The Big Tease (1999) Script

[Camera takes picture]

When Martin Samuels decides to make a documentary about a Scottish artiste, you have to ask yourself, "who is this guy?

What's all the fuss about?"

Well, that guy is me.

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

I'm a hairdresser.

[Camera takes picture]

"Dear Mr. MacKenzie, "the executive committee

"of the world international hairdressing federation

"is delighted to inform you

"that you have been selected to participate

"in this year's platinum scissors competition

"in Los Angeles.

"For those invited..." Blah, Dee, blah, blah.

"On a personal note, "i look forward to meeting you

"upon your arrival in the United States.

"Sincerely, Monique geingold, president, w.H.I.F." It's w.H.I.F.

* my boy lollipop *

* you make my heart go giddyap *

* you are as sweet as candy *

* you're my sugar dandy *

* whoa, my boy lollipop *

* never, ever leave me *

* because it would grieve me *

* my heart told me so * good to see you. Hi.

Basically, this is where I work.

This is what I do all day.

Margaret, you look fantastic.

You're like a big, scary alien with your hat-- the pensioner from outer space.

* but I don't want you to know * this is a look I've been working on.

I call it New Zealand-- all black, you see?

[Cameraoh. takes picture]

Margaret?

It's a funny thing about that woman.

She comes in here every week.

You get a permanent on her head, and then she's off to the bathroom for a half an hour.

Samuels: how did you come by this nickname that you have?

Oh, well, they call me the red adair of hair, because if there's a problem, I'm the one they call in.

No. obviously, it's a different area of expertise from the other red adair.

I mean, I'd never use explosives to get the style i wanted.

I mean, this is hairdressing.

There are limits, right?

Samuels: what was that like, then? Someone who knew-- a born hairdresser growing up in a working-class district in Glasgow?

What was that like?

Let's have a look around a bit more.

This is, um--

Samuels: do you not want me to ask you about-- we'll talk about it later.Ok.

Um, so, um...

[Camera takes picture]

I want to cut it short, i want curls on the top, and I want to dye it red.

Rarely do we perform the full bluebell, but senga's is a very deserving case.

She hasn't quite been herself since the accident in the bakery.

It's going to look gorgeous.

You're going to look fabulous.

There.

Ta-da.

Oh, Crawford, you're a genius.

[Sighs] i know.

[Camera takes picture]

You can't dominate the Glasgow regionals for 5 years and then not get asked to L.A.

You know? I mean...

They're going to come.

Welcome to my wee office, or as I sometimes call it, my galleria del trofio.

And here we are, the grand fromage--

Sean Connery.

Which one's Sean Connery?

In the middle there.

[Imitates Sean connery] Actually, it has been said that my Sean Connery is indistinguishable from the real thing with your eyes shut, Mr. goldfinger.

Anyway, it was a glorious day at gleneagles, apart from Sean's little hair catastrophe.

Luckily, I was able to step in and help out.

Alas, you know, discretion forbids.

Right.

Which one's this? Who is this?

It's stig ludwigssen, winner of the platinum scissors for the last 3 years.

You simply can't go higher in the hair hierarchy.

Of course, stig ludwigssen's salon is in L.A., where hair can make you or break you.

How do you feel about him being singled out to compete against the greatest hairdressers in the world?

I think it is absolutely wonderful.

So there was a hint of genius even when he was-- oh, yes.

What channel is this for, mate?

Uh, it's a documentary for english tele-- what channel is it for?

It's a documentary for english television.

If you just, like, could stand over there, sir.

We're just shooting in this direction here, and it's very difficult for me to concentrate--

I think you should go and get a sweater on.

Hey, this is my garden.

You've always bored me, by the way.

What was he like as a child?

Very, very intelligent.

I called up mensa about him.

Mensa?

Yes.

And they suggested i get him a chess set.

And what do you think happened the very afternoon i brought it home?

I don't know.

He takes the little men and dresses them up in homemade hula skirts.

Oh.

And performed the bigger numbers from south pacific.

* Bali ha'i * both: * you special island *

* come to me *

* come to me * let me ask you about gareth.

Yeah. he's a nice boy, isn't he?

[Camera takes picture]

[Music playing]

Oh!

Ooh!

It's a documentary, yeah.

Come here.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much, airdrie. Thank you.

Wave.

Well done, well done.

Oh, look, I got you in a sticky mess.

Yeah. that's fine. I'm ok.

We're all very proud.

I'm his biggest fan.

What? he's got an underwater camera.

He's got an underwater-- he's so talented and sexy.

He's an excellent guy.

Yeah. isn't he, boys?

[Boys agree]

I'll tell you what.

I'd sleep with him.

You know he's gay, don't you?

No, he isnae.

If they want him out in California, it's probably for the best.

He'll be amongst his own kind out there.

Shark-infested waters.

Crawford, don't go to Hollywood.

Shut your face.

[Camera takes picture]

Crawford: I had a very settled life in Scotland.

I had my cats, my mother, my friend gareth.

And these people were the reason that I was getting on that plane.

Bless them.

You know, this was something i had to do-- not for me, but for Scotland.

[Camera takes picture]

I'm sorry.

That is lovely, mum. Thanks.

Is it the right size?

Hey, hey, hey, yankee doodle dandy.

Shut up. Shut up.

And the stars.

And with the stars and the stripes--it's lovely.

Oh, son, it's a wee bit wee on you.

I'll need to knit you another one.

Don't you dare knit another one.

It's fine. It's lovely. I love it.

Hey, listen. What?

Take your Billy doll.

It'll bring you thanks.Luck...

Not that you need luck.

Oh, shut up.

[Both speaking native language]

I'm sorry.

As they say in llandow, both: ciao for now.

[Both speaking native language]

Come on.

All right.

Bye.

Bye. bye.

Bye.

Bye. bye.

Bye.

Are you tired?

Yes...

But it's an international sort of tired, if you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah.

Crawford: i couldn't believe it.

I mean, seeing him right there at the airport, it was like an omen.

Not the omen, of course, but equally as scary in a different way.

God. oh, my god.

It's stig.

Stig, hi! Stig!

Hi! hi!

Coo, coo, coo.

Hey, hi. Hey, hi.

Hey. excuse me. Excuse me, miss.

Do you work for stig?

We're busy.

Charming.

Who was that?

Stig ludwigssen. Cheerio.

He's the one to beat.

[Camera takes picture]

Man on P.A.: The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.

Man: hey, you know you got to get them off.

I got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, you guys want a ride?

No, thanks. We're going to get a taxi.

No. forget those guys, man. They'll screw you.

You know, they don't even speak english.

They'll get you lost. I got it.

I got it, dude.

That's my stretch right there.

Your what?

My limo. My limo.

Stretch. classy, you know what I mean?

For god's sake, get a taxi.

Go and get a trolley. How much?

200 bucks.

No way.

Where you from, man?

Scotland.

75. 75 bucks.

50.

All right. Ok.

Driver: welcome, gentlemen.

Welcome to Los Angeles, baby. All right.

It's big, isn't it?

Oh, look at that-- Marina del Rey.

I knew a drag queen once called Marina del Rey.

She wasn't from here, though.

She was from wolverhampton.

She's a great dancer-- fat arse, though.

What kind of movie are you guys making?

It's a fly-on-the-wall documentary.

You guys want an idea for a movie?

I only make documentaries.

5 words-- teenage hasidic lizard basketball mutiny.

You know what I mean?

It's a slam dunk, man.

Big ufo that comes down--

"if you lose, you will become our slave."

They've already got Michael Jordan.

3:00 in the morning, my beeper's going off.

Beep beep. I'm, like, "st. eamonn here."

You know? "Who needs what?"

Back in the eighties, I was in a little rock and roll outfit.

* missin' my lady *

[imitates guitar solo]

On the road.

It's kind of a road song.

Samuels: I usually stay at the bel age, but this is supposed to be very good.

Hi, I'm Ronnie. Welcome to the century Plaza hotel.

Hi, Ronnie.

Thanks.

Hey, man. Hey, here's my head shot.

Just give me a call, you know, any time, and there's an 818 beeper number on the back.

It's probably going to change, but...

If you need a car, a chick, you know, a schooner, anything. Give me a call.

All right.

All right? I'm serious, man.

Give me a call.

You never know.

That's for you. Thank you.

We have you in a king-size suite, but your preferential group rate, it entitles you to an executive upgrade.

Oh. super-duper.

[Laughs]

Where is your accent from?

I'm from Glasgow.

Oh, I love the Beatles.

[Laughs]

I'm just going to need a credit card now, sir.

Ok.

Here. thanks.

Crawford: how much do you tip them?

Samuels: usually, you take the tax and double it.

What tax?

Just give him $5.00.

Oh, my god.

An upgrade.

It's got electric curtains.

Samuels: it's very nice.

It's fantastic.

Oh, my god.

Ronnie, that's for you. Thanks very much.

Look at that, Martin. It's fantastic.

It's fantastic!

A fourposter bed. My god, I've always wanted one.

You like this, don't you?

I love it. You know what?

I was born to this.

No, mum, it's the Clinton suite.

[Music playing]

No. president Clinton.

Well, why would a top Los Angeles hotel name a suite after b.B. Clinton of rangers?

I'm here right now.

I'm wearing a blue shirt and my tartan trousers-- the ones that are really tight.

I don't have to worry about who's paying for it.

W.h.i.f. are paying for it.

No corkscrew?

Not a problem.

Hello, room service?

Could you send up Ronnie with a corkscrew, please?

When the cat's away, the big Scottish hairdressing mouse will play.

* all the leaves are brown *

* all the leaves are brown *

* and the sky is gray *

* and the sky is gray *

* I've been for a walk *

* I've been for a walk *

* on a winter's day *

* on a winter's day *

* I'd be safe and warm *

* I'd be safe and warm *

* if I was in L.A. *

* if I was in L.A. *

[crack]

Aah!

Aah! aah!

Let's get that other one, ok?

I think the other one's-- aah!

Crawford: spectacular, isn't it?

I mean, when you look out at all those twinkling lights, and you realize that every one of them has a story...

There are people out there living, dying, laughing, making love, having their hair done.

It's just profound.

* all the trees are brown *

* all the trees are brown *

* and the sky is gray *

* the sky is gray *

* California-- *

* --alifornia dreaming *

* on such a winter's day *

* I'd be safe and-- *

* I'd be safe and warm *

* if I was in L.A. *

[camera takes picture]

Samuels: is the camera rolling?

[Yawns]

Good night, les.

Samuels: um, can we just do the curtains again, please?

No. I'm going to sleep. That's it.

Cut, Seamus.

[Camera takes picture]

Samuels: so, is this how you normally prepare for a competition?

Well, I wouldn't sit out by the pool in Scotland, but it's very similar.

You know, I like to get myself calm and focused and relaxed.

So it's not like being a violinist, where you practice, practice, practice?

No. it's about calmness and focus and Serenity.

Mr. MacKenzie.

Yes?

I am dunstan cactus, manager of the hotel.

You fellas don't need me on that thing.

Hi, mom. Ha ha ha!

I just wanted to let you know, sir, if there's anything in the hotel not to your liking, you call me instantly, all right?

We'll sit down in my office and talk it all out any time of the day or night.

I insist.

Great. thanks.

Enjoy your stay.

Ok. thank you very much.

Ha ha ha!

I know what-- let's do it right now.

Always room in my schedule for an honored guest.

What do you say? I insist.

Ok.

All right, sir.

Ok, great.

All right.

Seamus: hang on, hang on.

Oh, excuse me. Ha ha ha ha!

We've had many cameras in the hotel before.

I don't think there's enough light in here.

Seamus: the camera cable is stuck in the fucking door.

Hang on!

[Objects clatter]

All right, sir.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

Thanks. ha ha!

Have you got your passport on you?

Ah, sure. Yeah.

Oh, see? I knew it. That's what i-- because the accent...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's a Scottish-British passport.

You know, I always wondered--scot...Land, eng...land, ire...Land, and then just wales.

I love that. Just one nice, short country there, too.

It bespeaks a people with a sense of balance, to my mind.

And Scotland, if I may say, is the most beautiful country in the world.

You've been there?

No. no, no.

Ha ha! No, but over the years, friends have sent me postcards, and one builds up a picture in the mind's eye.

Uh, and it intensifies to the point where, frankly, I actually consider myself to be Scottish...

Though, of course, by mail.

Is there something wrong?

Why don't we have a drink?

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you except water, but, as you can see, I have a nice collection of that.

Oh, yeah.

Aqua java, avalon, evian, clearly Canadian, sparkletts, dannon, naya, eternal spring-- eternal spring? I wouldn't know whether to drink it or put it on my skin.

Very good, sir. Eternal spring, it is.

And one for your friend.

Thank you very much.

Don't be afraid of it, son.

Thank you.

[Both laugh]

Thank you.

Well, I love water. I used to love booze.

I used to be a bit of a moonshine Marty, I'm afraid, but...

Thanks to the grace of my higher power, whom I choose to call my lord and savior Jesus Christ, I haven't had a drink in over 5 days.

I am an alcoholic.

I'm not afraid to say that to them, by the way. Ha ha ha.

I used to think it was because my uncle inserted his index finger into my anus when I was kid, but...

That's all water under the bridge now.

All right, to business.

We have a teeny problem, and I think we can clear it up in a second.

You've maxed out your credit card.

We just need to get an imprint of another card.

Oh, there's a misunderstanding.

Please don't be embarrassed. This is really nothing.

It happens all the time.

We just have a number of charges, and we have to keep current.

It's for the meals, the massage, the, uh, maxi bar, in-room movies.

Men of San Francisco--

I don't think 3 times.You understand.

I've seen that one myself. It's not that I'm judging you.

I'm here as a competitor-- it's just that I need another credit card.

I hardly think the world hairdressing international federation would have one of their own competitors pay for their own hotel suite.

[Sighs]

Nevertheless, I'm going to have to ask you to live up to your fiscal responsibilities, and until that happens...

I'm going to have to hold onto this.

Uh, here at the century Plaza, we never like to alarm our guests.

We'll do it, but we don't like it.

[Camera takes picture]

Secretary: Monique, I have a Mr. MacKenzie here to see you.

Monique: ok. Tell him to wait.

I think this is her now.

Secretary: good morning. W.H.I.F.

Monique.

Hello. hi.

Thank god. The hotel doesn't have any record there as regards payment.

They don't know that you-- that w.H.I.F., I mean, are--are picking up the tab for the competitors.

Um, well, we are picking up the tab, but you're not one of the competitors.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Who are you?

Me? I'm Crawford.

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

You wrote to me personally, inviting me to be part of the hair-off.

Here.

Oh.

I--i did write this.

Um...

This is a form letter, however.

Each year, our computer picks 100 people at random off our associate membership list, and we invite them to come to L.A.

To the hair-off, but to be part of the audience on the big night.

Ahem.

So this is just, uh...

Well, if you see here at the bottom, it says that we've reserved you a hotel booking-- a courtesy hotel booking-- everyone--the whole lucky 100 gets it.

It's at the preferential group rate, so...

Monique, I'm from Scotland.

Great.

In Scotland, when someone invites you to a hair competition to participate, it usually means you'll be participating in that hair competition and not sitting in the back row of the stalls with 99 lucky new friends chewing on a fucking raisinette.

I'm sorry, and this...

This has been a dreadful misunderstanding.

No, no, it's fine. Really.

Honestly, it's ok.

I've come 7,000 miles to be part of a hair competition I'm not even in, but it's fine. It's really not a problem.

Let's go. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Look at this. $10 for a tin of cherry cola.

Where on this bill does it say that you have to pay for these things?

Right there, sir.

Where else does it say that you have to pay for it?

Where else on the bill does it say that?

[Camera takes picture]


Whoa!

Hey! watch it, you punk.

Killer ride, you fat bagel!

One of yours?

Mm-hmm. sorry.

Hey, baby.

How you doing?

How you doing?

Listen, I got...

Hey, mom!

Ha ha!

That woman's bald.

Yes.

Whoo! ah, you got a great deal, man.

Great. yeah.

How much is it?

Yeah, I got a double-occupancy thing.

Crawford: I think it was a wise choice, moving out of the last hotel.

It was way too flash.

Too much opulence is bad for my instrument.

Samuels: you don't feel this is a bit of a comedown for you?

No, not at all. I actually like it here.

I think it's a lot more cutesy.

You know, kind of charming.

I mean, look. Look at that.

It's sweet, isn't it?

That rococo kind of design.

And I think that's the difference between britain and America.

Even in the Demi-luxe category here, they make the effort.

Mind you, you're still not actually in the competition.

Of course I'm still in the competition, Martin.

There's been a tiny bureaucratic error.

It'll all be fine tomorrow morning.

[Chugging]

Jesus Christ.

This could be very dangerous.

It smells good.

[Coughing]

Maybe there's an air freshener in it.

Kind of like a potpourri inside or something to make the room smell nice.

I'll open the window anyway.

Can you do something about this?

[Camera takes picture]

Do you like spicy food?

This isn't that spicy.

Well, it is to me.

If you want hot food, I can take you down to Mexico.

That'd be great.

If we've got time, we should do that.

We should all go down.

Turn her over.

So, what did you get up to this morning?

I went down to koreatown, and I saw chokko-- you know, eamonn the limo driver's friend.

And, um...

He seemed like a nice guy and everything.

Although, uh, it was a horrible neighborhood.

I was really glad to get out.

Seemed a bit expensive just to rent a car.

Anyway, we're mobile.

Do you want a drink or something?

I don't think you were meant to eat them.

I think they're just garnish.

[High-pitched whining]

Nice ride, man.

Thank you.

I can see that you like it, but our friend eamonn really pulled the cat out of the box with this one.

I'd love to see their faces if I drove down sauciehall street in this.

It's quite big, isn't it?

It's a Doris day mobile.

The thing is, they drink petrol by the gallon.

So do half my friends in Glasgow.

So where are we going?

Monique's.

Do you really think that's a good idea?

Yeah. she is the organizer, and it's partially my fault.

I let my ego get in the way.

We're going to let bygones be bygones.

Anyway, she'll change her mind when she sees my portfolio.

[Camera takes picture]

It's amazing. Really, all of it.

This is just...

Thank you very much.

It's tremendous. I mean, i--i...

Thank you.

I apologize.

I understand now why you thought you may have been...

Really, there's no need. It was my fault.

I lost my temper. I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to put you in the best seat in the house.

Right here, between Daniel day-Lewis and carrot top.

Thank you very much, Monique, but I came to compete.

Right.

Ahem.

Um...

Crawford, with all due respect, these stylists are international stars.

Ok? 3 stylists compete every year.

The top hairdressers in Beverly Hills are not invited.

So, I do not know how else i can explain that.

Intercom: Monique.

I'm coming.

But I'm as good, if not better, than any of them.

You really don't understand, do you?

Tsk.

You mean it doesn't matter how good you are?

Look, of course it matters, but we don't even know who you are, ok?

And then it could take years before you were ever selected.

I want to enter anyway.

You can't just enter. You have to be invited.

Then invite me.

I can't. I don't know who you are.

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

Oy. look...

Even if I could just let you in, you're not even qualified to compete.

You're not even a member of the guild.

You're not even a member of h.A.G.

At the very least, all the stylists are members of the guild.

It's a competition requirement, ok?

Then I'll join.

I'm sorry.

Please.

Crawford: hairdressers of America guild.

Right. I need one day's work in a salon to get my h.A.G. Union card.

If I can't get a day's work here, I might as well hang up my crimping tongs and hobble off into the sunset.

* he don't *

* hang around *

* with the gang no more *

* he don't do the wild things that he did before *

* he used to act bad *

* he used to, but he quit * hi. hello.

Hi. I'd like to speak to stig, please.

Do you have an appointment?

Uh, no.

Would you like to make one?

I can fit you in Tuesday at 2:00.

You misunderstand. I'm a fellow stylist.

I'd like to speak to him personally.

I'm sorry.

You can't even speak to me without an appointment.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

What? you're ignoring me now because I don't have an appointment?

Ha ha. Hello!

Kimberly, let him in.

Thank you.

Welcome to valhenna.

What an honor to finally meet you, Mr. ludwigssen.

I'm sure it is.

I can't really believe it.

Believe it. I'm standing right here.

I've been a huge fan of yours since--

I don't have all bloody day.

Can we get on with the questions, please?

I've been using your salmon finishing rinse on my mother, and I've noticed, pre-drying, a slight air of burnt toast.

Is that normal, or am I misapplying?

Excuse me, excuse me.

You. ah, ok, wait. Come here.

Hello, my name's Martin Samuels.

I'm making a TV-- it's a film documentary about Crawford MacKenzie.

But--Crawford MacKenzie?

Who is Crawford MacKenzie?

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

You?

Yes. I'm a fellow stylist.

And I'm here representing Scotland in the platinum scissors competition.

Oh. really?

Actually, I wanted to have a word with you, because I've run into a bit of a technical snag.

I don't have a h.A.G. Card.

And i--you know, I need one for the competition.

Well, of course you do, yeah.

So, I need a day's work in a salon.

Just to smooth it over.

You know what? I would really love to help you...

Great.

But I'm not going to.

Lars.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Please.

I'm going. Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Prat.

It's the hairdressers' way.

He's anointed me, Martin.

He said, "Crawford MacKenzie, you can do it on your own."

Samuels: any luck?

I think they wanted me, but I couldn't work there.

There was a terrible smell in that place.

I don't know what it was.

I think they were making a curry out of someone's underpants in the back.

It was foul.

Fine, I'll go.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

No?

Racists.

Racists?

Racists.

He said to me, he said, "we didn't like braveheart, "we don't like whiskey, "and we don't like your accent, so please get out."

I don't know about you, man, but that sounds like racism to me.

Fair enough.

America, land of the free, huh?

Man: h.A.G.? Don't talk to me about h.A.G., those loser bastards.

They've forgotten what it's really all about.

Take a look at this.

Simple step cut with razor edging.

It's a classic. Exactly.

You think I could do anything like this in a salon in Beverly Hills?

No way, Joe-sá.

I understand.

How did you get into h.A.G. In the first place?

How do you think?

Celeb endorsements.

Exactly. celebrity endorsements.

Why don't you phone your friend Sean Connery?

You don't just phone Sean Connery.

His telephone number changes every 4 days for security reasons.

What I did do is I got in touch with people magazine, and they said they didn't have his number, either, but they could do the next best thing.

They put me in touch with his publicist.

You're always looking to dig the dirt, aren't you, Martin?

I think it's a problem with you.

[Camera takes picture]

Hello. hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'd like to speak to candy Harper, please.

Do you have an appointment?

No, but my name's Crawford MacKenzie.

I'm a friend of Sean Connery's.

You know Sean Connery?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

He's a client here, but I've never met him.

He was so rad in zardoz.

Yeah.

Uh, candy, there's a Crawford MacKenzie here to see you.

Is he on the list?

No, but he's a friend of Sean Connery's.

Does he have an appointment?

No.

Well?

I'm sorry. Candy can't possibly see you without an appointment.

Could you call and make one maybe?

I'm afraid not.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to go above your head, dear, but this is a Scottish matter.

You really think this brown shows really bad, huh?

Hi. hello. David Hasselhoff, I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

Hi.

You're a god in Scotland.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Excuse me. This is not a scheduled interview.

Who are you?

Why, you're the woman from the airport.

Are you candy Harper?

And who are you?

My name is Martin Samuels.

I'm making a documentary for British television.

David, this is a nice surprise, and may I say on a personal note, my niece just got her lifesaving certificate.

Terrific. let me wish her the best.

I was wondering, you know, when you're on the beach, the sun and the sea and the sand, it must play havoc with your hair.

What kind of products do you use?

Candy, I got to be going.

Um, the German tour. Ok, see you then.

Thank you very much, and hello to all my fans in Scotland.

What do you want?

Oh, I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, but I'm a friend of Sean Connery's.

I was wondering if you could put me in touch.

Mr. Connery is teeing off right now.

Well, I think he would be a bit annoyed if he knew I'd been here, and his representatives hadn't put me-- well, I'm sure he'll fire me.

Why don't you give gretle your number?

We'll get him in touch with you.

Look, it says here, and I quote...

"Sean Connery sees himself as an ambassador for scots all over the place."

Well, I'm Scottish, I'm all over the place, and I demand to see the ambassador.

Candy: gretle!

Sorry.

Fine, I'll go, but let me just say one thing.

I think that your behavior is indicative of the petty-minded bureaucratic stuff that Sean has been fighting against his whole life.

Pantene pro-v with a generic brand alkali conditioner, using a non-soluble finishing rinse.

Held in place with a flammable stiffener.

Are you mad?

How did you know?

A hair professional knows.

Wow.

Let me just say one thing.

If this level of abuse continues, in future, when you have your hair done, you won't necessarily have to be there.

I could help you, of course, but given the situation...

I'm not giving you his number.

3 words-- telly...

And...

Savalas.

Crawford: the problem with all the products you've been using is that they're all alcohol-based.

What difference does that make?

Well, in layman's terms, it means your hair is drunk.

You've got thousands of wee alcoholics growing out of your head.

That's why your hair's powerless and unmanageable.

It has to go into rehab.

First things first.

No, it's all right.

Kiwi volumizing reconstructor.

It's cpr for hair.

I'm surprised stig hasn't told you about it.

He doesn't do my hair.

That's obvious. I meant as a friend.

Well, I only met him the other day.

He was out doing a client's hair at the airport.

Why are you here?

I'm representing Scotland in the platinum scissors.

Oh, really?

Monique didn't tell me there was a Scottish competitor.

Oh, yeah.

So you don't really know Sean at all.

I do. I got him out of a jam once, and he owes me a favor.

What kind of a jam?

Loose lips sink ships. Stay still.

[Squirting]

Ooh.

Ooh, got a wee bit on my finger.

It's not leaking, is it?

It's not leaking yet. No.

Can you keep your head in one place for a minute?

That's what they all say. Pfff!

[Both laughing]

* I like Jerry springer *

* I'm a sexy swinger, yeah * done.

I was thinking of cutting it really short.

How long has it been?

What?

In my experience, women cut their hair really short for one of two reasons-- either they've gone through a nasty breakup with a man, or they're heavily involved in the world of ladies' golf.

I'm looking at you, and I'm not seeing much of a putter.

Oh, poor thing.

Really.

Crawford: ladies and gentlemen, may I present your employer-- miss Candice Margaret hilda Harper.

Woman: that's great. It looks fabulous.

I just love it.

[Camera takes picture]

Hello, Mr. Connery. It's Crawford MacKenzie.

Actually, i was a fan of yours long before we met.

I never really got a chance to properly compliment you on the subaquatic segments of never say never again.

What was it like working with Barbara carrera?

That sounds fine, honey.

Now just dial the number.

Hello, 007? It's the hair master.

[Laughs]

Samuels: are you concerned that Sean might not remember you?

Do you think i could have some privacy, please, Martin?

Come on. Just call him, man.

Come on.

All right, all right. Why don't you just go back?

Ok? hello.

Martin, why don't you just go back?

Go on, bugger off.

Why don't you go to the lap-dancing bar you were in last night?

Did you have your camera running then?

Cut. did you, eh?

Sean, it's Crawford. Sean, it's Crawford.

Sean, it's Crawford.

Hi, Sean. It's Crawford MacKenzie.

You probably don't remember me, but I was the one that steam cleaned your hairpiece at gleneagles when it blew off at the fourth green during the Benny hill pro-am.

Ha ha! Happy days.

Anyway, I was wondering if you could write a letter to h.A.G.

Telling them what a great hairdr-- thank you very much.

Samuels: have you got the Hollywood sign in?

Turn over.

Right, so it's just jogging and talking.

Crawford: ok.

Ahem. Sean was busy.

He's a busy man, but he did suggest maybe I would like to schmooze candy a little more.

Schmooze is an old yiddish word.

It means talking business and eating a snack at the same time.

I think lentl says it to one of his henchmen in Fiddler on a hot tin roof.

Anyway, the point being, I've arranged to have my first power lunch.

Oh, great. Yeah.

That's really good.

Did you get the Hollywood sign in?

[Thud]

Crawford: thanks for having lunch with me.

That's all right. I always have lunch-- sometimes several times a day.

Ha ha.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to talk to you was-- excuse me. Hi.

I'm very excited to tell you about our specials today.

As an appetizer, we have the pita knapsack of Haitian tribal cruditás.

As an entráe, we have the whole poached numidian hen.

That's pan-seared in its own juices and then flash-fried before being encased in its own filo kingdom and surrounded by a moat of luminous chive custard.

It's well worth the 15-minute wait.

We'll have 2 Caesar salads.

Excellent choice.

Anyway, the reason i wanted-- no. before you say a word, I have got to tell you something.

You really cheered me up the other day.

You are the first person i have met in a long time who I felt could be a real friend and not always be after something.

Jerry and I are going to give it another try.

Ohh.i really think it has a lot to do with this makeover that you gave me.

Mmm.

I really feel attractive again.

Well, you see, it's not just about the hair.

It's about the healing.

You are so right.

That's why Jerry and i are going to spend the weekend in Santa Barbara at a psychic friends tennis retreat.

Mmm.

Lovely. what's that?

It's a tennis retreat-- psychic friends weekend in Santa Barbara-- that Jerry and I are going to over the weekend.

Great. mmm.

Hey...

Candy.

Hey, Johnny.

Hey, fruit cup.

Stig.

Look at you.

My god, you look sensational.

Whoo! you're glowing.

Ha! who is laying you, huh?

You can tell me.

What is it, Hercules?

[All laugh]

God.

By the way, I want to thank you again for coming out to the airport to do Harrison's hair.

Eh. he was thrilled.

Well, of course he was.

Hey, Scottish.

From my salon, right?

Lovely to see you again.

Oh, that's the guy i was telling you-- look out, stig. He's going to give you a run for your money in the platinum scissors.

[Both laugh]

Yeah, sure.

He can't even get a job sweeping the floor in my salon for a h.A.G. Card.

Candy: stig.

Well--listen. hey, next month, it's loser's day.

Come back. I piss on your head.

Piss on your head.

There's a camera.

He is such an asshole.

Wait, wait, wait.

Breathe.

[Breathes deeply]

So let me get this straight.

You can't get into the platinum scissors without a h.A.G. Card?

No.so why didn't you just tell me?

I was going to, but then you said all that nice stuff about being your friend.

You are my friend.

I can get you the card.

Man: thank you.

It's my town, remember?

Come by my office by the end of the day.

I'll get you a job that'll make you h.A.G. Eligible.

Hey!

Hey, hold on!

Wait a minute!

Excuse me, this is my car.

What-- ok, ok. So...

You must be ming tai-pei.

Strange. you don't look like a 78-year-old Asian chef from koreatown.

I don't know who you're talking about.

This is my car. I rented it this morning.

Yes, he did. Shut it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

This car is a stolen vehicle, and you're under arrest, ming.

[Camera takes picture]

Where the hell were you?

Samuels: i posted bail, but they wouldn't let you out until this morning.

Creep.

Where's the car?

They wouldn't give me the bloody car!

They wouldn't make any bloody arrest, because of insufficient bloody evidence.

I'm lucky i wasn't deported.

Well, that's it.

I'm going to go down to koreatown.

I'm going to sort out this chokko character.

Koreatown? I'm not sure--

[tires squeal]

[Siren]

That is very dangerous.

[Camera takes picture]

[Dance music playing]

Chokko, it's Crawford MacKenzie.

I'd like to speak to you about the car.

Man: don't hang around here, áse!

Crawford: it wasn't your car to rent. Come on, chokko.

I don't think this is a very good idea.

We should--i think we should probably leave now.

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

[Gunfire]

Seamus: oh, god.

Aw, I've wet my trousers.

[Camera takes picture]

Samuels: so, you've come all this way, and now you're just going to give up the chance of a lifetime?

Yes.

Right.

Let me tell you something, Martin.

There are many things I'm willing to do for my art, but being attacked by a team of crack Korean marksmen is not one of them, ok?

Oh...

Man...

I am so sorry.

I, um...

Heard what happened with the car, and I just ran down here as soon as I heard.

I told that dude chokko--

I told him, "I'm never doing business with you again."

Oh, I'm so happy, eamonn.

I am so happy.

I'm happy to know that had I died, had I actually been shot to death, I would not have died in vain, because your business affairs would've been kept in order.

I'm just happy you're all right, bro.

I am not your brother.

[Car honks horn]

Candy: Crawford?

Crawford.

What?

Where the hell have you been?

Didn't you get my messages?

Sorry. I was being raped in prison.

You shouldn't be out enjoying yourself when you've got work to do.

I don't care.

I got you a job-- a runway show.

You've got to be there in an hour.

Candy, I'm going home.

Samuels: yeah, he is. Yeah.

This is a h.A.G. Job.

You do this, you get into the competition.

Now come on, come on.

But my car was impounded.

[Urinating] dude, no problem. I'll drive.

Damn right, you will, you big toe rag.

Candy, eamonn. Eamonn, candy. Come on, let's go.

Samuels: Christ.

Welcome to the kingdom of joy.

Oh. candy Harper for Betty fuego.

Did you pack your own bags today, sir?

Uh, yeah.

Bringing in any alcohol, knifes, handguns, drugs, cocaine, heroin, or any other opiates?

Excuse me. Hi.

Wearing gang colors back there, ma'am?

I'm candy Harper.

This is Crawford MacKenzie.

We're here for Betty fuego.

Ok, that's way too many names.

Harper. candy Harper.

Oh, yeah. Ok, got 3 walk-on passes.

Right. you're going to have to back this rig on up to lot "z" and walk it on in.

Eamonn: if we could just take-- back it up! Let's go.

Crawford?

Crawford MacKenzie?

Hi. candy, i am so sorry about the mix-up at the gate.

So I've been here for 4 years, and this is really my home away from home.

That's great. Where are my models?

Oh. um...

They like to be called actors.

It's a local convention.

Ok.

Ok. ok.

This is the dressing room.

Oh, hi, Betty. Hi, guys.

[Camera takes picture]

But candy said you'd be happy to do this-- that--that you wanted your h.A.G. Card.

This is ridiculous.

I'm a hairdresser. I'm not a vet.

Betty: then I'm just going to have to tell the actors that the show is canceled.

Hey, hey, hey.

Let go of your ego.

Just go out there and do your job.

I do hair. I don't do plumage.

I'm disappointed in you.

Do you know how many strings I had to pull to make this happen?

Pull strings? They're 4 mental method actors in animal costumes.

Listen to me. It cost me 300 bucks to get rid of the regular stylist.

Did it?

Yes.

Oh, hey, listen, everybody, just a little note from last performance.

Remember, during the foraging part, let's see some more detail on what food you're looking for, ok?

Reach inside your actor's toolbox.

Hey, I'm eamonn.

I'm Crawford's driver. Hey.

I just want you to go out there and kick some butt.

Man: stop with the hopping.

Man: I'm looking for my carrots.

It's a damn kids' show.

Oh, no, no.

[Hair dryer blowing]

Betty: we got a new agent coming today.

She's got a new agency in palm Springs.

I've been trying to get into the extras guild.

It's a pain, you know?

Once I'm finished with this, it's going to look like Elvis Presley.

A sort of woodland creature Elvis Presley, but it'll be Elvis Presley nonetheless.

[People chattering]

Would you stop with the hop-hopping already?

Bunny: I'm working. I'm working, all right?

I'm a bunny.

Animals, animals, a little peace in the kingdom, if you please.

Bear, bear, come on, hibernate.

Hibernate.

Now, look, I know we've only had a short time to pull this thing together, but I think we've done a bloody good job.

No, Crawford, you've done a bloody good job.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, thank you. Come here, come here.

Everyone, rub the back of the animal next to you.

Come on. Ahh. There you are.

Bunny: god...

Animals: Grant me the Serenity to accept the things i cannot change.

[Camera takes picture]

[Music playing]

Animals: * hey, kids, remember *

* there's a good touch and a bad touch *

* don't be chicken *

[clucks]

* to say no to drugs *

* no, no, no *

* a hip and a hop *

* oh, yeah *

* but I ain't no gangsta *

* a boom bay boom ba boom bay *

* doo ba da ba * thank you. That was fantastic.

It was the best show ever.

It was fabulous. You were great.

You were great.

Finalmente. Crawford MacKenzie-- member, h.A.G.

Samuels: but you're still not in the competition.

He will be.

Samuels: yes.

Eamonn, where's a good place to go dancing?

Depends what you want.

You ever been to club Spartacus?

I've been by it.

You ought to take him there.

[Honks horn]

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Ohh.

Ho ho.

Oh, you look amazing, man.

It's just a little something I threw together.

It's a sort of braveheart meets liberace, or si tu práfáres...

Bravace.

[Gasps] ohh!

I love it so much here.

My god, look at that.

I've never--there's nothing like this in Scotland.

I mean, just nothing like it.

The whole freedom of the place really just makes me feel so...

Jesus! oh, my--

[dance music playing]

* I must be dreaming *

* I must be dreaming *

* I must be dreaming *

* yeah, yeah *

[woman singing in Spanish]

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

I'm a hairdresser.

I'm a fellow stylist.

[Cheering]

* I must be dreaming *

* I must be dreaming *

[camera takes picture]

You are now licensed to style, weave, and cut in the state of California.

Mr. MacKenzie, congratulations.

Thank you.

The great thing about having a h.A.G. Card is it can get you into any hair event in the world, whether it's vidal sassoon's quick-rinse rodeo or stig ludwigssen talking about modern hair products.

Anyway, I couldn't wait to show Monique geingold my h.A.G. Card.

[Camera takes picture]

You see, the problem with the modern hair care products is that they are homogenized.

They're pasteurized. They're fried.

They're shaked. They're baked.

They're not real.

But at valhenna, we are already in the 21st century.

We're going back to nature.

We say to nature, "hello, nature.

"Look, we're sorry about the ozone layer, "but could we please borrow a few fish to make our ladies beautiful again?"

You see it? It goes quickly, right?

It's a fluke.

Used to swim like this, now it swims like this.

We have it reduced here into a paste.

It's a special dandelion and a kind of a juju muck paste.

We took this whole fish, and we put it into a bottle.

And then we gently massage it right into the scalp.

Ok. thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um, and then I did a documentary about the prawn fishing in the Philippines, which was, I mean... Mmm.

It's staggering, the level of poverty that they live at, and I'd love you to see it.

So, was it good for you?

Brilliant.

Always.

What, what, what? Behave.

Behave? I can't behave. I never had parents.

I'm at work.

Hi, Monique. Hi.

Hi. hi.

Ta-da.

Congratulations. thanks.

That's great.

So?

So...

So, what?

So now he can be in the hair-off.

Candy.

Crawford, I can't let you in the hair-off just because you got your h.A.G. Card.

You told me I could get in the hair-off if I got my h.A.G. Card.

No, I did not.

Darling, it's much more than a h.A.G. Thing.

I'm sorry.

Listen, I respect you as an artist, ok?

I do, and...

And I love the BBC, ok?

I love masterpiece theatre, only, you're not getting into my competition, all right?

That's not fair. You lied.

Excuse me.

I will not be bullied, all right?

Hey, hey, Scottish, what-- oh. still making a film about a man who can't find a job?

Ha ha! Oh, god.

Hey, I give you a job, huh?

Kiss my ass.

Don't be such a prick.

Monique, give him a break. Please?

Ok, everyone admires your little charity work, but, really, why waste your time?

Aren't you carrying around enough excess baggage as it is?

[Camera takes picture]

[Music playing]

Crawford: forget about her.

She's just a stupid Beverly Hills tart held together by hair spray and pantyhose.

This isn't about Monique. It's about Jerry.

Oh, no.

Something happened at the psychic friends tennis retreat?

I caught him with another woman.

I should've seen it coming.

He was all over her at the premonition brunch, which is actually held the night before.

Poor thing.

Why is it we always love the men who cause us the most pain?

I know.

One night in Glasgow, I was mistaken for a Belgian soccer fan by 4 sailors who beat me senseless.

I still keep in touch with one of them--

Donald. [laughs]

TV announcer: Up and down again. Bonus shot now.

[Crowd cheers]

Off the rim, wild scramble for the ball...

There's 2 girls over there kissing.

[Laughs]

So, do you feel your time here has been completely wasted?

You know what, Martin?

You talk too much.

...for tomorrow night's international platinum scissors competition.

Maverick billionaire industrialist Warren Crockett is also in town.

Although one of his companies is sponsoring the competition, it seems unlikely that the enigmatic tycoon will actually be watching tomorrow night.

Listen, I don't mind if a bunch of soft boys get together here and snip a little hair as long as it sells a few crates of salon juice for me.

Anchor: if I know senator Crockett at all, he'll be spending the weekend on his private golf course in brentwood.

He spent, what, $20 million?

You're close-- 25 million.

But then again, when your golfing pals are, like, Tiger Woods and Sean Connery, you spare no expense, you know what I'm saying?

I guess not.

Favored again for the third year running is world champion stylist stig ludwigssen.

I feel great, really.

I'm young. I'm fit.

I'm tingly, sexy, cool.

Hey, that's it. You guys are out of here.

Calm down.

Sorry. he's upset with this jet lag thing.

[Camera takes picture]


[Knocks]

Psst.

Psst.

Seamus can't find his trousers.

Seamus: I've got my passport in them.

Here, do you know where the, uh...

Do you know where the coffee is?

Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

Get out.

Out, out.

[Camera takes picture]

Good morning, tiger.

Crawford: stop that. Don't call me that.

[Growls]

[TV on]

Stop that. I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay.

You could've fooled me last night.

Boy, the things you were doing to me...

Where did you learn that stuff?

You're a total animal.

Ha ha! And why did you keep calling me gareth?

I did not.

"Gareth! gareth!"

What is this?

Mmm. it's a rainmaker.

It sounds like a toilet flushing.

Well, you don't have to worry.

You couldn't have done anything even if you wanted to.

Of course, he's doing wonders for my self-esteem.

Sorry, candy.

I adore you. I really do.

Mmm.

It's just that...

I prefer my women with a penis.

I made such a fool of myself.

Eat your breakfast.

Coming over here, trying to be part of a competition I'm not even invited to.

It's like coming to the olympic games in a pair of shorts and saying, "ok, where's my javelin?"

It just doesn't happen, does it?

I'm glad you're here.

I'm just sorry you're such a pussy.

Think you're the first person to get knocked around by tinseltown?

You think this kind of crap doesn't happen to every single person that gets off the bus?

Ohh.

Ohh.

Well...

Let me tell you something, buddy.

You got big dreams?

You want fame? Well, fame costs.

And right here is where you start paying-- in sweat.

Ahh!

Are you all right?

You're a great hairdresser, right?

I don't even know anymore.

Are you a great hairdresser?

Yes or no.

Is he a great hairdresser?

Yes, he is.

Are you a great hairdresser?

Yes, I am.

Well, then you can win this hair-off.

I can't even get into this hair-off.

If you could get in, you could win, right?

Yeah.

Finish your cocoa puffs.

Crawford: candy was wonderful.

I knew she was well-connected in Hollywood, but I never dreamed she'd get America's comedy heavyweight, Mr. drew Carey, to come to lunch at the flick of a hat.

Waiter: how many, please?

I think you're going right to features.

Watch out, Denzel.

Excuse me.

Someone would like a word with you.

Hi. drew.

There's only a few things i love in life, Monique.

I love little puppies at Christmas.

I love the sound the water makes when it hits the pillars under the bridge of sighs in venice, I love leather underwear.

Great.

But most of all, Monique, I love what that man does with hair.

Thank you.

Don't ever make me tell you that again, ok?

Shh. shh.

Crawford: drew Carey is not Jewish, but nevertheless, he is an expert in the art of schmoozing.

In no time at all, he had Monique geingold eating out of his hand, hook, line, and sinker.

The upshot of it was we were summoned to a powwow at Monique's office.

I wore my blue sweater.

As you both know, the platinum scissors competition has been hosted by Warren Crockett for the past 25 years.

Due to the exceptional nature of this situation, I called the senator at home this morning.

You are a remarkable artist, Crawford.

That's without a doubt, and the impression that you've made on this town in such a short time is unparalleled.

Thank you.

Despite your phenomenal effort, the senator has decided not to include another stylist in this year's competition.

I'm sorry.

Monique-- candy, I'm sorry.

Thank you for your time.

Like a mint?

Cameron: the hardest part about all of this was that it really wasn't about me.

It was about the people back home--

Mr. patel, frank the postman, Margaret, gareth, mother-- the ones who've never won anything in their lives, let alone an international hairdressing prize.

This was for the little people.

And we all know what happens to the little people, don't we?

They get trodden on by the big people.

Clumsy big people with big feet...

Crushing little people on the pavement of life.

Dreams squashed like insects on the giant shoes of fate.

It's just sad.


[Change clinks]

[Dialing]

[Imitates] hello, this is Sean Connery.

I'd like to speak to senator Crockett, please.

Hello, Warren. How are you? It's Sean.

[Gunshot]

Crockett: pull it!

Great shot!

It's a great place you've got here.

It's really beautiful. Really.

Yeah? pull it.

Aah!

You got it again.

Come on up.

I've known Sean Connery for 25 years, and yours is by far the worst impersonation I've ever heard.

You tried to deceive me, and I find that very...

Charming.

Heh.

Now, what the hell do you want?

I need a favor.

So why should i do you a favor?

I studied up on you, Mr. Crockett.

You started with nothing. Now you rule the world.

Not Belgium.

It couldn't have been easy being the only American child in a Shanghai orphanage.

16 kids to a hammock, Mr. MacKenzie.

What's your point?

It's not like your empire sprung out of the ground fully formed.

You started off with a dry-cleaning store in Manila.

By the time you were 25, you were the most successful businessman in Asia.

The garment industry, rubber, tin mining, cosmetics.

You think I owe the universe a favor, and you want to call it in.

Ha ha ha!

Son...

You've got balls of dynamite.

Ha ha ha ha!

Thank you. Really. Thanks very much.

Sure.

Take care, kid.

Cheerio.

Crockett: give 'em hell, Crawford!

The stars are out in force tonight for L.A.'s annual hair extravaganza.

Giuseppe Franco, how are you this evening?

Veronica, how are you this evening?

Jose, how are you this evening?

Stig ludwigssen-- a big gorgeous kiss of talent.

He's got balls like this.

I think stig will.

Everyone who is anyone in hair is here to watch the world's top stylists compete for the ultimate prize-- the platinum scissors.

So, this is the night we've been working towards.

How do you feel?

I feel great, actually.

I feel like William Wallace must have felt before the battle of stirling bridge, only my hair's not as puffy and unkempt, obviously.

Candy, hello. Mmm.

We are so thrilled and honored that you could make it.

I tried so hard to get you in.

I'm just glad it all came together in the end.

How is the senator?

He's great. He's great.

Johnny: candy! Hi, fruit cup.

Oh, Johnny.

Mmm. grr.

Well, so, Scottish.

Finally made it, huh?

Well, I always knew you would.

Right? didn't I say that?

You know, you have ambition, determination.

Hey, you remind me of me.

Ha ha ha!

That's true.

I hope not too much.

Ha ha ha! Right? Ok.

Congratulations, Crawford, and good luck, really.

Thank you very much.

And good luck to you.

Ok. mmm!

Hey, hey, listen.

Why did you say good luck to him?

I was just being polite.

I didn't mean it.

Wait, Johnny...

What?

Is this poo-snacker any good?

Obviously, he must be pretty good if he's here, right?

Anything you need, I'll be right outside.

Ok, thanks.

Thank you.

Well, let's get a drink. Crawford?

You go ahead. I'll be with you in a minute.

All right. Come on.

Are you saying that he is better than me?

Ha ha! Come on, stig.

No one's better than you. Just relax.

I'm just saying there must be rules, you know?

Why did Crockett let him in in the first place?

I don't get it.

I guess he's probably Crockett's bum chum.

Oh, I'm pretty sure that Crockett's not gay.

[Whistles] hey, hey.

Just step over here for a second.

I want to tell you something.

Don't you fuck with me.

Don't fuck with me.

Don't you ever fuck with me, Johnny.


Good luck, stig. Sexy-cool.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm your host Tony bolero.

Hi, how are you?

Thank you so much.

Let's start.

Let's find out what all the fuss is about.

And here it is-- the priceless platinum scissors.

[Applause]

Crawford?

Crawford!

Crawford!

He's not in here!

Sorry. Crawford?

Crawford? Crawford?

Go away. I'm having a panic attack.

Honey, let's talk. Open the door.

I want to go home.

You can't go home, man!

Go.

Their origin is shrouded in mystery.

All that is known is that they were originally hand-smelted for czar Nicholas ii of Russia by Carl fabergé himself.

Just open the door, honey.

Let me in.

I think I may be having a stroke.

[Slap] aah!

Did you feel that?

Yes!

Then it's not a stoke.

Come on.

That's a good boy.

Monique: all right, here we go.

Nicki, you'll be with Crawford.

Kimora, you'll be with dick, of course.

Dave and contrelle, together as always.

Kylie, thanks for being with stig again.

I know how busy you are these days.

In 1941, top Nazi Adolf Hitler almost got his fascist fingers on these scissors were it not for the bravery of French resistance fighters who intercepted these very scissors on their way to berchtegaden.

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me chills to stand so near the magnificent platinum scissors.

All right, gentlemen, the running order is as follows.

Crawford, you'll be first.

Dick, you're in second, followed by Dave, and stig, as champion, you'll be last.

Gentlemen...

To your tongs. [Click]

And as the excitement grows, let's meet the judges.

First, the confessed bad boy of hair himself, the one, the only, giuseppe Franco, ladies and gentlemen.

[Applause]

Celtic salon impresario from merthyr tydfil in south wales, titch Jones!

The king of all products, John Paul Mitchell and the lovely elois dejoria.

I'm not sweating now.

When I start sweating, you'll know it.

Now.

Now. now.

Yes.

We have one hour to go.

For my friends south of the border, 60 minutos to go.

[Nicki screams]

Aah!

Candy: what is going on?

Oh, god.

Someone put some red dye in all his products.

His mousse, his serums, his volumizers.

What does it matter? It's over now.

That's it. We're screwed.

I'm sorry.

We'll get 'em next year, man.

What did you say?

There's always next year. We'll get 'em.

No. there's not always a next year.

Candy, go get me a pretty girl.

You don't have time.

I'll get you more time.

Good. thank you.

Eamonn, that material on the couch.

Candy, a pretty girl, please!

Crawford, listen.

I got a lot of volumizers.

You're welcome to them, mate.

Thanks, Dave. I'll come through.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, i know you've been waiting, and we are going to have a competition.

There has been a slight mishap backstage.

We will be changing the order of our competitors.

Our newcomer, Crawford MacKenzie from Scotland, will be going last this evening.

But I assure you the competition will be stiff, so enjoy yourselves.

Do what I do. Drink more.

Thank you.

[Band plays]

Monique! Monique!

Stig has to go last.

He's the champion.

You can't put the Scottish freak show on after him.

Veronica!

Hi, how are you doing?

Hi. great.

I'm so excited. I always wanted to be in this.

I mean, you're not even famous--I'm sorry.

I'm telling you, he's gonna walk, and then you are going to be screwed.

Ok, if stig walks, he's disqualified.

He's this close to being disqualified already, and you know why.

Oh, come on, Monique.

Stig had nothing to do with that.

Blow me.

I have to get to know your head first.

We've got some rubber cement here.

It's not gonna hurt your hair.

You have your pastry.

I have to calm down just a little.

[Drumroll]

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for-- the main event.

One stylist...

One model...

One hairdo, one shot...

At the big prize.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, our first contestant of the evening, Mr. dick miyake!

[Applause]

[Speaking Japanese]

Tony: what dick is saying is "the transition from monk to hairdresser was a painful one for me."

Give me some of that.

Veronica, put your fingers-- we're actually going to bring you up.

Tony: "my ancestors guide my hands as I create my hair sculptures."

Arigato.

[Applause]

And now, first off, a style created especially for this evening's competition by dick miyake, and he simply calls it "house of the rising sun."


I don't want that.

Candy, I'm sorry.

Put cheese in my hair?

It's gonna work.

Gonna ruin my hair.

Oh, ho, no, that's looking great.

It's looking great.

Ladies and gentlemen, dick miyake, Kimora, and "the house of the rising sun."

Tony: all right, let's check these scores.

9.7, 9.7, John Paul Mitchell, 9.8. Beautiful.

And 9.7, 9.8, 9.7.

Great scores for dick miyake!

If this is the beginning, imagine what is to come.

But don't imagine long, because here comes our British invader, Dave London.

And here's Dave in repose at his favorite english pub.

This is where my career really took off.

I come in here one day, sitting there having a dump was her royal highness lady bubbles banks frampton.

So I gives her a cut, she shows her friends, they loves it.

Bob's your uncle, next thing you know, I'm an international hairdressing sensation.

Which is amazing really, 'cause I only came in here for a shit.

Tony: here we go!

Dave London and his magical creation...

"wembley wonderland."

[Playing rock music]

* god save our gracious queen *

* long live our noble queen *

* god save the queen *

this is going to be the one.

Do you love me?

Absolutely adore you.

Over there on the shelf.

We're going to win if you can get there.

I don't want to breathe.

* god save the queen *

Tony: Dave London!

As the prince called him, the enfant terrible...

Let's look at our scores.

9.9, 9.9, 9.9...

9.9, 9.9, 9.9!

No, I want that.

Tony: oh, my!

Ladies and gentlemen, now the moment you've been waiting for.

You can almost style the tension in this room with a comb.

Ha ha ha!

It is my great pleasure to present a close personal friend of mine and the free-form hairstyling champion...

Stig ludwigssen!

Crawford, did you use the cheese?

The cheese isn't in there.

I feel something starting to harden.

That's just me, darling. I'm excited.

Because I love people, and people love me.

Because I love life, and I love to live.

And sometimes other people say to me...

But not the same people. Different people, they say to me, "stig, you are too kind to people.

You really are too nice to people."

I say to them, "if you can't be nice to people, get the hell out of my salon."

[Applause]

From trondheim, Norway, stig ludwigssen, with New Zealand's own Kylie bax...

And his creation, "odin's longboat."

* on and on and on *

* we are the champions *

* my friends *

* and we'll keep on fighting *

* till the end *

* we are the champions * can I hold that for you?

Blow dryer!

Come on, come on!

Great.

Where's my wire cutter?

Don't get your knickers in a twist.

Who's got a soldering iron?

Don't move!

Blow dryer?

That's it! We're done!

* we are the champions *

* we are the champions *

* no time... *

Tony: stig ludwigssen, ladies and gentlemen.

Reigning world champion!

Unbelievable!

Let's look at the scores.

10, 10, 10...

10, 10, 10!

Yes! yes!

All I can say is it's what I expected.

Maybe someday, you never know.

You should have won. Really.

Maybe someday, you never know.

Unfortunately, our Scottish competitor Crawford MacKenzie was such a late entry, we couldn't make a film for him.

But I think we have something very exciting.

Maybe even better.

With his model, Veronica webb, Crawford MacKenzie's "flower of Scotland."

[Bagpipe playing]


Bravo!

Tony: oh, my!

This is going to be difficult, indeed.

Judges, you must make your decisions now.

As we look at the scoreboard...

Señora, we must ask for your vote.

11, John Paul Mitchell...

Elois, 11...

11! giuseppe Franco, 11!

Titch Jones, 11!

What a competition!

It looks like we have a new world champion!

The platinum scissors will belong to Crawford MacKenzie!

We won!

[Chanting] Crawford! Crawford!

If you're looking for representation, call me.

Crawford! Crawford! Crawford!

Thank you for everything.

Tony: ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hairdressing champion of the world...

Crawford MacKenzie!

I knew it.

I knew it all along.

I'm so proud. Candy.

You hate this, don't you?

No, no. All I'm gonna say is this to you, ok?

We have hair competition, or is it a toy show?

That's the thing.

I gotta go now. Turn that off.

Thank you.

Crawford: I felt sorry for stig ludwigssen.

To go from being top Norwegian to just another Scandinavian hairdresser must be a pretty tough nut to swallow.

When I look back on the whole thing now, I feel I've grown, both spiritually and as a hairdresser.

Was it hard to leave California?

No. it's just like Scotland with palm trees and better dental care.

I wanted to go home.

I wanted to see my friends.

And you know what? I was dying for a curry.

Surprise! surprise!

Welcome back, Mr. MacKenzie.

Thank you!

Well done!

Welcome home, son.

Scotland's proud of you.

I'm proud of Scotland.

[Laughter]

Let's party!

[Cheering]

[Sighs] that's it.

Now...

Who's for a haircut?

* all the leaves are brown *

* all the leaves are brown *

* and the sky is gray *

* and the sky is gray *

* I've been for a walk *

* on a winter's day *

* on a winter's day *

* I'd be safe and warm *

* safe and warm *

* if I was in L.A. *

* if I was in L.A. *

* California dreamin' *

* California dreamin' *

* on such a winter's day *

* stopped into a church *

* I passed along the way *

* well, I got down on my knees *

* on my knees *

* and I pretend to pray *

* pretend to pray *

* you know, the preacher likes the cold *

* likes the cold *

* he knows I'm gonna stay *

* knows I'm gonna stay *

* California dreamin' *

* California dreamin' *

* on such a winter's day *


[repeating] * California *


* all the leaves are brown *

* all the leaves are brown *

* and the sky is gray *

* and the sky is gray *

* I've been for a walk *

* for a walk *

* on a winter's day *

* on a winter's day *

* if I didn't tell her *

* if I didn't tell her *

* I could leave today *

* I could leave today *

* California dreamin' *

* California dreamin' *

* on such a winter's day *

* California dreamin' *

* on such a winter's day *

* California dreamin' *

* on such a winter's day *

* on such a winter's day *