The Decoy Bride (2011) Script

Throngs of people outside still waiting for the bride to appear.

She's not in there. I can feel it.

Any moment now, she should be leaving the hotel.

I overestimated her. I thought she'd be more elusive.

I don't understand what's happening. What is going on here?

I don't think they want us to know which one the real bride is.


The streets are full of brides, the skies are full of brides, the press doesn't know which way is up.

I'm a genius. Still no sign of Marco Ballani? - None.

Our intelligence says he's gone skiing. - Now?

Then we're good.


Hello?

You! What the hell are you doing in there?

I am the wedding photographer.

Can I have the tall people at the back?

OK, buster, fun's over. How long have you been in there?

Oh, my God. This is not soda.

I'm gonna kill you!

You are ruining my life! I've ruined plenty of lives.

You're nothing special.

You abscess!

When I do get married, you will not even know what continent I'm on!

Marco Ballani, you golden Roman god!

I will not be defeated by that disease of a man.

We're gonna have to disappear completely.

We can get married in outer space.

Or the lost underwater kingdom of Atlantis?

Outer space? I don't think you can yet.

Is that what your intelligence tells you?

We're gonna have to go somewhere crazy remote.


Hi, Mum.

Oh, no.

What's happened? Nothing. I'm fine.

I'm fine. - Well, that's good. Just so long as you're fine.

Are you going somewhere?

I don't suppose you're in the mood for a wedding?

There is somebody out there for you, somebody sensitive and faithful and kind.

But you'll never meet him if you're hiding here.

Good. I don't want to meet him. He sounds like a twat.

I'm like kryptonite to men.

Kryptonite dipped in cellulite.

So, what's new on Hegg? Give me the headlines.

One of Donald's sheep drowned.

They had to fish it out with a curtain rail.

Hello. Mild out, isn't it, Iseabail?

It's this global warming.

Katie's back. Are we late?

Too late to marry him.

Quick!

Sorry. No.

Hi, Angus.

You're too late, Katie Nic Aodh. He's mine now!

There's always the Oban tinker. He'll be visiting come September.

And he's keen to marry on account of his leg.

I'll marry you, Katie. How old will you be in eight years?

40. Could have gone to 36.

The return of the native. Hello, Laird.

That was quite the entrance, Katie.

And continuing the theme of my public humiliation, I may need my old job back.

What happened to your fancy Edinburgh job at the trouser catalogue?

I ran out of ways to describe pockets.

If you don't mind me saying, Katie, you've always had such a terrible taste in men.

I know. I've gone man vegan.

They say after the first six years you don't miss them any more.

You've picked the right spot to try it.

There are no single men left on Hegg, are there, after today?

Except for me, of course.

Perhaps you'll dance with me later on.

You'll not be forgetting Hegg law, Laird.

You must dance with us all. Eldest to youngest. - Oh, yes.

The dance of the dead.

Which means I should get to you about 4:30 in the morning.

So, how long are you back for?

Well, actually, I'm thinking of staying.

I thought you said nothing ever happened here.

No. Well, nothing happening is becoming more appealing.

So, this is all very grown-up. You've a wife and a beard. Well, Muireen thinks differently of beards than you.

And marriage.

Look, I truly hope you'll be...

Aye.


Hegg: An Island History, The Definitive Guide. By Katie Nic Aodh.

£5 a copy. We split the proceeds.

A guidebook to here? Don't be mad.

Come see our disused toilet that may or may not be haunted by the ghost of a drowned cow.

You see? We need to channel this raw, creative energy.

Else you're liable to get restless and go wandering off again.

Nobody's going to buy a guidebook to Hegg.

Unless it's cheaper than our toilet paper.

A marketing conference? Here?

The tide has turned. For the marketeers.

£1 each or £1.50 with hair.

They want my castle, just as it is, for a week.

Good luck to them. This is a beautiful island, Katie.

In a way...

New beginnings. It's like the whale all over again.

You're not too young to remember the whale, Laird?

No, I remember. There'll be money in this lot too.

No throwing yourself at the men visitors, Katie.

We don't want them thinking this is the Orkneys where anything goes.

Now, Katie, chop chop. Chapter One, in which a young woman and her laird rescue their island from certain doom by writing a brilliant guidebook.

The island of Hegg lies half-drowned and wind-battered, the furthermost drop of the outermost spray of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides.

It has a population of 75, a majority of whom are probably about...

75. Or even older.

Though Hegg no doubt has a certain charm, it has never been a popular stop on the tourist trail.

Even the Vikings never showed the slightest interest in us.

But the islanders remain a hardy and resourceful people.

All those under 50 are now married, except one.

The island has one B&B which offers the traditional Scottish breakfast of haggis, sausage, chips and beans, or if you're feeling more metropolitan, you can have the continental breakfast, a bread roll, two Weetabix and a Snickers bar.

Have we got any Michelin stars I can put up?

Are you not cold? Can I get you a coat? - I'll be fine.

As always. - You think? I'll be dying either way.

I've got to get out of here, Katie. I've never been anywhere.

And I want to see the world, overdose on daiquiris and be thrown into a volcano. But you need money for that.

If they ask, we had two stars but they fell off.

Welcome to the Sunshine, Hegg's only B&B.

We have rooms available.

We're looking for the castle. We're marketing people.

I'll take you there... for a tenner.

Mum!

I'll take you.

Oh, my God.

Do you like it?

It's spectacular.

And that was the last we any of us saw of the Americans.

'The gilt work glistened proudly.'

'Time had in no way diminished the splendours of this castle.'

We're dead. Lara's expecting to walk straight into his stupid book.

She's not gonna blame you, Steve. She is a reasonable woman.

Get me an office, a landline, steeplejacks, welders, £20,000 in cash, 50,000 gallons of water, the construction crew from Bonnie Prince Charlie and a cappuccino.

A seal. Look. How cute.

I've no idea where we are, but it's perfect.

'The sea turns and shakes its manacles of salt at the sharp rocks on which too many waves have died.'

What's that?

It's you. Chapter 49 of my favourite book.

The Ornithologist's Wife. Really?

My husband is gonna be one of the great writers of the 21 st century.

So where are we exactly? You know where we are.

Do I?

No!

It's just how you described it.

We're on Hegg.

You don't remember it from your many research trips?

Hey, you guys.

I don't know why we didn't think of this before.

I'm sorry we can't have friends and family.

But this is so special, isn't it?

It's perfect. And it's just us.

Let's go in. I have to see the Hall of a Million Feathers.

Should we? - Yes, you really should. It's quite something.


Do you like your room?

We had 40 master craftsmen working through the night.

One of them was 80. - Why didn't you just tell her I made it all up?

When Lara wants to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountain, I don't take her to Elm Street.

This is your first time on Hegg, isn't it?

You Googled the entire book.

You're the first person ever to have a problem with that.

I need some air.

There are only seven people in the world who know we're here.

Anybody asks, you're at a marketing conference.

Keep your head down, and wear a hat, Tolstoy.

If you can safely navigate the many rabbit holes, Hegg can be a great place to ramble.

And as the islanders say, if you don't like the weather here, just wait 20 minutes and maybe you will. End of Chapter One.

Chapter Two: Hegg's top hot spots.

The people of the island are rightly proud of this ageing public amenity.

The ornate urinals are enamelled in peacock colours, while the cow-sized cubicle is... genuinely frightening.

Laird.

Hello? Pretty sure that's not a real cow.

Unless it's got hold of a kazoo.

Sorry. Oh, no, no, really. I'm...

The laird of the island has a similar hat.

Sorry to barge in on you, Mrs...

Not Mrs. No, no. No.

I was just pretending to be the ghost of this cow, which, of course, sounds completely mad.

Not at all.

Sorry. From the outside, your home looks like it might be open to the public.

My home?

You don't live here?

Not in this toilet, no.

Here we live in primitive dwellings anthropologists like to call houses.

Please forgive me. I've spent a lot of time with... hermits.

For someone in marketing, you're not very good at lying.

I'm still quite junior.

Katie. I'm J...

John. John... son. John...

John. John Johnson.

And I'm... I'm quite lost.

No wonder. That book isn't right about anything.

You haven't read it. No one's read it, not all the way through.

That's the only book ever written about Hegg.

Everybody who can read has read it.

The Hegg Book Club gave it four out of ten. - Four out of ten?

We thought it picked up around page 600.

The architecture of the book was probably quite deliberate.

Wow, the Hegg Book Club are a tough crowd.

Oh, and the love story? I didn't buy that at all.

It was just soulless.

Soulless? - Maybe his second boo will be better.

Is it out yet? Not yet, no.

God. It's been years. Either he's very, very blocked or it's even longer than that one. Can you imagine?

Do you want me to carry it for a bit?

Oh, no, no, no. You want Iona.

There's no monastery here. No monks. No miracles.

That's OK. But no free accommodation here.

I believe in God so-so, but I'm also very interested in yoga.

Hung jury, you see. So no discount. - No problem.

I will pay upfront, in full.

To be fair, he had to make it up.

You could cover Hegg in a pamphlet of about five pages.

OK, I know where I am now.

Look, you're here to work, obviously.

But if you ever fancy a coffee, I just live at the B&B over... down there, with my mother.

Just... I'm around most of the time, and I'm a whole lot hotter than I look.

We've got so much... marketing to do.

OK. This wasn't...

I wasn't... I don't any more.

I've gone vegan anyway.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Bye.

Room three.

Blessings.

It's a hobby. I hope to capture one of your very rare birds on film.

We don't have any rare birds. We have hedgehogs.

Yeah, well, I am here now.

I have just made the most unbelievable twat of myself. We have a guest.

I don't trust this monk. People say they monkey around.

I think he's a journalist. Why?

Are you taking your pills properly?

Chapter One Jackson Kandinsky awoke from hot dreams of lost things

and adjusted his testicular implant.

I'm a whole lot hotter than I look.

Yeah?


Are you sure it's so terribly unlucky to make love the night before the wedding?

I hate it when you beg for sex.

You are staggeringly beautiful.

Starve me of yourself. Turn me concave with caverns of longingness.

Oh, God. Did I write that? 'Longingness.' It's not even a word.

No. That was just me saying what I was thinking.

Oh, right. Sorry.

It finally got dark, then?

You're not a monk. And you're not having my story.

Is that the Caledonian Press Agency?

Visualise your cellulite melting!

Come on! You're doing really well!


Oh, my God.

This is good. Feel the burn.

Lara?

When you say 'kind of like missing... '?

She's... She's totally gone.

OK, she saw him. Did he see her?

I don't know. He's disguised as a wizard.

Some kind of brown wizard. And he's in a tree right by the chapel.

How does he do this?

He's amazing.

OK, he's in a tree. He wants a photo of the happy couple.

Let's give it to him. We go through with the wedding exactly as planned.

But with a stand-in. Ballani, convinced he's at the real wedding, takes his photo and leaves. Then we go find Lara, bring her back to the chapel and do it all over again, this time for real.

You are amazing also.

I'll go and tell James? - Don't tell that Googling leech anything.

If James finds out Lara is missing, he's gonna go looking for her...

Oh, you're in here. Anais-Anais, I'm gonna do my own hair this time.

Because I know what I want. Fine.

Everything all right?

Yay. Yay.

Good luck. All right.

But if James doesn't know that Lara is missing, how is that gonna work?

He has to think it's for real. We need a decoy bride.

None of you are right. Too tall, too black.

I could do it. Don't be stupid.

Ballani knows you. He needs to see you with James.

I just need somebody who can walk 20 feet without falling over.

Who was that awful girl?

But I don't look anything like Lara Tyler. - That's true, but neither does she until these ladies get their hands on her.

Hi. We think you're full of potential.

No. Sorry. £200.

I'm really not interested. I'm off weddings.

£500. It's not a real wedding.

Are they ever? I nearly bought a wedding dress once.

Cost the same as a Fiat Uno. £5,000.

Has somebody on the island told you I'm a prostitute?

I'm really not interested, and my mum'll be back in a while and I said I'd cook her lunch, so...

One hour's improvisation. No scenes of a sexual nature.

£5,000. You can do something really nice for your poor, sick mother.

What the flipping heck are they?

I'm going to temporarily immobilise your nasolabial folds.

What are you doing? It's just like bleach.

It'll make your hair lighter. No way.

She is not putting toilet cleaner in my hair.

Don't be a diva.

No, no, no.

Sorry. Hopeless.


Let's just make extra sure.

You're an Oscar nominee. You ooze confidence.

You define poise. You're the face that launched a thousand campaigns.

And your latest thing is quoting Gertrude Stein.

At length and from memory.

OK, Steve, we're in. He's not inside we don't think.

But safer to assume the place is bugged. Over and out.

Can you do an American accent?


Lara? You OK?

Hi. Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and forsaking all others be faithful to her for as long as you both shall live?

Sì.

I will.

I will!

I, James Neil Arber, take you, Lara Elizabeth Tyler, to be my wife, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...

...to love and cherish until death us do part. In the presence of God, I take this vow.

I, Lara Elizabeth Tyler, take you, James Neil Arber, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, sickness, health, love, death, cherish.

In the presence of God, I make this vow.

Who has the rings?

Steve, what the hell's going on? I'll explain it to you later.

The ring text is optional, right?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride. Who is this?

John Johnson.

Toilet girl?

We had to buy time to look for Lara.

Who's we? Who's looking for her?

The gang. The gang of beauticians?

Are you mad? She could have fallen off a cliff!

You think Ballani is gonna believe this toilet attendant is my wife?

I am not a toilet attendant.

She has been hunted by the press since she was 15.

So, guess what, that makes her a bit jumpy. And what have you done?

You have lost her on a Hegg with the one paparazzo she hates the most.

How... When did they do all this?

This is my job, to protect her career. - She's retiring.

FYI, there's only you and her that think that. - Steve. Steve!

What? Is that the press?

Oh, God. How the hell did this happen?

Can I please have my clothes and my cheque?

My mother's expecting me. I'm gonna find her.

We need is you charging around attracting unwanted attention.

Lara is missing. There might be wolves out there.

You're absolutely right. I wasn't thinking straight.

Of course, If anybody can find her, it's you.

This way, both of you. Thank you.

This way. This is the back way out.

An hour, you said! Yeah, well, I'm full of shit.

There must be a way out.

I am not a toilet attendant. And I did tell you my name.

If only I could remember your name, we could find a way out of here.

Sorry. It's cruel to give the servants names, isn't it?

Don't want to get too attached to them.

Give you a white dress and suddenly everything's about you.

This is not your big day, Katie. Nor yours, apparently.

You're having an 'Ornithologist's Wife' themed wedding.

And if we are? I suppose it could be worse.

I could be trapped inside Stephen King's honeymoon.

Though apparently he's a nice guy.

How much are you getting paid for this, in hillbilly money? - No.

So why are we doing that?

As long as they think Lara's in the castle, they'll camp out there.

As long as they're out there, they're not looking for Lara.

Come on.

Strupak!

Strupak! A pound. It's like tea.

It is tea.

Get a move on, you carnaptious bampot!

There's money to be made.

A pack of journalists just stepped off the ferry wi' more coming over the Minch.

It's like the whale all over again.

The happy couple. Nice arse.

What's this?

IPhone.

Diamond earrings.

It's a party bag, isn't it?

You're getting party bags from your own wedding.

You're too far gone to understand, but it's so funny.

I'm counting all my money on my very expensive money-counting machine.

Bling! Bling!

Hello? Eight times six million I'll just check for you.

Look, try to get your head round this. I'm marrying Lara Tyler.

I'm not marrying you. This is Lara's idea... and my idea, of a great wedding.

If I were marrying you, we would be in the place of your choosing.

The bar of some brightly lit 2 star hotel, no doubt, draped in tinsel, drinking German wine and watching your cousins have sex in the car.

You're a horrible snob. So are you.

What an eclectic library.

Signed. That's tragic.

Did you sign the register? You saw me. Why?

Is that the legal bit?

I think, in all the fuss, I may have signed my own name. - So?


I can confirm that Lara Tyler and James Arber were finally married today in a small, tasteful private ceremony.

They will be leaving for a secret honeymoon destination in the morning, but, as you can see, they will be spending their wedding night in that turret there.

That window there is where the action is.

Thank you. Is there a picture of the dress?

Don't get the bottom of the dress wet.

Would you like me to take it off?

You're not married already? I imagine that might be helpful. - No.

I remember now. Not married.

But still a world authority on romance in literature.

When not cruising toilets for men. Parasite.

I hope she's made you sign a prenup.

How did they fit you into that dress? - She has.

How does that work exactly? When you get divorced, does she get half of your unfinished books? I am no parasite.

I didn't even live with Lara until recently.

She built me this gazebo in the grounds where I write.

She keeps you in a shed at the bottom of the garden like a tortoise. Look, you're what? Late 30s?

30, just. Still living with your mum?

I am living with my mother temporarily because she is sick.

And what is it you do again? Are you president of this Hegg Book Club?

Or do you just administer their medication? - I too am a writer.

A writer? Of what exactly? - Of something that people actually read.

Do you write cereal packets? Look...

Do you write your name over and over in the dirt on the back of trucks?

If you must know, I write for an online menswear catalogue.

A trouser catalogue. I don't do it anymore.

What, 'five pairs of brown trousers with elasticated waistbands, £30 while stocks last? ' That kind of thing?

I have also written the official guidebook to Hegg, which is accurate than certain other accounts of life on the island.

That sounds fascinating.

Any news? Have you found her?

Hello! This island is much bigger than you said, OK? Over.

Perhaps you'd like to do time in the San Quentin nail bar instead.

Keep looking. Over. And out.

Later.

Where is she?

So what are we going for, then? Fat or thin? - Both.

'Podgy Hollywood star looks gaunt on happy day'?

Assholes.

Hello. - Move along now, ma'am. No one gets in the castle.

She'll be lucky.

Would you have a portable telephone that I could per chance borrow?

There's no reception, love. Payphone in there.

Can I have a ticket for the telephone, please?

Keep the triples coming. I'm buying.

Look at her. Flashing her cash about like the Sheikh of Oman.

As if the story was hers to sell.

Hello. I am 'Stars Today' and I am here to buy copy for our Lara Tyler wedding special.

Nobody's seen anything and there are no pictures.

You mean you've got no pictures. Marco Ballani will have pictures.

What, that Marco Ballani?

Do you have the photo?

Marco! Have you got the photo?

I have nothing.

What's this nameless new book of yours about, then, if it exists?

It's about the end of the world as seen through the eyes of God.

Oh, dear.

Did no one tell you to write about what you know?

She thinks you're a genius, doesn't she? And you're trying to be one so you're good enough to be with Lara Tyler.

But it's left you totally blocked. Pathetic.

Still living with your mum, pretending to be a movie star, writing a guidebook about an island no one will ever visit.

That's pathetic.

I'm going to open my presents now.

Ah! Did you not get your picture?

Do I know you? No, you do not.

No, I know only her.

Did you know she lived in her pool for 2 weeks before filming 'The Drowning'?

I lived above her in her pool house roof.

We are both obsessional compulsional types, you know.

You didn't sell these? They are too personal.

And only now she has married someone else do I realise...

I love her. I am a cavern of longingness.

Is that good English? Yeah.

I don't get it.

Lara and I like big cat documentaries. Deal with it.

What are you doing here? Where's Lara?

As if I'd tell you.

Behind the back of the world's most fascinating woman, you drink champagne and you cavort with prostitutes.

I'm not a prostitute.

I'm his wife. She is a horrendous mistake.

You have failed again to marry Lara. This is a better match for you.

I'm sorry but I can't take your call right now If that's Random House, I've had a succession of computer issues and an illness, it's going really well and I'll be mailing some chapters at the week.

Well, it looks like I might have hit on my very own Lara Tyler exclusive.

Are you gonna fight like a man or just throw puffins at me?

I will find her. And when I find her, I will have her.

Not very likely.

Look.


What are you doing? - I'm just nipping out for some milk.

What do you think you are? Tarzan? Lara's got a climbing wall.

Of course she has.

It's been an absolute pleasure. Oh, I'm staying here, am I?

What makes your girlfriend more of a priority than my sick mother?

There might be wolves out there. Wolves? There's no wolves.

We don't even have bees. She might stand on a hedgehog, which would be good, actually, because we're overrun.

Save it for the second edition of your dreary little guidebook.

If there is one.

Right, wait there. I'm coming with you. I'm coming down.

The pedalo's full of water. You'll get the bottom of the dress wet.

You'll be released back into the community shortly. Get back inside!

Goodbye! Stupid nails.


Don't look at my legs. Please.

You got the bottom of the dress wet.

Thanks for saving my life. I'm sorry you nearly drowned.

Don't be. My life flashed in front of my eyes, and halfway through I was just bored.

Being drowned was a highlight. Me too, actually.

Quite nice to do something productive for once.

You were right about me staying with my mum. I am a loser.

Well, you were right about my book being a bit soulless.

And about me being blocked.

I guess I'm the bigger loser. I'm definitely the bigger loser.

Oh, no. Not by a long shot. - Why do you have to be so competitive?

...computer issues and an illness, but it's going really well and...

James, I'm sorry. I can't get into the castle.

You know in your book, the place where they kiss? Meet me there.

Bring the priest and the rings. I love you. I do love you.

The place where they kiss.

This is very kind of you, but there's really no need. I can do it.

Och, I insist.

I thought you were wonderful in 'The Wolf and the Moon.'

So... Thank you for getting the word out about my wedding.

How did it go? It didn't.

Thanks to you.


Knock, knock.


Quills.

Christmas present from Lara.

She thought they might help with the writing.

Must have been a terrible concert.

Dad, gone. We don't talk about him. - OK.

Throw the money over. The money or the wheelchair with you in it.

Come on.

Did you hear me? Yes.

I'm thinking about it.


It needs... everything.

I like it.

April really is the cruellest month.

Poor Angus. Sorry. Is he your?

No. Should have been, probably, but I only go for arty types with monster commitment issues. My ex-fiancé was in a band.

They just had a top 40 hit with the song 'Bed Hopper'.

So the clues were there. I thought it was ironic.

Stupid. But, then, I also thought he liked girls who, you know, give intelligent feedback.

And so he told me I was just one song, not a whole album.

I'm finished with relationships.

They say it's when you stop looking that you... - Get married?

Actually, marriage is becoming surprisingly bearable.

At least the fact that you are going to leave me for another woman has been agreed in advance.

What's she like?

I suppose she's just like anybody else, just a normal girl.

No. No, she's rare and fine and peculiar and modest. And generous.

And really, really nice.

And brilliant. At everything.

But can she do this?

No, I don't believe she can.

So you did all that with just candle wax and powder?

Yeah. Is it all off? Yes. You're so beautiful.

I'm sorry I sold your story.

I need to get off this island, you see, and soon.

And I need to see the world and be thrown into a volcano.

It is my destiny. - Oh, my God. I just realised who you are.

You're Maggie, the ornithologist's wife.

James based her on you.

Maggie who would not bend, who turns on her oppressors.

Yes, that's me.

You have been such an inspiration to me. - Thanks.

I've just been kicked in the face by the most beautiful woman in the world who is now walking around outside dressed as my old boarding-school matron. I will pay 200 grand for that cover shot. Go and get it.

Retro classic. 100%/ pure new wool in a 13oz cloth.

Untouched since 1978.

What would I do without you?

Katie, there's money on Whale Beach, enough for us to go away.

But we have to get down there before the tide comes in.

Connor? No, Mum.

This is my husband. Your husband?

It's been a bit crazy. Hi. James.

Why is he dressed as your father?

Well, his girlfriend's missing... He has a girlfriend?

Is this Toilet Man? What?

The man you made a pass at in the toilet. - No.

Why is there money on Whale Beach?

Lara Tyler made me throw the cash I got from selling her wedding over the cliff.

She's not married. She's on her way to Cathedral Cove to meet James Arber.

James...

Arber?

Indeed.

Very clever. So you manufactured this whole situation.

Big sack of cash for telling the press, another for playing the decoy. When it's all over, the same again to set the record straight.

Quite an industry you've made out of ruining other people's happiness.

Making cow eyes at me for hours to add a little spice to the story.

Cow eyes? Let me tell you.

For a honeytrap to work, there needs to be honey.

Do you like him?

He's an emotionally retarded arty boy who's in love with another woman.

Of course I like him. Did you tell him?

A life spent making mistakes is so much better than a life spent doing nothing.

Falling for your father was the best mistake I ever made.

I got you.

My worst mistake was not going after him.

No. Would rather die.

Really? Then we'll get a big photo of him and put it on the wall and you can throw darts at it for the rest of your life.

Where do these stupid people kiss?

Hello. I'm wondering if you can help me. Thank you.

Is the Cathedral nearby, or any other coves?

I've become rather lost.

Oh, great. Now I've been recognised.

Yes, I am James Arber.

I am marrying Lara Tyler. Probably.

But if you could try not to mention it to anyone and please don't call the press.

All right, yes.

Oh, no. No, that's not me. That's...

OK. Who to?

I'll just leave it blank for eBay.

I'll be getting along in a moment. You've been very kind.

But if you had a map of Hegg I could possibly borrow...

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. No. No.

Well, I might be a bit rusty.

Yeah. I've been concentrating on the zither is the thing.

Beautiful.

Both deaf.

OK, one more. Yeah.


Hello, Mairead. Caleb.

Mild out, isn't it?

It's this global warming.

I heard my husband playing the bagpipes.

It's a long story.

Thank you. I was just coming back to find you. - Really?

Yeah. We need to get divorced.

Yes. Yes, of course.

We should go and find Reverend McDonagh. He'll know what to do.

OK, don't flip out, but James and that girl, they've escaped.

We need local intelligence.

Who's that awful woman?

I don't know where any of them are. No one's been here.

Yeah, see, I just don't believe you.

Look, they could be anywhere by now.

But I think you know where they are. And I think for the right price, you'll tell me.

I didn't sell your wedding. My mum did.

She's dying and a bit pissed off about it. - Oh, I'm sorry.

She just wants to see the world before she goes.

Ah, look. It's my country residence.

Quick, come on. Come on.

Where in God's name are we? - This book says it's a wildlife centre.

You're a bleeding woman with your map reading.

No, it's the book. It's all wrong. It's so heavy.

Is somebody there?

Incomers! Incomers! - Sorry, love. Didn't realise anyone lived here.

I'll throw another puffin on the griddle for you. - No, thanks.

Griddled puffin? On a Friday?

Ah, our first home. What a life we could have had.

Yeah. Come on.

So you think this Reverend McDonagh can help untangle us?

Well, I can't recall going to him with a similar problem, but, yes, he'll know what to do.

There's something about islands, isn't there?

Or is it just that I'm from one?

No, there's something about islands. And this is just Hegg.

We're the plain Jane of the Hebrides.

You should see Barra. It's stunning.

I like this one. It's beautiful.

I wish I'd come here sooner.

Stay away from her, Englishman! Angus!

Mr April? - You come over here, taking our women.

Your women? Angus, don't!

Run away with me. I never thought I had a chance with you until you came back and then... Marry me.

You are married to Muireen.

But I don't want her. I never wanted her. I always wanted you.

Shame. You're married, she's married. Oh, what a tragedy.

She's married? Who to?

To me.

Is that true?

Right, then. I'll fight you for her.

No. No, no. I don't fight.

I win. I get to keep her.

Angus!

I wanted to grow old with you. You're beautiful and clever now.

It's easy to love you now.

But I'll still love you when the wind's dried you out.

And when you're old and broken. Will he?

Angus, I'm sorry. Go back to Muireen.

Sort it out. She loves you.

It's better when people love you back.

So do you love him?

Come on. I'm all right here.

Wow. It's just amazing.

I used to come out here a lot, on my own.

Only married 5 minutes and already chasing after another woman, eh?

Why not give this marriage a go first?

Because the woman he's engaged to is Lara Tyler.

She's an actress.

She's ultra beautiful, mind-blowingly talented, and rare, and fine, and modest, and generous, and nice, and brilliant at everything.

But he's married to you. Exactly.

A mind-blowingly ordinary shop assistant from the Outer Hebrides. Bit of a comedown.

You're not ordinary.

She could be Miss Universe with a Nobel Peace Prize and she'd still be wrong for somebody.

Weddings are like sunsets. The romance of a moment.

Marriage is the sea into which that red sun sets.

We got married by mistake.

Probably not the strongest basis for an enduring marriage. - No.

Then, in days past, the MacNeils of Barra, huge ginger brutes they were, would cross the Minch to Hegg to steal our sheep and snatch a wife at the same time.

But if we could reclaim the woman before consummation, the marriage didn't count. It's still in Hegg law.

So if we can make it to Cathedral Cove before nightfall, your licence with Miss Tyler would still be valid and the original ceremony could go ahead as planned.

If that's what you really want.

How long have we got before it gets dark?

About half an hour. When God made time, he made plenty of it.

When God made twine, he made balls of it.

Well, you think about it while I get my things ready.

Oh, one last thing. Has the marriage been consummated?

No. I just haven't had time.

When God made time...

Hello?

Lara?

James?

Why has she brought us here? What is this place?

How do you know when you've met 'the one'?

Whenever you look at them, you find yourself singing

'You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings.'

Is that what happens when you're with Lara?

They asked 10,000 men to name their ideal partner and 9,800 said Lara. Statistically that includes at least 800 gay men.

If you're male and Lara Tyler's interested in you, she's the one, it's kind of a rule.

If you can't be happy with Lara Tyler, you can't be happy with anyone.

You are sure about this? Because you seem like a good match to me.

Do you, James Neil Arber, take Katie Nic Aodh as your lawful wedded wife? No, I do not.

And do you, Katie Nic Aodh, take James Neil Arber as your lawful wedded husband? Absolutely not. No. Thank you.

I would ask if you would now remove and return your rings as a sign that you are not married.

Follow soon. We need to hurry.

Good thing there are no pets involved.

If I wasn't in the middle of the Atlantic after one of the strangest days of my life, I'd...

James, wait.

If things don't work out with Lara...

I mean, she's perfect, obviously.

But she gives you block.

So maybe you're not one of the 9,800.

That's not so impossible, is it?

Because then you could not marry her.

Then you could stay here. With me.


I know.

This is where you tell me I'm just one chapter, not a whole book.

Go.

Go.

Guys! Lara's Tyler's not in the castle.

They're getting married now in the haunted toilets.

It's a local tradition. This way!

You OK? - Yeah. You? Yeah.

I don't really like big cat documentaries.

That's OK.

If we're going to do this, we'll have to be quick.


Do you wanna taste the icing? Do you wanna taste the icing?

What is that?

Now, sweetie, I may look like a simple, cake-baking, small-town mom, but inside...

I am a prize fighter, and I will not rest while there is a single rod of depleted uranium anywhere in South Carolina.

Powerful stuff there. Lara Tyler in 'Depleted', out on Friday.

There had been rumours of retirement.

Last summer I was maybe thinking of leading a more quiet life, but... then I met this amazing Scottish woman.

Terminally ill, never complained.

Actually, no, she did complain about a lot of things.

I heard recently that she passed away.

But I was able to help her fulfill her dream to travel the world.

Thank you, Lara.


Hegg - An Island History, Second Edition.

The Hegg is the furthermost drop of the outermost spray of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides.

But for those curious enough to take some time to discover her, Hegg's cliffs and moorlands, meadows and sandy beaches reveal her to be an island ready to exceed all expectations, a tiny rock of perfection jutting out of the restless Hebridean Sea.

This is James Arber's new book. Much better, more mature.

And only one chapter.

Look. He dedicated it to Lara.

Katie, but you're leaving again, so soon.

Guidebooks don't write themselves.

But I'll never forget who gave me my big break.

I just came in to say hi and bye. I'm on the four o'clock boat.

I've got a flight out to New Delhi and then onto Singapore.

Harder to hit a moving target, eh?

I should have known that bloody guidebook would take off.

Idiot.

It's not the same without you, Katie.

Never was. We miss you. I miss you.

There Katie, that's for you.

It's a bride. For luck. It's the last one.

Thank you. That'll be £1.50.

You off again, then, Katie? I'm trying to.

She'll be back. Her dad was a traveller, but her mam was a 'stay-at-home'.

No, I'm not sure she was, deep down.

I really need to...

I'll warrant you're a bit of both.

Goodbye, all.


Hallo!

Hello! Hello.

Long time no see. Yeah.

I was hoping for our first meeting to be a bit more casual.

What are you doing here?

I've been trying to get your attention with conventional weapons, phones, emails, that sort of thing. - I've been away.

Yeah, and you're leaving again. Did you not read my new book?

Not so much, no. You really should have read it.

The Hegg Book Club gave it seven and a half. - Seven and a half?

That's generous for the Hegg Book Club.

They said it picked up around page six.

So you didn't see the dedication? It's dedicated to Lara.

No! It's not!

It's not!

"To my wife. A chapter can be a book."

What does he mean, a chapter can be a book? - I don't know.

I don't know.

Have you got a radio?

He said to tell you, the only person he ever wed was you.

But he and Lara let the press think they were married.

He's not married?

Katie, shall we go back?

Would you mind?

I can't believe you didn't read my book.

I couldn't really bring myself to.

Well, I hope you will one day, because there's a character in there kind of reminds me a lot of you.

It's a book about a man, a really stupid man, who makes a really bad decision, and how he loses somebody amazing from his life.

And how he comes to realise he cannot continue in his life... without her.

They say write about what you know.

So, obviously, I set it against the backdrop of the Spanish Civil War.

And Lara? She's absolutely fine.

We agreed we weren't right for each other.

By the way, I read your excellent guidebook.

Really?

How embarrassing. I've been quite rude about you in the new edition.

Well, I love intelligent feedback.

And you're back on Hegg now because?

I'm on a sheep-stealing raid, yeah.

I thought I might grab myself a woman at the same time, but...

Predominantly, it's a sheep-snatching thing.

Do you want me to sign that for you?


Hey.

Hi.

I like this one.