The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982) Script

It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw.

It lay about a mile outside the city limits, so everybody could feel real friendly.

Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace picked it out for Miss Wulla Jean in 1910, and she moved there with her girls from over the hardware store on Main Street.

♪ Oh, the little house lay

♪ In a green Texas glade

♪ Where the trees were as coolin'

♪ As fresh lemonade

♪ Soft summer wind

♪ Had a trace of perfume

♪ And a fan was turnin'

♪ In every room

♪ 20 fans were turnin' They were turnin'

♪ 20 fans were turnin' in every room

♪ Fevers were a-burnin' They were burnin'

♪ And they had to have a way to cool down ♪

FRED". Right from the beginning, the little house was kinda special, like a home away from home.

Miss Wulla Jean put a pianola in the parlor to sorta help break the ice.

A feller could ask a girl to dance, or if he held back a little, she'd ask him.

And pretty soon they'd get a little business goin'.

Two dollars' worth.


It wasn't long before the place became one of the better known pleasure palaces in all of Texas.

So much so that the fellers who visited during World War I sent their sons back in World War ll.

The hospitality and friendliness never changed, and neither did Miss Wulla Jean's strict set of rules.

She liked her ladies, as she called 'em, to treat her customers real good, but never in an unladylike way.

And she insisted that each girl check her gentleman for the clap and wash him off with soap and warm water.

Some of the fellers claimed that that was the best part!


It was only during the Hoover depression that the little house had a spell of tough times.

Miss Wulla Jean put in a jukebox to spark up business.

But it wasn't always easy in them days to come up with hard cash.

Well... You just keep that in the bag, and I'll take it out back as soon as we're finished.

So fora while, as the story goes, the girls began accepting poultry in trade.

One bird, one lay.

And that's how the place got its name.

The Chicken Ranch.

Of course, if you grew up anywhere in Texas, you knew at an early age they was sellin' somethin' out there, and it wasn't poultry.

♪ 20 fans were turnin' They were turnin'

♪ 20 fans were turnin' in every room

♪ Fevers were a-burnin' They were burnin'

♪ And they had to have a way to cool down

♪ 20 fans were hummin' They were hummin'

♪ 20 fans were hummin' in every room

♪ Customers were comin' They were comin'

♪ And they had to have a way to cool down ♪

♪ Bah, bah, ooh. Ooh

♪ Bah, bah, ooh. Ooh

♪ Bah, bah, ooh. Ooh

♪ Bah, bah, ooh. Ooh

♪ 20 fans were turnin' They were turnin'

♪ 20 fans were turnin' in every room

♪ Fevers were a-burnin' They were burnin'

♪ And they had to have a way to cool down

♪ 20 fans were hummin' They were hummin'

♪ 20 fans were hummin' in every room

♪ Customers were comin' They were comin'

♪ And they had to have a way to cool down ♪ Y'all come back now, you hear?


♪ 20 fans were turnin' They were turnin'

♪ 20 fans were turnin' in every room

♪ Fevers were a-burnin' They were burnin'

♪ And they had to have a way to cool down

♪ 20 fans were turnin' They were turnin'

♪ 20 fans were turnin' in every room

♪ Fevers were a-burnin' They were burnin'

♪ And they had to have a way to cool down

♪ Hallelujah. Hallelujah ♪

So, for over three generations, the Chicken Ranch went peacefully about its business, while the people here in Gilbert went about theirs.

That is, until about seven years ago.

I was a deputy back then, workin' for Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd.

You wanted me to remind you about your 2:00 appointment.

FRED". That was right after I had lost the fried chicken franchise here in town, while Ed Earl had been Sheriff ever since old Jack Roy Wallace retired.

Everybody liked Ed Earl, especially Ed Earl.

Course, he sure did know his job, and he was a big influence on me, taught me everything I know.

He used to like to run a quiet town, with plenty of time off for socializin' and coffee over at Dulcie Mae's cafe.

Oh, now and again there'd be a problem, and we had some tough ones. Right in front of my car!

Like the time the mule sat on Miss Modene's car.

He just buckled up his legs and sat right down!

She was really havin' a hissy fit, but it didn't faze Ed Earl.

He just walked over to that jackass and laid down the law.

You see, Ed Earl always believed in talkin' first.

Cool reasonin', he used to tell me, could solve any problem.

Course he did have a bit of a temper.

Anyway, just about the time he became sheriff, Miss Wulla Jean passed on.

She left the Chicken Ranch to her favorite workin' girl, Mona Stangley, who saw the little house as a Texas institution and aimed to keep it that way.

♪ It's just a

♪ Little bitty pissant country place

♪ Ain't nothin' much to see

♪ No drinkin' allowed

♪ We get a nice, quiet crowd

♪ Plain as it can be

♪ It's just a piddly, squattin'

♪ Old-time country place

♪ Ain't nothin' too high-toned

♪ Just lots of goodwill

♪ And maybe one small thrill

♪ But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

♪ Nothin' dirty goin' on

♪ We get simple farmers Local businessmen

♪ Congress folks from Austin Young boys lookin' for sin

♪ Now, we used to get a lot of roughnecks

♪ When the oil boom was high

♪ But payday'd get a little rowdy

♪ Thank God the field run dry

♪ It's just a little bitty pissant country place

♪ Nothin' much to see

♪ No drinkin' allowed We get a nice, quiet crowd

♪ Plain as it can be

♪ It's just a piddly, squattin' old-time country place

♪ Nothin' too high-toned

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

♪ Keep your language clean, girls

♪ Keep your bedrooms neat

♪ And don't hang around the town cafe

♪ And say hi on the street

♪ Mind your p's and q's and manners

♪ And you don't need no other tools

♪ 'Cause every girl that lives here knows my special no-no rules

♪ Yeah, every girl that lives here

♪ knows Miss Mon♪s no-no rules ♪ Ruby Rae, start 'em.

♪ Beds are not to be wallowed in

♪ That's the kind of thing that big, fat, lazy hogs do ♪ And it don't make money. Beatrice?

♪ And I won't tolerate no tyin' up my

♪ telephone with other people's business ♪ Eloise, honey?

♪ And please don't show us no tattoos

♪ No hearts and flowers on your thigh ♪ It's downright tacky.

♪ Brands belong on cattle

♪ And that ain't what we're sellin' at Miss Mon♪s r Do you catch my drift?

♪ I pay the food and the rent and the utilities

♪ You keep your mind on your work responsibilities

♪ Don't let your mouth overload your capabilities

♪ And we can get along ♪ Dawn?

♪ Any bad habits you come in with Get rid of right now ♪ Taddy Jo.

♪ I can't stand no chewin' gum It looks just like a cow ♪ Linda Lou.

♪ Anyone takin' sick leave oughta be real sure they're sick

♪ And every time you hear that bell ♪

♪ You better get here double-quick

♪ And as for pimps. Pimps are somethin' you don't need

♪ To get your daily business done ♪ Are you listenin' good?

♪ Keep them leeches and bloodsuckers

♪ Off the back roads I know how to use a gun

♪ And nobody messes with my girls

♪ And any questions you might have about the way I run this place

♪ Don't gripe and whine behind my back

♪ Just tell me face-to-face I'm open-minded

♪ Say it all Then go upstairs and pack

♪ The door's that away

♪ She pays the food and the rent and the utilities

♪ We keep our mind on our work responsibilities

♪ Don't let your mouth overload your capabilities

♪ And we can get along ♪ Well, howdy, boys.

It's good to see you. Nice to meet you.

Come on over here. I'd like you to meet my girls.

♪ It's just a

♪ Little bitty pissant country place

♪ Nothin' much to see

♪ No drinkin' allowed We get a nice quiet crowd

♪ Plain as it can be

♪ It's just a piddly, squattin' old-time country place

♪ Nothin' too high-toned

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

♪ It's just a little bitty pissant country place

♪ Nothin' much to see

♪ No drinkin' allowed We get a nice quiet crowd

♪ Plain as it can be

♪ It's just a piddly, squattin' old-time country place

♪ Nothin' too high-toned

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

♪ Nothin' dirty goin' on

♪ Yeah ♪

FRED". Well, everything was goin' along fine, just like always, until that famous college football celebration.

Some folks think that that's when the trouble started.

You see, for years, the winning seniors of the Texas Aggies-Texas U football game at Thanksgiving, they were treated to a night out at the Chicken Ranch by their alumni association.

But actually, the real trouble started brewin' about three days before.

I can't tell you how thrilled we are with your contribution.

Here's your receipt. Thank you, Rita.

Those kids'll be so excited, and the mayor, too.

Why, the town council will probably vote you another plaque.

Lord, I hope not. I got a closet full of 'em now.

Hello, Dulcie Mae. You know Miss Mona.

Oh, yes, of course! We've met. Mornin'.

Good mornin'.

Isn't this wonderful?

Miss Mona has just capped the goal for the Little League fund campaign.

Oh, how nice!

Well, on behalf of my son and his teammates, I wanna thank you.

You tell them I'll be well repaid when they take the championship next year.

Goodbye, Rita.

I'm sorry the sheriff wasn't here to thank you.

He drove over to Meritsville. He'll be gone all afternoon.

Well, you tell him I said hi. Bye.



Hey, Miss Mona.

How are you doin', Deputy Fred?

It's nice to see you.

It's good to see you. Keepin' an eye on my place at night?

Sure are. The Sheriff's real particular about security out there.

Well, one of these nights when you ain't on duty, you drop in out there.

My girls would love to show you a little appreciation.

Shoot, Miss Mona. You know I'm a married man!

Oh, Fred, you mean to tell me you don't think the cows don't appreciate the time off when a bull goes over to another pasture?

Miss Mona!

See you later, Miss Mona. Okay. Goodbye.

Damn it!

What's the matter?

You're in bed already. So?

So, I told you 100 times, watching you get undressed is the best part.

The best part?

Well, maybe not the best part, but in the top two.

Now, would I wanna disappoint my little honey?

Whoo! Ah. I'm glad I was late.

Me too! You just hold your horses. I got a surprise for you.

I went by the post office this morning.

I picked up a package. The very latest thing from Frederick's of Hollywood.

Yeah? Just a little something sexy I thought you might like.

What do you think? Little?

It don't look too little to me.

Well, it certainly ain't a trainin' bra, but I do believe I can fill it out.

I don't think you got any problem there.

I'll be back with more.

You know, Mona, I've known a lot of women in my life.

None of 'em has ever been exciting to me like you are.

Really? Even after all these years we've been meetin' like this?

I'll tell you something.

A year with you is like a minute of sheer happiness.

Well, now, that is just about the sweetest thing anybody ever said to me.

I know.

You know, honey, you bring out the... The romantic in me.


Whoo! You did that real fast.

Well, honey, I've had a lot of practice gettin' in and out of my clothes.

How do you like the outfit?

Hot damn.

Makes me feel real sexy.


Well, you don't look real sexy.

What do you mean? I look like I always look.

That's just it.

It's them damn droopy boxer drawers.

I just hate the looks of them things.

I've worn boxer shorts for years!

And they look like it.

These are a brand-new pair.

I don't know what you're talkin' about, "I don't look sexy."

People tell me I have a real sexy quality about me.

Well, you do, but them boxer shorts don't.

But when I was gettin' me some sexy things, I thought about you, because they have a his 'n' hers sexy department at Frederick's and I thought you might try that on for size.

What the hell is it, a Japanese slingshot?

No, it's jockey shorts with little silver snaps on the side.

Mmm. Little is the key word here. They are real little.

In fact, a guy could hurt himself wearin' those things.

I don't think so, thank you very much.

Ed Earl, I paid $20 for these, plus postage. And I want you to wear it.

Aw, you paid $20 for these?


Well, you got screwed.

Come on, Ed Earl!


If they look half as good on you as I think they're going to you ain't gonna have to wear 'em but a second.

Maybe less.

They're ridiculous. They're impossible.

They're sexy.

No, no, no!

Well, fine! Then I'm gettin' dressed and goin' home.

Well, fine! I'm goin' in the bathroom and... Put these on.

Be like puttin' two bowling balls in a marble bag.

Braggin', braggin', braggin'.

Well, I saw Dulcie Mae in town today.

Oh, yeah?

I guess you'll be goin' over there for Thanksgivin' dinner.

Don't I always?

You know, you better check that turkey of hers, because there's a hook in there that's gonna drag your ass to a wedding chapel.

No way.

I don't believe in matrimony. It screws up a relationship.

Amen to that, Ed Earl.


Oh, I'm always ready.

Well, hellfire. Ls that it?

How'd you like it?

I didn't hardly get to even see them!

That's all you're gonna see, 'cause I ain't gonna parade around like no model.

Aw, come on, Ed Earl. For me.

No! No.

Come on. One itsy-bitsy peek?

What are you doin'? Man!

Now, that's what the little silver snaps are for.

Work, don't they?

Just like a snap.

Come on over here and give me a little lip-lock.

Oop. Gotta brush my teeth.


You know how I am about my breath.

Oh, Ed Earl, I like a lot of things, but these afternoons with you have got to top the list.

Yeah? Well, sing it to me, honey.

♪ I like fancy, frilly things

♪ High-heel shoes and diamond rings

♪ Ragtime bands and Western swing

♪ And sneakin' around with you

♪ I like beer and rodeos

♪ Detective books and dominoes

♪ Football games and Cheerios

♪ Cheerios?

♪ And sneakin' around with you BOTH". ♪ Sneakin' around with you

♪ Goin' a round or two Doin' what lovers do

♪ Whenever they're sneakin' around

♪ I like lots of cash on hand

♪ And dirty jokes about the Fuller Brush man

♪ I like stuff I understand

♪ Like sneakin' around with you

♪ You know, I like a thrill that has no strings

♪ Friendship that don't ever change

♪ And laughter from the joy of things

♪ And sneakin' around with you

♪ Sneakin' around with you

♪ Goin' a round or two

♪ Doin' what lovers do

♪ Whenever they're sneakin' around

♪ Oh, ho! ♪

♪ Mmm, ah! I like drive-in picture shows

♪ Kissin' long and lovin' slow

♪ Secret places lovers go

♪ Whenever they're sneakin' around

♪ Whoo! I like the crazy things we try

♪ And the sexy things we fantasize

♪ Just a-makin' out in the broad daylight

♪ And sneakin' around with you

♪ Sneakin' around with you

♪ Keepin' it all brand new

♪ Gettin' the best of you

♪ Whenever we're sneakin around

♪ Sneakin' around That's all

♪ I'm gonna lay down the law

♪ Watchin' the rise and fall

♪ Of lovers sneakin' around

♪ We're just sneakin' around

♪ Oh, we're just

♪ Sneakin' ♪




Oh. Hold that position, hmm?

Don't move. Be right back.

This better be important.

Well, I think it is.

I saw your car parked from the highway and I figured your phone was out, because...

What are you wearin' that for?

Takin' a shower.

Oh, really?

I always take my shower in the mornin'.

I read in the Reader's Digest...

I don't care!

What do you want?

Oh, it's the mayor. He wants to speak to you.

Rit♪s been callin' all over the county for you.

He wants a meeting right away.

Can't it wait?

You mean till after your shower?

Mmm. You go to your radio.

Tell him I'll be there when I get there.

Nothing can be that important that it can't wait till this afternoon.

Right, Sheriff.

Nice man, but dumb.



Ain't that funny? All this time Miss Mona was at the back knockin' on the screen door.

She said she's in a real big hurry but just dropped by to give you this.

It's a Japanese slingshot.

Well, look at that! At last!

Okay, Rufus. What's on your mind?

Something that could have serious implications to the health of this town!

Tell him, C.J.! Just like you told me.

Well, Sheriff, I have this friend that works in a TV station down in Houston.

He tipped me off that Melvin P. Thorpe's plannin' an expose on the Chicken Ranch.


Melvin P. Thorpe!

He's that crazy consumer advocate.

Has a report on the late night news.

He's got a new show now, a half hour once a week, The Watchdog Report. It's on tonight.

The Chicken Ranch on TV. Now, come on, fellas.

Television is a family medium.

But he's a sensationalist, Ed Earl.

He shows up with his TV cameras every time a consumer has a complaint.

He's a menace to the business community.

He's that feller that put the peanuts back in the chocolate bar.


He made the makers of the Peanut Delight candy bar admit that they put less peanuts in each bar than they advertised.

He made them change their ways.

Sounds like a tough customer.

He's got a lot of influence out there.

If he brings cameras out to the Chicken Ranch...

Come on, Rufus! I'll make some phone calls.

I got a little influence around this state myself.

Well, it's no use talkin' to me about it, Sheriff!

Melvin P. Thorpe is now the biggest attraction at this station.

High ratings. Lots of letters. He doesn't listen to anybody.

Hell, he wants to go national!

Wants to be watchdog for the whole U.S. of A.

Love to help you, Ed Earl, but just like you don't want to mess with the Chicken Ranch, I don't wanna ruffle this old bird's feathers.

Here in Houston, he's becomin' a regular Texas attraction.

Well, now, wait a minute, Ed Earl.

I'd tread easy on this one. Them TV boys can be mighty powerful.

And mighty useful, if you get my meaning.

Senator, roll call.

Excuse me, Ed Earl. I gotta go.

It's that damn bilingual bullshit again.

Let me give you a word of advice from one elected official to another.

Be careful of the box.

Son of a bitch. What the hell's going on?

This goddam Melvin P. Thorpe's got the whole state bamboozled.

This is serious, Ed Earl. You gotta do something.

I intend to.

Deputy Fred. I want you to hold down the fort for a while.

Me? Yeah, you.

Where you goin'?

I'm goin' to Houston. I'm gonna take care of that little pecker wood myself.

This is it. Thank you.

Come in.

Mr Thorpe?

I know you.

You do?

Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd. They told me you were here. Come on in.

I hope I'm not...

Interrupting anything.

Oh, please! It's my pleasure, my honor.

What brings you here to Houston?

Sit down. Anywhere over here.

I, uh.... I'm gettin' dressed.

Sit down. I've got my TV show to do, and I'm runnin' a bit behind time.

It's your show I want to talk to you about, Mr Thorpe.

Oop. Melvin.


Please. You watch the show, Ed?

Last week Well... was the best ratin' we ever had.

The city planning commissioner was drivin' a city car...

Just hold that for me, will you?

While he was on vacation. Caught him dead to rights.

That pitiful putz. Would you just pull that up?

What? Just pull that up.

And we broke a 30 share.

It's affectin' my pieces on the late night news.

Up, up, up. They just love my little report.

I hear you're very popular.

The power of television, of public exposure, is so great it scares me.

I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him.

Which show did you like best, Ed?

I think the one about the...

Nuts in the chocolate bar.

That's one of my favorites.

"Threescore" means 60, like the Bible says.

So, if it says "60 nuts" on the wrapper, I wanna see 60 nuts inside.

And I'm talkin' full nuts. I'm not talkin' a half nut, or nut bits or nut chips.

I'm talkin' a full nut.

I can see that.

Thank God we still live in a society where anything that's phony or dishonest can't stand the light of day.

Sock. Beg your pardon?

Uh, sock.

Thank you. Yeah.

Most corporations involved in false advertisin' would just laugh at a $50 fine.

But you show up with your TV camera and give them a little bad publicity and they shape up faster than goose shit slides through a tin horn.

Well, Melvin, it's that bad publicity I want to talk to you about.

That could hurt people. You take that report you're doin' on the Chicken Ranch.

That place is older than rocks and water.

I wouldn't be surprised if your granddaddy took your daddy out there to learn about the birds and the bees.

I'm from New Jersey.

See, I moved to Houston six years ago.

Texas suits my style.

The point I'm tryin' to make is that every schoolboy in the state knows about it.

Most of the politicians have slept there.

And the mayor and the people of my county that voted for me, they want to keep things just the way they are.

Hmm. You know something, Sheriff, it just struck me.

We are in the same profession.

What's that?

Law enforcement.

I'm out there fightin' for the rights of the public, just like you.

Both of us are interested in protectin' the public.

You in the old way, and me in the new.

Uh-huh. The new?


I'm the electronic bounty hunter.

I use a camera, you use a gun.


Well, Melvin, everybody'd be happy if you'd just drop the whole thing.


I mean, those ladies out there, they perform a necessary function.

I mean, right or wrong...

Right or wrong don't interest me!

I'm no moralizer. I leave all that to the preacher.

Well, I'm glad.

Anyway, the mayor was thinkin' maybe you'd want a little unnecessary publicity.

Unnecessary publicity? He's got me all wrong!

I'm not one of those sensation mongers out to boost his own ego!


How do you like it?

It's different.

I designed this myself.

No, you tell your mayor he's got nothing to fear from me on that score.

He'll be happy to hear that.

I'm a lawman. That's my interest.

The law, right, partner?

20 seconds, Mr. Thorpe.

Oh, I'm on! Friend Ed, I gotta go.

That's my cue.

Come on!

Apres vous!

Come to think of it, I'd love to do an interview with you.

I don't think I'm the type.

Oh, nonsense! You're exactly what the public would like to see.

Really? We'll discuss it after the show.

I want you to be my guest.

This is the sponsor's booth.

Just go in there, make yourself comfortable.

Make yourself to home. See you later, partner.

Thank you.

DOGETTES". ♪ He's out on the prowl

♪ Guards and checks the best he can

♪ Watchdog is a fighting man

♪ Watchdog will throw his beam of light around

♪ If some folks don't toe the line

♪ Watchdog's light will shine

♪ Shine, shine, shine ♪ ANNOUNCER". And now, the Watchdog man himself.

The eyes and ears of Texas, Melvin P. Thorpe!

Thank you, fellow Texans, and welcome to The Watchdog Report, with yours truly, Melvin P. Thorpe, keepin' an eye on what's goin' on in this beautiful state of ours.

This week's spotlight will shine on a shameful situation that has been allowed to exist for close to a 100 years.

I'm talkin' about the Chicken Ranch, my friends.

The proprietor of this innocent-lookin' ranch house is a woman known only as Miss Mona.

And the man who turns his back on her illegal operation is Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd!

Did I say illegal? Yes, I did!

Now, I know that this is TV, so I'm gonna try to be as delicate as I can!

Here goes, and may God forgive me!

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it

♪ Lord, have mercy on our souls

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it

♪ Lord, have mercy on our souls

♪ I'll expose the facts Although it fills me with disgust

♪ Please excuse the filthy, dark details

♪ And carnal lust

♪ Filthy, dark details and carnal lust

♪ Dancin' goin' on inside it

♪ Don't you see they've gone plumb wild

♪ I inquired No one denied it

♪ Now I think I'm gettin' riled

♪ Bodies close together

♪ Arms and legs all rearranged

♪ And the Sheriff does not close it down

♪ That's very strange

♪ Does not close it down That's very strange

♪ Mean-eyed, juiced-up brilliantined honky-tonk cowboys

♪ Oh, no

♪ Mixin' with green-eyed, thin-lipped hard-as-nails peroxide blonds

♪ Oh, no

♪ Not to mention some types that you'd never guess would venture near

♪ Actin' all depraved and loose and wild 90 miles from here ♪ And now, our own Melvin P. Thorpe Singers.

DOGETTES". I Texas has a whorehouse in it ♪ Oh, my goodness, he's talkin' about us!

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it ♪ Suits me, Morn.

♪ I'll crusade ♪ Doreen! Get my heart pills!

♪ Loveless copulation goin' on Hot damn!

♪ And it must stop

♪ Loveless copulation Loveless copulation ♪ Loveless copulation?

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it God, have mercy on our souls

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it God, have mercy ♪ Ah!

Can you dig it?


♪ Loveless copulation going on ♪

Don't touch that dial! This is Melvin P. Thorpe sayin' I'll be back with new and revealin' information about this and other cases.

Watchdog never sleeps!

♪ And it must stop Watchdogs gonna get you

♪ Gonna shine his light on you

♪ Watchdog's gonna get you

♪ Gonna shine his light on you ♪

Damn. That man is crazier than a peach orchard sow.

Announcin' it straight out on TV.

So you been sayin'.

Everybody's talkin' about it.

Not that it's big news to anybody over three months of age.

But they heard it in their livin' room.

Sung. Sung to music.

And he actually called my name on television.

Worse than that. The son of a bitch called mine!

You know, Ed Earl, seems like ever since I can remember, folks been jumpin' on me for one reason or another.


But we're gonna beat this thing. I ain't worried about it.

You know why? Because I trust you.

Mmm. 'Cause you're my protector.

Do you know he wears a sock in his underwear?

A sock? Yeah.

All rolled up like a Jimmy Dean sausage.

Well, I bet he's runnin' for office.

That's typical of them crusadin' fanatics.

They flare up every few months.

They're always confusin' crime with sin.

People just get sick of hearin' it and pretty soon it just clears out of the air.

You're probably right.

Well, ain't I always?


What? You know what I was thinkin', Ed Earl?

Just how much I miss all the little stuff me and you used to do, like goin' up to the lake.

Wouldn't it be fun just to go up there, get a couple of six-packs and just get drunker than Cootie Brown?

Girl, that's the best idea you had all year. When we gonna do this?

Well, I'd like to do it tonight.

So would I.

Well, I wonder who that is.

Hey, Deputy Fred. Morning, girls!

How's your tallywacker hangin'?

Fine... Uh...


Hi, Sheriff. This better be important.

I think it is. That Melvin P. Thorpe is settin' up his television show right out in front of the courthouse!

In front of the... Courthouse!

He's gettin' some pictures for a piece on the late news tonight.

He's got a whole posse of TV cameramen. You better come take a look.

Right out in front of... Your office!

Son of a... Bitch.

I cannot believe that sucker!

You know, he even brought his own singers.

Wait'll I get my hands...

Go get him, Sheriff!

Come on, Deputy Fred!

Ed Earl, please don't go doin' something stupid you're gonna be sorry for!

Watch your temper.

Everything's gonna be fine, Mona.

Leave that little shithead to me.

Howdy again, good neighbors. Melvin P. Thorpe, the old Watchdog himself, shinin' a spotlight on Gilbert, the little town with the big shame.

Who's that fella in them trick britches?

I don't know, but it's too late in the year for a carnival.

One of them TV folks, looks like to me.

We're here at the Lanville County Courthouse to ask some of the local citizens how they feel about the infamous bordello runnin' wide open in their American home town.

Cut! All right, now, stay with me, boys.

And when I start the music, I want you Dogettes to start with me, brisk!

Good people of Gilbert, may I have your attention, please?

I would like to speak to you about a matter of great importance and concern.

Let's hear it, Melvin! Lay it on us.

I'm speakin' to you about nothin' less than your community's moral health!

I'm talkin' to you about official blindness, official corruption, official malfeasance.

He sure is wound up.

Yep. I'm just waitin' for Ed Earl to get here.

He's gonna kick that boy's ass.

It's no big secret.

You know what's goin' on in this town and what's goin' on is evil, immoral, brazen and against the law!

Hit it.

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it

♪ Lord, have mercy on our souls

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it

♪ Lord, have mercy on our souls

♪ Sin is running rampant like before the fall of Rome

♪ Someone is permittin' you-know-what

♪ And it must stop DOGETTES". ♪ Loveless copulation

♪ Stop that copulation

♪ Loveless copulation

♪ Stop that copulation

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it

♪ Lord, have mercy on our souls

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it

♪ Lord, have mercy on our souls

♪ Watchdog smells corruption and he'll fight it to the top ♪ Now, Sheriff, Sheriff. Keep a grip on yourself.

Don't get your back up!

Stop whimperin', Rufus.

Well, if it isn't the man himself.

Would you care to give me an interview now, Sheriff?

I'm gonna give you 30 seconds, you fancified fart.

Get you and your singin' chorus the hell out of town!

Now, wait a minute.

And get those cameras and the rest of that crap off the street.

You're blockin' traffic!

The only traffic we are blockin' is that headed out for the Chicken Ranch.

Right, Sheriff?

Little fat buddy, up to now you got two tickets.

One for paradin' without a license and the other for insultin' me.

Now, you better get that travellin' circus out of town or I'm gonna lock you up so fast your corset's gonna pop!

Oh, yeah? We're perfectly within the law.

As a newsman, I have First Amendment protection.

Get this.

The public has a right to know what is goin' on out there and what kind of pay-off you're acceptin' to protect that notorious house of ill repute.


First thing. First thing is you're standin' in Lanville County, which, by my figurin', is about a 100 miles west of that stink hole you call Houston.

So I can't see it's any of your business what goes on out here.

Oh, yeah? Please...

Number two. You ain't the law around here and I am.

So don't be tellin' me what my goddamn job is, or I'll whip your butt so bad it'll look like the stripes on a barber pole.

Get him, Sheriff.

May be mean, but he's ours!

Number three. No sawed-off little pecker is gonna accuse me of takin' a bribe and live to tell about it

'cause I wear the badge in this goddamn county.

So you listen and listen good, you over-padded, televisin' turd.

If I ever see you or any of those little bastards that work for you in my town again, I'm gonna knock you so flat you're gonna have to roll down your socks to shit!

That's tellin' him, Sheriff!

Oh, my goodness!

So get outta here, you goddamn, wig-wearin', citified son of a bitch!

Holy shit! Oh, my God, that man's crazy!

Oh! Ooh.

Move, you schmuck!

Move it! Come on!

Get outta here! Move this thing!

Come on, move this thing! I'll get you for this.

You son of a bitch! You'll pay for this.

You're in trouble, Sheriff! You're in big trouble!

So long, partner.

Boy, you sent him hightailin'. I was so proud of you!

Didn't I? Yeah.


Look at them stars.


Well, there ain't nothin' prettier than a Texas sky.

Ain't that the truth.

Hey, look! Did you see that shootin' star?


Yeah. That could've been a spaceship, you know.

You believe in spaceships?


I saw a picture once.

Them fellers that's supposed to be from up there.

Fly around. Uh-huh.

Tiny little fellers, bald-headed.

Little feet, little hands, got no peckers.

Got no peckers?

Well, I ain't interested.

I don't think my girls would be either.

When I was a little kid, I used to imagine a flyin' saucer swoopin' down and pickin' me up and takin' me off to heaven.

Like the angels.


"L looked, and behold, a whirlwind comin' out of the north.

"And out of the midst of the fire came the

"likeness of four living creatures."

What the hell you talkin' about?

Well, that's from the Bible.

That's what the Bible says about spaceships in Ezekiel.

Don't you know nothin' about the Bible?

Yeah, I know about the Bible!

I just don't know nothin' about no Ezekiel in the Bible.

I knew Ezekiel Peebles once in the eighth grade.

Think I busted his jaw.


Well, that was very Christian of you.

Well, most of my family was Baptist.

Well, I never stayed with one family long enough to become anything in particular.

But I read the Bible. I believe in Jesus.

I think Jesus was...

Was a real good man.

And he was a heck of a speaker.

Yep. I knew a woman once that had a vision of Jesus.

He came right in her house, set right down at the foot of her bed.


I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me.

I'll tell you something, honey.

If Jesus comes to your house, all hell's gonna break loose.

You got a point there, Ed Earl.

But you know, Jesus was really good to Mary Magdalene, the fallen woman.

He was always bein' very sociable.

He went to this big weddin' once and they ran out of wine.

You know what he did? Turned the water into wine.

Well, that's a man that knows how to throw a party.

Now, don't be sacrilegious.

I'm not. I'm not. He forgives me.

He knows I was kiddin'.

Yeah, I know he forgives you.

That's funny, now, how God can forgive you, and people can't. Now why is that?

Well, because people are not very God-like, Mona.

I know.

I know.


What is it?

Melvin P. Thorpe is a sorry son of a bitch.

You reckon he's gonna run for the legislature?


I never told anybody this, Mona, but...

I was thinkin' of runnin' for the legislature someday.

Are you serious, Ed Earl?


They say an honest man can't be elected in this country anymore.

But I don't believe that.

This is a good country.

I believe I could win.

Well, you got my vote. I might even go register.

Boy, I sure didn't know you had dreams that big.


People really do like you, though.

They like you, too.

Really? Sure.

You ask anybody in town about you.

Say, "How do you like Miss Mona?"

They say, "Shoot, she's a fine woman. Fine, friendly and nice."


Well, I always just thought if you see somebody without a smile, you give 'em yours.

I like that.

I like that.

Think I'll use that as my campaign slogan.

If you see somebody without a smile, give 'em yours.

I'm gonna have that printed up on a little card.

Oh, you're kiddin' me. You smart-ass.

I had a dream once.


I'll tell you if you won't laugh.

Oh, I won't laugh.

Well, I used to dream of bein' a ballerina.

Now, Ed Earl, I ain't tellin' you nothin'.

A ballerina?

Yes, a ballerina!

Well, I think that's wonderful.

And I think you still could be a ballerina if you wanted to be.

No, you could! Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Go into training right now. Just start jumpin' up and down.

Me? Jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes.

I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy.

I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now, without gettin' on my toes.

You know something?


You know that, uh, I don't see anybody but you anymore.

Course, now, you can't say the same, can you?

I haven't been to bed with another woman besides you in three years.

You didn't know that, did you?

No, I didn't know that.

Nothin' better, once you've had the best.

Hey, I like that.

Mmm. I thought you would.

Reckon if I was to run for the legislature, I could, uh, put that on my card?

Up next, Melvin P. Thorpe continues his expose of the Chicken Ranch with a violent demonstration in the Gilbert town square.

Great God from Goldsboro!

Oh. Yeah?

Ed Earl, you better turn on Channel 4.

That Melvin P. Thorpe idiot's got you on TV again.

Well, I don't give a shit, Rufus!

It's all very well to take that attitude, Ed Earl, but this is serious! Honey.

Put on the television. Channel 4.

That Melvin P. Thorpe is shootin' off his mouth again.

How could what he's sayin' be so goddamn important?

Calm down, Rufus! It can't be as bad as all that.

What happened to me as an individual is not important.

Is this the kind of man we want runnin' our law enforcement?

Is this the kind of foul-mouthed example we wanna set for our young, innocent children?

Run the film.

Number three. No sawed-off little is gonna accuse me of takin' a bribe and live to tell about it because I wear the badge in this county!

So you and you listen good! You!

If I ever see you or any of those that work for you in my town again, I'm gonna knock you so flat you're gonna!

Ed Earl, that man has made a fool out of you.

I've had calls from four preachers, six deacons, and the presidents of two garden clubs!

Thank you for callin'.

The phones have been ringin' like that all mornin' long. Sheriff's office.

I don't know why I let people talk me into serving as mayor of this incorporated sand trap anyway!

What in the heck is keepin' him?

He'll be along.

Well, he'd better!

My wife couldn't believe what she saw last night.

They bleeped him out, but she read his lips on every "hell," "goddamn," and "shit."

There's some folks gettin' up a petition to close the Chicken Ranch.

All we wanted to do was keep it quiet.

Now, thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since The Gong Show.

I'll tell him you called. Bye. Mornin', Sheriff.

Mornin', Rita. Here's your calls.

Reckon you fellas are waitin' to talk to me.

We sure are!

You don't know the trouble you caused on this Chicken Ranch business!

Dad-gum it, Ed Earl! If you ain't a pluperfect fool!

You may be right. I got over a dozen messages here from outraged citizens, tellin' me that we got a whorehouse in Lanville County.

Only been one here for about 150 years.

Ed Earl, now, you can set up speed traps to catch the tourists.

You can look the other way when the wrong kid swipes a car to go joyriding.

Hell, you can even let Miss Mona run her place out there!

But there's one thing you can't do and that's broadcast gutter talk on TV.

I didn't know they was takin' pictures.

What did you figure the cameras were for?

Damn it, C.J.! You pious pissant.

I don't have one-tenth the trouble from Miss Mon♪s that I have from you for one of your all-night stag parties over at the Legionnaire Hall.

That ain't fair, dang it!

There's just one thing to do.

And that's close the place down before we all go to hell in a hand basket.

Close it down! She was just fine as long as she was bringin' in the money and makin' civic contributions, but the moment her luck ran sour, you want to run out on her.

Run out on her like rats from a burnin' barn!

That's just it, Ed Earl. Who's gonna put out that fire?

Look, if you won't close her down, at least tell her to lay low for a couple of months!

Yeah, just until the heat wears off a little bit.

Give it two months. What's two months?

Nobody tells me how to run my goddam job, and nobody gives me advice!

I'll do things my own way. I'm gonna make up my own damn mind!

Two months. What's two months?

Shut down for two months!

That is a hell of a lot to ask somebody, Ed Earl.

And that's a hell of a lot of overhead to pay out when cash ain't comin' in.

What d'you think I ought to tell my girls?

Well, maybe it won't be two months.

The holidays are comin' up.

Maybe in a couple of weeks the whole thing will blow over and then you can let your regular customers...

I warned you yesterday about losin' your temper and carryin' on.

Last night you said you was proud of me.

Last night I wasn't on the 11:00 news!

Well, I didn't know that son of a bitch was gonna make an idiot out of me.

I don't know anything about that electronic bullshit!

How was I supposed to handle that situation?

That's your job, Ed Earl. Ain't that what they pay you for?

I know what my job is! Don't be tellin' me what my goddamn job is!

I could close this place down in a New York minute!

All I'm askin' for is for you to give me a little cooperation so I can get through a difficult situation with as little trouble as possible!

Okay, okay, okay! I'll shut it down.

You will?

What do you want, a written contract?

You promise?

Ed Earl, I am givin' you my word.

I'm sorry, Mona, about the whole situation.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast.

I know what I'm askin' you to do is gonna turn out to be the best thing for both of us.

Just trust me.

You know what burns my ass?


A flame about three feet high.

Of course I trust you, you big cowboy. Ain't I always?


No need to stop now.

Now get out of here.

Everything's gonna turn out just fine.

Don't you worry about a thing, honey.

Everything's gonna turn out slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor.

Well, if it ain't the celebrated cussin' sheriff of Lanville County.

How are you, Sheriff?

I'm fine. How are you, Porky?

Oh, Sheriff! I been real good all week. I've lost six pounds.

Oh, yeah? Well, don't take nothin' off them cheeks.

Oh, go on.


Well, Jewel, I just promised the sheriff that we're gonna shut down for two months.

What? How can you promise that?

What about the football game celebration tomorrow night?

I forgot all about that.

It's the Thanksgiving game, Miss Mona. And that's real special.

Well I know it's special, Jewel!

But I don't know what to do now.

I did promise.

You think if we just close the doors to the regular customers, just went on with the party as planned, that'd be all right?

I'm sure it will, honey. That party is a bigger tradition than the game.

65,000-plus on hand here at Kyle Field, and we have seen an amazing ball game.

Texas A&M heavily favored, but we're tied 12-12.

Aggies have the ball, second down at eight.

Time is winding down.

They try the middle of the Texas defense, and again, the Longhorns' break is stopped.

This University of Texas defense...



We string up the white first and after we see who wins, we put up the orange or the maroon.

Yes, m♪am.

I can't stand it if them Aggies win.

What do you mean?

They're such animals. Always yellin' and jumpin' about and sayin' "yee-haw!"

If they have to go for all the marbles, they will have to throw to the end zone right now.

Time running out. Miller rolls to the right. Pass! Touchdown!


Hell! That calls for a drink.

Talk about the part that emotion plays in a game like this!

Don't let your mother see you do that.

Well, who won?

The Aggies.

Aw, Shit.




Hey, boys!

All right! Hey, boys!

Boys, boys! That was the greatest victory since General Eisenhower won!

Senator, you ain't forgot you was gonna take us to the Chicken Ranch, did ya?

Yeah! How about it?

I always keep my campaign promises, hmm?

Yes, sir. The Chicken Ranch is a fine institution, and I'm proud to have it in my district.

And to hell with what Melvin P. Thorpe says!

I'll see all you seniors out at Miss Mon♪s.

♪ We're gonna whomp and stomp

♪ And we'll whoop it up

♪ Tonight

♪ Those little gals won't never ever

♪ Be the same

♪ They're gonna love it when we whomp and stomp

♪ And whoop it up All right

♪ It's even better than an Aggie football game ♪ Better than a football game?

♪ And then we're gonna show them all

♪ A thing or two

♪ We're gonna demonstrate

♪ Just what a champion can do Yee-haw!

♪ 75 miles until we get to heaven

♪ 75 miles until our plans are laid

♪ 75 miles until we get to the Chicken Ranch

♪ Where history and Aggie boys

♪ Get made ♪


Get out of the way!

Look it here! Watch this.



Yee-haw! Yee-haw!

Hey. All right! Hey, come on.

Atta boy!

Oh, yeah! Come on! All right!

All right!

♪ 22 miles until we get to heaven

♪ 22 miles until our plans are laid

♪ 22 miles until we get to the Chicken Ranch

♪ Where history and Aggie boys

♪ Get made ♪

What the hell happened?

Do we have to wear these ball gowns again?

Yes, you do, and I don't wanna hear any more bitchin' about it.

Miss Mona likes to create somethin' special for the boys.

It's like a graduation dance.

Yee-haw! Yee-haw! Yee-haw!

♪ One more mile until we get to heaven

♪ One more mile until our plans are laid

♪ One more mile until we get to the Chicken Ranch

♪ Where history and Aggie boys

♪ Get made ♪


Y'all come on in!

Oh, I'm so glad to see ya.


Hey, boys! I think you'll find it's a fittin' celebration for today's victory!


Howdy, boys!

Howdy, m♪am. I'm Senator Wingwood of the 19th District and the Aggie class of '49.

Mighty proud to meet you.

To meet me! Charlie, who you think you're talkin' to?

How's Mary Margaret and the kids?

Hell, Miss Mona, I didn't think you'd remember.

Remember? Did you remember to bring my check?

I got it right here.

Good. You know it's always a business doin' pleasure with you, Charlie.

You boys head on out back.

We've got a nice surprise for you.

Come on, boys!

Yoo-hoo! Boys!




♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it ♪


It's me, Deputy Fred!

Come on in, Fred!

Evenin', Sheriff.

Happy Thanksgiving. You want a drink?

Aw, no, thank you. That stuff always tears up my stomach.

I was readin' in the Reader's Digest...

What d'you want, Fred?

Oh, I was makin' my rounds around town, and I saw that Melvin P. Thorpe and a bunch of other fellers and they was all headed out towards the Chicken Ranch.

Melvin P. Thorpe. Uh-huh.

Goin' out to the Chicken Ranch, was he?


He's gonna be real disappointed!

See, there ain't nothin' goin' on out there.

Miss Mona promised me to close the place down for two months.

Ah! Well, she didn't. I was out there earlier this evenin'.

Those Aggies was just celebratin' to beat the band.

Oh, no.


Aw, Shit!


Shh. Quiet.

Shh. This may be the most important scoop of my television career.

Not now! Idiot boy.

Give me that. Now.

Good neighbors, we're about to enter the whorehouse itself.

Cut. Come on.

Stay with me. Come on. Come on, boys.

No! There's been a party here.

Watch your step.


Hold this.

And quiet.

Billy Joe, light switch.

Shh. Come on. No!


Henry. Lights. Light switch.

Watch me. You know what you gotta do.

Wait. Bingo.

Lights! Everybody up!

Let's go!

All right! Come along!

Oh, shit!

Jewel, what in hell is goin' on?

Call the Sheriff! It's that Melvin P. Thorpe sucker!

Oh! Ooh!

They're smokin' cocaine!

Take their picture!

All right, take this!

Take her picture! Thank you!


Excuse me, m♪am.

Y'all come back now, you hear?

Come on! Ooh. Look who's here.

Senator, the eyes of Texas are upon you.

Come on, boys! We gotta leave.

Thank you, m♪am.


Oh, ho, ho, ho! Miss Mona!

Melvin P. Thorpe. Gotcha!

Let's get to those vans! We're gonna make the mornin' news!

See you on TV!

Holy shit!

God almighty.

Damn it! You gave me your word!

You gave me your word and I took it!

Now, I'm the law!

The law! You wanna talk about the law!

A bunch of crazies break into my house tonight, comin' in here, takin' pictures, invadin' my privacy, and you wanna know what the law's gonna do about that?

I can tell you. Nothin'!

They'd have no reason to do nothin' if you'd done what you said you were gonna do!

I trusted you. That's what hurt. I trusted you!

Don't you talk to me about trust! I trusted you to protect me!

I made a mistake tonight, okay?

If that's your idea of an apology, it ain't worth armadillo crap.

Well, I ain't apologizin'!

I'm a business woman payin' out double taxes!

I expect a little protection for my money!

Where were you tonight? I couldn't get you on the phone...

I was home in bed, because you gave me your word you were closin' down.

Well, if Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace was here, none of this would have happened.

Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace couldn't hold my jock! You can't handle the job!

God damn it, Mona, you're makin' me mad!

Whoo! Listen at him cuss and shout. Just like on TV!

You're just a kid playin' at bein' a cowboy.

You ain't never gonna grow up!

You use me as your mistress.

You use that damn Dulcie Mae as your in-town wife.

And you even use that little boy of hers so you can play weekend daddy!

Leave that boy out of it!

You're playin', Ed Earl.

You're just a big, overgrown kid playin' at bein' a man!

I don't have to listen to this shit. Damn it! I'm the law.

If I choose to, I'll close this place down till hell freezes over.

Don't you threaten me. I'm tellin' the truth, and you know it!

And all of your big dreams of goin' to the legislature.

That's all they are. They're just dreams, 'cause you ain't never gonna be no more than you are right now.

A chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town.

You may be right.

It's a hell of a lot better than bein' a whore.

Legalized prostitution, pro or con, is in the news today.

For a report, here is Jeff Gerald in Gilbert, Texas.

The Chicken Ranch, the legendary, long-running bawdy house, is showing little activity after the disclosure yesterday of the Thanksgiving night raid.

Get away!

The deputy at the front gate keeps away onlookers and potential customers, while up at the house, the doors are closed and the principals are not talking.

The sheriff of Gilbert, Ed Earl Dodd, refused interviews, while in Houston, the man who launched the campaign, consumer advocate Melvin P. Thorpe, held a press conference this afternoon.

I have a report here that says that the Chicken Ranch is involved with and under the influence of organized crime.

I myself am gonna take this report to Austin in the hopes that the Governor himself will come out of his long silence on this issue and uphold the law.

And... Thank you. Thank you very much.

GERALD". At the capitol today, the Governor made no statement, but Senator Charles Wingwood, who was a principal figure in the Watchdog news raid, also held a press conference explaining his involvement.

I have no independent recollection of going to the Chicken Ranch.

And I can only say, as the most dedicated anticommunist in the state legislature, that I must have been drugged by communists or communist sympathizers and placed there to harm my reputation and good name.

Reaction across the state is split 50-50.

But here in the town of Gilbert, the Chicken Ranch has many supporters.

I ain't never seen anything bad come out of there yet, and I've lived here all my life.

Why, they attract a lot of business to the community.

They pay their taxes. Just like you and me!

No one. No one was ever forced to go up there.

My Frank, when he was alive, used to go up there every Saturday.

I took it as a blessin'. Of course, things were different then.

Nowadays women enjoy doin' that sort of thing themselves.

At least, so I've been told.

The Chicken Ranch? I think it's a good idea.

See, you take a lot of young boys and they're gonna be out there lookin' for women.

If they can't find 'em, they'll rape 'em.

And if they don't do that, they'll run to other women and get diseases!

Those girls went to doctors.

Although petitions are being circulated to save the Chicken Ranch, already this bumper sticker is beginning to appear around the state.

And so, as feminists line up behind the bill for the decriminalization of prostitution already in the legislature, while traditionalists and fundamentalists lobby for its defeat, the fate of the Chicken Ranch rests with the Governor, who today, again, was unavailable for comment.

Jeff Gerald, ABC News, Gilbert, Texas.

Thank you, Jeff. If there are further...

Well, I hate admitting I was wrong, Miss Mona.

But with television broadcasting this from hell to breakfast, we should've done what the sheriff said and kept this place closed.

It was my fault, Jewel. It was my decision.

He ain't gonna be able to stop it this time, is he?

No. He'd like to, but he's out of his league.

He don't know how to fight 'em.

He's just a good old boy that ain't never gonna grow up.

Honey, we see everything in this profession.

But one thing I ain't never seen, man nor woman, is a grown-up.

Don't be too hard on him. He loves you.

Well, he ain't never said it.

Some men can't say the words, honey.

But that don't mean they don't feel it in their heart.

Well, it's just as well anyhow, Jewel.

I set my course a long time ago and I can't go changin' now.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Seems like folks got nothin' else to talk about but this Chicken Ranch mess.

Like a broken record. Chicken Ranch, Chicken Ranch, Chicken Ranch!

And all of this bad publicity's flat ruinin' business.

I haven't sold a car in a week.

It's ruinin' the town.

No one's blamin' you, Ed Earl. It ain't your fault.

But we can't just sit around here waitin' to grow tits!

Now, now, the way I see it, the Chicken Ranch served a purpose once.

But now everything's openin' up.

Do you know we are in the middle of a worldwide sexual revolution?

Why, Miss Mon♪s ain't obscene. It's just obsolete.

She ain't got a handful of supporters left, Ed Earl.

All this publicity's makin' folks think twice about signin' that petition to keep her open!

Why the hell can't that station in Houston turn its cameras to the cesspool in their own backyard?

And how about Austin? Why, two blocks from the state capitol, you can have anything done to you for money that you can get in Tangier!

Well, there's naked massages, there's tongue baths, there's somebody ticklin' your ass with a feather.

If you know that for a fact, Mr. Newspaper Editor, it's your duty to expose it!

Well, now, you see here, C.J.!

I don't give a damn if folks want their ass tickled with a feather!

I kind of like to think that that's what heaven is all about.

Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector.

And I can tell when somebody's peein' on my boots and tellin' me it's a rainstorm.

Now, this thing's gotten way out of hand. I don't know how.

But I figure there's only one thing left to do.

Close it down!

No. I'm goin' to Austin.

See the Governor, tell him Miss Mon♪s side of the situation.

He sure as hell ain't gonna hear about it from anybody in this room.

You can't go up and see the Governor!

He don't see anybody!

He'll see me.

Feel like the country dog in the city.

If I stand still, they screw me.

If I run, they bite me in the ass.

I... I wish there was somethin' I could do.

Thank you.

They want me to close her down, run her out of town.

How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?

Ladies and gentlemen, His Excellency, the Governor of Texas.

My friends, I want to thank you for that sincere and heart-warming ovation.

No questions, please.

Governor, what do you think of the crisis in the Middle East?

I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly prayer breakfast in this historic capitol that it behooves both the Jews and the Arabs to settle their differences in a Christian manner.

But... Governor! Governor...

Have you seen the evidence of the disgraceful situation at the Chicken Ranch?

♪ Fellow Texans I am proudly

♪ Standing here to humbly say

♪ I assure you

♪ And I mean it

♪ Now, who says I don't speak out as plain as day

♪ And fellow Texans

♪ I'm for progress And the flag

♪ Long may it fly

♪ I'm a poor boy

♪ Come to greatness

♪ So it follows that I cannot tell a lie ♪ What the hell did he say?

The same as usual. Not a damn thing.

♪ Ooh, I love to dance a little sidestep

♪ Now they see me Now they don't

♪ I've come and gone

♪ And ooh I love to sweep around the wide step

♪ Cut a little swath and lead the people on ♪

Governor! Yeah.

Jerry Rogers of the Houston Post.

Hi, Jerry.

Governor, do you plan to take action against the Chicken Ranch?

♪ Now, my good friends

♪ It behooves me

♪ To be solemn and declare

♪ I'm for goodness and for profit

♪ And for living clean and saying daily prayer

♪ And now, my good friends You can sleep nights

♪ I'll continue to stand tall

♪ You can trust me

♪ For I promise

♪ I shall keep a watchful eye upon y'all ♪

Did you get any of that?

I hear him talking but he don't come in.

♪ Ooh, I love to dance a little sidestep

♪ Now they see me Now they don't

♪ I've come and gone

♪ And ooh I love to sweep around the wide step

♪ Cut a little swath and lead the people on ♪ There he is. Come on, boys.

Governor! Governor.

Melvin P. Thorpe. Watchdog News.

Why has the Chicken Ranch operation been so long ignored?

We seem to be havin' some acoustic problems in here.

Aren't you afraid of possible pay-offs and bribes?

Melvin, I'm sorry.

Enough of this pussy footin', Governor.

What do you intend to do about Miss Mona and the Chicken Ranch?

♪ Now, Miss Mona

♪ I don't know her

♪ Though I've heard the name

♪ Oh, yes

♪ But of course I have

♪ No close contact

♪ So what she is doin' I can only guess

♪ And now Miss Mona

♪ She's a blemish

♪ On the face of that good town

♪ I am takin' certain steps here

♪ Someone somewhere 's gonna have to close her down ♪

Can you believe that man?

Was that a yes or a no?

That's a possible maybe.

♪ Ooh, I love to dance a little sidestep

♪ Now they see me Now they don't

♪ I've come and gone

♪ And ooh I love to sweep around the wide step

♪ Cut a little swath and lead the people on

♪ Ooh, I love to dance a little sidestep

♪ Ooh, I love to sweep around the wide step

♪ Cut a little swath and lead the people

♪ On ♪

Governor? I have Sheriff Dodd from Gilbert waiting outside to see you.

He's been here since early this morning and is very insistent.

Swearin' Sheriff Dodd? The one on TV?

No, no, no, no... Hi, Sheriff!

Just talkin' about you. How are ya?

Governor. I know I'm way out of line comin' up here like this, but before you closed down the Chicken Ranch, I wanted you to know all the facts.

But I haven't made that decision yet! Good.

My aides are still workin' on that.

Well, the Chicken...

The Chicken Ranch has been in my county since before I was born.

Its doors have been open to soldiers and presidents and farmers.

Even governors who can remember what a great institution it is.

No need to bring that up, Sheriff.

I ain't threatenin' you, Governor.

Whatever you say, I'm gonna do.

But think of the people out there.

I've known Miss Mona for 12 years.

You're never gonna meet a finer woman.

She never refuses a charity. The whole town likes her.

Hospital fund, new swimmin' pool, even the Little Leaguers.

She bought 'em uniforms so they wouldn't have to play in their overalls.


I wasn't aware of her civic generosity.

But the law is the law!

Sometimes it's gotta be changed.

I been fightin' crime all my life, but let's not confuse crime with committin' a sin.

You can't legislate morality.

Those girls out there have never caused any trouble to anybody.

They're healthy, taxpayin', law-abidin' citizens who supply a demand and provide an economic asset to the community.

Whew. Ed Earl.

You ever think about runnin' for office? Huh? I swear.

You make that whorehouse sound like a damn nonprofit recreational facility.

Governor, if the citizens who elected me found it necessary for me to close it down, I would close it down.

If Miss Mona and the girls that work for her were jeopardizin' the health, wealth or moral scruples of the community, I would close it down.

If the place was just a piddlin' nuisance, an eyesore, a fire hazard, I would close it down!

But there's nothin'.

No reason except the goddam cries of a muckrakin' sensationalist on television.

Here they are, Governor. What you've been waitin' for.

Aha. I'm sorry, Ed Earl.

But the Chicken Ranch loses, 42 to 37, with 21 % undecided.

What is that?

The polls. You can't expect me to go against the polls.

This is what the people want.

Melvin still outside? Maybe I can catch the television cameras before they leave. Good seein' ya.

But it's not what my people want.

Shaw's over, Sheriff. Close it down!

Hooray! Aha!

♪ Melvin Thorpe has done it once again

♪ He's shone his light and now we see

♪ Melvin Thorpe will go through thick and thin

♪ And lead us on to victory ♪

♪ Ooh, I love to dance a little sidestep

♪ Now they see me Now they don't

♪ I've come and gone

♪ And ooh I love to sweep around the wide step

♪ Cut a little swath and lead the people on

♪ Melvin Thorpe has done it once again

♪ He's shone his light and now we see

♪ Melvin Thorpe will go through thick and thin

♪ And lead us on to victory

♪ Melvin Thorpe has done it once again

♪ He's shone his light and now we see ♪ I'd love to see that sheriff's face right now!

That Chicken Ranch is gonna get it in the neck!

And Miss Mona, she's gonna get hers, too.

I' For all to see ♪

♪ Melvin Thorpe will go through thick and thin He'll lead us all to

♪ Victory ♪

Sorry son of a bitch.


Mona, this is an official call.

As the Sheriff of Lanville County, it's my duty to tell you that...

Why don't you just get to the point, Sheriff?

I gotta close you down.

I see.

How long do we have?

Be better to do it as soon as possible.

I understand.


About the other night.

I lost my temper.

I said some things I shouldn't have said.

I want to apologize.

Oh, it's all right, Ed Earl.

I think we both said a whole lot of things we regret.

If there's ever anything I can do...

No, thank you. I think you've done all you could.

I have to tell my girls.

Well, the news has come.

Just got a call from the Sheriff, and we are closed down.

Immediately and permanently.

Oh. What'll we do?

Well, Las Vegas, here I come.

Damn! I thought when the Sheriff went up to Austin to speak to the Governor, we'd get a reprieve.

What did you say?

Didn't you know about that, Miss Mona?

He drove up last night.

The whole town's talkin' about the way he fought for you.

Didn't he tell you that?

No. No, he didn't.

♪ Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair

♪ Maybe I'll move somewhere

♪ Maybe I'll get a car

♪ Maybe I'll drive so far they'll all lose track

♪ Me, I'll bounce right back

♪ Maybe I'll sleep real late

♪ Maybe I'll lose some weight

♪ Maybe I'll clear my junk

♪ Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine

♪ Me, I'll be just fine and dandy

♪ Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas

♪ I'm barely getting through

♪ Tomorrow

♪ But still I won't let

♪ Sorrow bring me way down

♪ I'll be fine and dandy

♪ Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas

♪ I'm barely gettin' through

♪ Tomorrow

♪ But still I won't let sorrow bring me way down

♪ Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew

♪ Hey, maybe I'll just lie low

♪ Maybe I'll hit the bars

♪ Maybe I'll count the stars until the dawn

♪ Me, I will go on

♪ Maybe I'll settle down

♪ Maybe I'll just leave town

♪ Maybe I'll have some fun

♪ Maybe I'll meet someone and make him mine

♪ Me, I'll be just fine

♪ And dandy

♪ Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas

♪ I'm barely gettin ' through tomorrow

♪ But still I won't let sorrow bring me way down

♪ I'll be fine and dandy

♪ Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas

♪ I'm barely gettin ' through tomorrow

♪ But still I won't let

♪ Sorrow bring me way down

♪ I'll be fine and dandy

♪ Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas

♪ I'm barely gettin ' through tomorrow

♪ But still I won't let

♪ Sorrow bring me way down

♪ I'll be fine

♪ I'll be fine

♪ I'll be fine ♪

So the girls left and it was a sorry day for Lanville County.

It's kinda like the end of an era.

You know, like when you graduate from high school?

Things are just never the same again.

Ed Earl's up in the state legislature now, and I became the Sheriff.

I suppose you're wonderin' what happened to Miss Mona.

Well, Ed Earl drove up there on her last day.

Hey, Sheriff.

Good morning, Jewel.

I'm so pleased to see ya. I knew you couldn't let me leave without a sweet goodbye for your old Porky.

Goodbye, Jewel.

Goodbye, Sheriff.

I sure hope you come up north to visit Miss Mona and me.

Where is she?


See you're takin' the old juke with you.

You know I couldn't leave without my bell and my box.

Ed Earl?

This old place looks kinda funny, don't it?

Ben Sawtuck bought all my furniture and fixtures and Langston downtown is gonna sell the rest.

Mona, there's something I wanna tell you.

I want you to thank your boys for me.

Those sightseers and reporters would have got all out of hand if it hadn't been for your deputies down at the gate.

Mona, you know me better than that.

Ed Earl, I believe the thing for you to do is just to put this whole thing behind you just as quick as you can.

I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music.

It's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all.

Mona, we've been together a long time.

Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself.

So you know how hard this is for me to say.

I love you.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Ed Earl, I've loved you since I was 16-years-old.

But I've thought about this for a long time.

And as much as I'd love for it to work, I know deep down in my heart it ain't never gonna be.

Didn't you hear what I said?

I did, darlin'.

But it's gonna always be just like it is.

There just ain't no way in this world it can work.

We could make it work.

Just have to give it a chance.

♪ If I

♪ Should stay

♪ Well, I would only

♪ Be in your way

♪ And so I'll go

♪ And yet, I know

♪ That I'll think of you

♪ Each step of the way

♪ And I

♪ Will always

♪ Love you

♪ I will always

♪ Love you

♪ Bittersweet

♪ Memories

♪ I guess that's all I'll be takin' with me

♪ Good-bye

♪ Oh, please, don't cry

♪ 'Cause we both know that I'm not what you need

♪ But I

♪ Will always

♪ Love you

♪ I will always

♪ Love you ♪

I know you're gonna get your dream.

And I know you're gonna do a real good job in the legislature.

But if you was to marry me...

Wait, a second.

I love you.

I don't give a damn what people say.

Jewel! Hold it right there!

What's that, Sheriff?

Which one of them bags is hers?

That one.

And that one there, there...

on, Sheriff!

I always knew you'd come through!


FRED". Well, that's pretty darn close to the way it happened.

The old Watchdog, Melvin P. Thorpe, got what he wanted.

Miss Mona married Ed Earl and they got what they wanted.

And the people of Texas, well, they got what they wanted.

Another legend, the legend of the Chicken Ranch.

♪ It's just a little bitty pissant country place

♪ Nothin' much to see

♪ No drinkin' allowed We get a nice quiet crowd

♪ Plain as it can be

♪ It's just a piddly, squattin' old-time country place

♪ Nothin' too high-toned

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

♪ It's just a little bitty pissant country place

♪ Nothin' much to see

♪ No drinkin' allowed We get a nice quiet crowd

♪ Plain as it can be

♪ It's just a piddly, squattin' old-time country place

♪ Nothin' too high-toned

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ Just lots of goodwill and maybe one small thrill

♪ But there's nothin' dirty goin' on

♪ Nothin' dirty goin' on ♪ Y'all come back now, ya hear?