The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E21 Script

Save the Last Trance for Me (1995)

Look, Carlton, for the last time, no.

I do not want a hypnotist at my bachelor party.

But, Will, you don't know how incredibly cool it is.

I don't want cool, fool.

I want something simple.

Just me and my boys barking like seals at naked women.

[BARKING]

But, Will, that's so politically incorrect.

No one likes naked women anymore, believe me.

Tell me again, why did I make you my best man?

You said I'm like the brother you never had.

No, no, I said you like the brother I never wanted.

Look, Will, I put a lot of thought into this. The least you can do is keep an open mind.

[WILL SIGHS]

All right, all right, fine.

Maybe there is something to this hypnotism stuff.

You are getting shorter.

When you wake up, you will be very, very short.

Damn, see, that stuff does work.

[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]


Here are the directions to the Crescent Rock School.

Now, you have to have Nicky there for his interview by 10 a. m.

That interview was today?

Philip, don't tell me you...

Well, uh... Uh... WILL: Hmm.

[IN NATIVE AMERICAN ACCENT] Distant drums say man with giant pants... forget important interview.

Will, this is serious. This is one of the top two schools in L.A.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh. I was just playing, Aunt Viv. It's cool, relax. I'll take Nicky.

What are you doing in about two hours? Sorry, Dad, I have a hair appointment.

Well, can't you cancel it?

[LAUGHING]

Good one, Daddy. Ha.

Uh... Hello. I said I'll take him, Uncle Phil.

Carlton.

Got a class.

Uh, Will Smith's in the house.

Hello. Geoffrey.

Certainly, sir. I'll just have to make this triple fudge bundt cake tomorrow.

Mm. Geoffrey's out. Geoffrey's out.

Ashley, can you drive him?

Sure, my bike has a basket.

Well, Uncle Phil, it looks like it's down to me.

Or that weird dude that be vacuuming our pool.

Oh, Gus is here? Uncle Phil. Look.

Oh, all right. All right, you can... You can take him.

All right.

Big mistake. Hey, what are you talking about?

What, you think I don't want Nicky to get into a good school?

Education is very important to me.

Say, don't you have a class now?

Oh, that's not important.

All right, suppose they ask you why you wanna go to their school.

What do you tell them? I don't know.

Of course you do.

Say, "I think this school has a nurturing environment... which will best realize my education potential."

Or you could say, "In two years, I'll be bigger than you."

Will, if you don't mind...

I'm trying to get Nicky ready for his interview.

Well, you need to stop pressuring him. You treat him like a ventriloquist's dummy.

That's not what I'm doing.

Nicky, what school do you wanna go to?

NICKY: The best school in L.A. Crescent Rock School.

Yeah, I was wrong, Carlton.

You're the dummy.

Hey, Nicky, check it out.

Yo, post up, post up, post up. Ooh.

Hey, are you all right?

Hey, look. Now, Nicky, I don't want you to be nervous, all right?

I want you to ignore everything that Carlton said.

Just be yourself, all right?

[GRUNTING]

Now I know what Uncle Phil must feel like in a Miata.

Hi, I'm Penny Abigail Jillette.

This school has a warm, nurturing atmosphere.

I'm Nicky. Is there any apple juice?

Hi, I'm Ruby Jillette. I'm Penny's mom.

Oh, hey. Hi, I'm Will. I'm Nicky's cousin. Ah.

That may be why the other adults were standing.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, well, Penny seems to be a really bright little girl.

Sorry. Uh...

Um, yes, she is.

She started writing poetry at age 3.

Now she's publishing a little magazine for the kids on the Internet.

Yeah, well, you know, Nicky be writing too.

You know, yeah.

You know, he... He just wrote, produced, directed his first screenplay.

The Forest Gumby.

Look, I can make myself dizzy.

Nick...

Nicky...

[WILL CHUCKLES]

That's a part of his comedy act. Heh.

Yeah, that one killed them at Def Jam, Junior. Ha, ha.

Nicky, why don't you sit? Ooh.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, I'm Miss Jansen, one of the kindergarten teachers.

Basically, we're just observing the kids. Mm-hm.

Seeing how they play, how they interact with one another.

Oh, hey, well, Nicky here is a big interacter.

You might call him the last interaction hero, you know.

It looks like we've got a couple of sculptors.

I made an Arabian stallion.

That's remarkable.

Well, wait till y'all see what Nicky made.

Shoot, it's... Uh...

This... This is a...

It looks like a rock.

This is that mountain from Hawaii, Mount Kichikichiyayadada.

It's really a turtle. He's inside his shell.

Is he hiding because he's nervous about going to a new school?

No, he's watching Power Rangers.

[JANSEN & WILL CHUCKLE]

Well, that's great.

I've gotta go now and set up your snacks.

Can I help?

Sure you can, Nicky. Come on.

[SCOFFS]

What you making now?

What, an artificial heart valve?

So how'd the interview go?

Oh, great.

You know, I mean, not "great" great, you know.

But it was good.

It was good. You know.

You know, not that good, you know.

But... What is the word I'm looking for?

Bad? Worse than that, but I'll go with bad.

Oh, Will.

Look, come on, it wasn't Nicky's fault.

NICKY: That's right.

Will's the one that got yelled at for stealing.

Look.

Well, she had it coming after the way she talked about your mountain.

It was a turtle.

Nicky, go make yourself dizzy.

Nicky, Nicky, Nicky.

Stop, stop, look. Just sit down. Sit here. Ah.

Nice work, Will.

You'd better hope that he gets into the Considine School.

The head of admissions is coming to interview the entire family... and, unfortunately, that includes you.

CARLTON: Ho, ho. Hold the phone, big guy.

Will and I have a magical evening planned.

Are you sure that while Aunt Viv was pregnant with Carlton... she wasn't, you know?

You promised we'd go see the hypnotist, remember?

[WILL SIGHS]

Oh, look at this.

Tippy The Drunken Penguin is his opening act.

Ooh, you think we could get him for my bachelor party?

I wish.

Do whatever you want.

Just be sure you're back here promptly at 8.

We're going to show those people from Considine... that we're a warm, caring loving family or I'm going to kill you.

Oh, come on, Uncle Phil, hasn't there been enough black-on-black violence?

Man, I will see you at 8.

At the sound of the bell, you will awaken from your trance.

However, you will think that you are naked.

Three, two...

[RINGS]

[SIGHS]

[GASPS THEN SCREAMS]

Look, Will, she thinks she's naked. Isn't this exciting?

Carlton, are you sure Aunt Viv didn't?

Now, who would like to be my next volunteer?

Someone who doesn't embarrass easily.

Pick me, oh, Great Mentos, pick me.

Ooh. Shoot me, oh, Great Mentos, shoot me.

Uhh... How about you?

[SIGHS]

GREAT MENTOS: You are in a state of full relaxation.

The sound of my voice is very soothing.

And you will accept any suggestion that I make.

I want to take you back.

At the sound of the bell, you will be 4 years old.

CARLTON: Will, wake up.

The show is almost over and you haven't even touched your pie.

Pie.

Oh, my God, Uncle Phil.

Carlton, we were supposed to be back at the house at 8:00.

Come on, I'm gonna go get our coats.

Remember, at the sound of the bell, you will be 4 years old.

[DINGS]

[MUMBLING]

[GIGGLING]

[DINGS]

Can I help you?

Could I have my coat?

My fault.

WILL: Hey, hey. Well, it's about time.

Man from Considine School's gonna be here any minute.

Hey, look, I'm sorry we're late, Uncle Phil. And you just forget it.

There's no way I'm humiliating myself... by having some corny loser at my bachelor party.

Hey, don't talk about The Great Mentos like that.

I wasn't.

All right, just settle down. Is everything ready, Ashley?

I think so. I've replaced all the video tapes with insect documentaries.

Good Lord, Hilary. What are you reading?

The Victoria's Secret catalog.

It's their end-of-the-season thong blowout. Ha, ha.

Ooh. That's a good issue too.

Everything in there is half off. You know what I'm saying?

That is not the kind of image we wanna present. Give me that.

Or better yet, give me that.

PHIL: Oh, there you are. There's my little man.

Come on, sweetheart, have a seat right here.

Philip, this is ridiculous.

I hate pretending to be something we're not.

Oh. Well, fine, Vivian, so Nicky doesn't get into a good school this year.

He can stay home with Will... watching Power Rangers and making himself dizzy.

Honey, here, just hold this.

And try to stay awake.

Whoa, G, man, something smells good.

Aren't you glad I use Dial?

Oh, you meant the crab puffs.

Yeah, man, these things is kind of tiny.

I seen Uncle Phil pick bigger chunks of food out of his teeth. Ha, ha.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come in.

That never works.

He's here. We better get out there.

[WILL GRUNTS]

What the heck is wrong with you?

[IN CHILD'S VOICE] I gotta go potty.

Well, what are you telling me for?

You gotta take me, please? Come on.

Hey, the buddy system stops at the pool, mister.

Look, come on, I gotta go. Come on, come on, come on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Come on, what are you tripping for? Uncle Phil's in there, let's go.

Will's acting kind of weird.

It must be all that rap music.

I'd like to strangle the man who invented the doorbell.

The bell, that's it.

Geoffrey, Will's been hypnotized.

The Great Mentos made him think he's 4 years old.

Can he make me think I care?

Will, Will.

And this is our son, Carlton. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, and this must be Nicholas.

Yes, stand up, Nicholas and shake Mr. Spiegel's hand.

I can't, my legs are numb.

Oh. Oh.

Look at that, the boy would rather read than walk. Isn't that beautiful? Heh.

So who's the musician?

Oh, that would be me. Ha.

I play a little cello.

But this is a bass.

Well, the cello's in the shop, this is a loaner.

Oh, the World of Discovery series.

This one is marvelous. The Ant, Nature's Busiest Worker.

Oh, yes. Ants are extremely intelligent. I still can't believe they run their own farms.

Ha, ha. VIVIAN: Well, yes. Mr. Spiegel.

Won't you try one of our crab puffs?

I got the recipe from our favorite little bistro in Paris, Le Bistro.

Actually, madam, I got it from the Gary Coleman Cookbook.

Hope you like short ribs.

[OVEN TIMER RINGS]

Ah, I hear the little guys now. Ha-ha-ha.

So is that a Princeton tie you're wearing? Mm-hm.

Oh, I'm a Princeton man, class of '69.

You're kidding, class of '73. Ha-ha-ha.

[IN CHILD'S VOICE] You like seafood?

Of course.

See, food.

[SINGING] Crash through the line of blue And send the backs on 'round the end Fight, fight for every yard Princeton's honor to defend Rah, rah, rah PHIL & SPIEGEL: Argh!

[PHIL LAUGHING]

Come on, Will, let's go in the kitchen. I don't want to. No.

I'll give you a snickerdoodle. Okay.

Certainly is great to have another Princeton Tiger in the house. Ha, ha.

I need something that rings.

Oh, I know, the oven timer.

Oh, H-E-double-toothpicks.

Ooh.

Geoffrey, do you have anything with bells on it?

Why, certainly, Master Carlton.

I just happen to have a trolley in my trousers.

CARLTON: Whoa!

I need you to stay put, young man.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Okay, I'm gonna go look for something with a bell.

You're not gonna move, right?

No. Good.

Simon says, "Freeze."

That's it. Little boys who don't behave go to the pool house.

Make me. Ha, ha.

My pleasure, you little rug rat.

Ooh, ooh. Stop, I'm gonna tell. Stop, I'm gonna tell.

Help! Help!

That's it. You're on a time out, mister.

Now, come on. You're sitting in the comer.

What the hell is going on in here?

He can't talk to you, Dad, he's in time out.

I don't care what kind of shenanigans you two are trying to pull here.

We're not pulling anything, Dad. Will's been hypnotized.

He'll snap out of it if I find a bell, but I can't find one to ring.

I'll ring your head like a bell if you don't get in there.

When I first read the brochure for Considine School...

I knew it was the perfect...

Somebody wanna hear a joke?

Excuse me, Will, I'm talking here. So I decided...

Okay. What's the most musical part of your body?

I don't know.

Your nose because you can pick it and blow it. Ha-ha-ha.

I don't get it.

Okay, I got another one. I got another one.

Could I speak to you for a minute?

Pick it and blow it, oh, I get it. Ha.

Excuse me, mister, I'll shine your head for a nickel. Ha-ha-ha.

Will. Over here. Now.

He's a little high-strung, isn't he?

Oh, look what you did to the poor little fella.

For the love of God, does nobody have a bell?

Obviously, you're in some sort of a family crisis here... and I think it's best if I just be going.

Uh... Uh... Oh, no, please. Mr. Spiegel. I can explain the entire situation.

I'm sure you can.

To another school.

Good luck.

I found a bell.

[RINGS]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What the hell is in those crab puffs?

Well, that hypnotist certainly can put on a show.

Yeah, I'm just glad he unhypnotized me.

Too bad we got stuck behind that ice cream truck on the way there.

Yeah, those bells turned you into a raving maniac.

Hey, I missed dinner, okay?

Philip, you'll never guess what happened.

The Crescent Rock School called, they've accepted Nicky.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, put it there, my man.

BOTH: Pssh! Ha-ha-ha.

They said it was his sincerity that impressed them the most.

They liked that he was just being himself. That's what Will told me to do.

Oh, you preach it there, little bro.

That's what I'm talking about.

You know, it just seems to me... that there might be a cash gift involved here somewhere, I don't know.

Well, I'll settle for just a hearty handshake.

Psh, psh. All right, bro.

Don't push it. Come on.

I know you're not still mad at me about last night.

I was hypnotized. I couldn't help it.

No, I suppose not. I guess weak-willed individuals like you... are just susceptible to that kind of mental manipulation.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[BARKING]

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, I'll walk him, but somebody else gonna have to pooper scoop.