The Campaign (2012) Script

MAN 1 : What's it all about?

MAN 2: America, Jesus, freedom.

MAN 1 : Say it again.

CAM: America, Jesus, freedom.

MlTCH: And what does that mean?

CAM: Shit, l don't know. But the people sure love it when l say it.

How's my hair?

Strong. Real strong.

[CHEERlNG] [MARCHlNG BAND PLAYlNG]

ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKER]: Let's send him back to Washington.

Democratic congressman today, vice president tomorrow.

Here he is, running unopposed...

-Hello, everyone! -...Cam Brady!

North Carolina is taking care of business.

Just like you, every day, l'm living the American dream. l come from humble beginnings.

My father worked with his hands...

...as head stylist for Vidal Sassoon.

WOMAN: Amen! CAM: Very much the typical American family. l'm here today with my beautiful family, and l'd love for you to welcome them.

My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr.

-l love you, J. Lo. Camouflage. MAN: Get them, Camo!

And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar...

...Mrs. Rose Brady, my wife.

Love you, baby.

CAM: My dream maker. Thanks for coming out.

Cam Brady '012.

Our nation's security has never been stronger...

...because our troops and our veterans are this nation's backbone.

Because farmers are this nation's backbone.

Schools is this nation's backbone.

Audio-installation specialists and window tinters are this nation's backbone.

Because Filipino Tilt-A-Whirl operators are this nation's backbone.

And l wanna make you a promise today...

...that if you send me back to Washington, D.C., for a fifth consecutive term...

...l will let them know it's about America, Jesus and freedom.

We love you, Cam! l love you too.

You got a lot of energy, don't you?

[CHEERS]

-Oh, Shana. -Oh! Oh, Cam!

Your body's so toned.

-Cam! -So toned.

-Cam, it smells horrible in here. -lt's not that bad once you get used to it.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] lf it's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking.

This is bad, Cam.

This is real bad. Okay? l don't like those numbers at all.

-Just one poll. Those things aren't scientific. -Yes, they are.

All this is is science. This is math.

But if you took it and put it on its axis this way--

Hey, look, Cam, l'm telling you right now, it was the phone call.

CAM: Mm-mm. -Yes.

-No way. -Yes way. No, look at this, look at this, okay?

Sixty-two percent of the people that got asked liked you, okay?

Then the phone call happened. Then they asked the same question.

Now only 46 percent of the people like you.

Run through it one more time.

Look, before the call, this is you. Like Price ls Right.

[YODELlNG]

And then look at that. Straight down. l thought l was calling Shana. l misdialed.

And, Lord, we just pray that you bless this table...

...this food, this family and this nation.

[RlNGlNG]

Hey, Jared, let's let the machine take one for God.

[MACHlNE BEEPS]

CAM [ON MACHlNE]: Hey, Shana, it's Congressman Cam Brady here. l just stepped away from a family dinner to tell you l wish l wasn't eating fried steak. l wish l was eating Shana pussy.

Seriously, baby, you get me so hard my dick presses against my zipper...

...and it hurts like a motherfucker.

What else?

Oh, hey, l got your parents tickets to The Producers.

And, oh, yeah, let's do something crazy weird next time...

...like lick each other's buttholes in a Denny's bathroom.

All right, l gotta go. Cam Brady in '01 2.

-Okay. -Now, that was clearly a wrong number.

MOTHER: Right. -He is not listening to Jesus...

...because if he was, oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing.

Not like the one he has requested.

And that family's hopping mad.

-What do you want me to say? -You tell me. l fucked up.

Yeah, we're in a bad situation here, okay?

-What do you wanna do? -Get out front. Walk it back.

[REPORTERS CHATTERlNG]

We can't have this. lt's a behavior that has to stop.

But, congressman, you made the call. l have made in my lifetime...

...probably over 1 00,000 phone calls...

...of which l could say maybe 1 percent have been inappropriate.

-What is that, a thousand phone calls? -That is exactly 1 000.

A thousand phone calls have been rude, inappropriate, sexually explicit.

Phone calls l wish l could take back.

But that's only 1 000 out of 1 00,000. l'll take those odds any day of the week.

[BAND PLAYlNG SLOW JAZZ MUSlC]

LLOYD: Gentlemen, l can't bring this bill to the floor. l'll get killed.

There is no way Congress will let Motch Worldwide Global...

...put "made in America" on goods made in China.

Why not? The name of the town in China is America.

Oh, now, technically it's Mera-Kai.

My brother and l are job creators.

And because of that, we're also candidate creators.

[CHUCKLlNG] My hands are tied.

GLENN: That's a real pity, isn't it, Wade? WADE: Yeah.

By the time we're finished, half your district will think you're a Marxist...

...and the other half will think you've got every D.C. Craigslist hooker on speed dial.

Got it?

When the family plugged in their phone into the answering machine...

...they became consenting adults.

Cam Brady's done.

He doesn't have this district locked up anymore.

Let's get Brady out of there.

Finance someone who'll be a friend of the Motches...

...and help us change these regulations.

Who do we have down there that we could run?

Big Jim Santon's in prison for embezzling state lottery funds.

-Sad. -Well, Raymond Huggins' boy Marty? lsn't he the weird one?

Has weird ever stopped us before?

How, in the year 201 2, do they still have an answering machine?

Why are they denied modern technology?

Make the call.

Come on, guys.

TAMMY: Hey there, Marty. -Hey, Tammy.

-Good morning, Dr. Scruggs. SCRUGGS: l have no idea who you are.

Hey, Diane. How's business at Candles 'N' Such?

Such is selling. l can't move the candles, though.

Yes, you can, Diane. "Can't" is the real C-word.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, Travis. You look tired. Did you get some sleep?

Yeah, l'm just real high.

[CHUCKLlNG] You're hysterical, Travis.

-How's the turnout for the 1 1 :30 tour? -Just one person signed in.

What? Are you serious? What happened to the eighth-grade field trip? l guess the kids would just rather go to class.

-Well, l just need one person. -Yeah, well, guess who it is.

Mrs. Cutler again. She got a crush on you, Marty.

She's gonna have to get in line. Heh.

Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas, as l like to call it...

...is rich in history and flush with natural beauty.

We've also had celebrities pass through.

Eight years ago, actress Rosie Perez passed through...

[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]

...when she got turned around on the interstate and came to ask us for direc--

-Travis, stop, stop. Stop the tour. Stop the tour. -Now? All right.

[TlRES SCREECH]

Hello, Father?

Yes.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

WOMAN [lN SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Oh, l's a-coming, l's a-coming.

Patience for the tired.

Now, you just enjoy that view from the porch, now.

Oh. Almost there.

Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain't Mr. Marty.

[BOTH CHUCKLlNG]

-Hi, Mrs. Yao. -Oh, come on in, child.

Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks trying to scare up some catfish.

He's still making you talk like that?

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week.

Says it reminds him of the good old days.

MARTY: He can be an old coot. -Yeah.

[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake...

...fishing for some catfish to fry up.

Mm, Lordy, that sounds good.

Catfish.

-Marty, you stack of cock rings. -Stop! Ha, ha!

TRlPP: Mouthful of pubes. -Don't tickle. Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me!

-Full revenge, man. -Stop! Stop tickling me! l'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man.

You should see the look on your stupid face.

Ah. lt's good to see you, brother. Daddy got a little surprise for you.

-Do you know what it is? -Yeah. But l ain't gonna tell you, dick sweat.

-Bam! Ha, ha. -Ow!

-lt's still funny. -Come on. Let's not keep Daddy waiting.

MARTY: Okay. Hey, Daddy.

Now, listen up.

Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning. You know the Motch brothers?

And they feel there's an opening to challenge Cam Brady for congressman.

And, well...

...believe it or not...

...they want you to run for office.

Dad, that is like the greatest....

This is like the greatest news l've ever heard. l can't believe this.

All these years l've been begging you to let me get into politics...

...and right now here it is. l didn't even know they knew who l was. Motch brothers.

Well, l'll tell you this. l'll make you proud. l will. l'll make you-- l'll make you real proud. l'd say there's mathematically zero chance of that happening.

Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye.

But you look like Richard Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.

Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because l wore Crocs to Mom's funeral...

...like l've told you a thousand times, l'm sorry.

Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual. l don't even know what to think. l got so many thoughts running through my mind...

...about what l can do for the district and for the town, for the people of Hammond.

Give them a voice. Put them in the right direction. l mean, it's a mess out there.

Son, it's no secret we've never enjoyed each other's company.

You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad.

Hmm.

Did you ever get that calendar l sent of those animals dressed in human clothing? l was looking at mine yesterday because l bought one for myself...

...and it had a giraffe in high heels.

And l thought to myself, "Who thinks of this stuff?" l laughed so hard. l thought it was super cute. A giraffe is tall enough as is.

Then somebody thought, "Let's put a giraffe in high heels.

Maybe add a belt. There was a little bow on him."

Boy, you really are a sad little fucker, aren't you?


[lN MANDARlN]

WADE: This is the 14th district of North Carolina and the city of Hammond.

We are acquiring massive parcels of real estate under a shell corporation...

...so we can reopen three large factories.

Ostensibly, we own this district.

We think we can operate at the same regulatory and wage levels as China...

...and eliminate shipping costs.

[lN ENGLlSH] And your government will cooperate?

We also own the most important resource of all: a willing candidate.

Candidate. Your elections are unpredictable.

Mr. Zheng, there's something you need to know about American politics.

When you've got the money, nothing is unpredictable.

[CHUCKLES]

CARTER: Sometimes democracy moves with the stroke of a pen...

...and tonight Cam Brady will win his fifth term in Congress...

...simply by registering for the ballot.

That's the perks of running unopposed.

-Check it out. lt's a picture of my dick. -Oh, come on. l shaved my pubic hair to look like a 1 9th-century handlebar mustache.

-Man, put that away, will you? -l'm gonna tweet it to Shana.

-Cam, don't do that, please. -Too late. l CC'd you. Heh.

-l don't wanna see it. -You're welcome.

Next up, we have ballot confirmation of Camden Brady, congressman.

CAM: Thank you, Carl.

-Let's get this bad boy signed. CARL: Let's do it.

[DOOR HANDLE RATTLlNG]

l couldn't tell what was going on. l thought the thing was locked.

What the hell is this?

-[WHlSPERS] Hey, Becky. BECKY: Hi.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hello. My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins...

...and l'm here today to formally announce my candidacy on the Republican ticket...

...for the 14th district for congressman. l have, uh, my check and my application and my birth certificate all right here if you....

Wait, what--? Hold on. Hold on. What's going on here?

[GAVEL BANGS]

Hold on a second, Cam. Let me take a look at this.

All his paperwork is here.

[GAVEL BANGS]

Marty Huggins is officially on the ballot...

-...running for congressional representative... -What?

...of the 14th district of North Carolina.

-Are you kidding me? -Hey, come on, Carl.

-ls this some kind ofjoke? -Come on, Carl.

They're gonna wanna get to know you...

...now that you're challenging our congressman.

How do you expect to do that?

-Uh, say that again. -That's Marty Huggins.

You know, back in fourth grade, they used to call him Tickle Shits...

...because all you had to do was tickle him and he'd shit his pants.

-Oh, l remember that name. -Mm-hm.

[CHUCKLlNG] l'm Marty Huggins, and l approve this message.

-l've always wanted to say that. -Heh.

What the hell?

MARTY: l can't seem to--

-Push the door. MlTCH: Yeah, you gonna push.

Push it? Push it real good?

-Not good with doors. Heh. -No.

-lt's called a door. -Ha, ha.

Breaking news out of North Carolina.

Democratic incumbent Cam Brady...

...getting a run for his money by newcomer Marty Huggins.

Early rumors have billionaire industrialists the Motch brothers...

...financing a PAC supporting Huggins.

And with a thin majority in the House, this race could be hugely important.

You know, baby, l've been thinking. l don't like this.

Why does a Marty Huggins come out of nowhere and decide to run?

Baby, l'm a thoroughbred. l'm gonna smoke that clown.

Kids, put your headphones in. About to use TV mature words.

You know l love it when you get all bitchy and wild.

You listen to me, you dick dragging around a body.

Marty Huggins' daddy is Raymond Huggins.

He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager for six terms.

-Mm-hm. -He's got fucking juice. What have you got?

A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son.

She's got a kid?

[THREE 6 MAFlA'S "AZZ & TlTTlEZ" PLAYlNG ON HEADPHONES]

Ass and titties, ass and titties And big booty bitches

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

Ass and titties, ass and titties Ass and titties Last election, Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP.

-l want that VP nod, Cam. CAM: Okay. l wanna be second lady. And what are you doing to make that happen?

You're grinding your hairy crescent roll against any piece of ass that flashes you a smile.

None of that was my fault. l was powerless. l was plied with copious amounts of Red Bull, Jell-O shots...

...and GoldschlÀger.

Remember Dr. Jenkins, he thought l had Crohn's disease.

There were flakes of 24-karat gold in my stool for about a month.

[SCOFFS] l crapped gold.

MARTY: Was the nicest thing.

-Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady... -Oh.

...saying that, uh, he invited me to something called a civility brunch.

MlTZl: Oh.

Which l think is just a chance for us to share a meal together...

...and talk about the campaign and its issues...

...and make sure that everything's gonna be civil, you know?

That's a lovely idea, Marty. We're all so proud of you. l knew one day your dad would realize your true potential.

Um, boys, put down your utensils. l wanna talk to you about something real quick. l wanted to take this time...

...to say that we're gonna be under a lot of media scrutiny.

So if there's anything that you wanna talk about...

...any kind of secrets...

...or stories or fibs...

...now's the time to put it on the table, okay?

And if you tell me, if you tell me and your mom...

...we're not gonna be mad.

[SlGHS] l said the Lord's name in vain at school.

Mm-hm.

Well, l said l wasn't gonna get angry, and l'm not angry.

Okay. Good. l went to the petting zoo and l let the goat lick my penis.

What? What--?

-Now, that l have a-- MlTZl: Now, honey.

Now, you promised you wouldn't get mad, okay?

They're just-- They're being honest.

Okay. Maybe that's-- Hopefully, that's it. l had a beer with the old biker man at the end of the street...

...and he let me touch his old lady's titty.

-Oh, God. -Ugh. "Breast." l go to the mall and hide in a stairwell and take photos up women's skirts. l have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed.

One time l put a firefly in my butthole.

-Why? -To make my farts glow.

Oh, God. l shaved the dog and glued the hair to my nut sac so l'd look like a grown man.

Oh, God. l touch myself to Drew Carey on The Price ls Right.

God.

Okay, that's enough. Stop, please.

CAM: l wanna thank you all for coming here today.

Events like this give us an opportunity to show Washington, D.C...

...that we're not gonna stand for the mudslinging that's tearing this country apart.

Support our troops.

-Yes. -Yeah.

And with that, l would like to, uh, take this time...

...to introduce my opponent and, uh, my friend, Marty Huggins.

Marty?

Thank you so much.

Thank you, uh, Cam. Thank you, uh-- Thank you everybody.

Well, l'm a little nervous. Heh. l'll be honest with you. Um....

My dad always told me two things about giving speeches.

One, never say anything bad about the Jews...

...and two, tell an interesting story. l have two pugs.

One's named Poundcake and one's named Muffins.

Good Lord.

Anyway, Poundcake loves to get underneath the sofa.

And l know exactly why.

Because my wife leaves Milky Ways underneath the sofa...

...with Hamburger Helper on it.

And Muffins is always yapping at him, like, "Don't go underneath the sofa."

And Poundcake barks back:

"l am under the sofa, and l'm having a good time."

And they look at me like, "What?"

The other one's looking at the other one, going, "What?"

Then l walk in like, "What are y'all two doing?"

But every day, it's the same thing.

Just barking about one of them being underneath the sofa.

-That's-- And that's my story. -All right.

[AUDlENCE MURMURlNG THEN APPLAUDlNG]

Thank you very much.

CAM: Thank you, Marty.

Have a seat. l am sorry. Where are my manners? l forgot Marty's bio.

Didn't know l had a bio.

CAM: Mitch, if you'd go ahead and kill the lights. lf we could draw those curtains, thank you.

Little presentation.

Today we are here to meet Martin Sylvester Huggins...

...who was born right here in 1 972.

As a boy, Marty attended camp for weight loss and emotional stability.

[AUDlENCE CHUCKLlNG] ln high school, he was part of an all-male a cappella group, Dude Ranch.

At 25, he met the love of his life.

She proposed to him six times before he said yes.

Together, they have two boys...

...and two pugs, which, keep in mind, are Chinese.

They're Chinese dogs.

[LAUGHlNG]

And currently Marty Huggins works out at Curves...

...which is a workout facility for plus-size women.

Anyway, don't you find that interesting to learn about Marty Huggins?

That's my opponent, Marty Huggins.

Eat up, everyone. Enjoy.

Welcome to the fucking show.

[SNlFFLES]

Okay, Marty, you're not gonna cry.

[GASPS]

Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie!

-They're not Communist dogs. -Drive.

[SHRlEKS]

Move the car. Stab and steer. Let's go.

-Who are you? -Tim Wattley.

Motch brothers sent me. l'm your campaign manager. l'm here to make you not suck.

Now put this shit bucket in gear.

-What's this all about, Mr. Wattley? -Your life as you know it is over.

Your campaign headquarters are being furnished and staffed...

...and the Motch brothers have put $1 million into your political action committee.

But these are my things. l mean, this is my doily collection.

-And that's my sign. TlM: From now on, you don't own pugs.

You own a chocolate Lab and a golden retriever, two highest-polling dogs.

One of them will be named Sergeant, the other Scout.

They will wear bandanas.

Sit.

What about my pugs?

-Have them put down humanely. MAN: Coming through.

MlTZl: No. That cannot stay there.

You wanna put a live deer in the backyard, fine, but l don't want dead things--

No. You cannot have guns in here. Are you crazy?

Dylan is prone to intense bouts of violence.

Marty. Marty, they just let themselves in. l tried to stop them.

They want me to cut my hair like Katie Couric. l want a Bible on this end table...

...and an oil painting of an eagle over this fireplace, stat.

-l want Lee Greenwood playing 24/7. -Mitzi, they're just trying to help us win.

-Tim, where you going? MlTZl: No, no, no.

You do not take down my family.

Mr. Wattley, what are you doing? That's my wardrobe.

Not anymore, it's not.

From now on, you wear Men's Wearhouse for formal...

...and the Greg Norman sport collection for cazh.

And for God's sakes, put those beds together.

No. No.

These kids need some real help.

Either one of you throw a football?

Goddamn it, what have you been doing with these boys?

MlTZl: They're homeschooled. -They're good eaters.

We have 49 days...

...before this district of 700,000 people decides if they like you or not.

Right now, your likability is at 26 percent.

The focus group words that come up about you are "odd"...

..."clammy," "probably Serbian."

-That's an old one. -"He looks like the Travelocity gnome."

What? lf you really wanna help this district, the first thing you have to do, Marty, is win. l do wanna help the district. l love my home. lt's just all happening so fast.

Listen, l think Cam Brady can be beaten. But l don't believe you believe that.

You know what? l'm just gonna call your dad and tell him you don't have the rocks for this.

Hey.

You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley.

This might be hard for you to believe, but this dog has a ton of fight in him.

A ton of fight.

And when l get a scent, l hunt, brother. l hunt all day long.

So don't you ever insinuate anything like that again.

Call me Tim.

Complete makeover, head to toe.

No, no, no, not the pink one. Let me have a black one. lt looks like that Precious girl's panties.

Younger, stronger, smarter.

Hit him again.

Oh! Don't do that, it tickles, okay?

Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach? Keep the change.

Like Burt. Goddamn it.

Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?

TlM: Again. -Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?

-Get rid of this. -That's where l keep my things.

No, up. l need you up, like this. See the difference?

-Yeah. -Here. Watch me. Up. Up.

Swag. There you go. Like a man.

Right, Mitch.

No, l'm out campaigning right now. Mm-hm. l'm not taking this thing too lightly. Heh, give me a break.

You know me better than that.

No, l'm meet-- l'm literally meeting people. Hold on, l gotta shake this guy's hand.

Nice to meet you too, sir.

Okay, l'm back.

Sassy salesman sold me Sicilian sausages.

Keep it simple and direct questions to the talking points.

-My boy Spanx are too tight. -They're supposed to be. Now suck in.

When you meet Cam at center stage, shake hands but don't let go.

Pull him close, maintain a smile, and then lay some trash talk on him.

-Yeah. -Set the tone.

Right.

-You jacked? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, l'm jacked, yeah.

-Now you're jacked. -Now l'm jacked. Okay.

Must be hard running for Miss America and teaching high school at the same time.

Right. Uh, congressman, l'm married.

-l'm married too. -Good.

-Looks like we got a common denominator. -Oh.

-lt's a math joke. -Mm-hm.

-Excuse me, darling. -lt's good.

-Mind if l talk to my man here? -Sure.

-l appreciate it. Thank you. -She's very nice.

MlTCH: l just found out some interesting news. -Mm-hm.

The Motch brothers put a million bucks in Marty Huggins' political action committee.

Marty Huggins has a political action committee?

MlTCH: Evidently. Yeah, it's called HugPAC.

And l saw him on the way in.

They got him in a hundred-dollar suit and gave him a $5 haircut.

Looks like they just pissed away a million dollars.

MlTCH: Mm-hm.

-How's my hair? -Strong.

Too strong.

Good evening, everyone. Please welcome candidate Marty Huggins...

...and Congressman Cam Brady.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

Yeah, baby. Looking good, baby.

-Good to see you. -How you doing?

Hate to break it to you, friend, but your balloon's getting ready to pop.

And that balloon's full of your own butt toots.

[WHlSPERlNG] Are you trying to trash-talk me?

Might wanna decide whether you're gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave.

-Because your face is like a butt. -Oh, my God.

-You don't know how to trash-talk, do you? -[WHlSPERlNG] l do know how to.

-Let me give you some trash talk, okay? -Mm-hm.

You know what the difference between your mama and a washing machine is?

When l dump a load in a machine...

...machine doesn't follow me around for three weeks.

Now you go.

You should take a bath in a toilet. l just wanna do the debate.

No. Now l go.

You're such a little turd...

...that when you sit in sand, cats try to bury you.

You have a very vulgar mouth.

-Please let go of my hand. -l want you to reach down and touch my nuts.

MARTY: Stop. -That's what nuts feel like. Touch it.

MARTY: l don't want to. -Let me see if you got any.

Sirs. Sirs, we'd love to get started.

[AUDlENCE MURMURlNG]

-l'd love to start. -Me too.

[AUDlENCE CHUCKLlNG]

-Tim. -Get him something to stand on.

[CHUCKLlNG]

Thank you.

MODERATOR: Our first question will go to the incumbent.

How would you bring jobs back to the 14th district?

That's a great question, Carl. Thank you for asking it. lt's the first thing l think of when l wake up in the morning...

...and it's the last thing l think of when l go to bed.

Jobs in North Carolina mean what? A strong North Carolina.

And a strong North Carolina means a strong America.

And that, my friends, is how we're gonna do it.

WOMAN: All right. ROSE: lt's how we do, baby.

-Yeah. -lt's how we do.

MAN: You've got my vote, Cam.

Mr. Huggins, you have one minute for a rebuttal.

Just like we rehearsed.

Cam Brady just gave you the old D.C. Dip and Twirl.

Just danced around the question.

Well, l'm here to tell you, North Carolina, that when it comes to jobs for my district...

...Martin Huggins doesn't dance.

He rolls up his sleeves, puts his sandwich in his lunch pail...

...and brings jobs to the Tar Heel State.

-Yes! -Yes!

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

What the hell?

Let's bring back corporations to North Carolina.

Let's clean up D.C.

And bring your brooms, because it's a mess.

There was a clear winner in the first debate. Marty Huggins simply electrified this crowd.

Two hours ago, this congressional race was dead on arrival.

TlM: That was real nice, Marty. -l was jacked. l don't know what l was saying.

-Doesn't matter. You killed it. -Marty. Here he is.

Rumpelscrotskin, you been doing so good up there.

Who did this to you?

You could not have been doing this on your own.

Oh. l want you to meet Becky. Becky, this is Marty.

-Hey, Marty. -Hey, Becky.

BECKY: Wow, you were great.

-l thought you were married to Mindy. -l am. This is Becky.

Your brother said l could dance in your campaign video. l have a lot of experience. l worked for Jumbo's and Crazy Girls.

-Fantastic. -Well, well, well. Tim Wattley.

-You really outdone yourself this time. -Gentlemen. Very spirited debate.

-Hey, Cam. -Hey, Becky.

Hey, Becky.

Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some babies to kiss.

MlTCH: Okay. lt was like l was another person, you know? l actually have a baby l need to kiss right down there.

TlM: What's the matter with him? CAM: This is my district. That's my baby.

-Excuse me. -Excuse me, please.

Oh. Oh, you don't take a swing at my hair.

You little fucker.

No!

Oh, shit.

Bizarre news coming out of the 1 4th district congressional race in North Carolina.

Now, get this: Cam Brady, four-time congressman, punched a baby.

This is likely to hurt him with the Christian right, social conservatives.

Really any group that opposes baby-punching.

Baby is fine, and he said he punches like a 3-year-old.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHS]

After Cam Brady's baby-punching incident...

...Marty Huggins has jumped 1 1 points in the polls.

That is totally taken out of context.

Well, not really. l mean, you punched that baby.

CAM: ls anyone asking how my hand feels...

...after punching that iron-like jaw of that baby?

-How is your hand? CAM: l can't even make a fist. l tell you right now, though, l'm so angered by seeing that...

...l wish l could go out and punch that baby again.

MlTCH: We're getting killed. You're the best campaign-ad guy in the business. l got something that's gonna help. We tried to take a negative...

...okay, your recent scandals, and show the positive side of that negative.

Take a look.

NARRATOR [ON TV]: Cam Brady has come under fire...

...for getting it on with this woman, Shana St. Croix...

...a former professional cheerleader and part-time aerobics instructor...

...who can do this.

[SHANA MOANlNG]

And this.

-Yes, she can. -Okay.

NARRATOR: Shouldn't our leaders be men we admire?

We can go into all the great things Cam's done as a congressman...

...or we can just show some more of this little honey.

[CHUCKLES]

Vote for Cam Brady...

...a real American man.

MlTCH: l don't know. What do you think? -Oh, l fucking love it.

Shana's gonna love it too. She looks so hot in it.

Jesus, Cam.

Well, let me tell you something. This spot tested through the roof with men.

CAM: l knew it. -Now, here's the downside.

Horrible numbers with women.

MlTCH: You don't say. -Horrible?

-Yeah, that's not a surprise to me. -Worst we've ever seen.

CAM: You're kidding me. -No.

-"Worst" as in...? -ln the history of numbers.

Yeah, that's lower than l thought.

Okay, now, this is a spot to raise some important questions in the minds of voters.

We're calling it "Homeland lnsecurity."

CAM: Ha, ha. RlCK: Check it out.

NARRATOR [ON TV]: Al-Qaeda. The Taliban. l hate those guys.

NARRATOR: One thing unites all of them in their blood pacts: facial hair.

There's someone else, North Carolina, that has facial hair:

Marty Huggins.

-Right. RlCK: Right?

NARRATOR: Why doesn't Marty Huggins answer the question?

Is he a Taliban or an al Qaeda?

Are you kidding me?

NARRATOR: Why does Marty Huggins refuse to take a lie-detector test?

CAM: Why won't he?

NARRATOR: And where exactly was Marty Huggins on 9/1 1 ?

-Bingo. RlCK: Okay.

There's just too many questions.

Boy, that is solid too. Real solid.

-Yes. MlTCH: Uh, Rick, let me ask you this.

Has there been any sort of correlation between Huggins and, heh, lslamic radicals?

-l mean, at all? -None that l know of.

What-- l think what Rick's trying to illustrate with that...

...is there's still a heck of a lot of questions about this guy.

-Spot on. MlTCH: How are we gonna pay for these?

We're gonna run them both. Let's turn the heat up on Mr. Marty Huggins.

[LAUGHlNG]

Gentlemen, we're really counting on your support.

The guys at Goldman Sachs are prepared to donate $500,000 to your super PAC.

Provided, of course, you pick up the phone any time we call.

That's not gonna be a problem. lf you give us a million, hell, l'll let you sleep with my wife.

[CHUCKLlNG]

-And for 1 .5, l'll throw in my cousin. -l don't know if you want her cousin.

That might drive the price down.

-No, she lost weight. -Oh.

Mrs. Brady, are you playing footsie with me under the table?

Nope, that's me.

[ALL CHUCKLlNG]

He's a switch-hitter.

-Oh, no. CAM: No, no.

No. l did once. l did once, in college. Yes. Which we've never talked about. lt goes without saying, this lunch never happened.

[ALL LAUGHlNG]

MAN 1 : This question is for the congressman.

Why have you consistently voted against campaign-finance reform?

ALL: Yeah.

MAN 1 : We all know big money is running this country.

MAN 2: That's right. -Do they run you?

ALL: Yeah!

CAM: Hold on.

Why don't we stop all the softball questions and ask some real questions, okay?

Like why won't Marty Huggins here take a lie-detector test?

-Yeah. Take the test. JESSlCA: Yeah.

-Yeah. -ls he an al Qaeda? ls he a Taliban?

Congressman, please. l've seen a mustache like that before, and you know who wore it?

Saddam Hussein.

And l believe we never caught two of his sons, Uday and Falafel.

[AUDlENCE CHUCKLES] l am not beholden to Cam Brady's accusations. l am beholden to only one man...

...and that is the greatest American that has ever lived:

Jesus Christ. Who happened to have a mustache.

There you go, Marty. Amen, Marty. Jesus loves you, Marty.

Cam Brady, is it true...

...that you have not been to church in over nine months?

MAN 3: Good question. CAM: First of all, my relationship to God...

...is not measured by taking attendance.

MAN 4: Hallelujah.

Well, as a Christian, l guess that it would be easy for you to recite the Lord's Prayer. ls that what we're resorting to here? Gestapo tactics?

MAN 5: l would like to hear that.

Would you like to hear him say the Lord's Prayer?

MAN 6: You heard the man. -Fine, l'm happy to. Ahem. lf the media wouldn't mind turning off their recording devices...

...and closing their eyes as well, we can start with the Lord's Prayer.

Our father...

...Art, who is up in heaven...

...aloe vera be thy name....

[AUDlENCE MURMURlNG]

-[MOUTHS] Thy. Thy. CAM: The thigh.

Thy kingdom....

Thy kingdom come.

The magic kingdom.

As it is on earth...

...in a helicopter.

Give us this day our daily...

...pizza and let us digest it.

Forgive us....

Pass.

Forgive our passes we commit sometimes on womenfolk...

...with their dresses that are too tight. Like, that's a nice caboose you got on your--

[AUDlENCE MURMURlNG]

You know what? That's not part of it, l know that.

Keep your heads bowed, please.

Forgive us for trespassing...

...and do not lead us to the Temptations.

Because we are tired of them and their dancing.

And deliver us from evil with your mighty sword and falcon...

...forever and ever and ever. Amen.

ALL: Amen.

-That wasn't right. MAN 7: He doesn't know it.

-He does not know the Lord's Prayer. -lt's pretty close. l know the essence. l think we can all agree. Cam Brady, he's a mess.

All l know, if you say, "lt's a mess," you don't support our troops.

Cam Brady '012. l was the last one to say something.

Yeah, baby.

AUDlENCE [CHANTlNG]: Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!

You want a holy war, little man? You got one.

[ALL SlNGlNG GOSPEL MUSlC]

-Every day -Every day would be Sunday Thank you for having me at your congregation.

First time l've worn a Yamaha. lt fits nicely. How do you say "lt's a mess" in Hebrew?

[SPEAKS lN HEBREW]

Donkey Kong?

[SNAKES HlSSlNG] l have the faith in me.

ALL: Hallelujah. -Yeah. All right.

Mitch, l could do this forever. These snakes love me.

[CAM YELLS]

Goddamn it. Fucking son of a fuck.

Oh, the fucking cunt-ass serpent bit me!

Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my dickhole. That is painful.

Staple my tits to my balls and then do sit-ups. lt hurts.

Sir, words like that have never been spoken in this room.

But the fucker bit me. l'm sorry, the snake bit me.

-Which means you don't have the faith of God. -Yeah-- Yes, l do.

God has removed the venom from my blood and the blasphemy from my heart.

-lt's a miracle. -lt's a miracle.

ALL: Hallelujah.

-l can't feel anything. lt's F'd up. -Hey, you okay?

Hey, Cam. Come on, we gotta go. l feel like l'm maintaining. Am l maintaining, Mitch?

-No, you're not. You look horrible. Come on. -Let's get a couple of burritos.

[ALL LAUGHlNG]

[GROANS]

[YELLlNG]

[ALL GASP]

Oh, my God.

Cam. Cam! Where'd he go?

-He has ascended. -Cam! lt's a miracle.

l gotta cool down. l gotta cool down. Oh.

Oh, the venom's coursing through my veins.

Suck the venom out.

Oh! The venom's giving me an erection. l need-- l need roughage. l need roughage.

[YELPS]

[GRUNTlNG]

[SCREECHES]

[GROWLlNG]

[CHUCKLlNG]

Oh.

Oh, l landed on Nazareth, and l would like to buy a manger.

[MENDENHALLS SCREAMlNG]

[ALL SCREAMlNG]

Cam Brady, have you not wrought enough evil on this home?!

[SCREAMlNG]

Why?!

[CAM MOANlNG]

Don't worry, we're gonna get you home, get you a couple Advil.

You'll be right as rain, okay?

Now, a poll conducted this afternoon shows the congressman...

...getting a two-point bump from the incident.

REPORTER: Why were you handling dangerous snakes without a professional present?

For the poops.

Mitzi, look at this.

Cam Brady got a two-point bump out of a--

-l was watching that. -No, Marty. We have to talk.

You're never home, and when you are, it's all politics.

Gosh, l am so flustered.

Everybody's got me running every which way but loose. l just wanna get back to the basics. l miss you.

Let's just have one night like we used to.

No Tim Wattley.

Just the family.

That sounds like a little slice of heaven.

[LAUGHlNG]

[MARTY SHRlEKS]

[ALL LAUGHlNG]

What the fuck is going on in here?

You kids go upstairs, wash your filthy faces, and get to bed.

Hurry up!

Are you gonna let him talk to our children that way?

-Let me handle this. -l know you're Marty's wife, but l swear...

...get out before l lose my shit.

-Marty. -Now, Mr. Wattley.

Marty, l need you kicking Cam's balls in on a daily basis.

And l come here and find you playing Hee Haw with the fuck-around gang.

-Oh, he's drunk. You're drunk. TlM: Yeah, l'm a little lit. So what?

You have an opportunity to win this thing.

Do you really think so?

You promised me this dog could hunt.

Can you do that?

Yes, l can, Mr. Wattley.

That's my boy. l think l'm gonna take the children and go stay at my mother's for the night.

Mitzi, this will all be over as soon as l win, okay? l promise.

Just remember, Marty, what you're giving up for what you're getting.

[TlM CHUCKLES]

TlM: Come here.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yeah?

-Hey, Dad. CAM: Hey, Camo, what's going on?

Hey, uh, l just wanna let you know that l'm running for class president.

Good for you. Come on in, have a seat.

So, uh, what are the issues you're gonna run on? Figure that out yet?

No, no, that's boring. Nobody really cares about that.

But l did spread a rumor...

...that my opponent, Tommy Monahan, may or may not have a vagina.

-That could work, yeah. -lt will work.

Win at all costs, right, Dad? You taught me that.

-Yeah, l guess l did. -Learned from the best.

[CHUCKLES]

[HEART'S "THESE DREAMS" PLAYlNG ON CAR STEREO]

These dreams go on when l close my eyes Every sec--

Cam Brady.

What are you doing here? lt's 1 1 :00 at night. l know. But, uh-- But we need to talk.

Are you wearing a hidden camera?

-Tam--? Do l know Tamara? -l said, are you wearing a hidden camera?

Heh, heh. No.

The black button looks like it has a lens in it.

Cut.

Look, l came over here tonight...

...and l just wanted you to know...

...that l just think things have gotten crazy.

And...

...l want it to stop.

-Cam, do you think l'm an idiot? -l do not.

Okay, then take off that camera, please. l'm sorry, it's a habit of mine. l just-- l'm so used to wearing one of these things...

...because l'm afraid someone's taping me, so l tape them.

Yeah, it's okay.

-Where are my manners? Come on in. -Thank you.

CAM: What is this we have here? lt's a small-batch bourbon. By-product of the prohibition days.

Mm. Oh, wow. Thank you. That is smooth.

-lt's good. -lt's good, yeah.

-Ah. -Well....

[PANTlNG]

-Are they okay? -What's that?

Your Chinese dogs.

Well, pugs were bred with, uh, short snouts...

-Mm. -...so they could lock in and take down lions. l find that hard to believe. Heh.

You can Google it. lt's worth a Google.

Marty, l was thinking we could make this campaign a little more civil...

...if there were some way that you and l could become friends.

Well, l appreciate you saying that, Cam.

The meanness and the nastiness needs to stop. l mean, this race is for the people, isn't it? lt shouldn't be about us.

[DOGS PANTlNG AND GRUNTlNG]

Do your dogs ever go to a different room?

-No, l like to have them nearby. -Oh.

You know when l first got into politics?

The fifth grade. Heh.

Out on the playground, there was this jaggedy old jungle gym.

Rusty, sharp edges. We used to call it Jim the Ripper. lt got me pretty good.

Yeah, l remember that old jungle gym.

Thank you.

MARTY: You're welcome.

Well, in the fifth grade, l ran for class president...

...under one promise: to take down the jaggedy jungle gym.

[CHEERlNG]

And l won.

Well, that's a heartwarming story, Cam.

CAM: Ah.

Thank you.

-Thanks. -Thank you.

We are--

We are definitely going to CancĂșn.

And you're not gonna pay for a thing.

-Bye, Marty. -Heh.

-Hey, Cam? -Yeah?

-Are you okay? -Yeah, you too.

Oh, man. Whew.

[HEART'S "THESE DREAMS" RESUMES PLAYlNG]

[ENGlNE REVS AND TlRES SCREECH]

You know what to do, Marty.

WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Hammond Police.

Yes, l'd like to report a drunk driver, please.

[SlNGlNG TO HEART'S "BARRACUDA"] He's going to D-D.C. to be VP Whoo!

Barracuda

[SlREN WAlLlNG] [CAM LAUGHlNG]

Oh, fuck. Fuck me.

[CHATTERlNG OVER POLlCE RADlO]

-ln God we must. OFFlCER: Sir, please get out of the vehicle.

You have a great night.

-Sir? -Huh?

-Please get out of the vehicle. -Get out of the-- You know what? Absolutely.

And thank you for doing your job. l appreciate it.

Also, thank you for releasing me upon my own recognizance.

Sir, have you been drinking?

Yes, l have. l've had five or six small-batch bourbons.

That's a lot. l'm gonna have to ask you to take a Breathalyzer test.

CAM: Mm-hm.

We got a runner. Stop running!

[CAM YELLS] [THUDDlNG]

CAM: Try to catch me, Ranger Rick. -Stop!

CAM: Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Oh, whoo!

-Chase. -Stop the vehicle! Stop the vehicle!

CAM: Look what l'm doing. l handled this perfectly.

[SlREN WAlLlNG]

CAM: This car's so powerful. Oh, yeah.

WOMAN [OVER RADlO]: What's your present location?

CAM: Oh, wait, this is not my car. Oh, man. This is not my car. l don't have a gun in my car.

[CAM GRUNTS]

Take the car back. Okay, play it cool. Play it cool.

He's not gonna notice. Uh-uh. He's not gonna notice.

Control my breathing. l gotta control my breathing.

Oh, no. Easy, slow.

OFFlCER: Stop the vehicle now! -Officer, are you in need of assistance?

-l'm back up. -Stop the vehicle.

CAM: l'm back up. l-- -Stop the vehicle now.

CAM: l see you.

OFFlCER: Stop the vehicle. -No, l see you.

OFFlCER: Get out of the vehicle. -Hey, here's the good news. l came back.

Let's just talk about this. Oof. Hey.

-He fucking set me up, Mitch. MlTCH: l know it. l mean, l showed one moment of weakness, and then he struck like a cobra.

MlTCH: Absolutely. Hey, guys. How you doing? -You were charged with drunk driving. ls it true you blew a 1 .4?

Let's also remember that a responsible number of drinks...

...makes your body looser in car accidents.

-You actually suffer less injuries. -Are you advocating drinking and driving?

Thank you for your help. You guys do real good work. God bless you.

[GROANS]

-Goodness gracious. CAM: Oh, God.

-l swear to God, l wanna run these people over. MlTCH: l don't blame you.

[BEEPlNG]

[ALARM BLARlNG]

CAM: Damn it. l am still way too drunk.

CAM: We need to double up our fundraising efforts.

-lf there's money out there, we get it. -Right. That's what we're gonna do.

Did you hear about this corporation that came in...

...and bought 50 foreclosed homes in this district? What are you doing?

All right. Anyway, they also bought off a few closed-up factories.

-You know anything about that? -No, l've been trying to win an election.

Hey, guys, l heard what happened.

Listen, l wanna tell you, we had nothing to do with that DUl.

We don't run a negative campaign. Need a ride?

[BOTH CHUCKLlNG]

-Come on. We're not gonna fall for that. -Come on.

-Jump in. -Why would you offer us a ride? l'm trying to make it up to you. l'm not who you think l am.

-Get in the car and l'll give you a ride. -Are you sure? l swear. l swear on my mother's grave. Okay? lsn't that enough? Come on.

-We're gonna fit in that tiny little thing? CAM: Are you gonna make us pay for the gas?

You know what? My treat.

-Okay. -All right.

-Okay. -Thank you.

-This is very nice. -Wonderful.

The man's not gonna swear on his mother's grave and then drive off--

[HORN HONKS]

TlM: My mother's still alive!

-What did he say? -He said, "My mother is still alive."

-Oh, that's how you beat that. -Yeah.

That's exactly how you beat it.

l'm an American.

[AUDlENCE CHEERS]

And l believe in American ingenuity and hard work.

Unlike my friend here, Cam Brady...

...who believes that everyone should live in Rainbow Land.

[AUDlENCE BOOS]

Douglas, l'd like to say one thing. l'm an American too.

And l have no idea what he's referring to as Rainbow Land, okay? l'm referring to a 1 3-page doctrine...

...written by Camden Brady...

...called Rainbow Land.

That's something l wrote in the second grade. l think anybody that writes about the redistribution of wealth...

...sounds like a communist to me.

-Am l right? -Hold on. lt is the simple story of a teddy bear giving a pot of gold to a leprechaun, okay?

-That's right. -May l read from Page 7?

WOMAN 1 : Don't listen to him, Cam.

"Please come with me to Rainbow Land...

...where unicorns are made of fudge and cotton candy...

...and everything is free." lt's a fictitious place. Rainbow Land, it's fiction. l guess we're all idiots according to Cam Brady.

-l didn't say that. l did not say that. MAN 1 : Hey! Hey! l do not want to live in Rainbow Land...

...and you can't make me live in Rainbow Land.

MAN 2: Yeah. -This is America.

You do not have to live in Rainbow Land.

-You can go to Rainbow Land. -lt does not exist. lt's a fictitious place. l was 8. lt's from a child's imagination.

-lt's right here in his communist manifesto. WOMAN 2: Oh, come on.

-l won't go to Rainbow Land. MAN 3: Sit down. l said, sit the fuck down. lt doesn't exist.

Go back to where you're from, dick. lt's not a real place!

How many times do l gotta say it? lt's not real!

-What is he pointing at? -Don't worry.

-ls he pointing at me? -He sure the fuck is.

MARTY: Cam, you're a communist. -He's talking shit about me again?

-You pointing at me? -What?

-You pointing at me? You talking to me? -Huh?

-Fucking dickhead! -What are you doing? Cam, no.

CAM: What did you--? MlTCH: No. No!

No, no, no!

Your nickname in school was Tickle Shits. l'm gonna see if it's true.

Don't you shit your pants, Marty.

-Don't! Ha, ha! TlM: Go for his hair.

-You do not touch the hair. -Don't you touch my hair.

-lt's a $900 haircut. MlTCH: Don't talk about that, Cam. l'm gonna kill you.

Remember the politician that punched a baby? Well, he's at it again.

He punched Uggie, the dog from the Academy Award-winning film The Artist.

Marty Huggins is solidly ahead.

Rainbow Land is now number six on Amazon.com.

CAM: Can't believe you landed a national interview.

MlTCH: Mm-hm. -This could really swing the campaign.

Yeah, that's the idea. Let's get this bad boy. Let's wrap it up.

-How's the hair? -Strong.

CAM: Yeah. -So fucking strong.

My hair could lift a car off a baby if it had to.

-Absolutely. -lt'd do it on its way to church.

-Okay. Ready to do it? Let's do it. -Ready. Let's go.

Good evening. Welcome to Piers Morgan Tonight.

We start tonight from North Carolina...

...with one of the nation's ugliest and most polarizing campaigns ever.

-Our guest is Congressman Cam Brady. -Thank you, Piers. lt is an honor to be on your show. My wife, Rose, and l watch you every night.

MORGAN [ON TV]: That's very kind of you, congressman. lt's well known the Motch brothers are backing Marty Huggins...

...your opponent, with millions of dollars. ls this election being bought by the highest bidder?

Piers, this election is about the freedom of choice, simple as that.

Americans standing up for their freedom and their right to choose...

...whether it be in the great outdoors or with four black friends at a jazz club.

Congressman, are you taking money to promote Menthol 1 00s or not?

-Uh, come again? Did you say Menthol 1 00s? -l'm not saying the brand of cigarettes again.

Are you taking money from big tobacco companies?

No, no, no, l'm not. l just honestly enjoy their cool, fresh taste.

And the freshness that Menthol 1 00s--

-Easy. MlTCH: Hey, come on.

-Congressman, let's get back on topic, please. -l'd love to.

And what was that topic we were talking about?

Did it happen to be Coke Zero?

No, it was not Coke Zero.

Look, l'd like to say one thing: Marty Huggins for Congress in '012. lt's a mess.

You're taking money from Marty Huggins' campaign?

-To do a plug on my show? -Yes. l did take money from Marty Huggins.

But you can rest assured that every dime...

...every single dime, will be used to defeat Marty Huggins. lt's a mess.

Let's change topics.

Let's get to the toll this race has had on your marriage.

Oh, there's been no toll. l don't know why you would bring that up. l find that laughable. Ha, ha.

No, our campaign is just so steady right now.

We are really hitting our stride, and my lovely wife is a rock.

Really? Well, as a special guest from an undisclosed location...

...let's introduce you to your wife.

-Hello, Piers. -Oh.

[CAM CHUCKLES]

-Honey, what are you doing in the kitchen? -l'm doing an interview.

-She's here in the house. -Yes.

She's-- Come on up here.

Mrs. Brady, you've gone through this election process four times now.

-How has this race been different for you? -Oh, it's just been terrible.

For one, Cam has just completely let his body go. lt's just a whole mess of fat and weirdly placed hair.

It's like somebody dropped a glazed ham in a barber shop.

-Okay, that-- That's ridiculous. -Oh, come on. Come on.

Do you think Cam is emotionally stable enough to be in office?

-l'm trying. -Oh, God, no.

-You can read all about it in my new book. -Aw, what? l've sold the movie rights. We're in talks with Kate Hudson to play me.

MlTCH: No. -No.

Cam will be played by Yaphet Kotto, who you may remember...

-...from Homicide: Life on the Streets. CAM: Okay, that's uncalled for.

MlTCH: Holy smokes. Done. You had your fun. -This is over. Damn. You had your fun.

You happy, New York? You had your fun. Shut it down.

Why would you do this? You just killed the campaign.

You're five points down. You can't win this. l told you, l don't truck with losers.

Plus, l got offered a lobbying job in D.C. for Motch brothers.

-The Motch brothers? -Yup.

You know what they're trying to do. Get you to leave me.

ROSE: You got your baton, baby? JESSlCA: Yeah.

Come on, baby, we're a team. You're my rock.

[THREE 6 MAFlA'S "AZZ & TlTTlEZ" PLAYlNG ON CAR STEREO]

You're dragging me down, baby.

What if my poll numbers go up? Will you come back? l hate to do this to you, buddy, but we got bigger problems. l think you need to see this.

NARRATOR [ON TV]: Congressman Cam Brady claims to be a family man.

What a nice day we've had.

-Cam Jr.? -Mm-hm.

-The batting cages, the water park. MlTCH: Must be a hidden-camera situation.

MARTY: You were doing cannonballs. You were good at those.

CAM JR.: Yeah. -Seeing any girls yet?

-What is he doing? CAM JR.: Sort of.

Must be tough having your dad not be around that much, you know?

What is he talking about? l'm around too much.

I could be your dad.

-You can call me "Dad." -No.

MARTY: Go ahead, try. -No, don't do it.

-No, l'm your daddy. MARTY: Go ahead.

-Dad. -Oh, shit.

MARTY: There you go. That wasn't bad.

I'm Marty Huggins, and l regretfully approve this message.

Love you, Cam Jr.

NARRATOR: Marty Huggins, the father Cam Brady will never be.

MlTCH: Just take it easy. All right? Just take a deep breath.

Now, we ought to think about how we gonna get back, okay?

But we can't let emotion cloud our judgment, okay?

We gotta think logically here. Now, what do you wanna do? l'm gonna fuck his wife.

Great. No. No, you can't do that. No, no, no. l'm gonna fuck his wife, and l'm gonna go put it on television.

No. Okay, you definitely can't do that.

First part, maybe, but the second part, definitely not.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

You get my son to call you "Daddy," l fuck your wife.

-That's the deal? -That is the deal.

What are you pointing at?

-Got a book of bad ideas? -l got a book of good ideas. That's the first one.

Get my son to call you "Daddy"...

...turn the page, it says, "Fuck your wife."

Okay, let's talk about this.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG ON TV]

Welcome back, everybody, to The Price ls Right.

George Gray, who's next, please?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Coming.

Congressman Brady.

Marty's down at the tourism office, so.... l really like your hair. lt's very Katie Couric.

Thank you.

May l come in and use your phone?

[PLAYlNG MELLOW JAZZ MUSlC]

Cal Tjader. Best known for starting the samba-salsa jazz craze.

Yet sadly, was not recognized for a Grammy for over 40 years.

l find it tragic when someone isn't recognized for perfection.

That's very interesting.

Tell me something about you.

Oh, uh, well, l love owls. l collect them, you know. Not real ones, of course.

But l got some porcelain or maybe china ones.

[DOGS PANTlNG AND GROWLlNG]

There's some pretty grumpy ones too that kind of have those big eyebrows, like--

Oh, God, l know exactly what you're talking about.

-l'm gonna let these little fellas out. -Oh.

Come on, little buddies. Come on.

Get out, you little fuckers.

They are tiny little munchkin butts, aren't they?

They're Marty's dogs. They don't listen to me.

Well, l don't understand that, because l find you fascinating.

Oh, thank you.

Mitzi, l'm gonna cut to the chase. l've had feelings for you.

-Are we doing what l think we're doing? -l don't know. l tell you right now, my heart is beating like a phone book in a dryer...

...and l'm so afraid of what's about to happen.

What's about to happen?

This.

Ooh.

-Ooh! -Oh. l want you to put my head in the freezer while you do me from behind.

-Hold on, hold on. lsn't the freezer too high? -l'll get a stool!

CAM: Easy. Easy, Mitzi. Easy.

NARRATOR [ON TV]: The following commercial is rated TV-MA for mature audiences.

CAM [ON TV]: Marty Huggins can't even take care of his own wife, so l did.

MlTZl [ON TV]: Whoo! CAM: That night, Marty's wife voted.

-Multiple times. MlTZl: Good work. Attaboy. Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

CAM: Getting juicy in here. MlTZl: Whoo!

CAM: Come on, this isn't a game. l'm Cam Brady, and l seductively approve this message.

-Boom. There it is. Let's get this out ASAP. -Cam, you can't do that.

-Why? Because it wasn't your idea? -No. No, because it's porn.

-l didn't sign up for this. -Oh, really?

What did you sign up for, Mitch?

The Big Fat Pussy Who's Too Afraid to Do What lt Takes to Win Club?

You gotta calm down. You're going crazy on me.

-l'm crazy because l refuse to lose? -l think so.

Goddamn it, Mitch! Goddamn it!

My feet are taped to the bicycle on this one! l will do anything it takes to win.

-Hey, hey. -Even if it means lying!

-Or physically hurting someone! MlTCH: Easy, easy, easy. Put that down.

Or branding myself with a coat hanger in the shape of a V for "victory." l get it. Okay, l'm sorry, everybody.

Even if it means listening to Metallica in a sauna...

He's a little stressed out.

...while l do push-ups with a naked Shana on my back.

MlTCH: Come on, man. -ls that crazy?

-l think so. -Do l seem crazy?

-Or are you the crazy one? -You gotta stop it.

[SHOUTlNG GlBBERlSH]

Okay, sit down.

Sit the fuck down right now. Okay. Breathe. Just breathe, okay?

Now, what is going on with you? This is getting out of hand.

Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch.

-l did get a little crazy there. -Yes, you did.

But l gotta tell you, this is what it's gonna take to win.

Cam, l've been here for eight years with you, by your side.

And we've done some great things.

But l don't know what the hell's gotten into you.

What?

And to be honest with you, l'm pretty goddamn disappointed. l'm sorry.

Okay, well, get out of here. Go.

-Anyone can do your job. -Hey.

Anyone.

-You. What's your name? -Uh, Jason, sir. l just started here. l'm an intern. But l'm a poli sci major in college.

Okay, well, guess what, Jason. You're running my campaign.

JASON: Are you serious? -Congratulations to Jason, everyone.

-Nice round of applause. -l got so many good ideas.

Did you know that our government, we actually give tax breaks to companies...

...that outsource jobs to other countries? That's awful.

We've already lost 7 million jobs since NAFTA, right?

You get the fuck out of here. You get the fuck out of here. l don't wanna hear that bullshit. Hey, what did you major in in college?

-You! -Uh, sports marketing.

Okay. You're running my campaign. Take this down to the TV station.

Go. Right now. Tell them to run it. Let's go, people.

Let's win this thing for America. Right? lt's the first combination political commercial and sex tape...

...and it's got over 65 million hits on YouTube.

Cam Brady was supposed to be on my show tonight...

...but he's had to cancel again.

He's apparently dealing with a sex tape.

He's gotta withdraw his name from the ballot at the very least, wouldn't you say?

-Uh, a slight bump, actually. -What?

MARTY: And there's Muffins and Poundcake...

...in a parking lot of an airport Denny's...

...thirsty, alone and tired.

And then l find a wife who's forced me to wear the horns of a cuckold.

Look, Marty, l definitely did wrong.

But do you know this is the first time you've actually talked to me in weeks?

The entire country is talking about what you did. l know.

Tim says l gotta kick you out...

...or else l'll look weak and l'll lose the election.

When did Tim Wattley become part of this family?

Why don't you make up your own mind, Marty? l think you should leave, Mitzi.

At least until the election's over.

And then what? You'll be the old Marty again?

-And what if you win? -Well--

-Marty, you should've never entered this race. -Well, Cam Brady should've never entered you.

-Tim told me to say that. -Gross.

Goodbye, Marty.

We're out of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Check the pantry. There's some Froot Loops.

CAM: Okay, so here's the deal. lf l bag a buck, we'll get a nice bounce in the polls.

So, what l did is l bought a dead seven-point buck, l froze it...

...and l put it out by the lake in the woods. lt's probably defrosted by about now.

So get the photographers ready when l yell.

That's an awesome plan, congressman. What's the signal?

Well, you'll hear a gunshot, and then you'll hear me yell:

"Black Hawk down!"

That makes sense. Hey.

[DERMOT CLEARS THROAT]

Marty Huggins. l didn't realize you were a sportsman.

Sorry about that thing with your wife. You know politics.

Ho--! He shot me. Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!

-You saw it. You all saw it. -Way to go, Marty.

-Hunting season's over. Let's go, start the car. -Yes, sir.

CAM: lt went right through my femur.

Candidate Huggins shot his opponent, Congressman Brady, in a hunting accident...

...and went up in the polls.

Ted Nugent would be proud.

GLENN: Bravo, young man. TRlPP: Well, well, well. lf it isn't Dick Van Shrinkle.

[TRlPP LAUGHS]

We didn't have any idea that you had this kind of talent.

Well done. l'm only saying this because l've had about a dozen brandies and a bump of coke...

...and l'm a little emotional.

Goddamn it, l'm so proud of you. l mean--

[CHUCKLES]

You actually shot a man and went up in the polls.

That's something we've only dreamed about.

Well, l would've shot somebody a long time ago if l knew you'd be proud of me, Dad.

-Sit down. -Okay.

TRlPP: Well, the good news is you don't have to worry about the charges.

There was not a single soul who was willing to testify.

As of right now, you are 1 2 points over Cam Brady.

-That's right. MARTY: Well, l'm just super overwhelmed by it. lt's been a really good day.

GLENN: Well, l got some more good news for you, son.

We have purchased all the rights and large tracts of land in your district...

...and we will be building three factories that will generate 8000 jobs...

...and over a billion dollars of revenue per annum.

Oh, my goodness.

And we immediately sold that real estate and debt...

...to the People's Republic for a massive profit.

-l'm sorry, to who? -Oh. The 14th district now belongs to China.

[SPEAKS lN MANDARlN] [GLENN AND WADE CHUCKLlNG]

[GLENN SPEAKS lN MANDARlN]

Guess those jobs will be good for the district.

Actually, American workers are paid way too much...

...for us to book the profits we're accustomed to.

We'll be bringing in low-paid Chinese labor. They'll clock in at 50 cents an hour.

We call the concept "insourcing."

And we want you to start using "insourcing" in all your campaign speeches.

The word tested through the roof. lt just kind of seems like you're building a big sweatshop in Hammond.

You have factories in China. Why are you gonna bring them here?

GLENN: lt'll save a fortune in shipping. lt'll double the already-doubled profits that we make.

With all due respect, l thought we were gonna do something nice for the district.

And when you request those EPA waivers and concessions on minimum wage...

...the whole project will be a go.

Well, Marty?

[SlGHS]

No, l won't do it.

l'm not gonna be known as the congressman who sold out his district to the Chinese.

What are you doing? You're fucking up, baby bro.

Goddamn it, son! Will you do as l say?

Look, l'm not the type of guy that talks back to his father.

But l imagine that guy, and l imagine that guy would say something like this:

You were never there for me. This town was always there for me.

And by the way, l know when you were married to Mama...

...you were having an affair with that woman that looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

What you're doing is wrong. lt's dead wrong.

[SlGHS]

[DOOR HANDLE RATTLlNG]

Jiggle it.

-Jiggle a little. -Jiggle a little.

MARTY: l did. l mean....

TRlPP: Jig-- You pull-- Lift it up and jiggle it. RAYMOND: Lift it up.

-Shake and push. -Now push.

-No, at the same time. You gotta-- -Jiggle, shake and push.

TRlPP: Yeah. MARTY: There it is.

Nope. Now l got it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TRlPP SlGHS]

Do we kill him?

GLENN: No, no, no.

What we're looking for is a new, fresh voice...

...that'll wake up the people and harness their frustrations.

A savior, if you will.

And it turns out he's been right in front of us all along. l'm not gonna cry.

-l'm not gonna cry. -Rinse.

Jesus, Wattley.

What the hell are you doing in here?

Motch brothers sent me. l'm here to make you not suck.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKER]: lntroducing the new and improved Cam Brady.

Bring him down.

[BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRlVE'S "TAKlNG CARE OF BUSlNESS" PLAYlNG]

CAM: How you doing, North Carolina?

The new Cam Brady is here today to stop the talking and start the walking.

The funny thing is, there's still a lot people out there that say no.

Marty Huggins says no.

[AUDlENCE BOOlNG]

But we're gonna kick his ass, because that's how we do.

Whoo!

[ROSE LAUGHS]

Motch paid me 50 grand to make a few appearances.

We're not back together. Put your arm around me.

Now, remember, y'all have to support Cam Brady.

Cam Brady '012. Whoo!

ROSE: Y'all have to hate Marty Huggins!

Well, let's be honest.

We're getting our tushes handed to us.

You're only eight points down, Marty.

There's a chance we could make it up before the polls open tomorrow.

-Hello, Mitzi. MlTZl: Hey, Marty.

Look, after 1 7 years of faithful marriage...

...l did a bad, stupid thing. l got crazy, Marty. l lost myself and who l am.

And l'll be sorry for the rest of my life.

Well, you should be.

You hurt my feelings, Mitzi.

And l don't get my feelings hurt that much, you know?

But l'm to blame too. l turned my back on the boys and you.

And to the people of this town. l got all messed up with the hoopla of bigtime politics...

...and look who l am now. l ain't much of nothing.

Marty, tomorrow is election day.

You're not gonna win. And that means they'll destroy this town.

You've got 14 hours till they open up those polls.

We're up against some dirty players. lt's time to save this town.

Now, when you say something like that...

...l do get a little careless whisper in my body.

-Do you? -Mm-hm.

Be my Drew Carey.

Mitzi Huggins, come on down.

MlTZl: Oh. Oh, l'm dizzy.

Okay, people. lt's time to get to work. Let's do it.

KElTH OLBERMANN: It's election day. Polls are opening on the East Coast.

CHRlS MATTHEWS: Record turnout in North Carolina's 1 4th district..

...where Cam Brady is solidly ahead.

-All right. -That's how we do.

Ha, ha. Hello.

Stuart, do you still have those TV commercial spots available for today?

-Mm-hm. -Okay.

Hey. Hey, everybody.

Hey, shut up, shut up, everybody. Check out these TVs.

Hello, l'm Marty Huggins. I'm running to be your congressman.

I've spent my last penny on this ad to tell everyone in the district one thing.

I have not been honest with you.

See, the truth is, big money is running politics in America.

Billionaires and corporations have given me millions of dollars...

...to say what they want me to say.

What the hell is he doing?

And most of the time, what they want me to say is a lie.

Well, I'm not doing it anymore.

But on this election day, if you choose to vote for me, know this: l will never take another dime from any billionaire or corporation.

And to get the ball rolling, l will tell you the darkest secrets of my life.

On October 23rd, 1 996, at 2:1 1 p.m...

...l farted in a very crowded elevator and blamed it on a war veteran. l would like to apologize to that woman.

Last year, l attended a Halloween party dressed up as Lady Gaga. l felt so alive and free, l did not take off the costume for two days.

As a prank, when l was 1 5...

...my big brother told me you have to masturbate with your feet.

And to this day, that's how l do it.

[GRUMBLES]

This feels good. Ahem.

Everyone, turn to the person next to you, reach in your heart, and let it speak. l had an affair with the waitress at Ruby Tuesdays.

So did l.

[BOTH CHUCKLE] l run a meth lab out of the kids' tree fort. l'm your twin sister.

Sometimes when l get a little drunk, l let kids touch my old lady's titty.

Ninety percent of the time, l have no idea what the fuck l'm talking about. l tried to kill you in your sleep.

What?

Three times.

You see, telling the truth feels good, and it's what this country was built on.

I'm Marty Huggins, and this is one message l approve.

[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, Mr. Raymond. Here you go, your afternoon refreshment.

-Mrs. Yao? -Yeah.

Do you know what l like most about your Asian boys?

YAO: Hmm?

They respect their elders and do as they're told.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] You have been saying for years...

...how you want Marty to stand up and be his own man.

Well, he's finally done it. You should be proud of him.

-What did you say? -Oh, right. Uh....

[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Your son Marty be standing up like a man...

...but his pappy gots to support him.

[GRUNTS THEN SCOFFS]

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] This is bullshit.

[YAO GRUMBLES]

Election day winding down.

North Carolina's 1 4th district one of the last to call it.

And today opponent Marty Huggins did the craziest stunt to date.

Marty Huggins, he actually promised to be the most honest congressman out there.

Listen, guys, he opened his life up, and it's worked.

He's up in the polls.

The whole country is still waiting on the result.

COUNClLMAN: Ahem. We have a winner, as verified by the State Election Board.

And the results were as follows.

With 90,362 votes, Camden Brady.

[CHEERlNG]

And now for the results for Martin Huggins:

80,365 votes. Cam Brady wins.

-Yeah! Whoo! -All right. Whoo!

[BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRlVE'S "TAKlNG CARE OF BUSlNESS" PLAYlNG]

How can that be? We were up 1 0,000 votes in the exit polls.

How can that be?

Who's taking care of business now?

-Thank you. -We did it, baby. We did it. lt's you and me against the world forever.

MAN 1 [OVER SPEAKER]: Cam Brady!

-Thank you. Thank you so much. MAN 2: Well done.

Pardon me. Excuse me, thank you. Thank you.

-Mitzi. -Cam.

Sorry.

CAM: Hey, Marty.

Why are you so upset? You ran a hell of a campaign.

-l mean, you got a real talent for this. -You still don't get it, do you? l didn't do this for some career. l did this because l love my home and l wanted to help out.

Just like you did when you took down that jaggedy jungle gym...

...so other kids wouldn't get cut like me.

-lt got you too. -Yeah. l remember that jaggedy jungle gym.

-Ow. -Look at this.

[CAM GASPS]

Oh, no.

Doctors said it was the worst playground accident they'd ever seen.

[GASPS]

And l just dangled there for two straight nights.

Oh, good Lord.

But back then, in the fourth grade, l voted for you.

You know why?

Because you were a voice of the people. But that's when we was kids. l guess this is the, uh.... The way of the world now.

TlM: Come on, Cam, we gotta go.

[TlM GROANS] lt had to be said.

-Pull up your pants, honey. -Okay.

Here he is, the man of the hour. lt's been a pleasure running his campaign. Congressman Cam Brady.

We love you, Cam.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks.

So, uh....

So l won. That's great.

Marty Huggins did a crazy thing on TV today.

He told the truth.

So here l go. l am a great politician.

[AUDlENCE CHEERS] [ROSE LAUGHS]

Yeah.


-But l am a horrible congressman. ALL: No.

CAM: Now, hold on, hear me out. l hardly ever vote in Congress, and l never read the bills.

When l'm in D.C., l mostly Facebook old girlfriends...

...play fantasy hockey.

Words with Friends, Scrabble, Draw Something. l just enjoy being Congressman Cam Brady...

...and l was scared to death of losing that.

So l took a bunch of money from the Motch brothers...

...and convinced myself that selling the 14th district to China was a good idea.

All they care about is profits.

Not you, not me, not America.

The only reason why my wife is here tonight is because they paid her to be here.

[AUDlENCE GASPS]

WADE: Jesus, l think we should take our leave. Excuse me.

GLENN: He's a liar. WADE: He's a nutbag.

Don't touch me. We're both ex-Marines.

Get away now. Get away or l'll start slapping people.

But do you know which individual in this room...

...stood up to the Motch brothers and said no?

Marty Huggins. That son of a bitch fears no man.

He should be your congressman.

Sure, l know what you're thinking: He's a weirdo. l've often wondered...

...why the folks from Ripley's Believe lt or Not!...

...haven't broken into his house...

...and kidnapped him for a permanent display.

But l'll tell you this: He's one of the good ones, and l've actually grown fond of him.

So with that, l'd like to announce my withdrawal from this election...

[AUDlENCE GASPS]

...and congratulate Congressman Marty Huggins.

[AUDlENCE CHEERS]

Come on up here, Marty.

TRlPP: Goddamn.

AUDlENCE [CHEERlNG] Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!

You sure about this?

Get on up there before l change my mind.

MARTY: Thanks so much.

One minute you got your pants down...

...and the next minute you're a U.S. congressman. lt's usually the other way around, l guess.

[AUDlENCE CHUCKLES] l'd like to thank Cam Brady for his intestinal fortitude...

...for doing what he just did.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDS] l want the 14th district to know that you will not be sold to China...

...to Brazil...

...to Nova Scotia...

...or any other country.

-Hi, Cam. -Hey, Mitch.

That was the greatest gesture l've ever seen in my life.

-That was book-worthy. -Thank you.

-l'd really like to work together again someday. -Well, nothing would please me more. lt's a deal.

By the way, l hope you don't mind me saying this, but you look great.

-l started drinking again. -Oh.

MlTCH: Mm-hm.

And l want to end daylight savings time. l hate when it gets dark early.

[CHEERlNG]

Washington, D.C., l have a message for you: l'm bringing my broom, because you know why?

MARTY & AUDlENCE [lN UNlSON]: lt's a mess.

CHANTlNG: lt's a mess! lt's a mess! lt's a mess! lt's a mess! lt's a mess!

ANCHORWOMAN [ON TV]: Congressman Scott Talley will tender his resignation...

...over allegations of using federal funds to purchase his mistress's fake breasts.

Large breasts offer more protection to a woman's tender vital organs.

-Talley's done. -What a waste.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

-Connie! -l think you fired her.

Oh, damn it. Who is it?

WOMAN: Hola, it's me, Rosita, your new cleaning lady.

Oh, this is a big casa. lt's going to take me forever to clean it, but l do it for you.

[SPEAKS lN SPANlSH]

GLENN: Go away.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] This is a subpoena...

...for you to appear before a congressional hearing on campaign-finance illegalities.

You've been served, dickheads. Heh.

-What? -Who's heading this hearing?

[lN SPANlSH ACCENT] Oh. Congressman Marty Huggins...

...and he's going to go loco on your gringo asses.

[SPEAKS lN SPANlSH]

[YAO GRUNTS]

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Greedy motherfuckers.


MARTY: Okay, everyone, please. Okay. l'd like to remind these gentlemen why they are here.

You were spending millions of dollars buying politicians...

...spreading misinformation...

...and influencing legislation for your personal gain.

-Now, l think the re-- -[WHlSPERS] Marty. You're doing great.

-And l just love being your chief of staff. -Good.

Unfortunately, none of these charges are illegal.

Uh, that's correct, congressman.

The Citizens United ruling made that abundantly clear.

Maybe l can't get you on the corruption of elections, but l can get you on this:

l can--

[WHlSPERS] lt's a coupon to Chick-fil-A. lt's a coupon to Chick-fil-A.

Aiding and abetting a known international fugitive.

This is Tim Wattley, a.k.a. Leonidis Stavros...

...a.k.a. the Greek Butcher...

...a.k.a. the Greek Baker...

...a.k.a. the Greek Candlestick Maker...

...a.k.a. Dermot Mulroney...

...a.k.a. Osama Getting-Laiden.

Gentlemen, these are federal offenses.

My brother is responsible for this. l've never heard of Mr. Wattley in my life.

Boom.

MARTY: You're under arrest. -l've never seen him before.

-l'll tell you this: lt's a mess. -Whoo! l put you in that chair. l can get you out.

-This is a sham. WADE: Are you kidding?

-We make every decision together. GLENN: This is all you.