The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E3 Script

Reality Bites (1994)

Yo, Nicky, you ready? NICKY: Almost.

Hurry up, man, we got to get on.

Where's Nicky? Today is children's day at the Nixon Library.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, man. Nicky's going with me.

I'm taking him to the sorority beach-volleyball tournament.

Mm. Two hundred honeys bumping and spiking. You know what I mean? Heh.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you don't know what I mean.

Will, you're just Nicky's cousin, I'm his brother.

I'm a big branch of his family tree. Mm.

Then why are your limbs so short?

Let's see what my father thinks about this.

All right, all right, you big baby.

Fine, Nicky can go with you. Y'all just have fun.

Really? Yeah, sure, man.

Oh. Don't forget your flag, though.

What's a day at the Nixon Library without Old Glory?

Oh, good call. All right.

[WILL LAUGHING]

CARLTON: Hey!

Hey!

Everybody going to the beach say, "Kowabunga!"

Kowabunga! Ha-ha-ha.

[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]


Whoa, nice flowers. Another stalker?

I wish. I had a problem at the studio today.

What happened?

Well, I was late for my talk-show taping, so I parked in the first space I could find.

I found out later it was Leeza Gibbons' spot and she had my car towed.

[SIGHS]

I was so upset, I sent these flowers to cheer myself up.

Man, now who does a thing like that?

I know, can you believe her?

I don't care how high her ratings are, nobody treats Hilary Banks like this.

I'll get her. And her little car too.

You're not taking them diet pills again, are you?

You have to help me think of a way to get even with her.

Forgive me, but why are you involving Master William?

Will's come a long way from Philly, but let's face it... he's still a common street hood from the wrong side of the tracks.

So will you help me?

Oh, gee, you know, when you put it that way, no.

Will, I'm begging you.

Look, come on, girl, that's vandalism you're talking about. No.

Oh, I do remember this one time, though... my homies was trying to get even with this gym teacher.

My man Chill took a key, scratched all up the side of the paint.

I took a potato, right, rammed it up in the tailpipe.

Dude came out, started that joint, it was like "kaboom!"

Boom!

What a wonderful lesson for Master Nicky.

Perhaps now you could teach him to run with scissors.

Come on, G, Nicky knows that vandalism ain't cool, right?

Right. All right, come on, let's go. Unh.

Get down to this beach. Get with these honeys, know what I mean?

Geoffrey, if I were a potato, where would I be?

Where are you two going? To the beach.

Yeah, me and Will are going trolling for slimmies.

He be tripping. Ha, ha. Heh.

No, he mean, "We gonna play in the sand." Ha, ha.

Look, Ashley, it's Daddy's mad face.

Come on, Nicky, let's go upstairs before Daddy's head explodes.

Will, at this age, Nicky is like a sponge.

If he hears something he likes, he's gonna imitate it.

Oh, kind of like Michael Bolton.

Maybe you've been spending too much time with Nicky.

Doesn't Carlton have some plans for this afternoon?

Oh, yeah, and where is he?

I know he better have a daggone good excuse for standing Nicky up.

Will locked me in the closet.

[SCOFFS]

That's so tired.

WILL: All right, Uncle Phil...

I just wanted to take the kid to his first bikini volleyball tournament.

I do not want my little boy exposed to that much sex.

Oh, don't worry, Mom, it only happened once.

You meant Nicky, didn't you?

I read that Dougie is gonna be appearing down at the mall today.

Oh. Dougie? That big, dumb, orange whale that be singing them stupid songs?

Those are life-affirming little ditties... that bring joy to the young and young at heart.

[SINGING] I love everything, big and small

- Cute and ugly, I love them all Cute and ugly, I love them all Would you like to go see Dougie at the mall today?

Dougie? Cool!

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Come on, time out.

Now, can we think about this for a second, please?

Now, Dougie loves everything.

People, am I the only one that finds something terribly wrong with that?

[SINGING] I love bugs and I love death I love oozing flesh wounds Mommy! Mommy!

Will! Will! What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I didn't know he was gonna act like that.

Look, at least can I take him to the mall?

Are we gonna go see Dougie?

Yeah, that's right. Me and you. Oh.

If we hurry out of there, we can make it to the victory swim.

Hey, unhand me.

Sir, the floor seating is for children only. Now sit in the chair like a grown-up.

NICKY: Where's Dougie?

Well, he is a whale. Maybe we should go look for him at the beach.

Okay. Yes.

[CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

CARLTON: It's Dougie.

DOUGIE: I love you, everybody.

ALL: We love you, Dougie.

DOUGIE: Let's all do the welcome song.

Everyone sing and dance along.

[SINGING] It's nice to be here With you, my friends My lovely, friendly, friendly friends I love you all so much, my friends I like my big friends

[MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK]

[IN DEEP VOICE] Hey, someone check the damn level.

[GRUNTS]

[SINGING] It's nice to be here With you, my friends My little friends, my happy friends It's nice to be here with you, my friends My cutie, little friend...

[MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK]

[IN DEEP VOICE] That's it. You SOBs better pull your thumbs out... and get your freaking acts together.

What's wrong with Dougie?

I think something must have crawled up his blowhole.

ALL: Dougie! Dougie!

Dougie! Dougie! Dougie!

Let's get out of here.

Last time a Dougie concert was canceled, kids went crazy and trashed a babyGap.

Shut up, Carlton.

I'm gonna go back and have a mammal-to-mammal with Dougie.

Go get Nicky and calm this crowd down.

Come on, Nicky.

Sit right here.

Maestro.

[CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Excuse me. Mr. Dougie?

I was wondering when you were coming back out there... because we've been waiting all day.

Aren't you a little old for this crap?

Uh-huh. Yeah, but my cousin isn't. You know, he came here to see a show.

Yeah? What'd he pay for the ticket?

Nothing. It was free.

Then the little brat got his money's worth. Now beat it.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, look here, you big orange Moby Dick.

Listen, hotshot.

I know this isn't as glamorous as your job down at the mini-mart... but I make an honest day's work.

And who the hell are you to look down on me, huh, punk?

[CHUCKLES]

You pushed me, called me "punk." That's funny. Listen. Um...

I'll tell you what, why don't you just put your hat on...

go back out there, do what you gotta do for the kids... because they're looking forward to it.

DOUGIE: Tough guy, huh? I'm so scared.

You better keep your fins off me, all right?

Why, what are you gonna do, huh? What are you gonna do, wise guy, huh?

I think you better keep your fins off me. Oh, yeah?

Oh, it's on now.

[WILL YELLS]

Okay, time for another song.

CHILDREN: Aww.

[WILL YELLING]

[CHILDREN YELL AND GASP]

[DOUGIE GRUNTING]

What are you doing to Dougie?

Oh.

We was just playing, y'all.

Hey, sorry.

DOUGIE: I need a drink.

You hurt Dougie.

I hate you, Will.

Nicky.

[SOBBING] You see?

Get him! No.

[CHILDREN YELLING]

Mom, presenting the all new and improved Nicholas Banks.

Look at you.

Nicky and I are gonna be spending more time together, especially since he's...

M-A-D at W-I-L-L.

How do you like your new clothes, baby?

Mommy, I H-A-T-E them.

From now on, it's you and me, Nicky. The fabulous Banks boys.

Great.

Hey, what's up, everybody?

Nicky.

He's still mad at you, and so am I.

Oh, please leave me alone, Carlton.

I already had to go through this for 40 hours with Uncle Phil.

I made a mistake.

That's why I bought this train set.

Well, it's a start.

Thanks.

When I was a little girl, I got so mad at your mother...

I stopped speaking to her for weeks.

Heh. Really? It's hard to imagine you being quiet for that long, Aunt Viv.

[LAUGHING]

Go on.

She gave away one of my favorite toys. It was a Raggedy Ann doll.

But I got over it.

Whoa, wait a minute, my mom told me about that.

Didn't you chop the head off her teddy bear and flush it down the toilet?

That's how I got over it.

Look at this.

"Powerful Earthquake Rattles Northern Coast."

Oh, boo-hoo.

This.

"Television personality Leeza Gibbons... was shocked that the woman attempting to vandalize her car... was none other than rival talk-show host Hilary Banks.

[GROANS]

Banks, seen here wielding a potato..."

Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing.

I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car... and it didn't make a scratch.

[HILARY PANTING]

At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.

Hilary, you were suppo...

Never mind.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Hey, Nicky.

What's all this?

His Dougie toys, he's giving them all away.

I'm not worthy, thanks to you.

Nicky, Nicky, come here, come here. Listen.

You don't understand, man.

Listen, I wasn't rumbling with Dougie.

I was rumbling with the guy inside Dougie.

Oh, right, the guy inside Dougie.

[WILL SIGHS]

That damn whale got him brainwashed.

Will, Nicky believes in Dougie the same way he believes in Santa Claus.

So? Well, Dougie's his hero.

Didn't you have heroes when you were a kid?

Yeah, Shaft.

And how did you feel when you found out that Shaft wasn't real?

What are you talking about?

No, I'm saying, he was based on an actual guy.

No, he wasn't.

He was too, Ashley.

Shaft is fictional, Will.

I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything.

Will, you can't tell Nicky that Dougie isn't real.

Why don't you take him down to the mall and let him see you apologize to Dougie?

I thought of that, just he ain't there no more.

Well, where is he?

In rehab.

Well, Will, you have to do something.

[ASHLEY SIGHS]

It's like he lost his best friend.

Yep, I know the feeling.

Geoffrey.

Geoffrey!

Geoffrey!

Yes, Miss Hilary?

I have been calling you for 15 minutes. Didn't you hear me?

Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name...

I was rather enjoying it.

I need to tape Leeza Gibbons' show.

I'm gonna record every nasty thing she says... and then I'm gonna sue her for definition of character.

[SIGHS]

Now, how do you turn this on?

Why don't you just use the VCR?

Geoffrey, if I knew how to use the VCR, would I need this camera?

No, I would not.

Oh, it's already started. Turn it on.

GIBBONS: So that's all coming up today. But we'll get to that in a moment.

First, I wanna talk about this so-called feud... going on between Hilary Banks and me.

Now, Hilary, you and I, we're part of a very special sorority.

A sort of sisterhood of talk-show hosts.

I love your show and I wish you lots of success.

So, what do you say? Let's bury the hatchet.

Ooh, that witch.

So you see it too.

All I see is a beautiful woman... perched atop two of the most finely sculpted legs I've ever seen.

Oh, like those are real.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, the pogmeister's in the house. Who wants some?

Looks like I'm out. Here's Will. Maybe he can give you some competition.

I'm not in the mood.

Gets that from his mother.

You know what that kid's problem is? His values is all messed up, man.

Any other normal kid, you could just buy their love back.

This has really upset you, hasn't it?

[WILL SIGHS]

You was right, man, I'm a terrible role model.

I ain't never having no kids.

Well, now, Will, as much as the idea of your reproducing scares the hell out of me... you'll make a great father.

Everybody makes mistakes with kids.

The important thing is to admit when you're wrong and to apologize.

How come you don't ever do that?

Don't question me.

WILL: Hey, Nicky.

Mind if I join you?

Wow. I didn't know you could read the paper.

I can't.

Nicky, listen, there's something I need to tell you about Dougie.

And not just him neither. It's the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy.

What about them?

Well, you're getting to be a big boy now.

Sooner or later you're gonna find out none of them...

None of them are what? Um...

Here, read the personals, Nicky.

Yo, hottie. Yo.

What's up, baby...? Freeze, munchkins!

They're not munchkins, son, they're elves.

Oh, yeah?

Who are you, Keebler?

[SANTA LAUGHS]

Oh, boy, you're not even close.

WILL: All right, look here, dude. Check it out. Um...

I'm about to give a little ring-a-ding-ding to Bel-Air Security.

So if you and any of your little friends took anything, you better put it back.

You hold on there, young man. Nobody talks to Santa Claus like that.

Oh, I'm sorry. Santa Claus. Right on, yeah.

Everybody knows Santa Claus is a Clippers fan.

I am not. I just can't move these things.

Now, you listen to me, sonny.

I don't usually make off-season visits... but you were about to do something terrible to your cousin Nicky.

You don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you?

No. No, of course you don't.

Maybe this year I'll put a brain in your stocking.

Why do these make-believe guys keep pushing me?

Come on over here. Sit down, right here.

Unh-unh.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, what are you talking about with Nicky?

Will...

being a child today is tougher than any time that I can remember.

But, Nicky... Nicky is blessed with a very precious gift.

Innocence.

And you were about to take that away from him.

I didn't wanna do that. I don't want him to be mad at me forever.

Aw, Will, nothing is forever with children. They grow up and they forget.

Hey, remember something... you used to believe in me once.

Maybe you ought to try believing in me again.

[SANTA CHUCKLES]

Oh, here, here.

You be a good boy.

And tell Carlton to stop faxing me. I cannot get him into Princeton.

[BELLS JINGLING]

NICKY: Will! Will!

Nicky.

Nicky. Hey.

Santa was here. Did you see him?

Uh, yeah, we was kicking it in the pool house.

You know Santa?

Know him? Who do you think gave him the idea for that mistletoe thing?

You? Oh, yeah.

See, we was chilling back in Philly one night.

It was me, Santa, the tooth fairy and Shaft, right?

Who's Shaft?

Who's Shaft?

Oh, Nicky, there's so much I got to teach you.

See, Shaft was a complicated man.