The F Word (2013) Script

Wallace, whatever you saw, there's an explanation.

I'm not saying that it's a good explanation, it's obviously a bad explanation, but we can't just leave things like this.

You have to call me back, okay?

Wallace, whatever happened, I still love you.

This message has been saved for 379 days.

Message deleted.


Yeah, that was supposed to be an anonymous fridge magnet poem.

And here I am quietly judging you.

Oh, I can handle it. I've humiliated myself much more thoroughly in front of people I actually know.

Cheers. Cheers.

I'm sorry, I moved your poem.

I find this, like, weirdly addictive.

Yeah, like face tattoos. Like peeing in the ocean.

Here it is. Here it is. Hi.

Oh, did you guys meet? Kind of, yeah.

Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry. She's an animator.

Chantry, this is Wallace. You're Wallace?

This is the first time he's been outside in, like, a year.

Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, you do look pale.

I just assumed you were, like, anemic or partially albino.

It's both, actually. He's been hibernating like bear because of his broken heart. Aw.

Stop telling people and stroking my face.

Anyway... Do you guys know Becky?

She's small, has brown hair, always bragging about her eating disorder.

I'm Becky.

It's been a while. Oh, hello.

It's so good to see you again.

That's just what she sounds like!

Can I give you a tour of the house?

Come.

To be fair, I don't always like parties, either.

Awkward small talk is not my forte.

It's "fort," actually.

"Forte" is Italian, it means "forcefully." And "fort" is French for "strength."

But I still say "forte" too. If you say "fort," everyone thinks you're getting it wrong, even though it is correct.

So is that, like, your thing? Correcting people's pronunciation?

Yeah, that's my thing. How's that going for you?

I have a dead-end job, live in my sister's attic, and I never go out.

Correcting pronunciation is my old thing.

Actually, my new thing is over-sharing.

Heh. Here, try some of Allan's beer.

Thank you.

You actually knocked yourself out?

I think so. Wow.

And I'll tell you something really weird.

My face is, like, permanently damaged.

Like, if you look up here, you can see there's, like...

I think there's, like, a dent. Sort of like, Quasimodo.

Yeah.

So, I've got to go to the bathroom.

Do you need anything, like some dental floss, or, you know, expired aspirin?

No, but I've left a matchbox in there, and I was hoping women could leave pubic hair...

I'll just go around with, like, a party tray.

No, they'll be in there. It'll be fine.

I'm stuffing a pillow. Okay.

Oh. Hey. Oh. Hi.

I was just, leaving without saying goodbye, like a dick.

Yeah. Yeah, that's totally what I am doing as well.

Heh. Oh.

Where are you...? Oh, I'm just, like, a couple blocks west.

Me too. Oh.

Would you like to walk together? Yeah. Sure.

Cool.

I read in the tabloids that she's a cannibal and he faked Parkinson's for attention. I read that too. Crazy.

Awful people. Really.

This is actually me here.

Oh. Right. Well, hey, I had a really good time talking to you.

Yeah. Me too. Which is rare, actually.

I'm usually not that social, so...

Well, maybe you'd like to talk again sometime.

Yeah, definitely. We should hang out.

Yeah. It'd be lovely.

Okay, so, I'm gonna give you my number.

Okay. I will... Top secret.

Good.

I did not mean to stay out so late.

No, me neither.

My boyfriend will be worried about, what happened to me, so, you know, call me.

Yes. Thank you very much.

Nice to meet you. Nice meeting you.

Cool. Good night.

Good night.


I had a good time talking to you.

Yeah. Me too.

My boyfriend will be wondering what happened to me.


Hey, what's up, Felix?

You all right? Just dropped an earring.

Your dinner's in the oven.

Good night. What time will you be home?

If the date is good, midnight.

If the date is bad, 8.

No treats, okay? And no horror movies.

And don't let him go up on the roof.

And don't sell his organs on the black market.

Okay. I'm off.

Take care. Have fun. Good luck.

Clear!

All right, mate, close your eyes.

Clear.

Okay, you can open them again.


Thank you.

Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.

Farm boy?

Polish my horse's saddle.

I want to see my face shining in it by morning.

As you wish.

"As you wish" was all he ever said to her.

Thank you.

Hey. Need a ride? Oh, hey.

Hey. No, I think we're okay. Thanks. Yeah.

Sorry, I didn't see you there.

No, I also didn't see you standing right next to me.

Hi, Wallace.

Chantry. Yes.

I'm here alone. Me too.

My boyfriend was supposed to come, but he had to work late, so...

I like seeing movies by myself, though.

I think it's, really cool you're here alone.

Oh, yeah. Super cool.

Yeah.

Seriously? Yeah, seriously.

I don't think you can have Princess Bride as one of your favorite movies if you actually think love makes you a worse person.

Well, no, it's irrelevant.

The Princess Bride is a fairy tale.

In fairy tales, love inspires you to be noble and courageous, but in real life, love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior.

You can lie and cheat and hurt people, and it's all okay because you're in love.

I don't know if you are actually cynical, or just a super crazy, romantic cheese ball.

You go see Princess Bride by yourself, on a week night, like a total loser.

Yeah, well, your boyfriend ditched you, and you still came all by yourself, so who's the real loser? Are you hungry?

I can't believe you ordered fried pickles.

Pickles are disgusting. Pickling is like embalming, basically.

Like, a pickle jar is like a tomb for cucumbers.

I violated a tremendous amount of corpses in medical school, so I know that pickling is not the same as embalming.

You're a doctor? Heh, no.

Med school dropout. All right.

The whole premise of deep-frying is it makes everything taste better.

I don't like deep-fried food. French fries?

Eugh. Onion rings?

Fried chicken? Nope.

Fish and chips? Gross.

Funnel cakes? Doughnuts? Deep-fried banana sandwiches?

No, but Elvis ate those.

And something called Fool's Gold.

What is that? I don't know exactly, but I read on the Internet that Elvis died with 40 pounds of undigested feces still in his intestine.

Thank you for telling me that in the middle of dinner.

You're welcome. Next time I take a bite, you can say "diarrhea." Diarrhea.

Is this something you learn in med school?

Yeah. They go through the...

All the famous people. All the famous people and how much feces were left in them at the time of their death.

Marie Antoinette? Tons.

In fact, they had to guillotine her intestine as well as her head.

Yeah. They just, like, moved the body further along through the machine.

Who do you think weighs the feces?

I think, as the king, it would've been, like, a job that people fought for.

"Well, if I can't dress him, if I can't make him look pretty for the casket, can I at least touch his poo?"

You think he kept a bit? I'm sure he did.

In a matchbox or something, yeah.

Like, one of those little vials you could wear around your neck.

Like, yeah, he had, like, a little shit locket.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. Yeah, yes.

So, like, I've been with Ben for five years, and, like, I get that guys don't want to hang out with the girl with the boyfriend, but it just sucks, you know.

It just makes you feel like the only thing that's interesting about you is how you look with your clothes off.

I mean, like, it should be easier to make friends if you have a boyfriend, because there's no confusion.

So is that it?

That's your big pitch to be my friend?

That was terrible.

Yeah, I know, I know.

I'm just... I practiced in the mirror, and...

Anyway... Friends?

Yeah, why not? Friends. All right.

Is this how you make friends? Like a business deal?

Yeah, actually. It's just my style.

It's quite unnerving, but it's good. Heh-heh.

What's shaking, hot pants?

You can't write, "What's shaking, hot pants."

Have you seen anyone wearing hot pants in the last five years?

That homeless man who shouts at people near the pool.

So I found this website where they explain what Fool's Gold is.

You take Heh. a loaf of Italian white bread, you coat it in butter and bake it.

Then you hollow out the inside and coat it with an entire jar of peanut butter, and an entire jar of jam.

Then you stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon.

The website said it serves eight to ten people, or one Elvis.

You know, a jar of peanut butter has, like, 6,000 calories in it.

And bacon is not even a food.

Technically, it's just pure fat.

I can't confirm how much feces were in Elvis's colon when he died, but I did find out how he discovered Fool's Gold."

They get on the jet, private jet, fly to Denver, get to Denver, order Fool's Gold sandwiches to be delivered to the plane, eat them, fly back to Graceland without ever getting off the plane.

Wow. And the best part is, February 1, 1976? The day my parents got married.

Oh, no! Wallace! Come on.

Got it! Mail storm!


It starts dirty, it ends dirty.

A relationship that starts with a breakup is doomed to end with a breakup.

Who said that? Me.

You, after Vicky Cardero gave me a BJ at her boyfriend's keg party and I wanted to ask her out. I recall you ignored that advice.

What was the result? It ended dirty.

Gonorrhea-and-a-fistfight dirty.

This is not gonorrhea and a fistfight. I'm not trying to break them up.

I just... I'm happy just being friends with her.

Is this a good housewarming gift for Nicole?

Why are you buying her a gift?

She's moving into your house.

Girls are weird about this sort of stuff, and I'd rather overcompensate.

How much for the flying moose?

This dinner is a terrible idea.

Normally, I wouldn't care about you tumbling into some mess with a girl.

I'd even rejoice at the statistically tiny but mathematical possible chance of a threesome, but this is my cousin.

I accidentally saw her labia one time, immediately, explosive diarrhea.

Oh, but you are misreading this whole situation, because you can't interact with a woman without sex screwing it up.

But I can, because I'm a grown-up.

And it's so adorable that you really believe that.

More importantly, if this was your bedside lamp, do you think the warm glow would make you feel more sexually experimental?

Absolutely. What do you think?

I've got the same one at home.

It's the worst thing that's ever happened in all of history.

Was it worse than when that meteor hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs?

Yes. My breakup is definitely worse than a stupid meteor.

I just can't believe that Rob cheated on you.

With a grad student! No, I know.

Her thesis is probably on how to be a rat-faced whore.

And I really liked him. I'm so sorry.

I liked him so much, I don't even want to sleep with his friends to get back at him.

I mean, I will, but I'm not gonna enjoy it.

Do you think there might be, like, a less skanky option for rebounding?

No. This is something you have to do.

I don't want to wreck your dinner party. No, no, it's not a dinner party.

It's just, like, my friend, Wallace.

Stay. This Wallace guy could be a good rebound for you.

Okay.

Please, go easy on him. He's delicate.

Hi! Hi.

Hey. I brought booze. Thank you! That's so nice.

You're welcome. You can take your coat off.

I will. Thank you very much.

Well, this place looks just like I imagined.

Really? Well, I mean, yeah, I pictured more potpourri and doilies and stuffed animals and things, knowing you, but, yeah... I put that away.

I know that it weirds you out.

Ben, Wallace is here.

Hi. Hey, Wallace. How are you?

Hi.

Oh. Oh. Sorry.

No worries. Let me dry off my hands.

Thanks for coming by. No. Nice to meet you. Thank you.

Hey, everybody. Hey.

Oh, Wallace, this is my sister, Dalia.

Nice to... Nice to meet you.

Oh. Hello. Hi.

You smell really good. Really?

Yeah. Or maybe it just smells really bad in here, right?

No, he smells great. But it is getting kind of oniony in here.

Can someone open the window? Yeah, I'll get it.

Right over there.

So, Wallace, I'd like to get your opinion on something.

Yeah? Europe.

The...? The continent?

See? Is it?

Is it? Yes, it is a cont...

Is it a continent? It is.

He is from that continent, he should know.

Okay, look at a map, any map, Europe's not a separate continent, it's clearly part of Asia.

Right. But, wait, so if Europe isn't a continent, then why is it a continent?

Because Europeans were the ones who decided what the continents are, and they didn't want to get lumped in with all the, you know, Asians.

Ben is trying to change the world from the inside out.

Okay? Eurasia. That's what they should call it.

Europe plus Asia: Eurasia. Okay.

Who wants more wine? I do. Please.

In my glass. Here.

And so, Ben, what is it exactly that you do at the UN?

I'm part of an international consortium of lawyers with a UN mandate to negotiate copyright standards. Wow.

More importantly, are you trying to sleep with my girlfriend?

Ben was working late and Allan invited me...

Don't worry, we're just talking "guy," okay?

They think we're talking about international copyright law.

Okay.

Now, look, I have no problem with the concept of Chantry having guy friends, but if you're trying to move in...

No, no, God, I wouldn't do that.

I just want to be friends with her. And with you.

Friends is fine. Okay? I can do friends.

But you better not try and put your penis anywhere near her.

Okay. Every country has different laws, so it's a logistical nightmare, but I think it's important work, you know?

I think it's worth it. That is impressive. Very impressive.

Oh, shit.

You all right?

Oh, my God, my eye! What is it?

He's just rubbed his eye.

God! My eye! It's really burning.

Did you cut the jalapeno? Yeah, I did.

Yeah. Oh, my...

Wallace, medical school! Shit, it hurts!

Okay, well, do you...? Saline solution. Do you use contacts?

I do. It's in the bathroom. Ben wears contacts.

Okay. Where? Through that door!

Yeah. Oh, God, that's painful!

Okay, what can I do, honey? God, that burns so badly!

It's on that rag and it's in the other eye now!

I'm sorry! Just...

Over there!

Ben? Ben! Oh, shit!

Oh, my God! Ben?

Are you okay?

Okay, don't move. Ben!

Do something! Call 911!

Oh, no! Okay, stay right there! Don't move!

I'm sorry. You look fine.

It hurts me! It hurts me!

Just be still. What if I'm paralyzed?

You're not paralyzed.

I'm gonna give you something for the pain to help you relax.

Oh, my God. What if I relax too much?

What if I lose control of my bodily function?

What if I shit myself?

You know, that actually happens more than you'd think.

It's the worst part of my job. It's super gross.

Here we go.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

And there we are. Just lie still. Shh.

Ooh.

Should you really be eating?

Stress makes me hungry. That's why I can never be a fighter pilot.

I would be, like, 500 pounds, I wouldn't even be able to fit in the cockpit.

Holy night Shh.

So, what's the prognosis, doc?

He'll need the cast for a few more weeks, but the, neck brace is a precaution.

And he'll probably be out in the morning.

If you're gonna spend the night, I can wait here with Ben.

You guys get something to eat.

What are you getting?

Tuna salad. Yeah.

I hate hospitals. Me too.

I spent a lot of time in hospitals as a child.

Because of all your deformities?

No, my parents met as interns. Right.

He does cardiology, she does orthopedics.

He actually proposed to her on the roof of Charing Cross Hospital in London.

That's romantic.

Yeah, until the affairs.

She cheated on him, he cheated on her.

It was just a mess.

How old were you when they got divorced?

7, I think.

Oh, you don't know how to teleport, do you?

No. Okay.

Then I apologize for the awkward situation you're about to witness.

Hi. Sorry, Chantry, this is Megan, my...

Well, my nothing in particular.

Nice to meet you.

Wallace, what are you doing here? Are you sick?

No, Chantry's boyfriend fell out of a window, but he's okay.

Do you want me to look in on him? No. That won't be necessary.

I'm gonna go.

We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch.

Don't get the bagel with smoked salmon, or the tuna, or anything with seafood.

The company that stocks the machine has failed four inspections, but the manager's brother works for the mayor.

I'm sorry, I've been on shift for 18 hours and I'm really tired.

I had so much coffee, and when I saw her, I thought she was your girlfriend, and that made me want to cry.

It's weird I'm saying this out loud, right?

You are, and it is. I just want us to be friends.

Not today, but someday.

Whatever he said, it wasn't black-and-white...

He hasn't said anything about you.

He's never even mentioned you.

Okay, it was nice to meet you.

I hope your boyfriend feels better. Thank you.

That was my ex-girlfriend.

Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, you're really fishhooking me over this new manual.

Is fishhooking good or bad?

You enjoy being fishhooked? I've never been fishhooked.

Take a guess. Probably not.

Definitely not.

Nobody wants to be fishhooked.

All those girls in high school you fishhooked, they didn't like it.

They just wanted to have sex with me. You. Men. Men.

I'm off topic.

God, I hope so. Yeah. Manual.

It needs a lot of work.

So I'll give you, another wee... Month.

Extra month. So make it...

Make it right.

Hang on a second.

Seriously, Josh, this is where we're doing it?

With the wood? Because I think it might be cleaner someplace else.

You're blocking the shot, so... Oh, sorry.

Keep going, Josh. Douche.

It is total bullshit that Josh got the project manager job over you.

Everyone knows it's your design, and now Josh is acting like it's his.

It's, like, sexism or something. Our boss is a woman.

I am so pissed that I gave Josh a ho-jo after the Christmas party.

It is kind of your tradition to give one of our coworkers a handsy for Christmas.

Shh!

Listen, guys, Holly offered me the promotion first.

I turned it down. What?

Why? Because I like being an animator.

I do, and the project manager has to deal with so much more, like, hassle and paperwork and meetings, and Josh is gonna end up stuck in Taiwan half the year.

Yeah, all that extra power and money and travel is gonna suck.

Stop. She doesn't want the hassle, okay?

She's got a great job, a great boyfriend, great friends like me, kind of you.

She's happy just the way things are, right?

Right.

Oh, good, there they are.

Servings per pack, about 107.

Oh, about. About.

Oh, okay. Heh-heh-heh.

Just in case you want to eat all of it in one sitting.

That is not a good idea.

Please don't... Please don't eat it all.

I won't.

I wanna know where the weird shit is.

Like, where are the animal parts that you think are trash, but are actually food? Chantry, I've been waiting for the right moment to, talk to you about this, but I think maybe it's better just to stop building it up and just say it.

Okay. Is everything okay?

Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah.

Okay so we've been together five years, and it feels like our relationship is built to last.

No matter what the future holds.

I've been asked to take charge of the European negotiation.

It's a six-month contract.

But the thing is, the team is based in Ireland, so I would have to live in Dublin, although I'd have to travel around the whole, continent.

You mean the subcontinent, but that's okay. Right.

Look, this is important to me, but there is nothing more important than you.

So if you feel like, the long-distance thing is too much, I'll turn it down.

This is a huge opportunity for you, right?

Lead negotiator?

I love you. I love you.

Go, Felix!

Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it. I'm saying you'll get horribly sick.

But it wouldn't kill you.

You can eat your own poop, but if you eat the poop that you poop out after eating the first poop, it's so toxic, you'll die.

So you can eat your poop once, but not twice.

Hey, excuse me. Excuse me.

Okay, where did you get beer at a children's karate tournament?

Where'd you get beer at a children's karate tournament?

So, Wallace, we should get to know each other better.

Talk about the issues of our time.

Gay marriage, abortion, can men and women really be friends, or do you secretly want to bang Chantry?

Thank you. She has a boyfriend.

Yeah, who you threw out a window. By accident.

Dude, listen, Ben is moving to Dublin, and your whole "if it starts dirty, it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways.

The night I met Allan, I was so into him, it wasn't till I woke up the next morning that I remembered I had a boyfriend.

Love is dirty, baby.

Sometimes it's downright filthy.

Oh, Christ.


Hey.

I need to wear something to this company dinner with our production partners from Taiwan.

What do you think?

I think that's quite a dress.

Do you think it's, like, a little too slutty for me?

No, nothing's too slutty for you. Can I help you?

Yeah, actually, I would like to try on that dress.

We only have the one left, and it's a size two.

Are you a two? Yes.

I'm gonna get the measuring tape. I'm a two.


Wallace?

Wallace! Yes?

Are you alone?

Like, in the universe?

No, in the hallway!

Yes.

Okay...

Do you need me to get someone? No, no, don't get anyone.

I need you to come in here.

What?

I'm kind of stuck.

So I need you to crawl under, but keep your eyes closed.

Really? I am in a state of undress.

You need to close your eyes. Okay, okay.

Promise to close your eyes and keep them closed?

Yes, I promise. Hurry!

What? I... No...

Did you open your eyes? No, I just banged my head because my eyes are closed.

Okay, so here's what happened.

I tried it on, and I think it got hooked on my bra or something, and now I can't get it off. Right.

You're not gonna laugh, are you?

I can't even see what's going on. Okay.

Okay...

Are your eyes closed? Yes.

I think you need to move a bit.

There, yeah.

You're all right. No. It's stuck.

Okay, okay. Turn around, turn to me.

Yeah.

Thank you. It's okay.

Should I hold that?

Here, hold this.

And keep your eyes closed.

Oh, I love you so much, I wanna just rip off your arms and legs and carry you around in my purse all day.

I love you so much I want to grind up your muscles and organs and bones and spread you on toast.

I love you so much I want to just cut you open and scoop out your insides and wear your skin around town like an Allan suit.

Okay. Bye, Wallace. Bye, Nicole.

Can I talk to you about something?

I just had sex. I'm about to eat nachos!

It's the greatest moment of my life!

Unless you screw it up with whatever you're about to say.

It's about your cousin.

She's my cousin. It's like incest.

Well, she's not my cousin.

But you're like my brother, so it's like my brother asking my advice on how to incestuously bang my cousin.

No, I'm not. She... She has a boyfriend.

Yeah. He's been over for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past five years.

Okay, let me break it down for you.

This perfect nacho chip is Ben.

He works at the United Nations as an expert in international copyright law.

This moldy banana is you.

I have no idea what you do. Every time you tell me, I fall asleep.

You know I write user manuals for dedicated purchasing software.

Like copyright law is so exciting. At least he's an expert in something.

What are you an expert in? Nothing.

"There are no people anywhere seeking my advice on any subject."

Ben's been dating Chantry for five years.

They live together.

They own furniture.

They have a cat. You have nothing.

You don't even have a plant.

You've been single since that douche-bag Megan broke your fragile little heart.

Okay, okay. I broke up with Megan, all right?

She wanted to stay together and work it out.

I said no, so I dumped her.

Of course you did.

Anyway, I get it. It's fine.

She's in a relationship. Nothing's gonna happen.

You totally killed my sex nacho high.

So...

Keys, wallet, passport, phone.

Keys, wallet and... Yes, this.

It's an open ticket to Dublin. It's a five-hour flight.

It's already paid for, so use it whenever you want, even if it's just for a weekend, even if it's just for a day, even if it's just for a kiss.

Okay?

No, baby, baby, I got to go. I got to go. The cab's here.

I'm so sorry. I can't miss my flight.

Okay, I'm so late. Okay?

Okay, baby?

Goodbye.

Love you. Love you too.

Bye.


Hey, it's me. Sorry I missed your call.

I'm in Berlin.

Hey, it's me. I'm in Munich.

Hey, I'm in Prague. I'm in Amsterdam. I'm in Florence.

Hey, honey, I'm in Vienna now.

I got your message. Cell reception in Athens is a mess.

Did you get my postcard? Hey, it's me.

Why don't you call me right before you go to bed, even if it's a weird time here.

I just want to hear your voice.

So I finally got my cast off.

My arm's all smelly and shriveled.

If I felt you up, it'd be like you were cheating on me with my evil twin.

Please, tell me more about how you want to molest me with your creepy, rancid freak arm.

You'd love Dublin, though.

They've got us all staying in the same building, so the whole office is basically living together, but I've already made some good friends.

It's nice, but I just...

You know, I miss you so much.

Yeah, I know, I...

I really miss you too.

Look, I got to go, okay?

I love you.

Okay.

See you. Okay.

All right, speak tonight. All right, talk to you then.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Sorry. No worries.

Black for you, milk for me. Cheers.

Yep.

So is Ben settling in okay?

Yeah, he's great. He's doing great.

He's having a great time.

Are you having a great time?

Not really. I'm having kind of a crappy time, actually.

Sorry. Yep, this, right now, this is the high point of my social calendar.

Aw. See, that is sad.

I know. I've been thinking about just starting drinking.

Yeah. Yeah.

Heavily. Heavily.

Do you need someone to start drinking with you?

Really? I'm very, very willing.

You want to help me drown my sorrows?

Of course. Absolutely.

Done.

Bottoms up!

Oh, my God!

Horrible! Horrible!

As always! And cheap!

All right, prospective person at this bar for you.

I don't think anyone I'd like would come to a place like this.

You're here, Wallace.

Yeah, because you dragged me here. So?

Look at this girl. She's so pretty.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah? No, she's super pretty! Yeah. Oh, okay.

You want me to go tell her that you have six nipples?

Yeah. No, you know what? All right.

No, you know what? I'll do it myself. It'll be easier coming from me.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I'm sorry, hi. Hi.

Oh, wow. You've got amazing teeth.

Sorry, can I buy this drink for you?

Yeah, that's so sweet.

Thank you. You're welcome.

So...

Heh. Burn!

All right, weirdest place you've ever had sex.

Bakery, night shift.

I will never be comfortable eating a cupcake again.

What about you?

Ferris wheel.

Stuck at the very top. We could see for miles around, but no one could see us.

Yes! Oh, yeah!

Thank you for being so gracious in victory.

Whoo! Hand clasp of champions.

Rub it in.

So how many serious relationships have you actually had?

Four! Two in high school, and one in college before Ben, and then Ben.

You? Six?

One in high school, one the summer after high school, three in college, and one since.

No, sorry, two since. So seven.

Are you usually the dumper or dumpee?

Statistically, I'm a dumper, but it's not like I've never been dumped.

I've just been really good at knowing when to get out.

You? No, I've never dumped anyone.

I always try to make it work.

You know, I haven't hit the bar scene in, like, a very long time.

I thought it was gonna be the worst, but that was surprisingly painless.

I'm just sorry you didn't find true love tonight.

Well, you can't have it all.

And what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?

The worst thing that's ever happened to me is kind of the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Megan, you met the other day, I burst in on her making out with our, frankly, gross anatomy professor, and I was like, "Wow, we actually are my parents.

We are almost both doctors, and we already started cheating on each other."

So I got out of there, and yeah.

So, in a way, that became the best thing that ever happened to me.

So, what is the worst thing that ever happened to you?

My mom died when I was in junior high.

She had breast cancer.

You don't realize how quickly everything can fall apart until it does.

Makes you never want to give up anything good ever again.

Can I change my answer?

The worst thing that happened to me is saying my lame relationship drama is the worst thing that happened to me, when something really awful happened to you.

It's okay.

I like your answer.

Plus, I get to be part of the worst part of your life now.

That's really good.

And for future reference, when the answer is your mom died of cancer, you should really go first.

All right. Thanks for the etiquette lesson.

No worries.

Good night, Wallace.

Good night, Chantry.

You know, he has all these new experiences, he's meeting all these new people.

And then, "What's going on with you?"

And it's like, "Well, I'm in the middle of my same old life, except, whoops, my boyfriend's out of the country."

So Dolly was telling us about this Wallace guy...?

We're friends.

Well, no, I know, obviously you guys are friends, but is he cute?

Should you be introducing him to your single, desperate friends like me?

No, no, I already called dibs on him.

Why?

He was supposed to be my rebound. That's why it didn't work with Noel.

I needed a buffer between Rob and Noel.

A buffer made of sex.

You little prostitute.

Dalia, you barely know him. Well, you know him.

You hang out with him all the time, so he's not a loser.

He hasn't made some creepy move on you, so we know he's not a creep. He's vetted.

Well, is he funny or smart?

He's definitely smart. He's not funny.

He's, like, kind of, like, bantery.

He's kind of like a male version of Chantry, actually.

Oh, wait, so he's Mantry? Oh, no.

Yes, he is. He's totally Mantry. No. No, We're not...

Dalia wants to have rebound sex with her sister's man-twin.

Option one, make a move on her.

Bold, direct.

If you're lucky, you hook up, she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben.

If you're unlucky, she's furious, ends your friendship.

So be sleazy? Yeah.

You think that'll work? No.

Even if she goes for it, she'll resent you for getting her to cheat.

She'll break up with him, but she won't go out with you because you're...

Sleazy. Yeah.

Option two, be the guy she goes to for advice.

The downside is you have to listen to her talk about Ben.

The upside is you can slant your advice to slowly turn her against him.

So be conniving? Yeah.

And that'll work? Maybe.

Maybe she'll see through it and think you're...

Conniving? Yeah.

Option three, patiently wait it out.

Either the distance gets to them and they break up, or it doesn't, and they get married, live a happy life, with you always on the outside, looking in, quietly pining indefinitely.

So be pathetic? Yeah.

That sounds fun.

It's got the advantage of not being unethical, but the disadvantage of being...

Pathetic. Yeah.

So your advice is be sleazy, conniving or pathetic.

Well, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound like very good advice.

Aw...

Oh, my God. Do you like it?

Well, it's not my engagement ring.

It's whether she'll like it. I think she'll love it.

Then you're made for each other.

Why'd you get all snaky when we were talking about Wallace earlier?

I...

Come on.

Look, you just, like...

You don't have the greatest track record with guys. That's all.

You think I'm gonna break his heart and mess up your friendship?

No.

So you think I'm not good enough for him?

Obviously not. That's obviously not what it is.

Some of us aren't as lucky as you and Ben.

Some of us want a guy that doesn't make us feel like crap.

There is a fourth option.

Yeah? Be honest.

Tell her how you feel.

It might ruin the friendship, but at least you stood up like a man and expressed your feelings.

Wait, I'm sorry. Since when does being a man involve expressing your feelings?

Did I miss a memo? Because if I recall, being a man meant hiding your feelings forever.

Like Bruce Willis. You never see Bruce Willis expressing feelings.

The most you ever get out of Bruce is a hint of melancholy at the edge of a smirk. Do you think Bruce would be happy just being friends?

A hundred percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship.

You are a hundred percent honest with Nicole?

Yes. Yep. About everything.

New Orleans, 2006?

What was her name? Favia?

Yeah, she did look like a woman, to be fair.

Ninety-nine percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship.

You know, it's not worth the risk, not if it means losing her as a friend.

Well, so then it's option five. What's that?

You move on.

Hello.

Oh, hi. Hey.

Hello, welcome.

Welcome to our engagement party.

We are so happy to have everybody we care about together in one space.

Here's the thing, we both really want to get married, but...

But we hate weddings. Every wedding I've been to has completely sucked.

Sorry, Aunt Cathy, Uncle Drew and Olivia.

And we don't like long engagements, so we are getting married here, tonight.

Zella is our registered civil officiant.

Oh, and, Mom, I got your wedding dress altered.

I hope that's okay.

Becky's gonna be Nicole's maid of honor.

Wallace... Here!

...is gonna be my best man. Thank you very much.

Everyone stay away from my Uncle Herman. All right.

Okay, I... Like, I don't need you finger-combing my wisps. I'm serious.

You look pretty. Nicole?

I've been sent to get an ETA.

Oh, is that Wallace? Yes.

Just come in.

Oh, wow, you look amazing.

Yes. Becky, seriously, if I don't get some alcohol, I'm gonna panic.

Hey, I'll go. No, no, no, you stay.

Becky's more nervous than I am, and frankly, it's wigging me out. Now, go.

You, stay, talk to me.

So... So?

So. What?

Why are you torturing yourself over a ten-second conversation with Chantry that would answer everything?

It's your wedding day.

Can we talk about you? Exactly. It's my wedding day.

As best man, it's your job to keep me calm so that I don't crawl out that window and go and bang a sailor.

Where are you gonna find a sailor? At the dock.

God, what's the best-case scenario?

"Wallace, I love you. Let's have sex forever until we die having sex"?

That is the best-case scenario.

Okay, and what's the worst-case scenario?

"Wallace, you shit-drizzling liar.

This whole time, you've just been trying to put your junk inside my trunk."

Anything involving the phrase "put your junk inside my trunk" actually would be the worst-case scenario.

Look, the one thing I like about getting married is that you get to stand up in front of everyone you care about and state, for the record, that you believe in the best-case scenario.

It terrifies me, but that's why the outfits are so nice.

Okay.

Thanks. Cheers.

I got her! She's mine! My wife.

Yeah. Mommy!

I can't believe no one stopped that.

Nice.

And I learned a lot of lessons that night about gambling addictions and identity theft and the Romanian legal system, but the most important lesson I learned was from Nicole, and it was about friendship.

I love you, Nicole.

Oh, so much fun.

Yay! Yay.

Look at you. You didn't even practice.

Whoo! Go, Wallace!

Go, Wallace! Thank you, thank you.

To those of us who begrudgingly call Allan a friend...

...it seems impossible that any woman could handle him for an hour, let alone a lifetime.

And then you meet Nicole, and that is the good news here.

If these two can find each other, then there truly is somebody for everyone.

The bad news is that one day, they will procreate, and their hideous offspring will obviously cause the Apocalypse.

But tonight, we celebrate the good news.

I remember the night Allan and Nicole met, and that instant connection.

You know, if you're lucky, it happens once in a lifetime, and if you're unlucky, then you have to come to weddings and hear people like me talking about it, and assume that we are all hopeless romantics.

It's very easy to be cynical about love, but this, tonight, this is hard.

So to Allan and Nicole, for making the hard way look easy.

Cheers! To Allan and Nicole.

All right, thanks, everyone.

Yep. That's it.

Perfect timing.


Are you sure? It's so near here for me.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm all about the door-to-door service.

Heh. Okay.

Let me out? Sure.

Oh, gosh. German cars.

Good night.

Wallace, you clean up nice.

Yes, so do you.

Okay. Good night.

Bye!

Bye. Bye.

Great. Thank you very much.

Listen, I don't think it's a good idea for me to come inside with you.

What? Heh. Don't get all mad.

If you're gonna get mad, I guess we could make out, but we are not having sex. No.

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Why? Because I won't have sex with you? Pfft.

That's really nice, Wallace.

No, that's not what I meant.

I know, I'm just kidding.

Oh, right. What part are you kidding about?

All of it. I'm very confused by this conversation.

Fine, let's go inside.

Dude, my sister. Sweet score. No, this isn't what it looks like.

Well, okay. Yeah, it is, it is what it looks like.

She's super-hot. Plus, she's 99 percent genetically identical to me, so...

Anyway, have fun making out with my sister.

Actually, just FYI, if you do go through with this, you can be pretty much absolutely positive I will never, ever, ever, ever have sex with you ever.

Bam!

Ever!

I'm sorry.

Dalia, I... Look, I think... I think you're great, but, I can't do this.

Heh. Great? You think I'm great? I don't...

I don't throw myself at guys, like, ever.

I made an exception for you because you were cute, and you think I'm great?

Great?

Get the fuck out! Sorry.

God, get your...

Get out faster! Okay, I'm going!

I can't believe I got a Brazilian for this!

Goodbye! Jesus!

Hello? Ben. Hi.

Hi. Are you okay? Hi.

It's the middle of the night there.

I'm really good.

I'm really just a little bit drunk. Okay, but...

And I'm wearing such a fancy, fancy dress.

I see. Hang on a second.

But... Hang on a second.

Listen very closely, okay?

Okay. Really closely.

But...

Do you hear that? I can, but...

That's the sound of me unzipping my very, very fancy dress Well, that's good news. that I happen to be wearing really cute panties under.

You are? And also, like, a bra that totally, totally matches.

Chantry... Can you picture me in them?

Hey, can you picture me out of them?

I... I... I definitely can.

The thing is, I'm just in the, middle of the Brazilian presentation now.

That's not to say I, don't fully support the concept.

It sounds very interesting.

And, I would love to continue discussing it at a later time.

Okay, I'll confirm. Bye.

Sir. Please, carry on.

It's good? Oh, yeah.


You never asked me what happened with Wallace the other night.

I'm respecting your privacy.

He's a big, stupid, fat jerk.

I hate him.

Okay.

He propositioned me.

He said, like, dirty, disgusting things he wanted to do to me.

Me, your little sister.

That's so terrible.

I know, and so I told him, "I'm not that kind of girl," and he just, like, flew into a rage, and he attacked me and tried to break all my fingers and poke my eyeballs out.

So the cops had to come and pull him off me.

The cops came? Yeah.

And then he just shot them all in the face, and they all died.

And some of them had kids and they'll never know their father.

He didn't even care. He was just, like, laughing and shooting them all, and he had a huge chubby.

And then he said he was gonna come to your house and kill you while you were sleeping.

Yeah, that sounds exactly like Wallace.

Have you talked to him lately?

No.

So he didn't say anything about me completely humiliating myself in front of him?

No.

He's a big, stupid, ugly jerk, and you shouldn't be friends with him anymore.

Okay.

Look how pregnant I can make myself look.

You want to feel my baby?

It's so hard.

Oh, my God, it kicked! Shut up. Heh-heh.

I'm gonna make you raise it.

I'm firing Josh.

The Taiwan team hates him, nobody listens to him.

On the plus side, I hear he's banging enough Taiwanese girls to qualify for the douche-bag Olympics.

So there's a silver lining.

That's, unfortunate.

I need someone full-time in Taiwan to clean up Josh's mess.

I want it to be you.

I mean, this whole thing is your concept.

If we had had you as project manager from the start, we'd have saved a lot of time. Honestly, I just...

I don't even know if I would enjoy being the project manager, so...

You get an apartment, car, language lessons.

Yeah. Obviously a raise.

I need your answer by the end of the month.

And to be clear, this is the last time I offer you a promotion.

Okay. I got it.

Holly...

I'm gonna think about it, I promise.

So I was reading this thing about how, when, they were trying to name Cool Whip, they came up with 10,000 ideas.

Like, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas.

And none of them were as good as Cool Whip?

No, Cool Whip was the best. That's what they said.

And they said, "Just try to, like, think of, like, ten of your own," just to see, like, how hard it is.

Cool Puff. Puffy Whip.

Creamy Dream. Zit Topping.

Angel Puff. Angel Gas.

Bruce Springscream and the E-Foam Band.

Puffin' Lovin'. Dump That Puff on My Face.

Whip-Master Cool and the Puff Brigade.

Ha-ha-ha. Stuff Me with Puff.

Sir Puff-A-Lot's Whipped Foam.

Non-Hodgkin's Cream-Foam-A.

Shove This Shit on Food. Whip-Whippy-Whippy Pippitins.

So how many is that? I don't know.

Yeah, it's not that hard. No.

No. Let's go swimming!

I didn't bring my suit, did you? No.

We take our clothes off? Yeah.

You gonna come get me? Yeah!

Are you gonna come get me? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

You're hitting me!

Ha-ha-ha! It's very warm.

Ooh! It's cold! It's cold! Ha-ha!

It's cold.

It's cold!

Allan!

Don't!

Do you want to go swimming?

Yeah.

Do you think it'll be cold?

Yep.


You've got a tattoo.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's... It... I know, it's...

It's your mom, right?

Oh, God! What?

Something just... Something just touched my foot.

Okay. No, it was really gross.

Okay. It's not funny.

That was funny.

Oh...

Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Wow.

Wallace?

Yes?

I'll look if you look.

Okay.


Where are our clothes?

Did we drift further down? No, the fire's right there.

Yeah, they took our clothes.

Oh, God.

The car is gone.

God, how'd it get so cold? It wasn't cold at all before.

It was, like, a warm night.

Okay, you keep the sleeping bag and I will figure something out.

No, I can't let you just, like, spend the night on the sand, like, all cold and wet and naked like a walrus.

Do you think that's funny?

Do you think this is, like, some hilarious prank played on us by our wacky pals? Because I don't.

I thought you were trying to lighten the mood with a mildly amusing joke involving a walrus.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood the seriousness of your walrus reference.

Don't be an asshole.

I'm not being an arsehole. You are. You are being an asshole.

You're not taking this seriously, and you're treating it like a joke, and it's not.

There is a line, a line that should not be crossed, and they crossed it.

And you know what? Treating it like a joke is being an asshole.

I'm not treating this like a joke, and I am not being an arsehole.

Allan is being an arsehole, Nicole is being an arsehole, and right now, you are being an arsehole.

Me? I'm standing here with a branch.

A branch that cuts down zero percent of the wind-chill factor on my dick.

I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag.

How does that make me an arsehole?

Fine. Fine? What does "fine" mean?

Fine! It means we'll share.


Chantry? What?

They brought our clothes back.

I'll never doubt you again.

Hey, you guys have fun last night?

Hey.

Sleep well? You're an arsehole.


Ben.

Chantry?

Julianne is part of the Argentinean team.

She lives in the apartment next door.

A bunch of us went for a drink after work, and I was just helping her home.

Ben, I'm not accusing you of anything.

You need not worry about his fidelity.

I'm not some beautiful but morally corrupt Argentine girl.

Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

Because I wanted to surprise you.

Surprise.

Okay, I need to go to my apartment now, and stuff old socks in my ears so I don't hear your lovemaking through the wall.

And I'm keeping this meat.

Good night. Sorry, you... You startled me.

This isn't how I planned to welcome you to Dublin.

Are you still startled?

Should I get you some warm milk?

Welcome to Dublin.


So, I was reading this thing about, how when they were trying to come up with the name for Cool Whip, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas... What is Cool Whip?

It's a kind of processed cream. Comes in a spray can.

Or in a tub.

I've had the Cool Whip.

I prefer the fresh whipped cream.

Well, when they were trying to come up with the name for that product, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas, and they said try to come up with ten of your own just to see how hard it is.

Like Puffy Whip, or Whip... Wiffy Puff.

Puffy Air. Whippy Air.

Cow Mixture?

Sweet Dreams? Sweet Dreams.

Cotton Vul-candi-cow?

It could be one.

Cloudy Cow?

So you must be really proud of our Benji.

Yeah. He has the Brazilians on the run.

Heh-heh-heh. You know he has the whole negotiation in his hands?

We're so happy that he's able to stay another six months.

And his Portuguese is really coming on.

He's going to be so good by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro...

I haven't accepted the offer yet.

Obviously, I was planning on talking to you about it first, but I mean, I love it here.

Not just the work. The people, the culture, the music.

You never asked me to move here with you.

When you got the job, you never asked me to come.

I didn't want to ask you to quit a job.

And I mean, you never offered. You never asked.

Well, okay, I'm asking you now.

I mean, there must be animation companies here.

I couldn't do that to Holly. She's been generous giving me this week to make my decision.

Okay, so take the job. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

You'd be in Taipei, I'd be here.

We can meet in the middle.

Like in Toronto?

No, like Tel Aviv, Istanbul, Mumbai...

It'll be a story we can tell our kids.

It's romantic. Sounds lonely.

Look, I'm just trying to make this work, okay?

Don't you wanna make this work?

Did you guys want to borrow some of my balls?

I think someone sharted and it might be Mrs. Cole.

Everyone, check. Check. Shart check.

You can look it up on Urban Dictionary.

Fail. You couldn't find that stone if it was in your kidney.

I can see your back acne through your blouse.

Look at you just drunkenly spewing out joy like a shit Santa.

Yep. That's you now, yeah?

Nicole's spending the night at Becky's.

We had a fight.

First fight as a married couple.

Ta-da! You want a beer?

Sure.

So...

I'm sorry, okay?

I let Nicole talk me into it, even though I knew it was a bad idea.

I'm not like you.

I can't hook up with somebody if they're already with someone else.

It's wrong. It was wrong when my parents did it to each other, it was wrong when Megan did it to me.

It was wrong when you and Nicole did it to her ex.

You don't think the fact that we got married kind of justifies it?

Not unless you want to be married to someone who doesn't mind cheating.

Hey, that's my wife, okay?

Nicole talks a good game, but she's been hurt like everybody else.

Her ex was a dick.

He treated her real bad.

It's complicated.

All this love shit's complicated. And that's good.

Because if it's too simple, you've got no reason to try.

And if you got no reason to try, you don't.

Oh. Oh... Wait, I just described you.

You know what? Maybe you're right.

But either way, you're an arsehole, Allan.

Hit a three-pointer!

Hi. Hi.

Come in or whatever.

I just jogged over here to feed the cat.

If I don't shower right away my pores get all clogged and I get this, like, zit nest on my forehead.

So, why are you feeding the cat?

So it doesn't starve to death.

But why can't Chantry feed it? Because she flew to Dublin.

She flew to Dublin?

Yes, of course she did.

You like her.

You like Chantry.

Get in the shower. I can see your blackheads from here.

No, don't get all snooty with me just because you're so busted.

Look, I'm not in love with your sister.

You are a nice-ish guy, and you're amusing, but Chantry loves Ben.

They're gonna get married and live happily ever after.

You're just gonna be this guy that she was friends with for a couple months.

"What was his name...? Walter? I don't know."

So you just need to do whatever you need to do to get over it, okay?

Because it's never gonna happen.

Welcome to Dublin and thank you for flying with us.


Okay.

She's gone.

Is she coming back?

Hey, Wallace, it's Chantry.

I'm getting on a plane right now, and I'm wondering if you're free for lunch tomorrow at, like, noon, at the George Street Diner?

There's something I want to talk to you about.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Taxi!

George Street Diner!

Shit!

Excuse me!

Hi. Hey.

Oh, my God, what did you do to yourself?

Oh, ninja attack.

Oh! The stupid ninjas.

I know. I hate them.

Me too. Very annoying.

Oh, thank you.

I'm good.

How you doing? Heh. Hi.

So I went to Dublin, right?

Right. Yes. Yes. Listen...

There's a bunch of stuff going on with me that I haven't told you about because...

I haven't been sure what the right thing to do is.

Wallace, your face just looks terrible.

Oh, no, don't worry about it, really. What were you gonna say?

Okay, so... Just that...

I've been having to do a lot of big-picture thinking about...

Wallace, seriously, I cannot concentrate because of your mangled head.

What did you do to yourself?

Did you hit yourself with something?

Car accident?

Did you walk into a door...?

Ben punched me.

I flew to Dublin.

Why did you fly to Dublin?

To tell you how I feel about you.

That's not why. Well, I wanted to be honest with you.

You could have been honest with me any time.

You flew to Dublin to break up me and Ben.

Right?

How long have you felt this way?

Pretty much since the day we met.

So... when I said "I have a boyfriend and I just want to be friends" and you said that's what you wanted too, that was a lie?

No. No. I wanted that to be true. But it wasn't.

You never wanted to be my friend. We are friends.

I haven't just been trying to put my junk inside your trunk.

I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy, but you're totally that kind of guy.

God, he must think I'm such an idiot. You must think I'm such an idiot.

Of course not. I trusted you.

I trusted we were what we said we were: friends.

But you can't be friends if you're skulking around waiting for some opportunity to screw them.

No! Look... What are you talking about?

I'm not... It's not like you've caught me bathing in orphan blood or masturbating in your kitchen.

I just...

I like you a little bit more romantically than I let on.

It's not a crime.

And if it is, you're not exactly innocent.

What's that supposed to mean?

You crossed all the same lines I did, and I was single. You weren't.

I've never cheated on anybody.

And now you're making me feel like I somehow cheated on Ben?

Wait. Hold on.

I'm making you feel like that?

What, and you did nothing that I might possibly misconstrue?

That night on the beach? "I'll look if you look"?

I mean...

What, did you tell Ben about that?

That was a mistake.

This was a mistake.

I'm leaving. Please...

No, Chantry, please... No, I'm leaving the country.

You're moving to Dublin? No.

I've been offered a job in Taiwan.

I'm putting my career first.

So I'll be gone soon, for a year.

Maybe more.

It's a really big promotion.

Congratulations.

See you around, Wallace.

Uncle Wallace? Not right now, Felix.

Can I talk to you? Felix, I said not right now!

I'm having a bad life.

What are you doing that's so important that you don't have time for your nephew?

I'm not the kid's dad, all right?

He's your responsibility, not mine. Fine.

I'm a bad mom.

And when Felix grows up, he can blame me for all his problems and the circle of life can continue.

I'm doing the best I can.

Which is all any of us can do, except you.

You are not doing the best you can do! You...

What's wrong? What's wrong? Are you choking?

Okay, I'm gonna try and Heimlich you.

Okay. Again.

Big one!

Oh, God.

Ellie, you know you're not a bad mom, right?

It wasn't my plan that you should be my son's primary male role model.

But you are.

Mine.

Gross.

This expired months ago.

Yeah, it's probably Ben's.

So that's it? You're just gonna throw it away?

Let me guess, we're not talking about salsa.

I just think you're making a huge mistake.

You really think Taiwan's a mistake? Yes, I do.

I think you're totally screwing up your life, actually.

Or not, maybe?

I just don't have any idea what I'm doing.

I'm gonna be all the way over there, and I'm not gonna have anybody.

I'm gonna be all alone, and I'm gonna have all these responsibilities, and then... And you're gonna be so far away.

And Ben and...

And there's, you know...

Wallace?

Yeah.

Yeah. Have you heard from him?

No, but I think I messed it up really bad.

I called him a liar.

And I think that I might be the liar.

No. Yes.

I mean, I think it might count as lying if you lie to yourself.

No. Come here.

Everything might have turned out for the best.

I'm... I'm going back to med school.

I sent in my application today. Oh. So you just gave up?

No.

I'm not giving up. I'm going...

I'm getting back to the life I was supposed to have by now.

When you're old and wrinkled and your penis doesn't work anymore...

Not that it's in great shape now.

But in that old, wrinkled, dickless future, will this seem like the right call?

Yes. I'll think dropping out of med school because of a girl was stupid.

Not chasing after a girl who doesn't want me was definitely smart.

I'm a doctor now.

I've saved probably millions of lives, because I'm brilliant.

I cured the zombie epidemic. You remember that?

I found the cure, so you can all be grateful, shut up and stop questioning my decisions.

What?

Well, it was supposed to be a secret, but loose lips over here knocked me up.

Oh, shit!

You got a baby in you!

Yeah, I know. I know. Congratulations!

Oh, that means the Apocalypse has really started.

That's great! Yay!

And you're the first person we told, so you can't be mad at us anymore.

You have to forgive pregnant people for anything they've ever done to you.

It's like a federal law. Deal.

Wow. I can't wait to meet this kid.

Yeah. And... we're having a going-away party for Chantry, and you should come to it to say goodbye.

No.

No, we already said our goodbyes.


Wallace? No.

It's nice. So slutty.

No, it's not. Yeah, it is.


No, I think mine are normal and yours are tiny.

I don't want you to leave.

No. Me neither.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Bye. Skype me.

Be careful. Take care of yourselves.

I'm never gonna Skype. Call me tomorrow.

Bye.

Hey. Hey.

How are you? I'm great. How are you?

Good. Good.

So your new job is going to be amazing.

And you get to live in Asia.

Yeah. I hear Taiwan is incredible.

Yeah, and you're gonna go back to med school.

Yeah. Yes.

That is so great.

You think so?

No. Actually, I've always hated doctors, so I pretty much think you've become the Antichrist.

Right. And Taiwan is shit.

That was... Everything I said a second ago was a lie.

And you're gonna have an awful time because Chantry means "syphilitic woman." Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Well, at least it will be accurate.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah...

So how long until you see, people just as, like, slabs of meat that you can cut up and sew back together, and not, like, actual people with, like, real feelings?

Oh, God, hopefully as soon as possible.

I mean, I've been practicing at night on tiny, defenseless animals and homeless people.

Oh, good. That's actually what homeless people are there for.

Yes, I know. Yeah.

They're all just bodies in waiting. Especially for a sociopath.

Especially for... Yeah, that... But that's been my goal, as you know: just to feel nothing.

Yeah, it wouldn't be such a bad idea sometimes.

So Dublin... It's okay.

No, it's not. I'm really sorry.

It was stupid, and I know Ben is a good guy and he didn't deserve that.

Yeah. Yeah.

So are you two okay?

I'm not sure.

About anything.

So I got really creative when I was cleaning out my fridge.

Did you? And...

I...

I made you that.

It's... It's Fool's Gold.

I even coated the loaf in butter as you are supposed to.

That's the real thing.

I can't believe you did this.

This is your going-away present.


I don't know what to say.

So I've thought a lot about something you said.

About how, when you realize how quickly everything can fall apart, it makes you never want to give up anything good ever again.

Whatever this is between us, it is good.

It is so good.

It is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want it to be over.

I don't want it to be over, either.

I kind of wish, you know, like, we could invent a time machine or something.

If we ever invent time travel... Yeah?

...I would go back to the night we met.

You would? Yes.

What would you do differently?

Nothing.

Me too.


Hey, Walter.

Wallace. Oh, sorry.

It's just so weird seeing you here.

Yeah, really weird.

Where have you just come in from? Taiwan.

You've been in Taiwan this whole time?

Yeah, I was, and then I was doing some traveling with my, fiancé.

You got engaged?

Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, no, me too. Oh!

I don't know why I did that. I have nothing on this hand.

So who is the incredibly lucky guy?

He's just this dude who stalked me all the way to Taiwan.

That's a coincidence. I followed my fiancée to Taiwan as well, but I made out with her sister first. I'm a bad-arse.

Come here.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'm so happy you're home!

She loved it.

Three!

Oh, please, he's not even a real doctor.

He's a real doctor. He finished his degree.

Allan, in Asia. We're not Asian. It's legitimate medical training.

Wine, please. Here, ask him.

After you have a baby, if you eat the placenta, does it count as cannibalism?

You know that's not a medical question, right?

If a baby's hand is bigger than its face, will it have cancer?

No, it just means your baby has massive hands.

Oh. What's going on here? Hoo-hoo. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, it smells bad. Wait, can you write us a prescription or not? Oh, God.

There goes my husband.

I can't believe you have a husband.

It's crazy. You're weirding me out.

Hey. Oh. So...

Careful. Give me your hand.

You're up here alone, like a total loser. Yeah, but who's the bigger loser?

Me for escaping up here, or you for agreeing to marry me?

No, that's me. Heh-heh.

If I fell, do you think I'd die, or just become massively paralyzed?

Probably just paralyzed.

You'd be so screwed. You'd have to stay married to me.

If you didn't, people would be like, "He divorced his wife after she became paralyzed from the waist down."

From the waist down? Yeah.

So everything would still work down there, though, right?

Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be able to feel anything, but...

I really don't even need you to feel anything now.

I don't want the sex to be too good right away.

I'm intentionally being much worse in bed than I actually am so that it can just keep getting better forever.

But, like, very slowly, over many, many decades so that we hit our sexual peak in our 90s.

Yeah. That's the plan, actually, is if the last time we have sex is also the best and that it actually kills you.

That wouldn't be such a bad way to go.

We should head back soon, right? Yes.

Or we could stay here for another minute.