The Clapper (2017) Script

This is Eddie Krumble.

Leave a message at the beep.

Eddie, it's your mother.

I'm leaving this message on your machine.

We saw you on the television here on your real estate show.

You looked very handsome. Call your mother.

So you're trying to tell me, with no money down, I can get a house?

This is Eddie Krumble.

Leave a message at the beep. I can get a house.

Eddie, it's the machine again.

House.

You're trying to tell me, with no money down, I can get a house? - We're freezing here.

You're trying to tell me, with no money down, I can get a house? - We live in an icebox.

I can get a house?

A house? House?

Eddie, tell 'em...


Next stop, Hollywood and Highland.

Enjoy your day.

Hollywood bus tour! $13 all day. Hop in, hop off.

Hollywood bus tour. Hey, Hollywood bus tour.

Hollywood bus tour! Hollywood bus tour!

Hollywood bus tour. Hop on, hop off, $13 all.

Hey! Harry!

Hey, Chris, Eddie. Another day in hell, huh?

Living the dream, living the dream.

Hey, you doing your shows today?

Yeah, I got two questions. Extra hundred bucks.

Outta sight! Hey, you gotta hook me up with that.

I'll try, you know? Making a living, right?

Making a living, yeah. Hollywood bus tour!

Hop on, hop off. $13 all day.

Hollywood bus tour. Hollywood bus tour, sir?

Hop on, hop off, all day. See Hollywood.

You good? I'm good.

Filled up? All right.

No money down! No money down!

No money down! No money down!

Yes, yes! That's absolutely right!

And remember, what you're talking about here is almost an acre of property for pennies on the dollar!

Pennies on the dollar! Pennies on the dollar!

And at Tranquil Estates, we have seven lakes just teeming with catfish, thirteen playgrounds and three golf courses.

Yes, go tweet about that right now, sir.

Uh-huh, yes, sir.

So you mean to tell me, with no money down, I can buy a house?

You're a fine listener, sir. Exactly!

Yes, my friends, we want you to enjoy the neighbors, the Clooneys, the Kardashians, and that's if we still have a lot for them.

One resident was candidly quoted as saying, the earth simply opened up, and down the drain they went.

Oh!

Yeah, right?

One day you're doing stuff, the next day...

You put yourself out there, something's bound to happen sooner or later.

Keep it simple. That's what I'm saying.

Pay me to clap, maybe I get a question, make a few extra bucks, I'm good.

Oh, my God, no way.

Alan Thicke, Alan Thicke! That's crazy.

Me and Chris, we were just talking about you.

We were in the audience. I asked the question.

No money down, not one penny.

Hey, you remembered that. Good. Oh, great.

By the way, you said that perfectly.

You nailed that line, and you looked good.

You guys were very good. Best audience money can buy.

That place is nice, right?

Yeah, you're gonna... you're gonna love it there.

Sign up.

So if I wanted to get a place for, like, like just...

No money down. Not one penny.

No money down! Yeah! Sorry. Just from the show, right?

Yeah, you were listening. That's great.

He's a candidate, that guy.

Listen, you know, I just come by here to grab a bite to eat, take it home with me, long day at the office.

I don't mean to bother you or nothing.

I'm asking Alan Thicke. Is it really down there?

Tell you what, the food's taking a little while, okay?

But here's what's gonna happen.

If you guys don't shut up, I'm gonna kill ya.

And I'll hurt your friend. Have a nice day.

How much gas do you need? Well, you never know.

You just got a quarter tank.

I think you just like going to this gas station.

I'll be right back.

Hi, Judy. Hi, Eddie.

Hey, so, um, I'll do four dollars and...

Four-fifty. Pump three.

I saw Chris earlier.

Um, sorry, the speaker's broke.

I saw Chris earlier.

Oh, Chris? Yeah, he's in the car.

Gas can.

Oh, he had a dog with him?

What?

A dog?

I can't hear you.

Um, sorry. I can't... What?

The speaker's broken.

The... Can you hear me?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if you go over there by the pump, you can hear me better.

Back here? Can you hear me now?

Okay. But I can hear you.

Right here. It's broken every other day.

Yeah, you're right there.

You said Chris has a dog?

He walks his friend Walter's dog, yeah.

He's an optometrist.

At least he says he is, but I don't know.

Chris's dog?

No, the dog's not an optometrist, Judy.

Unbelievable.

You know what would be a good idea?

I mean, just off the top of my head, maybe put out some flash cards for the customers so they can hold up the cards that say what they want, like "cigarettes" or "I want more gas" or...

Lottery tickets? Yeah, lottery tickets!

You know, different cards for when the speaker goes out.

Yeah, that would be really helpful.

You always have such good ideas.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, my God, you're killing me!

I'm gonna get the gas, Judy.

All right. Bye.

Bye, Eddie.

Pull the trigger, dispense the nail, and whack it in with one hand. Or switch hands.

It'll feel like someone else is whacking it for you.

So what you're telling me is, "Goodbye, conventional hammer?"

You hit the nail on the head, sir.

Goodbye, conventional hammer. Goodbye, conventional nails.

Goodbye, conventional life.

And hello, Nailhammer!

Much better on the question, Eddie, but, Chris, you have to be laughing harder when that sign comes on.

Your little chuckles aren't gonna cut it anymore.

No more chuckles. Right.

And, Alma, enough with the sandwiches already, okay?

We're trying to do a show. Stop with the eat...

I had two questions today. That's like an extra 100 bucks.

Uh, sorry, word from above is no more bonuses for speaking.

Yugoslavia! Yes, ma'am.

Normal people don't wear red, okay?

That guy, he got a nail in his hand, right?

Thank you. Thank you for the info.

This stuff is for SAG members only, so unless you have a SAG card, I need you to keep it moving.

Excuse me! We're part of the show, all right?

So we got every much a right to that as anybody.

Chris, get whatever you want.

Okay, just... That's enough. Use a plate.

There's napkins.

That's unsanitary.

What's going on with the sandwich police back there?

That was unbelievable.

These people walk all over you, you know what I'm saying?

You know why? 'Cause we don't have a union.

That's what we need, a union.

Yep, totally. That's what I'm saying.

You know what Rudy was telling me, from market research?

Oh, not Rudy.

Yeah, he said that all those shows in the '70s, all those clappers are all dead now.

I heard the same thing.

So how do they use the new ones?

They're all dead people.

Using who? The new ones?

Yeah, they're like dead people laughing.

How is that even possible? That's crazy.

Wait, what? Who's even telling the story?

Who? Me. I'm telling the story.

Okay, if I wasn't such an idiot, I would feel like a moron, hanging out with you people.

Oh, yeah. That's why I gotta find a backup before we're all dead and clapping.

No, I don't want to be laughing and dead.

I don't even want to be a part of that group.

That's not a thing. You can't.

We ain't gonna make no money laughing or dead.

From Hollywood, California, it's the Jayme Stillerman Show.

Eddie, it's your mother.

We saw you on the TV talking about your juice thing.

I'll tell you what I really think.

I think maybe you looked not so good on it because the lights...

Ma, hi, it's me.

We saw your show!

I keep telling ya, Ma, these ain't my shows, okay?

- What? It's two in the morning there.

Why are you calling me right now?

How on Earth do some of these ideas ever make it on television?

At least I wonder that. Take a look at this.

Okay, Gladys told you this?

How did Gladys tell you this? She can't speak English.

It's a spoon, a fork and collapsible plate all in one, and you don't have to wait for anything ever?

That's the best invention.

It's three-dimensional.

Ma, the whole reason I moved out here was to move on.

That's what I'm doing.

Where's De Niro?

Thanks, Ma, but I'm telling you, these ain't my shows.

I just get paid to clap.

Sometimes I ask a few questions, but I blend in.

That's what I do. I blend in.

And the acting? This guy's incredible.

I'm not depressed.

Take a look at this. Words cannot describe this.

Are you trying to tell me, for no money down, I can buy a house?

Where's Scorsese when you need him?

Ma, I gotta go.

And that mustache.

And then, as we're going through the show, my producers and I are thinking, "Hey, doesn't this guy look familiar?"

It delivers a little grip without slip.

Grip with no slip!

Can we freeze on that for a second?

And bring back the previous one.

Put a mustache on the clean-shaven one. Ta-da!

I don't know about you, Spider, but I'm definitely seeing a resemblance here.

As we're going through the tapes, we keep seeing this guy.

Look, it's him.

That's him. And that's him.

In case you thought our audience member skills were limited, he kicks butt too!

I mean, this guy's everywhere.

All right, anybody with information leading to the identification of this person, who we are officially naming The Clapper, please get in contact with us.

We need to know who this man is, and we need him on this show. Spider, take us out.

If Louise finds out about this, she's never gonna let me work again, you know?

She flips out if you wear the same shirt twice.

You saw what she did to Yugoslavia, right?

Being a face in the crowd, that's our thing.

I'm done. You worry too much, Eddie.

Nobody's probably ever gonna see that sort of TV show anyway.

Yeah? I'm telling ya.

The movie star, huh? Yeah.

I saw you on the Stillerman Show last night.

Yeah, thanks, Alfie. I was saying to my wife.

Saw you on the Stillerman Show. That was awesome.

You are totally fucked, dude!

Just tell Louise I'm sick or something and find out what she's thinking or what she knows, okay?

All right.

You're a star! I give you some fries!

How you doing, Alfie?

Ma, I'm not trying to get discovered.

I just wanna work. That's all I wanna do.

Well, Gladys... it's obvious, honey... thinks these disguises are ridiculous.

Yeah. Ma...

She said the beard, the mustache...

Ma, Ma, I'm not trying to get discovered.

I'm just trying to not get fired, you know, which has probably already happened.

I gotta go. Tell Gladys I said hi and to lay off this TV stuff because it's not helpful.

I'll try and shut that thing off.

Okay, bye.

Hey, hey, buddy, you leave your stuff!

Judy in yet? Throw the garbage over there.

Excuse me, is Judy in yet?

Wow.

No, fuck you. What do you need?

What? Can I help? Fuck you!

How can I help? Fuck you.

Wow.

That is... That is really loud.

You should put a paper towel or something on that 'cause it's...

I know, I know. Yeah, I know.

It's loud out here. Listen, listen.

Pick up your garbage and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, no, thanks. Thank you, buddy.

Just get out of here.

Hey, Judy! Judy!

Over here. Buddy!

Hey, buddy, where you going? This not all right!

Judy!

Buddy!

Hey. Hey.

Look at you. You look like...

You're outside of your box.

Are you kidding me right now? This is crazy.

You're like a real person. I didn't even know.

You look normal. I'm grabbing a soda, I have a 20-minute break, so...

Okay, great.

Can I walk you? Sure.

Yeah, 'cause I was just driving around anyway, so...

I'll just add that to my list of errands.

Get a soda, you know? Great.

Cool. Light is green. Great.

The light's green.

Get whatever you want, by the way.

Oh, I have money. It's okay.

It's on me. This one is on me. I've been thinking about this ever since I first got gas at your place.

I pulled in, and you were like, "Can I help you?"

And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, for sure."

You were talking about how you'd like to go to Mexico

'cause you got a goat or something...

Grady.

Yeah, he's got one horn. Totally.

Got a one-horned goat. I'm not gonna forget that.

You're too funny. How about I get the food?

I'll get the food, and you go sit down.

Oh, get us a table inside. There's never anybody in there.

Really? It's totally weird. Yeah.

Just less people, you know? Okay, yeah.

I'll go inside. Okay.

Wow.

Yeah. Fries are the best, right?

It's crazy, right? There's just nobody in here.

It's like my quiet spot.

Yeah, it's great.

You know what's great is you get a break from work.

That's so great.

Yeah, I'm just really worried about getting fired.

Fired? They're not gonna fire you.

If they fired you, getting gas there would just be like getting gas.

I wouldn't come back.

They would lose my business for sure.

Thanks.

I'm serious. What about you?

I mean, you must be so excited about all your shows.

I wouldn't... I can't imagine doing that.

It's all right. I mean, you know, it's a job.

I got this problem though.

Do you know about the Stillerman TV show?

Do you know that thing on TV?

My TV broke a while ago.

I'm not really even a TV girl anyway.

Hmm. Yeah, okay.

Don't worry about this firing stuff.

Honestly.

Like, whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen, or whatever those people say.

Or something like that. Did I say that right?

Yeah, but even if everything didn't work out, I would just go back to the shelter with Grady.

You know? And there's just so many... there's all those freaked out kind of animals.

And then there are these half-pig, half...

Half a pig. Yes. He wears an eye patch.

I know. Yeah.

I guess I'm just saying it wrong, really, but it's just amazing, Yeah. I don't know. Someday.

Well, I would miss you if you went to Mexico.

You're not married?

Hmm? Uh, no. Yeah.

What? No.

Whoa! What?

Whoa! What? You gotta be kidding me.

Unbelievable.

Well, there goes the peace and quiet.

Okay, Donny!

Let's get this piece of shit out of here, baby!

Thank you very much, buddy.

Bye, Tony. Thank you, buddy, thank you.

So we received such positive feedback from all of you about our Clapper friend that we're starting a new segment tonight called...

"Who is The Clapper?"

So in our relentless quest to find our questioning, clapping disguise man, we took it to the streets to ask this one important question.

Do you recognize this gentleman here?

This guy? He looks like a straight-up idiot to me.

Loser!

He wants to get his picture in the newspapers.

Rob! Rob! We're from The Jayme Stillerman Show, I love you. I love the Giants. It's a great team.

Do you recognize this man right here?

He looks familiar. He looks like... maybe like a porn star or something like... a doggy-style type porn star.

And just as we felt our search was headed nowhere, right in our very own backyard, we ran into a man named Chris Plork.

Do you recognize this gentleman here?

Yeah, I know this guy, yeah.

Oh, my God.

You actually know this man?

You know The Clapper?

Yeah.

Tell me a little something about him.

He saw the stuff on the TV, and he's like, you know, what's going on, you know?

Does he have any demands for us?

If The Clapper could talk to you, he probably would say he wants you just to know he would just want it to be okay for him to keep doing his TV shows and stuff.

Really.

Can you get us in touch with The Clapper?

Oh, my God.

I was there. They came up to me.

I was waiting to talk to Louise.

Did they even talk to Louise?

No! She said she didn't know you.

To who? You just said that she didn't talk...

They had some kind of cardboard cutout or something of you.

What? Yeah.

It was beautiful. Looked nice.

Did Louise see this cardboard cutout?

She seen it sitting right there. It was right there. Yeah.

Then we don't have jobs.

Yugoslavia said the same thing.

Yeah, well, he's right.

Why couldn't you just say you didn't know anything?

I tried, but the producer guy came up to me with his number in case you want to call him.

I don't want anything to do with the show, Chris.

You need to call him and tell him that you thought you knew what you were talking about, but... you know, or something, but you didn't.

And that's it, all right?

Listen, I get it. I'm not mad.

I just need you to undo whatever that was that happened there.

You never know. Good things could come out of this.

Yugoslavia say he'd get us on one of the Law and Order shows.

What?

Attention!

Is that English?

Eddie, what does that say?

Attention, everybody, attention!

Pongasela. Pongasela.

Pongasela!

No matter what, if you win or if you lose, you need to put the wig on. That was the deal.


Judge Hermanos, yeah!

I don't know what the hell that was, but that was horrible.

No doubt.

How many more of these we got?

Got like one in like half an hour.

At least it's something, right?

Gracias, right?

Next in line.

I want to take Judy on another date, but like even French fries are a stretch right now.

You gotta talk to Louise, man. And for real.

Tell her I just had nothing to do with the Stillerman Show.

Dude, dude, you're the dude! Look! It's you! You're the guy!

You're you, man. What?

You're The Clapper guy. That's you!

Dude, that's... that's you!

And you're, what, a potato?

Hey, man, you say potato. I say nice mustache.

It's okay, Eddie.

Man, we were saying how funny you are on the...

We were saying how funny you are.

Yeah, the problem is I wasn't trying to be funny.

I didn't even want to be on the show, okay?

Yeah, they just sort of took over my life.

They did whatever the fuck they wanted, You know what we should do? We should put him in a net.

And then we should bring him in and get like a reward.

Great, potato man. I'd love to see you try that.

Eddie, he's a potato. Fuck him.

No, don't fuck him. Mom, that's the clap man!

It's him! That's not nice! Knock it off!

You gonna be Mr. Mashed Potato.

No, no, he's right, yeah.

You've seen me on TV. I'm the clap guy, right?

I'm The Clapper. See? It's me. I clap!

Hey, look at that! Clap, clap, right?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! And I laugh!

Not just a little chuckle, no.

Like a big laugh, like ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Fuck you!

Oh, come on! Clap for us, Clapper!

Do it!

Do it! Do it!

Ran out of gas!

Ran out of gas, but luckily, I was right here.

Eddie, I still feel so bad about your car getting towed.

Yeah, but what are you gonna do, you know?

Is shove-it-up-your-ass- credit-card-guy still here?

No, he's... he's not on tonight.

Great. Um, are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good. I just...

You know... maybe it's better that you don't have a TV right now.

Never mind.

Your microphone's working, the speaker.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, is that Brian Wilson?

Yeah. "Love and Mercy."

You kiddin' me? Yeah.

That's unbelievable, I love that song.

Like, who talks like that? Who says "crummy" anymore?

My father used to say that when I was little.

Yeah, that's my favorite part.

Yeah.

You got a way of making things all right, you know?

Thanks. Whole five bucks.

You only ever get a little bit of gas at a time.

You noticed, huh?

Well, I like to come by and see you, you know?

Yeah, I like... I like seeing you, as well.

Yeah.

I got something. I got something for you.

I almost forgot. Hold on.


I was showing you the idea, right?

Just flash cards, I don't know.

You don't even need it now. The speaker's fixed.

It's still a good idea.

It is what it is.

I don't know, it's all right. It's great.

Yeah, I'm gonna get the gas.

I'm invisible.

You can't see me. I'm invisible.

No one can see me.

No one can see me. I'm invisible.

I'm invisible, Judy. No one can see me.

Hi, Thomas. Really, I need some water.

Yes.

Hey! Hey!

What the hell, man?

Eddie, it's okay. That's Naked Thomas.

His wife left him, and it says it makes him feel better.

The water. It's weird, right?

Uh, yeah.

Weird. You think?

No, he's harmless.

All right, well, maybe I should stick around a little bit to make sure, you know?

Right? You never know with people like that, especially naked ones.

I got a chair, all right?

It's right in the car here.

I feel really bad for him.

He must have really loved her.

That or he's just crazy, right?

Is that all right if I sit here for a little bit?

Yeah. Okay.

Eddie? Yeah? Huh?

Do you think it's weird that I'm working here?

What?

Do you think it's weird, me working here?

I mean, at the gas station?

It's like the kind of job that's like really blah.

But do you know why I work here?

I don't think it's blah.

I mean, maybe a little, I guess.

No, I mean, like I need the money, right?

But I don't know. I mean, sometimes at night, it feels like all the normal people, they just disappear.

Can't argue with that.

But like everybody is kind of nowhere on a night like tonight.

Does that make sense?

Or am I just talking crazy?

Yeah, no, I, I understand.

I really liked our French fry date.

Me too.

I love how weird you are, you know?

You're like totally wacky, like me.

I was hoping to save up to take you to dinner someplace nice, but... maybe we could just do another French fry thing until then?

I'd love that. Yeah.

All right, yeah. That'd be great.

I'll put it on my calendar.

Me too.

This is actually great, you know, in a weird way.

Definitely.

He was just here, yelling and clapping, and I just put it on my Instagram, and I already have a thousand hearts.

Wow! Did you see that? Personally, I don't know what the hell was going on out there, but it seems our Clapper has a baked potato and some sort of an outlaw upset with him and his actions right out there on Hollywood Boulevard.

Spider, I'm a little worried about the guy.


I'm invisible. No one can see me.

I'm invisible. No one can see me.

I'm invisible. No one can see me.

Hey, hey, hey! What do you do, buddy?

Hey, get out of here! Why do you do this?

Oh, my God. Oh, my... What do you do?

Is Hercules watching?

No, no. He is doing his thing. Wow.

Hercules? That's a great name.

I think he's still mad at you.

Me? Yeah.

He towed my car.

He said that you threw trash everywhere and that you blocked his most profitable pump purposefully.

There's just no mistakes with this guy, huh?

Let's get out of here.

Oh, my God. What did you do?

I never see no people like this, buddy!

Is this weird? Hmm?

Is it weird?

Yeah.

I mean, I've never been here before.

It's just nice to see the animals not behind bars.

Mm.

I mean, like, you know, they...

There's just nobody stuck somewhere that you don't want to be.

No, yeah. Hmm? Right.

You asked if I was married.

Uh-oh. No, no, no, no.

It's not... It's nothing bad.

I mean, I...

Um, I was. A long time ago.

Diane. We grew up together And then one day, she just was gone.

She left you?

Yeah.

No, not like that.

Like... the earth.

Like one day we were talking about traveling and all that cool stuff, and then... and then all of a sudden, she got sick, and the next thing I knew, she was gone.

And, um, you know.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

It's okay.

I'm sorry about all these cheap dates.

No, really, like...

There's like all this TV stuff going on.

I'm just a little out of it.

But I'm gonna bounce back.

That's how it is. Yeah.

Right?

What about you?

Like, you want to end up in Mexico and do, you know, that place with the goat, and just do, like, goat stuff?

Yeah, I would like to, you know, have my own place someday.

It would be nice, you know, to start a shelter or a pet store.

You know, I want something with stability.

Yeah, no, stability, I get it, yeah.

So you gonna do that or what?

I... Yeah. I'm trying to save up.

Okay, yeah.

Well, you know, I mean, we could be partners.

I could, I could come in as a partner or something.

Like if that was... I could partner...

Eddie, two nights ago, some guy came to my station at two in the morning, wearing a TV on his head, and it worked.

What?

And all I could think about was how much I wished that you were there with me to see that.

Yeah.

And I just knew.

I...

I just can't tell you... how nice this is... to just sit here with you...

and just...

Stare at the bones.

Bones. Yeah.

See ya.

Yeah, for sure.


Mr. Plork.

Door's open. Come in.

Oh, God. You're not...

Come on. I'm not doing that anymore.

You never know.

Catch me masturbating once, shame on me.

Catch me twice, shame on you. All right.

Listen, I was just with Judy at the thing, and I got this pretty incredible idea.

Who?

You got... What are you watching?

The video on the computer.

They added some kind of weird music in there for the Internet.

What? What is...

What is that?

Your head is about to explode.

That's my head. That's me.

Yeah, that's your head. That's my...

How did you do that? I didn't.

It's on the computer. It's a video.

You can take that off, right? Off the computer?

Can't. Why?

'Cause I'm not Steve Jobs, that's why.

Somebody's making money off of that, and it ain't us, I'll tell you that.

I should charge you like five bucks right now just for watching that. Why me?

You can't watch me without my permission.

Who put that there? I don't know. It's a computer.

Can I tell you something? Yeah.

The producer guy is behind this, right?

This is from the TV guy. That's from the producer guy.

What's his number? Give me his number.

Who? The TV guy, come on, It's time for him to hear from me.

He's gotta hear from Eddie Krumble now.

Can I just watch it explode one more time?


I'm... I'm here to see the producer guy for the TV shows, the TV.

His name is Ralph Ratner.

I'm here for a meeting.

The TV guy, a meeting.

Chris!

Chris Plork!

Chris Plork, it's Raf. Hi.

Ralph Ranter, from The Stillerman Show, We spoke on the phone. Yeah.

Awesome, man. Is he here with you?

No. The Clapper? Yeah.

No, he's not here.

He just gave me this letter, said deliver it to Mr. Stillerman and go.

Wow. And that's what I want to do.

Mr. Stillerman, that's my boss.

I can bring you to him now. You want to come inside?

Yeah. All right, He's good. We can let him in.

Chris, listen to me.

Now, if you don't mind, obviously you don't, I'm gonna go take it to Jayme. He's gonna check it out.

In the meantime, I want you just to hang here: green room.

Help yourself to whatever you like.

See you in a bit. Okay.

No.


Number one trending topic on Twitter is

"Who is The Clapper?"

It's your call. What do you think?

I don't know. I don't know much about the guy.

What if he's dangerous?

Right. That's a valid point.

What if this guy, he drops a secret word, he launches a terrorist cell?

Then what? My kids are going to public school.

He's not a cell. He's presently afraid to eat our sushi.

Literally.

He makes a good point, J. Stills.

What do you think? Just say fuck it. Let's do it.

Fuck it, let's do it. Let's put him on. Tina?

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to our very own insider, Chris Plork.

No, no, no! Just give him the letter and go.

Doing great, turn around.

Good to see you, Chris.

Welcome, Chris.

This is Sarah, Victoria's Secret model.

Hey, Sarah.

You all may recognize Chris, who we previously met on one of our "Out on the Street" segments, So, Chris, tell us why you're here.

Those two guys.

My producer Raf?

Yeah. Those two guys told me to come sit this way.

That'd be Raf, our producer, and Cadwell.

They told you the right thing, 'cause this is where it all happens.

I don't think I should be here.

No, no, Chris, stop thinking. You should be here.

And I tell you that because I need you to be confused when I tell you these things.

Now I understand you have some sort of letter, a list of demands from The Clapper?

His demands? I don't know.

Well, let's read 'em.

I don't think I should read it.

Yeah!

Read it, yeah!

I don't know if I should read it.

I don't, I don't. I think you should read it.

We all think you should read it.

Everybody at home thinks you should read it.

DJ Spider thinks you should read it.

Whoo! Read it!

Yeah! Read it, yeah!

Read it, read it!

All right.

"A message to Mr. Stiller-mer.

I see that you have found an interest in my clapping, I guess."

I guess?

Yeah, he wrote "I guess." is right there.

He wrote I guess? Yeah, he...

That's pretty funny of him, I guess.

"It also seems to me that you would like to meet in person on your show.

I do not know how much your normally pay guests, however me and my friend would be happy to appear for one million dollars."

One million dollars?

"Enclosed is proof of who I am..."

Wait. Hold the phone there a second.

Did you say a million dollars? Yeah.

Well, thank you for the discount.

I want to get paid that as well.

So do I. That's a lot of money. Hold on a second.

Can somebody pull up my next guest on the monitor for me?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Cuban.

What's up, Jayme?

Mark, you're a billionaire. Let me ask you a question.

How much are we paying you to be on the show?

Not a damn thing, Jayme.

Just this amazing spread of food that's awesome.

Thank you, Mark.

What? Are you out of your mind?

Hmm? I mean, are you out of your mind, man?

It was so simple. All you had to do was give him the note.

That's it.

Shark Tank. I love that show.

They asked me to read it. Yeah, of course they did.

That's how they do it. They just...

You weren't supposed to go on TV, Chris.

Now you're in it, you realize that?

You just got roped in over the airwaves.

That's probably a federal offense or something.

I don't know. We could go to jail.

They thought it was funny. I don't know what's funny.

We're broke. How's that funny?

Funny. I gotta think about this.

I gotta think. I gotta...

I gotta go home and think about this.

I gotta go home and think about this, and that's it.

We are getting closer and closer to The Clapper.

"If that is too much money that we are asking for, please let us know how much can happen.

Thank you."

Oh, wow, look at who it is.

Mr. Movie Star, huh?

Yeah, you piece of shit.

Where are you going, buddy?

Huh? You don't want to stay in Hollywood?

Hi. Where's your camera?

Oh, Mr. Movie Star, huh?

Okay.

Hey, buddy, get out of here. That's right, go.

And don't bring your fucking movie cameras here again.

Haul ass.

Judy! Judy!

Eddie, you can't let him see you.

You can't let him see you, Eddie.

What? Who? What are you talking about?

Some people came by tonight, asking questions.

They had a photograph of you.

They were blocking the pump. Hercules was just going nuts.

And they said they were following you.

Like following you.

And then they had this guy with a camera.

Yeah, yeah. Are you in trouble, Eddie?

No, I'm not in trouble exactly, but I mean, sort of.

Remember the Stillerman thing that I mentioned?

They got it in for me somehow. They're basically stalking me.

Stalking? Yeah.

Mm-mm, no, Eddie, you didn't say anything about stalking.

I don't know about that, but Hercules knows that we are friends, and we can't just have the police show up.

Police? And that can't happen.

It's just a TV guy.

I like you, Eddie, I really do, but I need my job, and I know it's a stupid, stupid, stupid job, but I need it, and you know that.

Of course I know that. It's stupid, I know.

Yes, it's fine, but I need the job, Eddie.

And you know that I need the job.

I get it. But is it about your shows?

I don't understand. I mean, shit!

It's just a... Thing with the Growing Pains, and you were with a TV star or something?

Alan Thicke. Is that what it is?

It's not funny, Eddie.

This isn't funny. No, I know. It's not funny.

I'm not saying it's funny.

I'm sorry. I should've told you before.

What?

It's embarrassing. What's embarrassing?

The thing. I don't know.

What? Well, how do I explain it?

It's like a... I have to go to work.

I'm going to work now. This is coming out all wrong.

No. Yes, I am!

I'm gonna fix it!

I'm gonna fix it, Judy. I'm so sorry.

Chris, wake up.

Come on.

Chris.

Chris, come on, wake up, man.

Wake up.

I need that producer's number. What's his name?

Ratso or something?

Right? Come on!

Hi. Um...

You got singles?

Sure.

It's for the computer, you know.

There ya go.

The computer's, uh...

It's got a search thing on it?

Yeah, we just had a search thing installed on 'em.


Ma.

Eddie Krumble, this is Jonathan Cadwell from The Stillerman Show.

And believe me when I tell you we know who you are.

You are The Clapper.

You moved here in 2008. You have a girlfriend that works at the Mobil station.

You have several unresolved fix-it tickets and a warrant for an unpaid littering ticket dating back nearly a decade.

Shall I go on?

Listen, man, how'd you get this number?

Eddie, this is Raf Ranter.

Look, we're not interested in what you do legally or illegally.

We're just interested in you.

You're the biggest thing since Stupid Pet Tricks.

Yeah? Save the compliments for somebody who's looking for some.

And I'm not comfortable with this being on television unless I'm getting paid.

You hear me? Paid.

Eddie, just keep this between you and me.

There's a driver waiting outside your apartment.

What? Yeah.

He's been instructed to take you to the Hilton in Burbank, where you have a suite waiting for you, for an all-expenses paid little vacation, all right?

And it's free, okay?

Your buddy Chris is super-pumped.

Chris? We just got off the phone.

He gave us your number. I hope that's okay with you.

And tonight is the night we want you to be on the show.

Okay, so you're cool to pay? How much are we talking about?

We have a very strict policy.

We do not and cannot pay our guests to appear, but...

But the exposure can lead to a lot of things.

A lot of great things.

Exposure?

I can't pay phone bills with exposure, you know?

You cost me my job, my friend Chris's job.

Why can't you just lay off and stop harassing my girl?


He said they pay people with home appliances.

These people, they're so cheap.

You realize they get that stuff for free, Chris?

It's like on one of our shows when they give us, you know, the book the guy's promoting or the window cleaner or whatever.

You gotta stop answering the phone when they call, please.

Can you do that? Just don't answer the phone when they call, unless they're gonna pay us, and then it's a different conversation, but like up till now...

I don't think they can pay people to be on their show.

He tried laying that one me too. I'm not buying it.

They're making like a million bucks a day, easy.

Well, they pay people by promoting them.

The only thing they're promoting is me being an idiot, and I don't want that, all right?

Up till now, it's just been bad news, all right, Chris?

Where's Judy?

Sorry, sir, Judy's been replaced.

Who are you? What's... What are you talking about?

She was causing some type of commotion with a bunch of people that kept coming back with cameras, blocking the pumps or something.

Mr. Hercules, the boss, he didn't like that.

Fired her on the spot. Are you kidding me?

Do you have any idea where she is?

Uh, home, probably. Home.

Probably looking for another job

'cause she's unemployed right now.

Is she gonna be by later or something?

What are you talking about?

No, no, she's definitely been let go.

She's not coming back. Do you have her number?

Nah, that would be privileged information.

No way! You're that guy. That guy from TV, The Clapper.

No, that's not me. Hey, baby!

It's that guy from The Stillerman Show!

I'm just looking for Judy. Naw, you're him.

I seen you on the show last night on the TV.

I knew I recognized him. Can I take a picture?

I knew I recognized you. You're The Clapper.

You're so funny, man. It's not me.

He's phenomenal. Not me.

Yeah, you're The Clapper. Okay, no.

Can I take a picture for the booth, please?

No, no, no. Just one picture.

No big deal. Come on.

Don't be that guy!

You're being that guy right now.

There ya go. It's The Clapper!

What you're talking about here is almost an acre of property for pennies on the dollar.

Pennies on the dollar!

Pennies on the dollar! Pennies on the dollar!

And at Tranquil Estates, there are seven lakes bustling with catfish, thirteen playgrounds, and three golf courses.

Now that's the good news. The bad news, full disclosure here, they're also planning an entire slew of retail outlet stores, and each one of them...


Lumber Liquidators. Hardwood floors for life.

Hi, folks, you know, you can spend a fortune and wait a lifetime for your favorite artist to come to your town on a promotional tour, or you can let us do it for you.

Here's Brian Wilson, live, promoting his new CD of greatest hits, singing one of my favorites, "Love and Mercy."

Thank you.


Yes, yes, you gotta love it.

Hey, when you really want to reach out to people, what better way than right here on TV, isn't it?

Hey, Chris. How ya doing?

You must be... Yeah, no, I'm Eddie, right?

The Clapper or whatever.

And it's great to finally meet you.

We've spoken already. This is Jonathan Cadwell.

He's our showrunner. How ya doing?

He's gonna quickly brief you on a couple of the briefings.

Good stuff. Mr. Krumble, just so we're clear, you understand there'll be no monetary compensation for this.

Correct? But we have excellent prizes.

We do. And goodie bags.

Who doesn't want a new yoga ball?

Am I right? It's all good, man.

I'm just here to promote, right?

That's the thing. I'm gonna promote looking for Judy.

Of course, absolutely. Chris got me up to speed.

We have her information. Judy from the gas station.

She worked at a gas station. She's not from a gas station.

I'll make a note. I'm gonna log it away up here. Good stuff.

If there's any funny business, we're outta here.

No funny business. Eddie-cakes, I'm offended you'd even think that.

What? Eddie Crumpets?

No. Crumblecakes.

He don't really eat cake like that.

Nothing with cake, right?

Eddie, we're here to find Judy. That's what we're gonna do.

We good? You guys feel good?

Yeah. Let's find Judy.

Gentlemen, this is Dr. Rogers Hay.

He's another guest on the show tonight.

Please make yourselves comfortable.

Hey, hey, Dr. Hay, loved your book.

Well, my assistant did, you know, so...

This might be the first book I read in 10 years.

You're the total package, buddy, and you know which one I'm talking about.

We'll be right back.

Can I just say, I don't really trust that guy.

You know, I feel like Charlie Brown with Peppermint Patty, like the football?

I think the character you're referring to is Lucy.

What? You know her?

No, I don't, but I do know the cartoon, and I think, Eddie... your name is Eddie, yes?

Yeah.

That Stillerman and all of them are trying to control your destiny.

Would you agree with me?

You're that guru guy.

The voice and the eyes. I got it. I just placed it.

Remember? We did one of your shows a while back.

We walked on like hot coals, but they weren't.

It wasn't hot. Of course they weren't hot.

No, because it was all about your courage to do something of which you were afraid, to show that you were in charge, that you had faith that we would not burn your feet.

Yeah, that and we got paid 50 bucks.

75. Even if we paid you $100, you wouldn't have burned your feet, now, would you have?

Wait, how much?

Either way, you've gotta take control of your life.

When people try to sway you away from what you want, you've got to reel them back in.

You've got to reel them back in.

Reel them in, Eddie.

Take control of your destiny.

Can I... I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm like super uncomfortable right now.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, may I please introduce to you, after much hard detective work, everyone's favorite audience member, Eddie Krumble, The Clapper!

Thank you, Eddie, please.

Oh, man!

I gotta tell you, it's a real pleasure finally meeting the man behind the, uh, the clapping, I guess.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, Eddie Krumble, you're a clapper?

Yeah.

Tell us how this works. So you get paid to clap?

Yeah, and laugh sometimes. When things aren't funny.

Sure, yeah, like when they're supposed to be funny, but they're not?

Yeah. Yeah.

You're preaching to the choir. Yeah.

The Chris cam, ladies and gentlemen.

There he is, right there. Does he know you're doing that?

Does he know you're filming? Absolutely not.

That's what makes it so great.

Hmm. So anyway, somewhere along the way, you sent your friend Chris in here uh, with a self-ransom note to collect a million-dollar bounty on you, funny enough, is that right?

Well, we tried calling your producer guy, and he said that you didn't pay anybody to come on the show, so they offered us like a toaster or something, right?

It's a nice toaster. I mean, what is that?

What do you give the big stars that come on here, like Van Damme or somebody? He's not gonna take a toaster.

I gotta be honest with you. Nowadays I think Van Damme would be happy with a pizza pocket, huh?

But guess what. You're here, and that's all that matters.

Yeah, all right, yeah, so, you know, I...

Your guy said that people come on here to promote things, but I didn't have anything to promote, so I thought maybe I could come on the show and promote trying to find Judy.

That's... Yeah. 'Cause of the promoting thing Look at your boy.

Look at him. He's all comfortable, legs up.

He's reading that book He's reading a book. What are you laughing at?

Clap for us, Clapper! Yeah!

You see what I'm saying?

That's what I'm talking about. Like what is that?

You wanted to clap? What is that for?

How is that funny or interesting?

Like this? What is that? I don't get it.

Man, Eddie, take a deep breath, all right?

You wanna make a big joke out of me, go ahead.

That's fine. The only reason I came here is 'cause I thought is it's the only way I could find her, right?

I thought maybe somebody out there might know her or can just talk to her and tell her that I just want to see her and talk to her and sort things out.

That's it, right? Awww!

Yeah, awww! Save the sympathy, all right?

That's what I'm here for, just to promote finding her.

Do you have a picture? Maybe a description, an artist's rendition, a caricature, something?

We'll use, uh...

Well, yeah, I mean, she's like...

She's beautiful, right?

She's got this like kinda blond mousy thing going on with her hair, but beautiful.

And not in like a normal beautiful way, but beautiful, beautiful.

Aww.

Kinda like a cute emoji, I'm picturing, you know?

But I think we're starting to get you, Eddie.

So here's what we do now, guys. Her name is Judy.

She has mousy hair that's kind of beautiful, but not normal kind of beautiful, right?

And she was recently fired from a gas station, and we need you to help us find her because we will reunite Eddie Krumble and Judy right here on this show!

DJ Spider, play us out.

You guys crushed it. Yes!

And we were wondering if you would be willing to go out, with pay, of course, for one of our Stillerman On The Street segments.

It was nice of you guys to have us on the show, but you'll let us know if anybody calls.

What? How much you paying?

We understand the situation you guys are in financially, both of you, and... we're willing to do whatever we can to help.

We're talking a monster payday here for you, okay?

We are prepared to give you $5,000 per appearance, with a minimum guarantee of five appearances.

All we're asking of you is exactly what you came to us for.

Help us all find Judy.

Oh, you ain't gotta do no convincing here.

That's great. Eddie, are you in?

That's it. No other stuff like... Yeah?

No. No.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, if that's all we're doing, no other stuff.

You know what? Okay, all right.

Oh, that is great. Sound like we got a deal.

Tina, get us some contracts. Guys, I love your faces.

Tina! Ohh! Where the fuck are you?

And action! Hi, I'm Eddie Krumble.

I'm here at the gas station where Judy used to work.

She doesn't work here anymore 'cause she got fired.

Off to the side, tip it. Let's see the Chyron.

Um, wait, can I do it again?

Don't look at me. Look at the camera.

You're lookin' at me. Don't look at me.

I know I'm talking to you, but don't look at me.

Don't look at me. Look at the camera.

You're looking at me again.

Go talk to that attendant, ask about Judy, where she is, all that kind of stuff.

That guy? Yes.

I'm not talking to that guy.

Anyone who blocks my pumps is dead forever.

You can hit a strip club in about 10 minutes.

We're gonna be completely out of your hair.

I got a picture of your mother right here by Dairy Queen.

Yeah, I'm sure you got a yellow Mercedes Benz.

That's wonderful, sir. I can sit here and jack off.

No, don't put that out there.

I want to make love to everybody here.

Not you, sir. You disgust me.

This is Eddie and Chris for The Stillerman Show.

Have you seen Judy?

Yes, I saw a Judy.

Excuse me, Homo sapiens skull, have you seen Judy?

I'm gonna take that as a no.

Who's the baddest motherfuckers in late night?

All right, guys, listen, you're gonna kill out there.

I love you, I love your faces, I love your bodies, go win.

Whoo!

Okay, don't hurt yourself.

Sir, I love your style.

Maybe you can come on over and join us?

We'll have a quick conversation in front of the camera.

Hold on, hold on, sir, this way.

Let's have a quick, calm conversation in front of the camera.

Yeah?

Hi. Louise?

Sorry to bother you. Are you...

Do you do the castings for the shows' audiences?

'Cause I'm a friend of Eddie Krumble.

Oh, you're a friend.

I know that he used to work here at least.

That's what he told me.

Okay, is this the idiot you're talking about?

Hi, I'm Eddie Krumble. I'm here at the gas station where Judy used to work.

She doesn't work here anymore.

She got fired. Oh, my God.

Um...

Sorry, yeah.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a huge surprise for you today.

Backstage, we have Eddie, and what he doesn't know is through the help of you, our viewing audience, we have on hold right now, the ever-elusive Judy.

So without further ado, let's bring him out, Eddie Krumble, the world's most famous audience member.

Welcome back. Good to see you.

Been quite a month, huh?

Sure has, Jayme.

Just think about it, one month ago, you were an obscure clapper, and today the entire country is rooting for you.

Yeah.

So let's get right down to it.

As you know, last time you were here, you were on, looking for your friend Judy, and I pledged to help you find her.

And, well, um, why don't we just let you speak to her yourself.

Hello?

Hello. Eddie? Eddie, are you there?

Judy, hi!

Is that you? Because these people just called me and Louise was showing me you on the TV and...

What's going on? Well...

And why were you at my job?

I saw you wearing this shirt with my name on it, making a joke about me getting fired?

You think that's funny? How could you do that?

Whoa, no, no, no. They got this all wrong.

I know what I saw, Eddie. No, Judy.

Eddie's actually really gone to some great lengths to talk to you. Yeah.

Who is that with you?

It's me, Jayme Stillerman. Who?

Just some guy on TV, you know.

On TV? Are we on TV now? You bet.

No! No, not at all.

Not even one bit.

Yeah, we are, but it's not...

Are you kidding me?

Are these the people you sent to my job, the people that got me fired?

You told me these people were stalking you, and now you're doing it to me? Stalking?

No, Judy. I don't believe Eddie has been stalking you at all.

I'm sure he would love to, but he doesn't know where you live.

Judy, you got the wrong idea.

I just didn't have any way to get in touch with you, so I did what I could.

You know how much that job meant to me, Eddie.

You got me fired for some dumb prank.

I can't believe you would do that.

Please stop calling me, stop harassing me.

I'm sorry. Just stop, okay?

Hello?

Judy?

Somebody get her back on the phone!

She says if we call again, she's gonna call the police.

Okay. Okay, so she's a little shaken.

Yeah, of course she's shaken.

You can't just call someone and put 'em on television.

She was told straight away this was gonna be a live feed.

She probably doesn't know what that means.

I don't know what a live feed means.

Just... If you give me her number...

We can't. Legally, we need permission.

Permission?

Since when do you give a damn about permission?

You never asked for permission any for stuff you did with me.

Wait, hold on a second.

When you did those infomercials, you signed waivers to any and all forms of rebroadcast.

Yeah, well, you kinda took that and ran with it, didn't you?

We want to see you two back together.

The whole country wants to see that.

I don't care what the country wants.

I just want to talk to her.

We're gonna straighten this out. We just need a couple of days, I need you to trust me.

That's $15,000.

That is a lot of applause, Eddie, so just take a breath, give us a beat, and we are gonna get the two of you back together.

Promise. Like it never happened.

This isn't what I wanted. You know that.

Ah.

Okay, Eddie.

Don't worry... at all.

Just, you know, like who could've thought

$15,000 would feel so crummy, you know?

Yeah.

Thanks.

You're like always there, you know?

Aw.

Well, yeah, I mean...

Yeah.

I can be a real jerk sometimes, you know, and you're like this guy, and I know you got things you could be doing, but you're like always there for me.

And I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable.

I'm just pointing it out, okay?

Eddie, you're my friend.

Yeah.

That's it, huh?

Yes! All right.

Don't worry. Everything's gonna be okay, okay?

It is, right?

I mean, that's... Gimme five, man.

See you tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Later.

Good night, Chris. All right.


Hello. The Jayme Stillerman Show.

Can I speak to, um, Ralph? Can I...

It's... It's Eddie Krumble!

I got to talk to Ralph Ranter right now.

The... It's The Clapper!

Hello, hello? Hey, Eddie.

Hey, hey, Ralph. Listen, Eddie.

Things are starting to move really fast here, and I just have to ask you.

You don't have any kind of criminal record or anything like that, do you? Are you kidding me?

What are you talking about? I didn't even want to be on TV!

You're the ones who did all this!

Criminal record!

I understand, man, but she used the word "stalker."

I'm sure it's a misunderstanding, but there are a lot of moving parts.

I'll come back on. I'll straighten it all out.

I just gotta straighten it out.

We're gonna have to take a beat on any further appearances.

Why? There are rumors circulating, and, uh, let me...

Rumors? What are you talking about?

Let me just call you. You can't...

Give me Judy's number. I'll figure this out.

I can't do that, man.

She said what she said live on air.

Once again, she used the word "stalker."

That's a big deal for the network, Eddie.

We're gonna have to kinda just try to chill out until all the dust settles, and then we'll act.

Yeah, all right, we'll just sit and let it settle, I guess.

I'm sorry, Eddie. Yeah, all right.

The Clapper!

Hey, all right!

We love you, Eddie! Ha-ha-ha!

Good stuff, right? Good stuff!

Last night, some stalking allegations from Eddie Krumble, better known as The Clapper, from The Jayme Stillerman Show.

Hey, Marvin.


The Clapper's potential stalker past.


$13 all day. High speed Hollywood bus tour.

Hollywood bus tour. Hollywood bus tour.

Hey, Hollywood bus tour. Hollywood bus tour.

Hollywood bus tour. Hollywood bus tour.

$13 all day. Hop on, hop off.

Hollywood bus tour. Hollywood bus tour.

And on tomorrow's show, the return of The Clapper.

What's Eddie been up to? Where's he been?

Has he found Judy yet?

All these answers and more revealed tomorrow night right here on The Jayme Stillerman Show.

Ah! Maybe it's good exposure.

No, it's not. Not in this instance.

I don't like him going back and doing those shows again with those idiots.

I wanted him to move on with his life, but not like this, no.

But, Ida. Last time, do you remember?

They made a damn fool out of him.

He don't wanna answer the phone. Is that what it is?

Well, I got news for ya. We're gonna go out there.

Pack your bags, Gladys, we're leaving.

Oh, there they are.

Eddie Krumble and Chris Plork.

Oh, so happy to be back on the same team.

What's that old saying? Tragedy plus time equals...

I don't know. Who reads the Bible anymore?

Come on in, guys. America missed you guys, and we are gonna spark this baby back up.

This is Eddie Krumble, leave a message at the beep.

Eddie, it's your mother.

They finally let me turn my damn phone back on.

I'm here with Gladys.

I'm here to talk some sense into you, you big bozo.

The world's greatest audience is in the hizzoua!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my utmost pleasure to introduce mine and your old friends, Eddie Krumble and Chris Plork.

Eddie! Chris!

Hey, look at that, they missed you.

Eddie and Chris, first of all, it is great to have you both back.

I mean, when my producers reached out, we were expecting a solid no.

Hmm.

But why don't we start with, well, I don't know, where it all went wrong?

Hmm. Yeah.

You gotta back up pretty far, I guess, right?

It was like something sort of in the beginning.

Right.

I mean, there were these, you know, mis...

Um, like what, misunderstandings?

Communication breakdowns.

Yeah, exactly. Communication breakdowns that, suffice to say, were simply that.

There was no wrongdoing on either part, you know.

Actually, I'm just happy you're back, aren't we?

So, that's out of the way, where have you guys been?

Um, we do, like, some grand openings sometimes, like Ralph's Supermarkets, we did.

They did an Internet thing with us too, and we got a...

Chuck E. Cheese thing too.

I bet the kids are lining up to meet you at Chuck E. Cheese.

It's mostly for the parents. Yeah.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Yeah, we shake hands, take pictures.

We're like balloons, but people.

And people you are.

Now, Eddie, the question everybody's dying to know is what happened with you and Judy?

I don't give a damn about a red light!

Mom! Is that your mom?

I am his mom, and you tell this moron if he touches me again, he's gonna be spitting teeth out of his crapper.

Mrs. Krumble is here! Gladys?

Get out of the way. Are you nuts? We're on TV.

I know where we are, Eddie. Hi, how are ya?

Ronnie, it's all right, she's with us.

Oh, no, I'm not with this.

You bring my son, and you put him on this show, and you made a damn fool out of him.

And all he was doing was looking for his girl.

He came back on your show again, your crummy show!

Mrs. Krumble... Don't do it now.

This is insane. We're on TV. I know where we are!

And he came with good intentions because he's my son.

He's a good boy. Absolutely.

He was trying to find his girl, and then when there was a problem, a controversy, what did you do?

You dropped him like a half-filled rubber.

Yeah! Mrs. Krumble, please.

Damn! Please, Mrs. Krumble.

We love Eddie here.

We love Eddie! Yeah, yeah!

Listen to this bullshit. Shut up!

We just wanted what was best for Eddie and Judy.

Oh, really? Oh, I see.

You want to know what's best for my son?

Is that what you want to know? Absolutely.

Is that what you're asking me, what's best for my son?

Don't do it.

Let me tell ya what's best for my son.

Hey, look at me!

No, no. Let me beat the shit... Hey, Mom, Mom!

I want to talk to this man!

- I have something to say! Okay, but calm down!

This is nuts. This is completely insane.

Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts! I know this.

Enough! This is nuts, This is completely insane.

You gotta calm down, all right? We're on TV here.

This TV stuff, it's too much.

This is not for me, all right? All right.

You don't gotta fight my battles for me, all right?

I can fight my own battles.

I was gonna come on here and give you a piece of my mind.

I was really gonna let you have it.

I was. I was, but I looked around, you know, I probably have my own part in all of this.

Okay, now that is sounding more rational.

Oh, shut up. Of course. I'm over here.

Yeah, so no one's innocent, right?

No one's innocent, so we're just gonna go. Mom?

That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go, and that's it.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, wait.

Eddie, things just got a little bit away from us.

Oh, you think? Yes, we do, we do.

Yes, I think. Oh, really?

No, it's all right, Ma, relax, okay?

They're just doing their thing.

This is what you do, right? We all played our parts.

It just...

I just lost the only person that mattered to this whole thing, all right?

And I had someone once.

Diana. We had this dumb idea.

We were gonna come out here and win a boat or something on The Price is Right.

Yeah, but then she went away, right?

She died, and I didn't have a plan to do it without her.

It was too much.

But I came out here, and I met Chris, and we got this kinda fun job, and after a while, the sadness just kinda slowly goes away.

And you know, it's still there, but it's further back.

And then I got to know Judy, and suddenly, even corny stuff like going to the museum was kinda fun, I guess, and then, before you know it, I'm like...

What, are you kidding me? Like...

I can't believe I was gonna be okay without that the rest of my life.

Like, how does that work?

So you could have done whatever you wanted with me.

I would've done anything.

You could have done anything you wanted.

I would've played ball, whatever.

I just wanted to find Judy and tell her that I loved her, I guess.

It is what it is, right? It's okay. We're here.

Me and Chris, we're gonna be fine.

We're good, we always are.

Hey, you know, we got our thing.

We're gonna be at the Big A Supermarket tomorrow afternoon, right off Santa Monica Boulevard.

Come on down and see us, right? We're gonna be selling...

What is it, what?

National Nut Day.

Right, yeah, National Nut Day.

Making a living. Making a living.

Well, the good news is we're outta that monkey hut.

Oh, yeah.

Mrs. Krumble. Mrs. Krumble, wait.

Oh, God, not another one. No, no, it's not like that.

Mrs. Krumble, guys, we just want you to know...

What, that you're gonna give him a dryer if he comes back on your show and makes a monkey out of himself?

That's not a bad comeback.

Look, if there's anything we can do.

No. No, there isn't, You've done enough, thank you.

Eddie, come on.

Hey, you know, I guess TV's pretty cool, right?

As long as the whole world's not laughing at you.

Yeah, hey. You know?

Goodbye, Mr. Stinkman.

Bye, Chris.

Hey, big thing at the supermarket, guys.

Happy National Nut Day!

Happy National Nut Day? I'm emotional.

I'm gonna get something to drink.

You want anything?

It's a little doggie.

"Saw you guys on TV last night."

What the...

Okay, it's, uh...

There's a pig.

In the parking lot.

How's that work, huh?

I've seen it all. Hey, man, what's going on?

Hey! Pretty dog.

Hey, Judy.

Judy!

Hi, Chris.

Hey, uh...

Before you say anything, I just want to tell you that...

I love you, also.

Come on.

What?

I love you, Eddie.

For real?

I love you.

All right, okay.

Um, I don't know what to say.

Okay.

I love you too.

I love you too.

You know that, right?

Do you know that I'm nuts about you?

No.

I'm crazy about you, are you kidding me?

Yeah. I'm National Nut Day nuts about you.

Hi, Grady.

He's got one horn.

He's very excited to meet you. Apparently.

I'm so sorry about everything, I just, I got out of my head.

Things got out of control, and I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to handle it, and I did the wrong thing, right?

I'm so sorry.

But you're here. You came back.

I don't know where you went, but you're back.

I came from around the corner. That's unbelievable.

What are the odds?

What are the odds? I love you, you love me.

You know what?

Let's get married.

What?

Let's get married. Yeah, come on.

I mean, we love each other.

Don't think about it too much because if you give me time, I will screw it up, I promise you.

Okay. Okay. Wait. Okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Huh? Wait, what?

I mean, will you? Yes.

Yes? Yes.

All right! Yes?

Yes! Yes!

We're getting married!

Chris, we're getting married!

Come on! Oh, my God!

We're getting married!

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, you're the best.

I missed you, Eddie.

Okay, let's get some smiles in here.

Come on, look at the pig. He'll make you smile.

Remember, it's a wedding, not a funeral.

One, two, three! Got you!


Hi, I'm Billy Blanks.

Nice to meet you. How can I help you?

I would like to become fit.

Your left shoulder. Left, right, just like that.

One.

Two, three... Okay, now hold that squat now.

What I want you to do is not move your body so much like this.

Just a little chuckle. That's a joke.

So it's a spoon and a fork on a collapsible plate, all in one, and you don't have to wait for anything ever?

That's the best invention ever. And it folds!

And it's three-dimensional. Yeah.

Let me get this straight.

I can eat anything I want all day, take one of these pills, and I'm good?

It is so simple.

It delivers a little grip without slip.

Grip with no slip!

Go one, count it. Two.

Go, go. Three, four.

Go.