The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes (1969) Script

[Up-tempo music plays]

(music) The computer wore tennis shoes (music)

(music) And a twinkle in his eye (music)

(music) Never met a groovier dude, an electric kind of guy (music)

(music) A socket shock (music)

(music) And suddenly socked him into a real cerebral high (music)

(music) Growing his mind into the kind (music)

(music) That leaves old Einstein wigging out behind (music)

(music) The computer wore tennis shoes (music)

(music) And a smile upon his face (music)

(music) Turnin' on every chick in town at a cosmothropic pace (music)

(music) A guy that crazed and amazed and otherwise dazed (music)

(music) The whole darn human race (music)

(music) Makin' the news, payin' his dues (music)

(music) That turned-on, uptight, flat out-of-sight (music)

(music) Totally together computer in tennis shoes (music)

(music) A guy that crazed and amazed and otherwise dazed (music)

(music) The whole darn human race (music)

(music) Makin' the news, payin' his dues (music)

(music) That turned-on, uptight, flat out-of-sight (music)

(music) Totally together computer in tennis shoes (music)

(music) Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo (music)

(music) Baa, baa, baa, baa (music)

(music) Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo (music)

(music) Baa, ba-ba-ba-ba, baa, baa (music)

Professor Quigley, I'm sure that we all appreciate your interest in progress, but a computer.

Well, that is a luxury that we just cannot afford.

Dean Higgins, today, a computer can hardly be considered a luxury.

Oh, very well.

Then it is a necessity that we just cannot afford.

Now, unfortunately, Medfield has quite a long list of necessities, and a computer just does not have a very high priority on that list.

Now, it's not that I'm old-fashioned.

You all know that I have an open ear for progress, and we do all that we can.

Why, when Mrs. Ferguson wanted live frogs for her biology lab, we went to the expense of live frogs.

Just last month, we purchased brand-new Bunsen burners for our chemistry class.

We're not dragging our feet, Quigley.

Why, I just put an order in today for two garbage disposals and an electric dishwasher Anything yet, Bradley? For our cafeteria.

Not on us. Talk about modernization.

Quig's still fighting the battle of the computer. And it's expensive, too.

How's he doing?

Yeah, that figures.

Aw, Higgins is weaseling out again.

What's he pulling this time?

Ah, he's got a new one.

Hi, Dex. He says he's spending too much money for frogs and Bunsen burners and garbage disposals.

Thanks.

Quigley, you talk about $ 10, 000 as though it were 10 cents.

You just don't understand the problem.

Do you know what the telephone bill alone is here every month?

Take State.

I don't want to hear about State.

Yeah, but do you realize that they give an entire course in computer technology?

Now, I don't like to draw comparisons, gentlemen, but if we want to keep abreast of the times and raise our academic average, [Gavel bangs] We have got to modernize.

Modernization isn't everything.

Uh, huh...

Yes, uh, Regent Deeds. Thank you very much.

That's... that's well-put.

[Clears throat]

Gentlemen, I, uh, I wouldn't like this to get any further than this room, but frankly, we are down to the nitty-gritty on our budget.

The building program is bogged down.

The bankers in this town won't even answer my phone calls.

Why, we raffled off everything on the campus but the women's gym.

I tell you, gentlemen, it is tough to be the dean of a college today.

It's tough, tough, tough.

Unrest.

Everywhere you look, unrest.

Now, I wonder who's behind that.

Hmm.

Oh, uh, that part about the unrest, that's, uh, that's off the record, Mrs. Winifred.

[Clears throat]

So, Quigley, I'm sorry, but I'm certain that you understand our problem.

That's it. They killed him.

Now, for the next item on the agenda...

Us?

Deadwood.

Us.

Well-put, Dean.

An apt title for the ne'er-do-wells who ought to be expunged from this...

Leonard...

The not-so-gifted students' needs are just as great as those of the gifted ones.

Quigley, this is a competitive educational institution.

All right, gentlemen, all right.

Now, um, Quigley, we do have certain ne'er-do-wells that must be seen to.

Therefore, I'm suggesting that the following students be placed on probation...

Quigley: Probation is no substitute for catching the interest of the student, for firing his imagination.

Yeah. Come on, Quig. Thattaboy.

Higgins: Timothy Balsen, John Colligan, Roger Demney, Henry Fathinger, Eeeeehh! ...Myles Harris, Adam Jervins, Keith Richards, Dexter Reilly...

Ugh! They got me!

Dexter, it's not funny.

...Robert Ross, Sliver Roth.

Sliver?

A man with a name like that has no business in a college.

Arnold Sandy, Stanley Tyler...

He missed me. He went through all the S's.

Hey, that's right. Nice going.

Dexter: What about Schuyler?

Hmm?

Oh, yes, of course. Richard Schuyler.

Put him on there. Richard Schuyler.

[Laughter]

Thanks a lot.

He's sick.

No, it's just plain hate. That man's all hate.

You know, Quig really cares, but the guy can't even reason with him.

Well, how can you reason with a guy who lives in the Dark Ages?

Hey, wouldn't it be terrific if we swing it for old Quig?

Well, swing what?

The computer.

Hey, yeah.

It'd drive Higgins right over the edge.

You guys must be dreaming.

The guy who's selling it wants 10 grand.

Who is that, Bradley?

A.J. Arno.

That big shot, uh, who runs the A.J. Arno investment company, huh?

Well, he's not such a big shot.

I mean, I think if we went down there and talked to him, we could get him to donate it to the college.

Aw, man, listen, I'll lay you any kind of bet we couldn't even get in there to see A.J. Arno.

Well, I don't know about that. I used to work for him.

Dexter, you just cleaned up at night.

Arno wouldn't even remember you.

What do you mean he wouldn't remember me?

Well, I always used to bump into him in the elevator and halls and stuff.

And he always said hello... kind of.

You know, that's not too bad an idea.

You know, big firms... they're always donating things to universities.

No. No trouble at all, Wexler.

I'm glad you boys dropped by.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I, uh, I'd love to donate the computer to Medfield.

I mean, I love that school.

I love the football team, the track team, the golf team.

It's a wonderful place, but, uh, well, uh, I already give them $20,000 a year.

Gee, Mr. Arno, we didn't realize that you'd already donated.

Well, believe me, if I didn't give them all that money, I'd be glad to donate the computer.

But honestly, uh, nobody could expect me to do both, now, could they?

No. No. No.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I can work something out.

Look, just give me a little time, huh?

Sure.

You know, I like you kids.

I like your spunk. I like your get-up-and-go.

I like the idea of a student delegation coming to see me.

Makes me feel good... up here.

Bye. Thanks.

Goodbye. Goodbye, boys. Good to see you.

Thanks a lot for giving us your time, Mr. Arno.

Well, A.J. Arno never forgets an old employee.

You just come back any time, Lester.

Um, it's... it's Dexter.

Ah, yes, Dexter. [Chuckles]

[Click]

O'Brien...

Ready with yesterday's stuff?

Yeah, just about, sir.

Well, run it. All right.

[Beeping]

Hey, they did pretty good with the horses.

750 isn't bad.

That crap table figure okay?

525. That's real good for The Palace.

Looks like a real good day for Applejack.

Yeah, real good.

Incidentally, don't send that 20 grand to Medfield.

Don't? But you made that pledge.

Don't you think...

Don't worry about it. It's all taken care of.

Now, 102 goes right over there.

And, uh, 149 also over there.

146, right.

Okay. Right this way now, Baxter.

Easy through the door, you guys. Easy.

That's it. Right in there.

Now, what do we have here? Number 125.

Okay, boys, right over there.

Right. Let's go.

Easy now. Take it easy.

What a slave driver.

Yeah, if he'd been in charge of that Russian 5-year plan, they'd have made it.

You know, it's a great idea doing something for the school, but next time let's do something easy, like hijacking a Cuban airliner.

Yeah.

Okay, boys, now we need number 126.

Professor, can we just take a few seconds off?

My back's killing me.

Oh, sure. Take as much time as you want.

Uh, Dexter, there's a box of tools in the back of my car.

Would you get that for me, please?

Sure. Right away, professor.

Good.

Dean Higgins. Good morning, Dean. Good morning, Dean.

Hi, Deano.

Oh, hello, there, Dean Higgins.

Nice of you to visit us.

Of course, we're not really set up here yet, but very soon. Heh heh.

"Dear Dean Higgins, first of all, "I would like to congratulate you on your splendid student delegation."

Well, that's wonderful.

I see. [Clears throat]

Uh...

[Mumbling]

"And you will understand

"that since we have made such a valuable donation, "we must withhold our yearly cash contribution.

Yours in the interest of higher education, A.J. Arno."

Well, this... this is a dreadful mistake, sir.

You can say that again.

And I'm gonna tell you this much, Quigley... in the future, I'm gonna be watching them.

But you can't blame the boys, sir.

Why, i-it's Mr. Arno who's acted in bad faith.

Oh, good faith, bad faith, who cares?

They've cost this school $20,000.

Well, not altogether, Dean.

We still have the computer.

Oh, shut up! Higher education.

Hey, pretty great about the computer, huh?

You know, I don't like to brag, but if it hadn't been for the fact that I used to work there...

Him I'm gonna watch most of all.

Well, what's he gonna be watching me for?

The elements of a computer are input, memory, control, arithmetic and logic, and output.

And I think we can see, demonstrated from these charts, that man has done a rather admirable job of imitating the human brain.

And, uh, even though it's an imitation, in many ways, the machine we've developed can operate more efficiently than we can ourselves.

Now, in the past couple of weeks, I've been, uh, working on a small experiment, uh, which is intended to show how we can be replaced by a computer.

Hey... this may be a way of getting rid of Dean Higgins.

We live in hope, Dexter.

[Laughter]

[Clears throat] Now, let's suppose that your parents are going away for the weekend, and they leave you the following instructions...

"If it's raining tomorrow morning when you wake up, "you are to close the windows, "open the door and let the cat in, phone the grocer and have him send over the following list of groceries."

All right?

Well, you wake up in the morning, and it is raining.

And being the conscientious and reliable young people I know you to be, you promptly forget to do it.

[Chuckles]

Now, well, actually, I'm sure you would do it, but let's see if a computer could also do it.

[Beeping]

Now, this is a rain gauge, and it's, uh, sitting on a roof of a building.

Now, when the water falls into this gauge, it sends a signal to the logic unit of the computer, which immediately notifies the memory bank of the computer to seek out its instructions for a rainy day.

The memory bank, in turn, activates the electronic circuits, the window closes, the door opens... hopefully the cat comes in... and the automatic telephone goes into action, right?

Well, let's see.

[Beeping]

The rain... falls.

[Bangs]

Computerized male voice: This is s recording.

Please deliver the following groceries to 445 Annex Street... one pound of bacon, two dozen eggs, 4 quarts of milk.

Hmm. Well, I... that's enough of that.

[Light laughter]

Uh, thank you. Thank you.

Well, so much for the speed of the computer.

Now, another very important feature is its infallible memory.

Before this computer was owned by the A.J. Arno Company, it used to be employed by the Space Research Center at the Pacific Institute of Technology.

And they were kind enough to send us this magnetic tape, which will call forth from the computer solutions to a series of problems that would occur on a simulated flight to the planet Saturn.

Now, mind you, it was 20 years ago that this program was operational.

20 years.

Well...

If you'll watch the center panel, please.

[Beeping continues]

[Banging]

[Electricity crackling]

[Laughter]

Hey, Quig.

Hey. [Applause]

Well, it [Sighs] seems like our flight to Saturn will be a little delayed.

Higgins: [Clears throat] Your attention, please.

This is Dean Higgins.

Now, the State General Collegiate Classification tests will be held tomorrow at 11:00.

Now, as many of you know, we came in 36th last year.

And, now, I think we could get out there and improve upon that position.

[Chuckles] Thank you.

36th?

Gee.

You know, Dexter, there are only 37 colleges in the state.

Gee, I wonder who we beat.

I don't know.

What happened, professor?

Oh, it's a part in the logic activator unit.

It, uh, should be replaced, but I can't get over to Capital Electronics today.

Well, listen, I'll get it for you.

Oh, I wouldn't expect you to go all the way over there, Dexter.

That's 70 miles away.

Oh, that's okay. I've got nothing to do.

You have nothing to do?

Didn't you just hear?

That classification test is coming up tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, but I know all that stuff.

Cars and buses going from place to place.

Car "A" goes 70 miles an hour. Car "B" goes 60.

One guy stops for lunch for 20 minutes.

And who gets to Chicago first? I got it all, prof.

Yes, I'm sure you do have it all, Dexter, but if I were you, I would look it over again this afternoon.

Aw, honest, professor. It wouldn't do any good.

I'm up to here with it. Let me go to Marshfield.

Believe me, the drive and fresh air will do me good.

It'll give my brain a chance to ventilate.

It couldn't be "A."

It couldn't be "A."

The answer to the last two questions was "A."

[Thunder rumbling] Would never have three A's in a row.

It's gotta be "B" or "C."

I haven't seen a "C" for a long time.

It's gotta be "C" then.

[Sighs] Got to be "C."

[Squeaking]

"A"?! That's three A's in a row. That's impossible.

[Sighs]

How do they ever expect anybody to figure this out?

[Thunder crashes]


[Wind howling]

[Thunder crashes]

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Door closes]

[Click]

[Thunder crashes]

[Thunder crashes]

[Electricity crackling, computer beeping]

[Whirring]

[Explodes]

[Whirring and beeping slow to a halt]

[As computerized voice] 3 at 8-02-30.

[Beeping]

Applejack Rainbow Lodge 4378, animals 750, tables 480, amusements 624.

[Beeping]

Applejack Pompey Palace, Dexter? Dexter?! 4379...

[Normal voice] Huh?

Dexter, are you okay?

Yeah.

Did you wake me up to ask me if I was okay?

Nah, you were beeping.

Burping?

No, beeping.

Oh, that's good.

[Sighs]

[Thunder crashes]

Hey, Dexter... Uh...

What'd you do to the computer anyway?

W... nothing. I just tried to put in that part, and I got this terrific shock.

Well, there must be a short in it somewhere.

Yeah, there sure is.

I had to call in these computer people.

They can't get a spark out of it.

Well [Sighs] I'm sorry, professor.

Well...

Sorry I'm late, prof.

Yeah. Well, move along, boys. Move along.

[Clears throat]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is a speed test.

And that means if you have trouble with any question, skip it and move on to the next one because you'll be graded on the total number of questions you answer correctly.

Is that clear?

All right.

You may begin.

Dexter, come on. Start the test.

[Chair squeaks]

[Beeping]

[Laughs]

Shh.

[Beeping]

[Page turns]

[Page turns]

[Page turns]

[Beeping]

[Page turns]

[Beeping, page turns]

[Booklet slams shut]

Shh.

Funny guy.

[Pounding]

[Pounding]

Shh.

[Sighs]

Dexter, cut it out.

[Coughs]

[Chair creaking]

[Clears throat deliberately]

[Creaking stops]

[Bag rustling]

Shh!

[Rustling continues]

[Crunching]


I tell you, Quigley, he cheated.

I tell you, Quigley, he cheated.

It's just as simple as that.

Spending $20 for a doctor. That's ridiculous.

He didn't cheat, Dean Higgins.

Something has happened to Dexter.

Now, we usually allow an hour and a half for that test.

And since I've been at this school, nobody's ever finished it.

Dexter finished it in 41/2 minutes, and he didn't make a mistake.

Man: Professor Quigley?

Yes.


[Clicking]

[Switches clicking]

[Sighs]

[Knobs turning]

[Steady buzzing]

[Beeping]

[High-pitched whistle]

Dexter: I can't go on TV! I don't even want to go on TV!

Listen, at this rate, you're gonna faint in front of all those people.

Dexter, it isn't that easy. Things aren't the same.

You have a responsibility now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, Dexter, it's almost like playing a game.

Now, I know the first few minutes are gonna be tough.

But, listen, after you answer a few questions, you're gonna get your confidence.

Don't worry about it, man.

And the thing to remember is that you're smarter than all those people.

That's right. That's right.

I am?

That doesn't make any sense.

[Indistinct conversations]

There are going to be 37 million viewers, Quigley.

I tell you, he'd better come through.

No question.

Oh, Mayor Collins. Nice to see you, Mayor.

Take a seat right down front, Mayor.

Ha! It's the mayor.

I tell you, Quigley, Medfield has really brought out the fat cats tonight. Ha!

Mayor Collins and there's Councilman Cooper over there and Supervisor Straight and there's, uh, oh, he's not anything.

Oh, there's Dean Collingsgood in the booth.

Hello, Dean! Ha ha!

Dean Coll... what's he doing here?

Well, it's perfectly natural for a dean of the state university to be here.

Well, I don't like it.

Every time I see him, I have to hear about his building program.

Building, building, building.

It's enough to make you sick.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hello, Eugene. Hello. Dean, nice of you to come.

Say, what about that boy wonder of yours?

I've been hearing great things.

Well, you know, at Medfield, the scholastic...

Nice to see you.

I would have gotten over here sooner, but I've been tied up planning our new science building.

Building, building, build...

You know, Quigley, sometimes I think I should have taken up contracting instead of education. [Chuckles]

Say, Eugene, I was talking to some of our faculty today, and we thought it might be a good idea if we had a sort of a Dexter Reilly rally at State.

So many of our teachers want to meet him...

No. I-I mean, he's all booked up.

Uh-huh. Well, we can work something out.

Man: 30 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, I'd better take my seat.

I've been invited to sit in the control room.

[Chuckles] In the control room.

I tell you, he's trying to steal that boy away from us.

Oh, you're exaggerating a little, Dean Higgins. I'm sure of it.

You don't understand him, Quigley. The man is greedy.

He's up to his throat in state money, and still he's greedy.

[Dramatic music plays]

[Applause]

On behalf of the major networks, I would like to extend thanks to our learned panel who has come here tonight from all parts of our land in the interests of science and education.

[Applause]

And, of course, special thanks to the one who is the reason we are gathered here... the wizard of Medfield College... Dexter Reilly.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Each of our learned guests will be allowed 3 questions.

Our first questions will be from Dr. Rufus Schmidt, head of the Department of Higher Mathematics at Purdue University.

Dr. Schmidt.

Thank you.

Mr. Reilly, you're acquainted with the mathematical subject of calculus?

Well, I...

[Feedback]

[Feedback stops]

I, uh, I guess I am.

I kind of looked at the text this morning.

I see.

Mr. Reilly, using the fundamental theorem of advanced calculus, and applying the formula that the square of a distance from the origin to "P" is equal to "X" squared plus "Y" squared plus "Z" squared.

Now, could you tell us the point of the plane where X + 4, Y-1, Z =26?

[Beeping] The point is where "X" is equal to 3, "Y" is equal to 4, and "Z" is equal to -1.

The answer's quite right.

[Applause]

You see? He's getting his confidence.

I told you.

Your next question, Dr. Schmidt.

Mr. Reilly, my next question is an exercise in mental gymnastics.

Could you please tell us what 13 to the 9th power would be and then give us the square root of that product?

13 to the 9th power would be

[Beeping] 10,604,499,373.

The square root of that product would be...

102,978. 14997852.

I'm afraid that's quite correct.

Hey.

Man: Congratulations, Mr. Reilly.

I must say, that was really something.

Yes, I suppose it was, but wouldn't it speed things up a bit if we could save the applause till the end?

We've wasted 38 seconds on it already.

Yes, uh, I'm sure the audience would be glad to comply.

Good.

Your third question, Dr. Schmidt.

Mr. Reilly... assuming that the population of the United States increases on a geometric progression...

Dexter: Gentlemen, please.

This is our third question in mathematics.

I hope you're aware that I'm perfectly equipped to go into other fields.

Of course.

Uh, perhaps now we could hear from, uh, Dr. Seigel, professor of foreign languages at Lansing University.

Getting his confidence is one thing, but this is ridiculous.

I liked him better the way he was.

Msn on TV: We're awaiting the arrival of the phenomenal Dexter Reilly.

Msn on TV: We're awaiting the arrival of the phenomenal Dexter Reilly.

It promises to be exciting, so stay with us as our cameras follow Dexter Reilly on his journey through Gotham.

There's been s buzz of excitement around the big city this past week, Ladies and gentlemen.

Everywhere you go, you hear the same question... is Dexter Reilly for real?

Now the landing platform is in position, the door is open.

Should be any second now.

And there he is! [Crowd cheers]

Wow. Whoo-hoo.

He's out of sight. He sure is.

Well...

Now, uh...

Uh, Mr. Reilly's being greeted by two young Ladies who came all the way from Yonkers just to greet him.

This is Priscilla Cummings...

Queen of the Yonkers Botanical Society, and her lady-in-waiting... That dirty rat!

I always knew if he had any brains, he'd be dangerous.

Hey, Annie, wait a second. Just a second.

Look, I know Dexter's acting kind of weird, but it's kind of understandable.

I mean, all of a sudden, like, he's the smartest guy in the whole world, and everybody's catering to him.

Well, you're telling me.

[Cheers and applause]

[Marching band plays "Anchors Aweigh"]

Look at that crowd, Quigley.

What a boon for the college.

But, you know, w-we weren't thinking, Quigley.

Why couldn't the boy have been carrying a Medfield pennant?

Don't you think that would have been pushing it a little, sir?

[Intercom buzzes]

[Click] Yes?

Winifred: Mr. Clodshoe is here.

Clodshoe? From Universal Encyclopedias.

Oh, tell him we already have a set. [Click]

Salesmen. That's all we need.

We can't pay for what we have now.

He's no salesman, sir.

He's the president of Universal Encyclopedia.

I don't... the president?

Sure. You know, they're the people who sponsor the "College Knowledge" program.

The quiz program where they ask the questions from the encyclopedia, and they give away $ 100,000?

What have I done, Quigley?

Oh.

Mr. Clodshoe, it's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

It's a real pleasure.

Thank you. Who are you?

Who am... Ha ha ha! That's good.

I like that. Who am I?

And I like that set of encyclopedias of yours.

I like it... remarkable set. Remarkable.

Msn on TV: Displaying again his remarkable intellectual prowess, Dexter Reilly was able to converse with each delegate to the U.N. In his own tongue.

Speaking in French, the official language of the U.N., Dexter Reilly has informed the international group that he must now go inside.

They're waiting for him in the Security Council.

Earlier today, Dr. Suzuki of the International School of Languages stated that with s computer-type brain such as Dexter Reilly has, he'll soon be able to master every Language the world has ever known.

I think he's given s good indication of that today.

Professor Mertins, we need that boy.

He can wrap up that "College Knowledge" program for us.

Should be a simple matter to get him transferred to State.

We have so much more to offer.

Of course, but we can't take any chances.

See if you can get Coach Parsons in here.

Then we'll send off a wire to Dexter Reilly.

Parsons? The football coach?

This is a problem of recruitment.

I need the best advice I can get.

Msn on TV: [Whispering] Ladies and gentlemen, Dexter Reilly is now at the Long Street Jewelry Salon, where he's been invited to observe the cutting of the Calcutta Blue.

I, uh, I hate to disturb you, sir.

Uhh, just a minute, Quigley. This is exciting.

And I wish that announcer would raise his voice.

You'd think Arnold Palmer was putting.

Now, Sigmund Van Dyke, the world's foremost diamond cutter, is in charge of the operation.

[Pops] Tremendous.

Well, t-this is rather important, sir.

It's about the "College Knowledge" program.

That's no problem.

Dexter will chew up those encyclopedias.

We'll beat every team in the state.

It seems that Mr. Van Dyke is explaining the operation to the boy wonder.

Only maybe we don't have Dexter.

What?

He hasn't registered for the spring semester.

We've gotta do something! We need that boy!

Winifred, get out Dexter's itinerary!

Find out when his plane arrives!

Quigley, how could you let this happen?!

The first operation of cutting the diamond in two exact halves is the most important.

I think Mr. Van Dyke has now made s decision.

Wait a minute!

I beg you... I beg your pardon.

It seems there's an area of disagreement as to where the diamond should be cut.

Keep that kid away from me.

Wh-iii-pppp!

[Sighs deeply]

[Shudders]

[Metal clinks]

[Shouts in native language indistinctly]

Yeah, Mr. Arno, but I'm kind of busy right now.

Mr. Arno: Well, I hated to interrupt you, but I've got some good news.

Oh?

I think I've found a spot for you in my organization.

13... 12... Well, gee, I really hadn't given much thought

11... 10... to what I'm gonna do.

9... 8... I tell you what, I'll pick you up at the airport.

We'll have a nice, relaxing afternoon, 4... 3... then maybe talk a little business.

How's that? Hmm?

2... 1... That sounds fine. Just a minute.

0. [Fire whooshes]

[Engines roar]

Pardon us, boys. Pardon us.

What's happening, please? Come on, you guys.

[Cheers and applause]

Hello, professor, how are you?

Welcome home, boy. Dean Higgins. How are you?

Let me get this.

I know you've been very busy, son, and it's probably just an oversight, but you haven't registered for the second quarter.

Now, if you can stop by the school, I'm sure that we could take care of that.

Well, you see, Dean, there is a problem.

A problem?

Yes, I don't know whether I want to enroll at Medfield for the second quarter.

Well, w-where else would you possibly go?

Well, don't get me wrong. Uh, it's not that, uh, I don't like Medfield.

I like it. I like the guys and the teachers and I even like you.

There's Mr. Arno. Excuse me.

He likes me. Isn't that wonderful?

Dexter! Hi!

What's happening? What's happening?

Whoo!

Dexter?

Where are you going in such a hurry?

Yeah.

Mr. Arno wants to see me this afternoon.

Well, so do we.

Yeah, man.

Everybody's been waiting for you to come home.

We're going to the lake this afternoon.

Annie, are you kidding?

Mr. Arno's a very important man in this town.

I just can't turn my back on him.

Well, Dexter, he'll understand.

Yeah, come on, Dex.

And look, I'd like you to come, too.

I'm sorry, Annie.

Mr. Arno arranged for this meeting yesterday.

I'll see you later, guys. I gotta go.

[Engine turns over]

What's with him?

I don't know, Pete.

But I think if we're going to have anything to do with Dexter anymore, we'll have to make an appointment.

[Scoffs] Yeah.

[Trumpet plays fanfare]

Little champagne, Dexter?

Best there is. $34 a bottle.

No, thanks. Uh, not right now.

Ah, healthy. Ha ha ha! I like that.

Well, who do you like in the first race, kid?

Well, according to all the information, it should be the number 8 horse, Market Doodle.

Market Doodle?! Ha! Boss, that horse is a pig.

It ain't got a chance in this race.

Well, it's just a matter of analyzing all the information... the weight, distance, past performance.

And Market Doodle does figure out to be the best horse.

Bet $200 on Market Doodle.

Boss, how can you listen to this kid?

He don't know nothin' about horses.

I have been listening to you for years.

Do as I tell you.

Okay. Sweetheart...

I don't know. I think you're flipping.

$200, Market Doodle, the number 8 horse.

Announcer: Flag is up.

[Bell rings]

And there they go. Market Doodle comes slowly.

French Suzie is going to best First Orbit, second, Cottontop, third on the outside, Maladjusted, fourth, Nobody's Baby, Clean Clem, Rare Addition, then... Snoopy's Pal and Market Doodle.

Down the backstretch, it's First Orbit in front, between horses, by s head.

Cottontop is second on the rail, by s neck, French Suzie, third, by s length, Nobody's Baby is fourth, and Market Doodle is far back.

Around the far turn, it's Maladjusted in front on the inside by s head.

French Suzie is second by s neck.

First Orbit, third. Cottontop is fourth.

Nobody's Baby and Clean Clem turning for home.

It's First Orbit in front on the inside by s head.

Cottontop is second by two lengths.

French Suzie, third, Maladjusted, fourth, and Market Doodle is closing much ground on the outside.

Come on, boy!

It's French Suzie in front on the outside by s head.

First Orbit is second by s half-length.

Cottontop, third by s length. Maladjusted is fourth.

And here comes Market Doodle in the middle of the track.

French Suzie in front, Come on! Come on!

First Orbit is second, Cottontop, third.

And Market Doodle flying on the outside.

French Suzie... Come! Come on!

Market Doodle moving up on the outside.

Here comes Market Doodle.

Come on, boy! Come on!

French Suzie and Market Doodle...

And Market Doodle is the winner by s nose.

Hey! Ha ha ha! [Crowd cheers]

Hey, honey, cash 'em in. Cash 'em in.

Ha ha ha ha!

Uh, you bum.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

16... 18... 20...

22... 24... 26... $28,000.

I never seen anyone win that much money all at once, straight.

Yeah, not a bad afternoon.

Well, I gotta split.

I got a chamber meeting tonight.

Chillie will take you to dinner.

Take him down to Garibaldis.

They got good pizza there.

Hi, there. Hey, Tom.

Here, you drive, kid. I'm right over here.

Hey, thanks.

[Vehicle approaches]

Oh, Dexter, can I have a word with you?

Uh, we are in a hurry, Dean.

[Engine turns over]

It's very important. It's about your enrollment.

I brought the short form. I think this will be an ideal time to discuss it.

I'm sorry, Dean, but I'm afraid we'll have to talk about it some other time, okay?

Well, I really think we should talk about it tonight.

[Crash] Sorry.

Is that all right with you?

Impossible.

You haven't been talking to Dean Collingsgood, have you?

Not yet. Wh...

Not yet?

[Crickets chirping]

[Engine turns over]

[Engine turns over]

[Up-tempo jazz music plays]


[Indistinct conversations]

What are you doing here?

Well, uh, I-I'm absolutely f... I'm fl...

Isn't this Professor Stanley's house?

There was supposed to be a dinner party in my honor at Professor Stanley's.

You're not fooling me, Collingsgood.

I know what you're doing here.

[Whistle blowing]

It's a raid!

[Screaming]

Ladies and gentlemen, we're police officers.

All the exits are guarded.

We urge everybody to remain calm.

It is my duty to inform you of your Constitutional rights.

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to have an attorney present before and during all questioning.

If you wish an attorney and cannot afford one, the state will refer an attorney.

For those of you...

Where do you think you're going, buster?

Buster? My name is not Buster.

This is just what I thought it was.

This is a case of mistaken identity.

Ha!

How I ever let you lead me into such a mess!

[Stomps foot]

Lead you?

You're the one that tried to steal the boy.

You ought to be in jail, not me.

Collingsgood, you're acting like this is the first time a thing like this has ever happened.

Hey, you okay, kid? I can remember the time you stole "Breakaway" Jones from me.

Hey, come on. Don't be depressed, will you?

Spending the night in jail ain't so bad.

Look at me. I've been in and out 100 times.

It's not that.

Higgins: It's not the alumni that's trying to steal Dexter.

It's you.

Man: You know, I don't understand you.

You should be the happiest guy in the world.

I've been going to the track all my life.

I never once met a guy who could pick eight races in a row, never.

Dexter, you and me could have the world at our feet here.

Collingsgood: I'm just trying to be fair to the boy.

I mean, with his capabilities, why should he stay at an academic fleabag like Medfield?

Well, it was that academic fleabag that taught Dexter Reilly everything he knows.

You just want him for that "College Knowledge" program, and you know it.

You know... everyone's just out for himself.

It was like that everywhere I went.

Everyone's just out for himself.

[Exhales sharply] Oh, you mean those guys?

Don't let them bother you, man.

You stick with me.

Who are you thinking of, Mr. Walski?

Oh, come on, will you, kid?

You're supposed to be smart, some sort of genius.

Don't you think everybody thinks about themself?

Huh?

[Door opens]

Okay, kid, you've been bailed out.

[Claps] There, you see? I told you Mr. Arno would come through.

Just the boy. Huh?

Oh, u-uh, Dexter, tell the boss, uh, not to forget I'm in here, huh?

[Keys jingling]

Higgins: Uh, Dexter...

Uh, Dexter, do you suppose that you could, uh...

Dean Higgins, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Man: 92... 93... 94... 95... 96... [Indistinct talking]

Will you all shut up for just one minute?!

[All talking indistinctly]

92... 93... 94... 95...

Quiet!! [Silence]

96... $97.50.

Well, the bail for Dexter Reilly's $ 100.

You've only got $97.50 here. You owe $2.50 more.

[All talking indistinctly]

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute! [Silence]

Now, if you'll all promise to get out of here, I'll pay the $2.50 myself.

[Indistinct talking]

Dean Higgins, I'll come by tomorrow and fill out that application.

Oh, that'll be wonderful.

Hey!

What's happening?! [All talking indistinctly]

The jailbird.

Thanks for bailing me out, guys.

Sure, man. Yeah, sure.

A lot of things have been happening to me lately.

Yeah, I...

I guess I've been acting kind of weird.

But I guess the worst thing I did was to forget who my friends really were.

Aw, come on. What are friends for?

I'd just like to say that I'm sorry.

Come on. What are friends for, man?

Come on, man.

Annie...

Annie, I, uh...

What?

Heck, I don't know what I was doing.

That's okay. Come on, let's go.

[Coins clinking]

[Beeping]

[Beeping continues]

[Book slams shut]

[Sighs] That's fantastic.

You did the S's in... 8 minutes and 18 seconds.

That beat the R's by 91/2 seconds.

And there were 1,200 pages in the S's and only 1,000 in the R's.

I picked up 22.68%.

[Siren wailing]

I'll get it.

[Wailing stops]

[Door opens]

Bradley: Oh, hi, Professor Quigley.

Quigley: Hello, Bradley. Is Dexter here?

Yeah, he's just boning up for the "College Knowledge" program. Time. Mark.

Page 4, paragraph 16, line 398, word 4,001.

Hi, professor.

Hello, Dexter. Boys.

[Clears throat] Well, I'm... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt anything.

Oh, don't worry. Heck, these are a cinch.

Ah, you can't believe this guy.

Yes. Yes. I-I know. Hmm.

Well, it's just, uh, a little thing, Dexter.

It, uh, seems that we need, uh, three more members for the panel.

I see.

And, uh, Dean Higgins sent over a list of suggestions.

Oh. [Chuckles] For you.

[Clears throat]

These guys are smart, all right.

Well, you know me, Quigley, I'm not a proud man.

Lf, uh, Dexter doesn't like my suggestions, then he can have anybody he wants.

Good.

Who does he want?

Schuyler, Henry, and Myles.

Hmm. Schuyler, Henry, and Myles.

That seems like a perfectly logical s...

Schuyler, Henry, and Myles? Oh, no.

Eh, well, they're very good friends of his, sir.

Well, I don't care.

And I'm afraid that if we tried to force anyone else on him, he might...

He might. Y-You're right. He might.

He would, too.

I mean, we want to keep that boy happy.

[Chuckling]

But Schuyler, Henry, and Myles.

Well, I'm not sure about the answer to the third part.

Well, I'm not sure about the answer to the third part.

But the answer to part one is "The Battle of Thermopylae," and the answer to part two is "The Naval Battle of Salamis."

Well, Lockhurst has answered two parts out of three correctly.

And that's good for 20 points.

Now we have a question concerning Greek art directed to our Medfield panel.

For 10 points each, please name the three greatest sculptors of The Golden Age of Greece.

Okay, Schuyler, you answer this one. What?!

It doesn't look good if I answer all the questions.

Now, there were three sculptors.

Phidias, who did a statue of Athena, and Praxiteles, who specialized in human figures, then there was Myron, who sculpted the figure of a discus-thrower, kind of like the best thing he ever done.

Okay. You got it? Got what?

Gentlemen, you have 20 seconds.

Well, tell him.

I think I misunderstood the question, sir.

You tell him, Henry.

W-Who's that guy, Merlin?

Not Merlin, Myron.

Is he the guy who threw the shot put?

It wasn't a shot put. It was a discus.

And he didn't throw it. He was a sculptor.

Gentlemen, your time is almost up.

I think I misunderstood the answer, sir.

You did?

[Sighs]

That's the last time I'll do that.

We have time for one more question directed to our Medfield panel.

Gentlemen, these are the works of the famous Marcel Duchamp as found in the collection of the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

Thank you, Miss Ackerman.

For 10 points each, please identify.

Number one is called "Portrait of Chess Players."

It was painted in 1911.

Number two is called "The Bride," and it was painted in 1912.

And number three is called

"A Nude Descending a Staircase."

It was also painted in 1912.

That's right on the button.

Very good.

That answer is absolutely correct.

[Applause, dramatic music plays]

Next week, Medfield will meet Franklin in the semifinals.

So until then, good night to you from Universal Encyclopedia, your passport to knowledge.

[Music continues]

[Indistinct conversations]

You guys were great. We're gonna win.

Thanks. Hey.

"A Nude Descending a Staircase."

Boy, that'd never make Playboy. Ha.

Oh, Dean Collingsgood, nice to see you.

You're scouting, I imagine.

Can hardly blame you.

It should be Medfield and State in the finals.

Oh, what an exciting match that'll be.

And I would like to say right at the beginning, I hope that the better team may win.

Withdraw him, Eugene.

I beg your pardon.

If you had an ounce on integrity, you'd withdraw him.

Withdraw whom?

That boy. It's unfair.

He's an intellectual freak!

Now, Dean Collingsgood, control yourself.

I know how you feel, but you can't win them all.

Unfortunately, this year, Medfield has the horses.

Hmm. Are those the horses?

Well, actually, Collingsgood, they're just, uh, part of the team.

For 10 points each, could you give us the highest and lowest points in South America?

The highest point is Mount Aconcagua, which is 22,934 feet.

The lowest point is Salinas Grandes, which is 131 feet below sea level.

Both locations are in Argentina.

That is absolutely correct.

20 points for Medfield.

How do you like that?

I could have had that kid in my organization.

Hey, I didn't try to get him arrested, you know.

He won't even answer the phone when I call.

But, boss, how did I know there was gonna be a raid?

I mean, I didn't think that...

Will you shut up? I want to hear this.

However, we have time for one more question, and I will direct it to our Medfield panel.

The Department of Agriculture stated last year the people of the United States consume more apples than any other country.

Some of that consumption was in the liquid form.

Can you give the phrase in slang for the central unfrozen portion in a container of frozen cider?

Applejack.

That's absolutely right.

Applejack.

[Beeping]

[As computerized voice] Applejack, Chissum City Social Club

137, Feb. 29, animals 740, tables 600, amusements 500. Hey, boss, I had nothin' to do with this. I swear. Nothin'.

[Beeping]

Applejack, Pompey Palace, 138, Feb. 29.

Animals 740.

[Beeping]

Applejack, Charlie Place.

Are you all right, Mr. Reilly?

Yeah, sure.

What was I talking about?

Mr. Arno, if you could please relax for just a little...

All right. Out, out. Just get out of here.

But... But... But what do I do with this?

Chissum City Social Club.

Hello. This is Applejack.

Oh, yes, sir.

Shut down right now.

Everybody and everything out of there.

I don't want a trace of that operation left.

Shut down? Why? What's the matter? Somethin' wrong?

Just do as you're told. I'll keep in touch.

Whatever you say.

Boys, out!

We gotta put that kid on ice.

Look, we need time to figure this out.

[Dialing telephone]

Hello? Long distance?

I want the Pompey Palace on Franklin Road in Charlottesville.

Yeah.

You know, if that kid hadn't been stopped, he'd have mentioned every joint I own in this state.

Pick him up.

Take him out to the Hancock place.

Right.

What?

No, I don't know the area code.

[Crickets chirping]

[Car squeaking]

Hello, Dexter.

What are you doing here?

Well, Mr. Arno figured you might be overworking yourself.

He thought you could use a little vacation in the country.

Go ahead. Start the car.

You know, fresh air and stuff.

Look, Mr. Arno's not my boss, and I don't need any vacation.

Dexter, start the car.

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Engine turns over]

Well, drive.

I just don't know what could have happened, Lieutenant.

He was supposed to be at my house about 8:30 last night, and he never showed up.

And nobody's seen him since.

Well, we've checked all over.

He hasn't been in an accident nor has he been arrested.

Lieutenant, I wonder if he could have had an attack of amnesia.

With that peculiar brain of his, he might just have wandered off somewhere.

Could be miles away by now.

Mm-hmm. I've alerted the state patrol to be on the lookout for his car.

And if they don't pick him up pretty soon, then I'm afraid we'll have to suspect foul play.

Hmm. Foul play, huh?

Well, that's it! He's been kidnapped.

Collingsgood has kidnapped him.

Collingsgood?

You don't mean Dean Collingsgood over at State?

Well, yes, of course.

Oh, don't you see it, Quigley?

I mean, if Dexter isn't back tomorrow for that "College Knowledge" program, then Springfield State will get the $ 100,000 grant.

We don't stand a chance without him.

Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hmm?

The dean of a college, a kidnapper?

Well, you don't know him. You don't know him at all.

The man is ruthless.

He gets all that taxpayers' money and still he's ruthless.

[Sarcastically] Y-Yeah. Uh-huh. I see.

Well, we'll, uh, we'll check it out.

I guess that'll be all for now.

If any of you hear anything, uh, be sure to let me know.

Thank you.

[Sighs deeply]

Pete... I just don't think Dexter would go wandering off without telling anyone.

I don't think the lieutenant does either.

Let's stop by my place for a second.

I just thought of something.

Dexter: [Beeping]

Dexter: [Beeping]

[As computerized voice] Applejack, Chissum City Social Club

137, Feb. 29.

Animals 740, tables 600, amusements 500.

[Beeping]

Applejack, Pompey Palace 138, Feb. 29.

Animals 740.

[Beeping]

Applejack, Charlie... [Clicks off]

Gee, all those places and always "Applejack."

That's weird.

When I played the tapes to Dexter, he didn't remember.

He didn't have the foggiest idea what they were.

Maybe it doesn't mean anything.

Nah, they got to.

Look, he was on TV for 15 weeks, and nothing happens to him.

Then all of a sudden, he mentions "Applejack," and wham!

Just like that, he's missing.

Pete, I just don't get it.

What?

Look, Dexter glances through an encyclopedia, he remembers every single word.

He browses through a book on an oriental language, and then speaks it fluently, remembering every accent.

He remembers everything he's ever seen, touched, heard, or read in his whole life.

How come he doesn't remember this?

Pete, it doesn't make sense.

Unless... unless he'd never read it or seen it or heard it before.

It was in the computer.

Of course.

When he got that big, giant shock, he was not only able to remember and think like a computer, but all the information that was in the computer was zapped into him, and he didn't even know it.

And now he blurts it all over the TV.

W... that's why he's missing.

A.J., Applejack. A.J. Arno.

A code name...

Applejack. ...for something, something he doesn't want anybody to know about.

Hi.

Tables, animals, amusements.

Wow. Yeah.

Pete, nobody would believe this but you and me.

Hi.

I don't care who believes it, just as long as we find Dexter.

Hey, Schuyler, will you do a favor for me?

Sure.

All right. Take these tapes down to the police station.

Tell them if they look up these places, they're gonna find out what Applejack is up to.

Applejack is Arno, and he's probably a crook.

And the reason why we know Applejack is Arno is 'cause it came from the computer into Dexter's head.

And that's why Dexter doesn't remember it.

Come on.

Dexter: [As computerized voice] 138, Feb. 29, animals 740.

[Beeping]

Applejack, Charlie Place...

That's why Pete remembered that Applejack was Arno.

Arno?

Yeah, because it was the only thing he couldn't remember.

Pete couldn't remember?

No, no, no. Dexter.

And that's how he remembered.

Because he couldn't?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Well, uh, thank you, Mr. Schuyler.

Sure.

Oh. Incidentally, if I go out of town or anything, I'll be sure to notify you.

Meantime, I'll be on the "College Knowledge" program if either of you want me.

Tell me straight, Lieutenant.

Ever seen anything like that before?

Never.

Let's hit this tape. I want to hear it again.

[Suspenseful music plays]


[Engine turns over]

W-What do we do now, Pete?

Well, if there's any dirty work to be done, Arno wouldn't be involved.

Come on. Let's follow his stooge.

[Engine turns over] I hope you're right.

[Music continues]

[Horn honks] [Horn honks]

[Crickets chirping]

[Engine turns off]

[Car door closes]

[Leaves crunching]

[Chirping continues]


Man: Licorice Skull.

$50 on Licorice Skull in the 5th.

[Chirping continues]

And John Aloicious in the 6th, $50.

Miss Press. Yeah, that's right.

Miss Press in the 7 th, $50.

In the 8th, Forever Anger. $50.

Yeah, that's it. Thanks.

Angie, uh, a word, if you please.

Sure. Get your mind on Sataquoi Downs.

Hey, how'd you ever get the kid to pick the horses?

It's easy.

If he don't pick the winners, he don't eat.

Hey, hey.

That's good thinking. Good thinking.

But it don't make no difference.

I just got the word... we get rid of him.

Oh, gee.

I was just gettin' a good streak goin'.

The boss says he cannot live, not with that memory of his.

Yeah. Well, I figured it'd come to that.

That's too bad, but we gotta figure out now how to get rid of the body so nobody but nobody finds it.

That's understandable.

Hey, how 'bout Navajo Lake?

It's about 240 feet deep in the center.

We weight the kid down, throw him in.

He goes down and down and down.

Nobody'd ever find him.

Nothin' the matter with that.

I like it.

Maybe we could get some fishing in afterwards, huh?

The season don't open for a couple weeks yet.

Well, gamble. We'll take a chance.

Well, whatever.

Good. Then it's all settled.

First thing in the morning, kid takes a dip in the lake, huh?

Beautiful. But let me get a couple more winners.

Yeah, sure, calling the police would be the easy way.

What about Dexter?

He ends up in jail with the rest of 'em.

Yeah, but how are we gonna get Dexter out of the house without the help of the police?

We gotta realize that this could be dangerous.

Okay. So it's dangerous. We owe it to Dexter.

And what's a couple of bullets in the old gut anyway?

Yeah.

You aren't going.

You guys and Schuyler gotta stick around here for the "College Knowledge" program tomorrow.

Us?!

Without Dexter?

[Groans] Ohh. I've rather have a couple of bullets in the old gut.

Listen, what if we get hung up and we don't get back in time?

You guys gotta represent the school.

Annie: What's your idea, Pete?

[Sighs]

Okay. We gotta have the run of the place without anybody catching on.

[Birds chirping]

[Whistling]

Somebody's coming!

[Metal bucket clangs, whistling resumes]

Hey, where's the paint for the trim?

Chillie, there's a whole bunch of painters outside.

Painters? Yeah.

Get him upstairs.

Upstairs, kid. I hate painters.

[Whistling] See? They're swarmin' all over the place.

Good morning. What are you people doing out here? What is this?

We're painting the house. I can see that! What am I, blind?! But why?!

Well, this is the Hancock house, isn't it?

22 Forest View Road? Yeah. Yeah, this is it.

Boy, you had me worried there for a second.

Terrible thing if we were painting the wrong house.

What is this?

That's an order. No, it's all correct.

An order to paint the house.

An order, huh? Yeah.

Well, look, look, w-why don't you people go away and come back tomorrow, huh?

We can't do that. We gotta do it today.

Man, it says so right here.

Give me this! Angie, nobody moves here, nobody.

Whatever.

Just hold up the work here!

Hold it, kid! Hol... hold it!

One second.

[Dialing telephone]

[Telephone rings]

Good morning. Medfield Paint Company.

We cover the county.

Oh, they got there. Fine. Fine.

You mean they really are painters?

They look like a bunch of punks to me.

Well, sir, they're part of our youth program.

Don't worry, you'll find they do excellent work.

[Click]

I guess it's okay. They check out.

This could be murder!

Not if we don't panic.

Just keep on painting the house like we know what we're doing, and keep your eyes on those windows and be ready, okay?

[Birds chirping]

You have any luck up there?

Nothing yet.

That's where I thought they'd be keeping him.

Yeah, well, some of the shades are drawn.

He could be in one of those rooms without us knowing it.

Yeah. We'll watch real close.

Hey! Look out!

Beautiful.

Really beautiful.

Oh, come on, you guys! Be careful, will ya?

You know, we've been here almost an hour and nobody's seen anything of him.

Do you think he's up there, Pete?

Yeah, he's in there. I'll guarantee it.

He's in there somewhere, man.

Just keep your eyes peeled, okay?

The big guy's gone through a couple times, but so far, no Dexter.

Bradley!

Bradley, what...

Oh, Bradley!

You mean I was supposed to paint the house orange and the trim green?

That's exactly what I mean to tell you, Bradley!

Gosh, Pete, I don't know how I could make a mistake like that.

[Groans] Annie: Pete!

Pete, those guys! I just heard them talking, and they're going to do something to Dexter, I know it!

All right. What'd they say, Annie?

Well, they said to get him ready, and the longer they wait, the more chance they have of getting caught.

A-And then a couple of them went upstairs.

Okay. We gotta make our move.

Come on, let's go.

I don't understand why you don't understand.

The police understood perfectly.

Ohh. Oh, Quigley, thank heavens you're here.

Did you find Dexter? No luck. I'm sorry.

What... do you realize we might be stuck with these things?

Oh, now, really, Dean, we don't like this any more than you do.

Oh, shut up. I'm talking to him.

Don't we at least have an alternate for Dexter?

[Chuckles] Well, yes. We, uh, we have Peter Ocho.

Oh, thank heavens. At least he's intelligent.

Only, uh, he's not there, either.

Where is he? Where?

Well, uh, as near as I can find out, he's off painting a house somewhere.

Painting a house?! Good morning, Eugene.

I see we're all here early.

Well, it's the early bird that catches the worm.

Don't you worm me, you worm!

Eugene.

Now, what have you done with that boy?!

You've done something with him!

I'm gonna see you in jail for this!

Dean Higgins, perhaps we'd better go sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

Eugene, you mustn't get yourself so excited.

After all, you have your health to think about.

So you don't win the contest.

It's only money.

A car!

[Clank]

[Engine turns off]

[Car door closes]

[Clanking]

Oh, hi, boss.

What's with all those kids out there?

Oh, you mean the painters? Painters?!

This place looks like a Halloween joke!

Oh, no. I called their shop, boss.

They're painters. I tell ya, they're okay.

They'd better be.

They are. You'll see. I checked.

[Dialing telephone]

[Telephone rings]

Sherwood Forest. Robin Hood speaking.

This 247-8824?

Congratulations. You win the prize.

How would you like your sheep dog wrapped?

[Receiver hangs up]

So, they're okay?

You checked 'em out, did ya?

They're not painters, you numskull!

They're a bunch of his school buddies!

School buddies! I knew it! I knew it all the time! Yeah, I'll bet!

[Rustling]

How are you gonna get him outta here?

Oh, boss, I am way ahead of you on that.

The boys are upstairs getting him ready right now.

Oh, you pea brain.

Did you find him?

No. Didn't you guys?

No. No.

I looked everywhere, even in the closets.

Arno's guys... what are they doing?

Well, they're back there packing a trunk.

They must be getting ready to leave or something.

I mean, they... they wouldn't leave without taking Dexter along with them.

What kind of a trunk was it, Bradley?

Um, about that long, and about that high.

You know, a regular trunk.

It was Dexter.

They're packing Dexter!

Man: Man, this kid's heavy! They're comin'!

Take it easy goin' around the corner.

How come I always get the heavy end?

Quit complainin', will ya?

Oh!

[Dramatic music plays]

Ugh!

Here, here, here!

Well, break it down!

Yeah, yeah.

Bradley: The door!

Hey! Ohh!

Grab it! Grab it!

[Clanging]

[Dexter groans, stuttered whirring]

Dexter?

Dexter!

[Clattering]

Come on! Let's get outta here!

[Engine revving]

Whooooa!

W-W-Whoa!

Ahhh!

Ohhh!

[Engine sputtering]

Aw, you're probably outta gas, you idiot!

What's goin' on here?

They put paint in everything.

[Groans] Well, what do we do now?

The kid's car! Well, come on! Let's go!

[Engine turns over] Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

[Engine revving]

This is the only truck I've ever been in that didn't have any tools in it.

[Knocking] Dexter, are you all right?

Hey, it's hot! Get me outta here!

He... He needs ventilation!

[Gunshot]

Dexter's car! I forgot all about it!

Give it all you got!

I can't! I've got it floored now!

[Gunshot]

What are we going to do?

Hey, what's going on?!

Hey, get me outta here!

Come on, help me with this paint.

Not them!

Their tires.

Get closer.

[Tires screeching]

[Cheers and applause] Whoo-hoo! Ha ha!

[Tires screeching]

Oh, no! Here he comes again, Pete!

What are we going to do? Let's get the other one! Get the other one!

Look out! They're gonna dump some more paint!

No problem.

Aaaahh! [Tires screeching]

Come on! Come on! Come on, baby! Fall!

Get me in, you dummies!

[Horn honking]

[Tires screeching]

Get me in!

Fall!

[Groaning]

What are you tryin' to do, kill me?!

[Horn honking, tires screeching]

Now what, Pete?

Start dumping everything.

Throw everything!

[Clanging]

Duck!

[Engine revving]

[Tires screeching]

Whoo-hoo! [All cheering]

[Both coughing]

Aw, you blithering idiot!

[Moos]

Aw, shut up!

[Silence]

[Applause] We will now direct our fourth historical question to Medfield College.

The word "paleolithic" is used to describe a stage of human culture lasting probably over a million years and ending about 8,000 B.C.

Now, for 10 points each, please describe and date the following cultures... the mesolithic culture, the neolithic culture, and the chalcolithic culture.

Do you know what he's talking about?

No. Do you know what he's talking about?

Unh-unh.

Gentlemen, you have about 15 seconds.

He could give me 15 months.

Medfield, your time is about up. I will need an answer.

We pass on that one, your honor.

"Your honor"?

We have the reports about that stuff on the tape.

Yeah?

That kid really had something.

Riverdale and Scottsfield card room... and Emmitt Junction, a horse parlor behind a barbershop.

And the guy in Emmitt Junction mentioned a Mr. A.J. Arno.

Well.

That's the end of an era.

Mm-hmm.

Let's pick him up.

[Horn honking]

[Brakes squeak, engine turns off]

Bradley, go tell Dean Higgins we've got Dexter here.

Right!

Annie: Dexter, are you all right?!

Oh, I don't know.

Pete: What's the matter?

It's my head. There's this ringing in my head.

Come on, let's get him outta this box. Maybe he'll feel better.

Now, take it easy with him!

Hey, Dexter, straighten out your legs.

I can't!

And they were bringing him down the hall, and then we fought with them, and we took him in the room and put him on the windowsill.

Put who on the windowsill? I think it's "whom," sir.

Oh, is it? I don't care about that!

What about... go on with the story!

And then the trunk fell out of a second-story window.

On top of him?

No, he was in it.

Hi, Dean Higgins. Hi, Dean.

Higgins: What happened to him?

Pete: Ah, it's a long story, Dean Higgins.

It was really a terrible experience.

Bradley, I'm not asking you.

Look, Dean Higgins, Dexter's been through quite a bit, but that really doesn't matter now.

The main thing is that we got him back.

So you don't have to worry about him.

He's gonna be all right...

I think.

[Applause]

And so we arrive at the halfway portion of our show with the score Springfield, 115, Medfield, 20.

[Indistinct talking]

Hey, that's Dexter.

It looks like the missing panelist from Medfield has finally shown up.

[Applause] There, ladies and gentlemen, we'll see now whether the old adage "better late than never" can hold up.

Medfield has quite a bit of ground to make up, and, uh, we'll see whether the man with the computer like mind can, uh, can pull it off.

It should be an exciting second half.

And we will begin, peculiarly enough, by asking this 20-pointer of Medfield.

He's here.

Would you please give us the common name of the following species of birds... the Lagopus Scoticus, the Amazona Farinosa, and the Pica Pica?

The Lagopus Scoticus is the red grouse, the Amazona Farinosa is the mag... parrot, and the Pica Pica is the magpie.

That is absolutely correct! 20 points for Medfield.

[Applause]

I tell you, Quigley, it's in the bag.

For 10 points each, could you tell us the capitals of these countries...

Pakistan, Mongolia, and Jordan?

The capital of Pakistan is... Rawalpindi, Mongolia...

Ulaanbaatar...

Jordan is A-A... A...

[Sighs]

Amman.

That's absolutely correct for 30 points.

[Applause]

Quigley, what's the matter with him?

I think he's falling apart.

[Clears throat] Now, Springfield State, please give us the victorious army and generals in the following Revolutionary-War battles... the first battle of Freeman Farm, Bennington, and the Battle of Quebec.

[Whispering] Bennington.

Freeman Farm was under Stark, Bennington under Cornwallis, and Quebec under Carleton. Sorry.

The information is correct, but the correlation is incorrect.

Medfield... Freeman Farm, Bennington, and the Battle of Quebec.

Freeman Farm...

The... The English... un-der Corn-wallis.

Benning-ton...

Bennington...

The Ameri-cans... un-der...

S...

S-Stark.

Quebec, Dexter.

What about Quebec?

The... En-glish... un-der...

C-C-Carle-ton.

That's... correct.

[Sighs]

[Applause]

We're getting there, but I don't know how much more of this I can stand.

Would you, Springfield State, give us, in the proper order, the six largest bodies of water in the world?

[Whispering]

[Clears throat]

The, uh, Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Arctic, Mediterranean, and Caribbean.

Sorry, again. The order is not quite correct.

Medfield, you now have an opportunity to go ahead.

The Pacific, At-lan-t-tic...

In-di-an...

A-ar-ctic...

Car-i-bbe-an... and Med-i- ttt-ttt- ttt-tt-

...terranean.

[Pants]

That is absolutely correct.

20 more points for Medfield. [Applause]

And with two minutes left, Medfield now has a 15-point advantage.

Maybe we can make it now.

We live in hope.

Now, a 10-pointer for Springfield State.

In the Congress of the United States, there are 435 representatives.

Please tell us how many representatives come from states west of the Mississippi.

[Whispering] 140?

[Whispering] 148.

Out of 435 representatives, 148 come from states west of the Mississippi.

That is correct for 10 points, and Medfield's lead is now cut to 5 points!

[Applause]

Medfield...

New York City was the first capital of the United States.

For 10 points, can you name the second capital of the United States and what year it was moved to Washington?

Ph...

Come on, Dexter. Hang on for another minute.

[Panting]

Ph...

Phil-a-dee- el-phi-a... m-m-moved... i-i-i-i-in... eight-t-t-t-t-teen...

[Pants]

Eight-teeee-yump.

[Thud]

"Yump"?

Oh, he's gone, Quigley. He's completely gone.

Springfield...

For 10 points and the lead, can you answer the question?

The national capital moved from Philadelphia to Washington, D.C., in 1800.

That is absolutely correct!

[Applause]

We have time now for one last question... a 10-pointer for Medfield.

And this will determine the winner.

A small, midwest city is located exactly on an area designated as the geographic center of the United States.

For 10 points and $ 100,000, can you tell us the name of that city?

Come on, Dexter. Think.

I can't.

I've had it!

I'm just like I used to be!

But you know this one.

We talked about it before.

Remember? It's that place where my uncle owns the dry-cleaning store.

I've told you about it a thousand times.

You know, they have those signs at the edge of town that...

I know.

For the first time in 15 weeks, I know an answer.

I know!

He knows?

I know!

Yes, well, s-sit down a-and g-give us an answer.

I know. I know, I know, I know, I know!

You have three seconds left.

Lebanon... Lebanon, Kansas.

That is absolutely correct, and Medfield wins the $ 100,000 prize!

[Cheers and applause]

[Marching band music plays]

[Tires screeching]

[Cheers, applause, and music continue]

We've gotta get outta here.

[Engine sputtering, turns over]

Not here, stupid! Come on!

Yes! Now, take it easy!

You almost killed me before!

Don't worry, boss. Don't worry.

[Siren wailing]

[Engine turns over]

[Tires screeching]

Do you hear a siren?

What siren?

[Engine revving, siren wailing]

[Tires screeching]

Why, you stupid...

[Chuckles]

Don't worry about it, gentlemen. We got insurance.

[Chuckles]

But, Dean Higgins, it's new equipment like this electroheliospectrograph that's going to put Medfield on the map.

Oh, really, Quigley... an electroheliospectrogram?

Graph, sir.

Well, graph. Whatever.

Everybody knows that I am all for progress, but there are limits.

You wanted a computer, we got you a computer.

Now, I'll admit, I was a little bit reluctant at first, but we've got to remember, we can't do everything that a state school can do.

Now, there's Collingsgood, sitting over there in the lap of luxury with all that tax money, building, building, building.

It's disgusting... all that building!

I tell you, the trials and tribulations of administration weigh heavily on one today.

It's not easy to be a dean in a private school today.

It's tough, tough, tough.

There they are again.

Every time we meet, they meet.

Maybe I can find out from the gardener what's going on.

Oh, uh, strike that, Winifred.

No, I'm... I'm sorry, Quigley.

The helioelectrospectrograph is out.

Electroheliospectrograph.

Well, whatever it is, it's out.

It's, uh... gram? Graph.

Graph. Out.

Gentlemen, I've made a decision on what we're going to do with our award money.

As you know, the building and loan associations are paying an excellent rate of interest.

Now, if we were to put our funds in one of these institutions, at the end of, say, uh, five years, the equivalent of interest would obviously be considerable.

And at that time I think it would behoove us to look into the long-neglected plumbing situation.

Plumbing?! Plumbing, are you kidding?!

How do you like that?!

We kill ourselves on that program, and Higgins wants to spend the dough on plumbing.

Poor Quig. You know, we ought to figure a way to get him one of those things.

Yeah, that's for sure.

See you later.

Oh, yeah. See you later.

Hey, Dexter, what's an electroheliospectrogram?

Heck, I don't know.

I don't know either, but if we ever get one, don't fool around with it, okay?

Okay.

[Up-tempo music plays]