The Condo (2015) Script

I'M SO SORRY, KATE. I DIDN'T MEAN FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN.

LET'S SEE HOW MUCH SYMPATHY YOU GET FROM TWO DEAD MISTRESSES.

WHOA! OH, SHIT!

WHOA! FREEZE!

EVERYONE ON YOUR KNEES!

HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD.


NO, IT'S CRAZY. IT WAS CRAZY. IT WAS CRAZY.

SINCE I BEEN HERE, WE HAD A LOT OF LAUGHS.

WE HAD A LOT OF GOOD TIMES AND EVERYTHING, SO I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU NOW, I FEEL LIKE I CAN... I CAN BE FREE WITH YOU.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

I GOTTA ASK MY PERMISSION TO THE BLACK LADIES, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW Y'ALL DON'T LET ANYTHING JUST HAPPEN.

SO IS IT OKAY FOR ME TO JUST TALK TO YOU?

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, ALL RIGHT. SO Y'ALL NOT GONNA JUDGE ME?

I DON'T MIND YOUR OPEN OPINION, BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA JUDGE ME, ARE YOU?

CAN'T PROMISE THAT.

CAN'T PROMISE THAT. I GOTTA RESPECT THAT, ALL RIGHT.

SORRY WE'RE A LITTLE EARLY.

I THOUGHT I SAID 3 PM.

NO, YOU SAID 12 PM.

WHAT... WHAT... WHAT IS THAT?

OH, UH, THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE.

RAPPERS USED TO LIVE HERE.

THEY HAD SOME TYPE OF MUSIC VIDEO.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY ARE. EQUALITY ENTERTAINMENT.

E40 AND THEM. IT'S ALL GOOD.

MAN, NO, MAN. THIS... THIS LOOK LIKE A HOMICIDE.

OH, NO, THIS... YOU KNOW HOW THEM RAPPERS ARE, MAN.

YOU'RE A BROTHA. WHAT'S UP, MAN?

LISTEN, PLEASE. JUST FOLLOW ME AND LET ME SHOW YOU THE POOL.

LET ME... COME ON.

HEY! HEY!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN? JULISSA.

YOU'RE SELFISH. TELL ME ABOUT YOUR GIRLS.

WHERE YOUR GIRLS AT? THEY COULDN'T MAKE IT, BUT I'M HERE TO SERVE.

YEAH, WELL, CAN YOU SERVE ME SOME VODKA IN THIS LEMONADE?

HURRY BACK, SEXY. YEAH, SHE IS SEXY.

SO, D, WHY CAN'T YOU SELL THIS PLACE, MAN?

THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM.

YOU HAVE TWO GOLDEN ROMAN STATUES, ANTIQUE FURNITURE FROM THE 1940S.

THIS WAS BUILT IN THE 1960S. GREAT BARGAIN.

DOES THIS PLACE LOOK FAMILIAR, HONEY? I'M GOOGLING IT RIGHT NOW.

YO, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.

IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT...

THE PARTY'S OVER, KIDS.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

KNOW WHAT? LET ME SHOW YOU GUYS THE BACKYARD.

WAIT A MINUTE! THEY JUST GANGSTA RAPPERS!

MAN, LONG STORY.

OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

YO, YO, WHAT'S UP? YEAH, YEAH. THIS IS J-MAN.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, BABY DOLL?

YEAH, MY BRO TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR SEXY SELF.

DUKE! DUKE! YEAH, WHAT'S UP, HONEY?

DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP MY DRESS AT THE DRY CLEANERS.

YOU'RE NOT WORKING TODAY. YOU CAN PICK IT UP. EXCUSE ME?

I HAVE APPOINTMENTS. I HAVE MY MANICURE, PEDICURE, AND MY FACIAL, AND THAT'S ALL IN MY MORNING SCHEDULE.

THEN I HAVE MY HAIR TREATMENT. ALL RIGHT, I'LL PICK IT UP.

THANK YOU. OH, YEAH, I JUST REMEMBERED.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE POKER AT THE HOUSE THIS WEEK, OKAY?

WITH THE FELLAS. THAT'S OKAY, RIGHT?

UH-UH. NO. NO WAY.

I TOLD YOU THE LAST TIME WAS THE L-A-S-T TIME.

YOU TELL YOUR HOMEBOYS TO GO FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO TRASH.

COME ON, BABY, BE REASONABLE, PLEASE. I MEAN, THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.

IT'S MY TURN NOW.

I TELL YOU HOW IT WORKS, SUGAR.

I WATCH "SEX IN THE CITY" RERUNS IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND THEY'LL BE NO CARD GAME GOING ON IN THE KITCHEN.

BESIDES, WHY DON'T YOU USE THAT MANSION YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SELL?

ALL RIGHT. I SEE HOW IT IS.

I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE.

NICE DAY FOR A WALK.

YEAH, NOW IT'S HOME AND INTO MY JACUZZI.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I MAY HAVE MY SWIMMING TRUNKS IN THE CAR.

RULE NUMBER ONE, NO SWIM TRUNKS ALLOWED IN MY JACUZZI.

I PROMISE NOT TO BREAK ANY OF THOSE RULES.

RULE NUMBER TWO, NO WIVES ALLOWED IN MY JACUZZI.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT? JOHNNY "J-MAN" JOHNSON?

RECORD PRODUCER? THAT'S MY TWIN BROTHER.

HE GIVES YOU ANY TROUBLE, YOU GIVE ME A CALL.

HE'S SINGLE. OKAY.

AND HERE'S NUMBER TWO.

EMERSON DUKE JOHNSON.

AUTHOR, HISTORIAN, REALTOR.

YES, THAT WOULD BE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TODAY? REALTOR.

YEAH? YEAH.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL GIVE YOUR BROTHER A CALL.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, DUKE.

AS WELL.

HE SAID IF I CAN GET YOU TO GIGGLE, I CAN PROBABLY GET YOU IN BED.

IS THAT TRUE?

A LITTLE BIT. WELL, I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW.

I'M IN THE STUDIO LAYING DOWN SOME TRACKS.

COOL. YEAH. BY THE WAY, DO YOU SING?

YEAH. 'CAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO LAY DOWN SOME TRACKS WITH YOU.

I BET YOU WOULD. ALL RIGHT. TOMORROW.

COOL. PEACE.

SEE YA, BYE. ALL RIGHT.

"J-MAN?" J-MAN.

WHAT KIND OF SESSION ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE, TOM. J-MAN'S KIND OF LIKE MY...

HOW CAN I SAY THIS?

MY ALTER EGO.

ALTER EGO? ALTER EGO?

YEAH, GUYS, LIKE SOMEBODY'S SECONDARY PERSONALITY, OR AN INTIMATE TRUSTED FRIEND. WE KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, TOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I KIND OF, LIKE, MADE UP J-MAN.

BUT YOU GOT TO REALIZE THAT MY SPIRIT IS PURE, BUT MY FLESH IS SO WEAK.

AH, OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE A SLY DOG.

IF I EVER CAUGHT YOU IN BED WITH ANOTHER MAN, I WOULD CUT OFF YOUR DICK AND HANG IT ON THE RESTROOM OF THE BUS STATION.

NO WORRIES, LOVER.

WHAT IF LETITIA FINDS OUT?

LET'S SEE.

PUBLIC PARK?

CHECK.

WE'RE ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH THE LIST.

YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A SPORT ACCOMMODATING MY FETISH.

I WANNA GIVE YOU A SPECIAL GIFT.

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!

AS ARE YOU.

OH, GOOD. YOU THOUGHT OF ANOTHER LOCATION?

YES. YOUR PLACE.

YOU MIGHT WANNA BE CREMATED, BECAUSE THERE WON'T BE ENOUGH REMAINS LEFT TO BURY.

YO, D THIS GIRL IS THAT FINE? SHE'S THAT HOT?

DO BLACK MEN HANG LIKE ELEPHANTS?

SHE IS HOT.

THERE'S ACTUALLY TWO SPECIES OF ELEPHANTS. WHAT?

WHAT'S HER NAME? HER NAME IS SUNDAY.

YOU GONNA TAKE HER TO CHURCH? NO. IT'S NOT ABOUT WHERE I TAKE HER, IT'S ABOUT WHERE WE END UP.

HER RULE IS NO SWIMSUITS IN THE JACUZZI.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE HER HERE? HMM.

WAIT A MINUTE, J-MAN.

WOULD YOU POSSIBLY CONSIDER SUBLETTING TO ME AND MY ALTER EGO?

YOU KNOW WHAT, GENTLEMEN? LET'S MAKE A DEAL.

LET'S MAKE THIS MANSION BRING US PEACE, LOVE, JOY, HAPPINESS, WHATEVER WE WANT.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, FROM MONDAY THROUGH SUNDAY.

THAT'S RIGHT. ALL FOR ONE...

AND ONE FOR ALL. YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

WHAT ABOUT ME? OH, I GOT YOU. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM.

AND I GOT YOUR BACK, BABY. NO, YOU DON'T. I GOT IT.

WE'LL SEE, RON D. I GOT IT COVERED ALL THE WAY AROUND.

WHERE'S SHE SITTING? SHE'S SITTING RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, SHE'S WORKING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT, BROTHER. WHO'S GOT HER FRONT?

IN MY REAL LIFE RIGHT NOW, I'M INVOLVED IN... IN AN AFFAIR.

I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN ON MY WIFE.

SEE? THERE Y'ALL GO JUDGE... SEE THOSE LOOKS ON THEM FACES?

YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GONNA JUDGE ME.

SEE THAT? SEE HOW BLACK FOLK ARE?

YOU THINK YOU CAN TRUST 'EM, AND THEY JUST STAB YOU THE IN BACK.

THIS DUDE IS OFFERING THE LILIES OF SERENITY TO HIS PEOPLE, YEAH.

REALLY? YEAH, REALLY.

TO ME, THE LIPS REPRESENT A VAGINA.

FOR REAL? WOW.

OH, COME ON. HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT THIS AND NOT SEE A VAGINA RIGHT IN HER FACE.

WELL, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN SEE THAT NOW. YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YEAH, TO ME THIS PIECE REPRESENTS SEXUAL FREEDOM AND PURITY. MMM.

HOW ABOUT I GET US SOME STRONGER DRINKS AND WE CAN MEET OUT BY THE JACUZZI?

I LIKE THAT. YEAH?

MM-HMM.

I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE.

YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.

YEAH, THIS GIRL SUNDAY IS OFF THE HOOK.

THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HEY, UH, I THOUGHT...

ALL THAT TALK ABOUT THE LILIES KIND OF INSPIRED ME.

I THOUGHT WE WAS ON THE SAME PAGE.

UM, NO, I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE A DRINK BEFORE YOU TOOK ME TO DINNER.

OH, ALL RIGHT, WELL, UM, OKAY.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M KINDA NAKED.

YES, YOU ARE.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR RULE. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, UH, YOU KNOW... OH, I SEE.

TWINS TALK. YEAH, YEAH.

WE'RE ALWAYS TALKING. WE TALK TOO MUCH. MM-HMM.

SMART, YES. YEAH.

WELL, I'M REALLY HUNGRY, SO IF YOU WANNA...

ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE?

YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?

WELL.

HELLO? HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

IS TUESDAY THERE?

TUESDAY? UH, NO. SHE'S NOT HERE.

WELL, SHE GAVE ME THIS NUMBER THOUGH.

WELL, SHE GAVE YOU A BAD NUMBER.

SHE SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOU.

THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

YOU READY? YES, I AM.

YOU BASTARD.

SHOWING A MANSION?

HE MUST THINK I'M SOME DUMB, BLONDE, TRAILER PARK WHITE TRASH.

NOT.

GOING OUT FOR A LITTLE WHILE.


THIS IS REALLY AN AMAZING MOMENT OF INTROSPECTION.

DR. JENKINS, AFTER 30 YEARS...

OH, THAT'S MY EMERGENCY RING TONE.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

HE'S WITH A WOMAN! WHY A WOMAN?

IS THIS AN EMERGENCY? ABSOLUTELY. MY LIFE IS CRUMBLING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OKAY, OKAY. LISTEN, IT'S HARD FOR ME TO ASCERTAIN WHY HE'S WITH A WOMAN WITHOUT ME ACTUALLY TALKING TO HIM.

YOU SURE HE CAN'T COME IN FOR A COUPLE SESSIONS?

NOT A CHANCE.

WELL, I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO SPECULATE.

MAYBE JUAN IS EXPERIMENTING.

MAYBE HE WANTS SOME VARIETY IN HIS LIFE.

DOES HE NEED THAT MUCH VARIETY?

ARE YOU MAD THAT HE'S CHEATING ON YOU, OR THAT HE'S CHEATING WITH A WOMAN?

I CAN HOLD MY OWN AGAINST A MAN, BUT HOW DO I COMPETE WITH A PAIR OF TITS AND A COMPLEXION AS SMOOTH AS A BABY'S BUTT?

I HEAR THAT. WELL, WE GOTTA BREAK IT DOWN SYSTEMATICALLY.

IF JUAN IS EXPERIMENTING, GIVE HIM SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

GIVE HIM A DIFFERENT LOOK. SOMETHING EXCITING.

BESIDES A SEX CHANGE OPERATION?

THAT'S THE LAST RESORT.

NO, MAYBE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LOOK. CHANGE YOUR ATTIRE.

GIVE HIM A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSONA WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE.

GOT IT. THANK YOU, DR. JENKINS.

SURE, YOU BET.

I APOLOGIZE. NOW WHERE WERE WE?

WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS...

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S THE END OF OUR SESSION.

WE'RE GONNA PICK THIS UP NEXT WEEK, OKAY?

MAKE SURE YOU PAY MY SECRETARY ON THE WAY OUT.

I'M SORRY.


GOING OUT FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

HAVE FUN.


HELLO.


OH, YOU ARE NOT PLAYING POKER AGAIN.

WHAT'S UP, GIRL? YOU WANNA GET WEIRD?

YOU BETTER BACK UP OFF OF ME. GET OUT OF MY YARD!

DAMN. YO, SHE'S A BITCH.

YOUR, MAMA!

YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE NO PAJAMA PARTY?

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT?

I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE.

IS THERE? OKAY. GIVE ME A MINUTE.

HEY, HEY, GUESS WHAT? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I GOT A DATE TONIGHT. I HAD TO GET MY STUFF SET UP.

OH, NO! SERIOUSLY? WHY ARE WE WHISPERING?

BECAUSE I GOT A DATE NOW. MY STUFF IS ALREADY SET UP.

MEET ME DOWNSTAIRS. MY CLOTHES ARE DOWN THERE.

I'M ABOUT TO GET DRESSED, OKAY?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL HER?

MAN, JUST TELL HER YOU HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE YOU'RE STRESSED OUT AND NEEDED FRESH AIR.

WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING HERE?

HEY! SHH.

WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL DOING HERE?

SHH. SHH.

J-MAN?

HEY, LOOK, YOU THREE GOTTA GET UP OUTTA HERE, MY GIRL'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE. I NEED TO SET UP.

HEY, BABE! WE HAVING POKER TODAY, BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA RESCHEDULE.

IS THAT COOL WITH YOU?

ARE YOU HAVING A POKER A MARATHON?

UH, NO, WE WERE JUST... NO.

WE JUST KINDA WE CAME BY. YOU KNOW, SAY HELLO.

OH, WELL, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, 'CAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE OFF ANYWAY.

SO, I'LL SEE YA LATER.

I'LL TEXT YA.

AREN'T YOU GONNA WALK ME TO THE DOOR?

OH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M TAKING YOU THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

YEAH, THE BACK DOOR. BACK DOOR?

HEY, MAN, YOU ALL GOTTA LEAVE, MAN.

YOU GOTTA LEAVE, MAN. YOU GOTTA GO.

WHY I GOTTA LEAVE? I HAVE A SURE THING, MAN.

SURE THING? COME ON, URKEL. YOU DON'T HAVE A SURE THING.

URKEL?

HEY, LOOK, MAN. I AM SORRY I RUINED YOUR NIGHT.

YOU RUINED MY NIGHT, TOO. I DIDN'T RUIN YOUR NIGHT.

I HAD A SURE THING. YOU NEVER HAD A SURE THING.

LISTEN, GIRLS, LISTEN. LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA MEET TOMORROW.

WE'RE GONNA FIGURE OUT A SYSTEM, A BLUEPRINT, SO THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

SEE, THAT'S NATALIA. HUH? WHAT?

IT'S LETITIA.

OH, SHIT. OKAY, YOU GO UPSTAIRS.

YOU GO... ME AND HIM, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

WHERE'S HE AT? UH, HE JUST LEFT.

IF YOU GO OUT... I KNOW YOU PLAYING POKER.

NO, WE WEREN'T PLAYING POKER. WE WEREN'T PLAYING POKER.

WE WERE... WE JUST WAS MEETING...

WE WERE, UH... WE WEREN'T PLAYING POKER.

NAH.

YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?

NO, WE WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT RENTING THE PLACE.

BOTH OF YOU? YEAH, YEAH.

AREN'T YOU MARRIED?

NO, I'M NOT... I'M NOT MARRIED. WELL, HE MIGHT BE.

WHOA. WELL, NOT TO EACH OTHER.

IT'S A JOKE I'M WORKING ON FOR MY ROUTINE. MY STAND-UP.

THAT'S FUNNY. YOU SHOULD TRY THAT ONE OUT.

ANYWAY, SO J-MAN JUST... J-MAN?

THAT'S WHAT WE CALLED DUKE IN COLLEGE.

YEAH, IT WAS AN OLD COLLEGE NICKNAME. J-MAN, HEY!

SO, DUKE LET US IN AND HE TOOK OFF.

YOU LYING, AND YOU'RE THE RINGLEADER.

WHERE'S MY HUSBAND? HEY, COME... COME!

I TOLD YOU DUKE IS NOT HERE!

WHAT THE HELL?

SEE, THIS IS WHY I DATE OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY.

SEE THAT? YEAH, IT MAKES YOU THINK.

HEY, COME TO THE LIGHT, MAN. I'M JUST SAYING.

NICE SEEING YOU, RON. OH, IT WAS GREAT SEEING YOU TOO, TOM.

AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME STRAIGHTEN UP MY RELATIONSHIP.

YEAH, NO. NO, PROBLEM. YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HEY! HEY, HEY, BAE. HEY! IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ARMS OFF OF ME, I'M GONNA RIP IT OFF. SORRY!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE, BUT IF I GET HOME AND DUKE'S NOT THERE ASLEEP, I'MA COME BACK HERE, AND I'MA FUCK SOMEBODY UP.

OKAY. HEY, WAIT! NO, HOLD ON!

BUT NOW I KNOW THAT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR TAKES...

I'M GONNA TELL YOU YOU HAVE TO... YOU HAVE TO...

PAY TO GO OUT TO EAT. CAN'T GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE.

CAN'T GO OVER YOUR HOUSE 'CAUSE SOMEBODY THERE.

HI.

SHE LOOKS VERY FAMILIAR.

PROBABLY AN OLD STUDENT OF MINE.

WHEN I COUNT TO THREE, YOU WILL WAKE UP FEELING REFRESHED AND ENERGIZED.

ALL YOUR FEELINGS OF SADNESS WILL BE GONE.

ONE, TWO...

YES?

CAN I KILL HER NOW?

ROBERT, I'M IN A SESSION.

I TOLD YOU, ONLY CALL ME IF IT'S AN EMERGENCY, BUT HERE WE ARE.

NO, NO, DO NOT KILL HER.

JUST STICK WITH THE PLAN THAT WE CAME UP WITH.

OH, PLEASE, THAT IS TOO MUCH WORK.

WILL IT BE WORTH GETTING HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER?

I WOULD PREFER GETTING HER OFF THE PLANET, BUT I SUPPOSE REMOVING HER FROM MY WORLD WILL DO.

GOOD, WELL, GO BE AT IT, AND WE'LL TALK AT THE NEXT SESSION.

GOOD-BYE, ROBERT.

OH, SOMEBODY POKED ME ON FACEBOOK.

HMM. HMM.

OH! THREE!

I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.

YOU OKAY?

OH, MUST BE SOMETHING BAD I ATE.

DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?

I'M OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, I'M LEAVING. I'LL BE BACK IN A FEW HOURS.

HAVE FUN.


WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT?

I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM.

HELLO. HI.

HAVE WE MET BEFORE? WE JUST HAVE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FORMER TANGO STUDENT OF MINE.

I'M NOT A DANCER, BUT I CAN DO A HORIZONTAL GRIPPING MAMBO.

HERE, I'LL TRADE YOU SOME LESSONS IN THE VERTICAL FOR SOME IN THE HORIZONTAL.

THAT'S A FAIR TRADE.

YEAH, FLUSH. LUCKY BASTARD.

WOW, YOU SON OF A BITCH. YOU HAD TO KICK IN.

LOOK AT THAT. YOU SEE THAT? GOD DAMN.

ABOUT TIME.

LOOK, GUYS, I DON'T SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

RON D, THIS IS THE PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, I WAS ABOUT TO GET IT ON WITH SUNDAY AND GIVE HER SOME PRAISE AND WORSHIP, BUT YOU GUYS SHOWS UP GIVING ME A HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? I WASN'T INVITED TO NO PARTY.

HEY, BUT YOU KNOW, GUYS, SERIOUSLY, WE ALMOST MESSED UP THE LOVE SHACK.

YEAH, I HAD A SURE THING.

DON'T YOU START THAT, MAN. YOU SERIOUS?

HEY, LISTEN, GUYS, WE NEED TO DEVISE A PLAN.

WE NEED TO COME UP WITH A PLAN, ALL RIGHT?

I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WERE MARRIED.

HMM? BUT NOW THAT I'M IN YOUR PLACE, IN YOUR BED...

I LOVE YOU. YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO.

THERE, THERE, IT'LL BE OKAY, TOM.

I JUST NEED TO BE HELD.

I'LL HOLD YOU. THANK YOU.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE AWESOME.

I MISS MY WIFE. OH! CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT HER RIGHT NOW THOUGH?

BABY, DADDY LOST HIS KEYS.

HE'S GONNA HAVE TO GO IN THE BACK DOOR.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BACK DOOR?

LET ME SHOW YOU. OH, WHOA.

GOD!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO IT WITH TWINS.

OH, HELL, NAW. I'M NOT CROSSING SWORDS WITH MY BROTHER.

WE COULDN'T EVEN SHARE THE SAME MOTHER WITHOUT FIGHTING.

NOW THAT'S A GOOD SERMON FOR SUNDAY, BUT NOT FOR ME.

NOW WHERE WAS I?

YEAH. I LIKE FISH STICKS, I LIKE FISH STICKS, YEAH.

WOW.

HELLO, HELLO.

SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING IN THE HOOD?

NOT LONG. I GOT A SMALL INHERITANCE AND DECIDED TO UPGRADE MY LIVING SITUATION.

NICE.

NO CHANCE OF ME GETTING AN INHERITANCE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO MARRY UP IF I'M GONNA DO ANY UPGRADING.

WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND DO? HE'S A REALTOR.

OH, I'M SORRY.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD. IT COULD BE WORSE.

HE COULD SUCK IN BED.

THEN AGAIN, LATELY...

YOU THINK THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE?

NO WAY! THEN AGAIN...

YOU CAN ASK HIM YOURSELF.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING, HONEY? HEY.

TUESDAY WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

NICE TO MEET YOU. HI.

TUESDAY'S KINDA NEW TO THE HOOD.

WE MET WHEN WE WERE CARRYING GROCERIES UP.

HEY, I'M SORRY.

I NEED TO GO TAKE A SHOWER, AND THEN GO FOR A FACIAL.

YOU FIND OUT IF HE'S FOOLING AROUND.

YOU GUYS ARE VERY AMUSING.

SO, LETITIA TELLS ME YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TOO INTERESTED LATELY.

SHE SAID WHAT? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

SUNDAY? NO, TUESDAY.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LISTEN, MY WIFE, SHE'S NOT TOO FOND OF MY BROTHER.

IF SHE KNEW THAT I SET YOU UP WITH HIM, IT WOULDN'T LOOK TOO GOOD ON ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

KEEP YOUR DAMN VOICE DOWN.

LOOK, I GOTTA GO. TELL LETITIA I'LL CALL HER.

WHAT'S GOING ON, SUNDAY? CHURCH, I GUESS?

GOTTA GO.

WHAT? CHURCH?

WAIT.

HEY, BAE.

IS THIS J-MAN? WHO'S THIS?

THIS IS DR. ENGLISH. YEAH, THIS IS J-MAN.

MR. JOHNSON, HAVE YOU MET TUESDAY?

YEAH, WE CHILL TOGETHER SOMETIMES. I THOUGHT SO.

HMM, I'M CURRENTLY TREATING SUNDAY FOR MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

HAVE YOU MET ANY OTHER DAYS OF HER WEEK?

NO, I HAVEN'T. DOC, IS SHE CRAZY?

BECAUSE I'M FEELING KIND OF CRAZY.

DO YOU THINK SHE PUT CYANIDE IN MY DRINK OR SOMETHING?

WHAT'S GOING ON? HELP ME.

OKAY, MR. JOHNSON, I'M...

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO COME INTO THE OFFICE.

ALL RIGHT. IN A MINUTE.

A WHITE "SUPREM-IST"?

MONDAY IS FROM MISSISSIPPI, CIRCA 1955, AND HER GREAT GRANDFATHER WAS A CONFEDERATE GENERAL.

SO FAR SHE ONLY APPEARS VERY BRIEFLY, BUT SHE HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE VERY DANGEROUS.

NOW, I CAN'T GO INTO SPECIFICS, BUT SUFFICE IT TO SAY THE LAST TIME SHE DID MANIFEST HERSELF, THE POLICE WERE INVOLVED.

WHOA. YOU KNOW WHAT, DOC?

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO END THINGS WITH SUNDAY.

YOU FEEL ME? NO, I WISH YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

IF HER LIFE GETS UPSET NOW, WE MAY LOSE ALL THE PROGRESS WE'VE ACHIEVED SO FAR.

AND I PERSONALLY BELIEVE WE'RE VERY CLOSE TO A BREAKTHROUGH.

LOOK, DOC, I GOT A FEW PERSONALITIES OF MY OWN, YOU FEEL ME?

BUT NEITHER OF THEM WANT TO LYNCH A DAMN BLACK MAN!

I HOPE I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT MONDAY IS HOMICIDAL.

SHE MERELY HAS A RAGE ISSUE.

A RAGE ISSUE. YOU SERIOUS? A RAGE ISSUE?

WELL, IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS. I ASSURE YOU.

YOU JUST NEED TO BE AWARE OF IT AND NOT OVER REACT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

COOL, UM...

I THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT.

I SHOULD MENTION, UM...

IF YOU ARE SEEING SUNDAY INTIMATELY, AND SUDDENLY MONDAY EMERGES, MAKE SURE SHE DOES NOT GIVE YOU ORAL SEX.

WHAT? SERIOUSLY?

GOOD DAY, MR. JOHNSON.

YOU OKAY? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'M OKAY, JUST DRANK TOO MANY RED BULLS WITH THAT BLUE VODKA AT THE STUDIO TODAY, THAT'S ALL.

LET ME MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

HOW?

I'M WANNA GIVE YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.

JUST MAKE SURE SHE DOES NOT GIVE YOU ORAL SEX.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOLD ON, IT'S ALL GOOD.

JUST LET ME DO YOU.

OKAY.

LET ME DO YOU, BABY.

YEAH.

YOU ARE A LOVE LETTER WRITTEN IN SECRET CODE.

MAYBE YOU CAN UNLOCK THAT CODE.

I CAN UNLOCK ANY CODE, BABY.

THIS IS A NICE PLACE. THANK YOU.

IT'S GORGEOUS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE ARTWORK?

I THINK IT'S GORGEOUS.

IT'S BY A FAMOUS DESIGNER NAMED TAMANI ELLIOTT.

THIS IS CALLED HER JUJU COLLECTION.

JUJU COLLECTION? YES.

SO DOES LETITIA KNOW ABOUT THESE DIGS?

NOPE. SHOULD SHE?

WELL, WHAT IF SHE FINDS OUT. ARE YOU GONNA TELL HER?

DEPENDS ON HOW GOOD YOU ARE WITH THAT MASSAGE.

OH, BABY, I'M REAL GOOD.

LET ME SHOW YOU. COME HERE.

OH, YEAH? YEAH.

DAMN, GIRL. OOH, YOU GOT STRONG HANDS.

YEAH.

WHAT THE HELL?

SHIT.

I'M STARTING TO FEEL GUILTY.

YOU SHOULD. IT'S YOUR TURN.

ALL RIGHT.

TAKE IT OFF. I WILL.

THERE YOU GO.

WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S WHAT?

THESE SCRATCHES.

REMEMBER YOU DID...

REMEMBER WHAT? UH, NEVER MIND.

I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU BASTARD.

UH! WHAT?


SO IT COSTS MONEY TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. THAT'S RELATIONSHIP.

YOU MAY GET A COUPLE OF THESE GROUPIES OUT THERE ONCE IN A WHILE, BUT EVEN THE MOST RATCHET CHICK IS LIKE, UH-UH.

THIS IS JUAN.

HELLO DANCE, MAN. DO YOU KNOW WHO IS THIS?

YES, I THINK I DO.

ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR LESSON?

MOST IMPORTANTLY ARE YOUR READY FOR YOURS?

OKAY, TONIGHT'S GONNA BE FUN MOST DEFINITELY.

WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

SEE YOU THEN.

ARE YOU OKAY?

COULDN'T BE BETTER, SUGAR.

I'LL BE OUT BEFORE YOU CAN SAY "CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF."

MONDAY?

DR. ENGLISH.

HELLO, DR. ENGLISH.

J-MAN. I THINK MONDAY'S ABOUT TO COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

AND SHE... AND SHE MAY WANNA LYNCH ME.

THIS IS NOT GOOD. UM... WHERE ARE YOU?

I'LL TEXT YOU THE ADDRESS. ALL RIGHT.

YES. THERE'S TWO WAYS OUT FOR A CHEATIN' MAN.

I CAN GO DOWN ON Y'ALL, OR Y'ALL CAN GO DOWN ON ME.

NO, NO. I'LL GO DOWN ON YOU. I'LL GO DOWN ON YOU.

NO. WHAT THE HELL?

I THINK I'LL GO DOWN ON Y'ALL.

WAIT, WHOA!

NO.

COME ON, PLEASE!

WAIT, WHAT DO WE DO?

HELLO. WHO ARE YOU?

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M JUAN. THIS IS MY MANSION.

I'M TIFFANY, AND THIS IS REBECCA.

OH, REBECCA, YES, YOU'RE TOM'S HAIR STYLIST.

HAVE WE MET?

NO, BUT I STOPPED IN THE SHOP ONCE.

ISN'T THIS TOM'S MANSION?

ACTUALLY WE'RE... WE'RE ROOMMATES.

ROOMMATES?

SORTA.

LOOK, WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY JUST LEAVING FOR A COUPLE HOURS?

WE'RE PLANNING A REALLY BIG SURPRISE FOR TOM.

MMM. IT'S BIG.

I'D LOVE TO BUT I HAVE A PRESSING ENGAGEMENT.

SHE'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

NO, NO, NO THAT'S... IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

I'M SORRY I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU GUYS TO LEAVE AND HAVE YOUR SURPRISE ANOTHER TIME.

LOOK, WE'VE PLANNED A BIG DINNER.

WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING READY.

IT LOOKS REALLY, REALLY NICE AND...

WHERE'S THE FOOD?

IT'S BEING DELIVERED. YEAH.

YEAH, I'M SORRY THIS IS... THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TWO TO LEAVE.

OH... JUST... JUST FOR A MINUTE.

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE TO...

OH, YEAH, BABY. NO, UH...

DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU NOT TO ARGUE WITH WOMEN?

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TO ARGUE WITH WOMEN THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF. YOU AGREE, RIGHT?

WHAT? YOU FEEL IT, TOO.

YOU DEFINITELY DO. DEFINITELY DO NOT FEEL THAT.

TOM!

HE HAS A KEY. I HAVE HIS KEY.

IS THAT TOM?

NOT UNLESS HE'S IN "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE."

IT'S HEATHER.

NO OFFENSE, BUT IS THIS AN ALCOHOL CENTER?

NO, I ASSURE YOU I DO NOT AND HAVE NEVER PAID FOR SEX.

YOU TWO GOTTA GO. TAKE TOM OUT FOR DINNER.

WE WERE HERE FIRST.

HEATHER BUMPKIN, COME IN.

YOU ARE DELICIOUS.

THANK YOU. DARK AS THE DAY IS LONG.

LET'S ALL HAVE DINNER TOGETHER.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

NO.

SEE, THESE GIRLS ARE COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE.

YEAH, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

TOM!

HE HAS A KEY. I HAVE HIS KEY.

WHO LET YOU TWO IN HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? MY MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

RON D, YOU SENT ME A TEXT, YOU SAID I COULD USE THE MANSION TONIGHT.

NO, I NEVER SAID NOTHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT, ARE YOU ANOTHER ROOMMATE?

OH, THIS IS REBECCA, TOM'S "HAIR STYLIST" FRIEND.

OKAY.

HI, I'M TIFFANY. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HI. HI, GOOD.

OKAY, WELL, LOOK, SORRY, THERE'S BEEN SOME TYPE OF MISTAKE, SO YOU ALL GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE, MAN.

I GOT AN IMPORTANT DATE TONIGHT.

RON D, YOU SAID THAT I COULD HAVE THE MANSION.

MY MAN, YOU GOTTA GO.

TOM!

HE HAS A KEY. I HAVE HIS KEY, DUMB ASS.

WAIT, HOW DO YOU HAVE HIS KEY?

WHERE IS SUNDAY?

IT WILL BE JUST HERE IF YOU WAIT THREE MORE DAYS.

THIS IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. I NEED TO SEE SUNDAY IMMEDIATELY.

WAIT A SECOND. WE CAN'T DO THIS.

SHOULD WE CHECK IT OUT?

SHOULD WE CHECK IT OUT?

WELL, WE COULD GET A COFFEE AND AVOID THE RISK OF A RACIAL PROFILING CHARGE, OR WE COULD JUST PATRIOT ACT IT, IT'S YOUR CHOICE.

HMM, YEAH. LOTTA PAPERWORK.

IT'S PROBABLY JUST TAKE OUT.

BUT, UM, LET'S KEEP AN EYE ON THIS PLACE.

WE SAID JAMA'AH... THIS IS NOT THE WAY.

WE GAVE HIM THREE DAYS. THAT'S THREE DAYS THAT HE HAS IGNORED US.

IT IS DISRESPECTFUL AT THIS TIME.

I KNOW, BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTANDING OF OUR CULTURE.

LISTEN, IT IS IMPERATIVE I SEE SUNDAY IMMEDIATELY.

WHERE IS SHE? OKAY, LOOK, DR. ENGLISH?

SUNDAY IS NOT HERE. MAYBE SHE'S WITH J-MAN OR SOMETHING.

J-MAN? YEAH, THAT'S LIKE HER...

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

MR. JOHNSON, WHERE IS SUNDAY?

SHE'S UPSTAIRS.

SO, YOU'RE IN ON THIS, TOO? IN ON WHAT?

RON D, YOU SAID IT WAS COOL FOR ME TO GET THE MANSION TODAY, MAN.

I NEVER SAID THAT. OH, OH, JUST LIKE I SAID IT WAS OKAY FOR JUAN, TOO.

YOU DID. I DIDN'T, MAN.

LOOK, RIGHT HERE, SEE? SEE THE TEXT?

TEXTS DON'T LIE.

MAN, I DIDN'T SEND THAT SHIT.

WELL, SOMEBODY SENT IT.

WHO THE HELL SENT IT THEN? I DON'T KNOW.

OH, SHIT.

YOU GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

UH, UH, OPEN HOUSE.

OPEN HOUSE, MY ASS.

SIT DOWN.

OH, NO. WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

SISTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU LOOK FINE AS HELL IN THAT DRESS.

YOU GOT IT GOING ON, GIRL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON WITH YOU PEOPLE, BUT ALL OF YOU NEED TO LEAVE, BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE A PARTY! AH-HA!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, COME ON.

OH, HELL, NO.

GET BACK HERE!

WHAT THE FUCK?

I GOTTA CHANGE, MAN. IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT IN HERE.

ALL RIGHT, STAND OVER HERE AND... I'LL DO THAT.

HEY IT LOOKS... IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING IS GOING DOWN.

WAIT A SECOND.

SEE, THEY MUST LIVE HERE.

NO, THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE THEY LIVE HERE.

I BET YOU WOULD THINK I COULDN'T LIVE HERE.

YOU CAN'T.

ALL RIGHT, ONCE MORE AROUND THE BLOCK.

WHO THE HELL JUAN IS?

YOU ALL NEED TO GET OUTTA HERE.

YOU LEAVE... NO, NO, I WAS HERE...

I'LL GET IT.

WELL, LOOK, SO LISTEN. SO BEFORE YOU START JUDGING MY WIFE... SHE'S A...

WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S... SHE'LL BE AT THE BAR. SHE'S OVER THERE...

OH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, SHE'S OVER HERE.

SHE'S OVER HERE.

BUT SEE... SHE'S ALSO MY BUSINESS MANAGER.

SO SHE DON'T HEAR NOTHIN' I SAY.

NO SERIOUSLY, IF SHE'S GONNA HEAR NOTHIN' I SAY...

WATCH THIS.

SARAH. BAE. BAE. GO ON, KILL YOURSELF.

BAE, GO KILL YOURSELF, GIRL. GO KILL YOUR DAMN SELF.

BAE, BAE!

BAE.

TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOW.

BAE! FOR REAL.

HEY. HEY, BAE, I LOVE YOU.

SO WHEN SHE FINALLY HEARD THIS BIT THAT I WAS CHEATING ON HER, AND HAVING AN AFFAIR, SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. LIKE, OH, THAT'S FUNNY.

AND WHAT WAS EVEN FUNNIER, IS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S THE TRUTH.

THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SHE SAID, "BOY, NOBODY WANTS YOUR BROKE ASS."

I TRIED TO DO A JOKE. I KILLED THEM.

THEY WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT.

DESTROYED THEM. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

THEY WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT. THEY WERE, LIKE, LOVE AND THEY HATED ME ALL IN THE SAME THING.

THEY COULDN'T HANDLE THAT.

OH, THE NEW JOKE?

UM... I WASN'T LISTENING.

WASN'T LISTENING.

OH, OKAY, WE GOTTA GO. I'VE GOT THE CASH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I WANT TO SEE THE NEXT ACT.

YOU ARE PERFORMING IN SAN FRANCISCO TOMORROW NIGHT, REMEMBER? YEAH.

WHICH MEANS WE HAVE TO GET UP EARLY...

OKAY, GRAB A DRINK. I'LL BE IN THE CAR.

ALL RIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE EDDIE DIDN'T WIN AN OSCAR FOR "LIFE."

OR "THE KLUMPS."

HEY, BAE.

WHEN AM I GOING TO SEE YOU?

UH... NEXT WEEK.

YOU GOTTA DO BETTER THAN THAT.

I KNOW, OKAY, OKAY. NOW LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WAS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU WHEN I GOT BACK FROM SAN FRANCISCO, BUT IF YOU INSIST...

I RENTED A MANSION. MANSION?

YEAH.

CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE TIME.

WELL, FIVE MINUTES.

WELL, JUST GIVE ME AN HOUR, OKAY?

OH.

LET ME STRAIGHTEN UP A LITTLE BIT, AND I'LL TEXT YOU THE ADDRESS.

OKAY, DADDY. THERE YOU GO.

SEE? YOUR NAUGHTY SELF. I'LL SEE YOU IN AN HOUR, OKAY?

OKAY.

BAE, BAE, BAE.

DON'T EVEN THINK OF MAKING ME OPEN MY EYES.

I'M JUST GONNA GO TO THE COMEDY CLUB, I LEFT MY JACKET THERE. THEY JUST CALLED.

IDIOT.

MAYBE.


TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT, BRO.

WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING HERE, RON D?

HEY! SHH.

WHAT THE HELL ARE Y'ALL DOING HERE?

SHH. SHH.

HEY, LOOK, YOU THREE GOTTA GET UP OUTTA HERE.

MY GIRL'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE, I NEED TO SET UP.

YOU KNOW THAT. COMPANY!

HEY, BABE, WE HAVING POKER TODAY, BUT I'M GONNA RESCHEDULE.

IS THAT COOL WITH YOU?

ARE YOU HAVING A POKER MARATHON?

UH, NO, WE WAS JUST, UH... NO.

WE JUST KINDA WE CAME BY, YOU KNOW, SAY HELLO.

OH, WELL, IT'S NO BIG DEAL CAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE OFF ANYWAY, SO SEE YA LATER.

I'LL TEXT YA LATER. YEAH.

AREN'T YOU GONNA WALK ME TO THE DOOR?

OF COURSE, YES, I'M TAKING YOU THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

YEAH, BACK DOOR. BACK DOOR?

HEY, MAN, YOU ALL GOTTA LEAVE, MAN.

YOU GOTTA LEAVE, MAN. YOU GOTTA GO.

I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE, MAN, I HAVE A SURE THING, MAN.

COME ON, URKEL, YOU DON'T HAVE A SURE THING. URKEL?

YOU MIGHT WANNA BE CREMATED BECAUSE THERE WON'T BE ENOUGH REMAINS LEFT TO BURY.

YO, D, IS THIS GIRL THAT FINE? SHE'S THAT HOT?

DO BLACK MEN HANG LIKE ELEPHANTS?

SHE IS HOT.

THERE'S ACTUALLY TWO SPECIES OF ELEPHANTS. WHAT?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE HER HERE? HMM.

WAIT A MINUTE, J-MAN, WOULD YOU POSSIBLY CONSIDER OCCASIONALLY SUBLETTING THIS PLACE TO ME AND MY ALTER EGO?

YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S IT, I'M GONNA GET IN ON THE ACTION, GUYS.

I FEEL A LITTLE ALTER EGO COMING ON MYSELF.

I'M LIKE A SPIDER-MAN.

I'M SURE I CAN TALK TO THE OWNERS ABOUT LEASING THIS PLACE TO US.

YEAH? HOW MUCH FOR... THE THREE OF US?

FOUR.

WHAT? BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY ACTION ON THE SIDE.

WELL, TOM, YOU CAN COME HERE AND YOU CAN MASTURBATE AND WATCH PORN, YOU KNOW.

YOU HAVEN'T BANGED YOUR BARBER YET?

UH! I'M MARRIED, JUAN.

TO A WOMAN WHO WON'T LET YOU WATCH PORN OR JACK OFF, AND DOESN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH YOU, NOW WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

TOM, WE'RE... WE'RE ALL MARRIED, MAN.

YEAH, BUT... BUT I DON'T NEED TO. I'M HAPPILY MARRIED.

COME ON, GUYS.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WHO? CONTENTLY MARRIED?

OKAY. TOM.

I'M NOT MISERABLE.

WELL, OCCASIONALLY I'M NOT MISERABLE, YOU KNOW.

AND THAT'S MORE THAN MOST MARRIED GUYS CAN SAY.

OKAY, SO THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL STALKING THIS BARBER OF YOURS?

SHE IS WONDERFUL.

UH, AWESOME.

BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH. OKAY, SO LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

IF THIS WONDERFUL GIRL DECIDES TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE, WHERE YOU GONNA TAKE HER, TOM?

CAN'T GO HOME.

WELL, I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT THAT FAR IN ADVANCE.

SHE IS A BABE, TOM.

ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME WHY I HAD TO DRESS IN ALL BLACK?

SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, TOM?

MY WIFE. I MEAN, I DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT THIS.

YOU'RE LETTING YOUR TORTURED CATHOLIC UPBRINGING CLOUD YOUR SENSES.

I LOVE THE NEW POPE. YOU KNOW, HE'S SO PROGRESSIVE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. I WANT YOU TO FOCUS.

OKAY, I WANT YOU TO DO WHAT I SAY AND DO NOT THINK ABOUT IT.

I WANT YOU TO TELL HER THAT YOUR WIFE WAS JUST KILLED IN A HORRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT.

I MEAN, BLOOD EVERYWHERE, FIVE CAR PILE UP.

UNBORN BABY IS DEAD.

YOU'VE USED YOUR TEARS TO MASTURBATE FOR THE PAST FIVE DAYS.

WHAT? I CAN'T TELL HER THAT.

WELL, TOM, IT'S EITHER THAT OR YOU WALK IN THERE YOU TELL HER YOU'RE WITH THE MEN IN BLACK AND THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE THE WORLD IS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

UH, THAT'S EVEN WORSE. I CAN'T TELL HER ANY OF THAT STUFF.

IT WOULD HELP IF YOU WERE CRYING.

BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE CRYING.

CRY!

I'M SORRY! CRY, GODDAMNIT.

SORRY!

THAT WAS YOUR FUN.

WHAT'S UP, TOM?

YOU DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT, DO YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU OKAY?

MY WIFE... SHE WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD, TOM.

TOM, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY, I PROMISE. I'M SO SORRY.

CAN YOU FEEL THE SENSUALITY OF THE MUSIC?

LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOUR BODY.

NOW CONNECT AND SAY LOVERS.

JUAN! JUAN, I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

WELL, WHAT I DO NOW?

TELL HER YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

OH, RIGHT.

BUT THEN WHAT?

TOM, IS THE MANSION SET UP?

IT HAS TO LOOK LIKE YOU LIVE THERE. OH, RIGHT! RIGHT!

SORRY ABOUT TOM. WHO?


HONEY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEY.

WHERE'S MY PORTRAIT?

WELL, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT IT CRACKED AND I TOOK IT TO THE FRAMERS.

WHY?

UM... I WAS TRYING TO KILL A PANTRY MOTH, AND IT FELL AND CRACKED.

A PANTRY MOTH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I CAN'T HAVE PIECES OF BROKEN GLASS ON THE CARPET.

I ALREADY VACUUMED.

THAT'S IT. WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FUMIGATE.

FOR PIECES OF GLASS?

NO, PANTRY MOTHS.

IT WAS JUST ONE MOTH.

IT WAS JUST ONE THAT YOU SAW.

I GOT SOME EMAILS TO CHECK, THEN I'M GONNA GO TO BED.

OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD.

I'M GONNA DO A LITTLE READING, AND GO FOR A WALK.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT?

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR. GOOD NIGHT.


WHAT'S THAT? MMM.

WHAT?

I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE.

YOU DO? OKAY.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

HEY, HEY, GUESS WHAT? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I GOT A DATE TONIGHT. I HAD TO GET MY STUFF SET UP.

OH, NO! WHAT? WHY ARE WE WHISPERING?

BECAUSE I GOT A DATE RIGHT NOW. MY STUFF IS ALREADY SET UP.

DAMN. BUT I GOT A SURE THING. COME ON, YOU CAN'T HOOK ME UP?

OKAY, MY CLOTHES ARE DOWNSTAIRS. MEET ME DOWN THERE AND I GET DRESSED, OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

GREAT SEEING YOU, RON. OH, IT WAS GREAT SEEING YOU TOO, TOM.

THANK YOU ALL FOR HELPING ME STRAIGHTEN UP AROUND HERE.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM. YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HEY! HEY, HEY, BABE. HEY! IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ARMS OFF OF ME, I'M GONNA RIP IT OFF. SORRY!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE, BUT IF I GET HOME AND DUKE'S NOT THERE ASLEEP, I'M GONNA COME BACK HERE, AND I'M GONNA FUCK SOMEBODY UP.

OKAY, SEE YA.

HEY, WAIT. DON'T RUN!

MMM.

DO YOU WANT TO GO SWIM? HMM?

OR DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BEDROOM?

HEY, WHY DON'T WE START IN THE BEDROOM, COME BACK AND GET IN THE JACUZZI.

WE GONNA DO IT IN THE OVEN. HEY, WE GONNA DO IT EVERYWHERE.

OH, IT'S GONNA BE A PLEASURE TO.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE'LL EVEN DO IT IN THE GARBAGE CAN.

HEY, WE GONNA GET DIRTY TONIGHT.

OH, COME ON, SERIOUSLY. WE'LL GET DIRTY.

THERE I GOT IT.

NOW YOU CAN STOP COMPLAINING.

THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

WHY DO I HAVE TO GET OUTTA HERE? I OWN THE PLACE, DON'T FORGET YOUR MOMMY'S LASAGNA ON THE WAY HOME, OKAY, DEAR? OKAY, DAD.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I WAS REALLY HOPING REBECCA WOULD BE HERE.

YOU JUST MISSED HER.

WELL, WITH MY LUCK LATELY I'M NOT SURPRISED.

TOM.

I'M DONE PRACTICING IN A BIT. DO YOU WANNA HANG OUT?

WELL, YOU PROBABLY HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO.

NO, I INSIST.

THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE.

GLAD TO HELP.

I HOPE THIS DOESN'T SCREW UP ANYTHING BETWEEN YOU AND REBECCA.

OH, NO, SHE'S... SHE'S OPEN TO ANYTHING THAT GETS ME THROUGH THIS MOURNING PERIOD.

SHE'S SO UNDERSTANDING.

SHE'S AN ANGEL.

BUT... BUT I... BUT I DON'T THINK... I DON'T... I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD SAY ANYTHING TO HER.

I AGREE.

NOTHING.

WELL, I'LL JUST TAKE DOWN YOUR NUMBER.

I CUT MEN'S HAIR RIGHT NOW.

I'M SURE DOGS WOULD LIKE THE SAME THING, RIGHT?

YUP, THIS IS PRETTY EASY.

I'M SORRY, ONE SECOND.

MOTHERFUCKER.

I JUST SAW KATE.

TOM'S WIFE.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. SHE'S DEAD.

NO, NO, NO. I AM REALLY, REALLY GOOD WITH FACES, AND IT WAS HER.

YOU'VE ONLY SEEN THAT ONE PHOTO OF HER ON THE NIGHTSTAND.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PHOTO?

YOU TOLD ME ABOUT IT.

YEAH, YOU SAID, UH, HE WRAPPED IT IN A BLACK RIBBON?

I GOT A PICTURE OF HER LICENSE PLATE.

WHAT? DO YOU KNOW A GUY?

I GOT A GUY AT DMV.

I'M GONNA HAVE HIM RUN IT FOR US.

SO I SLAM DUNKED IT AND WE WON THE GAME.

NO WAY! YEAH.

THAT'S AWESOME.

WELL, I... I GUESS I'M KINDA AWESOME.

SO, PAUL, YOU GOT A NAME FOR ME?

KATE WHITE.

KATE WHITE. GOT IT.

THANKS, DOLL.

WHAT A SICK FUCKING BASTARD!

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID THIS TO ME.

I MEAN... I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID THIS TO YOU.

YOU BEING MY BEST FRIEND.

HE IS GOING TO SO WISH HE NEVER MET ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHATEVER YOU'RE PLANNING, COUNT ME IN.

NOBODY DOES THIS TO ME.

I MEAN, TO MY FRIENDS.

YES? HI. I'M REBECCA.

AND I'M TIFFANY.

WE'RE TOM'S FRIENDS.

REALLY? HE NEVER MENTIONED YOU TWO BEFORE.

YEAH, MAYBE FRIEND ISN'T THE RIGHT WORD.

MAY I COME IN?

LOVERS!

HE TOLD ME YOU WERE DEAD. AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. SAME. I JUST FELT SORRY FOR HIM.

HE CAME IN CRYING AND THEN...

NEXT THING I KNOW WE WERE IN BED.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

HE HAS A PICTURE OF YOU ON A MANTLE.

MY PHOTO? DRAPED IN BLACK SILK.

WHERE'S MY PHOTO? IT'S AT THE MANSION.

WHAT MANSION?

WHERE'S THE MANSION?

IT'S... NEVER MIND.

I'M GONNA PUT HIS BALLS IN A MEAT GRINDER.

WE WANNA HELP.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

LET ME THINK.

OKAY.

HE WANTS ME DEAD, HUH?

OKAY, I'LL GIVE HIM DEAD.

WHERE'S THIS MANSION?

I KNOW WHERE THE BEDROOM IS.

WHAT? I DO.

HEY, DAD.

TOM.

JUST THE GUY I WANTED TO SEE.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, YOU?

YOU KNOW, TIFFANY TOLD ME ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU.

YOUR LITTLE RENDEZVOUS.

SHE DID?

IT'S OKAY. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS THINKING THAT, YOU KNOW, HER AND I COULD MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD TOGETHER.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH TWO WOMEN, TOM?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I MEAN, I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY A FEW TIMES, BUT THAT WAS BACK WHEN MY WIFE WAS ALIVE AND...

MM-HMM AND I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON HER.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

SHE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE.

SO TONIGHT?

YEAH, TONIGHT? YEAH.

DOES THAT WORK FOR YOU?

SURE.

I WOULD BRING LOTS OF PROTECTION.

SEE YOU TONIGHT THEN.

SO, THIS IS THE LOVE SHACK.

APPARENTLY.

THAT IS NOT MY SHADE.

HOW MANY WOMEN IS HE SLEEPING WITH?

BABY, YOU GO!

UH! WOW, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS SUCH A BIG MANSION.

AND I THOUGHT MY NEIGHBORS WERE ANNOYING.

LOOK, LET'S JUST CARRY ON WITH THE PLAN, CASANOVA COULD SHOW UP EARLY.

KATE. IT'S OKAY, I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OKAY, I'M GONNA GO GET IN POSITION.

GOOD. AND WE'RE ABOUT FIVE MINUTES FROM BEING SET UP.

WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

HERE ARE THE FAKE BLOOD POCKETS.

UH, IT'S IN A CONDOM.

GOD, WAS SHE ON HER PERIOD?

UGH!

LOOK, WHEN I START SHOOTING, SLAP IT ON YOUR CHEST, AND THEY'LL BURST OPEN.

BUT IT'S IN A CONDOM, AND I'M WEARING COCO CHANEL.

I'LL PAY FOR YOUR DRY CLEANING.

OKAY. I'M GONNA COME IN AND I'M GONNA YELL, "I HAVE A GUN."

AND THEN YOU GUYS GET THE BLOOD PACKS READY.

OKAY, GOT IT. OKAY, GOT IT.

WHAT'S THAT NOISE? DID SHE SAY SHE HAS A GUN?

WHO'S SHE? HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW. ALL I KNOW THIS MANSION IS JINXED.

FUCK! YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S GO HIDE IN HERE.

OKAY!

WHAT'S GOING ON, HONEY CHILD?

I'M LISTENING. GIVE ME A MINUTE.

THEY'RE HAVING AN ARGUMENT. WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE.

THE POLICE? REALLY? YES, THE POLICE.

OH, THIS IS REBECCA, THIS IS TOM'S "HAIR STYLIST" FRIEND.

HI, I'M TIFFANY. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HI. HI, GOOD.

LOOK, SORRY, THERE'S BEEN SOME TYPE OF MISTAKE, SO YOU ALL GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE, MAN.

I GOT AN IMPORTANT DATE TONIGHT.

RON D, YOU SAID I COULD HAVE THE MANSION.

MY MAN, YOU GOTTA GO.

TOM!

HE HAS A KEY. I HAVE HIS KEY, DUMB ASS.

WAIT, HOW DO YOU HAVE HIS KEY?

WHERE IS SUNDAY?

OKAY, LET'S FORGET IT. WE'RE NOT GONNA CALL THE POLICE.

WAIT A MINUTE, IS THAT DR. ENGLISH?

DR. WHO? DR. ENGLISH.

WAIT RIGHT HERE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LISTEN, IT IS IMPERATIVE I SEE SUNDAY IMMEDIATELY.

WHERE IS SHE? OKAY, LOOK, DR. ENGLISH?

SUNDAY IS NOT HERE. MAYBE SHE'S WITH J-MAN OR SOMETHING.

J-MAN?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

MR. JOHNSON, WHERE IS SUNDAY?

SHE'S UPSTAIRS.

SO, YOU'RE IN ON THIS, TOO? IN ON WHAT?

RON D, YOU SAID IT WAS COOL FOR ME TO GET THE MANSION TODAY, MAN.

I NEVER SAID THAT. OH, OH, JUST LIKE I SAID IT WAS OKAY FOR JUAN TO DO THAT, TOO, HUH?

YOU DID. I DIDN'T, MAN.

LOOK, RIGHT HERE, SEE? SEE THE TEXT?

TEXTS DON'T LIE.

SO, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, SO I GOT ONE DATE, RIGHT?

HUH?

WELL, WILL WAS RIGHT. GIRLS OF THE WORLD AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT TROUBLE.

HEY! I'M GOING FOR A WALK.

I'M OUT.


SHE'S UPSTAIRS. SHE'S UPSTAIRS, SO YOU ON THIS, TOO?

IN ON WHAT, RON D? YOU SAID IT WAS COOL FOR ME TO HAVE THE MANSION TODAY, BRO.

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

LIKE I SAID, JUAN CAN STAY HERE, TOO, HUH?

YOU DID! SEE, LOOK, RIGHT HERE.

IT'S IN THE TEXT. TEXTS DON'T LIE.

MAN, I DIDN'T SEND THAT SHIT.

WHO THE HELL SENT IT? I DON'T KNOW.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE THE WAY.

COME ON, HE'S A HUMAN BEING. WE CAN'T DO THIS HERE, JAMAAL.

WAIT A SECOND. WE CAN'T DO THIS.

SAMYA, WE SAID JAMA'AH... THIS IS NOT THE WAY.

SO WE GAVE HIM THREE DAYS.

THAT'S THREE DAYS THAT HE HAS IGNORED US.

IT IS DISRESPECTFUL AT THIS TIME.

I KNOW, BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTANDING OF OUR CULTURE.

I WILL NOT HAVE THIS.

PLEASE, GIVE HIM ONE MORE CHANCE.


ARE YOU EXPECTING SOMEONE?

NOT REALLY. NOT REALLY?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BABY, THAT'S MY P.O.

JUST TELL 'EM I'LL PISS IN THE CUP LATER, BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR ME. SHH.

I JUST HOPE YOU NOT PREGNANT, BECAUSE HOW WOULD I EXPLAIN THAT.?

SALAM. SALAM, I'M SORRY, MY SISTER.

OH, JAMAAL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHO IS THIS MAN? UH, THIS IS RON D.

RON, MY BROTHER, JAMAAL.

HEY, MAN.

HEY.

YOU MARRIED WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?

NO, NO, NO! WE'RE NOT MARRIED.

WHAT? DEFILER!

COVER YOURSELF, SISTER.

AND YOU, COME FORWARD!

LOOK, JAMAAL. IT'S DIFFERENT HERE.

IT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CULTURE.

UM, RON D'S ACTUALLY MY PARTNER.

PARTNER!

DO YOU LIE WITH THIS MAN?

RON D?

YOUR SILENCE HAS ANSWERED MY QUESTION.

RON D, YOU MUST CHOOSE TO DO HONOR TO MY FAMILY, OR SUFFER THE FATE OF AN INFIDEL.

THE FATE OF A DEFILER.

YOU MUST MARRY SAMYA BEFORE JAMAAL.

BEFORE JAMAAL... WHO THE HELL IS JAMAAL?

THAT'S FRIDAY.

OKAY, OKAY, SO WHAT IF I DECIDED TO BE THIS... DEFILER?

REGRETFULLY YOU BOTH WILL BE STONED TO DEATH.

YOU HAVE UNTIL JAMA'AH TO DECIDE.

WAIT, JAMAAL!

HOLD ON, SO HE'S JAMAAL? SOME OTHER DUDE NAMED JAMAAL?

WHAT'S... WHAT'S? COME ON, THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

EVERYTHING IS FUNNY TO ME. DON'T BE A JERK.

EVERYTHING IS FUNNY TO ME. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE ARRIVING SO SOON.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL JAMAAL IS.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT MY FAMILY.

I HAD NO IDEA THEY WOULD BE ARRIVING SO SOON.

THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA SAY?

SO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU KNEW THE ADDAMS FAMILY WAS GONNA ATTACK ME, AND YOU DIDN'T WANNA WARN ME?

ADDAM'S FAMILY?

NOW YOU'RE GOING TO INSULT MY FAMILY?

OKAY, OKAY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THEY'RE A LITTLE STRANGE, RIGHT?

STRANGE? WELL, MAYBE THEY'RE JUST NOT WHAT YOU'RE USED TO.

WHAT I'M USED TO... BAE, YOUR BROTHER THREATENED TO STONE US TO DEATH IN THREE DAYS.

I'M NOT EVEN MAKING THAT UP. I COULDN'T EVEN PUT THAT IN MY STAND-UP.

LOOK, OKAY, EVERYBODY, LISTEN, LISTEN.

MY WOMAN AND I ARE GOING THROUGH THIS LITTLE PROBLEM.

HER FAMILY'S GONNA STONE US TO DEATH IN THREE DAYS, AND WE TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR.

WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

OKAY, BAE, BAE, LISTEN. LISTEN, STONING TO DEATH...

I'M JUST... I GUESS I'M OUTTA MY LEAGUE.

SO WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST WE DO?

WELL, WE NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT OUR FUTURE.

BUT I'VE BEEN FEELING THAT WE ARE HEADING TOWARDS MARRIAGE.

UNLESS I'M IMAGINING.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I LOVE YOU.

I REALLY DO. THEN WHY WE DON'T TELL TO MY FAMILY THAT WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED?

OH, BAE. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GUESS THERE'S NO GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU THIS AND...

I AM SORRY, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

ARE YOU MARRIED?

OH, MY GOD.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, BUT IT'S COMPLICATED.

COMPLICATED?

WELL, I'M SORRY TO COMPLICATE YOUR LIFE.

NO, NO. I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT. LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.

LOOK AT ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

HEY, LISTEN. FOCUS. LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME.

ALL RIGHT?

LOOK, I LOVE YOU, I REALLY DO, BUT I'M IN A VERY BAD MARRIAGE, WHERE UNFORTUNATELY MY WIFE... LOOK AT ME!

IS MY BUSINESS MANAGER.

SO I HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL ON HOW I NOT END MY CAREER, BY ENDING THIS MARRIAGE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

THEN YOU HAVE JUST THREE DAYS OR YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE STONED TO DEATH.

THEN I'LL SEE HOW THAT COMPLICATION DO TO YOUR CAREER.

NATALIA.

LISTEN...

YOU ALREADY HAVE A NUMBER ONE WIFE.

THIS IS UNFORTUNATE.

THE DOWRY FOR A NUMBER ONE WIFE IS A GOLD BULLION WORTH VERY MUCH MONEY ON TODAY'S COMEX GOLD INDEX.

DOWRY FOR NUMBER TWO WIFE, EH, NOT SO GOOD.

NUMBER TWO WIFE? DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

I'M TRYING... I MEAN, ME, YOU AND HER IS A LEGAL THREESOME.

TO DEATH DO US PART, BAE. I MEAN, JAMAAL, FINISH.

IN THREE DAYS WE OBSERVE JAMA'AH, THEN WE PROCEED WITH A WEDDING OR A STONING.

THIS WILL BE YOUR DECISION.

HEY, MAN, GO HOME. BUT NOW LET ME ASK YOU THIS, SO WHAT IS THE DOWRY FOR A SECOND WIFE?

I'M JUST ASKING. JAMAAL, THAT'S MY DUDE.

THE NEXT BOTTOM CAMEL AND 1000 POUNDS OF GENETICALLY ENGINEERED COTTON SEED FOR YOUR FARM.

OH, I DON'T HAVE A FARM. I JUST SMOKE IT.

I DON'T... I DON'T... I DON'T GROW IT, BUT...

WHY DON'T WE JUST HIT THIS PEACE PIPE AND CALL IT EVEN, MAN.

SAMYA.

I'M GOING TO TALK TO RON.

JAMA'AH IS NOW OVER. YOUR RON D MUST DECIDE.

I'M GOING TO LET YOU KNOW AS SOON AS HE GIVES HIS ANSWER.

NO NEED. WE ALL GO TOGETHER.

WELL, NO! WAIT, WAIT. IS THE REASON I GO BY MYSELF.

YALLA, YALLA, PUT THE STONES IN THE MINIVAN AND CALL THE OTHERS.

HE'S CRAZY.

THIS IS NOT THE WAY. WE SAID JAMA'AH...

WE GAVE HIM THREE DAYS.

THAT'S THREE DAYS THAT HE HAS IGNORED US.

IT IS DISRESPECTFUL AT THIS TIME.

I KNOW, BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTANDING OF OUR CULTURE.

I WILL NOT HAVE THIS.

PLEASE, GIVE HIM ONE MORE CHANCE.

WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Y'ALL NEED TO GET OUTTA HERE.

NO, NO, NO. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

OH, SEE, NOW I GOTTA DEAL WITH THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

HOW MANY WIVES YOU HAVE?

THOSE AREN'T MY WIVES.

BUT YOU CAN HAVE THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

SHE'LL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. IT'S ALL YOU.

PUT THE STONES OVER THERE, AND BE READY.

YOU REALLY THROW STONES.

YOU REALLY THROW STONES.

IT IS NOW TIME, RON D, FOR YOUR DECISION.

ALL RIGHT, NATALIA, I LOVE YOU.

I TRULY DO.

SO, WILL YOU DO THE HONOR OF BEING MY SECOND WIFE?

JUST FOR NOW.

JUST UNTIL YOU CAN BE MY FIRST WIFE.

AND I PROMISE WHEN YOU CAN, YOU WILL BE.

ALL RIGHT? COME ON.

OKAY?

I PROMISE.

OKAY.

WELL, WHAT DO WE DO? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

PRINCE A LITTLE BABA'S GONNA STONE US IF YOU TELL HIM TO LEAVE.

TOM! GO GET THE DOOR!

THE WAY THIS DAY IS GOING, I DOUBT IT, BUT I MIGHT AS WELL CONTINUE MY HOSTESS DUTIES.

WELL, HELLO, TOM.

HELLO THERE.

WELCOME.

TOM, WELCOME TO THE PARTY.

WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND. WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?

IT'S A PARTY, DUDE.

A PARTY DUDE? WHO'S THE PARTY DUDE?

YOU'RE THE PARTY DUDE.

OKAY, WHATEVER, MAN.

REBECCA, I'M SO SORRY. I DON'T KNOW... I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

IT'S OKAY. I LIKE YOUR FRIENDS, TOM.

YOU SEE THAT?

YOU MEAN THE BABE OR THE GUN?

NOW WE NEED TO INVESTIGATE.

LET'S GO.

THIS IS CRAZY, MAN.

ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL? WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW?

WE TOTALLY WORK IN A SALON. RON D, HE TEXTED ME.

HE SAID I WAS GONNA...

WHOA, WAIT, COME ON NOW.

WHO'S AT THE DAMN DOOR? RIDICULOUS.

WHO ARE YOU?

COUSIN, YOU'RE LATE.

HOW'S, UH...

KATE! KATE!

OH. KATE?

OH, SHIT.

I'M SO SORRY, KATE. I DIDN'T MEAN FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN.

YEAH. SORRY.

SO YOU WANT ME DEAD?

THIS MAN CHEAT ON YOU?

YES, BUT IT ALL ENDS NOW.

PUT GUN DOWN. WE HAVE STONES.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

LET'S SEE HOW MUCH SYMPATHY YOU GET FROM TWO DEAD MISTRESSES.

FREEZE! EVERYONE ON YOUR KNEES.

HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD.

YOU, ON YOUR KNEES NOW. I KNEEL FOR NO MAN.

I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY.

YOU BETTER BE IMMUNE TO LEAD POISON!

DOWN ON YOUR KNEES!

COUSIN, OUR FAMILY HAS BEEN INSULTED.

WHAT THE FUCK? STOP THAT.

I SAID, FUCKING STOP THAT!

OFFICERS BEING ATTACKED! WE NEED BACKUP!

SEND BACKUP! I SAID FUCKING STOP THAT!

I SAID FREEZE!

SO I LOOKED AT HER AND I JUST SAID, "FUCK YOU."

OH! WHAT ELSE CAN YOU SAY?

NOTHING. WHAT ELSE CAN YOU SAY?

NOTHING, RIGHT? IT'S OVER.

IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER.


HELP! HELP! DISABLED...

OH, GOD.

THANK YOU, LADIES. YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

ARE YOU OKAY? I'M OKAY, YEAH.

I'M OKAY NOW. THANKS.

GOTTA PUT MY LEG DOWN. ARE YOU SURE?

I'M ALL RIGHT, YEAH.


HEY, YO, GIRL, YOU LIKE CAVIAR? YOU LIKE SIZZLER?

I'M GONNA BUY YOU A DENNY'S.

ROLLING FATTIES, SMOKING BLUNTS.

MAN, SHE WANTED TO SUCK MY DICK, BACKWARDS.

LIKE, DUH-DOOP, DUH-DOOP, DUH-DOOP.

YEAH, LIKE BENT IT OVER, THOUGH, A FEW TIMES.

LIKE JUICY-J? ANAL. LIKE ANAL.

FUCK, I WAS GONNA TAKE HER TO THE $1 DISCOUNT STORE, BUY HER SOME TRINKETS.

AND THEN? AND INSERT MY PENIS INSIDE OF HER.

SOFTLY. WITH THE ONE DOLLAR CONDOM?

ACTION!

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF.

YOU GUYS FEEL THE SAME WAY? UH, NO!

YEAH, YOU DO. I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.

I CAN DEFINITELY SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

IS THAT TOM?

NOT UNLESS HE'S IN "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE."

IT'S REBECCA.

I'M REBECCA, IDIOT. FUCK IT!

HEY, BABE, IF THAT'S ELVIS, YOU'RE SEEING GHOSTS. RUN!

OR IT'S THOSE SHROOMS I GAVE YOU.

HEY, BAE, WHILE YOU UP, GIVE ME A SUNKIST AND SHAKE IT UP!

YOU KNOW I LIKE IT FIZZY, GIRL.

HEY, BAE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

SINCE YOU UP, YOU GOT A MINUTE, WHY DON'T YOU GO TO MCDONALD'S?

BAE, GET THE DOOR! IT'S DOMINO'S!

SAY, BAE? BAE? WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND PUT ON THAT BIG BIRD SUIT?

YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT "SESAME STREET" ROLE PLAY.

I DON'T KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT "SESAME STREET."

YEAH, COME BACK DRESSED AS KERMIT THE FROG.

NAH, I CAN'T SAY THAT.