The Change-Up (2011) Script

Your turn.

on, fuck.

Okay, I'm awake.

Good morning.

You guys are up a little early today, huh.

Did we have some nightmares or something?

Let's see what you made for daddy.

Let's see.

I wouldn't like to sleep with that in my pants, either.

But it did happen once in college.

Can you leave that bottle alone, honey?

Can you put it down?

Honey... Sarah...

No, no! Sweetheart!

Damn.

I know. I'll have you back in your warm little bed in one second.

Here you go. Back to bed, sweetheart.

You got a fresh, dry diapy.

Peter...

Peter, please!

Buddy, we talked about the head thing.

Let me get you all hooked up.

Hang on, don't fall.

Oh, no.

Peter... Oh.

Okay. A little something for daddy.


Steel, Kuhbach, McCloud Law Firm. Good morning.

Good morning, Lockwood.

Good morning, Mr. Steel.

Thank you.

How are the kids?

Oh, they're terrific. Just terrific.

Children are such a joy.

Yes, absolutely. Always.

Any word on the Amalgamated merger?

That's all but signed.

And just in time for your partner review, no less.

Really? Oh, I hadn't noticed.

I look forward to having your antic sense of humor in the partner suite, Lockwood.

It can get a touch dry up there.

Thank you so much. Hmm.

But a Double Windsor?

Come on, son. This is not the dog track.

No. Yes.

Yeah.

Absolutely not. Thank you.

Hi.

Seriously, Dave, this isn't the dog track.

Yeah. Good morning, Sabrina.

Last week he told me my shoes were dangerously Italian. what?

My turn with the Amalgamated files?

Yeah, I adjusted the WACC to reflect the new monthly projections, and I pre-negotiated articles 23 through 29.

Okay.

I like the way you had it before, by the way.

Yeah. Thank you.

Good morning, Patricia.

Penis, shit, vagina, cock, wolf pussies.

Mitch. I'm at work.

Did I get you? Yeah. You sure did.

You got me on speakerphone? Yep.

Did the secretary hear?

Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.

That's awesome.

Not really. How stoned are you right now?

I've taken some weed.

Have you? Mmm-hmm.

Do you know what time it is? Mmm-mmm.

It's like 9:00.

Holy fuck-knuckles.

Guess what I'm looking at right now. A bong?

No, I found a futon on the street last night.

I sort of had to fight a bum for it. He was so thin.

And it also came with this vintage Navajo pony blanket...

So I think that's pretty much a win for me.

Mitch, you know the adults are about to fire up a work day.

I know, I just miss you, dude, that's all. I miss you, too.

We've been super best buddies since third grade.

I haven't seen you in forever.

Oh, I've been swamped.

We're sleep-training the twins, and I just haven't had a moment to breathe.

I'm sorry, man. I'm just super-excited to see you.

We are still on for tonight, right?

David? Yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the thingy.

Braves-Marlins. Please don't tell me that you forgot.

Didn't forget.

What time are you going to pick me up?

Don't you bail on me, David.

I am not going to bail.

If you bail on me, I'm going to literally eye-rape you.

I got it.

I will actually place myself inside your ocular... Oh!

It's my dad.

Mitch Planko, Sr. making a rare appearance.

This guy fucking hates me.

I'll pick you up at 6:00. Got it.

Kirk out.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came by to tell you how incredibly proud of you I am, son.

I'm pretty baked right now, but I think you're being sarcastic.

Right?

No, dropping out of high school to be an actor was a great decision.

I saw you in that commercial for meat, incidentally.

That was the most brilliant portrayal of baloney I have ever seen.

Why are you here?

Just came by to see if you'd like to have some breakfast.

I can't. I got a super-duper important conference call in 10 minutes.

You don't have a job. You don't have any hair.

Right.

Well, then I'll just say it here.

I'm getting married again, and I'd like you to come to the wedding.

When's the wedding? Next Saturday.

My betrothed, Pamela, would like you to be there to say a few words.

I'll catch the next one.

Yeah, right. Okay, well, then I'd better get home and boil my shoes.

Great visiting. You, too.

Good.

And the baby-eating monster rises from the deep!

Hey, Daddy, which one do you like better?

The southern monarch or the many-spotted skipperling?

I am a many-spotted skipperling man, all the way.

The monarch is just a glorified moth, don't you think?

Yes. I tend to agree.

Hi, Mom! Hi!

What a bad, bad day.

Hi.

The zoning board shut us down for the millionth time.

Dr. Klein lost the twins' immunization records.

And Cara got bullied in ballet class again.

Did you tell Daddy?

Nicolette Peters keeps knocking me over during the battement glissé.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugarbug. Are you okay?

We just need to keep striving for verbal resolution.

Yeah, yeah. Verbal resolution, sweetheart.

So where do you want to do this tonight?

Do what?

Dialogue Night.

Oh, my God.

Honey...

Don't even say that.

I'm so sorry. I suck.

Dr. Tillman said just once a week, for one hour.

I'm sorry.

That was three months ago.

I know. I heard her.

And I want to sit and talk with you for an hour more than once a week, but tonight, I cannot.

Why? What are you doing?

I promised Mitch I would sit and watch a game with him tonight, and...

What?

Can we please just slide the Dialogue Night again?

I'm so sorry.

I can do Monday night.

Thank you.

He's early.

Yeah, you'd be early, too, if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate.

What's hummus?

That is a Mediterranean spread, honey.

What's master-ate?

It's a cracker.

Oh, hey, Mitch. Your hair looks good.

Thanks.

Yeah, I had to cut it for a fucking tampon commercial.

Uncle Mitch!

How's my favorite ballerina doing?

Hi, Uncle Mitch. Hi! Wow!

Gosh, you're so light. Are you dieting?

Do you want to come to my dance recital?

Oh!

No, honey.

The only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes involves a big, shiny pole, and a broken woman with daddy issues.

Yeah, story time is over.

Go fix your hair.

Ow.

Mmm, smells good in here, Jame.

Mmm.

Ooh! Num-nums!

Vegetable medley!

How are you? Good.

You're good? Yeah.

Are you dating anyone?

Ooh! You know who I ran into? Who?

Mrs. Hickham at a Starbucks in Druid Hills.

Our social studies teacher? Yeah.

I asked her out and she wouldn't go out with me, which is crazy, because I nailed her in high school.

You did? I dated her mouth for a full semester.

Okay. Bathed, diapered, and in the PJs.

Is Dave meeting your needs, sexually?

Yeah, I guess. Good.

Not really, mmm-mmm. Ahh.

I would like to strap you to my face and say the alphabet.

That's going too far.

Oh!

Look at these little fuckers!

What's your name? Hey.

What's your name? What's your name?

Why can't they talk yet? Are they retarded or something?

Don't say... You can't say that.

Well, this one right here looks a little Downsy.

Or that. I'm kidding.

A little bit, though? No.

Pumpkin, we'll see you right after the game, okay?

Have fun.

I like it. Oh, God.

Let's go. Okay. Bye.

Mitch and Dave.

Mitch and Dave, out on the town.

Oh, dude, I didn't tell you!

I booked a major movie role this week.

I auditioned for a movie role, I got it.

Yeah, first one. Hey, good for you. What is it called?

Untitled Awesome Movie.

Truly? That's the name?

Yeah. Yeah. Good for you.

Do you want to hotbox this nut sack? No, no.

I've got a big day tomorrow. Take the wheel. Steer. Steering wheel.

Oh, steer for me.

Mitch, come on, buddy.

Let's make it to the game in one piece, don't you think?

Want to try that? This Fiero, unfortunately, is airbag-free.

It's a work day tomorrow.

Come on. All right, I'll take one hit.

Oh! What the... You motherfucker!

Let's just focus on the driving.

Just say no, Reagan. God, why would you do that?

Well, we're driving. God!

This is a car carrying a lot of speed. This is terrible.

Hit the steering wheel. I'm going again!

Whoo! Drink!

I'll drink to that. All right! That was a strikeout.

Huh, what's going on? It is good to see you again.

It's good to see you, too, Dave.

What's going on with the women, huh?

I've been seeing a number of very, very nice ladies.

I got some pictures. Wow.

That is Tatiana.

Tatiana.

What's her last name?

It's Tatiana Calls-me- at-three-in-the-morning- and-wants-to-fuck-stein.

Who gives a shit what her last name is?

Mitch. Reminds me a little bit of Sabrina.

Yeah! Wait, who's Sabrina?

Sabrina. She's this...

She's this new law associate at my work.

She's so hot. Oh, Mitch, is she hot. Uh-oh.

She's like fall-out-of-a-magazine hot, you know?

I bet she's number one on your cancer list, right?

What is that?

Come on, you know what that is. What is that?

Every married guy has a cancer list.

It's the first three women you'd have sex with if your wife suddenly died of cancer.

That's fucking sick.

Come on. That's the mother of my children.

Oh, I know.

But I'll play. Yes, she'd be at the top of that list.

It's like a gift. Yeah.

But I interrupted you. Tell me about this one again.

God, last week, Tatiana, she comes over, she's wearing this tight black mini-dress, and you know what she says to me?

Tell me slow. No, nothing.

Because all Tatiana wants to do at 3:00 in the morning is fucky, fucky, rubber ducky.

This chick is insatiable!

She wants it in every position under the sun.

God, you're so lucky.

We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck...

And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.

What? I don't even know what these are.

You're married. You're married, Dave. That's true.

Anyway, we start going at it and it gets so intense that my nose starts bleeding.

Come on.

This is Dracula, Anne Rice-type shit happening right in front of me.

Good for you.

When all is said and done, when we finish up, and the dust settles, she looks up at me, and she says, "Mitchell, next Tuesday, I am coming back here, "and we're really going to fuck."

Yes!

Yes! Tatiana.

Fuck. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch.

You're just...

How did I miss this?

I missed all the sex and the drugs and the bad choices, and I just fucking rushed it, didn't I? Wasn't I rushing?

You were busy.

Rushing to get into a good college, right?

And then into a good law school.

Once I got into a good law school, I just wanted to get into a good law firm.

I met Jamie, we got married, we had Cara, and that was it.

I pissed away my 20s, right? Now it's too late.

Look, shitbird. You got it made!

You have an extremely hot wife, and you got a beautiful house that's full of furniture and food and kids.

And you make a ton of money.

And you come home at the end of the day and you're surrounded by people who give a shit about you.

You're never lonely.

What more do you want?

I'll tell you what I want, okay?

I want something different.

I want your life, you know?

I want Sabrina. I want Tatiana.

And sex with strange, new women.

You're living the dream.

How much fun is it being an actor, working one week a year?

I want to smoke weed all day.

I want to start a book that I actually finish.

I would like to take a nice, solid dump because I'm not constantly stressed out.

I want to learn how to rollerblade.

And I'd like to take a piss.

Me, too. Fountain, fountain, fountain.

Perfect.

Whoo!

This chick does not look happy.

I was just saying that I really envy your life.

That's all. I envy yours.

No, you don't. You're just trying to be nice.

I'm not. I do, I envy it.

No. I envy yours.

I wish I had your life.


it's rolling blackouts or something?

Yeah, I guess.

Look at your flow, it's so nice and thick.

It's confident.

Yours is very steamy. Thanks.

My urologist says I run a little hot.

Good to go? Oh, yeah.

Can you drive? Oh, yeah!


Holy fuck-knuckles!

Where is my bong?

Whose fucking kid is that?

What is with all these goddamn pillows?

Jamie! Jesus!

What? That's fucking disgusting!

Put those tits away, this isn't Africa!

What am I doing in this bed? Did I sleep here last night?

Did I fucking nail you?

Are you still drunk?

Dave!

Where is Lockwood?

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

I'm Dave?

Oh, my God!

Open the goddamn door, Dave.

Come on, open up the door, right now.

Fuck.

Come on, buddy, open up the door immediately.

Let's do it.

Dave, come on. Open up the door, right now!

Okay, I'm awake. Open up this fucking door!

Open the goddamn door, Dave!

Mitch?

Why am I in your apartment?

Dave, hurry up, open up the door!

Something very bad has happened. Wait until you see me.

Wait until you see you! Jesus Christ, relax.

Super freaky, dude. Let's do it!

Oh.

What the hell is this?

I knew it. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is this?

Look at this.

Yeah, it's you.

And this is all me. All of this shit is mine.

You're welcome.

I got this.

What are you doing to me?

Hey, stop it. I'm so strong.

You're choking yourself!

Must wake up.

Wake up!

I can't breathe. Take my hands off you.

Wake up! Get the fuck off me!

Okay, okay, okay!

Go look in the mirror. Right there!

All right?

I'm a douche bag.

I'm a fucking tool!

Oh! What did you do?

What did I do? You think I want to be you?

Who said I wanted to be you?

Holy shit, we did.

We wished for each other's lives when we were pissing in that fucking fountain last night.

We wished we had each other's lives.

I was just trying to be nice!

Oh, my God!

I know a shortcut to the fountain.

Go this way.

Careful! Easy.

I got it. I got it.

What are we going to do when we get to the fountain?

We're going to take a piss in it, or...

I don't give a shit. We're gonna get our lives back.

You've got to be kidding me.

Hey, where is the fountain?

It is getting restored.

What are you talking about, restored? Where did you take it?

I don't know, guy, I just fill the hole.

I'm not the fountain spokesman.

Hey, motherfucker...

Whoa, whoa, who could tell us where it is?

Maybe ask the district manager.

Nope. It is not in the computer.

Okay, when will it be in the computer?

Maybe tomorrow. That's when Victor gets back.

It's not in the computer, it's not in the park.

Who is Victor?

The guy that knows how to find shit in the computer.

How can you lose a fountain?

This is a big deal to us, okay? I mean, it's a fountain!

Can you look a little bit harder? That's incredible!

It is not in the computer.

Yeah, but your attitude is right on your shoulders.

No, no, no!

There was no physical contact.

We're okay. We're fine. We're fine.

I have the biggest meeting in my life in 45 minutes. This isn't happening.

Did you have something you wanted to do today?

I've got day one of my big break movie.

If I don't make this meeting, I don't make partner, and the last 15 years of my life, everything I've done, wasted!

All right, fine, I'll do it.

I've got it. I'll do it.

I got you. Do what?

I'm an actor. Human chameleon.

I can do lawyer in my fucking sleep. Give me the keys.

Oh, you'll play me in one of your productions?

Yeah, give me the keys. Okay, no.

Why? Because you're...

Careful.

Because there's more to being a lawyer than what you see on TV, Mitch.

Is there? Yeah.

I object! Oh, my God.

Okay? No!

Wrong, my friend. You don't know the first thing about being a lawyer.

You're not a trained actor.

Neither are you.

Save it, all right, Dave?

It's one day. We're Mitch and Dave!

We can do one day of anything. Give me the keys.

Let's go. Do you have a better plan?

Shit. Okay. All right.

You've got 41 minutes, okay? Great!

Go to my house, get dressed in my clothes.

Then you go to my office, find my legal associate, Sabrina.

Get the merger documents from her, take them to the conference room, and...

Oh, God, the partners are going to be there.

Listen, do not say a single word.

What if somebody asks me a question?

They're not going to ask you a damn thing.

Once the meeting starts, you will continue to say nothing.

When a partner asks you for the merger documents, you will then silently hand them over.

I get it. Play it big, but maintain my reality.

It's pretty simple. No! You play it small.

I have spent the last nine months banging out the terms of this deal.

The only thing you have to do is hand over the documents, that's it.

Dude, easy as fuck.

You can't say things like that in the meeting, Mitch.

True. Good note.

For me, you go to my house, okay? All my info is on my fridge.

When you get to the set, you go to hair and makeup, and you learn your lines.

Most of all, do not fuck this up for me, all right?

This is my big break, my Raging Bull. Do you hear me?

You respect my art, you respect my life.

You respect mine.

Yeah, I got you. Power hug. Come on. Yeah, okay.

Hold on. You got to pick up Cara.

Pick up Cara from ballet at 4:00, okay?

I am fucking all over that shit.

Holy shit.

Early morning on the golf course, Lockwood?

Ha-ha! Terrific!

Num-nums!

Fucking score!

Fucking grocery store.

Look at all of this for little Mitchie-poo.

Nice!

Oh, there you are.

I redid the 10-19 variants, everything else is the same. Ready?

Oh, you must be Sabrina, huh?

You must be Dave.

Are we role-playing or something? Because we're late.

He didn't tell me you were a big, fat, fucking boner.

Sorry. That was unprofessional. Wasn't it?

Dave have a mimosa for breakfast? A little nervous?

That was a joke. Hey...

I've got one really important question before we go.

All this food here, is it free?

You got this.

Yeah, I got it.

I got it. Okay.

Let's do this.

All right. You remember though?

Oh, right. It's down there. Got it.


Lockwood. Yep.

Perhaps you would like to sit on our side of the table.

Thanks.

Now, before we formalize this merger, are there any outstanding questions we might address?

Our back-of-the-envelope analysis shows your P&L to be 2% less than expected as per the MAC clause.

Can I get confirmation that the EBITDA still aligns with comfortable...

Dave?

Dave! Yes. Dave is here.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Oh, I've got your thing.

Boom!

No, Dave, uh...

Mr. Kinkabe had a question about the EBITDA.

Okay.

Uh, how is it?

Good.

Good?

What am I saying?

EBITDA is bad.

Fucking terrible.

Are you saying the premium needs to be adjusted?

I didn't say that.

Did you hear me say it? Nope.

What about our WACC?

Huh? What PPS multiple are you using?

What's that? Is the financing still stable?

Hang on, guys.

Fucking 25 guys on this side. Can you fire at somebody else?

Can anybody else field the fucking question?

Dave? Yep.

It's your job to know this.

Yeah, and I know that.

You know, we're... Everything is...

Here is the deal.

We are very rich.

Everybody rich!

So let's sign this.

What's the worst that can happen? Right?

We will just roll this party out to some sushi and some sake bombs.

Moustache is buying. And then a little karaoke for dessert?

What have we got to lose?

Let's bones that. Huh, 'stache?

Is this some kind of joke?

Are you trying to poison the well?

You are the one on a fishing expedition, Kinkabe.

You were never serious about this merger.

Me?

This moron works for you. You are the one sabotaging it.

Fuck you with that... "Moron" is a bad word here.

This merger is over.

You have just made the biggest mistake of your career, mister.

I will see you in court. No, no.

What a bunch of bullshit!

Hang on. Don't get up.

Is this a break? Taking a break?

Quick fiver?

What the hell was that?

Relax. This is good.

Look at how great this is.

It's all part of my secret master plan.

It is? You bet.

You are hurting my arm a little bit.

This deal is critical to the very survival of this firm.

Is that clear? I got it.

I know what I'm doing. I've been doing it for...

How long have I been doing it here, huh?

How long have I worked here? You know that.

I don't know.

Nine years, 10. Yeah.

Yeah. Perfect. Exactly 10 years, that's exactly right.

And have I ever steered you wrong?

No.

Trust me, bro.

Bro?

Fine.

But from here on out, you are on an extremely short leash!

Understand?

Now, go. Put on some proper clothes.

You look like a Jew.

Oh.

Excuse me, hello. Where do the movie stars park?

Hello, there. Hey, man. What's up?

Where the fuck is hair and makeup?

Mitch Planko. Fuck me.

Right there.

Fuck me.

Oh, look at that. That looks like fun.

Ready for you on set.

Anything I can get you? Vitamin water or Pellegrino?

No, thank you. I just have a quick question.

What does that mean, there, "TS?"

Titty shot.

And, "BTS," right there?

Bouncing titty shot. Bouncing titty shot.

Steve Driver, coming to the set.

I'm just curious, what kind of movie is this?

It's a Iorno.

I'm not familiar with that genre. Is that European?

Lorno, "Light porno." Tits and shadows.

You ever hear of Skinemax?

Oh, no.

Come on, big guy.

No, no, no. More oil.

Make him shiny like fish.

Are you the one in charge here?

Mitch, I'm Valtan, the director.

Oh, good. There's been some kind of mistake...

Mona!

Where the fuck is... I'm here!

Hey!

Here's the scene, okay? You going to enter with a gun...

Where the gun?

Mitch, you going to come in. Guard going to try to stop you.

Line, line, line. You knock him the fuck out, okay?

You see Mona. She lying there in the bed.

Then we bounce titty, bounce titty, bounce titty, slow mo, bouncy titty, Iicky tip of nipple, regular speed, bouncy titty, slap the ass, slap the ass, slap the ass, and a wind come in, blow out a candle. Finite. What do you think?

Oh, it's like a poem! It's like a poem!

Mitch is gonna be great in our movie film.

Lock it up! Locking it up.

Have a good scene. Places, everyone.

Quiet on the set. This is heavy. Do you want to take...

The camera is rolling.

Question. And action!

Hey.

Action!

No entry!

Mitch, here.

If you let...

If you let me don't in, Taco, I will fuck you dead.

That can't be right.

All right, come on! Just knock him the fuck out, go inside.

Keep rolling! Still rolling.

Action!

Come on. I barely hit him.

All right, we fix it in post. Just keep rolling, keep rolling.

Keep rolling!

Lola, wake up surprise.

Holy shit!

Steve Driver, you perfect bastard, you.

Rip it off.

God!

Oh, yeah, eat that titty, boy. Eat that titty.

Yeah, yeah! Eat that titty.

Oh, Shit.

Like Cheerio, boy. Delish!

Yeah! Breakfast champion, boys.

Mount for sex time.

Go! On bed.

Give it to me, Steve!

Come on! Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah!

Pump that ass, boy.

Go, boy!

Loosen hips, loosen hips.

Go! Deep thrusting!

Yeah!

Put your thumb up her butt.

What?

Stick your thumb up her butthole.

I promise you, it's nice, clean.

You eat cake off lady's Starfish, okay?

Ahhh...

No.

I have killed people.

Mostly men.

I'm not allowed back in Eastern Bloc.

Now, you put your thumb up nice lady's butthole, or else, maybe you have an accident on set.

Maybe light fall on your head, maybe you get electrocute.

Maybe goat fuck your mouth. I don't know.

Movie set be very dangerous place.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay. And have fun with it.

Okay. Keep rolling, keep rolling.

I'm going to hell.

Oh, Steve!

It's like Christmas in my ass!

Moving it around! Moving it around!

Like iPhone.

Yeah.

Hey, purchase some apps!

Buy Angry Birds!

And enter Dimitri.

Dimitri?

Hi, Dimitri.

What are you doing with my wife, man?

Thrust! Don't improvise, okay?

Keep thrusting, keep thrusting.

Pump it. Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Now kiss that boy.

No, no, no. I'm good, Dimitri.

You're going to kiss that boy.

Come on.

Okay, we're good.

Tall arms. Tall arms.

Remember to smile, girls.

Very nice.

Focus.

Arms up. Tall.

Excellent, girls.

Smile. Focus.

Cara, do try to stay on your toes.

Let's start again.

Shouldn't I be sitting in my car seat?

No, no. You're good.

Hey, tell me about the big girl who knocked you over.

That's Nicolette Peters.

She does it a lot, actually.

She does it a lot? Why don't you fight back?

Uh, because you told me not to.

I what?

You said I should strive for verbal resolution.

Uh, you know, Daddy sometimes...

How do I... Here's what you do.

What you do is you fuck verbal resolution, okay?

You put that whore on her back, and you shank her.

You know how to make a shiv?

What? Listen to me.

If somebody comes at you with a knife, you put her whole family in the morgue.

That is jailyard justice.

Because if you don't come back hard on a bitch, you're going to end up getting sold for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O cup.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Always solve your problems with violence.

Okay, Daddy.

Great.

Want to get some Pinkberry?

Hey.

Hey, how did it go?

You shut up! What happened?

We'll get into Mr. Thumb's wild ride in a minute.

First, you're going to tell me, how did the deal go?

Awesome. The deal went awesome.

Good. So, it's closed?

Yeah, fucking closed. Basically closed.

A little bit of a hiccup, but...

What do you mean, a hiccup?

A little bit of a hiccup.

Your fucking boss is an anti-Semite. Did you know that?

Oh, my God! What did you do?

I was playing it nice and cool, just like we talked about, and then these goddamn squids, these Japs, these fucking Kamikaze pilots are coming at me, riddling me with fucking questions.

I had to do a little improv, and they got very emotional.

Will you just tell me how it ended?

You're going to court. No! Fuck! Oh, my God!

Your boss was a little pissed off.

I told him it was part of my secret master plan.

No, you didn't!

We'll work on one of those. You tell me how my shit went.

Oh, your shit? How'd my stuff go?

Mitch, what the hell is wrong with you?

It was a porno movie!

It's a Iorno, a light porn.

The dick stays in the pants, right?

They didn't pull it out, did they?

But my thumb went in three girls' assholes.

Oh, fuck, get the sand out of your vagina.

Did you finish the day?

I finished the day, Mitchell.

What are you doing?

I finished the day. Good.

You're living the dream.

You're living the fucking dream! Your job sucks, too.

This isn't going to work.

This is not going to work. That's way too much.

Hey, man, hang on. What are you planning on telling her?

I'm telling her the truth.

The truth? Yeah.

That's going to work.

Jamie will know what to do.

Jame. Jame.

Hey, sugarbug.

Hi, Daddy!

Hey!

Hey, my precocious little daughter.

I don't talk like that.

You do. I really don't. No one does.

Jamie, hey! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

I'm so glad you're here. It's been so crazy.

Oh, that's appropriate.

Hey, Mitch. Jamie, we need to talk.

Are you going to stay for dinner?

No, I can't stay for dinner, but I would love to...

Look, I got to tell you something.

I can't talk right now, Mitch. It's been so crazy here.

The twins are a half-hour past their bedtime.

What are you doing? What are you, some kind of animal?

And Cara has to start her homework.

I have an emergency phone call in four minutes.

You know that building?

The 11-story building? Yup.

I have to remove three stories somehow. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah.

It's so ridiculous. It makes no sense at all.

I'm not Mitch.

What? I'm Mitch.

He's Mitch. I'm Mitch. Somehow we switched bodies.

And I'm Dave. That's Dave. Yeah.

Oh.

What happened was, we pissed in a magic fountain...

Uh-huh. ... and the next day it disappeared.

They moved the fountain, so now we're looking for it.

And when they find it, we're going to switch back.

We had to pee because we were drinking.

We were drinking.

That sounds like a plan. Can you start the bath for the twins?

Okay, pumpkin, this is...

Mitch, no.

Don't call me pumpkin, okay?

And you promised me that you would clean out...

Can you shut this off?

It smells like cabbage now! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, sit down.

One second. Just humor me, all right?

I want you to ask me one thing...

I don't want to play your games.

...That only Dave would be able to answer.

Just one question. Please, I'm begging you.

Good idea.

Okay, when is our anniversary, Dave?

April 17th. Next question, please.

Wrong.

So close. Nineteenth.

Seventeenth's your daughter's birthday, 19th's your anniversary.

Why do you know that? Do you think I'm a monster?

I send you a card every year. Jamie, listen to me.

Ask me anything else.

Oh, my gosh! Mitch, I don't have time for this!

Come on, one more. Just make it tough.

Only Dave would know. A stumper.

Fine. What is my favorite color, Dave?

Red. Celadon.

Do you not understand what we're trying to accomplish here?

Not a drop of the red in the room.

All the accents are celadon.

It's like the opposite of help.

Okay, honey, I got it.

I'm going to tell you something that only I, Dave, would know.

Three years ago, you took your vibrator...

You took your vibrator... Morning!

...Into the bathtub and it short-circuited and it electrocuted your vagina.

Hang on.

And there's now the cutest little bald spot right there.

Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

I know. It's me. This hasn't been fun.

Good story.

You son of a bitch!

How dare you tell him that?

God!

What is wrong with you two?

God damn!

How would you like it if I told him that you have a ball that feels like two balls?

So it's like you have three balls.

Dave has three balls. A bouquet of balls.

Bad! Bad!

This idea fucking sucked.

Listen, I don't want you to worry about anything.

I'll be able to hold down the fort.

We got to find that fountain as soon as possible.

It's like a can of tennis balls down here.

The only problem I see is, what do I tell Jamie?

What do you tell Jamie, what?

When she wants to have sex tonight?

Think about that.

You're not having sex with my wife, Mitch.

Obviously, bro.

But if she comes at me like a hurricane, a guy can only withstand so much.

Mitch.

Dave. We're trying to pull something off here, okay?

Now, I might have to hit that, okay? She'll know.

Now, how many times a day do you guys have sex?

I'll have to pace it out.

What day is it today?

I don't know. Is it Tuesday?

Yeah. You know what? It's a non-issue.

What does that mean? You guys don't have sex on Tuesdays?

Take the day off?

That's adorable.

Tell you what.

If she comes on like a hurricane...

Just drill it.

Yeah, what can you do? You're only human. Give me the keys.

Smart. Yeah.

Okay. Please be careful with her.

It's like we're swapping rides.

It's just like that.

Thanks, buddy, you're being very cool.

Dear God.

Oh, my goodness. Look at this, huh?

Bang. Thank you, Mommy.

Why don't you tell Daddy about what happened at school today?

I wrote a spring poem and Miss Byers only put Angelica's poem up on the wall and she didn't put my poem up on the wall.

And why would she do that?

I thought she liked me.

Dave. Yeah.

Cara's talking to you.

What? She's talking to you.

Well, Cara, her poem was probably much better than yours.

Let's eat. Dave.

I didn't read the bitch's poem, but maybe she can really turn a phrase. Let's eat.

Tell Cara that her poem was good.

You just hurt her feelings.

I didn't read her poem, either. Do you want me to lie to her?

Is that what this is? Fine, I don't care.

Cara, honey, your poem, which I did not read, was way, way better than the other girl's poem, which I also did not read.

Let's eat.

It's Cara. Not Cara.

It's what?

Are you having a stroke right now or something?

What did I call her? What about the dinner song, Daddy?

What about the what?

What's she saying? The dinner song.

What's that? The dinner song?

Are you joking me? No, I'm not joking you.

There's a song? Sing the dinner song, honey.

Course, there's a song. Just sing the dinner song.

I don't feel like singing it tonight.

No, sing the dinner song.

You sing the dinner song.

Maybe you need to sing the dinner song. Sing the dinner song.

I'm sick of that song.

Sing the dinner song. Sing it!

I got it. I heard you.

Dinner song Dinner song Beans, potatoes, carrots and broccoli Buns and sa/ad and potatoes and chicken Needs a lickin'

Dinner song.

That's so not the dinner song.

Well, I'm going to tell you what.

You're going to go ahead and write me a dinner poem, and I'll belt that out after I choke this down.

Let's fucking go.

Okay. Daddy needs a time-out.

Great idea.

Dinner song Bye-bye.

Hello. Hi, Mitch. It's Tatiana.

Tatiana. Hi, how are you?

I'll be better in a minute after I fuck you raw.

Oh.

Hello. Mitch.

That was Tatiana. She said she's going to fuck me raw.

Tatiana? Shit, that's right.

That's my Tuesday night regular, right on schedule.

You fuck that right for me, Dave.

Took me a long time to reel this one in.

I don't think I can do this.

What the fuck does that... Hey, Dave!

Hey, man!

Dad, I smell a skunk.

NO, it's this, kid.

What does that mean, you don't think you can fuck Tatiana?

Because it...

Jesus Christ, she's here.

She's already knocking on the door.

You nail that right for me, Dave.

It feels kind of like I'm cheating on Jamie.

Are you fucking shitting me?

In what world is this cheating?

Cheating is when any part of your dick gets up inside some woman that's not your wife, okay?

And your dick is firmly planted inside these fucking lame, triple-pleated sports slacks.

But my mind is over here. That should count for something, right?

God, you big bitch.

How many women have you fucked in your mind, huh? Thousands?

Millions, Mitch. Was that cheating?

No. It was not fucking cheating.

I think you're on very firm legal ground here, counselor.

Your reasoning is oddly impeccable.

This is what you wanted, Dave.

Sex with strange, new women.

You just thank me later and shut your mouth, all right?

Goodbye. Kirk out.

I'm going to do this.

Tatiana.

Game on.

I like how you made me work for it tonight.

What am I? A burglar?

Holy shit.

Holy shit!

Why the fuck are you still wearing clothes?

When are you due?

Any minute now, so let's get our fuck on before this becomes a threesome.

Oh, that's so gross!

Whoa, stop for a second. Stop for a second.

You're so heavy!

My tits are aching for you.

That's probably the Colostrum coming, and it'll be very painful.

Okay, okay. Just friends. Just friends.

Okay, what's your deal tonight?

Nothing.

Is it my new haircut?

No.

The trenchcoat. Too cliché?

No, it's not the trenchcoat.

Then what is it?

You seem like a really nice person, but were you pregnant last week?

Are you kidding me?

You picked me up at a single mothers' Lamaze class.

That's so twisted. Oh, God.

Wait, wait, Tatiana. Tatiana. I'm sorry, okay?

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're just...

What? I'm not sexy?

No, no. Hey. Look, I did not say that, okay?

You are... Oh, my God! I can see it kicking!

You know what, Mitch?

Don't ever call me again.

No, hold on. Wait, Tatiana, don't go.

I mean, go, but just go to a hospital.

Oh, Mitch. What are you doing?

Oh, God.

I mean, it is called a push-up, Dave.

Pathetic.

Oh, God, I'm really feeling it tonight.

Holy shit.

Game on.

Oh, my God, it's going down. Oh, Mitch!

I finally get to fuck Jamie. This is my finest hour.

I hope she likes it weird.


God, I am going to ruin her!

Oh!

I need to cool it on the Thai food.

Oh, my God.

Seriously, dude, light a candle.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no. Don't back that thing up into me.

Go hose it out or something.

What?

I can't believe you'd come at me, guns hot.

Guns hot?

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not, lady. It's not going to happen tonight, okay?

I'm not attracted to you.

Rotate your turret and go night-night.


It's your turn.

Hmm?

It's your turn to feed the babies.

I don't feel like it.

Come on.

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

It's 3:00 in the morning. You go do it, you're the mother.

I'm the mother! It's 3:00 in the morning!

Get the fuck out of the bed right now before I fucking cut you!

Jesus! What the fuck?

Unreal. This is just...

Oh, please.

Hey, hey! What the fuck?


Oh, God! That did not just happen.

What?

Hey. I always thought your wife was a nice lady, but she talks like a dock worker and she shits like one, too.

Plus, I used to think your kids were adorable, but they're not.

They're fucking bananas.

Can I help you?

Here's the deal. I got two screaming...

Hold on. What's with all the heavy breathing?

Are you jerking off?

No, I'm not.

Yes, yes, yes, I am.

Look, I never get this kind of privacy any more.

Isn't that kind of my dick, though?

Is that weird?

You ask yourself that.

It sort of hooks to the side a bit.

Use your left hand, you get a little bit more torque.

That's cool. Thank you, I think.

Question.

How long have you been shaved down there?

I don't... Like, sixth grade.

Well, that's disturbing.

Gets me an extra inch, and only you married dudes rock the dick-froes.

Now, let me ask you a question.

If Tatiana was over earlier, why do you still have the need to jerk off?

Tatiana. I don't think that she's going to be back for at least...

She's never coming back, Mitch.

What did you do?

The woman is nine months pregnant!

I could see the baby's face.

I told you not to screw up my Tuesday night.

Do you have any idea how many Lamaze classes I had to sit through to get that lined up?

Is there a reason that you're calling me at 3:00 in the morning?

Yeah, the dock worker is making me feed the twins. What do I do?

Get them to the kitchen. Yup, hold on.

Stop crying. Jesus Christ.

Shut up! I fucking hear you.

Mitch.

Please. Enough!

You, there. Stay.

Stay.

All right. In the kitchen.

Go to the fridge. Okay.

Oh.

Mitch. Are you there yet?

I'm at the fridge.

Defrost two bags of breast milk in the microwave for three minutes.

And then prepare two separate bottles.

Breast milk?

First, attach the filter to the seal.

Use the blue ones, not the pink ones.

Defrost two bags. Yup.

Pretty intuitive. Then after the milk is defrosted, take it out of the microwave, pour it into the bottles, sea/ them.

Then you need to put three-eighths of a teaspoon of water...

Holy shit!

Come on, dude. Christ!

Mitch. Hey, are you listening to me?

Holy fuck!

This is important stuff Do not screw this up.

Hey!

What was that?

Mitch ? Mitch!

Everything's fine, dude. What's next?

Then you need to put three-eighths...

What the fuck?

Holy shit! Fuck!

What just happened?

Nothing. Nothing, dude. Go on. Two bottles...

Then attach a number two nipple. Jesus Christ.

Make sure you don't allow any air bubbles in.

Then, after you're done feeding them...

This is so fucked up.

Yeah!

All right.

This is what you get, okay? Yeah, right there.

Mitch. Okay, dude.

Tomorrow morning, when I am sitting in your office, you need to be downtown, finding that fucking fountain.

I do not know how much more of this shit...

...I can take.

I'm one of the guys looking for the fountain that you lost in the computer.

I'd be very, very appreciative if you could tell me where that is.

Yeah, I can do that.

Good. Great.

First, you got to fill out a formal information request.

Okay, I'm going to fill that out right now.

Then it needs to go to State.

State? Yeah, to get approved.

Why can't you approve it, Victor?

I don't have that authority.

How long is it going to take State to approve it, then?

Three days... Oh, God!

...To three weeks. Oh, come on!

Victor!

Mitch? Dave?

Hello?

Fuck!

Real bad news...

Oh, hey. Where's...

Where's Dave?

Dave's in the shower.

Are you okay?

Hey.

What's going on?

Dave's just acting really weird.

How?

He's just doing weird stuff, like he wore his shower sandals to work yesterday.

He forgot to pick up the twins from daycare.

No, he didn't. Yeah, he did.

They had to sit there for an hour and a half.

Okay.

And then last night he told me that he wasn't attracted to me any more.

I am going to kill him.

I just want you to tell me something right now, okay?

And you have to be totally honest with me.

Sure. You swear?

Yeah.

Is he having an affair?

No.

Why did you hesitate just then?

I didn't hesitate.

He's not having an affair.

Jamie, Jamie...

You guys are just going through a temporary rough patch right now.

Temporary rough patch? What are you talking about?

We've been in this for years.

You have?

I love him. You know I love him with all of my heart.

But he's...

You know his family, growing up...

He had nothing, and so he was always looking over the fence because he wanted a better life.

And that's why he worked four jobs at once, so that he could put himself through school.

And he's amazing.

I mean, nobody can do that.

But the problem is, now that he has everything, he can't turn it off.

And he still wants more and more and a second house, and more kids, and a nicer car and anything that he thinks is going to make him happy.

And so he just keeps working and he's not paying any attention to me.

And I'm miserable. Oh, God.

Because... I have huge feet.

They're size 11.

My foot has grown a half a size with each baby.

I have to go to this weird online shoe store to get shoes.

And I just want him to pay attention to me.

And I want him to grab me and kiss me like he used to.

And it's like you always say, Dave is a little bit of a pussy.

I always say that?

Yeah.

I always say that because it's true.

Dave is a little bit of a pussy.

I hope that when he makes partner, he can just finally stop and see...

And be happy, you know?

Because how can you stay married to somebody who is incapable of being happy?

What are you saying?

Holy fuck-knuckles, I've got freckles on my taint.

How awesome is that?

Hey, fag, what are you doing here?

Three days to three weeks?

You left the kids at daycare?

Come, on, Mitch! Those are my kids.

I can't do this shit any more.

No, no, no. You are going do this shit.

You don't get off that easy.

My marriage is falling apart, my job is on the line.

You are going to be the best possible me you can be right now.

Dave, you don't understand. I cannot do this.

Not even for another hour. You're gonna do it.

I don't care! You're going to stay here and do this right!

Get out of my fucking way, or I'll drown you in your own goddamn tub!

Easy, motherfucker!

If you leave now... Get your hands off me.

...This friendship is over!

Fuck you. Don't pull that shit on me.

I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm serious, Mitch. Shut up!

Jamie and the kids mean everything to me.

There's no walking out on this.

For once in your life, you got to see something through.

What the fuck does that mean?

I'm going to be honest with you, Mitch, because there's a lot on the line here.

You are a quitter.

But quitting is not an option on this one, okay?

You focus, you find it.

I don't care where, but you find it inside of yourself, okay?

I know it's there.

It's not like I'm not trying.

I just don't know how to do all your grown-up crap.

You're going to learn.

This is called a suit. You wear one every day.

Along with a necktie. Black, not white, socks.

Dress shoes, not shower sandals. Please. These are awful.

And, of course, underwear. Oh, come on.

No more commando, Mitch, you're a grown-ass man. Put them on.

This is called a schedule.

It tells you everything you need to do each day.

Pick-u ps, drop-offs, activities, play-dates, doctor's appointments, etc.

You'll notice that there are approximately 50 hours' worth of obligations on any given day. Make it work.

This is called a grocery store.

People buy food here. It's part of your responsibilities.

Before heading to the market, always call Jamie and ask her if she needs anything first.

In fact, before making any decision in your life, no matter how small, call your wife first.

Think of yourself as a brain-damaged mule, lost in the desert, helpless, dumb and in constant need of direction.

Never take the initiative, never strike out on your own, and never deviate from the plan. Why?

Because you are a brain-damaged mule and you are lost in the damn desert!

These are called children, or dependants.

Never disparage your own child.

Everything they do is a miracle from God.

When they're bad, it's only because they're tired or going through a phase.

When other kids are bad, it's because of indulgent parenting or innate defects in the child's character.

Be 15 minutes early for everything.

It doesn't matter what it is. A meeting, an event.

Less stress for me, less stress for you...

Hey! You're married now, jackass.

You can't look at other women.

You can't talk to other women.

You can't even be interesting around other women.

Do everything in your power to desexualize yourself.

Wear a fanny pack, drive a Prius, attach electronic devices to your belt, whatever it takes.

And if you find yourself forced to talk to a woman, quickly find a way to mention the fact that you're married.

It doesn't even have to make sense.

Hi, how are you? Nice weather today. He's totally fucking married.

So I can't sleep with my wife, I can't sleep with other women?

What the hell is that?

Marriage.

I think that's everything.

You got any more questions?

Do you ever have any free time?

Have you listened to a single word I've said?

There is no free time.

And at the end of the day, do you know what you get?

A fucking gun with a bullet to blow my head off with?

Sometimes you wish.

Hi.

Did you hear the good news?

Kinkabe and Amalgamated agreed to go into binding mediation in two days.

Hold up. What do you mean? Two days?

So, I'll have my briefs on your desk by lunch.

That puts my balls on your chin by dinner.

That, right there, is Schedule IV sexual harassment.

Awesome!

I'm sorry, have we met?

No, we haven't. I'm Mitch Planko.

Hi, Sabrina McKay.

Hey, Sabrina.

Hold on.

You two guys should go out. What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man!

Please stop. You two guys need to go out.

Absolutely, you two should go out.

You're so single, Mitch, right?

And you're so fucking white-hot, right? This body.

Did you do a lot of swimming in college?

Don't answer that. You bet she did.

Oh, my God, you guys need to go out, have a nice steak dinner, do some dancing, go to a Korean nightclub, get a belly full of pills.

I don't know what you're into, but just have some fun.

What about Ecco on 7th Street, Saturday at 8:3O?

Great? Great!

He's totally free, so he's going to meet you there.

Don't fuck on the roof, though.

That place has got this non-resin tar that's a bastard to wash off.

So, just oral.

Yes, you're thinking about it.

She's in.

This is good.

You're going to get me fired! I swear to God.

Shut it down. For one second, you listen to me.

For the first time in your life, you're fucking good-looking, okay?

You're single, you got the right number of fucking balls in that bag, and you got the opportunity to nail number one on your cancer list.

I can't do that. I'm not doing it.

You need this! This is fucking dinner with her!

This is so good.

I mean, what's going on between us, it's just crazy, crazy.

Here's what's crazier, not using it.

Not using it on her.

You use it for her, you use it for you, and maybe a little bit for me, you know?

Remind yourself of that. Remind yourself of the big, fucking crater you created right there on Tuesday night.

Oh, the Tuesday night, again. I could use that.

She'd fit perfectly in there. Will you please drop that?

Every day with the Tuesday night! Well, it's a big goddamn deal!

You fucked me! You owe me! Respect my life!

Respect mine.

Yeah, you respect your life.

Fine! I am proud of you.

Just promise me, you listened to every word I said.

I heard everything. Every single syllable, you got it?

Did you hear everything I said?

Caught a few things. Yeah, just enough.

You betcha. You go have a good time, little girl.

I got your life all put away here, nice and safe.

Answer my phone.

Hello.

Hi, Mitch Planko.

Bingo! Who the fuck is this?

What?

Dad? Hello?

Is this Mitch's dad? Is this Mitch, Sr?

Dave? Hi, this is Dave Lockwood.

Why are you calling me?

I just wondered if we can get together for a little while today.

Boy, it's a work day. Half an hour.

I look different. I don't like my outfit today.

Dave, half an hour.

Mitch, Sr. wants to sit down with Dave Lockwood.

Yeah. Why?

I need to talk to you about Mitch.

Hello.

Dave. How are you?

Good, thank you.

What are we doing here? When was the last time the two of us saw each other?

I don't care. Listen.

I'm getting married to a very beautiful woman named Pamela.

Her name's Pamela? Yes.

Wow, you can say "I do" in English this time.

What? Is Pamela from America?

Yes.

Anyway...

I'm not going to have anybody there.

The only family I have is Mitch.

I went to his apartment a couple of days ago and told him that Pamela would like him to say a few words at the wedding and that wasn't true.

Truth of the matter is, I would like him to say a few words, if he could find it in his heart to do so.

I don't know why you don't tell him yourself.

That is a very nice thing for a son to hear.

So, you want me to go tell Mitch that you would like him at the wedding.

He's going to say, "Why the hell does

"he want me there? He thinks I'm an idiot."

Well, that's not totally true.

I think he's got some nice qualities.

I think he's got some problem areas, too.

What are those?

You're his friend, you know him as well as I do.

You probably know him better than I do. He's a quitter!

He has never finished anything in his life.

He picks up something, he puts it down.

He's good at it for five minutes, and it's gone.

He's flaccid. No gumption. No get-up-and-go.

His accomplishments could rest comfortably on an eyelash.

Oh, he'd probably say, "Fuck you ," if he heard you say that.

Well, maybe he would and maybe he wouldn't.

But I want him to be part of my life.

With all due respect, Mr. Planko, you don't know Mitch.

What you don't realize about him is that he's a fucking Jedi!

A what? He's a Jedi Knight, sir.

And next time you see him, he's going to be slitting throats.

Fuck!

I'm not a fucking quitter!

All right, let's do this.

Good morning, Patty-cakes.

Daddy needs a box set of Law & Order, three meatball subs and a hand-folded, 24-inch samurai sword, chop-chop.

What are you doing?

I got this one. I got it.

Back to bed.

You are in dire financial need!

Objection!

Sustained.


Excuse me.

Hi.

Fuck me, she's cute.

Here comes the battement.

Fucking nice, Cara!

Sweet!

That bitch bounced. Beautiful!

Man alive! That's my daughter, bitches!

Dad's very proud. Keep going.

Oh, I mean, what did we learn from this?

Always solve my problems with violence.

That's bingo, baby! Five, up high.

No! Yes!

No, that is not the lesson that we learned, Cara.

It is!

Violence is cool.

Dave. Kidding.

I'm not kidding.

She did make a pretty funny sound, though, when she hit the ground like that. Yes, she did!

But don't make a habit out of that, okay?

I know. All right.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you, little girl.

Hey.

That ass looks real hot, you know.

You like my ass?

Yeah. Tight as a drum.

Wouldn't mind putting my drumstick in it.

Ooh! Really? Ha. Keep going.

I like how big and fat those tits have gotten.

This little calf wants to get her mouth on the udders.

And I think that I want you to fuck me like you just got out of jail.

Roger that.

And you don't even have to go down on me because I know it's late.

Appreciate it. All right, turn around.

Oh! What are you doing? Here we go.

What do you mean? I thought you said you wanted to have some sex.

Yeah, but not like two dudes at a rest stop, okay?

Okay, I got it. Want to go grab me three Q-tips?

How about we just do what we always do?

What, do you mean with a lot of eye-Contact and real personal?

Uh-huh. Come here. I love you.

Yeah. Oh, don't say that.

Let's not... How about no talking, okay?

We can do some silent sex. Seriously.

Kiss me. No, no, no. No talking.

All right, let me kiss a shoulder first. Okay? Okay.

There you go. Where's that hand going?

Hello! Did you shave your balls?

Who doesn't love a couple of smooth criminals?

Is that why there was all that pubic hair in the drain?

I would bet, yeah. Why are you still soft?

I don't know. Can we try the no-talking for just, like, three minutes?

That's all it's gonna take, okay?

Let's do it like we did it on our wedding night.

No, no, no. Jamie, what are you talking about, our fucking wedding night?

God! I can't do this! Why not?

I cannot believe I can't do this!

What the hell is happening? God damn it!

What?

You don't want to have sex with me?

Yeah, I want to have sex with you.

I've wanted to have sex with you since the sixth grade!

I mean, you should be a mess by now, but things are not... Well, let's do it!

This is new.

Sorry, Jamie.

I think I'm in over my head.

I think I'm way in over my head. I got this fucking house, and a job, and a family.

I've got you, I've got the Kids, and I've got a fucking carpool. And rules!

I've got these fucking rules, half of which I don't even understand.

This is impossible. I don't know how to be this man.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. That's okay.

That's okay.

Come here.

Yeah, it's fantastic in here.

It's very warm. I think I remember this.

Mmm-hmm.

Dave Lockwood.

Mitch! Where the hell are you?

It's been two days. I gotta know what's going on with Jamie.

Call me back.

What the hell is he doing?

Mitch. Hi.

Jamie. What are you doing here?

I come here every Saturday after yoga. What are you doing here?

I am plowing the crap out of this chick around the corner, and now we're gonna have dinner. We're gonna make some scallops, and then it's going to get ugly. This chick is a mess.

Why do you have to talk like that? You have such a sweet side.

You should let people into your sweet side.

Yeah. Listen, I wanted to ask you something.

The other night, you were in a pretty dark place.

Oh, yeah. I know.

How's that going with Dave?

Is he treating you a little bit better?

Yeah. He's been very sweet.

Really open and communicative... Good.

He held my hand all night while we slept last night.

Attaboy!

Did you tell Dave to shave his balls?

Uh...

Don't act like you didn't tell him. I know it came from you.

Don't be a bad influence on him.

I though you two might like that.

No, I don't like that. It needs some coverage.

Yeah, I'll tell him to grow it out.

It was really great seeing you. You okay?

I'm good. In fact, I'm much... Much better now.

Good. Yeah.

Okay. All right.


Okay, I'm awake.

Fuck it.

Hello, I'm trying to find... Oh, come on!

Look, bring it to me in the office. I don't care.

Relax, I'll be there. Yes, sir.

Just look at... This is important. Taxi!

Thank you.

Thank you, America.

Whoa!


I've got my eye on you!

Go for Lockwood.

Mitch, I'm panicking over here.

I haven't been on a date in 18 years.

I'm drowning in my own fear.

Relax and calm down.

Don't tell me to relax! You did this to me. I can't do it, okay?

Don't move, I'll be right there.

Mitch?

Hey.

How do I look?

Just grow a mustache and lure a child into your van.

Where did you find that shit?

The back of your closet.

Put it back!

These are called jeans.

They've been popular with America's youth for over 60 years.

Jeans to a restaurant? Yeah, jeans to a restaurant.

Look who else can hit.

In order to feel confident, you got to look good, okay?

This is a vest, put that on.

Okay, this is called gel or product.

Too little, you look like a pedophile, too much and you look Persian.

Mitch, I have done everything that you have asked of me.

I got the jeans on, I got the vest, the gel in my hair...

You look great. ... but I am not going to do this.

Yes, you are going to do this. Why do I have to do this?

Because it shows that you're considerate, that you're clean, that you're American.

Why do you even care? It's my body!

It's my body right now!

I'm scared!

There, we have it.

Nobody ever needs to know that this happened, Mitch.

Boy, real tempting to kiss my own dick.

Ah, that tickles.

Shh, you're jiggling the sac.

Oh, you're going to go all the way back there, huh?

We're going to dinner, not Rio.

AH right. You got any extra batteries?


Hi.

Mitch. How are you?

Okay.

So...

What the weather?

Listen, the only reason I'm here is because my boss told me to be.

This is not a date. This is not a "get to know you."

This is just me trying to save my job.

I'm going to go.

Just sit the fuck back down.

I showered, I showed up, I'm starving and I could use a drink.

How long have you known Dave?

My whole life, actually.

And have you ever seen him act like he did yesterday?

Like a super-douche?

Yeah.

Uh, I have, at times.

But I'm really hoping that he didn't say anything to offend you.

He totally did.

But I like being offended, just usually after work.

Wow.

Here's the bottle you ordered, sir. Excellent.

Mmm-mmm, send that shit back.

Bring us two Macallan 25s, neat.

Right away, ma'am. Right away.

So, let me ask you something.

It's a question.

How do you like working with Dave?

How is he?

I love it.

I mean, he's a brilliant lawyer.

He's the best.

Actually, if you must know, I used to kind of have a crush on Dave.

Oh, no, you didn't!

You're funny.

I mean, obviously, he's married, so...

Right, obviously, obviously, obviously.

Super-married. What do you do, Mitch?

Me? For a living? Yeah.

You know, I am...

I...

When I'm not eating hummus and ferociously masturbating, I dabble in light porn.

I hear that's a growth industry. Yeah!

I'm just going to get everything on the dessert menu.

I'm going to order, like, six desserts.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no!

Do I have anything in my teeth?

That's a lot of sugar.

Yeah. A lot of scotch!

Yeah. That was a lot of fun, is what it really was.

Was? What, are we done?

It's only 2:00!

No! I'm just messing with you.

No, let's...

We'll go to a rave or something. You want to get raving?

People raving right now?

Let's rave! Yeah.

I forgot about raves!

Man, I'm messing with you.

Go and do that? No.

I do have an idea. Uh-huh.

What do you think about doing something that we will really, really regret in the morning?

You into it?

Yeah, we can definitely do that.

Okay!

Okay. Let's go. All right, let's go.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God!

Oh. Wow. Really?

Are you sure that's what you want?

Absolutely. I like that.

You're okay with that being on your body for, like, forever?

I feel pretty good about it.

How is yours down there?

It's good.

It tickles a little.

Rico. Yo.

What do you think of this turn, man?

I don't know, man.

Ask Tommy. Tommy!

Yeah, man.

Check this out, man.

You never did tell me about your childhood.

Really? Now?

With the Sons of Anarchy between your...

Um, let's see here...

Tommy, Rico. Hey, guys.

We are sightseeing now.

Let's move it along, please. Come on.

You are such a gentleman.

Now you only have one ponytailed ex-convict between your legs, so everything is fine.

I'm kidding. I was absolutely joking.

I love your ponytail. And that little pirate beard.

Sun kidding.

That's me, there.

This is you. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, that is nice. Thanks.

Yeah.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Hey, Mitch?

Yeah.

Are you going to call me?

I thought you said this wasn't a date.

Things change.

That's a cute tie. Thank you.

You should wear that to the party.

What party?

Our anniversary party.

Our anniversary party? Why the fuck wasn't I...

What about Mitch?

You said you didn't want him to come.

I did? Yeah.

You said you were really embarrassed of him.

That's why I didn't invite him.

I can't believe I don't remember that.

You also said that you thought that he would get hammered and hit on all of our married friends, be mean to my grandma and turn the whole thing into a key party.

Once, that happened.

And you said he would force everyone to do Kamikaze shots, spike the punch with ecstasy, give all the girls breast exams and...

That was the same party.

Hmm. Weird.

Maybe we should talk about your bad memory at Dialogue Night.

Stilton Coffee House tonight. Don't forget.

Okay. Okay?

Bye.


Hello.

This is District Manager Carla Nelson from the Atlanta Department of Parks.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we have found that fountain.

It's been moved to 1100 Peachtree Boulevard.

You found it. Okay, well...

Okay, we'll be there soon.

All righty, then. Have a good day.

Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Good. Just on my way to see Dave.

Actually, all the senior staff is going to be at the mediation tomorrow.

So, I snagged Flemming's seats to the Marlins-Braves game.

You, me, beer, baseball.

What more could a guy want?

Don't take this the wrong way.

I would really love to go to that game with you, but I don't...

Are you breaking up with me?

What? I'm messing with you.

Oh!

Look, it is just a baseball game.

They're dugout seats.

Whatever you have to do, cancel it.

Hey.

They found the fountain.

Yeah, they did. She called me, too.

Yeah.

So...

Good news.

Yeah, it's good news.

Awesome.

We should probably go, you know, take a piss.

Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

Yeah.

Except... Except?

Except, the mediation is tomorrow, and I've been working my ass off on that.

Yeah, you've been working real hard on that.

And I want to prove to myself and to people that I can see that through.

And you should. Yeah.

You deserve that.

What are you saying?

We could wait.

You want to wait? We could wait a day.

Push it a day? Or a week?

We should wait to switch. We can do it...

A month? Yeah.

It's time.

Really, what is time?

Come here, Dave.

Come on, buddy.

This went so well. Yeah, it did.

It's kind of surprising.

Very surprising.

If they offer you one red cent over $700 million, you accept that. Got it?

Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I?

Why wouldn't you?

Great! Good!

What's the worst that can happen? Nothing can happen!

I think it's fine.

Dave Lockwood.

Did you forget something?

Who is this? Your wife.

Oh.

Ummm. Did I forget something? I don't know. What?

Never mind.

It's the mediation tomorrow, so I'm under it.

I can't play.

So, how did it go? How much money is it?

Just two hours, so, 14 bucks.

Great.

Sorry you got stood up.

He just forgot.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

He forgot me at the coffee shop when all I wanted to do was go and talk to him.

Which isn't a lot to ask, do you think?

What do you want me to say?

Well, have you ever been stood up by a man?

Not really. Uh-huh.

Our parents drive us places, though, so...

Bottom line, Katie, is work always comes first, and we always come second.

And I don't think that's ever going to change.

I've got to go home now because I have this Spanish test, so...

I can write you a note.

I guess deep down, I'm afraid that I'll keep compromising until getting the shit end feels normal.

And then I'll be so beaten down by life that, just for a second, I will consider asking the homeless guy at the car wash who looks like Kris Kristofferson to rub my shoulders.

And I will, and he will.

And you know what? It'll be wonderful.

And I'll love it.

Because why not?

I mean, I'm not getting anything here.

Nobody's fucking me here.

You know, Katie, this is exactly why people get divorced.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. That was way out of line.

Do you want some ice cream?

I'm not getting any closer to leaving, am I?

No.

Wow!

It's looking good out there.

Hudson loves the sinker. He's been crushing them all year.

Listen to you, you are a big baseball fan!

Yeah, huge.

I didn't know that about you.

I was Phil Niekro for Halloween three years in a row as a kid.

No way! Phil Niekro is my number one favorite of all time!

Why is my voice so high?

Thank you for coming in today.

My name is Erin Walsh, and I'll be mediating your claim.

Any and all agreements made during this mediation are binding and carry with them the full rights and responsibilities of the law as stated in Federal Code 325 A, Section 4.

Kinkabe agrees in principle to the terms of the sale and valuates your company at $625 million.

This is their best and final offer.

There is no way we can make this deal.

Six-twenty-five is not the end of the world.

You've just got to know when it's time to quit.

Fuck that noise. We are not quitting.

I think you can do better, Ted.

I beg your pardon.

I don't see anybody headed for the door.

This is just like trying to fuck a Catholic girl who keeps saying, "No, I don't want to. I'm really drunk and you're circumcised."

But she keeps on making out with you, she's not leaving your Fiero...

It means she really wants to.

She just needs a little bit of a nudge.

A little bit of a coax, little bit of a tickle.

Just to rationalize it to herself, to her God.

Do you know what I mean?

No, Dave. We most definitely do not know what you mean.

Okay. What I mean is, they want to spend more, they just don't know it, all right?

If this really was their final offer, they'd be leaving, but they're not.

They're sticking around. They've got more money to spend.

She wants to unroll that rubber at the bottom of her purse that she put in there three semesters ago.

How much more do you think we can get out of them?

Ten million? Fifteen?

Pull those panties to the side, Ted, and take a hundred more.

What?

Do not listen to him, Ted. He is beyond reckless.

If we make too large a counter offer, we risk driving them away.

Ted, it doesn't hurt to ask.

You would not believe the nasty shit I get these girls to do, just by asking.

Honestly, it's revolting.

It does seem odd that they're not leaving.

Punch her in the seat.

You can tell Kinkabe we want an extra 100 million.

And that is our final offer, because we're leaving.

Fuel the jet, let's go.

For the record, I did not support that decision.

Sir!

Sir, Mr. Kinkabe has agreed to $725 million.

The deal is closed!

Oh, my God!

What did I tell you?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Wow.

Are you glad you came now?

Am I glad I came? It's like the greatest day of my life!

Where did that come from?

Hang on, hang on, I got it.

Oh, no, they are going to call it.

Man, this is amazing. I can't believe they're making me partner.

I'm the greatest lawyer, ever.

What a day.

So, now you can be happy.

Do you think they are going to give me a medal?

Could you imagine an engraved sword?

Honestly, I'd be happy with anything engraved.

A sword or a spear.

Even a shield would be good.

Slap it, Cara. Cara.

We are gathered here tonight to celebrate the newest partner in our esteemed firm.

David Andrew Lockwood was born on March 25th, 1974.

By all accounts, Dave was a sweet, diligent, hardworking little boy.

Wow.

Yeah, I know.

I love it.

Why?

It reminds me of high school.

I feel like I'm about to lose my virginity.

Bathroom?

Yeah, right there.

Do you want a drink or something?

Or warm clothes or I can get you a drink?

No, it's okay. We'll have one after.

Okay. After what?

Relax, Mitch, you're going to get laid tonight.

In high school, Dave graduated first in his class.

After winning a full scholarship to Princeton, Dave, amazingly, graduated in just three years.

And after graduating from Yale Law School with honors, Dave clerked for Justice Souter on the United States Supreme Court.

Work is hard.

I like going to baseball games and drinking too much, and getting tattoos at 3:00 in the morning.

Yeah.

Boot. Take it off.

We were not put on this earth to work, breed and die.

No, we were not... Don't interrupt me, handsome.

We are here to have fun.

Right? Yeah.

Boot.

I just think there's too many rules.

Think about all the amazing experiences that we miss out on because we're so worried about what other people will think.

Why can't I be a professional, successful woman who sleeps with someone she just met?

You know?

I haven't heard a word you said since you took your pants off.

Shirt.

Shirt.

You smell like lemons.

I do smell like lemons.

Oh, God, you're nervous. I like that.

Your leg is shaking.

That's not my leg.

Take off my bra.

All Of it?

Just the parts covering the breasts.

That's a good start.

Oh, that's great.

At the end of the day...

Holy shit!

...I am just tired of over-thinking things.

I'm tired of over-thinking things, too.

We should just do what we want to do.

Let's do it. Let's just do it.

The only thing Dave loves more than the law is his beautiful wife, Jamie.

Their life is like a fairy tale made even more perfect by their three adorable children.

So, as we celebrate one partnership tonight...

Look, Daddy, it's you and me.

...would bring most men to their knees, but not Dave.

He excelled on all fronts, putting the rest of us to shame.

I didn't earn this.

The /aw may be the first thing on Dave's mind, but his family has always been the first thing in his heart.

What should we do with each other, Mitch?

Oh, God, everything.

We could...

Is that a...

Is that a many-spotted skipperling?

Yeah.

Mmm.

You can have whatever you want.

What do you want to do?

I want to go home.

What?

I want to go home.

What? I don't...

I got a meeting. I got to go.

Lockwood residence.

Where is Dave?

Dave is at the country club. They made him partner.

A brilliant attorney, loving husband, devoted father.

It is my distinct honor to introduce to you, our newest partner, David Lockwood.

Way to go, Dave.

Congratulations, Dave.

You deserve it.

This is not my life.


ls she kissing the wrong guy?

I know it's weird. Just go with it.


We tried to tell you.

You ready to take a piss?

You bet your ass I am.

I love you, pumpkin.


Are you sure this is the address?

Yeah, this is the place.

You got to be kidding me. Oh, wow.

Jesus Christ, it's like the whole city is in here tonight.

Okay, let's just do this. Come on.

How are we supposed to get this done?

You just be super cool... and don't draw attention to yourself.

Why aren't you peeing?

I got a lot of people around me.

Don't yell at me. I'm all locked up.

No one is even looking at us. We're fine.

Mommy, that man is peeing in the fountain!

Oh, my God.

The cat is out of the bag, buddy. You got to go now.

Why don't you take a picture? Mitch!

Come on!

It's snipped. Mitch! Mitch!

By the way, why didn't you invite me to your anniversary party?

Okay, look...

I feel really bad about that but can we talk about that at another time?

There is a girl scout staring at my penis.

I want to talk about it right now.

Really?

Are you embarrassed of me?

I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, I was.

But I'm not any more.

I'm actually proud of you, Mitch.

Really?

Really.

Attaboy!

I think that's what had me all locked up.

Hey!

Shit, we got security on us.

We got to do this right now.

Three, two, one...

I wish I had my old life back!

What did they say?

Do you feel any different? No, go again.

I wish I had my old life back!

Oh, shit! Come on, guy!

We are running out of time here. Three, two, one...

I wish I had my old life back!

Bingo! Nice! Let's go, this way!

I'm peeing all over people, slow down!

Watch it!

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Pardon me.


Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.

Pumpkin! Pumpkin, I'm back.

Pumpkin, wake up.

Can you wake up, baby? I'm back, I'm back.

Oh, my God, I missed you so much. Oh, honey.

Okay, I owe you an explanation for last night.

I owe you an apology for this week.

And most importantly, I owe you a fix for the last five years.

Honey, things are changing, I promise.

You and the kids mean everything to me. Nothing is more important.

In fact, I'm going to quit my job.

I'm going to work today, I'm going to quit my job.

I'm going to apply to Kinko's, all right?

Or maybe Chick-fil-A or Waffle House? Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold on, just a second. Foot Locker?

It is the middle of the night. Shh.

All right, I don't know what's going on with you two dorks.

That's enough.

I don't want you to quit your job.

What are you talking about?

You love your job and you love the law.

I love that about you.

I just want you to come home for dinner.

I know. And Dialogue Night.

And to see the kids.

And I want you to want to be here.

I do. You have no idea.

You don't have to get all, like, "I'm going to quit my job."

It's my turn. No, no, no.

Back to bed. They're mine.

I love you.

Hi!

Look who's up.

Good morning.

Hi, my little man.

And how are you this morning, little princess?

Good morning.

How was your sleep?

Yeah, I know.

Okay, she's first.

She's a little bit more vocal.

Right?

Are you trying to tell me you've got a little surprise?

Did you make me something special?

Daddy.

Hi, sugarbug, come here.

Give me a hug, sweetie.

Good morning.

You smell like a pillow.

Stay here, talk to me. Sit on that chair.

Tell me about school.

I want to know what you learned yesterday, okay?

And I want to hear everything.

Did you know that atoms are smaller than a grain of sand?

How amazing is that?

So amazing!

And everything on this planet is made out of atoms.

Which is kind of strange because I think that means that I'm the same as a piece of fruit or a fish or this chair!


I'm me. God, I'm me. Thank you. Thank you.

God, look at that. Gorgeous!

God, it's so good to be back!

Oh, yeah.

Welcome home. I missed you.

Look at that, two perfectly shorn balls.

Hi.

I left my purse. I would have called but...

But you left your phone in your purse.

Yeah. Right.

I just wanted to apologize, because I know that I probably came off a little aggressive last night, and I just wanted to say sorry.

No.

Don't apologize. I apologize.

I probably came off a little gay last night.

I hope you will allow me the opportunity to straighten things out for you.

Hey, guess what? It's breakfast time.

Do you want to get some breakfast?

Yeah.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to unite this man and this woman in the...

Mitch, you came.

I'm very, very touched. Thank you.

You're welcome, Dad.

Ooh!

Fuck me! This must be my new mom.

Hi, Mitch Planko.

Good. Thank you.

She's holding onto me.

Okay, good, let go.

Keep away from him. The man's a pervert.

Happy anniversary, Jamie and Dave!

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mitch Planko.

I was that nut sack's best man 10 years ago.

Here we go.

When we were kids, Dave and I, we had a lot of big plans.

Dave, he was going to be an astronaut, and I was going to sell dolphins on the black market.

Astronaut!

There's a reason I'm not selling dolphins.

We live in Atlanta, they're tough to find.

And those things, they don't sleep, which also makes it real hard to catch them.

But I think that we all know that life doesn't always turn out exactly how you plan it.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it turns out better.

Dave, /think there's a reason that you're not wa/king on the moon right now.

It's because you belong here, in your life, with that incredible woman sitting beside you.

Can we please raise our Kamikaze shots to my two best friends, please?

To Dave and Jamie.

Dave and Jamie!

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary!

How did I do? You're such a poet.

You're Robert Frost. Who?

It doesn't matter. God, you're good looking.

Yeah.

I'm going to meet you in five minutes. All right.

Okay.

I took care of you guys, huh?

We love you.

Oh...

Come on. Really?

Hey, buddy. I love you.

I love you, man.

How are things going at home? Good?

Yeah. I mean, come on.

Yeah. Yeah, it's great. It's fantastic.

Good. Yeah.

What about you? What about Sabrina?

Good. It's good. We're taking things slow, but it's good.

Is it weird that I miss your penis?

Come on. It would be weird if you didn't.


What are we doing here?

We're doing this.

Huh?

A little treat from Uncle Mitch.

Do you remember how to do this? okay.

Oh.

I know. Mmm.

it's fun, though, right?

Yay! Let's go look at some fish.

Okay.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Ow! What the hell was that? Oh.

Explain yourself!

You've never heard of the Bryant Gumbel?

Let's do that again.

Why?

Mitch sent us a video. Yeah? That's weird.

No entry!

Steve Driver, you perfect bastard, you!

Oh, no.

Oh, Steve, it's like Christmas in my ass!

What are you doing with my wife, man?

Dimitri? Hey, join the fuck party.

Let's make lady sandwich. Okay.

Oh, my God. Not very well made, huh?

When was that shot? Who Knows? Probably years ago.

"Thank you for covering me last week. Love what you did with my hair."

Hey!

You got with a man?

Dimitri was surprisingly gentle, and we were very safe.

Uh-huh.

He smelt a little like lamb, though.

That pooper shot looked real. No. God, please, don't!

It did. Oh, God.

Dave? What?

Can you change my oil?

No, I can't!

I'm gonna cut my thumbs off tomorrow, I swear to God.

And we're gonna destroy that thing first thing in the morning. Okay?

I don't want you to. I like it.

Hey, hey! Oh! It's growing in so nicely.

Yeah. Real in-between phase.

It's like Sonny Crockett