The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E22 Script

To Thine Own Self Be Blue... and Gold (1995)

Hey, hey, what's up, y'all?

Master Carlton's trying to get a date with his computer.

Oh, damn, what happened, man, the toaster turn you down?

Har-dee-har-har.

This romance chat line on the Internet happens to be a great way to meet babes.

Look, I think the handle I've picked is pretty nifty.

Loser Boy.

Well, honesty is one way to go.

Will, that's a typo. I'm Lover Boy.

And I guess lying is the other way to go. Heh.

No, I can come up with a better one.

Ah! How about this one? Hershey's Kiss. Huh?

Because you're little... you're chocolate... and you're rich.

And then your head come to this stupid little point and, you know:

[MUTTERS]

[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]


Geoffrey, I am so excited.

Will put a personal ad on the Internet for me and I already got a response.

Listen to this:

"Hershey's Kiss would like to get together with Brown Sugar..."

That's me.

"for a Nestlé's quickie."

[GIGGLES]

You're going out with Hershey's Kiss?

[GIGGLES]

[LAUGHING]

What's so funny?

Miss Hilary... remember when you caught me in the potting shed... with Sabrina, the tennis tutor?

Oh, I certainly do. And Daddy was so mad when I told him.

Yes, remember I said I'd get you back?

Yeah.

We're even.

Geoffrey, come back here.

Where did all the shoes come from?

Shh. They'll hear you.

These are not just shoes, Hilary. These are Pro Kicks.

The shoe fairy sent them. Heh-heh.

Cecil from Ladies Footwear sent us shoes?

A guy named Ernest sent them. He's an old friend of Dad's.

Oh, these shoes are great. I'm never taking these off.

Man, this will change my whole life.

Yes, now you can drive the car without sitting on phone books.

Oh, so Ernest sent these?

Yes, Ernest did. I love Ernest. Ernest is God.

Who the hell is Ernest?

Well, he's the president of Pro Kicks.

Well, he's opening an office here in L.A.

Oh, man, it's gonna be great seeing him again.

Well, him and I go way back. He's the reason that I pledged Pi Nu.

Uh... Excuse me for a second, sir. Um...

The name of your fraternity was Pi Nu?

So that made you what, a pie man?

Yes.

Oh. So, you know, you probably hung out with the sorority girls from Beta Crocker.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh... That's funny.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I guess you wouldn't be interested... that Ernest said he has an entry-level position open... and he just asked me if I knew any bright young man who needed a job?

Oh! Oh! I'll take it. I'll take it, Uncle Phil. Hmm.

Look, I just need to have a quick talk with my current employer.

I quit.

Will, please, to get a job like this... you have to be highly skilled in my particular area of expertise.

What, sucking up? Exactly.

Hey, you two, that's enough. Ernie is coming here tonight... and I want you both to behave in a civilized, dignified manner.

If in doubt, just follow my lead.

[THE TEMPTATIONS' "AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG" PLAYS OVER STEREO]

THE TEMPTATIONS [SINGING]: Ain't too proud to beg Sweet darling, Please don't leave me, girl

[SINGING ALONG]

Let me go. Okay, roll it. Yeah.

Baby, baby, Please, don't leave me, girl Bring it home, my boy. Hey, can you walk?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's it.

ALL: Hoo! Hoo!

Yeah. Hoo!

[CHUCKLES]

Where's a gong when you need one?

Yeah. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hoo! Hoo! Hey. Hoo! Hoo!

Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, God, I love this guy. I love this guy.

Ernie, my nephew, Will.

Hey, from Philly, right? Yes, sir.

Yeah, Moose told me all about you.

Moose. Yeah, yeah.

Back in the day, your uncle's nickname was Moose.

Wow, what a coincidence, because Bullwinkle's nickname is Phil.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Moose, remember spring fling and Betty Webber?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

Stuey Baker, Stuey Baker. Oh, yeah.

Got his grandpa's recipe for moonshine. Made us so damn sick.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha!

ERNEST: Stuey Baker.

Hey, so, what's he doing now? Oh, he's dead.

Dead drunk probably.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, man. I love this guy.

I am so glad you're opening an L.A. office, man.

God, so great to see you.

Yeah, good to see you too. Hey, you know what?

That's really funny to me that you're opening an L.A. office.

Yeah. Yup. Get the heck out of here.

Hey, you know, because actually...

I live in L.A. and I'm not averse to working in an office.

Oh, all right. Carlton Banks, sir.

I hear you have a job opening and I'm a 3.8 student.

Actually, he's being a little modest. Carlton, come on, he's at least 4 feet.

[CHUCKLES]

But, seriously, about this job, man.

Yeah, well, I'm looking for some bright, young person... to bring into my new office.

That is if I can open up a factory here.

I mean, Councilman Braddock has been hassling me about a zoning permit.

Councilman Braddock, I work with him and he's a tough cookie.

Speaking of cookies, I've been running the campus restaurant...

Right into the ground. Uh... Heh.

But if you were looking for someone who's about to get married... so is therefore more prepared to make a long-term commitment... you might wanna choose...

This in-debt, unreliable busboy whose only asset...

Okay, boys, boys, that's enough.

Hey, no, no, no, it's okay. I like that competitive spirit.

Yeah, it looks like I got two good candidates for my internship.

Internship? Yeah.

As in non-paying job?

Well, yeah.

Good to meet you, Ernest.

Hey, Will, if you're still interested, the job is yours.

What do you say?

I love this guy.

[ALL LAUGH]

Geoffrey, tonight's the night I meet Brown Sugar, my sweet soul sister.

Well, you're half right. Hah!

Master Carlton... there is something you should know before you go out on your date.

Oh, please, you're giving me advice about a date.

The last time you had a date, Dad had a Jheri curl.

What could you possibly have to tell me?

Have a lovely time.

Thanks.

[PHONE RINGS]

Carlton Banks.

You're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you.

I said I'm calling you from my new cellular phone.

Mr. Big Shot on his cell phone.

Will, that's a pretty cheap piece of equipment.

All I'm getting is static. Speak up.

Is this better? Ow!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Carlton, man, I got to tell you, this is the job of my dreams.

No wait, let me change that. This is the job of your dreams.

Aah!

What are you talking about?

Man, you know, God, I just...

I really don't think there's any need for me to rub it in, you know.

[COUGHS]

Excuse me, that was a Visa. Oh.

[COUGHS]

That's an American Express.

[COUGHS THEN LAUGHS]

I think that was a Diner's Club.

Gosh, you know, I'm gonna have to have them... turn down the air conditioning in my little corner office.

If you think you're getting to me, think again.

Look, sour grapes is just not my kind of fruit.

He's walking, he's walking.

He's outside now.

He stops, picks a little flower.

Walks a little farther around the corner, he looks up and he sees...

[CARLTON SCREAMS] the company Porsche.

[LAUGHS]

Whoo-hoo. Life is good.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, hey.

Brought your Porsche back for you, Mr. James.

Mr. James, is my father here?

[BOTH LAUGH]

No, sir, no sir.

I mean, Ernie.

There you go. Yeah.

You know, it starts to pull a little to the left at about 90.

Uh... Says the manual.

Tell you what, Will, you're a part of the company now... why don't you just hang on to the keys, huh?

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Okey-doke.

For real? Yeah.

Man, look, you keep treating me this good, I'm gonna have to start calling you "Pops."

[LAUGHS]

Hey, listen, on your way home...

I need you to take this to Councilman Braddock.

Now, I wouldn't just let anybody handle this... but, see, I trust you, Will.

Well, it's a good thing too, because if I wanted to open it... these little locks sure wouldn't stop me.

Oh, but I think they would.

Oh, no, man, I know brothers in Philly, all they got to do...

Whoo! Ow! Ow! Whoo!

Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh.

What money? I did not see no money.

I did not see no money.

I didn't see a dime, nothing.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

No, no, no. Hey, it's okay. I mean, I ain't seen this.

I looked the other way when it popped.

Hey, take it easy, hold it, now, just take it easy.

Hey, Will, I tell you what, I tell you what, Will. Uh...

Why don't you sit down, Will.

Yeah.

You look troubled, son.

Troubled? No, man, you know, I mean...

Why would I be troubled? You know, because, I mean...

I'm sure there's a legitimate reason you're sending a briefcase full of money... to a councilman that controls your business interest, man.

[MUTTERING]

Well, can we just say it's a birthday present, huh?

Yes, we could. Yeah, yeah, we could say that.

Because that's what I had thought, you know.

I figured that's what it was, you know. I didn't see no party hats, no...

Heeh! in there.

[MUTTERS]

Do you mind if I sit down?

You are sitting down.

Thank you.

Look... Um...

Listen, I don't think that I'll be able... to make your little delivery for you, Mr. James.

See... Uh...

Ooh. Pshh.

They had called me.

From... Because the other time... you know, remember the car had skid and then because it had rained.

I'll just go ahead, okay?

Oh, oh, oh. Not so fast, Will.

I'm not gonna let you leave this office...

No! No!

Oh, no! No!

Hey, what are you gonna do?

Until I give you this bonus.

Yeah.

I just want you to know how much I value your work around here.

[CHUCKLES]

Whoo. Heh.

That much, huh? Yeah.

[ERNEST LAUGHS]

More money, more money, more money. Yeah, yeah.

And just saying you're... You know, you're about to be married.

And I'm sure you can use it.

[CHUCKLES]

Look, um, I don't know, man.

You know... Hey, I haven't earned it.

Oh, but you will. Yeah, you will.

Now, here. Now, take this.

Okay? And grab the briefcase here.

All right, and run along. Okay, son?

All right. Yeah.

I'll go ahead. Okay.

I'm going. Okay.

Straight to hell.

I'm so excited. Tonight I finally meet my mystery man.

This much happiness should be illegal.

[CHUCKLES]

I believe it is.

Brown Sugar, here I come.

Why, what have we here?

Ha. It's 1995, Geoffrey.

When a fella goes on a date, he better carry protection.

Sani-Seat.

Oh, and I'm also bringing my secret weapon.

That's right, Tony Orlando with Dawn.

Will? What money?

Will, what's that under your jacket?

Huh?

Oh, it's nothing. You know, it's just a little, old briefcase.

You know, but it's not really important, because there ain't nothing in it, you know.

Will, as soon as you stop clowning around, I need to ask you a question.

If I kissed you on the first date... would you blush and giggle or knee me in the groin?

I'd knee you in the groin, then I'd blush and giggle.

Now, get away from me.

G, where's Uncle Phil? Follow the Ding Dong debris.

Hey, Uncle Phil.

I need to talk to you about Ernest. Oh, okay.

He asked me to deliver this to Councilman Braddock.

Well...

Oh, my God. I know, it flipped me too.

Councilman Braddock is a Tony Orlando and Dawn fan.

He should be run out of office.

Will, what is the problem?

Oh, my... Carlton.

G, where's Carlton at?

He left for Chez Lani Restaurant to meet his dream date.

Oh, man, he's made a terrible mistake.

Heh. You don't know the half of it.

Hilary? Carlton, what are you doing here?

I'm meeting my date.

Wait a minute, what are you doing here? I'm meeting my date.

What a small world. Now, get away.

Hershey's Kiss should be here any minute.

Hershey's Kiss?

Oh, for crying out loud, Hilary, I'm Hershey's Kiss.

You too? Well, what are the odds?

Hilary, work with me here.

I'm Hershey's Kiss, you're Brown Sugar, we're here to date each other.

What are you saying?

I'm dating my own sister.

Is my favorite country Western song.

Oy. I brought all this babe bait for nothing.

Well, just because we're related doesn't mean we can't have dinner.

This is my money. What are you doing? Let go. Come on.

Hey, would you guys stop it?

Carlton, you took my briefcase by mistake. Give it back.

Oh, forget it, finders keepers.

All right, all right. Would you just stop it. Stop it.

Now, would you two get a grip.

Now. Hilary, get off it. Get off it, get off it.

Stop it. Stop.

Now, I gotta go show this to Uncle Phil.

[BOTH SIGH]

Uh... One more thing, y'all two dating?

Hey, Uncle Phil.

Where the hell have you been? Ernest just called and he was very upset.

You were supposed to make a very important delivery.

I got it right here, Uncle...

Yeah, right here is not where it's supposed to be.

All right, look, Uncle Phil, first of all, I'm quitting that job.

Let me tell you, man, this dude, he... Hey, hold on, hold on, you're quitting?

After just three days? I can't believe this.

Uncle Phil, if you would just listen... No, you listen.

This is not just another one of your little screwups, Will.

You're jeopardizing my friendship with Ernest.

Right, but Uncle Phil, what I'm trying to say to you...

No, no, listen to me, okay?

Look, I don't have a lot of close friends.

So if you're gonna quit this job, I wanna know why.

All right, Uncle Phil...

I'd rather not say.

I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't even begin to describe you.

ERNEST: Hey, Phillip.

Am I interrupting something? No, nothing you don't already know.

I'm just having a little discussion with Will about this situation.

Oh, well, look, now, let's not overreact. Okay?

No, look, as far as I'm concerned, there's no excuse.

I think some kind of disciplinary action is in order.

Hey, lighten up. It was only $20,000 in there.

These days that's hardly enough to even be considered a bribe.

Excuse me? Oh, look, look.

If it's your nephew you're worried about, forget it. It's not like he delivered it.

Yeah, that's right.

And your bonus is in there, and the keys to your little filthy Porsche.

And if my drawers wasn't so dirty, I'd snatch this suit and give it to you too.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

What are you doing, Ernie?

Hey, I tell you what the brother's doing.

I'll tell you later. I'll just write it down.

Oh, now, come on, Moose. Now, you know the way of the world.

You can't name me one man who's become a success without bending the law.

Oh, yes, I can.

Me.

Until now.

Now, you take this and get out of my house.

Hey, even if he would have gotten caught, it wouldn't have been that bad.

Oh, yes, it would have been that bad for you.

Now, get out.

You were always so damn naive.

That's right.

You best to press off or you'll get straight molly whopped up in here.

I should have wrote that one down too, right?

Look, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.

No, no, Will, I apologize to you.

Yeah, I know that was your boy and everything, man.

Hey, listen, I know exactly how you feel.

It's just like when I found out that Kermit the Frog... was just a piece of green felt with somebody's hand up his butt.

Something like that, son.

Good night.

Hey, hey, hey. Uncle Phil, come on, man, come on.

The night is still young, man.

Hey, come on, come on. I don't feel like this, Will.

[THE TEMPTATIONS' "AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG" PLAYS OVER STEREO]

THE TEMPTATIONS [SINGING]: I know you want to leave me But I refuse to let you go If I have to beg And plead for your sympathy I don't mind 'Cause you mean that much to me Come on, Moose, let that caboose loose.

If I have to beg And plead for your sympathy You stupid. Ha-ha.

- Please don't leave me, girl CHORUS: Don't you go

[LAUGHS]