying him, Davin.

Yeah.

But get him up a mountain. Seriously, get him up a mountain.

Yes, sir. Okay.

Thank you. Hey, I'll see you on Sunday.

You will. Okay.

Hello! How are you?

Oh, lovely. Thank you very much.

Hi, everyone. How are you doing? Hey, Davin.

All right? Yeah, yeah, good.

Cheers, guys. Cheers.

That is the thing about walking that people don't get.

It's tough. It's pretty wild. But you're still just walking.

You are still walking, Fionan, but you're also climbing for bits of it.

Do you kill your food? No, no, I bring energy bars.

And bananas. In Iceland, Uli and her family bring hunting tools when they hike.

They can source snacks and things.

Snacks? Like reindeers and salmons?

Yes, that is what we kill. Good.

What about you, Fionan, what do you do for exercise?

I walk to work and back daily. Oh, punishing.

He also gets lots of exercise arguing with our wedding planner.

Lively collaboration.

Actually, speaking of walking...

Men, Simon, the Kevinses, how do you feel about a little walking holiday to drag Fionan here away from the wedding planner and out into the fresh air?

Like a stag?

Rugged gentlemen, alone up a mountain, sounds great.

I'd find a way to enjoy that. Great, brilliant. Simon?

Uli knows I'm good in the wild. You're not good in the wild.

Fionan? Yeah, no. No way. No stags so...

Fionan, have you ever even been on a stag?

No. So not even a weekend walk?

I don't enjoy being in exclusively male company for long periods.

There's something forced about it and false, all that banter...

I mean, under what other circumstances would we five ever agree to be in a tent in the shitting rain in mid-November all for the sake of some needless ritual?

So er, so what about hens in general?

Or my hen, is that just some stupid needless ritual?

Oh, no, babe, but I would happily go on your hen night.

You want to go on my hen?

Okay, Fionan, one of my favourite things to do is have sex with a man and even for me that's a bit too gay.

No, come on, guys. Leave him alone. Fionan has got his principles.

Maybe a walking holiday's just a bit too rough and tumble for him.

Okay, Davin.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Yeah, stag it is.

Yay, stag.

The stag!

Well done, bro.

Is this something that we need?

The spoon, so you just eat.

Argh!

No? No.

Ooh.

Is this our tent? That is a tent, eh? Look at this.

Should we... Should we... buy it? Yes.

Let's go for it. Let's do it.

Okay. Let's buy it. Let's pay up and get out of here.

Careful, are you okay? Yeah.

You're fine? I'm fine.

Okay. It's stuck.

No. Just give it a tug. Unstick it. It's a zip.

It's caught. Give me a go.

Don't force it. Gently.

Just prise it.

Oh! We are stuck in a tent.

Okay, try that one. Got a can opener?

One, two, three.

Wait, wait, wait, careful.

Hello? We're in the forest display!

Is there another exit? Stop pushing.

Help!

Hello?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Don't panic! Don't panic! Okay?!

Get me out of here. Get off of me!

Hello? Whoa! Ah!

What are you doing? We're trying to buy a tent.

Simon, you're crushing me to death!

Simon!

Yes, it's lovely. We'll take it.

Are you ready? I'm ready.

Woof.

Grrr!

Oh, don't tie me up with your rope, Mr Stag Man!

I love it! I want it all off!

If I'd known you were so into this, I'd have tracked and shot a squirrel or something.

Hey, now you're going on a stag.

Yeah, baby. You have to invite The Machine.

What? Well, he's my brother.

He's gonna be your brother, too. My brother-in-law!

That's what stags are for, getting to know each other better.

I already know him.

Properly. Properly I know him.

You guys haven't bonded. I know that he can be a bit full-on, but The Machine is a good man.

You have to invite him.

No. Yes.

No, no. Yes.

This is the brother who... Yes.

With the... and the... Yup. Mm-hm.

No. No. No.

We are doomed. We'll call off the stag.

We can't. She'll know why. There is no exit strategy here.

The Machine. The Machine!

You have no idea what it's like to spend five minutes with this man over drinks on Christmas Eve, let alone a whole weekend up a mountain!

He is insane and as far as I'm concerned, it is all your fault.

Why is it my fault? For suggesting the idea.

In the first place, like an imbecile.

I didn't... I... You should never dabble in social conventions that were not designed for you.

Jesus, Fionan, I'm at work. I'm actually about to give a lecture.

You fix it. Okay, yeah, I'll fix it.

I'll call him. I'll say it's kind of a literary walk.

No, religious. Yeah, religious.

A religious pilgrimage.

A religious abstinent pilgrimage to various shrines.

A silent, religious abstinent pilgrimage to various shrines.

Ancient shrines. Say the weather forecast is bad.

Terrible weather. Tell him the Kevins are gay.

Make them trannies. Vestite or sexual?

Vestite. Do it now. Make the call. Now?

I can't work until it's done. Yeah, okay, I can't either.

Give me your phone. What do you mean? Why?

No, but why can't we do it on your phone?

Because you're the best man.

Shit.

Okay.

It's ringing.

Voicemail.

Leave a message for The Machine on the machine!

Hi. This is Davin. I'm a friend of Fionan's who's marrying your sister.

This weekend we are going...

We are embarking on a silent walking retreat with some transsexual friends of ours in the rain and we wanted to let you know that.

Er... you can call me back if you want, but it will be just as I say, wet and silent and boring and weird.

Okay, bye-bye-

Keep me posted. Remember, this is all your fault.

Okay.

Dostoevsky.

Oh!

Hi, girls!

Hey.

We need to go, okay?

24 missed calls.

My God. Yeah. Let's go.

Let's go, okay?

Davin, come here.

Where is The Machine? Oh, yeah.

We've been playing phone tag, but he's got the details.

He's making his own way down. He's making his own way down?

He's making his own way down.

Okay. He's making his own way down.

Have fun! Okay, you too!

Bye. Bye, have fun. Bye.

Bye!

Let's go!

Okay, okay.

This is actually going to be fun.

Bye!

Okay, just one call. I'm so sorry. One second.

The Machine, hi.

Listen, I'm just checking that you do know about this stag.

Oh, yeah. Did he call you back?

No?

Well, I can give you the address. Yeah, I'll text it to you right now.

Guys, I just want to say, I know I was really reluctant about the idea of a stag. but I think this is going to be brilliant and I'd just like to thank my best man and best friend Davin for putting it all together, okay?

Well, now that we're all here, I can tell you that we dodged a serious bullet today.

Yes, we did. You know Ruth's brother?

The Machine knows about this? Yeah.

The Machine? You don't want to know.

Yes, I do. Davin here took one for the team.

And after an elaborate subterfuge and 28 missed calls and 24 messages...

Oh, play one. Play a voice mail. Dare I?

I've never actually heard this guy's voice, but the stories would make your shit turn white.

This is genius.

Okay, Gavin, or whatever your little name is, it's The Machine.

I'm sitting here with an enormous, raging stag boner on me right now.

You hear me knocking, let me in. First thought right out of the gate.

We are going To Africa!

Activities, harness wedgies, six men, three bed sheets, a pound of chicken fat and we don't shave his balls, we shave his asshole!

Put a little lipstick on the ring piece.

Might be a job for those trannies you mentioned.

Think global here, Facebook, Twitter, anything that will allow it for five minutes and boom, the whole world's looking at Fionan's dolled-up kicker.

Are you with me? It is insane that you have not called me back yet.

I've done 22 tours of duty, my man. I'm gonna get nuclear on you.

Davin, Davin, Davin. Just give it to me, Davin.

What the fuck did you just...

Yeah.

Is that... The Machine!

Konnichiwa, fuck sticks. Hello.

I'll deal with you in a minute. Which dick slice is your commander?

What? Who's the point man?

Is that a sports thing? Your best man, groom job.

This is him.

Kevin? Davin.

Gavin? No, Davin.

No, Gavin. No, Davin with a D.

No, Gavin with a G. Oh, okay.

So Muggins here has to drop everything in his life and drive 220 miles on the fly, because this little cum sock can't answer a fucking telephone!

Because... No, because... Why aren't you standing?

Be...

Listen, The Machine... And the kicker, my sister.

That is to say the fucking bride-to-be has to call me her own self to fill me in on this little circle jerk!

Wait a second, because... Do you have any idea how many rules of stag protocol you have ass-mangled in that one move?

That is a heinous dereliction of best-man duty!

Yo-se, the brother-in-law ese, comprendez?

Okay, okay. I ought to pluck every pubic hair on your girly ass from your balls to your brow right here in this place with my teeth!

Oh, er, I actually tried to call you.

Where's your phone, soldier? What?

Give me your goddamn phone, shit bird.

Sorry, just a sec.

There you go.

When did this take place? Just now.

Why did this take place? The phone's a really bad phone and I've been having a bit of difficulty with it and I really got just so frustrated at it, I erm... I erm...

I fucked it in a jug of water!

His phone's been on the blink.

I had to call Fionan, because I couldn't get through to Davin.

He's been quite un-contactable.

Look at your fucking face, Gay-vin.

You must be spitting feathers. Let me hose that down, because... At ease, folks! I am here now and that is the main thing.

Reporting for duty.

Come here, Fionan! Argh! Argh!

That really hurts, The Machine! Good to see you.

Yeah, thanks for coming down. No problem!

God! Sound off. Who have we got here?

Who's this little choir boy? Er, Simon.

Hi Th-imon!

Why do I know you?

The Machine, this is my brother Kevin.

Oh, that makes us huggers! Get in here, bro!

Ha-ha! Good to see you. Get down there. What the fuck is that?

Er, yes, The Machine. This is Kevin's...

Dad?

This is also Kevin. You're both called Kevin?

That's right. That's ridiculous.

What do you call each other? Kevin.

Insane. Okay, big Kevin, little Kevin.

Look, I'm actually not that big. Noted. Enormous Kevin. Tiny Kevin.

Okay, housekeeping done. Budge up, budge up, budge up.

Chief bridesmaid, hit me with the itinerary.

Have it downloaded before I make party.

I mean, I'm good, but even I couldn't decipher the code in your voice message.

Religious walking retreat I presume is the pub crawl from hell.

Am I right? That I got, but the tranny twist, I was all like, what the fuck are we talking here? Bangkok?

Saigon? And then I cracked it.

Fellas, are we going to Cardiff?

Look at you parched little lizards. Bar Wench!

A tray of shot glasses and a bottle yesterday!

This little single-cell organism is getting fucking married!

To my sister.

What the fuck are we going to do? There's nothing we can do.

What the fuck can we do? I'm letting you know now I'm leaving first thing in the morning. I'll make my excuses.

Fuck you! I didn't sign up for this.

Go fuck. Had I known that he was even a possibility?

Come on, Simon! Fuck you! This is your shit.

Fionan is getting married. Like it or not, you were on his stag.

Show some loyalty for fuck's sake. Also you have to drive us home.

Thanks, Bernard. Good man.

He's coming. Well, I'm going to bed.

Erm, me, too. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Park it, sisters, mandatory shots. Oh.

We were just on our way to bed before you arrived.

We've a long day of walking tomorrow.

Walking whence? From pub to pub?

No, walking. Walking like proper hiking.

No, incorrect. Actually we are, The Machine.

Walking and camping and, er, praying, mountain praying.

Just a lot of... Got a lot of stuff. And camping.

Okay. I just wanted to, you know, get out in the wild.

What the...

You rampant homosexualists.

Wow.

Okay, The Machine, Kevin and Kevin here are literally gay.

So they have an excuse, but suddenly you three little geeks want to start chewing cock? Okay.

I'm sorry about the confusion. Clearly this isn't your thing.

So, erm, I can offer to pay for your petrol.

Ten-hut, Private Gay-vin!

You just narrowly survived your own court-martial and now you say that I go AWOL on duty.

You have got the balls of a baboon, boy.

Yes, it is alarmingly shit, but if that's what fun bags wants to do, to get out in the wild, then, fellas, I'm in.

Hey.

I'm all in.

Okay, good. Yeah.

Brilliant. So you little gerbils, snuggle down in the sawdust and I'll see you at the crack.

This is a doozy of a stag town. Disappear from mine eyes.


Morning! Shhh!

Let's go.

Jesus.

Earthlings!

Balls. ¿Qué pasa?

The Machine, there you are.

And there you all are.

Five little Hobbits heading out from the shire.

This way.

The Machine, you don't have any gear!

That is not a recognised bridle path!

Watch for splinters. Oh.

No signal. Wow. We're out there.

Me neither. Rural.

Me neither, that's my only compass.

Well, at least you have a phone, Fionan.

At least it isn't dead from some idiot dropping it in a pint.

And you'd rather I'd have let what was unfolding unfold.

Let's put our phones in this Ziploc so that we are free of the urge to keep checking all the time. Is that wise?

Yeah, let's go offline for, like, two whole days.

Two whole days? I'm not sure that's wise.

Come on. Come on, Simon. Come on, Simon.

Anyway, I've got this here compass to keep us on track.

Plop.

Oh, Jesus. No, no, no. Oh, Jesus. No, no, no!

That was incredibly rude and annoying and also we need that.

We don't need it. Boom. We need a compass to find the way.

We need to get lost. You put that compass in the bag and Susan here will be like, "Let's take the compass!" Unacceptable.

The compass dies... phew-uck! We're reborn.

But it's dangerous! Of courth ith dangerouth, Thimon!

We are going off-piste.

That compass was handmade, you fucking oaf!

Well, if that's your beef, I'll buy you a new one.

No, you imbecile! It had sentimental value! It was given to me by...

By someone!

Oh, your old geography teacher, Mr Kennedy.

Your husband... I'm sorry, your ex-husband.

Jesus, can you please... You do not need that compass.

You need to roam free.

All in.

I don't even have a lisp.

One life, one need In the night One love, we get to share it Leaves you, baby, if you do not care for it...

Jesus, this song I know.

Not digging the tunes? Nope.

Why not? I can't abide U2.

Lies. Excuse me.

You actually do like U2. Actually I don't.

You don't like their music, or you don't like Bono?

That would be a firm negative in both cases.

All right, fingers on buzzers. Yes or no, "With Or Without you"?

Without you. "New Year's Day"?

No. "Mysterious Ways"?

Negative. "Bad"?

Very bad. "Pride"?

Shame. "Vertigo"?

Vertig-no. "Streets"?

The Machine, if it's by U2, I'm not going to like it.

Have you seen them live? Once.

You didn't cry? I left.

No! He left.

You are Irish, right? What's that got to do with it?

Ah-ah-ah-ah, Private Gav, fight your own war.

You know, Cyborg, one day, at some point in your life, you are going to find yourself listening to a U2 song with tears pouring down your cheeks and on that day, for it will come, my friend...

I want you to remember this face.

What the fuck is wrong with him? Chill out.

This face.

I'm going to be there, Cyborg.

Well, I'm going back. I'm going back.

No, no, you're not. Simon, Davin, come on.

Go, go.

Go.

I was reading this thing in "The Guardian" about the difference between mushrooms and toadstools.

Apparently, there's only one toadstool that isn't poisonous and it either is red, or it isn't red.

I can't remember.

Fionan, have you told them your story about Bikram yoga?

I had a panic attack and they asked me to leave.

Why did you even do bikram if you're not obese?

I'm not obese because I did bikram.

You did it one time and you had a panic attack.

Once was enough.

"There's been a lot of talk about this next song."

That's a grave. "This song is not a rebel song."

This song is "Sunday, Bloody Sunday."

We got a concert.

Simon, I'll make a deal with you.

When you design a website that has the same raw, emotional power as a U2 song, then you can climb up here and shout out the HTML code. Send.

I do more than design websites and I don't even write HTML code.

That, like U2, stopped being important about 20 years ago.

In fact, like U2, it's now something that can be replicated by a piece of software.

Brain or heart?

What? Pick an organ, brain or heart?

I get one?

You get one. Brain.

Okay, do you prefer machines to humans?

Sometimes, yes.

What do you drive?

I drive a 2012 BMW X5.

Show me the keys.

Throw them up.

When you've finished desecrating that famine memorial and you come down, I will let you inspect them.

Are you afraid I will laugh at how you throw?

If that's what you're worried about let me assure you that is 1,000% what I'm going to do.

No, don't throw them, Simon...

Argh!

Are you kidding me?!

Oh, Jesus! They're gone!

They're gone! They're gone! Well done, Simon.

Why didn't you catch them? You threw them like an idiot.

What does your brain say you should do?

My heart agrees with you.

That's a big rock to start with.


Okay, maybe we should just pitch camp here for the night.

Yeah, let's stop for the night.

I saw a nice little lake over there if anyone wants to clean up.

We are extremely filthy. You guys go. I'll pitch the tent.

I'll pitch the tent, Fionan. A bit more experience in that area.

So you go on with them. I can pitch a tent, FYI.

I know you can, but we're losing the light and we need to get it up fast.

So I'm happy to take it. I can pitch it just as fast.

I have a number of the relevant proficiency badges from the scouts.

A number of what?

Proficiency badges. Proficiency badges, erm, okay.

Just hand it over. Give it to me.

Okay.

Lads. No, let's have this one play out.

Okay, I'm going to take it.

It's going to be like that, is it? It appears to be like that.

You're being a bit of a child now. Bun, you're the child here.

What? Why? Just give it to me.

Bun? Davin's nickname.

In primary school, someone threw a bun at his head in the canteen and it stuck.

The nickname, that is. And the bun.

Just give it to me. Oh my God, is that an eagle?

That was so easy. Too easy. Fine, you can co-pitch it.

But I hold the plans. I don't need plans.

Why don't you go get the little ground pegs?

Bun...

Hey.

Ah, freezing.

Your sister's great.

I love, Ruth. My brother is a lucky man.

He didn't just get lucky, Tiny Kevin.

It's more like he broke the whole fucking casino.

You boys looking forward to the big day?

Actually, I won't be there on the big day.

I thought you two were coupled up. Six years.

Explain.

It's my dad. What's he got to do with it?

He's never really been able to get his head around the whole gay thing.

Continue.

He's never really been able to accept my homosexuality and my partner, which is Kevin.

And?

My dad's an old man from a previous generation. It's different times.

And?

He says he won't be coming to the wedding if I'm at the wedding.

He doesn't approve of me. And?

I've never met him.

It's a really tricky situation for Fionan.

I mean, I've lived with this, but it's his wedding.

I mean, if my dad doesn't go, does my mum go on her own? It's...

It's a nightmare for Fionan.

Yeah, Fionan needs to man up and bring it to the old boy. End of story.

How do you want your steaks?

Fiona-la-cakes.

I was talking to the Kevs here about the wedding plans.

I'm cooking my own if anyone wants theirs done by me.

Why don't we ask them who they'd prefer to have cook their steaks?

Me who did a course in barbecue science, or...

Neither of you two clowns are going near my meat.

I'd rather eat it raw. You're not getting in there.

That's liquid ice.

No sneaky boners.

And I'm looking at you, Photoshop.

He's gone.

Yeah! Whoo!

No, he's back. Come on, boys! Ha-ha!

Where's Adobe Illustrator? You mean Simon? He's gone to bed.

That's cheating. No, leave him alone honestly.

It's the same rules for every man.

He's going through a hard time at the moment.

How so? His business is struggling.

I didn't know that. I had a look at his situation.

It's not great. Not great how?

They're in deep shit. Poor guy can't sleep. He's taking Valium and Xanax.

They're worried about the house. Did you know that?

No. Come here.

The Machine, seriously. The Machine, just leave it.

The Machine! He's going. Go back to the fire.

It's just me and you now.

How are you doing?

Grand. So what do you owe?

Owe? What are you talking about? Your company's debt.

What have you been telling him? It was Big Kevin!

Look me in the eye and just tell me what you owe.

I'm not telling you what I owe. Why not?

Why would I tell you what I owe?

Why wouldn't you tell me what you owe? Give me a number.

No. No. Do it. Do it.

Higher or lower than three mil?

What?

Lower? 2.5.

Lower. Two?

Lower. 1.5 mil?

Lower. You're in a for a mil?

No, you're still a way off. Okay, what, lower than a mil?

What, 800? No.

700?

650? Oh, my God.

Six? 550?

Five? 450?

Four? 375? No!

Look, okay, I owe just under 250,000 euro and that's with everything leveraged to the hilt!

I'm finished, okay? Are you happy now?

Okay.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Honestly, I know how you feel.

You do? Believe me.

So how much do you owe?

Like half a million or something nuts?

North of that.

800,000?

Due north?

A million? Keep travelling north.

A million and a half? Northward.

One and three quarter million? North.

TWO

2 million. Bingo.

My money, all of my money...

I don't have any money.

Oh...

Oh, my God. Isn't that insane?

Do you want a beaker of whisky?

I do.

You do. Of course you do.

Just go out and join the lads. All right.

Coming.

Yes, so, erm... Yeah, it turned out to be... It was... It was...

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Simon.

Hey!

There you go, Facebook.

Right.

You know, fellas...

You couldn't put a price on this.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my sweet God, no.

You are not masturbating in here. Why not? I can't sleep.

Because it's disgusting is why. Just eugh.

If I don't pull one through, I'm not getting to sleep.

No way. Not here.

Okay, look, two options. A, I crack one off nice and quick, just a straight-up very functional little number into a sock or what not and we all get to sleep.

B, I fall asleep and my mind supplies me with fantasies that require me to grind against the nearest object, in which case that is you, but we're almost family now, so that's, you know... A or B, you call it.

Outside, surely.

Outside is the compromise here.

I have a little hash if you can't sleep.

I find that usually does the trick.

It's not a neither nor, is it?

Outside.

Two minutes.

He's an animal. He can hear you.

It doesn't matter. He'll be flattered to hear that.

I am flattered, hugely.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sweet mystery.

Oh, my lady.

Oh, don't neglect the balls here.

Jesus Christ! Oh, my God! Oh!

Come on. Further away! Further away!

Jesus!

Fire.

Fire!

Argh! It's on my ass! It's on my ass! Fuck!

Is everyone okay? Oh, my God, did you see that?

See it? We were inside the tent, The Machine!

Inside the fire! That was so beautiful.

It was like voodoo magic. Okay, what the fuck did you do?

Yeah, I suppose a hot rock must have landed on it.

Little fucker, didn't see it. But there's a nodge left, Big Kevin.

Enough for a few more, so that's a result.

A result? We nearly fucking died, The Machine!

Perfectly aware of that, Slick, and I will grant you that from a certain perspective that I had an involvement in it, but let's move on. Now, lodgings.

You just destroyed our property.

Officially it belonged to the Girl Guides.

He can't just do that! Do what?

Act like that! Like, like, like...

Like what? We nearly died.

Fionan, you're repeating yourself a tiny bit. You want to grab a seat?

I would fucking kill you right now if I could.

I hate you so much. We all do. We hate you!

You're ruining this whole thing! What is this whole thing?

A stag!

Finally.

Finally... What?

Oh, my God. Look at it.

Okay, this is just a bit freaky, but that looks like a pair of boobs.

Those bright stars, that's your nipples right there.

Big beautiful boobs. Go to sleep.

How did you do that? I got up early. Couldn't sleep.

Thinking about our heritage and what it means to me, I had to rebuild this thing.

You didn't source some fabric and stitch us a new tent, did you?

No, Bilbo Baggins, I did not. We should get moving.

Mordor awaits.

But it doesn't make any sense. What do you mean?

But it's spelt see-gees.

Segue! But it doesn't make... Why is it?

It's S-E-G-U-E, so I call it see-gee.

Sometimes things are different to the way they're spelt.

Oh, my giddy aunt. That, my friends, is a fucking bull.

Erm... Oh...

No!

Oh, I can't watch.

Oh, Jesus.

Do not look me in the eye, Mr Bull.

He made it. Of course he made it.

Come on!

Okay.

Let's go through the woods.

Ow, ow, ow.

This is what happens when we turn off our phones.

Oh, Jesus, Kevin! Savage!

I told you, nature is bullshit.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, this, I will grant you, is a slightly different proposition.

Does anyone want to touch it to see what we're dealing with volts wise?

No.

Can you feel anything? I can hear it.

Ah! Oh, fuck! Oh, whoa!

Whoo! How was it for you, Enormous Kevin?

It's unbelievably electric.

Well, we can't get under it.

And we can't get over it. Wait, now.

It's a straight-up vault, boys. I'm telling you.

Let's see.

We can do this. Stand back, lads. Watch yourselves.

What you need is you need a bit of a run-up into it.

You've got to commit.

You've got to come at a pace with a bit of zip.

It's physics.

Okay.

Yup.

No!

Oh, Jesus! Argh! Oh!

Oh, my God. Argh!

The Machine, are you okay? One of us has to help him. Go.

It's on my face! Okay, let's...

Okay, come on. Argh!

Argh!

Argh! Argh! Argh! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh.

Oh, God. Are you all right?

I didn't make it, boys. No.

No.

I'll follow. You go on. You go. Go.

Yeah, but it isn't meaningless. It seems to me that it takes me liking something in order for you to like it.

And then you have to like it and you have to like it more than me.

You have to beat me at liking it. It's ridiculous.

It is. I'll give you that. You should think about it.

Okay, I will. Give me an example.

An example? An example.

Example, okay. "The Sopranos".

You saw the show first. It doesn't mean you own it.

I'm not saying I own it. I'm saying that your opinion of it was informed entirely, I think, by what my opinion was and just to be clear, I'm not saying I saw it first.

You didn't decide you liked it until I decided that I liked it.

I thought the first few episodes...

That show emerged fully formed...

According to you. Give me another example.

Another example is the example of risotto.

Okay, for a long time, I thought I was allergic to Arborio rice.

I thought they were little nuts. I can't even comment on that.

Let's talk about "Mulholland Drive".

Let's talk about "Mulholland Drive".

You can simultaneously love and hate that film. That's the whole point.

Listen to yourself. I am listening to myself.

What about Vespas? I get a Vespa. You get a Vespa.

Right, bad news, Davin, other people in the world own Vespas.

I got to Goa. You got to Goa. You love Goa. You're moving to Goa.

You own an Indian province? When did that happen?

Do you know what? I think I'm going to hate something that I actually like just to see if you start liking it.

And I'm going to pretend to hate it. You'll have to continue pretending to like the thing that you hate. Sorry, what?

I don't know. I'm cold.

Risotto.

What is it? It's a bothy.

It's an old communal shelter.

We'll build a shelter inside the shelter.


I got electrocuted in my mouth, in the tongue.

That shit was sore.

Glad to be of service.

Yeah.

Bun, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, stupid nickname. I can see why you'd like it.

Not that many Buns in the world.

No. Ruth dated a Bun.

A long time ago. It was brief.

After she broke up with him, she came to me.

This fella Bun was really cut up.

She felt guilty about it, wanted to know if she could make it better.

What could I say?

It takes a man a long time to get over that kind of thing.

Yeah, not that many Buns in the world.

That's what I call a best man.


Do you know, it wouldn't be a stag without some element of boldness.

I have to be honest and say that I didn't think there would be a right time, but er...

Oh!

What is that? MDMA.

What, like the bank?

Um, this is a drug, like ecstasy.

I've never really done that shit. I think you'd like it.

It can connect people to their softer, more feminine side.

Go on, The Machine. Go on.

Come on.

Yeah!

I don't feel anything.

It's in the post.

Funny taste in it. It's like sherbet dip.

I feel like a blanket. We don't have any blankets.

No, I actually feel like a blanket, like I resemble a blanket.

All furry. Do you want me to lie on you?

That's really kind of you... but no.

Okay.

So what's your story, The Machine?

Like do you have a family? I did.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, they're totally alive, or whatever.

I didn't know you were having problems.

I know you didn't. Anything I can do.

The first thing you can do is not mention a word of this to Ruth.

I don't want her going up the aisle thinking I've just been fucked back down it.

Yeah, sure, The Machine.

Oh, Jesus, I've got to turn it around before your big day.

Somehow, I mean...

I can't pitch up solo. Just...

So what happened, The Machine?

Well, as I'm sure most of you overheard the other night, right now financially I am up shit creek with a turd for a paddle.

Two million. I was under some serious pressure.

And the drinking, well, it was... it was on an upward trajectory.

I was invited to the races in Deauville in France on a bit of a corporate.

I had two horses come in and we were poured back onto the plane from Paris. I needed to go to the toilet, like badly, and the seatbelt light wasn't going off and the stewardess is all like, "Le turbulence! Le seatbelt! Le turbulence!"

And I'm like, "Je piss maintenant! Je piss!"

"Le turbulence!" So I just kind of get up and, you know, go.

What do you mean "go"?

I did a Gerry Depardieu on it, if you know what I'm talking about.

You urinated into a bottle on an aeroplane?

Depardieu had a bottle?

I got arrested, thrown off the aeroplane.

I got thrown into the fucking clink for 24 hours.

I had to get back to Ireland by land and sea and when I got back home, Rachel had changed the locks. Now I can't see the kids.

Okay, so, er, what did you say to her?

"Rachel, why are you being such a dick about this?

"You've got a massive stick up your hole about this one issue.

"I love the shit out of you and you know that, yeah?"

What were the exact words you used?

That's verbatim 'cause I wrote it down so I would totally nail it.

Did you apologise?

I don't think I busted out an actual apology per se, but she... should know that I am... totally... filled with regret or whatever.

You can't say the words, can you?

What? Sorry, you can't say sorry.

That's ridiculous. Say it, then.

No. Why not?

'Cause I'm not feeling it. Hey, I know.

Davin... you stand up and be his lawfully-wedded wife.

Absolutely not. Shut this shit down, Kevin.

You have one week to turn this thing around.

Bun, get up.

Come on, Bun.

Okay, now, look at your beautiful wife and tell her that you are sorry and mean it.

Okay. That's Gavin.

Davin. Bun.

Just pretend.

This is very gay. You have one week. Be a man.

Yeah, okay.

Rachel...

Why are you being such a dick? No, no, no.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Rachel...

The seatbelt light... No, say it.

Come on.

Mistakes were made.

There has to be music!

I need it in my earholes.

Please, just someone sing me anything. Just something, anything!

He's right. What are we doing, taking this stuff without music?

It's highly irresponsible.

Ho, row, the rattlin' bog, the bog down in the valley-oh Ho, row, the rattlin' bog, the bog down in the valley-oh Now, in that bog, there was a tree A rare tree, a rattlin' tree The tree in the bog and the bog down in the valley-oh!

Hey! Ho, row, the rattlin' bog...

Frére Jacques, frére Jacques Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?

- Frére Jacques, frére Jacques Sonnez les matinee

- Sonnez les matinee Frére Jacques, frére Jacques

- Frére Jacques, frére Jacques Sonnez les matinee

- Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? Frére Jacques, frére Jacques Ding, dang, dong, ding, dang, dong The Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-da, doo-da The Camptown racetrack's five miles long, oh, doo-da-day Going to run all night, going to run all day I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag, somebody bet on the bay

Davin, don't be pussy. Your turn. No, I can't sing.

Come on! Come on, Gav!

Er, okay.

On Raglan Road On an autumn day I saw her first And knew that her dark hair Would weave a snare That I might one day rue I saw the danger yet I walked Along the enchanted way And I said let grief Be a fallen leaf At the dawning of the day On Grafton Street In November We tripped lightly along the ledge Of a deep ravine Where can be seen The worth of passions pledged The Queen of Hearts Still making tarts And I'm not making Hay Well, I loved too much And such by such Is happiness Thrown away On a quiet street Where old ghosts meet I watch her walking now Away from me So hurriedly My reason...

I can't remember the rest.

That was deadly, Bun.

What are you doing?

We passed a lake. Way back.

More of a pond, really.

Where's he going? He's going for a swim.

I need water on my body.

Fuck it. This is so fucking insane.

Why don't we walk there in our clothes and then take them off?

Because, Fionan...

Oh.

Wait for me!

Whoo!

Whoo!

This isn't familiar to me. I could have sworn it was here.

Yeah, me, too. Well, it isn't.

Oh, God, I'm high. Where's The Machine?

Maybe he's down at the lake.

What are we going to do? Find the Machine.

He's at the lake!

Find The Machine, find the lake.

The Machine!

The Machine! The Machine! The Machine!

Shit. What do we do?

Okay, we just need to go back. Okay.

Wait!

Which way is back? It's this way.

It's this way. It's this way.

Come on, which way is back? Okay, it's this way.

I don't think it's that way! Which way?

Some other way like this way! I came from this way!

You came from that way. I was behind you.

Davin, you were behind me! So which way did you come in?

I don't know. Possibly that way. No, that way.

Look, come on. Okay, we're going to go this way.

You're winging it, Kevin! Shut up, Fionan!

Oh, my God.

No, it's this way. It's this way!

Oh, God.

What the fuck was that? Um...

Guys, we're lost. Look at the moon.

Does the moon move? Is it a reliable instrument?

Yes.

The moon is not reliable. I don't know.

Then why did you say yes? Because I don't know.

We were just here. This is where we were!

No, we weren't. We were just somewhere that looks like this.

Maybe we should just shelter here until daylight.

We are naked. I am aware of that!

I'm fucking freezing.

I think we should keep moving and stay warm.

Let's do the Emperor Penguin.

Yes. Go in front of me!

Go in front of me! Right, okay.

Close up, go!

Keep alternating! Okay, okay.


Enough. Oh, I got like eight minutes sleep.

I simply cannot be dealing with this madness any longer.

Oh, God, where did you get to?

Well, good morning, Fionan. Did you kill an animal?

I did not, but I may have borrowed some of its clothes.

You're a fucking lunatic.

I've just decided that your Indian name is Sulks Like A Baby.

How long have you been up there? Since daybreak.

Gentlemen, we are in it now!

The bothy is nowhere to be seen.

Why are you happy? Just playing it as it lays hombre.

What does that even mean? Look! Look at what you've done to us!

We could have died of pneumonia last night!

But you didn't. I see you improvised a shelter, which is good.

Because you got us lost!

We all got lost, Sulks Like A Baby.

Fionan, it's fine. No, it's not fine.

I have to deal with this nut job for the rest of my fucking life.

Hey, hey, calm down. Just leave him alone.

I beg your pardon! Just... leave him alone.

Let me get this straight, you're mates now?

I think we need to accept we are where we are and we've all contributed a little bit to that.

So let's ease up on the theatrics and move on.

Jesus, Davin. You're a joke! You're a total fucking pussy!

He never wanted you here, right?

He screened your calls. I'm sorry, it's true!

I'm sorry. That is true, but it was per your insistence and it was your decision, so can we leave that now?

No! We can't leave it now, because the other problem we have here is you're fucking full of bullshit! What are you talking about?

I think you're overtired. You need to sit down.

Breathe, try not to speak. Typical!

Whatever. You're so fucking superior!

You have to retain the upper hand no matter what! It's so relentless!

You act like you understand something nobody else can possibly understand!

Always a little ahead of us all! Jesus, the size of your ego!

I mean, he's never even been in love!

Fionan! At ease, Tiny Kevin.

You don't know what you're talking about, Fionan.

Six months, Davin, your longest ever relationship.

You had so many chances!

Six fucking months! That is none of your business!

What kind of man never lets himself fall in love?

Even that Neanderthal man is in love whereas you always beat a retreat.

You let yourself experience nothing.

You haven't the faintest idea what it feels like because you've never had the balls to be in love!

You're such a fucking idiot. I beg your pardon.

You're wrong. I was in love. Oh, which one, Una? Clare?

Fucking little Brenda? No, no.

The one... about Christmas six years ago.

Six years ago? Yeah.

Christmas?

Ruth?

You're so fucking stupid sometimes.

Are you telling me Ruth broke your heart?

No, actually, she fucking smashed it to smithereens.

I was a mess.

I was a pitiful mess.

My heart...

My heart was...

And you just cruise in there and sweep her away, simple as that.

I didn't know. Of course you didn't fucking know!

You told me you broke up with her. Yeah, well, there you have it!

Right. Did you know?

Yeah.

And you actually hid it from me?

Why didn't you tell me? The damage was done.

What the fuck does that mean? Why didn't you tell me?

Because you started seeing her. That was a year later!

Maybe I didn't feel I could tell you any of that shit.

Jesus! Are we actually friends at all?

What the fuck is going on? I mean... Wait, okay.

Okay, oh, Jesus, Davin.

Are you still in love with her?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh.

Ow! Oh.

Aow! Fuck!

This is my fucking stag!

This is my fucking stag and you tell me that you're in love with Ruth!

The love of my life!

And now! Now! After all these years!

You decide that this... this is the best time to tell me!

You! Get off me, you fuck...

Ah! No! Ah! Ah!

Ow! Ow! Stop,

Just stop it! Just stop now! Oh! Oh!

Christ! One of my lenses has rolled back into the back of my eye!

Good! Kevin, will you be my best man?

Yeah, will you, Kevin? Because there's no fucking way I'm doing it!

Guys, you're being ridiculous! You are being ridiculous.

The Machine, what do we do now?

It's pretty clear what Fionan and Davin need to do.

Never see each other again! Davin, grow a set of balls!

Ask your friend to forgive you for being such an idiot!

And then we can go, because it's getting really cold.

Apologise now! Say sorry! No!

Fionan! No.

Apologise for what? Jesus Christ, Davin.

Fuck off! Shake hands! Shake hands!

Gentlemen, we're on the move.

Follow me.

Right, well, we can't all go.

I'm naked. Simon has ivy.

I have one tiny piece of ivy over my balls. Worse than being naked.

I am simply not going. Right, you lads, stay here.

What is he doing?

Eggs, genius.

He's having breakfast.

Mm.

Easy, now.

Easy boy.

Easy, easy, okay, okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay.

Apparently, if you forcibly insert your finger into the dog's anus, it will stop attacking.

God. He's dead.

Come on! What... are you doing?

Oh, my God. Why is he doing that?

Easy, easy.

Easy, easy.

I just know that I'm not going to be any good at this.

Easy! Throw me a weapon!

What the... I'm sorry!

Haughey!

Nudey, crusty hippy bastards! I'll shoot the shit out of ye!

Ah!

I don't want to die!

I tell you one thing boys...

I am looking forward to this wedding.


Oh, good, I think he's letting us on.

Clear up the bus.

Hi.


Stay off my land!

Absolutely.

Good bye.

Yes!

Can you open this up, Simon?

I don't have the keys.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Jesus, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Fuck it.

You know what, it's a car. It's a car.

It's just a fucking car.

It's just a fucking car. A car.

Simon...

It's just a fucking car.

Simon...

It's just a car.

Got there!

Ah!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, Jesus, no! Uli is going to destroy me!

How do you turn the alarm off? I don't know!

You're fucking kidding me.

You're out here destroying your Jeep with the fucking boulder and I'm inside pinching a loaf! Why didn't you wait till I came out?

Wait How did you do that? Oh, yeah. Here you go, chief.

I found them the morning after.

You're mad.

Seriously, The Machine, you really are quite mad.

Yeah.

See you boys at the wedding.


Seven new messages.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah, it was... It was interesting.

Listen I just need to say something.

Erm, the two Kevins are coming to the wedding and I'd really like you to come, too.

Yeah, I know that. Well, of course you're still invited.

Well, that's up to you, Dad, but that's what's going to happen, okay?

Okay. Well, look, have a think about it and I'll talk to you soon.

Okay, bye.


He's alive!

Hey! Hey!

Thank you so much.

Hey, you!

Welcome back.

Don't forget the rings, yeah?

Rach... please.

I'm sorry.

How hard was that?

Oh, God.


Hello, everybody. I'm Davin and I'm the best man.

I don't have any brothers.

Or any sisters, for that matter. Aw!

So my friends have been my siblings I love them like brothers and sisters.

And I've fought with them and laughed with them and grown up with them and learned from them.

And no one more so than the man who is being married here today...

Fionan. Fion-awn I've relied on him so much over the years and he's always been there for me.

Even when I've expected far too much from him, he's been able to see through my... idiot ways and he's helped me to find the man that I'm supposed to be.

So I say congratulations, Ruth. You picked a doozy.

Yeah.

I'm so proud to call this man my best friend.

And... with your permission... my brother.

Marriages are not made in heaven.

They're made here on Earth, but you only have to take one look at this amazing woman to know that for my friend Fionan, this is as close to heaven as he's ever going to get.

So I ask you, ladies and gentlemen, to raise your glasses with me to Fionan and Ruth, bride and groom.

Fionan and Ruth.

She looked absolutely gorgeous. Thanks.

Who's that man?

Hi, Dad. Hello there.

You must be Kevin.

Mr Quinn. Derry, please.

May I get you a drink, Derry? No, let me get you one.

That's very kind of you. Well, it is a free bar.

I'll give you a hand, Derry. Yeah, that's very kind of you.

What would you like? Thank you.

Davin. Hey there.

Did you just call me Davin? I did. I called you Davin.

So look, I've got something for you.

You got me a present? Oh, yeah.

Wow.

"May the best man win."

Can I have your attention, please?

This is a really special moment for me.

The most amazing day of my life.

And now my brother, The Machine, my oldest friend, is giving us a present of a song.

Get up here.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name, or my real name... is Richard.

Richard? Is it? Yeah.

The reason I'm called The Machine is...

Well, maybe another time, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, this song is about the bride and groom and about love.

But it's also a song about Ireland and the men and women of Ireland.

In recent times, we've taken a hell of a beating.

What with the economy and Europe tearing us a new one.

And the Church being total assholes about everything.

But we've got to forgive ourselves, forgive each other and learn to love ourselves again, 'cause the thing is we're Ireland and that, my friends, is deadly.

Whoo!

I also want to dedicate this to a bunch of Comancheros I once had the honour of riding with out on the edge of the world.

I love those hombres.

Is it getting better?

Do you feel the same?

Will it make it easier on you now You got someone to blame You say one love One life When it's one need In the night One love We get to share it Leaves you baby if you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?

Or leave a bad taste in your mouth You act like you never had love And you want me to go without Well, it's too late Tonight To drag the past out into the night We're one, but we're not the same We get to carry each other Carry each other, one...

Have you come here for forgiveness?

Have you come to raise the dead?

Have you come hereto play Jesus?

To the lepers in your head?

Did I ask too much?

More than a lot You gave me nothing, now it's all I've got We're one, but we're not the same Well, we hurt each other Then we do it again, you say Love is a temple Love a higher law Love is a temple Love a higher law You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl And I can't be holding on to what you've got When all you've got is hurt One love One blood One life, you've got to do what you should One life with each other Sisters, brothers We're one life, but we're not the same We get to carry each other Carry each other One

One

Oooh-oooh Ooh Maybe, maybe, maybe Ah-ah-ah!

Ah-ah!

Ah-ah-ah-ah