The Comedian (2016) Script

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

I know you.

Don't I know you? No.

Hey, hey, hold that door!

You cold? You need something to warm you up?

No. You know what you can do, you can burn this whole place down...

...so I don't have to do this fucking nostalgia night.

Prepare yourself, it's not as big a house as they thought.

I think the weather kept people home. See the marquee?

It's like Night of the Living Dead. I should fire you for this.

...then you'll get a gray hair in a place you thought...

...God would be nice enough to just leave alone.

I'm liking menopause. Makes me surly.

Jackie B. Hey.

Jimmie Walker. Jackie. Jackie Burke.

Man, thanks for coming. I really appreciate it.

Thanks for having me.

Hey, look. Small crowd, but they're very, very lively.

Well, you know, I can play to one person.

Sometimes I play with myself.

Jackie. It's a family audience. Good.

...you do one joke about a gray snatch hair.

So you find the gray hair...

And then he said, "Okay. You know you have to brush this on."

Which, oh, quelle surprise, I thought I'd just shake it up...

...pour it down till it quit burning, have a hot apple pie.

It's like I'm an addled girl.

He goes, "You have to sit there with your legs apart for a half hour."

"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how do you think we got the fence painted?"

That's my proudest joke.

You're the best under fire!

We love you, Grace!

Miss Grace Under Fire, Miss Brett Butler!

How you doing? If I ever do one of these again, shoot me.

Don't worry. I'll do us both with one bullet.

We got a guy coming on now. A legend, ladies and gentlemen.

Hickory Dickory Dock, I got to roll back the clock.

That's right. Because we are ready to bring up a young man that...

...when he was on TV...

...there was no electricity.

When he was on TV, Little House on the Prairie was just a shack...

...ladies and gentlemen.

He is devastating... What am I getting for this gig?

You get a percentage of the door. So that's $11 and a burger.

Your commission's gonna be a pickle. Sure. Like always.

The man that you know from the hit sitcom Eddie's Home.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's put our hands together for Eddie.

Arlene. Eddie, look. I carved a pumpkin.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Arlene, when your son decides... We love your hair.

...to dress up like a ballerina...

...it's no longer about trick-or-treating.

Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.

Give him a chance to find himself. He needs to explore.

Arlene. Arlene. Explore.

Arlene!

Mr. Jackie Burke is in the house, ladies and gentlemen.

You staying? Yeah. I'll drive you home.

Jackie Burke is here.

Holy cow.

Eddie's home!

Give it up.

Give it up for JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.

He's the living proof that black might not crack, but it definitely decomposes.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Yeah. I know a lot of you are here because you love Eddie. Yeah.

Well, I have bad news for you.

Eddie died.

Yeah.

Yeah. He died a long time ago, 30 years ago...

...along with my career and Brett Butler's eggs.

Okay. Enough about me. Let's talk about this abortion of a town you live in.

Hicksville! How did they ever come up with a name like "Hicksville"?

I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia.

It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth."

So why don't you change your name to something more pleasant like Somalia?

But don't worry, Hicksville.

When you grow up, you, also, can change your name.

I changed my name. I wasn't always "Jackie."

When I was born, my parents named me, you know what? Jakov.

No!

Jakov Berkowitz.

Yeah. That's right. It's that big, girls.

I mean, even the Jewish kids beat me up with a name like that.

Can I help you all with something, huh?

What's going on here? Bachelorette party!

Bachelorette party!

Eight girls sharing one brain.

Who's the lucky girl? I am.

Don't look so happy, sweetheart.

Right now, your fiancé's in a strip club licking whipped cream...

...out of some girl's asshole.

Hey, come on, don't get sad. I'm just breaking your balls.

You're getting married to one dick for the rest of your life.

What could be more exciting than that?

Oh, my God, Jackie. You shouldn't do marriage jokes.

O.J. Simpson was a better husband than you.

It's not about you, you selfish bastard. It's about them.

Keep it light and fun and positive.

Marriage will suck every speck of life out of your soul...

...until there's nothing left but one big, giant, festering sore.

Good luck.

It's not just me. I don't think humans were meant to be married.

I mean, you want a relationship?

Get a canary, get a fish. Get a fucking chicken.

Get a dog.

A dog is always happy to see you. A dog doesn't judge you.

The dog is just there.

I'm late, my dog's like, "Hey, Jackie, no big deal."

I forget to feed him, "It's okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck.

I gotta lose some weight. It's all right."

I come home smelling like pussy, and he doesn't get mad.

He just wags his tail and licks my fingers.

Enough of this "dog" shit! Come on, do "Eddie."

Not now, pal, please. Can you help me out?

Yeah. No. I didn't come here to hear new shit.

I came to see Eddie. Shut up.

Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be down at the playground...

...luring kids into a windowless van? Hodor!

Hey, I'm the audience.

You're here to entertain me. You work for me.

You hear that? I work for him.

All right, boss, how about you give me an early Christmas bonus...

...and tongue my balls.

Calm down. You chose this career, you fucking idiot.

You could've been a doctor or a lawyer...

...but you chose to beg drunken strangers for love and attention.

Just try to make everyone happy, so you can go home and jerk off.

Hey, look, man. I don't wanna fight. Let's be friends.

Can someone do me a favor, get a drink for this guy...

...and a bag of oats for his wife.

Bullshit. You getting this, Amy? I don't want that shit in our webisode.

Webisode? Your shit? What web...? What the fuck are you doing?

Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down.

Webisode 19. What you doing? Are you taping me?

This is my show, old man. I'm here to take you down.

Give me that. No, you give me that mic.

Take me down? What are you doing? Wanna go joke to joke with me, Eddie?

Take your hands off my mic. You wanna dance? Let's go.

Let go of the mic. This is my show, buddy.

You getting this, Amy? This is my show.

You're the joke, old man. You're the fucking joke.

You want the mic? You want it? Yeah.

Oh, shit! Baby!

What is wrong with you? You crazy bastard!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

And I'm here to take you down.

What the fuck are you doing, my friend? Give me that goddamn...

No, you give me that mic.

Your Honor, as you can clearly see, Mr. Severin grabbed Mr. Berkowitz first.

Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin several times to desist, and he refused.

Wanna go joke to joke with me? Let go of the mic.

Let go of the mic. You're the joke, old man.

Any objection to probation?

With a strong public apology and substantial community service.

Jakob Berkowitz, please rise.

Jakob Berkowitz, the court understands there are mitigating circumstances...

...but nothing excuses your retaliation.

It is in the judgment of this court that you serve 100 hours of community service.

You will attend 10 anger-management sessions...

...and you will make an allocution and an apology.

Do you understand, Mr. Berkowitz?

Yes, Your Honor. Good.

And in accordance with this agreement, are you prepared to change your plea...

...from "not guilty" to "guilty"?

Yeah. Yes, Your Honor.

"I admit to assault and battery on Mr. Severin.

I recognize that I acted in a weak and violent manner...

...and I will aggressively take steps to ensure that it will never happen again.

I also apologize to the court and to my fans."

Do you have anything to say to Mr. Severin?

Yes, Your Honor.

Sorry.

Come on, he can do better than that. This is insulting. I'm hurt.

Excuse me, Your Honor, but I think the defendant can do better than that.

Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage.

Mr. Berkowitz, you wanna try that again?

Mr. Berkowitz...

No. No?

No?

No. Your Honor...

...there's no way Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage...

...because according to the law, the way I understand it...

...it has not been proven in this courtroom that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain.

Mr. Berkowitz, do not test me today in my court.

Look at him now, Your Honor. You can tell by his face.

The look like Donald Trump banged Alfred E. Neuman...

...after a night of snorting thalidomide.

Can he say that to me? Order in the court. Order in the court.

Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough. Jackie, that's enough.

Let me talk! All right.

It isn't about me, Your Honor.

It's about the fate of humanity, which is in your hands.

Look at him. He's with that woman. They were together that night.

What if they breed?

Are you serious?

Objection. Get him out of here.

Mr. Berkowitz, you are in contempt. We had a deal.

The people have changed their mind. No deal.

Take him out of here. Nassau County Correctional Facility for 30 days.

Order in the court.

Up the stairs.

All right, gentlemen, lock it in!

Stop at the top of the landing.

Walk in four feet and stop.

Okay, gentlemen. Ready? Let's give a warm welcome to our newest resident.

He's the king of his castle Eddie's home Where he's making a scene Eddie's home With the kid and Arlene Eddie's home...

Suck my dick, asshole! You gonna be my bitch.

...or he's gonna kick your ass


God, it's freezing. Let me turn on these seat warmers.

Bet you didn't have those in there.

I came up with some good stuff in there.

Smart. Good.

I'd try it out on you, but you never, you know...

You have no sense of humor. No, I don't.

I've never seen you laugh. Ever.

No, you haven't. Why is that?

Can you imagine if I had to be an audience for all my comics?

"You laughed at his joke, you didn't laugh at mine."

"You think he's funny. He's not even that funny."

Forget it. I just react to no one, that way everybody feels equal.

So you call that personal management?

Your father, at least, had affection for his clients.

Well, affection his clients didn't have for him.

Got you the TV show, and you fired him.

No, that was a William Morris package deal. Your father understood.

Great. Just don't talk to me about affection.

I'm not talking about affection. I'm talking about getting work.

You gotta stay in New York to serve out your sentence, right?

There are no money gigs for you here.

You can do club work, $30 a show.

It will take you 7000 shows just to pay off your attorney.

I will get you Indian Casino, Princess Cruise...

...something like that in a few months.

But as you know, they are hiring "Eddie."

I mean, I'm... I'm hot now. I'm viral.

Take advantage of it. Your father would've known how to do that.

"Miller the Killer" I'd call him because your old man would kill to get me a gig.

Yeah. Yeah. He loved it when you called him that.

It killed him when you stopped.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing here? Happy Thanksgiving, baby.

Thanks. You said you weren't coming.

I flew in last night.

Get in the car. I'll take you to work. I'm just gonna take the train.

It's freezing. Get in the fucking car. I'm already... No. No.

I'm not gonna take a limo to the soup kitchen.

I'm not gonna do it. Goddamn it. Follow us.

Yes, Mr. Schiltz.

Jesus, it's 80 in Boca.

Well, then go home, Dad.

Let me make this simple for you: I need you to come back.

That what you wanna hear? I don't wanna hear anything.

The place doesn't work the same without you.

Those old people are not happy because you're not there to take care of them.

We found something you're good at. Why walk away from that?

See. That's what you do. Don't say things like that.

That's not nice. Don't... I meant it as a compliment.

It's not a compliment. How is that a compliment?

You make me seem like I'm some kind of problem that needs to be solved.

Or like I can't figure things... You are a problem.

I'm not doing this on my block. But I love you.

That isn't love.

My lawyer worked out an arrangement with the court, so you can finish...

...your community service in Florida. You can't do that without me.

You can't do that without me.

What's in New York for you? You got cheated on. You got dumped.

So what? You got arrested.

So what? These are not signs of success...

...in this city.

Go home, Dad. Hey.

A week from Monday's my birthday and you're having dinner with me.

No ifs, ands or buts. You got it? Because...

You are my sunshine My only sunshine You gotta be fucking kidding me.

You make me happy When skies are gray Don't sing.

You'll never know, dear How much I love you Okay to dinner. No singing. No more singing.

Please don't take my sunshine away And having dinner with me is not a gift!

I want a gift too!


Here he is.

The prick who came in from the cold.

Place looks good.

It smells a lot more Jewish than before.

Hey, Jay. You know my famous brother, Jackie Burke?

How you doing? Hi, Jay.

Probably needs money.

I need to talk to you.

I was right?

Jesus, I was kidding.

So you need money? No, it's fine. I'm fine.

Just doing my community service over at the Apostles Mission.

I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd say hello.

Community service? I saw the fucking video.

How could you let a heckler get to you like that?

It wasn't about the heckling. It was the goddamn camera.

You know what they were doing? Trying to use my act for their show.

Create their show out of my act. It was crazy.

You looked crazy. Yeah. So how are you?

I'm good. You? Good.

I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Look, the only thing is, I... I...

I lost a lot of gigs the last four weeks because of what happened.

And Miller's re-booking them, but I'm tapped out. I need a little...

You know what? You got a lot of fucking nerve.

I don't see you. I don't hear from you. It happened so fast.

They take your phone in prison. I read in Google News you got arrested.

Like I'm nothing to you. A lot of naked men.

Am I nothing to you? Is my family? I was preoccupied.

Is that why...? Jackie.

Hello, Flo.

How nice to see you. Nice to see you.

Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to you.

We haven't seen you for how long? Please...

Well, I was in prison. Oh, no, long before that.

So nice to see you. Nice to see you too. Nice to see you.

How are the kids? Kid.

We have one kid. She's an adult now.

I forgot. Dementia. Yeah. Yeah.

She's getting married. Is she?

Brittany's getting married? I thought she was a dyke.

You say "lesbian," asshole.

Sorry. You're right. I meant "gay." And they get married.

They can get married. You don't have to come.

He doesn't have to come.

We sent you an invitation. We heard nothing.

I was in prison. I told you. Before that.

He doesn't have to come if he's busy.

You don't have to come if it's too much trouble.

It's not too much trouble. If it's too much trouble, don't come.

I don't need the aggravation if it's trouble for you.

I don't want it to become a thing. It's not a thing.

If it's gonna be a thing, don't bother. I don't think it's a thing.

It's not a problem. It's not a thing. I would love to come. I'll be there.

It's a week from Sunday. Yes. A week from Sunday? I will be there.

So you wanna stay and have Thanksgiving dinner after we close?

Not really. I have an excuse though, and I'll tell you what it is.

I'm working at the mission. Double the hours off my sentence for Thanksgiving.

God forbid you do it because it's nice.

I need to speak to you...

...when you two are finished.

Not in this house.

Oh, she hates me. No, she doesn't hate you.

She doesn't?

Yeah, I was fucking with you. Of course she hates you.

You never show up unless you need something.

That's it? Yeah.

Sensitive bitch. None of my wives hated you.

You were never married to any of them long enough to meet me.

So how much you need?

I don't even remember. I'm so exhausted.

Pop liked me better.

Daddy did not like you better.

No, he didn't. No, he didn't.

Five thousand. No big deal. You know you'll get it back.

"You'll get it back." Yeah, I'll get it back.

Daddy loved you. You know that.

He did.

My daughter idolizes her famous uncle.

You better show up.

Thanks.

And bring a gift.

That's gonna be extra.

Go on.

Growing up, my family celebrated all the Thanksgiving traditions.

My favorite was my Uncle Moshit's telling of the Thanksgiving story.

Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

Wow, did Duck Dynasty get canceled?

Chris Rock, what the fuck are you doing here?

Hey, Chris, I was just telling my Thanksgiving story.

Uncle Moshit told me that before the first Thanksgiving...

...the pilgrims thought that turkeys were sex objects.

They couldn't fly, and "gobble-gobble" was Puritan for "blowjob."

So when the Indians arrived, right after the Macy's Day Parade...

...they brought turkeys all trussed up.

They were with cranberry sauce and gravy and potatoes...

...and the Pilgrims were like... They were pissed.

They were like, "What are they doing? They're eating our fuck birds."

But you know, being Puritans, they don't wanna be rude.

But you know what? It turned out...

...that the turkeys tasted even better than going down on their wives!

Yeah!

Would you believe that? That's the truth.

So, what do you think the Puritans did?

The Puritans stopped fucking the turkeys and started fucking the Indians instead.

That's how we stole their country...

...and made the turkey our national bird.

Supervisor's office? There. Yeah.

Up there?

You really are a piece of shit, you know that, George?

Oh, how is it my fault?

How is this my fault?

I didn't it throw at her. I threw it at you, and she stepped in the way.

That's on her. That's not on me.

Who does that? She does. Are you still seeing her?

Are you with her? You're not with her. You're not with her.

I follow you on Instagram, you moron.

I see what you're doing.

Fuck you, George. Well, fuck you, then!

No, fuck you, George.

No. I am taking the high road right now.

So are we gonna see each other again, or is this over for good?

Fuck you.

Goddamn it.

Kevin, you got the keys?

What are you doing? I'm sorry... I...

Why are you standing there, listening to a private conversation?

I wasn't listening. It's a private conversation.

I wasn't listening. I was... You can't eavesdrop...

...on a private conversation. I wasn't.

They asked me to come up to have you sign this for my hours.

You want the supervisor. That's Bobbi.

She's at the store. Okay.

And I'm allowed to be here. Sorry.

I didn't say you weren't. There's no cell service here...

...but don't say anything to anyone. Okay?

I won't say a thing.

Believe me. I will not say a thing. I just don't wanna be that guy George.

What do you know about George? He's a piece of shit.

Yeah, he is a piece of shit.

You got that right. Sounds like it.

I know you, right? You're Jackie Burke.

I am.

My dad used to love your TV show. We've watched every episode.

Always nice to meet a fan.

Yeah. Well, we just had the one TV.

What's your name? Harmony Schiltz.

Harmony Schiltz?

Were your parents in a Nazi barbershop quartet?

Yeah. It's always nice to see women laugh.

Once you can make a woman laugh...

...then you can make her do anything, they say. I don't know if that's true.

Is that what they say? It's an old saying.

Like a very, very old saying?

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning the third set...

...with the terrific Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers...

...from the jazz corner of the world.

Lee Morgan on trumpet, Wayne Shorter on the tenor saxophone...

...Bobby Timmons on the piano, Jymie Merritt on the bass.

Soul Brothers on the scene now. Soul Brothers on the scene now.

Gonna really do a cool one for you. Gonna really do a cool one for you.

How about a nice hand, everybody, together...

For the one and only Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers?


Hey, jailbird, what's up?

Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole?

Can I get you something?

Like a hemorrhoidal donut? Get Jackie a Chivas on the rocks.

Buy him a drink, but you won't book him?

Less risky. Why?

Because he's out of control. Too much baggage.

On my way up there, I saw a group of cops, six of them, on horses.

Can they do real cop stuff?

Because every time I see them, they're like:

"Easy. Easy.

Sure, I'll take a picture."

My parents are immigrants. They're from Taiwan.

They moved to Texas when I was a baby.

And I think immigration is fucking crazy.

Can you imagine moving to a completely foreign country...

...just so your offspring would have more opportunities?

Then your kid goes into stand-up comedy.

I'm Puerto Rican, which means I'm a Mexican with papers.

I was a teenage-pregnancy case. That's how we do it in my family.

We have our babies, then we get a job, then we get our periods.

I love New York City, but there's some attitude here. A little attitude.

I could never live anywhere else.

I don't know. It's a great city, but, come on...

...the greatest city in the world? It's the only place I've ever been...

"What's that smell?" "Oh, that's the greatest city in the world."

If the bathroom door's locked and I got my iPad...

...you know what I'm doing, so don't knock please.

It's one of those things. Breaks the flow.

Like when you're fucking and the phone rings and it's your mother.

Like, why are you calling me? I'm right next to you.

Oh, I just improv'd that. I didn't mean to get blue.

Sorry. Incest, it's the only thing that gets people back at 2 a.m.

We like to think RAW TV is the progressive alternative to networks.

She lost me when she said, "We like to think."

Jackie...

Scared to Death is the most-watched new show on basic cable.

Carol Bock will be right with you. Thank you.

"Raw" meaning half-baked?

No. Raw as in "rough."

You went viral because you beat the shit out of somebody...

...that's a plus for them.

Scared to Death. Maybe I should've worn my Halloween costume.

Eddie's serving a 15-year sentence for beating a heckler to death.

Where'd that idea come from? Guess.

Anyway, he becomes the convict king of the prison.

He runs everything. He runs the drugs, sex, extortion, everything.

Any kind of crime that's in the prison, he's in control of.

And then the other gang leaders, the Crips, the Bloods, the Aryan Nation...

...the Mexican Mafia, they all come to him.

And he's tough, he's ruthless, but funny.

It's like Breaking Bad on acid, but funny.

Main thing is... And pure Jackie Burke.

You'll write? I'll write the pilot...

...and I'll punch up all the scripts.

Our channel's target audience is 18-24.

He plays to that demo all the time. They will eat this up.

You got a title? Burke on the Block.

I'm open to anything. You know your audience.

Burke on the Block. It's funny.

Okay. Great.

I just have to say, Eddie...

God... Sorry.

I mean, Jackie. It's... No. No worries.

Jackie. I can't believe I said that.

It's all right. Don't worry. The idea's delicious.

Your YouTube video, a lot of hits.

Let me bandy it about with my posse here. There's a lot of stuff to consider.

How much time do you need?

I just have to tell you, Jackie, you are the reason I am in television.

In television comedy.

When I was a kid, I remember laughing so hard at you.

I couldn't wait to grow up. It is so cool to meet you.

Thank you.

But, listen, the idea is terrific, and we'll...

Did I hear a "but"?

I thought I heard a "but."

Did we hear a "but"?

There's a lot of butts sitting here, but does "but" mean "Give me some time"?

"Let me think about it"? "Maybe never"? "Whatever"?

Jackie, "but" is part of my job description.

But we don't have to go past "but." It's not necessary.

Time is of the essence. Not everybody has a lot of time, especially me "but."

Carol is just explaining that there's a process...

I know the process. She's explaining the process.

But the process is we're not interested, "but."

Thank you, "but."

And I say, so long, thank you too, "but." Thanks for coming in.

Thank you. I will give you a call.

Jackie.

You see her fucking feet on that table?

Who does she think she is? I did.

She is a fan who runs a cable network. Fucking bitch. Yeah.

She had a neon sign on her forehead that said "no."

There are new executives out there.

You have to cultivate them. They say "no" now, come back with another idea.

Gonna tap dance for these fucking idiots who don't have an ounce of talent.

They're gonna tell me what's funny?

Being funny isn't enough anymore. Now you're fired.

Jackie! Jackie, come on! Jackie, please!

It's a little tight on you. I think you should get something bigger.

It's the shirt that makes the man. Right?

You know it. There you go.

This is you. This is you.

You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.

Wait a minute.

You're that guy on TV. Eddie's Home, right?

How'd you wind up here? That's a good question.

Here I am. What can I do?

Jail? The slammer? What happened? I was and had to do community service.

Here I am. Stuck. What am I gonna do? There you go. See?

You guys are all homeless, right? Yeah. Pretty much homeless. Yeah.

Where are all the bums? The guys that don't wanna work.

What happens with them? I'm getting confused. I want to work...

...but I don't want any of the jobs I can actually get.

So I guess you could say, for me...

...it's more... Being a bum is more of a career choice.

True. Gotta do what you gotta do.

That's it. That's what I gotta do. Yeah.

You lie in your own bed, you sleep in it.

Good advice. I like that.

Where'd you learn that? An old wives' tale.

Mike, cover for me for a minute. Okay? Yeah.

Hi.

Shit. You keep sneaking up on me like that. Why do you keep doing that?

I don't know. Maybe it's something I picked up in prison.

By the way, I watched that YouTube video...

...and for what it's worth, you were absolutely right...

...to hit that guy in the face with a microphone.

Thanks. He deserved it.

But my dad's an ex-con, so I don't know what kind of judge I am.

How many hours did you get? A hundred. You?

Two fifty. For what?

Assault. Me too.

You got a hundred for assault. Why is that fair?

Why does that make sense? That makes no sense at all.

Why should a man get less than a woman? For the same thing.

That makes zero sense. Not that I mind working here...

...because I really do love being here, but that's bullshit.

What'd you do, get the celebrity discount?

No, they gave me 30 days in jail.

Well, next time, don't hit someone in the head with a microphone.

Yeah. I was provoked. Well, I was provoked.

I was provoked. You found him in bed with somebody?

Yeah. How'd you know?

I've been there. I recognized the key you were screaming in.

So, what'd you do?

I dislocated his jaw, accidentally.

Well, what about her?

She put her hand up to block a very small lamp, and her wrist broke.

Oh, okay. So...

You know, I'm sorry, I...

If... I'm sorry I was rude the other day. No, I wasn't coming on strong.

I hope you didn't think I was. I just figured that you and I are doing time together...

...so us cons gotta stick together in a place like this.

Motherfucker.

Motherfucker!

Shit! Oh, okay.

Goddamn it. Shit.

Okay. Okay.

This is the worst day ever. This is the shittiest day ever.

I can't catch a fucking break.

Goddamn it.

Shit. I'm sorry.

I don't need... I'm...

You know what? Let's get a broom. This is too messy for... We...

It's all right. It's all right. It's just a bunch of olives.

Hey, look, are you free tonight?

What? Are you free tonight?

What, like a date? No, I'm not going on a date with you.

We can call it a date, or it'll be an appointment, doesn't matter.

No date. And I'm not sleeping with you.

That's not what I wanna do. I'm not asking you to sleep with me.

I'm asking you to go on an appointment with me.

Look, you had a terrible day. You just said it.

Let me take you to a place. You might have a nice time.

My life is going great right now, so I don't know if you think...

...my life isn't going great because I am fine. I'm perfectly fine.

So I don't need you telling me that my life isn't going great...

...but if I have time tonight, I'll check my calendar...

...and make sure that I have time. If I do, then maybe I'll go.

Good. So why don't you come?

Well, what time? After your shift.

All right.

So I'll check and see if I'm free, then I'll meet you upstairs after work.

I'll be outside just like the other homeless people.

I'll be on the ground over there. Wake me up. Make sure you wake me up.

So I smell like olives. Don't worry.

Are you gonna help me clean this up?

If you go with me, I'll help you clean it up.

You ever notice that all old Jewish people have the same face...

...even when they're saying something positive? "It's gorgeous outside.

I'm so grateful I'm healthy."

Are you sure you're okay? You look like shit.

I went to visit my grandmother recently, and all these old Jewish women...

...sit around and play mah-jongg and all sound like little bees when they talk.

You know, they hunch over:

...salmon.

Anyway, so I go to find her, and she's not there and I go up to her friend Rona...

...and I said, "Rona, do you know where my grandmother is?"

She goes "I don't know, darling, but I'll let her know you're looking for her...

...trust fund."

Anyway, so...

...I walk away, and I hear her yell out in the middle of the card room:

"That's Bee Fobman's granddaughter. She's a lesbian magician."

You know what I did? I fucked her and made her disappear.

Isn't that amazing?

You guys are awesome. Don't clap. It'll never fill the hole.

Look who's here. Oh, my God.

It's Jackie Burke. Jackie Burke's in the crowd.

That is... I have not seen you in so long.

Isn't it adorable when celebrities bring their hookers to the club?

Isn't that amazing? Isn't that awesome?

What did he do to get you here?

That he would buy me an ass... Ice-cream cone.

"Ass cream" is amazing.

That's so cute.

I tasted ass cream, and it is so delicious.

There's all kinds of flavors.

What kind of flavor ass cream would you get if you...?

You need to be careful because those sprinkles will be roofies.

Trust me, I know. I was very sore after that night.

You're giving away my secret, Jess. After everything I've done for you.

I was there for you when you were starting out as a young man.

I always had a bigger dick though.

I did. Always.

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Wait, wait. You know what, Jess? You're right. Your cock is huge.

So I wanna tell you guys something. It's so good to see Jackie.

Because Jackie is really my mentor. I was opening for him one night...

I mean, comedy. I was opening comedy.

Yeah. We did a Jewish country-club gig.

No. It was Italian.

No. It wasn't Italian. It was Jewish. They were Jews.

I went in the men's room. Believe me, it was Italian.

A lot of calzones.

Give him a hand. He's incredible. My pleasure.

You suck in bed, but you're such a great guy and a great comic.

That was amazing. That was so much fun. I feel like I'm high.

You were so funny. That was... You're so much funnier than Eddie.

You're so quick, and, like, do you come up with all that on the spot?

Sometimes. Yeah.

That was good. Thank you.

Are you free on Sunday?

No. I'm not. I don't...

No, no. I have a wedding that I have to go to. My niece's wedding.

I don't wanna go... I don't wanna go alone.

I thought, maybe, if you went, you could be my wingman.

We could have a few laughs. Okay.

Really? Yeah.

You're free on Sunday? Yeah.

What, you have no life?

But you have to do me a favor. What's that?

My dad's birthday's on Monday, and...

...he asked me for a birthday gift, and you're it.

Do I have to?

Yeah.

Okay, okay. Deal?

Deal. Okay.

That was fun. I loved that.

Thank you. I appreciate you doing this.

Remember, this is family.

I need 20 more cases of champagne.

Mr. Jackie Burke.

Your brother asked me to wait for you.

You're late. It's already started. Come on. Hurry.

They haven't done the glass-breaking yet, have they?

The glass-breaking part is my favorite part.

The ceremony was an hour ago. We are about to present the brides.

Shit.

Nice dress. Too bad they didn't have it in your size.

How do you get in and out of that thing? None of your business.

Come on. Everybody, inside. Inside now.

Please.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to present to you the newlyweds.

The Berkowitz-Nelsons: spouses for life.

Everybody stand up. Stand up.

And for their first dance, they've prepared something special for you.


Come on, guys!


Hey, you came.

Congratulations. Thank you.

This is my brother, Jimmy. Harmony.

Hi.

You never cease to amaze me.

Very nice.

This is my wife, Florence. Hi.

This is Harmony, Jackie's friend. Congratulations. Thanks for having me.

Nice to meet you, and thank you for coming.

Uncle Jackie! Oh, my God, you came.

Uncle Jackie, this is my wife, Frankie.

Nice to meet you. Congratulations. My Uncle Jackie.

Hi. Welcome to our family.

You can come meet our friends. Meet our friends.

Come on. Guys, guys.

This is my Uncle Jackie.

This is such a nice wedding, and your daughter, she's beautiful.

Beautiful dress.

Kleinfeld's.

And Frankie has a different one.

Yeah. They're partners, not twins.

Flo, Flo.

Have you known Jackie long?

How did you meet?

I picked him up at the homeless shelter.

Are you gonna talk? Florence, Florence.

Florence. I'm so sorry.

Come on. You gotta make us laugh. Please. That would be so great.

You're gonna say a few words, right? I'm just here as a guest.

Just as a guest. Please. Come on. It would be so great.

Ask your parents. I don't wanna deal with a...

We don't want it to become a thing. He doesn't want to. He's a guest.

If she's gonna make a thing out of it, then it's gonna be a disaster.

No. For me, for me. You gotta. Please? For us.

Come on. It's my wedding.

Okay.

Thank you!

Come on, guys.

Come on. Let's go. No, no.

Come on. I think I'm coming down with something.

You're not coming down with something. I get nervous up there. Dizzy.

I get dizzy. To dance?

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, you. You chicken!

Come on. No. I don't do physical comedy.

You dance. I'm gonna take her.

Take her. Don't steal her. Take me.

Come on. Come on.

Dance with me, beautiful.

Who's the shiksa?

Dance.

You should be worried, Jackie.

Please. Everyone stand back.

Are you all right?

Are you okay? Inhale. Exhale.

Hey. Hey, let go.

It's not my heart we are worried about. Get up, you old letch.

Okay. Come on.

That was fun.

Yeah. Well, you're having a good time. You should've done it. You're not sick.

Little shits. Don't push me!

No maternal instinct?

No. My maternal instinct kicks in when I'm 70.

When you're 70?

Were you ever married?

No. No?

Never...?

Seems very unusual that a girl like you is not attached.

I've been attached. It's just never stuck.

You have more questions?

Hi, can I have your attention, everybody?

Thank you. Brittany.

Frankie and I wanna welcome you...

...all here tonight. We love you, Frankie.

You can't imagine how happy I am you all came to share...

...this day with us. She seems nice.

I don't know her that well.

You may have noticed my uncle, Jackie Burke, is here.

Some of you may recognize him as Eddie from Eddie's Home.

Eddie!

But I've known him my whole life.

I still remember him teaching me dirty jokes as a kid.

Before I could say "Dada," I could say "caca."

He taught me the B word, the S word, the F word. Yeah, all of them.

She already knew the C word. She picked it up on her own.

But, seriously, it means so much to me...

...that he's here today after way too many years.

So please give a warm welcome to my Uncle Jackie.

Careful up there. We're outnumbered. He'll say a few words. Jackie Burke!

So happy he came. Here we go.

Thank you, honey.

You know, it's a...

It's an honor being here to celebrate Brittany and Frankie's wedding.

Frankie, right? Not Butch?

How long till the divorce?

Same-sex divorce is the latest thing, you know?

What the fuck is this place anyway? The Titanic? What is this?

Look at these fucking chandeliers.

Jesus.

These chairs aren't tall enough. What's this?

And I wanna thank...

Seriously, I wanna thank Flo and Jimmy for inviting me to this beautiful occasion.

Yeah. Thanks for coming. Really is.

And all the other family members...

...many of whom I thought were dead.

Most of whom I hoped were dead.

Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck you up like family. That's for sure.

We're in trouble. He knows.

You know, I had a troubled childhood.

My father molested my brother. Jimmy, I'm just telling one little story.

Here we go. Not good.

My father molested my little brother, and the bastard never even touched me.

Never even looked at me.

Do you know what it's like growing up feeling unwanted?

Knowing that your father doesn't find you attractive enough to fondle?

I mean, was it so terrible...?

Would it have been so terrible if he just played with my dick a little?

Just stroked it? You know, wiggled it a little? Something.

He didn't do anything. I felt terrible. I was so rejected. Anyway...

I know we're supposed to pretend there's nothing wrong or unusual...

...about this event tonight, just another middle-class Jewish wedding. Right?

No. Wrong.

So can I address the 800-pound gorilla in the room?

And that would be...

...Flo.

Flo, how did you let this happen?

Can't be Jimmy's fault. What have you done to my poor little brother?

He was 6 feet tall when you got married.

Oh, and now Brittany. Oh, no.

You were so concerned about her growing up...

...to be a Jewish American princess, you didn't even notice...

...that she was turning out to be a Jewish American prince.

The shame that she brought all of us... Will you stop this?

...by marrying a non-Jew.

Well, that's me. What did you do, Flo?

God have mercy on you.

I'm gonna fucking kill you when we get home.

I have my own special gift to present to the newlyweds.

I've been doing volunteer work...

...down at the mission, for the homeless. He was in jail.

They don't like to be called "bums" anymore.

And they were so moved when I told them about...

...Brittany and Frankie's reproductive challenges...

...that they all wanted to help.

So they all got together, each one...

...and they all contributed to making a very significant...

...a very thoughtful, a very useful gift: a pint of semen.

Thanks, boys. Give them a hand. Disgusting.

They've worn theirs out.

Oh, my gosh.

James, stop this.

Uncle Jackie would've added a dash and a splash of his own...

...but that would be incest, and incest, you know, is even worse than being gay.

Boos, really?

Flo likes it.

Apparently, Brittany and I share the same weakness...

...for wanting to bang beautiful young women.

And yet she turned out to be so normal and I turned out to be so fucked up.

How did that happen? You got that right.

I don't know. Maybe it's because...

...I never met a woman like Frankie, and maybe it's because...

...I never found a love and happiness...

...that Brittany and Frankie have found with each other.


Come on. Let's make a run for it before they lynch us.

I've never seen anything like that. Me neither.

You just can't help yourself, can you?

This low-life motherfucking brother of yours.

Takes a dump at our kid's wedding, and that's all you're gonna say?

What do you want me to say? We let him up there. You know what he does.

Brittany asked him to be Jackie Burke, so I don't know why you're yelling at him.

Who the fuck are you to talk to me like that?

Flo... Who invited you...

...with your no-underwear dress?

This is not... Go. Please.

What the fuck is your problem?

I don't have a problem.

Don't yell at me. Don't comment on my dress. Look at your fucking dress.

My dress is beautiful. It's time to cut the cake.

Fuck you. Fuck you back.

Fuck you back. Fuck you back.

It's time to cut the cake.

It's time to cut the cake. You're lucky I don't get my brothers...

...to cut your nut sack off before you hit the tunnel!

What's the problem? The kids loved it. Come on. Let me at him.

Come on. Let me at him. Stupid bitch!

You're the mother... Oh, shut up!

Let me go. I'll see you again, in hell, motherfucker!

You are a beast! Okay. Just calm down.

"You're lucky my brothers don't cut your nut sack off before you get to the tunnel."

She's a nut case.

She's amazing. I love her.

That's what I get for doing something nice for my brother's kid.

That was so much fun. Family.

Tomorrow night's your turn.

Hi. Hi.

Thanks for doing this. No problem.

You okay?

You look beautiful.

You know this joint's famous.

Back in '85, Big Paulie Castellano got whacked right here on this sidewalk.

Yeah. Paulie was a friend of my dad's.

I'm taking you with me.

Hi.

That's him right there.

Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz.

Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Is this who I think it is?

Is it Eddie?

I think it's Eddie, but it's Jackie.

It's Eddie. My baby.

Boy, you did it this time. What a birthday surprise.

"Arlene."

Thank you.

Thank you, Eddie, for all the countless laughs. Thank you.

Happy birthday. And I just wanna... It's Jackie, by the way.

I've enjoyed you so much.

Look at that punim. Look at it.

In fact, so much, I can do you.

I can. You can?

Did she tell you? No. No.

Yeah. He can do you.

I've been doing you in the bathroom and at parties for decades.

You must have a better manager than I do.

Sit. Sit.

Sit.

Gino. Ring the register. Eddie's here. Copy that, Mr. Schiltz.

Jesus, I don't believe this.

What a birthday present.

What are you drinking? Chivas on the rocks.

For you? My baby drinks martinis.

Hey.

How about giving us one big "Arlene, where are you?"

Do it. Come on.

Dad. No. Do I have to?

Yeah. For my birthday.

Come on. Please.

Come on. I don't wanna do it.

Come on. Once. Dad, don't.

Hey, I don't expect anyone to work for free.

No, no, no. No, what are you doing? No.

What? Sorry. No.

Put it away. Don't do that. Put what?

Sorry. No. You misunderstand.

Eddie, I don't mean to embarrass you.

I'll tell you what. Let me do it. Let me do you. I got you down.

I'll pay you not to.

That's funny...

...but you don't wanna get into a pissing contest with me about money.

Come on, let's have some fun. This is me respecting you.

You're my favorite.

"Arlene, whose vibrator is this?

Did you take the batteries out of the smoke alarm again?"

Okay. Show's over.

Thank you. Sure.

Cheers. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Mac. Thank you, Eddie.

Jackie.

How was my timing? Give me some input.

I thought you were me for a second.

Try doing it while drinking a glass of water.

Have a drink. God, you were great. You were great.

Drink some more. It'll make it easier.

So how did you two meet?

We do our community service together down at the Apostle Soup Kitchen.

Right.

You don't have to worry about that anymore.

I got them to transfer your hours to Florida.

I thought we talked about that.

Remember, we talked about that.

Because I'm not sure if I wanna go back.

But you don't know where you wanna go.

She's always been such a mamzer.

I'm at the table. I'm still sitting here.

Here at the table. It's done. I chartered a plane.

We're leaving tomorrow.

Noon. Teterboro.

What's in Florida?

I own this retirement community in Delray Beach.

We help the elderly to live out their lives with some dignity.

I'd like to pass through this dinner with some dignity.

She's great with the old people. She's got a magic touch.

Well, she's a wonderful person.

It's okay, honey. When you come back from Florida, we'll find our place to live.

What? What?

We're moving in together.

Is it okay if I call you "Dad"?

You're a funny man, but this is my daughter.

Yeah, I know. Every daughter has a mother...

...every mother has a daughter. The girl that left before...

...probably has a grandmother or a grandfather.

Harmony's my daughter.

She's not the punch line for somebody's jokes.

And when you look at my daughter and the way she's looking at you...

I'm not. What are you talking about?

I wanna know your expectations.

My expectations? Expectations.

Yeah.

To fuck her brains out. After that, we'll see.

You know...

...I'm a sucker for an honest man.

And I'm a sucker for a girl that has daddy issues.

Okay. So you go to the bar, and I'll meet you there in a minute.

Sure. It's been a terrific crowd. Nice to meet you, Pops.

Happy birthday.

Don't tell me you're interested in that schmuck.

Okay. If you had listened at all and shut your mouth for one second...

...you would know that I wasn't interested in him at all.

But you don't ever shut up.

You don't ever shut up. You're unbelievable.

Where are you going? Unbelievable. I'm leaving.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

He's an asshole. Let him go. You are.

I'll take care of him.

You're not gonna take care of him. No.

You're being the asshole.

Don't embarrass me like that in front of people.

That's humiliating. I humiliated you?

That was humiliating. Don't talk about me like that...

...in front of people. I have self-respect. Where's your self-respect?

I am not doing this... Go.

...in a restaurant with you. I'll see you at Teterboro.

Happy birthday.

Come on. I need about 10 drinks.

Arlene.

Arlene.

That was good. Was that good?

That was good. Very good.

You should've seen the look on your face when Mac said, "Arlene... Arl..."

Wait. Wait.

Wait. What? Arlene.

Welcome.

This is nice.

If you don't get murdered on the street before you get in.

They're artists. Not murderers.

You want some bourbon? Sure. Sure.

I think these artists got guns.

Sure you wanna leave?

I have to. I'm on parole.

I can't fight my dad and his expensive lawyer.

I don't have that kind of money.

I'm moving to the Sunshine State.

You want some? Make it a double.

I'm gonna be up all night packing all this stuff.

Why pack now? Relax. Here.

Cheers.

I mean, I think Florida will be good.

I love working with the elderly people.

They like me, and I'm good at it.

And it seems like Florida has a lot to offer.

Yeah. Like what? Besides skin cancer.

You know what I loved?

I loved that you pissed off Mac tonight. That was great.

He's a difficult person. I can see that. I mean...

But you gotta tell him back. You gotta talk back to him.

Talk back to him? Yeah. Talk back.

And say? You gotta say:

"Dad, don't talk to me that way. Stop this. Stop being crazy."

Yeah. Right.

He'll listen and respect you. No, he won't.

He might be upset, but he'll respect you.

Can you imagine? Yeah. He's a good listener.

And your mother?

My mother, she... My mother...

This is a true story.

My mother...

...when I was 4, went to the market...

...and then she never came home.

Really, she never came home? Never came home.

And Mac never explained what happened.

I don't... Why would she do that?

You were 4 years old.

And, you know, it wasn't your fault.

Yeah. Well, she was married to your father.

I mean, I met the guy for 15, 20 minutes, and I wanted to leave.

You think that's why she didn't come back?

Well, I know that's why. Maybe.

I mean, your father's a prick, but at the same time, your father's there.

You know, I...

In...

When I was...

...a lot younger, I was...

...not around a lot, and I wasn't there for my son.

You had a son? Yeah.

Well, I had one son, and he died. He passed away.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

It was an overdose.

His mother and I weren't there for him. It was a toxic relationship.

I was always on the road.

Probably avoiding the whole situation. I was young. I was stupid.

I can't give an excuse. I have no reason to say anything except that I was wrong.

And I didn't accept the responsibility. I didn't do what I should've done.

You know? And what do I do? I make jokes about it.

I'm a comedian. I make a joke about horrible "mother-wife" jokes.

How do you...? What do you mean?

Well, I tell these fucking jokes.

You know, these horrible my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes.

What's a horrible mother and wife? No. I don't wanna do it.

Why not? Why not? Come on.

Wait. What? Tell me. Here. Come on. Okay. Stand up.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Burke.

Okay. Go. Okay.

Okay. What do you want me to do?

What do you wanna do? Well, you know what I wanna do.

So, what do I have to do to get what I wanna do?

I don't know. It depends how funny you are.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...did you hear about the daddy's girl who had sex with a 67-year-old comedian?

Are you only 67? I thought you were 70.

No. No, but I do wear a diaper.

Oh, cute. That's sexy. Can you help me change it?

Come sit down.

Come here.

I got out of that one.

This is not what I wanna be doing. Stand-up tonight.

You're really good.

You're really funny, and you're really cute.

This is just something I wanna do. Okay?

It doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't?

Well, then you have to be gentle because it's my first time.

And you're not gonna spend the night.

I'm not? No.

What am I supposed to do, leave my dick here and pick it up in the morning?


Chow mein?

Fuck you.

"Fuck you." That's good too.

Hold it. Thank you. Good afternoon, Friar Crystal.

Good to see you. Nice to see you.

Jackie. You're out. Billy.

I'm out. Yeah. Good.

Must've been strange, huh?

Interesting. Yeah.

Maximum security, I'm guessing.

Yeah. Really?

Kind of.

Roommate?

Yeah.

You're blushing. I found love.

He's a lucky guy.

All that rain must be tough on your ankle bracelet, huh?

I'm just kidding. I'm glad you're out.

I'm glad you're doing okay.

Take care of yourself. Yeah. You too.

Yeah. Work that jab.

Yeah. Right, asshole.

What a schmuck.

Hey, look who's here.

Hey.

Hey, look who it is. It's Jackie boy.

Jackie. It's the man.

Gentlemen.

You still funny? No. I'm doing your jokes now, Dick.

I heard you're having a rough time. Anything we can do, we're here.

I appreciate that, D'Angelo. Sure, if I need syphilis, I'll let you know.

We still holding a grudge? No. Are you still doing my jokes, Dick?

Only the good bits. Good.

Because I'm still doing your ex-wife.

Some things never change.

Chivas on the rocks, drop of water for Mr. Burke, please.

I thought I fired you.

I've got a possible gig.

Great. What do I have to do, dress up as Eddie for a children's birthday party?

Do you want a job, or do you want to be asshole?

Do I have to choose?

So I'm the treasurer here. We had a big meeting last night.

We're having a tribute for May Conner February 1st.

It's gonna be a big event. TV special.

Network thinks they're gonna pull 7 million viewers.

May Conner.

Love her.

So D'Angelo is responsible for the programming. He's calling all the shots.

And as of right now, it's overbooked.

Is Billy doing it? He's not available.

We're hoping that changes.

And if that changes, it's not overbooked for him.

No. Billy Crystal is royalty.

You are not even a member anymore, Jackie.

You can't show up every once in a while and expect to be on the dais.

Okay? You have got to rejoin.

Kiss the ring, please. Just this once.

What a fucking shit world this is.

Hey, Dick, do you have a minute?

Okay. Okay.

Listen, I want a good spot on the rotation. I don't wanna go after him.

This fuck will steal every joke I have.

You want a spot on May's tribute?

Yeah. Miller mentioned it.

Actually, I'd be honored to do it.

She's a barely-living legend.

Funny. Well, I'm not saying for sure it's overbooked now, but...

...anything is possible.

Pretty please, Dick?

Miller told me you're thinking about rejoining. If you did...

...that would go a long way, but since I'm also head of the membership committee...

...I need to ask you a serious question.

Is your parole officer joining the club with you?

Because I can get you a couple's membership.

Funny.

You did good. That wasn't so bad now, was it?

I need a power wash.


Hi, it's Harmony. Leave a message.

Hey, Harmony, how are you? It's me.

Everything okay? I haven't heard from you.

The boys at the mission are asking about you.

Tell Mac I said, "Arlene."

Okay. Get back to me.

Ms. Conner, how many husbands did you really have?

Husbands? I can't remember. Were there five of them or seven?

Okay, everybody, we're gonna take five. Thank you.

Can we take a break with the pictures? I need a martini.

May.

Jackie Burke.

Hey, kid. How you doing?

What an honor it is to be ripping you a new one...

...in the name of such a worthy cause.

You mind if I smoke? I don't care if you burn.

I always loved that line.

I loved Gleason. Oh, Gleason loved me.

He loved my tits.

We all loved your tits.

May, I don't think you can smoke inside.

I'm 95. If I wanna smoke or piss on the sidewalk or say the N word...

...I'm fucking gonna do it.

The world today, so goddamn serious about everything.

Exactly. Exactly.

I'm going to the bar. Okay? What do you want?

Martini, one olive, like always?

God bless you.

Okay.

Who was that?

All right, everyone. Let's salute our honored guest.

May? May, listen to me, okay?

I'm your friend. Okay?

It's over. You're finished. Finito. Your movies are on the History channel.

And your movies?

What movies? You aren't in any movies.

You tell him, May!

All joking aside...

What jokes?

She told you, Dick. Hey, go get them, May.

You, truly, are one of the greatest talents in this business. What can I say?

You're a barely-living legend.

I mean... I mean, quite honestly, I'm amazed you're still sitting up.

Okay. That's enough, Dick.

Wake up, people.

The "whatever-happened-to" portion of the evening is officially over.

Go back to sleep. Go to hell.

Or do you need your parole officer's permission?

"Parole officer" this.

Come on, get the fuck out of here.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the Friars Club...

...Jackie Burke, also known as Eddie, also known as prisoner 9-4-2-8-2-8.

Jailbird!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did a little time.

But my 30 days is nothing compared to the hard time...

...you just served listening to this guy, D'Angelo.

Give him a hand.

Now let's get to the main event. Looking great, May!

May... Yeah, May.

...oh, May.

We've heard a lot about your many accomplishments tonight...

...but no one's really talked about how tough it was for you starting out.

It was tough.

It was tough. You tell me about it. I know how tough it was.

Well, tell me about it. All right.

Today, you can get by just by blowing the director.

I love you, May!

But, God, when I think of the things that you had to do.

I did. But whatever you did worked...

...because you played some of the most iconic...

...roles in the history of film.

And I, Jackie Burke...

...was with you all the way.

All the way All the way When you played the title role in The Battleship Potemkin...

...I was one of the sailors you took on.

Remember me? I came in your porthole.

Then we were reunited.

Who could ever forget when we were together...

...in the original Poseidon Adventure? You as the Poseidon.

Me as the cabin boy. You were the cabin boy.

You know. You remember.

Remember my audition? Yeah.

Yes, and you got the part.

And I went down with the ship.

Yes, May Conner, you chewed a lot of scenery...

...in your time. I certainly did.

And swallowed.

May Conner: star, philanthropist, Oscar winner...

...and record holder for fucking more young boys...

...than the entire Los Angeles Archdiocese.

You are really something. Jackie. Stop.

It's okay, May. It's okay. Don't worry. D'Angelo's not coming back.

He's just touching you now, but he's gonna go away. May?

Seriously, May? An orgasm now?

What's happening?

Oh, my God. Is she all right?

May, you okay?

Give her some water. No, no, no.

Get a doctor.

May...

Somebody do something.

I'm not sure if this is...

Is there a doctor in the house? Seriously. We need a doctor.

Come up here immediately.

Don't block these aisles. Call a medic!

Stay in your places.

Somebody... Get her back. Get her back.

Somebody, aspirin.

Get some aspirin. Get the defibrillator!

You killed.

Should someone call 911?

I didn't get to my best stuff.

Three-time Oscar winner and six-time Emmy winner, May Conner...

...suffered a fatal heart attack on stage at 11:00 tonight...

...at the Edison Ballroom.

The 95-year-old Conner was taken by ambulance to Mt. Sinai Hospital...

...where she was pronounced dead on arrival.

The legendary actress-comedienne...

...was the honoree at tonight's Friars Club Tribute.

New York One's Jaime Puckett was there and spoke afterward...

...with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo.

We lost a great one tonight. I'm...

...devastated.

May and I were more than just... Fans all over the world will be mourning.

She was, truly, America's Queen of Comedy.

Family members requested that the Friars cancel the broadcast...

...and, of course, we agreed.


So nothing in New York. Nothing in the tristate area.

We have three offers for appearances. In Wisconsin is a Democratic fundraiser.

Wisconsin in February? Next.

Then a three-day master-comedy class seminar at SOAS College.

What's SOAS College? It's in London.

The last one you're not gonna like, but it pays the most.

It's a television-classics autograph convention...

...in West Palm Beach doing Eddie. What are the Democrats paying?

Three thousand, plus expenses.

The Republicans would pay a lot more, but who wants to do it for them?

So, what about London?

Five thousand, but you pay for your ticket.

What about Florida? Twenty-five thousand, plus expenses.

I gotta take that.

Yeah. For you.

Hey, here's your number seven. Hold the Russian dressing.

What are you doing after work?

She deserted you? No, she's gonna come back.

Cool it, Casanova.

Mrs. Berkowitz...

Excuse me? All right, Tina. I'll get the number seven.

You got 30 days, I got life.

Does she know? About the money?

Yes. Gonna take a while to pay you back.

No. She knows, and we both agree, we don't want you to pay us back.

What does that mean? You can't...

What it means is I don't have to do this anymore. You understand?

I'm through with this. I'm done with this.

You don't come back anymore and ask for anything ever again.

What are you so mad about? I'm not mad.

But people don't change. People never change.

They are what they are, and that's that.

What is this?

You see how it is with her? Like, you've become a thing.

Oh, I'm a thing now?

You're a thing, I can't take it, I can't do it anymore.

I can't take the aggravation.

I don't know what to say.

I'm so fucking aggravated. I'm trying to get something going here.

By the way, I thought you killed at the wedding. You killed.

You smashed. You knocked it out of the park.

It was... I had fun doing it. Brittany loved it.

She was never happier.

Oh, good. Well, that's good.

That's what it's all about, for her, you know?

If you're ever playing anywhere, you let me know.

I'll come, we'll have a beer. Okay. That, I appreciate.

Okay? Yeah.

See you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

So, what's it gonna be? Wisconsin, London or Florida?


Wow, what a beautiful audience.

I wanna say before we start, I've been looking forward to this performance...

...more than any other because being here with you makes me feel alive.

Sing along if you know the words.

Chair.


What is that?

Look who's here.

The laugh-a-minute. What the fuck are you doing here?

I just came by to say hello.

Passing through. Oh, could you say goodbye?

Just calm down. It's okay. I'm just visiting.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Eddie. Is that you?

Aren't you Eddie from Eddie's Home?

I'm such a fan of yours.

No. No. It's okay. Oh, I love it. I just love you.

Thank you!

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so, so much.

That was sweet. Thank you so, so much.

Thank you so much.

You know... It's nice.

...it isn't often enough that we take the time to hear the stories...

...and listen to the wisdom of our elders.

So I wanna come down and get to know some of you wonderful people.

Let's start with you, young lady. What's your name?

Adele. Hello, Adele.

Tell us a little about yourself.

I was a gym teacher for 42 years.

Oh, my God. I can't believe it. Gym teacher.

I'm gonna tell everybody. You look terrific.

See him? Eddie.

Why are you here? What do you mean?

What are you doing here? I'm here. I just told your father.

What, is Alzheimer's contagious? Your punch lines for us are over.

Can you give us a sec?

Oh, thank you. Thank you so, so much.

Let's go over here. What's your name, miss?

Look. Look who's there. I am Miriam.

Tell us a little about yourself, Miriam. Eddie.

Well, I was a dancer.

I was on Broadway once.

Eddie. Broadway star.

What's new, Esther?

I can't believe Eddie's here. Right here in our midst.

Can I have your autograph? Why did you show up without calling?

Well, I didn't. I called you before and you never answered me.

You never got back to me once. I thought I'd come say hello since I was down here.

Go out there, big shot. They want you.

I'm not fucking going out there. You go.

Come on. You're an entertainer. Give them what they want.

Come on. You do it, buddy. You go up and do it.

Yeah, but you can't just show up here.

I just came here for business. A convention.

You had a convention?

I'm going to a convention. You're just...

Well, you should've called...

...and not... What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. After I left those messages...

...so many messages, you didn't call me once.

You... I texted you, you didn't answer the text.

No. Really, I've just been so busy.

Okay. I understand that, but I'm here now.

Thought I'd take you to dinner. How about tomorrow night?

That's fine. Just call before you show up like that.

Okay. Let's have a hand for Devin O'Connor.

Thank you.

Great performance. Folks... Good job, honey. Thank you.

...I've got a really big surprise for you now.

Just in from New York... Oh, no.

...television star and personal friend: This guy.

Eddie from Eddie's Home. See?

That's right. Eddie from Eddie's Home.

Don't go out there. No. This isn't... This is not your crowd.

They don't like comedy.

Let's bring him up here.

If you want to, you can, but... Come on.

...it's not a good idea. Yeah.

Now your father's my best friend.

Yes. Can you believe it?

Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here. Happy to be here.

And I wanna thank my new best friend, Mac Schiltz.

Only he knows how close we really are.

Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer?

Yeah. Come sit on my lap.

I'll spin you around like a dreidel.

That was a Jewish joke.

My mother was a dancer. She worked at a gentleman's club.

She was a lap dancer.

You imagine how hard it was for me to nurse?

Is that supposed to be funny? It was supposed to be funny.

You didn't like that? Well...

Would you like me to do it another way?

Like that? That's not funny to you?

What kind of dancer were you? I was a chorus girl.

A chorus girl.

I always wanted to bang a chorus girl. Join the club.

Oh, good comeback.

You're a good sport, Miriam. I like that.

Let's do a threesome: me, you and Adele.

How about that? She was a gym teacher, so she'll do all the heavy lifting.

Probably a dyke.

That doesn't matter.

What's with these guys here? What's this group?

You look like a street gang or something. Yeah. That's us.

What's your name? Herman.

Herman. With a name like that, you must have got laid a lot.

I recognize you. I remember. I see you prowling all the discos and clubs here.

There's a lot of them in this part of the world. Good for you.

What about your porn? You guys have a porn collection?

Who's got the best pussy shots?

Bernie. Bernie.

Yeah. Now listen, I'm curious, Bernie.

Are you a breast man or tit man?

Leg man? Ass man?

Whatever else? Tuchuses.

Tuchuses? Yes.

Have you met Adele, the gym teacher? Oh, yeah.

I know you two must have been fucking each other for a couple of years.

She used to be able to climb up a rope with just her ass.

Oh, no.

Adele, I found a live one.

No.

I think he's alive, hold on. Yeah. He's alive.

Still ticking. Where you going?

Hey, hey, fellow. Rip Van Winkle.

My name is Benjamin. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Benjamin, what do you have to do, number one or number two?

Number three.

Number three? Yeah.

Number three. The big Mac Schiltz special.

Are you sure? I think you already did something there.

You know, I... Looks like you did number six there.

Jesus, or maybe it's up to eight.

Okay. I see you all like bathroom humor...

...which is good because that's what I like. We're all thinking alike.

Look, I'm gonna do a song, and I'm gonna change the lyrics slightly.

So I think we'll have a little fun with that. It's called...

Well, you've all heard the song "Makin' Whoopee"?

So I'm just gonna change it a little, and when I point to you...

...you go, "Not making poopie."

Can we do that? Okay.

One, two, three. Let's try it now:

Not makin' poopie Okay. One more time.

Come on, you guys sound like you need a little coke to get you going.

One more time, one, two, three:

Not makin' poopie Yeah! Okay. Great.

Here we go. Here it goes.

Maestro...

Another fear Another year Another enema In your rear Elimination Constipation Not makin'...

Poopie Yeah.

Pee pee is fine Except if it leaks What'd you expect From elderly freaks?

It's so abusive Stools are elusive Not makin'

Whoopee, not "poopie."

We're doing "poopie" here.

I am not. All right.

We've got a killjoy in the house.

Okay.

You're on the toilet From 9 to 5 Holy shit It's good to be alive It's all a breeze now But please don't sneeze now

You're making poopie Big finish.

Not being loopy Better than whoopee Everybody now.

I'm making poopie Poopie.

Poopie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Well, I hope nobody was offended here.

It was all in good fun.

In about 20 years, we're all gonna be dead, so let's celebrate while we can.

Thanks for coming.

I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror.

What's your name? Ted.

Are you still friends with the other actors, Arlene and your son?

No. They all died.

Sorry.

Boy, they were funny.

Funny. Funny. She was funny. He was funny.

Very funny.

Can I ask you something? Sure.

Do you still think the show is funny after all these years?

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes...

...but it wasn't always about the laughs.

Eddie could say the craziest things.

I think that's what I liked most.

Can I just get one "Hey, Arlene" for my wife? Just one?

Yeah. Sure.

"Arlene, Eddie's home!

I'm gonna kill the whole fucking family!

Me, you and our little fruitcake son!"

Oh, my God.

How's that? That's what I'm talking about.

You liked that? Thanks for being Eddie.

Hey. Hey, you ready?

I actually don't feel very good. I was thinking about staying in tonight.

Okay. Yeah.

You all right? Yeah.

Can I come in?

For a minute?

Sure.

You look nice.

Thanks. You too.

No, I don't.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, because we had...

We had such a good time, and now everything feels a little...

A little off.

I mean, do you have a boyfriend...

...or somebody you're seeing? No.

No.

No.

Something that I did?

No, no, no.

No?

Well...

...I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant.

Is it...?

So...? It's me, you mean?

Yeah.

I know.

You sure? Yeah.

I mean, the timing's right, and I haven't been with anyone else, so...

You haven't been with anyone else? You gotta be honest with me.

Can you blame me? I gotta ask you.

I mean, I have to.

I've gotta make sure that it's my child.

Okay.

No.

It's yours.

Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are.

I'm not... No. You're not as shocked as I am.

Yeah, I am. No, you're not.

You know, I wasn't gonna...

...do this, and I made the appointment at the clinic...

...and I drove myself down there, and I...

...couldn't get out of the car. It was the weirdest thing.

I... I just kept thinking about the...

...talk that we had and talking about my mom and I...

You know, I felt like I couldn't...

...make this baby feel unwanted the way I was.

And I just...

I...

I feel like I'm never gonna have this opportunity again, you know, and...

...so I'm gonna give it a shot...

...and I'm excited.

So I have nothing to say about this?

What do you have to say?

Well, maybe I don't wanna be a father again.

Okay. Well, you don't have to be a father. Nobody's asking you.

But I'm gonna be the father and I'm gonna be an older father, which...

...I don't expect you to understand, but I am.

I can't even guarantee how long I'll be around for the child.

I'm...

Actually, it's me having the baby, not you...

...and so you are, like I said, off the hook.

I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry. I'm not off the hook.

Okay. I'm not asking you. I'm not off the hook.

I'm the father, and you're telling me that I'm off the hook?

No. This is... You can't just decide this on your own.

Doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. I can.

It does affect me. And I just did decide. Thank you.

Yes. I did decide this. It affects me.

No. It doesn't. It doesn't affect you.

It does. You have nothing to do with it.

You have the baby, it doesn't affect me?

You're not giving me any choice. Okay, well...

You did have a choice! You just said you didn't wanna be a father.

I didn't say... I said, I don't know if I wanna be a father again.

That's fine. I don't want you to be! I don't need you to be!

If this hadn't happened, I'd run into you in five years. You'd be with a little kid.

You gonna tell me, "By the way, this is your child"?

You didn't want anything to do with it! Pregnant with my child...

...and you wouldn't tell me. So fucking what?!

There you go! So fucking what?!

"Fuck you. I'll have the child." You should get that.

This is... Unbelievable.

Ah, fuck. Fuck this.

This is fucking crazy.

Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna talk business when I'm here.

No. I don't wanna talk to you right now.

Miller, what is it? What do you wanna...? Goddamn it.

I don't have time to talk right now. What is it?

You're viral again.

What? Yeah. Something about "poopie"?

And a bunch of retirees?

Holy shit I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie I'm makin' I'm makin' shit I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie Over three million views in eight hours, and it is still climbing.

You are on Kimmel. You're on Fallon.

So I got a call from Carol Bock from RAW TV.

Carol Bock. What the fuck does she want?

She needs a host for a reality-show pilot.

It shoots on Monday in New York.

Monday... So soon?

They had D'Angelo signed. He had to drop out at the last minute.

Of course. He's got a better manager.

No, he got pancreatic cancer.

Timing is everything.

Cancer. Who'd he steal that from? Okay. I'm coming.

All right. Don't leave me hanging. Yeah. I said, I'm coming! Yeah.

I'm making poopie It's good to be alive Yeah.

Makin' shit I'm makin'

I'm makin'

Poopie I'm makin' shit

Well, well.

Hey, Mac. What have we here?

The comedian slithering out?

Look, I got a gig in New York. It's important.

Let me tell you something.

Back in the day, when I was making book...

...I knew who was gonna lose and who was gonna win. I had an instinct.

The losers, I'd deposit their money before the race ran.

Yeah? Yeah.

You, my friend, are money in the bank.

Okay. So now you're saying I'm a loser?

Get the fuck out of here.

Hey, you know...

...I hear you're gonna be a grandpa.

Congratulations. That's exciting.

Just don't be surprised if the kid comes out of the womb...

...with a mic, doing dick jokes. You know what I mean?

See you at the bris. Look around.

There's people everywhere. "Arlene." Why don't you work on that?

Because it really sucked the way you did it.

"Arlene." That's how you do it, schmuck.

Get it right next time. Work on it.

"Arlene. Arlene.

Arlene."

From New York City, RAW TV...

...the game-changer in innovative television...

...brings you Say Uncle, a new experiment in jeopardy...

...starring the king of shock comedians, Jackie Burke.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Say Uncle.

I'm your host, Jackie Burke.

Each week on Say Uncle, we find out if you have what it takes...

...to take the pain and win cash and prizes, or will you say uncle...

...and go home empty-handed, disappointing your family...

...and crushing your dreams?

Our first contestant is Mark Chapel from Brookline, Massachusetts.

How you doing today, Mark?

Hi. Great.

This week, we take you to bayou country where it's man against nature.

Or in this case, Mark against hundreds of pissed-off crawfish.

Look what we have for you, Mark.

A couple of nice ones.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Got you.

These pincers can inflict a lot of pain and damage.

You sure you're up to this, Mark?

Bring it on, Uncle Jackie.

Right now, our two bayou babes, each married to close relatives...

...are helping Mark into a swamp pirogue.

That was my idea.

The crawfish. The crawfish...

...and the bayou babes. That was me.

Don't forget, if you last two minutes with these hungry crawfish...

...you'll win this new hybrid car...

...a Caribbean vacation for you and your entire family...

...and $10,000 in cash!

We got it. Okay.

Are you sure you're ready for the bayou challenge, Mark?

Yes, Uncle Jackie.

Okay. Let's start the clock.

Crawfish, it's dinnertime.

That doesn't look so bad to me. I've stayed in worse motels.

Though I have to say, these bedbugs are on the large size.

Even by New York standards.

Bayou babes, bring in reinforcements.

I thought having crabs was bad.

I'm not as much of a man as you are, Mark. I've gotta hand it to you.

You got a lot of chutzpah and a lot of balls.

I think one bit me.

Oh, first bite. Let's hope those other mudbugs don't catch on.

Twenty-four seconds, Mark.

Hang in there. Hang in there.

Think of the cash, the money, the vacation.

You can do it. You're gonna make it. You're gonna make it.

He's never gonna make it.

You're almost there, Mark. Keep it going. Think of the money.

Uncle! Uncle!

Uncle!

Mark!

Loser!

You're a disappointment, Mark.

You okay? You all right?

It's all right. It's okay. It's okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry. I tried. I really did.

Honey, it's okay. I know.

I'm sorry. We love you. The kids love you.

You suck, Mark!

Say Uncle will be right back.

But for me, I'd rather have Stevie Wonder shave my balls...

...with a fucking butcher knife than be part of this fucking reality show.

This is Jackie Burke saying "uncle," and RAW TV, you can go fuck yourself.

Jackie.

I'm keeping the Safari jacket, in case I ever get booked in Africa.

Jackie.

Sorry.

You know, my kid, he's over 6 feet tall. I hardly ever hear from him.

But all of the stages are beautiful. Yeah.

Oh, that lucky kid.

Hey.

Where's the Florida sunshine?

Hey.

Look at you.

This is a surprise.

Yeah.

You look beautiful.

Really great.

Look, I just wanted to talk to you.

See how you are.

It felt strange after the way we left things.

I was gonna call you, but it was...

It didn't feel good to do that.

So I just decided to come here, and I wanna give you this.

It's a bunch of mementos, family photographs, my family.

In case...

...he or she would want to know things about...

...me.

Of course.

But just so you have it. In case. You never know.

And you do whatever you want.

If you want me to be involved...

...in his or her life, fine.

If you don't, I won't like that, but I'll have to accept it.

Okay.

But I'm there. I want you to know, I'm there for you, for the kid.

That's the most important thing I want you to know.

I care about you a lot. You know that.

Okay.

Take care of yourself.

Let's hope the kid looks like me.


Hey, Jackie. Jackie.

Yeah. Sit.

Sit. Join us.

Do you wanna go on tonight?

Any spot you want, just let me know.

Estee, why are you being so nice to me? There's something wrong.

Your video got more hits than 2 girls, 1 cup. It's fucking viral.

Sit down. Which video? What video?

That Say Uncle thing. Three in a row. You're more viral than Charlie Sheen.

"This is Jackie Burke saying 'uncle,' and RAW TV go fuck yourself."

Fuck yourself. Everyone saw it, man. Everybody.

Six million views and counting.

Six million? But how did they get it out?

It was two months ago.

You got it out?

You finally did something good.

To Jackie. Congratulations, Jackie.

You're back, you mean motherfucker. Fist-bump it.

Where's your drink? This is so weird. Hey, where's my viral video?

Punch me in the face? Miller the Killer.

You... Miller the Killer.

Holy shit!

All right.

Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics.

If you got a handlebar mustache...

...all I wanna hear you talk about is Slinkys and kazoos, and that's it.

You talk about kazoos for a few minutes...

...then you gonna hop on a unicycle and juggle.

You carnival-faced motherfucker.

Are you guys ready for your next comedian? Make some noise.

You guys are a beautiful crowd. We have a surprise guest for tonight.

You might have seen him on RAW TV, snapping and telling them to fuck off.

Please welcome to the stage the great Jackie Burke, everybody.

Jackie Burke.

Yeah, give it up for Hannibal Buress.

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

Thank you. Thank you very much, folks. Thank you. This is really nice.

Last time I heard "Jackie" chanted like that...

...I was bent over in the shower at Nassau County Correctional.

Okay, Jackie. You're finally working at the Comedy Cellar again.

Don't fuck this up.

Don't curse too much.

Don't pull your dick out.

Don't attack anyone physically unless they really, really deserve it.

Well, looks like all my ex-wives were wrong.

The bitches.

Sometimes, it really does pay to be a total asshole.

And if I had known psychotic breakdowns were so entertaining...

...I'd have just been myself all these years.

Oh, you know what? I forgot. I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah.

You don't have to applaud. I know I'm fucking old.

I mean, halfway through pulling out, I fell asleep.

Before my sperm leaves my balls, it has to stop and ask directions.

Boy, you guys are great. It's nice to be in front of a young crowd like this.

Younger than dead.

I should hire you to come to all my gigs.

How much do you pay? I don't know... You? I...

Well, I don't know. I'd give you 10 for a hand-job...

...and an extra 100 if you promise not to wreck it by talking.

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.


You made it.

The plane was delayed. It's okay.

Okay, everyone. Have a seat, have a seat, and take a bow, Amaya.

Okay. Okay. Thank you.

Great. Oh, isn't she cute? Hi, Gary.

Hey, Jackie. We're next.

Our next very, very talented youngster we have is, Miss Ralli Berkowitz.

Come on out, Ralli.

Oh, no. Here we go.

So, what's the deal with chores and allowances?

I turn 8, and my mom says:

"I'll give you $10 a week to make your room...

...wash the dishes and clean the cat's litter box."

Ten dollars? That's slave labor.

I go to our neighbor's house, and I say:

"What will you give me if I make your room...

...wash your dishes and clean your cat's litter box?"

Neighbor says, "I don't have a cat."

So I piss in her hallway and say:

"You go to 15 a week, and I'll supply the pussy."

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

This fucking thing on?

Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay.

Very good. Thank you. Okay, sweetheart. Good. All right.

Okay. Right.

Thanks so much, Ralli.

Right. Thanks, honey.

All right. Wonderful.

And we have...

Did you teach her that?

I would never teach her anything like that.