The Competition (2018) Script

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♪ I'm feeling alive ♪

♪ I'm feeling a rush ♪

♪ So energized ♪

♪ Nothing is standing in my way ♪

♪ I'm feeling the beat ♪

♪ The beat of my heart ♪

♪ I'm feeling a spark ♪

♪ I'm feeling the flame ♪

♪ Lights up the dark ♪

♪ Now I'm shining like the stars ♪

♪ It's something that I crave ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a sugar high ♪

♪ You can start believing if you try ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a roller coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up ♪

♪ And I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I'm feeling the clouds come down to earth ♪

♪ I'm floating around ♪

♪ Laughing so hard that it hurts ♪

♪ It's just one of those perfect days ♪

♪ I'm taking in it ♪

♪ I forget to breathe ♪

♪ It's bursting inside ♪

♪ So much I can't even sleep ♪

♪ I get lost in my own world ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a sugar high ♪

♪ You can't stop me even if you try ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a roller coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up and I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ No one's gonna stop me ♪

♪ No one's gonna let you ♪

♪ 'Cause I feel so alive ♪

♪ So oh oh oh alive ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh... ♪ I never knew you had this kind of wild side, honey.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Absolutely, you're going to be great at this.

Oh, here ya go!

Why aren't you strapped to an instructor?

I'm certified, I jump solo.

Yeah?

OK?

But I'm, I'm not ready!

All right, honey, we have to talk.

What? I'm breaking up with you!

You're what? It's not you it's me!

-What?! -There's an Uber waiting for you when you land!

OK.

♪ Like I'm on a roller coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up ♪

♪ And I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ No one's gonna stop me ♪

♪ No one's gonna let you ♪

♪ 'Cause I... ♪ I liked that one.

Yeah, he seemed nice.

Do you still want to make a jump?

There's another landing field up ahead.

Are you crazy? I could die.


Yeah, I'll be there at 6PM sharp like always.

No. Because there's never anybody I want you to meet, Mom.

Yeah, there still swimming, last I checked.

All right, I'll see you Sunday.

I love you too, bye-bye.

Dinner Sunday at Mom's? Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. You want to come to dinner on Sunday?

Aw thanks, man, I'd love to.

So, what seismic earth shift got your ass off the couch and in to my office today, buddy?

Basketball with the guys.

Oh, yeah.

Man, I can't do it, I got to work.

-Hoops, bro. -I hear ya, I can't do it. Look at this.

Oh, oh, who's the little brunette with the big guy? What did he do, kill her?

An assault. He beat her up?

She kicked his ass, actually. Ha! Yeah?

Yeah, so she caught him having sex with the neighbor.

There was an altercation, and he's suing her for damages.

So, she hired me to make it all go away. She still loves the guy.

She wants him back after he boned the neighbor?

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Sexual impulses are strong, but sometimes, I guess love is stronger.

Is that the Hayworth file?

It sure is.

So, you're handling the arbitration?

Yeah, I gotcha covered.

You bet, you can head home to the kids.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, honey. No, the Adderall is in the green bottle, it's organic.

Yeah. No, honey, it's right next to the...

No!

That's liquid gold!

Nope, that's a goner.

Honey, you're going to have to take some milk out of the freezer. I lost the afternoon load.

Sorry.

It's still warm.

I don't care. Calvin, I need you in my office.

You can close the door behind you.

You like it here don't you, Calvin?

Your work has been outstanding. Partners have noticed.

Yeah. You know, I'm surprised, but you can actually do good work in an oversized law firm with hourly rates higher than gods.

Hmm. How are the women's rights cases going?

Mm. Just fine, great.

Still winning?

I'm undefeated. But you knew that.

Hm. That's good.

It's really good.

Gena, why am I here?

I have a situation that needs handling, and I think you are just the person for the job.

Client? Blogger.

My sister, actually.

Ah-ha. The mysterious sister you never speak of.

She was only 15 when our dad died.

Just a kid, really. She was heartbroken.

And then... I went off to law school...

Well, I'm sure she's fine.

She might look fine from the outside.

She's a successful scientist here in Portland, actually.

She writes formulas for Fortune 500 companies.

What kind of formulas? Various things.

Did you know that there is a formula for happiness?

Yeah, it's called whiskey.

Anyway, that is all a façade.

The real Lauren is a different person altogether.

Look at this.

The Pig Theory.

The point of infidelity and guilt.

Gena, this is kind of awesome.

It's not awesome, it's insane.

Can you imagine the impact she's having on these people's lives?

Not to mention her own mental wellbeing.

They're empowering her.

She's been offered a very lucrative book deal.

And I'm just concerned that if she writes that book, the girl I grew up with will be gone forever.

So, I need you to stop her.

The blog, the book, all of it.

And how exactly am I supposed to do that?

I don't care how you do it.

Use your powers of persuasion.

You're undefeated, right?

Women love you.

Ah...

You want me to mess with this poor girl's head?

No, just... take her to drinks, you know, show her that there are good guys out there.

Guys like you.

I'm sorry, I... I can't do that.

Mm. I had a feeling you'd say that.

So, I have an offer for you.

Do this and I will recommend that you make partner to the board.

Now that's cold, Gena, you know I deserve to make partner.

Yes, you do, and this will guarantee it.

Tucker, Aaronson, Mauldin & Chesney.

Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

OK...

OK. I'll talk to her...

and I'll get her to shut down the blog.

Mm.

I knew you would see things my way.


No, no, you tell him I will make that donation to Popular Science and I don't want any recognition for it.

People need their science, man.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, you OK there? Yeah.

You mind if I take a look?

Can I have my leg back?

Yeah, sorry.

Here, let me help you up.

Here you go. Thanks.

Listen, that could be a nasty sprain.

Why don't I get you some ice.

Maybe a cup of coffee?

You know, I don't know you.

I'm sorry, but why would I get coffee with you?

I'm Calvin.

Thanks.

I'm Lauren, by the way.

Nice to meet you.

What's-what's in the folder there?

Uh, it's my work. I'm a scientist, but mainly I just work on product improvement.

And it's a report on a formula I was developing.

Wow, that sounds serious.

Not so much.

It's the formula for, I don't know, the perfect pizza.

Cheese, crust, and beer.

Basically, right? Yeah.

I mean, there might be a few more factors at play, but...

Such as?

All right, well, so the perfect pizza boils down to that first perfect bite, you know?

But with these larger pizzas, sometimes the crust can get a little soggy, especially in the middle, but you can calculate the perfect ratio between the thickness of the pizza's crust and constant volume of toppings, then you can formulate the perfect bite.

Anyway, our client used the formula to ad nine grams of dough to their pizza, and now some say it's the perfect pizza.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, you know what this means, don't you?

Actually, I really don't.

It means that you have to take me to this place and we need to experience this perfect pizza.

I don't know, I should probably just...

Come on, you have to.

It's the perfect pizza, it can't wait.

OK, OK, you're kind of putting me on the spot here, but all right, let's try the pizza.

Come on, if you can walk, you can eat pizza.

I can hobble down the street a little bit, yeah.

All right, terrific... perfect pizza.

You can't tell a guy about a perfect pizza...

Come on... Do you need this?

-Yeah, thank you. -Are you sure you trust me with this?

Wow, I gotta say, that was a pretty good pizza.

Pretty good. Pretty good.

I don't know if it's the perfect pizza...

Oh, I see. Thank you.

But it's pretty good.

I'll give it to you, it's pretty good.

It's pretty good. OK.

Thank you. I'll take pretty good.

Thank you. Yeah.

Watch that ankle.

It's OK.

Well, thank you for the ice.

Yeah, thank you for the pizza.

It was great to meet you.

Great meeting you, Lauren.

Goodnight.

Hey, Lauren...

Can I see you again?

Maybe.

That's not a no.


Voodoo?

-Thank you. -You're welcome, you're welcome.

That's super sweet. It is super sweet.

It is super sweet. Yeah.

But I do love this place. Yeah, one at a time there.

Oh, mmmm.


Thanks.

Yeah, no, I was really lucky to get this place.

I moved in two years ago. Yeah, it's really nice.

So...

You know, you don't have to leave right away.

You can... stay the night if you want.

OK, um...

I'd like that.

But I can't.

Um, but I thought we were...

I thought we had been... We are.

We are.

And, um... that's why I don't want to take this to the next level until we've been totally honest with each other.

I thought we had been.

I know about your blog, the, um, Pig Theory?

Everything.

Blog? What...

Gena told me...

She's my boss.

Did Gena put you up to this? No, no.

Nobody put me up to anything.

I, I saw a picture of you on her desk and she told me about the blog.

I... I was intrigued.

No. What about all that about donating to Popular Science magazine.

I mean, you were outside my office...

Just an excuse to meet you.

I didn't know you were going to sprain your ankle, but, um, yeah.

I mean, if you read the blog, then why you would want to meet me?

You intrigued me.

You still do.

Hey, come on, this past week has been great, right?

So, um... maybe you show me more.

More of the real you.

OK, you want to see more?

Come up to my office.

OK.

So, as you can see, the blog is... kind of a big deal.

Are these all your followers?

I've got just under two million globally.

I was even thinking about turning the whole thing into a book.

Wow, it's impressive. It is.

And the blog's good, too, I've read it.

But you know what impresses me more?

The fact that you haven't written anything since we met.

Had a full week, not one post.

It gives a guy a little hope.

You know. Hope that maybe the Pig Slayer has met someone?

She's ready to turn over a new leaf and shut all this down?

Shut it down?

What would I tell all these people?

I mean, I'm sorry, but some of them, I've actually changed their lives.

For example, this one.

"I asked my heart to please stop breaking.

I prayed to God for a cure. Then I found the Pig Slayer."

They kind of depend on me. I can't just shut it down.

Sure, you can. What is that?

That there... B minus C, what is all that?

That's my infidelity formula.

That's what the theory is based on.

Your infidelity formula.

Yeah. OK, explain.

OK, OK...

So all of these variables are assigned a value of 1-10, 10 being the highest, and you multiply boredom by the difference between the excitement of someone new and the familiarity of comfort, and you subtract from that the fear of conflict, added with the opportunity to cheat, and that final value, if that's 20 or higher, then that person is gonna cheat.

And as a failsafe, you break up after six months of dating.

Statistically speaking it's not safe to date for longer than that.

And it works?

Well, two million people agree with me.

It's... getting kind of late.

Um, I should feed Ripley and go to bed.

How can you be so sure?

I mean, essentially you are breaking up with these people before they cheat.

Before they have the opportunity to cheat.

Yeah, but what if they never would have at all?

People cheat.

All they need is the opportunity and to know they won't get caught.

That's your theory? Yeah.

Based on a pretty kick-ass formula, yes, that's my theory.

And you won't be convinced otherwise?

That's just how it is

-and how it's going to be, forever? -Yeah.

And what if I offer a way to prove your theory wrong?

I don't see how you'd be able to do that.

Now, hold on, you're a scientist, right?

So, you know that a theory is nothing more than a theory until it's proven.

So have you actually tested this theory?

How could you test it? OK. Well, you said yourself that everybody scores a 20 or higher after six months of dating, correct?

Yeah, correct. So, all we would need to do is find a group of people who have been in a relationship for longer than six months, and give them the opportunity to cheat without getting caught, right?

I suppose...

Now to keep a close watch on our subjects, they would have to be people close to us.

Like my friends, or your friends.

Wait, hold on. I don't understand.

What are you proposing?

I'm suggesting that you and I have a little competition.

A competition? Mm-hmm.

I pick five of my friends who've been in a relationship for longer than six months, and you pick the enchantresses who will be their downfall.

You tempt them, you challenge them, you do your worst.

You pick a situation in which you think gives them the best opportunity to cheat, and we will see if they take the bait.

OK? Best three out of five wins.

OK, if three out of five people cheat, then you have to post on my blog and write a forward to the book about the competition and how it all went down, and admit that, yes, my theory is correct.

OK, but if three out of five resist, then you've got to post admitting you were wrong about the whole thing, and you gotta shut it all down.

And you have to agree to be with me.

Like normal people, no expiration date.

Mm.

If I win, I get my six months with you.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, if I win, you still post, admit defeat, but I get my six months, and then we end it. Agreed?

Agreed.

Goodnight, Lauren.

You're upset.

I'm not upset. Yes, you are.

Your voice always rises like three octaves when you're upset.

I'm not upset.

Now you're transgender.

Oh... First of all, how could you embarrass me like that?

What... You...

You send some guy my way, who doesn't even... and why would he...?

First of all, I know how to find a guy.

Finding them has never been your problem, sweetie.

I don't have any problems!

You know, I really thought he liked me.

He does, you idiot, I mean, why else would he take part in this... what is it, like a competition?

Yeah. You're right. Best three out of five wins.

Oh, I'm so gonna kick his ass.

How exactly is this going to work?

OK, so, we have a list of challengers, right?

And all these people have been in relationships six months or longer, and to prove my theory correct, alls I have to do is... tempt them.

Oh, my God, there's a list.

What do you know about these people?

Everything I need to know.

Simon Walker, OK, so, he's a preppy bartender.

The bartender at Toochies? Right, exactly.

Apparently, he's one of Cal's best friends and he's been engaged for two years.

Now, Cal says, "Oh, he wouldn't possibly cheat."

That's a very long engagement.

Right? Who's that?

Edward Hockett.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're high school sweethearts.

Now we went to a yoga class together, and actually, oh, you know, I hate to do it to her really, but, uh, hey, if Cal's right and my theory is totally wrong, then, hey, I haven't done anything, right?

Right. But you're not going to actually arrange for these people to have sex, are you?

No. OK, so, Cal and I argued about this, right?

And he came up with a good point.

He said, "Well, somebody could always back out, or change their mind, how are you gonna know?"

And I said, "Listen, if the underwear have come out, it's a done deal," so we decided on that.

Underwear is proof.

You're going to steal these people's underwear?

Me? No, no, no. I'm not gonna do that.

Corina's gonna do it.

Who's Corina?

She's a devout follower of the blog.

She's got some very interesting things to say about men.

We have gotten close over the last couple of years.

She... dances. Exotically.

[GenShe's a stripper. Hey, don't be so judgey.

She's a person. Like you or me.

Thank you.

Thank you...

Anyway, I said she could post a victory blog when we win.

Mm. When you win?

Mm-hmm.

Look, I'm a little bit of an expert in human nature, OK? I can't lose.

OK, but what if you do?

Well, if I do, I have to admit defeat.

I have to shut down the blog, which means I lose my followers.

Then I have to postpone the book, because without a blog there is no book.

That's a lot of think about. You must really like him if you're willing to risk so much.

I don't know, I'm going to win.

Also think about it this way.

If I get the city's top female advocate attorney writing on my blog about the competition and what it proves?

That book, that book is worth the mint.

Wait, Sharon Gottlieb she works in our office.

She is happily married, just had a baby.

Corina is definitely not her type.

Yeah, no, I know. He threw that in there. But, you know what? It's fine.

The pig theory applies to men and women alike.

We all can be pigs. That's the whole point.

I mean, you and Mom were a huge inspiration.

Gee, thanks.

So, how are you going to tempt Sharon?

There's a male dancer that works at the Caritas Club.

Oh... He's down to play.

And, God, he's really hot.

Poor Sharon doesn't stand a chance.

OK. And, uh, these last two challengers?

Oh right, Garrett Stuckey.

Yeah, that's, um, that's Cal's fitness instructor.

You know, he's one of these thick, veiny-neck kind of guys.

He's been living with the aerobics instructor for two years.

That seems like an easy one.

Yeah. That's exactly what I think.

But, I don't know, Cal swears he's a man of integrity and honor.

No, he doesn't actually talk like that.

I swear, he does.

I don't know, maybe the competition brought out a whole new Prince Charming thing.

That's precious.

Gena, I've been meaning to ask you.

So, you guys went to law school together, you work with him, you've known him a long time, he's a guy, and you're... you.

You guys never slept together or anything, right?

Of course not!

'Cause that would be gross.

Yes, that would.

Now who is this last challenger?

Yeah.

That's his minister. Married guy.

Minister? That hardly seem fair.

I thought that at first too, but, I don't know, he's a Presbyterian minister, so he never took the oath of celibacy, and I do say that, you know, the theory applies to everyone, so, it is fair.

Still, that seems like kind of a long shot.

Does it, though?

OK but, how can you be sure he's not going to tell all of his friends before just so that he can win?

Uh, yeah, that's a good point.

Well, I guess we'll just have to hope that he's a man of integrity and honor.

Good evening.

Well, it's just a temporary shutdown.

Can't be writing on the blog in the middle of the competition.

Don't want to ruin the secret.

Right, Ripley?

OK...


And... I raise you two dollars.

You are so bluffing.

Kwan, you're not even in the hand.

It's a Tae Kwon Do trick. I can read your body, therefore, your mind.

You took Taw Kwon Do in the third grade.

It never leaves you.

Oh, my God, Kwan. Hey man, my people have suffered a lot.

Did you know in some places you're only allowed to have one kid?

Yeah, but you're hungry again an hour later, all right, let's go.

Boo-yah! King high straight.

OK...

Now, don't feel too bad. I got the brains.

But you, you got the...

I got the looks too.

Didn't even see the flush.

No! Oooh!

Thank you. Thank you.

My doctor says take two of these and call him in the morning.

Cal, tell the guys about your new girlfriend.

The hikes, the long walks in the park.

Yeah, guys, she's, uh, yeah, she's pretty great.

Does she work out, bro? I mean, 'cause you want to keep that ass high and tight, 'cause later she's going to give up and it's going to sag.

She looks like she works out.

How about we hear about what she's like?

Well, she's, uh, cool, and smart and quirky.

A little bit crazy.

Hey, is she a red head?

Come on.

Man, Kimberly has been coming to bed lately in flannels.

It's a clear message.

Black women do not wear flannel.

I'm still being punished from the last time we went fishing.

You should rub her feet.

What?

I'm telling you, Jenny loves it when I rub her feet.

And then I run her calves, and then I rub her knees.

Dude! We get it! Thank you.

So what kind of crazy is she?

Yeah, like, Angelina Jolie crazy or Tilda Swinton crazy?

Who the hell is Tilda Swinton?

Nah, I'd say she's probably the Tilda crazy, but she's got a lot of sweetness too.

I'm telling you, this uh, this girl's a good one.

Well, be nice to her. I like this one.

Oh, thank you, doctor, I plan on it.

Hey, guys. Who the hell is Tilda Swinton?

Jesus, Garrett. Go to a movie. Go see a movie!

You too busy?

"I'm poundin' weights! Uhh!"

Protein, reps.

Ante up, douche.

Just got off the phone with Mom, she's pulling up now.

You know, I don't see what the big deal is.

I mean, she's been dating since Dad died.

Aren't you even a little but curious?

No. What if he's the one?

Gena, she already met the one.

Hello, my darlings.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

Alejandro is parking the car.

Hi, Mom.

Hey, Mom, how have you been?

I love your new... look.

Mama Mia, Bellissimo!

It's Valentino. Giorgio Armani.

BonjournMy darling.

Oh! Sweet.

Guys, this is Alejandro Baraza.

This is my daughter, Gena, and my other daughter, Lauren.

Like dulcet dewdrops dripped from a diamond.

I love it...

I love it! Oh, well!

Oh! Oh. I'm so sorry!

I just must be a... drippy, drippy dewdrop.

It's OK, it's OK...

Let's eat. Hmmm.

Right this way. Thank you.

So, they tell you in class you have to switch partners every week so you can experience different types of dancers.

Alejandro refused to switch.

Of course. Alejandro, if you don't mind me asking, what was a gentleman who's you know, your age, doing at a senior ballroom dance class?

I understand your curiosity, and I will tell you right now.

I work like a dog in my shop.

He's a designer. He makes men's suites.

Has his own label. Yeah.

-Wow. -So, I was thinking to myself and I say, "Alejandro, you're such a great dancer, and your heart is only half full.

This is not the right way to live the life.

You must live the life with the heart full of love, always, right?"

So, I walked into the class, and I was ready with the shaking of my hulo, and sharing the love for the dance, and there she was, like a beautiful ball of sunshine, burning my poor eyes.

Amore mio.

Act your age.

And what does that mean? "Act my age?"

Am I supposed to be at home knitting sweaters? Does Gena act her age?

Or what about you, Lauren? You're 30 years old.

Aren't you supposed to be married by now and giving me grandbabies?

I don't see that happening.

I'm very busy, all right?

Work is always crazy, then there's my blog, and now this book thing...

Well, we can't all be Pig Slayers, Lauren.

How long's that been going on, anyway? And when's that going to stop?

-I'm sure it's just a phase. -At some point the phase becomes a reality.

And the long-ago sanity becomes a phase.

I mean, really, none of us Walden women are exactly traditionalists, but you've taken this too far.

Mom, I'm sorry, but I just don't understand where you're coming from.

I'm just standing up for what I believe in.

You're not standing for anything, you're running.

You're not letting anybody in.

Actually, she has met someone.

Really?

Yes! His name is Calvin Chesney, he is a lawyer at my firm, and they like each other a lot.

Thank God for that!

When can I meet him? Uh, well, you can't.

Why not? Yeah, why not?

It would be so fun if you brought Calvin around to meet the family.

I mean, you and Mom could go on a double date.

Yes, yes.

You should always believe in your life with the heart full of love.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You mentioned that.

I... In that vein, I'm actually gonna head out and go see Calvin right now.

Nice meeting you, and Mom, it's always good to... see you.

What is this? Is it me?

Not at all!

It's Gena's. She loaned it to me for the day.

Thought you might like a ride.

Did she now?

Well, come on, get in, let's drive this puppy!

OK, but I'm driving back. Oh...

Ready? Ready. Let's go.


And I... got your Queen.

What? Oh, no! Yeah.

Damn.

Checkmate!

Yeah, you set me up there, didn't you?

Just a little. A little.

All right. You win.

Whoa! Sorry to interrupt.

That's just gross.

Then again, kind of not sorry.

Why don't they find a room?

It's his house.

What a clown.

Yeah, ass clown.

He's weird. Ah, he's harmless.

Why does he live here, though?

I mean, you could afford this place on your own.

You think?

Nah, I know I could.

Just... That's Jake, you know, he's always been there for me.

We've been friends since grade school and then basketball, I was point guard and he was right wing, all the way through law school he was always there for me.

Quiz me before exams, take me out for beers afterwards.

Even if I always paid. I'm sure you did.

Yeah, just... he's my best friend.

Seems natural to have him around.

At least until I find somebody else to share this place with.

How about you, huh?

Lone wolf.

You like living alone?

I'm not alone.

I have Ripley... and two million followers.

That's right. I forgot about that.

Gosh, where do they all sleep?

Ahh, I keep them in the garage.

Yeah...

Oh, man.

I really like this.

Me and you.

Me too.

Yeah?

Yeah.


I should get to work.

I know... people need their science.

Yes, they do.

Hey, so when do we get started?

With our competition? Yeah.

Now.

Right now?

Yep.

As of now it can happen at any time to anyone on your list.

You know, I still don't think it's fair.

I mean, you know, who all my friends are and I have no idea who you're challenging with.

Oh, you'll know.

See you soon.

How will I know?

Nice car.

[GenYou liked that, did you?

That's one of the perks of becoming partner.

Yeah, about that.

I've been thinking, I can't accept the partnership position if it has anything to do with Lauren.

Really.

Yeah, I want to be partner, and I sure did like driving that car, but I don't want you suggesting me to the board for any another other reason than I'm a great lawyer.

Let's just see how things play out.

From what I can see, everything is going according to plan.

OK, Gena, but so we're clear, I'm not doing this anymore to make partner.

I'm doing this because I like Lauren.

Bye, Calvin.

How long have you and Treasure been together?

I don't know, man, about two years, I guess?

You gonna get married? I don't know, man.

You know, work's been really good and people been throwing an ass ton of money at me just to get into shape, so we could afford it if we needed to.

No, I mean, you love her, right? You want to marry her.

I, I don't know, man.

I mean, I guess I'm gonna have to if I want to keep her. That's how it works, right?

Why are you busting my balls, man?

Did Treasure put you up to this?

No, no, no, I was just curious, that's all.

You guys seem happy.

Don't be a douche.

And so it begins.

Hi. Hello.

Are you Garrett? I am. What can I do for you?

Well, I'm looking for a trainer and the lady at the front desk, she referred me to you.

OK, so what kind of hours are you looking for?

Oh, nothing here.

I actually just bought this really expensive home equipment and I have no idea how to use it.

Sounds dumb, huh? Actually, no, not at all.

You know, most people don't get the full benefit of their workout because they don't know how to use the equipment correctly.

Sometimes they hurt themselves or they hurt other people.

Really? That's a fact.

You know, why don't I give you a free lesson?

Come over here and show me how you bench.

Yeah...

All right, why don't you go ahead, and tight back, stick your chest up, all right, good.

Grab the bar...

Now go ahead and lift up.

There you go, down and back up.

Oh that's great. Chest out, there ya go.

Tight back, bring it up, good.

All right. Chest out a little more.

Oh, that's great. Up. Perfect.

I can work with that.

That is great.

She wants you to go to her place to show her how to use gym equipment, and you're buying that?

Seriously, Cal, come on, man, you know I'm a professional.

This is what I do for a living, all right?

I help clients at their houses all the time. It's what I do.

You need to get your damn mind out of the gutter.

Douche.

Wow.

Oh hey, man.

Sign here.

Thanks.

Have a good day.

Garrett.

They're going to be sending a gaggle of attorneys.

It's an important case, they don't want to screw it up, so expect a big presence.

Do you really think "gaggle" is the best collective term to use for a group of attorneys?

I'd think it'd be something more sinister like "murder."

No, no, the crows have that one.

Do they? Crows. Mm-hmm.

What about "onslaught"?

Onslaught! Ah, yes.

Kids... focus! OK.

Uh, you are going to be staying at the Seattle Weston, get in Thursday night, depo is in the morning.

OK, but when do we get back?

Paul's got plenty of milk, but Maddy's got a soccer game this weekend and she is gonna lose her mind if I'm not there. It's not a problem.

You'll be back Friday night.

I want you to be prepared but don't over-work yourselves.

Take some personal time Thursday night, grab a drink.

I doubt we'll have time for that kind of thing, but dinner might be nice.

Dinner, drinks, on Thursday... OK.

So, that's 32.50 each plus 6.25 for your beer and we can split the tip?

What do you say, six each?

Sounds good. Thank you.

Very precise, this whole thing.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I actually look forward to these business trips.

The crappy bar food, the cheap wine, and this... silence.

Ah, come on, you've got the perfect life, you've got two great kids, happy marriage.

I wish I had that.

No, you don't.

What are you talking about?

It always looks like you and Paul are having such a great time.

That's Facebook, Calvin.

It isn't real.

My children are monsters.

We used to have fun though, back when we had sex.

God, we used to have great sex!

But you can't have sex with a baby on your tit.

No, I imagine you can't.

Physically, it's practically impossible.

It gets in the way.

Unless you hold it off to the side which you can practically do because your boobs get really long!

And there's the term.

And your vagina is never the same.

When they say you can push a bowling ball through there they're not kidding, because it gets ginormous!

And there's stuff flying out of there, stuff you've never seen before.

Some people keep it, some people eat it!

OK! You want to order some coffee here?

Kegels, Please!

I can hardly hold my own pee in!

My vagina is dead.

I have a dead vagina.

That's a lot of talk about your vagina here.

Ease up, Calvin.

Your mother's vagina went through the exact same thing.

Not something I care to discuss either.

God! These are going to burst.

Sorry! Yeah, that one got away from me.

I better pull the plug.

Yeah.

♪ Words can't say what you're doing to me ♪

♪ Give me just a minute, try to understand ♪

♪ I can't control the shake in my hands ♪ Calvin, you'll never guess who I bumped into...

This is Brandon.

Coxx. Dr. Coxx.

Dr. Coxx noticed my breast pump and we got to talking, and it turns out he's a specialist.

He helps women recover who have had multiple births.

Ooh! Have a seat!

So, Dr. Coxx, what are you, like, a plastic surgeon?

Nothing quite so drastic.

I work with the body and the mind.

I help women to rediscover their inner selves so they can get in tune with their bodies and re-awaken their sexual being.

How does it work? Can you do me? Can you fix me?

It's a series of meditations to relax the mind and intimate massage techniques to relax the body.

It gets the blood flowing again in all the right places.

Brings everything back to life.

So, doctor, you seem pretty young.

How old are you?

It's true, I'm young.

I graduated college when I was 16, and completed my medical training overseas.

Europe is where it's at.

Sex is celebrated there at every age.

We Americans have it all wrong.

I'm trying to change that.

A savior of sorts.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I'm staring.

It's just that you have the most beautiful eyes.

I do?

It's just...

Do you mind?

Yes. There she is.

You definitely have the vibrant sexual being in there.

I could help you find it.

OK... This is great stuff, but, uh, Sharon, it's getting late.

We've got that early meeting.

We should probably get your card and head up.

-We've got an early day tomorrow. -Calvin!

We're work colleagues, no!

Why don't we order some more drinks and talk about this some more? I think it's fascinating!

Yeah!

Fascinating!

The mistake that people make with their lovers is forcefulness.

You have to approach these areas tenderly.

You have to gently coax and gently coax some more so that the body reaches for it, desires the touch.

God, that makes so much sense!

Uhh, wow.

Sharon, look at the time, we should probably go!

Yeah, we should.

Can I walk you?

No, no. There's no need, I'll walk her.

Sharon, is this your key card?

Actually, a walk would be nice.

Thank you, Dr. Coxx.

But we have that meeting... in the morning.

Surely there's no time for a walk.

Calvin, I'm a grown woman.

I know when I need a walk.

Shall we? Of course.

Grab my jacket.

Goodnight!

Tucker Aaronson and Walden, may I help you?

Uh, let me transfer you.

Wow, those are some ugly panties.

Yeah, they, uh... for a case.

We are working on the case of the terrible granny panties, so...

Must be a big case!

It is. It is...

Hold all my calls. OK.

Sharon Gottlieb?

You might as well have told me that size really doesn't matter and that the female orgasm is made of rainbows.

Well, I'm sorry that she surprised you, but she didn't surprise me.

It's probably been a long time since a man has looked at her like that, you know?

We gave her a golden opportunity and she took it.

She's clearly a sad woman with a blown-out vagina that needed tending.

I really wish I didn't know that about her.

But it's not everyone. It's not even the majority.

But it is.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

You're wrong about people.

It's not that simple.

Yeah, well, I wish it weren't.

You know, the tragic thing?

That a 220-pound man wears smiley-faced boxers?

OK. OK, what's tragic?

Well, the tragic thing is that if you win, your blog lives on and you get to write your book, but you and I get six months, and then... it's over.

I mean, six months is...

God, that's nothing.

Hey kids, how we doing?

Simon, my man!

We are doing fantastic.

As a matter of fact, we've got some great news.

That loan for the penis extension finally came through?

This guy.

No man, um, Lauren and I are getting married.

Wow, I mean...

Wow, that was quick!

Yeah. I'm not pregnant.

Well then, drinks are on the house.

Hey, thank you, brother.

And listen, I'd love to have the bachelor party right here at Tucci's. Is the back room available for Saturday night?

It's all yours. Awesome! Awesome!

And we'll head back to my place after for some shenanigans?

Yeah, love it.

Huh? Bachelor party, huh?

Shenanigans? Hey, come on, what better opportunity for someone to cheat than a bachelor party?

It's practically in the handbook.

I knew there was a handbook. Uh-huh.

Listen, two of our competitors are going to be there and you only need one to cheat for this competition to be over, so we're going to finish this this weekend.

Finish it?

Well, that's what you want, right?

Your name in lights. Glory, the big win?

Yeah, all right.

Saturday bachelor party, we'll finish it.

Oh, and, uh, listen, I would love some strippers for Saturday.

Do you think Corina knows any of those?

Gee, probably.

I thought so. Resourceful lady, that one.

You have no idea.

So, are you just doing this for the gifts?

'Cause we could use a new Keurig.

Nah, no gifts. Then why?

Women are happy to stay engaged for like, ever!

It's a get out of jail free card, man.

Does Danielle know this?

She doesn't not know it.

Ahh, Jacob, you are an island.

So check this out.

It's the prototype for my new app, Mars Calling Venus.

A guy can ask Venus anything he wants to know, and she'll tell him the truth about what women are really thinking.

So, say for example... sexual partners.

The average woman has had eight lovers, but when polled, 76% said they'd lie and answer four or less.

Naughty, naughty, Venus. Naughty, naughty, Venus.

Is that it?

Well, she gets naked.

And I loaded her with car and sports trivia.

Ed got me a meeting with some suits on Monday.

Ooh, I'm going to be rich!

Did you make her look like Lauren?

What? Yeah, you...

Is that a mole under her left eye?

Dude, you have lost your mind.

This woman has straight up crawled up inside your brain and made you go wonky!

So, party tonight at Tucci's?

I'll wear a suit.

You don't own a suit.

You own a suit.

I own a suit.

I've had a lot of free time.

There's the three rings of marriage, brother.

There's the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then there's the suffer-ring!

Boo!

Boo that man.

Oh, man, I can't believe you're getting married.

You know how long Jenny has been harassing me to pull the trigger?

She wants four kids.

Dang, that's a lot of kids.

That is a lot of kids.

In Korea we have large families of many generations and we all live together under one roof.

You grew up in Napa Valley.

But my people, we... We started...

Your parents own a winery... in Napa!

So, what flipped the switch?

What can I say, fellas? I love her.

I hope so. Drink to that.

Mm. What about you, Ed, do you love Kimberly?

Um, let me see. I married the girl when we were 18 years old, so yeah, I think I love her.

No, that's time, man. I'm talking about love.

Real love, the kind you walk through fire for, you know what I'm saying?

Well, yeah. She's my girl.

Yeah, she is, right?

And she's a good one.

Things have been going great since I started rubbing her feet.

Sometimes she'll even put on her old cheerleading outfit and wear it for me. There you go.

Jenny thinks outfits are silly. Yeah, well, they're not.

My girl looks pretty amazing in that outfit.

Well, that sounds like love to me, man.

Cheerleader love.

Does she still love you?

Damn right, she loves me.

What kind of question is that to ask a man?

-It's just a question. -Yeah, come on, why so defensive?

You boys better get your heads in check.

That woman loves me! She calls me her Eddie Pie.

What?

Whoa, hold on, say that again?

It's not like an edible pie? Like a Tasty Pastry?

OK, Eddie Pie. I mean, it sounds like you're it for her.

Like, you are her White Knight.

Hmm.

Black Knight. I'm her Black Knight.

Yes, you are. Black Knight. Yeah.

No, No!

♪ Happy Birthday, Mr. President ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪ We're jamming.

There you go.

Hey, all I'm saying is you're a lucky man.

That sense of truly finding the one? It's pretty rare.

Yeah.

You call it. Do that.

Maybe four isn't so many.

Now that's a butt load of kids.

Shh. That's a butt load of kids.

That's a butt load of kids.

I love you too, baby.

Maybe when I get home you can... wear that little... outfit for me?

All right.

All right. Bye-bye, baby.

It's noisy in there, huh?

You with all those crazy guys?

Uh, yeah.

It's hot in there, too.

I'm Corina.

Do you have a light?

I don't smoke.

Well, you look smoking to me.

OK, OK... what you doing?

What do you mean, "What am I doing?"

I'm talking to you.

You're doing more than just that.

Maybe I am. Do you have a name?

I got a name.

I just don't know I want you to have it.

Is that so?

My name is Eddie Pie.

I am a Black Knight.

Goodnight, fair lady.

Good for him.

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Very long time ♪ That's better.

Now... tell me where you want it?

I know where I want it. Wait your turn.

It's never my turn.

You want to take a shot? No, I'm trying to quit.

Aww. Well, you don't mind if I take one, do you?

Yeah. Up.

Wait. Whoa...

OK...

OK, now... where do we want it?

I don't.

Oh, you naughty boy.

In the crotch, huh?

That just so happens to be my favorite place to take it.

How'd you know?

All right, now, you have to be very careful, 'cause if you move, it'll spill.

And let me make one thing clear, I am taking that shot, every last drop.

Are we ready, boys?

Yeah. No, no.

Here we go! Ohh! Ohh!

Oh! You naughty boy.

Guess I'm just going to have to clean you all up with my tongue.

Ooh. Oh!

Here's some ice...

I'm really sorry, it was just a reflex.

Would you just make yourself useful and hand me my purse?

I'm leaving.

Thanks.

I didn't want a shot.

Ooh, boy, you really screwed that one up, buddy.

I can understand you not wanting to show everyone Mr. Floppy, but did you really have to knee that poor girl in the face?

It was a reflex, man.

Hey, uh, where's Simon?

And... Mandy?

Where are they?

They went for a walk.

Wait, you let them leave?

Hello? Hello, Lauren?

It's Heather Decker.

I have the update on your book offer.

They like the blog and your story around that, but they caught wind of the competition.

They think that's a better angle.

Caught wind of it? How?

Your sister made a call to the publisher.

Apparently, she's not a fan of your blog.

She's pushing this new angle, and they like it a lot.

Gena is not a fan of the blog.

Why doesn't she just stay out of my life?

Did you hear me, Lauren? They are very interested.

They are offering two million dollars for it.

Two million? Yes.

But you have to win. Otherwise, no deal.

Are you still there?

They want to talk to you on Monday.

They want to get started right away.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Listen, that's... that's an incredible offer, that's amazing.

It's just it takes the whole thing into a completely different direction and I'm not sure that's the book that I want to write.

Let me think about it for a couple of days. OK?

Thanks, Heather.

Hey. How could you do it, man?

Do what? You know what.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Did you sleep with her? Did you have sex with Mandy?

Look, man, I don't know what you're talking about, all right?

I thought you were better than that.

Ah! Get out of there, Cal, stop it! Get off of me!

You're still wearing your underwear.

Yes, of course!

What the hell, Cal!

Well, did... did you sleep with her or not?

Yeah, I slept with her.

Look, we went down to the river and we talked.

After a little while she made a move, but... I didn't want to.

I mean, I wanted to, but... I couldn't do it.

I've never cheated on Jenny, so we just slept.

What are you laughing about?

You, man! You're the man!!

Oh, God, OK, all right!

I knew it, I knew you were one of the good guys, man!

I knew it! OK, that's two.

Come on, baby, yeah. All right, all right.

All right, I believe you. You know...

Of course, we'll never really know what happened out there.

But if Mandy didn't get his underwear, then I guess we'll say nothing happened.

Although, she's quite taken with Simon.

She even wants me to let her know when he's single.

I don't think she's his type.

Yeah? She said he's the first man to ever turn her down. Ever.

Hey, you know where I want to take you when all this is over?

It's not over yet.

I'll take you to Paris.

We can get some striped shirts and live the life of the mimes.

Really horny mimes.

I know it's going to be tough for you to shut down that blog, but, um, you know, maybe you don't have to.

Maybe you could just... turn it into something more positive.

Well, there's one more challenger left.

It could go down either way.

Ah, yes. The good minister Dooley.

Well, I'm sorry, babe, but he's a ringer for the home team.

My man is legit.

There is no way anyone is going to convince him to cheat on his wife. Oh...

People can surprise you.

Mm. Yes, they can.

If there's one thing this competition has taught me it's that.

Well, we've decided to have the last challenge at Corina's house.

I'll text you the address.

Just tell the minister that he should come by around 7 and that you have a friend who needs some guidance.

We're running a conversion con.

A conversion con?

Listen to you.

It's a good thing this is almost over.

You're turning into a regular gangster.

Well, I have a meeting with the publishers on Monday, they want to, you know, discuss the book proposal, details...

Well, either way, you're going to have an interesting story to tell.

Hey, you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night while all this is going down?

You know, we can celebrate... either way, like a couple of good sports.

Wait for the results together?

Yeah.

I'd like that.

Okay.

I talked to Minister Dooley this afternoon and he was all in for bringing in another lost sheep, so... the last competition has begun.

May the best man win.

May the best person win.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello, this is Calvin.

Uh-huh?

Oh, you're kidding?

Yeah, is he all right?

OK, sure. Sure, yeah, thanks for letting me know.

Uh-huh. Bye-bye.

Wow. What happened?

Umm, Minister Dooley is in the hospital.

What? Yeah, apparently, he broke his leg playing hoops today.

Oh, God, well... poor Minister Dooley, but I'm supposed to be meeting with the publisher on Monday... I can't keep pushing them off.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Um. All right. We need a new competitor.

So, um...

Jacob.

I'll send Jacob, it's perfect.

Jacob? Yeah, sure, he's in the dark about all this like we agreed, and he's been engaged to Danielle for over a year, so he fits the bill, right?

I'll just, uh, text him that a friend needs help with her computer and we'll see what happens.

-It could work. -Yeah, yeah, it's going to be good.

It's going to be good. We are still going to end this tonight.

Ah, he's free.

Sweet! OK, let me text him the address and boom.

Done. We're back on, OK?

He's kind of a freak, right?

I mean, you sure you want to use him?

But... he doesn't go for easy women.

Huh, so, you scared?

Right? You're scared.

You're sensing another W for team Calvin.

Don't refer to yourself in the third person.

And don't be a sore loser.

All right? Excuse me, I'm going to restroom.

It's a close one.

Jacob's good. Jacob's good.

Oh, this is bad, bad, bad...

Hey, Simon.

Can you just, uh, tell Calvin that I started feeling really bad and I had to leave and I'll call him later?

Yeah. Great, thanks.


Hey, Simon, man, did you see where Lauren went?

She said she wasn't feeling well and that she'd call you.

What, she just took off? Did she look sick?

She seemed kind of pale, I guess?

Oh, wow, Jacob, hey, come in!

Hey, tech geek to the rescue.

I don't know, you don't look like a geek to me, Jacob.

You OK?

The computer's just in the bedroom upstairs.

O... kay.

So, where's Cal?

Oh... Cal didn't tell you?

Yeah, we broke up last night.

Everything was just moving too fast.

It's OK though. We're still friends.

Really?

So...

this is the one that's giving me trouble.

So, is it running slowly or not at all?

Slowly. But then it freezes and then I have to shut the whole thing off and start over again.

It's-it's infuriating.

It sounds like you just need to clean up your hard drive, maybe run a de-frag.

Let me clean some stuff up here to see if that fixes the problem.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

I'm lucky to have a bonafide computer genius to help me.

Yeah, that's me.

Wow.

What?

Oh, your-your shoulders are really tight.

When was the last time you had a massage?

Oh, my God, I don't know. Never.

Danielle doesn't give you shoulder rubs?

No.

Here, unbutton this, let me get in there.

Oh, God, that feels good.

Oh...


Just need to let the de-frag run a little while.

Takes a bit.

Thanks.

So, you and Calvin are definitely over?

I just want this whole thing to be over.

I'm so confused.

I just... I can't even think straight.

Broke up?

Hey, hey, it's OK.

Everything is OK. I'm here.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm here.

You've, uh, you've been a great friend, Jacob.

Yeah? All right.

I think I understand you pretty well.

Yeah, I always really liked you.

Oh, um... Sorry, sorry.

Just my head really hurts. I need an aspirin.

You're the perfect woman, Lauren.

What? You're the perfect woman.

I created an app that I sold for a ton of money this week and it's all about you. The perfect woman.

I'm going to be rich and now that Calvin is out of the way, I can take care of you like you deserve.

Uhh, I'm not the perfect woman... at all.

You have no idea how messed up I am, actually.

Ohh, I'm so messed up, so maybe we're perfect for each other!

Uh, wait, hold on. What?

I think my phone is... yeah.

Yeah, I did hear it...

Uh, oh... Mom?

Yeah, I'm, um... Lauren?

You don't have to tease me anymore.

I'm already crazy about you.

I knew... I always knew we would be together, I just knew it!

What the hell is going on in here?

Oh, my God, Calvin.

Oh... Nothing, nothing.

Absolutely nothing. Oh my... I'm so sorry.

It was the competition and I was trying to win.

Uh, isn't life really a competition?

Wait...

Dude, you guys broke up!

You're a pig, man! What's wrong with you?

You're supposed to be my best friend.

Ohh! I'm the pig?

Is that how we're gonna play it?

What about you? What about me?

Oh, perfect freakin' undefeated Calvin Chesney never does anything wrong, does he?

Or does he?

Huh, maybe we should ask Gena what she thinks?

Jake, don't.

Gena? What is he talking about?

Don't.

Calvin slept with your sister back in law school.

Oh!

Lauren, Lauren, wait a minute. No.

I didn't...

Why did you do that, man? What's wrong with you?

You should have told her. I didn't sleep with Gena!

Really? Really.

No, no, that summer you guys were all flirty and stuff.

You guys acted like you did!

No, man! We went on a few dates, but we're friends for Christ's sake.

Yeah, yeah, I see what I did there. Sorry, my bad.

Yeah, sorry about your lip.

Lauren! Oh, that hurts.

Lauren! Lauren?

Are you OK? What happened?

Why didn't you tell me the truth?

What? Oh no, no, no, no.

He... Look, he told me as soon as he met you that he didn't want to make partner just for getting you to shut the blog down.

Wh-what? What?

Oh no, no... Oh, that's nothing.

What's your thing? Why did you lie to me about sleeping with Calvin? I didn't sleep with Calvin.

Right, you didn't.

No! I didn't.

I... We went on a couple dates

-in law school. -Then why didn't you say anything?

Because I didn't think you needed to know.

It was a long time ago, it was nothing!

You know, Gena, you're such a slut.

Excuse me?

I enjoy my life the way it is, and I don't need to answer to you, and I didn't sleep with Calvin.

Why would you send me someone you know is so wonderful you know I would fall in love with him?

What, are you-are you trying to hurt me?

I'm sorry.

I knew how wonderful he was.

I knew you'd fall in love with him.

I was just trying to help.

Well, I guess your instincts are about as great as mine.

You know, I came on to Jacob tonight.

What, why?

It was the last challenge and, God, I wanted to win, you know?

And I knew he had a crush on me and I knew he would go for it, and Calvin came in at the... oh, worst moment!

He's not going to forgive me.

Come here. I messed this up so bad.

Come here.


I'm sorry I called you a slut, that was stupid.

That's all right. It takes one to know one.

Guess who got hitched!?

We wanted to call!

But my heart could not wait! But Alejandro insisted.

It was a field with a crescendo of grass for my... beloved...

So, we got... Married!

Mom, really?

Oh, no, what happened?

Oh, you know, Gena and Calvin...

Gena, how could you?

Oh, it was a long time ago, they just didn't tell me.

Really, Gena? Do you have to sleep with every man in Portland? I did not sleep with him!

The thing is, you know, I just...

I really love him.

My heart is, was, so... full.

You know, it takes time to adjust to the fullness.

He's probably really, really hurt.

Yeah, but the thing is, did you intend to hurt him?

No, no. Would you do it again?

No, never. So, that's fine!

He will forgive you.

That's the beautiful fantastic thing about love.

You understand?

Yeah. Well, the thing is, he's been lying to me the whole time.

So...

How can I trust him?

I have an idea.

Lauren, you are going to have to trust me.

Oh... trust you?

Yeah. You're just going to have to do it.

And this, all this needs to be cleaned up, uh, Alejandro will you move the cars outside so they can't be seen? Of course.

And Mom? Help me close these curtains.

And Lauren, you just stay here and stay quiet.

G, what are you up to?

I'm the one who started all this.

Just give me a chance to make it right, please?

OK, do your worst.

OK.

♪ No more fierce blue eyes ♪

♪ No more last goodbyes ♪

♪ No more patronizing ♪

♪ No more alibis ♪

♪ No more do or die ♪

♪ The stakes are in the skies ♪

Please tell me you didn't drive over here like that?

Mm. I took an Uber.

Good boy.

Oh, is that what this is... a work call?

Yeah, I thought we could go over the husband's testimony again, you know, see if there's anything we missed.

I don't feel like working tonight, Gena.

Yeah, I can see that.

I'm glad you called, though.

I need a place to stay.

Of course. You know I'm always here for you.

You want to tell me what happened?

You're really pretty.

You're drunk. Why don't you tell me what happened?

The competition. The last competition.

Your sister thought it would be a kick to challenge my best friend using herself as bait.

Ouch, that must have stung.

Yeah.

Did he go for it?

Yeah, he went for it.

I don't know.

Maybe... maybe Lauren's right about people.

Did she get his underwear?

What? Isn't that a rule?

Yeah, but no, she... she didn't get it.

I interrupted them. Oh.

Well, then I guess, technically, the challenge isn't over yet.

No, no, it's over.

Oh. Well, then cheers to it being over.

Do you think all men are pigs?

I think all men can be and so can all women.

It's a choice we make every day.

What about me? Am I a pig?

I think you can be if you choose.

If I choose.

Exactly.

Aww, you're hurt.

Mm.

Hey, um, you got a glass for this?

I hate drinking from the bottle.

Boo. Oh, hi.

It's really hot in here. I don't think you need this.

OK.

You know, Cal, there is a reason you were so willing to come over here tonight.

-There is? -Yeah, you know it, if you think about it.

If you're honest with yourself.

You and me are like the same person, Cal, and people like Lauren, they have strict rules that control their lives, you know.

They need those rules to feel safe.

And people like us?

We don't have rules.

We just listen to our wants and desires and follow them.

No right or wrong, just instinct.

Shh.

Wait what was that, did you hear something?

There's a TV on upstairs.

Remember that summer we spent together?

Yeah. Remember how good that felt?

Yeah. No strings, just instinct.

No one has to know.

Stop.

Stop right there.

This isn't happening.

What's not happening?

This! Me and you.

Because even if nobody knows that you did a bad thing, it's still a bad thing.

And this, this, Gena, is a very, very bad thing.

You know, you're wrong about me, because I believe in love, I believe in romance.

I believe in the soulful chemistry between two people that just can't be explained.

I believe in bourbon, you know?

I believe in black coffee, strong black coffee.

I believe in getting eight hours of sleep at night, and doing at least one thing to better yourself every day.

I believe the practice of law is fundamentally imperfect, but we do the best we can, and sometimes we do good.

I believe that hook-up websites prey on people's fears of inadequacy, novels are always better than movies, and no formula, scientific or otherwise, can determine with absolute certainty if someone is going to cheat or not!

Yes, I believe in instincts.

But unlike you, I know there is right and wrong, and the wrong thing here is to indulge you in whatever this is, because, A, you're my boss now, and as weirdly hot as that might be, it jeopardizes everything I've worked for and it's also illegal.

B, if it was ever going to work out between us, Gena, it already would have a long time ago.

And C, because you used me for this stupid little scheme of yours.

I met Lauren.

I love her.

OK?

I love her.

She's everything I want in a partner.

She's beautiful, she's smart, she's quirky...

Yes, she's stubborn, but that's because she knows what she wants.

At least, she thinks she does, and I think that's adorable.

She loves pizza and hiking and sleeping in on Sunday.

Her interests are just different enough from mine that we'll always be able to show each other new things.

And I get butterflies when I know I'm about to see her.

And no, she's not perfect.

But she's perfect for me.

And I don't care what I have to do or how long it takes.

I'm going to prove it to her.

You just did.

Congratulations, Cal, you were the last challenger.

You had to be, and you won.

Lauren, hi.

You love me?

With everything I got.

I love you, too.

OK... OK.

So, what do you say we put all this behind us and start again, huh?

No expiration date.

To love!

[Laughter]

He is very excitable. He is.

♪ I can't see the forest, is it green? ♪

♪ Is the ocean blue? ♪

♪ I can't see the sky ♪

♪ Is it orange cream? ♪

♪ All I can see is you ♪

♪ La da da di da da ♪ Hi. Hi, I just, I love the new direction of your blog.

It's so inspiring, the book is amazing.

Life is tough, but love is stronger.

A-men.

Thank you.

It's so great, and I love your new vision.

I really love being a White Knight.

Yeah. It's more of an expanded thought, really, but...

Never mind.

I'm glad you like it, thanks. Thank you.

Hey. Do we have a few more of those back there?

Because they are going fast. Great.

Hello there!

Don't tell me you two read the blog, because that makes no sense. Oh... Mom does.

Hi, Mom!

♪ La da da di da da ♪

♪ La da da di da ♪ OK, you ready?

Let's do this!


♪ You never thought you'd ever move to ♪

♪ Another place in time ♪

♪ If your world's a million colors ♪

♪ Not so black and white ♪

♪ You want a road that takes you higher ♪

♪ Your soul has never been so bright ♪

♪ Green eyes, suitcase, city lights ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll be just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll be just fine ♪

♪ You step out into the ocean ♪

♪ And feel the summer breeze ♪

♪ You hold your part right open ♪

♪ And raise your company ♪

♪ A little lust A little trust ♪

♪ You know that everything is gonna be all right ♪

♪ A little lust A little trust ♪

♪ Just enough ♪

♪ Just enough to make you mine ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you it'll be just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll be just fine ♪

♪ I see you ♪

♪ Standing in the ocean ♪

♪ Just beneath the harbor ♪

♪ Holding on to your... ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you it'll be just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll be just fine ♪

♪ My heart aches for you ♪

♪ And only ♪

♪ My heart aches for you ♪

♪ And only ♪