The Benchwarmers (2006) Script

Throw it here. Come on, Nelson, throw it in here!

Yeah! You almost had it! I get one more?

Strike three!

Here you go. There it is. Gretchen, you almost had it.

Dang it. Nice throw.

I got a ladder. I'll get it.

Just tell Mrs. Donnelly it's on the roof. She can get it whenever she wants.

That's good thinking, Clark.

I'll just have 80-year-old Mrs. Donnelly climb on her roof.

Okay, cool. Thanks.

Clark. Hey.

I was kidding. You can't do that.

All right, fine.

Here, give her one of these.

This is yesterday's paper. Well, at least it's not on the roof.

Clark, don't pick your nose in front of me, please.

I'm not picking, I'm scratching.

What are you scratching, your brain?

Yeah, because it's huge.

Chain break! Not now! I have 86 houses left.

Can you fix it?

Gus, what should I do with this? I'd flick it.

Nelson leans in and gets his sign.

Here comes a fastball.

Swing and a huge miss by Gretchen Peterson.

Hey, losers. We have a practice scheduled here. You gotta go.

I thought your practice was at 4:30. It is.

We wanna have a practice before our practice.

Oh, okay. Can we hit with you? No, you suck.

Why don't you go home and build your science projects.

Look, there's room for all of us. We'll just play catch off to the side.

Listen, we have a game tomorrow...

...and there's only one field to practice on.

So beat it!

Maybe this is a sign you should get a car.

My mother said I should hold off getting my license one more year.

You know, just to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.

Stop! Hold him, Kyle!

Troy, I think he wants some of your famous beef stew.

Beef stew! Beef stew! Stop!

Beef stew! Beef stew! Beef stew!

No, no, no.

No, stop it.

Hey! Get off him!

Later, fart face.

Yeah, you better run!

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

Need us to call your parents or something?

It actually...

...didn't taste as bad as you'd think.

Nelson, wait! Let's just go to my house!

Oh, I love beef stew.

Why do kids have to be so fricking cruel?

You know, I haven't been on an actual field in almost 20 years.

I've never even been on a field.

If I tried, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.

That's awful, Clark.

Baseball is America's pastime.

That's like saying you've never had apple pie.

You've never had apple pie?

Well, my mom said it would give me diarrhea.

That's ridiculous. You have to try it at least once.

Diarrhea?

No. Baseball. It's the best.

Let's come back here later and hit some balls.

Can I bring Richie? He's never played either.

Yeah, bring Richie. Let's say 4:00. All right.

Hold on. My mom's sending me a text message.

No way!

We're having macaroni tonight! That means garlic bread! Yes!

Awesome!

Excuse me. Yeah?

I rented this on your recommendation.

It's nothing but a lame story with lesbian sex scenes.

And you didn't like it?

I watched it with my parents. It was uncomfortable.

Come on, it's kind of hot. No, it's not.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'll recommend this: Haunted Slumber Party.

It's actually a pretty decent film. No lesbian sex scenes?

I think there's two. You're a pig.

Hey, Richie, are you off yet? Easy. I can't leave this second, Clark.

I don't get to work for an hour a day like you, paperboy.

Gus wants us to hit some baseballs with him.

Clark, we don't play baseball.

I told Gus we'd be there, Richie.

And if we don't go, that makes me a liar.

And that's not what I'm about. Not now, not ever.

All right, Daytime Emmy.

Hey, Marty, I'm gonna split early, all right?

I don't even know who you are.

Bros before ho's, dude.

Liz, honey, do you know where I packed my baseball mitt?

No. Gus, if we conceive this month, we would have the baby in January.

It would be fun to have a New Year's baby.

I can't find it.

January also has a higher percentage of it being a girl.

I found it. I found it.

I found my mitt, Liz. It was in the old trunk.

Be serious. This is important. My ovulation peaks at 6:00 tonight.

All right, honey, I love you. I'll see you later.

Remember, Gus, 6:00.

Gotta keep your eye on the ball.

You just think of that? You're an amazing coach.

Just focus, you'll be fine. Just watch me.

With this vest, it's hard to swing. It's tight, you know.

Quit picking your nose, Clark. Let's go. Look alive. Coming to you!

You just lost your membership at Video Spot!

Dang it.

Hey, mister, we have this field reserved.

You were the ones picking on that kid today.

So? You douche bags have to get off this field.

Where's your coach? None of your business.

We have practice here, so go, ho!

Hey, well, no coach, no field. Sorry.

Leave our field, or you'll pay the consequences!

What is this, Children of the Corn?

I'm gonna call the cops.

We are cops. We're Navy SEALs.

Navy SEALs aren't cops. Aren't you our paperboy?

I'm undercover.

All right, you cocky jerks, you want the field so bad? We'll play you for it.

But there are nine of us and three of you.

So you should beat us no problem.

What, are you scared? No.

Yeah, chicken.

I'm gonna go ask our team.

This is a bad idea. They look tough.

I saw that demon boy laying beef in some nice kid's mouth earlier today.

Clark used to get beef laid in his face all the time.

Oh, and you didn't? I got wedgies, that's different.

It's cooler.

We'll do it. Time to meet your makers.

Makers of what? Poop?

Coming down!

Balls in. Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Get your position down. Troy, strike this loser out.

Strike! Yeah. Nice one, Troy.

Don't swing if it's not in the strike zone.

Where's the strike zone? Strike two!

Right there.

Strike three. Three, you're out!

What a loser. Sit down, spaz.

That kid's throwing heat. Heat, schmeat.

One out!

Gonna be two outs!

Hey, I bet you're a real good catcher. Of doughnuts, in your mouth.

Strike! Don't chop at it.

It's not a sword. You're not a sword.

Come on. Strike two.

Oh, that's ugly, man. Strike out, video boy.

Come on, now.

Strike three! I caught it. You're out.

But I ticked it. It hit the bat. You're still out.

You're still fat. I ticked it!

I ticked it. Gus, you see that? Way to make contact on that one.

You know what? I was trying to get under it to rip it into left...

...and throw them off, but the dog barking threw me.

What dog? He ran to the bushes.

It's cool now. All right, go, Gus. Come on! Let's get rid of these dogs.

Strike him out quick! Get this guy out!

Move in. You're going down, shorty.

Guy's got nothing. Come on, give him a fast one.

All right, Gus! Awesome!

All right! Yeah!

He just did that steroid-free. What's steroids?

Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.

There must be steroids in macaroni. Let's go.

Yeah!

Nice!

Here we go. Batter up.

Batter up!

Strike!

Not so fast!

You're supposed to catch it with your glove, not your face.

Yeah!

I don't need lip from you, son of Satan.

We're still in this thing. It's okay. Next time.

You're out!

You're out!

Strike three, you're out!

Come on, Troy. Let's go, Troy. He can't hit you. Come on.

Yes! Yeah, Gus! Are you okay?

It's over!

Three, you're out!

Sorry. Shoot. Get another homer for us, Gus.

Yeah, smack it in the butt. Whatever that means.

I'm gonna keep this one in play. Give the infield a workout. It's 17-0.

What an idiot. Come on, Troy, destroy him!

Strike him out. Strike this loser...

Come on, Kyle, are you okay?

What happened? Get up.

Hey, get him up. Kyle, you okay?

Ball's still alive, chumps. Dude, he's gonna score.

Should somebody call 411?

He's fine. He got the wind knocked out of him.

What's that noise?

Get him! Get him! Get him!

I think he just got the wind knocked back into him.

Gus, why didn't you play in high school? You're incredible.

The whole bully thing, and jocks. I didn't wanna deal with it.

Those butts! You could've gone to the Super Bowl.

Yeah, that's the past.

Hey, Richie, where's your brother? Howie! Come out, the guys are here.

Is he still dealing with agoraphobia?

Yeah, dude, he hasn't left the house in six months.

There he is.

Hey, Howie. How's it going, buddy?

Hey, guys. How did hitting the balls go?

We played an actual game against real people. It was classic.

All these punk teenagers are like, "Get off our field."

We're like, "We'll play you for it." And we did, and we beat them.

I hit a foul, dude, it was sweet. It was awesome.

You gotta videotape it next time so I can see.

Buddy, just come with us. No. No.

It's not that scary. And you could use a little sun, trust me.

Outside, bad. The sun, scary.

He's not my friend. He wants to hurt me. Safe room.

I know. Sun, bad. You, cuckoo. All right.

You know the best part about winning a baseball game?

What's that? Going to Pizza Hut to celebrate.

Richie?

Oh, yeah. Okay, buddy.

Is that apple juice? No.

Honestly, you have real natural athletic skills.

You could be a terrific ball player.

When you throw it to me, and I catch it...

Not with my face, but with a glove. I like it.

I am starting to get the fever.

Dude, this chick is so hot.

What's going on?

Nothing. Just refilling the bar.

I love salad.

Yeah, it's...

...good and good for you.

I love salad.

That was some Barry White shit. Very smooth.

Yeah, I work it when I have to.

How's "Ms. Pac-Man" treating you? That red ghost is kicking my balls.

Yeah, that's them, Uncle Jerry.

Richie Goodman and Clark Reedy?

What were you losers doing on my ball field today?

Clark was. I was home. They were with me.

We were just hitting balls. These kids showed up and we scrimmaged them.

That is priceless.

Clork the Dork and Richie Bitchy playing baseball.

Why is that so funny? Because they're retards.

They should stick to what they know: Boogers and dingleberries.

You, stay away from my field...

...or I'll have my 12-year-old nephew kick your ass.

Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.

What was that? You gave them nicknames.

I thought I'd give you one. Fairy Jerry.

Oh, really? Really.

Okay, Gus.

Gus...

Gus Bus. What?

That's you. Gus Bus.

Wow, that was a brutal comeback.

Let's go, guys. I don't think I'll ever recover from that.

Man.

You stay off my field.

Stay away from the fairy dust, Jerry.

"Gus Bus"? Shut up, Troy.

It was the coolest, Gus.

Never seen anybody stand up to Jerry like that.

I knew guys like that where I grew up. They think they can do whatever.

I just wanted to say...

...that was great, the way you put Jerry McDowell in his place.

That was no big deal.

Well, unfortunately for all of us...

...Jerry's in charge of the baseball league for the county.

Hey. Are you the kid that got farted on earlier?

Yes. This is my son Nelson.

He's become the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

His son just did that to me last week.

I tried to talk to Jerry. He just laughed and gave me a titty twister.

Guys like that don't realize the damage they're causing.

I couldn't agree more.

By the way, thanks for hitting Kyle Wilson in the chest with the ball...

...then letting me rip one right in his mouth earlier.

It was one of the best days of my life.

This car is so radical.

Looks just like K.I.T.T. From the show Knight Rider.

It is K.I.T.T. From Knight Rider.

Watch this.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I. T. T.

Who are you?

I'm just one of those nerds who grew up...

...to make billions.

Maybe I'll see you guys around sometime.

It was a pleasure to meet you all.

Easy, Mel.

I have yet to perfect the peel-out.

It was fine. No, no, no. That was cool.

Yeah. Chicks were checking you out.

Try not to destroy me completely, Mel.

Hey, honey, I'm home.

Where have you been? I was with Clark and Richie.

I am on an ovulating schedule. You were supposed to be here at 6:00.

I thought you meant Central Mountain Time.

Did you mean Pacific Standard Time?

Why would you think that? Because you're from Colorado.

Don't you ovulate according to where you're born?

Gus, that's just weird.

So from now on, it's Pacific Standard Time.

Pacific Standard Time. I'm all over that, baby. I love you.

Check out this mitt. It's all black.

I look like a Borack warrior from the Captain Mighty series.

Well, get a load of Mega Mitt.

Hey! Hey! What the...?

Watch it!

Clark? Richie?

I hardly recognize you clowns without underwear on your head.

Brad. You have really not slimmed down.

Oh, eat me.

So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now.

I didn't know "athlete" had three syllables. "a-tha-lete."

That's "ama-za-zing."

You think you're hot shit because you know words.

Why don't you be a stud and point us toward the register.

Or "register-er."

My team practices today at 5. Swing by if you she-men wanna lose.

You can't handle the truth!

Bring it! Suck it!

Gus!

Gus!

He can't hear us.

Hey, fellas.

You okay, Richie? Yeah, I'm fine. Just purple nuts.

We just had a run-in with one of our old bullies at the sporting goods store.

What happened? He said we're wussies...

...and he challenged us to a game.

I don't know if you can leave work. Of course I can.

I'll mow this later. Let's take this guy down.

I think I'm gonna puke. Grab my arm.

Bobby, this one's coming for you. Focus and give us a double play now.

Let's go!

Thattaway. Good job.

Looks like the Three Muske-queers decided to show up.

Everybody, get your butts in here. Time for us to scrimmage some losers.

Yeah, we got a "scrim-im-age." Come on!

How the hell will this work with three guys?

We got a pitcher, a catcher, and a fielder.

No, you've got a retarded paperboy, a gay video clerk...

...and a smelly midget.

You wanna dance? I'll dance on your face.

Dance? We'll beat your ass.

Death to you. Titty twister!

My wife's the only one who gets to twist these man-titties.

I just know you guys better... Better come ready to play!

Gus is the new Jet Li.

Bring it on!

Hey, Dad, come down to the field, quick!

Strike one!

Strike two!

Strike three!

Hey! What? It slipped.

Strike three!

Hey! What are you laughing at?

He told me a joke.

Let's go, Richie! Oh, yeah.

Hey, Dad, come here. Look.

Might wanna throw a fielder up in those mountains, in case:

What you got? Strike!

Pulled something. Used to run track.

Come on, Richie.

Strike two! I didn't swing at that. Can't count it.

Strike three!

Could you tell him to slow it down?

Did you tell him?

Here you go, Clark. Thanks, Nelson.

You're welcome.

Home run!

Yeah! Yeah, did you see that?

All right! You hit another homer!

Howie! He just hit a home run!

Strike one! Strike two! Strike three!

Can I get you a tennis racket?

No!

Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo.

Great game. Hey, thanks, Mel.

Say, guys, I have this sensational idea I wanna run by you.

Are you free for lunch tomorrow?

I usually take lunch from 12 to 4:30, so if it's in there I could handle it.

Tomorrow is egg salad day...

...but I guess I could double up on lunch.

Gus, what do you think?

One sounds good. Great.

I'm at 501 Shmegmer Street.

See you then. See you, Nelson.

Bye. Bye, guys. What do you think it's about?

Dude, you're in trouble. No way.

You're definitely busted.

I didn't do anything. I swear!

This is it? I always wondered who lived here.

I just thought it was Clay Aiken or something.

Who goes there? That is so cool!

It's Gus, Clark and Richie. We're here to see Mel.

You may enter. Thanks, Darth.

"Thanks, Darth."

This place is sick, yo. This house must cost a zillion dollars.

Two zillion, actually.

Hey, Mel. This place is incredible.

Thank you, Gus. Gentlemen, welcome to Chateau Shmegmer.

Shall we adjourn to the food quarters?

Gentlemen, make yourselves at home.

Yoda! R2!

Number 7!

Lunch is ready when you are, Mr. Carmichael.

Hey, Number 7. Don't touch me!

Gentlemen, let's eat. Sit wherever you please.

Gentlemen, order any kind of sandwich you'd like.

Number 7, thank you.

I'll have a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich with mayonnaise.

Can I have tuna fish and Skittles...

...and pudding skin on wheat, with the crust cut off?

I guess so.

That was radical!

All right, I got a crazy one for you, Number 7.

I'd like a turkey on white...

He's good.

So, what's on your mind, Mel?

Gentlemen, it is time we brought this cause into the public eye.

What cause? The cause of the benchwarmers...

...the kids who warm the bench while the others get to play and have fun.

All of us here in this room have been excluded from athletic activities...

...and now our kids are going through the same tomfoolery.

Now, Richie, do you have any kids? Never had a date.

Clark? Never spoke to a girl.

Gus? My wife and I are working on it.

Well, when you do have them...

...you will know how painful it is to see them sad.

Bonjour, dudes. Hey, Nelson.

How's it going? There's my man.

Son, you have a little smear of something on your cheek.

From a dog or a cat?

I think it's a goat.

Number 7, some assistance, please.

Thanks, Number 7. You're my best friend.

As you are mine, Nelson.

That's so cool.

Now, this is why I wanna start a round-robin tournament...

...with you incredible men against all the notoriously mean-spirited teams.

But why us three?

Because you know what it feels like to be left out.

You're three grown men who never got to play baseball...

...because you were weird and smelled and sat when you peed.

Okay, the last one was just me. But you get my point.

But why would any of these teams agree to play in this tournament?

For the prize.

That's incredible! Killer!

An official-size stadium, modeled to scale...

...after all the greatest ballparks in America.

Like Wrigley, Fenway and Yankee Stadium.

Nelson and his buddies have set up websites devoted to your team.

You can go on Nerdly. Net, TheBenchwarmers. Org...

...or Please-stop-with-the-shit-tossing- it's-getting-old. Com.

Why don't you just build a stadium for Nelson and his buddies...

...and keep everybody else out? That won't solve anything.

Yeah, Clark.

If we can beat them at their own game...

...then kids like Nelson and his buddies will get respect.

We'll do it. Come on.

Benchwarmers on three. One, two, three.

Benchwarmers!

Can I get a napkin? I spilled my ice cream.

On the counter.

Excuse me, sir. Are you Gus Matthews?

Sorry. I spit a lot when I speak. People despise me for it.

People spit. I mean, I spit when I talk sometimes, too, you know?

My name is Sammy. They call me Sammy Sprinkler.

Pleased to meet you, Sammy. I'm Gus. Gus Bus.

Hey, if I come to a game...

...can I be your scorekeeper and statistician?

Certainly. Yes!

All right. See you later, Sammy. You're the man, Gus. Peace out.

All right.

Who was that boy?

I'm just seeing if he might be interested in babysitting our triplets.

Why are you spitting on me? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

This is idiotic.

Are these guys serious about this benchwarmer crap?

It sounds like it. I'm not playing in this stinking thing.

If there weren't nerds in the world, who would we throw crap at?

No doubt. But what if we don't play, and they win it?

They'll probably build some weird nerd spaceship...

...and fly it to Planet Booger or something, I don't know.

Now, guys, it's one-game elimination.

They're as good as done.

You know what? You're right.

Let's strap it on, and beat these three geeks, and win us a new stadium.

Let's get it on!

This green one is sweet. Oh, all right. Okay.

We have a crowd, you guys.

Excellent!

Crap! What is she doing here? Who is it?

It's that salad chick from Pizza Hut. She's so hot, it's sick.

Hey, she's with me. You wish.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. How you feeling?

I just destroyed that Porta-Potty, but I'm feeling better.

Who did this?

Sorry!

Listen, I got a gift for you.

I never had my own uniform before.

We can't have a team without uniforms.

I'm never taking this off. This is the coolest thing ever.

This is the first game of the tournament. Let's go out styling.

Nelson, you showed some serious bat-retrieving skills last game.

What do you say about being the Benchwarmers' official batboy?

That means yes! All right!

Come on! What are we waiting for? Let's kick some hairless ass!

I had hair on my ass before I could walk.

This is it, kids.

The Benchwarmers' quest for a stadium is about to begin.

Karl's! Karl's Auto Body, the bad guys...

... have taken the field in our Internet Podcast of Benchwarmers baseball.

First to bat, Richie Goodman.

Fingers crossed.

Come on, Richie. Easy out here. Let's go.

The pitcher pitches...

Strike!

I ticked it.

I ticked it again.

Strike!

Nice try, son.

Just fouled two in front of salad girl. Nice.

Next up to bat, Clark Reedy.

All right, Clark. Here we go. You're the man.

Those squirrels are definitely out.

That's my Miata! Kill him!

Hey, break it up!

Why is this happening?

Come on! Snap his femur!

Richie, help me!

Help me!

Mommy!

Come on, Gus.

We need it. You can do it.

Home run! Yeah!

Strike!

Strike!

Another one!

Oh, my God!

Strike!

Strike!

Gus Bus! Gus Bus! Gus Bus!

This can't just be about me. I gotta get these guys more involved.

Look alive, Clark! I wanna go home.

No, we need you, buddy.

No, you don't. I'm awful.

Come on, now.

Let's go, Tommy!

This one's coming right to you, Clark.

It's up, Clark! Clark!

Clark, look out!

Attaboy! Good job!

All right! Good throw!

Use your mitt, son, not your head!

Get it in here, pal! Get it in here.

Hold, hold, hold. Good job.

Gus, come on. Let's end this.

Two outs. Strike this kid out, like before.

A home run here would tie it up...

...and knock the Benchwarmers out of the tournament.

There we go! Nice! Go! Run!

Make the play, Clark!

Clark, go!

Pick up the ball!

Run! Go, go, go!

Richie! Incoming!

What did you say?

There we go! Nice! Go! Richie, get the ball!

The ball?

Behind you!

You're out!

What are you doing?!

Yes!

I'm sorry, honey, we had another game today.

I pulled a muscle sliding into second.

You gotta be kidding. It's all right, I was safe.

Gus, we're trying to start a family. I can't do it by myself.

I would hope not, because that would make you a hermaphrodite.

We don't want that.

I'm glad this is a big joke to you.

Honey, I was just having a little fun.

Come on, don't go.

Gentlemen, yesterday's performance was phenomenal.

All the online chat rooms are exploding with enthusiasm.

Hey, Mel, why aren't we out practicing on the field?

Well, I thought we could have kind of a secret practice.

Maybe become more well-rounded as a unit.

Nothing much. Hitting, running, throwing, catching.

Yeah, Clark. I heard you stunk.

Shut up, Number 7. You shut up.

I'll kill you.

I want you guys to meet an old friend of mine...

...who knows a thing or two about baseball.

Ready when you are, buddy!

Is that Mr. T? Dude, it's Dr. Dre.

No, no.

That's Reggie Jackson.

Yeah, no, I don't know.

Mr. October! Five hundred and sixty-three home runs.

Twice World Series MVP...

...where he spanked four consecutive home runs.

Three on three pitches.

Reggie bar and I met at tuba camp when we were kids.

Look at that. Oh, no way.

That's you, Reggie? Why is that so funny?

I was a cute kid. Oh, absolutely.

You're like a young Denzel.

I didn't know Denzel played Urkel.

Reginator and I went through some tough times...

...with bullies and being picked on.

I can't stand that stuff. Drives me crazy!

Crazy! Easy, buddy.

Easy.

Anyway, I told Reggie-Reggie-Oxen-Free...

...we're having problems with our fundamentals.

He agreed to come and help us run some drills. Isn't that great?

We'll do the same drills that I did when I was a kid learning to play.

All right.

All right.

Hey, so whose house is this?

This is to teach you speed.

How is standing here gonna teach us speed? What are you doing?

Hey, run! Why?

Go, go! Reggie, you're nuts!

Go, go, go!

Who in the hell is it?! I was freaking sleeping!

Nobody messes with me!

I will rip your throat out! Do you hear me?!

And I will find you!

You're in the bushes!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! Go back to sleep!

Come on, guys, let's go. Come on. Run, run, run.

Who's there?

You better run, you smart alecks!

Who is it, Brad? Just a bunch of punks...

...who better watch their backs!

Relax, smarty pants. Let's finish the massage.

Brad have a pool? I don't think so.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Oh, you little devil. I'm gonna get you.

Nightmares.

This next drill, boys, is for your catch-and-quick-release skills.

Hot potato!

No!

Excellent, Clark.

Clark, let it go!

Throw it! Get rid of it! Come on, let it go!

Release! Release! Release!

Sorry.

Oh, dear.

Well...

The final drill is for hand-eye coordination. Hit it, Mel!

Let's go racing!

Look at that! Excellent! That's insane!

Yeah, baby! You got it, buddy.

That's my friend!

Give me the bat.

Gus Bus! Gus Bus!

Thattaway to go.

Don't fall.

You got it. You can do it. Hit it, baby!

Man, you can do it. You can do it. Let me see it.

Clark, you're lucky I'm a billionaire.

The score is all tied up.

The bottom of the sixth. This is the Benchwarmers' closest battle yet.

Strike.

All right, Clark. See the ball, be the ball.

Strike two!

Clark just made contact. With his own head.

Grab real tight and concen...

Hey!

Better distance that time. Yeah. Thanks.

Richie's coming up. The Benchwarmers need a hit here.

All right, Richie, here we go.

She's way out of your league.

What's? You're probably a 39-year-old virgin.

Women don't think that's too cute.

Shouldn't you be at home, like, combing your doll's hair?

Shouldn't you be at home blowing a doll up?

That's the only action a tool like you is ever gonna get.

Take it out on the ball, not his head.

Run! Run!

Move your ass, Richie!

Run, Richie, run! You got it! Way to run!

Go! Go! Go!

Slide if you have to!

He's rounding third and heading for home!

Bring it, dork.

Touch home plate! Touch home plate!

Richie, touch home!

Safe! He scores!

Benchwarmers win! It's a miracle! It's a miracle!

I ain't a virgin now...

...to home runs, beyotch!

The Benchwarmers win a close one on Richie's first home run...

... in the history of the universe. We'll see you in game three.

I never hit it. Can we have your autographs?

Are you serious?

Yeah, you can. All right.

Write my name on the ball?

You see that home run? Tell your sister about it.

Wait, do you need my address too?

You guys are making some noise. This is music to my ear hair.

My dad has ear hair. It's pretty scary.

Is "badass" one or two words?

How do they keep winning?! These guys are turd nuggets!

Who wants to wrestle? I'm in.

All right. I'm good, I'm good.

Gotcha.

Howie, look, they're not gonna kill you, all right?

They're dropping off the cookies I ordered.

They look very aggressive.

I think they wanna beat me up. Trust me, you'll be fine.

Just take the Thin Mints back into the apartment.

That's our food for the week. Fine.

You can eat the Thin Mints at my funeral, Richie.

Hot. Hot.

Hot sun.

Cookie.

Sun, bad! Sun, bad!

Excuse me?

Are you okay? How you doing? Yeah. Wrong pipe.

No biggie. What's going on? Just returning these movies.

Hey, well, I'm the management so I'm gonna waive the late fee.

Oh, they're not late. But thank you.

Well, anything you want in the store is free too, so...

I'm Sarah, and this is my brother Jarrett.

He's a huge fan of yours and the Benchwarmers.

Cool. Thanks for cheering us on.

Hey, what does "beyotch" mean?

That's...

That means "good game" in Swedlandia.

Well, we'll let you get back to work.

Okay. But maybe I'll see you at another game, hopefully?

Yeah. Definitely.

All right. See you, Jarrett. Beyotch yesterday.

Marty, what do you think of my future wife?

I smell cinnamon rolls.

Oh, I smell cinnamon rolls too.

Gentlemen, check it out.

Nerd headquarters. Never felt more comfortable in my life.

Hey, guys, take a gander at these. We made your own baseball cards.

Give me that. Let me see this.

What? They got statistics.

I hit 30 home runs. I got 11 foul ticks.

I have 20 eyes-closed strikeouts, five broken windshields, six dead birds.

I'm freaking awesome!

Now listen up. Brookdale and Candia both advanced today.

We have to beat them to make it to the semifinals.

Unfortunately, it is on their own home turf.

We'll have to hit the road for a few days.

Did you say Brookdale? Yeah, aren't you from Brookdale?

Yeah. Oh, that's great.

We'll have a big welcome-home party for you.

No!

I mean, it's all right.

I lost contact with everybody there.

Wait, so we're staying overnight?

Does my mother have to sign a permission slip?

No, but we will have to change your diaper.

Seriously, it's been three days.

Sweetheart, I have to leave town for a landscaping convention.

You never mentioned a landscaping convention before.

I know. This is the first one.

My ovulation schedule is delayed because of the full moon anyway.

So it's okay.

Hey, Gussie, imagine if we had a boy first...

...and he grew up to be smart and sweet and handsome.

Or imagine he's only 3 feet tall...

...and everybody in the school calls him Midget Boy or Yoda.

Then, just for fun, they throw him into bowling pins...

...and laugh until they pee all over themselves.

Were you Midget Boy or Yoda?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Just make some room, honey, I gotta take a leak.

Oh, my God, you're not kidding! Gus, stop it!

Mel is officially insane.

Oh, my God.

Right?

Gus, how sick is this? It sleeps five and it's got Playstation.

Check out the fridge, it's full of sweets. I'm already on my third candy bar.

Oh, man. Mother would not approve of this.

That's creepy.

What the hell is that? That's just Howie.

Howie? You left the house. Good for you.

Richie told me about the killer in the neighborhood.

He's killing anyone named Howie. That's my name. That's my name.

Just go with it.

Let's go, boys, we gotta be in Candia by 2:00. Oh, FYl:

This team we're playing is notorious for egging comic-book conventions.

Destroy them!

Howie, you're a freak.

Edgar, let's get this Gus Bus on the road.

Game three. Benchwarmers vs. Standard Fence at Candia City Park.

Are we here? Loser!

I think we are.

It's sixth inning and the Benchwarmers are down by one run...

...with Clark Reedy up on deck.

Clark, hold the bat. Wait. Why?

That's good. What are you doing?

Oh, I see. It's gonna be great.

Hey, Richie! I look like a mummy!

God, it worked! Clark got a hit!

Awesome! The other way!

Come on, run it out!

Let's go! Yeah!

And Richie scores! That ties it up, four to four!

I made it! I made it! Yeah!

Clark, bend down.

What the heck was that? I mean, come on!

What a moron!

The ball gets away from the catcher! Gus goes to second!

Go! He missed it!

Hey! What the...? Let go!

Go, Gus, go! You got it!

Come on, over here! Third! I got it! You got it. You got it.

Get the ball! Get the ball! Home!

Yeah!

It burns.

Hot. It burns. It burns.

And the Benchwarmers win it, 5-4.

Look at all these people. We're like the Beatles.

Or Wham! .

Get your Benchwarmers souvenirs.

Slide rules, pocket protectors, pennants.

We got everything you need.

Welcome to Brookdale for game four. Benchwarmers ball is on the Internet.

Coach Bellows, Gus Matthews from the Benchwarmers.

Shake hands and have a good game.

Matthews. That sounds familiar. You from around here?

No.

I grew up on the North Pole.

Not even close to here.

And here's the pitch.

It's a high fly ball!

Bad news. The Benchwarmers are behind, 2-0.

Gus is up. Clark's on third.

He smacked that one!

No! Relax.

This game is all tied up.

Richie hit a four-footer. Go, Richie!

Run it out! Run it out! Get there!

He's safe! He's safe! He's safe!

Way to go! Run it out! He's rounding third.

Richie scores!

Clark overran third base.

Safe! Yeah!

Too high! Bad idea! Call 911!

That was close. Benchwarmers, 3-2. Brookdale Glass is shattered!

Hey, could we please leave, Mel? What? Oh, yeah, sure.

Gus!

Gus, maybe this'll relax you.

Fresh off the presses of The Daily Shmegmer.

We're on the front page. No way!

"Benchwarmers Get Hizzot and Rizoll Into Semi-Fizinals."

Mel, if my wife sees this, I'm totally busted.

Do not fret, my good man.

Number 7 is covering Clark's paper route.

Problem solved, Gus.

Welcome to the semifinals of Mel's tournament.

Wayne's Hardware stands between the Benchwarmers and the final game.

Meanwhile, the nerd fans are attempting their first wave ever.

Hey, Jerry, what's going on?

Who's this?

I wanted you guys to have a little edge today, so I brought my friend Carlos.

He is from the Dominican Republic, and he is one incredible ball player.

Carlos, that's great.

How old are you? I am 12.

More like 1200.

Check my birth certificate.

He's legit.

You're kidding. This is green crayon.

That's your kid?

Well, thanks a lot, Jerry, but my team kicks ass.

I think we'll be fine. Well, he's here if you need him.

I need a refill. You need to go to an AA meeting.

No, really. I need a refill.

Here, hold this.

Look, a vampire.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Strike three!

It's a hit parade!

Time-out!

It's about time. You're in, you're in. Give me that.

Come on, hombre. We need mucho home run-o's.

Dude, you smell like beer. You look like beer.

Hey, who the hell's this guy? Sorry.

Is he on your roster? Yeah, of course he is.

He wasn't well earlier, so I couldn't play him.

Mi tummy es sick-o.

This guy's 50. He's got a mustache.

Not according to birth "certifico."

He's got documentation. Play ball!

Get out of here, baby! Get out of here, baby!

Yeah!

Oh, shit.

Howie, listen, take this money...

...go buy beer and tequila, and come right back.

Don't be scared. I don't wanna do that.

Go, go, go.

Nelson. You're all right.

Strike three!

You gotta step in the batter's box.

I'm gonna kill your family.

Yes!

Yeah! Gone!

Looks like the Gus Bus is out of gas.

I got it! I got it!

That's what I'm talking about!

Third inning, and the Benchwarmers cling to a one-run lead.

Your hair is like a waterfall.

Thank you. Carlos.

Who say my name?

This is a present from the Benchwarmers.

You're really good at baseball. Awesome.

Gracias, albino. Now get lost!

Two outs and the Benchwarmers hanging on, 6-5.

Go, go, go! Gus, go!

Safe! Yes! He did it!

He did it! No way! God!

My hand!

Top of the sixth, Benchwarmers leading, 7-5.

That looks rough, dude. Is it broken?

It's not broken, but I can't pitch.

Richie, can you pitch? Hell, no, dude. I can't even catch.

My vote is to have Clark pitch. Wait, why me?

You throw newspapers. You have to have some arm.

Come on, come on. Let's go, guys. Clark, we have no other choice.

What are you gonna do? I'll play the outfield.

I can still catch pop flies.

I'll try.

I wonder if Clark pitched before.

Nope. Come on, really burn it in.

Ball three.

Come on.

Ball four. Take your base.

Two-run lead. Bases are loaded, and Carlos is coming up.

One run scores.

The tying run scores.

Here comes the lead run! And he is...

Out! Oh, my God! What a play!

We go to the bottom of the last inning, and it's all tied up.

Carlos, we need tres more outs to go into extra innings.

Is that beer?

No, it's Gatorade, honky. Just give me the ball.

The Benchwarmers need something against Carlos. He's unhittable.

It's a live ball! Run it out! Clark, run it out!

Yes!

Maria...

...why did you leave me?

Letting a 12-year-old drink like that is disgusting.

Here we go, Richie, here we go!

Ball! Come on, ump, he's ducking it!

Here we go, Richie, here we go!

Take your base.

Gus is up, and here's the pitch.

Safe!

Hey, who's on deck?

Damn! Oh, no. They don't have anyone else.

They have to forfeit. What?

You have any reserve players? No.

What about that guy over there eating sun block?

He's never played before.

That's not my problem. He's got a uniform.

Hey, either he plays or you forfeit the game. Play ball!

Last inning, winning run's on third, and it's all up to Howie.

Look at this freak. Son, son. Get in the batter's box.

Someone get his sword.

Here you go, Howie. Take this. Nelson. Nelson.

Get up and take a swing.

Look at all those albinos.

Wait till he pitches the ball, retard.

Strike!

They should let him use his sword.

Maria!

No. Come on, weird guy!

Weird guy! Weird guy! Weird guy!

Take the base.

No way! We win! We win! Amazing!

You have to touch first base, kid. Come on, come on.

Howie, hit by the pitch, forces in the winning run...

...and sends the Benchwarmers to the finals!

That's game.

Carlos, you're drunk!

We're here with Richie Goodman of the Benchwarmers.

How do you feel after that win?

What can I say? Baseball's in my blood.

Hey, could I give a shout-out to my main salad girl at Pizza Hut?

I like salad.

Guys, can you believe this crap?

I'd like to beat his ass, just like I did back in the diz-ay.

Are they any good? The only guy that's good is that guy.

This is Gus Matthews, the heart and soul of the Benchwarmers.

Gus Matthews?

So were you bullied as a kid?

The bully thing affected my life pretty huge, and I wanna tell you kids...

... messing with other kids can do a lot of damage.

What? That guy damaged more kids than anybody I knew.

He made my life hell growing up.

You're twice his size. You could crush that little puke.

He didn't do the physical warfare.

He played the psychological card by attacking your weaknesses.

I started losing my hair when I was 9 years old.

He jumped all over it with the mean nicknames.

Eight Ball, Bowling Ball...

...Kojak, Mr. Clean, Cream of Wheat Guy...

...Scatman Crothers, the Black Uncle Fester.

How about the Black Bodybuilding Charlie Brown?

That's a good one.

He used that too!

Oh, don't cry, buddy. I think your hair's the bomb, yo.

It looks great. Doesn't it, guys? Yeah.

Really, brothers? Yeah.

Sure, Daddy Warbucks. I would've never have thought that was a wig.

If I was blindfolded.

Got a problem? Why don't you punch me in the face as hard as you can.

Pour some honey on me. Let me see you get really mad.

Anyway, at least I left there with my sanity.

He actually teased this one midget boy in our neighborhood league so bad...

...the little fella up and quit baseball and went into the loony bin.

Guys, we gotta tell Jerry. He's gonna love this.

Definitely. Yeah.

Really? Well, thanks, Cassandra.

What's the score now, Mel? Well, Jerry's Lumber just won, 5-2.

That means our town gets the stadium!

Nelson and his buddies will, because we'll kill those guys!

Yeah! Wicked!

Number 7, shakes all around! Yes!

I gotta take a leak.

Down the hall, 12th door on the right.

Last night, we did a story about the Benchwarmers...

... a team of three men who were excluded from baseball as kids...

... and are now making up for lost time.

Hello, Gus. This is the urinal speaking.

Chemical analysis of your pee shows you'd better stop eating fast food...

... or you're going to die.

We have just been given evidence that one of the men, Gus Matthews...

... is not the man he's been saying he is.

Hey, no shake for me. The toilet said so.

Gus Matthews was easily the biggest bully in Brookdale.

Well, you weren't the nicest kid in school either, Steven.

I hate everybody!

What a baby. But he's right.

I was their principal back then, and Gus was in my office constantly.

I remember he especially picked so hard on one kid...

... that the poor boy was institutionalized.

That's really too bad. Those guys inspired a lot of really nice kids.

This is Kathy Dobson from Channel 9 news.

You were a jerk just like the rest of the kids who mess with me?

I made a mistake, Nelson.

I wish I could take it all back.

I can't believe I looked up to you.

I don't know what to say, guys.

I'm sorry.

Let's party!

Not now, Number 7!

Is that why you don't wanna have kids, Gus?

Do you feel you don't deserve a happy family because of your past?

I'm afraid that if we have kids, they're gonna get picked on without mercy...

...because karma will be catching up with me.

Sweetheart, you are wrong. Life's about learning lessons.

I can't just learn a lesson and move on.

That little boy that I picked on when I was a kid...

...he didn't ever move on.

I bet he'd be able to move on if you said you were sorry.

Can I help you?

Marcus, honey. What is it, Mother?

I just finished another peanut butter sculpture. It's a pterodactyl.

Oh, that's nice. You have a visitor, dear.

But I don't know anyone.

It's Gus from grade school.

No!

Don't come down here!

Marcus... No, don't come down!

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Don't touch me! Please, hear me out.

Just give me a chance.

Marcus, stop trying to cast spells.

Marcus... Stay away!

Look, Marcus, I want to apologize...

...for all the nasty things I did to you when we were kids.

I'm not here to mess with you.

You're lying to me like all the other times.

You are denied entry.

I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart.

I was stupid, Marcus.

Get out of my basement! You're a bad, bad man! Go! Get out!

I didn't expect you to forgive me. I mean...

Look, I know because of me...

...you were never able to feel what it was like to play ball...

...or be part of a team.

So I wanna give you my hat, Marcus.

Because even though you didn't know it...

...you are the heart and soul of this squad.

I'll see you around, buddy.

Start here.

You've got 24 hours. What, are you serious?

If you build it, nerds will come.

And keep it under a billion. It's all I've got...

...on me.

Excellent!

Okay, people!

We got 24 hours to build us a ballpark! Can we do it?

Yeah!

Cool!

Are you kidding me? Look at this. Dude, this place is huge!

Swings! We'll go on the swings later.

Slide. That's right, there's a pool.

We'll all go in after. I forgot my floaties.

We're here live in Greenfield for the big game...

...between the Benchwarmers and Jerry's Lumber.

The Benchwarmers were recently rocked by scandal.

Let's see what the fans have to say.

Excuse me, sir. What do you think of the accusations against Gus?

His soul will perish in the fire pit of the underworld.

There you have it. The fire pits. Not a good time.

Around the horn.

We could still win this thing.

Wha...? How? Lf we use the Force.

Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.

The Force is powerful, my young padawan.

He's right. It is.

Hey, guys.

I know I'm not on the team anymore...

...but I just wanted you to know that I'm here to support you.

Because you'll always be my best friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Shmegmer Park...

...and the final game of Mel's Tournament...

...of Little Baseballers and Three Older Guys!

Homo!

Hey, check out the little gnome.

Play ball!

Can I say something?

Yeah, I guess so.

Hand me the mike, please. I can't reach it.

Hello, everyone. My name is Marcus Ellwood...

...better known as Dragonmaster784.

Or Yoda! Or Midget Boy!

It is true I ended up in an institution as a child...

...from Gus bullying me all the time.

And he made my life miserable for years.

To be honest, I thought I would never stop hating him.

But then yesterday he came to visit me in my basement.

And as I cowered in my peanut butter fort, he apologized to me.

And I could hear the sadness in his voice.

This nerd makes me seem like Rambo.

I don't think so.

John Stamos? Warmer.

And then, moments after my old nemesis left...

...I saw a hat on my stuffed moose.

The hat of a Benchwarmer.

A Benchwarmer begging for a new start, just like me...

...and so many of you.

He shouldn't get a new start! I'll never forgive the kids who picked on me!

Yeah!

Young one, life is too short to harbor hatred.

Do you remember episode number 38 of Dungeon Wars?

The golden elves forgive the great giants for destroying their village...

...even though the giants made the elves' life hell.

The elves realized the giants were tortured too.

He's a modern-day Yoda.

I mean, not his looks but his philosophy stuff.

Actually, his looks too. Yeah. His looks a little bit too, yeah.

And so I forgive my new friend Gus, as all of you should.

Look at all the joy and hope he's brought to all of us.

He has more than paid his dues.

Go, Gus! Come on, Marcus!

Thank you, Marcus. Come on.

Hey. Buddies for life. Thanks.

I want a little man too. Here you go.

Me and the guys have been playing all these games, not for revenge.

We did it to show that everyone should be allowed to play baseball...

...and have fun.

And that is why Clark, Richie and I will not be playing in the game today.

Instead, our team will consist of kids who've never known...

...what it's like to play in front of a crowd or to be cheered on.

Let me tell you, it's an awesome feeling.

So please, put your nerd and jock hands together...

...and welcome to the field the new Benchwarmers!

Yeah! Hi!

All right!

Now, lastly, let's make some noise for your new third-base coach:

Marcus Ellwood!

Is he all right?

For years I thought the sun was a monster.

I'm here to tell you that it's not a monster. It's not a monster!

You're all right. Take him in the shade.

All right, let's have some fun!

Hey, everybody, it's Clark and Richie...

... and we're standing in for Gretchen and Mitchell.

And we're gonna get things going right now. Big deck.

He got it.

Oh, no.

And he's okay.

Oh, hey, that's my helmet! That's my helmet!

It's all right, buddy.

Nice try, Sammy!

Oh, my God, I just saw your head for the first time.

Let's give a nice round of applause for little Sammy Sprinkler!

He missed it and people are cheering.

Yeah, and his coach didn't even yell at him.

That's pretty cool.

And here comes our lead-off hitter with a familiar tape job.

Gretchen, I know why you're taping your hands.

I also know why there's three squirrels that won't be at this game today.

Strike! Strike! Strike!

Well, there's a strikeout.

That's okay! Good try! Good try!

Good going, Gretchen.

All right, next up it's Jarrett.

If you know Jarrett, you know his sister works at Pizza Hut. She's over there.

Another strikeout.

And a strikeout. Strikeout.

Strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout.

And a strikeout.

I think we got a free stadium!

Clark, we're beating them in strikeouts.

And you're also beating them in boogers picked, so we got that.

Good game. Drive home safe tonight. On the yellow brick road.

God, he's a dick.

He got all of that one. Back, back, back!

In the pool!

Good hit, Kyle.

Yeah, nice one, Kyle.

Go, Kyle!

Well, it's 42 to nothing as we head into the last inning.

And it looks like the Benchwarmers will go down without a fight.

Hey. What are you smiling at?

I guess how much fun they're having.

Wipe the smile off your face or I'll wipe it off for you.

You got three more outs.

You blow this shutout, you won't play on a team next year. Got it?

Get out there and annihilate those stinkweeds!

Let's go!

Come on, let's do this!

Strike one!

Hang in there, son!

Come on, Nelson!

Strike two!

Come on, strike out this loser!

You know what? You're the loser.

Time!

What's up, buddy? Hey, Nelson.

I'll throw you one down the middle. What does that mean?

It means choke up on the bat a little and swing away.

The ball's gonna be right there. Hey, thanks.

I can help you with your social studies homework later if you need it.

Sounds good. I suck at social studies.

Okay, guys, follow my lead.

Butterfingers. He got a hit!

Come on! Go, go! Oh, my God!

Why are you kicking it?!

Go, go!

Go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Run! Come on! Go! Go! Go home!

Go, go, go! Go, Nelson!

Nelson, get at the plate!

Slide! Slide!

Safe!

We did not get shut out!

What is going on? What is going on? Let go of me! Nerds!

You put me down! What is going on?


Can I let you in on a secret? Sure.

I've never actually, like, totally, 100-percent kissed a girl before...

...and I was wondering if you would be my first one.

I would like nothing more than that.

Rea...?

Clark!

You kissed a girl before I did?

This is way better than macaroni.

I'm not afraid of the sun anymore.

That's good, buddy. How's the moon treating you?

Not a fan.

Hey, Gus. The new Benchwarmers are gonna need a coach next season.

What do you say?

I'd be honored, Mel...

...but I might be a little busy getting my family started.

Actually, honey, it's already been started.

Really?

Hey, everybody!

I'm gonna be a dad!

That's quite an ovation. You wanna hear an even bigger one?

The reason she's pregnant is because I went all the way with her!

That's so great. What does "all the way" mean?