The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys (2002) Script

Tell me again why we're doing this.

Homework, Francis.

The future's built on it. Right.

hey, give me some of that before you kill it. you know, last chug is 89% backwash.

here? no. you're too close. move a foot back. okay. all right. that's it. don't move.

hey, Leatherface? what? can you really use that thing? what did you say? can you really use that thing? i don't know. can you really triangulate?

seems like the perfect spot for deciding what you really want in life. my own comic book. bigger than anything that marvel or d.c. has. no. i'm talking about what you really want right now, like revenge on the one-legged bitch in black and white.

Margie Flynn! shit! shit!

i knew it.

Margie Flynn.

ah, stupid!


hmm! aah!

hey, guys. excuse me. coming through here. excuse me, excuse me. hello.

aah! aah! hah! aah! aha! huh!

man: Body of Christ.

are you with me here, altar boy?

Body of Christ.


Body of Christ. Amen.

Body of Christ.

Body of Christ.


Body of Christ.


Body of Christ. Amen.

"you're so sweet. i think about you a lot, too." it's the "too" that gets me. that means she knows i was thinking about her, right? how would she know that? your obvious boner. you know what? give me that. no. why? why, you gonna do something about it? what are you checking out my ass for? take the damn note, then. bzz! but how would she know? well, maybe it's 'cause you wrote her a note. i didn't write her a note. actually, you're right. you wrote her a poem. well, she tried to kill herself, so you know she's gotta love poetry, like sylvia plath or William Blake, probably. what are you talking about? you wrote her a note? no, asshole, it was a poem... with a note at the end.

Jesus Christ! hey, guys. hey. good morning, fellas. good morning. get lucky last night, you guys? yeah!

so, is anyone going with Donny Flynn's sister that you know of? who, Margie? why? you think you're gonna get something off her? oh, not me. stan lee over here. well, i kissed her, like, two years ago. two years? what was she then, like, 8 years old? old enough. i mean, she uses her tongue. bullshit! whatever. i mean, the girl was hungry and i got some tongue.

girl: i forgot my homework. okay.

"the Atomic Trinity." hey, check it out. oh, cool. Captain Asskicker. that's really good. he's kicking the shit out of someone. what's this shit over here? that's the shit he just kicked out of him, numb nuts. ohh! that's disgusting. that's really cool. thanks. i'm not serious. wait till you see this. i spent all night on it. watch.

you spent all night on that? yeah. what is it? it's Major Screw going at it with the Evil Warrior babe. going at what?

69. oh, that 69. that looks more like...47? okay... whatever. check this out. i got some new stuff. this is Miss September. oh, wow! oh, my goodness. you draw a great butt. thank you. you do. nice. this is Assumpta... flogging Casey. all right! and this is the Atomic Trinity wasting a guy. yeah! i like that.

Asskicker. yeah, but... i thought we were gonna change the name 'cause there's 4 of us now. shut up, Joey. you don't count. the guy's got a point. well, what about you? you haven't done shit on this thing. i haven't done shit? no, you have not. okay, um, let me show you something here. let me educate you a little bit. look at this.

Tim Sullivan, the editor. behind every great book is a great editor. but what's an editor do? yeah? um, basically, he tells you if you suck, and, wade, you suck.

suck? well, he doesn't make any sense, all right?

Agatha... all: good morning.

woman: and hear us, oh, Lord, as we pray...

...for Dottie Baker's safe recovery from Tonsillitis. for Keith Bloom and his family, as they mourn the loss of his grandmother, Irene. and let us pray, o Lord, for the Sullivans, as they seek to rebuild their holy marriage after struggles with alcohol, adultery, and separation.

mr. Sullivan... when we asked you to repeat sixth grade two years ago, we hoped that it would give you Time to find maturity, to get you through a difficult period at home. now, i'm sure that you can find the maturity now to join us in a prayer for your family. o Lord, we ask all these things in your name. all: Amen. math. yesterday, i asked you to find a practical use for your new measuring skills-- triangulation. has everyone done their homework?

all right, boys! spread it out! i want to see some positions! bet you'd love to say that to Margie, huh? shut up. that's her, isn't it? she's right there. wait, isn't that her? man: shoot, Flynn! shoot! lucky save, Sullivan. lucky? no, i don't think that was lucky. you shoot like your little sister over there. man: Sullivan! now i'm gonna go this way. or should i go this way?

Sullivan, it's not a dance class. how about this? how about this?

Jesus h. Christ! sorry, father. what does the "h" stand for?

give me the ball, anderson. free kick-- white.

Donny Flynn, back to midfield!

father: all right, you're bunching up. you're bunching up. come on, now. quit bunching up. okay, you can go talk to her now. go ahead. i got ya. what are you waiting for? she wants you. she loved your poetry. you are such an asshole, Sullivan. i guess i'm gonna have to do it myself. hey, Margie? shut up!


Doyle, what are you doing? nothing, father. well, do nothing on the bench.

yeah, yeah. go do nothing on the bench.

Father: who's on him? who's on him?

Boy: come on, that was a foul!


Man: cut the ball hogging! boy: get it!

Man: Walter, you're toeing the ball.

Father: watch the offsides! hi. hi. look, uh, i didn't send that note. an ex-friend of mine did it as a joke. oh. i just wanted you to know i didn't send it. i didn't think you did. well, i didn't.

i'm real sorry. i mean, if i sounded mean just then. i was only mad about the joke. it's okay. thanks for being honest, Francis.

i think about you all the time. it... keeps me awake at night. i guess you must think that is really creepy.

do some penalty kicks. uh, what about this, father? put it behind your back. you'll be fine. hey, that poem i didn't write-- there's no dirty stuff in it, is there?

"Margie, Margie, burning bright, "in the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye dared frame thy perfect symmetry?"

that sounds about right. so, you're into William Blake? uh...yeah. see ya. bye.

hey. what's up, my friend?

i'll get this. all right. i got the new "swamp thing" now. oh, yeah? oh, yeah!

"mirror monster." tripped me out, man. yeah? oh, yeah. cool. thanks. yeah. yeah, Major Screw would kill this guy to death. yeah, but Major Screw's weird, man. i mean, when he's fighting, he's screwing guys.

Captain Asskicker-- he kicks ass, but-- but Major Screw-- he-- he's screwing guys. no, no. it's not like a screw. it's more like a drill. like it'll spin. like, get up and just like-- just like go down on people-- he goes down on people? that's sick. that's disgusting, man. i'll just read my comic book, then. how about that? good idea. guys? we should do a story... with different episodes. yeah, we can have one where, uh... toilet paper man meets Captain Asswipe.

Captain Asskicker, asshole. seriously, maybe the first one should feature your guy. mm, nah. see, i'm not sure about the muscle. come on, i got him all worked out. well, see, the thing is, i kind of want someone who's stripped to their core. like a skeleton or something. a skeleton? yeah. it sounds kind of wimpy. well, he's not, though. see, a skeleton can't be killed. so he's all bone and no bullshit. yeah, but a skeleton's also dickless. he's all bone and no skin. no skin means no dick. just like you. that's not true, guys, 'cause there is a bone in your penis. that's why they call it a boner. yeah-- oh, you're right! you're right, Joey. shut up! ah! what was that for? you're an idiot. moron. anyway, if we're gonna have a story, then we've got to have a bad guy. so who's gonna be the bad guy?


kneel and pray, boys.


let's kick some ass! aah! ugh!

aah! yeah!

let's waste 'em!

ugh! aah!

out of the street, dummy!

come back, Bitch! later, loser!

who are you? i'm Sorcerella. this is my kingdom. ha! you call this dump a kingdom?

Peg Leg and her evil horde destroyed it. this sacred sword must be united with the Pearl of Wisdom. only then will my world be restored to life. where is this Pearl? in there, guarded by Peg Leg. that's why i need your help.

who's your girlfriend? i don't have a girlfriend. oh.

dinner's ready. based on the body, i'd guess Farrah Fawcett-Majors. based on the face, though, i'd say the Flynn girl.

thank you. so, you decided to join us? yeah.

let's pray. bless us, o Lord, with these, Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen. all: Amen.

* someone's singing, my Lord *

* Kumbaya *

* someone's singing, my Lord *

* Kumbaya * look at this. it's incredible.

He wrote it, he drew it, he printed it.

He did whatever he wanted. listen to this.

"The nakedness of woman is the work of God."

* Kumbaya *

* someone's praying, my Lord * now, see how his painting describes his writing?

* someone's praying, my Lord *

* Kumbaya * "This is the marriage of Heaven and Hell."

* oh, Lord, Kumbaya *

* someone's crying, my Lord * there's no writing on this one. is that God triangulating? yeah, probably. show me whatever that is. it's my dad's, Sister. William Blake. a little advanced, Mr. Sullivan, don't you think? um, not really, Sister. it's written simply enough for a 6-year-old. so are the instructions for a handgun.

Blake is a very dangerous thinker. now give it to me. you should forgive him that, Sister, 'cause he was a genius. give it to me.

Sullivan, front of the bus.

* someone's singing, my Lord *

* Kumbaya *

* someone's singing, my Lord *

* Kumbaya *

* someone's singing, my Lord *

* Kumbaya * woman: yeah, that's a very thoughtful question. the head of the sexually aroused adult gobbler can change into a variety of shades of red, white, and blue. yeah, it's a patriotic bird. in fact, it was supposed to be the bird of our nation until the, uh, bald eagle got the most votes. yeah. that's it for the turkeys.

oh, ho! we're in luck today. he's just been fed. it's not often that he's out like this, where we can see him so well. some folks call them cougars, or panthers. different name, same mountain lion. yeah, they used to rule this country. they're, uh, not much use to us and our technological world, but, uh, then again, we're not much use to... the lady's smoked a few joints in her life.

Woman: people killed them because they were dangerous.

Tim: that animal sees something in me. yeah, lunch. woman: ...automobiles, nuclear plants and all. yeah. any questions? do you think an animal like that has a soul? we're taught that they don't. that's a very thoughtful question. i don't know. i do know that they're incapable of sin. even when an animal kills, it's in innocence. all right, back to the bus. come along. hey, look at that. he seems to be tracking our teacher, Sister Assumpta. is that because she's moving, or-- or is it possible that he's locked on to her particular scent or something? that's a very thoughtful question. predators have a variety of ways that they can just hone in on their prey and then just-- take them out. like that. yeah, all we got to do is capture the cougar and put it in Assumpta's office. why? because she's gonna think she's been tracked. she's gonna wet her wimple. wimple? what's that?

Jesus! you don't know what a wimple is? the cops would just shoot it. the cops aren't gonna shoot it. it's an endangered species. we could get in serious trouble, man. serious trouble beats serious boredom. you want to move a 200-pound cougar from here to school? mm-hmm. how are we gonna do that? yeah.

that's a very thoughtful question.

so, you're interested in souls and stuff? souls and stuff? you asked the ranger? i mean-- i mean, i like your question. oh, yeah. thanks.

do want to meet me tomorrow night after dinner? tomorrow night? yeah. where? i don't know. Assumpta: find your partner. the oak tree on castle street? okay. come on, you two.

those pinheads-- i thought they were cool. but the best part was the siamese twins. i mean, she was making out with that one guy, and then the Sister felt... that was really cool. hey, you guys, i found something that feels just like the real thing. yeah, really? yeah. a warm washcloth and lots of soap. i tried that beating-off crap once. oh, just once, wade? yeah, just once...asshole.

Tim: all right, i'm thinking blowgun. now, i can tag the cat with an anesthetic dart. no? all right, does anyone else have an idea? where would you get that kind of anesthetic? uh, probably a drug store. a drug store? well, what about the fence? wire cutters. we can just cut a flap in the chain link, and we can just pull it through. nah. it'll be too obvious the thing was stolen. i thought that the whole point was to make Assumpta think it tracked her back to school. well, we can just put the chain link back. no, Tim. we're gonna take the cat over the fence. can you dig it? oh, i can dig it.

more-- more in this one. hey, hey, hey. lining 'em up, lining 'em up.

Francis...and Joey. i'm cutting you off. you've had a little bit too much. you're not getting your cigarette, then. sorry, man. i'm tending bar here. relax. you can see her nipples. that's the point of the magazine. dude, what are you doing? i forgot it was your dad's. i'm sorry.

we had hoped that you would help join us in prayer for your family. or that. wait, wait. like-- whoa!


hey, Joey, didn't you say something about a rag with soap? yeah. looks like i found your girlfriend, big guy. come here, you got a date. whoo!

thank you and good night! check it out.

101 ways to kill a nun.

i am a sick monkey. yes, you are.

Tim: you guys up for a delicious treat?

Anchovies! that's disgusting. it'll rid you of the booze breath.

Joey, you're first. i hate these things. oh, you love 'em. hey, Francis, you don't go anywhere. you're gonna need one of these. no, thanks. really? you gonna live dangerously? something like that.

where the hell's he going? ugh! thanks. they're disgusting. oh...

Margie: Francis. hey. hey. so, you want to go someplace? i know a place. yeah. okay. come on.

so, we stole a couple of valiums from Jimmy's mom and put them in the communion wine.

Father Casey didn't get to the end of the mass that morning. he just nodded off.

God, that's such a freak-out. yeah. that was one of Tim's crazy ideas. those are the only kinds of ideas Tim has.

Tim. he's the one that sent me the poem, isn't he? right. but... but it didn't turn out to be too crazy, did it? nope.

it's this way.

what is this place? oh, i used to take piano lessons here when i was younger. i sucked. but it's been empty for a while.

i think it's like film or records, you know-- stuff that takes an imprint. well, wouldn't it be so cool if a person's spirit was so strong it could just leave an imprint behind? hard to see, but it's there, you know? yeah. like those japanese people whose shadows got burned onto the walls by the atom bomb. well, maybe i should believe in ghosts, then.

my house is sort of haunted. there was this woman who died there before my family bought it, and... sometimes, i wake up and i see her come in. she sort of just hangs out at the foot of my bed. do you get scared? no.

do you think i'm crazy?

when you look at me... i can hardly breathe.

your heart's so loud. yeah? my lips are numb.

no, they aren't.

we should go soon. i gotta get home. hey, next time, bring some of whatever you've been drinking.

you ready? yes.

hang on.

where do you guys come from?

We're outcasts. We don't belong anywhere.

cozy ride? well, once we've accomplished our mission and the sword is back with the Pearl, My kingdom will be restored and this could be your home. who cares? let's go get Peg Leg. i feel like kicking a nasty habit.

Time to swing into action.

i'm not asking you "did you feel her up?" or "did you see her tits?" those are Wade questions.

you gotta tell me about this, man. i suck with girls. don't even tell those guys i'm seeing her, all right? anything you tell me about Margie stays right here. honest. like i said, it was great. she's great. come on, get your ass over here. help me with this.

so... did you feel her up? let's take this thing for a test run.

Francis: man, she's really heavy. yeah, i know. you said she was hollow. i did? let's pull her, okay? all right.

oh, shit! hold on, man. come on.

we got it.

Shit! oh!

Ugh! oh, shit! SHIT!

what are you doing?

Assumpta: Mary, Full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art Thou among women. blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus.


a little lower. oh, shit. oh, shit! oh, sh-- what's with them?

it's Father Casey. shit.

oh, shit! shit! shit! shit! just hold on. what do you think i'm doing? shh!

come on. he's gone.

Sister, i'm sorry about interrupting your devotions. i was almost done, Father. we should put her back.

What? we're blown, man. come on, let's pull. no way. no.

Ugh! we're gonna have to drop her, then.

you're not gonna do that whole stack tonight, are you, Sister? well, i have to keep on top of it every day, or by tomorrow, there'll be twice as much damage.

Shit. can't you just anchor the rope or something? yeah, okay. you sit here and relax, and i'll go anchor it for you. could tie it to your dick if you want. they're my children. bright bunch. okay. you're right. let's drop her. but it's a troubled world out there. on the count of three. and i'm here to make sure that they're ready for it.

1, 2, 3!

what are you doing? just as i planned.


i burned the skin off my hands. i can barely curl my fingers now. there goes your sex life. shut up. to Agatha. to Agatha.

Tim: i'm telling you, the whole world is stupider than we are. it'll be weeks before anyone notices she's gone. weeks. this is an insult... not only to the school... but to the spirit of Saint Agatha herself, whose rueful martyrdom at pagan hands is deserving of reverence... not desecration.

so, tonight we should get something that'll knock out the cougar. tonight? i can't tonight. tomorrow night...maybe. what is this, four nights in a row now?

well, i'm no expert, so you gotta tell me. how many days is this gonna take? another one. see you.

what's in that again?

Bourbon and Gin...



White wine, Frangelico... whenever my dad opens a bottle, i skim some... for emergencies. so, am i an emergency? kind of.

you know, you're... you're all i think about. so you don't think about Wade, huh? he claims he kissed you, i mean, like, when you were 12.

does that... bother you a lot? no. not too much.


'cause i've done a lot of stuff worse than that. what?

you'd hate me. no fooling. that's why i tried to kill myself. what?

i used to let Donny do things to me. you know? everything. who's Donny?

Donny...your brother?

He did it a lot of times. i was just confused. then i started feeling sick and i couldn't sleep. i even felt like i was possessed or something.

i guess i'll go to hell about twice over. i don't believe there is a hell.

i gotta go.

look, i'm just gonna stay here for a while.


woman on tv: good afternoon. Mr. Kitzmiller's office.

good afternoon. Mr. Kitzmiller's office. well, he's not in at the moment.

Mr. Duckery...

Mr. Scalisi...

Mr. Gibbney, Mr. Flynn...

Mr. Doyle... and, of course, Mr. Sullivan. the rest are dismissed.

I am very disappointed that the statue has not been returned. and i would like to ask for your boys' help in this matter. now, i'm not saying that any of you are responsible for this.

Mr. Scalisi, you're more of a-- of a talker than a doer.

Mr. Doyle, you're more of a follower than a leader.

Mr. Sullivan... well, frankly, i don't think that you're... smart enough for this one.

since all of you have been in trouble before, i can't imagine that you would be foolish enough to be a part of this. but make no mistake... the culprits will be fingered. i will finger the culprits.


Tim: if she's upset about the statue, she's gonna freak out when she sees the cougar.

hey, man. i'm out. yeah, sorry, man. we can't help you. yeah. no. that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. well, that's a crock. that's bullshit, man.

ah, they're morons. let's just go.


so, we're still on for tomorrow night, right? you can tell your parents you're with me and ditto, vice versa. okay. oh, don't forget the wire cutters. okay. what's the matter with you? i'm fine.

okay, let's go.



ugh! ahh! over here, Bigfoot!

shit, we just lost Screw and Asskicker.

aaah! oh, no! i gotta go help her. okay. go.

look out!


Margie: Francis?

the first few Times, i felt smarter... than everyone else. sort of dangerous.

do you know that feeling?


then i just started feeling like a monster. look, i was going crazy keeping it secret. i had to tell you. and i have been practicing what to say ever since we met.

don't hurt yourself.

you hate me. no. i'm just... i don't know. i don't know. look, what are you doing tonight? i'm doing something... with Tim.

i mean... i'd ask you to come along, but... it's kind of secret.

you can come...

if you want to.

aren't you even gonna ask me if i'm pissed?

here. this way.

you did bring your wire cutters, right? no.

there he is. do you guys see him? he's right there. let's go.

see, if we get him right there, where he usually eats, he's in easy blowgun reach. once he goes down, we're gonna have to wait a few minutes to make sure it's cool. and then we go in together. okay? okay. oh... this chain's bad news, though. it's no big deal. we can cut a link, and after, press it back. all we're gonna need is bolt cutters. and a vise. and a gag for your girlfriend. she won't say anything. how do you know?

'cause i know.

so what are you doing next weekend? i don't know.

'cause my Mom's going out of town, and my Dad's supposed to take us, but i'm sure he won't, so... i just wish you could find a way to come over and watch for the ghost with me. if you want.

Sullivan? take this to Mrs. burns. she's in the parish hall. yes, Father. Francis... i could use a hand.

okay. okay.

something on your mind?

usually, uh... when you're talking about sin and forgiving it and all, um, i'm going, "yeah, okay. who cares?"

'cause i didn't really know what you were talking about. but... but now i do.

was it a venial or a mortal sin? i don't know.

you'll be fine. just let your faith guide you, even if your body tells you otherwise. think of the Lord's prayer if you're tempted.

thank you, Father. sure.

all right. so i figured it out, in case you care. for a 120-pound animal like that, we're gonna need about a quart of Nyquil. that's, like, 20 bottles or something. right. right? what do you mean, "right"? i mean, yeah.

whoo! will you quit with that kung fu crap? no.

master! i can feel it. i no longer be Grasshopper.

Jesus! what's with you? look, this is serious, so quit fucking around. who's fucking around? you think this will hold a cougar? well, if by some chance it wakes up before we get it to the school-- oh, yeah, if the cherry-flavored Nyquil doesn't keep it snoozing away, well, then, this incredible cage will hold him. right? get real, Tim.

get fucking real. to hell with you. see you later.

not everyone has to make up trouble for themselves just so they're not bored. at least, i'm doing something. what are you doing, Francis? what exactly do you do? have you done anything with Margie yet? you don't know anything about that. so you haven't done anything with Margie. how about i go write you another note so that you can have a lot more time making up shit like this?

so what's the matter? is she getting freaky on you? it's a secret, Goddamn it!

you're bleeding.

she told me a secret.

it's not a regular secret.

not normal. you could never tell anyone.

anyone. uh, that doesn't really mean anything about Margie. she's kind of cool... not ordinary... you know, in a cool sort of way.

Edgar Allan Poe did it with his cousin. and i forgive him that, of course... because he was a genius.

how about you, Mr. Gibbney? you're something of a...class gossip. do you know anything about this? no, Sister.

Mr. Sullivan? i've never seen that before.

Mr. Doyle?

Frankly, this kind of crudity isn't really your style, now, is it? no, Sister.

Francis... do you know anything about our Saint Agatha? yes, Father. good. tell us what you know. she was really good-looking, and she promised God she'd be a virgin, but then some guy wanted to marry her, and when she wouldn't, stop it! stop it! he took her in a brothel. and then he cut her breasts off. i won't tolerate any more disrespect from you. now, you confess. you tell us why you did this. actually, i heard that he branded her-- you hold your tongue, young man! you are on a terrible downward spiral. he sees in your heart. he knows what you do. i fear for you.


Church property was stolen... and now, apparently, damaged. we had hoped to have the statue back by now. we expect it back immediately. we don't want to have to call the police. you're dismissed. straight to classes.


* well, i'm so tired of crying *

* but i'm on the road again * hey, how do you aim this thing?

* well, i'm so tired of crying *

* but i'm on the road again *

* i'm on the road again *

* i ain't got no woman * be the dart. how much is that? that's his third helping. or, roughly, an amount that would get into his bloodstream if we hit him with 160 darts.

* in the rain and snow * plan b? plan b.

* in the rain and snow * hello?

you know his name? no, don't you?

Hello? hey, it's the altar boys. here to get altered? okay. y'all got the money? uh, yeah. you got the illegal substance? oh, yeah.

it's there.

oh... y-yes.

that's it? that's all? man, that's enough to melt an elephant. excuse my friend. he-- he thinks he wants to melt 2 elephants. mm-hmm. y'all want to smoke a roach? oh, yeah, sure. okay. okay. yeah.

it looks like a rat turd.

tastes like one, too.

i am brachion.

God, come save us now. you're wrestling with it, man. just let it take you away.

oh, shit. it's been hit. it's still alive. somebody's got to help it. they got to come and get it. they? there is no "they." we are "they."

oh, Jesus, Tim. no, it's okay. i got it. hey, Tim, where are you going with it? it's practically dead. i'm just going away from here.

come on, Tim. no. it's gonna die.

it looks dead. i-i think it's dead.

no one was coming for this dog. i hope you realize that.

nobody around here, nobody who passed it, not even the guy who hit it. i hope you realize that.

don't you ever tell me to get real.

i know what fucking real is, okay? okay.

Ugh! leave her! i have to get her to the Pearl. we gotta find Peg Leg.

Aaah! Aaah! you know, forget this feeble flesh. i'm doing skeleton boy.





let go, Donny!

i got this, too. every song is good. yeah. yeah. if you sit on the bed, the sound echoes in this weird way.

* round, round, up and down *

* all along the lonely town *

* see him sinking low * it's like you're inside it. yeah, this is the best spot.

* doesn't see the joy there is to know *

* and he cries *

* from the misery *

* and he lies * you sure smell good.

* she is gone *

* there is no tomorrow *

* it is done *

Donny: Margie! where's the damn spaghetti? i cooked it! make something else! there's beans and franks! ignore him.

* ...must do *

* for the others * i think i'm ugly and i'm awful, and i don't know why you came here. no, you're not. do you think i lied about the ghost to get you here? i didn't come here because of the ghost. she's real. all right? either she's real... or i'm crazy.

i'm so scared of being crazy that i'm going crazy.

* i thought i saw a trace * don't! there isn't any beans and franks. hey, hey. i told you there was macaroni and cheese. come on. come on. hey. you guys all right in here? all right. sorry.

* from the misery *

* and the lies *

* singing harmony *

* she is gone *

* there is no tomorrow *

* it is done *

* so now he must borrow *

* the life of his brothers *

* and living in sorrow *

* must do *

see, i tried to do the constellations.

that's Orion.

Francis, tell me the most amazing thing you've ever heard.

there's this fish... that lives at the bottom of the ocean... and it has a spine sticking out of its head... to lure prey. the females are the glowing ones. the males are smaller. after the male fish hatch, they bite on to the female. they're like parasites.

but after a while, they grow into each other, and they share the same blood and everything. they turn into one single fish.

wow. that's really weird.

we've made it. we've made it to the Pearl.

so... what'd you do last night? we didn't do anything. well, if you feel that's sin, i still think i deserve to know the specifics. we didn't do anything but listen to music. music-- that sounds good. what'd you listen to? ooh! oh, Francis! mmm! oh, i can't take it. aah! you laugh, but i'm right. ah, Francis the man.

come on, pass it. come on! put it in the middle. right here. come on, boys.

we've got a few minutes left. we're gonna finish up with some headings. dummy in the middle. i'm gonna pair you up. Smith...Roosevelt.



Sullivan...Flynn. the rest of you boys over here. barnes, you're in the middle. let's go! hustle! come on, boys!

all right, hurry up, spaz. come on. okay. ow. what's wrong with you? why can't you get it?

all right, what was wrong with that one? i think it was a little high. it's not too-- it's not too high. you just need to jump for it. okay, i'll jump for it. oh! is that low enough for you? not as low as fucking your own sister.

Casey: okay, come here, boys. let's go. let's take it in.

let's go! what the hell happened to you?

i screwed up. i let Donny know... that i know about him and Margie. you what? i'm sorry. i had to tell someone just like you had to. only, i had no one to tell, so i kept it in, and... it just came out. it came out to Donny? yeah. how stupid are you? you're on your own, Tim. you're on your fucking own.

it's not important how i got this. what is important... is that it is...


Blasphemous enough for a lifeTime. never in my life have i seen anything... so...vile... and cruel and insulting.

you are suspended immediately... expulsion pending. i'll call your parents on monday to discuss your removal from school.

i don't know how to get through to you boys. i will pray... for your guidance. and i suggest that you spend the weekend... doing the same.

i was gonna tell you. it all just happened. i'm the bad one. all right, you can hate Donny and think he's an evil asshole, but i made him do it. i-i tricked him one night when he was stoned, and then i blackmailed him into doing it all the Time.

and i loved it. it was all i thought about.

all right, there. it's the whole truth, all right? now you can hate me. i don't hate you. well, why don't you go tell Tim?

have you gone through all of this? no-- well... briefly.

is this supposed to be me? yes, and that's... supposed to be me.

so... did Assumpta like your stupid comic book? she recognized herself. i'll bet that means you're a pretty good artist, huh? i'm not getting into it with you, Donny. i'm sorry. call it even. even? oh, no, we're not fucking even! come on, superhero!


aah! aah! ahh. here's your girlfriend! aah! skeleton boy... where are you?



look, Sugarfoot, he gave us the deed to his house. man on tv: the old-timer give the deed to that woodpecker.

Francis, Joey's here. hi, Mr. Doyle. hello, Joey. where you going? just outside. no further than the driveway. okay. i mean it.

Tim told us to meet here.


Jesus, Doyle, what happened to your face? i fell off my bike. what's up, Francis? how's it going with Margie? get there yet? tongue. told you. hey, everybody.

ooh, nice shot. not quite there, Wade. hey, Joey, how's that whole warm-washcloth thing going? man, come on. how's it going, asshole? hey, i'm here to save your ass, Wade, all right? okay, guys... there's a notebook that we and a certain cougar are gonna have to make disappear.

God, man, you're still into that stupid-ass idea? hey, it wasn't my stupid idea to draw shit flying out of people, or evil babes trying to figure out 69, though that was pretty cool. how long do you guys think it'll be before Assumpta sees your names in there? you guys are gonna be expelled... just like we were. shit.

all right, man, we'll do it. all right. we're in.

Francis, come on. you got what you wanted, and now it's my turn. i got what i wanted? yeah. i'm completely screwed. then we're both screwed. so we got to do something about it, right? you and me. i can't do this without you.

you with me, here, altar boy?

that's it. all right. for the gods.

no. for the gods. for the g-- for God. for the gods. what are you doing, man? hey, hey, hey, hey! stop! we're wasting beer! you want some? ooh, there you go!

all right, everybody, seriously... think like cougars.

let's go. no, wait. guys? guys... don't-- don't-- don't cougar's mark their territory? no, no, no, no, that's wolves. come on. come on.

whoo! all: whoo!

flesh to bone and bone to die.

Time to finger the culprit.


ah, ding-fucking-dong. the bitch is dead.

come on. stop.

are we downwind? hopefully, not from him. all right, i'm gonna go check it out. you three go get the gate.

come on, you guys.

hurry. all right, now, wait till you get on the other side of me. all right, Joey, get in the...

now, just pull it off. really? pull it off?

can you open this?

oh! what the hell is this?

Sullivan's surefire cougar tranquilizer. he cooked up a paste of stolen pharmaceuticals and uncut Angel dust.

Angel dust? where'd you get Angel dust? hey, Joey? what? shine your flashlight on him.

wait. go back. go back. there. there. here, why don't you give it a shot? you sure? yeah. thanks. just go. sorry. maybe you're not gonna make it anyway. hurry up. push it in. you missed it. shit! don't worry about it. no, wait. you flushed him. you know, that's what i was trying to do. we got it.

why don't you give it a shot?

yeah, like he's gonna do better. he'll do it.

holy shit! oh, my God, you got him! good job, man. oh, my-- good job. all that kissing must've strengthened your cheeks. i could've done that. it's such a tiny dart, though. you think it'll work? well, we'll see.

he's going down. whoo. guys, quiet.

ye of little faith.

Jesus, Sullivan, i don't believe it. we just knocked out a cougar with a kmart blowgun. yes! you're a genius! that was great, man! get him? let's go, man! hey, what are you doing? we've unlocked the gate. risk leads to greatness. yeah, but, Tim, i thought we were all gonna go in together.

wait. get in there.

he's fine. breathing fine.

he's beautiful.

so hot. shit! Tim, look out! no!

Francis! aah!

Aaaah! Aaaah! oh, Shit!


Aaaah! shit. oh, Shit.

Wade, go get help! Joey, let's get him out of here! shit! come on, come over here! where the hell is he? i don't know. let's get him out of here! come on! turn him over. come on. careful!

okay. where the hell is it?

oh, Christ!

oh, Christ!

Christ, Timmy. oh, Christ. oh, Christ! Timmy. oh, Christ. someone's coming, Timmy. you're gonna be okay. you're gonna be okay, Timmy. you're gonna be okay. it's okay.

Aaaah! skeleton boy, look out!

Aaaah! no! no! don't forget the Pearl!

Brakken! aaaah! brakken, help! help!

Aaaah! Aaaah!




Father Casey's ready for you now. everybody's waiting. do you know what you're going to read?

"for this is the will of my Father, who sent me, "that whoever beholds the Son

"and believes in Him

"shall have everlasting life, and i will raise him up on the last day."

Amen. all: Amen. and now, a reading from Tim's friend, Francis Doyle.

"tiger, tiger, burning bright...

"in the forests of the night...

"what immortal hand or eye

"could frame Thy fearful symmetry?

"in what distant deeps or skies...

"burnt the fire of Thine eyes?

"on what wings dare he aspire?

"what the hand dare seize the fire?

"and what shoulder and what art...

"could twist the sinews of Thy heart?

"when the stars...

"threw down their spears...

"and water'd heaven with their tears...

"did He smile his work to see? did He who made the lamb make Thee?"

huh? yaah!

* i saw you in a way *

* but that's another life *

* maybe they're the same *

* i wonder where you are *

* yesterday is gone *

* but it ain't far away *

* i guess it's far enough *

* i'm older in my head *

* my innocence is gone *

* i have the book you read *

* to help me carry on *

* what a price to pay *

* to feel like you're alive *

* i was blind when he said *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* he said, but he was wrong *

* i'm your jezebel *

* she said *

* on my way to hell *

* she said *

* what a price to pay *

* to feel like you're alive *

* she was blind when she said *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* she said, but she was wrong *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *

* no matter where you are *

* ooh, ooh, it's all the same *