The Dukes of Hazzard (2005) Script

Welcome to Hazzard County.

A little corner of the world where everyone knows everyone else...

... and people are never too busy to stop and say howdy.

Shoot, some folks even say this is where the apple pie was invented.

Yep, basically everything down here moves a little bit slower...

... unless, of course, your last name is Duke.

Man, the General's in good shape.

Bo, it's happy hour at The Boar's Nest, and we still got two deliveries to make.

It's all one big happy hour, Luke. Besides, we're taking a shortcut.

Hi, Luke.

I got this one. You sure that's a good idea, cuz?

It's a great idea. Come on.

Hey, Laurie.

You here to make your delivery? Well, I was hoping to.

Luke, remember last time.

Don't worry about it, cuz.

It's okay, Bo. Pa ain't here.

See, Bo? Pa ain't here.

Hi. Hi.

Play hard to get, little buddy.

Listen and learn, General.

And now, side two of the Al Unser, Jr. story:

No Questions, Only Unsers, as read by Laurence Fishburne.

"I'm too old for this shit."

That's what I was thinking as I turned into the final lap...

... running fourth at Talladega.

But then it hit me. Life is like a racetrack.

You gotta keep going round and round.

- That is so true. Sure, sometimes you crash and burn.

But if you don't make the turn, you ain't never gonna learn.

So I gripped the wheel tighter, checked my gauges, and made my move.

Make my move. Give you my move. Make it, mother...

Jesus Christ! Howdy, Bo.

Hey, Mr. Pullman. I nearly shit myself.

How you doing, sir? Oh, I'm fine.

You ready for that big Hazzard Rally this weekend?

Yeah, I got him all tuned up. Right, General?

How many times you won that, anyway?

Four in a row, sir. Four in a row.

That's good. Billy Prickett won it four in a row, and look what he's doing today.

Hey, you been hunting? Yes, sir.

Yeah, I been using those new whammy shells.

They scatter less for when you really wanna blow a hole in something.

Cool. Guns. Yeah.

Are you delivering all by yourself today?

Oh, no. I never travel alone, sir.

I like to think I travel with the man upstairs.

You know, Jesus.

You know, I like that attitude.

I'm gonna look around and find a boy like you...

...to date my daughter, Laurie, pretty soon.

Because she's getting curious about boys, you know.

Yeah.

Oh, you're talking about sex, right?

I just wanna keep that sorry cousin of yours away from her.

The way he looks at her galls me. You know what I mean?

You get back here right now, you son of a bitch.

Get back here.

Luke! Luke!

Why you running, you chickenshit? Goddamn Dukes.

You get the hell off my sister.

Jimmy! Oh, shit.

Damn you, Luke! You get back in the house!

Go, Bo, go! Luke, wait!

Put on a shirt! Come on, come on, come on.

I forgot about the brother. Go!

So happy hour?

You're gonna get us shot someday. Not today.

Not with you driving the getaway car.

So how was it? It's never bad.

Son of a bitch.

Here, load up with these whammy shells.

They'll blow a hole through an elephant's ass.

Look out.

Oh, goddamn it! You're gonna replace that.

What's he using? You don't wanna know.

Dadgum it, you just assassinated a tree.

Got a big kick to it.

Don't you worry. They can't touch the General. Come on, boy.

You missed, Jimmy!

Can't you shoot straight? Don't point that thing at me, you chucklehead.

Don't call me a chucklehead. I ain't a chucklehead.

Hey! Get that gun out of the wheel!

What are you doing? Hey. Hey. What the hell?

Goddamn it. I'm sorry, Daddy.

Let's go after them.

Bo, did you see that sign? I can read!

This is how you planned on losing them?

You ain't scared, are you?

Scared? Hell, no. I just don't wanna hear it from Uncle Jesse...

...when you break his bottles of shine.

I bet you the old phone book I don't break a bottle.

Phone book it is.

Daddy, you get me close, and I'll put a bullet in this son of a bitch.

Goddamn it, Jimmy!

Who says I can't shoot? Daddy? Daddy!


Bo and Luke Duke.

Cousins closer than brothers.

Both big-hearted, strong-willed...

... and restless as a couple of cats thrown into a swimming hole.


Nice driving, cuz.

What?

I won the bet, you son of a bitch. Oh, come on.

I didn't break any bottles, so I won the bet.

I was just joking about the bet. Oh, you were joking?

Yeah. Still getting the phone book, though.

Come on, double or nothing. Nope. Time to pay your debt, buddy.

Which side you want, right side or left?

Right.

Did I hear one of your teeth break?

I don't remember the Hazzard phone book being that thick.

This is Atlanta.

Bet was over. I can't believe that happened. I mean, the bet was over.

What are you doing? Where you want it?

Oh, man. Where you want it?

Left.

That was a good one.

Right in the ball sack. God.

In case of dehydration.

That'll put lead in your pencil.

Man, I'm already tired of walking. You could use a little exercise.

Them jeans of yours look tighter than Daisy's.

Oh, yeah? I bet you a cold beer I could beat you to The Boar's Nest.

That's five miles.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Face!

He came back.

What's Billy Prickett doing here?

Well, it looks like he's here for the race.

Man, those tires alone are worth more than the General Lee.

My, oh, my. Look at that. Billy Prickett's car, huh?

What's new in law enforcement, Enos?

They make you lieutenant yet? Hell, you know that'll never happen.

Maybe one of these days you'll wise up and come work for us.

We could use a man like you.

I don't know. I don't think it's a good time to be in the moonshine business.

Moonshine business? We ain't in the moonshining business.

But if someone were in the moonshining business, why would it be a bad time?

Now, Luke, you know I can't say anything. Boss Hogg'll tan my hide.

He spanks you?

Hey, Dil, what do you want? We just ordered.

By the looks of this place, I'll take two bottles of Pepto...

...and a shot of penicillin, right?

Jesus, mother of Mary.

Look away, man. Trust me, look away.

Don't worry about it. I won't hurt her.

There ain't nobody in this bar concerned about you hurting her.

All right, all right.

Y'all ready to order?

You better be reading my nametag, friend.

I am, I am. I noticed your initials were double D.

Oh, sweet Jesus. I'll give you one more chance.

You wanna order, or you wanna sit around and make stupid jokes?

Ain't gotta get fussy. We're having a good time.

I'll tell you what, I'll order. We don't want no problems.

Let's see...

Do those legs come over easy?

Oh, my God.

How about the special, sir? Dil Driscoll!

You stop bothering that nice girl and pick on somebody your own size.

Billy Prickett. Hey, it's Billy Prickett!

Welcome home, boy. You old mule.

Hey.

Why don't you cool off, Dil?

Come on, boy. Let's get out of here. My, my, my.

Holy hell, Luke. There he is, right there. That's Billy Prickett.

Should I buy him a drink?

Maybe you should buy him flowers and chocolates.

Give me a Miller. Make it a Löwenbräu.

How you doing?

Hey, Billy Prickett. Welcome back to Hazzard.

See, boys, I told you all the waitresses in this place was dog ugly.

Man. I'm only fooling with you.

Fellas, this is Bo Duke.

Bo is looking to break my Hazzard Rally record. What is it now, four in a row?

Yeah, well...

All streaks must come to an end, Bo. I'm calling this one "the drive for five."

Well, I'm looking forward to the race. Hey, Dil!

This is the boy who's trying to break my record.

Oh, really? I'm Dil Driscoll, crew chief.

Bo-Bo, have a seat. Really?

So, Billy, what's it like being in the circuit?

Well... Hey, Billy, join me for a drink?

Oh, well, you sweet little thing.

Fellas, I'm awfully thirsty all of a sudden.

Bo-Bo, may the best man win.

John, another round!

So, Bo, what's the story on that little pistol over there?

Because she gave me a ride earlier.

Well, actually, she's my cousin.

Oh, really? You hitting that?

She's my cousin. Hopefully you're kissing cousins, right?

Come again? Son, all I'm really trying to ask you...

...is if you shuck her corn.

Now, there are certain things you just don't say to a Duke about another Duke.

I'll shuck your corn!

Excuse me a second.

Pick him up! Pick him up!

Hey, hey. Can I get in on this?

Yeah. Sure.

Oh, buddy.

Here we go.

Fifty bucks on the Dukes!

That makes two, Luke! Attaboy!

Hey, Billy Prickett!

Careful, Bo-Bo.

Don't hit him. That's A.J. Foyt!

Really? The fourth!


Hey, can I hit this guy? Kill them all!

The ribs are greasy. The beans are cold.

Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane.

Closest thing to law enforcement in Hazzard County.

Rosco's been after the Duke boys since they started walking.

Of course, some people say the boys' first steps...

... landed right on the sheriff's last nerve.

Dukes. Just once you two ought to try leaving a place...

...in better shape than it was when you walked in.

Oh, I think your boss can afford to replace a few broken beer mugs.

I heard there was a little incident earlier...

...concerning a certain crappy orange hot rod out at the Miller farm.

Y'all really upset some of them construction boys.

When I got there, they were not being gentle with your beloved piece of crap.

What'd you do, Rosco?

I can't say she's gonna be in real good racing shape for the rally this weekend.

You watch yourself, hillbilly boy.

Come on, boys. My shift's over. I'll take you over to Cooter's.

Come on.


Jefferson Davis Hogg...

... the meanest man in Hazzard County.

He's canny as a fox, tough as a badger...

... and crooked as a hillbilly's smile.

Well, Rosco.

I see you have redecorated.

Interesting style. What do you call it?

Well, sir, the Dukes... The Dukes.

I had a feeling.

I've got some important things happening here this weekend.

Yes, sir. Are you gonna take care of the Dukes...

...or am I gonna have to make other plans?

I'm on top of it, Boss.

That's what I'm afraid of.

You ready? Is it bad?

Not good.

Hell, this is worse than the time you sunk it in the Tipton Swamp.

Mostly cosmetic damage, right, Cooter?

Mostly. Yeah.

He's gonna be ready for the race, right? Race? Come on, Bo.

I mean, the General doesn't race.

The General erases the competition.

Who does this?

It would make a nice hat or a slipper.

You know what? Just leave the General here with me. I'll see if I can fix...

I'll have it up running in no time. Meanwhile, you boys take my truck.

What if you need to tow somebody?

If I can't "toe" them, I'll just finger them. You know what I mean?

Close one. Even shell-shocked, he's a better driver than you are.

Thanks, Cooter. Yeah.

Chin up.

Daisy?

Jesse L. Duke.

- Uncle Jesse to you. Daisy.

Now, Jesse's been two places in his life:

Hazzard County and Korea.

Daisy? I'm in here.

- As far as he's concerned... Where are you?

I'm in the shower.

- that's one place too many.

Ready or not, here I come.

How's it looking, good looking? Well, I fixed the vapor coils...

...but the boiler's still slow. You been running this around the clock?

Them boys break more bottles than they deliver. Eight cases this month.

Wonder where in the hell they are, anyway.

It'll make you feel lots better.

Light the son of a bitch. All right.

I feel good.

All right, y'all, knock off the grab-assing over there.

What's going on, Uncle Jesse?

Guy come out of an antique shop carrying a big grandfather's clock.

Bumped into this drunk, broke the clock.

Guy said, "Why don't you watch where you're going."

The drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else."

Know what happens when you give a politician Viagra?

No. He gets taller.

Here's another one for you.

How many Dukes does it take to screw up a moonshine delivery?

Oh, yes, sorry about that, Uncle Jesse. We...

Is that Rosco?

Wonder what that fat sack of shit wants.

Come on.

We can skip the "Hi, how are you's." I'm here on official police business.

Right here, sheriff.

Oh, that's horseshit. You planted that.

"By the power vested in me by the County of Hazzard, Georgia...

...I hereby seize this property...

...for the crime of producing and distributing moonshine."

Now, Jesse, we can do this the easy way...

...or, of course...

...there's that other way.

Let's try the that other way first. Now, hold on. Wait.

Only way I'm leaving this farm is in a wooden box.

Well...

Hi, Dukes.

Hi.

Well, now.

Lookie there.

Moonshining. What a shame, what a shame.

That ain't ours, Boss. Really?

You're out of here.

This land ain't yours anymore.

You're gonna have to live somewhere else...

...and you're never gonna moonshine... Why, you prick!

Watch out. I got my dog here, and I ain't fed him, and he's real hungry.

Easy, Jesse. Not now.

You boys done started a fight you can't win.

Well, you have my sympathy. Y'all take care, now.

Should've busted a cap in his ass. Hell, yeah.

Hey, easy now, boys.

Thanks for taking us in, Pauline. We really appreciate it.

Oh, honey, it is my pleasure.

I left three toes in Korea for this country, and this is the thanks I get.

I don't understand how they could just take your farm.

They planted a still in our barn.

They planted a still? Now, why would they need to plant a still?

Because they're too damn dumb to find our real one.

I was waiting on old Bill Miller up at the truck stop last night.

He said Boss' men seized his land for some trumped-up charge too.

Maybe it's got to do with all that construction equipment up at the Millers'.

You wanna go up there and take a second look?

Oh, I don't know, boys.

Oh, now, Pauline.

Don't worry, Uncle Jesse. We're gonna take care of it.

You know what's gonna happen, don't you?

Those two are gonna get themselves in trouble, end up in jail...

...and I'm gonna have to shake my ass to get them out.

That's why we love you, honey.

Oh, goddamn it. Well, well, well.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

What's it look like? I'm building a doomsday machine...

...gonna aim it right up your heinie hole.

You stupid enough to think you can fix this?

I'm fixing to fix it. Oh, you fixing to fix it.

You couldn't fix an election if your brother was the governor.

What do you want, Rosco?

This here vehicle, it was used in the illegal transportation of moonshine.

Boss wants it impounded.

It ain't running right now, and my tow truck ain't here...

...so unless you stick it up your ass...

Hey, one way or another, grease monkey...

...tomorrow I'm auctioning off this hunk of junk.

So y'all have a good night, now, okay?

I got two words for you: soap and water.

That's three words.

Stupid.

Hey, man, this is Cooter.

Round up the fellas. I got a job for them.

Lot of equipment there for an abandoned farm.

Yeah, and that fence went up pretty quick too, huh?

Let's go ditch the truck. All right.


Well, ain't that cute, a man taking his pig for a walk.

Come on.

What now?

Lookie here, Bo.

He's got our farm marked, right next to the Millers' and the Robinsons'.

What the hell does he want with all this land?

I don't know.

But I tell you what, if I was incriminating information...

...I'd be hiding in that big, huge son of a bitch.

- How are we supposed to open that? I don't know about you...

... but I'd sure hate to be that safe right now.

Yeah!

Holy shit.

Hope they got e-mail.

Oh, dear.

What the hell?

It's stuck on a pole.

I'll check it.

Give it some gas! Okay!

Hey, give it a little more gas! Okay!

Hey, Bo, hold up! Okay!

Hey! No, Bo! No!

Okay!

Yeah! Bo!

No, Bo! Sorry, cuz.

You'd do the same thing to me.

Bo!

Bo, damn it!

Hold on, little buddy!

Oh, shit!

Bo, you son of a...

I said, no, Bo. No!

I thought you said, "Go, Bo. Go."

You see how that sounds kind of...?

Hey, you know what? Sheev lives near here.

Maybe he can help us open this thing up, huh?

Yeah.

Okay. We'll go to Sheev's.

Rosco, this here's Chip.

You might wanna call Hogg...

...and tell him them two fellers, they made off with his safe.

And I might need a ride too.

Boss, what kind of mood you in?

I'm in a crawfish-boiling mood.

Well, it seems that the Duke boys...

...have stolen your safe.

I am officially upgrading the Dukes...

...from "fly in my ointment" to "thorn in my side."

And if they happen to elevate themselves to "pain in my ass"...

...then I'm gonna boil you. Got it?

Yes, sir. Now...

...I want you to find the Dukes and lock them up.

Oh, and bring me my damn safe back.

Yes, sir.

Flash.

Evening, Sheev.

Sheev.

I'm looking for them Duke boys. You seen them?

They was last seen heading up this road here.

You still got them CIA mind probes stuck in your head, boy?

Far as I know.

Good. Keep your little antennae up there...

...in case you see the Dukes, you let me know, you hear?

Yeah.

Stinks out here, you know that?

Is he gone, Sheev? He's gone.

- Prickett, Prickett. It means a lot to me...

... to be invited here back to my hometown.

I hope to remind the good people of Hazzard...

- ... what it feels like to be proud again. We love you, Billy!

And I hope to remind the good people of Hazzard to come out to the rally...

... and cheer their favorite son, Billy Prickett!

And I'm declaring today Billy Prickett Day.

You're too kind. I just hope, come Saturday...

... I'm not too hazardous on the roads.

"Hazardous on the roads."

- This one's for you! This is Tammy Arinder...

... at the parade, for WCNU News.

Seeing Billy Prickett race in person?

That might be worth putting my pants on for.

Bo, you racing on Saturday? I'm planning on it.

What's the prize for second place?

Gonna be good. Tough one, good luck.

It's a little weird he's coming back here to race.

Life's weird, Luke. Someday you're gonna have to accept that.

Well, okay. Let's take a look at that lockbox.

Oh, yeah. Liberty 400.

High-density, 9200-psi composite material.

Two-inch chrome bolts, vertical and horizontal.

And a spring-loaded, independent relocking device, with a foreign body.

She's a beauty. Can you crack it?

I'm gonna do more than crack it.

Goddamn it.

Armadillo. They've been infiltrating my perimeter all summer.

The hell you do with them? I make helmets.

Armadillo helmets can block even the best brain-wave scanners.

Make a pretty good soup bowl too.

So okay. I'm gonna go to work on this thing.

While I do, would you be a dear, Bo, and go grab me that armadillo?

Thanks.

Man, he looks pissed off.

Come on, y'all! That was a good one.

All right, maybe you could take it off now.

Got a real nice deal on this stuff. Government issue.

Only expired about six months ago, so should have a real nice pop.

Yeah! Cooter's got the General running.

Might be able to race on Saturday. Really?

We gotta get it out of there tonight. Rosco wants to impound it.

Watch your ass, fellas.

This is the fastest-burning fuse you got, Sheev?

It's a Chinese fuse.

Might be a wet fuse. Well, should we check it?

Depends if you like how your face is configured, pretty boy.

I think you got the wires backwards.

They're supposed to be. It's a Chinese fuse.

No, backwards from how they're supposed to be.

You ever been to China? Have you ever been to China?

I ate Chinese food once.

Well, you don't blow up mu shu pork, my friend.

I dated a Korean girl in school.

That is a different Oriental nation. Get an education.

You got the fuse wrong. You know nothing about...

...Chino-Sino-American relations. You're missing the point.

Might've used too much.

Man, that rattled my sphincter.

What the hell is that? Drugs?

Don't look like no drugs I ever saw.

What the hell are these numbers? It's a core sample.

Mining. They drill a hole, take a sample, send it to the lab, see what they got.

Core samples of what? How should I know?

Am I wearing a white coat here? I cut bait and blow shit up for a living.

Take it to a lab. I don't know, maybe at the university?

Katie-Lynn Johnson's at the university. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Man, I always had a thing for that girl.

Remember she used to come by the farm with those tight little outfits?

No, I can't say I remember that. I thought I had her too.

Then she pulled a goddamn Keyser Soze on me, and like that...

...she was gone.

You don't remember that?

Well, okay.

Unless you need something else blown, I'll go inside and wash my mongoose.

Okay.

Come on, Luke. Let's get the General.

Why don't we have Cooter stash that.

We'll take his truck, head to the highway...

How would you feel if the General and I went to Atlanta and left you behind?


Ain't she a Georgia peach?

What'd you do, make a deal with the devil?

Luke. Luke. Is that a Hemi?

Me and my buddies lose the Gettysburg reenactment every other Sunday.

So we figured, why not let General Lee win one?

I don't know how we're gonna pay you back, Cooter.

Would a BJ from Daisy be within the realm of possibility?

Not gonna happen.

How about a pair of her still-warm shorts?

All right.

Hey, Bo, just win that Hazzard Rally. That's thanks enough.

And when you get that prize money, you pay me, because that's how it works.

I love you, Cooter.

I didn't have time to fix everything. Right.

Let's get that car.


Get in your cars and get them! Get after them! Now!

Cooter!

All right.

That's so good, man.

Enough.

Man, I'm never gonna get out of this car again. I'm gonna live in it.

I'm gonna eat in it. And I'm gonna make sweet love to it.

You mean you gonna make sweet love in it.

Oh, no, I wanna fuck it.

All units, we are in hot pursuit of them Duke boys...

...in their piece-of-shit orange car.

"Piece of..." You son of a bitch.

Hey! Get back here!

"Lost Sheep, you out there"? Hey, Cooter.

These fellas ain't gonna be doing much chasing.

Thanks, man. I'm gonna run right over Billy Prickett.

How about we go to Atlanta first?

All right, cuz.

Oh, look at that. There's your problem right there.

Yeah, that's a shame.

Let's go to Atlanta.

Luke.

Luke.

I know why it didn't work out with me and Katie before. It was just timing.

Life is all about timing, you know?

It's my time now. I'm gonna win that race on Saturday.

We're gonna get the farm back. I got my BFF, you.

And I'm gonna get Katie Johnson, you watch.

It's my time.

What's going on?

Yeah, baby! Southern by the grace of God!

Well, at least we know they're nice up here.

Hurry up, you're late for your Klan meeting, asshole.

Klan meeting? Don't listen to her.

The South will rise again.

Yee-haw, brother!

What the hell's wrong with these people?

Nice roof, redneck. Join us in the 21 st century?

We're gonna make some friends up here, huh?

Oh, excuse me. Can I help you, ma'am?

Daisy! Oh, boy.

Enos, what's Boss doing taking all that land?

I don't know. They won't tell me. You gotta go. I'm supposed to arrest you.

Come on, I'm serious. Get. Get out of here.

Hey. You Anus?

No, that's Enos, Mr. Prickett.

Sorry about that. Is Hogg around? He asked me to come by.

Oh, yeah. He's out back in the garage, Mr. Prickett.

Well, howdy, ma'am. How are you today?

It's just right on out back there. I'll show you.

Yep, head out that way.

There you go.

There he is.

Hometown hero. Hogg.

How you doing, son? Well...

...this is a great place to crap, but I'm ready to head to Atlanta.

Not before the race.

Don't you worry about that.

I want you down at that finish line. Sign autographs for the kids.

Yeah, I know the drill. I know you do.

But I need you there for two hours, son. Two hours.

Kissing hands and shaking babies.

You got that backwards. It's shaking hands and kiss the babies.

Oh, yeah? Maybe that's why I lost that governor's election in '86.

Hogg, what the hell am I doing here?

Rosco.

Whoa, what is this? You off the reservation?

See how it kind of catches me around the eyes there?

Look here, I already got sponsors.

What am I supposed to tell Castrol, Yahoo!?

Tell them it's for charity.

Is it? Sure. Could be.

Whatever you say. I'm gonna win that race by a mile.

It don't matter whose face is on my car when I do.

I don't need you to win the race. I just need you to show up.

Hey there, Mr. Prickett.

Well, hello, Daisy.

I was just walking by, and I saw your car in the garage there. She's real sexy.

Well, thank you. She's faster than a cheetah on cocaine.

Yeah, I know.

Why is there a picture of Boss Hogg on your car, though?

Yeah, well, he... I read somewhere...

...that Coca-Cola pays you over $ 100,000 to put their logo on your door.

You read that? That same article...

...mentioned that Budweiser pays you over $ 100,000...

...to put their logo on your trunk. Look, Daisy...

...l'm not much of a reader. Boss Hogg's face is sitting...

...on over $200,000 worth of real estate.

Is that what he's paying you?

Oh, no, no, Daisy, this race here is for charity.

Really? Which one?

Anal bifida.

Spinal bifida.

It's one of the bifidas.

Have I told you that you're as purty as a Hazzard County sunset?

Have a good day, Mr. Prickett.

Okay.

Lot of smart people out there.


Look out, Katie.

Hello. Hi.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, boy. Hi.

You don't think it's too late to take them SATs, do you?

You gotta keep an open mind in college.

This is it, Luke. I can feel it.

Hey, do you know where Katie Johnson is?

I think she's in that room right there.

Thanks. Thank you.

I got a great opening line for Katie. What is it?

You'll see.

Katie Johnson? She's down the hall.

Cool. Come on, down the hall.

Katie Johnson?

She's down the hall. Do you guys go to school here?

No, but do you have an application?

Not on me.

Come on, now, focus.

Let's hope she's not in here either.

Katie Johnson? Fuck me running!

You looking for Katie? We were.

You guys Hacky? Hacky!

What about Katie? Maybe she's in here.

Goodbye, Bo. Bye, Luke.

I guess she wasn't in there.

We didn't check under the couch. Luke! Bo!

Katie. Katie-Lynn.

So he's still doing that?

Did I just faint? No.

Oh, my God. I can't believe y'all came.

We just wanna pay you visit, the prettiest girl in Atlanta.

What?

We just wanna pay a visit to the prettiest girl in Atlanta.

That's sweet. I can't believe what happened to y'all's farm.

We're gonna get it back.

I love that farm. I used to have so much fun there.

See? This is my roommate, Annette.

Annette, this is Bo and Luke. Nice to meet you.

Ma'am. Annette's from Australia.

Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!

That's what they say there. Okay.

What do y'all need in the geology lab?

It has something to do with them taking our farm...

...but we don't know what the hell it is.

I don't know that they'll let y'all in, but we'll take you.

We'll get dressed. Y'all wait downstairs. We're gonna wait here.

Downstairs is fine.

It's happening, Luke. It's all happening.

I'll give you that, Jesse.

I'll give you that. Will you now?

What are you doing with my land, Jefferson?

Ain't your land anymore.

Wasn't that long ago you was a moonshiner too. Remember?

Well, I have reformed from my sins.

I am now an honest businessman.

Like sponsoring racecars?

What are you getting out of bringing Billy Prickett down here?

You know, your nephew's won that race four years in a row.

Now, who's gonna fault me for breaking up a dynasty?

Well, I know you're rich, and I know you stink.

But you ain't stinking rich.

You wouldn't be throwing that money at Prickett...

...unless you thought he was gonna earn you 10 times that.

You're a smart man. So why don't you do the smart thing.

Why don't you take your family and leave.

Because, see, now I own that farm.

And you ain't never gonna get it back.

I have all the cards, Jesse.

You don't have spit.

It ain't over yet.

Hey, Bo, I love your car. She really rumbles.

It's actually a he. Right, Katie?

I ain't even speeding.

You know how fast you were going?

What? How fast you were going.

I don't know. Ten? Eight.

Isn't the speed limit 10? Yeah. It is.

You guys police?

Campus police.

Mother of God.

Oh, wait.

I know it's a shame to hide your beauty like this, but it's for your own good.

What?

I'm not even gonna respond to that. That's crazy.

I know, I'll miss you too. I'll be right back.

All right, let's go. Let's go.

Katie-Lynn seems like a girl you could settle down with, don't you think, Luke?

Yeah. I don't know, fellas.

I don't think they're gonna let us walk in.

You'll think of something, Katie. You always do. Remember that...?

Oh, you're so pretty.

I have an idea.

Can I help you? You're just the guy we're looking for...

Royce. Royce...?

Royce Williams. Royce Williams, maybe you can help us.

We're here looking for the brightest young geologists for high-paying jobs.

Maybe you've been by our booth.

You're from Kamasaka Technologies? That's right.

I'm Mr. Ichinowa, and this is my colleague...

...Yoko Takanoshi.

Right on.

You said you were Japanese?

We converted.

Your professor tells us you're some kind of super-genius or something.

Really? On my last test I got a C-minus. Hey, that's good.

That's real good. You think...?

You just might be Kamasaka Tech material.

You just gotta pass this one little test.

You just tell us what this is right here.

Looks like a core sample.

Man, that's good. He's good.

Core sample of what? Oh, of course.

What are you doing? What?

What the fuck was that? Relax.

Damn! Damn!

These are my good Levi's.

Let's not lose focus here, Royce.

Yes, sir, Mr. Takanoshi.

What'd you call me? Mr. Takanoshi?

Right. That's my name.

Thought it might be drugs or something. I think I know what it is.

Are you really with Kamasaka Technologies?

Damn it, we are high-powered Japanese executives.

We work hard, and we play even harder.

Now, tell us what you see there...

...or we'll go find another candidate at Georgia Polytech.

It's anthracite.

Coal. Coal in Hazzard?

What's the street value of this? This much? Nothing.

A good-sized mine? Could be millions.

Can you show us what a good-sized mine looks like?

Yeah.

Here's what it used to look like. And this is the after.

Damn.

Hogg's gonna do this to Hazzard? The hell he is.

Mr. Kamasaka? We have to go. The plane is leaving.

Congratulations, Royce. You got the job. How does 24,000 yen a year sound?

Sounds like 40 bucks.

Way to go.

All right, man. See you in Beijing.

You see two guys come through here? You mean those two Japanese guys?

Get me Atlanta P.D. Damn.

Strip-mining?

Why, that slimy bastard.

Here's another little nugget.

Hogg has been paying that kid Prickett a lot of money...

...to race here Saturday. He's paying him?

Y'all better get your asses back here quick as you can, got it?

Ten-four, Shepherd, this is Lost Sheep out.

What's this? What's these crackers doing in our place?

Turns out Prickett came back because Hogg paid him a assload of cash.

Don't mean Billy has anything to do with strip-mining.

You got to be kidding me.

Oh, shit. Roll them up.

What the hell is this, man? Looks like somebody's lost.

Look, a couple of white boys playing black. Is that's what's going on?

Actually, we were at the geology lab for some environmental stuff, and...

No, I get it. They on one of these reality shows.

- Who Wanna Get They Ass Kicked? Yeah.

Why don't you two hillbillies join us up here for a minute?

Actually, we prefer Appalachian-Americans.

Man, get out the car!

Now, which one of you two brothers is Michelangelo?

There's a certain creek that people sometimes canoe up without a paddle.

You could say that the Duke boys were on that particular creek right now.

Let's kick they ass, Jerry!

Never thought I'd say this, but, hot damn, it's the cops.

There goes the canoe.

Give me your shoelaces. What?

These guys over there gave me theirs. See, I'm gonna fashion myself a lasso.

When the jailer comes in, I'm gonna rope his keys.

Luke and Bo Duke are home free. Period, end of story.

I got on cowboy boots, cuz.

I like your style.

You gonna need those shoelaces?

We gonna have to get out of here.

Hey, Yul Brynner. We gotta make a phone call. We gotta call our lawyer.

What the hell are we in here for?

Well, where should I start?

We know you're gonna strip-mine Hazzard.

Do you, now? Well, that's good.

Guess where I'm gonna sink that first drill.

Right down in the middle of your bedroom.

Y'all do still share a bunk bed, right?

Hey, that's a phat suit there. What, you some type of pimp?

What has strip-mining got to do with you paying Billy Prickett to race tomorrow?

You like magic, Luke? Sleight of hand?

See, while you're looking over here, something's really happening over here.

You see, despite the fact that I now own your beloved farm...

...I can't legally mine it, because the county won't let me.

I need to hold a public hearing, you know...

...to give the citizens of Hazzard a chance to object.

And let me guess, you're going to hold the hearing during the rally tomorrow?

And if nobody knows about the hearing, there won't be anyone there to object.

There you go. Sleight of hand.

Sleight of hand. Grow the fingernails out.

Then pop some fingernail polish on them bitches.

Is Billy Prickett in on it? Prickett?

Prickett's just collecting a paycheck. We ain't gonna let you get away with it.

Really? Tomorrow, if you happen to be strolling by the courthouse about noon...

...you might wanna rush right in there and voice your objections.

Voice this.

Dadgum it. I just remembered.

Tomorrow morning you're going to the Georgia work farm.

And I hear they have a rather strict policy on weekend passes.

Yo, B. You need to pop a feather in that hat, yo.

Then your man ho's will be having more respect for you.

I have $ 100 right here...

...for whoever knocks that loudmouth son of a bitch out.

Thank you.

Now, break some rocks for me, boys.

Take care, now, you hear?

Bye-bye.

Don't you know you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

When we stop for gas, we call up Cooter and tell him to put a pig in the road, right.

Then when the cops are moving the pig, Cooter hooks up a cable to the bumper.

Car drives away, the hook will pull out the whole chassis.

He can't drive without a chassis...

All right, shut up back there!

My cousin's starting to go crazy. We gotta get him to a hospital.

I think he done caught the fever, or something.

That's what happens when you're humping livestock, hillbilly.

Can we help you guys out with anything up there...

...oblige you with a reach-around or something?

Of course, you'd have to un-cuff us first.

Sarge, if you and me was to have a chase, you think you could catch me?

Appears to me you caught already, son. I'm serious.

If I had my car and you was in this one, you really think you could catch me?

Because, bubba, this car feels kind of slow to me.

She's got plenty under the hood, don't you worry about that.

No balls. No balls.

No balls. No balls.

No balls. No balls.

You wanna see balls?

No balls. No balls. Will you slow this car down?

You letting them get your panties in a bunch. You the officer.

Shut the hell up back there. All right?

No balls. Oh, my God. Will you look at that?

You need a napkin to eat them drumsticks, boy.

Goddamn it. Nice driving!

What seems to be the problem, sugar?

I think something bounced up into my undercarriage.

Will you take a look? Ma'am, I'd be pleased...

...to check your undercarriage. Thank you.

I stopped you because your taillight is out.

Stopped me? Sir, you hit me.

Because your taillight is out, and we couldn't see you brake.

You're gonna write me a ticket? Yep.

This is ridiculous!

Is there anything I can help you out with today, ma'am?

Do cute cops grow on trees around here or what?

Well, I, you know... Pushups. Kind of you to notice.

Let me see what's going on under your hood here.

Damn, that's hot. Here. Maybe this'll help.

Bless you. No, no, no. My undercarriage.

Your undercarriage? Yeah.

Looks like you boys have the magic touch.

I was about to seal the deal when you came over.

What? She was looking at me the whole time.

Let's get out of here. Where are the goddamn keys?

Y'all think you can catch me now?

Buckle up, this might get exciting.

That's all right. We'll be long gone before another cop shows up.

Get skinny!

Okay, where's the highway? Don't you have a map?

Wait. I got it.

Turn left up here!

Turn left, turn left!

Damn it, I said, left!

You said your left! My left is your left.

I'm gonna need these directions faster.

It's okay. I know exactly where we're at.

So, girls, how's the back seat?

I haven't had this much fun since we used to sneak up to the hayloft.

You remember those tight little outfits you used to make me wear.

I didn't know how to break it to you. You didn't know?

Luke, you said he was okay with it.

Look at the road, Bo.

Bo, look at the road.

Look at the road. Supposed to be my time.

Bo!


I think I'm gonna chunder.

Is that bad? That means "vomit."

Not in the car. Bo!


You told me she wasn't emotionally available for me.

That it was better to lose a lover than to love a loser!

Because you would faint every time you saw her!

I don't faint.

You called me a loser?

I was trying to make him feel better.

Can you just let me out here?

Bo, this is some of the best driving I ever seen you do.

Ain't that right, girls? Great driving, Bo. Great driving.

Don't kiss my ass.

Bo, you gotta get us out of here. I can't hear you.

You're being ridiculous, Bo. Life is ridiculous, Katie.

I really need a plastic bag now.

What is the purpose of this circle?

How do we get out of here?

Take this right. I'm not listening to you.

Take a right here.

Hell.

You're scaring the girls. Get back on the road.

Say sorry for stealing Katie. You were never together!

I liked her. You betrayed that.

I liked her too! I liked her first.

Calm down, Bo!

I will calm down when he says he's sorry!

Say you're sorry. I ain't saying it.

Have you made your peace with God yet, Luke?

Because you're about to meet your maker!

Just say you're sorry! No.

We had a good time, and I'm not gonna apologize for that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Fine. I'll take Annette.

That was fun.

Lost Sheep, Lost Sheep, are you out there?

Uncle Jesse, where are you?

There's a hearing at the courthouse. We gotta get everybody over there now.

Sounds like a mighty fine plan, Lucas.

Only got one wrinkle to it.

You do that, could be very bad for Jesse and Pauline's health.

Hogg, you lay one hand on them...

...and I'll shove a apple in your mouth and my foot up your ass.

Well, you bring the Vaseline.

We'll make it a party.

You two boys stay out of Hazzard, and I mean it this time.

Where you think they got them? I don't know.

Hogg's never gone this far before. You ready to go that far?

Cousin, I'm always ready to go that far.

What are we doing here? This is Derek Sheevington's place.

Yeah. Pretty good chance this is gonna get ugly, so we're gonna drop you here.

He got caught drinking out of the toilet in the girls' bathroom.

I know, I know. But we're gonna need you girls to work with him.

Oh, good God.

Why, Katie Johnson, is that you?

Boy, you filled out real nice.

Yeah. You filled out real nice too, Sheev.

What's going on, Sheev? Looks like we're gonna need some of those toys.

Leave them two girls here, I'll give you anything you want.

Come on in. I'll put a stew on.

Hazzard County Police Department. Enos, this is Boss Hogg.

Me and Rosco are over at the Duke place.

- lf anybody wants us, we'll be here. Well, that's mighty consid...

Rosco, I'm going over and join the governor at the rally.

Do not be late going to the courthouse.

Boss, how come you told old Enos there where we was at?

You remember the time we tried to fix the rodeo?

Yeah. It was Enos that told the Dukes about it.

Then we tried to spread those rumors about the Mad Cow Disease...

...so my chicken factories would make a little more profit.

It was Enos that told the Duke boys.

So you want them Duke boys to come out here?


Enos, where's Boss Hogg and Rosco?

They're at your farm.

Thank you, Enos.

That might be a new record.

What? Okay, thanks, Daisy.

He's at our farm.

Hey. Hey, look, there's Prickett.

So? He can help us.

He don't care about Hazzard. He's getting paid to be here.

Oh, man, you're wrong. He's from here.

You out of your goddamn mind? Hey, Billy.

Boss Hogg's gonna strip-mine Hazzard. Just hold your horses.

Who's stripping? He's playing you, man.

He paid you to come and race... Just save your breath.

I already know. You already know?

But this is your hometown. I hate to break this to you, Bo-Bo...

...but this place is a shithole.

If it wasn't a strip mine, it'd be a strip mall.

Kind of like one of them outlets where everything's reduced prices and...

Hell, they don't even have an Outback Steakhouse down here. Am I right?

Right as pie, Billy. Saddle up, Dil.

Look at the bright side, Bo-Bo. At least you didn't have to race me today.

Because I would've left that little Tonka toy you drive at the starting stripe.

Tonka. I'm gonna kill him.

Hey, hey, hey!

What about Uncle Jesse? Wanna ride this stag?

You wanna rodeo with this clown? Uncle Jesse's old, Luke.

He's had a good run.

Besides, if he passes, God have mercy on his soul, we get the farm.

I'm just playing with you, man. Let's go get him.

They're here.

Cooter, you ready out there?

You get Rosco out of there, Daisy and I'll take care of the rest.

What do you say we smoke the varmint out of his hole?

Hey, Rosco, come on out, you fat son of a bitch!

Cletus, get your butt out there. Thank you, Rosco.

Let me know if you're gonna puke! Oh, you'll know first!

All right, boys! Y'all come on out of there with your hands up.

Hey, Rosco! Hi, Boo-Boo.

I didn't know we had so many pigs on the farm.

I call this "painting the fence." I think you missed a spot.

Look out, look out!

You gonna get us out of here? I'm working on it!

Man, they're hauling ass, pick it up!

You gonna make that? I'm planning on it.

Hold on, Luke.

I'll go in this direction now!

All right, Jesse. I'm arresting those...

Jesse? Jesse?

Courthouse.

Attention! Attention, good people of Hazzard!

Life as we know it is about to end.

As we speak, dark forces are conspiring to strip-mine our land.

Follow me to the courthouse, and we'll save you!

Yeah, right, Sheev. Last year the CIA was brainwashing our cows.

Get a job, man.

Hey, Sheev. Sheev.

Go back to your spaceship. I'm serious. Come on!

Bye, Sheev.

It might be good if you helped out here.

Hell, move over, I'll drive. No way.

I'm still hoping to survive this thing.

Goddamn it. Son of a bitch.

I like the way you think, cuz. Yeah, boy!

Hold on.

Lost Sheep, Lost Sheep, are you out there?

Go for Lost Sheep.

- Free and clear. Good.

Sheev's making sure everyone goes to the hearing.

- I'll see you in town. Over and out.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Barn door, coming up. Yeah, I see it. Hold on!


The General!

Let's head to the courthouse!

End of the World to Lost Sheep, End of the World to Lost Sheep.

Come in, Lost Sheep. What do you got?

Everybody headed into town? That's a negative.

Repeat, that's a negative.

No one listened. They threw hot dogs at us.

Did you tell them about the strip mine? Of course I did.

Were you wearing a armadillo helmet when you told them about it?

No.

Okay, Lost Sheep out.

No one's heading in to town?

If we don't get to that courthouse by noon, there ain't gonna be no town.

Well, we still got time for Plan B. I like Plan B.

Plan B. Plan B.

When you're flying by the seat of your pants...

... nothing sounds more official than a Plan B.

Don't worry, cuz, I'll get them to the courthouse.


This emergency hearing is now in session.

Rosco, where is everybody?

I'm here.

Well, we have until noon.


Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

...it's my honor today to introduce my friend...

...and the friend of everybody in the greatest state of the United States...

...the governor, James T. Applewhite!

Thank you. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...welcome to the 70th Annual Hazzard Road Rally!

Drivers, start your engines!

Just have a couple piña coladas waiting for me at the finish line, Dil.

Here comes the heat.

There they go.

Come on, come on, come on.


He's in the race!


It has been confirmed that the orange car that entered the race...

...is in fact the same car that tore up Atlanta this morning.

It seems that the "orange-car fugitives" are from right here in Hazzard County.

State and local authorities are trying to subdue the vehicle...

...known as the General Lee.

Well, General-Lee speaking, I'd say those cops are in for a pretty tough time.

I'm Rick Shakely. Back to you, Marty.

This is Boss Hogg. The Dukes are on the course.

I want all available vehicles to shut down the road to the courthouse!

We're gonna need to clear a path. You got it.

Hey, Dil, what's the word on those Céline Dion tickets?

Well, of course I wanna go backstage. Don't be dumb.


Damn.

Enos. I want you down to the courthouse. I...

Someone moved my car.

Enos, you dipstick, did somebody move my car?

Hell, let's just sack up and shoot the bastard.

Holy shit!

Luke, where the hell are you?

Good God almighty. It's about time!

How's the race going? How's it look like it's going?


Why, you dirty son of a bitch.

Hey, go easy on that.

For what I'm getting ready to do, I don't wanna remember a lot of it.

You know why tornadoes and blonds...

...are so much alike? No.

At first, there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.

Know what you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

No. You get a piece of ass...

...that'll bring a tear to your eye.

You thinking about throwing it?

Oh, I'll throw it. I was thinking about pussy.

You know why divorces are so expensive?

No. Because they're worth it.

Fire in the hole.

Hey, Bo, take it home. The coast is clear.

Here we go again.

Okay, I'm gonna get those cops to follow me.

When I do, tow those cruisers out of the way.

Can do.

Excuse me, officers. My car broke down up the street there...

...and I was wondering if y'all could help me out.

Why, yes, ma'am. We'll be happy to.

Oh, you're sweet. Let's go.

Halt! Tough shit, honey. You go fix your own car.

Ain't no one going anywhere.

What the hell are you doing?

Come on, General.


Hey, Dil, we got a late arrival!

Hey, Billy!

You're gonna pay for that, Bo-Bo.

I've had just about enough of you.

Here they come.

Of course I can feel him on my left! Of course I can!

Where is he getting this from? Hey, Billy!

He's playing with me!

Come on. The General Lee has won the race.

I want him tested for steroids!

But Billy Prickett and the General Lee haven't had quite enough driving.

They're still going.

Come on, y'all! We'll interview these guys...

...if we have to chase after them ourselves. Tito, start the van.

Better luck next time, Hogg.

Let's go, baby.

Don't go home, really.

This is Boss Hogg.

That road better be shut down tighter than a tick's ass.

Ten-four. Barricade's in place.

Rosco, is anyone coming?

What, I ain't good enough for you? No comment.

Don't write that down. Don't write that down.

Are they coming? Oh, yeah, they're coming.

We got the whole town headed to the courthouse.

- Daisy, we all clear? Not exactly.

"Not exactly" could be a problem.

Bo? I think we're gonna have to shoot the moon.

What the hell are you doing, Cooter? Sorry, officer.

I heard a pretty lady needed a tow.

Cooter. I can't hear you.

Cooter, what the hell are you doing?

Hey, Billy!

You think I was born yesterday, Bo-Bo?

Oh, shit!

Holy shit.

Luke, I made it, but I don't know how anybody else will.

That's okay, I got an idea!

Well, I'll see you on the other side.

Give me your goddamn driver's license.

What license?

What are we waiting on, judge? Let's finish this thing.

Well, I guess it's that time.

I just can't believe that nobody wants to object.

All those in favor of the strip-mining ordinance?

They're gonna strip-mine Hazzard? Damn straight.

How can they do that? Don't worry, we're about to stop them.

All those opposed?

What the hell is that? Who locked that door?

Oh, man, that's gonna hurt tomorrow. Your Honor!

I think we got some people who might like to object to this strip-mining issue.

Okay, all those opposed to the strip-mining ordinance?

This court hereby declares that the strip-mining ordinance is dismissed.

Thank you much. Thank you, Boss. Hi, how y'all?

She might be a little low on gas.

Take that.

Were you really gonna strip-mine Hazzard, Mr. Hogg?

I was thinking about it.

Out of the way. Step aside, please.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Get your hands up. People, move back.

Hands up, hands up.

Okay. Looks like the party's over.

Damn right it is. As long as I'm a county commissioner...

...for the great state of Georgia, you two are gonna rot...

...in the penitentiary. Cuff him.

Let them go!

Let them go!

Excuse me, Rick Shakely. I think the governor has a statement to make.

Well, hot dog. I do?

Yes, sir. You wanted to comment on how these boys...

...are the heroes for saving Hazzard County.

That's right, governor! Come on, governor!

Certainly, certainly.

As you know, I've always been a great friend to the environment.

And these boys, they're environmental heroes!

And because they're heroes, you're gonna pardon them for all their crimes?

Moreover, as governor, I hereby pardon these boys...

...of any and all offenses against the great state of Georgia. Go Dogs!

Governor? I wanna thank you for pardoning me too.

Pardon you for what? For this.

Oh, what the hell. I pardon him too.

Here's to Hazzard County's real favorite sons.

The day had been saved, as they say.

Hazzard was put back the way it was.

Boss Hogg had some explaining to do.

And the Dukes got their farm back and celebrated...

... with a good old-fashioned pig-picking barbecue.

Hey, Billy. Daisy, I think you ought to get up there and sing.

Oh, no. I only sing in the shower. I'll get the water running.

Let's get Uncle Jesse to do it. Good idea.

Pauline, where's Uncle Jesse? We want him to sing a song.

I think I might know where he is.

An apple?

An apple a day will keep the doctor away, darling.

Come on, Jesse, they want you to sing.

Real refreshing. They are, aren't they?

It feels like old times again.

Yeah, except for now we don't gotta worry about Bo finding out.

I swear you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

You're sweet. Yeah.

I would really like to give you a bath later.

Clean you up real nice. Would you like that?

I'd like that. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't worry about her. She's crazy.

Hey there, Laurie.

You forgot to make your delivery this week, Luke Duke.

Go, Bo, go. Luke, you man-whore.

You get back here, you bastard!

See y'all later.

Okay, this is A-camera marker.

Actually, she's my cousin. That don't make a difference to me.

Hell, long as she's your sister. What the fuck did I just say?

Don't you know you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?

Come on, cut that out. Seann.

Do I need to mark this thing?

It's called common markers.

I wonder if Richard Burton ever had to do that.


What the fuck? That's the kiss you guys are having?

What the fuck? I'm a total fucking moron.

It gets longer and longer, doesn't it? Come on.

How these boys are the heroes for... Oh, my Lord.

Every time I look at her titties, she loses her line.

- I love it except for the hair in your eyes. I know.

- How's my hair? Okay.

How'd you miss that?

- Gonna take your hands off the wheel? He showed me his balls.

Sorry. Okay, okay. We'll do it again. Okay, keep going.

For your...

Don't tell me, it rhymes with "anus." Heinous.

For your heinous crimes.

Have you been running this around the clock, Uncle Jesse?

Did I say "shit" or "hell" that time? With "ass" or "dick"? I said "hell"?

Dang it, a little help. A little help.

Cut it. Cut.

Come on, be a bro, be a bro. Get it away! Come on. Get it away!

Move over. Hey.

There weren't any bananas. Oh, that's okay.

Where's Bo? To hell with Bo, it's Boo!

Lunch!

Thank you very much.

Look at me, I'm flying. I'm flying!

Oh, it's so much fun. I'm okay