The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E6 Script

Will's Misery (1994)

This piece is exquisite.

PHIL: It certainly is.

And you can sense the artist's pain and yet it's a celebration of life.

Yo! A swap meet.

This is Mr. Culture.

What you talking about, Uncle Phil? I got me a capacity for paintings, man.

You know, I can sense what the artist is saying.

Oh, like this one.

What a brother got to do to get some fries?

See, and here, I can sense the juxtaposition of metaphors... interspersed with the three-second violation.

You're a jackass.

[BUZZING NOISE]

What is that noise?

Geoffrey's using my electric shoe buffer.

Do you mean that old thing with all the frayed wires?

Hey, now, that's a one-of-a-kind original. They don't make them like that anymore.

I call this one Workmen's Compensation.


Autumn, my favorite time of the year.

The leaves are falling and the hotties are pledging.

Here I go, girl.

Baby, if I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Get it? That's a double entendre.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Oh, Grey Poupon to you too, girl.

Hey, listen, what do you say we go have some dinner tonight?

You know, escargots and all that.

I don't think that will be a good idea.

I'm pledging Kappa and we sisters have to stick together.

That's right.

Your lines won't work with us, mister.

WILL: Lines?

What are y'all talking about? These aren't lines.

You know what? A woman cannot take it when a man is honest.

Look, when I take a woman out, I'm 100 percent gentleman.

I'm opening car doors, paying for dinners. Car doors, paying for dinners.

And I treat a woman like a king treats a queen.

Y'all remembered those, huh?

Ladies, say goodbye to Will in his native tongue.

[ALL BARKING]

[BARKS]

[BARKS]

[CARLTON CHUCKLES]

I don't believe you.

You're so desperate to get over, you gonna go out on your own blood.

I'm not trying to get over on anybody, Will.

Your problem is that you can't understand or respect women... because you're not in touch with your feminine side.

You know what your problem is, C?

You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.

Daddy, today I bought something for someone I really love.

I hope you enjoy it, sweetheart.

Daddy, it's for you.

Well, what do you think?

It's... It's a... Blue.

I bought it next door at the new country club.

It's a Marachi, handmade in Milan.

Don't you love it? Try it on.

Well, ha, ha... my first Marachi.

Okay.

Well, I just think that sweater looks gorgeous.

In fact, I'm gonna buy you a matching hat.

Oh, sweetheart...

Tell me, sir, do I wash that or take a weed whacker to it?

CARLTON: So, what are you talking about? WILL: What is...?

Carlton, quick, get a bat, let's bust this piƱata.

Don't worry about it, Dad, he got his earlier.

Today, this entire group of girls made a fool out of Will.

Not one of them would fall for his lines.

Master William, it's for you. A Lisa Wilkes.

Okay, one.

Carlton, man, can I help it if I say the things that women wanna hear?

What's up, chumpy?

It's confidence, son.

Women love a confident man.

Take me for instance. Why, back in the day...

[CHUCKLES]

I'd slip on the old dashiki... puff up the old fro... find a foxy mama, say, "Hey, baby, let's get it on."

[CHUCKLES]

And they bought that?

Actually, your mother was the only one.

Hey, Helen, they was out of Goobers, so I got us this large thing of popcorn.

[WILL SCREAMING]

Get out!

What you doing, Barney?

Yo, man, where Helen at?

She's probably at the chiropractor.

MAN: Helen!

Helen.

Oh, Will, don't let that spoil anything, because this has been the greatest night.

Well, if you like this one, wait till you see the sequel.

You are a dog.

[WILL BARKS]

The only problem is I really wanna be a Kappa... and if they see me with you, they won't let me in.

Don't even worry about that, I'll wear a disguise.

I'll go Michael Jackson style.

LISA: You don't need to go that far.

I'm house-sitting a friend's cabin this weekend... and I wouldn't mind a little company.

Little company?

I'm more like the Fortune 500, you know?

AT&T.

Reach out and touch a brother if you got your bill paid.

Will, where are you going?

Oh, to the cabin.

That's tomorrow.

Oh, cool.

Well, let's get back to the movie.

I was so lucky I found this hat.

It was the last extra extra extra large.

Well, gee, the gods must be smiling on me.

And I'd guess there's some laughing and pointing going on too.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, honey, I think it's cute.

HILARY: Really?

I'm going to the pro shop to buy you a matching outfit right now.

Well, honey, I quit playing golf.

Look at this.

You could at least yell four!

I'll take care of it, Miss Ashley.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

You know, when they redesigned this golf course...

I thought it might raise our property values.

But it's making it dangerous for us to be here.

Sir, perhaps you could get them to erect...

a fence.

Geoffrey.

MAN [SINGING ON STEREO]: Always and forever Each moment with you Will, you're so romantic, I don't know why you have such a horrible reputation.

Yeah, you know, I'm really just misunderstood.

You spend a little time with me, you'll see I'm actually pretty cool.

[SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

Now, where were we?

Why don't we just dance?

MAN [SINGING ON RADIO]: With a smile

Take time Oh, I just love these romantic songs.

Baby, this song is not even good enough for you.

I could write you the best love song ever.

Okay.

[STEREO TURNS OFF]

Let's hear it.

Oh, well, you see, um...

I'm not really that good at thinking on my feet.

Not yet.

How about we play a little game first? Oh, cool.

Here, have a seat.

Oh, what kind of game?

We're gonna play cops and robbers.

[SINGING] Oh, girl now Make it more better now

I'm gonna be the cop... and you're gonna be the nasty old robber.

Just call me public enemy number one.

So how do you like the game so far?

Beat the hell out of playing Stratego with Carlton.

Ow!

That's kind of tight.

Oh, I mean, I know my rights.

I think I'm entitled to one frisk.

Shut up!

Huh?

I thought you were good, but you're not good.

You've caused so much pain to so many women.

You're just a dirty dog.

And now it's payback time.

Baby, you're kind of killing the mood.

Ow!

What are you, a psycho?

You don't know how tired I am of hearing that.

Huh?


[GRUNTS]

[RINGING]

Hello?

Hey, hey. Nicky, it's Will.

Oh, hi, Will.

Nicky, I need some help. I need you to get a grownup.

Carlton!

Nicky, I said a grownup.

Carlton Banks here.

Carlton, it's Will.

I'm up at Lake Arrowhead with Lisa. Listen, she got me tied to a chair, man.

Oh, stop bragging, you sick pervert.

Who's a pervert? Oh, I'm just teasing Will.

See, some girls are playing a trick on him at some cabin.

What kind of trick? They're going to terrorize and torture him.

Oh, don't worry, it's all in good fun.

LISA: Oh.

So Mr. Dirty Dog is trying to make a phone call, is he?

So you mean to tell me for 5 extra dollars, I could get HBO?

Okay, basic cable is cool.

I hope you don't mind if I freshen up a little bit for you.

What you doing?

I just wanna look pretty for you.

And you do. You do.

You know, I saw a great dress to go with that lipstick.

You did?

Yeah, and you know what, if you untie me... we'll drive down and get it before it closes.

Do I look like a fool to you?

No, not a fool.

Hey, wait, wait, where you going?

To get the dress.

Oh, Lord.

Ooh.

Ooh! Hot. Ooh! Hot. Hot

What did you just do?

This.

Think we can get away with this?

I can't believe you two. Mustard is not the answer.

No, she's right. Get the soy sauce.

MAN: Four!

Wow, it's Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Hi.

Hi. How you doing?

Thank you. Pleased to meet you.

Hey, how are you?

That will be $140.

Jeez, I'm so sorry. You know, putting is the worst part of my game.

Hey, nice sweaters.

Oh, Marachi. Our daughter bought them for us.

She's got great taste.

Hey, Mr. Kareem, they're waiting for you on the tee.

Got to run, ciao.

Bye. Ciao.

You know, honey, the color of this sweater does compliment your eyes.

Well, it is comfy.

Let's go get the stains out.

These are my role models.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

How you doing there, Little Miss Mood Swing?

Give me the keys to the car.

Oh, now I'm never gonna get in.

You need to be worried about getting out. Them rubber rooms ain't got no windows.

Will, I am not crazy, okay? This whole thing was a sorority prank.

They wanted me to teach you a lesson.

In what, bladder control?

No, respect for women.

Ugh! I cannot believe you sorority girls could be so devious.

It was actually your cousin Carlton's idea.

Oh, yeah?

You know what, I'm gonna pop that little zit when I get home.

You give me the car keys.

Thank you.

What you crying about?

You don't care.

You're damn right I don't care. You damn near fricasseed me.

But seriously, though, what you crying about?

Will, the only reason I did this is because I wanna be a Kappa.

So I guess that if I don't go through with this thing... then you can kiss your pledge pin goodbye.

Oh, well.

[LAUGHS]

I deserve that.

Will, I just want you to know... that this is the best date that I've had in a long time.

I mean, before I tied you up.

Like I'm supposed to believe that. Pfft!

For real?

WILL [WHIMPERING]: You're right, I'm so sorry.

I'm a dog.

I'm the fresh prince of the pound.

The doggiest of all dogs.

Unbelievable. Will Smith apologizing.

My sisters, welcome the newest member of Kappa Phi Gamma, Lisa Wilkes.

All right.

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Whoa, hold up.

What, y'all just gonna leave me hanging up here like a piece of Rotisserie Gold, huh?

[BARKS]

What's wrong, Will?

Rough weekend?

Carlton... man, listen, my date with Lisa didn't quite turn out the way I planned.

Pray tell, why not?

We got up there, the girl went crazy.

She tied me to this chair, was trying to torture me.

No.

But I got loose, man.

Then she really went off.

So I grabbed this rock, man...

[WILL SOBBING] and I...

Oh, my God, she's still up there.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Oh, Lisa!

Gotcha.

[LAUGHING]

No! No!

Tell me you didn't. Oh, God.

No, no, no.

Will, no. Oh, my God, no!

Oh, no.

How could you do that?

Oh, no.

Oh, my...

Oh, God. Oh, God.

No.

No.

Oh, God, how could he do that?

How could he do that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.