The Five-Year Engagement (2012) Script

Man.

I'm excited about this party.

Oh!

I saw a special on Animal Planet today.

Yeah?

About how frogs can spontaneously switch sexes.

Are you okay, babe?

Yeah, I just thought you would find that interesting.

Oh! What?

Shoot! What happened?

I forgot that I have an errand to run.

I have to swing by the restaurant and get the receipts, I forgot.

Oh, you can do that tomorrow. You don't have to do it tonight.

No, I promised Alex that I would do it tonight.

Oh, Alex won't mind.

Yeah.

Let's just go to my sister's party.

Let's get you a drink. I think you probably need one.

We'll have a bit of a dance. I want to get weird with you tonight.

No, I have to swing by the receipts.

It's the end of the year and the taxman waits for no one.

What is going on with you? Ls everything all right?

What is happening? Nothing is happening.

Tell me what's going on. Nothing.

Tell me what's happening. Nothing's happening.

You look very tense and sweaty.

Just tell me what's happening, Tom.

I was gonna ask you to marry me tonight.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, no, I love you.

I love you.

Oh, I love you. I love you.

Oh, no. Did you have something planned?

And I questioned you too much, didn't I?

We had a plan. It was sort of like a skit about the receipts.

With the receipts. Oh, just do the thing, I want the thing.

Please do the thing with the receipts.

I've been dreaming about those receipts since I was a little girl.

Please.

Violet! Tom! What a surprise.

Are you here for the receipts?

The taxman waits for no one.

She knows.

Yeah. She knows what?

Alex, it's fine. She knows already.

Dude, shut the fuck up! Congratulations.

No, no, no! Just pretend like I don't know.

Do the thing that we planned.

Do the thing.

Really? Yep.

This is stupid.

L...

Darn it, I can't find the receipts.

Where are they?

I may have left them on the beautiful roof deck.

Why don't you wait there while I search for the receipts in the back?

Right this way.

Oh, my God! Babe!

Oh! Look.

Oh, Tom. Okay.

I will go ahead and look for those receipts now.

What the... Look at the bridge.

San Francisco is for lovers.

Got it.

Violet, it was one year ago tonight, on New Year's Eve, when I first saw you.

We were at a Make-Up- Your-Own-Superhero party.

I was dressed as Super Bunny.

And I was Princess Diana.

I turned to my sister and I said, "Who is that cute bunny?" And she said, "He looks like a murderer."

Which was harsh.

Well, then this song came on.

And I walked up to you and I said...

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but what exactly is your superpower?“ And I said, "Princess Diana doesn't require a superpower.“

Okay, listen, I'm not sure exactly what you wanted, but then it occurred to me that I'm supposed to be the one who knows you better than anyone in this world.

And I remember that you saw Blood Diamond and it really upset you, so instead I got you a ruby.

There are still diamonds all around it, tiny ones, but this is vintage, and I think a hundred years ago, diamond mining wasn't as brutal.

I know that doesn't make sense.

If you do not like this, we can return it and go to Tiffany's and get a new one.

I actually have an appointment there with someone tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.

No, no, no.

It is perfect.

You know me so well.

Violet. Yes?

Will you marry me? Dude, dude, dude.

Chef Sally just showed up. Right now. What?

What are you talking about?

I thought you said you were sick.

Chef, can you not do this right now?

Of all the people who have stabbed me in the back, you?

You know what I should do? Put you on the brunch shift.

Unless you're feeling too colicky for that, you fucking baby.

Chef, I'm trying to propose to my future wife, just right now.

Literally, right now.

Oh! Wow.

Okay, wow.

Okay, congratulations, both you guys.

Live long and prosper.

No, that's weird. That's Star Trek.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

Anyway-

Violet, I love you.

I love you.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

I love you.

The Five Year Engagement


On, no!


When Tom first told us about Violet and he...

We thought that he was lying to me.

For how could a woman so pretty and intelligent...

Go for a guy so goofy and without a cent?

And to be getting married after only just one year...

Seems pretty short, don't you think so, my dear?

Now, it's too bad Tom's last grandpa just suffered a fatal stroke.

Because he would have loved to be here.

And that's no joke. And that's no joke.

To Tom and Violet.

To Tom and Violet.

My daughter, Violet, the first important thing to remember about marriage is that it requires commitment.

The second important thing to remember about marriage is that so does insanity.

Vi, you know I don't believe in marriage, or kids or anything like that, but when I see you two together, I get what the whole institution is about, you know...

Sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't cry and I just...

Fuck!

Come on, Suzie. Come on, Suzie!

All right, I got it.

I didn't think...

Take a breath, love.

All right. Violet and Tom...

Breathe, breathe.

It's okay.

Are perfect for each other in every way.

And I feel great about it.

And I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you.

And, Tom, I love you, too.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

That's enough. That was enough. It's all right, love.

It's all right. Amazing!

Are you ready for this?

Have you considered your finances?

Do you know how many children you want to have?

Indeed, do you want to have children?

Where are you going to live? Do you know each other well enough?

No, you see, the tendency when one is young is to be rather naive.

One assumes that everything is going to turn out like some wonderful romantic comedy starring Tom Hanks.

But, in reality, the sad fact is that most relationships end up like Saving Private Ryan, or Philadelphia.

Doing a bit of a multimedia presentation here, so just one second.

Here we go.

Oh, Tommy boy, I've known you for a long time.

Yeah.

Violet, you are certainly the love of his life. Mmm-hmm.

And we use this moment to celebrate a new future of commitment and love.

But not without first exploring a past.

Here we go.

Jenni Newman, Greta Kay, Anne Pefia, Lizzie Gray Kelly Wozack, Dana Gilpin and Lizzie Gray again Jill McCarthy, Teresa Nassbaum, Sally Baker, Big Alice This Korean, that Korean, and Lizzie Gray again Ingrid Pell and my ex Even though they claimed no sex Rock and roll and cola wars I can't take it anymore Violet didn't start Tom's fire It was always burning and she got the ring on She wasn't his first lover As it turns out He fucked some others Doris Williams...

Okay, that's enough. I think that's enough, right?

Really?

Yeah, that's plenty.

Oh! Whoa!

Boo! Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

Nope. Alex.

You're right, yep. Yes, I know who you are.

You've got quite a reputation.

Nice. Yeah.

Is that good or is it bad?

It's mostly gross. Yeah, just gross stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you wearing Chanel No. 5, by chance?

I'm not wearing anything.

No way. No.

That's just your smell, huh?

Yeah.

Crazy. Yep.

It's pretty weird.

Yeah.

All right, you know, this is not gonna happen.

Sorry.

You seem very nice.

No, I was...

It's just not gonna happen. Yep.

I know it. I agree.

All right, good.

What? Oh, I'm gonna...

Hello.

Gideon. Oh, hi.

I just wanted to say congratulations to both of you.

I really couldn't have picked a better choice for my favorite ex-girlfriend.

Aw! Thank you very much.

I didn't know that you were going to be here.

Uh... Yeah. Your mom said I could come, so I just popped over.

From London, through Atlanta.

And Houston.

Right. I am going to go to the loo and...

I think you literally just went to the bathroom.

Mmm... Didn't. No.

How was Afghanistan?

It was harrowing.

I was there for the capture of Mullah Abdul Akhtud El Sayed Ahmed Shafeer Salaheen.

Amazing.

Um... Violet is a fantastic woman.

She is.

How long have you guys been together?

Just... Just over a year.

We were together for four and a half years.

You think after four years you're gonna be spending the rest of your life together.

Now you get her, even though you're still just in the first quarter.

Do you want me to get you a glass of wine or something?

No.

Oh! Good timing. Gideon, stop crying.

This is an emotional moment for me.

No, this is an emotional moment for Tom and I.

You are a guest at our emotional moment.

Congratulations. Okay. All right.

Do not smell me, Gideon.

That is awful!

You like that one?

I hate all of them.

Om

I want to get that job offer in the mail from Berkeley and become a psychology professor.

Work with brilliant people and just dig in for the next 40 years.

And I want to open my own restaurant with a private room in the back just for you and me.

And our 20 kids.

And all of our little pigs. Hmm.

Don't worry, we'll get some breakfast in a bit. You'll feel better.

Not eggs.

Oh! Alex!

Hey. Hey.

Hey Yo!

I didn't think you were going to stay the night.

Yeah, I didn't want to drive home last night in my condition.

So, I just got myself a room.

Oh, nice. Yeah.

Whoa, Suz! Suzie.

Hey, Suz. Oh. Hi.

Come join the fun.

Oh. Hey.

Hey. Yeah. Hello.

You know Suzie. Your sister.

Shut the fuck up.

Guess what I really did last night?

I'll give you 69 guesses.

Oh, my God!

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Audrey. I'm the new hostess.

Audrey? Oh, cool, I'm Tom.

Nice to meet you, Tom. Nice to meet you.

I'm the sous-chef here. How is it going today?

Good. How are you?

Okay, I'm great. Yeah, it's nice to have you aboard.

Thank you. Yeah.

You'll make a great part of the team.

He's engaged.

How's your fiancée doing?

I-m Thank you. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, also.

What the fuck was that?

What are you doing? You're flirting with the help.

I was not flirting, okay? Oh, really?

I was being friendly. Yeah, right.

You were sending telepathic wiener missiles at her face, and you know it.

What are all these tickets?

You guys getting ready to go to a Broadway show?

I need three lamb and potatoes and I actually need them now.

Yes, Chef! I'm done with you.

Give me that, I'll do it myself.

Thank you. Thank you. Alex, how long on my steaks?

Two minutes!

Come on, come on, move, you guys, like there's...

Mother...

Cuntballs. Now it's starting to hurt. Oh, my God!

Chef, you have to go to the hospital.

Tom, you're in charge. You got it, Chef.

I need a doggy bag for my finger.

All right, let's move.

We got a shitload of foie gras.

I need you to push the foie gras gelato.

How long on the gelato, Alex? I need it yesterday.

Four minutes.

Hey, I need hands on all those dishes in the window.

Please, guys.

Yeah, guys, I need hands on my carrot wiener.

Alex, put the carrot wiener away.

The face is the worst part of it all. Get back to the foie gras.

Hi, Granny Leonora. Hi, Grampy.

Hello. How are you, darling? Hi, Nana. Hi, Baba.

Oh, hello, sweetheart!

This is fun.

Violet, love, will you be getting married in London or down in Sussex?

Actually, Baba, we will be doing the wedding in the Bay Area in San Francisco.

You could get married here, in the village church.

Get married in England, where you're from. In London, come on.

Not 5,000 bloody mi/es...

Violet, America is such a long way away.

And grandparents do have a tendency to die.

Mum, Stop it.

They're all right there. What are you doing?

Well, for now.

Mum, stop!

Come on, Berkeley. Come on, Berkeley.

So, the barn holds, like, 350 people.

Oh, that's good. Yeah.

I really love it. It's really beautiful.

So, is it your wedding? Yes, yeah, it is.

That's too bad.

You're so beautiful.

Okay.

It's wonderful, isn't it?

It is so great.

It's beautiful. When's the next available weekend?

In three years.

Unless you want to get married on September 11th.

I don't.

Don't let the terrorists win.

Yes! Great!

Okay, good, so this is gonna be fun.

Of course, the men will wear yarmulkes.

And, in that case, all eligible Christians will be served communion.

Communion? What, we're gonna have communion at my son's wedding?

Um... It is our wedding, Pete.

And, I mean, seeing as everyone is gonna be wearing yarmulkes.

Well, actually, only the men will be wearing yarmulkes, so.

Well, I've never heard you say the word "yarmulke" until today.

Excuse me, I say "yarmulke" all the time. You don't.

Like, "Hey, where's my yarmulke?

"Babe, have you seen my yarmulke?"

Babe, you don't have a yarmulke.

I have a whole... It's in my Jewish drawer. You...

I mean, how are you supposed to even pick a dress from a magazine?

Look at all of them, they're all just white and puffy and stupid.

Vi, come on. Hey! What?

It's supposed to be exciting.

This is your wedding. You only get a few of these.

I didn't get into Berkeley.

It was the perfect teaching job. It was local.

Oh, God.

Eight years of studying, just down the tube.

I'm so sorry, babe.

I'm going to be married within the year.

I'm gonna be pregnant within two years and no career, I'll just be changing nappies and washing dishes and making apple pie.

And I want that, I want it all, but I want to have the career as well.

It's not enough for me.

I mean, it's fine. I can reapply next year.

You don't have to get upset.

It's fine. Why do you always turn things into your thing?

No. Come on!

I'm sorry. What?

I can't help it. It must be the hormones.

What, you're at that time of the month again? You're always on your period.

No.

What is it, then?

Are you pregnant?

Just a little.

Just a little?

Suzie!

God, I feel so guilty. Crikey!

I know this is your time, and I just... I don't want to take the attention away from you.

I'm sorry.

Who's the guy?

I don't want to tell you.

Let me take some guesses, okay?

Just don't even think about it.

One, two, three.

Alex. Fucking hell!

You didn't say it, only I said it!

Is it Alex? It is Alex.

Oh, gross!

Of course it is. Jesus!

No! He is a moron.

Yeah.

You may kiss the bride.

We're fucking married!

Chest bump. Oh! Ah!

SUZIEI We did it.


Not to be competitive, but our wedding is going to be way better.

Absolutely. Theirs was pretty, but I was very cold.

Okay, right? Yeah.

I was chilly the whole time.

It was very chilly.

It was beautiful, wasn't it? Fuck those guys.

Fuck.


Hey. Hey.

Whoa. What's going on?

I'm good.

No, I know you, you're not good. What is going on?

Okay. Sit down and talk to me.

I got a letter from the University of Michigan.

Okay. I got in.

Oh, my God! Congratulations, that's great!

No, no, no, it's not. It's actually terrible.

You know, I've been sitting here panicking because my mum quit her job for my dad and she never forgave him, ever.

She became a real martyr and she's not a happy person, and I just don't want you becoming my mother.

I really don't want you becoming like her. Babe.

Calm down. Okay.

Okay, it's you and me. Yeah.

We can handle anything. I'm not scared of this.

I know, I think I'm just scared that you will end up resenting me.

This is a huge opportunity for you.

If you don't do this, you're gonna end up resenting me, and, frankly, I would much rather be the resentor than resented.

Look, let's talk logistics. How long is the thing?

Two years. Two years?

Yeah. It's long.

No, it's not.

Really?

In the scheme of us spending our whole lives together, two years, that's...

And then we can come back here, right?

Yeah, of course. It's just two years. Yeah, that's...

And, look, I can cook anywhere. Right.

I've cooked in New York, I've cooked in L.A.

I'm pretty sure I can handle Michigan.

Um...

All right. Listen, here's what I propose.

Let's just put off the wedding. We're not in any rush.

Really? Yeah.

We'll get to Michigan, we'll get settled in, and then we'll start planning the wedding again from there once we have our bearings.

Tom.

Oh!

Can I just say something? Yeah.

I think we both know that I deserve to get super laid for this.

Do you want me to wear a cape or something?

I mean, theoretically, whatever you want.

I'm just saying I don't want weekday sex.

You're guilt-sexing me! I want a show. I want the show.

You're gonna get the show. Good, I better.

You're gonna get the Cirque du Soleil of shows.

Lots of this. And this stuff.

Not a mime. Yeah.

This stuff.

Babe!

You really don't think our family is going to be disappointed that we're delaying?

You know what? They'll live.

And now, a moment of silence for Leonora.

Boy, we were packed last night.

I got reservations coming in like crazy.

What's going on?

I'm actually here to give you my two weeks' notice.

I can't thank you enough for all I've learned from you for the past couple of years.

It's been amazing, and so...

No.

I was going to name you head chef at my new restaurant.

Clam Bar.

What's going on?

Wow, okay.

I really wish that you would have told me that earlier.

Shit.

Okay, so my fiancée, Violet, who you've met, got a job in Michigan...

This is why marriage is dumb, okay? It's dumb.

You have a job here, and she's got a job there.

You guys can't do anything because you're so connected, so then one of you has to get the shaft.

This is why I voted against gay marriage.

Please don't tell people.

Well, you know, just saying, what are you supposed to do?

It's like your fiancée gets offered her dream job, what are you going to do, say no?

Yes.

I have to go.

Yeah.


People make bad decisions. This is a fact.

They make them knowingly and they make them consistently, and the question we ask on this course is, "Why?"

"I'm going on a diet tomorrow, "so I'll eat as much chocolate as I like tonight."

"Unprotected sex feels good, "so I'm going to have it despite the fact I might go mad with syphilis."

Please remain seated. It's probably just a false alarm.

Is behavior the person, the environment, or a combination of the two?

What do obesity, lying, drunk driving and rooting for Ohio State have in common?

I'll tell you. Bad decisions.

In fact, you're all currently making a bad decision.

Why would you sit through a fire alarm?

Just because I, a man you've only just met, tells you it's a false alarm doesn't mean that in seconds' time we could all be engulfed in flames, begging and crying for a quick death.

But it is a false alarm.

And those firemen, they're actors.

Want to see some real fire?

Welcome to Social Psychology. Thank you.


So, you quit your chef job in San Francisco to move to Michigan?

Believe it or not, I did, yeah.

Who does that?

So, what were they paying you in San Francisco?

$18.50 an hour.

Oh, shit! Yeah.

That's pretty good.

I was lucky.

I probably couldn't do that, I could do $11.

You know what, it's a different market. I totally understand.

You got to start somewhere.

Nine, then?

Well, I thought you just said 11.

Well, six?

I got it. You're fucking with me.

We don't really have any openings. Sorry.

Ooh! Impressive knife skills.

Thank you. I've heard that before.

So, yeah. Do I have the job?

No, I'm sorry. I just needed those onions chopped.

You're joking, right?

No. Good luck, though.

You left San Francisco to come to Michigan? Are you fucking brain-dead?


And voile)!

Figured that out quick.

Oh, thanks. I studied at the Culinary Institute for a couple years.

Could I get a dill with that?

Well, you're welcome to go with a dill if you want to make the biggest mistake of your life.

Personally, I think the kosher dill is way too briny for a Reuben.

You're going to want something nice and cumin-y with a fresh kick.

I'd go with a habanero Sriracha.

The cucumber's naughty cousin.

Thanks, man.

I'm sort of a pickle nerd around here.

So, really, all I'm gonna be doing here is just making sandwiches, huh?

Yeah, but you're making the most exquisite sandwiches in town, maybe the world.

Right.

Why don't you just fucking let her have the dill, man?

Why don't you just fucking do something? Fuck off.

Hey. I'm Tom.

I'm Margaret. You're the new guy, right?

I am, yeah. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Welcome to the team, dude.

I've pickled everything, really.

I've pickled beets, pickled peanut butter.

I pickled a sandwich. I pickled batteries.

I pickled weed.

Which actually turned out to be a huge waste of weed.

Next.

Hello, Katherine.

This is for you.

Now, you can eat that marshmallow now, or if you wait 20 minutes, I'm gonna give you two marshmallows.

Okay? I'll see you later.

This is an experiment I did a couple of years ago, which shows that children can have trouble with self-regulation.

As you know, if we don't get research grants, we have no money to pay you.

And, as of now, we don't have one.

So, we need ideas for some studies that we can run, and this is my main area of interest, here.

Good. So I want to do the marshmallow experiment with adults.

Well, adults will just wait for the second marshmallow.

I actually don't even think adults really like marshmallows.

Yeah, well, I'm not referring specifically to the marshmallow.

What about this?

What if we were to take our subjects, right, and have them play a driving video game?

Have half of the subjects drive the car normally.

Have the other half drive while masturbating.

Why do all of your experiments have to involve masturbation?

Why do none of your experiments involve masturbation?

Um... What if we, um, casually left a box of stale donuts in the testing room?

And you inform the subjects that these stale donuts will be replaced with new donuts

20 minutes from then.

But then we watch and we see who still goes for an old donut.

What would be interesting is if we had a manipulation.

So, one group, we could make them feel temporarily depressed or...

You know what we should do?

We should do a screening of The Notebook.

Yes.

I know it's stupid, but that shit makes me cry. Yeah.

I would eat 10 million donuts after watching The Notebook.

Okay, I got a good one.

How about we get a subject and then put the subject to sleep, and then cover him with blood and chicken feathers and then put a gun in his hand and then scream inside of his ear.

For what purpose?

I just want to see what would happen.

Okay, I have an experiment.

I think we get three psych grad students together, and we have them come up with the craziest, most insane experiment ideas and then we just wait and see how long it takes for the new girl to realize that they're totally screwing with her.

You're so busted.

No!

Oh, my God!

I felt like I was listening to all of you...

Because that masturbation thing was, like...

That's not a joke, that's real.

My masturbation theories are real.

Yeah.

No, he's obsessed with them. It's kind of a drag.

Okay, listen, I like Violet's donut experiment.

I think it's elegant, it's simple, and we all get to eat donuts.

Great.

Well done, Violet. Thank you.

Welcome aboard. Thanks.

Okay, listen. That's enough shoptalk.

I love a love story. How did you guys meet?

I'll take this one, if that's all right. Okay.

Yeah.

It was two New Year's Eves ago.

Violet was dressed as Princess Diana.

Yep, Tom was dressed as Super Bunny.

Guilty as charged.

But, then...

Gwyrth! Gwyrth! Down, Gwyrth!

Gwyrth! Gwyrth! Down, boy, down. Gwyrth.

Come on, there we are. Come on.

Good boy, good boy.

Gwyrth? What a fascinating name.

It's actually pronounced "Gwyrth." It's Welsh.

Gwyrf. Gwyth.

With an "F"?

Gwyrth. Gwyrth.

Ah! Like Gwyrth Paltrow.

No, no, "Gwyrth."

Gwyth. No, it's "Gwyrth."

Gwyr-yth.

NO. G-W-Y-R-T-H. "Gwyrth."

It means "miracle" in Welsh. He was a rescue dog.

Nice.

Well, enough about the dog. To marriage!

To marriage.

Cheers, everyone. Congratulations, both of you.

Thank you, Winton.

And to Gwyneth.

Okay, I got it. I got it.

Gwi-an.

Ming, please.

Hey. How you doing?

You okay? Great, awesome. Yeah, yeah. This is cool.

Okay, cool. Five more minutes. This is cool.

Okay.

Thank God for another male faculty-spouse.

How could you tell?

I can smell it on you.

Hi, I'm Bill.

Hi, Tom. It's a pleasure.

Nice to meet you. What do you do, Tom?

I'm a chef, actually. But right now, I work at Zingerman's.

Holy shit! I love that place. Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fun.

So, what do you do for a living?

I am a chef.

Have you seen Ratatouille?

Uh, yeah. Based on my life.

It must resonate with you, right?

Yeah, I mean, sure. Absolutely.

You work at Zingerman? Yeah.

Oh, I love that place.

Thanks. Yeah, yeah, it's fun.

Can you give me a free sandwich?

Sometime?

Have you seen that movie Ratatouille?

You know, it's so funny. Everyone keeps asking me that.

Yeah. It's a fantastic movie. Yeah. Yeah.

How about you? What do you do?

I take care of the kids, run carpool, pack lunches.

It's fantastic, watching the little ones grow up.

Sometimes I wonder where my penis went.

It's just a joke I like to say.

I got a lot of quality time with your friends.

They really like Ratatouille.

Oh, did I ignore you at the party?

Come here. I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm sorry.

How are you? Are you all right?

I know it's a lot. It's an adjustment.

No, I'm fine. I really am.

You know what? I had a really good time tonight.

It was a fun party. And I like all your friends.

Did you meet Bill? Yeah.

Well, Bill is going to take me hunting.

Oh, yeah?

Which I feel like is something I'm made to do.

So, yeah. Yeah. That's good.

You promise me you'd tell me if you weren't feeling all right, and...

Babe, you gotta stop asking me. I really am fine.

Okay. I am.

That snow looks nice.

It's fine. Yeah, looks fine.

Do you want to roll around with me in it and get weird?

You mean, like...

Yeah! No one's around. Let's get into Michigan life.

Okay, it sounds great, it does. There is one issue.

What? It's very cold out.

So what?

My penis is going to look super-small for a second.

I've seen your penis every single way.

Not this small.

Take your pants off. Let's do it.

It's going to look like a baby's dick.

Okay, you're ruining the moment.

I'm just going to cut you off right now.

Baby dick. Okay.

Come on, it's so nice! Fuck it.

Do it! Ow!

What? What? My hip, my hip!

Oh, my God.

I landed on something.

It's a fire hydrant.

What the fuck is a fire hydrant doing there?

Poor old grandpa.

Oh, God.

Did I just say, "My hip, my hip"?

Yes, you did.

Sorry, babe.

Oh, God.

I shot him.

Right in the brains.

Welcome to your manhood, Tom.

Hey, you...

You like my sweater?

Yeah.

I knitted it.

Oh, cool. Awesome. Yeah.

My kids used to take these really long, boring naps.

And, for a while, I just stared at them. But then I found knitting.

I can knit you one if you want. It's super-cozy.

Here, feel it.

Wow, that actually is super-cozy.

Yeah. Yeah.

See, I told you this place is awesome. You just gotta settle into it.


Hello! Look at her.

Let me hold her.

Careful, Violet. Mind her neck. You did it.

You're so clever.

It's adorable.

See, he calls it an "it."

Dude, Clam Bar. Booked for an entire month.

You cannot get a table for 30 days.

Thank you so much for quitting, bro. You made my career.

Oh. Yeah, I did it alt for you, buddy.

Anyways, so how's Michigan?

You know, it's a bit of an adjustment. But, all in all, it's fine.

Wow. Sorry.

Have you told her how much you hate it?

I don't hate it.

A bit of Irish stoicism never hurt anyone.

Well, I think it hurt a shitload of Irish people.

Bro, you gotta be honest with her, man.

I am honest.

No, you're not.

You're not being honest with me.

You're not being honest with her.

Don't be a martyr.

Trust me, dude.

You need to be honest with this woman. She's going to be your wife.

Like me, for example, when Suzie told me that she was pregnant, I was like, "There's no fucking way you're keeping this baby."

Because that's what I felt.

I was like, "No. It's not mine, I know it."

Because I was being honest.

I didn't get caught up on how that would make her feel.

You know, I was just being myself.

She, of course, figured out later that that was just panic and anger setting in.

And now she knows that about me.

So, two weeks ago, when I was trying to talk her into giving up the baby for adoption, she's like, "Is this panic, and is this anger?"

And I was like, "Oh, my God, it is.

"Let's keep it."

Let's just... Let's go see your family.

So, darling? Mmm-hmm?

Any ideas when this new wedding might happen?

Mmm. No... I mean, not yet.

Because, you know, we've just moved and it's just a big transition, and so...

Look, it's never going to be easy.

I mean, you could delay forever. Like you did with Gideon.

You always need things to be perfect.

Mum, it's hardly the same, all right? Gideon was a complete tool and so that's why I was procrastinating as much as I did.

What's the date?

I don't know yet, Mum. You've got to make a date, darling.

I don't know yet, Mum, and I will.

Pick a date. Why is that so difficult?

It's not difficult.

I'm just saying that we've just got there and we're trying to enjoy ourselves.

Pick a date. Pick it, pick it, pick it!

Okay. I cannot think with you yelling "Pick it" at me.

Shh!

You know why you're not sure?

No. Because you've never been sure.

Okay, what I don't understand is that you hated marriage.

So why are you forcing me into it?

Well, well, well, Miss Smarty-pants.

For your information, I did not hate marriage, I loved marriage.

I loved your father, always. I was happy.

That's why I'm so angry with him now.

I was happy with that idiot!

I'm sorry I'm not 23 years old.

I'm sorry I'm not made in China.

I'm sorry I'm not Miss Chew Chin Chow!

Now look what you've done.

Crazy about Alex and the Clam Bar, right?

Yeah.

It's good, though. You know, it really is.

It's good for him.

Are you okay about it?

I'm fine.

Um... So, you know what I was thinking?

I know that we're not in any rush or anything, but do you think maybe we should start planning this wedding?

Yes! I was just thinking that. Yeah?

Okay. Great. Yes.

I'll take the lead this time. No.

Listen, you're super-busy. I've got time to do it.

You can just... Look, pitch in when you can, but...

Would you really do that?

You did everything last time. It's a two-way street.

Thank you.

Of course. That's very kind.

You're a very good planner.

I hope you like Legoland.

Because that's where it's going to be.

I'm your giant man.

YOU are my enormous man.

Right, so who's going to be our actor?

Hmm? No, no, please, no. I really don't want to do it.

Come on, it's simple. You just explain the personality test, then casually mention that the day-old donuts will be replaced by fresh ones.

No, I know what I'm going to say.

Anyone who takes an old donut has got impulse control problems.

No, I know, it's just... I'm going to freeze up.

You're going to be great.

People love you. You gotta do it, it's gonna be so much fun.

Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.

Okay.

Go on. Whoo!

Violet, Violet.

Hello, everybody.

So, before you fill out your personality tests, I just wanted to apologize for the snacks.

Those donuts are from yesterday.

And there will be fresh ones to replace those ones in half of an hour.

She's horrible.

So, wait or dine, the choice is yours. Bye.

She's really bad. She's really bad.

Be nice, be nice.

Hey. There she is.

No, no. I messed it up.

A round of applause.

That was so good. That was seamless.

That was a good job.

Hi, Professor. Hey.

So, I got the save-the-date. Very exciting.

Yes, it is.

What is it?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, I just sensed something in your voice.

Oh, no. I don't think so.

Really?

No, I... Well, I mean...

Oh, sorry, look, it's none of my business. I shouldn't intrude.

You know, it's your and Tom's thing. I understand.

Really.

I mean, it's not a secret.

It's just that... I think I just wish Tom were happier here.

Has he told you he's unhappy?

No, but I can tell.

Listen, I think Tom is fantastic.

But you mustn't let his situation make you feel guilty.

You've worked hard to get here. Okay?

You're on the verge, you know?

It's okay to be selfish.

You're a good person, a very good person, and Tom will be fine.

Tom is all right. Tom will understand.

Yeah. Right.

Hey, Professor. Hey, Ashley.

God, you know everyone here.

Well, most of the girls are called Ashley and most of the guys are called Zack, so I play the odds.

Hey, Professor.

Hey, Zack. How's Ashley?

See?

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for tae kwon do.

Okay.

French vanilla with coconut custard?

I mean, who thinks of that? Some sort of genius.

With or without the fruit compote?

You're going to want the fruit compote.

So, you guys have, kind of, had a lot.

This cake is so good.

Cake testing is the best.

I know, I don't know why girls get so tense about all this planning.

It's fun!

Oh, my God.

You look so handsome.

Maybe I should, like, just try on a regular tuxedo.

Yeah, of course. Of course.

I feel like Bigfoot would get married in this.

God, I want a donut.

You know, that's not really a mirror.

It's like, five nerds back there, taking notes.

What's up, nerds?

These donuts suck.

What about the white peonies?

Oh. Do you like white peonies?

Yeah.

I've always heard, though, that, I don't know if you have them, but black peonies are much bigger.

I've heard that, too.

Oh, really? Oh, I hadn't heard that.

Oh! So you haven't seen a black peonies?

No, I never have.

Hey, have you ever had a white penis up your butt?

Bill.

Okay, I'm not acting anymore.

I don't like it. I'm not doing it again.

Please let me do it.

No, no way. You like it too much.

Ming.

God damn it! Go on.

How come nobody ever asks me?

Because you'll make the whole room masturbate.

Hmm. Impressive.

It is very interesting that there was that 25% correlation in both groups in that subjects who had a history of life disruption also ate the stale donuts.

It would be things like job loss, divorce, trouble with the law, multiple partners, that kind of thing.

I mean, in short, I would say that the people who ate the stale donuts were essentially...

Screw-ups.

Well, yeah, I didn't want to say, but...

Well, Violet, congratulations.

And your timing couldn't have been more perfect.

We've just got the NIH funding.

Of course, partially due to your excellent work.

And this means I can extend your postdoc.

Really?

Which means you're going to be with us for a few more years.

Wow, that is fantastic. Thank you.

No, thank you, Violet.

Yeah. I can't wait to tell Tom.

Hey! Hey!

Can I show you three options for our invitation card stock?

You sure can.

I'm super excited. Okay, we have got the...

I love you.

Aw! I love you, too. I do.

Something crazy happened today.

Winton called me into the office and hinted that they might be extending my postdoc.

So, what does that mean for us, exactly? Um...

I think what it probably means is that we would stay here just for a little bit and then...

Would you like some of this wine?

Nope. No? Okay.

Um, I think the first phase would be a few years, and then, potentially, if that went well, for longer.

It sounds like we're staying.


Look, I know our plans changed, but they changed because I did well, and I know it doesn't feel like that to you, but maybe it's a good thing that they changed.

For you.

Yes, for me, but...

I've just worked so hard for my whole life for this.

I feel like I'm on the verge, babe.

And maybe it's okay for me to be selfish.

Well, if it's okay for you to be selfish, I guess everyone else can just figure it out on their own.

Okay, that came out wrong.

That came out wrong.

No, I think you said exactly what you meant.

Academia's my life, Tom. I guess you just don't understand.

Can I tell you something?

It makes me feel like shit when you tell me I don't understand things.

Okay. No, listen, I have news for you.

I do understand.

I understand everything, I just don't like it.

Well, I'm sorry. You're right.

It's just not nice. Okay, look.

I'm very excited about what happened today.

Do you want to know something?

As soon as I heard the news, I felt instantly terrified to tell you.

Now, there's something wrong with that, that I feel like you can't share in this with me.

Even a little.

I'm happy for you.

Yay! We get to stay here!

You're being a prick.

Then I'll just try to be happy, too.

That's not being happy for me.

I want you to be happy.

That's not being happy for me.

That is martyring yourself and then blaming me for your perceived lack of success.

Now...

Now I have a lack of success?

Well, I don't think you do. I have a lack of success now?

But you clearly think you do and that's the problem.

The fact remains, Tom, that you work at a cool place, but you refuse to see it as that.

I ran a kitchen in San Francisco, Okay okay?

And you have no idea how it feels to be the guy in a relationship and not have a job that you're proud of.

It's embarrassing.

Why haven't we once talked about the fact that you are upset that you're not running Clam Bar?

You never talk about it.

Because I'm a man, and men and women are different.

We don't have to sit around and talk about our feelings.

What? There's nothing to say!

You say, "I'm upset," Tom! You say it!

Fine! You want to talk about it?

Yes! I hate it here!

Thank you! I hate it here!

Thank you for... I think it sucks here!

I think it sucks my fucking dick! Great.

Good for you.

I hate it! I hate it here!

Okay, okay, okay, but now we move forward.

Now what should we do?

Would you like to open up a Clam Bar here?

You can't get fresh clams here.

I meant it as a metaphor.

You know what? This is all very confusing.

And I'm clearly overwhelmed And I've gotta be honest, I think the best thing would be for me to just be alone right now, so that I can think.

Okay.

I'll just give you some time then, shall I?

Well, don't go. I mean...

I need you here.

What do you mean? You just told me you needed time alone.

What do you want? I don't know what you want.

I don't want you to go. Okay.

I just want to be alone with you here.

Can you at least lay down? Okay.

Like a normal human being?

Do you want me just to be... I want...

Okay. I'm trying to be alone.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.


I know that things are really complicated right now, babe.

I just want us both to be happy.

Do you think we could do that here?

No.


One, two, dinner.

Damn it!

I missed.

Is it 7:00 a.m. yet?

It is somewhere.

Cheers, everyone!

Cheers! Thanks for coming.

It's so good to see you guys, really.

Yeah. Yes, you guys, too.

So, here we've got some venison meat pie. Mmm-hmm.

And in the far corner we have some venison marrow.

And here we have some forest-foraged vegetables, which I foraged myself. So, enjoy.

Mmm! Yeah.

And, honestly, eat as much as you guys want.

I have three deer hanging in the garage.

So, there's plenty of meat to go around.

Wow.

Oh, my gosh, how rude of me.

Can I get anyone some more mead?

I've been collecting the honey myself.

Tom has become something of an amateur beekeeper.

It's just at the right stage of fermentation. Here you go.

Drink as much as you like.

I feel like I'm drinking out of Chewbacca's dick.

Oh, wow.

That's just honey, huh?

That's really... It's hurting my teeth.

So, we're having a boy.

Oh, my God! Yeah!

Congratulations! Yeah! Thank you!

That is amazing news. One of each.

A little prince. One of each, so we're done, that's it.

Oh, I knew it! So great.

You were boobing out when you came in. Yeah.

Yeah.

That is so exciting for you guys.

I couldn't be happier for you guys.

Thank you.

I'm not sure that I ever want to have kids.

What is it?

I thought you had always wanted kids. That's silly.

You know, sometimes the biggest balls are the ones left unused.

What the fuck did you just say?

I don't know. It's an expression.

Do you know what? I have an idea.

Tom and I are going to take care of Vanessa tonight.

You two are going to go out.

And I will prove to you how fun children are, okay?

Yes. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I don't want Vanessa to take part in one of her psychological experiments.

It's not an experiment. I'm fine with it.

Yes, I am fine doing that. I need a night out.

You know what, we'll talk about it and get back to you.

Done, done. It's done. Come on.

Honey. Honey?

Alex, I do. You don't understand.

I Think we're doing it.

He looks like a drifter.

I don't care if he's a psycho.

You go out every night! I need this.

Look at him. I never go out.

I can hear you.

Do this for me. Do this for me.

When we come back, she'll be hanging on a hook in the garage.

Come on. No. I'm telling you.

We're doing it tonight. Do this for me.

Well, it's decided, we're going out!

All right! All right.

We're doing it. Yeah.

It's going to be fun.

Put it on the other side.

Like that? Should we try to make another set of steps?

I gotta go and pee.

Can you just watch her for one second? Yeah, yeah. Of course.

Okay.

How did this go in together?

I don't know, but it kind of looks like a train, doesn't it?

I'm going to put this one here.

This is all I need.

Totally.

Tom, where's Vanessa?

Babe, you have got to see this.

Tom, where's Vanessa? What?

Where is she?

You have to keep an eye on her.

She was literally just right here.

Okay, but you got to keep an eye, you know?

Okay, I'm sure she's right around here. Vanessa?

Vanessa? Vanessa, where are you?

Oh, my God, Tom!

What are you talking about? Whoa.

What is your crossbow doing on the kitchen table?

A crossbow doesn't clean itself, you know.

What is it doing there?

Hey. Yeah.

Why don't you... Why don't we come back out here and play?

No. I'm Pocahontas.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

All right, just get to the...

Oh, my God, it's in my leg! Oh, my God, it's in my leg!

Oh, my God!

Stay calm! Stay calm!

Get it out! Get it out of my leg!

Get it out of my leg! Okay! Okay!

I'm gonna pull it out!

No, no, no, don't pull it out!

That'll ruin the meat.

It's not meat, it's my leg!

I got it! Stay calm! Get it out!

That's really in there. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God!

My God. Ugh!

Just put pressure on it.

What happened?

She shot me with a crossbow.

What?

I want to punch you in the face right now. Do you understand that?

I think we should all just...

My sister had an arrow in her leg tonight, Tom!

It's not an arrow, it's a bolt.

Well, I guess we were totally wrong! It's a bolt!

Oh, you're right. You know what, we're in the wrong, here.

My daughter didn't just witness herself nearly murdering her aunt!

There was blood all over the place!

She's up there freaking out right now! She shit her pants!

She hasn't shit her pants in two or three months and now she's up there, shitting her pants!

She feels responsible for injuring her aunt, who she loves!

You understand what that does to a kid?

You don't! And you don't even give... You don't care.

It's a good thing you don't want to be a father, because you'd be a terrible father.

And I don't like this. I don't like this new "Lamb Chop" Tom!

You lost it, bro. Tether's cut, you're in orbit.

You're out there.

God! I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry, but please don't be so upset.

At least nobody died.

And Grandpa Baba's last words were, "I can't wait until Violet's wedding."

Okay, babe, I gotta go. I'm really late.

Okay. Mmm. Donuts. Are you going to eat these?

No, but those are old.

And if you want to just wait for a minute, I'll be back with some fresh ones.

Mmm!

These are fine. I didn't have to wait at all.

Are you going to get dressed today?

I think today is more of a bunny day.

Yeah.

I have to say something. I have to say something.

I just have to be, just for real. I love you guys.

Aw! I love you guys.

This is a fucking great department, all of you guys.

You guys are the best co-workers.

Except Ming, I don't know. I just don't think you respect me.

I don't think that you've ever respected me.

And I'm just not feeling it, and I had to be honest.

But to everyone else, to us! Yeah!

Whoo!

To everyone except Ming.

Except for Ming. Sorry, Ming.

Oh, wow.

I want to give a toast. I love all of you so much.

You're my best friends. The best friends anybody could ever ask for.

Except for you, Vaneetha. I don't like you.

I don't like you. You're a bitch.

But I love all of you so much!

I love all of you.

You're the best! All right.

Except for Vaneetha, you're the best!

Calm down, Ming.

She's a bitch.

Listen, what I want to know is, why are professors in movies always writing stuff, equations and stuff, on windows?

I don't know. I don't get it.

I don't get it, either. I don't understand it.

I don't get the fact that my fiancé behaves like a freak.

These are not things that I know.

I mean, surely, you know, in a university you wouldn't be far from a pen and paper, or a computer, or an overhead projector...

I feel like you're not listening to me.

I feel like you're not listening.

I'm trying to offload and tell you my issues with Tom.

Oh, shut up, will you? Put a sock in it.

Why? I'm coming to you as a friend.

You're wallowing. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. I'm not wallowing.

You are wallowing.

What do you know? You don't know anything about relationships.

Well, all right, I'll take that.

When I'm in a relationship, I'm a complete and utter control freak.

Are you really? Are you really, though? But that's not what...

It doesn't matter. I'm surprised.

What we're talking about now is your wallowing.

I'm not wallowing.

I was just trying to tell you that I needed something different tonight, and that's it.

Okay, here it comes.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

Okay, shut up, shut up, shut up. This is amazing.

Mmm!

No! No, no, no.

What were we thinking? I mean, I was wrong, obviously. Totally.

I'm with Tom. Yeah.

I'm taken. I know.

I'm with Tom. I apologize.

I'm going to go find Tom. I know that.

It was a friend kissing a friend. This was bad.

I kissed you and you kissed your boss.

Who are you texting?

I'm texting myself.

Yourself?

I am very drunk and I will not remember this.

Hey, Tom!

Hey!

Hey, babe. Hey.

I've been looking for you.

You're drunk, sweetie.

No, I'm not.

And you didn't come home last night.

I know, because I've been thinking about stuff, and I just...

What have you been thinking?

I love you, and you love me.

And I just think that, why on Earth would we put it off any longer?

Because... I'll tell you why we put it off.

Because we both decided we had too many problems and we were going to put the wedding off until things got better.

Which was dumb as balls. That was so dumb, Tom.

And I have been dumb, saying that.

Please, I just want to marry you, Tom.

Please?

Are you serious? Yeah.

I'm so serious. I don't know what we've been doing.

I have no idea why we've been putting it off and waiting and shifting and this and that, and dicking around. It's like...

I just love you so much. Madly.

So badly, Tom. I just want to...

I just want to get married.

Yeah, that's super sanitary.

You're making boner impressions in the dough.

Are you going to puke?

Oh, shit.

Did you just fucking eat it?

Baby, did you eat it?

Ugh.

That's disgusting.

Sorry.

I'm cool.

Sorry, Tarquin.

You know, that would have been way less gross if you'd just puked everywhere.

All we have available that weekend is our accordionist.

I love accordion. Great. Me, too.

The Chos never made it to the altar, so you can have this one for cheap.

Awesome. Great.

And if you don't have a venue, my brother Randy has a barbeque joint.

It's pretty killer.

Oh, sweet. Perfect.

What does that say?

Yeah, it says, "I don't read Korean."

All right, I was just asking.

I'm just telling you.

I-46.

What do you think?

I think I love it.

Should we just book this place for the rehearsal dinner as well?

Yes. Great.

Done. Done.

Sounds great to me.

Hi. Hello.

Hello.

We were wondering, do you do weddings?

You both Jewish?

Yeah.

Mmm!

I'm so excited for tomorrow night.

Yeah. Our rehearsal dinner.

I can't believe it. It's finally here.

What's going on?

Nothing. Nada.

Something. What's up?

Winton kissed me.

What? It meant nothing.

When?

It was a few weeks ago.

He was drunk and he didn't mean what he was doing, Tom.

It was a stupid mistake.

He was drunk.

He's not coming tomorrow night.

No, he's not. I will tell him that.

This will never, ever happen again.

I promise.

I really wish you hadn't told me that.

I'm sorry.

Is this going to happen?

Yes.

It's going to happen.

Because it's fine if it's not.

Yeah, it's going to happen.

It's about to happen.


Did you just fake orgasm?

No. He kissed me, Tom!

Okay, you know what'? That is a cop out.

That is not fair.

Yes, he may have been the one who kissed you, but there is a reason that he felt like that was an option.

You know that's the truth.

I'm going to go sleep on the couch.

Tom.

Tom, come on.

Okay, no, you want to know something? For the record, I did fake that orgasm.

And I bet you probably couldn't even tell. That's right.

Men can do it, too. Hurts, doesn't it?

I'm going to sleep out front.

Don't.

You're not the boss of me.

I'm really proud of you guys.

I'm really glad you're finally doing it. Yes. You're doing it.

We're finally here, we made it.

Hey, hey, don't cancel.

No, please don't cancel.

Tom. You know.

You've got 24 hours left. You've got just 24 hours to get through.

And you could be as happy as we are.

Yeah. We're so happy.

I love you. I love you.

You drive me fucking crazy.

Oh, God! Oh, fuck.

I don't care who's watching. I got a huge boner.

Hey, everyone.

Tom, you're so lucky, because Violet is like a princess.

You know when you're a little kid and you see Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty or whatever, and you're like, "I want to fuck that."

You get to.

I think that came out wrong.

In my head, it...

It sounded sweeter in my head. Does that make...

I'm an alcoholic.

I just wanted to say that I've only known Violet and Tom for a short while, but their union is a real mitzvah.

And it is my great hope that they raise their children in the Jewish faith, so that they, too, may continue our Zionist struggle against the Arab.

We must continue our fight against their murderous ways!

Do not give up the settlements!

Next year in Jerusalem!

That's enough for the toasts.

Let's just start the dancing. Let's get dancing.


Psst! Hey, Tom.

What are you doing here?

Tom, I...

I've come to apologize.

My behavior was totally uncalled for.

Honestly, it was abhorrent.

But we are going to be here for a long time and I just don't want this thing hanging between us.

You should run.

Hey, Vi.

LI\/in?

What's going on?

Well, now I have to beat the shit out of Winton.

Ready? No.

Here it comes. Okay.

Tom, don't. Tom, Tom, Tom! Here we go.

Do not beat up Winton!

Tom!

Stop this, Tom!

This is ridiculous!

You better keep running.

I'm going to kick your ass!

I said I'm sorry!

You will never get away from me. I'm a hunter.

Can't we at least stop and have a rest?

I never rest!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Tom!

I'm sorry, are you okay?

Why?

Fuck.

Tom? Tom.

Tom. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey!

Let me help you. Come on.

Okay! Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.

Tom, I'm sorry, that was instinct. Listen, are you okay?

Breathe, just breathe, breathe in.

It will go away. Okay?

I'm sorry, Tom.

I really am. Yeah?

How could you do this to me?

I haven't done anything to you.

Violet did something to you, not me.

If a woman wants to kiss me, I'm going to fucking kiss her.

Underneath all that polite bullshit, we're all running on caveman software.

If she's got a husband or a fiancé or a boyfriend, it's on her conscience, not mine.

You should run.

Look, Tom, this is ridiculous. Let's just put a stop to this now.

Please. Come on, I'm sorry.

I really am.

Winton, if you feel bad about what you did, then you'll run from me.

Well, okay, I'll keep running.

I'm off. Sorry.

Okay, I gave you a head start.

You better run.

Oh, tricky.

You gotta be kidding me.

Ah!

Tom!

Ah!

Tom?

Margaret.

He)! He)'

Guys, this is Tom.

We work together.

You want to go get some food?

I got the keys to Zingerman's.

Come in. Shh!

Oh, my God, I'm going to hit the City Goat wicked hard.

I would eat that.

I'm so hungry.

What have you got? The potato salad?

I'm drunk, dude.

Yeah, me, too.

Look. Oh, man, holy shit.

Oh!

Tell me you haven't fantasized about that.

Actually, I haven't.

Mmm! That's really good.

You taste the fennel pollen?

There's Marrakech pepper in there, too.

And smoked paprika.

No, wait, now me. Do me.

What are you doing?

Come on.

This is weird.

Right? Yeah.

Wait, you got a little...

You got a little bit right there.

I think it's everywhere. Wait.

Just a little.

I think you're cute.

This is really silly.

You're going to... Well, don't take my...

I don't want to be... Whoa!

Wait. Wait.

No, hold on. We should wait about that.

Hang on, look.

Stop and think about this before... Oh, fuck me!

Sriracha!

No, no, no! It's hot pepper.

Oh, my God! Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Oh, shit! Here. Come here, cheese helps.

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Shit, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay.

I don't...

Here, just do it.

I have an idea. I have an idea. What?

You ready? What are you doing?

Excuse me, sir. Could you please pass the Grey Poupon?

I totally just thought of that.

Well, I mean, I thought of it, like, the other night.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Are you okay?


Oh, no.

Violet. I didn't mean to do that.

Violet.

I'm sorry. I didn't want to do that.

You fucking idiot.

The cold makes you have a baby dick.

Oh, God, what's happening? Where am I?

Sir, sir, can you help me? I'm frozen.

Oh, God, what's happening?

My toe! God, my toe!

Hi.

I did something really bad last night.

Yeah.

Tarquin brought your pants back to the hospital, so I kind of put two and two together, you know.

I'm sorry I keep smiling.

I know what's happening is so bad, but I'm on all of this Percocet.

I'm not happy-

I know that.

Neither am I.

I'm just not the man that I want to be right now.

I don't think I can be the husband that you need me to be right now.

I think I've made you very, very unhappy here.

You know, and I don't know how to make it right anymore.

Almost perfect for each other.

Sorry.

Sorry.


Bye.

This smells incredible.

Hey. Thank you.

You're like the king of the kitchen. Oh.

Dinner is served.

Thank you.

Cheers. Cheers.

Happy Thanksgiving, darling.

Oh, thank you.

This is so exciting, being together.

Every summer, we'll have eight weeks off, which we can spend in my lodge in Nova Scotia, where we can work on our papers.

And then, every seven years we'll have a sabbatical, which we can enjoy in Wales on my family's farm.

That's a lot of planning.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm sorry.

Bon appétit.

Thank you.

All right, dig in.

I am ravenous.

Oh, man.

Baby, that meal was amazing.

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

What do you want to do now?

I don't know, it's Thanksgiving and I'm stuffed.

I thought maybe we could just hang out here and have a kind of mellow evening.

Yeah, I love a mellow evening.

Yeah!

Go faster, faster! Come on!

I'm trying. No!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't like that.

I could just do this forever. Yeah.

I just need a break. Okay.

I need a break. Okay.

Go fucking faster, Tom!

Tom, be more Indian than that.

Let's paint. Let's paint.

What?

Let's paint. Let's paint. Let's paint.

I don't understand... We're making art together.

But why do we need goggles?

This is a new level of our relationship.

This feels dumb.

We've reached a plateau.

This feels dumb.

We have unfinished business. Is this about revenge?

I'm so bored.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you, too, Audrey.

I love you.

Please stop doing that to my face.

Why? I just want to see your eyes, they're so pretty.

Tom, that was really aggressive.

I'm sorry.

Apology accepted. I forgive you.

Okay.

Okay.

Babe, really, honestly...

It's, like, raw down there at this point. I gotta sleep.

Faster!

Tommy, go faster! Fuck.

Oh, my God, Tom!


Hey, Violet, happy birthday. Just thinking of you.

Looks like the Michigan psych department has been busy.

I found this on the Internet.

Not sure if you're aware of it.

Anyways, hope all is well. Love, Tom.

You just go to sleep, and then upon completion of the experiment, you will receive $35 check.

The subject is asleep.

Time for the experiment. Let's see what happens.

Pour blood all over his body.

Cover his body in feathers.

It's time to put a gun in his hand.

Oh, my God!

Now, the final step.

I'm going to yell, "Wake up!" inside of his ear.

Let's see what happens.

Wake up!

Oh, my God!

You motherfucker!

No, no, help! No, please!

What the fuck? You motherfucker!

How we doing over here?

Nice work, Jay.

Let me take over for a little bit, I want to hang out with these nice people.

Tommy boy!

Yo, what's up, buddy?

Hear my Maserati broke down?

No, really? Yeah.

You think I could get a tow?

All right, Alex, I have no toe, okay?

We get it. Thank you.

No toe.

He has terrible balance.

Yo, phone call, is that cool?

Totally.

Toe-tally.

Violet. Hi.

Hey, happy birthday.

Thank you.

Wow, it's nice to hear from you.

Yeah, you, too.

It's been a long time, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a long time.

Yeah.

Is everything good?

Everything's good. Yeah, yeah.

How's... How's you?

How's Winton?

He's good.

How's Audrey?

She's, you know, it's the same old Audrey.

Same "old" Audrey.

On. Right.

Because she's a baby.

She is a child.

How about Winton?

Is it fun to have sex with a 100-year-old man? Ha-ha!

Oh, don't do that.

I got it. You're right.

Hey, I have a fun birthday game.

Okay. Feel like playing a game?

Yeah. Depends. Okay.

Like, what was the actual moment when you knew that things were over?

Let's not do that.

I mean, I know I left a loaded crossbow on the kitchen table.

Yeah, you did do that.

I hooked up with a co-worker...

And then you ate the old donut.

What did you say about a donut?

I didn't, I just said...

It doesn't matter.

What?

I think it's going to sound really stupid when I say it out loud. Okay. Um...

You know that experiment that I initiated, which was based on the fact that people who ate old donuts had emotional deficiencies and problems with commitment?

And, you know, the results were very accurate with it.

And so when I saw you, um, really going to town on a plate of old donuts, it...

It freaked me out.

Tom?

Hello?

I think that that is, like, the dumbest thing that I have ever heard.

You know what? I never said anything, but your entire premise is bullshit.

Okay? And would you like to know why?

Because these imaginary new donuts that you offer people, they may never arrive.

Okay, they're not real.

And me, personally, I am not the type of person who wants to sit around and wait for something that might never arrive when they know that the thing they have in front of them is...

It's tasty!

It's good, okay? And you know what?

It's not about the age of the donut, it's about the flavor. Boom.

And you know the other thing? The new donuts, they're going to get stale someday, too.

And this is exactly what I did not want to happen when I sent that email.

I think I should just go.

Yeah, no. Yeah, you should go.

You're clearly very upset and...

I don't even know what I said.

Everything just turned red.

It's so hot back here.

It's why people are always fighting in the Middle East.

It's just, you get so hot.

Tom, I'm going to go, okay?

Yeah.

Happy birthday.

Okay.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Ls somebody crying?

Sorry.

Dude, what's up?

I don't know what I'm doing, dude.

I just got off the phone with Violet. And I just feel fucking...

I don't know.

I don't know how I ended up here.

Can I be honest with you?

You shouldn't be here working in my restaurant, man.

You should be running your own restaurant.

You're a better chef than me, you always have been.

Everybody here knows it.

Tom, you're fired.

I'm firing you.

Pack your knives and go.

That's Top Chef.

Yeah, that's Top Chef. Yeah.

Seeing you chop onions is depressing.

It's like watching Michael Jordan take a shit.

He could probably get it in the toilet from, like, 30 feet away.

Three-pointer from the living room.

Nothing but porcelain.

Poosh.

Poosh. Poosh.

I think about 13 miles to the gallon, city, 15, highway.

There's a bit of blood spatter in the back.

I think it's haunted.

Great crash rating, though.

So, what are you going to be using it for?

Food service.

Oh, buddy.

All right, we're going to need two more venison.

Sorry for the holdup, everybody.

How's my taco coming? We good?

Let's get it.

Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow? All right.

I just want you to know, I've had tacos in Oahu.

I've had tacos in Baja.

I've had tacos in Port-au-Prince.

I've had tacos in Buenos Aires.

I've even had tacos in Guatemala.

These are the best motherfucking tacos I have ever had.

You're a white guy. You make tacos like a Mexican.

Thanks.

Give me a hug.

Oh, really?

Give me a hug, now!

All right.

Mmm! You smell like a taco.

Okay, can we get those tacos ready?

As you know, we have a sufficiency of qualified candidates for a position in your department, but you got it. Congratulations.

You're being promoted to assistant professor, tenure track. Congratulations.

Holy shit!

Sorry, that was really inappropriate, it's just...

Shoot, I am so thrilled. Thank you.

Congratulations. Professor Walch.

Bravo, bravo. Thank you, Professor.

Fudge.

Wonderful.

Doug?

Hey.

Heard your news. Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah.

Where are you going?

Uh... On my way to University of North Dakota.

Oh! Well, that's good.

Yeah. No, no, it's great. I'm excited.

I'm going to be a pioneer.

I'm going to be the first black guy to freeze to death.

It's going to be cool. Yeah, I'm pumped up about it.

Cool. Yeah.

It's just like that song. I get knocked down, except I get up again in North Dakota, which is the worst place on Earth.

I'm sorry.

You know what? I'm overreacting. It's going to be great.

And I couldn't keep up with you and Winton. I couldn't compete, so...

What do you mean by that?

I mean, come on, you know what I mean.

I don't.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, well, it's not really like that.

Uh... No, it's a fact.

Yeah, well, that's not why I got the...

Ah. A little bit.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey. Here she is.

So, congratulations.

Thank you.

She got the job? Motherfucker! Shh!

It's very exciting.

How long do you think I have to decide, you know, whether to take it or not?

Sorry, I don't understand the question.

Oh, the position.

I'm just wondering how long I've got to decide on whether I should take it.

Well, you have to take it. You've got no choice.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Did I get the job because I deserved it or did I get it because you're trying to keep me here?

You got it because you deserved it.

Okay. So, I was the strongest candidate.

Of course you were.

Okay, we should not be watching this.

You're right, we shouldn't.

I mean, these things are inherently subjective, but I certainly feel that we made the right choice, yes.

I think I just need you to say "yes" or "no" as to whether I was the strongest candidate.

Well, why does it matter so much?

Because it matters to me. You know, I want to deserve to be here.

Was I the best?

Who's to say who's the best or the worst?

I'm better than she is.

No, you're not. It goes Violet, me, you, then Doug.

What do these labels even mean?

Look, just answer me. Did I deserve the job or did I get it because you're trying to keep me here?

It's very simple, Winton.

Violet, why don't you trust me?

If you make me answer that question, you're violating our unspoken agreement of faith.

What does that mean? What are you talking about?

Well, the question itself is an accusation.

And I, personally, refuse to answer an illogical question.

Thanks, Spock.

Spock.

That's a good one. Yeah. That's a good one.

I mean, it seems that your refusal to answer means that it's true.

I'll tell you who's the best.

Ming.

Yes! I knew it.

I'm the best, I'm the best.

What the fuck?

Ming is the best.

So, you cheated to get me the job.

So what if I cheated to get the woman I love to stick around?

I have a question.

Would you have even considered my donut experiment if Doug had suggested it?

Of course not.

WOW!

Wow. Okay.

In a way, Ming, it's like their whole relationship was the donut experiment.

Nice. Thank you.

Fine, fine, fine.

There will be new students next year.

There's always a new Violet.

Oh, no! Oh!

He did not.

Um... Oh.

This was... Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Turn off the light. Turn off the light, turn off the light.

Violet.


These pancakes are delicious. Mmm.

They put a cinnamon glaze. They're dreamy.

You shouldn't be eating them.

It's good.

It's why we're here. We're here to eat, right?

So, um, how about Violet? How is she doing?

I don't know. You know?

She still with that professor guy?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

What are you doing, Tom?

I'm just... I'm trying to eat my breakfast, Ma.

I mean with Violet, and you know it. Three grandparents are gone.

Your grandparents, long gone. You know who goes next, don't you?

Us. We go next. Jesus, Dad.

Please don't do this, guys.

He's not kidding. Not kidding.

He's on three different heart medications.

That's right. Three of them. Mmm-hmm.

What are you talking about? Since when?

Since my last heart attack.

Dad, you had a heart attack?

I had two, actually.

The last one was right after Mom's cancer scare.

A cancer scare? What are you...

Why didn't you guys tell me any of this?

Well, we didn't want to bother you.

No. It wasn't your affair.

Well, is there anything else you guys haven't told me?

Well, what else have we...

There's a lot we haven't told you, darling. We don't share everything.

Your mother was...

She was briefly hospitalized for emotional issues.

Well, yes, that's true.

Yeah.

We told you we were in a timeshare on Sanibel Island.

Wait, you guys have gone there, like, four times.

Well, at least one of the times, we weren't really there.

I had vaginal reconstruction surgery last year.

That stuff really works.

And that's why we don't share everything with our children.

I think I understand why I have communication issues.

Thank you. Ma.

Maybe you should slow down on the Bloody Marys.

I don't think you need any more.

Oh. Let her have it.

You're going to tell me what to do? No.

Let her have a drink.

I am going to ask you again. What are you doing with Violet?

You're being dumb.

You are being so fucking dumb, you idiot.

You love Violet. I love Violet, your father loves Violet and you're letting her go?

Fuck you, you dummy.

Wow.

Since when do you talk like this?

It's not funny, Tom.

Okay, fine.

What are you doing?

Look, we're not 100% right for each other.

And so, there's nothing to be said.

I got news for you, moron, your father and I, we're not even 90% right for each other.

Not even 60, okay? But he's the love of my life.

And right now, the love of your life is going to fly away and I bet somewhere in the back of your mind, you're thinking that she'll always be there if you want to try again, but you know what? She won't, because she's the goddamned best!

And some lucky guy is going to make it work with her no matter what.

Instead of settling for some 23-year-old airhead who probably doesn't know who the fucking Beatles are.

Had to be said.

Hi, I missed you today.

That's nice.

Listen, I need to Talk to you about something, Audrey.

What's behind those eyes, Tom?

My ex-fiancée has been on my mind a lot and I feel like that's something I need to explore.

Well, she's an old bitch! There.

I just explored it for you. Done?

It's hard to have this conversation with you.

You need to explore it, Tom?

You were with her for five fucking years. That's a really long time.

What else is there to learn about her?

Oh, God!

I don't really know the answer to that, but I just think I need to find out.

What are you thinking? You're so stupid.

You're so stupid. You're going to leave me?

You're going to leave this?

For saggy tits and a loose vagina? Really?

Oh, God!

I'm sorry to do this to you.

Shut the fuck up.

You know what? You should just go, Tom.

Just go. Go have fun. Have fun with your old woman.

Go fucking read at night together.

You can go through menopause together.

And you can go get your little prostates checked.

Check each other for lumps all the time and do those kinds of things together.

And then go get some Crocs, so your back doesn't hurt.

And then you can go walk on the beach and fuck each other with your gross, wrinkly balls.

That's another thing. You're getting fucking fat.

It's really hard to have sex with someone when you can't breathe underneath them.

Can't breathe! Like, I feel like I'm going to die every time.

You should leave. I'm going to say mean things.

Bye

He makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside still waters.

He shall refresh my soul and guide me in the path of righteousness...

You're my good one.

I am so mad, Alex, when you say that.

At least I'm not the one failing as a parent.

It's all right. It's all right.

Give him a couple Vicodin.

Wow. Hi. Hi.

Hello. Hello, Gideon.

Didn't expect to see you.

Just came to say goodbye properly.

To my grandmother or...

Yeah. We actually grew pretty close towards the end.

Oh, yeah?

So, how are you and Tom? Any kids yet?

Mmm...

No. Tom and I split up a little while ago, so...

Oh! I'm sorry.

It has been four years, of course.

Hmm?

Nothing. I... No, go on. What?

"Four years, of course" what? Doesn't make sense.

That's what you do.

Is it? Is it what I do? Well, let me just tell you something.

Tom and I split up because it wasn't working.

Not because we weren't perfect enough for each other.

Not because I had him on a four-year timeline.

Okay'? So don't...

Um...

This is my daughter.

Sorry.

She's four.

This is what four looks like.

Hello. What's your name?

Violet.

Regret calling her that now.

Keep meaning to changed it, but it's a lot of paperwork.

And I don't want to confuse her.

Come on, darling. Let's go and look at the coffin.

Tom.

Hi.

I'm just realizing now, it might be totally inappropriate for me to just show up like this but Alex and Suzie told me what happened.

I'm so sorry about Grandma Katherine.

She was sort of the only person in your family who was ever nice to me.

And I just felt like I should come.

But if that's inappropriate, or weird at all, I can totally go back to the hotel or take a tour of the Tower of London, or something.

No, no, it's not. It's...

It's really nice to see you.

It's nice to see you, too.


So, what do we do now?

Fall semester doesn't start until August 14th.

I know that this sounds crazy, but why don't you just come back to San Francisco with me?

You could see your sister and we could spend a couple of weeks together.

We don't have to worry about what it means.

Then we'll go our separate ways.

Okay.

Just, separately, like, I think it's time to take down the Wham! posters.

Yeah?

Whoo!

Thank you.


I'm getting all pieces that are here.

Here, use these ones.

Oops! Ooh...

We lost a tower. Oh, no, the tower.

That's it.

So, you know I'm keeping Tom company this week, right?

Yeah.

Alex keeps him company without also having sex with him.

I assume.

What does that mean?

Mommy, do Elmo voice.

Elmo thinks you should do what you feel is right.

Well, I don't really know what I think is right. I think I'm just...

You know, time will tell, I think.

Elmo thinks time will tell.

Would you mind not doing that Elmo voice?

'Cause really, you're repeating back what I'm saying.

Honestly, Elmo thinks you should shit or get off the pot.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Aunt Violet, do Cookie Monster.

Me think that's a really rude thing to say, Elmo.

Elmo say it been five years, almost five years.

You either love him, or you don't.

Me love him, but it's very complicated.

Cookie doesn't get everything handed to him on a fucking silver platter like Elmo.

Cookie got the career he wanted.

Tom moved to Michigan so Cookie could work.

Okay. Elmo wanted to be a kinesiologist and instead, Elmo is cleaning puke off her shirt every day.

Well, maybe as nice as these little Elmos are, Elmo should have considered using protection.

"C" is for condom. That's good enough for me.

Elmo is very happy with Elmo's little Elmos, okay?

Elmo would just like a break once in a while.

Fine. Elmo never gets a break.

This is fine. But this is precisely why Cookie wants to take the time to consider if he's picked the right cookie for his life.

Well, maybe Elmo thinks there is no right cookie.

You just pick one and take a bite.

Sorry.

Elmo is sorry, too.

Whose was better?

Mommy's better.

The worst choice you can make is no choice at all.

Okay? Snack time! Time for a snack.

Huh? It's time for a snack.

My favorite! Just kidding. I love you both.

Come get a snack.

What time is your flight?

Um... 1235.

This is stupid. What are we doing?

What do you mean?

I drive a taco truck.

Okay? I can work anywhere, and it's just ridiculous.

It's stupid for us not to give this another shot.

Because I love you so much.

And I'm not going to let you go.

Do you remember the day that we first met?

The New Year's Eve party.

Yeah, how can I forget?

Do you remember how a year later, we made that list of what our marriage would be like?

We were going to have 50 kids.

If I recall, we settled on 25.

We did settle on 25.

That was so dumb.

Okay, I'm going to need you to pull off on this exit.

Why?

Just pull over on this exit over here.

No, we can just...

Tom, you're going to miss it! Quick. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What are you doing? Sorry. I'm sorry.

It was just imperative that we stopped at the exit. Well, why?

Because I'm trying to propose to you.

I don't think that we can figure out all of our problems before we get married.

And I'm pretty sure we'll have some after.

But I promise you that I will just love you every step of the way.

So, yes or no?

I was going to re-propose to you when we got to the airport.

You were? Tom.

Oh, Tom.

I love it.

It's a ruby.

What do you say?

What do you say? I asked you first.

You've made me, like, the happiest girl in the world.

Okay, I'm going to need you to go off to Alamo Square now.

What are you talk...

I'm going to need you to go to Alamo Square please, babe.

What are you talking about?

Babe, please, just do it.

Don't think about it. Just drive.

Do you have, like, a thing planned?

Hey, what are you doing? Did you come to pick up the receipts?

Did you buy it?

Yes, he bought it.

I can't believe this.

I told you he would.

What is going on?

Here. Come on! This way, babe.

We're on site. "On site"?

Okay, we have some fast decisions to make.

Do you want a string quartet, or a New Orleans brass band?

What about synthesizer dude?

Oh, I have no idea who that is. He must have just shown up.

Oh. New Orleans brass band.

New Orleans brass band. All right!

Okay, do you want Jewish, Christian, extreme Christian, Buddhist, Justice of the Peace?

Justice of the Peace. Justice of the Peace.

Oh, my God!

Okay, tuxes, I've got three tuxes.

Standard, vintage, Hawaiian casual?

Uh... Vintage. Vintage.

Dad!

No time. No time.

All right now. Get them off.

Dad, protect me.

Whoo! Mum! Suzie.

Mum, I think I need to step into it.

Come on, Sylvia.

All right, all right, I'm going to drop the sheet in three, two, one. Drop it.

No, no. Not me. Just wait until the wedding.

Right. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Okay, of course.

Okay. Oh, Mum, my hair.

Hair on the move. Hair on the move.

Spin around, Dad. Here's the ring.

Is it done, Mum?

Yes, it's beautiful.

Ready? Yeah.

Ready? One, two, three. One, two, three.

There we go.

Wow.

Beautiful.

Okay. Okay.

I love you, darling. I love you, Mum.

Love you. Love you.

Bye, Dad.

Thank you.

You should get down there.

You must be out of your mind.

I'm never letting go of this hand again.

Come on.


It has been a longer trip for Tom and Violet than it has for most couples.

And yet the very nature of...

You know what? You can just... Just, you can skip it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's two minutes to midnight.

Got anyone to kiss at New Year's?

Is that the best you've got?

Kind of.

Do you? Yes.

Do you? Yes.

You may kiss the bride.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, yay! Yay!

I'm proud of you!

Mom!

Whoo!

You finally did it, you fucking assholes!

I love you.

We love you guys, too.

In fact, it makes us