The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E19 Script

Slum Like It... Not! (1995)

Will, I don't think I've ever seen you bite your nails.

Are you worried about something?

I was not biting my nails, Ashley.

[SPITTING]

Well, when I'm nervous...

I put a bag over my head and breathe very deeply.

Does that help? Absolutely.

By the time I regain consciousness...

I've forgotten everything I was worried about.

Come on. I know something's bothering you.

Oh, okay, I'll admit it.

You know, I am getting married in two months... and that does give a brother a lot to think about. Heh.

That doesn't mean I'm worried about my future... because I'm not.

That's how I eat them.

[ASHLEY SIGHS]

Oh, Will, there's nothing to worry about.

So what, you and Lisa have no place to live.

And no money in the bank. And a crummy dead-end job. Heh.

Oh, wait. That would be me.

Well, thank you guys very much. I feel better now.

Don't worry. You and Lisa will be okay. Right.

You'll always be able to make a living. You do own a squeegee, don't you?

No, wait a minute. Me and Lisa are gonna be just fine, okay?

I'm gonna make something of myself.

I got a whole lot of great ideas to make me some money.

So, what's the problem? I ain't got no money.

It takes money to make money, Ashley.

What I need is somebody to just walk in and say...

You know what? I just made a bundle on the stock market. Ha.

Now I just need something to invest it in.

CHORUS [SINGING]: Hallelujah, hallelujah

[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]


Hey, hey.

Hil, you always get money from Uncle Phil. How do you do it?

Well, first I tell him that I love him.

Then I hug him so tight his wallet falls out and I kick it under the couch. Ha.

So you hug him just to get money? That is low.

PHIL: Well... WILL: Give me a hug, you big bear.

Will, if this is about another one of your investment ideas, forget it.

I don't know, they're just a little too... What is the word I'm looking for?

Stupid? Ha-ha-ha. PHIL: Bingo.

Whoa, wait a minute. Dad doesn't need financial advice... from you. Why do you think he has me?

I don't know. Drugstore was closed that weekend?

[CARLTON LAUGHS]

Daddy, why don't you hear Will out? He might say something you like.

Well, I guess you're right.

My father always said there's no such thing as a bad idea.

Yes. But your father never heard about fried-chicken-flavored aspirin.

What did you call it again, Will?

Rotisserie-gold-icillin.

And let's not forget about his beepers that cough.

Oh, now, wait a minute. That one could've worked.

You just never thought it through enough, Uncle Phil.

See, you're sitting in a movie theater, your beeper go off.

Instead of hearing beep, beep, beep, beep, you hear:

[COUGHING AND SNORTING]

See?

That's a lot less annoying, right? Will, I am not interested... in any of your harebrained get-rich-quick schemes.

Okay, okay. Uncle Phil, now listen.

This new idea is not stupid. And I do not wanna get rich quick.

I just wanna be a married man who's responsible and realistic.

And I need to do it in two weeks. Two weeks, Will?

You know, two days would be even better.

If you have an idea you want me to take seriously... present it to me in a well-thought-out, professional manner.

You know, beat by beat.

Mm, mm, mm.

Little Lance Ito. Who'd have thought it?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[GRUNTS]

Come in.

Hey, hey. Hey, look. Hey, dude. I'm only gonna say this once.

Get off me.

I'm only gonna say this twice.

Your Honor, these gentlemen claim to know you.

You want me to throw them in the lockup? Oh, would you?

Hey, Uncle Phil. PHIL: Oh, all right.

Thank you, Kevin.

Get off me, Kevin.

PHIL: What do you two want?

I'm in the middle of making a very crucial decision here.

Uh, go with the original. Extra crispy is overrated.

Get out. Out. All right, all right.

Is it worth five minutes to hear the investment opportunity of a lifetime?

No. I'll take it as a yes. Hit it, Jazz.

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]

[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] Uncle Phil, mon... how would you like to live in an island paradise?

You expect me to buy an island? Oh, no, mon.

I expect you to retire there.

WILL: Boom!

Oh. Look at this man.

The sun from your melon be blinding the little children.

WILL: Blee-bah-bah!

Get to the point!

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay, okay. All right, okay.

Okay. Uncle Phil, all we're saying is all this could be yours... if you invest in this.

PHIL: An apartment building? WILL: No, no, no.

This isn't just an apartment building, Uncle Phil. This is...

[JAZZ MAKES TRUMPET FANFARE SOUND]

Chalet Towers. JAZZ: Uh-huh.

I don't think I'm interested.

Well... Jazz lives here, Uncle Phil.

Oh, that's very different. I know I'm not interested.

Oh, come on. I don't want our cozy abode turned into a strip mall.

I lived in a strip mall, Mr. Banks.

And I don't need to tell you how hard it is to take a bath in the men's room sink.

Bailiff! Oh, okay. All right, look, Uncle Phil.

If you will just look at the figures. Just please look. Look.

The current owner has to sell quick. We can make a killing on this.

Is the floorshow over yet?

I get the feeling you're not taking me seriously, Uncle Phil.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Whoopi.

But I can assure you that Donald Trump does not negotiate business deals... playing a ukulele and wearing a Bullwinkle hat.

Okay, okay. Point well taken, Uncle Phil. But facts are facts.

And if you just look at the figures, I'll leave.

Okay, I'll look.

Okay, I'm looking.

I'm looking.

I looked, now leave.

WILL IMITATING CARLTON [IN VOICEOVER]: Dear big guy, I got really excited... when this crossed my desk. Take a look-see. Carlton.

Yeah.

Hey, I wasn't doing nothing. Hey.

Hello, Master William.

Danish? Only on my mother's side.

Uncle Phil. Good morning.

Morning. Carlton left something. He wants you... He wants you to read.

Wants you to read it. Carlton worked up a proposal... of his own. Oh, yeah. He be proposing stuff, you know.

PHIL: Ah. Mmm. Mm-mm. WILL: Mm-mm.

This is impressive.

Yeah. Now this is how you put together a presentation.

See how he's organized all the facts and figures here?

Yeah. Some of these figures look pretty good.

Mm. You just like that piechart in there, don't you?

Ha, ha. Well, you can joke if you want to.

I wouldn't mind taking a big bite out of this pie.

So you mean you like this presentation, Uncle Phil?

I certainly do.

Oh. Hey, I'm sorry, son. It's just that, you know... well, this is where Carlton shines. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know... my presentation was nothing compared to this.

Oh, get the...

Oh, wait a minute.

This is my presentation.

Look. What that say there? "Presented by Will Smith."

Oh, that what it says?

You know, it's amazing because just last night... you were saying how stupid this was. It must have morphed.

Yeah, well, see, I really flipped through it rather quickly, you know... and... You backpedal any faster, Uncle Phil... you're gonna moonwalk right through that wall.

So you want me to take a chance on you, huh?

No, I want you to give me a chance, Uncle Phil.

Listen, I'm really serious about this. I'm not asking for a handout.

You're gonna make a bundle on this deal too.

Okay, son. I'll have my accountant check it out.

Uh, whoa, hold it. Little problem, little problem.

Got a little time problem here. This place is gonna go fast.

Look, just give me the 5 percent, let me put it down.

I mean, you spend more than that on Milk Duds.

You know, in the course of a year. You know.

You know, Will, you backpedal pretty well yourself.

I think you got yourself a deal.

I'll call a real estate agent as soon as they open.

All right. Thanks a lot. PHIL: You're welcome.

All right. Let go of my hand.

Thank you. Okay. Whoo!

[LAUGHING]

Congratulations.

We closed escrow at 5:00 this evening. Really?

We are gonna make a bundle. All right.

Excuse me, but someone's in trouble.

That's more like it. Ha, ha. He's right over here, officer.

Philip Banks? I'm Philip Banks.

It's been a pleasure serving you.

Well, what is it, big guy? Well... apparently, I'm the owner of housing that has substandard living conditions.

I told you to get a big-screen TV.

Not this house. Chalet Towers.

The tenants have filed a suit against me.

What does that mean? It means that I'm a slumlord thanks to Will.

[COUGHING]

Excuse me, my beeper.

[PHIL COUGHS]

Whoo.

Aw, man, I don't know what all these complaints is about.

This place ain't that bad.

Find something nice to say about that.

I think I killed a rat.

Well, that's enough, you two. We got a long day ahead of us.

Gotta meet with the tenants and get some repairmen up here.

Dad, if it wasn't for Will, you would never have had to set foot... in this hellhole. Don't worry about me.

Remember, I wasn't born rich. I know how to rough it.

[MUFFLED] Could someone grab the cappuccino maker?

Got it, G. Thank you, Master William.

Well, Uncle Phil, the only way it could get rough now... is if Geoffrey forgot your croissants.

Would you just set things up?

I'd like to get this mess cleaned up before the word gets out.

Too late, big guy. The slumlord allegations made the morning paper.

Good Lord, some unscrupulous person... must have tipped off the press for a tidy sum.

Oh, this is just great. Just great.

Oh, hey. Hey, man.

Come on, Uncle Phil, let's look at the bright side here. Eh?

Now our little penthouse got central air. Whoosh.

Ventilation.

Yeah. That will have the tenants just flocking in.

And so will this.

[CRUNCHING]

You allow pets.

Good Lord, who knows what kind of vermin are in here?

How do?

I don't have time for you, Jazz. I have to meet with the head... of the tenants association. Okay. Before I go, this'll make you laugh.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

The head of the tenants association. That's me.

But wait a minute.

Jazz, you mean you're the person that's suing my uncle?

Man, what were you thinking about? Just trying to protect your investment.

After you put a couple of million dollars in this place, it'll be worth thousands.

Can I see the list of complaints, please?

"Somebody keep making them damn Chevy Chase movies.

Dude in apartment 3G keep calling me sugar drawers."

Complaints about the building, Jazz.

I think they kick in right here, Uncle Phil.

"Sticky stuff on the stairs tastes bitter."

Oh, my God, let me see this.

I only have seven days to bring every violation up to code... and look at all of these.

Look, you want me to start calling repairmen?

No. He wants you to call the idiot... who keeps greenlighting all those Chevy Chase movies.

Carlton, let's get a move on. While Will's calling, we'll check everything.

Start from the roof, work our way down. Right behind you.

Oh, I bet you are, Carlton. Because you can't kiss his butt from here.

Good one, Master William. Ha, ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, well, look at this.

A cracked mirror, peeling paint. Come on, all this stuff is cosmetic.

I still think we got ourselves a sound investment here.

CARLTON: Dad, come over here.

What kind of idiot would patch the roof with newspaper?

[PHIL SCREAMING]

What took you so long?

What's up with the carpenters?

Oh. Didn't you hear? Their new hits collection comes out next week.

[IMITATING CARLTON] Oh. Well, jeez Louise... we better rush down and wait in line right now.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Hey, are you having fun with me?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Very little.

Half of our workers didn't show up and we are not exactly professionals.

We got a ton of work to do and we got less than four days to do it in.

What's this "we" business?

I'm here for one reason only. To protect Dad's investment.

If your dad gets sued for everything he got, who's gonna protect you?

Let me at it. All right. Hey, look.

Just hold the flashlight into the fuse box so I can see. Please?

Thank you.

Hey, look at this.

What? What do you see? Bunny rabbit. Ha, ha.

Look. An American eagle with one wing.

Stop it, Carlton.

Now, put it back in the fuse box, please. This is dangerous.

Not if you know how to read.

Look, it says touch here.

Cool. But wait. There's more.

"A town risk."

What the heck does that mean? A town risk.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, at own risk. Sorry.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]


[GRUNTS]

So how are you two doing?

Not bad, all things considered. In fact, this week was kind of invigorating.

Which reminds me, I think I'm gonna go freshen up.

I think I saw a hydrant on the corner and now I know how to use a wrench.

[PHIL LAUGHS]

What the heck is he happy about? This thing was a disaster.

Oh, no. Will, this place looks... Like hell?

Hell looks a lot better than this, I hope.

Don't worry. Since the repairmen didn't show up... they gave me a week's extension. So come on.

You've been working night and day. You've done your best.

Yeah, I did my best and look what happened.

[WILL SCOFFS]

I don't even know why Lisa wants to marry me.

Well, you got me there.

You used to be a lot better at these little talks, Uncle Phil.

I'm scared, man.

I mean, what if I never get my life together?

Will, I really did not wanna have to go here, but you're just gonna make me do it, huh?

Hey, man, don't you think I'm a little old for a spanking?

You know, of all the kids, you give me the most grief.

But you know what?

You are the one that I never worry about.

You mean that, Uncle Phil?

Yeah. Just don't tell anybody.

Hey, wait, wait. Hey, man, I've got to tell Carlton.

Look, I can catch him. Can I tell Carlton? No, come on. Just let's go.

Wait, um...

[WILL SIGHS]

Look, Uncle Phil, man, um, you know, I just wanted...

I wanna say, you know, because... Yeah...

Yeah, sure. Me too. You know?

You know... You know what I mean, right? Yeah. Mm-hm.

Sure.

And they say guys can't express their true feelings.

You know what I'm saying? Hah, hah. Ha-ha-ha.

That's ridiculous, isn't it? Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ouch. Ha-ha-ha.

Okay, let's go.

Look, I love you, Uncle Phil.

Let's jet.

Oh, "let's jet." That was hip. Did you hurt yourself?

Hey, Mr. Banks, I just wanted to say... Oh, that's okay, Jazz.

You don't have to thank me. Thank you?

Damn, a coat of paint in a roach motel and you're all over yourself.

I came to make you an offer. Offer?

Yeah, an offer to withhold my rent until I can come up with it.

Not on your life.

Very well, then.

Thank you for considering my proposal.

Have a nice day.

[STAIRS CREAK]

Hey, landlord. Do I detect a hazardous stairwell?

[YELLS]

[JAZZ THUDDING]

Ooh. My God.

Uh, that's okay, Uncle Phil. His rent check would have bounced too.