The Fortune Cookie (1966) Script



ANNOUNCER: Jim Brown scores for Cleveland.

Groza's kick is good.

And that's the end of the first quarter, with the score Cleveland Browns ten, Minnesota Vikings seven.

The lights have been turned on here at Municipal Stadium.

We had rain and sleet this morning, but the field was covered with a tarpaulin up until game time, so the footing down there is fairly good.

The teams have changed sides now and here comes the kickoff.




ANNOUNCER: Big Viking fullback brought down on the 28-yard line...

Camera two, cover the downfield pass pattern.

Camera four, move down to the line of scrimmage.


He only picked up a half yard, so now it's fourth down and a kicking situation.

Going in as the deep man for Cleveland, number 27, Walter Roberts, and number 44, Luther "Boom Boom" Jackson.

So far this season Boom Boom Jackson has averaged

28.7 yards on his punt returns.

He leads the League in that department.

Camera four, move to the 30-yard line and cover the punt.

Hinkle. Are you there, Hinkle?

Yeah. Yeah.

This is Hinkle.

Thirty-yard line. Roger.

How about some coffee out here for us...

With a little antifreeze in it?

(CHUCKLES) This way, Joe.



Looks like Boom Boom Jackson has not only racked up 55 yards but also one of our cameramen.



Harry. Harry!


I hope it isn't anything serious.

Now, while there's time-out on the field, let's take a look at the accident again on the CBS exclusive stop-action camera.


Come on.

Let's play ball.

Okay, let's go.

Red right X double wing 80, double screen-right to the fullback on 3.



Please, Mother, he'll be all right.

You suppose maybe it's something...internal?

How would I know? I'm a lawyer, not a doctor.


Jeffrey! Ginger! Cut that out. This is a hospital.

Let 'em. If they're gonna break a leg, this is the place to do it.


Ooh! I'm terribly sorry.

All my fault, Sister. I was just trying to...

I'm his brother-in-law, Sister. I see.

And this is his mother, Sister. And this is my wife, his sister, Sister.

How do you do?

We were sort of anxious to find out...

I understand, but it'll be a few more minutes.

Thank you, Sister. Ahh!

Shut up, Mother.

Poor Harry. He was always so brittle.

Remember when he fell off the garage?

Oh, Mother, not that old story again.

What story?

When they were kids in Toledo, he and Charlotte were playing paratrooper.

She pushed him off the roof.

I didn't push him. He jumped.

And anyway, he had an umbrella. Is it my fault if he forgot to open it?

Did he hurt himself?

Spent two months in bed.

He had a compressed vertebra!

Compressed vertebra, huh?

Hey, Dad, can we have a dime?


Can we have a dime? What for?

To put in that box.

It's for unwed mothers.


Unwed mothers, huh? Well, I'm for that.

Harry? (GASPS)

Harry, baby, how do you feel?

-(MOANING) It's me, Mama.

And Charlotte is here, and Willie and Ginger and Jeffrey.

Hi, sports fans.

How is he, Doc?

He has a mild concussion.

We've put him under sedation. He'll rest comfortably tonight.

This is Harry Hinkle on camera four.

He doesn't know his own mother.

Doc, any ruptures, broken bones, internal bleeding?

I don't think so. You don't think so?

How long you been out of medical school?

Five months.

That long, huh? Sir?

Okay, Louie, you pick up the band.

I'll pan with the pom-pom girls.


Let's go.

Wait a minute! Where are you taking him?

To the general ward.

Oh, no, you don't. I want a private room for him, and nurses around the clock.

Nothing is too good for my brother-in-law.

You better check with the admission office.

Don't let's have any of that red tape, Sister.

Take him upstairs.

How about the penthouse suite?

Now you're talkin', Doctor.


Hello, Uncle Harry. Hi.


They're not gonna cut him open, are they?

Shut up, Mother.

Charlotte, take her home. Take everybody home.

Aren't you coming? No.

What about dinner? To hell with it.

I'm not lettin' him out of my sight, not for a minute.

Jeffrey! Ginger! We're on our way.

We wanna skate some more.

You can play at home.

Yeah. Why don't you teach them that paratrooper game?

Cleveland Plain Dealer? Give me the city desk.

Hello. This is William H. Gingrich, attorney-at-law.

I represent Harry Hinkle.

The cameraman who was hurt at the game today?

Yes. Well, this may be of some interest to you.

I'm suing CBS, the Cleveland Browns, and the Municipal Stadium for one million dollars.

That's right, a million dollars.

Hinkle. H-I-N-K-L-E. St. Mark's Hospital.

He's very serious, and so am I.

Mr. Hinkle's room, what's the number?

Sorry. It's not visiting hours.

I thought maybe you could make an exception.

You see, I'm the guy that...

Oh, you're Mr. Jackson, aren't you?

Can I ask you something?


What do you think our chances are against the Philadelphia Eagles?

Because Sister Veronica wants 13 points.

You bet around here? Certainly.

I already owe her a Coke from last week.

Well, I can't say anything. It's against League regulations.

I could be suspended.

I understand. He's in 403, right down the corridor.

Thank you.

Give her 12 1/2 points.


Yes? This is Mr. Hinkle's room?

That's right.

How is he?

I called a couple times last night, but they wouldn't give me any information.

I wouldn't know about his condition. He's still asleep.


I guess I better wait outside.

You do that.

How about that guy?

Got some nerve showing up here.

You wouldn't have a razor on you, would you?

Whatever happened to all those beautiful nurses you see on television?


Would you mind leaving us alone for a little while?

I'd be delighted.


Morning, Harry.

How... How did I get here?

By stretcher and ambulance.

Oh, my head. What did they give me?

Whole gang of sleeping pills.

Where's the can? Forget it. You can't get out of bed.

What... I can't... Who says?

Hate to break it to you, kid, but you got a spinal injury.

What? Your left leg is numb, and you got no feeling in the first three fingers of your right hand.

You're crazy. I can move my hand and my leg.

Sure you can, if you wanna blow a million bucks.

What are you talking about?

That's what we're suing for.

They'll offer us $100,000. We settle for a quarter of a million.

I gotta go to the can.

Stay where you are. I'll bring it to you.

What are you tryin' to pull? I'm perfectly all right.

One thing I hate is a patient who makes his own diagnosis.

This is ridiculous. There's nothin' wrong with me.

That's what you think.

Not only can't you move your hand and your leg, but you had this concussion, so now you've got a ringing in your ears and double vision.

Double vision. How many of me do you see?

One. One cheap, chiseling, shyster lawyer who, of all people, had to marry my sister.

Nice talk. I'm handing you a quarter of a million dollars on a silver platter.

Don't want the money. Don't want the silver platter. I just...

What's the matter? You feel sorry for insurance companies?

They got so much money they don't know what to do with it.

They've run out of storage space. They have to microfilm it.

What's a quarter of a million to them?

They take it out of petty cash.

So don't give me with the scruples.


What is it?

The nurse said he was awake.

Look, pal, can't you read? We got a sick man here.

How sick is he? Nobody will tell me anything.

Why don't you just leave the flowers? I'll give 'em to him.

No, thanks. Maybe I could see him later?



They put you in these things just to humiliate you.


All right, where are my clothes? Why?

I'm checkin' outta here.

Checkin' out? Where do you think you are, in a Hilton Hotel?

You're not registered here, you're booked here.

You've got a number on your wrist.

What do I need? A reprieve from the governor?

No, a discharge from the doctor. Now, get back in bed.

Get in the bed! Okay!

But only because it's drafty and I got no pants.

Harry, puppy... How much do you make a week?

I mean, how much are you left with after withholding, supporting your mother, and paying alimony?

All right, so I owe you $60.

It's not that, Harry. It's not that.

It's just that I don't want my brother-in-law to be a nobody.

I want to see you in a fastback Mustang, Italian silk suits, a decent apartment, a go-go baby all the way!

Willie, I'm not gonna stand still for one of your phony whiplash cases.

Whiplash, nothing! We're going for all the marbles.

I wouldn't even lift a finger.

That's all you have to do, Harry, not lift a finger.

Think of your mother. Think of your mother, Harry.

Bronchitis every winter. She shouldn't be in Cleveland.

She should be in Florida baking her chest.

And your sister, 33 years old and never had a fur coat.

Then there's your nephew and your niece. They have to sleep in the same room.

You want them to wind up going to an analyst?

You want me to wind up going to jail?

That's negative thinking.

Sure, those insurance guys are tough and they're smart, but I'm just as tough and I know all their tricks.

They're gonna hit you with hammers, stick pins into you.

Not me!

All you have to remember is which nerves are damaged.

From the middle of your ring finger to your thumb, you're numb.

As for your leg... Don't lose yourself in details.

I don't care if they get a hundred doctors to examine you.

If you say that your back is killing you, they can't prove it isn't.

That's what we call pain and suffering, and the money you get for that is tax free.

What pain? What suffering?

Never can tell about a back injury.

You may think you're all right, but six months from now, you suddenly start having dizzy spells, muscle spasms, sciatica.

You can't work anymore. Then try to collect!

There's nothing wrong with my back if you'd just get off it!

-(DOOR OPENS) NURSE: Breakfast!

I thought you might like some nice stewed prunes.

We must keep regular.

Where's the damn doctor?

Dr. Krugman is making his rounds.

He'll be here shortly with your X-rays.

Thank you, Nurse, and bring him some breakfast, too.

Hear what she said? X-rays? There goes your whole cockamamie case.

Oh, yeah? What about your little mishap when you were with the paratroopers?

What paratroopers?

You and Charlotte on the garage roof in Toledo?


You had that compressed vertebra, remember?

That was like 30 years ago. That's the beauty of it.

The doctor who treated you is long gone.

With a vertebra you can't tell an old injury from a new one. So who'll ever know?

I will! Look, Willie, I'm not saying I'm any better than the next guy.

Maybe I add a few bucks to my expense account.

But an out-and-out fake like this...


We got 83,000 eyewitnesses.

Another 30 million watched it on television.

They saw you get hit by that 220-pound monster.

They saw you take a spill over that tarpaulin which shouldn't have been there in the first place.

We got a clear-cut case of negligence.

If you think that gown is humiliating, wait till you taste this coffee.

Where do you think you are, in a Hilton Hotel?

The way I see it, their lawyers won't even let it come to trial.

They know how juries love to soak an insurance company.

And when I wheel you into that courtroom...

Wheel me in?

Yeah, you're gonna be in one of those chairs and wear one of those corsets, you know.

You wanna bet?

It's only until we collect the money.

Then you make a gradual recovery.


I'm gonna make a rapid recovery. I'm gonna start right now!


I told you no calls!

New York? Okay, I'll take it.


Yes, this is Harry Hinkle's room. Who wants him?


You don't say.

Hold on a second. The next voice you hear will be your wife.

I have no wife.

All right, so it's your ex-wife.

Tell her to drop dead.

I'm sorry, Sandy. But he can't talk right now.

Now or any other time. Hang up! Shh!

Yes, Sandy, it's true. Yes.

Did you see it, dear? Did you see it on television?

(SOFTLY) No, it's in the paper this morning.

But all it says is they carried him off unconscious and you're suing.

How bad is he?

Well, we don't know yet, dear.

But it's gonna take more than a Band-Aid, I can tell you that.

Listen, you bitch, if it's the alimony that you're worried about...

Oh, come off it, Sandy. Why else would you be calling me?

You don't have to believe me, Harry.

But isn't it possible that I'm worried about you?

That I just wanted to find out how you felt?

Oh, isn't that touching?

You didn't care how I felt a year ago when you ran off with Gus Gilroy!

Didn't even leave a note, just a stale meat loaf in the refrigerator.

For a whole month I was going nuts trying to find the laundry where you'd taken my shirts!

Please, Harry, this is no time to...

Well, it was your fault, too.

Because you're too nice a person and too kind.

You should have run after me and belted me a few and dragged me back.

Oh, it's lucky I didn't, because I would have strangled you with one of Gus Gilroy's fancy ties!

That's how nice and kind I am! And what would you...

Sandy, don't pay any attention to him. He's had a concussion.

He doesn't know what he's saying.

Well, it may be a couple of days before we have the doctor's reports.

Where can I reach you?

Don't worry... Don't worry, baby.

If your friend answers, I'll hang up.

Okay. If it's more convenient, you call here. Right. Goodbye, Sandy.

Of all the miserable broads.

I don't know what I ever saw in her in the first place.

Cooks like a pig and smokes in bed!

Used to walk around like a zombie because her nail polish was always wet.

That's unless she was crawling on her knees trying to find one of her contact lenses.

Best thing ever happened to me was when she cut out!

Still crazy about her, huh?

And stupid!


Never read a book in her life.

She read one book... The Carpetbaggers.

End of six months she was on page 19.

We had no life together, no dialogue, no laughs, no...

You know, Harry, I've seen guys carry a torch before, but you're the champ.

You could carry it from Greece to Mexico City to open the next Olympic Games.

Me? You.


You out of your skull? You know how many girls I've had since Sandy?

There was Phyllis. There was Sheila. There was Janet...

Use the other hand. That one's numb.

Don't give me with that torch.

As far as I'm concerned, it's...

The funny thing is, she still cares about you.

The hell she does.

Did you hear her?

Did you hear her on the phone? She was practically crying.

The next time she calls and she hears what shape you're in, mangled and helpless, she's gonna hop the first plane from New York.

You play along with me, Harry, and you'll get your wife back.

Who wants her?

You do. Because you still love her.


So we open the kid up and what do you think we find?

Three buttons, a thumbtack, and 27 cents in change.

Morning, Doctor. Morning.

Parents couldn't afford to pay for the operation so I kept the 27 cents.

I'm Dr. Krugman. How are you feeling today?

Oh, pretty good.

He means, considering. What do the X-rays show?

Kind of curious myself. I was sitting on the 40-yard line.

Oy, gevalt!

Mmm. You said it, Doctor.

Sister, would you mind cranking the bed down?

Yes, indeed.

Oh! Oh!

What's the matter? My back! Crank it up!

Crank it up!

Does it hurt much?

I should hope so. He's got a compressed vertebra.

Oh? I've got what?

Here, look at this. There's a compression of the fifth vertebra and a narrowed disk.

Are you sure?

Why do you think I'm wearing this outfit, because I'm a barber?

Oh, I didn't mean to question your competence.

So don't kibitz!

Just relax. Tell me if this hurts.






Take it easy, Doc.

I said no kibitzing.

Could I have that cigarette?

Cigarette? Is it all right if he smokes?

Personally I gave it up, but if you gotta smoke, blow a little bit my way, eh?

Why are you holding the cigarette like that?

The other fingers are sort of numb.

Numb? Did you say numb?

You heard him.

I don't understand. If he hurt his back, what's that got to do with the fingers?

It's quite normal in a case like this.

The vertebra must be pressing on the nerve ending.

It all connects up.

Is that a fact?

It's like a watch that's been run over by a locomotive.

Imagine what happens to the springs, the wheels, the balance.

I guess I'm lucky I'm still ticking.

Tell me when this feels sharp and when this feels dull.

Sharp! Sharp!

Dull. Dull.




Sharp! Dull.

We got this trainer on the team, Doc Murphy.

He's just great with this kind of stuff, because us players, we get clobbered all the time.


He'll just give you a massage and put you in a whirlpool.

I said out!

You're Boom Boom Jackson.

Yeah. I brought you these.

Thank you very much. Sister, would you please put these in a vase?

Goodbye now. Bye. You're very thoughtful. Goodbye.

How'd the game come out?

They kicked a field goal in the last five seconds...

...because I fumbled on the 12-yard-line.

It's tough.

They're charging you for a second breakfast.

Ever had a previous back injury? Hmm?

Maybe when you were a child?

Uh, let me see.


The phone.

Why doesn't one of you nurses answer the phone?

What phone? It's ringing.

How many nurses do you see?



Can we afford 'em?

Don't tell me this is normal, Doctor.

Somebody pull the shade down.

I'll do it.

Open your eyes wide. Look at him.


Nice retina.

Thank you.

What is it, Doc? Any brain damage?

Give it to us straight. We can take it.

No. Just a simple concussion. All he needs is a little bed rest.

Thank God. Actually, it's the back that's bothering me.

Bothering you?

I mean, with those nerves all connected up.

If it affects his hand, how do we know it doesn't affect some other part of his body?

If you don't mind, I'm gonna have my breakfast.

KRUGMAN: Don't you move!


My leg! Got no feeling in my left leg!

Put him back in bed.

Careful now.

Look, Doc, I don't wanna kibitz, but I don't like the looks of this.

I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't mean to hurt you. Honest I didn't.

I never hurt anybody in my life, not even when they played dirty.

You couldn't help it. It was just one of those things.

You're gonna get well, aren't you, buddy?

You gotta. You just gotta for me.

If you want a layman's opinion...

I do not.

Nurse. Yes.

There must be a lower back injury as well. Get ahold of Dr. Montgomery.

I'll want some more X-rays.

And let's get ready for an encephalogram, an EMG, and if necessary a spinal tap.

Yes, Doctor.

Anything I can do?

Pray for him, Sister.

SECRETARY: O'Brien, Thompson, and Kincaid. Good afternoon.

Sorry, Mr. O'Brien is in conference with Mr. Thompson and Mr. Kincaid.

Oh, just a minute. Mr. O'Brien, I know you're not to be disturbed, but it's Consolidated Insurance, office of the vice president.

All right. Put him through.

Yes, Mr. Dalrymple.

Of course we know it's a million dollars.

Of course we know it isn't chicken feed.

Please, Mr. Dalrymple, you have three grown-up lawyers handling this case.

We have the hospital report right here, and we have the Purkey Investigating Agency working on it.

So you just sit back and leave the worrying to us.

Go on, Mr. Purkey.

In 1959, Harry Hinkle collected $18 for a raincoat he'd lost in a movie theater.

The coat was ultimately recovered and he returned the $18.

Otherwise, there is no record that Mr. Hinkle has ever filed a claim against any insurance company in the United States.

I guess the young man is clean.

Now, let's see. Who's his attorney?

William Gingrich. Gingrich? Gingrich?

You know... Whiplash Willie?

Oh, him again.

Well, gentlemen, I guess our first step is to have Hinkle examined by our own team of doctors.

For that, of course, we need the consent of the plaintiff.

Get Gingrich on the phone.

He's not only Hinkle's lawyer, he's his brother-in-law.

Honey, get me William Gingrich.

I think his office is somewhere in this building.

Now, tell me, Mr. Cimoli, exactly how did you break your hip?

It's my pelvis!

All right, your pelvis. How did it happen?

I was coming out this store. And there it was on the sidewalk.



I see. You were coming out of what store?

Nat's Delicatessen on Euclid Avenue.

Too bad. Oh, such pain!

I mean, too bad it didn't happen further down the street in front of the May Company.

From them you can collect.

Couldn't you have dragged yourself another 20 feet?



Speaking. O'Brien, Thompson, and Kincaid?

Yes. What can I do for you?

The Hinkle case? Oh, yes, I'm handling that.

I can't talk right now. I have an office full of people.

Suppose I come up to your place. Right.

Say, how much you think my pelvis is worth?

By itself, nothing, so it's a good thing you came to me.

Before we're through with them, we'll have them begging for mercy.

Who's them?

That I haven't figured out yet.

But don't go away. I'll think of an angle.

This guy is so full of angles and gimmicks and twists, he starts to describe a donut and it comes out a pretzel.

Nevertheless, when he gets here, I suggest we try the friendly approach.

Okay. After you shake hands with him, I suggest you count your fingers.

I'd better get out of here.

Purkey, I want you to keep digging away.

My pleasure.

I'd like to dig a nice, deep hole for our friend Gingrich.


Hi there, Purkey, old boy. Hello.

They keeping you busy? I'm not complaining.

Atta baby!

To see O'Brien, Thompson, and Kincaid.

And you are? Gingrich, Gingrich, and Gingrich.


What's the matter?


Go right in, Mr. Gingrich.

Thanks. Take the rest of the afternoon off.

Gentlemen. Ah, Mr. Gingrich.

I've heard a lot about you. Sit down. Sit down.

Say, you each have an office like this, or do you all bunk together?

The reason we called you up here, Mr. Gingrich...

Let me guess.

You want to settle. Settle?

You don't want to settle. Certainly not.

That settles that. You've got no case, Gingrich.

It's a simple matter of workmen's compensation.

It's a simple matter of negligence.

That tarpaulin should have been rolled back 50 feet.

And it's gonna cost you $20,000 per foot.

Rubbish! All the legal precedents are on our side.

That so? What about Fishbein vs. the Empire State Building?

What about it?

You'll find it in volume 16, New York supplement 2, page 45, 1939.

A window washer, 61st floor. The safety belt broke, and...

As a window washer, Mr. Fishbein was taking a normal occupational risk.

The window washer's name was Jones.

Mr. Fishbein was a pedestrian walking innocently down 34th Street.

And the next thing he knew, he was splattered all over the sidewalk.

The widow sued, was awarded $85,000.

Case appealed. Judgment upheld.

Volume 259, Appellate Division, page 56.

Also volume 24, New York supplement 2, page 168, 1940.

Maybe in New York they throw money around like that.

All right. What about Mrs. Cunningham vs. Baltimore and Ohio Railroad?

U.S. District Court, eastern district of Ohio, number 8927.

Mrs. Cunningham, en route to Cincinnati to visit dying uncle, gets trapped in the toilet on account of a faulty lock.

The car is hitched to another train.

Mrs. Cunningham winds up in San Bernardino, California.

By this time the uncle is dead, and she's cut out of the will.

So she sues the railroad for damages. Does this ring a bell?

Never heard of it.

You mean, none of you has?

Because you gentlemen represented the railroad.

We did? And lost the case.

Suppose we get back to the Hinkle case.

You guys should really bone up on negligence.

We've been going over the hospital report.

Discouraging, isn't it?

Naturally, we don't accept it at face value.

I wouldn't, either.

Look, Gingrich. Let's stop horsing around.

We demand the right to have our own doctors examine Hinkle.

You got it.

Unless you agree to it, we'll get a court order and force you.

I agree to it. Now don't give us any trouble, Gingrich.

We know your reputation. We...

What do you mean, you agree to it?

Permission granted.

You have no objections?

As a matter of fact, I insist on it.

To you gentlemen, it's just a question of money, but to me it's a personal tragedy...

My kid brother-in-law, possibly disabled for life.

I'm sure you gentlemen will bring in the best doctors, the kind of specialists we could never afford.

Maybe you'll even send him to the Mayo Clinic.

Don't worry. Mr. Hinkle will get a thorough going-over.

Good. Will there be anything else, gentlemen?

I can't think of anything.

Well, I can. If you're to examine my client, you'll need written consent.

Yes, of course. Get Miss Heffelfinger in here.

Don't bother. I have the authorizations right here.

Three copies, all signed and notarized.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

If you'll excuse me, I have somebody waiting in my office.

Interesting case. I'm considering suing the United Fruit Company.

There should be a printed warning on every banana peel.

Those things can be hazardous to your health. Carry on, gentlemen.




Therefore, I say, if you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens, you can never regain their respect...and esteem.

It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time.

You can even fool some of the people all of the time.

But you can't fool all of the people all of the time.


Hi, kid.

What are you watching?

An old movie about Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln. Great president. Lousy lawyer.

I picked up some stuff at your apartment.

Robe, slippers, your Playboy pajamas with the bunnies.

How much longer do I have to stay here? Any rough idea?

Just till the insurance doctors get through with your tests.

I hope I flunk! I'm sick of pretending to doctors, and nurses, and Mother, and Charlotte.

You're not gonna flunk. Take my word.

Look at me. I can't sit up. I can't lie down. I can't sleep at night.

You'll get used to that corset.

It's not the corset that's bugging me.

Why did I let you talk me into this? Why?


That's why.

Where did you find it?

Where you stashed it. Top shelf of your closet behind the 78 records.

Remember that day? It was July 4th.

Some wise guy put a firecracker under our bed.

Don't look at me.

Check my son's alibi.

Why hasn't she called yet? You said she'd call.

That's what she said, but it's only been a few days.

Maybe she won't call at all.

Maybe she won't.

What do you mean, she won't?

Maybe she's so anxious to see you she's on a train right now or a plane.

Maybe that door will open and she'll just walk in.


Come in.

Harry? (GASPS)

Hello, Mother. Hi, Charlotte.

My poor baby! What have they done to you?

He's wearing a corset, Mother. Everybody wears a corset.

You wear a corset. Charlotte wears a corset.

I wear a girdle!

Don't fight, please.

I brought you some mushroom soup and some hot biscuits.

Forget it. I ordered him a Chinese lunch.

A Chinese lunch?

I spent the whole morning in the kitchen.

I'll have it for dinner.

Mother, you're upsetting everybody.

You shouldn't be at the hospital.

You should be in Florida. Four weeks in the sun...

Go away and leave Harry like that? I couldn't.

Don't worry, Mother. I'll take care of him.

Look, I've already got your ticket. Your plane leaves tomorrow noon.

I'll drive you to the airport in the new Mustang.

What new Mustang? Your new Mustang.

But since you're in no condition to drive, I'm breaking it in for you.

Gee, that's big of you!

What's your favorite color? Red.

Damn it! I hope you don't mind.

I got it in beige to match Charlotte's fur coat.

What? It's kit fox.

The hat goes with it. You like it?

He loves it.

Florida and Mustangs and foxes.

How are we gonna pay for all this?

Our credit is good.

Well, don't you think we better wait till we see some of that insurance money?

Wait? Who waits nowadays? Take the government.

When they shoot a billion dollars' worth of hardware into space, you think they pay cash?

It's all on the Diners Club.


That terrible woman. What's she doing here?

If you must know, Mother, they're still crazy about each other.

As a matter of fact, she may be here any minute.

Harry, you're not going to make the same mistake again after what she did to you.

Mother, why don't you go to Florida? Four weeks in the sun, baking your chest.


Don't you insult her. I...


Come in.

Hi, buddy, how you feeling?


Come on in, Boom Boom.

I brought you a present.

The boys on the team chipped in, and we got you this.


You shouldn't have.

It's electric. It's got three speeds, left-hand drive, white sidewall tires, a safety belt.

That's some chariot. Do they make a two-seater?

You already got a Mustang.

And here's a little idea I had.

You can mount it on the chair, and any time you need something...


Oh, don't!

Believe me, Mrs. Hinkle, instead of him needing this chair, I wish it was me.

If only they can make him walk again someday.

I'll be all right, Mother. Sure he will.

Every week you read in Time magazine how they're transplanting kidneys and making new spines out of fiberglass.

Don't you think the doctors read that stuff, too?

I don't...

Good morning. How's the patient and how's the family?

GINGRICH: Good morning, Sister.

Twelve and a half points, indeed.

Here's the timetable for your insurance examinations this afternoon by Professor Winterhalter and his staff.


He's Swiss, you know.


Two o'clock, electromyogram.

Four o'clock, dynamometer test.

Six o'clock, myelogram.

We'll be ready, Sister.

We will?

Tomorrow will be a real rough day for you.

You'll start at 7:00 in the morning.

Now, now, Mrs. Hinkle. We must be brave.

Come on, Mother. I'll take you home and help you pack.

Bye, Harry. Come on, Mother.

Why don't those insurance doctors leave him alone?

Why do they put him through all this misery?

I don't blame them. There's big money involved.

You'd be surprised how many people try to fake a thing like this.

Fake? There'd better be some empty beds around here.

Because if anybody calls my buddy a faker...

I used to have one like this on my bike.


You want me to attach it now?

No, later. Later, Boom Boom. Let him get some rest.


Thank the boys for the chair.

That's okay, buddy. Use it in good health.

Now, let's get organized.

I wish you'd tell him to stay away from here.

Why? He's a nice guy.

That's what I mean!

Where's that Chinese lunch? And what are you doin' walkin' around?

Trying to get some circulation in my legs. Do you mind?


Circulation? That's the last thing we want.

Now why don't we just get back into bed? What is this with the "we"?

We're in this together, you and I. Straight down the line, 50-50.


Don't you think that's fair? I'm devoting 90% of my time to this case.

And if you louse it up, we lose the case and I get nothing.




Did you order some lunch sent in?

Yeah, yeah. Right here, right here.

Bring it in. Come on, come on, will you?

What the hell took you so long, a slow boat from China?

We got a hungry man here.

He talks to me like that all the time.

I don't want any food.

Look at this. Fried shrimp, egg rolls, chicken chow mein.

I certainly don't want any Chinese food.

Tea. You forgot the tea. Where's the tea?

Nurse, get us a pot of tea.



That's more like it.

Maybe I'll just have an egg roll.

Put that down! Okay, let's go, Schindler.

What's that?

Don't tell me it's chop suey.

He's gonna give you a shot to help you pass those tests.

Oh! I'm not taking any shots from a waiter.

What do you mean, waiter? This is Doc Schindler from Chicago.


Those insurance guys, they think they're such geniuses.

What they forget is every time they build a better mousetrap, the mice get smarter, too.

You'll be careful, won't you, Doc?

I'd better be because I'm on parole.


They caught me tampering with a horse at Arlington Park.

A veterinary?

Well, actually, he's a dentist.

Where do you want it? Right arm and left leg.

Make them good and numb.

Oh, numb.

Sure. We want those nerves blocked.

Oh, then I better use the Novocaine.

Because with this stuff, he'll run the mile in 1:34 flat.

I just hope they don't give me a saliva test.

Step on it, Doc. We've still got Sam the hypnotist coming.

Sam the who?

Just a little posthypnotic suggestion.

You're gonna have such symptoms like you wouldn't believe.

Find a nice freckle, Doc, so the puncture won't show.

All righty now, just relax.


What if I get an infection from this?

So we sue the hospital for using dirty needles.

Now the leg, Doc.

Hurry up, Doc. The nurse is coming.

I'm looking for a freckle.


I used my influence in the kitchen.

Uh, he's...

We lost a shrimp somewhere.

I don't want that. Would you take it away? Take everything away.

Are you sure?

You eat it.

Don't you even want the fortune cookie? Come on.

You've got to open your fortune cookie.


What does it say?

"You can fool all of the people some of the time, "and some of the people all of the time..."

Let me see that.

Those Chinese. What do they know?




Feel this? Mmm-hmm.

How about this?

E flat?

Well, gentlemen, the evidence seems to be quite clear.

There are obvious indications of nerve trauma.


I concur.

And what is your learned opinion, Professor Winterhalter?

I have not formulated an opinion yet, but I have formulated a hunch.




It's a freckle.


Left hand, 80.

Right hand.

Two. Two?

There's a pronounced discrepancy in the reflexes.


We seem to be confronted with a classic syndrome.

Wouldn't you say so, Professor Winterhalter?

I once saw a similar case in Zurich.


Also fake.


Fascinating, isn't it? The way we can now corroborate subjective symptoms.

It's a new technique they developed in Rochester.

I know. I read all about it in Time magazine.

Well, gentlemen, I think we must agree that our findings are not inconsistent with an exacerbation of the median nerve in the lumbar plexus.



Are we then unanimous in our evaluation, Professor Winterhalter?


All these newfangled machines.

Fake! They prove nothing.

In the old days, we used to do these things better.

A man says he's paralyzed, we simply throw him in the snake pit.

If he climbs out, then we know he's lying.

And if he doesn't climb out?

Then we have lost a patient, but we have found an honest man.

Wait a minute, you guys. You're not throwing me in any pit!

You bring one snake in here... Just one little snake!


"Therefore, to answer the most vital question, "'Is the patient indeed disabled, or is he merely simulating?'

"After an analysis in depth of all the diagnostic data, "we, the undersigned doctors, have come to the definite conclusion

"that the evidence is definitely inconclusive.

"Enclosed please find a bill for our services and a detailed list of our expenses."

Double-talk! $3,700 worth of double-talk!

You know, this case has been getting a lot of publicity.

Maybe we could save the insurance company some money if we just settled.

Settle? A phony claim? Never!

It's not just their money that's at stake. It's our integrity.

If we let shysters like Gingrich ride roughshod over the laws of this land, well...

All right. Get Gingrich on the phone.

You wear a belt or suspenders?

Suspenders? They went out with Clarence Darrow.

Great lawyer. Lousy dresser.


Hello. Gingrich here.

Oh, hello, Mr. O'Brien.

That's all right. I just have my tailor here.

I'm too busy to get away from the office.

We know you're a busy man, Gingrich. We're pretty busy, too.

So, why bother with something as trifling as this Hinkle case?

It may drag through the courts for months.

What I mean is, we wouldn't be adverse to discussing a settlement.

I'd like to have a matching tie and handkerchief.

Nothing flashy. Maybe something like this.

Sorry. You were saying?

In return for a release from all future claims, we're willing to compensate your client with a lump sum.

Say $2,000. Fair enough?

It may be fair, but it's not enough.

I had a slightly different figure in mind. Say, $500,000?


You're being grotesque.

Let me tell you something, Gingrich, as one member of the Bar to another, if indeed you are a member of the Bar...

Look, Mr. O'Brien, I don't want to be unreasonable.

You say $2,000. I say $500,000.

Tell you what. Let's split it down the middle.

All right. If he wants a knockdown fight, we'll give it to him.

And no compromise!

I'm with you.

Now, wait a minute. We can't go in front of a jury with this kind of evidence.

We're not in front of a jury yet.

Purkey, I want you to put Hinkle under surveillance.

I was about to suggest that.

He can't keep up this act much longer.

Sooner or later he's bound to crack.

He's getting out of the hospital tomorrow.

Shall we proceed with our standard operation?

What's that?

Microphone, tape recorder, 8-millimeter camera, daytime coverage.

And at night time he can go out dancing?

No, sir, we have to do better than that.

In that case, may I recommend our Gemini plan?

What's Gemini?

Two operatives, 24-hour coverage, a microphone in every room, 16-millimeter camera, telescopic lens, and Technicolor.



What is it, buddy? You want something?

Yeah, I want you to cut out that singing.


Let's see. Have we got everything? Oh, yeah. Slippers.

Shouldn't you be at the stadium, practicing with the team?

So I'm AWOL.

But the way I figure it, I put you in here. The least I can do is help you move out.

Look, Boom Boom, I don't want you getting into any trouble on account of me.

So they fine me another 100 bucks. Big deal.

What do you mean, another 100?

I walked out on the coaching session last Tuesday.

Just couldn't take it.

I went to a neighborhood bar and had a couple of beers.

Couldn't take what?

They were running the game film.

And when it came to our accident, they had it in slow motion.

You want these chopsticks?

The hell with them.

I don't mean to be personal, but didn't you say your wife was coming to see you?

She's dead. Oh?

As far as I'm concerned, so don't pack that picture.

JACKSON: What do you want me to do with it?

HARRY: Toss it out the window.

Flush it down the drain. Who cares?

Don't you even want to save the frame?

We're all checked out. Ready to go, kid?

Not before I talk to my lawyer.

What kind of car you driving?

A Caddie. Why?

I don't think we can get him and the wheelchair into the Mustang.

No sweat. I'll bring my car around to the front entrance.

Good. Thanks.

Charlotte's fixed up Mother's room for you.

That's nice.

You'll be better off staying with us, helpless as you are.

Watch it. Somebody may walk through that door any minute.

You bet! And it's gonna be me! Harry...

I'm walking out of here on my own two feet and without this damn corset!

Are you crazy? After all we've gone through?

We've got them over a barrel now. They're already trying to settle.

You seen the way that guy looks at me? I'm letting him off the hook.

Harry, you walk out of here, they'll get you for fraud.

Let 'em!

How can you be so selfish? What about all the money I've spent?


I'm sure you'll think of something.

I did think of something, but you're fighting it!

What's the matter? You afraid of a little prosperity?

You're hopeless, Harry, a loser.

-(TELEPHONE RINGS) Always have been, always will be!

A guy who jumps off roofs with a closed umbrella!

Yeah? Hold on.

A born loser. You want to know why you lost your wife?

Because you've got no character, no guts.

I'm surprised it didn't show up in the X-rays.

You left out the most important thing... No brains!

Buying all that bull about how I'm gonna get Sandy back.

Well, I don't want any part of her, not anymore.

The cold-blooded little tramp shacked up with that guy there...

Not so loud. Do you want her to hear?

It's Sandy. Shall I hang up?

Get back in that chair.

Yeah, Sandy?

Yes, he's coming along all right.

Well, he has his bad spells once in a while, but the doctors think he'll walk again.

Poor bastard. I just hope he winds up with a little money.

But with you handling the case, I know he will.

Here he is.

Hello, Sandy?

Yes, it's me. Why are you so surprised?

Well, I only called Willie to find out how you were.

I didn't really think you'd want to talk to me ever again, the way you sounded the last time.

It was right after the accident. I was full of sedatives.

I didn't know what I was saying.

I'm being discharged from the hospital today.

I guess there's nothing more they can do for me here.

Where are you going to go?

Sure I care.

I figure I'll just go back to the apartment.

You remember our old apartment?

Of course I do.

You still have that ugly brown velveteen couch?

And those two sets of mother-of-pearl demitasse spoons we got for a wedding present?

And that cat? What was her name... Tinker Bell?

Everything is just the same, except the cat.

She ran away, too. There must be something the matter with me.

Don't say that.

Maybe there's something the matter with Tinker Bell.

Harry, I was wondering...

Who's gonna look after you?

Mother's in Florida.

Maybe Charlotte will drop by, bring me some mushroom soup.

I could get myself a babysitter once in a while.

Harry, do you want me to come and sit with you?

Just say yes or no.

Well, naturally the answer's yes.

It's always nice to see an old roommate.

But if it's in any way awkward...

I mean, I don't know your situation.

Let me handle that. What if I can get away for a few days?

GILROY: Hey, Sandy, there's no towels.


All right then, I'll see you Monday.

And take care of yourself. Do you hear?

Loud and clear.

Guess what.

Tinker Bell is coming back? Mmm-hmm.


I got the car out front. All set?

You bet. Let's blow this joint.

Out of my way!

Hey, fasten your seat belt. Those things go eight miles an hour.




Oh, doesn't it do your heart good?

I have a hunch he'll be up and around in no time.

Now, look, Sister, I asked you to pray for him, but we don't want any miracles.

JACKSON: One, two, left, right.

What's that with the "one, two, left, right"?

Hey, Max! What are they doing over there? Can you see anything?

JACKSON: One, two, left, right.

They're dancing the frug. What?

One, two, left, right.

Left, right.

One, two.

Left, right.

The frug? Yeah, you have some sense of humor.

If you ask me, we're just wasting our time. I think this guy's legit.

Maybe so, but let's give it a chance.

We've been watching for three days and three nights.

That colored guy... He has to dress him, shave him, feed him, put him to bed, carry him to the toilet, brush his teeth.

If that's an act, then I'm Soupy Sales.

Listen, I once shadowed a guy who was suing the Yellow Cab Company.

Some kind of collision. Claimed he was paralyzed.

For six weeks we were watching him and nothing. Never even moved a muscle.

He had this Swedish masseuse come every so often and give him a rubdown.

Then one night, bingo. There he was, givin' her a rubdown.

No kidding. Caught him red-handed.

Except that idiot cameraman, he got so carried away, he forgot to roll the film.

Couldn't you ask for another take?

You mind if I laugh after lunch?

Keep an ear on him. I'm going down to the drugstore.

Bring me back a corned beef on rye.

Hold the butter, easy on the mustard...

And a strawberry milkshake.

Anything else? Pack of Tiparillos.

JACKSON: Left, right.

Left, right.

Left, right.

Go, man, go.

A couple of more steps.

That a boy! You're doing great.

I've been talking to the guys in the front office.

We want you to be at the stadium, November 27th.

What's November 27th?

Night game against Washington. We'd like to make it Harry Hinkle Night.



You just sit on the bench.

And then at halftime they introduce you, and you make a little speech.

No. Thank you, Boom Boom, but I'd rather not.

Don't you think those flowers would look better over there?

What time is the plane due?

3:40, United Airlines.

"Coming in on a wing and a prayer.

"Love, Sandy."

I sure hope she likes my dinner.

What are we having? Chicken.

Fried chicken?

No. Chicken paprika with red cabbage, and for dessert, apricot dumplings.

What kind of food is that? It's Hungarian.

I learned it from my mother. Your mother?

She used to work as a cook in a Hungarian restaurant.


You want me to fix up the other bed?

I really don't know. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, how long she's gonna stay or what her plans are.

Go ahead. Make it up.

Why not? What have we got to lose?

You ever been married, Boom Boom?

No, but I'm engaged to a girl in Detroit.

You are?

And a girl in Baltimore, and one in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and two in San Francisco.

Hold it. When you say "engaged," you mean, you give each of them a ring?

Sure. The minute the team hits town.


Funny thing about marriage. It's like being in the army.

Everybody knocks it, but you'd be surprised how many guys reenlist.


Where'd you learn that? Don't tell me.

Your father was a Pullman porter.

He was a fighter, light heavyweight.

Once went 12 rounds with Billy Conn.


He was really going places, then he killed a guy in the ring.

A blood clot or something. He never fought again after that.

Just started hitting the bottle.

That's a shame.

He pulled out okay. As a matter of fact, we're in business together.

I bought this bowling alley on the east side, and he's running it for me.

It's got 12 lanes and a cocktail bar, and it's half paid off.

All I need is another three good seasons of pro ball.

Boom Boom, what happened to you yesterday?

Yesterday? I watched the game on television.

I guess I wasn't very sharp, so they benched me.

Anybody can have a bad afternoon.

You aren't drinking, are you?

Me? No, sir.

Maybe a beer now and then, but I can't take the hard stuff.

You'd be so nice to come home...

You know who that is? Sandy.

So nice By the fire While the breeze on high...

I didn't know she was a singer.

She always wanted to be.

That was our problem.

When we were first married, she was working at WJW, doing singing commercials for a linoleum company.

There was this band...

Gus Gilroy and his Gaslighters.

She...cut an audition record with them.

The next thing I knew, she'd run off to New York with that Gilroy character.

She was gonna make it big.

Did she?

If she did, the news hasn't reached Cleveland.

...home to and love I tried for a year, very hard, to get her out of my mind.

I worked at it day and night. I figured I'd never see her again.

Just imagine, right now she's stepping on an airplane in New York, and in a few minutes, she's going to take off.





Hi, Mr. Gingrich. Hello, Boomsy.


Hey, Nureyev, you're gonna wear out your batteries.

Now, cut it out! You're not a well man.

I've been trying to reach you all morning. Where you been?

Where have I been?

I've been working, talking to witnesses, getting depositions, looking out for your interests.

I've interviewed every person who was sitting between the 20 and 40-yard lines, gotten signed statements from groundskeepers, looked at miles of television tape, instant replays, isolated camera.

In this business, you gotta be on your toes every minute, thinking, anticipating, always keeping one step ahead of the other guy.

I thought you could pick Sandy up. She's coming in at 3:40.

Good for you. I can't wait to see that pretty puss again.

Why doesn't Boom Boom pick her up, huh?

Boom Boom? Be glad to.

Sure, 3:40 breaks up the whole afternoon.

There are a lot of important things I have to take care of.

He doesn't know what she looks like.

Don't worry. I won't bring you the wrong wife.

Sure is nice and warm here.


Somebody from the building came up, checked the radiators in every room.

Every room? Well, isn't that considerate?

I think they suspect something.

I told you not to plant those mikes in the radiators.

I suppose your idea was better?

Send him a box of candy and bug the chocolate creams.

Keep lookin'.

Don't come unglued. We're okay.

I think you'd better start for the airport, Boom Boom.

Okay, Coach.

What's the rush? He's got an hour and a half.

Well, there's a lot of traffic this time of day.

And those planes... You never know. They're late. They're early.

Say, what do I call her? "Mrs. Hinkle" or "Miss" or what?

Try "Mrs."

You got it.

Boy, this brace is murder.

If I don't get out of this chair, gangrene is gonna set in.

Look at this deposition.

What do I know?

It's very important, especially the footnote.

Isn't that interesting?

I don't get it. Take my word for it.

A case like this is full of pitfalls.

You can't just go blithely skipping through the wood like Little Red Riding Hood.

There are wolves behind every tree.

You gotta watch out for Grandma, because she's got big eyes and big ears.


And big teeth.

He forgot the teeth. He what?

I hate a guy who tells a story and louses up the punch line.

So the moral of the story is better Red Riding Hood than dead Riding Hood.

You read me?

Not really.

Tell me, this whirlpool gadget that Dr. Krugman prescribed...

The Jacuzzi? Yeah.

Does it help you any?

I suppose. It tones the muscles up or something.

But just exactly how does it work?

Well, first you got to run some water in the tub.


Say, where's the switch on this Jacuzzi thing?

No switch. Just plug it in the wall.

You better come in and show me.

Would you mind telling me...


Okay, kid, you can talk now.

What the hell is going on around here?

The whole place is bugged, and they're shooting from across the street.

Shooting? The detectives, with a camera.

Well, who needs that? Get rid of 'em! Not so fast.

Pull the shades down and rip out those mikes!

We're not gonna put up with this.

Yes, we are.

What do you mean, we are?

Look, Harry, we know we're bugged, but they don't know we know.

Don't you see the possibilities? No.

Anything we want to feed into those mikes, they'll swallow.

Like what?

The only way to speed up the action is to goose them.

It may take a year for this case to come to trial.

You want to be stuck in this chair that long?

A year? Well, worry not, because I've got a scheme.

When we spring it on them, they're gonna settle right away and for big money.

Oh, to hell with the big money. Give it to charity.

How did you guess? Huh?

That's the scheme.

MAN ON PA: Announcing the arrival of United Airlines Flight 373 from New York Kennedy International Airport.

Passengers may now claim their luggage in the baggage area.

Mrs. Hinkle?


Let me take these.

Mr. Gingrich sent me to pick you up.


Has he got a chauffeur now?

No, it's just that he's busy with the lawsuit.

I'm a friend of Harry's.

How is Harry?

Much better, now that he knows you're coming.

And how's the lawsuit? Looks good.

Mr. Gingrich thinks we can't lose.

Oh, really?

I'm going to testify for Harry myself. I'm a witness.

You were there? Oh, yeah, right where it happened.

Actually, I'm the guy that hit him.

It's got me all shook up.

I keep running that play over and over again in my mind.

I saw him standing there. I could have stepped out of bounds.

I could have cut back and reversed my field, but I didn't.

And all for a lousy extra five yards.

I wouldn't brood about it.

I mean, everybody tries for that extra five yards, and, well, sometimes people get in our way.

Harry played me your record.

You sing good.

I sing damn good, if you must know, but I started off wrong, working with a cheap band in some crummy cellar.

To make it these days, you need exposure.

You need what?

A showcase.

Like the Copa or the Persian Room.

And for that, you need a knockout wardrobe and arrangements and special material and a vocal coach and a publicity man.

And for that, you need money. So unless you got, like, 20,000 bucks, forget it.

Maybe it's all for the best.

Because now that you're here, maybe you'll decide to stay.

Sure, and go back to doing those linoleum commercials.

I was talking about going back to Harry.

You know, you and me... We both hurt him.

Except I can't do anything about it, but it's not too late for you to square things.

We'll see what happens.

When you travel with a football team, you live with a lot of guys, but Harry is something else again.

You don't have to sell me.

You should have seen him when your telegram came.

He almost jumped out of that chair.

All Mr. Gingrich talks about is the money, but all Harry talks about is you.

That's just like him, sweet and practical Harry.

If he had his way, nobody would get anything out of this.



Get a load of that broad.

Keep your mind on business.

This is business. It's the wife.

I'd sure hate to be stuck in a wheelchair with her around.

You got enough film in the camera?

Sure. Why?

Because if we're lucky, this may turn out to be our Swedish masseuse.

HARRY: Hi, Sandy.

Have a good flight?


If I were a gentleman, I'd get up.


Let me look at you.

What do I remind you of?

I don't know.

I'll give you a hint.


I still don't know.

All right, one more clue.

Whistler's Mother. Isn't he too much?

What happened? You got green eyes.

It's the contact lenses. They make them in all colors now.

You're still wearing your hair the way I like it.

Oh, I've never changed.

Where do you want these? In the bedroom?

Well, I certainly don't want them in the kitchen.

You heard the lady.

How long can you stay?

Depends. The band's opening at some joint in Atlantic City, but I told them I had to go to Cleveland to see a sick relative.

That's close enough. I am sick and I am a relative. At least I used to be.

Harry, promise me something.

As soon as you get a little money, have this couch recovered.

Don't worry. According to Willie, I can have it reupholstered in $100 bills.

I may even get a new apartment.

I already got a Mustang. Willie's breaking it in for me.

Who cares? The important thing is to get you well again.


I better start on that dinner.

HARRY: Thank you, Boom Boom.

Cooks, too. He's quite a treasure.

Don't know what I would have done without him.

Harry, what do the doctors say?

Well, they're just guessing.

It's a compressed vertebra and some nerve damage. It all connects up.

Compressed vertebra?

Yeah, but I may fool everybody.

I may be back on my feet a lot sooner than anyone expects.

On the other hand, you never know about these things.

Sometimes they drag on and on.

Too bad it's a phony.

What is?

The fireplace. Oh.

Be nice to have a fire now.

Remember when we used to put a red light bulb behind the logs, pretend this was a bearskin rug?

And right in front of Whistler's Mother.


I better unpack.

With the chicken paprika, I think we should have some white wine.

I didn't get any. Look in the wine cellar.

Second shelf, behind the cereal.

I hide it from the cleaning woman, yeah?

I'll put it on ice.

What do you think of Sandy?

I guess it's not fair to ask you. You just met her.

Not that I think she's perfect. They're all a little unpredictable.

She may not be a raving beauty, but then, I'm no Mastroianni, either.


It's just that sometimes two people drift apart, and they have to get together again, because they were cut out for each other.

Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, they belong.

You know what I'm trying to say? Yeah.

I knew you'd agree with me.


Oh, boy, oh, boy. Look at this.


I think I'm going out of my mind. I can't watch it anymore.

What? Apricot dumplings!

On top of chicken paprika, red cabbage, buttered noodles.

And that dame, she hasn't touched any of it.

Just yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

I knew it two weeks after I left you...

What a terrible mistake I'd made.

You have no idea how many times I wanted to pick up that phone and call you, but I was afraid.

I thought you'd just hang up on me.

Then when I heard about your accident, I didn't stop to think. I just called.

I'm glad you did. At least something good came out of it.

The day I got the divorce papers, I was working at some club on Long Island.

And I couldn't go on. I went to the ladies' room and was sick.

You know what I did?

I went down to Lake Erie to throw my wedding ring away.

I don't blame you.

Let me show you something.

You won't believe this, because you always said I wasn't the sentimental type.

Where is it?

What are you looking for?

The junk you women carry around.

It's like the inside of a claw machine.

Here. I couldn't bear to throw it away.

Now that you brought it up, neither could I.

Where would you like your coffee?

Coffee. We'll have it in the library.

Or would you prefer the east wing terrace?

It's too cold for the terrace.

The library it is.

Bring a third cup and join us.

No, thanks. I don't want to butt into a family reunion.

I don't think he approves of me.

Nonsense. You should have heard the way he was talking about you in the kitchen.

Harry, now that I'm here, do you really think you need him anymore?

Well, it's not that I need him. He needs me.

It makes him feel better to help me out.

Thought that was going to be my job.

You never considered me much of a wife...

Oh, honey... Don't deny it.

I guess I was kind of silly and useless, but I want a second chance now.

Maybe I've grown up a little.

Wait a minute.

You better pour the coffee. One lump, remember?

Never mind the dishes, Boom Boom. Leave 'em.


They're all rinsed. I'll finish up in the morning when I come to fix your breakfast.

You don't have to bother.

No bother. It's on the way to the practice field.

Look, Boom Boom, I don't want to turn you into a housekeeper.

You have your own job to worry about, and now that Sandy's here...

You know how it is.

I know how it is.

Mrs. Hinkle, that walker? He should practice with it every day.

He's up to 20 steps now. He should try 24 tomorrow.

Twenty-four. All right.

And that whirlpool bath? He should take one twice a day.

If the batteries start to run down on the wheelchair...

I'll figure it out.

You'll still come around to see me, won't you?

Sure, buddy.

Good night. Good night.

I didn't want to say anything in front of him, but that chicken dish we had...

It's Hungarian.

Well, it wasn't very good.

I've learned to cook now.

Yeah? Really?

I'll make you a meat loaf tomorrow.

Unzip me, please.

You've put on a little weight, haven't you?

Seven pounds. That's how good a cook I am.

If you need any help with your corset...

I can manage.



The phone, darling. Aren't you going to answer it?



Well, welcome to Cleveland. Surely nice to have you back with the organization.

How's our boy?

Why don't you kids go play on the freeway?

I said, how's our boy?

He's wonderful. Everything's wonderful.

Like old times.


We just had dinner, and we're about to go to bed.

Let me talk to him.

Look, Harry, if I were you, I'd forget it.

Oh, come on, I know what's going through your mind, but this is not the time or the place.

(WHISPERING) What are you, my marriage counselor?

If I want any advice, I'll write to "Dear Abby."

Okay, Harry, it's your neck.

But if you're going to do something foolish, just remember to show your good profile, because you are on Candid Camera!

CHARLOTTE: Oh, children! Watch it!


SANDY: Harry, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I'll have one more of these.


What do you mean, sorry?

Management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone.

I own this joint.

But you appointed me the manager, and I say no.

Cut that out, Pop. I need it.

If you want to drown yourself, use water. This won't do it.

I know. I tried it once myself.


What's that? Bourbon.

Haven't seen you around in a long time.

It's me, Elvira. I bleached my hair. Do you like it?

It's gorgeous.

Well, you know what they say, "Blondes have more fun."

Yeah, because there's always some sucker to pay for it. Beat it.

What did I do?

I said, beat it!

He bothering you, honey?

Why don't you take "honey" home and dip her head in a pot of ink?

Ooh! Real tough cat, ain't he?

Except on that football field.

He didn't look so tough against the Giants last Sunday.




Boom Boom, what is this? Break it up!

Come on now! Break it up! Break it up!



Anything happen across the street?

I'll say. You missed all the action.

She gave him a rubdown. He gave her a rubdown.

Did you get it on film?

Cool it. Nothing happened.

He fell asleep in the wheelchair.

She stayed up reading and smoking a lot.

It's your turn to drive.

Don't wake me till we get to Albuquerque.



Please, don't cry, Mother. Believe me, she's changed.

She washed my socks. She scrubbed the bathroom.

Tonight she's cooking me a meat loaf.


Mother, please, stop crying!

How's the weather in Florida?



Hi, Sandy.

Good morning, Harry.


Shut up, Mother.

Don't mind him. Just go back to your canasta game.

I'll call you over the weekend.



You look very yummy for this early in the morning.

I feel yummy.

Everything under control?


I've got the incorporation papers here. Sign all seven copies.

What are you incorporating?

The Harry Hinkle Foundation.

Didn't you tell her?

I thought it was supposed to be a surprise.

I don't like surprises.

What's this all about?

Oh, you're gonna be proud of him when you hear this.

Next Saturday...

Next Saturday there's gonna be a night game against Washington.

Between the halves, they're planning a tribute to Harry.

The lights are gonna go out. And everybody will be asked to light a match and say a silent prayer for Harry's recovery.

Can't you just see it? 83,000 matches flickering in that dark stadium.

Then the spotlight will pick up Harry.

He'll wheel himself up to the microphone and make the announcement.

What announcement?

That all the money he gets from the insurance company, over and above his actual medical expenses, is going to go into the Harry Hinkle Foundation to help the handicapped.

I'm not sure I understand.

We don't want anybody to think we're suing just to line our own pockets.

Maybe we're not the Rockefeller Institute or the Ford Foundation, but in our own small way, we can hold out a hand to the less fortunate, give them a little hope, a leg to stand on!

Hey, wake up. Wake up! What is it?

We're in Albuquerque. Huh?

Something important just came up.

I better take this tape down to O'Brien, Thompson, and Kincaid.

I should have listened to my mother and become a bookie.

Shouldn't "handicapped" have two p's?

Two p's?

I typed it myself, trying to save a little money.

After all, it's a nonprofit organization.

You're not disappointed, are you? About what?

Reupholstering the couch. I guess it'll have to wait.

So what? I think it's a wonderful thing you're doing.

And I'm very proud of you.

Well, I better be getting back to the office.

I'm expecting an important phone call.

83,000 matches.

I hope it doesn't rain.


Be right back.

Hey, Santa Claus, can I ask you a question?

Sure, little girl. Would you like to sit on my lap?

What's all this about you helping the handicapped? What's the gag?

Gag? Come off it, Willie.

Why would you go to the trouble of trumping up a case and then give the money away?

Who says it's trumped up?

I do. You think I'm stupid?

Five specialists examined him. You think they're stupid?

Compressed vertebra. Harry has had that since he was a kid.

So don't snow me. I know it's a fraud.

I wish you wouldn't use words like that.

And so is the Foundation.

All right. Let's just say It's a legal maneuver to put the squeeze on the insurance company.

They can go to court and fight me, but they wouldn't dare fight an organized charity.

If anybody had told me Harry would get involved in a thing like this...

Well, it wasn't easy. And he may still blow it.

The whole place is wired for sound.

And there are detectives watching from across the street.

I get the picture. I hope they don't.

So if you could keep him in line, I'd appreciate it very much.

How much? Worry not.

There'll be enough for everybody.

I'll do what I can.

That's a good kid.

Hey, put on a little weight, haven't you? I'd say about seven pounds.

Sorry. Just wanted some legal advice from Willie.

Legal advice?

I was wondering, if you can annul a marriage, why can't you annul a divorce?

Can you?

You know Willie.

He could find a loophole in the Ten Commandments.

Time to practice with your walker.

Twenty-four steps today.

GINGRICH: Can't you just see it?

83,000 matches flickering in that dark stadium.

Then the spotlight will pick up Harry.

He'll wheel himself up to the microphone and make the announcement.

SANDY: What announcement?

GINGRICH: That all the money he gets from the insurance company, over and above his actual medical expenses, is going to go into the Harry Hinkle Foundation to help the handicapped...

Are you sure that's the voice of Willie Gingrich?

Yeah. Recorded this morning.

Whiplash Willie turning philanthropist.

Do you believe that?

Not for a second.

Gentlemen, do you realize what this means?

It's obviously some sort of cheap trick.

I wouldn't call it cheap.

The minute the jury hears that that money is going to charity, they'll nail the insurance company for the maximum... A million dollars!

I still think Hinkle's an impostor.

You think!

I know I've let you down...

You certainly have... In Technicolor!

I'd better be getting back to my post.

Poor Purkey. He used to be the best private eye in Cleveland.

Get Gingrich on the phone.

What for?

We're in a good position to negotiate.

Because we know he's up to something, but he doesn't know that we know.




O'Brien, Thompson, and who?

Oh, yes, you're those lawyers in my building.

What's on your mind, gentlemen?

You want to see me? Hold on. I'll check my calendar.


Well, I'm all jammed up tomorrow.


Nothing open Thursday. Friday is out of the question.


Maybe I can squeeze you in next Monday between 11:00 and 11:15?

Today? I just don't see how I can do it.

Well, if you boys want to drop down here and take your chances...



GINGRICH: Come in, gentlemen. Come in.

Sorry. Things are a little messy around here.

You see, my secretary got married.

Oh, really? Yeah, 10 years ago, to me.

Sit down. Sit down. Here you are.

Now, what's your problem, gentlemen?

Well, Consolidated Insurance would like to wrap up the Hinkle case before the first of the year, simply as a matter of bookkeeping.

Mind you, it's against our advice, but on their behalf, we are prepared to offer you $10,000.

Yeah. Well, let's see.

If you're offering $10,000, that means you've been authorized to go to $25,000.

And if you're authorized to go to $25,000, that means they're willing to go to $50,000.

So why don't we skip all preliminaries and start at $50,000?


That's not acceptable.


Hey, would you gentleman like to have some instant coffee?

We'd like to have an instant decision.

We might go as high as $25,000.

What's your hurry, gentlemen? We'll all have our day in court.

I'm perfectly willing to leave the decision to a jury... Twelve good men and true.


Anybody care for some cocoa? Ovaltine?

Sauerkraut juice? Delaware Punch?


Melba toast? Skinless and boneless sardines?

Tootsie Rolls? Low-calorie yogurt?

How about some pepperoni pizza?

No, thank you. I'm on Metrecal.

Metrecal? Fresh out.

But I've got Bufferin, Pepto-Bismol, Mercurochrome...


You boys going to the game Saturday? It's Harry Hinkle night.

It's going to be a very interesting show between the halves.

$50,000. Take it or leave it.

Gentlemen, when this case started, I wrote down a figure on a piece of paper.

I've got it right here. I will not settle for one cent less than that.

All right, $55,000.

Did you say $55,000? Yes.

That's not it.

This has been declared a disaster area.

Eleven persons are dead or missing.

Over 200 families have been evacuated from their homes, and the property damage is estimated in the millions.

I'll be back with more news after this word from our sponsor.

Here it comes.

(SINGING) Coveryour floors with Lindenbaum's Linoleum It's better indoors with Lindenbaum's Linoleum For the lowest price and the highest style Do your house over in vinyl tile And for gracious living, come down to...

I don't want to be bitchy, but where did they dig her up?

She sings a little flat, doesn't she?

Flat? She's pitiful.

Come down to Lindenbaum's Come down to Lindenbaum's

And how about that long dress?

She must have bad legs. I used to do it in tights.

You don't have to remind me. I was behind the camera.

On the local scene, the chances of the Cleveland Browns to repeat as National Football League champions suffered a blow last night when one of their starperformers ran afoul of the law.

Luther "Boom Boom" Jackson, the leading punt returner of the League, was released on bail today after being charged with drunkenness, assault and battery, and resisting arrest.

Art Modell, owner of the Browns, announced this afternoon that Jackson has been indefinitely suspended pending a hearing to determine further disciplinary action.

In other news of the sports world, Mickey Mantle said today...


That's a shame.

I knew it.

I knew I shouldn't let him out of my sight.

What are you going to do?

This is absolutely our final offer.


Wrong again.



Hello? What is it, kid?

Did you hear what happened to Boom Boom?

Well, I'm sure he must need a lawyer.

(WHISPERING) There are 4, 100 lawyers in Cleveland.

You have to pick on the one who's beating his brains out for you?

Well, there's nothing we can do for him anyway.

Come on, Harry. Don't bother me. We got bigger fish to fry.

What did Willie say?

He can't be bothered.

He's negotiating.


Be careful.

You want to know who got Boom Boom into this mess?

You want to know the whole story, hmm?

Darling, don't get gray hair over it.

I've been lying to you all along.

You do have a few gray hairs. Makes you look distinguished.

(WHISPERS) Don't move. Don't say anything.

Just think about you and me.

If we're going to start all over again, how can it hurt to have a little money?

We're so close to it now. Don't throw it away.

For once in your life, be practical. Do the smart thing.

I love you, Harry, but I don't want to love somebody dumb.

Hey, Purkey?

Can you hear me, Purkey?

I know you're up there!

You're not fooling anybody, you big tub of lard!

How did he know we're up...

I got a message for you from Gemini Control.

You can start packing up because the mission has been scrubbed!

Repeat! The mission has been scrubbed!

Over and out!


Take that filthy glove out of my face!

You suppose he's telling the truth?

I wouldn't put anything past him.

Let me check it out with Mr. O'Brien.




Am I early? I hate to be the first one at a party.

What party?

I thought we were having a little celebration tonight.

Willie, what happened?

This is the Hinkle apartment, isn't it?

Come on. Tell us.

Whereas, Harry Hinkle, hereinafter referred to as the plaintiff, has agreed to renounce all claims, past, present, and future, against the Cleveland Browns, CBS, and Municipal Stadium, hereinafter referred to as the defendants, in consideration thereof...

Like I promised you, on a silver platter.

Can I have my coffee, please?


I could have held out for more, but old Mr. O'Brien, I took pity on him.

I hate to see a grown man cry.

I may cry myself.

Look at all those zeros. Willie, you're a genius.

(SINGING) I'm a genius Yes, I'm a genius A genuine genius A bona Bona fide genius



I'd still like my coffee.

Coffee? At a time like this?

You wouldn't have any champagne on ice?

We don't even have any ice. The refrigerator broke down.

I'll see what I can find.

Come on, Harry. Cheer up.

You just got the biggest cash award ever made in a personal injury case in the state of Ohio, and you're acting like a loser.

What would you like me to do?

Put a lampshade on my head, turn cartwheels?

Not yet. You're still convalescing.

But in a few weeks, we'll have you up on crutches.

And after a while, we'll get you a cane.

Why are you so good to me?

So you'll be walking to the bank with a slight limp.

Big deal!

Okay, Mr. O'Brien, if that's the way you want it.

You're the boss.

They settled!

Good. I can wrap up and still get home in time to watch Batman.

Don't touch that camera.

The case is over.

That's what you think. That's what Gingrich thinks.

Why don't you give up already? He's too smart for you.

Maybe so, but Hinkle isn't, and I think I know how to break him down.

Where you goin'?

The big tub of lard is gonna pay a little visit across the street, so be ready for action.

Now that you got this kind of money, you're gonna have to be very careful, because the world is full of chiselers and con men.

I'll be careful.

But luckily you got me.

You may think I'm a great lawyer, but I am 10 times as good a business manager.

I'll be very careful.

Happy days.

What's this? Kahlua.


I thought we had some bourbon, but your friend Boom Boom...


Now, when it comes to investing, the big trick is diversification.

You put a little money into uranium stocks, a few oil wells in Montana, some real estate in downtown Phoenix.

As long as you boys are diversifying, I want $20,000 to invest in me.

In you?

That's what it would cost to put an act together if I'm to work the Persian Room.

You're going back into the singing racket?

You bet! And this time I'm gonna do it right.

For $20,000 you can put on a pretty good act.

Everything's Coming Up Roses. That's what I want to open with.

Four guys carry me on in a big basket full of flowers.

I'm wearing a tight red sequin gown and they're in tails.

White tie, top hats, and canes.

Socko, baby. Socko!

Maybe I could be one of the four guys, bring my own cane?


Looks like the party's beginning to build.

I take it back.

Can I come in for a minute? You mean, through the door?

I thought you only came in through the window or through the heating system.

If you don't mind, now that it's all over, I'd like to take out my equipment.

Help yourself.

You know something, Purkey? We're gonna miss you around here, because you're a real good neighbor. Quiet, discreet, unobtrusive.

And yet always keeping a watchful eye on us.

I was just doing my job. Nothing personal.

Of course not, but sometimes even the best bloodhound barks up the wrong tree.

Any more news about Boom Boom Jackson?


Too bad what happened to him, but maybe it'll teach him a lesson.

Our black brothers, they've been getting a little out of hand lately.

Just too damn cocky. You know what I mean?

That's enough out of you, Purkey.

Look, I'm all for equal.

But what gets me is, I'm driving an old Chevy.

When I see a coon riding around in a white Cadillac...

Dirty son of a bitch!


Thanks! Hey, Max!


You walked right into a trap, you idiot!

I'm the idiot! I should have tipped off the insurance company!

They would have given me $20,000!

Max! Hey, Max!

Did you get it?

I'm not sure. It's a little dark.

Oh, no.

Did you hear that? Get back in that chair. Get back!

You want another take?



What's your exposure? I was wide open.

Stop it down to f-4. Check your focus.

You ready? Yeah.

Roll 'em, Max!

So much for the bad hand!

Let's see what a man with a broken back can do!

Attaboy. Keep it up.

Willie, why don't you do something?

The first thing I'm gonna do is cancel my reservation at the Persian Room.

You got one green eye and one blue eye.

My contact lens... I must have dropped it.

Don't move.

And now, for the most death-defying feat ever attempted by a man who just got out of a wheelchair.

Did you get what you wanted?


All right, genius, let's have the keys to my car.

You haven't got a car. They'll repossess it in the morning.

They can have it in the morning! Right now I need it.


I don't want to find you here when I get back.

Take your damn meat loaf with you.

Nothing wrong with my leg, either.

How did I ever marry into a family like this?

Wait a minute, Purkey!

I'm not through yet! Keep that camera rolling.

Go ahead.

Let's see him wriggle out of this one.

This is William H. Gingrich, attorney-at-law.

I am both shocked and dismayed to learn that my client has been deceiving me.

But there is no legal case against Mr. Hinkle, because no money has changed hands.

However, there is a legal case against the firm of O'Brien, Thompson, and Kincaid.

They have invaded the privacy of my client, which is a violation of the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution and the federal anti-wiretapping law of 1934.

I am therefore filing charges against these gentlemen before the Ethical Practices Committee of the American Bar Association.

Furthermore, I am moving immediately to revoke the license of one Chester Purkey, private investigator.

He has maligned a member of a minority group, and I shall duly report this fact to the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department, the Human Rights Commission of the United Nations, the NAACP, CORE, the American Civil Liberties Union...


I think I found your contact lens.



This ain't my day.


Lookin' for Boom Boom Jackson.

You're 10 minutes late. He just cleaned out his locker.

The team fightin' to stay up there, and this has to happen.

I would have believed it of some of the other guys, but Jackson in a barroom brawl?

I don't know what got into him.


Wait a minute. We ain't got no 99.


This seat taken?

What's that with the matches?

It's for a buddy of mine, Harry Hinkle. He's in a wheelchair.

Remember what you said in the hospital, what you'd do to anybody who called your buddy a faker?

Well, I say, "Harry Hinkle is a faker."

What are you waiting for? Go ahead. Belt me.

Why did you do it?

For the money. What else?

You're a liar.

That's what I came to tell you.

If it's for the money, how come you're out of that chair?

I didn't like the setup. I didn't like the characters involved, especially me.

Go ahead. Do it.

And put you back in that corset?

Oh, no, I'm not gonna go through that again.

I see you're all packed, huh? Yeah.

Shaving kit, three pairs of socks, and the football they gave me after the Baltimore game.

Where you goin'? I don't know.

But somewhere between here and there there's got to be a bar.

Come on. I'll buy you a drink.

Look, Boom Boom, they'll make you sit out a couple of games, slap you with a big fine, but you'll be back.

I don't care one way or the other, because I'm through.

Who says you're through?

83,000 people.

When they boo you every time you come off the field, you begin to get the message.

Sure you've been playing lousy. You had this mental block.

I'm supposed to be a pro.

Once you start to choke up, once you drop three punts in a row, you better look around for another line of work.

Such as what?

Guy my size, my weight?

I can always make it in the wrestling racket.

I think I'd make a pretty good heavy. Call myself the Dark Angel.

The Dark Angel?

You coming?

December 27th.

You sure kept me busy that day, trying to follow you with the camera.

41 yards, 57 yards...

So long, buddy.

See you around.


Boom Boom!

You forgot something!


Go, man, go!

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

Yeah! Ha!



Are you all right, buddy?

Did I hurt you, buddy?

Buddy! Talk to me, buddy.

Why doesn't one of you guys answer the phone?

What phone?

It's ringing.

There's no phone here.

Hey, how many of me do you see?

Two. Two?

Boom Boom Jackson and some nut who wants to call himself the Dark Angel.

Come on. Play ball.

Let's go. Okay.

Give me the ball! Okay.

Come on.

Let's go!

Hup one, hup two, hup three, hup four, hup five, hup ten!

Hup ten, yeah!