The Bloody Ballad of Squirt Reynolds (2018) Script

We're at Camp Nawgonamakit sitting round the fire pit.

Shut your eyes, girl.

It's getting pretty spooky here. Well let me make this crystal clear.

This is a cry for help. This is a cry for help.

Now I'm going to tell you a story.

The year was 1980. Camp Nawgonamakit opened. The first campers were learning arts and crafts and survival skills.

There was one child that stood out among them. No one knew his real name. They just called him Squirt.

Squirt? He sounds like a geek!

Not only was he a geek. He was also horribly disfigured.

That's awful.

The only thing worse was how the other children treated him. So he hid best he could.

Now, if you were horribly disfigured in 1980 who's face would you use to cover it up?

Burt Reynolds, of course!

Squirt wore a Burt Reynolds mask the entire summer.

Only to take it off when he slept. But one night, while he slumbered in his bunk.

A bunch of kids filled his mask with steaming hot honey glue.

They woke Squirt up, telling him there was an emergency.

As he frantically put on his mask, the one thing he thought could protect him burnt the skin right off his face.

He ran into the woods and was never seen again.

Cool story, Chet. Very original.

So nobody knows what happened to him?

Legend has it he took refuge in the abandoned camp fitness center.

No one was ever going to call him Squirt Reynolds again.

He would make sure of that.

From then on, any campers unlucky enough to set eyes on him wouldn't laugh. They would cry out in terror.

If you close your eyes and listen carefully, they say you can hear the clanging of dumbbells as Squirt gets in a late night pump.

Goddamnit Jeremy!

Hey girl, you wanna work out with me?

No.

You could really use it, I'm working up a nice sweat.

Why don't you eat a dick.

I don't eat dicks.

Seriously, Lana, come on? Just some good ole fashioned camp shenanigans.

Lana!

Fuck!

I'm going to go check on her.

Trey, are you smoking a doobie?

It's a doobie. I've been around the block.

Are you okay?

Yeah... now that you're here.

What was that?

Nothing.

No, I heard something.

SQUIRT REYNOLDS?!?


Zoe!

Lana?

Zoe, where'd you go?

Zoe help!

Lana I'm coming!

What's wrong Zoe?


Hey!!! I was playing a song...

Man.

More of a guitar guy?