The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E18 Script

The Wedding Show (Psyche!) (1995)

Hey, G, what is your idea of, like, the perfect wedding?

Any one at which I'm not serving hors d'oeuvres or pouring champagne.

Wow, then you're gonna think ours sucks.

WILL: What's up? How you doing, Will?

WILL: Remember, Lisa's pop's coming from Cleveland.

So don't be late for dinner.


My fault. For a second there, I forgot who I was talking to, you know that?

I'm actually looking forward to meeting him.

We'll probably discuss the wedding while he's here.

In fact, I have finished the guest list and good news.

I've kept it small, just 300 people.

Three hundred? Who are you inviting, the entire Wayans family?

Uncle Phil, who are these people? They're just, you know... business associates, contributors to my campaign... and people I need to suck up to.


Uh, how about the people that I wanna invite?

Like who? Uh, how about my mom?

Oops. Ha-ha-ha. Ha, ha.


WILL: Uncle Phil, the thing is we really didn't expect all of these people.

We were gonna have the wedding in the garden.

It is gonna be in the garden. The garden at the Bel-Air Country Club.

Uh, gee, you know, I kind of miss the good old days... when you were against this wedding.

Ah, ha, ha. Ah, I see the problem.

See, you're under the impression that this wedding is for you.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, what the hell was I thinking?


Get this straight, son, ha-ha-ha... my cash, my party.

And I'm going to network like it's 1999.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] G, does anybody in this house care what I want?


What are you guys doing? Hilary's being audited by the IRS.

Thanks to you. Carlton said he could save me money, so I let him do my taxes.

Relax, I'll take care of it.

I don't understand any of this.

I have money invested in companies I've never even heard of.

Like what? Like Carlton Co.

I said I'll take care of it.

Look, I don't wanna scare you, but these bureaucrats are heartless.

Well, what should I do?

Smile, be polite... and wear a spandex dress that makes them sit up and say, "Aye, chihuahua."


Carlton, that's terrible. Hilary would never degrade herself like that.

Absolutely not.


I'll wear leather.

Why don't you just wear hot pants and a bustier with two big cones on it?

Before Memorial Day?



WILL: Whoo. LISA: Oh.

I don't want you to worry, baby.

It's your wedding, so you two should get exactly what you want.

Besides, it's the father of the bride who throws the wedding... so I'll set Will's uncle straight. Right.

Oh, thank you, Daddy. FRED: Aww.

Yeah, thank you, Daddy.

Uh, I was raised in France. You know, we:

WILL: Oh, hey, here's the man now.

What's up? Hey, son.

This is Lisa's father, Fred.

Oh, so this is Fred. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

Oh, same here. WILL: Cool.

Enough of the small talk.

Look, Fred has something that he wants to say to you.

Right? You know, about the garden?

Phil, your garden is beautiful.

What are these, perennials?

Those are flowers, Fred.

You know, like a bride carries at a wedding.

Oh, that reminds me, Will...

I was at the club, I put down a deposit on the rose garden.

We're all set.

You know, now would be as good a time as any. Just dive right in here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Fred.


That's generous of you, Phil, but as the father of the bride...

I'll take care of the wedding.


I understand where you're coming from, Fred, but I have to invite several guests...

I think it's only fair that I shoulder the financial responsibility.

Well, I appreciate that, Phil, but I've been talking with the kids... and it seems to me that they have their hearts set on something smaller.

You go, Fred. Like family and friends.

Go Fred. In the garden.

Go Fred. In Cleveland.

Whoa, Fred.

What was I thinking wearing this outfit?

I look like a call girl.

A very expensive call girl.


Oh, but this just doesn't feel right.

Well, Hilary, you can't leave.

There's something I haven't told you.

You could go to prison for this.

Oh, that's ridiculous, it isn't that short.

Hilary, grow up, we're dealing with the United States government here.

Now hike up that skirt, sister.

Move it.


I'm waiting.


Excuse me, when will Agent Dailey be with us?

I'm Agent Dailey.

Well, this is a serious waste of a Wonderbra.

And for a talk show hostess... a home gymnasium is a justifiable business expense.

What about you, Mr. Banks, do you work out?


Well, I try to keep fit.

Looks to me like you succeeded. Ooh.

I could use something cold to drink. Can I get you anything?

Nothing for me. Well, I'll have a...

What an odd duck.

She's just not focusing.

Oh, she's focusing, all right, on your chest.

I mean, as unbelievable and disgusting as it sounds, she wants you.

That's ridiculous.

You know, this audit is a lot more complicated than I expected.

Perhaps we should continue this tomorrow.

Oh, but tomorrow's Sunday. I'm getting a chemical peel.

Oh, can't miss that.

Mr. Banks and I can handle this without you.

We can? DAILEY: Yes.

I wanna just get together and crunch some numbers.


You know, Phil, it sounds to me like you don't think my town is good enough... for you and your ritzy friends.

Hey, man, why you ain't tell me you invited the Ritzy's?

Fred, let me simplify this for you.

Now, ha, ha, if flying out here is a problem for you and your guests... don't worry about it, it's on me.

I'm gonna be on you too.

You keep throwing your money in my face, you fat cat.

Okay. Ding, ding, ding!

All sumo wrestlers to the showers!

I'll have you know, I put $10,000 aside for this wedding.

Oh, please, that wouldn't even cover the invitations.

WILL: Okay, okay.

[SINGING] Kumbaya, my lord Everybody!

[SINGING] Kumbaya Now, there is nothing wrong with being a hardworking man.

Have you ever done an honest day's work? I happen to be a judge.

I'll take that as a no.

Now, just wait a minute. This is completely out of hand.

You stay out of this, Will. Yeah, this does not concern you.

And you, you can forget about coming to Cleveland.

Because a big soft marshmallow man like you, you wouldn't last five seconds.

PHIL: Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'd like to see you try to fit in down at the country club.

Crushing beer cans on your head... telling everybody why Sears is the place to buy tires.

I know you don't wanna talk about tires. Oh, no, you don't.

PHIL: You wanna take this outside? FRED: We are outside.

PHIL: Fine. You wanna take it inside? FRED: Inside and upstairs, downstairs.


GEOFFREY: I'm coming!


Just my luck...

Whitney Houston and I had just survived a nuclear holocaust.

And now I was the last man on Earth.

What is going on? FRED: Where's Mr. Moneybags?

What do you mean by disturbing my family this early?

You call 5:30 early? Hell, the day is half gone.

And so is my little girl.

What are you talking about? Here.

Oh, my God.

What is it? Will and Lisa have run off to Las Vegas.

They've eloped.

Well, good night.

Forget it, Hilary.

There's no way I'll cheapen myself to satisfy... the urges of that she-devil down at the IRS.

Excuse me, but you're the guy who ran his picture in the personals... with the word "please" written under it.

Hey, I met a nice gal through that ad.

In some cultures... it's considered a real turn-on for a woman to have a sloped forehead.

Oh. Did you guys hear? Will and Lisa eloped. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Carlton, if you don't do this...

I'm gonna tell Daddy about Carlton Co.

Fine. Next time you wanna sit up all night and girl talk, don't call me.


I'm definitely the Marilyn Munster of this family.

You know, this is all your fault, Fred.

If you'd listened to those kids, they wouldn't have run off.

Me? You're the one that wanted them to get married in a damn sand trap.

The country club does not happen to be a...

Excuse me, excuse me for interrupting... but don't you think it's time for you to call a truce?

Both of your kids are married. Like it or not, we're all family now.

PHIL: You know... she's right, Fred.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

My poor Yvonne, she always wanted Lisa to get married in a big church wedding.

She's probably turning in her grave right now.

You're lucky she's dead.


Uh, uh, I mean, my wife is still alive.


She's gonna kill me when she finds out about this.


You want a beer?

Actually, I'd prefer a white wine spritzer.

Oh. I'm sorry we weren't at the wedding... but, you know, two kids running off in the middle of the night like that.

Kind of romantic, huh? Ha, ha. Yeah, and a whole lot cheaper.



Right this way.


Now, this is more like it.

Ain't no way I was getting married at a place called Temple Emanuel L. Lewis.

Welcome to the Chapel of Soul.

I'm Angela and I'll be your wedding coordinator.

Can you dig it?


Well, let's rap about the kind of ceremony you want.

Did you hear that? It's about what we want.

Oh, yeah, that's right, power to the people up in here.

We offer a number of packages here.

Groove on this.

Oh! Ooh, this is the bomb.

Oh, I knew I liked this place.

Baby, look, they got a package on my all-time idol.

Who's that?

Who's the dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks?

Shaft? You're damn right. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, baby, he's been my idol ever since I was a kid.

Can we have this one?

Baby, can we have the Shaft package? Can we please do that one, baby, please?

Well, okay, baby, but I don't wanna be given away by the pimp.

But, baby, that's what makes the whole...

All right, all right.


Give us the Shaft.

CARLTON: Well, Hilary's investments were primarily in mutual funds and stocks...

although in November, she sold off a number of hairs... Shares.

Now, if you'll refer to form 2106...

I'm having a little trouble reading my copy.

Well, maybe if you turned on a light.

Why don't I just share yours?

Carlton, this whole audit can be resolved very quickly.

All you have to do is cooperate.

What are you doing?

Nobody has to know, nobody gets hurt.

You're busted, lady.

If you don't sign this form exonerating Hilary, I'll sue you for sexual harassment.

Just try. You have no idea what you're up against.

Neither do you.

I thought you might try something, so I took precautions.

That was a tape recorder?

That's right.

I have the whole sordid encounter right here on tape, Dailey.

You're dilly-dallying days are done.



Does this look silly?

What are you talking about, baby?

You look beautiful. Aww. Ha, ha.

This is exactly how I pictured my wedding.

Well, more or less.

Will, Lisa, your Shaft wedding extravaganza is ready to begin.

Solid, let's get it on.

Oh, wait, hold on, baby.

I wrote my own vows.

Oh, Will, I can't wait to hear them.


Come, my children.


[SINGING] Who's the black Philly man that's gonna Take this fine woman's hand Smith That's fine, that's me.

You're damn right Who is the man that's got some vows In his hand to tell his woman Will Smith Can you dig it?

"Lisa... you're my sun, my moon, my stars.

You're my whole universe.

You make me feel complete.

I wanna be with you forever..."

Smith Sure enough.

Right. Um...

"From the first time I saw you...

I knew that I wanted to be with you always.

I knew that I wanted to hold you and love you..."

Smith Will Smith, yeah

Right on.

All right. Um...

They say this cat Smith Is a bad mother...

Shut your mouth.

Well, they talking about you.

Can I do this, please?

Um, where was I? "Lisa..."

You're a complicated man There's no one who understands you But your woman Will Smith


Look, Lisa, what I'm trying to say is...


All right, that's enough!


That's it.

Look, Lisa, baby, I'm telling you...

I want to marry you, but definitely not like this.

Right on, Will.

Oh, by the way, dude, your Isaac Hayes impression stinks.

I don't know, I thought it was pretty good.

I don't understand, the IRS is just letting me off?

What did you have to do?

I don't wanna hear this.

Don't worry, I've done nothing to be ashamed of.

I blackmailed her.

She was harassing me. Listen to this.

She'll have fun, fun, fun Till her daddy takes the T-Bird away Fun, fun, fun till her da...

Carlton, that's annoying, but it's not harassment.

Thank God I pressed the wrong button. The B-side is John Travolta's polka classics.

Okay. Okay, thank you.


Phil, I tell you, this is the life, man.

And that butler of yours makes one mean sandwich.

What is that, Grey Poupon?

Mm. You like it? Ooh.

I'll see you go home with a case of it.

Ha, ha. Hey, listen to this.

Now, the country club let me slide my wedding deposit... over to the pro shop. Yeah?

Now, for five years, I've had my eye on one of those turbo driven golf carts.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

So Daddy's coming home with a Turf Buddy.

All right. Ha, ha.

Man, you made me think of something.

All my life I wanted a Harley-Davidson.

And with the $10,000 I'm saving on that wedding...

I can get the hog of life.


Five. Fred. Oh, Fred.

I'll tell you. We got some great kids.

Ain't it the truth, huh?

Hey, guys, what's up? Look, we got good news.

No, we already know, we read the note.

Oh, you don't get it, we didn't go through with it.

Well, you know, it really didn't feel right, you know... without all our family and friends there.

So we decided you guys can go ahead with the traditional blowout wedding.

With all the trimmings. Yep.

So, uh, Uncle Phil... you can fly in all my boys and all my boys' boys... and all my boys' boys' boys, you know? Ha, ha.

We're gonna rock that Bel-Air Country Club so hard... we'll have Bob Hope do the tootsie roll, you know what I mean?

Ah, well, hear this, son, you two are gonna get married... right here on this patio and you're gonna like it.

Daddy, we decided... Don't worry... we'll get you some cake and something to wash it down with.

PHIL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can talk about this. The wedding's not gonna be till May. Ha, ha.

So, Fred, you wanna take a spin around the block in my Turf Buddy?

I'm there.

FRED: Hey, can you pop a wheelie?

Only if he sits on it.

It's like I don't believe this mess.

I mean, doesn't anybody care what we want?