The Cable Guy (1996) Script

You looked at him, you looked at Ray and you said, you know yehh, "I want him to be my man" "I want him to be my boyfriend...

...but he's got a change. The way he does things"

What do you talking about?

One of the things that initiated a little.... you know misunderstanding, that we had...

...was that one day, just because I didn't want to have sex with him.

He's gonna come to my face, talking about.

Oh I feeling want to do. I'm gonna calling somebody else to do it.

How do you do it?...

Oh, no.

Stop at 4000 and a spin.

That's not why it happened.

You'd been drinking, and you thought you were making love to me.


- This differs from a normal massage. How? It's more sexual.

I ought to know when I see a good ball.

Okay baby, You're right.

Don't patronize me. I got knee guard.

- Oh Jamie, I... No!

That this television funny-man killed his own brother in cold blood.

My guests today are revealing secret crushes on food service workers.

Mr. Davis, do you take cream and sugar when in your eye?

- Get out. What?

Atleast say John to their something, you want to tell him?

Well, I'm really a man.

Jesus. What is the cable guy already?

Rick Legatos, please.

Hey, Phil.

Hey, Rick, phone. Hello?

Hey! Hey, How's the move going?

Horrible! The cable guy is missing in action.

Apparently, He's gonna be here sometime between 8 AM and my death.

You haven't called Robin, have you? Please come immediate call her.

No. I'm giving her her space.

I can't believe she's doing this.

You've never should've ask her to marry you. You're nuts mother of...

All she had to do was say no. She didn't have to kick me out.

I feel like felix hunger.

Let's go! Just give me one half minute!

Listen, a one sweet little piece of advice:

Slip the cable guy 50 bucks, he'll give you all the movie channels for free.

Even the dirty ones.

I couldn't. I'm not good at that stuff. What if he says no? I feel like an idiot.

None of them say no. Never happens.

Gotta go. Talk to you later. Kickass. All right.

Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here anymore... If you wanna reach him, Call at 955...

Cable guy. Oh, great.

Cable guy! Don't leave!

Wait! Cable guy!

I'm coming! Cable guy!

I'm coming. Don't leave.

Cable guy!

Hey, wait! Come back.

Well look who decided to show. You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.

Was I? So I'm the tardy one?

Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.

Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF!

I'm just joking with you.

Let's do this.

Wow, The old McNair place.

Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened in here.

What happened?

They had a lot of cats.

Here the comment card. Please mail it in when I'm done.

Does it go to your boss?

No, it goes to me. I'm kind of a perfectioniss...

Perfectionis... t.

Well, Let's take a look, what we've dealing with here.

This could be a cool pad.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby. Talk to me.

Tell me where you like it. Come on.

Hello, mama.

Is this what you want? Is this where you need it?

Talk to me.

How about this?

That's your sweet spot, right there.


Your lady kicked you out.


In preparing your service...

...I noticed you were previously wired across town 1268 and a half Chestnut.

Last week, the billing was transferred to one Robin Harris.

Smells like heartbreak to me. Well, I really don't want to discuss it with you.

Would you just install my cable, please. I'm going to get dressed. Suit yourself.

No sweat off my sack.

By the way, You might want to put on a bathing suit.

Because you'll be channel surfing in no time.

So ends day 54 of the trial of former child star, Sam Sweet...

...who has been accused of shooting his twin brother, Stan, in cold blood.

The twins were stars of the hit sitcom Double Trouble...

...which aired from 1977 till 1984.

Who broke this?

- He did it! He did it!

Life wasn't sweet after the cancellation of their program.

Holly witch them up and split them out. A frustrated Sam turned to petty larceny...

...while his impressionable brother fell in with the finch cult called the Brotherhood of Friends.

And so today is a turn is continued...

I hope they fry this bastard.

....of twin envy. Also known as Twin stress syndrome.

And here with Robert Simmons of Frequent commentator on Court TV What happened?


The arrangement of your major appliances and your furniture...

...was causing some noisy pics and humbaizing your reception.

I moved a few things, clear to wide out. Is that cool? Yeah, I guess.

I just have some paperwork for you to fill out.

It kind out a drag, you know.

You just start get to know somebody and then the job is done. Boom-Bam.

Sign here.

I feel good about this.


Hey, wait. Yeah?

One thing. I have this friend, and he gave his cable guy $50.

And then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?

You mean illegal cable? Umm....Yeah.

Who told you that? What is his name? I want it. Oh, forget it.

You're offering me a bribe.

What you've just done is illegal.

And in this state of convicted, you could be fined up to $5000...

...or spends 6 months in a correctional facility.

Ohh Please, No. That was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.

I'm just jerking your chain.

You are too easy.

Wake up little snoozy. Smell the smelling salt.

I'll juice you up.

Call it one guy doing another guy a solid. That is so nice.

Well, you're a nice guy. You'be surprised how many customers treat me like snot.

Like I'm a goddamn plumber or something.

Here's my personal pager number. It's for preferred customers only.

Never call the company. They've just put you on hold.

Wow, thanks really. You gotta get some good marks here.

Hey, maybe I'll take you upto the satellite sometime, Show you how this whole thing works.

It's really incredible.

Sure, we should do that one day. How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Tomorrow's no good. Why? what you're gonna do?

Sitting around and Stew about your ex?


Okay. I crossed the line. Sorry. Oh No, no. You didn't cross the line.

No. Cool. Pick you up at 6:30.

There are 24 classrooms. Each can be converted into a 1400 sq.ft home.

The facility has an Olympic size swimming pool, 2 tennis courts, a full gym and a stage...

...if the residents decide they want to perform Oklahoma!


And most important, the structure is available in foreclosure.

If we put down a cash bid, we gonna steal this thing.

Yo, Steve-o.

Hey, Tough room, but you got them. How you feeling?


Did I knew something about you having a little domestic discord or something?

Yehh, Robin and I having a difficult time and I moved out. I think it's only temporary.

Can I be plump with you?

If I approve this project and you screwed up, it's not going to be my ass.

Now I have all the confidence in world in you. It's just.

You know, I'm coming from right? I'm on it.

I'm more patient. I'm more loving. They tell me this.

Nobody's all you watching this doesn't believe, there's something in our life that can improve.

If they're doing well financially, what's lots of people challenge by...

...maybe their relationships not going so well, because they are so busy working on not find the answers.

Call now, and you'll be rushed the complete

"Personal Power Success System for a no risk 30 day in home free trial."

Steve! Steven!

Stevie, time to leavey!

Yo, Stevie!

Hey buddy. Come on down! What you waiting for? Graved invitation?

It's the fun bus. Come on!

How's it going? Hey, buddy!

I've had a few drinks, so you might buckle up.

That's my humor. Hey, Thanks for coming out.

Most people thinks cable just a simple coex because that want.

They never take the time to understand how it works.

Where exactly are we going? We're a little ride on the information Super highway.

I come up here to think sometimes. Clear my head.

Brace yourself.

There she is.

Right now she's sending entertainment and information to millions of satisfied citizens.

That's pretty impressive. See, I knew you'd appreciate this.

The future is now!

Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer.

You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female mud wrestling on another.

You can do your shopping at home, or play mortal combat with a friend in Vietnam.

There's no end to the possibilities!

When I was a kid, my mom worked nights. I never met my father.

But the old TV was always there for me. I know what you mean.

My dad was there everybody might as well have been away.

That's tough. You must have a lot of abandonment issues.

Reality isn't "Father knows best" anymore.

It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe grip Kodiak work boot...

...and a trip to the hospital bloodied and bashed for reconstructive surgery.

But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

You know, my brother is a speech therapist.


Never mind.

You're pretty love-struck about your lady, huh? Yehh, I miss her.

I asked her to marry me, and she asked me to move out. I hate that.

She says that, I put too much pressure on her. Women are a labyrinth, my friend.

Can I be frank?

I don't think you listen to her. I think you try to tell her what she wants to hear.

She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is.

All the complicated splendor that is woman.

When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.

You're right. That's incredibly insightful.

I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.

You know what? Women love suckers for Sleepless in Seattle. It's on HBO this month.

That's your bait, right there. Robin loves that movie.

That'll do.

Next time you talk to her,Tell her you're cooking yourself dinner, watching it by yourself.

And sound like just never been happier.

She'Il come running. Well maybe, I'll give it a try.

You know, I'm embarrassed to say this, but I don't even know your name.

Do you really want to know my name?

You do? Right, Sure.

It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.


This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand but.

I'm really just saying the things that I think that you want to hear.

And I'm interested in learning about every detail of the complicated splendor that is you.


I can see why taking this time might be good for us. So I'm not mad.

Well, Sometimes time apart is healthy. You're right.

Well, That's what I came here to say.

I gotta get back to the office.

So, What are you doing tomorrow?

I'm just gonna cook myself some dinner, watch a movie.

Sleepless in Seattle is on cable. Really, I love that movie.

Oh, Wow.

If you around, why don't you come by and checkout the new apartment?

Ok, Maybe I will. Whatever.

Hi, I'm Tabitha Soren with MTV news. Today in the Sam Sweet case...

...the prosecution played the 911 call that Sam've made, the night he murdered his brother.

Keep him eye, Mr. Sweet confessed one month later.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My twin brother's been shot.

I think it was an Asian gang or something.

I saw someone. He looked Asian.

And he was speaking another language. I'm pretty sure it was...

It was Asian.

Oh, man.

That's the same injury you had last year?

Hey, You guys play here too?

Weird. I was just talking about.

I thought I'd see if anybody want to play some round ball.

Great. We need another man. This is Chip Douglas, my cable guy.

We met about a week ago,on our routine isolation. but I feel I've know him my whole life.

Really? That's sweet.

Okay Chip Douglas, you're on my team. Let's play. No way.

I'm on Steven's team. I'll switch teams. Let's just play.

Hold on. I've got to warm up! I don't want to pull a hammy.

Let's get it on. You any good?

Kneel me under the ball. You'll find out.

Check it.

Looks good.

Okay, Let's see what you got, White Shadow.


That was a travel! Whatever you say, Chip!

Oh, I see. We're playing prison rules, huh?

Feed me!

Steven, I'm open! Feed me the rock!

Chip, over here!

I love this game.

I guess we're done. Thanks for bringing your friend steven.

Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.

What are you doing?

I'm just talking trash. You ruined the game.

I don't appreciate your tone, Steven. Friends aren't supposed to speak to each other that way...

What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.

Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken. I'm going home.

I guess we'll talk later. I'd to go shower and do some stuff anyway.

- You have 11 new messages. All right.

Steven, it's Mom. Give me a Call. I'm still your mother, you know.

I'm getting on, Steven, call your mother.

Hey, Steven. Just check it in. Give me a ring. I'm at 555-4329.

What's up, Steve? I'm at a pay phone. so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up Okay I'll be home later.

Okay, I'm home. Give me a buzz when you get in. I'll be here pretty much all night.

Hey man, It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay later.

We're having ourselves quite a little game of phone tag here.

I was just blow-drying my hair. Thought I heard the phone ring. Is there have any?

Anyway call me. We'll talk about it.

Steven, I think your machine is-

Oh, shit.


Hey, good to see you. You too.

So how's work? Work's good.

How's Hal? How's Hal. Don't get me started. The guy has no vision.

It's like working for Mr. Magoo. And those hair plugs. - I know.

He's just an utterly useless person. I think I hate him.

It's nice to see that you doing so well. It's nice just to see you.

Hey. It should be on now.

Damn it. Son of a bitch. Cable's out.

Oh wait, I know what to do. The cable guy is a friend of mine.

I'm a preferred customer. All I have to do is page him. and he should've this fixed in no time.

Hi. Is there a problem with your service? Yehh, my cable is out.

Really? So you called me.

Funny, how you call when you NEED something.

Is that how you treat people? Well I've been really busy. Can you give my cable going. Robin is here.

Hey, please this is important. But calling me back isn't?

I'm sorry. Please can you help me out?

Why should I help you? I gave you free cable.

What have you ever done for me? Anything you want. Just name it, Quickly.

Tomorrow night we hang out. Fine, anything you want.

God bless you. You're too good to me. You really are.

All set!

What's with the cut cord? That's for effect. Until tomorrow Steven.

She's pretty. Don't kiss her. Don't even touch her.

Resist the urge at all costs. It'll pay off in the end.

See what I'm saying?

Enjoy the flick.

That was fast. Yeah.

Are you okay? Yehh, I'm fine. Don't I look fine?

This isn't how it's done. I'd much rather just see somebody I like.

And get a feeling about them, and ask them if they want have a drink.

- Or a slice of pizza? I wanted does it still works this way?

- It doesn't. They asked you. I'm starting to notice that.

If you get a new wife, do you get to have sex with her?

- I certainly hope so. Will she scratch up your back?


In movies, women always scratching up the man's back and screaming stuff when they're having sex.

- How do you know this? Jed's got cable.

Ok baby, Mommy's got to go out now. When will I get a brother? You said I was gonna get a brother to play with.

Yehh well that's why Mommy is going to happy hour.

Now listen, You just sit there with Mr. Babysitter, he'll take real good care of you. Okay.

Sweet, don't sit so close to that thing. It's gonna rot your brain.

- Why didn't you take my call? What is this thing? I kinda top and I'm doing and answer the phone everytime I drinks.

- Do you know, Your nostrils flare out into little wings when you're mad. Come on Evelyn, I've gotta go.

Sorry about yesterday by the way. I was in kind of a weird mood. How did everything go with you?

Keep them closed. Pretty well. We'll see. Look about the other night...

You're not peeking, are you? Come on now. I want this to be a surprise.

I really not need to be a surprise. Where are we going? Only the finest restaurant in town.

Open, sesame.

Medieval Times?

I knew you'd like this place. I come here twice a week.

Welcome to Medieval Times. I'll be your serving wench, Melinda.

Might I fetch you something from the barkeep?

Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate...

...he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!.

I'll be right back, My Lord. My thanks to ye, fair wench.

Oh, Thanks.

Look, look I have to tell you. This is kind of difficult. Hold that thought. Show's on.

Welcome to a magnificent journey into the past.

This is Medieval Times!

Are you prepared for a night of feasting and sport...

...the likes of which you'll never forget?

Lights out to Stand up and cheer for your section's knight.

Let the games begin! The blue knight rules!

The red knight sucks the big one! You're going down, red knight!

Going down, down, down! Red knight going down!

Down, down, down. Red knight going down!

Smite him!

Could I get a knife and fork?

There were no utensils in medieval times, Hence there are no utensils AT Medieval times.

Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?

There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?

Dude, I've a lot of tables.

Can I have your skin? Sure Check this out.

Silence of the Lambs.

Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.

Oh, Lord.

There was so much you know. This has nothing to do with you as a person.

We have reached the climax of our competition, Good people.

And now, Two noblemen from our audience will battle to the death... resolve the grievance.

Will a Master Steven Kovacs and a Lord Chip Douglas, make your way to the fighting pit!

Let's go. What's going on?

It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven. Is this a normal part of the show?

No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.

Well, Is it safe? Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.

What are we supposed to do? I mean We have to be careful that we don't hurt each other, right?

I cannot listen to any of your instructions, For you are my sworn enemy.

And apart to meet you demise.

Okay Just take it easy, all right?

Nice move.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

Come back here, so that I may brain thee!

My leg! I have a cramp.

Are you all right?

I am now.

Oh, my Lord!

That's the spirit. Let's give them a show!

I'm blinded! My eyes!

I don't believe you. It's another trick.

So that's how it's going to be? Alright. You want to play rough?

Daddy can play rough!

Liked when Spock fought Kirk on Star Trek. Best friends forced to do battle.

Chip, this isn't funny! Will you stop it!

The name is Spock. If we don't fight until the death, they'll kill us both.

This isn't Star Trek.

Goodbye, Jim.

Good fight. Good fight.

Eat! Keep eating!

Quickly! Muster atop your steed.

Buddy, Get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.

Don't do this! Good luck to you!

This is our destiny! No, it's not!

Yes, it is! Yes, it is! No, it isn't! No, it isn't!

Is! Is! Isn't! Isn't!

Are you all right?

Well done, good sir. You are the victor.

But we will meet again.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Did you hear that? Yehh.


You got a real warrior's instinct. I had to admit, its a real feeling of power holding that chopstick stick.

If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take you back. I'm telling you.

These knights get laid all the time.

We should go again next week.

- You have no messages. Nobody loves you.

Oh by the way. I think, I left something in the living room the other day. Can you be apparent check that out for me?

Just a little piece of equipment.

What do you think? What is all this?

It appears as if someone has taken the liberty of updating your home entertainment system.

I got you the big-screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine...

...and THX-quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants.

You got into my house when I wasn't home?

Well, how else I supposed to get this stuff here. By Osmosis?

How much did all of this cost? Practically nothing.

I have a connection. Preferred customer. I hook him up, he hooks me up.

Listen, I can't accept this. I wouldn't feel right. Why not?

You give me something so much more valuable. Friendship.

Yehh and, you given me friendship. So we're even.

Really don't take this personally but You have to take all this stuff back.


My friend with pickup works till Saturday. Can I leave it here till then? Sure. No problem.

Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here anymore...

If you wanna reach him, call 9555-3837 Hey Robin, it's Steven. I'm still trying to reach you so.

Well, I'm at the office. Call me. Bye.

How's it going? Good.

Good. Keep it up. It's your ass. Right.

It's Robin on line two.

Hey, I had the best time the other night. So when I'm gonna get you on my sofa again?

Well, tonight's not looking too good. How about tomorrow? Chip.

I knew I'd get you on the phone that way.

Listen, that equipment is gonna be history soon. Let's break the cherry on that karaoke machine.

What does that mean? Tomorrow night, Karaoke jam. Your place. No ifs, ands or buts.

Well maybe a few butts. Big ones!

♪ American Women ♪

♪ Stay away from me ♪

♪ American Women ♪

♪ Mamma, Let me Pee ♪

♪ Don't come at hanging around my door ♪

♪ I don't wanna see your face no more ♪

♪ I got bored.. ♪ You're going on a date? I thought we'd fun the other night.

We good. we good, but that doesn't mean that we're officially back together.

And you said yourself time apart is good.

Yes. Time apart from each other, but not with other people. That's not time apart.

That's time with someone else.

Steven I love you, but I gotta go. Bye. Bye.

This is just a sign that you need to live a little.

She's having fun. You should too. Maybe you're right.

You're damn right, I'm right.

Oh I must forgot, I got you a little something. I thought you said we are even.

You're breaking the rules. So, shoot me.

What is it?

My brother thought it might help you with your lisp.

This is... There's no words... It's no big deal.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It is to me.

Now I'm on a mission.

This is going to be the best damn karaoke jam ever.

We're really bopping!

You have some nice friends. Ye..They're just preferred customers.

Chick alert, 2 O'clock. What a licorice.

Don't look, don't look, don't look, don't . You're just playing with me.

She's all over you. Like a lamp shield. Shut up.

I'd strike while the iron is hot if I were you. He who hesitates, masturbates.


Hey. I'm Steven. Heather.

Can I get you a beer? How about a tequila?

All right.

Hi, Rick.

That's could be a good one.

Thanks for accepting my invitation. Steven invited me.

Look at him. He's having a super time.

He's changing Rick. You gonna have to learn to live with that.

I don't know what your story is Chip Douglas, but I'm going to find out.

Well don't dig too deep. You might get burnt by the molten lava.

I'm out of here.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

The soothing sounds of Raul, ladies and gentlemen.

You had honey in your voice tonight Raul. Do a song for us.

Oh No, I couldn't. No, I really couldn't.

All right, already!

I fought the law, and the law won.

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, In a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter."

About the rolling stones and their nightmare at Altamont.

That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way.

Tonight, it's my turn.

So what do you do? I can barely hear you. Do we talk in the other room?

All right.

♪ We just had a baby born at the left side of the party, Ladies & Gentlemen. ♪

♪ We need an ambulance over by the scaffolding! ♪

It's the summer of love, baby. Let's leave these two alone.

Smile! That's going to be a good one.

Good morning, Where are you sunshine. and how are we today?

I borrowed this sweatshirt. Hope you don't mind. Bacon and eggs, coming up.

Where did Heather go? Oh I heard being leaving early this morning.

You Cad.

What a night. Just what I needed. Well, I'll tell you something.

You look like a new man. I feel like a new man.

I was getting so used to been rejected. You know, I really liked her.

Hey. It was my treat.

What do you mean with your treat? You know I buy this time, you buy next time.

Don't let your eggs get cold. Buy what?

What do you mean, "Buy" what? The women.

The wom...Do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?

Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hangout with us if we weren't paying her?

Oh, God! This can't be happening.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

It's okay. She's totally clean. I checked her out about a week ago.

Make sure she was top quality. And I'm healthy as a horse. Not a drip.

Would you like some juice?

You're kidding me right?. She's a friend of your. You're just messing with my mind, Right?

I wish I had friends like that. Get out of my house.

What are you so ashamed of? I know she was a working girl, but she kinda liked you.

You might even able to get a freebie. No, just get out now.

I don't ever want to see you again. Robin was never gonna forgive me.

Well, I tell you how you handle that.

DON'T TELL HER. You want her back. I'll help you get her back.

No, I don't.. I can do it...

No, I just want you out of my apartment. And get this stuff out of here.

I think you need to ask yourself, Why are you doing this Steven?

If I think you're starting to sabotage yourself.

Out. Now. Ok Everything was going so well. Why are you doing this Steven?

I made you breakfast, and we were eating and...

Out! Scrambled eggs and..

No, I'll fix this Steven. I' can fix it. I can make it cool again. Out.

This is just a speed bump Steven! I'll make it better.

May I help you? No. I'm meeting someone here.

I apologize about last night. I came home from gym and I just fell asleep.

Most appreciated.

So Gail tells me you're coming out of a relationship. What's that like. It must be hard on you.

Not really. We're just sort of in a holding pattern right now. A holding pattern?

It sounds like you need to come down and refuel.

You're sexy. I Am?

You heard me.

You've been working hard. Take a break.

Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what's the story with our chicken, man?

Your chicken? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet?

Well, Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend.

If it's not too much trouble for you.

Alright, I'm sorry to put you out.

You see the attitude? Unbelievable.

Look I'm like hysterical now. What were we talking about?

Your job. What's that like. What's your job like?

It's a little crazy right now... We've just sort

Hold that on. Just a second. I need to use the head. and I'll be right back.

I want to find out about your job. about a minute rested, I'm curious about it.

Hey, what's with the story with our chicken?

Enjoy your meal. Thank you.

Good evening, sir. Hey, Stretch.

Pleasant night, isn't it? Yeah, not too bad.

Of course, I guess the weather is always fussing in here.

The winters are remarkably mild!

If you need anything, just let me know. Anything at all.

Don't bother. I think, I got it under control.

Unbelievable. It's no trouble, really.

What is your-?

People rarely take advantage of all my services. I'll help you wash up.

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

You're on a big date.

You'll need to look your best.

That'll take care of the shine. Now, let's pluck those eyebrows!

She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me...

...she loves me not.

A little José Eber...

...a touch of Alfalfa...

...and...Boom-bam...we're ready to dry you off!

Right into the buckle. That's got to hurt!

Suck it. Suck the air.

Anyone ever say, You look just like Dizzy Gillespie.

Don't worry about the tip. But I've got one for you.

Stay away from Robin. She's taken.

Here's a brizzare story from downtown where a man was beaten... a restroom by the sailor disguised as a bathroom attendant.

The victim is been unable to speak senses unmotivated attack.

A police sketch are as put together this drawing for witnesses descriptions.

We'll be right back.

Tonight on UPN: The trial that's captured the nation.

Everybody is waiting for the verdict, but you don't have to wait for the movie.

- Crybaby. I love you.

- No, Sammy! Look who's crying now.

Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet in Brother Sweet Brother. The killing of Stanton Sweet.

Parental discretion advised.

Who is it? It's the cable guy.

My cable's fine.

I have an upgrade order for one Robin Harris.

Total rainbow package. That's every pay channel available.

Well, I didn't order that.

Apparently, you have a secret admirer.

Was it a man named Steven? I can't tell you that.

Come on. No, I promised Steven I wouldn't say.

Oh, My goodness, look what I've done.

You didn't hear it from me. Hold on.

- Male witches are the worst kind. He's not a witch.

That about does it. My work is done.


That was hot up there.

So, Are you a friend of Steven's? I'm proud to say that I am.

I recently installed his cable and we just hit it off. We burned a big time.

Are you guys going out a lot? Not really.

That guy is devoted to you.

You know, I'm probably crossing a boundary telling you this...

...but he thinks you're the cat's pajamas. You really does.

Did he say that?

Only every five minutes. Frankly I'm sick of hearing it. I'm just joking.

He's a good man. Yeah.

He mentioned that you guys have...had some problems.

Yehh, It's a little complicated. It always is.

You know, I asked a woman to marry me once.

She said, she wanted to think about it. We agreed to take some time apart. Reassess our feelings.

You know...Give each other space.

Well, She's no longer with us.

Ohh.. I'm sorry.

Sometimes you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Promise me you'Il never go bungee jumping in Mexico. Okay. They just don't have the regulations.

I promise. Anyway...

I've said too much.

Thank you.

Cherish him, Robin. Every hair on his head.

Excuse me.

Hello. I love you.

Robin? Yes.

Oh, I love you too.

That was so sweet of you.

Oh, Well..

You didn't have to do that. I- I wanted to.

Giving me free cable. Only you would do something like that.

Oh, Well, you know, I've been wanting to do something for you, but always trying to give you your space, so...

Maybe, We shouldn't be making more of it anymore. Okay.

So, Call me later if you're around. Oh Sure, I call you soon as I get home.


Bye! Bye, bye!


Are you ready to rock? Oh, The concert. Oh, Jesus.

What? That was Robin. I think that we are getting back together.

So you're blowing me off. I can't believe this. You do this everytime man. I don't want put up with it anymore.

Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else to go? Yehh, Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.

So, I'll call you later-

Pretty smooth work. I set them up, you knock them down.

What? Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced her up.

How do you know we're back together? Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, Steven.

I don't want you messing around with my life. I know, I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.

So what are you doing? Wanna catch a flick?

Look, I appreciate you helping me out with Robin.

But you have to understand, I'm going to have to work *extra* hard to not screw this relationship up again.

You're a very nice guy, but I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend.


So, What are you trying to say? I don't want to be your friend.

I appreciate your honesty. You're a real straight shooter.

So you're all right? Hey, I'm a big boy.

It's no big deal. Whatever.

You're sure? Uh-huh. I'm fine.

Robin Harris. Hey, it's Chip Douglas.

Chip Douglas? The cable guy.

Hi, What's up? I feel kinda weird calling you just, I'm worried about Steven.

What is it? Well, something isn't right. Doesn't seem like himselfs lately.

Have you noticed anything or...ahh? No. Actually things are going really well.

Good. That makes me feel better.

Well, Should I be worried? No. I'm probably just been nervous in ally.

Let's just keep our eyes open.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Alright,Just let it put yourself here. Stevie, you did it, man.

You took your cajones and mine and you put them on the table and you slam-dunked it.

Ready to go. Now asked probably give him my job.

On to the next order of business. Steven, I need to talk to you.

...get down to an order finding an architect.

I really need to talk to you. It shall wait.

Is there a Steven Kovacs in here? Oh Yeah. I'm Steven Kovacs. What's the problem?

You're under arrest son. What did he do?

Receiving stolen property.

What? I don't know anything about it. Do not speak until spoken to.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say maybe used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to an attorney. Do you understand? But, I didn't accept any stolen goods.

Deluxe karaoke machine. Big-screen TV.

Cream in his pants...

I can't believe you did this. I didn't do anything.

He gave you a big-screen TV and a Hi-Fi system as a present?

You aspect me to believe that. You know, you're killing your mother with this.

I swear it's true. Why would you accept such extravagant gifts?

I don't know. I shouldn't have. What's really going on here Steven? Are you on some...Are you taking the pot?

I'm fine. I didn't do anything! Just call my cable guy.

Steven, the police looked into it. Nobody named Chip Douglas works for the cable company.

This is a mistake. This can't be happening. Yes it is and It's killing your mother.

When can you get me out of here? Well, unfortunate there's no time to get a bail hearing today.

You gonna have to spend the weekend in county lockup.

Look at the pretty boy! Shut-up!

...and they call me to pump and I'll be your friend.

Lock down!

You hear anything?

Hello Steven! I came as soon as I could.

What's your real name? It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now.

We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I think I saw the loophole in your case.

I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.

Why are you doing this to me? I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.

You set me up. No. I taught you a lesson.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

I'm just here to comfort you.

Come on, Touch it. Come on, You need human contact. Touch it.

I will not touch it.

What are you doing? Stop it, Stop it. I know how you're feeling right now!

Stop it, stop it. Don't do that. I'm here for you!

Don't do that! Jesus christ! You're gonna get me killed!

Oh, Billy.

I'm just messing with you.

Remember Midnight Express? Oliver Stone won the Academy Award for best screenplay.

Awesome-awesome scene.

Sir, This is the man who framed me. He's right here. He set me up. Arrest him.

Hey, Bernie, how's that sports package? Alright.

Ohh By the way! Don't worry about Robin. I'll make sure she is well taking care of.

If you go near her, I'll kill you. That's it. Come on, let's go!

This concludes our broadcast day.


You bet your ass, You've been blowing me off. Well, this guy is really been doing a number on me.

I told you not to hangout with him. You tell me to offer him money and get free cable.

Did I...tell you to have a karaoke jam with him?

Rick, I'm out on bail.

Ok, I'll see if I can get my friend and research to track him down. What do you say his name was?

Well, He calls himself Larry Tate. But he told me, his name is Chip Douglas.

Chip Douglas! Chip Douglas! Why this is sounds so familiar.

Are you okay? Yehh, I'm fine.

You're not fine. When you say you're fine, I know that you're not fine. I just want to get this over with.

I hate visiting my parents.

Is this guy cool? I'm just joking. Come on in, you psycho.

What is he doing here? I invited him.

You invited him... When?

At lunch, the other day. At lunch the other day, you have lunch with him...?

You look great. And you are a vision.

Hello Steven! You look rested. Come here.

What's wrong Steven!? You seems some weird energy from you.

Yehh maybe that's because I just got out of jail where you sent me.

I should just take you to the police, Right now. You can if you like.

But I'd hate that for sure Robin this.

Bastard! Come on Steven! Let's just have a good time tonight.

So, Steven is carrying his battle axe and he's chasing me. Wave it around like a mad man.

So I says to him I says, "Hey, it's just a show! What are you trying to prove?"

He's always taking things too seriously. Totally, certain I don't know, the guy almost took my head off.

You guys have never played Porno Password? It's the adult version of the popular television game show.

Robin, you're on my team. Steven, you're with Mom.

You're the judges.

Pick a word.

The password is...


I really don't want to play this game. Come on, Steven.


Woman. Man?


Penis. Vagina?

Yes! Yes!

She got vagina!

I would have said "schlong." Hey, Now we're starting to get this!

The password is...


Can I pass? Come on, Steven. Don't be a stick in the mud.



Remember his clue.


Erection? No. But thanks for noticing.

Your turn! Center.


Center! Nipple?

She got it! Mom.

The password is...

I'm not quite sure how to say this.

You know that little thing...

No. I can't say that to my mother. Hey, She's a grown woman. She can handle it.

No, I won't do it. I'm not gonna do it. I don't want to play anymore. I've had enough! That's it.

It's just skin, Steven. No, I had enough I don't want to do it anymore! I'm not playing porno password with him.

Steven, I really think, you're overreacting. I'm not overreacting. You all being fooled by him.

He's not like this. He's a lunatic and is a felon. Wooo...Everybody just relax.

We knew this is gonna happen. Nothing is happening, Nothing is happening!

Steven! This is a safe place. You're with people who love you. Right everyone?

Yes! We love you. I hate you! Get out of my life!

He's projecting all of his anger on to me. Maybe I should go. No. Don't go.

Steven! You are being an asshole. What?

Do you see what's happening right now?

You're hitting bottom. You stay away from me.

Come on now.

This is where the healing begins. Come on...Come on.

Robin showed me the birthmark on her left shoulder. It's very sexy. Slurrrrppp.


What the hell is wrong with you man?

Thank you for the delightful evening everyone. I guess I'll be leaving now.

I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.

Did anybody notice I'm late? What you talking about? You've been here for an hour.

- How's Hal? Of, Don't get me started. That man, he has no vision.

It's like working for Mr. Magoo. now for only somebody purple would wiseup and dump Hal.

- And those hair plugs...Just so awful to look at. I know.

- Hair plugs...Hair plugs...Hair plugs...I know...I know...I know. Oh, shit.

He's so pathetic. I think I hate him. Hate him...

If only somebody purple would wiseup and dump Hal.

I... I don't hate you.

- Those hair plugs. Get out.

Chip! Chip.

This isn't funny!

Where are you?

If you build it, he will come.

Hello? Bingo! My Three Sons.

Chip and Ernie Douglas. I got a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years.

Check out some of these names - Murray Slaughter.

George Jetson. Jean-Luc Picard.

There is even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu". Carmine from Laverne & Shirley.

That's so sad that you know that.

Anyway, the cable company in town fired a guy six months ago...

...named Darrin Stevens.

You may remember his boss...Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched.

So, he doesn't even work for the cable company? Yahtzee!

They booted his ass for stalking customers.

This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.

New developments breaking in the Sam Sweet Trial.

The jury has notified the judge that they are close to a verdict.

And would like to continue deliberating into the evening hours. We'll keep you updated as events gone. The day started real nice here in southern will.

But now the moisture is increasing. And the clouds are wowering and thickening. That time center of the weather radar, we see strong thunderstorms...

Cable guy!

Cable guy!

Cable guy!

Cabloce gaauy!

Ca....ble gaaaaaauy!

Okay, I'm going! Take it off.

See you! Bye.

I just want to hang out! No big deal!

Hello? What a shame! We could have been blood brothers.

But you're too needy. It's a real turn-off. Ask Robin.

Rick told me that you are fired from the cable company. You're not even a real cable guy.

Can you hold on a second. I have call waiting.

Knock it off. I know it's you. Sorry about that. Where was I?

Don't do this. There must be something, we can do to work this out? I wish we could.

I'm just so tired, Steven. So very tired. Look, Can we talk in person. Where are you?

I'd love to chat, but I'm getting together with a lady friend.

You might know her. Stay away from her!

Goodbye, Steven. Click.


Robin! She just left with the man from the cable company!

You don't know, where they were going? No But, I heard him say they were gonna go for ride on the information super highway.

The future is now!

Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer!

You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female mud wrestling on another.

You can do your shopping at home, or play mortal combat with a friend in Vietnam.

I want to go home now. I'm worried about Steven.

Steven. Steven.

Steven, Steven, Steven.

Help! Robin!

Where are you?

Steven! I'm coming!

Help me! Hang on!

Steven, look out! Yes, Steven! Look out!

"Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld."

Leave him alone!

I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie six times. It rules!

Isn't it funny that we ended up in this position. Seriously?

You gonna have to do better than that, Steven.

Steven? Steven.

My lisp is gone!

You stupid son-of-a-bitch.

Stop it! Steven! I'm coming!

You know, the trouble with real life is, there's no danger music.

Nice jump, Spiderman!

Oh, God.

Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz!

"Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"

Skooch-skooch over just a tad.

Oh, Here comes our hero. Okay. Easy.

It didn't have to be this way Steven. Well, What are you up to? What are you planning to do?

I don't really have a plan, Insect.

It pre much gone moment to moment right now. winging it really.

You got to admit though, it's a pretty cool place for an ending.

An ending to what? It's like a movie "GoldenEye".

No Its not, its not like anything. This isn't a movie! This is reality! There's a difference.

This is the police. You're trespassing in a restricted area.

I just wanted to be your friend...

...but I screwed it up.

You are in a high-voltage restricted area. What's that?

Come again?

Oh I see. You want to quiet down and just chill out in front of the TV for while. Is that it?

You were never there for me, were you, Mother?

You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me.

I'm the bastard son of Clair Huxtable!

I'm a lost Cunningham!

I learned the facts of life from watching "The Facts of Life!"

Oh, God!

That's it.

That's what I have to do!

No,no no . Don't do that. don't do that. No, Come down from there.

We...we'll all go out together and will have a Heineken. Yeah!

I'm not thirsty anymore.

See yaa.


You're not going anywhere!

It's okay! I understand my purpose now!

Don't do this. You just need help. We all get lonely.

Yehh, but I get really lonely. I mean look at me. Come on!

You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!

No. It's too late for me. but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance!

Don't you understand, Steven?

Somebody has to kill the babysitter.

This is the moment America has been waiting for. We have just been informed that...

The jury has notified the judge that they've reached a verdict.

We are LIVE. The jury is seated and the verdict...

- The moment of truth... Jacob Sweet has been found...

Help. Help.

Preferred customer, my ASS!

Squad 51, squad 51. Man down. Possible back injury.

Dixie! We're gonna need an IV with D-5-W bring me as I take to there.

Check vital signs.....need sterilite drip.

Prepare to defibrillate! Clear!


You two will get be just fine.

Take care of him, Robin. He's good people.

You never told me your real name.

You still want to know my name?


It's Ricardo.

Ricky Ricardo.

I'm just messing with you.

Let's go home.

Hang in there, pal! You're going to make it, buddy!


Am I really your buddy?