The Fabulous Baker Boys (1989) Script

What ya doing over there?

Gotta go.

How come? A job.

Funny hours.

Funny job.

Will I see you again? No.

You weren't wearing that earlier, were you?

I brought it. Thank God!

You look like a creep.

You have great hands.

How am I doing, Tommy? Two minutes, Jack.

You're giving me an ulcer, Jack.

I am early.

45 seconds does not qualify as early, Jack.

Who does your tuxedo these days? Moon.

Well, go to China Boy. Look like you crawled out of bed.

"Be the envy of your friends with Miracle Hair"?

This is paint, Frank.

No, it's a magical sheath that simulates a dazzling head of hair.

Frank, this is paint! Just help me put it on.

You're supposed to spray in a circular motion.

Thank you.

Good evening and welcome to the Starfire Lounge.

My name is Frank Baker.

88 keys across from me is my little brother, Jack.

My brother and I have been playing together for how long, Jack?

31 years.

That's a lot of water under the bridge, huh, Jack?

A lot of water.

Things were different then. I was 11, Jack was 7.

The only one who'd listen to us was the family cat, Cecil.

We must have shaved 3 lives off that cat, huh, Jack?

But seriously, it's been 15 years since Jack and I stepped on stage as professionals.

But though we've played some of the finest venues in the world, there's always been a very special place for us.

That place is this place. The Starfire Lounge.


I guess you could just say... the people.

Terrific, boys, terrific. Yes, sir!

You're just what we needed on a night like this.

Thanks, Lloyd.

Only Jack, do me a favor?

If you want to smoke on stage, put on a pair of sunglasses and go play with the niggers on State Street.

Here you go, fellas. Ought to buy you more lessons.

Do you know when you'd want us to come back?

I'll call you.

I thought, the way our schedule is, it might be a good idea...

I'll call you.

Count it. Count it!


Count the fucking money, Frank.

It's all here.

I'll be talking to you, Lloyd.

Very nice, Jack. Very nice.

Fuck him.

This isn't the Pine Tree Inn on Route 81.

Fuck him. Terrific. Fuck him.

Are we on for tomorrow night? Maybe Thursday.

I hear the harpist at the Sheraton has appendicitis.


Don't forget your hair.

I think I'm ready for "Oh What Fun it is to Ride".

Your mom got a new friend?


Sounds big. What's he do?

Kind of like a lawyer, but the hours are more regular.

All I know is, one day he came to take the TV away, and ended up staying for dinner.

What happened to the Donut King?


No breakfast. Maybe they had a fight.


Gotta go. Teach me later?

I'm coming!

Are you bothering Mr. Baker again?

No, Mom.


Get up.

Thank you Mahalu. That concludes this evening's show.

Jack and I hope you enjoyed yourselves as much as we did.


which means "Paddle home safely."

You want to see me, Charlie.

Frankie! Yeah, come on in.

Little slow tonight. Mondays.

How is Jack? Okay.

I wanted to see you alone because...

The kitchen help, maids, they love him. He makes me nervous.

Sometimes he makes me nervous.

Well, anyway...

What is this? Your pay.

What about tomorrow night?

It's all there. Both nights.

What are you saying, Charlie?

You and Jack have been working here a long time.

12 years.

Maybe it's time we took a vacation from one another.


Come on, it's Monday night! You said so yourself.

I got the pianos for two nights.

It wasn't even half full out there tonight.

I have six waiters in the back listening to basketball.

I gotta move the liquor.

So, I have to fill the tables. It's a matter of economics.

I love you guys. You're class.

But people today... they don't know class if it walks up and grabs them by the balls.

15 years, no one's paid us off.

He made the deal. There's no shame in it.

We gotta talk.


I've been thinking maybe we should make some changes.

Maybe we should take on a singer.

It's just an idea. I want your opinion.

We go half on everything, right?

I wouldn't say exactly half, would you?

We agreed it I did the business, I'd be entitled to a little extra.

Is that what we agreed? Yeah, that's what we agreed.

If you're unhappy...

I'm not unhappy. If you want to... assume more of the financial responsibility, I'd be glad.

How much for the singer?

20%. With additional bookings, we'll come out ahead.


Two pianos isn't enough anymore.

Never was.

I appreciate your punctuality, Miss...

Moran. Monica Moran.

Alright, Miss Moran.

Actually, that's my stage name.

I'm sorry. Monica Moran.

That's my stage name. My real name is Blanche.


No romance, right?

That's why I came up with Monica. It's what I prefer.

Well, that's alright.

But if you call my house and my mother answers, ask for Blanche.

If not, she'll think you have the wrong number and hang up.

Yes, well. What is it you'd like to do for us?

"The Candy Man". Is that all right?

That's one of Jack's favorites.

I almost forgot you were there.

Here's the instructions.

He knows it.

Really? Isn't that a coincidence?

Small world.

Shall we?

Who can take a sunrise Sprinkle it with dew Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two The candy man can The candy man can

- The candy man can 'cause he... Thank you, that's enough.

- ...Makes the world taste good Miss Moran!

Miss Moran! - Who can take a rainbow...

Miss Moran! Blanche!


I get so caught up in it sometimes.

It's scary.

Yes, it is.

Well, okay. Thank you.

And now the end is near And so I face the final curtain My friends, I'll make it clear I'll state my case...

Up, up and away In my beautiful balloon Would you like to fly In my beautiful balloon...

Well, tiny bubbles...

When my baby smiles at me I go to Rio...


I want to love you Feel you Wrap myself around you I'm so excited Just about to lose control I'm about to lose control And I think I like it I like it I like it I love it Aaaahh

37 girls and not one who can carry a tune.

There was a certain surreal quality to it.

God damn it!



Is this where the auditions are?

Where the auditions were. We're finished.

What about me?

You're an hour and a half late.

I had trouble catching a cab.

Punctuality, first rule of show business.

This is show business?

Look Miss, we're tired, you have gum on your lip and we're going home.

Just like that, huh?

I come down here, break a heel and you won't give me a chance because I'm a little late!

An hour an a half late. Want me to say it again?

Well, it's not exactly bewitching me.

Besides, you're not going anywhere.

I beg your pardon?

Intuition. I had a hunch about this all day.

Only, in my mind, it was a little more glamorous.

So, where's the winner?

See? Intuition.


What have we got to lose?



What is that, "38"? Do you guys have a code?


Susie Diamond.


Do you have any previous experience as a singer?


Any entertainment experience?

Last couple of years I've been on call for Triple A Escort Service.

What would you like to share?

"More Than You Know".

Slow, okay?

More than you know More than you know Man of my heart I love you so Lately I find You're on my mind More than you know

Whether you're right Whether you're wrong Man of my heart I'll string along You need me so More than you'll ever Know


Did I not tell everyone: 7.15?

She'll get here. Like the day of the auditions.


How is my hair?

Awe inspiring.

Well, yours is not. Let me run a comb through it.

Get out of here. Come on, stand still.

It won't hurt you. Hold on.

I'll hit you, I swear.

You hit me. I told you I was.

I am a little wound up.

You're a fucking alarm clock. I just wish she'd get here.

She's here.

Christ. Look at her.

Good evening, Miss Diamond. You're late.

Guest vocalist? Who's next week, Beverly Sills?

How come you guys have your picture on the poster?

We'll talk later. Your dress?

What are you talking about?

Is there a language problem? Where's your dress for tonight?

Do I look like I'm naked?

With that?

What are you, insane?

Are you going trick or treating?

He doesn't like my dress, right? We don't have much time.

What are you doing? Don't grab me. Don't!

What are you, an eight? A six.

How about this?

Here. How is this?

We'll take them from your share.

You are a prince.

Jack, touch me up, will you? Remember, Jack and I are on first.

I do the set-up and introduce you.

And you say?

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you... what is that?

Winding your watch these days?

A little emergency, Ray. "Miracle Hair".

Who is this, Minnie Pearl? We need some scissors.

I want 75 minutes, Frankie.

Don't worry, they'll cut this off. Scissors!

Fix your tie.

Good luck, guys. It's a pretty ugly group.

They send back the cheese balls.

No scissors.

Good evening.

Welcome to the Ambassador Lounge.

My name's Frank Baker.

And no, you're not seeing double. It's just my brother, Jack.

Just a sip. For the butterflies. Okay, but no lipstick.

What's that on your wrist?

The next hour and a half of my life.

... a very special place.

And that place is this place, the Ambassador Lounge.

Please give a warm welcome to a very special lady with a very special way of singing a song.

Miss Susie Diamond!

Ladies and Gentlemen...

Hit the switch. Switch?

What fucking switch?

Pardon me.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be here.

I work at the Palace Ballroom But, gee, that palace is cheap When I get home To my chilly hall room I'm much too tired to sleep

I'm one of those lady teachers A beautiful hostess, you know One that the palace features At exactly a dime A throw

Ten cents a dance, That's what they pay me Gosh, how they weigh me down.

Ten cents a dance Pansies and rough guys Tough guys who tear my gown Seven to midnight I hear drums Loudly the saxophone blows Trumpets are tearing my eardrums Customers crush my toes Sometimes I think I've found my hero But it's a queer romance All that you need is a ticket Come on, big boy Ten cents a dance

She says "fucking" in front of an entire room of people.

I apologized. Did you hear it?


They were on their third Mai Tai by the time I got out there.


For Christ's sake, I said it, I didn't do it.

I don't think they were that offended, do you?

We don't take tips from dirty old men.

I was going to split it!

We do not take tips. This goes to cost of the dress.

Then I want my picture and my name on the poster.

And these shoes are too fucking tight!

Nice girl.

I love you, baby And if it's quite all right I need you, baby To warm the lonely nights I love you, baby Trust in me when I say I love you, baby And if it's quite all right I need you, baby To warm the lonely nights I love you, baby Trust in me when I say Oh, pretty baby Don't bring me down, I pray Oh, pretty baby Now that I found you, stay And let me love you, baby Let me love you Love you, baby Let me love You

Where did you find her anyway?

The girl.

She was a kid who hung around. We gave her a break.

Give her a tip from me, will ya?

Smaller dress means a bigger crowd.

Here you go, guys. Don't spend it all in one place.

Jack... maybe you want to count it.

You know we trust you, Lloyd.

Frankie, while you're here, how is next week for you guys?

We'll call you.

Did you see his face? Did you see it?

The world is good.

Don't let anybody tell you any different.

Good night, Baker.

How ya doing, Henry?

Can't complain.

What do you think of the kid?

When does his mother pick him up?

He's been playing here for a year.

You ought to come around more often, Jack.

So how about Jack Baker?

Still stomping at the Sheraton?

Keeps me out of trouble.

Then what are you doing here?

Looking for trouble.

Try to control your excitement, Ed.

Let me see your teeth.

Yeah, they gotta to go.

5 is my guess, maybe more. Don't know till I get in there.

And bones?

Those days are over, I'm afraid.

Don't worry, we'll knock him out. He won't feel a thing.

Excuse me.

Should have brushed, pal.

Bernie at the Hilton said the nights we play, she's triples her tips.

That's because there's Chivas. And pearls, not polyester.

I don't understand.

You're saying we should... Ask for a percentage of the bar.

Mel Torme doesn't get a percentage of the bar.

Maybe he never asked.

Are you hearing this?

How much is she drawing?

Well, two months ago she was wearing a Timex, and now a Seiko. The Hilton didn't put it there.

You're not actually listening to this, are you?

Jerry Stein books the Hilton? For 8 years!

Forget about the bar. We'd look like amateurs.

But why not bump them for an extra 100 up front?

I don't like it.

It's not how we play the game.

The game is changing.

No, thanks. I never touch American cigarettes.

3.50 a pack and I go through them!

Paris Opals.

3.50 a pack.

Know how much that is a piece?

17 cents.

17 and a half.

I figured it out once.

If you stick it in your mouth, it might as well be the best.

Merry Christmas!

What do you think?

It's me. I thought I'd give the kids a thrill.

Be bright and early Monday. We got a long drive.

Merry, merry.

I don't know.

It's hard figuring you and Egghead as brothers.

The hospital might have scrambled the babies.

This is a last soul.

Well, au revoir.

Like a cup of coffee?

Now? On Christmas Eve?

No. It gives me the shakes.

I better go home, rest the pipes.

Want me to walk you?

No... thanks.

Listen, you're not going soft on me, are you?

You won't start dreaming about me and waking up all sweaty, and look at me like a princess when I burp?

Forget it.

It would be too creepy, with us working together.

Hurry. You're a nickel down on your cigarette.

Super Chief around the corner.

Bathroom. Super Chief. Around the corner.

No, I left my dog here this morning.

Regular hours are 8 to 5.

I know. I was passing and thought I'd drop by and see him.

You can check on him, tomorrow between 8 and 5.

I thought I could just...

We are not communicating here, are we?

You want to know if he's okay, right?


Alright. Hold on. The name is Baker.

Save it! What's he look like?

Black. Lab.

The dead ones are in the cold room.

No, just a couple of poodles.

I want my dog.

Listen, get out of here. No, you listen you little fuck.

Off your ass, get my dog or I'll stick the magazine down your throat.

We communicating now? Yeah, all right.

Baker, right?

How about a little light?


Forget it. He's still circling the airport.

I didn't know you were coming home tonight.

We sort of skipped the paperwork.

Besides, it's Christmas, right?

Where's your ma tonight?

Out with Bigfoot again?

Did you play her the solo?

Maybe tomorrow, she said.

Just you and me again, huh?

From Hurley's?

Eighty proof. Think you can handle it?

Go easy now.



Can I stay here tonight? Even if she comes home alone?


He's seeing you off, right?

Jack, this is not possible.

We're playing a resort hotel. You can't take a dog.

It's not possible.

It's possible.

Get this. Each room is an event.

An excursion into unprecedented luxury.

Outside, the adventure continues with your own private terrace.

You don't think it really looks like that, do you?

There are pictures right here.

Hear that, Jack? Pictures.

Welcome to the road, Dorothy. You're about to lose your virginity.

Why, thank you.

I'll see you boys inside.

I took the right side of the closet.

Since my bed's on the right, I think it makes sense.

Right. We'll do the drawers the same.

Unless you want the right.

No, you take the right.

Looks like Carmen Miranda had an accident in my room.

They must get a deal on these.

What do you make of this?


It's got more hair than you, Frank.

No peeking at tub time.

What the hell is this?

Do you hear this?

I do now.

Great! Before we play a note, we're gonna get thrown out.

So she's playing a little music.

She's got the Harry James Orchestra in there!




You're looking a little tense.

Of course! It's 2 AM and she's going to wake up everyone!



Down here, gorgeous.

I figured you for jockeys.

New socks?

The look Of love Is in Your eyes A look Your smile can't disguise

The look Of love Is saying so much more Than just words could ever say

And what my heart has heard Well, it takes my breath away I can hardly wait to hold you Feel my arms around you How long I have waited Waited just to love you Now that I have found you Don't ever go Don't ever go-oh-oh Don't ever go I love you so

Mark my words.

From this night forward, our lives will never be the same.

Frank, you get a lot of pop out of two glasses of champagne.

Long way from "Hula Girl Hideaway", eh?

Remember? Banana trees in the lobby.

Takahama's Tahitian.

Did we play there?

I thought we stopped for teriyaki. Three nights.

It's amazing. He can remember ever place we ever played.

The day, the month, the year, how many shows, you name it.

When was Takahama's?

August '74.

See? He's brilliant. Really!


Hey, Jack.

You are brilliant.


It's the same with music. Should've seen him as a kid.

Nobody could ride the keys like Jack.

Mrs. Simpson played something once, and he had it.


I never won a single blue ribbon until the day Jack showed up drunk at spring recital and played

"One O'clock Jump" instead of "Clare de Lune".

The mood just hit me.


"Moonglow"? High school. I couldn't dance.

Jack did the box step with me for a week.

It wasn't a week.

You two are that close? He paid me.

It was my first social with Donna. We fell in love on the dance floor.

I have a beautiful wife, two beautiful children, all because of my brother.

You overestimate the box step.

It was just like this, on our honeymoon.

The moon, the stars.

Remember, Jack?

I wasn't there.


My first solo gig.

God, she was gorgeous.

I couldn't believe she was mine.

How come I got so lucky, Jack?

You're a lucky guy.

You know?

I never kissed my wife on New Year's Eve.

I'm always on stage somewhere.

I think I'm drunk. You two dance.

I'm gonna... go sit with the wallflowers.

I'm not used to leading.

Come on, give the girl a glide.

No. I think your little brother prefers to dance alone.

No, thanks.

I never touch French cigarettes.

Your brother's a good dancer.

Big heartbreaker.

A couple of turns, that was it.


Got them right in the knees.

Practically had to carry the girls off the floor.


Have another drink, Frank.

No, I'm sleepy.

Go to sleep then.


I think I just lost my chaperone.

You're safe.

So where do you keep your blue ribbons, Mr. Baker?

Frank keeps them.

Nice night, huh?

It's quiet, it's like... the whole world is asleep.


I had too much to drink.

Champagne goes right to my head.

Maybe we should call it a night. Yeah.

Miss Diamond!

These just arrived for you.

Looks like you have an admirer.

There's no card.

The gentleman said he would be in contact with you.

He's with the cat food convention. I can have put them in water.

No, that's alright.

It's nice.

It's nice.

It's been 5 years since I've seen you without a cigarette.

The whole room upstairs smells like an ashtray.

You know that? The sheets, the carpets, the drapes. The towels, my tux, my shirt.

Want to smell my shirt?

Maybe later.

I'm not kidding. Do you know what an insidious habit that is?

How many do you smoke a day? Must be hundreds!

This is just a wild stab, but is something bothering you?

Leave her alone.

I mean it.

This isn't a hatcheck girl you can leave behind at the Sheraton.

You've got two shows a night with her.

You don't know what you're saying.

I know trouble, and it's name starts with 'S'.

Do me a favor, Frank. Relax.

Do me a favor, little brother. Stick to cocktail waitresses.

Meeting here each night, sharing these few moments, I feel as if we're becoming one big happy family.

The fine wine, the music...

What's all this mean? I don't know. Who's to say?

All I can tell you is... it makes it very special for us here... to have you out there. Right, Susie?

Right, Frank.

Right, Jack?


But if I can add one more thing.

I love you, Frank.


I love you.

I just wanted to say it.

You came in late on "Little Green Apples".

Excuse me? You heard me.

No, Frank. You came in early.

You have for the past decade. I never missed a beat.

I never miss the beat!

That's because you make it up.

Take it back.

Take it back? What's this, the 3rd grade?

Take it back!

Take a kiwi, Frank.

Go to bed, Frank, or this will get ugly.

Yeah? Yeah, come on.

It's the fucking Newlywed Game.

You hit me. I told you I was going to.

Hello? Yeah.

No, this is 512-B.

Mr. Baker is in 512-A.


No, never mind. I'll get him.

We made a deal.

Training wheels for a month, then we would see.

He ran into somebody's car?

Mrs. Ramadino's station wagon. It wasn't moving. It was parked down the street.

Barely made it out of the driveway.

Got a pencil? Pencil anybody?


I want you to take down the New Year show.

10 o'clock you start with "Thanks for the Memories".

Then you segue into... "Happy Days Are Here Again".

I know the show. Then the song from Camelot.

Don't hesitate to call.

Come on.

Any word from Egghead?

I saved you the crossword.


Well, happy reading.

Hear anything yet?

Not a peep.

I'm going to take a bath.


It's Frank.

So how's little Frank?

Good. That's a relief.

No, I understand. Call me when you have time.

What are you doing?

We're taking a bath.

I mean...

Susie's taking a bath. I'm doing the crossword puzzle.



Kid's in the pink.


Another bride Another June Another sunny Honeymoon Another season Another reason...

For makin' whoopee

A lot of shoes A lot of rice The groom is nervous He answers twice It's really killing That he's so willing To make whoopee

Picture a little love nest

Down where the roses cling Picture that same sweet love nest Think what a year can bring He's washin' dishes And baby clothes He's so ambitious He even sews But don't forget, folks That's what you get, folks For makin' whoopee

For makin' whoopee

For makin' whoopee

For makin'


Boys and girls, find a friend. This is it!

Ten, nine, eight, seven... six, five, four, three... two, one...

So... make any resolutions?

No. You?

No. I figure that stuff is a bunch of crap anyway.

You do what you do, right? That's right.

Old Egghead would've blown a gasket seeing us here tonight!

You're good, aren't you?

I can carry a tune.

You're better than that.

I saw you guys once.

You and Frank.

At the Roosevelt.

Must've been a cheap date.

Soap convention.


Yeah, they got a convention for everything.

The guy was some big roller in suds.

At least he was clean. Some guys you wouldn't believe.

The older ones, they weren't so bad.

Nice. Polite.

Pulled you chair out for you.

But the younger ones...

It wasn't so bad. I'd get a nice piece of steak, flowers, sometimes even a gift.

Usually whatever the guy was into.

I got a set of socket wrenches once.

Guy looked at me like he'd given me 4 dozen roses.

But I stayed at the Hartford one time.

You should see the rooms. All satin and velvet.

And the bed... royal blue, trimmed in lace clean as snow.

Hard to believe a room like that don't change your life.

But it don't.

The bed may be magic, but the mirror isn't.

Still wake up the same old Susie.

I didn't always.

You know, I mean... if I liked the guy.

I never liked the Hartford much myself.

My neck, it's so tight.

Usually singing relaxes me.

But tonight...


You'd make a hell of a fireman, you know that?

Do you practice that at home with a stopwatch?

I didn't want to wake you.

I'm an early riser.

I didn't expect you to buy be a corsage this morning.

Your high school ring is safe.



That takes care of the week of the 5th.

After that, we got the Avedon or the Plaza, 4 day turn.

What do you think, Jack?

You with me, Jack?

The Avedon's a dump.

There's no cover, no minimum. They water their drinks.

Strictly the Fuller Brush crowd.

It's not that bad. Besides, Blacky Carson books the Avedon.

He's always been good to us.

He hasn't been that good. Okay, we'll take the Plaza.

Then the Capri for 5 days. Not the Luau Lounge again.

What the matter? They don't salt their peanuts?

Singing "Feelings", knee-deep in paper orchids and plastic Tiki lamps is not my idea of a fun evening.

Fun? Who promised you fun? We get paid, remember?

I'm saying, maybe we should vote on it.

Maybe we should ask Jack what he thinks.

I don't have to. I know what he thinks.

It's 5 days, the money's green. We're there.

Speaking about "Feelings", you might brush up on the lyrics.

The other night, you sang the first verse twice.


That explains the gasps I heard from the audience.

We trashed the Avedon, the Luau. What's your beef with "Feelings"?


Except, who cares?

Does anybody really need to hear "Feelings" again in a lifetime?

It's like parsley.

Take it away, nobody knows the difference.

"Feelings" isn't parsley.

To you, "Feelings" may be filet mignon.

To me, it's parsley. Less than parsley.

Look, "Feelings", despite what you think of it, is always a bright moment and a crowd-pleaser.

Consequently, we have an obligation to perform it.

The audience would be disappointed.

They weren't crying on New Year's Eve.

You passed over "Feelings"?



"Bali Hai" went out with the bath water, too.

I see.

The cat goes away and the mice take over the orchestra.

Hey, I ain't no mouse.

That's right. You're parsley.

This food's been sitting here too long. It's making me sick.

Why don't you loosen the leash?

Let's not let a whiff of perfume blow off 15 years. Be reasonable.

I play 300 nights a year with you. Is that reasonable enough?

Can I have a double vodka, please?

I was in the neighborhood.

Listen, don't get nervous. I just came by to...


I guess you found him, huh?


I came to walk Eddie.


Terry's Tap Room.

First gig we ever played.

The owner gave us that bottle, but wouldn't open it.

How come?

Told us to save it.

He said someday it would soften the edges of the bad times.

And make the good ones seem even better.

We should've drunk it before we played Terry's Tap Room.

Want some coffee?

You want to leave?


The reason I came last night is...

I'm thinking about leaving.

The act.

I met this guy at New Year's at the Hotel.

And he liked my voice.

He thinks I can sell cat food just by singing about it.

It's crazy, huh?

Take it.

I haven't decided yet. I'm just thinking about it.

No, take it.

How long have you been taking care of the kid upstairs?

I don't take care of her.

Didn't look that way to me.

What's the difference?

Anyway, I know Frank has us booked through March.

Don't worry about Frank.

What about you?

What's that to do with anything?

Nothing. I don't want to leave you guys with an empty mike.

There's always another girl.


Thanks for the advice.

I'll think it over.


Falling down on my face Trying to forget my Feelings of love

Feelings For all my life I'll feel it I wish I'd never met you, boy You'll never come again

I told Frank I'm quitting.


As of now.

If you need a recommendation, you let me know.

Jesus you're cold! You know that?

You are like a fucking razor blade.

Careful, you'll have me thinking you're going soft on me.

You don't give a fuck, do you? About anything.

What do you want from me? To tell you to stay?

Beg on my knees for you to save the Baker Boys from doom?

Forget it, sweetheart.

We survived for 15 years before you strutted on the scene.

Two seconds and you're bawling like a baby.

You should be wearing a diaper, not a dress.

You and he are brothers, aren't you?

Let me tell you something.

They've dropped like flies. We're still here!

We've never held a day job in our lives.

He's an easy target, but add it up, he's done fine.

Yeah, Frank has done great.

He has the wife, kids, little house in the suburbs.

While his brother lives a shitty apartment with a sick dog, Little Orphan Annie and a chip on his shoulder size of a Cadillac.

Listen, Princess. We fucked twice, that's it.

Once the sweat dries, you still know shit about me.

I know one thing. While Frank put his kids to bed, little brother Jack was dusting off his dreams.

I was there.

I saw it in your face.

You're full of shit. You're a fake.

Every time you walk in those places, you're selling yourself cheap.

I know all about that. I find myself at the end of the night with some creep, and I tell myself it doesn't matter.

You kid yourself you've got this empty place inside to put it.

But do it long enough and all you are is empty.

I didn't know whores were so philosophical.

At least my brother's not my pimp.

I had you pegged for a loser the first time I saw you.

But you're worse.

You're a coward.

My name is Frank Baker and you know my brother Jack.

My brother and I have been playing together for...

I don't know.


31 years.

But of course, back then... it was a little different.

We were just kids.

The only one who'd listen to us was the family cat, Cecil.

We must've shaved two lives off that cat, huh?


We're not getting paid then.

I told you, it's a telethon. No one gets a cent.

What's it for?

I don't know, some disease.

What channel is it on?


71? What is 71?

A channel, just a little further down the dial. It's publicity.

Publicity's publicity, right?


I'll see when we're on.

What's wrong with the kid.

Tore his knee playing St Joseph's just before the accident.


The fire.

Rate we're going, we'll be lucky to buy jockstraps, let alone a gym.

Earl the pearl!

We're on after Mr. Basketball.

Are you fucking kidding me? What?

We're playing for a God damn gymnasium.

Let's hear it for Jimmy Marshall.

Most of you know Jimmy twisted that knee trying to win one for good old Lahuga High this year.

Luckily, the doctors tell us that Jimmy will play next season.

That's where you come in. Pick up the phone. Make a donation.

Keep our kids off the street and into the gym.

All right!

Get your fucking hands off me.

We are pleased to have two of the most respected men in the musical entertainment field.

The Fabulous Bunker Boys!

Come on, you guys.

Nice suits, fellas.

A lot of amateur musicians will wanna rap with these guys, and as soon as they're finished, they'll be manning the phones.

All right.

What are we waiting for? Take it away, guys.

We know what that means. Time to turn the big board over.

I'm afraid you guys will have to wait a few minutes.


I don't know about you, but I sense electricity in the air.

Alright, what do you think?

Okay, let's do it.

Play some music!

Go fuck yourself, bud.

Who the hell do you think you are, Liberace?

Are you okay?

We just passed the car, Jack.

Where the hell are you going? You going to talk to me?

Or is this Jack's famous silent act?

It was for publicity, understand?

Publicity! Are you a fucking moron?

It's three in the morning. Who's watching, paper boys?

I didn't know when we were on till yesterday.

Basketballs. Okay.

You had us playing for basketballs.

I screwed up, but that you don't walk out on a gig.


It wasn't professional, Jack.

What's happened to you? Now you like kissing ass?

You let that guy turn us into clowns tonight.

We were always small time. We were never clowns.

What's happened to your dignity.

Who the hell are you to talk about dignity?

This where you get your dignity?

Let's do it straight for once.

I want to explain something to you, little brother.

There are people in this world who depend on me.

I got a wife and kids who expect to wake up with food on the table and heat in the house.

I got a mortgage. I got car payments.

And I got you, my little brother Jack.

He's so hip, so cool and sure that he's better than everyone.

Don't you think I'd like to walk up to one of those assholes and blow smoke in his face?

God damn right I would!

But I can't. I have to be responsible.

I have to make the numbers balance in my favor every month so everyone else can go on living their lives.

There's no medals but you'd notice if I closed up shop.

Don't talk to me about dignity. You're playing a weak hand.

Terrific! Walk away.

You're good at that, Jack.

You never commit to anything. Even a conversation.

Is that what that was?

Felt like a speech to me.

Next time, save it for the PTA.

You couldn't keep your cock in your pocket.

Who I fuck... and who I don't fuck is none of your fucking business.

It is when it effects my business.

Your business? Yeah.

It exists because of me.


I make the calendar. I pay the expenses.

Christ, I even make sure your shoes are shined.

What do you do?

You show up for a couple of hours a night and smoke cigarettes.

If somebody requested "Chopsticks" you'd ask for the sheet music.

If not for me, you'd be playing for dimes from the back of a truck.

Yeah, you're a real pro, Frank.

You did a bang up job:

You had them paying us not to play!

That's fucking genius.

Asshole, what are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

That is it!


Fucking little brother beat the shit out of you, huh?

Jack, my hand!

I'm through. I can't do it anymore.

Who can take the sunrise Sprinkle it with dew Toss it in the air And make a groovy lemon pie The candy man can You're one of those Fabulous guys.

I remember. I don't remember.

You can't kid me. I see you here every night.

That's why I took the job.

I come in, I see you and your brother's faces hanging there, I figured it was a sign.

Like destiny.

How are you doing, Monica?

Well, only it's Blanche here.

Don't touch that.

That's three hours cold.

I've been standing over here waiting for you to wake up.

Finally I figured maybe you had an appointment.

Here you go.

Boy, it's weird, huh?

You meet someone, think you'll never see them again...

Guess you got caught in the rain, huh?

Yeah, I got caught in the rain.

What time do you punch out?


What time do you punch out?

You're my last ticket.

Button up on the way home, Blanche.

It's cold out there.

Hi, Jack.

I took Eddie out.

Be sure to take that tux in. I can drop it off this afternoon.

Will you stop that, please?

Want me to make some coffee?

How about I make some eggs?

Knock if off with that thing.

You're driving me nuts.

Jack, you want eggs? Jack, you want coffee?

I can't baby-sit you every time your mama gets an itch.

What are you looking at?

You're having a bad day, right?


It's okay.

My mom had a lot of those. Sometimes that's why I came down.

What do you say... we go over to the Empire and grab a couple of Coneys?

I can't. I'm going to the zoo with Howard.


Mom says I can't call him Bigfoot anymore.

I think he's early.

Teach you later?

You gonna play "Jingle Bells" the rest of your life?

I have Tuesdays and Thursdays open.

They're yours if you want them.

Of days gone by

In my solitude

You taunt me Everything goes. That the idea? No...

I'm just getting too old for trophy dens.

Anyway, it's a good place for a workshop.


Yeah, workshop.

Hammers and saws and...

...things like that. Let's cut the bullshit.

You came here to talk business, right?

We'll put the other night behind us.

In a couple of weeks, it'll be the same. Now you can go.

I'm not coming back, Frank.

Then what's there to talk about?



It's not you, understand? It's me.

I sit in the fucking Hilton or the Sheraton practically every night of my life.

And the moment I get on stage, I can't wait for it to end.

We play the same songs the same way every night.

I just can't do it anymore.

I've been lying to myself long enough.

You see anything you want, take it.

Okay if I take this?

Come on, Frank. I'm trying.

How's your hand?

My hand is fine. Don't worry about me.

I don't need this any more than you.

I can make just as much teaching "Camptown Races" to snotty kids in the neighborhood.

Don't fool yourself.

Open it.

Open the fucking bottle.

Let's see what we got here.

We got the airport Ramada.

The Travel Lodge on 410.

And we got... the Mallory.

I'll take the Mallory.

Forget it. I want the Mallory. You take the Travel Lodge.

Not bad!

When was the last time we played the Mallory?

'78, November.

It was someone's birthday. Hallorin?

His daughter, sweet sixteen.

How could I forget?

What a nightmare.

She asked for it.

I told Howard we didn't do vocals and he said:

"What my Sissie wants, my Sissie gets".

She got it alright.

She comes on like a dream All peaches and cream Lips like strawberry wine She's 16 She's beautiful And she's mine You're all ribbons and curls Ooh, what a girl Eyes that sparkle and shine You're 16 You're beautiful And you're mine You're 16 You're beautiful And you're mine

You're risking your life.

You got a gun?

Car you're leaning on belongs to a light heavyweight with attitude.

I'll take my chances.

You look good.

You look like shit.

No, I mean it. You look good.

I mean it, too. You look like shit.

So how's the cat food business?

Terrific. I'm doing vegetables now.

What kind?

Carrots, peas.

None of the important ones.

You know... the other night...

I was out of line.

No, I was out of line.


I was kind of rough on Egghead.

It beats the hell out of me, but I kind of miss him.


he grows on you, after a while.

So, did you find another girl?

I didn't look.


I'm going to be late.

Peas, peas Try our peas Our peas are a delicacy.

From "Strangers in the Night" to that.

Funny world.

Well... bye, Baker.

Am I going to see you again?

What do you think?

Yeah, I think I am going to see you again.


Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm

My funny Valentine

Sweet comic Valentine

You make me smile With my heart

Hmm, hmm, hmm Your looks are laughable Unphotographable

But you're my favorite work of art Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm Is your figure less than Greek Is your mouth a little weak When you open it to speak Are you smart

Don't change a hair for me

Not if you care for me Stay, my funny Valentine Stay

Each day is Valentine's...