The Duff (2015) Script

For generations of high-schoolers, you could only be a jock, a geek, a princess, a bully, or a basket case.

But times have changed.

Jocks play video games.

Princesses are on antidepressants.

And geeks basically run the country.

I thought we were living in a brave new world, a place without labels.

But every so often, there's that one moment in high school that changes your perspective on everything.

Showtime.

And for me, it happened senior year, about a month before homecoming.

I was cruising the halls with my two best friends.

Jess Harris.

I would bang her so hard, we'd both need helmets.

Yeah, that's not me.

Casey Cordero.

I would play "Call of Duty" with her Yeah.

All night. Wait, what?

And bang her hard too, to the point of needing helmets.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That too, yeah.

Nope, not me, either.

Shaw's over. Just Bianca.

That's me.

Martin Van Buren. Nickelback.

Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Jess has the hottest ass.

Casey has the hottest rack.

Bianca, she has the hottest friends.

Yeah. Yeah.

Homecoming tickets, homecoming.

Hey, get your homecoming tickets now.

Half price now or double at the door. We're gonna be late.

Hey, Jess. Hey, Casey. Homecoming tickets?

Oh, we bought ours online. All right, cool. See you there.

Thanks. And I will not be attending, so...

Oh, my God, you do this before every dance.

Yeah, but I don't feel like going.

There's a Vincent Price marathon on, so I gotta watch that.

Who's that?

Shit, there's SeƱor Gomez. I'm failing Spanish.

Okay.

Mini Stalin, dead ahead.

Meet Madison Morgan.

As she would tell you herself, she's the hottest girl in school.

Even the gay guys wanna date her.

I would totally bang the shit out of her.

But I wouldn't like it.

Love.

Sorry.

So, yeah, she was a bitch.

Were we fake friends with her? Kind of.

Girls, party at my place. I'm sure you've heard of it.

Can you make sure you get an insert shot of them opening it?

Yep, on it.

Oh, yeah, I'm doing a video about the party for my YouTube channel.

Wow, wait, you're having a party on a Wednesday?

On a school night? Yeah, I can do that.

Damn, dude. All right.

Well, yeah, we're in.

Bianca, you have to have an actual invite to get in, and I only have a certain amount.

But if anything changes, I'll let you know.

Problem solved. Oh, hey.

Look at that.

Wonderful.

Can't wait. Should I bring anything or...?

We'll... Okay.

Anupam and Lena, where are we on the school lunch article?

We thought we would make it about how the prices of ice cream have gone up 15 cents in the cafeteria and...

That's a bit vanilla. Pardon the pun.

But you're missing the meat of the story.

Our school serves pizza five days a week, paid by taxpayer money that is used to cover us against pizza-induced diabetes.

Now that's a school lunch story.

Copy that, circle it, write it.

Nailed it. I'm so proud of me.

We came up with that idea together, but mostly me.

Okay, next up, final assignment, all right?

It's a doozy, but it's a real feather in the cap for any reporter worth their salt that wants to comment on the social life of this school.

Anyone?

Not all at once.

No one?

No one at all? Any takers?

Bianca.

Just the gal I was hoping for.

Hello. Okay.

I want you to step out of your comfort zone and bring your special brand of journalistic gravitas to an article about homecoming.

Specifically, what homecoming means to me.

I mean, not to me. I never went to a dance when I was a kid.

Kind of a nerd. Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Arthur, but with all due respect, I'm...

You're honored and thrilled to lend that Bianca Piper magic?

You wanna do your thing and put some stuff in the words and make it pop?

That's so nice of you.

You don't have to do that. "No, you didn't. I didn't say..."

Yes, you did. And thank...

"No, I didn't, I didn't." Yes, you did.

And I thank you.

You did. And I thank you.

Yeah, that's not where I was going with that.

I'm sorry, "What Homecoming Means to Me"?

What are we, 5 years old?

What is this? Look, I'm sorry, B.

I know it sucks, but maybe it's the universe telling you, you need to be there.

Please, don't start with the universe with me this early in the morning, okay?

Everything and everyone can suck it.

Okay, it's not the end of the world.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

I don't have a date. I can fix that.

Jack Rebis. Tiny hands.

Mark Warshaw? Smells like trash.

Charlie Piper.

My cousin Charlie Piper?

Well, people don't know that.

Okay, I will keep looking.

We'll find someone.

Although Jess' menu of dudes was never-ending, there was only one guy I wanted to be my date.

And that's him, Toby Tucker.

I couldn't work up the courage to say three words to Toby.

No, literally, three words.

Okay, bye.

We're gonna kick some ass!

Jeez. I'll see you later, bro.

You know those people you grow up with, maybe you took baths with them when you were little, but now they just annoy the shit out of you?

I give you Wesley Rush.

Hey, neighbor. Wesley.

Saw you watching some weird Japanese horror movie last night.

Were you spying on me?

A, don't leave your curtains open, and two, it's kind of hard to miss a bunch of Japanese people running and screaming for their lives.

Looked horrible, by the way, all that reading.

Those would be subtitles.

Super. Where are your girls at?

Who wants to know? The only man in your life.

Wesley, you wouldn't be in my life if you were the only man left on the planet.

Sticks and stones, B.

Speaking of stones, rock-hard abs.

No, no. Touch them.

No, no one wants that. Graze them.

Hey, there you are.

Wesley and Madison were known around school as "The Relationship Strobe Light."

On again, off again, a thousand times.

Okay.

Bianca. Well, this is awkw...

Sorry, were you just hitting on my ex-boyfriend?

No, no. Just having some me time at my locker.

He approached me. Totally.

I agree. That could never happen.

I know you miss me.

That's a healthy thing you've got going.

Later, B.

B, it's a party.

You should wear something cute.

Here. Lots of options for you.

How about this?

Pretty.

What the hell is this, underwear? No, it's a camisole.

No? Not for you? Okay.

How about this? It's a little darker, kind of sexy.

Fine. Although I did hear Toby's gonna be at the party tonight.

Oh, like that would matter.

I mean, it's not like she's gonna say anything to him.

Excuse me, I might.

Maybe I'll, you know...

Yeah, on second thought, I think I'm just gonna stick with the old lucky party shirt.

Wait for it. Bianca, don't do it.

B. Says it on there.

No.

And, you know, maybe... No.

...I'll round it out with old trusty... Not the flannel.

Nice, muted tones. No.

That is not a good look.

This is a good look.

And that's my mom.

Three years ago my dad left her, and she did not handle it well.

But one night divine inspiration struck.

You can expect to go through five stages.

The first is denial. No way, because I'm not dying.

Second is anger. Why, you little...

After that comes fear.

What's after fear? What's after fear? Bargaining.

You gotta get me out of this. I'll make it worth your while.

Finally, acceptance. Well, we all gotta go sometime.

And just like that, she became Dottie Piper, local celebrity to the 40-and-over self-help crowd, all-around rock star and occasional mom.

All right, let me tell you something.

I was in the depression stage about my ex, but I combined my ex with "depression," and I got "expression." if you girls wanna really knock the boys out, you should project boldness with a power pantsuit combo.

I'm gonna look like Hillary Clinton, Mom.

I know, right?

Okay, kids, enjoy your party. I love you. I have another seminar to prep for.

Okay, bye. Bye.

I love your outfit. Caitlyn, can you make sure you get a shot of the desserts?

Jess, hair's looking good.

She needs a blow-out.

Here, Kelly, take the blue ones.

They're sugar-free, and I know you're trying to watch that kind of thing.

What?

You've got to be kidding me.

Wesley?

Caitlyn.

Hey, Mads.

Really? With this? Does she have to film everything?

Wesley, I'm what's known as pre-famous.

My life is an audition for reality TV.

So, yeah, I need to chronicle everything.

That was a good take for me. Get a wide shot too.

Hey, Caitlyn, take five.

Thanks.

This is why we are not dating, okay?

Because you, my friend, are a juvenile dipshit.

I could be dating college guys, Yeah.

Or famous people, or 30-year-olds.

That sounds like an awesome episode of Dateline.

Enjoy those saggy balls.

Fine, I will.

Come on, man.

Guys, I don't see Toby.

I don't know where Toby is. Come dance with us.

Do you think he didn't come?

Party pooper. No, no, guys, I don't dance.

Come on, B. Come on, B.

No, no, no. Yeah, you do. Come on, you dance.

You do. Come on.

Come on. Okay.

There you go. Hey.

Hey. Look at those moves.

See? Oh, man, all this dancing, made me so thirsty. I'm gonna get a drink.

B, really?

Let you get away Now, don't go away My darling, don't go away

Hey, Billy.

No, just Bianca. Jesus.

Looking very handsome tonight.

Why, thank you.

Having fun at the party?

Yeah, actually, your girls are looking incredible out there.

Have they asked about me?

When I told them that you were here, their eyes filled with this, like, sparkle, you know, with, like, childlike wonder, and then they just started dancing together.

It was kind of beautiful. Yeah, it was.

Do they do other things together that I might be able to join in on or just watch?

I'm kidding. Not kidding at all. Tell me everything.

Yeah, it's actually not my job to give you pervy intel on my best friends, but thanks. Well, I mean, it kind of is, though.

People ask you questions about them, right, because that's your job as their DUFF.

Sorry, as their what?

DUFF. D-U-F-F.

Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

What did you just say to me?

It's not like a big deal, okay? I mean, like, every group of friends has one.

The one who doesn't look as good, thus making their friends look better.

The one who's approachable and easy to talk to, because no one's trying to get in their pants.

And if you don't know who it is, chances are it's you.

Say when. Say...

Okay, look, I didn't mean it like that, all right?

The DUFF doesn't always have to be some heinous beast, all right?

Take a look at Robin.

Robin's, like, super cute.

Okay, but her friends are super hot.

Oh, God, that is such a guy thing to say.

Guys can be DUFFs too, okay?

You know my boy A.J., freshman on the football team?

We're in chemistry together.

Now he's doing the second most important job a DUFF can do, acting as, like, the gatekeeper to their better-looking friends.

The guy with the info people go to before they make their move.

Watch, watch. Is it true Wes is single?

Sure is, yeah.

Got it. Thanks, A.J. You're sweet.

Hi. Hey, Wes.

See? She gets her info, he gets to talk to a hot senior.

Even got a little action. I didn't have to do anything.

It's kind of like us right now.

Excuse me, that is not like us right now.

B, on an average day, how many guys ask you questions about Jess and Casey?

I don't know. It's a fair amount. Okay.

On an average day, how many guys ask you questions about you?

See? You friended up, okay?

Good for you. Good talk. You know what? Get back out there.

Have some...

Hey, what the hell was that for?

Stupid Wes.

It's not even...


Really?

Oh, God.

I am the DUFF.

Impress me to get to my friends.

I am the gatekeeper.

I'm not the DUFF.


Hey, Duffy.

Shouldn't you be working with a partner?

Shouldn't you be working at all?

Lab partner's got this.

Oh, boy. Clearly.

Bill Nye over there looks like she's about to drink that acid.

I work alone.

Take a hint. Why are you so grumpy?

You know, I should be mad at you. You ruined my favorite shirt.

You called me fat and ugly, Wesley.

What? No, I didn't. I called you the DUFF.

Yeah, excuse me.

It's just that stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend, dick face.

You can't take it literally, okay?

I mean, the DUFF doesn't actually have to be fat or ugly.

You know, like Tony Romo, he's a Dallas Cowboy.

It's not like he rides a horse, right?

I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

I'm just saying, I would never call anyone fat or ugly.

Okay? That's messed up.

But it's the word and it stuck. It's a catchall.

Oh, my God. Get out of here before I murder you.

Are you kidding? Okay. I'll murder you.

B, where the hell'd you go?

Home. Wasn't feeling good.

Oh, well, you didn't really miss much.

Yeah, except Jess making out with Ryan Jensen, the cops busting up the party, and, like, everyone TP'ing Rebecca Cutter's house.

She's right, it was pretty awesome.

Hello? Are you okay?

Yeah, just get the food.

Hey there, Jess and Casey. Hey.

Hey, Elaine.

Hey, you.

Hey, Jeffrey.

It was becoming harder and harder to deny the truth.

Without Jess and Casey... Hey, Jess, Casey.

Hey, Principal Buchanon.

...I ceased to be.

Girls, party at my place.

Hey, Jess. Hey, Casey.

Holy shit, I was the DUFF.

Jess and Casey. Jess and Casey.

Jess and Casey.

Jess and Casey.

Why was I Bosley? There were three Angels.

Okay.

You know in Batman when that guy falls into the vat of acid and becomes the Joker?

This was my "vat of acid" moment.

My best friends made me the DUFF.

And that made me...

Angry.

Bianca, let's go. You'll be late for school.

The world gave me the gift of invisibility, a license to not give a shit.

You look crazy.

Crazy amazing.


Oh, God, even my car's a DUFF.

I couldn't even look at Jess and Casey, they made me so mad.

Our entire friendship was a sham, and everyone knew but me.

Hey, B, will you take a look at my fashion piece?

I need a layman's opinion.

You're aware I'm a woman, right?

What? Oh, no. "Layman," it's just a phrase.

I just mean you're not a fashion expert.

Oh, so I have bad style?

Whoa, someone's in a mood. Lighten up.

Lighten up? Because I'm so heavy?

Is there a problem?

Outside.

How could you guys not tell me this whole time that I was your DUFF?

Our what? Your Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

Yeah, yeah. Wesley told me everything.

He can't even spell. That's actually pretty creative for Wes.

Since when do you care what Wesley Rush says?

He says crazy stuff all the time.

Because it makes sense.

I mean, why else would two super hot, popular girls wanna be friends with somebody like me?

It's because you're using me to make yourselves look better.

Okay, just because you think one of us is better-looking than you...

Oh, my God. There it is, there it is. You know what? No, no, no.

I'm glad you said that, because it makes what I'm about to do a whole lot easier.

Yeah, go ahead and check them.

Did you just unfriend me?

You bet your ass I did.

Well, fine.

Then I am taking you off of Instagram.

Well, hallelujah, okay?

I don't have to look at pictures of your artisanal cappuccinos every morning.

How dare you? You love those foam faces. They're foam-tastic.

Look, we're going through something over here.

Guess what else.

Unfollowed y'all on Twitter.

Oh, perfect. No more of Bianca's almost-ironic tweets for the day.

Oh, that's rich, coming from this guy, who's RT'ing them all day long.

They're pity RT's.

You know what?

I'm taking you off of my We Heart It and my Vine feed.

Oh, great, because I don't like your loops, okay?

And you know what else? I'm blocking your ass on Tumblr.

And you, you're off my Snapchat.

Well, fine.

Fine. Fine.

I'm a free woman.

And don't you dare be creeping on my Pinterest, whores.

I'm so sorry, Susan. I'll see you tomorrow.

Wes had made me see the school differently, and I wasn't happy about it.

It didn't matter what group you were in, it was unavoidable.

Even if you weren't in a group, like Creepy Carrie Raskowitz.

I'm my own best friend.

Did any of these people know where they stood in the social hierarchy?

Cool socks.

Really dig them.

I wanna make out with your face.

Good, because my face wants you to make out with it.

Socks?

They...

What the...?

I never knew why I couldn't talk to Toby.

Now I did.

Because, like everyone else in school, he knew what I was.

And subconsciously I knew it too.

It was all so easy for Wes.

Look, I'm no wine expert, but I'm pretty sure you mix red and white, you get rose.

He could talk to anyone. Wesley.

Back to work.

Take a seat, Mr. Rush.

That's your third F. I don't know what's going on with you.

But the principal and I talked and we decided until you get your grades up, you're suspended from the team.

Well, can't we talk to Coach Grant about it?

Yeah, Coach Grant agrees with my decision.

Okay, okay, look, I can't lose my scholarship.

It's the only way I can get into college.

I wish you would've thought of that before.

You want me to what?

I don't wanna be anybody's DUFF anymore, okay?

I wanna be my own person.

I'm tired of being the approachable one.

I wanna be the dateable one.

You're asking me for dating advice?

Today of all days? Are you kidding me?

Look, I have a crush on this boy.

His name's Toby Tucker. Maybe you've heard of him.

Well, I can't seem to talk to him without making a total ass of myself, okay?

And you never seem to have this problem.

Don't you hate me? I'm glad you asked. Yes, I do.

But only because you're a dipshit and a man-whore.

But you're the only one in this whole school who told me what was actually going on.

So you're an honest dipshit, and that's what counts.

Thanks? Can we just...?

Can we just cool it for a second?

Okay, here's my offer.

I will make sure you pass science if you help me with this.

I mean, you got the easy part. You could pass science in your sleep.

I have to reverse-DUFF you. Are you wearing pajamas?

Oh, my God. You know, I get it Wesley, okay?

I'm disgusting. I'm a swamp thing.

I'm a regular Bela Lugosi. Who?

I can't even believe I thought that I could ask you something like this.

Just forget it.

You know, have fun playing intramural Wii golf this season, dick face.

Okay, okay, okay.

Come here.

Look, I'm an idiot.

And idiots don't exactly give great advice.

Well, look at it this way.

It's not like you could make me any more awkward, right?

That's true.

See? Idiot.

So, you'll do it?

Yeah. Yes.

On one condition.

You gotta ask me in monster voice.

Wesley. Monster voice? Yeah.

From when we were little?

No, I don't... I don't remember it.

You sure? Yes, I don't...

I couldn't even... Okay.

Bianca need Wesley help.

Please, Wesley, help Bianca?

There you go. That's not bad. You still got it.

So easily amused.

We got a deal? Yeah.

I was just going low, that's all. Just...

Yes. All right. Okay.

So, you have to pass the chemistry midterm, okay?

So, we'll focus on that first. Yeah.

And where do we start with me?

The mall, noon, Saturday. All right, cool.

Will there be a lot of walking, though?

Because I'll wear my Shape-ups. Having some...

Text me.

I was nervous, relying on the school Neanderthal, but what was the worst he could do?

Are you kidding me with this? I'm not.

Wes, if I wanted to go shopping and talk about girly stuff, I could've done that with Jess and Casey.

I need you to give me real talk. Real talk?

You got a uniboob, your posture sucks, and your clothes fit weird because you wear the wrong size bra. Boom, real talk.

I watch a lot of Project Runway. What's up?

Step one: first impressions matter, so take some pride in your appearance.

Ladies, this is Bianca.

Take good care of her. I'm gonna get the hell out of this section.

Wes, no, don't go.

What do you think? Hey, look at those.

You... You look great. Thanks. That's enough.

Well, I know my boobs. Okay.

Can we leave? Definitely not.

We've got the whole place. We are just getting started.

Step two: time to show the world who you are.

The truth is, I don't know who you are from your clothes, okay?

You need to start dressing more like you, and less like Wreck-It Ralph.

Fine. Dressing rooms are back there, and maybe try on a new attitude while you're at it.

Get in there.

Can we please just make this quick?

Okay, next.

Try to keep it in your pants. Next.

Nope. This one might be my favorite yet.

It's not that bad.

Okay, perfect. Hold that pose.

Are you filming me?

Game tape, for review. This is what you look like when you're not overthinking things, actually having some fun.

If anybody ever sees this, I'll rip your nut sack off.

I'll rip it right off.

Okay. Rip it.

Super aggressive. Look, if this is gonna work, you gotta lighten up, and you're gonna have to trust me.

All right.

It's go time. Okay.

Here we go. Yeah.

Rub the belly.

Oh, yeah. You got moves.

No.

Okay, dancing makes it worse.

No, no, still worse.

Is that good? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you twerking?

What's that?

Oh, my God.

This is just getting weird now.

Look out. Okay.

It's a little weird now.

Yeah. Okay, I think... I think we're good.

We're... No? You're...

Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you, Toby.

I'm really, really into you.

Don't tell me. Tell Toby.

Toby Tucker. I didn't know you were here.

I have feelings for you.

Look at me, Toby.

Don't look at me. Look at me.

Put your arm around me.

Toby...

You're a little excited, aren't you? Toby...

Toby, that is unbelievably inappropriate.

But it doesn't feel bad.

Okay. I need to talk to you, Toby.

Oh, God, I want you so bad. Toby...

I'm gonna change. We should... We should go.

What the shit?

You're messing with the wrong girl.

Looks like the lessons are off to a real great start there, coachy.

Oh, did you have fun in here? No.

No?

You sure about that?

Oh, God, please, make it...

Make it go away. It's very bad. No.

Step three, okay? Smile more.

You're really cute when you're having fun.

So we are off to a great start, smart-ass.

Try it on.

You know, I'm really tired. I think we should just take a break.

Okay.

All right, what are you really looking to get out of your boy, Tony?

Toby. Tuba? You wanna blow his horn?

Put your hand on his instrument? Little:

Was that a little laugh? There was a little laugh there.

You laughed. You did laugh. I had a small stroke.

Yeah, like a midget jerking it.

You get it? Because he's small?

That was...

Okay, fine.

Talking to Toby scares you, right?

The only way to get over it is to face it right here, right now.

See Sweater Guy over there?

I want you to walk over and get his phone number.

No. Be totally gangster about it, okay?

Just say, "I could tell from across the room we might be into each other.

Now that I'm here, I know it. Your move."

Have you met me? Okay.

I couldn't get through three words of that.

All right, walk over and say, "Hey there."

"Hey there"? Hop up.

Get up.

All right, deep breath.

Shoulders back.

Lick your lips a little bit.

Don't worry about the lips. Go, strut your stuff.

Like a peacock.

Hey there.

Hey there.

Is that a wiener in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?

No, it's a bratwurst.

Oh, yeah. No.

But is there a place to get a hotdog here in this mall or...?

Yeah.

Oh, hey.

Right?

Okay. Okay.

Bye-bye.

Did you want to go out with me, though?

Out where?

To dates?

To a date? On a date? To a date?

No.

No. Okay.

Oh, you're good.

You're good.

Where are the cameras?

Oh, of course. It's a YouTube video, right?

It's a joke. It's a YouTube video?

Who would wanna go out with this guy, right?

Oh, man, you're so good. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Totally believable.

Great. Thank you.

How many hits did this get? Lot of hits.

I'm taking a lot of hits today. All right, see you later.

Cool. Okay.

Where can I find it online? Yep, bye.

Man, so many unanswered questions.

Really good. Thank you so much for that, teach.

That was an awesome lesson. I'm humiliated.

Okay, look, it was just the tryouts, all right?

We're sizing up your strengths and weaknesses.

And? And...

You're horrible. I hope you like cats.

Kidding.

Next mission is to talk to 15 guys.

Yeah, 15 guys, without completely falling apart, okay?

Step five: take a few hits.

Nope. Okay.

I can do this. How hard could it be? Just do it.

Excuse me, I... can't do this.

Hey, I see you have a reusable bag.

You're not listening.

Hey, is this seat taken?

Oh, you're busy. I'll come back a little later.

We have to stop meeting like this.

You're always going up.

Best part about it is it's glass. Sure, it's cumbersome to carry around, but I don't wanna have breast cancer because I'm drinking out of plastic water bottles my whole life.

It's not really worth it, you know.

Like, in Japan, the... You have to go? Okay.

Long day, huh?

Too long.

Just get off work? Kind of.

Do you work here too? Oh, I'm at the yogurt place.

I'm a toppings consultant.

Oh, my God. I didn't even know they had those.

I've actually been making a lot of poor choices with my toppings lately.

Oh, have you? Well, I got a card I can give you.

I'm Allen. Hey, Bianca.

Nice to meet you, Bianca. Nice to meet you.

All right, so, what's the number-one mistake that people make when it comes to toppings?

Good question.

Granola. Granola?

You wanna know why? Yeah.

Wes, I did it. I just got that guy's number.

Attagirl. I know.

Think I deserve a little treat.

I'm telling you, I'd really lost hope around guy 17, you know.

Then came guy 21. Couldn't shut him up.

Easy. Real chatty Cathy.

Easy. All right, don't get cocky.

Today was only day one.

Still, it felt pretty good, so...

Thank you. You're welcome.

All right, well, you held up your end of the bargain, so I guess I will hold up mine.

Here are my chemistry notes, okay?

Live by this, and you shall pass the midterm.

Yeah.

Enthalpy, entropy.

Pauli exclusion principle?

I was... Wesley?

Can we run? She's coming over.

Oh, my God. What a coincidence it is seeing you here. Hey.

So, you two, huh?

We're not... We're not here together.

We just bumped into each other here.

Yeah. No, obviously, I don't... I wouldn't wanna be...

I couldn't possibly care less.

Caitlyn, can you make sure you get a shot of them together, please? Yep.

That's what sucking at life looks like.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna get started. I have to...

I am late for an event.

Yeah. So I'm gonna...

Mine is this way, though.

What are you doing?

You caught me. I'm uploading pictures to my profile.

Just hang on a sec. They're still loading.

Sorry, your profile for what?

A dating site. I signed up for all of them.

Match, eHarmony, ChristianMingle, JDate.

JDate? You're not Jewish.

I know. That just makes me more exotic on the site.

Note to self.

Okay, here we go. Here's my profile pic.

Tell me what you think. Be brutal. Okay.

Oh, you're gonna use the book picture?

Oh, is it too formal?

Well, it is a little...

Well, it's either that or all the duck-head poses people do on here.

Oh, no, no.

Dear God, it's "duck face," and stop that forever.

All right. I'm just trying to get more of these thingies, these flirties.

This is a tough conversation for me.

Let's focus on the picture. Here we go.

Oh, look, arm-fold head-tilt. That's a classic.

I think we can find something better.

Let's see. Oh, yeah, what about this one?

This is a good one.

That was Florida. Seems like a long time ago.

Yeah, you look so relaxed and happy. Yeah, well, I was.

There you go. Thank you.

This girl's gonna have the flirties rolling in.

Well, we'll see. This is all so new for me.

Well, it seems like we're both trying new things, then.

What I'm talking about is a good, old-fashioned crush on a boy.

Yeah, his name is Toby. Toby.

Yeah, I was kind of having trouble getting him to notice me, so I've brought on a sensei.

Wesley Rush.

Wesley Rush?

From next door? Okay.

Honey, why don't you just go to Jess and Casey?

You always trust their advice.

I just thought I'd branch out.

Okay.

Actually, I mean, what had happened was, I was at...

Was this sensei thing your idea?

Yeah, but I... Good.

That means you're being mentally tough and making decisions.

That's what half of my last book was about.

When you become proactive, your problems become subtractive, and then good things are bound to happen.

Wow, okay. Little of the old proactive, subtractive.

Got it. I'll remember that if you remember no more duck face.

No duck head. Duck face.

Oh, I got a flirty.

Mazel tov, Dottie.

Do you know what you're wearing for homecoming yet?

Because I can't find anything. Do you think short, long?

What do you think?

Despite missing my ex-best friends, my mom was right.

I could sense that good things were about to happen.

Come on.

It's been two weeks. This is crazy. I know.

Toby Tucker, I've loved you for a long time.

Mr. Tucker. Wes.

Oh, my God. Big, fat ass.

Big, fat ass.

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

At least it only has six views.

Oh, Toby, don't stop.

Don't stop.

I wanna be your wife.

How do we look together? How do we look together?

The most beautiful couple? My God.

Is that Bianca Piper?

Yep. Oh, my God, that is so horrible.

I would hate it if that was me and people saw this.

I should totally forward this. Me too.

Viral? Viral.


Oh, Toby.


Did you read the comments on that video?

Yeah. It says, "That mannequin just made out with a five."

Oh, my God, he called her a five.

"Bianca Piper's ass means the terrorists have won."

I feel bad for Toby.

"Flash mob hump session on Toby at 3:30"?

He's gotta be so embarrassed. His senior year is going to suck.

They do not clean those mirrors.

Oh, that is awful. Whatever.

Listen, she's the one that ended things with us, Jess.

I love your eyes, they're so... Just make that go away.

Toby... Casey, shut the site down now.

Okay, fine.

Oh, my...

You know Bianca well. Do you think she'd put this up to get attention?

Not likely.

Don't we just look so cute together?

Problem solved.

Solved my ass.

This school, this entire school, is filled with cyber bullies.

Do you know what that means? That means retaliation videos.

Comments, likes, tweets, memes, and whatever the hell else they do to each other nowadays.

It's like a prison yard out there.

Look, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

Have you not seen Dateline?

Catfish? Pretty Little Liars?

What? Nothing.

Look, having had experience in this area, I think we gotta deal with this in a way that's private and sensitive.

Yes, yes, we do not negotiate with terrorists.

That is the opposite of what I just said.

Attention, students. The halls of our prestigious institution have been compromised by the stench of cyber bullying.

It is the stench of ones and zeroes, and electronic hardware probably manufactured somewhere in China.

But these "YOLO terrorists" will not be tolerated.

Malloy High will now be put under Internet martial law.

That's right. Each student will be required to turn in their phones to teachers and retrieve at the end of the day until we have gotten to the bottom of this.

No more phone. Oh, can you hear me now, jerks?

There will be no Vine, no Flickr, no Tumblr, no Tinder, no Facebook, no Hulu, Just say no Internet, we get it. No Grindr, no WhatsApp, no Instagram, no Pinterest, no wiki anything.

That is all.

Fight on, Blue Devils.

Oh, and remember, it gets better.

What? You heard him.

Drop them in the box.

You can pick them up after school, maybe.

God, I've waited a long time for this.

All of them, Robert.

All of them.

Thank you.

What's that buzzing I hear?

Dick.

That's gross.

Oh, I don't think he meant me too.

Hit "send," drop.

When I went to high school in the '90s, we didn't have emoticons.

We had actual facial expressions.

Look into it.

What's up, narc?

Not only was I the school's most famous DUFF, I was now the least-liked person in it.

Thanks for destroying my life. I just thought of something funny, and now nobody's gonna know. Hope you're happy.

These are useless.

It could not have gotten worse.

Oh, wait.

Of course, it could.


Yeah, Matt and I, last cup, boom, hit it.

You happy now?

Is this one of your lessons?

Hey, dummy humper, I found you a new boyfriend in health class.

This is Toby too.

What do you think?

Oh, Toby.

Oh, just give it to me, Toby.

Oh, just a little pinch right there. Just... Oh, he's dirty.

Oh, he's going to town on me, Toby.

Oh, Toby. Are you gonna do anything?

You're my special little Toby. I can take you home with me.

Boobs look good. New bra?

Thanks a lot.

Oh, peaches and pears.

Can I have peaches and pears? Okay.

Hey, Bianca, it's Wesley.

Hey, look, I just... I wanted to say that...

Can I come in?

I deserved that.

Here.

I promise, I didn't send the video, okay?

I overheard Madison bragging about it to her friends.

I mean, the angles weren't even from where I was sitting.

Why is your hand messed up?

Well, you're not the only one running around punching people today.

No one else sees that video. Tell everyone.

I don't know that many people.

Well, make some more friends and tell them.

What?

Thanks.

I've never had anybody go on a punching spree for me before.

Well, don't get used to it.

Now there's rumors going around I'm on 'roids.

Aren't you? Well, irregardless...

Not a word. Well, irregardless of that...

A little peace offering. Oh, my God.

Wes, the dress?

You didn't have to do this.

I never should've called you the DUFF, okay?

That was stupid.

We good? We're good.

Thank you.

You know what's not good is I saw Toby today.

He could barely look at me.

I think I'm just gonna, like, write him a really long letter just apologizing profusely and, you know, maybe send him an Edible Arrangement.

Stop, stop. Edible Arrangement?

Look, you don't have to apologize for anything, okay?

Step six... Let's let the steps go.

Step six: just own it. Grow some balls.

Tell him you know the video sucks, but you're into him, and to deal with it.

And if he's still weird, he's a jackass.

Sometimes it's that simple.

Now, I'm off to study Hess's law and how it relates to enthalpic chemical change.

Who are you and what have you done with Wes?

Or maybe I'll just Google celeb nip slips.

Curtains open.

There he is. See you tomorrow.

See you.

Here are your phones, kids. Thank you.

Thanks. Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Everyone, get your phones.

Thank you.

Hey, you're welcome.

Hey there.

Hey, Bianca.

Got a second to talk to a fan?

Yeah, sure, what's up?

I'm assuming you've seen the video.

Yeah. It's true.

I am into you.

And so I thought I should just be straightforward and tell you to your face.

I'm flattered.

And impressed.

Not a lot of people would have the balls to say all that.

Well, that's my whole thing.

Big old balls. Right.

I think this is the first time that you and I have ever really talked.

It's kind of nice.

Yeah, it is.

All right, well... Okay.

Well, yeah. So...

I'll see you around. Okay.

All right. Thanks.

See you. Bye.

Bye. We said it at the same time.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, shit.

We should hang out sometime.

Yeah, I'd like that.

How's this Friday? This Friday... is gonna be fine for me. It's good.

Cool. Meet at my house?

Seven o'clock? Yes, 7 is good.

All right. See you.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Wes. Hey.

What the hell? You embarrassed?

Now you know how it feels. Whoa, who let her in?

Wes? Whoa, Bianca, what the hell is this?

Kind of looks like a penis, only smaller.

Wes?

Wow, boys' locker room. Nice.

I need to talk to you about something.

So... What?

You have a question? Yeah. Don't do that.

Question? You do.

Stop. You don't.

Come on, please. It's important.

What do you want? Let's go.

Okay.

So you asked him out? Yeah.

That's awesome. Yeah.

What's the problem?

If you must know, I've never been on an actual date before.

Okay, okay. Sit down, sit down.

We got this. Come here. All right.

Step seven: the date. Okay, we need a plan.

You think a football team runs on the field without a strategy?

Exactly, no. Of course, they don't. No, of course, they don't.

You want this date to end with you making out, you need to think ahead.

So give me the vibe of the restaurant you're going for.

Okay, I'm thinking something kind of trendy, you know, kind of hipster, maybe unique?

Done. Dave & Buster's.

The place with the metal claw game? You bet your ass.

Okay, you, Toby. Let's get started.

Worst scenario is if you get seated at a table right across from each other.

Okay, no one's making out if they're 3 feet apart. Simple geology.

You need a booth, okay? It's better for flirting, not-so-accidental touching, making out. Game on.

Wow, I had no idea guys like you even thought about this kind of stuff.

Well, that's because you're racist against jocks. You're a jock-cist.

Okay, moving on.

Okay, so how do you set the tone at dinner?

Lighting matters, okay? The darker the booth, the better.

Lighting, dark booth. Got it. What's next?

Body language.

Is he leaning in?

Is he sitting close? I don't know...

And then it's all about interaction.

Is he trying to impress you?

Does he say complimentary things to you?

If yes, chances are he's gonna make his move.

And touchdown.

Wes.

I always wanted to do that to the coach's board.

It's big because it's on a chalkboard.

We gotta go. Come on. Let's go, let's go.

Hey, DUFF queen, wanna show me some of them moves?

Bianca? Yes.

The video was hysterical. Eat a dick.

Thanks. I just had a bagel, though, so I'm full.

Mr. Arthur, I'm really sorry. I...

No, don't worry about it. Step into my hallway.

I don't play favorites, but you're my favorite.

You ever heard the phrase, "The pen is mightier than the sword"?

Yeah, and in this case, a bunch of kids anonymously typing whatever comments they want feels like an atomic bomb, and that's definitely mightier than a sword.

So make your writing have a positive effect.

As in a certain homecoming article that's due.

Oh, please, Mr. Arthur, the last thing I wanna do is go to a place where everybody hates me and then write about it.

I picked you for a reason.

And whatever you write, I'm running it as our lead, so make it count.

Inspire us. Remember, the pen is mightier than the sword.

Simon, get your finger out of there.

You're not my father. Yes, I am your daddy, Simon.

What do you want me to say? I have nothing to say.

I do everything around this house and you don't do...

Oh, here we go. Well, it's the truth.

Wesley, will you get the door?!

Oh, don't yell at him. He has nothing to do with this.

Save it for therapy, okay, honey?

Wesley, get the door! Okay, enough, I got it.

Hey, ready to go get down with some bro-valent electrons? Yeah.

Do you wanna talk about it? I'd like to not talk.

Well, I know just the place.

You see why I need that scholarship?

Hey, B, where the hell are we going?

My special place. You'll see.

Is this where you kill me? Yes.

They're never gonna find you out here.

I give you Think Rock.

What happens here?

Well, it's gonna blow your mind, but sit on the rock.

Good, good.

And then you think.

Try it.

How'd you find this place?

I used to run up here a lot with Pepper, and she would always make a direct beeline to this rock.

I remember Pepper.

How's she doing?

I guess she's okay.

When my parents got divorced, my mom wanted custody of me, and my dad wanted custody of the dog.

Yeah, so I think that pretty much sums it up right there.

Are your...?

Are your parents gonna get divorced? God, I hope so.

I just... I...

It's okay.

It's not okay.

But it will be.

I promise.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

No, I... It's okay, I...

What...? Were you...? That... You know what?

That was... That was practice.

Sorry, practice for...?

For step eight, okay, for... Of the plan.

That was practice in case you hadn't made out with anyone in a while.

It's all part of the plan?

It's just practice, just a guerrilla-style practice session?

Sneak attack.

Really?

Okay.

Is that what it felt like?

That I hadn't made out with anyone in a while or whatever?

Well, I mean, I'm more of a tongue guy myself, but...

You don't say? I think I felt it poking out my butthole.

So far down my throat.

Are you giving me kissing advice?

Man, I guess I am.

B. You need it.

That's how people kiss.

In porn, maybe.

What's wrong with porn?

If this was a porn movie, we wouldn't be sitting on a rock having a conversation.

You know, you'd be bringing me a pizza or, you know, cleaning my pool.

How old is the porn you're watching?

That doesn't... That's not... That's not even a thing anymore.

They don't do that?

All right, you know what?

I'm gonna give you a lesson.

It's gonna be free. The first one's always free.

All right, this is how girls like to be kissed.

We're doing this? We're doing this.

Close your eyes.

Ready. Okay, okay. Lean in.

Go slow, okay? Let the tension build.

So much to learn.

Okay, ready? No.

Okay, now lean in.

Slow.

Oh, no.

That was a good one.

You are a phenomenal kisser.

Thank you. That's how we like it. What is that?

Are you feeling a little better?

Yeah, okay, a little bit.

You're welcome.

Come on, let's go.

We have a date with the periodic chart.

The only periodic chart I know is the one that tells me what time of the month to avoid Madison. Hey!

I'm not gonna high-five you on that. Come on, science jokes.

Know how they say, "The hills have eyes"?

Well, it turns out the shrubs have bitches who videotape everything. Oh, here we go.

Well, you don't. You ever been kicked in the nuts?

Oh, God, you always come back with that.

Hey, B. Madison, how are you?

Do you wanna see something hysterical? Hold on.

Watch this.

Did you see the way that guy looked at you?

This part's the best. Definitely not.

Wait, just look at your face.

Oh, don't worry, it's a working title.

You know, I was thinking maybe "retail slut" or just "slut whore."

You thought the first video was bad.

Boy, this one's gonna destroy you.

What do you want from me?

Oh, I think it's adorable that Wesley indulged you in a pity make-out.

Oh, no, no.

I don't even know how you...

But it... That wasn't what it looked like.

Yeah, no shit, it's not.

Because Wesley and I are getting back together.

Is Wesley aware of this? He will be made aware.

Look, Bianca, I've tried to be nice. Have you?

So let me put this a little differently.

I don't like people thinking of my ex-boyfriend hitting it with someone like you.

The thing you have to understand is what happens in high school is gonna stay with us forever.

Most people don't think that, but then again, most people are losers.

Fascinating. People like me matter here.

People like you will never matter.

So stop messing it up for those of us who do.

See you in math.

In the past, her threat alone would've been enough to make me hide under my bed.

But I wasn't even trying to hook up with Wesley Rush.

I couldn't even imagine it.

I'm horny for sex.

Oh, hey.

Someone's pool need cleaning?

Also I brought pizza.

And I like to have sex with girls.

I'm a girl.

Okay, maybe I could imagine it, but I had to stay focused on my Toby mission.

Date night. I worked up all my courage and tried on the dress Wesley gave me.

In my head, I think I was expecting some big reality-show reveal.

All right.

But it was just me.

Me in a dress.

Ma, I'm off to my big night.

Whoa, look at you.

Wow, look at you.

Look at you not in a pantsuit.

I know. I have my first Internet date.

We both like Thai food, are athletically toned and lying about it.

Oh, my God.

That dress is beautiful on you. Thanks.

Wes gave it to me. Oh, what are you two doing tonight?

Oh, no, not... I'm not going out with Wes.

I'm going out with Toby. Toby's the guy that I like.

Right, well, that should be fun.

Yeah. I actually kind of feel nervous about it just because I feel like I might say something stupid, and I don't really know when... Honey, stop.

Believe, retrieve, achieve.

It is a mantra that I teach all of my clients who suffer from performance anxiety.

Believe it happened yesterday.

Retrieve your confidence.

Achieve your goals.

Just don't conceive.

Okay. Well, I'm off to do some believing and hopefully achieving.

Love you, have fun. Unless there was something else.

Nope, I'm good. See you, have fun.

Hey, look at you.

Studying almost like you were a real student.

Actually, I'm just waiting for strangers to walk by so I can show them this bad boy.

Oh, you're not the only B in my life. Suck it, science.

That is actually incredible.

I can't believe it. Congratulations.

Coach says I might get to play some football this year.

What?

I'm so proud of you. Good job.

My dress. Not bad for a DUFF, am I right?

It's my big Toby date night.

Off to a nice evening of talking about the finer things in life with a fellow intellectual?

Yes, please.

So, I mean, how do I look? Is this good, coach? Come on.

You look good.

Good? Wow, that's really a rave review.

I just mean that you look good, but you don't look like you.

What? What are you talking about?

What do you mean? No, tell me. Nothing, nothing. You look fantastic.

I got my grades up, you got your date. We're good.

Are you sure? You're being weird. You're being weird, okay?

Go. Okay, I'll tell you how it goes.

All right. Okay, bye.

Bye.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Hey. Hi.

Come on in.

Wow, you really dressed up.

This old thing?

So hey, where do you wanna go?

Because I actually heard that Dave & Buster's is, like, the cool, hip new spot.

The place with the metal claw game?

Yeah, that's the one. Fun, right? Yeah.

Well, I do love Dave & Buster's, but I actually took the liberty of making a reservation already.

Hope this is okay. Thought we could eat here tonight.

I've been teaching myself how to make sushi online.

I just thought it would be, you know, more personal.

Yeah, I like that.

Oh, those are the baked crab rolls.

Make yourself at home. That's Japanese tea, by the way.

So enjoy. Okay.

Nightmare. I'd only been trained for Dave & Buster's.

What did Wes say? That "no one's making out if they're 3 feet apart."

Okay.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey.

Everything okay? Oh, yeah. No, I was getting...

I was feeling, like, a draft over when I was here, so I just kind of scooted it on over here.

I can turn off the air. Oh, okay. Whatever.

That's probably a good idea.

The vibe. Darker the better.

Okay.

Really? What kind of light...?

What? Hey, Bianca. That's better...

Did we blow a fuse? I guess we did.

I was just over here looking at this picture of you in the tiny sweatpants, and it got dark.

I don't know. It's crazy.

I'll just flip the breakers, turn all the lights on.

Oh, you're gonna turn all the...? Turn them all back on? Okay.

What? Hey, let there be light, right?

Yeah. From the Bible.

Cool. That's crazy.

What's the crab doing right now? Oh, I'll go get him.

Okay, great.

I can't believe you made all this sushi.

This is like restaurant-quality sushi.

Like, look at this. Do you have a special tool for these?

It took a few hours.

If it has to do with my hands, I usually pick it up really quickly.

That's actually how I got into guitar.

Oh, yeah. Tell me more about that. I was a terrible student.

And so my mom used to stand outside my room to make sure that I was doing my homework.

Game on.

What? I said, go on with the story, because I'm loving it.

So then I just started writing poems, and those poems became songs and...

That is so cool.

I want you to take me...

Take me on this table right now.

What's up? Oh, California roll?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just really feeling this sushi.

It's really... It's doing something to me.

Yeah. Well, thanks.

No, like I said, it's the poetry of the chord progression intertwining with the poetry of the lyrics.

It's like two people in love.

Yeah, like a midget jerking it.

Yeah, funny. Actually, that kind of reminds me of a song that I wrote a few weeks ago.

I could play it for you later if you like.

Yeah, totally. Yeah, totally.

You know, I've been working on a poem myself.

There once a boy named Toby Tucker Bianca Piper just wished he would...

Okay, I think I'm gonna use the bathroom.

Where is it?

What are you doing to me out there?

What...? You're not into Wesley, are you?

You bet your ass, you are. Who's number one in your brain?

No. Get out. This guy. This guy is.

Yeah. Get out.

Okay, you've gotta pull it together, okay?

Toby Tucker is gonna play you a song, and you're gonna love it.

Here we go.

Are you okay? Little cold?

I'm a little chilly, yeah.

Oh, hang on.

There you go. Better?

Yeah, definitely. Thanks.

So here's the song.

Be gentle. I'm still working on it, so... Okay.

Baby, you set my soul on fire And, girl, you are my heart's desire Don't you know it's true In everything we do I just want it to be The two of us I don't know exactly how to rhyme that.

Oh, no. It's so good, though. Thank you. I think it's great.

I mean, I've been working on it for a little bit, so...

But enough about me.

I mean, how have you been, after that video came out?

It's been a little tough.

A lot of people... A lot of people saw it. I don't know.

To be honest, the saddest part about it is that...

I kind of got into a fight with my best friends, and...

Jess and Casey?

Yes, Jess and Casey.

And I don't know, it's, like, my fault pretty much.

I kind of wanna reach out, but I'm not really sure what I should do about it, and... You should talk to them.

I mean, they seem like really caring, understanding people, so...

Sorry, are you friends with them?

Yeah, Jess is in my drama class and I have trig with Casey.

Oh, yeah. You know...

I mean, Jess is, like, an amazing actress.

And dancer.

And dresser. Okay.

And Casey, she's, like, this, you know, fiery Latina.

You know, caliente, you know.

Yeah, she's very spicy.

But, you know, I'm not really friends with them right now, so...

Is it intimidating?

What?

Being friends with... And it's rare that I point this out, because I do not subscribe to the American ideal of feminine beauty.

But such powerful women?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

A friend of mine was wondering, do they have dates to the homecoming dance next weekend?

I tried to keep my composure, but...

Are you DUFFING me?

Excuse me?

You are.

This is a DUFF.

You're using me to try to get closer to Jess and Casey, because you think that I'm approachable, aren't you?

Okay, look, when you said that we should hang out Friday, I thought you were hinting that they were gonna be here.

Like, I thought that you were saying that they were into me.

I can't... I can't even believe this.

I can't believe for five seconds I thought that...

Bianca, Bianca. What?

Can I have my sweatshirt?

Okay, you know what? Here, you can have it.

Oh, hell, no.

Mr. Sushi?

The song was mine. Yeah.

I'm not surprised, because it was a piece of shit.

And so are you. Have a nice night.

Hello? Wes, it's Bianca.

Just kidding. It's my voice mail.

Wes, it's Bianca.

So it turns out that Toby's been DUFFING me the whole time.

And I've just been thinking about some stuff, and I just...

I'd really like to talk to you, okay? Call me back.


Hey, I got your message.

Yeah, forget about it. Just go home.

Look, I'm sorry about Toby.

Okay? He's an idiot.

You know, I saw you and Madison.

Okay. You were at my special place.

You know, that's my Think Rock.

You said I could use it.

Not as a Motel 6, Wes.

You were on a date with Toby.

Are you seriously mad at me right now?

I thought we were friends.

Come on, we're not friends.

You know, people like you don't hang out with people like me, you know?

That's just the way it is. Football guys, they date hot chicks.

And people like me don't date anybody.

I don't know why I thought it could be different.

What are you talking about? B, this isn't you.

Please, Wes, you're embarrassed to be seen with me at school.

Okay?

It's just...

This was an experiment, and it worked for you and it didn't work for me, so let's just forget it, okay?

B... Please, just go home.


So, what does homecoming mean to me?

The word "homecoming" itself conjures up feelings of warmth and comfort.

High school offers me none of that.

I know some people will tell you that homecoming is about celebrating, but to the majority of kids in school, it's just another night where you feel pressure to find the perfect date, the perfect outfit, and have the perfect evening.

Come Monday morning, it's back to reality.

I don't know about you, but I'm happy to sit this one out.

I didn't regret hitting "send," but I did regret how I left things with Jess and Casey.

So all of this because of some word?

It didn't feel like just some word to me.

I think deep down I've always known you guys were prettier than me, and I felt like I couldn't talk to you about it because you wouldn't understand what it felt like to be your schlumpy friend.

But, you know, you're wrong, because we all have our insecurities.

The point is, we're a team.

If anything, we're kind of chumps in comparison to you.

Okay, now you went too far. You had me and then you lost me.

Oh, no, she's right, B. You are by far the smartest one of the three of us. You're loyal, you're funny.

And we can't be Bianca, Jess and Casey without Bianca.

Thanks.

Okay, you know what?

Tonight how about we ditch our dates and have a girls' night?

Done. What? No, no way.

Guys, it's homecoming. You're definitely going.

I just... I can't see Wes.

Or Toby. Or anyone, for that matter.

Just let me stay here and lie amongst the pizza a little longer.

Absolutely not. Mom.

You're listening at the door again? Yes, I was. This is juicy stuff.

Now it all makes sense.

Mom, I've been through all of your stages, okay?

I am already at the fifth and final stage: acceptance.

Honey, forget about the five stages. I have got some real advice for you.

We're gonna call it stage 11.

Yeah, it's sort of acceptance plus, where you realize who you are, you accept it, and then you... turn it up to 11.

Is that supposed to be Robert Pattinson?

No, Spinal Tap.

The movie, Spinal Tap. "This one goes to 11."

Let's stop.

All right, honey, you're a weirdo.

Fine, own it. Be the best weirdo you can be.

You have spent the last month worrying so much about what other people think about you.

How about tonight you just worry about what you think about you?

Now I want you to get cleaned up, I want you to go to that dance, and rock that homecoming like my Bianca Piper would.

Passion plus action...

Oh, my God, I'm doing it again. No, no, it's okay, it's working.

You're good at this. I'm feeling mad inspired.

I think I have an idea.


There it is. I gotta say, this is some of my best work.

You are very talented. It's really perfect, Jess.

All right, I just talked with the guys, and I told them we're going alone.

Yes. Thanks.

So shall we?

Let's do this shit.

Fucking A.

Mom. Sorry.

She looks great. She's pulling it off.

Dude, she's 15 years old, man. She's a ten.

I don't care about 15. She's a ten.

And then she was all like, "Bitch, if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask."

And I was all like, "Bitch, if I cared what you thought, I'd ask."

My grandma is so annoying.

Wesley, what time is it?

Nine-fifteen.

Okay, they're announcing king and queen soon, so, Caitlyn, I wanna go over by the stage and get the very best lighting.

I'll be right back.


You guys, I'll be right back, okay?

Awesome dress, Bianca. Thanks, Robin.

Hey, Bianca, about the other...

Hey. Hey.

I could tell from across the room that we might be into each other.

Now that I'm here, I'm sure. Your move.

How was that? That was not bad.

Should I've gone with "Wiener in your mouth"?

No, no. Definitely not.

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

Look, about what I said the other day, of course we're friends, and that's cool.

But a guy I know once told me that if you like somebody, you should just be straight-up with them and tell them that you're into them.

So I guess that's kind of what I'm doing.

Wait, you're into me?

Yeah.

I kind of just got back together with Madison.

But that's good if you're happy.

What the shit?

Get out of my way.

Wow, that is an interesting dress.

Who makes that, Build-A-Bear?

Since you can't seem to leave my boyfriend alone, I cannot wait to release your video tomorrow.

Good. I'm glad you're excited about it. Go right ahead.

Fine, I will.

Plus Wesley would never leave me for some DUFF anyway.

Look, Madison... It's okay.

Madison, you used to make me so upset, but now I just feel bad for you.

Yeah, I'm somebody's DUFF.

Guess what, so are you. So is everybody.

There's always gonna be somebody prettier or more talented or richer than you, but it shouldn't affect how you see yourself.

You label everybody to try to keep them down, but you end up missing out on all this great stuff around you.

You have Wesley, and you treat him like he's stupid, but he isn't.

And people don't like him because he's with you.

They like him because he's, like, an amazing guy.

Look, I like myself.

I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.

And I realize now that none of this matters to me.

But it does to you. It's your dream.

And I totally support that.

Just don't tear me down for not giving a shit about your labels, because in the end, they're meaningless.

What?

Whatever you said was meaningless, okay?

You don't even get it. This is not my dream.

I don't need to... Okay, Blue Devils.

Oh, my God, here it is.

It's happening.

Okay, Blue Devils, it's time to crown our king and queen.

Hey, how'd it go?

Actually, really good. This year's homecoming queen is...

This one's got me a little nervous.

...Ms. Madison Morgan.

Me? What?

Oh, my God, of course.

Madison!

Congratulations, Madison. I knew it was me.

Keep it to yourself.

Yeah, Madison. All right.

And this year's homecoming king is...

Drumroll, please.

...Mr. Wesley Rush.

Wesley Rush.

Homecoming king. Come on up.

Wesley. Wesley.

Wesley.

Where's Wesley?

Aren't you gonna go get your crown?

No, I'm gonna get the girl.

Yeah, Bianca! Let's get the hell out of here.

All right. All right.

Yeah, all right.

Damn.

It was definitely the dress.

That is really great. Yeah, he is hot.

Are we breaking into the newsroom to hook up?

You bet we are. Who are you?

Wesley? What?

I just want to... I just want to... One more thing.

What? What? Just one thing.

No, they block out all the good sites.

What are you doing? I just have to...

No, no, if you're doing homework, I'm gonna kill myself.

It's just one quick thing. It's for my article.

I'm feeling inspired.

Okay, here, just rub my shoulders. Right.

What does homecoming mean to me?

If you asked me at the beginning of senior year, I would've told you, "Absolutely nothing."

But tonight, possibly the greatest night of my life, I have changed my tune.

You know that one moment in high school that changes everything?

Okay, I think I can probably finish this later.

It all started senior year, about a month before homecoming.

I was cruising the halls with my two best friends...

Wow, she's awesome.

Yeah, she is. I should forward this.

Viral? Viral.

I'm a DUFF.

I am a DUFF.

Yep, that's me.

I'm a DUFF. I'm a DUFF.

Okay, girl, I know some DUFFs too.

For what it's worth, what you wrote here struck a chord with me as well.

I mean, I know you won't believe me, but I was the DUFF out of my friends.

What? No.

There was no cool name for it like "the DUFF."

It was, like, "the dipshit," douche bag.

A. Urkel. Asian Urkel.

Nerd ass. Okay, no. Didn't need...

Didn't need the help, you know? Oh, sorry.

Whoa, look at this.

The site has thousands of comments and likes on it.

But they're positive this time.

Mr. Arthur was right.

Kids started writing to me with their own DUFF stories, and when I posted those, more kids responded until it just became its own thing.

Oh, and Wesley? He passed science.

He's going to Ohio State in the fall.

And since I got into Northwestern, we can visit each other.

A lot.

Hey, neighbor-slash-boyfriend.

Hi, neighbor-slash-girlfriend.

You hungry? I'm hungry.

Yeah, I could eat. Good.

Because I was hoping to take you to dinner.

How about a little Dave & Buster's?

Skee-Ball?

A dark booth? Yeah. I love it when you talk dirty to me.

Maybe we'll accidentally touch knees. Oh, can I?

Bianca kiss Wes now?

Monster voice sexy.

In the end, it's not about popularity or even getting the guy.

It's about understanding that no matter what label is thrown your way, only you can define yourself.

Take it from a DUFF.


Hit that... Hit that... That long one in the middle.

It's called a spacebar.

Hey. Now, that's a classic look.

You could be on the cover of GQ. Back cover.

Just a vest. Okay, MacGyver.

You talk about my son one more ******* time.

I swear, I'm just feeling the pressure.

If this makes it to Toshi, I'm telling you now... Toshi.

Now I know you...

Now I know that you...

This is not...

This is a... Not the article I want.

Dad, 17 pa... But it article we need.

Hey, Trevor. Have fun tonight, Trevor.

I hate you. No, you look adorable.

Ish.

I'm not happy!

I haven't been kissed in years.

Can we do one more...? Okay, not again.

Oh, are we making a movie?