The Big Wedding (2013) Script

DON: There's an old expression that marriage is like a phone call in the night.

First comes the ring, and then you wake up.

My wife, Ellie, and I were married for 20 years before we woke up. Or fell asleep.

Or whichever it was that ultimately led to our divorce.

But we never stopped loving each other.

How could we, after three beautiful children?

Jared, Lyla, and our adopted son, Alejandro.

We had built a home, and a history, and a family together, and that stuff just doesn't evaporate with the stroke of a pen and some lawyer's fees.

At least I hope it doesn't.

Hello?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, wow.

(SNIFFS) Ugh!

Oh.

Yep.

(CHUCKLING)

(GASPS) Look at them.

(GASPS) Oh.

Oof.

(DOOR OPENING)

DON: I mean, you can't be serious.

I mean, it's really that gargantuan of a deal?

BEBE: It's blasphemy.

(BARKS)

DON: Which do you think came first?

The Catholic Church, or cunnilingus?

Oh. Please do not use that language.

What do you mean, I can't say "Catholic Church"?

No. The other thing. (BARKS)

Hercules, be quiet.

What do I use in its place?

You know, when it comes up in conversation.

Well, that is the point.

It's not supposed to come up in conversation.

DON: How about chowing box?

BEBE: Stop it, Donald.

Muff diving? Huh? Stop. You're so bad.

Poon jab?

(LAUGHING) Poon job?

Well, I just had lunch, but if you insist.

Oh, Donny!

Oh, my...

Cunnilingus. (MOANS)

You are such a slut.

Lucky girl. (GROWLS)

(GASPS) Ohh! (DON GROANS)

Sorry. Oh, my... DON: - Oh, jeez!

Eleanor? Oh!

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my God. I don't... Really, I'm so terribly sorry.

He told me that nobody was here.

And I don't know why he did. The key was over...

Anyway, I'm just...

I'm gonna... You know what I'm gonna do?

Oh, my goodness. Ellie?

Hi, Bebe. Hi.

You look, um... You look wonderful.

Thanks. But, um...

Gosh, it's been such a long time.

It's great to see you. I hardly...

I hardly recognize you.

I mean, you look so...

So? So... So...

Unexpected. BEBE: - Unexpected.

No, that's not... Hey, there's Donald.

Ellie. You look like a summer day.

Oh, well, that's because you're on the floor.

Hey, what else is new?

ELLIE: Oh, Oh.

Yeah. Thanks.

Oh... Oh.

How long's it been?

Ooh, ten years. Impossible. Oh!

Oh, you're not, I'm... Ooh! Oh, no, that's okay.

No, that's just... The little blue helper.

What goes up doesn't always come down.

It's like a blue thing, like that.

I thought you weren't getting in till around 5:00.

6:30.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, that's fine.

I just took a little stroll through the village, and it's just so amazing how little things have changed.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, God.

Honey, why don't you take her up to the Embroidery Room.

I'm gonna round up some sheets.

At your service, madame.

Right this way. Oh, thank you.

The Embroidery Room?

Oh, your old office. I don't go in there.

She's got you on the wagon?

I ain't had a steak or a drink in three years.

I can't sculpt worth a fart, but they give me a lollipop every time I leave the cardiologist.

ELLIE: Where are the kids?

Jared's at work and AI's enjoying Pre-Cana with Missy.

Pre-Cana, oh, no.

You mean the Catholic thing with the priest?

Yeah, you know the O'Connors.

(BELL TOLLING)

MOINIGHAN: Matrimony is God's greatest gift to his children.

To be sanctified, nurtured and protected against the seeds of dissent, we're told too often lead to the chasms of discord, from which too often many of today's unions are unable to recover.

It all too often leads to divorce, which is a sin in the eyes of God.

But no pressure.

Melissa, how long have you and this young man been courting?

Just over a year.

But we've known each other since middle school.

Alejandro, is it?

You do speak English, don't you?

No. No, actually, I don't.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I see.

He just graduated from Harvard.

Him and half of China. (CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING MAN DARIN)

(CHAIR CREAKS)

He also speaks five languages, English being very much one of them.

Really?

So, tell me this, Alejandro.

Have you been successful thus far at being intimate with young Mellissa?

Excuse me, sir?

Father Moinighan's just fine, son.

What I'm asking is, is Miss O'Connor's virginity still intact?

(CLICKS TONGUE) I see.

And, uh, did we partake of birth control?

Of course. Ah, of course.

(MOINIGHAN CLICKING TONGUE)

Birth control.

Relationships between consenting adults shall remain privately betwixt themselves, and the Church, of course.

I guess we're going to Hell, then.

In God's good time, my son.

I'm kidding.

So, tell me, young man.

I know your adoptive parents, Don and Ellie, are other than Catholic.

Yeah. Yeah. My mom is Je-Buddhist.

That's Jewish/Buddhist.

And my father thinks that organized religion is for...

His biological mother is very much a Catholic.

She works for a bishop in Colombia.

Good for her. MISSY: - And we're very excited because we just found out that she's coming to the wedding.

She is. Oh, wonderful.

Oh, God. Yes?

What?

Sorry. Nothing. It's fine.

I'm assuming that your mother will be very encouraging of her grandchildren being raised in the Church.

Uh, actually, we decided to wait until they're old enough and then just let them decide.

Hell it is, then.

(EXHALES)

Hi. Is Jared in?

Are you a patient? Sister.

JANE: Oh. Oh. Right.

Hi, I'm Jane. Hi.

He's in a delivery, so you can wait over in the Daddy's Room and I'll let him know that you're here.

Okay.

Hello.

(GAGS)

(BABY COOS)

MAN: No, I mean she literally pulled it out of the socket.

(SIGHS)

I figured I'd be a lot safer here. Thank Christ.

Are you freaking kidding me?

We're in a hospital.

(CHUCKLES)

Right. Sorry.

Just practicing.

I don't even smoke. I quit a month ago.

It's a girl.

Oh, my God. I gotta call you back. Is she...

They're both doing just fine.

Would you like to meet her?

(BABIES GURGLING)

(CRASHING)

(BABIES CRYING)

There you are.

LYLA: Am I dead?

Sorry. Jared'll be in in a sec.

My hero.

He's a sweetie, huh?

Hmm.

I hope this isn't too inappropriate to ask, but is it true that he's never really had...

It's true.

Oh.

Okay. What kind of a doily passes out in the Daddy's Room?

I hope you feel better. Thank you.

Doctor. Thank you.

Thank you. (HUMMING)

She's perky.

Who, Jane? Yeah, she's great.

She's screaming for a shot at the title.

Nice.

What could possibly be wrong with her?

I am so over this whole fresh-faced, Ivy League, preppie, bouncy, ponytail-y type.

Don't you have to be under one first?

Good one.

She knows, by the way.

Yeah. A bunch of us went out for too many margaritas last month.

Now they have, like, an un-virgin pool going.

What?

A bevy of hot nurses are conspiring to bang your brains out?

You should press charges.

No, not my brother. He's gotta wait for love.

Yeah, well...

It seemed like a really noble idea when I was 15.

Anyway, I'm starting to waver.

Shut up.

No, I'm gonna be 30 soon.

But then that would mean that I've wasted the last

15-plus years.

You're fine.

Well, call what's-her-name back in here.

Come on. You can use my bed.

I'll wait in the hall. I can laugh really quietly.

Or I could just put you back in there with the babies.

No.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa. You okay?

(EXHALES)

I want you to...

Look right at me. Right at my nose.

Yeah, you might have a concussion.

How will I know?

Headaches, vomiting.

Hmm. And I haven't even seen Dad yet.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey. Where's Andrew?

I don't know. Can we bookmark it?

I want to keep the whole "Lyla's desiccating her life" lectures down to one a day.

I can't wait.

See you, Jared.

Neither can they.

He's huge.

(BOTH GASPING)

(SIGHING)

I remember. (CHUCKLES)

Look at Jared.

(CHUCKLES)

Lyla. Oh, look how tiny Alejandro was.

BEBE: One of the workers almost painted over that while we were redecorating.

I had my knitting needle to his throat when Donald pulled me off of him.

ELLIE: Yeah. And now they're all grown.

Yeah.

You were so wonderful to them.

Well, they're not officially my kids, but, you know...

God, you look stunning.

Cut the crap, Bebes. I look a decade older and so do you.

Said the one of us not wearing control tops.

Wait until you see Muffin. Oh, my God.

I heard she had work done.

Really, like, somebody said it was scary.

Well, let's just say most of her face is now behind her ears.

(LAUGHING) And she's completely mental.

She's driving me crazy about the details of the wedding, which is ironic because we're hosting it here.

Right. Right?

And I'm catering it. Organic, of course.

Oh, God, I was just so terrified to see you.

Oh, don't be. I mean, look, it was a long time ago.

So...

Yeah. Well, now that you're here, I realize how much I missed you.

Well. Hey, I want to say something.

This house? Yeah?

It looks absolutely incredible.

When were you two married, anyway?

Oh, we weren't. I don't need a ring.

I mean, maybe I'd like to have a ring some time, but...

You should tell him.

He knows. He knows.

Doesn't exactly back stroke through the deep end of the sensitivity pool.

Hey. Look at you two.

Haven't seen this much tail around here since the last poochie died.

(BOTH LAUGH POLITELY)

LYLA: Oh, Well.

JARED: Welcome to the jungle.

I truly loathe this place.

Oh. Is that because you've hooked up with, like, half the staff?

It was high school. And hand jobs don't count.

Oh, thank God.

LYLA: Hi. Oh, look at you. You look gorgeous.

Oh, so do you. Oh, my God, your hair, I love it.

Thanks. I'm so glad you're here.

Sister. Immigrant.

Ambulance chaser. Partner.

Hey, good for you. Where's Andrew?

Oh, God. Are you okay?

I gotta sit down. Come. Come.

She's drunk already?

Mild concussion. This should be fun.

MISSY: It's, like, as soon as we got engaged, it suddenly dawned on them that he's not Caucasian.

Wait, you're not Caucasian?

Not at the moment.

JARED: Well, that's upsetting.

They're, like, putting on this whole dinner theater, PC act, pretending to be really cool, but really they're freaking out that they're gonna have beige grandkids.

Isn't that a little hypocritical, considering your father's being investigated for...

There's my little princess!

Darling. A wisp.

No, it's fine.

Sweetheart, you know the Corns.

Hi. MISSY: - Hi. Good to see you.

And this is her friend Alejandro.

MAN: - Hi. Nice to meet you. Hey.

AI is fine. MAN: - Good. AI.

Well, hello, Lyla. Muffin.

How's Chicago?

Crawling with spics and Jews.

Mazel tov.

DON: I'm shaking, I mean, it's been so long.

What the hell am I gonna say to her?

BEBE: Don, you're gonna do fine.

I need, uh, a drink.

Babe, hey.

Thanks, babe.

ELLIE: - There she is. Okay.

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you?

Donald.

You look breathtaking.

You've packed on a few.

You know, only in the good spots. But...

Do you... Well, is it okay if I...

Actually, I'm just... I'm not feeling so hot right now.

Oh, hey. I miss you so much.

LYLA: Oh, hey.

I wasn't actually kidding. I really don't feel well.

I really wish we could spend some time, you know, just the three... Dad!

(VOMITING) (PEOPLE GASPING)

ELLIE: Oh, my God. Is she...

DON: You all right? ELLIE: Oh, my God.

(GULPING)

Okay. So much better.

So give us the lowdown.

Rehearsal dinner tomorrow.

Saturday wedding at the house.

And where are we going on our honeymoon?

Vietnam and Cambodia.

Yeah. We suggested Venice, but we don't count.

Because it's safer.

But also, of course, because Venice is Alejandro's native language.

Your name is Muffin.

Yes.

I love Cambodia.

And it's perfectly safe.

I know, because I lived there for three months.

Mom found herself in Asia.

What? (DON GROANS)

(CHUCKLES) That's absurd.

What'd I miss? LYLA: - Mom.

Don't you know Tantra?

Is that how you say it?

You had a nine-hour orgasm once?

(GASPS) Seriously?

That's gross.

A little self-exploration wouldn't kill you, young man.

Okay.

Or maybe a little less self-exploration, in your case.

ELLIE: - Oh. LYLA: - Right, virgy?

So it's on. LYLA: - Oh, yeah.

One-nothing.

Nine hours? Okay.

Doesn't that hurt?

JARED: Wait a second. Lyla.

Why isn't Andrew here?

Trouble in paradise?

You're a peach.

And they're all tied up.

Okay, I don't understand. What's he talking about?

Andrew's moved out. (GASPS)

He's moved out?

Is he fooling around?

Because I'll tweeze his balls off.

ELLIE: Oh, great idea.

Yeah, 'cause karmically that would make a ton of sense.

What happened?

We can talk about this later.

Uh, you know what?

As long as it's come up, let's just get it over with.

Because I'm sure Barry and Muffin here are just dying to hear all about the tests, and the injections, and humiliation I've so enjoyed the last four years.

No, we really don't... Shh!

Honey...

We were fighting. All the time.

And it just...

It just got really hard, and he couldn't take it.

And I knew that, so I cut him loose before he did it to me.

Amen. So...

Who do you have to lynch for a cosmo around here?

ELLIE: - Okay. I don't get it.

She can't have children.

Okay, could you please excuse me, just...

No, no. No. I've got it. No, no. Don.

I don't think it's a good idea.

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

DON: Before you end it all, you should know they filled in the kiddy pond last summer.

So?

DON: Let's just say, the grown-up pool is a few degrees warmer this year.

Where are you?

DON: Right behind you. Same place I've always been.

(GROANS)

Is it okay if I...

Yeah. Thought you were afraid of heights.

The heights are fine.

It's the lows I'm not in love with.

How's it coming?

Uh, spectacular. I'll get there well before Christmas.

I know we're supposed to do this whole father-daughter Kumbaya on a stick thing, but it just doesn't work that way.

I'm gonna sit down.

Okay.

I know.

Mom wasn't the only one you cheated on.

I know.

I still don't know how Bebe sleeps at night in a house you and Mom built together.

And the decent thing would have been to just sell it, or burn the place down.

I'm sorry.

For what?

That things rarely turn out the way we want them to.

(SCOFFS)

Yeah.

Listen, honey. You know, this thing with Andrew...

Don.

Want my cosmo?

Down to my toenails.

No, thanks.

Mother-pisser.

My God, you must be so excited.

It's been, what, like four years since you've seen them?

Here, sweetie, have some vegetables.

I'm kind of nervous, actually.

Yeah. What? You don't have to be. Why?

Well, because my sister's never even left Colombia.

That's plenty.

Oh, really? Is she as traditional as your mother?

I think so. She's extremely shy. So...

Well, listen to me. We are going to make them feel as welcome and at home as we possibly can.

Did you know that I have to promise to raise our kids Catholic or the priest won't even perform the ceremony?

Oh, come on. That's very 14th-century of him.

Right? Just, listen to me, cross your fingers behind your back, and just say, "Hallelujah, Jesus."

That's what Missy keeps saying.

But it's the principle of the whole thing, isn't it?

No, it's not. It's marriage.

One compromise down, 2.999 million to go.

Speaking of compromises, I have something that I need to ask you guys.

Anything.

It's just, it's... It's kind of a big one.

(MUMBLING)

Don? Oh, my God!

Do you know what your son just told me?

Huh? Oh, my God.

You know how the Catholics have this thing about divorce?

Well, it turns out that Madonna is under some sort of ridiculous impression that divorce is a great big, fat sin.

Who's Madonna?

AI's biological mother! What are you, nuts?

I'm not listening.

And she's also under the impression that of all the big, fat divorce sinners in this whole big, wide world, you and I are not among them.

Uh... Don?

Can you even hear what I'm saying?

Not remotely. We're not divorced!

Got it? What?

For the next three days, you and I are husband and wife.

What? Yes!

Shit! (SCREAMS)

(ELLIE SCREAMS)

Don!

I feel terrible.

They're just letting anyone into Harvard these days, huh?

And you never told her about them because...

I mean, there was no way she was ever gonna come here.

It never even occurred to me until that Pre-Cana.

ELLIE: - Well, wait a minute. Oh.

What would happen if she knew the truth?

You told me what she put you through during the adoption.

She gave up her only son so that I could have a chance at a better life.

And now, she left Colombia, which she swore she would never do. On an airplane, which she's petrified of, only to find out that I've been lying to her about being raised by heathens for the past 15 years.

No offense. None taken.

It'd break her poor little heart.

Why don't we just fake it for a of couple days? No big deal.

ELLIE: And what makes either of you think you could pull this off?

Sweetie, there's just one little part that I'm stuck on.

If those two are still married, then what does that make me?

My concubine?

I hadn't really gotten there yet.

I see. (CUTLERY CLATTERS)

All right.

More tea, anyone?

I thought my life was a shit storm.

I feel awful.

Well, then what the hell are you waiting for?

This is gonna go great.

Before we start shitting kittens, why don't we just sit the old gal down and lay it all out for her? You and I are divorced.

It's not like we moved to a fucking petting zoo or something.

ELLIE: She's from another country.

A very different country.

And her values aren't the same as ours.

So just pretend to be married for the weekend.

What's the big deal?

Where would you like me to start?

Hey, listen. You were no Mardi Gras, toots.

What did you call me?

DON: Let's get that straight. Oh.

And it's an expression. It's an expression.

Of endearment. So don't get all Jane Fonda about it.

ELLIE: Uh-huh. Well, you know, the Tibetans have a wonderful expression for moments like these as well.

Yeah?

Loosely translated, it means, "Go fuck a yak, Don."

That's the moment. I finally feel home.

So, she's leaving.

Some apology. What is the matter with you? Why can't...

She won't listen to me.

She's not going anywhere.

Honey, this is all very dramatic.

Can't we just... Put a sock in it, Donald.

Let me help you with this.

Let's go in the kitchen, let's have some tea...

You hate my tea. I love your tea.

BEBE: Really? DON: Okay, okay.

I do hate your tea. But the rest of you is pure perfection.

Just take the suitcase. Honey, please. Look...

ALEJANDRO: Bebe?

Jesus. (DOG BARKING)

I'll call Holly and have her oversee the catering.

I promise, we can figure this out.

This weekend should be about you and Missy, and your happiness.

And if my presence means that that doesn't happen...

But, Bebe, you're a big part of that happiness.

I'll just...

No. Because then every time you look back on your wedding day, it's gonna be with pain and regret.

And I can't allow that to happen.

(SIGHS) I love you, sweetie.

Oh.

Ciao, baby. Just consider this my wedding present, okay?

Oh, God, help your father before he blows his bypass.

Pop, I got it.

(GRUNTS)

BEBE: That's it.

There. You be brave, and elegant.

Okay? Don't take shit from any of the old people.

Bebe. Bebe!

Please, you don't have to do this.

Oh, pishposh.

I'm gonna go to The Plaza, use Donald's platinum card.

Listen. Look, I need you this weekend.

I can't get through this without you. I can't...

Back off, Donald. You're already on thin ice.

What the hell did I do?

It's not what you did.

Okay. Okay, what didn't I do?

Why don't you ask your wife?

Maybe she'll explain it to you.

(ENGINE STARTING) Bebe.

DON: - My fault. Yep.

My fault! Un-fucking-believable.

Piece of wedding advice, kid, stay single as long as you can.

Will do. Trust me.

As long as you possibly can.

ELLIE: Hey, I'm sorry, but may I just say something here?

The woman that you supposedly love is devastated, and all you've got, Don, is "stay single." it was a joke.

Right, I forgot, you haven't laughed since the '60s.

Yeah. Not since I married you.

Yeah, well, promise to never do that again.

Oh, believe me, not in a million years.

Well, but let's not bring your mother into this.

Um, guys.

Ki-yai! (GRUNTS)

You just punched me in the face! What are you doing?

I could tell you something, I earned my green belt, and you talk shit about my mother again, I swear, Don...

Guys! ELLIE: - What?

I thought she wasn't coming until tomorrow.

That was yesterday. For God's sake.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You just punched me in the fucking face.

I'm sorry. Here we go, dear.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?

I don't know. After what you just did?

You're gonna hold my hand. It's okay.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Thank you for inviting me to your home.

Oh...

(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)

I pray that Alejandro and Melissa are as wonderful together as you've been.

Mmm!

- Gracias. Gracias. Yeah.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

No, no.

(SPEAKING BROKEN SPANISH)

Whatever. Just whatever...

No, I've got it. I've got it, honey.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(LAUGHS) Oh, dear.

Thank you. Welcome.

Anyway.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, she wants to know why your nose is bleeding.

Oh, this? Well, no, it's... No English, right?

No.

(LAUGHING)

Because my wife is one of the great cunts of the 19th century.

Uh...

Yeah. There you go.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Mama. Here we go.

Hi. Hello.

This is my sister Lyla.

Hi. And this is Jared.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Uh, the lawyer and the doctor.

Yes.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

She said my son is lucky to have such role models.

Aww, we're your role models.

That's a mistranslation.

No, it's not. Yes, it is. This is Nuria.

Hi.

Hey. Really nice to meet you.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, you see, it's not...

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry. It's not... We're in between interior decorators.

Yes, and there's a statue, too.

And oh, my goodness, I have such wonderful taste.

DON: Yeah. ELLIE: Don, darling.

I think it would be a wonderful idea if you showed her your studio, dear.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Hey, you know, I think that's a really good idea.

DON: Right. ELLIE: (LAUGHS) There you go.

Thank you, sweetie.

DON: Right this way.

That's a commission.

Birthday present for some fat cat's wife.

It's...

Yeah. Sucks being sober.

You like?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Well, that's weird that AI's got a sister, right?

Yeah. And a mother.

Are you jealous?

ELLIE: Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, it's just, I never thought I'd actually meet her.

You really think you and Dad can pull this off?

We're adults.

(CHUCKLES) Since when?

Oh, no. How many pictures can one woman have?

On. (GASPS)

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

ELLIE: Oh. That is so not okay. Oh, no, no, no.

(CHUCKLING)

Amor.

Alejandro?

Looks just like him, right?

Y Melissa.

Yeah, if I ever finish.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What's that? I don't understand.

Oh, oh. She asked if you know Missy well.

Oh, si, si. Since...

Her parents are friends of ours.

(ALEJANDRO TRANSLATING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Do you think that Missy and I love each other enough to have happiness forever?

Si.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

She thinks you are a serpent.

Oh.

Well, flattery will get you everywhere.

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

It's a symbol of duality, the struggle between spirit and matter.

I know she's not saying something good about me.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)

ALEJANDRO: Perverse thrill of a man competing with the purity of artistic expression.

So, she's calling me a pervert.

ALEJANDRO: - Essentially. Yeah.

I think it was a compliment.

How refreshing.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Now she would like to meet Father Moinighan.

Really? Mmm.

Well. It's possible his hangover's worn off by now.

(CHUCKLES)

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: You have no new messages in your mailbox. Please...

(DISCONNECTS CALL)

Careful. We've had shark problems in the past.

Freshwater sharks?

(CHUCKLES)

Touché. Uh, may I?

So, it must have been wonderful to grow up here.

Yeah. Yeah, some of us are still working on it.

You went to Harvard with Alejandro?

I did. Yeah.

In that I just drove him there.

But I think I definitely would have enrolled had I not got my parents' DNA.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You... You are funny.

Thank you. And you're... You are...

We are permitted to swimming?

Why?

No, I mean, yeah. Totally. Let's, um...

My sister got a ton of swimsuits in her room.

I'll... Let me grab one, I'll be one sec.

Holy shit. What?

Holy shit.

Are you coming?

Yeah. I should probably just... Yeah.

So, bathing suits, it's not really that big a deal in Colombia, huh?

Well, I am only here for a few days, and I would like to see as much of America as I can.

That's only fair.

Since we're seeing so much of you.

You will show me around?

Yeah. I can... Wouldn't be, you know... Yeah.

I got the rehearsal dinner tonight, but then I could...

And you will make love to me also?

Hmm...

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

(PRAYING SOFTLY)

Just so we're clear, you're (IMITATES RIPPING) from the will.

Bebe's been trying to rope him in here for years.

Anyone comes at me with a ring or a crown, or any other legally binding bullshit, I take out their kneecaps. That's it.

A crown?

But you're a happily married man, darling.

Remember that tonight when we're in bed together.

I will, right after the pigs fly out of my ass, sweetie.

That's a nice image. Oh, would you...

Good morning, Father.

Oh, I thought my eyes deceived me, but my ears bespoke the truth.

There are Griffins in my humble church.

Bill. How goes the war?

Well, being on the wagon's not entirely bad.

If only the wheels didn't squeak so perniciously.

Padre and I did AA together. Twice.

No, three times. And third time's the charm.

(ELLIE LAUGHS)

Father, I would like you to meet my biological mother.

Madonna Soto.

It's a great privilege to meet you, madam.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

MOINIGHAN: Your mother's a little old school.

I'm sorry, but my Latin's a bit rusty.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

My mother would like to give confession.

Right.

My mother would like all of us to give confession.

Nope. Sod off. Screw that. Like hell I will.

Guess what? No.

Forgive me, Father, for this is bullshit.

Don, it's a lovely gesture to make to your guest.

How's sobriety working for you?

Sucks a dick. You know that. Shit.

It's wonderful to see you and Donny together again.

Oh, yeah. We got "remarried" this morning.

You're kidding.

Can you keep a secret? It's confession.

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

MOINIGHAN: I thought you were against organized religion.

Well, after this weekend, I may need all the help I can get.

Go on, my son.

Is it wrong to lie to someone you love if the only reason that you're deceiving them is to protect their happiness?

Well, that depends.

Are you disrupting the lives of anyone else by enacting your deception?

(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)

What's a ring gonna prove after eight years of love and companionship?

I mean, she's my girl. What else does she want from me?

Oscar Wilde once said that marriage is a triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Oscar Wilde?

Oscar Wilde used to make whoopsie with altar boys.

That's true. Forget what I just said.

This place, I miss it.

Mmm. It's like...

It's like home.

Even he's like home. Even Don is like home to me.

It's so strange.

Does that frighten you?

Well, I mean, obviously, that part of my life is over, and I do think that that's a good thing.

Well, there's different kinds of love.

There are? Yeah.

You know, just because you're divorced doesn't mean you're legally required to hate him.

You know, you're not as dumb as Don says you are.

Thank you.

I'm outta here.

Nice chatting with you. Bullshit.

Griffin, table for 50.

Uh, actually, the O'Connors requested a private table on the Rose Terrace.

Outside?

Isn't it supposed to rain?

That was communicated to them, yes.

Uh, right this way.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Barry, what's with the alfresco?

It's gonna piss all over us. No, it's fine.

We just thought it would be more private.

She insisted.

The thought that anyone would see us eating with a bunch of, what was the expression you used, Mom?

Uh, Barry O'Connor. It's very, very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. This is my wife, Muffin.

We're delighted to make your acquaintance.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

And of course our daughter, Melissa.

Hi.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Mama?

It's okay.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)


What the fuck did she just say?

Shh! Please.

DON: I don't know what she's saying.

(WHISPERING)

You have my blessing.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

BARRY: All right.

Come sit. BARRY: - Yeah.

You know, contemplate, place to put it.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Hey, Don. Where's Bebe?

We were supposed to go over the crudités presentation together.

Yeah. Well, her aunt just passed, so she had to go back to Poughkeepsie.

MADONNA: Nuria!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

But her aunt's dead. That's what I said.

God knows I hate a boring dinner.

Everybody have enough ice water?

Good evening, and welcome to Weeblewog Country Club.

My name is Yvette.

And I will be your captain this evening.

Bebe?

(THUMPING) Ow!

BEBE: Tonight our soup is a lobster bisque, flavored with twice the recommended daily dose of sodium.

We also have a filet mignon.

Not organic, stuffed with bleu cheese, sour cream, bacon, and a defibrillator.

DON: I'll have the filet mignon.

Don't think so.

Excuse me, miss.

Our guests really aren't used to American food.

Do you think that Chef Claude could whip up some chimichangi thingy?

No. Stop it.

MUFFIN: What, I didn't say it right?

No, you said it fine.

Just fine.

Are you okay?

(SOFTLY) Just fucking with him.

BARRY: Fine.

Mama.

What's the rumpus?

Oh, um, she was wondering why the wedding is being held at our house, and not at the O'Connors'.

Um...

Well, we thought we'd shake it up a little.

Uh, besides, our house...

Is in foreclosure?

Okay, that's... MISSY: - That's right.

He has to plead poverty because he's being investigated for stock fraud.

Spectacular fork.

BARRY: It's more complicated than that, I think.

But we still have money. We do.

Really. It's just... Okay.

It's overseas for the time being.

BARRY: That's enough!

I'm gonna check on the soup.

I wanted to tell you that your house is the most amazing place that I have ever seen.

You built it yourselves, yes?

(THUDDING)

We did, actually.

Tell her the story.

MISSY: Yeah, it's really romantic.

It is. It is romantic.

It's fine. Tell her. Tell the story.

Don and I, we were living in the city separately.

She wouldn't shack up with me because we weren't in matrimony.

ELLIE: So Don's latest exhibition had sold out completely.

Third in a row.

It did well. Awash in humility. As always.

One of the many things she loves about me.

That's our Donny. Yes.

Can we please just skip to the happy ending?

(SPITS)

ELLIE: So Don and I, we decided we'd take a drive to the country, and we came to this open field. Remember?

We parked there, we went for a walk.

And it was so wonderful.

It was sunset.

Do you remember that, Don? Sweet.

And we came across this gorgeous pond.

And he proposed to me as the sun kind of went down.

DON: I was... I was sneaking out here on Saturday while she was spending time with her folks, and...

Yeah, but I knew what you were up to.

Believe me, I knew what he was up to.

Oh, you? I did.

You didn't have a clue.

What are you talking about? You were clueless.

He spent three months searching the entire New England countryside for the most beautiful spot, and when he found it, he took her back there.

And then when he proposed...

He planted...

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

And then they built a house over the years under the shade of the tree, and added on to it every time Don sold another sculpture, until, well...

(MADONNA SPEAKING SPANISH)

You are very lucky to find a man like that.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm just... I'm terribly lucky.

Thank you. Thank you.

ELLIE: Uh, Yvette?

Will you please excuse me, just for...

Jared! (CUTLERY CLATTERS)

May I please speak with you?

Yeah, sure.

You know what? I got... Give me, like, one sec.

I got, like, a terrible leg cramp.

ELLIE: Uh-huh. Nuria, dear. Please. Yes.

Please. May I take you to the restroom, please, the ladies' room?

Where we can wash your beautiful hands.

BARRY: Well, (CLEARS THROAT) here's to a wonderful dinner.

And a really neat wedding. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Huh? Okay. Indeed.

ALEJANDRO: Cheers.

(SPLASHING)

BARRY: Madonna, how is your bisque?

Huh?

(RAIN POURING)

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Oh, my God.

So, the thing to remember is that men are like pumpkins, the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.

MUFFIN: I'm melting! Oh, my God!

My face! What's happened?

What's happening in here?

Well, Nuria and I have become very close friends.

Yes. She was just explaining to me.

Really? BOTH: - Mmm-hmm.

Wish I had been adopted.

Can we please just elope now?

Seems like the lesser of two evils at this point.

Really? Because I'm pretty sure Vegas is just back that way.

I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't survive the trip.

What the hell is going on with your family? Why?

Oh.

My kingdom, my kingdom, my kingdom for a steakhouse.

(CHUCKLES)

DON: What a bust that was.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What are you grinning at?

(GIGGLES) Oh, it's just women's lib.

You know something, I'm cold.

Are you sure that heat's all the way up?

Well, yeah. We'll take a steam when we get back to the house.

Wait a minute, you have a steam in the guest room?

Nope. The master bedroom.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Whatever you say.

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have no new messages in your mailbox.

Ridiculous. It's like I ceased to exist.

What's that, Lyla?

No texts, no calls. Nothing.

Hombres.

I know, right?

ELLIE: No offense, Lyla, but honestly.

Really, you did leave him.

Yeah, he doesn't have to make it so easy for me.

You think he'll show up at the wedding?

He does, I'll tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Language. ELLIE: - Oh, Lyla.

He said terrible things to me.

Punch him in the nose? Of course not.

Because that would be unladylike.

What are you looking at me for?

You miss him.

A little.

That's what I thought. Look, just give him a call.

I can't.

So, I was thinking we could maybe go to my room, listen to some music, or you know...

Whatever.

No, thank you.

But you may read me some poetry, if you wish.

Poetry?

Yes.

Are you serious?

Yes. Your mother was very informative.

I deserve to be treated with respect.

Don't we all.

MISSY: Say it louder.

ALEJANDRO: I'm an idiot. MISSY: A what?

I'm a galactic idiot. My idiocracy knows no bounds.

You won't tell a tiny white lie to a priest that you'll never see again, but make a complete farce of our wedding?

I know. That's no problem?

I know.

I feel so bad for Bebe.

You know how many months she and my mom have been planning this.

I know. I know. I'm an idiot.

I did talk with Father Moinighan, though.

For reals?

I promised that little Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John would grow up ravenous for the sweet baby Jesus.

Did you?

May have had crossies when I said it.

Thank you.

You really truly love me.

I do.

Yeah, you do.

And you'll fix all the other stuff?

What's it worth to you?

Huh?

You honestly think...

It's too bad I'm saving myself for marriage.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm busy tomorrow.

MISSY: All I hear is, "Blah, blah, blah."

ELLIE: So, you know, call her again.

I tried, but she had the front desk lock me out.

Tell me again how this is my fault.

Don.

WOMAN: (ON TV) ...in a year. Many of these children...

DON: Now, where'd you dig that up?

Oh, my God, I can't believe how tiny he was.

Yeah.

Sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing.

Ellie, for two people who did a lot of things wrong, adopting AI wasn't one of them.

Yeah, he's the kindest of us all.

Yeah.

We didn't do that many things that were wrong, did we?

Everybody's happy now.

Well... Right?

(STAMMERS) Yeah, right.

Kids are great. You're having nine-hour orgasms.

Uh... (LAUGHS)

No, no, no, just... Yeah, well, give or take.

I'm intrigued. Yeah, I'm stunned.

Prove it. You wish.

For old time's sake. Oh, my God. Okay.

You know what, I think the coast must be clear by now.

Ooh.

Good to see you, Ell.

I think you said that already.

What the hell? Oh!

Ow! What are you doing?

Oh!

Shoot. You're gonna wake Madonna, for God's sake.

Shh.

Ow!

I have been reading sonnets. Out loud.

Well, that's very romantic.

So romantic for you, dear. What?

I am 29 years old, and I've finally, I mean, I...

What?

I can't believe I'm getting cock-blocked by my own mother.

I merely told her that there are certain things that women should expect from a man before she just jumps into bed with him. All right?

Yeah, I know. Don't you think it's kind of hard to...

What?

Send her flowers every day for a year when she goes back to Colombia on Monday.

C'est la guerre.

(GASPS) Oh...

So sorry.

Oh, my goodness. Well, anyway, good night, sweetheart.

Sweet dreams, of course.

Yeah. Okay.

You suck. Buenas noches.

ELLIE: Buenas noches.

(GASPS) Oh!

Noches.

Noches again.

(EXHALING)

Oh! Back so soon?

Oh, yeah. The temptation was more than I could stand.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Now you're talking.

Uh... Be gentle.

(CHUCKLES) Or don't.

Good night.

Good night? Says you. Yup.

Oh, please. Come on, you didn't really think that we'd go through with this, did you?

No one ever died from dabbling.

Uh-huh. Just our marriage.

Fair point. Yeah.

But, you know, I couldn't stand being ignored.

I ignored you?

You didn't need a soothsayer to know that you were terrified of being alone with me.

I'm sorry, Don. Really, lam.

Just, you know, with the children gone, I guess I didn't think we had much in common anymore.

Yeah, so we picked up another kid to avoid the issue.

You know, I tried to stick it out. I really did.

I know you did, Don.

Wanna fool around?

(LAUGHS) Oh!

You need to marry Bebe.

And that's nothing you don't already know.

And what about you? Anybody special since...

Me?

Yeah, of course.

There have been guys here and there.

Yeah. And I guess nothing I'd write home about, nothing special.

Well, I did date this local cop when I lived over on Courtesy.

He was really quite nice.

And then in New York City I met this stock broker who actually proposed to me on the third date.

You know, that should have been my first clue. God.

But then...

(SNORING) (GROANS)

(RHYTHMIC THUDDING)

ELLIE: A little more left. Left. Oh!

Oh, yeah! (DON GROANING)

ELLIE: In there! That's right! DON: Right there?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)


What happened to you?

What time is it?

A little after 8:00. I thought you quit?

Thought I quit a lot of things. 8:00?

So that would make it, hey...

Forty minutes. Not bad for starters.

Was that what that...

You didn't. Oh, tell me you didn't.

You and Mom for 40, that's... You scumbags.

Gross. What?

What about Bebe? I know.

God, what is wrong with you?

Forward, ducklings.

(BARKING)

We are gonna cater the shit out of this thing whether they like it or not.

(HONKING)

I know you can't understand me, but now that you're here, I want you to know that I've always been intimidated by you.

Even so, I never tried to take your place with him, but I always encouraged the phone calls, and the visits.

And meeting you, oh, my God, I see where so much of what's good in him comes from.

And I just, I'm just so...

I'm just so happy you're here.

Uh, do you... Uh, oh, um, do you understand me?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

DON: You working on anything lately?

Haven't touched a chisel in years.

Wow, shame. You have more talent in your little finger than I have in my whole body.

I'm a big girl now, Don.

You don't have to say that anymore.

It happens to be true.

Hair of the dog?

No.

You sure today's the day you want to fall off the wagon?

Coin flip at this point.

Pass the riffler.

How is it that you can make something so beautiful and yet be such a complete douchebag?

I'm a complicated serpent.

Or whatever the hell she said.

So is this what happens with men?

Just a grain of strife in the relationship and suddenly you're knee-deep in your ex?

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Sweetie, I may be on the back nine of life, but I just spent the last 40 minutes laying more pipe than I have in 20 years.

I didn't say no to the scotch

'cause I didn't want the drink.

So wait a second.

You're...

Andrew doesn't know.

I'm not one of those women who thinks I deserve to have a child just because my uterus suddenly decides to work.

He either loves me or he doesn't.

(SIGHS) I'd hug you, but...

After last time...

I'll just try one of these.

Delicious. Good.

Happy you're pleased, Mr. Griffin.

You are paying for it.

Mmm-hmm. Well, you know, I think I'll have a few more.

No.

I don't think so.

You know, if I were talking to you, I would ask you what happened over there.

With Lyla? Yeah.

Did you see us? I did.

How about that?

It must be very comforting to know that not everybody hates you.

Eases the burden somewhat.

Listen. There's something I need...

No. I'm not talking to you.

Is she upset about something?

Yeah, she is.

I'm not sure what to do about it.

Well, you love her, don't you?

More than anything.

Well, then, you do whatever it takes to make her happy again.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR) NURIA: - Si?

JARED: Can I come in? NURIA: Uh, okay.

JARED: Oh, geez.

NURIA: (CHUCKLES) Can you help me, please?

JARED: Oh, my God, this is so not fair.

All right.

(NURIA GRUNTS)

Sorry.

(CHUCKLES)

Listen, I...

No, it's, come here, impolite to interrupt a performance.

A performance?

JARED: Item one.

Serenade her.

(PLAYS UKULELE)

(SINGING) There's not a lot of words that rhyme with Nuria But I really want to Reassure ya

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

That I will try not to be Premature-ia

(CHUCKLING)

I...

Look, I decided that I will not make love with you.

Okay. Um...

I disagree. Here's why.

Look. I did everything on your list.

Breakfast in bed.

And I even did a list of the top 10 greatest moments in our relationship.

"The first moment I saw you."

"The first moment I saw you naked."

That's... It's very sweet.

But we are brother and sister.

Yeah, but only a little bit.

Look, you have waited a long time for love.

And I could not forgive myself if I took that away from you.

No, you're right.

The song is nice, though.

Um, this... Flowers every day, for a year.

(WAGON WHEELS SQUEAKING)

We have to tell her.

I'm not sure I agree.

Well, we at least have to invite her to our wedding.

I'm... I'm sorry?

(LAUGHING)

I'm kidding you. I'm kidding you. I'm kidding.

Thank Christ. Yeah.

I mean, not that it would be a bad idea, but...

Yeah. No, it's okay. We're behind each other.

Finally.

We're still family.

Still family.

ALEJANDRO: So, what's going on?

ELLIE: Um, oh...

First things first. Thank you.

No.

Well, honey, your father and I wanted to give you something.

Together? DON: - Crazy, right?

We're so proud of you.

We really are proud of you, of the man you've become, and of the woman that you love, of the wonderful life that you have ahead of you, and so...

We love you, bud.

You, um... You carved this from the tree?

Your mother's idea.

No, actually it wasn't my idea, but I'm speechless at the modesty.

Oh, wow.

I saved a few just in case the first didn't take.

I don't know what to say.

Does this come with a piece of land? Waterfront, if possible.

Sure, just click your heels three times.

See you on the flip side, kid.

(LAUGHING)

I love you guys.

Thank you.

It's perfect.

(GASPS)

Oh, my gosh, look at you!

You're here.

Of course I'm here. Where would I be?

You look gorgeous.

Except this.

Well. Let me put that, here you go.

Which reminds me of the prom fiasco.

You remember the junior prom? (CHUCKLES)

White tux and blood everywhere from the pin?

There you go. Perfect.

Thank you.

Hey. We're family. At least most of the time.

All the time. Mom.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Hey.

I know, we were just talking...

Hi, Bebe.

Right, Mrs. Griffin. I was just leaving.

No, no, that's okay. No, it's all right.

Wait a second. Mom?

ELLIE AND BEBE: Yes? MADONNA: Si?

Uh...

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

BEBE: Hello.

Um, Bebe?

Have you by any chance seen our boyfriend?

No, not since this morning. My... Oh, fudge.

Well. If it isn't... ELLIE: - Oh, no.

Uh, one, two, three. It's like a convention.

Donald Robert Griffin, what have you done?

ELLIE: Oh, my God. He's plastered!

I'm sorry, sweetheart, I... ELLIE: - No, no.

DON: - I, you know, we... Oh, my gosh.

One minute we were sleeping...

BEBE: How...

The next minute, boom, boom, chi-boom, boom, chicka boom...

Excuse me?

DON: We came into the bedroom.

And what are you gonna do?

You do what you do in the bedroom.

ELLIE: Don!

The two...

I'm sorry, Bebe.

Wow, you really know how to serve your revenge cold, don't you?

DON: Come on, honey.

All right, I forgive you. You do?

Well, I mean, of course.

Otherwise I'm a hypocrite, right?

So, all right, I forgive you.

DON: I'm sorry, too.

Forty minutes, by the way.

(DON GROANS) (MADONNA GASPS)

Aah! Whoa!

NURIA: Hey. Hey, wait.

Of course. You look amazing.

Thank you.

There's no chance that you've...

No. No.

...changed your mind? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Sorry. That's okay.

BEBE: Well, you have to admire the symmetry of it.

Hey, Donald, sit down.

Although, I guess if we were really being sticklers, you'd have to put your dick in Muffin.

ELLIE: What?

I dig the vulgarity, but why would I ever want to bang Muffin O'Connor?

Well, I'm just saying, if you want to go for true symmetry.

What are you talking about?

BEBE: Eleanor?

Uh...

Would somebody just please punch me in the face again?

Because I don't know... What are we talking about?

She cheated on you first.

What? Oh...

I...

What. Wait. Well, wait a second.

Well, there was... It was like a...

Mistake. Honey...

DON: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If making it even means that I'm supposed to boink Muffin, that would mean that you boinked...

Barry.

What? What?

DON: - Why? What do you mean, why?

What's the rumpus?

Wait, wait, wait. You slept with Missy's father today?

No, no, no. Not today.

It was years ago, when we were married.

He must have read you a ton of poetry, huh?

How could you?

I was really very unhappy at that time.

What about me? ELLIE: - Well, I don't really care about you. I know you don't!

Listen, I don't know what to say.

It was practically an accident.

And I never told anyone. Never. Not one person.

Except, of course, my very best friend.

It was a long time ago. it was.

And now you all have a wedding to go to.

I'm gonna call the movers.

ALEJANDRO: No. ELLIE: Wait, no.

Just for the record, whatever happens, no way am I ever bumping uglies with Muffin O'Connor.

I beg your pardon?

What the hell did you just say?

Just because you porked my wife doesn't mean I have to return the favor.

Excuse me?

ALEJANDRO: All right, that's it.

Oh, God. BARRY: - What are you doing?

You look amazing, by the way.

Please. Okay.

Look, I... Barry, Barry, it wasn't me.

Okay, so I did the thing with you. I mean, I didn't do that.

I did the... Whatever you do.

I'm sorry about it. it was a mistake.

Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck me.

Where is he going?

Overseas, I imagine.

So you're the one.

And I'm so sorry, Muffin.

You have to understand that it didn't mean one single thing.

I feel so used.

MUFFIN: Don't even worry about it.

Barry and I have an understanding.

I occasionally look the other way, and he doesn't harp on my fetishes.

What fetishes?

Your wife, for example.

Which one?

They're both equally delicious.

Oh.

And that's the ballgame. Wow. I did not see that one coming.

Hi. Hi.

Yeah. You guys might want to step out here.

DON: Good idea.

Oh. (GASPS)

Hmm.

Oh, God. This is humiliating. Mmm-hmm.

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

What? What do we do?

About which one? You know, Bebe.

Can't live without her, right? Right?

Okay. So, you've gotta think about what you're gonna do.

Right.

Where are the children? I don't know.

Dying of embarrassment somewhere?

You think they might call it off?

Oh, man, Muffin, get over it.

Okay. It's okay.

You're gonna have beige grandkids that are bilingual.

We'll see about that, won't we?

Oh, we will see about that. Yes, we will.

ALEJANDRO: Sure you're okay with this?

MISSY: You kidding me?

Just get this over with before anybody sees us.

ALEJANDRO: Father? MOINIGHAN: Everybody ready?

ALEJANDRO: Just give us the Cliff Notes version.

I'm sorry, but I have...

MISSY: Oh, come on, please, before anything else happens.

Okey dokey.

Melissa, do you take...

Yes, I do.

MOINIGHAN: Do you, Alejandro Soto Griffin...

ALEJANDRO: Yes.

I do.

LYLA: On your marks...

Get set...

I'm pregnant.

Surprise.

Oh!

(GASPS)

Oh, look! Lyla!

Oh, God, they're eloping on the dock!

No, no! No!

Stop! Don't do it! Holy mother.

Oh! MOINIGHAN: - Alejandro...

You put the ring... Yeah.

The ring on her finger. You put the ring on his finger.

MUFFIN: No, no! Don't! MOINIGHAN: Blah, blah, blah.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may... MUFFIN: - Please. Stop!

...kiss the bride. MUFFIN: - No!

Now can we elope? Definitely.

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

MOINIGHAN: - Now, now, Muffin. How could you do this to me?

(ALL SCREAMING)

She can't swim.

Really?

(BAND PLAYING JAZZ)

Hey.

Look, I know we might never see each other again, so, I thought maybe we'd toast to what was almost a beautiful friendship.

Hmm.

No, you know, your mother was the one that told me that American women are more reserved when it comes to their sexuality.

Except for her, of course.

I think I Will not...

Take her advice anymore.

The men of Colombia will be thrilled.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What?

Close the door.

Oh.

Bebe! Bebe! Bebe!

(ELLIE CLEARS THROAT)

Is that them?

BEBE: Yeah. They're gonna be spectacular together.

They're smarter than we are, huh?

BEBE: It's hard not to be. I mean, what was I thinking?

What an idiot. I mean, what is wrong with me?

No, there's nothing wrong with you.

At all, Bebe.

In fact, you know what I've come to believe?

I believe you're the sanest one of all of us.

Oh, no. Yes.

You don't have to say that. That's crazy.

That doesn't make it any less true.

You've always been more beautiful.

Ellie. And, I mean, I think actually that's probably one of the reasons that I found Don so attractive.

Come on. You were in love with Don Griffin from the first time I introduced you at the Crabtree summer party.

Was it that obvious?

Yeah, to me.

Well, then why didn't you hit me with your car or something?

Come on, you were my best friend.

Still are, I hope.

Oh, Bebe. It wasn't him.

Oh, yeah, okay, so he was flirting, but I made the first move.

Why? Because...

I wanted to make sure I was over him.

And you know what? it turns out I've been over him for such a long time.

I want you to know something else.

I've always been happy that it was you he turned to.

I told you I forgive you.

Then forgive him, too.

(JARED AND NURIA MOANING)

JARED: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Again.

Oh, hell yeah.

Ah!

MAN: - Excuse me... No, thank you.

At least no one will ever forget it.

I'm an orphan.

No, no. It's not that bad.

My mother's a lesbian, and my father has had his penis in your mom.

Ugh! That's a picture.

If it makes you feel any better, I think my brother is somewhere having sex with my sister.

What?

They are all coming out of the woodwork.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

No. No, I'm just saying call me if she gets back to the hotel.

Well, how the hell... Listen, how am I supposed to know?

That's why I'm asking you.

Ow!

And that makes a full set. What the hell did I do now?

Do you know why I've stayed away from you for all these years?

I have some idea. But I... Okay.

Because like it or not, I'm your daughter.

Jared got all of Mom's traits, and I won the lottery with all of yours.

Yeah. You know, if we're the same, how come no one's popping you in the face every five minutes?

Huh?

You know, when you cheated on Mom I became terrified that I was gonna ruin my marriage the same way.

And I don't want to be like that.

I don't want to be like you anymore.

Andrew's here. Yeah, I know, Dad.

I wonder who called him?

Yeah, okay, two things.

Then if you never speak to me again, so be it.

Look. I know you would figure out that I called him.

And you're right, Lyla, we are alike.

Neither of us are particularly close to being stupid.

And you know what, you can hate me for the rest of your life, if that's what you need.

But I'm gonna tell you what I need as your father.

I need as your father to be able to give my little girl the best chance at a happy life.

Because ultimately, and we're all selfish, that gives me the best chance at a happy life.

Even if you hate me for it.

I don't hate you. Let me finish.

Let me finish.

I know you love me, sweetheart, even if you don't.

I do know that.

And I know that when Mom and I split up you felt that you had to pick a side.

And I was okay with that.

Because, you know, she needed you more than I did.

And I understand that.

(SIGHS)

The day you were born, I went out and I got blasted, and I left your mom alone. I just drank my face off.

You know, you had these swollen little eyes, and these pink little hands.

You were so...

I couldn't rectify how something

so incandescent could come from an old douchebag like me.

Same with the boys.

You know, but for a few mistakes along the way, I did the best I could to earn my place in all of your lives.

You know, you can be mad at me, not mad at me.

It's never gonna change how I feel about you.

And, look, I know these are just words to you now.

But trust me, you'll understand what I mean when your daughter is born.

How do you know it's a girl?

I don't. I'm just hoping you'll be that lucky.

And I'm sorry that I'm so late, by the way.

I actually wasn't planning on coming.

You didn't miss much.

My mom's a part-time lesbian.

(CHUCKLES) I don't have a response for that.

That's okay.

(SIGHS)

Hi.

Hey.

You look beautiful, honey.

I'm not the one who invited you.

Okay. He said that you had something to tell me.

We're just gonna go.

No, no, no, no, no.

You are my sister now. This involves you as well.

You never called me.

Well, you did say that you never wanted to speak to me again.

You said terrible things to me.

I know.

We were in a... I was... I'm sorry. I am sorry.

I...

I'm pregnant.

That's why you barfed on Dad.

Sorry.

Oh.

Are you serious? I don't believe this.

Andrew, I won't bring this baby into an unhappy marriage.

I agree. I agree. We can work on that.

Okay.

Can I...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Beatrice. I know you're still here because I just threw your car keys in the pond.

And into the kitty litter.

- Beatrice? I love it.

- Beatrice. Oh, my God.

Oh. I think that's for you.

Get your tight little ass out here, toute de suite.

Beatrice Martha McBride, you come out here now or I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house...

And you'll give everybody here a migraine if you don't shut the dilly up.

What do you want?

Okay.

Here you go. Sorry for cutting in.

I just want to tell you something.

Well, okay. We're all listening.

If I've learned anything about life, it's that it's all but a dream.

Brilliant. And there's no wizard pulling levers behind a curtain, which means, as far as I can see, the only real use in loving someone is that it makes your life better.

And my life would suck infinitely more without you in it.

CROWD: Aww!

That's it?

That's the truth.

(ALL BOOING)

Okay. Okay. I just have one answer for you.

No, no, I did not ask you a question.

The answer is yes.

I did not ask him a question.

Yes. Yes. Yes, I am a horse's ass. Yes, I will ogle, but never again, other than perhaps mentally, fondle another woman.

And yes, I will embarrass you, and shock you, and often cause you to question every last reason in the world why you would ever love me in the first place.

Yes. You...

Yeah? Think that I still love you?

Really, you don't?

Keep going. Right, right. And yes, I would rather gouge out my eyeballs with hot spoons than cause you pain again.

And yes, I will keep you on an alabaster pedestal.

Words.

And yes, I will love you and only you for the rest of my life, if you will allow me

(BOX CLICKS OPEN) the honor of becoming your husband.

(GASPS)

Where the fuck did you get that ring?

I've had it around for a while, six years or so.

Six years?

So, what do you say?

Oh, what the hell.

MOINIGHAN: That's the spirit.

Okay then.

By the power still vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)


Wait a second.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

You'll always love me.

May I have this dance?

Oh!

ANDREW: Ooh, yeah.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Ohh! Oh, Oh.

Oh, some wedding, huh?

It's my first two-fer.

Yeah. Congratulations.

You, too.

Yeah. You know, you were right.

About what?

There are different kinds of love.

Which one are you feeling now?

(EXHALES) All Of them.

Whoo!

DON: Welcome to the family, baby Jane.

Lesson one, your grandmothers are all nuts.