The Best Man (1999) Script

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) myvideolinks.net It's what you want, boy It's what you need, babe We got to give you more Of what you really want MALE RAPPER: It's a secret that's been Pent up inside for years Exclusive type Only for your eyes and ears You held it in for so long You burstin' into tears The letters spill slowly across the page like a world premier Well, all right, the bullshit begins here The obvious cause the effects is unclear The punishment for crimes of the heart could be severe Though to keep it on the low is a heavy cross to bear You deep now, submerged With no signs of air Still your sunken heart Thumpin' like the kick in the snare When on the surface It's all turnin' to a circus That's why you're nervous And you got a right to be WOMAN: It's what you want, boy It's what you need, babe We got to give you more MAN: Thanks a lot, man. CABBIE: You bet.

MAN: Cool. Take care. CABBIE: You, too.

MAN: Harp, how's it going, brother?

Robin, baby, I got some good news.

Try this. Tell me what you think.

Come on, girl. You know...

Grilled ginger shrimp with cranberry-orange-mango chutney.

Damn, that's good.

Yeah, man, 'tis good.

(SIGHS) Thanks for letting me use your kitchen.

That's cool.

I almost died when my stove broke.

No problem, baby.

But then I remembered what a loving boyfriend I have.

Uh-huh.

Sorry about the mess.

I have three jobs going on at once here.

It's so crazy.

So I see.

So, hey! What's the news?

What's the dealio?

Oh! Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Oprah Winfrey wants my new book, Unfinished Business, for her January Book of the Month Club show.

Harper, you're kidding. Uh-uh, I ain't kidding.

Oh, my God! Your first novel?

I was a little nervous when I heard that she wanted to read a preview copy.

But she read it and loved it.

When's the release date?

We go into print next month.

Oh, baby! I'm so happy for you.

I'm so happy for you! (LAUGHING)

That is so great. So great.

I'm on my way, girl. The callaloo.

(ROBIN MOANING)

I missed you. Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

I'm so glad you decided to come back to town before heading to New York.

Mmm. Yeah. Me, too, baby.

Oh, did I tell you about the 20-city book tour I got going?

I'm psyched. I gotta make sure my shit's on point, though.

Harper, come on.

"Harper, come on," what?

You never live enough for today.

For once, just enjoy the moment.

At least for a little while?

Robin, I got to stay focused.

All work and no play makes Harper a very dull boy.

Yeah, whatever, man.

"Yeah, whatever, man."

You're not feeling me, huh?

I felt you getting your freak on a couple minutes ago. That's what I felt.

Only with you.

That's what I like to hear.

Oh, girl.

I could be like this with you forever, Harper.

Hmm-mmm.

What?

Relax.

All I mean is that I love being with you.

You said yourself that I was the best girlfriend you ever had.

You've never been with somebody this long or had this much fun.

Face it. We fit together.

Yeah, but...

You love me, don't you?

Of course I do, but it's not that simple.

It is to me.

(SIGHS) Wow.

Dead silence.

Nice. Excuse me.

What's "Excuse me"? Wait.

No. I think I'll get some sleep.

Wait, Robin.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GROANS)

(IMITATES GUNSHOT)

(MAN CHATTERING ON RADIO)

HARPER: Honey, about last night. I didn't...

Harper, it's okay. I know you love me.

I do, you know.

I'm not insecure.

I just have doubts sometimes.

About what?

Like this wedding reunion with your friends.

I don't know what I'm really walking into.

Oh, baby! They are gonna love you.

Don't worry. They are gonna love you. You'll be fine.

Really? Yes, really.

Even Kendall?

I can't believe that you're jealous of a character that I wrote in my book.

Not just a character. An icon. An ideal.

Your soul mate. Jackson's soul mate.

She's nothing like me.

Honey, she's not like anybody.

She is a combination of a bunch of women that I knew in college.

Why would I lie to you about something like that, girl?

I don't know. That's what scares me.

Okay, here it is. Here is the drama.

Okay. See, I thought I had finally avoided it in this relationship.

I'm not perfect, Harper.

Could we stop talking about this, please?

I had to let you know how I feel.

Yeah. Are you still coming to the wedding?

Of course I am.

Nothing has changed about that.

I want you to have fun.

Hang out with your boys, reminisce.

I'll still be there on Sunday.

That's great. Fine. Good.

WOMAN: (OVER PA) Atlantic Airlines welcomes you to New York City's La Guardia Airport.

I'm coming!

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

Harper!

Murch! My man!

DOUG BANKS: (ON RADIO) Hey, New York.

It's the Doug Banks Show with DeDe McGuire.

Can you believe those Giants? Unbelievable! Lance Sullivan, my man!

DEDE: That man really is. He's fine. Big old chocolate thing...

DOUG: No, DeDe, he's a good football player.

DEDE: I know that. I'm a fan.

Right. All right, here's Lauryn Hill.

What do you say about that? So, they're fine. They're young, that's all.

And I had to take a gun away from one kid last week.

Oh, hell, no! A gun?

Damn it, Murch!

Didn't that firm you worked at last summer, did they not offer you a six-figure salary?

Yes, they did. So what's up?

I have to pass the bar first.

Whatever, man.

All right, listen, brother, all I'm saying is that if you're gonna be stressed, get paid for it, man.

(LAUGHING) Now you sound like Shelby.

Shelby.

Lockdown! (LAUGHING)

You are lucky I love you like an adopted brother.

I'm playing. She's cool. Shelby's cool.

You certainly didn't make her sound any kind of cool in your book.

Uh, I mean, not that I read your book.

You read my book? No.

How did you get ahold of my book?

I don't have your book, Harper. Jordan does.

Jordan has my book?

All right, camera two, I need a close-up on Dr. Gayle.

Zoom in slowly, slowly.

All right, great. Hold it right there.

Camera one, stand by for audience reaction.

Give me audience reaction, camera one.

Jordan Armstrong.

She's already running things, ain't she?

You should not be surprised.

MURCH: She's the only one more driven than you are.

(LAUGHS) That's all right.

When's the last time you saw Jordan?

Oh, last March, actually.

We didn't really have much time to hang, though, 'cause she had a deadline.

And I had to move...

What, nigger?

You, my brother, are withholding information.

(GROANS) Here we go.

You and Jordan got busy in undergrad, didn't you?

No, we didn't.

What about the book? What about the book? Jackson and Kendall.

That's you two. I know it!

They picked the prime opportunity to make grass sandwiches.

(LAUGHING)

"A passionate night of lovemaking so intense..."

I know my words. Embellishment sells books.

Oh, so, then what really happened?

Nothing. You are lying!

I know it.

Out with it. What?

Tell me. Tell me. Nothing.

(SIGHS)

HARPER: All right, it was senior year during finals.

The year-end issue was off to the printer and the staff had left for the night.

We both had studying to do, but we were mad tired.

Only Stevie Wonder was gonna help us that night.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Doo-doo-doo-do Mmm-mmm

(LIP-SYNCING)

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving

(LIP-SYNCING)

And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May Just as hate knows love's the cure, you can rest your mind assured That I'll be loving you always CHORUS: Until the rainbow burns the stars down in the sky Always Until the ocean covers every mountain high Always Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea Always Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream Did you know that true love asks for nothin'

Her acceptance Is the way we pay Did you know that life has given love a guarantee To last through forever and another day Just as time knew to move on since the beginning And the seasons know exactly when to change Just as kindness knows no shame, know through all your joy and pain That I'll be loving you always As today I know I'm living but tomorrow...

And you didn't tell any of us?

There really wasn't much to tell, really.

And, you know, you can't keep a secret.

What? What do you mean I can't keep a secret?

Were you supposed to tell me that you had my book? Or...

Just finish the story.

(SOUL MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Until the earth just for the sun denies itself I'll be loving you forever Until dear mother nature says her work is through Until the day that you are me And I am you

(SONG SKIPPING)

(CONTINUES SKIPPING)

HARPER: I guess, in retrospect, it was one of those moments you wish you could have back.

But at the time, it just wasn't right.

Wasn't right?

No. You two are ridiculous.

Why?

You forget. She was off to LA to do that internship I was headed straight to grad school.

In other words, the two control freaks couldn't lose control and get freaky, right?

Wow.

I almost forgot how corny you could be.

Almost.

I thought it was a pretty good play on words.

Um, it was kind of corny.

Okay.

Jordan, stop it. This is business.

This is your boy. This is strictly business.

It's all good. You don't have...

ANITA: Good job, Jordan.

Great. Thanks, Anita. I think it was good, but I think we could've...

Is that him?

Yes. Yes, indeed. That is Harper Stewart, Lance Sullivan's best man.

You sure we can't get a camera at that wedding? It could be huge.

I know. I've actually been working on that, but they're very adamant about it.

Keep trying.

Right.

You ready?

(SIGHS) Ready.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Here she is.

Hey. Harper Stewart.

Jordan Armstrong.

Harper, I've always enjoyed your writing.

But that book of yours? Wow, you nailed it.

And your girl here, talk about a fan.

She's got her nose in that preview copy every free moment she's got.

It's my job to keep up with what's current.

Of course you do.

Harper, can we get you on Teen Summit, or profile you on Tonight With Tavis?

Absolutely. Sure. I would like that.

ANITA: Great.

We'll even get Jordan to produce it. What do you think, J?

Absolutely. We've got the inside track.

(ALL LAUGHING)

This is gonna be fabulous. It was a pleasure meeting you both.

I've got to run. Take care, Harper.

All right. Bye-bye.

That's gonna be Jordan in a little while.

MURCH: She's well on her way.

True. True.

Come on, now. Give me love.

Yeah, of course.

Um...

Okay. Yeah. So, you know...

Like Anita was saying, we want to get you in the studio.

You know me. I'm all yours.

(CHUCKLES)

Right. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

Yeah. So, you guys ready to go?

All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Damn, this wedding shit, it never ends.

Who wants ham hocks? Lance's uncles.

And Mia's cousins have the nerve to be calling me, driving me nuts, asking me to hook them up with guys and shit.

You should introduce them to Quentin.

Oh, well, I did. Big mistake.

He's got the poor girls open.

Charming motherfucker.

That's what he's good at.

If they gave college credit for that, he'd have his PhD by now.

You know, Dr. Feel Good has your book.

Quentin has my book?


(APPLAUDING)

(CHEERING)

Go on, baby. Quentin Spivey!

(STRUMMING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Quentin Spivey from our nation's capital.

Wow, I'm gonna have to do a little story on him.

I'll be right back. All right, cool.

You want a drink? No.

What's wrong with you?

You talk too much.

See you later. Peace.

JORDAN: Why would you tell him everything?

So, Q, what's up with the guitar?

This? Just a little something to add to the repertoire.

You know a nigger got gifts.

The nigger's scatterbrained.

I had to pull some serious strings to get you that photography gig at the Post.

What happened?

Don't get all bent.

You know I read your book.

I heard. So?

So you got skills, Joe.

I ain't gonna front. You about to blow the fuck up.

Got me wanting to be a writer and shit.

See, man, that's what I'm talking about.

First it was photography. Then you got this little music thing going.

Back in January, you wanted to direct music videos.

Now you want to be a writer, man.

Don't sweat none of that shit, Joe.

Seriously though, that book is like that.

I still think you might have exaggerated a brother's character a little bit.

My mama not being around ain't got shit to do with how I treat these bitches.

How do you know it's you I'm talking about?

Oh, come on, now. Give a nigger some credit, all right?

I ain't stupid. I was a lot more focused than that when I was in school.

Quentin, you're still in school, brother.

But I'm saying...

Couldn't you have embellished a nigger a little bit?

Ain't that that buttery shit about being a writer?

You know, rewriting history?

Tailoring shit to fit your own little ideal self?

I know where you're going, so just chill with that.

The frontal lobe, shorty?

Hey, man, ain't nothing there. Just leave it be.

Look, all I'm saying is it brought back some wild memories.

You know, shit I ain't thought about in years.

Know what I'm saying?

Yeah, man. Where's the book now?

(WOMEN SQUEALING)

MAN: Running back!


Ah.

You know what? You play too much.

You're spilling all your stuff.

That was a great show. Thank you.

Can you imagine? Look at him.

HARPER: L-Boogie!

JORDAN: They love him in the Big Apple.

HARPER: You know they're talking Super Bowl, right?

MURCH: What are they now? 6 and 0?

QUENTIN: He's been carrying them all the way to the bye week.

CLUB MANAGER: We gotta move back here. I got you all set up back here.

I'm gonna go get the superstar. What you up to, man?

I'm not up to anything.

Still got your mama's jacket on.

Will you stop, you two?

(IN MOCK LISP) Excuse me. Mr. Lance Sullivan? Thank you.

Oh-ho, Harper, man! What's up? How you feeling?

I'm all right, man, but I am stressed.

You ought to be.

What are you doing planning a wedding in the middle of the season?

You got Dallas next week.

I wasn't even thinking.

It's what the little lady wanted. The little lady.

The best man is here. I'm gonna hook you up.

I'll get you over that broom if it kills me.

LANCE: Good to see you, man.

How are you?

Sorry I missed your show.

Congratulations again, big man.

You doing all right? Yes, sir.

Congratulations. Thanks.

SHELBY: Julian!

(LAUGHING)

MURCH: Hi, Shel.

Hello, honey.

Well, well, well. The gang's all here, back in effect.

Break out the '40s.

ALL: (LOW VOICE) Hey, Shelby.

It's nice to see all of you, too.

(GIGGLING)

Ah.

Harper Stewart.

Richard Wrong, Langston Snooze.

Hi, Shelby.

I heard about your book, and I don't think it's cute, Harper.

Listen, the next time you want to characterize me in one of your little projects, do me a favor.

What would that be, Shelby? Don't.

Julian, honey, drive me to Saks, would you?

I can't decide on what I should wear for the wedding.

I thought you were wearing...

No, no. I decided against that.

Um...

I thought I told you I had plans.

Plans? What kind of plans?

I told you I'm hanging out with the guys tonight.

Oh, honey, that can wait. You have all weekend for that.

This'll only take a few hours. Come on.

Um...

Oh. I see.

It's "Gang up on Shelby" day.

Fine.

If you'd rather be with them than me, that's fine.

(LAUGHING) Here it comes.

Am I being that unreasonable?

(GROANS)

No.

Honey, no. No, no. I'm sorry.

Murch, we'll catch up with you later, man.

Yeah, I'll see you guys later.

Baby, you're the best.

QUENTIN: She be giving him drama.

HARPER: Seven years of the same old shit.

JORDAN: She makes it hard for sisters.

HARPER: I know she gotta have a LoJack on him.

Harper!

I'm watching you.

HARPER: (WHISTLING) Damn, Lance.

That contract is fat, huh?

Obese, player.

Hey, now. Hey!

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)


Hey, mama.

Come here.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

How are you? I'm good. You look really great, girl.

So do you. Damn, baby, how can you tell?

You got the boy all hemmed up and shit.

Lance, shut up. Don't pay him any mind, Harper.

I won't.

I don't see why you love this fool so much.

He ain't shit. You ain't shit, dawg.

Aw, it's because he's a true friend.

And he dedicated his first novel to us.

Hmm, so you read my book, too.

No, but I heard great things.

Oh, that's good.

When's that girlfriend of yours coming? I can't wait to meet her.

You've been keeping this one under wraps.

HARPER: And for good reason.

Bringing her around y'all might taint her image of me.

She's coming on Sunday.

You're always so secretive, Harper.

Oh, no! Look at the size of this rock, girl!

I'm gonna go blind just looking at it.

She's got to do finger curls just to hold that mug up.

Stop it, y'all. Don't be jelly.

Nothing's too good for my little Mia.

I love you, baby. I love you, too.

Aw, damn. Would you cut it out with that Leave It To Beaver shit?

What happened, Mia? You called me earlier. What happened?

Oh, girl, the caterer's tripping, the florist screwed up the order and Mama still hasn't found a dress.

Girlfriend, don't worry about it. Superwoman is here.

All right. Let's go.

Y'all hurry. We ain't got all night. Got men stuff to do, right?

Lance, go away. Show Harper the rest of the house.

Come on, cat. All right, man.

MIA: It's great to see you, Harper.

You, too, sweetie.

LANCE: This is where we're gonna put the big screen with that DVD system.

(CHUCKLES)

HARPER: Yeah, front page, kid.

We were gonna use the one with you dragging those five dudes over the goal line, but we thought this told it all.

I'm surprised you took the holy road, bro.

You're not the most spiritual person I know.

You know I'm not into that mess. It's just about the story.

Someday you're gonna believe in my God, bro. Our God.

Whatever, man.

What's up?

You got to tell me, man. What happened in Pittsburgh?

Dawg, twins. Two sets. Shut up.

Oh, yes. They were waiting for me in the hotel room, right?

This agent sent them. They had these big-ass titties, like punching bags.

Four of them?

Four was nice. It was nice.

Praise the Lord and pass the panties.

Words to live by, dawg.

Harper?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt, but here are the ads.

And I even convinced Friday's to place one, provided that they get the one next to Lance Sullivan's photo.

You got Friday's. Cool. Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Mia.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, pardon me. I'm Mia Morgan.

The pleasure's all mine, baby.

How nice. But what is your name?

This is Lance Sullivan.

Oh, you're Lance Sullivan!

I apologize. I didn't recognize you.

You look much bigger on television.

Um, Harper, I gotta get to Econ, but I can take those deposits to the bank if you want.

Thank you, Mia.

Oh, that was a great game on Saturday.

Okay. So, you've seen me play.

I love the game.

She's seen me play.

I think that you'd get more yardage if you used your offensive line more.

And you would want to stop planting so hard on turf.

Your knees won't last through junior year if you keep that up.

Uh...

Just think about it.

Okay. See you. HARPER: Bye, Mia.

Uh-uh-uh. Who is that? Is that you, player?

No, man. We're just friends.

Word has it, she's saving it.

A virgin?

Yeah, man.

Really, man? You got to hook me!

Oh, hell, no. Oh, hell, yes.

She's a good girl. She comes to work on time, she's dependable. No.

Come on, Harper. She could be Mrs. Sullivan.

So could those four freaks from Pittsburgh with the saddle-back titties, bionic dick.

I got you. I got you. You gonna pay for that though.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

There you go.

We'll let the station buy us lunch tomorrow.

I'll pick you up around 11:00.

Splendid, Ms. Armstrong. That fits very well into my schedule.

I'll call to confirm.

So, what, a sister can't be professional?

(CHUCKLES) Here we go. I guess some things just never change.

Change is overrated, Harper.

All you had to do was ask me for a copy of my book.

What for? You wouldn't have given it to me.

True. But at least I would have known that you were interested.

Don't play yourself, Harper.

I want the exclusive, okay? You can save the sloppy seconds for Oprah.

If that's the case, how come you can't look at me in my face?

Harper, why'd you really leave your girl at home this weekend?

'Cause I wanted to hang out with the guys. You know, cut up with the boys before she came, that's all. It's been a while. You know?

(CHUCKLES) Mmm-hmm.

Good night, Harper.

Damn.

LANCE: (HONKING) Come on, Harp! Let's go!

I'm about to run a Boston on you niggers. Y'all about to be set.

Do you always have to talk trash? Come on. It's just a game.

That's what all punk-ass losers say.

Easy, Mojo, leave the boy alone.

"Mojo." I haven't heard that in a clip.

"Mo" to the "jo."

That's what I'll be putting on my ladies when I do my thing.

LANCE: Got them turned the hell out.

They be making breakfast for this fool, buying him jewelry.

Then they try to figure out why, 'cause they really hate his yellow ass.

Then he drops them like a bad habit.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hold up, man.

I know damn well you ain't talking about a nigger leaving a ho strung out.

Yeah, that is true, player. You are the serial monogamist.

What? Serial what?

Yes.

Nigger, you be having these girlfriends.

Better yet, these jive-ass public relationships.

Talking about, "This is my queen" and shit.

And the first moment that she steps out of your little boundary, she's gone.

LANCE: Dismissed with the quicks.

That's because none of them have ever measured up to Jordan.

Oh!

Excellent point, Counsel Murchison.

There it is right there. Sustained.

Get out of here! MURCH: You know that's true.

Jordan's the best girlfriend you never had.

Wait. Did you guys know that they kissed in undergrad?

Up in the newsroom. I remember that shit.

You knew about that?

Yeah, we knew about that shit.

Nigger, you know damn well you can't keep a secret.

That is so messed up.

LANCE: Come on, man. Is that the case there, bro?

You waiting for Jordan to slow down from that career path for the Harper Stewart rest stop?

You're tripping. Let's play the game.

I still can't believe you ain't never hit that.

Ah, me, neither.

Hey, y'all, I'm in a very fulfilling relationship, okay?

A virtually drama-free two years tomorrow. Okay?

That's right. She's a stand-up comic, right?

No, no. She makes jewelry.

No, she is a teacher.

She is a caterer, God damn it!

(ALL LAUGHING) For the last time.

It took her a while to find her creative niche. She found it. She's a caterer.

I can definitely relate to that one.

But she still don't sound like Jordan.

That's 'cause she ain't Jordan. She's Robin.

Man, I'm glad she ain't Jordan.

HARPER: Why you say that?

Jordan's too damn sassy and independent.

And she might make more cheese than you someday, bro.

Yeah? And?

I love Jordan. You know that, right?

But let's face it, dawg. A woman like that don't need no man.

She's one step from lesbian.

ALL: Ooh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

No, hold on. That's a nice thought.

All I'm saying is that the only way a relationship works is if the man provides the loot and the woman takes care of the home.

You're talking like you're from the Stone Age. You're a caveman.

Just admit it, man. MURCH: Isn't that ironic though?

Brothers are always talking about gold diggers, yet you can't take an educated sister who makes more money?

No, I can't.

QUENTIN: Murch, we know you don't care.

Your woman gonna run your ass regardless.

Bite it, Spivey. Okay? Bite it.

Grow it, Murchie.

(ALL LAUGHING)

When me and Mia get married, man, her only job's gonna be being my wife and raising our kids.

She's gonna be content with that? Are you kidding?

Mia's straight-up old school.

She can't wait to drop this mandingo's babies.

Consummate mother-whore.

Word is bond, dawg. Word is bond.

Every man wants one. Right.

HARPER: Let me ask you a question, man.

What's that?

What made you decide to just up and get married now?

'Cause you been dipping out on Mia, no offense, for a while.

And with the new contract... QUENTIN: Oh, yes.

You're gonna need a catcher's mitt to catch all that new pussy coming your way.

I done had all the ass 10 men can have. My wild oats are sown.

Besides, how much ass can one man have anyway?

ALL: A lot.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's just time.

Marriage is sacred. My folks have been together 35 years.

It means something to me.

I hear that.

Besides, marriage is gonna curb that appetite for more women.

In case y'all didn't know, marriage is the cure to promiscuity.

In what world? (ALL LAUGHING)

HARPER: I can't believe you said that, man.

God damn, Lance.

You would have never known that you graduated summa cum laude.

You say some dumb-ass shit.

Ah, there's a time for everything, players.

We're in the real world now, man.

The real world. Real things.

Bang.

I don't give a damn what y'all say.

Ain't nothing natural about no monogamy.

God did not intend for us to be with just one person.

If he had, he wouldn't have given us all this sperm.

These bitches would not outnumber us the way that they do.

Okay, okay.

Are you a philosophy major now?

He is a bullshit artist.

LANCE: Thank you.

MURCH: What, nigger? Fuck y'all, man.

Y'all know as well as I do, ain't nothing better than some pussy, except some new pussy.

LANCE: He's got a point there.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Plus, you can't trust these bitches anyway.

They just as scandalous as us niggers.

Oh, not all women, player. Not all women.

Oh, so, you don't think that Mia's ever got with other dudes?

I'm the first, the last and the only.

Really?

Really.

How do you know this?

'Cause the pussy curves to my dick. That's how I know.

Besides, I know my little angel, man.

You mean to tell me with all the sticking and moving that you've done, you don't think that Mia's ever tippy-toed out the door on you once?

No.

Quentin, just play.

If she did go out and get a little swerve on, don't you think she'd be well within her rights?

It's karma, baby.


Gotta take a piss.

Why did you have to do that?

Whose hand is it?

QUENTIN: Honestly, have you ever fooled around with a girl?

What do you mean? Yes, you have.

That night I met you, you was talking...

Hold on a second. What's up?

The book. I don't know, man. I'm talking.

Go on, man. It's in there.

QUENTIN: Yeah, I'm back.

You didn't mess around with a girl.

Ever mess around with two guys at once?

Not even in high school?

Phew. Here we go.

Yo! You best get your own copy, player.

I was just feeling a little overprotective of my stuff.

It's too late for that. I cannot wait to read this mug.

I know it's gonna be tight.

Well, you know...

Help yourself, man.

Look at you, man. You know you're blessed, right?

The Lord is smiling on you, bro.

Lance, dead that, man. I make it happen.

Not some heavenly being in the clouds possessing me.

Know what I'm saying? Me.

You're ignorant. You know that, dawg?

How do you think we're as fortunate as we are, man?

Any one of us. We could be poor, homeless, out on the street with nothing.

Lance, tuxedo fitting tomorrow?

Yeah, man. We gotta push it back till 5:00

'cause Mia's got a laundry list of things for this brother.

Actually that's cool, 'cause I'm supposed to link up with Jordan.

That's right. Jordan.

I saw how she was looking at you tonight, bro.

What, man? What did you see?

I saw that she wants to get with you, player.

Whatever, man.

Yeah. "Whatever, man." You'll be smacking bellies this weekend.

What happened to that talk about fidelity and putting an end to promiscuity?

Come on, man. I was talking about me. That don't apply to you.

Look here, man.

You got your girl, and y'all doing that relationship thing, and that's cool.

But, Harp, you my boy, right? My man, my ace!

Jordan is fine, dawg. So for once in your life go ahead on and be a dog, dawg.

I'm getting a headache. Oh, now you're getting a headache.

Later, man. All right.

All right, Murch, man.

Coming, dear.

Hmm, that's not the worst thing in the world.

They were gonna read it anyway, right?

HARPER: Yeah, yeah.

I just didn't think that they would take it so literally.

ROBIN: I'm sure it'll be fine, baby.

Hey. I'm glad you called me.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. It'll be okay.

Listen, did you figure out what you're gonna be wearing to the wedding?

Not yet.

How about that little beige number you got?

Strapless?

ROBIN: Harper, I know how to dress for a wedding.

It's under control. Okay. That's cool.

I'm not trying to... Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, look at the time.

I gotta get out of here. Okay. I love you.

What?

I said, "I love you."

Uh...

I gotta go. So, I'll see you, baby. Okay?

Morning.

Good morning.

I'm gonna be a second. I'm gonna be a second.

Chop-chop. Time is money.

Okay.

(SIGHS) Nice boxers.

I thought you were strictly a briefs man.

They were a gift from Robin.

The girl's got taste, huh?

(EXHALES)

HARPER: What about you? You got any social life going on?

No, not really. My professional and personal life, they cross over so much I don't know where to draw the line anymore.

But I'm fine with that, because sacrifice is the name of the game.

You can't let work consume you.

What?

Please, Harper. That doesn't even sound like you.

Maybe I'm maturing.

No. Maybe you're full of shit.

I know how badly you want that limelight. I see it.

I recognize it in myself. And besides, you made that painfully obvious in your depiction of Kendall.

I call it like I see it.

Then you must not see yourself too well, Jackson, because you are exactly the same.

Two peas in a pod, huh? Mmm-hmm.

You know, your girl, she must be real patient or real dumb.

Robin deals with it.

She understands that I had dreams in my life way before I had thoughts of her.

(SIGHS) She is starting to get that itch though.

Ooh.

The "M" word, huh? Yeah, yeah.

You got a problem with that?

I mean, yeah! Marriage, you know.

Moving in together.

The last person you ever have sex with. Ever.

That's pretty deep.

At least you're getting some on the regular.

What?

(LAUGHING) You ain't getting none? Jordan!

Listen, six months and counting.

And longer than that, if you're talking about good sex.

You know what they say, all work and no play makes...

Jordan a horny nut basket. (LAUGHING)

Okay. I'm gonna go with the pasta bowls with the serving utensils.

Okay. Thank you. Right?

Good choice.

Have you ever had Mia's shrimp scampi with the linguini?

(EXCLAIMS) Yes, it is a bomb.

She used to cook at the drop of a hat, and good stuff, too. Remember?

Oh, hell, yeah. Girlfriend can throw it out.

Oh, that she does.

Little Mia.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that girl's got talent.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong with you?

You scandalous dog.

Jordan.

Oh, Harper, don't walk away from me.

This whole thing, it makes perfect sense.

Do you take Visa? Yes, sir.

We just switched places.

Mia's Kacey, you're Jackson and I'm Kendall.

You're bugging the fuck out.

I'm Kendall.

Jackson sexes me crazy. Except you and I, we never actually had sex.

And all Kacey and Jackson do is sleep in the same bed together, like you and I used to do all the time.

The pressures of this wedding are getting to you.

Oh, my God! The forehead kiss. That is a dead giveaway.

What are you talking about, forehead kiss?

The forehead kiss!

It's endearing. Shit, it's damn near erotic!

You almost got me with it. It's...

It's bullshit, okay?

We're talking about fictitious accounts of experiences that I've gone through, friends that I've known.

Ooh!

What? Now what?

You actually dedicated that book to them?

Harper, are you crazy? Do you want to be found out?

Harper, that is sick! You're right, okay?

Because what you're suggesting to me is sick and ludicrous. Okay?

So take a step back, use your head and think.

If Lance finds out what went down, you better use your feet and run.

That's cute. First off, you need a sedative.

All right? Secondly, Lance has got a million important things to do to keep his mind from wandering on outlandish flights of fancy from my little book.

As a matter of fact, he won't have time to read it.

"White boys admired his prowess on the hardwood

"and his reputation with the ladies.

"They secretly deemed him 'The Ebony Humper."'

(LANCE LAUGHING)

This joint is hilarious, boy!

Whoo! Oh, man.

I'm gonna see you at the church.

I see you've been reading. Yeah, man, I've been reading.

That's funny. I figured you wouldn't have enough time.

Me neither, man. I had insomnia last night and, player, I am on edge, man.

Quentin's right. It's a page-turner like a mug, man.

(LAUGHING) Quentin said that?

Yeah. You know what?

It's a good thing you changed this dude to a hoop star, man.

I'll have to disassociate myself from this shit. This dude banged many ho's.

You know what?

I'm flattered, right, but was I really that bad?

Yeah, you were.

You're right. I can't deny it. Oh, man! (CHUCKLES)

LANCE: (BANGING ON DOOR) Harp, open up, man!

What's up, man? I need your help, man. I need your help.

I've called her, man. I haven't talked to her in a week.

I went by her house, she wasn't there.

Lance, Lance, Lance.

Okay, she's just upset. I know she's upset.

Especially when she found out about those honeys at the Cotton Bowl.

I know! I know! Damn it!

Lord, please forgive me and my wayward dick.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I got to make this right, Harp.

I cannot lose her over this foolishness, man.

I love her, and I am so sorry for what happened, man.

I'm sorry.

Then just say that, man. Say it. Tell her.

Just tell her, "I'm sorry."

Yeah.

Isaiah 1: 18?

Oh, Lance, man, you know I can't get down with the religion.

All right.

1: 18. 1: 18.

Okay. "'Come, let's talk this over,' says the Lord."

Ow, ow. My hand.

Uh. "No matter how deep the strain of your sins

"I can take it out and make you as clean as..."

"The freshly fallen snow." Yes, Lord, please take it away, Lord.

41: 13, Harp.

(EXCITED CHATTERING)

Quentin, look, I think if you just try to read some of it...

I'm reading right now. Quentin.

I'm reading. Quentin.

I'm reading, baby.

GIRL 1: Thank you so much. ALL: Bye. See you.

I know what you're gonna say, man.

They were throwing their panties at you Teddy Pendergrass style.

You better take notes, player.

You're gonna have to beat random honeys off with a stick soon.

Who, Harp? Hell, no.

Hell, yeah. Once he does Oprah, man, it's gonna be on.

Harp ain't gonna never have to work for the quality ass again.

Panties gonna drop without coercion, cuddling, caressing, or...

Or what?

Or kissing them on the forehead to get them moist.

What?

Harp be kissing the babes on the forehead. Panties drop with the quicks.

Is that true?

No, man. It doesn't work that way.

I never did it to get ass.

Bullshit, nigger. You ain't slick.

Yeah, nigger, you ain't slick.

MURCH: Another secret, huh, Harper?

Honeys love that sensitive, paternal tender stuff. Mia's the same way.

Oh, Mia, too, huh?

Here it is, right here.

I tried that shit one time. It didn't work for me.

I guess I ain't as authentic as old Harp here.

So? So, what?

"So, what?" Mia.

Jordan, good girls never tell.

Bitch, don't make me hurt you.

(CHUCKLES) What?

What we shared was as sweet and as endearing as a forehead kiss.

It was what I needed. It was what I wanted.

He was a gentleman and a friend.

And I will always love him for that.

(MIA HUMMING)

It's just tight.

That's cause bohos like you was never meant to wear fine European tuxedos.

Now, a handsome gentleman player like myself, I'm gonna pimp this baby right here.

You know, I have my own style.

Never mind.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLING)

What's up, dude? Mojo's on the prowl again, huh?

Yeah, see, you don't stop till the panties come tumbling down.

You know how many single honeys be at weddings?

There's about to be a "hoasis" in that baby, honey.

That's funny. If you put half the effort into your future as you do...

Nigger, I am a pimp.

So my future looks mighty bright, thank you very much.

That's cool. Everything straight for the bachelor party?

Oh, hell, yeah.

Pops gave me the key to the penthouse suite tonight.

I'm talking about this shit is about to be ignorant, off the hook.

Luke dancers.

That's cool. That's cool.

Is your pop still trying to groom you for the hotel management business?

Yeah, for the last 20 years.

I'm just trying not to hear none of that stuff.

Dealing with complaining-ass guests and unions and payrolls and all that.

Too much like a real job, huh?

Nigger, fuck you. All right?

You're my judge, right? That's your job. You judge me.

I'm only playing. No, nigger.

It's just amazing how you've always analyzed everybody else's shit and you don't do the same thing for your own self.

Will you chill? No, 'cause you've done dirt, too.

And you're doing more dirt.

QUENTIN: That's right. You're fucking Jordan tonight, remember?

Jordan.

You ain't no better than the rest of us. Got it?

Your shit just ain't caught you yet.

Everything okay here, fellas?

Cool as a fucking fan, cat.

Harp, what's going on?

Man, nothing. Just, you know, Q.

Oh.

Yeah, I know. You can't change that fool.

No. What you see is what you get.

At least he's honest, which is more than I can say for most brothers.

You look nice, man.

Thanks.

(EXHALES)

WOMAN: You are so bad.

QUENTIN: You got a nice smile. Here's my card.

Hey, Quentin.

May I use your phone?

Who you calling? Shelby.

Oh, hell, no.

Excuse me? I said no, man.

You can't be letting her know your every move. That's played.

Sometimes you are such an a-hole. Yeah, well, she's...

Don't you dare.

Oh, come on. You know you don't like the way she be carrying you.

None of us like it. It's time for you to just stand up, you know.

Grow some balls and be a man or something.

Look, all I'm trying to say is I don't want to see you walking around moping tonight.

It's a bachelor party. I want to see you have fun.

I want to see you get loose.

Get you a little... Rub you a little booty or something.

Then don't even go home to her.

Now you're talking crazy.

Trust me.

It works.

JORDAN: You are a family man.

The press loves you. They're gonna be dying to see this.

No, Jordan. Listen, this is not a media event. Okay?

It's our wedding day. Can you understand?

It's one camera... Jordan!

One. Jordan!

Okay, some things are just sacred, like between a man and a woman...

I'm sorry. You wouldn't know nothing about that, now would you?

Easy, you two.

My mind's made up. It ain't happening.

I'm sorry, Jordan. He's just stressed.

It's all...

MIA: Baby.

(EXHALES)

Hey. What?

Hey, you. (GIGGLING)

Come here.

You okay? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Everything's great.

Okay. Look at these two. Ain't they disgusting?

Yeah.

Um, listen, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.

WOMAN: Quentin, can I have a little time?

Yes, you can.

Ugh.

Why didn't you call me and tell me how the tuxedos fit?

Uh, Quentin's phone wasn't working, so...

You guys are wearing Boss, right? Yes.

You could not wear an American cut.

It does nothing for your frame. Shelby!

While we're on the subject, are you taking the job at the firm?

How was that on the subject?

Hugo Boss. Prestigious law firm.

Need I say more?

Um...

Shelby, I just don't know.

Okay, honey, you cannot keep babysitting these ghetto children forever.

You've got to get a real job.

I do not want to talk about this right now.

I am not going to talk about this right now.

Nice.

Why did you have to say anything to her at all?

Because I...

I was curious.

You were curious?

(LAUGHS)

That's cute. You were curious. Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

There's something else I want to tell you.

What? Just a little less dramatic, please, this time. For me.

I wanna make love to you tonight.

I, um...

I feel like our opportunity has presented itself again.

And I don't want us to miss out on it twice.

Look, I know that this is a bit much, but I was just hoping that you would say yes.

Wow. Um...

How do you expect me to react to something like this?

I know. I don't even really know what I expect right now, but...

I know what I want.

And what I need.

Let's just have our night and we'll see.

You know?

Um...

Robin is coming tomorrow.

You know, you don't have to...

To, um...

You don't have to decide right now. You...

Think about it.

Smack that ass! (CHUCKLING)

(GLASS CLINKING)

I'd like to thank you all for coming to share this time with us.

We are so overjoyed that so many of you have come from all over to be here this weekend.

I am so in love with this man.

ALL: Aw.

I wish I could take sole credit for being swept off my feet, but Lance certainly played a major part in that.

And that new contract didn't hurt, either.

No. Just kidding.

Yeah, right.

Seriously, none of this would be possible if it wasn't for our friend, our counselor, the best man, Harper Stewart.

(APPLAUDING)

We love you, Harper.

Love you.

(DOOR OPENS)

L-Boogie, what's up, baby?

You know, Harp, I've been thinking.

Listening to Mia just now, and reading your book, man, has really made me think, you know.

Yeah?

Yeah. I realized something.

I owe you a lot, man.

Mia's right. You kept us together, dawg.

(CHUCKLES)

Man, there ain't no need to...

No, you could have easily dogged me out to Mia, man.

I know how close you and your little sister are.

And I know that there were times you felt that I didn't deserve her.

Lance, who am I to judge?

Harp, you're everything, man. I just want to thank you.

And I promise you, I'm gonna make her happy. I'm gonna be faithful to her.

Well, good.

Man, I can't believe it. You are getting married.

You know, the ultimate step.

How do you... Harp, I have to, man.

I may be strong in mind and body, but emotionally I'm weak, dawg.

I need Mia in my life. She's the one who makes me whole.

She's my Earth. She's my queen.

Man, I am so far from that.

I mean, Robin is great, but is she the woman I'm supposed to grow old with?

Here I am. I'm just starting to come into my own.

And I'm just supposed to commit to her? Do I even know how to commit?

You committed to that book. Man, no. No.

Those were on my own terms. All right? I had sole control.

Lance, you don't understand. No, I do understand.

Let me tell you something. And I'm not afraid.

I made God a promise that if he ever gave me another chance with Mia, I would do right by her.

She has forgiven me for all my indiscretions, man. It's amazing.

So if she ever slept with somebody else...

What?

I'd just have to deal with it.

I wouldn't even question her about it.

All because of your faith in God?

Lance, I have to say something to you, man.

What's up, dawg?

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

UNCLE SKEETER: Damn! Who locked... Open the door!

Uncle Skeeter, what's happening, man?

Man, there are some fine gals in there.

Lord have mercy!

Why do you want to get married, boy?

Man, I'm getting married once. Okay?

I'm not gonna have five alimony payments like your broke ass.

I ain't too old to whip your butt, boy.

Did I ever tell you about Vietnam?

I'm gonna go eat, man.

I don't blame you. Get your grub on, man.

Uncle Skeeter.

Oh, yo, you! What was that you wanted to tell me, man?

Oh, nothing. Just congratulations.

Thanks. I love you, man.

LANCE: Look here, man. I don't want you talking, looking... Nothing with the women.

So, are you gonna come over after all that lap dancing and drinking and stuff?

Sorry. Um...

Yeah, I'm gonna call you when I get back to my crib.

Harper! Look, don't have me waiting all night, okay?

Because this is our night, and I feel it. And I know you feel it, too.

Jordan, girl, come on. I'm coming.

And I hope you wore those boxers I like.

You have no idea the amount of ignorant mess we're about to get into right now.

Lead the way, dawg.

(LAUGHING) He got the key. Don't you?

That's right, yeah. Good.

SHELBY: You don't care how I feel.

Of course I care.

Are you going to this juvenile bachelor party?

Of course I am. And it's not juvenile.

Come on. You know your "boys from the hood" would fit right in.

Shelby, you really need to stop talking about my kids like that.

You really need to stay with me tonight, Julian.

There's some unresolved issues between us, and I think we should tackle them now rather than give them time to fester.

I'm not gonna do that, Shelby.

What am I supposed to do, Julian?

While you're out doing God knows what with some low-class hoochie mamas?

That's not really my problem.

Oh.

It's not your problem?

All right, fine. Go.

Go to your stupid, little boys only, bachelor, "rauncherama" shindig.

I don't care. Just go.

Go!

All right.

Fine.

See you in the morning.

ALL: Murch! Murch! Murch!

Let's get our freak on!

(MEN LAUGHING)

(MEN CHATTERING)

(MEN WHOOPING)

(MEN WHISTLING)

Gentlemen.

Welcome to paradise. Have fun.

Come here, dawg. I gotta give you something.

Damn. What a view.

What's up, man?

In all the madness, I almost forgot.

Best man's gotta carry the rings and the vows. Right?

Check that out, dawg. 5K platinum.

It's nice, man. Gold is played.

Put that away for me. Yeah.

All right, dawg, let's get our drink on. Cool.

I gotta go drain the main vein.

Cool. Hurry up, all right? Catch up with you.


Let's get our drink on!

MURCH: You're being irrational. I know it's loud.

There's not one hoochie mama...

No, Shelby, there's not!

Shelby, don't hang up again.

What are you doing?

I'm in this... Just drink.

Hit me one more time.

So you about to do your thing tonight? Man.

LANCE: Go ahead on, be a dog, dawg.

To that fat-ass contract I just got.

And that phat-ass bride-to-be I got!

MAN: Money and phat-asses, all right!

Whoa! (DOOR BELL RINGING)

I like you.

It's on like popcorn!

(MEN WHISTLING) (MEN CHEERING)

We've got some high-paid niggers up in here tonight.

MAN 1: Let me be your cowboy, girl!

MAN 2: Let's get the party started.

Oh, wait, this my seat? All this for me?

MAN: Oh, it's all for you. They all zestily clean so get ready to do something fresh and exciting.

Is this the unlucky man?

The one they call L-Boogie?

That would be me, ladies. Yup, that's him.

LANCE: Murch! Wake up, Murch. You're missing a good show.

Whoa, whoa, whoo.

Ass soft as drugstore cotton.

Motherfucker going ape for that shit.

Oh!

You like this, Harp? Yeah!

MAN: Damn! I found this girl working in the post office licking stamps.

Come here, girl.

That's my girl!

Whoo! Damn.

(LAUGHING)

MAN 1: So little time, so much ass!

MAN 2: Chomp that chocolate ass, Lance.

They're really nice, but I have someone I want you to meet.

That is my best man, Mr. Harper Stewart.

Right here. WOMAN 1: Mr. Harper, are you ready for this?

Oh!

Bite that ass.

Who's next?

Oh, yeah, baby!

WOMAN 2: He's mine, girl.

Get that money, girl.

Ah!

MAN: The party's not over!

We got more for you.

Fandango, that's me, and Sweet Cheeks are about to bring you something luscious and sugary.

So allow me to introduce the flavor we call Candy!

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

Okay, she's with it.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

It's like candy I can feel it when you walk Even when you talk It takes over me You're so dandy I wanna know can you feel it, too

MAN: Watch out now, Wayne.

Oh, man!

LANCE: Good thing boy's got his shirt pulled out of his pants right now.

Oh, my God.

LANCE: Go get him, Candy!

Don't be scared, Murch! Calm down!

MAN: Bite it, Murch!

(LAUGHING)

Come on, daddy. Pump Candy.

Don't be afraid, Murch! Let it go, Murch! What's up, dawg?

Yo, Murch, we got Shelby on the phone for you.

Do you love me?

Oh, yeah, daddy. Candy loves you.

MAN: Shelby who?

LANCE: Go get him, girl. Man!

Oh, man. I'm jealous.

But what about your boy, Murch?

Grabbed the old girl like a 5-year-old grabs his mama.

Yeah. He overdid it tonight.

Why don't you order up some coffee and make him drink it?

I got your back, man. All right, man.

Candy, come on, girl! It's time to go get our eat on at IHOP.

I'm coming! Hold on. Would you hurry up? Damn!

I told you about hiring those college girls.

What? I told you to shut up, didn't I?

Sit your ass in the back... Girl, I'll bite it, as hungry as I am.

I don't mean to bother you. I really don't.

I just thought we had a connection back there, is all.

Look, baby, it just kind of goes with the job, you know.

Provide the fantasy. That's the business.

But I keep my personal life very separate.

Oh, right. You have to.

You have to. Uh...

Please forgive me. Your show was great. Thank you.

"'Cause if you didn't define yourself for yourself

"you'd be crunched into other people's fantasies of you

"and eaten alive."

What did you say?

It's just a quote I use to inspire my students.

Audre Lorde. I know.

Yeah.

Me?

No. You just don't go to sleep.

Yeah, I'm gonna wake your ass up.

All right, I'm coming.

Peace.

HARPER: "Kacey had cried a river

"on Jackson's shoulder that night.

"Not only were the rumored exploits of The Ebony Humper

"becoming too commonplace for her to handle, "but she'd also had her fill of false paternity suits

"and the groupies' crank phone calls.

"Sure, Brian meant the world to her, "but she wasn't gonna play the fool any longer.

"She wanted revenge.

"The sweetest payback for his random indiscretions

"would be a personal one of her own.

"But how could Jackson be a part of that?

"What did he have to gain from that

"other than the guilt of betraying

"the brotherhood that he shared with Brian?

"But he was responsible for bringing them together

"and thus accountable for her misery.

"Nevertheless, Jackson resisted temptation

(MOANING) "And ignored the desire screaming within."

L? I'm about to be out.

Oh, L.

L, I'm about to blow her back out!

(GRUNTING)

She don't even know.

She does not know. God.

Where's that book?

HARPER: "Kacey just wanted to be held, "and Jackson had to oblige her.

(MOANING)

"So they cuddled, "and though this boundary probably shouldn't have been crossed, "their bond was made stronger that night.

"He was there for her, and she was comforted.

(GRUNTING)

"As she slept in his arms, beautiful and angelic, "Jackson sealed the innocent evening

"with a kiss to her frontal lobe."

Book? Negative.

Smile, daddy, it's a bachelor party.

You fucked Mia!

Holy shit! Yo, yo, yo!

What the fuck you doing, man?

MAN: It's a fight!

(ALL SHOUTING)

What you doing, man? Shit! It's just a book! Chill, man.

No, no, no!

Watch out, watch out.

MAN: Man, you gonna hurt that kid.

"Kissed on the frontal lobe"? I know what that fucking shit means!

You're supposed to be my boy, motherfucker!

MAN: Get up, bro.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! What's the matter?

MURCH: Oh, my God!

Oh, that fool about to fall.

Oh, my God!

Oh, um...

Don't leave, okay?

I'll get you home. I'll pay for your time. Just don't leave.

You're reading too far...

I know how to read between the lines.

Oh, my God!

Now you want God, huh? Ain't that a bitch?

QUENTIN: Yo, L, baby.

Tell him. What you want, man?

Please.

You really gonna do this?

Hell, yeah, I'm gonna do this shit.

QUENTIN: No, you ain't.

You're gonna marry you a beautiful woman tomorrow.

A girl that loves you, that has only loved you.

HARPER: Oh, my God.

You ain't throwing all that away. Listen to him. He's right.

Listen to Q, Lance. Shut the fuck up!

Okay.

Listen, man. We know that Harper's a bitch-ass.

But this cat is your man, 100 grand.

He wouldn't do that to you, man.

Karma don't come back that strong.

He's right. Q wouldn't lie.

Even about you being a bitch-ass?

Especially about me being a bitch-ass. Especially that.

God don't want this, L.

He don't want this. Pull him up. Please.

QUENTIN: Pull him up.

(GRUNTS)


Damn.

The motherfucking wedding is off.

Get the fuck out of here.

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Please, please, Lance... Go to hell, man.

Go to fucking hell.

HARPER: Lance.

Lance.

Lance. (DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Harper, what happened?

Harp!

Damn!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Just a second.

Jordan, Jordan.

All right, girlfriend, get it together.

You are really destroying the groove up in here.

Sorry.

You look nice.

Gee, thanks.

(GROANING)

So Lance figured it out, didn't he? Yeah.

He figured it out, promptly beat my ass and called off the wedding.

What?

Yeah.

Was he serious?

I don't know. Well, he was drunk.

I don't know.

Do you want me to get you anything?

You've done enough.

You've done enough. You don't seem to understand something.

They would be in marital bliss by the time the book was supposed to have come out.

But thanks to you, "Miss I Want An Exclusive,"

I got my ass whupped.

I almost got thrown from a fucking building because of your ass.

So thank you, Jordan. Thank you!

And what the fuck is that smell?

Whoo!

You got some nerve, blaming me for your skeletons, mister.

Jordan... No, I'm not done, Harper.

You wrote the book.

You aired your dirty laundry.

No matter how hard you tried to disguise it, it was you!

You got me all fired up saying that my life was empty and that we could've been great together.

That was you, okay? Not me. You.

Okay.

(SIGHS) Okay. I'm sorry.

I know we're both a little emotional here.

I'm sorry.

We're peas in a pod, remember?

You know, maybe if I had the luxury of getting my ass whupped, I could be calm right now.

But I have been drinking tequila shots.

My hormones are raging out of control.

I'm emotional! I'm horny!

And I don't want to hear about no goddamn peas!

Fuck you! Good night!

How about that?

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Can we at least hold each other?

Ouch.

(GROANS)

(AIRPLANE DRONING)

WOMAN: (OVER PA) Welcome to New York La Guardia Airport.

Baggage claim and ground transportation are located on the lower level.

Morning! You look so handsome.

Don't worry. I'm not wearing this.

I just didn't want to get my dress wrinkled on the plane.

You think I can change at the church?

Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm cool. Come on, let's get going.

I sat next to the cutest little girl on the plane.

She was just talking my ear off.

And she sang me this song. I can't... (LAUGHS)

Harper, come on.

Harper, what's wrong with you?

What's wrong, baby?

Harper.

Um...

Oh.

It's okay.

Come on, baby. Come on, get up.

Tell me what happened. It's all right.

Did you sleep with her?

(CLEARS THROAT) No.

But you were going to. You wanted to.

(SIGHS)

I am so disappointed in you.

I know you feel like shit now, but I'm not gonna lie to you.

You compromised yourself, our relationship and Lance and Mia's.

I know.

(SIGHS)

I'm glad you told me.

At least now I know where I stand with you.

No, baby. You know that is not true. Don't!

I may not be perfect, but I'm strong.

(CHUCKLES) I hope you can make this right. The wedding starts soon.

How?

I've been looking all over for Lance, and I cannot find him.

And even if I was to find him, how am I supposed to convince him to get married?

I don't know. That's your bag. I have a plane to catch.

Wait, Robin. What are you doing?

Robin.

Robin. Get off me!

I need you!

I cannot do this alone.

Please don't leave me now.

(SIGHS)

Okay, I'll go with you.

I owe it to myself to see what's been holding you back from me all this time.

Thank you. You're welcome. Come on.

Oh, man.

Uh-oh.

QUENTIN: Handle your business, baby. Handle it.

Shelby, I have something...

Julian, before you say anything, I just want you to know that I forgive you.

You do? Yes.

I know now that you were just succumbing to that testosterone peer pressure.

You wanted to be with me last night and it ate you up that you couldn't.

It just made sense that you should continue to suffer and think about the jeopardy that you put our relationship through rather than let you have your way.

Shel, I have... We're out of time.

Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait until the reception.

You better get inside.

Oh.

Candace, I'm so glad you could make it!

You look great.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh. Uh...

Candace, this is Shelby.

Shelby, Candace.

It's nice to meet you. How are you doing?

I'm so sure.

So, um, shall I just sit anywhere?

Uh, sure, yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks, Julian.

No, thank you.

Who was that pop tart?

Shelby, it's over.

I am not the man for you and you are not the woman for me, so let's just stop fooling ourselves.

I hope you find what you're looking for, because that's exactly what I plan to do.

I have to go. Bye, Shelby.

Don't you think you ought to pick that up?

What?

Your bottom jaw. (LAUGHING)

Q. Oh, morning, Shelby.

Oh, go to hell!

I'll probably see you there.

Where's Lance?

Oh! I was just gonna ask you the same thing.

I'm sorry. Robin, Quentin.

How you doing? Hi.

Quentin, Robin.

Hi. You must be Robin. Hi. My pleasure.

This is Murch.

This idiot don't know where Lance is. What?

Uh, that's not good. Not good at all. What are we gonna do?

I don't know. MURCH: Something?

You're not helping.

You need to figure something out.

I'm under stress here.

(ALL ARGUING)

QUENTIN: It's your fault that all this stuff happened.

What have you been doing?

Lance. Lance! Hey!

I told you fools the wedding is off.

I just came to tell my parents face to face that I'm out.

You ain't doing that. Shut the fuck up.

That bullshit ain't working today.

Lance, brother. This isn't... Why are you even here, man?

You got nothing to say to me.

Yo, L.

He wouldn't even look at me.

Yeah, but you have to make him!

How am I gonna make him? How am I gonna make him?

I don't know. Divine intervention. I don't know!

Just get in there. Be creative.

Divine intervention.

Hey, you can do this.

You have to.

Go.

(SIGHS)

Lance, please, don't do this.

You don't wanna do this. You just need to breathe, relax.

Lance, hold on, man.

Will you hold up?

Please don't do this.

(THUD) Ooh.

Mama, Daddy, I got something I gotta tell you guys.

Wait! Lance, wait. I gotta tell you something.

Lance! Pray!

...for one second.

What'd you say?

(CLEARS THROAT) Pray.

You want me to beat you down again, man?

Pray with me, brother.

WEDDING COORDINATOR: What? What?

(MIA SOBBING)

What is it? What is it?

I should've worn my diamonds.

No, the pearls are perfect. You look beautiful.

MIA: Lord, did I order the right food? Yes.

Something's gonna go wrong.

Hi.

Oh.

Uh...

Hi, Mia.

I'm, uh...

I'm Robin, Harper's girlfriend.

Oh, Robin, yes! Hi!

How are you, my sister?

I'm fine, but are you all right?

Because you really look beautiful.

Oh, thank you. I'm fine.

(CRYING) I got jitters.

I mean, I know it sounds silly but if this day isn't perfect...

Mia!

Honey, I have something that I need to tell you.

And I think that you might want to sit down for this one. I'm not...

Jordan, what is it?

I know that sometimes I'm really nosy and I let my job consume me, and I don't think sometimes.

And I know that this whole thing is probably really my fault.

J, baby, you are scaring me.

Right. It's Lance.

The thing is...

He's running late, Mia.

I'm Robin. Nice to meet you.

Oh, hi. Yeah.

Running late? Great.

Uh, yeah. That's what I came in here to tell you, that he's just running a little late.

But he's here now. Right, Kendall?

I mean, Jordan.

He's here. We're just trying to make sure...

And he knows how important this day is for you.

Harper told me all about last night.

The boys got a little wild at the bachelor party.

Girl, please, spare me the details.

I'm sure that they were on their best behavior, Mia. I'm sure of it.

So we just have a little CP time for now.

Yeah. CP.

Okay.

But they'll wait for you.

Yeah, they'll wait for me. It's my day.

It's all good. (CHUCKLES)

What scripture, man?

How about Exodus 20: 14?

Exodus 20: 14. Cool.

"Thou shalt not...

"Thou shalt not commit adultery."

Damn.

What's he reading?

Look, man, I'm just trying to stop you from making a really big mistake.

By running up in my woman?

Is that what you want to hear?

I wanna hear the truth.

You don't want the...

All you want to hear is that you're an amazing running back, and that your wife-to-be is perfect.

When the truth is you could actually use some work on your lateral moves and your short yardage.

And a long, long, long time ago, Mia slept with your best man.

(GROANING)

I could've killed you last night.

You know that, right? I still could right now.

You could, man, but it wouldn't change anything.

I made a terrible, terrible mistake.

And I'm sorry, man.

I would give you my right arm... Fuck that.

You said yesterday, you said yourself that you would forgive her.

So you calling me a hypocrite now?

You're just not being realistic.

This isn't the Bible. This is the real world.

And Mia is as close to perfection as you're gonna get.

So I guess you got all the answers then, huh?

Everything is so fucking logical to you.

Lance, come on, man. You're in a church.

The answers are fucked wherever you are! You can't control me, Harper.

I'm not one of your little characters in one of your little stories, man!

You can't control this outcome, Harper.

You know why? Because you are not God.

That's reality, motherfucker! That's fucking reality.

Lance, listen to reason.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

(GROANS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I knew.

I always knew in the back of my mind that she had been with somebody else.

But never in a million lifetimes would I think that you...

That you was gonna be that self-serving, back-stabbing bastard.

You can hate me forever, man.

But not Mia.

She loves you so much.

Man, you're staring your ideal woman in the face.

You two were made for each other.

You two fit together.

She's my Earth.

She's my queen.

I know.

(WHISPERING)

Okay, I'm gonna go get your tux.

Wait a minute, Harp.

I'm a Christian so I have to forgive you, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Okay.

You better find a way to deal with your issues, too, man.

Writing is not gonna purge you completely, so I suggest that you acknowledge him, Harper.

Him who?

Oh, okay. Uh...

I feel you, but if I don't get you into this tux...

(CLEARS THROAT)

You said that you would get me over that broom no matter what.

Do you remember that? I remember.

Then don't back your monkey ass out on me right now.

You recognize his strength. You respect it.

Recognize. Ow, respect.

Okay.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Here I am Looking in the mirror An open face The pain erased Now the sky is clearer I can see the sun

Now that all is All is said and done

There you are Always strong when I need you You let me give And now I live Fearless and protected With the one I will love After all is All is said and done After all is All is said and done Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

The couple have written their own wedding vows that they will speak to each other, and in front of you, their family and dear friends.

(MOANS) (COUGHS)

PASTOR: Mia?

"Lance, my friend

"my love, my hero.

"Loving you is my heart's joy.

"It teaches me to be faithful to my personal truths.

"As I stand beside you this day, "I offer you the very heart of me

"filled with sacred love

"pure, unconditional and everlasting.

"For love bears all things, "endures all things and believes all things.

"Love never fails.

"And I do love you, Lance.

"Mind, body and soul."

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFS)

"Mia, "my darling, my love.

"As I stand here beside you this day, "know that there is nothing greater than love.

"For God is love.

"And having faith in you

"and belief in our love

"makes life worth living.

"And as I stare...

(LANCE SNIFFLING)

"As I stare upon your angelic face,

"I am made whole today, a man with a higher purpose.

"For a woman's virtue is a man's greatest glory.

"From this day forth, "we should love one another as God loves us."

The rings, please.

PASTOR: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Please, kiss your bride.

(GUESTS CHUCKLING)

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

(ORGAN PLAYING)

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

(GLASS CLINKING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Mia gave me too much credit for this union.

I have learned from them what it means to be truly committed to another person.

I have learned the importance of seizing the moment.

Because you can't go back.

You can never go back. You have to live for today.

Not for what was or could have been.

And what will be, no one can say.

But sometimes,

you just have to step out on faith.

And believe that what you have built together is worth preserving.

Because when you're made for each other as much

as these two are,

it's definitely, definitely worth preserving.

So to the bride and groom.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Lance and Mia, I love you.

And may God bless this union.

Cheers.

(ALL TOASTING)

Bravo, baby.

(ALL CHEERING)


WEDDING COORDINATOR: Okay, ladies, who's ready to catch the bouquet?

Single females on the floor. Let's go.

Mia, are you ready?

MIA: Okay, here we go.

(DRUM ROLL)

Oops.

WOMAN: Bitch.

Thanks, Mia.

WEDDING COORDINATOR: All right. You know what comes next.

Go get your girl.

Come on out, y'all.

Q, you know you want to. What?

Uncle Skeeter, you know you don't need to try and catch this garter, man.

Sit your butt down.

Let's see what happens. Just throw. You never know.

Whoa!

I did not!

I'm getting you.

(BAND PLAYING)


ALL: Ooh!

Cut it out.

Quit acting like you don't like it.

You like it.

Say you like it.

Stop it!

Don't let her get away. Don't let her get away, dawg.

Go get her, Q. Oh, that's scary.

I think we have to dance. Care to dance?

Yes, I'd love to.

Quentin better be careful before Shelby puts a hurting on him.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Dance with me?

You know...

I just want to talk to you.

Cut a rug with a war vet, darling?

Sure, Uncle Skeeter. Come on.

It's been one crazy-ass, emotional weekend, hasn't it?

Damn rollercoaster ride.

Um...

Listen, about last night, Jordan...

I don't want to hear about last night.

And if I hear you mention last night, I'm gonna call the Enquirer and tell them everything that I know.

So it's like that?

Okay, I hear you loud and clear, Ms. Armstrong. Thank you.

You're welcome.

(UNCLE SKEETER HUMMING)

(ROBIN GIGGLING)

Hmm, I saw you grabbing for that garter.

You know what?

I don't blame you.

She's a beautiful woman.

She's the one.

Just don't blow it.

I love you, Harper.

(SIGHS)

Excuse me, Robin, I don't mean to interrupt but Uncle Skeeter did promise me a dance.

And seeing that he's the only available man in the whole wedding party, I was just...

Come on, baby girl. You don't mind, do you, darling?

No, not at all.

Um, and besides, I think that best man over there needs you.

Come on now, Uncle Skeeter. Don't be trying to touch my booty.

No, no.

Hey.

Thank you for helping me today.

You're welcome.

Great speech.

I was, um...

I was moved.

You know, I meant every word.

Every word I said about preserving what we have and...

Harper, I don't think that this is the right time.

We have a lot to talk about and it's not gonna be solved overnight.

We have to figure out some...

You know what your problem is?

You don't live enough for today.

What?

For once, just live in the moment.

(SIGHS)

Uh, Harper, what are you doing?

At least for a little while.

Robin,

will you marry me?

I love you.

Please.

Yeah.

Whatever, man.

(APPLAUDING)


(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)


UNCLE SKEETER: Come and get it going on, y'all.

Five, six, seven, eight.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)


(ALL WHOOPING)


(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

WOMAN: Housekeeping.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

QUENTIN: Damn! I shouldn't have drank!

SHELBY: What did I do?

I ain't drinking no more liquor! (SHELBY WAILING)

QUENTIN: Oh, did you touch me?

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)