The Flintstones S4E6 Script

The Flintstone Canaries (1963)

Fred, it's chilly in here.

In fact, it's freezing.

Brr! Oh, it's cold!

Fred, will you please turn up the heat?

It feels like we're back in the Ice Age.

Wilma, the Ice Age isn't due for another 30,000 years.

Even Dino's freezing!

[shivering]

Okay, Wilma, okay.

If you want to run up a big fuel bill, I'll accommodate you.

Being cold is all in the mind.

There, I put it up to 20.

All right, all right, I get the message. Throw another log on the fire.

Mm. That's better.

Well, time for bed, Pebbles. Kiss Daddy goodnight.

Goodnight, precious. Sleep tight.

[yapping]

[Wilma] Say goodnight to Fred too, Dino.

Down, boy! Down! Heel! Heel!

Yuck! Cut it out, you mixed-up mutt!

[screeches]

Yabba-dabba-doo.

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones They're the modern Stone Age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history ♪

♪ Let's ride with the family down the street Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet ♪

When you're with the Flintstones

♪ Have a yabba-dabba-doo time, A dabba-doo time ♪

We'll have a gay old time

[man] Well, Mr. Flintstone, Mr. Rubble, ready for your workout?

Sure, Mr. Stoney. What do we do first?

Yeah, like, uh, what's easy? [laughs]

First, we begin with some calisthenics.

Now, do as I do. One, two.

One, two.

[grunting]

How's this? Splendid!

Now a couple of these toe-touchers. One, two.

One, two.

And then the other side.

One, two. One, two.

Next, twist right. Turn left.

Ha, ha! You're doing fine. A little faster, now.

Stretch, turn, twist!

Stretch, turn, twist!

There we are. Now, wasn't that easy?

I'd hate to have to do the hard stuff.

Now, you men continue to work out and when you're through, I'll give you a rubdown.

Hey, uh, how about a little shadow-boxing?

Good idea, Barn. It'll loosen us up.

You know, I used to be pretty good with my dukes.

Never lost to my shadow yet. Heh-heh-heh.

[groans]

A comedian, huh, Barney?

Now laugh that off!

What did I do?

Ah.

Here's something my speed: a punching bag.

Ow!

What's that thing for, Barney?

It's called a medicine boulder.

You strengthen your stomach muscles by bouncing it off your tummy.

Here.

That does it. I've had enough. I'm going for my rubdown.

I wonder if this will strengthen my head muscles.

Just relax, Mr. Flintstone.

One of our expert masseurs will rub you down.

Rocky, take over!

Oh, boy, this rubdown's gonna feel good.

Huh?

[Rocky grunting]

If this guy's an expert, I'm glad I didn't get an amateur.

[Fred grunting and groaning]

Help!

Now I know what a pizza feels like.

Nothing like a refreshing workout, huh, Fred?

I don't know, Barney, I'm beat.

I think I'd rather be fat and pudgy.

Come on, let's go home.

Hiya, Wilma. I'm home.

Be with you shortly, dear. Okay, Wilma.

Meanwhile, I'll pursue my favorite hobby:

Watching TV.

Oh, these old-time sets are murder.

Where are those rabbit ears?

Hey!

[snoring]

Come on, come on, on your feet!

There we go.

Nah, picture's too fuzzy.

Uh-uh. Too bright.

Ah! Not enough contrast.

There, now the picture's perfect.

I know I look ridiculous. But it's a living.

Hi!

The gang and I have been waiting for you.

So why don't you hum along with us?

[all humming]

It's the Hum Along with Herman Show!

For people who don't know the words.

[humming continues and Fred hums]

Oh-ho, boy, I love this program. Makes you feel so intelligent.

Hey, Wilma, come on, it's Hum Along With Herman.

Hum Along? I'm hurrying! Don't let them start without me.

Oh! Oh, I forgot to sing you a lullaby.

♪ Lullaby and goodnight La-la-la ♪

[humming]

Goodnight, Pebbles.

The Soft Soap Company, makers of the world's softest soap...

Yuck! Just smear some on and you'll be all washed-up.

Presents Mr. Hum Along Herman himself!

Hum, hum, hum!

Hi, all you hummers!

We have a great show for you tonight!

But first, let me tell you about our exciting new barbershop quartet contest.

A barbershop quartet contest? Hey, that's a great idea!

Yes, sirree, gang, I'm inviting all the Bedrock barbershop quartets to audition for the show!

Those accepted will appear next week.

And now, listen to this!

The winners will receive...

An imported sports car with motor in the rear.

[TV audience oohs and aahs]

Close the door, it's cold!

- Sorry. It's all right!

Oh, boy, one horsepower.

And for the wives of the winners, this stylish, fully let-out wooly mammoth.

[Wilma] What a coat!

There's nothing like a fully let-out wooly mammoth!

Also included in the prizes is this sensational new automatic dishwasher.

And for you golfers... a complete set of matched clubs from a putting pebble... to a driving boulder.

Wow, that's what I call a powerful club! [laughs]

And for you music lovers... the latest stereo record player...

[music plays over speakers] - With automatic record changer.

[jazz music playing] What an age we live in!

Yeah! What'll they think of next?

And for the grand prize, a fabulous tropical vacation!

The winning quartet and their families will be flown by Pterodactyl Airlines.

That's right, folks, Pterodactyl will fly you non-stop to that famous Pacific paradise, Boulder Beach.

Glamorous, romantic, Boulder Beach.

Swimming, boating, and the best fishing in the world!

Now, that's what I call fishing!

Wilma, start packing! I'm gonna win that contest.

Fred, you don't even belong to a barbershop quartet.

A mere technicality. I'll form my own.

In fact, I'll phone the boys now to see who can sing.

I'll start with Barney.

4, 1, 23, 7, 86, 0, 18, 2, 5.

Boy, I'm sure glad they simplified the dialing system.

Hi, Freddy boy! What's cooking?

Plenty, Barney. I want to see you right away.

Sure, Fred, I'd like to see you too. Good. Come right over.

Be there in a jiffy, Fred.

Barney! Fred!

All right, all right. Don't you ever think of knocking?

[both laugh]

Hey, listen, Barn, how's your singing voice?

Oh, it's lovely, Fred.

Uh, matter of fact, I'm soloing tonight.

Soloing? Where?

In my bathtub, every Tuesday and Saturday. [laughs]

Why?

Fred's entering a barbershop quartet contest.

Yeah, and I'm looking for guys with talent.

I'll test your voice. Look. Come on, we'll start with the scale.

Oh, sure, the scale. Uh...

Let's see, I know the melody, but I'm not sure about the words.

It goes:

Do-re-mi...

Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah!

Do-re-mi-fa-so...

Ahem.

Uh, do-re-mi-fa-so... [voice cracking]

[wailing]

Thank you, Barney, and as they say in show biz: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

Oh, boy!

We'll rehearse for the singing contest after lunch.

Now, where's that noon whistle?

[snoring]

Hm. Twelve o'clock.

[mouse squeaking]

Huh? [trumpets]

Okay, lunchtime! Knock it off!

Wonder what kind of sandwich Wilma made for me.

Oh, no, fish again!

I'll skip lunch and start with the rehearsal.

Okay, group, time to exercise our tonsils.

Aren't you gonna give us time for lunch? I'm starved.

Me too, Fred.

I'm all set to eat this delectable hardboiled henasaurus egg.

[chick squawking]

I guess you didn't boil it long enough.

Look, fellas, if we're gonna win that Hum Along contest, we gotta practice, practice and more practice.

Ten minutes should do it. We'll start with "Stoney River."

"Stoney River," huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I like the old hits.

Everybody set?

Yeah, except we can't read music.

Well, that's okay. Fake it.

You know, like the big singing stars do.

Now, uh, let me give you the right pitch.

[squawks]

Perfect!

Now you guys hum the intro to my solo.

Your solo?

Of course, you gotta have a soloist.

A-One, a-two, a-three.

[humming in harmony]

Not bad, boys. You need work, but not bad!

Well, here goes.

Way down upon the Stoney River

Far, far away

There's where my heart is turning ever

There's where the old folks stay

All up and down the whole creation

Sadly I roam

[Fred wailing and rocks tumbling]

[foreman] Avalanche!

Avalanche!

Out of the pit!

Everybody, out of the pit!

Come on, Fred!

♪ ... Plantation

And for the old folks at home

[muffled singing continues]

Everywhere I roam... ♪

Ah, buck up, Fred. Anybody can cause a catastrophe.

We dug you out, didn't we?

I was thinking about that audition. We'll never make it with my voice.

True. But none of us can sing the lead either.

Hey, you passed my corner!

Sorry, Joe, I should have put in safety belts.

Yeah, that's a good thought, Fred.

See you tomorrow.

Well, that's the way the bouncing ball bounces.

No lead voice, no barbershop quartet.

[man singing] ♪ Figaro, figaro, figaro Hey, that's what I call a voice!

Figaro, figaro, figaro Ha, ha. That's Barney.

Whenever he gets a new record, he's gotta play it for the whole neighborhood!

Okay, Barn, very nice. Now turn down that darn... Huh?

Figaro, figaro, figaro

[sneezes]

Being a bath brush is a nice clean job, but the soap makes me sneeze!

Barney, is that really you?

Well, I hope so, Fred. I was me when I got in the tub.

I'm talking about your voice.

Oh, my voice.

Figaro, figaro, figaro Incredible! What note was that?

Uh, high H. Very few people can hit it.

Uh, now listen to this note.

[inaudible]

I don't hear anything.

[dogs barking]

It's, uh, such a high note, only dogs can hear it.

Okay, fellows, the recital is over. Beat it!

[barking continues]

Barney, you have just won yourself a job as soloist with the Flintstone Canaries!

The what?

The Flintstone Canaries. My barbershop quartet.

We're entering the Hum Along with Herman contest.

You be at my house tonight for rehearsal.

But wait, Fred! Uh, I can't sing with you! You see...

All I see is that free trip to Boulder Beach.

Now, get your clothes on, soloist.

Oh, sorry, Fred, I can't sing with you.

You'll sing or you'll get this! Get it?

Oh, yeah, I get it. Uh...

Figaro, figaro, figaro

Tomorrow's the audition, so let's get to work.

I don't know, Fred, you think we're ready to perform in public?

We haven't practiced enough.

Relax, relax. Barney's voice will carry us.

Wait'll you hear him. He'll bring tears to your eyes.

[Sam] He sounds too good for us.

Nobody's too good for the Flintstone Canaries!

Correction. The Rubble Canaries.

The Rubble Canaries? Why not? I'm the lead, ain't I?

[clears throat]

Uh, may I have an A? An A?

[Barney] Okay, I'll settle for a B-plus.

Get in here!

Now, let's take it from the top.

"Stoney River." Go!

[humming in harmony]

Hit it, Barn!

[pitchy singing] ♪ Way down upon the Stoney River

Far, far away... You were right, Fred.

His voice does bring tears to the eyes. It's terrible.

I get it, Barney, you're trying to throw the song.

Now, where's the voice I heard in your house?

Still in the bathtub, Fred.

[Fred] What are you babbling about?

I tried to tell you, Fred, I'm just a bathtub tenor.

Out of the tub I can't sing a note. [Fred] That's for sure.

Hum Along Herman expects us to audition. Now what'll we do?

Simple, Fred, we invite Herman to my bathroom.

I'll get in the tub and...

Get out of here, you and the tub!

Hey.

Wait a minute, that gives me an idea!

I don't know, Fred. This whole business is kind of kooky.

Yeah, Herman's liable to toss us right out of the audition.

Now, don't worry. Everything'll be fine once he hears our soloist.

Huh, Barney? [gasps]

Oh, this tub's awful heavy, Fred.

What happens if my landlord finds it missing from the bathroom?

Forget your landlord! Just keep that tub rolling.

Okay. But I'm still not happy about taking a bath in front of an audience.

Uh-oh. Uh, I can't go through with it.

What's the matter now?

I forgot my bath brush!

Hey! The tub! It's getting away!

Look out! Runaway tub!

[signal chimes]

[Fred] Runaway tub!

Uh, wow, it must be one of them new compacts!

Oh, boy, from now on I stick to showers!

Hey, this is the parade route!

[whistles]

Stop in the name of the...

How do you like that? A hit-and-run bathtub!

[military parade music playing]

General, this is the most impressive military display I've ever witnessed.

Thank you, governor.

But wait until you see our new secret weapon.

It should be along any minute.

Look out!

I don't know what you call it, general, but I'm sure glad it's on our side.

[laughs] Hey, this isn't too bad. Have tub, will travel.

All it needs is a radio and a heater.

Uh-oh.

There goes another one of those middle-aged sports car nuts!

Yabba-dabba.

The shopping center, and I didn't even bring a list!

Coming through! Coming through!

Coming through! Coming through!

The name's Flintstone. Put it all on my bill.

Hey, you forgot your stamps!

I'll deliver them!

Fred. Don't worry, honey!

I just did the shopping for the whole year!

[crashing]

Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Wow, what an ugly dummy!

Boy, that was close!

Better hurry if I'm gonna make the audition.

[group humming]

What do you think of the audition so far, sir?

Well, they're okay if you like animal acts.

Frankly, Herman, the agency's a little worried about your show.

But my rating's gone up to -20.

Oh, it's not the rating.

It's our sponsor, Mr. Soft Soap.

He's getting tired of the same old commercial.

He wants something new and catchy.

Well, let's see what else we have.

Okay, next!

How do you do, gentlemen?

We are the Flintstone Canaries.

Oh, no! Not another trained animal act!

[humming in harmony]

All the world is sad and dreary

Everywhere I roam

Oh, darlin', how my heart grows weary

Far from the old folks at home

[humming continues] Ah!

Great! Wonderful! What do you think, sir?

They're just what we're looking for!

Congratulations, Flintstone!

Your group is sensational!

You mean we passed the audition?

Not only that. You're gonna be on next week's show.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

You hear that, Barney?

What do you say for yourself?

Get me out of this tub, will you? I'm freezing!

[sneezes]

[all laughing]

[group humming on TV]

I don't understand it. The boys said they'd be on TV tonight.

And Hum Along is almost over.

[song ends and TV audience applauds]

Well, that's it for tonight, gang.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

[humming in harmony]

Hum along, hum along, hum along Until next week, this is the Hum Along with Herman Show, reminding you to buy Soft Soap.

Soft soap because...

Da-da-dum-dum-dum!

♪ Soft Soap is the soap for you Soft Soap, Soft Soap

♪ Gentle for babies and brontosaurus too It prevents embarrassment ♪

[gasps] Good heavens, it's Barney and Fred!

[babbling]

Soft Soap in your bathtub

Use a great big hunk

♪ Better buy some Soft Soap quick Before they call you skunk ♪

Soft Soap, Soft Soap

Soft Soap

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones They're the modern Stone Age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history ♪

♪ Someday, maybe Fred will win the fight Then that cat will stay out for the night ♪

When you're with the Flintstones

♪ Have a yabba-dabba-doo time, A dabba-doo time ♪

We'll have a gay old time

We'll have a gay old time Wilma!