The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E17 Script

Will Is from Mars... (1995)

Oh. Hey, Ash, guess what.

Me and Lisa finally set the date.

We're getting married in September. Ha, ha. Oh, Will, that's great.

Hey, listen, I even bought the ring too. Really? How many carats?

Come on, Ash, it's not the size that counts.

That small, huh?

Well, I mean, I... I... I didn't get the ring I wanted to get, you know.

I couldn't afford the real cubic zirconia.

Hey, but check it out. Presentation is everything.

Check it out. Yo, G. Ahem.

I had Geoffrey bake the ring inside of her favorite cookie.

Aww.

Nothing says loving like something from the oven. Heh.

And Will Smith says it best. Hey, that looks great, G.

It certainly does. Uncle Phil!

[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]


[SPED-UP VOICES PLAYING ON TV]

What y'all watching, a Rosie Perez movie?

I wish.

Hilary gave us a tape of her talk show and made us promise to watch.

It's been on for three minutes, and we're almost done.

[SPED-UP VOICES CONTINUE]

Oh. Uh...

It's nothing, babe. It's that thong underwear you bought me for Christmas.

What's up, girl? I just wanted to come over... and say thank you for fixing my sink. Oh, cool.

Um, baby, how about meeting me for a little midnight swim?

Ooh. You got that, baby. Where?

My living room.

Thanks to you, my apartment is flooded. It will be days until I can get back in.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby. I'm usually pretty handy with stuff like that.

Tell her, y'all. Didn't I just fix the toaster?

[TOASTER DINGS]

See? Before it wouldn't even get past the door.

Thanks, Will. In the morning, I'll set it on dark and it'll meet me at school.

Maybe I should call my friend Denise, see if I can stay over there.

What you talking about? You can stay in the pool house with us.

Carlton, is that okay with you? Are you kidding? Sure.

I love a good old-fashioned sleepover. What say we rent a musical... pop some corn and after that, dare I say, Yahtzee?

Dare I say:

Ow!

Geoffrey, you look wonderful. Is that a new suit?

It was, 20 years ago.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that's funny.

Oh, since I moved out...

I have really missed your sense of humor, Geoffrey.

Your wit, ha-ha-ha... your charm... your wit. Ha, ha.

Your...

Oh, who are we kidding? I need you to come work for me.

Miss Hilary, I already have a job.

Well, then, just part-time. Look, I'm a career woman.

I don't have time to dust and push around that...

Oh, what do you call that big loud thing that sucks up everything?

You call him "Daddy."

I'm sorry, Miss Hilary, but he'd never allow me to moonlight.

I'm expected to be on call for his 3 a. m. feeding.

I'll just use you in between meals. Daddy will never even know you're gone.

Are you suggesting that I lie?

Big time.

Miss Hilary, I couldn't.

I've worked for your father for 20 years.

He's seen me through some very hard times.

Even paid for my dear mother's cataract surgery.

The extra money could get you that Beemer.

Well, it's not as if he gave her a kidney.

[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Hey, Lucy, I home.

Hey, baby.

No, Lucy, don't even try. You cannot be in the show.

[LISA GIGGLES]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, girl.

Man, what is that smell? Oh, it's my chicken stew.

Girl, exactly what part of that chicken are you cooking?

Come here, boy, I want you to taste it. Why?

I... I... I mean, I'd love to, baby.

I made it especially for you. Oh, thank you.

[COUGHING]

Oh, damn, I swallowed it!

What?

Oh, and it was finger-licking good, baby.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi, kids.

Hey, Mr. Banks. Do you wanna stay and join us for dinner?

Uh, no, thank you, Lisa. As lovely as that stinks... Uh, uh, smells.

I wouldn't wanna interrupt.

I just came over to talk to you kids about your marriage.

[WILL SIGHS]

Come on, Uncle Phil. Not again. We are getting married in September.

No, Will. Come on. Wait a minute.

Your aunt and I have been talking about this.

We just wanna make sure that you get off to the best start possible... which is why we're giving you this little engagement present.

"Note: Buy Reese's Pieces for desk jar."

Other side.

Oh. My fault.

"Dr. Whitehorn.

Psychologist"?

His specialty is relationship counseling.

Oh, Mr. Banks, Will and I are in love. We don't need any counseling.

Yeah. But I could damn sure go for some Reese's Pieces.

No. Now, look, look, Will.

Look, marriage is difficult at any age. Now, all counseling will do... is give you tools to make your relationship work.

I mean, you wouldn't drive a car without taking at least a few lessons first.

Look here, Uncle Phil, I'm from Philly. You know what I mean?

I was driving when I was 11, you know.

Of course, that was in the good old days before The Club. Hear what I'm saying?

That'll put a crimp in the plans, you know.

Look, Uncle Phil, thanks a lot, man, but we both go to school and we work.

We really don't have time for that. Oh, well, that's a shame.

Because I was gonna pay for your honeymoon... anywhere in the world you wanted to go.

[LISA & WILL GRUNT]

Hey, baby, what's Swahili for "ching-ching"?

[LISA LAUGHS]

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know, we don't need to be here. We happy.

Tell him, baby. Yes, very happy.

Yeah. Hey, you know them little yellow smiley faces?

Just put some Hershey syrup on them, you got us, you know.

Great. Then all I have to do... is give you the skills to maintain that enthusiasm.

Oh, if you mean what I think you mean, I got skills, you know.

I was talking about interpersonal relationship skills.

Yeah, that's what I meant. That's what I was thinking.

The two most important: respect and communication.

You see, it's very important...

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, excuse me. Dr. Whitehorn. Ugh, it's you.

Listen, Rita, you are sucking me dry.

Look, you want more alimony, you talk to my first two wives, all right?

[WHITEHORN CHUCKLES]

Never get married on a dare. Ha-ha-ha.

Now, uh, where were we?

Um, respect and communication.

Ah. That's right. But look, for now... before tomorrow's group session, I'd like to ask questions.

Oh, cool, questions. Knock yourself out. Okay.

Uh, where do you see yourselves 10 years from now?

Ah, that's an easy one. Ten years, I see us, you know... kind of like the Huxtables, you know.

Except I'm not gonna be delivering babies, I'm gonna be making them, you know.

You know. But first, I figure we'd start out with Will, Jr., you know.

Then Willfred, then Willoughby, then Willard, you know. Then Willis.

Will, stop.

"Will Stop"?

[SCOFFS]

That ain't no good name.

Now, Willstafa, you know.

That's strong, you know, like, kind of a Lion King kind of feel.

You know, Will Simba.

Uh, we'll come back to that.

Look, let's take another question.

Oh, where will you be living?

That's an easy one. Right, baby? Yes.

Cleveland. Philly.

Oh, this ought to be good.

Well, that new little Beemer of yours runs like a dream, doesn't it? Ha, ha.

How should I know?

You've been hogging it ever since I signed the papers.

Just come on upstairs.

You know that table in Daddy's study? I need you to carry it out to the car.

It's a pool table.

Duh. Ha, ha.

Miss Hilary, I'm sorry, but I have duties here to attend to.

Besides, I'm still worn out from last night.

Oh, please. I just had you do a little yard work.

I don't believe blacktopping your tennis court falls into that category.

You are so lazy.

GEOFFREY: Not too lazy to quit.

Geoffrey, where have you been? Yes.

Last thing you said was:

"I just need to step outside for a little fresh air. I'll be right back."

That was seven hours ago. Aw, don't get into a hissy fit, sir.

I left dinner in the oven. ASHLEY: Oh, thank goodness.

I thought we were gonna have to eat what Daddy gave us.

God help us. You'd think a guy who eats so much... would at least know his way around the kitchen.

PHIL: Lisa, hi. Where's Will? Will who?

PHIL: Will, was there a problem in therapy?

Man, we are this close to breaking up. Boy, that stuff doesn't work at all.

[MICROWAVE BEEPING]

Oh, thanks, babe.

Oh, don't hurt me!

What is your problem?

Me?

[PANTING]

Baby, just tell me one thing:

Did you put something on or did you take something off?

Trust me, the next time I decide to take something off... you will be too old and blind to care.

Listen, this is just stupid. We shouldn't be fighting like this.

[SIGHS]

Okay, baby, you're right. I'm sorry. Aww.

Hey, put it there, dude.

What? You have some nerve.

So you expect me to be a gourmet chef, raise eight kids... and look beautiful 24 hours a day?

Too much?

And what exactly are you gonna be doing?

[WILL SIGHS]

I'm gonna be supporting y'all. Oh, on what?

That one-figure salary that you pull down at the Peacock?

Oh, no, you did not.

Oh, no...

You know what?

I could yell...

I could scream.

I could even call you some names.

But you know what?

One of us has to be the mature one.

And it ain't gonna be me, Aunt Jemima!

Ooh.

Uh, hello, everyone. GROUP: Hi.

Yeah, what's up?

Um, Will, we're sitting over here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, there you go trying to tell me where to sit.

Look here. I sit when and where I please. You know what I'm saying?

Because I'm the man. I'm the man.

You give me one good reason why I should sit over there.

Because your name is on the seat.

I knew that.

And you know how I knew that?

Because you're the man. Because you're the man.

You see what I'm saying? They recognize. Tsk.

Hello. Welcome. WILL: Yeah, whatever.

Well, tonight we're here to benefit from each other's experiences.

Those of who are just starting out... and others who have had long and nurturing relationships.

GEORGE: Get the lead out, Weezy.

LOUISE: I'm walking as fast as I can, George.

Hello, Louise, George.

Hey, Whitey.

That's, uh... That's Dr. Whitehorn.

Yeah, yeah, Horny. Where do you want me to sit?

Never mind. I'll sit wherever I want, because I'm the man. I'm the man.

Tonight, why don't we begin with a simple exercise?

I'd like each one of you to say three things that you like about your partner, okay?

Uh, George, why don't you start?

Well?

Well, what?

The man said to name three things... you like about me. Fine.

Your mother died. Your mother is dead. Your mother ain't living no more.

[LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

Okay, let's try role reversal. No, unh-unh.

It'll give you insight into how your partner perceives you.

Now, who'd like to go first?

Oh, I'd like to. Oh, great, Lisa. Show us Will.

[IMITATING WILL] Who the man?

I'm the man.

Because I ain't spending no 4.95 on some stank skeezer... to take her to the salad bar.

If a honey wants to go with me to the Sizzler... she gots to be all that. She gots to look good.

Yeah. You know.

Because I'm the man.

Nicely done.

I believe it's my turn.

Go ahead, Will.

Um... Oh, excuse... Um...

Can I borrow this for a second? Thank you. GEORGE: Hey! Man.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[IMITATING LISA] Tsk.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

You want some popcorn?

Tsk. Why you screaming?

What, I'm supposed to be a cook, a cleaner... do everything you want. What you gonna do? Tsk.

Tsk. Tsk. Look, you need to stop acting so stupid.

You need to get a job, do something so you can buy me something nice.

You never bought me nothing nice. You just be acting all dumb.

Why you talking about your uncle all the time? He ain't fat. He is big-boned.

And I thought I had it bad. Ha-ha-ha.

And it's about to get worse. Ow!

Hey, hey, hey. Now, none of that. If you can't verbalize your aggressions... then here, try a bataka. GEORGE: Oh.

And this is for Mama. Hey!

And this is for calling me Weezy... when you know I'm sensitive about my asthma.

Try this on your asthma.

Hey, hey, hey, time out! Time out now! Stop it!

Look it, why don't we all just take a five-minute break, okay?

Hey, how are you doing? Fine.

Man, she always been like that? Ha-ha-ha. No, she used to be mean. Ha-ha-ha.

We tied the knot 40 years ago and I've been swinging from it ever since.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, I hear you. Sure, there's women like that... make you realize why God made darkness.

[GEORGE LAUGHS]

Hey, man! What?

You insulting my wife? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up a second there, cul-de-sac.

Look, I am twice your size... and half your age. You need to chill out a little bit.

Your mama.

Oh, no. You didn't just talk about my mother.

Okay. Well, I'll talk about your daddy instead.

Your daddy is so fat that when he went to school... he sat next to everybody.

But still he wasn't as fat as your fat mama. Ha, ha.

Oh! Come on with it!

Stop it! Stop it right now! You're not supposed to...

Stop it now! Stop it or I'll charge you double.

GEORGE: What? WILL: Who you talking to?

Oh, that is so juvenile. I know it.

I have never seen anything so stupid.

You calling my husband stupid?

Honey, the only thing stupid here is your big-eared boyfriend.

He looks like a car coming down the road with both doors open.

Oh, no, Miss Thing. It's on now. All right, sister, bring it on.

WHITEHORN: Hey! Come on, you're missing the whole point here.

Stop it! Stop it right now!

You're supposed to verbalize, not beat each other up!

You might as well be taking karate. LOUISE: Coward!

[SIGHS]

Hey, what's up, Uncle Phil?

What in the world happened? We got into a huge fight.

A fistfight?

No, we used bats.

On each other?

Oh, no, no. We beat up this old couple.

Yeah, but they had it coming, right, baby?

Yeah, baby. That's what I'm saying.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I mean, that's terrible.

Oh, no, no, no. This was at therapy, Uncle Phil.

Hey, you know, it actually helped us out a lot.

We decided we're not gonna get married in September.

Ooh. Okay, if that's your decision.

Yeah. We're gonna move the wedding up to May.

I mean, we saw tonight that we got our little petty differences... but when push come to shove, we've got each other's back.

Ha, ha. I'm glad you're getting along. That's still no reason... to move up your wedding. Well, you know, that's not the only reason.

We wanna miss the rainy season in the motherland.

That's where you're sending us for our honeymoon. Heh. Oh.

That's from the travel agent. She says she could retire on this one. Ha-ha-ha.

Thanks.

Pinch me, Geoffrey.

Not on what you're paying me.

But for 35,000, I'll slap you silly.