The Festival (2018) Script

Do You Know Me?

♪ If someone picks up then I'm still alone

♪ They're just another voice on a telephone

♪ I'm down, I'm broke, I'm tired

♪ I want something more

♪ So let me hear you say, oh

♪ You should know me

♪ You should know me by now

♪ Do you know me?

♪ Do you know me?

♪ Do you know me?

♪ Do you know me at all?

My Neck, My Back ♪ Lick it now, lick it good

♪ Lick this pussy just like you should

♪ Come on, right now, lick it good

♪ Lick this pussy just like you should

♪ My neck, my back

♪ My pussy and my crack What the hell is this music, Nick? Well, it's sexy.

No?

Don't worry. I can change it.

♪ Do it now, lick...

U Can't Touch This ♪ You can't touch this

♪ My-my-my-my music You can't touch this Harry darted behind the crumbling pillar...

I shouldn't have put it on shuffle. - ..where our wizards streaked past.

Why is that on shuffle?

Sorry, Nick. Can we focus?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Remember, don't come inside me.

What? Why not? I had to take a break from the pill.

The hormones were making my nipples hairy.

Oh, shit, yeah, of course.

So where should I come, then? I don't know. Wherever you want.

OK, like, your face? Obviously not.

No, sorry. We spoke about that. Just come anywhere.

Er.... Yep, what, so just literally anywhere?

Not on me!

♪ You can't touch this

♪ My-my-my-my You can't touch this Knock, knock. Who is it?

It's Shane.

Ah...

Oh.

Hey!

Today uni is officially over.

Came, saw, conquered.

Well, you got a third.

You ready? No, I'm scared.

Fear is just your body telling you not to do something dangerous.

Yeah, I know what fear is.

Come on, let's go. See you down there.

Bye. Bye.

Dude, you've got jizz on your gown.

Work ♪ Work-work-work-work That's hot.

I can't do it. I can't do it. No, keep going.

But my lips are gonna fall off.

♪ Put it in ♪ Work-work-work-work-work Breathe through it. Fuck off!

Breathe through it.

Finish up. We'll go meet the others.

You mean Caitlin and her friends? They're our friends too.

They are. Hm-mm.

Rex got us tickets to that festival.

Why would he if we weren't friends? Not sure.

They're nice to you cos you go out with Caitlin.

I... I guess for me a real friend is someone who'd help you dispose of a body.

I would not help you dispose of a body. I'm not encouraging you to kill anyone.

I'm just saying when it happens, I'll help you dismember the corpse.

Thank you. That will be nice. You're welcome.

It'll be a nice day, two mates together, chopping up a murder victim.

Ooh... I can feel it in my balls.

Come on. We've gotta get through this. OK.

Work

♪ You got it? Can we get some milk, please?

♪ Tables turnin' to a situation

♪ Now you standin' in my face and you been patiently waitin'

♪ I'm rollin' over words, forget the conversation

♪ Thinkin' maybe we can make a combination

♪ Wanna see me lose my breath and wanna hear me moan

♪ Better be ready, we'll enable when we get alone

♪ You was talkin' confident up on the telephone

♪ So you gotta put it in when we get it on Here they are, Bert and Ernie. Hi, guys.

Blimey, chaps. You're a bit sweaty.

Been playing soggy biscuit or something?

We ate some very hot chicken and now it's a bit hard to see.

Listen, Rex, thanks for sorting us the festival tickets.

It's no problem. I like to help those less fortunate than myself.

I mean, we did pay for them.

Oh, hi. I don't think we've met. I'm Lucy.

Yeah, I know. We met before. Loads of times.

I'm friends with Nick and Caitlin. My name's Shane.

Are you sure?

Am I sure I'm friends with Nick and Caitlin or am I sure my name's Shane?

Both.

You all right, Gordy?

Oh, Gordy's taken some pretty strong drugs and he's gone mute.

Still a bloody legend, though. Who wants to have a drink?

Oh, we should go and find our parents but we'll see you after?

Not if I can help it.

I don't recognise half these people.

Look at that dude in the dreadlocks.

Why did we never make friends with him? Say "fromage".

Oh, look. There's Robin.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Wow, wow.

You look great, Shane.

Hi, Nick.

So, are you boys ready to create some memories today?

Where's Mum? Saving us a spot down the front.

Wanna get some good snaps.

You really didn't have to come. Hey, don't mention it.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world, Shane.

Every morning I wake up next to your mum...

Oh, my... ..bursting...

..bursting with pride for you.

Oh. Sorry.

I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry.

Oh, nice try, Robin, you big dingbat.

I just can't believe the amazing man that you've grown into.

Oh, mate, you've been going out with my mum for about a year.

I know. It's been the best year of my life.

Robin, so sorry. I've gotta go and meet my mum and Caitlin.

See you later. See you.

That's right, Shane, just let it out.

Darling, I'm sorry I'm late. Hi, Mum.

Caitlin, you look beautiful.

Thanks, Vivian.

Right, one quick snap of the happy couple.

OK.

Nicky, you've got toothpaste on your gown.

No. Let...

Don't. Nicky.

Seriously. Nicky!

Hm.

Right.

Won't be able to remember the blooming PIN now.

But it will be good to have some photos of graduation, put them up when we move in together.

Right, yeah, when we move in together.

Hey, can't wait to eat breakfast together in our matching bathrobes.

Yeah.

Wait. Why are we laughing?

Oh, my God. You're not joking.

Well, it just makes sense, right?

Get a nice one bed, maybe get a cat?

What? Nothing.

No, come on, what is it?

It's just...

I guess I kind of assumed that we'd... you know, break up.

Why would we do that? It's just what uni couples do, isn't it?

You get out of the bubble and you realise it was never gonna work.

My sister and her ex went out for the whole of uni and then broke up.

Cos she woke up one night and he was wanking over Korean cartoon porn.

Nick, stop being a dick.

I'm being... a dick?

You're the one breaking up with me at graduation.

I'm not breaking up with you.

I'm saying I think I might break up with you in a few months.

It's like saying "I'm not murdering you.

I'm gonna gradually expose you to dangerous amounts of polonium."

I'm a relationship Litvinenko.

I'm a dead man walking. Nick...

Dead man! We got a dead man walking.

I can't deal with you when you're like this.

Like what? Just uptight and self-centred.

And making everything all about Nick, like you always do.

I'm done.

Right... I'm ready.

Oh, no, that's just a close-up of my face.

Leo Pandara.

Nishant Patel.

Shane.

Ben Proctor. Robin, go back to your seat.

Shane Simpson.

Gordon Symonds.

Nick Taylor.

Sandeep Tulwar.

Angela Queiroz. Sorry, Sandeep.

Um, sorry, everyone. There's something I wanna say.

Erm...

Caitlin...

I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened earlier, but... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for us to fight and I don't want us to break up.

I love you and I know you love me too, so can we just forget what happened, whatever it was, please?

No, Nick. Aw...

No?

No, I don't want to get back together.

Especially not like this.

But we're meant to be together... and grow old together.

We lost our virginities to each other. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

I guess not. I guess I'm just a fucking idiot.

Actually, no, I'm not an idiot.

You're just a heartless monster.

You're mean. You are mean.

And you're spindly.

And... And guess what?

I don't wanna get back together with you. Good riddance.

That's not true. I didn't mean that, Caitlin. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Please take me back?

Caitlin, please? Caitlin?

Hm? Please? Caitlin?

Caitlin? Please? Caitlin? Caitlin?

Caitlin, I didn't mean that. Caitlin...

I'm gonna be sick.

Caitlin, come on.

Yeah? Please.

Please. Please.

Sabina Underby.

Miguel Uppingham.

Come on. Let's go.

Shane, no. I'm OK. Michael Upton.

Shane, I'm OK. Psst. Shane.

Robin, why would you wanna take a photo of this?

Joanna Wilson.

Styggo

You were almost sick.

♪ Crimson and clover are taking on over

♪ Minute by minute

♪ I can save but I won't stop

♪ Tripping about everything that I shoulder

♪ Heigh ho, some things you gotta get over Knock, knock. Who is it? It's Shane.

Ha.

Up, up.

Time to go mad in a field. Shane, I'm not coming.

Right. What you gonna do instead? Stay here and eat more chicken?

Shane, you don't understand.

When you break up with a long-term partner, you can't just carry on like everything's normal.

Right, here are three very good reasons why you're coming.

One: we've already paid for our tickets and they were expensive.

Two: I'm not going to the festival on my own like some friendless weirdo.

And three: what's this?

What is it?

It's an orange juice bottle filled with my urine.

Yes, it is. You're turning into a psychopath.

You've got to get out of here before you start pooing in your socks.

But what if I bump into Caitlin?

It'll be so embarrassing. I haven't seen her since...

Your mental breakdown. Graduation.

Dude, there are a hundred thousand people there.

The chances of bumping into her are a million to one.

Fine. This is gonna be great.

Robin's outside. He's gonna drive us to the station.

You owe me for this.

The reason you want to go is to see that twat in a mask.

Erm, DJ Hammerhead is not a twat in a mask.

I mean, he wears a mask, but he's not a twat.

He deejays all over the world.

He's worth 55 million pounds.

People love him.

He's slept with Bella and Gigi Hadid.

Plus a secret third sister who's even fitter.

He's my hero. He inspired my latest track. I can play it for you while you pack.

Please don't. I really hate your music.

Can you believe it took me five minutes to write?

Yes.

I love you, but can you turn this off?

Wait for the drop.

Just three more minutes.

Oh, my God.

♪ Well, it's the same room but everything's different

♪ You can find the sleep but not the dream

♪ Things ain't cooking in my kitchen

♪ Strange affliction Robin.

♪ Wash over me Robin.

♪ Julius Caesar, ah...

Robin. Oh.

Robin.

Sorry about that, boys.

There's nothing like a dose of Crowded House to really nourish the soul, huh?

That's my kind of house music.

Can you open the boot for us, please? Oh, sure thing, son.

Don't call me that.

There you go.

God, I wish I was going with you guys.

I used to be a real festival head in my roaring twenties.

One word of advice, though.

Shane, I know you're circumcised. Robin.

I remember from the pool. But, Nick, how about you?

Have you still got the old, erm, boatman's hood?

You know, the boatman's hood? What we call the boatman's hood.

The boatman's hood. It's what we call the foreskin.

Pretty sure no-one calls it that. The golden rule of festivals is to wash that bugger at least three times a day, OK?

You can remind him, Shane.

Once at a festival in Denmark, a friend of mine let the smegma build up.

Even though we warned him. We could smell it in the tent.

He got septicaemia, and to stop it from spreading, they had to remove his whole penis.

Imagine that, just this bloody stump where your... willy used to be.

Hm.

Yeah.

Anyway, let's hit the road.

Foreskin, wash it.

♪ Whenever I fall

♪ At your feet

♪ You let your tears

♪ Rain down on me

♪ Whenever I touch

♪ Your slowly turning pain

Excuse us.

Right, this is me.

And you're down there.

We're not together? No, sorry. It was last minute.

This was all they had. Oh.

Wait a minute. Is this a child's ticket? Yes.

Why did you get us children's tickets? Oh, it's way cheaper.

Yeah, cos they're for fucking children.

What if we get stopped by a ticket inspector?

Ticket inspector? Ticket inspector?

You've been watching way too much Miss Marple.

It's all robots now.

Hi.

Hey, pal. Headed to the festival?

Yep. Me too.

I'm Amy. I'm Nick.

Awesome name. You travelling on your own?

No, my friend's sitting up there. Nice.

I'm flying solo. Just a great way to meet people, you know?

You're never alone at a festival.

You been before?

No, er, first time.

Oh. A newbie. I love it.

It's my ninth year in a row. Congrats.

Nine years ago, did it. Eight years ago, did it.

Seven years ago, nearly didn't make it because I lost my ticket, but luckily I met a Welsh Rastafarian who showed me a way to break in and also how to make jerk rarebit.

Six years ago, best year yet.

There was this amazing halloumi tent.

It wasn't a tent made of halloumi, but it was just the tent...

I might just listen to some music.

Cool, cool.

What are you listening to?

All right, tickets, please.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Shit. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Anyway, according to my mum, my first words as a baby were "Serena Williams", which is weird because she wouldn't have been famous at that point.

Hey, dude. Oh, thank God.

OK, slight issue.

Turns out there is in fact a ticket inspector on the train.

What? I told you. No, it's fine. I've thought about it.

When he comes to check our tickets, we just pretend to be kids.

Pretend to be kids? Yeah. You know, talk about Minecraft and not having pubes yet.

Are you guys travelling on kids' tickets?

Yeah.

Me too. It's so much cheaper. That's what I said.

Hi. I'm Amy. I'm Shane.

Nice to meet you, Shane. I assume you're a fellow festival freak?

You know it. Guys.

What are we gonna do?

Relax, Nick. I do this all the time.

I have a plan.

So what's the plan? This. This is the plan.

Standing in a toilet?

Yeah. That's not a plan.

We're in the exact same situation, except now there's a strong whiff of piss.

What do we do if he finds us? Easy.

Just pretend we're doing something really private, like having sex.

There's three of us. Pretend we're having a threesome.

Well, how is that any better?

We'll just be fare dodgers who are having an orgy.

No, I like this plan. Oh, this is stupid. I'm getting out.

Tickets, please. Oh, shit.

Open up, please. Ooh, yeah!

Oh, my God!

What the fuck are you doing? Stop it.

I'm having sex.

Ooh.

Why are you doing it as well?

Open the door. Oh, my God, that feels...

Shut up. ..so good in my vagina.

Oh, thank you!

I don't know what to say.

Just think of what you've seen on TV. Now I'm panicking.

I wanna put it in your proving drawer.

Ooh, turn up the heat. Don't let it sink.

Open the door.

You are so much better at this than my husband.

I think I'm gonna pass out.

Christ, it's too tight in here! That's good.

Let it rise. Oh. Oh, yeah....

Oh, that's happening.

That's sex for you...

Oh, well. Looks like we'll have to use the old foot-mobiles.

Ooh. I can tell you guys about the time I got trapped inside a grandfather clock.

At first it wasn't too bad because it was the middle of the night...

I really liked him and his brothers, but then I found out he wasn't a sushi chef, he just always wore white and had a load of knives on him.

So my dad was, like, "There's no money in ventriloquism."

And I was, like, "I'll show you!"

But it turned out he was totally right.

I'm thinking of becoming an architect, but an untrained architect.

Then I started a dating website for dogs, but that didn't really work out because dogs don't wanna go on dates because they don't know what they are.

My sister said to me, "Amy, I need you to sell every single piece of furniture in my house today."

And I was, like, "Everything? Even Gary's desk?

Even Gary's dresser?"

But that was before I trained to be an auctioneer.

She's been talking for three hours.

I know. She's so interesting.

Here we are.

Isn't she gorgeous?

Whoa.

Come on!

Come on.

Yeah!

Yeah!

It's a bit further than I remember.

Yeah!

Yellow Sun

♪ Dancing on the yellow yellow yellow yellow yellow yellow sun

♪ Dancing on the yellow yellow yellow yellow sun

♪ Like I'm dancing on the yellow yellow yellow yellow yellow yellow sun

♪ Dancing on the yellow yellow, dancing on the yellow sun


Breathe it in, boys.

It literally stinks of shit.

Everything smells of shit. Exactly.

Amy, where can you, like, see the acts? On the stages.

I mean when they're not performing. Oh, er, backstage, I guess. Why?

I wanna try and meet Hammerhead. He's great.

I wanna get a selfie playing my tunes, maybe convince him to legally adopt me.

Well, the best way to get backstage is to either be a famous person or to be willing to let a famous person put their genitals in your mouth.

Sounds fair. What do you reckon?

I'm not sucking off James Corden just to get backstage.

OK, let's play a game.

Which celeb would you suck off to get backstage?

Fun.

Michael Fassbender?

No. Definitely. Next.

Forest Whitaker? I said no to Michael Fassbender.

Why would I say yes to Forest Whitaker?

Harry Potter! What?

Harry Potter! I don't look anything like him.

Harry Potter!

Jesus Christ.

Is it gonna be three days of this? Classic.

OK, let's go pitch our tents.

My usual spot's up that way.

It's right by the main path and the biggest toilets.

Awesome.

I think Shane and I already have a spot in mind is the thing.

Do we? Yeah. Remember?

I read about it on that camping blog.

No worries. Great getting to know you guys.

Good luck meeting Hammerhead. Hope he likes your tunes.

Bye.

Where's the spot? I made it up to get rid of her.

Why don't you wanna camp with her? She's cool.

She's clearly mental. She's not mental. She's just Australian.

I will find us the perfect spot.

It's gonna be perfect.

♪ Blaze up me fire, blaze it till the morning

♪ Blaze up me fire, blaze it till the morning

♪ Blaze up me fire, blaze it till the morning

♪ Blaze up me fire

♪ Some of dem evil from dem christen...

This is insane. There's nowhere left to camp.

When you buy a ticket, you should be given an allotted space with specific GPS coordinates. That sounds fun.

Could have gone with Amy.

Oi, fellas!

Oh, fuck. It's Rex.

What do we do? Er... Just wave.

Maybe we should go over and say hi. No, he'll be with Caitlin.

Yeah, but we have to do something.

I don't think we can spend the whole festival just waving at him.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Ah... Come on.

Boys. Long time no see. How's shiz?

Not bad. Buzzing to be here.

Nice, nice.

Nick, I've gotta say, it's great to see you up and about after that little spaz-out at graduation.

Er... Thanks. Seriously.

If that was me, I'd call it quits and disappear.

I'd, like, grow a tash, move to Belgium, open up a fucking waffle house.

But you're not afraid to show your face in public. Total respect.

Where are you camping? We haven't found anywhere yet.

The only space was next to a guy who dug a toilet with his hands.

Why don't you camp here? Oh, er... I don't know.

Don't be silly. There's loads of room.

This is primo real estate.

OK, thanks. Hey, no problemo, hombre.

Drop your bags here.

The others are all chilling inside.

Shoes off.

Oh. Yep.

Sorry.

Come on in.

Rex, this tent is amazing.

Holy shit. Is that a wine fridge?

All right, lads? Hey, Gordy.

Hi, Lucy. Oh, hi.

I'm Lucy. Nice to meet you.

What the fuck? I know.

We've met so many times.

No, I don't think so.

I'm really good with faces. My face hasn't changed.

Right, here's the drug sitch.

You hid drugs in a teddy bear?

Mate, I'm fully kitted out.

I'm like the James Bond of getting off your nut.

We're talking ketamine in the bog roll, downers in the Right Guard, uppers in the maracas.

Coke in Mr Teddy.

Don't start without me.

Oh, my God. Nick, hi.

Hello, Caitlin. How are you?

Good, thanks. How are you? Good, thanks. How are you?

Good, thanks. Good, thanks.

How are you?

Wow, this is not fun.

Nothing a few lines won't fix.


Whoa. I kind of assumed it would be, like, one line each.

One line of coke each? What is this, Midnight Mass?

Don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from.

Hang on.

I don't think that was coke.

I got my stashes mixed up.

That was all ketamine.

That's, like, the third time this year. I've gotta get a fucking pen.

Right, gang, that's the weekend over for me.

I'm gonna head to my tent, put on some Norah Jones and ride this one out.

Enjoy the festival.

Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't bleach my bumhole to sit around watching Gordy OD.

Let's get out there. That's a good idea.

Caitlin, do you think we can have a quick chat?

Sure. What's up? I, erm... I like the new hair.

Thanks. Yeah, thought I'd mix it up a bit.

Not sure it totally worked. No, it's good.

Erm... What colour is that?

Blonde. Yeah, no, I just...

Sometimes they have funny names. Like, erm, Concrete Grey or Yellow...

Yellow.

I just wanted to say I hope it is OK if we camp with you guys.

No, yeah, definitely. Cool.

It's so great that even after the break-up we can still be friends.

So great. We don't have to be one of those terrible couples who break up and turn into monsters.

God, no. That's not us.

We can have fun this weekend, just mates.

Yeah, friends.

Hey, do you wanna see something weird?

Yes. Brace yourself.

What is it?

It's Rex's sex box.

Check out the pink thing.

Look at all this different stuff.

Peach lube and flavoured condoms?

How disgusting must his dick taste?

Caitlin, come on, let's go.

Sorry.

You coming? I'm gonna put up my tent.

But see you guys out there? Cool. See you in a bit.

Oh. And I know it's tempting but try not to lick the sex egg.

I think this weekend's gonna be really fun.

You know, the sun's out, the old gang are back together.

Me and Caitlin are getting on well. Good to hear.

Yeah. Yeah. Just joking around, having fun.

And who knows? One thing leads to another, we...

I don't know. I'm not saying we get back together.

Did something happen? No. We were just having a laugh.

I'm not saying we'll get back together. OK, cool.

I'm just saying, you know, one thing leads to another, maybe we do get back together.

Wanna get back with her? I'm not saying that.

Sounds like you are saying that. Getting back with an ex is never a good idea.

It's like when you try to use the same piece of toilet paper to wipe your arse.

You fold it over, pretending it isn't already covered in crap, but before you know it there's... there's shit all over your fingers, and you're trying to turn the tap on with your elbows, and your mum's going mad. She wants to use the toilet.

What are you talking about?

Please don't make this whole weekend about you and Caitlin.

We came here to have fun. I am having fun.

Good.

Done. Yeah.

Looking good. Yeah.

All right, let's do yours.

My what? Your tent.

No, I didn't bring a tent.

What? Where are you gonna sleep?

In there, with you.

No, Shane, it's barely big enough for me.

Don't worry, I'm a small sleeper.

What? Shane...

It's so spacious.

TCR

♪ TCR

♪ Total Control Racing

♪ TCR Hi, guys. Good news.

We checked on Gordy and he is definitely still breathing.

Cool. We're gonna get a couple more drinks here and then go check out this Congolese rapper, Yung Boner.

He used to be a child soldier and then he gave up a full scholarship to Yale to focus on rapping.

Lucy, by the way.

Rex? Rex! Oh, fuck me.

The Pirate! Hey, hey! Oh, my gosh.

I didn't know you were gonna be here, you fucking dickweed.

Good to see you, man. Last I heard, you were in prison in Honduras.

No, no, I just made that up to get out of a Wonga debt.

Look. I'm working here. PR, security, band liaison.

I'm basically, like, the go-to guy for all the artists.

You know, I mean, it's no big deal. Sweet.

Guys, this is The Pirate.

Pirate, these are my uni pals.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

Pirate.

Pirate. Yeah.

Pirate. Nick.

Lick. Your name's fucking Lick?

No, no. Nick. Lick's not a name. Right.

I was wondering why Rex has a buddy named Lick.

My name's not Lick.

Can you imagine going up for a job interview and like, being, like, "What's your name, son?" "Lick." "Lick?"

You've literally just made this up.

We're gonna go and check out Yung Boner in a bit.

Absolutely. I love that guy. I'll see you there.

I gotta get some factor 50 for Thom Yorke.

That guy does not do well in the sun.

Great meeting you guys.

Lick.

Hilarious. Hilarious.

Who the hell calls themselves The Pirate?

What, does he have a parrot and a boat and only one leg?

He does actually only have one leg, yeah.

He was in a car accident when he was five. They had to amputate below the knee.

Oh, my God. Poor guy.

That is obviously just so sad and... and tragic.

But, I mean, there really is no way I could have known that.

Like, The Rock isn't called The Rock cos his dad was crushed by a boulder.

Well, who's the other one? The Edge.

He's not called the Edge cos he nearly fell off a cliff.

A lot of people have nicknames.

You don't immediately think, "Oh, what's the injury?"

Shall we get that drink?

Yeah, get a... a drink.

Guys. Guys.

Hey. What are you douchebags doing all the way in the back?

Let's get down to the front.

No, it's much better back here. And the view's actually pretty good.

The view? The view?

All right, Mister Turner, you stay here and do your watercolours.

I'm gonna go down front and feel the full force of his beats.

Now, who's with me? Yeah, I'll come.

Yes. Woo! Woo!

What, you're going too?

What? It looks kind of fun down there.

Crowds are not fun.

Claustrophobia is not fun.

Feeling like you're fleeing a genocide is not fun.

No, you're right. Let's, let's just stay here.

Just go. Thank you.

Enjoying the festival?

It's my ninth year. I'm travelling solo.

Such a great way to meet new people.

I think it's free.

Ah, you go ahead. I don't need the toilet. I'm just hanging.

Enjoying the festival?

It's my ninth year.

I'm travelling solo. Such a great way to meet new people.

Enjoying the festival?

Sorry, mate.

Can we stand where you're standing? Excuse me?

Me and me mates. We just want to stand where you are.

OK, but... right here?

There's so much space.

Come on, mate, don't be difficult.

How am I being difficult? I'm just standing here.

Yeah, but we want to stand there. Let him stand there.

What? Who the fuck are you?

Oi. Don't swear at him.

You're ruining it for everyone.

Just move, mate.

Yeah, go on. Piss off!

What is happening?

What's happening?

Fine, fine. I'm going, I'm going.

See you, then. Dickhead.

Thank you, thank you.

Nick. Dude.

You're even further back? Wow.

Yeah, well, it was great, actually.

Had a lot of personal space, a panoramic view.

Saw the drummer really well.

Fuck. I think I've lost my phone.

Oh, my God. Are you sure?

Shit. I can't believe I've lost it on the first day. I'm an idiot.

Oh, hey, everything'll be fine.

It's just a phone. It's only a few bits of plastic glued together.

There's a bit more to it than that.

We're at a festival, right?

So just think of it as a way to get into the communal spirit of things.

You know what? I'm jealous.

I think the whole weekend'll be better without one of these anyways.

Oh, shit.

See that? No phone and I'm still alive.

Oh, my God.

You didn't have to do that, but thanks. I think that hit someone.

Now, who's gonna buy these two phoneless freaks a drink?

Good idea.

Of course he's gonna tell Caitlin it's fine.

I mean, after you've lost a leg, I'm sure a phone's nothing.

You're annoyed cos he calls you Lick. It's not even a name!

Look, I think I'm gonna try and find Caitlin's phone.

Oh, my God, you are trying to get back with her.

No.

You saw how upset she was.

Dude, just leave it. Let's get drunk and do literally anything else.

Trust me.

You've gotta trust me.

Because I know what I'm doing.

OK, that was Yung Boner.

Give it up for Yung Boner.

Just to let you know, the food trucks have opened up back there.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

We've got the next band coming on.

Two young ladies from Silver Lake in Los Angeles.

Are you ready?

Give it up for Deap Vally!

Phone.

Do you mind if I...? I'm just gonna...

I'm sorry.

Can I just get that? Can I get it?

Can I get...? There's a...

See it.

Yes!

Eugh!

What the fuck? You're pissing.

Yeah.

Why are you pissing? You just pissed on me.

It's the front, mate.

I mean, you're still pissing?

Yeah.

Fuck me. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Hammerhead is literally the most in-demand DJ in the world.

You know he played at Robert Mugabe's 90th?

It looks like Caitlin's finally gonna end her dry spell.

What? Look at her.

She's so obviously into The Pirate.

She's picked a good 'un. Between us, he's got a big old cock.

He calls it the plank, but we used to call it his second leg.

Oh, man, Nick'll be gutted.

Why? It's been ages since they broke up.

Plus they're not exactly well suited.

Caitlin's, like, fun and, like, cool, and Nick's just so...

Nickish. Yeah, Nickish, exactly.

What do you mean? It's hard to explain.

It's just when he's around, stuff is kind of much less fun.

Yeah, first time I met him, I told him about my gap year in Australia and he kept talking about Aboriginal discrimination.

Like, bloody hell, just because some convicts massacred a bunch of tribes, suddenly I can't go skydiving.

Hello.

Guys, good news.

Gordy?

You all right?

You shaved your head.

All right? I said I'm...

Gordy, do you know where Caitlin and the others are?

It's just, er...

Caitlin lost her phone and I went to look for it, as a friend, obviously, erm... and I wanna return it to her, so should I wait in there till they get back?

Yeah, good idea. I'll just wait in there.

You cool there, mate?

Yeah. Well, look, let me know if you need anything.

OK, so I hope one of you guys is gonna give me an appreciative rim job.

Pirate just got us VIP wristbands.

Check 'em out. These bad boys'll get you backstage.

I don't mean to blow my own massive dick or anything but I am in pretty tight with all the acts, so if you play your cards right, I might even introduce you.

Holy shit. I'm gonna meet Hammerhead.

Yeah, see, the thing is, I could only get three wristbands, so...

You understand, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's fine.

Sorry... mate.

You don't remember my name, do you?

I wanna say Dougie.

"Nick, what are you doing in here?" I found your phone.

"Oh, my God, Nick, you're incredible."

Incredible is a strong word, Caitlin, but, yeah, I'll take it.

"Oh, kiss me."

What? But, Caitlin, we're broken up.

"I don't care. I want you inside me."

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Do you smell piss? Who cares?

Mm. Let me get this off.


Six years ago, did it.

Five years ago, did it.

Four years ago, did it.

Three years ago, did it.

Two years ago, did it.

One year ago, did it.

You guys look like you're having great fun.

I'm Amy, by the way.

Oh, Caitlin. Oh, Pirate.

Oh, Caitlin. Oh, Pirate.

Oh, Caitlin. Oh, Pirate.

You wanna walk the plank, you naughty girl?

Yeah, I wanna walk the plank.

Yeah? Yeah? OK.

You need to walk the plank.

Here we go.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, shit! Sorry...

Lick! Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It isn't that bad.

It was a misunderstanding.

It must happen all the time.

Yeah. She's probably really happy you gave her phone back.

Exactly. Guys?

Listen, guys...

Fuck me, what's that smell?

Oh. A man pissed on me earlier.

Can you just come out here, please?

So, we were having a chat and we were thinking maybe you guys shouldn't stay here any more.

What? We're not sex offenders.

Nick, it's been decided.

Oh, it's been decided, has it? Sorry, we actually live in a democracy.

We didn't fight Hitler so that people like you could go around just telling other people where they can be at festivals.

We should at least have a vote.

Fine, we'll vote. Fine.

Those in favour of us staying.

Those in favour of them leaving.

What about Gordy? Gordy hasn't voted. Gordy gets a vote.

Gordy, do you want me and Shane to stay?

If you do, raise your hand.

There you go. Three all. Unlucky, Rex.

What about me? I didn't get to vote. You're not part of the group.

He's having sex with Caitlin. He's part of the group.

"He's having sex with Caitlin." Fine, new vote.

Is Pirate part of the group?

If you think he is, raise your hand.

One, two, three. That's a tie.

Oh, Gordy, for fuck's sake!

2AM

♪ Can't remember anything else

♪ Nothing good happens past 2am There's somewhere to camp just past here.

No, this way.

♪ Text me back I think it was this way.

I definitely saw a space down here.

Bet you're glad now we've only got one tent. Less to carry.

Please stop talking. Just saying.

Cos we've been walking for a long time and...

Just no talking at all.

♪ Nothing good happens past 2am

It's so hot in here.

How did it get so hot?

My balls are sopping wet.

I feel like it's brighter in here than it is just outside.

This is a nice spot.

Oh, my giddy God! Shane!

Nick!

What are you guys doing here?

There's nowhere else left to camp. Nick got caught watching his ex suck off a guy with one leg. Ah, rookie mistake.

I can't believe it. The train gang are back together.

I'm gonna show you guys the best time.

What shall we do first? Well, I stink of piss.

I should probably do something about that.

What about you, Shane? Gonna scrub up?

No.

Au naturel. I like it.

Embracing the stink is what festivals are all about.

Before we head off, we should probably get some breakfast.

Is that all you're having?

Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Got almonds in it. It's something.

Shane, you can't just eat Toblerone like some weirdo autistic prince.

Here, have some proper food.

What the hell is that? Chaffney.

Chaffney? It's a family recipe.

Chaffney is a delicious all-in-one stew jam-packed with every nutrient you need to survive.

One bite of Chaffney will keep you going for hours.

Chaffney is the perfect festival food.

That is incredible. Told you.

Dude, Amy's sorted us breakfast.

Get some of this down you. Then we'll get this show on the road.

I'll buy something. Suit yourself.

While we're out and about, you can spend £20 on some fancy burger that's probably full of horsemeat, Shane and I will fill up on Chaffney.

Full disclosure: there is horsemeat in Chaffney.

Let's get ready.

Mr Brightside

♪ Coming out of my cage

♪ And I've been doing just fine

♪ Gotta gotta be down

♪ Because I want it all

♪ It started out with a kiss

♪ How did it end up like this?

♪ It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

♪ Now I'm falling asleep

♪ And she's calling a cab

♪ While he's having a smoke

♪ And she's taking a drag

♪ Now they're going to bed

♪ And my stomach is sick

♪ And it's all in my head

♪ But she's touching his chest now

♪ He takes off her dress now

♪ Letting me go

♪ And I just can't look, it's killing me

♪ And taking control

♪ Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

♪ Swimming through sick lullabies

♪ Choking on your alibis

♪ But it's just the price I pay

♪ Destiny is calling me

♪ Open up my eager eyes

♪ Cos I'm Mr Brightside

You know, this place is even better when you're not on your own.

Thanks for showing us around, Amy.

It's been the best day since Robin broke both his ankles.

I haven't sat down in, like, nine hours.

They should have more places to sit down.

And also it's too muddy.

Oh, shit.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Hi.

Listen, I know things got a little bit weird last night after what you guys did, but it's water under the bridge.

I didn't do anything. Apology accepted.

To be honest, we've had a great day.

You know me, just going with the flow.

We found a great new place to camp next to the toilets.

I've had a wash. I don't smell of piss any more. Not very much.

Basically it's all chill.

Harry Potter!

Harry Potter! Hey, who's your buddy, Lick?

Oh, I don't know him, but he's funny.

All right, mate? Harry Potter!

Harry Potter. I mean, I do not look like Harry Potter at all.

Oh...

One person I do not look like is Harry Potter.

Come on, Harry, let's play Quidditch.

Yeah! Oh.

That's not how you play Quidditch.

What have you been watching? Fucking hell.

Can someone get him off? Oh, shit.

Help. Can someone get him off?

Harry, go on. Catch this.

Can someone get him off? He's mental. Harry Potter!

Oh, my God. Indian street food. It's Harry Potter.

Yeah. I know. Harry Potter.

Nick. Nick.

It's just mud, with a bit of shit mixed in.

Guys, seriously, I'm through.

The only person who will ever love me and her new fuck buddy just watched me drink mud.

I am done.

I just want to go back to the tent and hide there until this fucking festival is over and I can go home and have a proper shower and a poo.

Nick.

Shall we go with him? Nah, he's all right.

He gets like this. The trick is to give him some space.

In that case, do you wanna do something cool?

Yes.

In the woods behind the hippie field there's a stone circle with a rock that looks just like Mark Ruffalo.

I've always been too spooked to go by myself.

Do you wanna go check it out? Yes, I love rocks that look like things.

♪ Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now

♪ I been feeling it since 1966, now

♪ Might have had your fill, but you feel it still...

And that's why I left Australia at 16 with nothing but a backpack and my grandad's World War II revolver.

Obviously they took that off me at Customs.

How do you know Nick?

We lived next door to each other in first year.

I was cooking pasta and I set my curtains on fire and Nick came in and helped me put them out, and he's been looking out for me ever since.

What are your friends like? I don't really have any.

People tend to hang out with me for a bit and then, I don't know, stop.

My mum says I'm like a little bush fire: exciting at first but you don't want it anywhere near your house.

Can I ask you a question? Sure thing.

Are we lost? No, no, no, no.

Because that was East, so we're headed West, because that's the North Star up...

That's the moon. Yeah, we're lost.

Ah-oo-wen, ah-oo-wen...

Hey, can you hear that?

Yeah.

Ah-oo-wen, ah-oo-wen...

Ah-oo-wen, ah-oo-wen...

Ah-oo-wen, ah-oo-wen...

What is that?

Maybe they're filming an advert.

For what?

Fire?

This is creeping me out. I think we should leave.

Who dares enter our sacred grove?

Please don't eat us. I know I look athletic but it's all fat.

Why do people always assume we're going to eat them?

We're Druids, not cannibals.

Whoa. You guys are Druids?

I'm Brother Julian, High Priest of this sect.

I'm really sorry if we scared you.

We thought you might be a couple of those Wiccan pricks.

You've stumbled upon our annual summer solstice celebration.

But this year is extra special.

My son David is taking a bride.

Oh, congrats. We'll get out of your hair.

Yeah, we don't wanna crash. No, no. This is a joyous occasion.

As father of the groom, it's my duty to invite you to join in our festivities.

Oh, well...

There's a hog roast. That could actually be great.

We haven't had any hot food. Pork would be nice.

Libations for our guests.

Plastic cups OK?

Aagh!

Shit. Argh.

Shit. Are you OK?

The security prick's chasing me.

You've got to hide me. Er... You can hide in my tent.

Great. Thanks.

Hello, Officer.

What a fine summer's eve it is.

Coast is clear.

What was that "summer's eve" shit?

I panicked. Why was he chasing you?

Caught me stealing fruit from Tame Impala's yurt.

Just had to get me bowels moving.

You're a Smurf. Yeah, hen do. We've all come as Smurfs.

Got split up a couple of hours ago when I went out on the rob.

If I see loads of Smurfs, I'll say you're looking for them.

Don't bother. I've got all the MDMA, so it's actually worked out really well.

Hey, I totally owe you.

Do you fancy a bit? Oh, no, thanks.

I'm... full. Full?

Also I'm not really in the mood. Huh!

That's exactly why this stuff was invented. Come on. It'll be fun.

Are you sure it's safe? Oh, don't worry.

My girlfriend's had them tested. There's no cement mix in these ones.

I don't know. Maybe just start with a half?

Come on. Open wide.

Good boy.

I'm not gonna imagine my dick's a sausage and start trying to fry it, am I?

Guess we'll find out.

Mr Brightside

♪ I just can't look

♪ It's killing me

♪ And taking control

♪ But it's just the price I pay

♪ Destiny is calling me

♪ Open up my eager eyes

♪ Cos I'm Mr Brightside

Brother Shane, Sister Amy.

I do trust you're enjoying yourselves.

Would you care for another cup of Pimm's?

Oh, I don't mind if I do. Thank you.

Ah, I'd like you to meet my son.

The lucky man.

Great to meet you, Brother David. Yeah, congrats.

Are you nervous?

Is it that obvious?

I'm only joking.

No, I've been looking forward to this for months.

A wedding is the most incredible day of any Druid's life.

Thanks for letting us stay. Tonight's been awesome.

You know, I am so glad that you're enjoying yourselves.

Not always the case with outsiders.

How could anyone not love you guys?

Oh, I don't know. I think they just find our customs a bit odd and confusing.

But who are they to judge?

We're just a little bit different, that's all.

And there is nothing wrong with being a little bit different.

Yeah, we are normal people, really.

Dad's a lawyer.

Sister Mary over there is a thoracic surgeon.

I'm a music manager. No way!

A few of my clients are playing at the festival.

TurboChair, Telephone Telephone, Hammerhead...

You represent Hammerhead? He's amazing.

Yeah? Well, if you like, you can take these wristbands and watch his set from backstage and maybe even meet him.

Are you serious?

Anything for a fellow Druid.

The nuptial horn bloweth.

It's time for the binding ceremony.

The binding ceremony?

Yes. It's the most cherished part of the marriage ritual.

No union is sacred without it.

We're honoured to be a part of this. Oh...

Brothers and Sisters, the time has come for Brother David to be bound to his new wife for all eternity, under the light of the moon.

Ah-oo-wen, Ah-oo-wen... Oh, no.

I've heard about this sort of thing. I think they're gonna sacrifice the goat.

Oh, shit.

Let the binding commence.

OK, what's happening now? I don't know.

Brother Julian, what's going on?

Well, my son is about to be bound to his new bride.

Oh, but I thought that was his wife.

No, no.

No, David is marrying the goat. The binding.

Ooh.

Oh, my God. Fucking hell.

The binding, the binding.

Ooh hoo!

The binding, the binding.

It's so fucking great we can use your car for this.

What? Thought this was your car.

No. I don't have a car. Oh.

Whose car is this? How did we even get in here?

Fuck it. Who cares?

You're so naughty.

It's amazing.

Everything's amazing.

You're sitting on my penis. That's amazing.

I love you. I love you too.

Shit.

That's not good.

What the hell are you doing in my car? Oh, shit.

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, mate. I'm sorry.

The car's fine.

Oh, fuck. I thought it was her car.

It was a romantic gesture!

Oi! Get back here now!

I'm gonna call the police!

Good morning, Amy. Good morning, Shane.

This weather.

Wind.

Blow... Blows.

So last night was pretty weird, wasn't it?

Oh, my God, it was so weird! It went on for so long.

I didn't know it was possible to have sex for that long.

I think it's one of those things that might make a funny anecdote one day.

Obviously right now, it's just incredibly horrific.

Let's just never talk about it ever again. Take it to our graves.

Good idea. I'm already taking 12 other things to my grave, so I can always add something else.

Nick, where have you been?

Are you OK?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm better than OK.

I just had the best night of my entire life.

I met this... this Smurf.

It's all a bit of a daze.

I remember laughing and dancing.

We definitely had sex.

Oh, yeah. I've got this now. Holy shit.

Is that a nipple piercing?

I've got no idea where that came from. Also, I don't know where Smurf Girl is.

I woke up this morning and she was gone. The perfect festival romance.

She's amazing. I've never felt that connected to anyone, ever.

Been taking drugs? She was incredible.

Like some beautiful, crazy angel.

Yeah, you've been taking drugs.

And then... she was gone.

A Smurf wouldn't be too hard to find.

Yeah, I should totally go and try and find her.

Yes, this is what festivals are all about.

Great. Come on, Shane. Yeah, cool.

Although you're not gonna believe this. We've backstage wristbands.

So we can see Hammerhead's set up close, maybe even meet him.

Really? How'd you manage that?

Hm. It's not important. But I really can't miss Hammerhead.

So maybe we could find Smurf Girl after.

Hammerhead's not on for eight hours.

Nick, I know, but... Shane.

You told me I should come here to get over Caitlin. This is it.

I have to find this girl.

I promise we'll see Hammerhead tonight. I promise.

Yeah, cool, definitely.

Woo! Looks like we've got ourselves a search party.

This is just like the time my cousin Sandy was kidnapped.

OK, so the potential love of my life is somewhere down there.

What's the plan? I don't wanna brag, but I'm something of an expert when it comes to missing persons.

I'm a bit of a true crime nut.

Now, Nick, I know this is a tough time for you, but I need you to describe her genitals.

She's not missing. I just don't know where she is.

What does she look like? Blonde, I think.

Sort of a face. Sort of face.

OK. What's her name? I don't know.

You don't even know her name?

In cases like this, it's almost always a jilted lover or a work colleague.

Did she mention any enemies?

This isn't a murder investigation. She's not dead.

Not yet. But these first 48 hours are crucial.

Your piercing. Whoever gave you that must know about Smurf Girl.

Yes, good thinking. Our first clue.

I just hope we're not too late.

Seriously, you've gotta stop that.

After The Afterparty

No.

No. Sure?

Yeah.

Yeah, this one.

The scene of the crime. We should split up and look for clues.

Split up? The place is six foot wide. How are we meant to split up?

Oi. I said if I caught you nicking again, I'd pierce your little arseholes closed.

Fuck me. Here he is.

Do you remember me? Was I here last night with a girl?

With that blue nutter. That's her.

Did she say anything about where she was going, where she's camping, her name?

Nah, nah. She was properly spangled.

And so were you. Do you remember?

Kept saying your knob's a sausage, you were gonna cook it and eat it.

Oh, it was mega lols, innit?

Maybe you shouldn't give piercings to people who are off their face.

What?

You questioning my professionalism? Is that what you're doing?

You cheeky little prick.

In all my years - three years I've been tattooing - no one's ever said that to me.

I would never pierce anyone who was not in the right frame of mind, all right?

You already had that shit piercing when you came in here.

Oh. Sorry.

If Nick already had the piercing, then why would he come here?

Because I did his tattoo. Oh, right.

What does it say?

It says, "My name's not Lick."

Oh.

Yeah, you were very insistent about that.

I like it!

Great, so I've got a tattoo, a nipple piercing and I'm no closer to finding Smurf Girl.

Oi, hang on, hang on.

You did leave this behind.

Oh, shit.

You've got a lot of nerve.

You back to finish off the job?

Did I do all this? You and that bright blue mentalist.

The two of you came running through here at 5am, you said you were a Viking army and that you were going to pillage the living shit out of us.

I am so sorry.

I was off my head on some very powerful drugs.

Yeah, that was pretty obvious. And Gordy's missing.

Did you fucking steal Gordy? Cos I swear to God, if you stole Gordy...

I didn't steal Gordy.

At least, I don't think I did.

Hey, look who it is. Genghis Cunt.

Pirate, I am so, so sorry about this.

Yeah, well, you should be. That was some really messed-up shit.

I know that an apology probably isn't enough, but I... I brought back your leg.

That's not my leg.

What? That is not my leg.

Oh, Jesus. How many one-legged people are at this festival?

Look, what do you want, Nick?

I'm trying to find that girl I was with.

I woke up this morning and she was gone. I don't remember her name or anything and I just wondered whether maybe one of you guys...

God, this is so typical of you, Nick.

You've trashed our campsite because you were tweaking on crystal meth or whatever, but instead of apologising or offering to make it right, you're just thinking about yourself.

I just really need to find her. Fuck off, Nick.

Yeah, go away. You heard 'em, Lick.

And you better find Gordy.

I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

I'm not, because of this.

What's that? That, my friend, is a Chaffney bar.

A whole meal's worth of Chaffney compressed into a snack for the gentleman on the go.

That's amazing. Yeah.

Been trying to get them into supermarkets.

So far I've had rejection letters from Tesco, Sainsbury's, Asda, Morrisons, Iceland, the Co-op, Budgens, Lidl and Poundstretcher.

But I've got a good feeling about Waitrose.

Dude, how'd it go?

Yeah, it was really great, actually.

Really? Obviously not. Worst thing ever.

Worse than your breakdown at graduation?

Worse than that time you watched your ex giving a pirate a BJ?

I'm such an idiot.

Why did I think I could be happy?

I should have accepted some people aren't meant to be happy and I'm one of them.

Bummer.

If only you'd fallen for a Minion.

I see those blue guys all the time. What?

There's a group of girls dressed as Minions, all painted blue, white hats... think it's, like, a hen do.

They're always hanging out at that cocktail bar down there.

Nick. Nick!

♪ So go ahead and prove me right

♪ Cos that's what girls like

♪ I know what boys like

♪ I know what they want

♪ They want that good thing Hi, guys. All right?

♪ They wanna get some How's it going?

Hi, excuse me.

Oh, you're not gonna like this.

Oi.

Oi! What you doing?

That's really bad. I'm so sorry. Just really quickly, I'm looking for a Smurf.

I think she might be with you.

Who's asking? Sorry, I'm Nick.

I was with her last night.

We erm... well, kind of got together, to be honest.

I just really need to see her again.

Do you have any idea where she might be?

Why would I give my mate's number to some randomer?

I promise I'm not a stalker.

I am trying to track her down and she doesn't know about it but once I've found her, the stalking'll stop.

Piss off. Give us back our speaker. Can I just have her number?

Give it back. Can I have her number?

Hang on, I've got an idea.

I'll give you her number... Thank you.

..if you show us your dicks. What?

And arses.

This is a hen party and what the bride wants, the bride gets.

If you want her number, then you two need to do us a little striptease.

Woo! Striptease.

Me? Yeah, you too, hot stuff.

Do you really want to see me naked? I mean, even I don't wanna see me naked.

Listen, if you two don't get your cocks out pronto, then it's no deal.

Can we have a minute?

OK, so how do you wanna do this? Do one at a time or together?

Wait. I'm not doing this.

Mate, come on. I'm one step away from Smurf Girl.

We just have to do a quick striptease and then I get her number. Job done.

I am not getting my dick out in front of a load of strangers.

You once told me that a true friend is somebody who'd help you dispose of a body.

I'm not even asking you to do that.

I am just asking you to ex-pose a body, your body, while I also expose mine.

We wanna see cocks!

Off! Off! Off!

Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

♪ Yes, I can see her

♪ Cos every girl in here wanna be her

♪ Oh, she's a diva

♪ I feel the same and I wanna meet her

♪ They say she low down

♪ It's just a rumour and I don't believe 'em Get them off!

♪ They say she needs to slow down

♪ The baddest thing around town

♪ She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before

♪ Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood whore

♪ I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl Get 'em off. ♪ Without being disrespectful

♪ The way that booty movin'

♪ I can't take no more Where'd you learn to do that? Saw Magic Mike on a plane.

♪ I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl

♪ Without being disrespectful

♪ Damn, girl

♪ Damn, youse a sexy bitch

♪ A sexy bitch

♪ Damn, youse a sexy bitch

♪ Damn, girl

♪ Damn, youse a sexy bitch

♪ A sexy bitch

♪ Damn, youse a sexy bitch

♪ Damn, girl

♪ Yes, I can see her

♪ Cos every girl in here wanna be her When I see helmets, you'll get her number.

♪ Oh, she's a diva Off! Off! Off!

Oh, shit! ♪ I feel the same and I wanna meet her Off! Off! Off!

♪ They say she low down

♪ Well, come on, little mama Let me put on my pants. ♪ Let's tear this damn place up

♪ Come on, little mama, let's tear this damn place up

♪ Come on, little mama, let me see you do your stuff What's her number? What's her name?

♪ Tear it up, up-up-up-up

♪ Tear it up, up-up-up-up Give me back me phone, you prick!

♪ Tear it up

♪ Come on, little mama, tear this damn place up

♪ Yeah, move back, baby, turn my way

♪ Turn around again and let me hear ya say

♪ Tear it up!

♪ Tear it up!

♪ Come on, little mama, and tear this damn place up

♪ Tear it up, up-up-up-up

♪ Tear it up, up-up-up-up-up

♪ Tear it up

♪ Come on, little mama, tear this damn place up

♪ Tear it up, up-up-up-up

♪ Tear it up, up-up-up-up

♪ Tear it up

♪ Tear it up Oh, shit.

♪ Come on, little mama, tear this damn place up Sorry, don't look at my penis.

Pull that again and I'll fucking Taser you.

Stop! They haven't done anything wrong. He's trying to find his girlfriend.

Well, not his girlfriend. Just some blue rando he fucked in a car.

You can't do this. We're the train gang.

You can't break up the train gang. Amy, please, stop.

We're not a gang. We're not even your friends.

Hey, she's just trying to help. Well, she's not helping, OK?

Know how long we're gonna be here?

Just sit tight.

I can't believe that guy called the police.

People who go to festivals are meant to be chilled out.

It was just a couple of scratches. I was gonna leave a note.

Plus we were so close to finding Smurf Girl.

Do you think I could find her on Facebook?

If her profile pic is her as a Smurf...

Shut up, Nick. What?

Just shut up. I don't wanna hear any more about Smurf Girl.

What?

You realise we're gonna miss Hammerhead's set now?

That's why you're upset?

Cos you don't get to see some twat in a mask press play?

Seeing Hammerhead was the one thing I wanted to do this weekend.

You promised me we'd see him.

Right now I could be hanging out with him, discussing beats.

Instead I'm stuck in here and it's all your fault.

My fault? You're the reason we're in here.

You're the one who made us spend all day chasing after some fantasy girl.

You're the one who made me get naked. I'm the one who should be complaining.

I've had my nipple pierced, I've got a fucking mental tattoo all over my arse and now I have to sit here listening to you bang on about some bullshit DJ no normal human being gives a toss about.

The other guys were right. You're so... Nickish.

Nickish? What does that mean?

I defended you when everyone said you're a bell-end.

But they're right.

You're annoying, and selfish.

And you don't care about anyone else because you're too wrapped up in your own pointless shit.

You think everything I do is stupid.

And you were mean to Amy, who, by the way, is awesome and a much nicer person than you.

Such a Nick.

I'm not gonna sit here and be insulted with my own name.

Sit down!

Can I make a phone call, please?

♪ You show the lights that stop me turn to stone

♪ You shine it when I'm alone

♪ And so I tell myself that...

Hello, hello.

I'm busting you out. Come on, let's go. Come on.

I'm joking. I've been through all of the appropriate channels and they've let you off with a caution.

Did they mistreat you, Shane?

OK. Let's get you boys home.


Now, who's gonna join me to get some snackeroonies for the road?

You're not coming?

Come on.

I'll buy you a hot choccy. No.

I've never heard you turn down a hot choccy.

Is everything all right with Shane? He doesn't seem his usual chirpy self.

He's a bit annoyed cos he's missing a set by this DJ he loves.

Hammerhead?

Do you know him? No, but Shane talks about him a lot.

Not to me, obviously. To others.

Yeah, well, I guess I kind of messed up.

We got kicked out and now he doesn't get to meet his hero and it's basically all my fault.

He's right, I am a dick.

So you're a dick.

So what? That's not a big deal.

What? I mean, look at Gandhi.

He was a real knob to his wife and actually he was quite racist, but still a cool person and my personal hero.

Or Lance Armstrong. Yes, he was a cheat, he was a bully.

But he's raised a lot of money for charity and he's also got a great podcast.

So, yeah, you might have made a few dick moves, but being a dick doesn't necessarily make you a bad person.

That's something you have to remember.

What time is it? 7:06.

Thanks. Thanks, Robin.

What're you doing? I'm getting you to that Hammerhead gig.

What? You're right. I've been a selfish idiot.

I've made this whole weekend about me. And I'm sorry.

We are seeing Hammerhead.

OK.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. What about Robin?

Do you wanna see Hammerhead or not?

Ah, Robin'll be fine. Let's go.

Taken my car, the dick.

Too Little Too Late

♪ Give me something for the guillotine

♪ Give me something for your heart

♪ Give me something for the best days of us All right, bud? Yep, this is the place.

Psst. Amy.

Hey, Shane. Hello, Nick.

Hello, Amy. Thank you for agreeing to help us.

I agreed to help Shane.

It's just sad you come as a pair.

Amy, please, I'm really, really sorry. We're the train gang.

Oh, are we? Yeah.

In that case, you'll know what noise a train makes.

Choo-choo? Do it properly.

There are security around.

So you'd better hurry up and make a train noise.

Choo-choo. Louder.

Choo-choo! Do the arms.

Choo-choo-choo. Ch-ch-ch...

Choo-choo! Shovel some coal.

Uh-oh. There's another train coming.

Choo-choo, choo-choo...

Amy, we're in a bit of a rush, so can we...?

For you, not him. We're still not friends.

OK, so this is what you do.

You climb... over the fence.

Oh, that's it? Yeah.

Taff could bunk you over, but he charges for it.

I'll look out for security.

Come on, Nick!

Nick, what are you waiting for? Jump.

OK, I've just...

My nipple ring is caught.

If you lift me up, I can get it off.

Agh.

Right, I've nearly got it.

Oh, shit, I think someone's coming.

Oh, phew. It was nothing. My bad.

Let's go.

Hammerhead! Hammerhead!

Hammerhead! Hammerhead!

Shit. Oh, well.

I need to see the doctor, please. Sure you do, mate.

Oh, can I just show you that?

Jesus Christ.

In you go. Thank you.

The backstage entrance is up here. I'm in a lot of pain.

Do I look shocked? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Lick, what the fuck are you doing?

Mate, can we come in? We had wristbands but lost them.

No wristbands, no entry. Please, Pirate.

I wish there was something I could do. I mean, there is, but I'm not gonna do it.

Brother David!

Oh, Shane!

Amy.

Hi. Hi.

How do you know Hammerhead's manager? Oh...

W... T-The...

The... Ooh... Oh.

We... erm... Erm...

Er...

Well, fuck... erm...

We... What did...

We...

We all like soup. Yep.

Exactly.

You guys coming in? We're trying. But this guy won't let us.

What? Don't be silly. Come in.

These guys are with Hammerhead.

We've got a bar there. They serve beer, everything.

Thanks, Brother David. Ooh.

It's just David around here.

Hammerhead hasn't been on yet, has he? Mmm, not yet, no.

His trailer's there. Wanna say hello?

Nothing in the world I want more. Yes, please.

I should probably go and clean this up. Oh, my God. What is that?

Oh, nothing.

Just a massive hole where my nipple used to be.

Yeah, we should get you to a doctor.

No, no, I'll go on my own. You go and meet Hammerhead.

Are you sure? Yes. He's your hero. You've gotta go.

Thanks, Nick. Argh!

Please. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

OK, let's go. Hammerhead awaits.

Soleil De Volt

Just me.

David, what's going on?

I was supposed to start my set an hour ago.

Er... yeah, they're a little bit behind schedule.

But the good news is that you'll be on soon.

Anyway, couple of fans wanted to say hello.

Hi. It's an absolute honour, Mr Hammerhead.

Hello. I love you. Cheers.

If we're not going on now, could you get me some proper food? I'm starving.

Yeah, I could sort something out.

Now? Yeah.

Hey, if you're feeling peckish, I've got just the thing.

It's a Chaffney bar. It'll fill you right up.

Chaffney?

What the fuck is Chaffney? It's delicious. You'll love it.

Go on, then.

Mm. Not bad, eh?

This is actually pretty good.

If only my Great-Grandmami Agnes knew that one day a superstar DJ would tuck into her Chaffney.

She wouldn't know what a superstar DJ was.

She lived in a treehouse and had tennis rackets for shoes.

She was quite seriously mentally ill.

I've just gotta say...

I love everything you've ever done.

Is it true that you once had a drop so powerful that it killed someone on the dancefloor?

That was just a coincidence.

Got me trending on Twitter, though.

Oh, that's amazing.

You know, I actually write music too. D-Do you wanna hear some?

I've got some tracks on my phone.

♪ Loving, you give me nothing

♪ Till I'm black and blue inside

♪ You keep me falling, but I'm going all in

♪ Cos I still want you tonight...

Holy shit.


After everything! I've just wasted all my fucking life!

..if you go through someone's phone. Fucking Minions.

How long's it been going on?

How long has it been fucking going on?

Order!

Order!

Hey.

Hi.

I have been looking for you all day.

OK. Why? It's me, Nick.

You hid in my tent. We had sex in a car.

Last night.

Oh, my God!

Car Dude.

How have you been, man? OK, yeah.

Er... Mostly been looking for you.

Last night was fun.

Fucking fun.

Oh, my God, I can barely remember anything.

I was so fucked. Me too.

So, listen, do you wanna, like, get a drink or...?

Er... No, thanks.

What?

I don't wanna get a drink with you.

Oh. OK, cool.

Yeah, that's...

That's fine.

OK.

That's all from me.

Erm... See... See you. That's it.

See ya.

So with this one, I was trying to mess around with, like, a crunchier baseline, you know?

I think maybe five songs is probably enough for now.

Sure. Sure.

I'll play you the rest later. Yeah.

Where the fuck is David? I feel a bit weird.

You do look a bit clammy. Yeah.

I don't feel good. I feel quite unusual.

I need to get up, actually.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I feel weird.

Oh, God.

Can I ask you a question? There's no shellfish in this, is there?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, great.

There is a lot of crabmeat but no shellfish.

I'm fucking allergic to shellfish.

Oh, my God.

I've gotta get this out of me. I've gotta get this out of me! Oh!

OK, Hammerhead?

I'm so sorry. My Chaffney's never hurt anyone before.

What's all the noise? What's going on?

Hammerhead was hungry. I gave him one of my Chaffney bars.

Now he's having an allergic reaction.

Shit. Is he all right? I'm sure he'll be OK.

Is it bad? Oh, my God!

Holy shit! Fuck!

Let me see. No, no, no, no.

No, no. Sit down. Sit down.

Hammerhead, we're ready for you.

Oh, shit. It's fine. The mask will cover it.

It won't go on.

Mr Hammerhead?

Oh, Jesus, erm...

That's not good. EpiPen.

What? Get me an EpiPen.

Excuse me? The EpiPen.

What's he saying? Pen? He wants a pen?

Hammerhead?

There's something in the bag.

Allergy pen. Yes!

It's OK. Get him on the floor!

OK, OK. That's it.

Hold him down. Whoo.

I'm gonna pierce the breast plate. No, no, no, my thigh.

Put it in my thigh.

One... No...

No! Two...

Three!

Did it work? No.

Mr Hammerhead?

What we gonna do? You go on.

What? Put on the mask and pretend to be Hammerhead.

I can't do that. Yes, you can. You know all his tunes.

You OK? We have to do something.

Look. Hammerhead wants you to do it.

No. I think he does.

He's a pro.

He doesn't wanna let the crowd down. He knows you can do it.

I need to be sure. Hammerhead, shall I go out there?

Shall I pretend to be you?

No fucking way.

Let's do this.

Hey, Hammerhead! It's an honour to finally meet you.

You all set?

Oh, yeah, good to go.

Wait, Lick. You're coming?

Yeah, he said I could watch from the wings.

OK, whatever. Right this way, sir.

I can do this, right?

I can do this, yeah.

OK. Just gotta be Hammerhead. Just gotta be Hammerhead. It's easy.

Hammerhead! Hammerhead! Hammerhead!

Hammerhead!

Hammerhead, man, you know.

Wahgwan, my G.

Give me some love. What's going on with you guys?

Something's wrong. You're moving like an imposter fish right now.

You OK, Mr Hammerhead?

Nick, Nick. He's lost his voice.

You know the thing. Also, he's got a tender wrist.

Too much of this.

Scratching. I didn't mean wanking.

You're moving kinky, blud. I'm done. I'm gone.

All right, the riser's down there.

Have a good show. OK. Thanks for the directions.

Shit, shit. Shane, you've done it.

I don't know. I've met Hammerhead. That's all I wanted. This is scary.

Fear is just your body telling you not to do something dangerous.

That doesn't make sense.

You can do this. I believe in you.

Positive mental attitude. Positive mental attitude.

Right, let's go.

Hammerhead! Hammerhead! Hammerhead!

Gordy. Nick.

All right, mate? Yeah.

What are you doing in there? In here? No idea.

But I will tell you this. No more ketamine for me.

Right. No more.

Bad Gordy. Too much ketamine. OK.

Do you wanna come and watch Hammerhead? Erm... no.

I'm gonna get a bit more kip in here.

Don't tell anyone, but Hammerhead is actually Shane.

Cool.

Have you got any ketamine? No.

See you later, Gordy.

Hammerhead!

Hi, guys. Can you believe we're backstage?

Nick, you are toxic and triggering, and if you take one step closer to Lucy, I swear to God, I will strike you with a punch.

Jesus, Rex, stop.

I'm not going to have sex with you.

What? And wash your foreskin, Rex. It stinks.

Caitlin, can I have a quick word?

What? I just wanted to say sorry.

For graduation and for this weekend.

And for everything, really. Oh.

We split up and I'm OK with that.

Yeah. I mean, we can still be friends.

Oh, God, let's not be friends!

Ugh, friends? You're right. What's gonna happen?

We hang out and play FIFA and I start crying because I miss you.

Being friends with an ex is the worst. The worst.

Let's not do that. Let's have a nasty, difficult, immature break-up.

Yes. You are selfish and anal, and we are not friends.

Not friends.

I can do this. I can do this.

It's fine. I can do this.

I can do anything. I can do anything.

I can do anything.

Oh, shit.

Shit. The music.

Oh, erm...

Look at his face.

What do I do? What do I do now?

I'll just twiddle some buttons.

Yeah!

This is the best night of my life!

Do you like soup?

Oh, sorry it took so long. You know those queues are...

Ugh! What the fuck?

Ah! Great. You're back.

Well, I'll just get out of your hair.

What the hell happened? Oh, nothing.

A little mishap involving some crabmeat.

Isn't that right, Mr Hammerhead? He can't go out there like this!

Don't worry about that. Shane's gone out there instead.

What? Are you insane?

Glasshouses, mate. You fucked a goat.

I didn't know you knew Hammerhead.

Er... Yeah.

He's a bit geeky.

Er... Yeah.

We've gotta pull the gig.

Why? He's killing it.

Yeah, well, that's not the real Hammerhead.

What? That is not the real Hammerhead.

That is.

I think it's going down.

Holy shit. Don't worry. I'm gonna fix this.

Hey. Oh, shit.

Hey, get off the stage, arsehole. Fun's over.

I'm Hammerhead. You're not Hammerhead. Let's go.

I'm Hammerhead. You're not Hammerhead.

You're not Hammerhead. I'm Hammerhead!

Stop! Look, this is my moment!

Holy shit. It's Dougie!

I've seen his bell-end!

Oh, shit.

Nick, Nick, help! Come on, get off.

Don't push me. Oi, Pirate.

Fuck you, Lick.

Hammerhead can't DJ, cos he ate a horsemeat and crab bar, but Shane can and it's his dream.

Please let him DJ. Yeah, fuck off, you fucking idiot.

Fine. I wouldn't normally hit anyone, let alone anyone with a disability.

You fucking pervert.

Yeah, you gonna hit me? Nick, what do I do?

I'm a bit busy. I can't hear you. What?

Just a bit busy. I can't hear you.

Play your stuff. What?

Bit busy. I think I'm gonna play my stuff.

I'm sick of your bullshit!

♪ Push 'em up

♪ Push 'em up

♪ Push 'em up

♪ Push 'em up Fuck you, Lick! My name is... Nick.

Oi! That's not fair! You're part machine!

There's a fucking N in it! Agh.

Let go! What are you doing? Let go! Let go!

Oh, dear.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Amy, throw me the leg.

Pirate. Are you gonna let Shane DJ?

I'm not gonna haggle for my body part, you arsehole.

You are making me do this, I'm afraid. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

It's not a beach ball!

This time you did steal The Pirate's leg.

Yeah. I should do something about that.

No, fuck him. I'm glad we're friends again, Nick.

This is gonna make such a good story!

This is amazing. They like my stuff.

Because it's great.

So what now? Who cares?

Yeah. Who cares?

Shane, you're amazing. I think you're amazing.

Can I kiss you? Can I kiss you?

That's my son.

That's my son!

I fucking love festivals!

Oh, shit. Shane, we've gotta go.

Oh, shit. What we gonna do? We could make a run for it.

I'm happy to run. In that case, we should run.

Which way?

That way?

We could crowd-surf off. Reminds me of the time I nearly drowned.

Have I ever told you that story? Tell us later!

Oh, God.

Yes, Mum, yes. No, no caution this time.

Well, cos he hit me first.

No, he didn't take my leg, but only cos he couldn't.

Just sounds like you're on his side, that's all.

..there's a Stilton tent, which is literally a tent made of Stilton.

It stinks. It sounds amazing.

OK, guys, here are your tickets.

Er... I'm down there.

We're not together? No, you two are too... together.

Wait, Nick. These are... I know. They're so much cheaper.

Hello. Hello.

Tickets, please. Oh, f...

Right, I've gotta go and hide in the toilets. Don't go anywhere.

♪ Whoo

♪ Get on your feet, boys

♪ Rip it up, rip it up if you're ever gonna make it!

♪ Get on your feet, girls

♪ Rip it up, rip it up if you're ever gonna make it!

♪ Rip it up, rip it up, rip it up

♪ Rip it up, rip it up, rip it up

Aargh...

♪ Get on your feet, boys Do you have showers here?

No.

Do you sell wet wipes?

♪ Rip it up, rip it up if you're ever gonna make it

♪ Get on your feet, boys

♪ Rip it up, rip it up if you're ever gonna make it

♪ Rip it up, rip it up, rip it up

♪ Rip it up, rip it up, rip it up...

♪ Woke up and I felt all vibey

♪ Woke up and I felt all lively

♪ Woke up, I was, like, cor blimey

♪ Got a whole lot of vibe inside me

♪ My nuts were a little bit grimy

♪ My guts were a little bit slimy

♪ Washed up and made myself tidy

♪ Now I'm spick and span and I'm shiny

♪ Then I said, Jesus Lord, please guide me

♪ Don't let these pussy-o's try me

♪ Don't wanna see me get fiery

♪ God, I know that you won't deny me

♪ Let me know everything is irie

♪ He said, Dun know that I'm your guy, G

♪ I said, Amen, and I thank you kindly

♪ Then I hopped in the whip all smiley

♪ Catching the vibe Out here patterning vibes

♪ Might get Ghost for the weekend

♪ Grab one yatty and go for a ride

♪ Catching the vibe

♪ I'm so happy inside

♪ I don't know about them man there

♪ But I'm so gassed I'm alive

♪ I've been waiting for so long

♪ To pattern a vibe, it's true

♪ Now that I caught this I ain't gonna let go

♪ Until the whole night's through

♪ Cos I've been waiting for so long ♪ So long

♪ To catch a vibe with you, yeah

♪ So, if you want to catch my wave

♪ Maybe you can come my way Yeah, yeah

♪ Creeper And I feel like a right proper geezer

♪ Hold on, let me get a little deeper

♪ Let me tell you how my day gets sweeter

♪ Got a ting over there I don't cheat her

♪ Got a ting I just poke, I don't tweet her

♪ Roll up to the spot, then I beep her

♪ Roll up to the spot, on time like the Reaper

♪ Open the door then I greet her

♪ I say, Wahgwan, my siñorita

♪ You look like a right little keeper

♪ Wanna get you a bevy and feed ya

♪ Better buckle up tight cos I need ya

♪ Like your birthday, the way I'm gonna treat ya

♪ Got a whole lot of bass in my speaker

♪ And you're rolling with a rasclart overachiever

♪ Catching the vibe

♪ Out here patterning vibes

♪ Might get Ghost for the weekend

♪ Grab one yatty and go for a ride

♪ Catching the vibe

♪ I'm so happy inside

♪ I don't know about them man there

♪ But I'm so gassed I'm alive

♪ I've been waiting for so long

♪ To pattern a vibe, it's true

♪ Now that I caught this I ain't gonna let go

♪ Until the whole night's through

♪ Cos I've been waiting for so long ♪ So long

♪ To catch a vibe with you, yeah

♪ So, if you want to catch my wave

♪ Maybe you can come my way Yeah, yeah

♪ If you wanna ride

♪ Come, we can pattern a vibe

♪ I've been waiting all my life

♪ So, we gotta get it right Yeah, yeah

♪ If you wanna ride

♪ Come, we can pattern it right

♪ I'm just celebrating life

♪ I'll be doing this all night

♪ Just catching the vibe

♪ Out here patterning vibes

♪ Might get Ghost for the weekend

♪ Grab one yatty and go for a ride

♪ Catching the vibe

♪ I'm so happy inside

♪ I don't know about them man there

♪ But I'm so cussed I'm alive

♪ I've been waiting for so long

♪ To catch a vibe with you, yeah

♪ So, if you want to catch my wave

♪ Maybe you can come my way Yeah, yeah

♪ Catching the vibe

♪ Out here patterning vibes

♪ Catching the vibe

♪ Out here patterning vibes

♪ Catching the vibe