The Cannonball Run (1981) Script

Headquarters, we are still in pursuit of the black Lamborghini.

Car 42, you've been in pursuit for two hours.

Another five minutes and you'll be in Arizona.

Yeah, and we're gonna stay in pursuit until we catch him.

It didn't take us that long to catch Dillinger.


Hi, guys. JJ?

JJ? Victor!

Ooh! Um...

You're two hours late. I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.

Where the hell you been? Oh...

I'm sorry.

The fuel-injection system. It's driving me crazy.

I'm really sorry I'm late, but one of my hamsters had an anxiety attack.

I couldn't leave him till he was settled down.

He was acting so crazy, he ate a piece of tail, and Henrietta wasn't even bothering him.

Then he ate his treadmill. Whoo!

They got vets for that. We got other things to worry about.

Hamsters are a big responsibility.

Let me paint you a mental picture, all right, Victor?

I want you to think of your hamsters as a little army marching along on a treadmill, running their little legs off, just running as fast as they can, making that engine just purr right along the road.

Oh, JJ. What a wonderful way to put it.

Hm!

Wouldn't it be great if we could share the glory of winning the Cannonball with them?

That would be a real team effort. You, me, the hamsters and... him.

Don't start with him. I don't want to talk about him.

If you need any help... Damn it, I don't want to talk about him!

OK.

Sir James!

Oh, my God. You again?

Fenderbaum, do me a favor.

You're drawing flies. Get the hell out of here.

No. Wait a minute, Greek. Only thing I want to know is, how are you figuring the odds on this Cannonball cockamamie?

It takes brilliance and years of hard work.

And you wouldn't understand any part of that.

Do me a favor. A race is a race, right?

The only thing you gotta do in the Cannonball is drive steady, stay out of trouble and have a good cover.

3,000 miles, averaging 85 miles an hour.

Do you know what that is?

You want to talk or do you want a bet?

Anti-radar paint, turbo-charged. JJ, nobody can stop us now.

Nobody.

What are you, some kind of nut? Who do you think you are?

Dun-dun-dah!

I am Captain Chaos.

And this - this is my faithful companion, Cato.

Say hello, Cato.

Been a cop long?

That's funny.

You wanna talk or you wanna bet? You've got 50-1.

And you know what you got? You got yourself a bet.

Twenty big, large ones.

That's a million dollars. Ha-ha! If you win.

I don't know if you know my partner. Jamie, you remember Jimmy the Greek.

Hmmm! Ha! Jamie Blake.

You used to drive that Formula One.

When high-buttoned shoes were in style.

Let me tell you something, Greek. We got a secret weapon.

God is our copilot.

You'll need him.

God is our copilot? Mm-hm.

Remember our car?

Yeah. Two seats.

Two seats.

Where's he gonna sit?

Where?

Listen to me, el Porko.

We're not in the Indianapolis 500.

We can't have a car with numbers on it.

We have to camouflage the car somehow. Like what, JJ?

How about a limousine with diplomatic plates?

Nah. No.

I know. A bloodmobile.

Never stop a bloodmobile, would they? Nah.

Ice-cream truck. An ice-cream truck. You know, they got to get there before it melts.

Nah.

Terrific. We're out of beer, Victor.

Sorry.

Take it easy! You're acting crazy since this Cannonball thing.

I'm gonna pull in here and get some beer, all right?

How about an armored personnel carrier? They wouldn't stop that, would they?

Hey, don't bother to park! I'll be right out.

Thank you.

We could get a black Trans Am. No, that's been done.


Hello, Mother. I trust you had a pleasant day.

A nightmare. A living nightmare. You are killing me, Seymour.

Killing me a slow death with this idiot spy business.

Mother, you don't understand. What is there to understand?

I'm looking at my son, Seymour Goldfarb Jr, son of Seymour Goldfarb, God rest his soul, and heir to the Goldfarb Girdles fortune.

And what is he doing?

Walking around, acting, like he was some goy movie star named Roger Moore.

And for this I sent you to the best schools?

For this I'm spending 8,000 on orthodontia work?

For this I'm going broke, paying that Beverly Hills analyst?

And now... Ha-ha!

.. this.

The sleep-in maid found it under your pillow this morning.

What is the meaning of this?

The meaning, Mother dear, is a quick death.

I warned you not to interfere in my affairs.

Seymour, put that away. It's liable to go off.

I'm terribly sorry, Mother, but you know too much.

You see, in my business, even the deepest family relationships aren't worth a farthing.

Farthing, schmarthing.

No. Zei gezunt, Mama.

Oy! Where did I go wrong?

You know something, Mama? You're too Jewish.

We could always go with a nice, plain-Jane Chevy, with a truckload of Sidewinder missiles!

Maybe you should slow this down just a little bit!

I can't hear you! I said, you're making waves!

You're bothering the people!

What the hell has going too fast got to do with being in the Cannonball?

JJ, you're making very big waves!

Hi. How are ya?

Aaargh!

You guys are lucky. You tore the heck out of that boat.

You all right, Victor? Oh, I'm fine, JJ.

It only hurts when I point.

You know, maybe it would've been better, if you didn't pay so much attention to those girls.

Nobody's perfect. That's true.

Nobody's perfect, but him.

Sorry.

How far is it to the hospital?

About ten miles. Oh, yeah?

How long will it take us to get there? About four or five minutes.

You can smoke through traffic like shot through a gun in this thing.

Argh!

Jackie Chan.

Here's Johnny!

Jackie Chan.

Godzilla movie.

Michael Hui.


Excuse me.


Camel.

Not the Camel, schmuck. Winston.

Ah!


Starting tomorrow, you and George will be riding in the car with me.

Yes, sir.

How goes your driving, my brother?

Allah be praised, dear sister.

My speed is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!

And I suppose you still intend to go through that race with the infidel Americans.

The Cannonball will fall to the forces of Islam!

My dear sister. I pledge it!

Drink! Drink!

The car will be there, correct? Yes, Mr. Compton.

Don't forget to cancel the board meeting on Monday.

I'm going to spend a week in Spain at the castle.

Yes, Mr. Compton.

I want you to find an old friend of mine, a Mr. Shakey Finch.

He is the finest long-distance motorcycle rider in this nation.

You got it? Yes, Mr. Compton.

The board has asked me to express their concern one more time.

Please reconsider. Not possible, Arthur.

The board will have to permit me this one indulgence to my ego.


Boy, ain't he something? Are you kidding?

That is the dumbest thing I've seen since that dimwit tried to jump the Grand Canyon.

He's still on our ass.

I don't think... I don't think... I don't think he's a-bluffing, either.

Now, don't you worry, son.

I'm gonna lose him right up here at the motel.

Hey, I remember. There's a spot...

There... There's a spot in... right in back, and it's a perfect spot to hide.

All right. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

Take a... Take...

Left. Oh, hell.

Take a left. Left.

I can't see shit. Can you? No problem, son. No problem.

What was that?

That's... That's...

That's p-p-p-p-perfect.

That's better than hiding it... That's better than hiding it out back.

I know. But the only problem we got now, is we have to go and retune it.

All right?

Let's go get a beer first.

Yeah, let's go get a... Let's... Beer.

I'd like to thank Mona Corson of Westport for that wonderful luncheon of hemp sandwiches and woodchip consommé.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

This is a titty turn... Terrific turnout for the meeting.

Yes, terrific. He led the campaign to ban the use of electric toothbrushes during peak load hours, and to sound the alarm...

I suppose you, uh... came here to hear me speak.

No, no, not really. I'm into trees.

Ah.

Trees.

Friends of Nature love trees, so I come to the meetings.

That's very interesting.

I love anybody who loves trees.

Well, they happen to be a great passion of mine.

You know what I like best about trees?

No, what?

That you can lie under them on a moonlit night with the breeze blowing, bawl your brains out.

Mr. Arthur J Foyt.

Mr. Foyt. Mr. Foyt.

Give that sucker some juice.

The only thing hiding it... hiding it... hiding it in the... pool did was... m-make it p-purty.

It ain't running worth a shit. And it's wet.

I know that. Just hit it one more time, all right?

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

I know what's wrong.

Don't think for a minute...

.. that we in Washington don't appreciate your Mothers' March to ban the sale of colored toilet paper to, uh, help reduce irritation of the, uh... rectum!

But today, I want to direct my remarks to an old and familiar enemy.

The automobile.

All right. One more time. Let me hear it.

Ha! It's...

I- It reminds me of a, uh... a poem I wrote.

The automobile, the automobile...

Who was that? Get your hand out of my face.

Are you all right?

They picked on the wrong one this time!

I guarantee they're gonna pay for this, because when the going gets tough, the tough get going!

She's running good now, buddy.

I still think we ought to paint it.

If we're gonna paint it, let's go ahead and Midasize it, all right?

Hey, there's the motel.

Look at the parking lot. The Cannonballers have it all jammed up.

Man, I can't handle this traffic.

Hold on to your lunch pail.

This may get a little weird. Wait a minute.

Slow down!

Hey, you the one running this fleabag? Huh-uh!

Where the hookers? What?

Hookers, man. Where the hookers?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hello, Mad Dog. Hey, JJ.

You probably didn't realize, but the parking lot's outside.

I know. Brakes went out. Do you think you're the President?

Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear.

We feel terrible about it. And if they can't take a joke...

Thank goodness. We just had a terrible accident.

We'd like to help you, but we're off duty. This man looks bad. Maybe he's dead.

You should call the coroner. JJ, he don't look too good.

Nah.

He's just had his bell rung. Can't you do something?

I mean, you're professionals. This is our day off.

Will you guys do something?

This man's life is hanging by a thread!

Victor.

You have to be very scientific about this. It could go up the nostrils, affect the sinuses.

That's true.

Hm?

There.

Don't bother about the bill.

Just give him a couple of enemas and call me in the morning.

Hi. How's it going?

Perfect. We'd like two singles.

JJ McCIure, Victor Prinzim.

I'll be in the bar.

I always like a couple of drinks right after surgery.

I wonder why that guy parked his truck in the lobby.

Only in America. Get me 12 suites.

Better yet, the entire floor. Yes, sir.

Ah! Too much couscous.

I sure as H would like to get my hands on those Hell's Angels who were driving that truck.

But it's probably just as well, because I am a wild bull when I lose my temper.

I love wild bulls. Oh!

It's really funny that you should... Oh, my God. It's them.

"Them" who? Those Hell's Angels.

They could be part of a terrorist group. I don't know.

But this place is filling up... with some real hoodlums.

Did you see anything weird back there?

No. I'm gonna find out.

Why is it so difficult for you to find a doctor?

It's very, very hard.

It's not easy finding a doctor to take off like that.

Dr. Gay doesn't even leave his house. If you're gonna win the Cannonball driving an ambulance, you have to have a doctor in the...

What does Dr. Gay do?

He's my shrink. He was committed yesterday.

Why? He was smoking bananas.

He gets very upset when he talks to... him.

So do I. Oh.

Sorry. I don't want fruit in my drink.

Congratulations. Here's to you. Good luck.

Much obliged. And to you, Father.

You dumb shits.

They haven't got a chance. You know what?

I think I'm gonna call the Greek and put another 10,000 on us.

JJ. Mm.

What about those two?

Maybe... Maybe one of those beauties could be our patient.

Both of them could be. Woof!

Hm. I could be very patient with those patients. They're very lickable... very likeable.

Tell you what. Let's, the two of us, go over there and talk to them.

OK. I'll do all the talking.

Victor, you just think about the doctor. OK.

Argh! Ooh!

Oh!

Good evening, ladies. Evening.

My name is JJ McClure. This is Victor Prinzim, my executive assistant.

Hi... I'll do the talking, Victor.

Terrorists, my dimpled ass.

These people make terrorists look like the Sisters of Charity.

These guys are Cannonballers.

What is that, a bowling team?

We're the favorites to win the Cannonball tomorrow, and I was wondering if one of you, or both of you, might like to ride in the winning vehicle.

That would be very exciting.

Exciting.

But we're Cannonballers ourselves. Thank you.

They're Cannonballers?

And, as for the winning vehicle, well, we'll just have to wait and see.

You haven't seen our equipment.

Equipment?

Equipment.


Hi.

Hi.

Don't tell me your name. Let me guess.

Melissa.

No.

Juliette.

No. Betty?

No.

I'll just call you Beauty, OK?

Aw. That's nice.

Thank you.

Sit down.

Are you one of those volleyballers? Cannonballers.

No. Why are you dressed up like that?

Humanitarian reasons.

I'm a wealthy philanthropist.

Me and my partner, we just ride around in an ambulance, looking for accidents, trying to help people.

I don't think we were put on this earth to hurt people, I think we were put on this earth to help people.

That's beautiful. Thank you.

You must be a sensitive person.

I try to be. I bet you're a fan of Rod McKuen's.

I listen to him every night.

I'm into trees.

Have you ever heard of Joyce Kilmer? Yeah.

She wrote a really terrific poem about a tree. Uh... He.

Who?

He. He is a she?

She's a he. Oh!

Well, he wrote a really terrific poem about a tree.

Yeah.

You know what I like best about trees? No, what?

That you can lie under them on a moonlit night, the leaves gently blowing...

Sorry about that. It's all right.

What were you saying about trees?

I was saying, what I like best about trees is that, on a moonlit night you can lie under them, with the leaves gently blowing... JJ?

Hey, JJ, you'll never believe what just happened to him!

I don't want to talk about it. He had the most wonderful time.

I don't want to talk about... Victor, Beauty. Beauty, Victor.

Hello, Victor. You really are.

You wanna hear about the doc? He can tell me about the doctor.

Oh, it's about the doctor. It's really important.

We need a doc for the ambulance. It'll keep!

I'll just leave you two alone. But, listen, I think you should hear...

It'll keep! It's really important.

I want to talk to her.

Who?

Now do you wanna hear about the doc? No!

It'll keep.

Hey, Brad, old buddy! Ha-ha! How the hell are you?

Shakey. My God, it is you. Hello, Shakey!

Shakey, it's kind of tough to get close to you.

Last time I saw you, you were more svelte. What can I tell you?

In the pizza business, when things are slow, you tend to eat the inventory.

Listen, that's not good for the Cannonball.

You know that. You don't need a motorcycle. You need the Super Chief.

Even with the extra tonnage, I'm still the best there is.

Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.

I got a throttle that's been sticking. Why don't you fix that?

Boss, this is the biggest coup in the history of the Safety Enforcement Unit.

We're gonna blow this Cannonball thing wide open and then we're gonna hit Congress for a real budget that will allow us to play some real hardball.

I mean, this is our Three Mile Island and Love Canal combined.

Oooh!

Unnnnh!

What's wrong? Look at the chicks.

What is it? Look at those chicks.

Boy, if we were Methodists, what a shot we could have of getting laid right here.

Listen, I want to get up there. I don't want to miss a thing.

No. Yes. Yes.

All right. There you go.

Just as good as new. Give her a try.

That's it? That's it.

All right.

We'll see.

I don't think it's the throttle! I think it's the clutch!

Goodbye.

Look out!

Hey, watch out! Watch out!

Coming through!

What in the hell was that?!

Oh! That must be the entry of the National Safety Council.


Good day.

I am here to participate in your little jaunt to California.

Well, of course. If you would sign in here, please.

Hold still, Petey. Say cheese.

I realize the novelty of a major celebrity entering your little race, but kindly resist the temptation and keep the media coverage to a minimum.

Thank you.

Will you hurry the hell up?

Got it? I got it. Hurry up, will ya?

Man does not live on... on bread alone.

What concerns me is, do we have enough ice for all this beer?

P-p-p-p! Plenty. Mm-hm.

Yeah, well, how about food, son? Did you bring enough food?

Plenty. Get serious. Give me the rest of that beer.

Excuse me, good sisters, if you will.

Father, we do have a race to run, and we're running a little late.

So, come on. Will you excuse him, good sisters?

Bye-bye. Don't run off. Tonight's the night.

OK. I'd like to welcome you all to an event that's sometimes been called the automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.

You all are certainly the most distinguished group of highway scofflaws and degenerates ever gathered together in one place.

We're gonna have a lot of fun.

Of course, certain skeptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's most elite highway patrolmen are out there waiting for us after we start, but let's think positively.

Think of the fact that there is not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding.

Although I'm not so sure about Ohio.

Everybody is gonna get a card like this.

When you leave, you're gonna punch out here at this time clock.

3,000 miles, roughly, away from here is another time clock just like that at the Portofino Inn.

The difference between the two times is your time across the country.

The record stands at 32 hours and 51 minutes.

Believe it or not, those guys did break the 55-mile-an-hour speed limit.

Let's get that first car up here. We're gonna get this thing under way.

Go!

Victor. I know.

All right. Where is the doctor?

I got everything else. Where's the doctor?

I got 60 gallons of gasoline. Read my lips.

Where is the doctor?

The auxiliary tanks are full... I gave you one responsibility, to get a doctor. Now, where is he?

He got sick.

Listen to what I'm telling you.

You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare, get me Dr. Livingstone, get me Dr. Frankenstein.

Just get me a doctor. Go where the doctors hang out.

Where's that? Bars, golf courses.

Golf course, bar. Where else? Hospital!

Try there too.

My jet will take you to California.

It's time for you to punch out.

I'll see you in California. I love you!

A toast to us, you and me. We're gonna win the whole thing.

It's a cinch.

The more I look around and see these turkeys, I have...

While you're drinking, that truck to the left.

Isn't that JJ McCIure?

He's nothing. Don't worry about him.

It's the blimp next to him. The blimp.

When he puts on that mask, he'll blow your goddamn doors off.

You understand that? The blimp!

Is that weird? Wow!

It's a Nevada license plate.

And that's whiskey, zebra, alpha, niner, fiver, zero.

You got that? What?

It's... Just write WZA 9...

Here. Will you let me do it?

WZA 950. See?

Whiskey, zebra, alpha, niner, fiver, zero. Oh.

Oh.

OK, so it's Interstate 80 through Pennsylvania.

Pick up... Oh, that's a good-looking piece.

And cunningly disguised so it won't look like a racing car.

You know, the cops would never give that a second glance.

220 miles an hour, and they aren't gonna get a second glance.

Hey, when we get to California, I got a place out at Palos Verdes...

You boys gonna start this thing or just sit there and wait for that paint to dry?

Yes, sir.

How long till we stop?

Eight hours! Damn! I... I gotta go to the john!

Go.

Mad Dog, you are gonna take the shortcut to the interstate, aren't you?

We're here to win, ain't we?

If you gonna be a bear, be a grizzly!

My God, Pamela. Did you see that?

They drove right through those trees.

I love trees. Did I tell you...

We are going right down there and bring this thing to a screeching halt, right now.

Buckle up. We're going into action.

Would you mind?

Very civil.

Might be easier with your lights on.

Why advertise?

Wait a minute, Father. What?

That's a no-no. They haven't allowed that for nearly 2,000 years.

No, look. I'm a liberal wing, way out, on the other part of the church.

It's nothing at all. Keep flying, Father.

"Keep flying. "

How about just one of you?

Who says cops won't stop honeymooners?

Anyhow, why do I have to be the bride?

Shut up, sweetie, and punch the clock.

OK, go slow until I get my wig on. Yes, dear.

Old pal of mine, are we all set for California?

Damn you. Next time, Methodist. You understand? Methodist!

All right, pal of mine. OK, OK. You're all right.

OK, now, who's driving?

You're driving. You are.

I can't drive. Then I'm driving.

Yeah, I think you are. OK.

All right. Put me down.

You drive. You hold this. I'll get in the car.

Come on. I'm coming.

Somebody's hat.

Hold my drink.

Hit it!

Thank you, good sisters.

May the good Lord take a liking to you, but not too soon.

Bless you, my children.

Those guys are more juiced up than that Ferrari.

JJ! JJ, wait! I got the doc! Terrific.

No, wait. He's in the ambulance. This way.

Come on!

Before I open this, don't get your hopes up too high.

I was pressed for time. No problem.

Holy shit.

I'm honored, sir!

I'm Doctor Nikol...

Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of proctology and other related tendencies.

Graduate of the University of Rangoon and assorted night classes at the Knoxville, Tennessee, College of Faith Healing.

You may be a little overqualified for this job.

You got your equipment with you?

I never go anywhere without it.

However, in my particular line of work, I seldom need more than this.

Or this.

We'll talk about this later, huh?

Now, sir, before we commence this odyssey, which I understand will carry us across this grand nation, from sea to shining sea, there's the matter of my compensation.

I've determined that my services will require the payment of $2,000.

I was thinking more along the lines of $200.

For... Fortunately, my practice allows me a certain flexibility.

After checking my schedule, I find I'll be able to make the journey.

As far as the money's concerned, you got a deal.

We're off.

Here we go. Here we go.

3,000 carefree, madcap miles to California.

California, here we come, right back where we started from.

Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have a female patient in the back.

Thanks to your wonderful cousin Tessie. It's not my fault she didn't fit in the stretcher.

Doesn't fit in the ambulance. I got the doc here, didn't I?

Don't you ever tell me where you got him.

I don't want to know where you got him. OK.

I was just surprised that all the animals there were...

I don't want to know where you got him! OK.

Hey, maybe I could be the patient.

That's a good idea. Everybody would believe you were sick.

Wouldn't you believe he's sick? Want me to examine him?

JJ. Him doesn't like it when you say bad things about me, and you know that.

Thanks to you, though, we don't have a female patient.

And we've got to find a female...

JJ.

Damn Cannonballers.

Hi. I'm so happy you're here. Hi.

Can you help me with Mr, um... Foyt.

Foyt. Sure. That's what I'm here for.

Mr. Foyt, go around and get in the emergency entrance.

Come on right here.

There we go. Hit it!

Wait, I'm not...

Ow!

This is really terrific, the way you guys go around helping people.

Next year we're going for the Nobel Prize. That's where the big bucks are.

You forgot Mr...

Uh... Mr...

Foyt. .. Foyt!

Mm. Well, we got you.

We're batting. 500. Nobody's perfect.

I think you have to go back and pick him up.

We'd really like to, but we're on a tight schedule.

We're on our way to California.

You'd be amazed how many sick people there are out there.

They need our help. We could pick him up on the way back.

Victor, can you help me?

No, I can't. I can't do anything.

But... he can.

Who can?

Him.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Doctor...

My God, the perfect specimen.

JJ, you want me to start the examination right away?

I'm gonna like this job. Right here, honey.

No, thank you. Not right now.

Of course, man. This took 30 years.

Never be able to see us, the son of a guns.


I'm really sorry about that little lapse, Officer.

Normally, I drive right around the speed limit.

We all make mistakes, miss, but 160? That's a little more than a lapse.

What the hell is going on here? Everybody's driving like maniacs.

I don't know, Officer.

Let me see your driver's license, please.

Ah, what the hell? I can't penalize nice girls like you for a little indiscretion with the whole road packed with speed-crazy lunatics.

Here. You girls have a nice trip.

Drive carefully and take it easy. Thank you.

Come back and see us next year. Bye.

Take care.

Keep it in the road.

I don't know why you're pouting. I mean, look, we're taking a nice, leisurely trip to California.

And we're picking up the bills. This could be fun.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

This is not a joke anymore. I'm being kidnapped.

You can call it kidnapping, if you want to be rude.

Just think, we have a professional physician on board in case somebody gets swamp fever.

You guys are strange.

JJ? Yeah?

We got company. Yeah, I hear.

OK, Beauty. You lie down and be a patient for the police.

No. Come on.

Don't! I'm not gonna help you. You didn't even help Mr...

Foyt. .. Foyt.

Maybe I can help.

Dear God.

It's all right, miss. It doesn't hurt.

Give it to myself all the time.

Yeah. He gives it to himself all the time.

Show her.

Come on, Doc. Show her.

Show her.

There. You see?

That didn't hurt.

JJ? No, thanks.

Victor?

Oh, no thanks.

No.


Hi, guys. What's up?

What's up? Huh.

You guys are running 120, your little lights are flashing all over. That's what's up.

We've got a patient in there. You were still speeding.

She's, uh... She's very sick. There's not a hospital within 50 miles.

Where you headed? UCLA.

UCLA?

UCLA Medical Center. LA.

California?

This is gonna sound like a dumb question, but if she's that sick, why didn't you fly her?

Why didn't we fly her?

I'm just the driver. We have to ask the doc.

No.

That's a good idea. Why don't we ask the doc?

I'm sorry.

What's going on out here? What is this crude interruption?

The patient. Why can't she be flown to California?

Cysts. On the walls of her lungs. Very rare.

You see, airplanes are only pressurized at 10,000 feet.

Anybody who knows anything about medicine knows that she can't fly.

We couldn't even go through Denver it's so high.

Tell them to go back and pick up Mr...

Foyt. .. Foyt.

Is that lady all right?

She's in great pain.

Causes her to make certain delirious... drememium...

I'm deliri...

Sounds like she's on something to me. Let me explain something to you.

We have to get the senator's wife to California in 72 hours.

Do you understand what I'm saying? We ha...

We have to get the senator's wife to California in 72 hours.

We're very close.

Well, as long as you're in New Jersey, I want you fellas to take it easy.

You got that? We sure do.

Thanks a lot. Get this rig outta here.

I'm glad there's no cupcakes like that in New Jersey.

You haven't met my brother-in-law, Ralph.

I thought that cop was gonna have a cardiac arrest when we said we were going to California.

Wasn't Beauty terrific?

The lady was splendid.

She should have her picture on the cover of the AMA journal.

AMA journal.

I'm sure that doctor's a very sweet man, basically.

Thanks.

But don't you ever tell me where you found him.

Ever. it's the damn Cannonball for sure.

They blasted away right in front of my eyes.

And they kidnapped a girl named Pamela Glover, just like it was the goddamn Red Brigade or something.

But I... No, I've got them.

This time I've got them.

Ohio? Yes. Ohio has been notified.

Yeah. Ohio has been notified.

And Missouri. And California.

We'll get them, and I'm gonna be there to handle it.

You can count on it.

Yeah.

Listen, I've got two minutes to catch my flight. Yeah. Bye.

Hey. Hey!

Madam. Madam! Madam?

I'm no madam. I'm a decent, respectable woman.

I don't even own a house. I live in an apartment.

Now get off my case. I'm late for my plane.

Oh!

Well, then, after my career in the RAF... The what?

The Royal Air Force. Oh.

Do you mind if I have a cigarette? Go ahead. They're your lungs.

Well, I had a chestful of citations, medals, that sort of thing, and then I drifted in playing a rather popular...

Not that one, darling, please.

We don't want you leaving so shortly after the trip has begun, do we?

No, of course not.

Then I drifted into playing a rather popular character on a television series.

It's still in syndication, you know.

Puff away.

Thanks a lot, ladies. But I would take it a little easier.

Some of the officers up the road might not be as understanding.

Thank you so much, Officer. We really do appreciate that warning.

And if you're ever up in Duluth, remember to look me up.

I got the number. You can count on it.

How's the patient?

She's alive.

Looks like she survived the procedure.

What procedure?

If you guys laid a finger on me...

No, I just gave her a little prick.

With this.

Super Chief, lean forward so I can get the front wheel on the ground.

Stop kidding. I am.

Pull over! We want to give you our blessings.

JJ. There are two priests in that car over there.

What?

They want us to pull over.

Victor. Yeah.

They're two priests driving a Ferrari.

When's the last time you saw two priests driving a Ferrari?

They taking the bingo money home? They're doing the work of the Lord.

In a Ferrari, they can do it faster, that's all.

Pull over!

We want to bless you!

Victor. Yeah?

One of the priests is black.

Oh, yeah. They have black priests. They do?

Oh, sure. They have a black cardinal.

Oh! They do want us to pull over. They want to bless us. Can we?

Let me get this straight.

You want us to pull over and be blessed by a black priest in a red Ferrari?

Couldn't hurt.

Oy vey!

Nice car, Father. Thank you, asshole.

Hello, Father. Nice-looking car.

That's what everybody... He even said it.

I want to thank you for stopping, son, 'cause we always stop the ambulance so we can bless whosever's in there.

And you paramedics are doing such a wonderful job.

We're in kind of a hurry, so if you can just bless it and then we can...

Oh. I gotta bless her. I'm sorry, Father. She's a Zen Buddhist.

You're not, so you can't bless her. We specialize in blessing Zen Buddhists.

Yeah.

Oh... Yes?

Second thought, Father, you want to bless him?

We need all the help we can get. Just give him a little shot.

Thank you, Father. You're quite welcome.

You did a good job. Thank you.

Thank you, Father.

Why don't you take that piece of shit back to the junkyard?

Ooh! JJ, we got a... Flat.

Yeah. And those priests... Weren't fathers.

They were... Mothers.

Come here. Oh, jeez.

Ah, shit!

So there you have it, a rather simple story, actually.

International film star, ruthless assassin, Casanova, poet, philosopher.

You might say a legend in my own time.

In fact, you can. Not that one, darling.

I'm afraid this car is full of surprises.

This is something I've noticed.

How about some champagne, darling?

Little silver four-wheeler that just flew past, with the good-lookin' seat cover.

Son, back that thing down. You got smokeys all over my back door.

If you are referring to me, I request that you speak more clearly in the Queen's English.

That is, if we are going to converse on this wireless.

Ah. Bless your heart.

Cheers.

Down the hatch.


What do you think you're doing? You can't come in here.

You're a man.

7-Eleven. How can I help? Pumps one and two, hit 'em.

What are you, some kind of nut? You got one unleaded and one premium.

She goes both ways.

The round orange moon pie with the white hat on, he'll pay for it.

I'm a doctor, and if I may be permitted the indelicacy, you seen one, you've seen 'em all.

A thousand miles on one wheel? We're trying to win a race, not set a record.

Victor, what have you got?

A lot of goodies for you guys and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me.

Will you get in here?! OK. Here you go.

Officer.

Do you take your law and order in this town seriously?

Are you kidding?

Excuse me for asking.

Greek! But...

Would you shut up a minute and listen to me?

Oh, by the way, Greek.

What's the odds on the Japanese team not finishing?

There's gonna be a red Ferrari come flying through here and the two men driving are responsible for the victim in this ambulance.

Victim? A flasher victim.

You want to know the worst part? What's that?

They're dressed as priests. Go on.

I guess they think it's a little kinkier, dressed as priests.

Goddamn, that's sick.

I'll handle this. One more thing.

I think they're armed.

Damn, I hope so.

It'll give me an excuse.

Flashers!

Bye-bye!

JJ, you son of a...!

Out of the car, both of you.

Now!

All right, hit it.

Hit it? Hit it?

Freeze, or name your beneficiary. Beneficiary?

Officer, I sincerely hope you're not a Catholic. Pay no attention to him.

He's been locked up for six years in that monastery. He don't know what he's doing.

I don't think both of his paddles are in the water.

Six years is gonna seem like a summer vacation when the state of Missouri gets through with you.

You, shorty. Where'd you get all that jewelry?

Why'd he call me shorty? 'Cause you're small.

Small. S-M-all. Oh.

I suggest you take another route, good buddy.

The smokeys have got traffic all tied up on 40 looking for them Cannonballers.

That's a big ten-four.

Hey, JJ. Yeah?

There's a lot of talk on the CB about the roadblock ahead.

What do you think?

I think we're in deep you-know-what. The transmission is slipping.

We lost a lot of time because of your two phony priests.

Oh. I'm sorry.

If the transmission does hold together, you think we're gonna be able to bluff our way through the roadblock?

I don't know. Give me a minute to gather my thoughts.

I gathered my thoughts.

Hey, Lowboy! Look in your rearview mirror.

See this ambulance back here?

We need a piggyback ride.

This one can go by. There's no problem here.

Uh... Let's just have this one and that one.

Um...

Yeah, that one's OK. Let it go.

Excuse me.

You look very familiar. Do I know you?

It's quite possible. Is this going to take long?

You see, we're on our honeymoon, and she can't wait.

Thank God. Normal people.

We were just looking for Cannonb...

It's not important. Move along, if you would.

What is this, anyway? It's a stakeout.

Oh. Bon appétit.

English humor.

Come on, guys, keep moving, will you, please?

Let's see...

Quiet, Victor. You're gonna blow our cover.

JJ, this is not a nine-to-five job. I wish him were here.

Hi.

Hello.

You look tired. Ah, more frustrated than tired.

Think you're gonna win this crazy race?

Damn right I am.

I'm sitting here, having a conversation with somebody who kidnapped me.

Hm! Who can blame anybody for kidnapping you?

You gave me laughing gas.

Well, you have an awful beautiful laugh.

You made me forget my favorite skirt back at the motel...

Doesn't matter. You look terrific without it.

What'd you expect, anyway?

A gangbang or something like that. A gangbang?

We're racers, not rapists.

Why? Why what?

Why all this speed and trouble and risk and...

I mean, what for?

For the hell of it.

Didn't you ever do anything just for the hell of it?

I guess so.

My father used to work in the coal mines.

43 years.

He was gonna retire.

Buy a houseboat. Move down to Florida.

Fish on the back of the boat and tell my mom lies.

He died two days before he was gonna retire.

Oh.

I guess you just never know.

Yeah.

I made up my mind right then, I was gonna go for it.

I mean, everything I wanted, I was gonna go for it right then, 'cause you never know when something's gonna happen to you.

Like talking to you, you know?

I mean, it's really nice.

Uh... Excuse me. Where are you guys going?

We're just... We're just out-out-out looking for a pack of cigarettes.

With North Carolina plates, you're driving to Missouri for cigarettes?

How about a beer?

How about the fact that your paint job is coming off?

You want to take these guys away? The good guys strike back.

What is that? Five, eight, three... Five, eight, three, six...

Hold on. Hold on. Let it go. Come on.

Come on, guys, keep moving, will you, please?

Howdy, sir. What seems to be the problem?

You didn't think you'd get away with this? We're gonna get the whole lot of you now.

Not here, you won't. The word is out about your roadblock.

They're talking about it all up and down the "super slab".

Come on, get these traitors out of here, will you?

You think you're so big.

Do some of you people want to come over and push this thing out of the way?

Come on. I'll put it in neutral.

Who did that? Make it stop!

Thanks a lot. Keep on truckin'!

George, you remember the good old days before they got radar?

We used to chase speeders? Yeah. This is really boring.

Smokey. Sayonara. Bye-bye!

What the hell was that?

I don't know, but whatever it was, it was doing 125.

That's the first time we took an order by phone.

It was hard to understand you. When I called, I was doing 140 miles an hour.

That was six lamb burgers, four shish kebabs, a side order of couscous, and... two milk.

No! How much?

Six seventy-five.

Here, my desert blossom.

Keep the change.

Have you ever considered joining a harem?

I shall return for you after the race.

Get a physical. I shall return, my little fig.

I love you!

Victor...

I don't know how to ask you this.

Isn't it strange having that guy running around inside your head?

Oh! He's not in here.

He's out there somewhere, helping people.

Oh! He's always helping people.

He'd help you. He would?

He likes you.

Well, how did he find you? I mean, how did you two get together?

Well, when I was real young, I didn't have any friends like I do now.

Like JJ...

Like JJ.

One day I was in the schoolyard, and nine guys were beating me up pretty good.

There he was.

Dun-dun-dah!

Captain Chaos? Yeah. Out of the blue.

Pow! Slam! Bam! Boff!

I sure was grateful.

That's great! Yeah.

Nobody bothered me at school after that.

I wish I had a friend like that.

Well, first, you need a mask and a cape.

I think I'd like mine to be pink.

Almost everything I wear is pink.

Everything?

Even...? Uh...

Oh, I don't wear any.

You don't? Uh-uh.

Wow.

Victor, I'd like to be your friend. 'Cause I like you.

Oh.

I like you too, Beauty.

Thank you.

New Mexico.

Texas! Stupid!


I'll take care of this one.

Well, hello, hot pants.

I don't suppose you have a driver's license tucked down in there somewhere, do you?

Yes, Officer.

That policeman seems to want us to stop, darling.

Yes. He must be rather upset with our rapid rate.

Funny. They don't have any sense of humor about that sort of thing.

Aren't you going to pull over? I'd rather not.

Can be such a bore, talking to those chaps.

Tell you what. We'll just... slip away.

Hit that button, will you? Like in your movies!

And now a little oil, right, darling?

Well, well. We are full of tricks, aren't we?

It's all part of my business, really.

I've been meaning to ask you, what movie...?

Wait a minute. Can you see where you're going?

Perfectly. This is ridiculous.

Good sport, isn't it? Would you mind rolling the window down, old girl?

We're getting done like a couple of kippers here.

Next time, I bring my mask. Like a foggy day in London town.

You are about to witness the ravishment of a woman who has been abducted.

A woman whose initial fear has mellowed into curious expectation.

In the morning, she will be set free, unaware of anything, except that she has been loved as never before...

Oh, no! Please...

Oh, yes, there! There!

I've never seen a damn Rolls-Royce that'd do 140 miles an hour.

What you fellas got in that thing?

Stock. Sign here.

I guess you must have misconstrued my remark about my mother planning to purchase Southern California as an attempt to influence your giving me a ticket, Officer.

I am sure that she will still consider keeping you all on as a member of the Highway Patrol, regardless of how shabbily you treated her son!

You might want to tell that to the judge, sir.

This is for you and the judge!

Goddamn camel jockey!

Oh, shit. We got a smokey on our tail.

Watch this.

Officer. Pull it over.

We got no brakes!

No brakes! Help us! Yes, thank you.

Damn "no brake" gag works every time.

Oh, no! We really don't have any brakes!

Quit kidding, will you? Hang on!

Evel Knievel... you've got yourself some competition!


Route 66. Ha-ha!


Secret weapon.

Ready, fire!

How long we been here?

20 minutes. We could have been there by now.

The road will be open in five minutes, Father.

Gah!

Hey, Father Putz.

Albert Schweitzer.

I want to thank you for being so sweet and so nice, and telling those people all about us, back in Missouri, that we were both flashers and sex maniacs.

Well, I just wanted to return the favor that you and the chocolate monk did for us back in Ohio.

"The chocolate monk"?

He can say that.

He can say that, he can say that

'cause he's riding around with the Goodyear blimp!

The Goodyear blimp? He can say that. He can say that.

Yeah, I can say that. Because if I had the time, I would take those rosary beads and stuff 'em up your nose.

These rosary beads? My rosary beads? Yeah.

You're gonna shove 'em up this nose? Up that nose, yeah.

He can do that. He can do that?

You take a little advice? Sure.

Bring friends.

A lot of 'em.

He wants me to bring...

Blimp?

Ah, the bride and groom Cannonballer.

I told you this honeymoon scheme would work.

Good. Now you wear the wig, sweetheart.

It's hot. Oh, I don't know.

When I was in Egypt making The Fly Who Bugged Me it was at least 180 in the shade, not that there was much shade.

If CBS woulda had their cameras there we'd have made Sports Spectacular. We just zoomed right over that train.

You want to try it again?


All right.

Don't you look precious? All dressed up like that.

And wearing a wig too. Ha-ha! Ain't he cute?

Those guys scare me.

You just stay close to Moore. There won't be any trouble.

He looks like Gregory Peck in that blue flannel suit.

This is my friend Shakey. Allow me to present myself.

I'm on Wall Street. Maybe we can have lunch sometime.

We don't ride in Wall Street.

Nah, we don't ride in Wall Street.

Why don't we go and help 'em out?

What do you mean, "we"?

If we do, then that road opens up and you're long gone.

Now, why don't you, huh?

You're the Good Samaritan.

Besides, I'm wearing these.

Maybe you would like to complete your ensemble.

No. There's something else of yours that I want.

Oh, really? What's that?

Your ass!

Dun-dun-dah!

Oh, shit.

Well, shall we join the fracas?

Step back, my dear.

I must warn you, I'm Roger Moore.

Who?

Roger Moore.

We'll run in there.

Boom-boo-boom, pow! Pow! Pow!

Knock 'em flat out.

Then we go. We could still win it, OK? We can do that.

We can do that. Yeah. We can do that.

You'll be sorry! Let me down!

Dun-dun-dah!

Take that!

You're so macho.

Watch this!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Need some help, Father? Nah.

Wah! Give me somebody!

Waaargh!

What, are you crazy, Greek?

How could you possibly change odds in the middle of things?

Hold it. You wouldn't last five minutes in the New York subway.

That's the way it's done.

Is that good to drink? I don't know. I never tried it.

Hold it, hold it. You wanna try this side?

Yeah.

Need some help?

Get out of here. Right.

Dun-dun-dah!

Fool!

Thanks, Shakey. Excuse me. Get this guy, Shakey!

Excuse me, Father, the road's open. Oh, thanks.

Fenderbaum, the road's open!

Bye.

Let's go! Hit it!

Ah-so!


Come on, come on. Faster, faster!

I'm trying. Faster!

Drive it like Captain Chaos would. I'll try.

What d'you take off the mask for? I didn't. He took off the mask.

We need him. I don't know where he is.

Very interesting fellow. I'd like to probe his case.

Don't want him around, he's around. When we want him, he's not around.

I'm gonna get a beer!

Dun-dun-dah!


It's only ten blocks to the finish! I feel very confident that we will be triumphant!

Ah-ha-ha!

What the hell was that?

A Lamborghini. Is it in the race?

Catch it!

Will you go faster? Come on! I'm trying!

I've seen every single one of your movies at least three or four times.

Four times?

I think we got it goin', baby. Yeah, we're looking good.

The Greek's gonna pay us money!

Gosh! Wait till I tell my friends I was sitting next to George Hamilton!

George Hamilton?

We got 'em! We got 'em!

We're not losin' it!

Aargh!

Look out!

Waah! OK, it's a foot race!

I've got the card. No, give me that, Doc.

Come on! It's a foot race!

Have no fear, Chaos is here! Dun-dun-dah!

Take it and win, Captain!

Come on, Chaos, you can do it!

Anyone need medical attention?

Ah! Ah! Go! Go, Chaos!

We're gonna win!

It's not a very sporting way to win. What do you say, Father?

No, it's a shitty way to win.

We're gonna win!

Help! Help! Somebody save my baby!

He's drowning!

No, Chaos! No!

No problem, fair lady. I will save your baby. Have no fe-e-e-ear!

Oh, my baby, my baby!

Thank you. You're such a brave man.

You don't know what this means to me. Oh, my baby, I love you.

JJ, I saved that woman's dog.

Victor, we could have won that race. You understand? We could have won it!

You understand that? You had to go and pull that stupid stunt.

He's right, Victor.

We are sick of Captain Chaos.

We are so sick of Captain Chaos that we could throw up.

So, you know what, Victor? There's not gonna be any more Captain Chaos.

No more!

You see what I'm telling you? No more! No more Captain Chaos ever!

Now, what do you think of that?

I don't care... because...

I've always wanted to be... Captain USA!

Dun-dun-dah!

It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.

Who won the race? What do you get for last?

Well... Well...

How do you all feel, now that you have raped the American highways?

Beautiful. Wonderful. Great.

Old chap, I suggest you get a grip on yourself or better, on one of these.

I'll take anything.

And feel free to use the lighter in my car, Mr...

Foyt.

F- F-F-Foyt.

Wait till he touches that lighter.

Ain't nothin' happening.

That's funny. Excuse me.

Mr. Foyt, how did you light that?

Well, with the lighter, of course.

That's odd.

Oy vey!

If I'm not filming next year, we'll do this again.

Oh, JJ, didn't we do good?

Wah! Wah-ha-ha-ha!


Stop it. Ready?

Will you stop it? OK. OK.

What's wrong with you?

Wait a minute. I got something.

No, this will help you. No, don't hit me.

No. I'm not gonna hit you. Listen to me.

I swear to God. I'm not gonna hit you.

Watch. Watch.

Ah!

OK. OK. I'm ready now. Here we go.

Look at that shit.

I'm ready. I swear to God, I'm ready!

We're off.

Where's he gonna sit?

Where's he gonna sit?

I warned you not to interfere in my affairs.

Steven, put away... Seymour. Excuse me.

That's all right. I'll answer to anything.

You see, even in the deepest family relations... my business is not worth a...

Thank you, Victor.

Mark.

As you probably know, we're...

We're the favorites to... be the winning racers tomorrow in the Cannonball race, which is gonna be poured...

Good evening, ladies. Evening.

My name is JJ McCIure. And this is my...

Next year we're going for the nu-nu-nu... Yes? Ooh!

Perfect. Perfect.

Hey!

Better than... Cut!

We have to get this woman, the senator's wife, to Philadelphia by...

Make that California, will you?

We're very close.

Don't hit me.

Because if I had enough time...

I would take those rosary bleeds and stuff 'em up your nose.

These bleeds? Those bleeds, yeah.

You're gonna take these... and shove 'em up...

I'll take these bleeds here...

Mark.

I don't care...

I don't care... Stop laughing!

I don't care, because...

You're gonna get a slap.

I always wanted to be Captain America!

It's a living.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

He laughed... He laughed... He laughed first.

Mr. Martin laughed first.

Why were you laughing?

He laughed and you hit me!

Cut it.